The Frank Skinner Show - Ed In A Ditch

Episode Date: October 18, 2009

This week Frank, Emily & Gareth talked about the things that scared them as children, evolution and an incident that involved Ed Byrne driving in to a ditch.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ah, here we are again for the Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio podcast. I am Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily and Gareth.

Hello. The show's already happened. I don't want to lie to you about it. We go to a different studio. And we do this intro. Yeah, and Gareth just whispered to me, Frank, I need to go wee-wee. How unprofessional is that? So there's a sense of urgency in my voice. Okay, well, we'll keep it brief, don't worry about it

You could have gone before I'll just go during We'll let it pass No, don't let it pass Don't let it pass, that would be terrible It's a very small studio We've started off infantile, you see I wanted to start off vaguely reptilian

But we won't now So it was another funny show. I thought it's hard to talk about it like that. I don't like to blow my own trumpet. Not with my back. Ed Byrne was on. Ed Byrne, he was, yes, a bit of a race to get there. He was amazing.

He made it, yeah. I didn't think he was quite himself. Really? I thought he was very realistic. I really thought, that's Ed Byrne. Yeah. At his best. And we discussed many things.

We had a discussion about evolution. We did. Now, there isn't enough of that, I think. Not enough. Maybe on Radio 4, but not on commercial radio. They just never seem to get round to it. On chimp radio, they discuss it. I haven't heard chimp radio.

Oh, it's my favourite. Yeah, I thought it started well, but it didn't really evolve. Do you know what I mean? They had that big charity thing, didn't they? Red Arse Day. Which I think raised quite a lot of money

and that was a good thing. But apart from that, I think they've been a bit of a damp squib. Apparently we all evolved from a damp squib. Is that right? Oh, I hate it when that happens. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, with Gareth and... That's the morning! Good morning to you both. Hi, Frank. Hello. See, we've done that thing they do on the cricket like we pretend we haven't met See, we've done that thing they do on the cricket,

like we pretend we haven't met. Like we've just met here. We should do that. Maybe we should try one Saturday morning not speaking at all until that moment. That'd be great. Unless one of you has got a terrible throat infection, because if I said good morning to you and you went... That would shake me early on on the show.

You mean if one of us had become a duck? Yeah, well, that could happen. If it does happen, don't give me the show. You mean if one of us had become a duck? Yeah, well, that could happen. If it does happen, don't give me the bill. We've started off with a terrible... Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Skinner. Yeah, listen to that. Oh, that so scares me. You're going to have to stop playing that.

You're scared. We were talking earlier. Yes, we were talking earlier. A lot of it. We were talking earlier about things we were scared of as children. Emily had a fairly unique spectre in your life. I'm sure there are other children scared of this person. I think that's unlikely.

OK, I was scared of Lou Reed. I was accused. He's quite weird looking. I think I saw a picture of him once and it was all quite satanic. He was like my bogeyman basically yes it's I don't know how many children are actually aware of Lou Reed is one of the problems with this I think the sort of people there'll be people down saying oh when I was a kid it was more Tom Petty Tom Petty and the heartbreakers just unlikely people to even be aware of as a child that hung over me permanently

if you don't do that lou reed's going to come and get you yeah nowadays i can't believe that was used nowadays it's probably end dubs yeah i should think so yeah just give me a minute while i google that what were you frightened of as a child the list of things i was frightened of as a kid it's quite i was scared of my auntie because i was scared she might turn into a wolf why she looked a bit wolfy um i was scared of lepers pine was she yeah you were scared of lepers lepers i really ben her scared me of lepers and i was scared there was going to be lepers under the bed her a kid at your school that went around with sort of spreading rumors about leprosy.

No, the film, Ben Hur. What, that it was contagious and all that? Actually, Ben was right. If you're listening, Ben, no disrespect. He's not listening. No, he won't be listening, Ben. What were you scared of, Frank Skinner? Ben, er...

I, er, or was he called... I reckon that he probably siled his nappy at the christenin. Why? And the priest said, I name you Ben. What was I scared of? I was scared of the wardrobe in my mum and dad's bedroom. I'm sorry, and you think Lou Reed is weird? No, but let me explain.

It's that kind of wood grain in it that looked a bit like two monstrous faces, one on each door. Do you know the kind of thing I meant? It was a wooden wardrobe. Oh, OK. And in the grain of the wood, when the lights were off, because if I got frightened, I would go into my mum and dad's bedroom

and they were really pleased about that always, you know, three o'clock in the morning. But the way that the moonlight went into their room, there was these horrible faces. To be honest honest i think it was some sort of promotional wardrobe that lou reed had put out when transformer was released so well i think that says a lot about you psychologically you don't have to read in too far that you were scared of the war you were scared of the wardrobe that was in your mum and dad's bedroom, the secret place that you were scared... I don't want to get too...

Yeah. You see what I'm saying, though? Well, I'm going partly down the path, but not completely. Where does this leave Ben Hurt? In the wardrobe. Oh, OK. What, on some sort of small, petite wardrobe-sized chariot that also holds shoes on the back and polishing things?

That doesn't make any sense. They've got Ben-Hur at the O2 Centre now, though. We're not here to plonk Ben-Hur. No, but can we go and see that? Well, we can't go. Gareth will be absolutely petrified. What shall we go and see next? A velvety underground reunion

and I'm going to watch a stage version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Let's just terrify ourselves, shall we? Absolute. We've had a text in on the subject of things that scared us when we were children. And this is from Adam in Leeds.

He says, I was scared of the Roland Rapp version of The Three Little Pigs as read by Roland on cassette. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. Rappers. He was a bit terrifying, wasn't he, Roland Rapp?

He was slightly terrifying, but he did save... What did he save? TVAM, they always used to say. Oh, yeah. He saved TVAM. Where is it, then, if he saved it? Yes. Well, I never heard that, but I'd like to hear it now. Perhaps we'll play the whole thing next week. We won't have to play it this week because Ed Byrne is our guest today.

I say he is, but we just had a message to say that his car's broke down and the RAC are on their way, so anything could happen. I like that. It's quite a 70s excuse, not one you hear often these days. No. That's quite a 70s excuse, not one you hear often these days. No. Did you read Giles Brandreth in the Daily Mail this morning? Of course I did.

Never miss it. Is this a Sarah Kennedy show? Of course I didn't. I know you did, because you read it out to me laughing, which is why I brought it up. I'm going to completely deconstruct the whole plan. OK, so what did he say? He said he was talking about meeting the Queen. Yeah, I bet he was.

And he was talking about an encounter with the Queen. You don't mean? No, I don't mean. He said, have you ever been to the theatre in Wimbledon? And the Queen replied, I imagine so. She drinks a lot, the Queen, now, to be fair to her. There's no way she'd remember. Probably.

I probably have. Yeah. What of it? Give us a clue. What colours the Royal Box interior? Bit of a personal question. I don't know, she's asking that. I haven't met the Queen, but I did go to...

You haven't met the Queen? No, but I've been to her crib. I went to Buckingham Palace. OK. And I saw her and I was standing there thinking, I won't see her in the garden, as you do, Gareth. Oh, was it a garden party? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, OK. And I saw this figure. She looked a bit like Mrs Tiggywinkle in Lemon Yellow. And there were all these big men around her. And I went, oh, it's the Queen! And she saw me saying that. I was a bit embarrassed. Yeah, she must hear that a lot.

I would have thought. It's when she hears, who's that? She gets really upset. Who is Mrs. Tiggy Winkle? Should I know that person? She's a Beatrix Potter character. And what is she? She's a hedgehog. Okay. In a dress. Okay. Yeah. Did she ever air spiked

that day? I've met the Queen. I met her at the 50th anniversary of ITV. Oh, did you? And she shook my hand, in fact. She had gloves on. I think that's no accident they wear, because they shake a lot of hands, and they must get out. Does she change the gloves every time she shakes someone's hand?

There's a rubber glove she put on for that. No, but I imagine she gets in and says, all these gloves smell of working class people. And then put them on a fire, I imagine. But anyway, I was with David Baddiel at the time. Obviously, she didn't know who we were. But I said, oh, we work together and we work separately. And I did a real rubbish joke.

I said something like, you know, and I like it when we work separately because it means i can criticize his work and she went i've got a picture of her really throwing her head back laughing it was oh that's good you got a picture of her laughing yeah because i could make up i could write any fabulous gag people will be fooled yeah well i could i could do i could do it. I could do it, Joss Brando. I could be in the paper and say, I actually told a terrible, terrible joke about sex between an animal and a human being, and she laughed like there's no tomorrow.

And thus that would drag her down somewhat, her reputation. I might do that. I feel I've slightly given the game away now. Have you met the Queen? Yeah, I have. We've all met the Queen. Well, you haven't met her. You saw her at a garden party.

But I went to her house and you haven't. Yeah, well, anybody can go to her house and buy a ticket. Where did you meet her, Gareth? She came to open a new building in a school that I used to go to. And she came and looked round my class and looked at my work. Oh, yeah? And what did she say? She didn't say anything. She didn't look impressed. No. No. say didn't say anything she didn't look impressed no no she didn't say anything she's quite small she's smaller than

you imagine she'd be yeah i think you'll find that she uses a stunt double all right there's a sort of travel her majesty the queen is much smaller than her let's just throw it into a hold all and get off to the next venue a lot of the uh there's a there's a sort of look-alike person not her at all can i just say adam from leeds has just texted in again to say to clarify i loved roland and i loved the three little pigs as separate entities it was just the combination of the two well he's right to clarify that because i was thinking what kind of a freak is he and he doesn't like he likes neither neither Roland nor the Three Little Pigs. Turn out he does. It's just, you know, it's like I like milk and I like vimto.

But I wouldn't want them in the same glass. Absolute. Radio. Turns out Ed Burns in a ditch. Can you believe that? I didn't even know they still had... See, he doesn't live in... If you live in London, there are no ditches, basically. At first it was a 70s

excuse now it's gone 16th century what's going on she's been held up by the roundheads terrible problems with the hay wane so we're worried about um but apparently the rac are on their way if the rac are listening to this come on they'll be going by stagecoach. It's going to take them a while. Even the RAC, that's a bit 60s to me, the RAC. I imagine they'll be wearing leather driving gloves, the RAC. I didn't even know they still existed. Yeah.

Anyway, I'll tell you what's been brilliant. We often sit around thinking, what can we have to get people to text in about? But one has sort of organically developed this morning, the phone-in thing, sit around thinking what we what can we have to get people to phone in to text in about but it's one has sort of organically developed this morning a phone in thing because we were talking about what we were scared of as children and now people just we didn't even ask people have texted in things they were scared of as children and that's brilliant i love that kind of spontaneity early in the morning we've got a great one from al from bromley which i really relate to um things that

scared me when little what bromley something you really relate to. Things that scared me were little... What, Bromley? Something you really relate to? OK. The theme tune from Perry Mason. Oh, my God, I so relate to that. That was terrifying. I don't remember what that was. Oh, hold on a minute. Is Perry Mason the bloke? I'm thinking of Ironsides, cos it was the same bloke.

Raymond Burr. Yeah. Who I think was mentioned, also christened the same day as Ben Hur, but it was very, very cold by the time he was christened. Raymond. Because I inside used to be in... Used to go... But I don't remember Perry Mason. I do, but I'm not singing it.

You're not singing it? No. Touchy. Alpha Murray says, plus I'm not singing it. You're not singing it? No. Touchy. Alpha Murray says, plus I thought a letter... Who? Alpha Murray? This is some policeman who's phoning him from his car. Alpha Murray?

Still, I suppose it's better than no Murray at all. What did Alpha... No, Al from Bromley, the same Al. He also said, plus he thought a little lady lived down the bath plug hole. He was scared there was a lady down the bath plug hole. Oh, right.

I was very scared of the power sockets in my bedroom. Do you know how you weren't supposed to put your fingers in the power sockets? Yeah, I remember that. So I used to be really scared and say to my mum, I think I'm going to put my fingers in the power sockets yeah so i was i used to be really scared and say to my mom i think i'm gonna put my fingers in there yeah and be really scared i was gonna do it my girlfriend sister if we're if we're anywhere high suddenly it occurs to her to jump off that's quite common though isn't it is that quite common yeah i get that all the time really yeah like it by a tube or something that's because i've been forced to take public transport normally i can't picture you on public transport yeah no one has to be forced there has

to be armed men escorting her on to the public yeah exactly hey this is a good but weird one wayne says i was scared stiff of a picture of a lady called sarah moon in my mum's living room her eyes used to follow me and every time I looked away from her, then looked back, I could swear her facial expressions had changed. Wow. Well, who is Sarah Moon? I don't know. Was she a character from EastEnders? I don't know.

I don't know. I'll do some research. We should research Sarah Moon. I want to find out who that is. Because who knows, it could be one and the same woman who lived down the plughole. Could be. We'll give it a whirl. That wasn't a plughole.

Colin in Hampshire was scared of the theme tune to the Equalizer. One of the things I'm frightened of is people suddenly shouting Colin in Hampshire when I'm looking at what happens next. I've said to people before, OK, shout oi, shout rubbish, shout anything. Never shout Colin in Hampshire. It's just one of those things. It makes me... Oh. Anyway, what does this person have to say?

He was scared of the theme tune to the equaliser. Theme tunes seem to be terrorising our child population. The Bergerac theme tune used to really get me down. When I used to hear that, it used to really make me feel really squeaky. It was quite depressing, wasn't it? Or not as bad as Birds of a Feather. Oh, that's so depressing. Oh, isn't that... What'll I do when you...

And then it was a comedy. Well, it did get you in the right frame of mind for the show when it came on. Well, look, it's a bit late in the day to do a scathing critique of Birds of a Feather, isn't it? I feel the horse has bolted. That's a kind way to talk about Pauline Quirk. Apparently, Ed Byrne's been attacked by a pterodactyl. Is that the latest? As he mixes my back through the ages of math.

Get off me Actually they don't sound like that I mean no one knows what they sound like I was thinking more Yeah I think they sound like that in films But who could possibly know what a pterodactyl sounds like That's not this week's phoning by the way People claiming to know that We've had a few more

texts. Alex in Islington says he was scared of the theme tune. More theme tunes. Tales of the Unexpected. What he was scared of was naked women. The dancing lady. I can't understand that. We naked women. The dancing lady. Yeah, that's what he was... I can't understand that.

We all are. I still am. Trev in Essex. As a child, I was scared of Parsley the lion from The Herbs. My mum used to find me climbing the walls in the middle of the night trying to get away from him. Really? Yeah.

He was friendly as well. Yeah. Because his song was, I'm a friendly little lion caught parsley. Yeah. But those programmes used to have kind of like an atmosphere. They did, you're right. Knocking the Nog was absolutely terrifying.

Do you remember Knocking the Nog? Was that before your time? No, I remember that. Oh, God, yes. That was obviously before my time. I'll tell you what I'm a bit frightened of, and that's horses I've worked out. You don't like them?

Well, I did, I don't know if you saw it, but I did a children in need programme that went out this week, and when I was a kid I wanted to be a cowboy, which I thought would be brilliant, and it's great until you actually try getting on a horse, and you realise that horses are vile, vile creatures, right? What they respond to, they don't respond to a kind word and a stroke and a blow down the nostrils like you think they respond to being like bullied and shoved around that's it

and if you don't do that they immediately take advantage i've been out with women like this there are women i'm telling you now they like you know they don't want people like me who's sensitive and caring they want a cage fighter right i have no time for those women i say just walk away and i I'm saying... Do you go out with Jordan? No, I don't go out with Jordan. No, not in the mini. So what you're saying is it's essentially a dysfunctional relationship,

horse and rider. Yeah, they need to be dominated and bullied and shoved around horses. And it's not in me. So in the end, they dominate and bully me. Anyway, I was on this horse in Hungary, and it was just a horrible creature. I don't like horses. I had similar fantasies, not about being a cowboy,

but about being like something a bride said revisited, like looking amazing. And I hated it. I did it quite recently. I went on a horse. And I honestly said, when I got on the horse, they all started laughing at the stables, because I went, oh, my God, it said, when I got on the horse, they all started laughing at the stables because I went,

oh my God, it's moving! Because they do move. Yeah, I forgot that. Oh, it was horrible. And it took me off through some bracken. I didn't like it at all. They do that. I went on a Wild West holiday in Montana,

and I drove this big horse called called uh now they'd grafted a steering wheel into its spinal cord much easier um called it was called ike this enormous horse and it started scratching its behind on this tree and in order to do that i had to go into a lot of very sharp branches so i was being kind of serrated by these branches as this horrible horse robbed its fat flea-bitten behind against this filthy tree bark. Yes. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That was the music we needed at the end of that,

but I don't have it at my fingertips. Or do you think I am? Alan Fluff Freeman. Absolute. Radio. So, yeah, what else? Well well do you remember we were talking about encounters with the queen earlier oh yeah i remember that that's only about 20 minutes ago do you think i am um hannah and bracknell is sent through a little story which i quite like okay

she says morning you lot talking about the queen reminds me of the time when i served her dinner i was offering peas and she said i didn't realise there'd be this much. But she counted them. Is she like Rain Man? Who could go, oh, 351 peas. Quite a lot, isn't it? She said, I also spied her little gold hook that she hangs on the table to hang her handbag on.

I'd love one myself. I love that detail. Oh, yeah, I met the Duke of Edinburgh, right? Oh, yeah. I presented a Duke of Edinburgh award at the palace. And there was loads of kids there. We had quite a nice time. They were all school kids.

And as he was leaving, he turned around and he went, oh, by the way, Merry Christmas, everyone. It was, like, mid-October. Everybody, even the kids, we what in truth we all went merry christmas because obviously it's a duke of edinburgh but then we all just looked at each other all the kids started going you know how kids do that thing there's a sound that you only ever do when you're a child this when you go that sound of when the laugh comes out your nose. A nose laugh, I'm calling it. Yeah, it was such a weird and bizarre... That must be his thing that he does to get himself out of a scrape.

Just whenever he's not got something to say, he just says, Merry Christmas, everybody! Well, like I say, it was October. I mean, it was in the ballpark, but it was very, very roughly in the ballpark, to say the least. So you've been having a crazy bachelor week, haven't you? Yeah. Laura and Ethan, both my wife and baby, are in Spain. They went to Spain for the week, so I was all by myself.

And most of the week I spent in London, but then on Thursday I was at home all by myself. Did you play at any point, Eric Carman's All By Myself? I played nothing else. I once went up to a man playing the didgeridoo in Edinburgh and said, could you play Eric Carman's All By Myself? And he looked at me in horror because I don't think they had the tunes, as it turns out, on the didgeridoo. I thought he might be going...

played the tunes, as it turns out, on the digital reader. I thought he might be going Did they refuse? Because I think You think they could do that? But no. But from experience, you know the thing, when the cat's away, the mice will play. In my experience, when the cat's away, the mice get very depressed.

And forget to eat i forgot to eat completely until very late in the day you forgot to eat why did you forget to eat well i thought because there was no one around uh earlier in the day i thought i haven't been for a run for eight like probably years since i've been for a run so you're quite codependent. Yeah. Basically, I went for a run and then stopped at the newspaper shop. Were you formally conjoined? Yeah, her going to Spain was a bit of a stretch. Yeah. Did she take the...

She took the baby, though. Yeah, she took the baby. I'm glad. Just as well, really. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot the baby. I haven't fed it for two days. So you forgot...

I've never heard of anybody forgetting to eat. Well, we didn't have anything in the house. And then so I went for a run and went to the co-op. And I just couldn't decide what, because Laura helps me decide things. Because I was a bit low energy because I hadn't eaten. I just didn't have the decision-making energy. Well, you're lucky you got to the cow. It could have been Halfords.

It's completely halfords, not for grabs. Just gnawing on a bike helmet for hours. If I went to Halfords. Yeah, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. If only Ed Byrne was here. Ed Byrne.

What's happened now? Those of you who tuned in to hear Ed Byrne was here. Ed Byrne. What's happened now? Those of you who tuned in to hear Ed Byrne this morning. Well, he's still in a ditch. He's in the swamp, is where he is. Yeah. Did I stop? There's a ditch outside of his house. Right.

That's what they said, wasn't it? And basically, he's in his driveway. Has he driven into his own moat? That's where he is. Oh, no. Well, I hope that obviously he can get hurt. Let's hope they're not hurt. Has he got a moat?

Is he like Henry VIII or something? Oh, I like him now. He's a bit like Henry VIII, yeah. And yes, so... Stood up by Ed Byrne. Does that make us Byrne's victims? Yay! That's absolutely excellent.

Well, if he does turn up, we can give him the third degree. Anyway, I'm starting to think. I'm going to ask Emma, our producer, who's also the producer, actually, of the Dave Gorman show on Sunday mornings at 10 o'clock on Absolute Radio. Oh, have you heard it? It's really good. I haven't heard it, no. So, Emma, any news on Ed Byrne?

He's still in a ditch. He's still in a ditch? Well, he spent the whole Saturday morning in a ditch. This is a man who's thought, which would I rather do, do the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio or just be in a ditch he's spent the whole Saturday morning in a ditch this is a man who's thought which would I rather do do the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio or just be in a ditch I'm going to go ditch

well if the ditch is very close to your house it's just so much more convenient well you're obsessed with it being close do you smell a rat I've told you once do you smell a rat oh no I'm not he'd be here if he could

do you think there's some skullduggery do you think him and his wife are just sitting up in bed having a cigarette going oh thank god we're not doing that

Frank Skinner show hold on a minute I've got to go to the Frank Skinner show I'll just put the car in the ditch hold on I'm just hacking into the RAC

emergency calls thing oh no it does say Irishman in ditch you know on a saturday morning that could be any number of incidents so um yeah what oh yeah you were you're home alone you were this last week yeah it's it's i tell you what i like i like the fact that you're not one of these men who says the wife was away so i've got a pole dancer in or something fact that you're not one of these men who says, the wife was away, so I've got to pole dance her in or something like that. You actually just sat staring at the wall crying. Yeah. Yeah.

That was my day. It was like that. And I haven't got any friends either, so that helped. Well, you have got friends. You've got me and Emily. Yeah, they don't live in Bournemouth, though. That's the thing. I live in Bournemouth.

And when you're, you know, I spend all my time somewhere else. I don't spend much time in Bournemouth. Otherwise, I'd have lots of friends there. Of course, yeah. But there'd be things like the donkey man. The donkey man. That's not right. There's a donkey man, surely, at Bournemouth.

It leads donkeys across the... Oh, you mean, yeah. No, I don't mean it. I didn't mean he was some terrible freak show character who was sort of, you all right, Jeff? I'm fine, thanks. Oh, that cross on your back's getting worse. Tell me about it.

Why do they call you the donkey man? Oh, he always calls me that. I can't believe you've done that, Jeff. Truly is a walk down memory lane. Absolute radio. I was walking along the River Thames the other day and I was two people started running after me

and this happens a lot obviously, it's like Beatlemania and no, they said we're from the old Vic Theatre and there's a play on at the moment with Kevin Spacey about Charles Darwin and we're doing a whole thing about evolution.

We're doing a sort of presentation. Could you just, for a minute, just tell us about your views on evolution? And then they just put a camera on. So I didn't really have any views on evolution. It's quite a good exercise. Just pick a subject. It'd be good if you could put them in a hat, maybe. So I started talking about evolution what did you

say when i said what i think it's probably true but what worries me about evolution is that if we evolved from the chimpanzees why are there still chimpanzees how come they didn't evolve into human and is it like you know when you have popcorn and you get at the bottom those quite hard brown popcorns that haven't popped? Is that what chimpanzees are like? Are they human beings that haven't popped? Yeah, you're right, because something like Neanderthal Man, who was my favourite, by the way. Your favourite what? My favourite.

Creature from the past. My favourite species. I think you'll probably find he's just turned up in a RAC uniform. Thread. Neanderthal Man, yeah. Yeah. So he was phased out, out wasn't he to make way for us so i see what you're saying yeah but maybe it's just like you still have people who collect vinyl as opposed to changing to cd so you know chimps were like no we like it you know it's deliberate

a deliberate decision not to evolve in a sort of retro chips. And they said, no, no, we're sticking with this. Yeah. Well, I don't know if that, maybe that's possible. Anyway, that was... They can still have tea parties. You know, you can do anything a human can do. Well, they dress up and stuff. No, they're not allowed to do that anymore.

It's not allowed. They're not allowed to dress up. No, it's cruel. They don't like it. Even if it's of their own volition. They didn't do it of their own volition. If a trumpet had broken into a theatre and stolen a trunk. It's cruel saying they can't dress up,

saying chimps can't have tea parties. I think that's cruel. I think that's a breach of their human rights, although they're not humans, are they? My granddad always used to say, that's it, you see, that was their mistake. If they let things happen naturally, they'd have had human rights to be breached.

Chimpanzee rights, how often are they quoted on television? Is there a European Commission of Chimpanzee Rights? If there is, I've never heard of it. Anyway, my granddad used to go through this field on the way home, and shall I tell you this after? I'm going to save this story. Absolute. Radio. Great news, Ed Byrne has turned up.

Woo! Hello. Good morning, Ed. Hello there. How are you? I'm very well. Must have been terrible in the ditch. It was terrible in the ditch.

My whole life flashed before my eyes. Did it? Well, that probably has made good research for this interview. It was. It was helpful. Now I remember everything that happened. Ed, have you met Gareth? Hello, Gareth. I'm a fan of your work. Oh, everything that happened. Ed, have you met Gareth? Hello, Gareth.

I'm a fan of your work. Oh, hi, Ed. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I know all about you. Do you know about me? Yeah, I like that Alanis Morissette material you used to do. Oh, yes, that's very old. Yeah.

They're getting on like a house on fire. We'll leave them to it. Yeah, exactly. So you're on tour at the moment, Ed. I am. The tour's called Different Class and it's, in the poster, it's like that Pulp album. You know the Pulp album

Different Class? I don't know that, no, Ed. Do you know it, Gareth? Yeah, yeah, I know quite a lot about that. Okay, good. Have you two met before, by the way? Yeah, we've spent some time yes i know gareth from scouts oh you're in scouts together i just say i think it's very respectful the way you never talk over each other yeah exactly i'm the only person gareth doesn't talk

over you'll notice yeah but you know we're yeah gareth's getting better all the time at that i think he hasn't he? Yeah, that's... Okay, so you've also got a DVD coming out. DVD, I've scored different class based on the Pope album.

Oh, your accent's changing a bit there, Ed. It's developed. My accent's very fluid. Your accent's got a bit boredom up ahead. My accent's very fluid. It changes over interviews.

Yes. Yeah. It does. So what's your view on evolution? I think Jesus made dinosaurs. Yes. Yeah, it does. So what's your view on evolution? I think Jesus made dinosaurs. Yes. Yeah.

I think that's probably true. Well, Ed, thanks for coming in. It was a long way to come, I know. Thanks so much, Ed. And I think respect to the RAC for managing to tell that. Thanks for having me. I'm sorry about the whole ditch thing. I didn't see the ditch there

and it just happened. No, sometimes they just loom out of the mist, don't they? But anyway, it was worth the trip. Thanks. Ed Byrne. Go and see Ed Byrne live and go and buy his DVD.

Thanks again, Ed. It's a pleasure. Bye, Ed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ed Byrne was going to be our guest today, but unfortunately he's in a ditch. His stock in a ditch.

His car went into a ditch. Right, that's what happened. And they're waiting for the RAC. Have they turned up yet, Emma? No. Still haven't turned up the RAC. Anyway, Ed... We haven't got this wrong.

He hasn't just been ditched. Is that what you said? No, no, no. He's in a ditch. No, he's in a ditch. We did want him to come yes i'll tell you something though about ed it's a very funny comic and his dvd comes out on november the 23rd right and he's on tour at the moment because just because he's in a ditch i don't see why his plug shouldn't occur definitely i mean we shouldn't let fate completely dictate to us like that yeah but hang. He's just stayed in bed all morning,

possibly having a blueberry pancake or something, and now he's had his plug as well. I'm accepting that he's in a ditch. I mean, some people are more cynical. Maybe he slept in a ditch all night. We've all done it, let's face it. Anyway, have I had a critique? Have I had a text critique on 8-12-15,

which is our text number well in case you wonder why i just mentioned it we were talking about evolution earlier as you do on the radio yeah exactly and uh someone who's texted in hasn't left their name says basic misunderstanding of evolution frank humans they evolved into someone else during the course of the text very possibly um he or she or it has said humans didn't evolve from chimps. Humans and chimps evolved from a common ancestor. Right. Bruce Forsythe.

So, all right, so there's this creature. Let's call him Bruce Forsythe. And then he kind of branched off. There was a fork in the road, and one way the chimpanzees went, creature let's call him bruce foresight and then he kind of branched off he went there was there was a fork in the road and one way the chimpanzees went and the human beings went the other way is that basically what we're saying i think so okay yeah god just you know just for the sake of a that moment i could have gone i could have been a chimpanzee now life would have been different wouldn't it well i've been tapping away as i do, and I've come across someone called Ardy,

the oldest member of the human family tree, who might be the common ancestor. Not Oliver Ardy. No, okay. That's right, she was recently, because it was a woman, and she's four and a half... Million years old. Short, hairy, with long arms,

is how she's described. Do you know, I think I had a one-night stand with her in Nottingham in 1997. You and Ardy? Yeah. Yeah. I saw that in the paper and I didn't think... Yeah, it was in the paper. I mean, I ate it when they did that.

Ardy, big mouth Ardy, that's what I call her. She was able to walk on two legs while still living partly in the trees. Well, just about. Yes, you're right. It was a great night in many ways. If you're listening hard, you know I don't mean any harm by it. You know that, don't you? Now, my grandad, I was telling this story before,

he used to go home through a field at night after he'd been to the pub. So there might be drink involved in this story. But one night he went back to the field. This was in the north-east of England. My grandad's from Newcastle. And there was a fair, a circus rather, in the field that night, which he didn't know about.

And he walked past the caravan where the chimpanzees were kept. This was in the days, lots of animals in circuses. And he said he heard them talking, just casually sitting around chatting, right? And he always maintained after that that chimpanzees could talk, but they kept it to themselves. They didn't want human... I don't mean as a joke, he honestly believed it.

I mean, it might be that that thing, you know, that it wasn't real chim... it was people inside there. I think it was people from a fancy dress party that were drunk or something. Or it could have just been like chimpanzees chattering. He was a bit drunk, you know, chattering. And he thought that was talking. But he always maintained. And he said, well, why haven't we found that before?

He said, well, they don't want people to find it. He said, if we knew, he said, as soon as there was a war, they'd be straight into the front line, wouldn't they? He said, and they'd be working down the pit and all that. They'd have all the horrible jobs. And it's, you know, it's not a bad point, is it? Maybe they're just talking a strong Newcastle accent. And that's why no one else can understand. Except my granddad one day just picked up on, why I pass a banana month. man! And thought, hold on a minute, I think I know that. Absolute.

Radio. I did the Nevermind the Buzzcocks this week. I like the Nevermind the Buzzcocks. No, I actually said, no Nevermind the Buzzcocks. It was a bit of a no, no, no, no, no at the beginning. I did Nevermind the Buzzcocks, and I spoke to the producer on the phone. I mean, it's recorded like two weeks in advance, so you haven't missed it.

If you're that bothered. And I said, who else is on? And he said, oh, Calvin Harris is on. I said, oh, great, great. I had no idea who that was. And I just felt pathetic after a bloke trying to pretend that he knows all the hot music. Obviously, I Googled him. But I felt bad about it.

I don't like lying in any area of life. But why do we do it? I lie. I lie about... Oh, I know you lie. How dare you? Yeah. Films I lie about.

You know, when you say you've seen a film, why do you do it? It's really... Oh, yeah, when someone says, have you seen Taxi Driver? And you go, oh, yeah, I love it. Yeah. And they say, what about that Driver? And I say, oh yeah, I love it. And they say, what about that bit? And you say, I haven't seen it for ages. And it's just, yeah. I tell you what I like a lot.

I have no sense of direction whatsoever. But people stop me in London and say, do you know where the Dominion Theatre is? And I'll say, yeah, go straight here. And then you just bear right and you'll be able to see. And I have no, I could be sending them in the opposite direction

because I have no idea. That is a dreadful thing to lie about. But I just can't say no. I simply can't say, I'm just a girl who can't say no. I once lied

about having seen a film. I once met Ron Howard, you know, the director. Oh yeah, Ron Howard. And I was so... Richie Cunningham. Yeah. And he mentioned Apollo 13.

And I just really wanted him to like me. And he went, oh, yeah, I love that film. Because he directed it. And I hadn't seen it. Thank God it was a film. What if it hadn't been a film? And what if it had said, no, what do you mean? It's a play idea.

That would have been very... And then he wouldn't have stopped talking about it. Yeah, what if he said, oh, did you like that bit where they landed on the moon? Yeah. Oh, well, they didn't land on the moon. Yeah, well, that's what I'd say. So what about that, eh? That's worth doing.

It's worth making up films. Have you seen Tomorrow's People? Have you seen that with Ed Williamson? Yeah. It's great. Well, you haven't, because I just made it up. Me and my best friend Jane used to do that. We used to make up bands to test other people to see if they were lying.

Oh, that was spiteful. We said, do you like animal magnetism? Fallout. It's great. And the other one is that when you decide you're not going to go somewhere, so you do that I'm in a ditch thing. Oh, no. Oh.

This is... No, no, we believe. We do believe him. We believe. Obviously, we believe him. We're worried. I'm worried about him. Absolute.

Radio. How's the text business good um danny a builder on saville row has texted he says i agree with frank's granddad i've seen them dressed and drinking tea whilst chatting away it's his chimpanzees yeah and he says anytime emily wants a tour she'll get a complimentary white and two sugars. Oh! Oh, I love it! Hold on, a tour of what? Savile Row? Oh, the building site maybe. Can I wear a hard hat? Well, you might. I think you'd have to.

I don't like the sound of, she'll get a white and two sugars. That sounds like some terrible euphemism to me. I'm not happy with it. Oh dear, now you mention it. Oh God, she'll get a white and two sugars, don't worry about it. Oh, will she? Oh, I'm going to go down to the building site today. Hi, Danny.

I couldn't imagine. He'll be one of those men who works without his shirt on, even when it's quite cold. Oh, I love it. He'll have tattoos and there'll be, you know, there'll be scenes from British military history. I'm worried about Danny. I mean, he thinks chimpanzees talk and he fancies Emily.

Fine. Oh, I didn't mean it in that way obviously in that way i didn't mean it so um the the fourth plinth thing that's been going on in trafalgar square has stopped now because you know whenever you went past there was a slightly embarrassing member of the public on there which i came to look forward to really uh but uh it's it's gone now and and they're looking... They said they want to put a statue on there that symbolises modern British life. That's what the person needs to be. So they're hunting around for someone?

Yeah. Who would you have? I think I'd have the twins from X Factor. Oh, God! Yeah, I think that, to me, is modern British life. You know, fools. Where the fools prosper. I kind of like them.

They look like two characters from a children's fairy tale drawn by a cynical German in the 19th century. They're very spindly. Oh, yes, I know what you mean. Yeah, spindly, and I can imagine them going, oh, come into our little room, I don't. So I imagine they really speak. And they'll come to a sticky end, I reckon.

Oh, I should think they'll come to a sticky end. I'm fairly confident of that, yeah. Who do you have on the plinth gareth um somebody who symbolizes british society as it is today who would that be i don't know okay no i think i was gonna have the jade goody would be a good one yeah but jade goody no she's she's so she's genuinely loved. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. What about, Gat, my favourite, Foxy Bingo? Foxy Bingo would sum up. Yeah. In a little three-piece suit.

I think they should go a bit wilder. And diamond. She wouldn't fit on the plane. Yeah, well, they've got equestrian statues. It's a very similar proportion. So, yeah, I think it was that we could have had that would have been a great phony yeah yeah it's too late now but yeah someone who's someone maybe cameron who won big brother the guy from the own to ebrides i'd have to label that quite well

i imagine he's labeled at all times he has that a t-shirt that says cameron who won big brother anyway look that's the end of the show it's been a strange old day today I'm still worried about Ed Byrne in a ditch I mean it's not where you want to spend your days is it good day to you Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio