The Frank Skinner Show - Eight Foot Seahorse

Episode Date: October 1, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Cockerel and Zoe Lyons. Frank has been to London Zoo but had a problem when trying to see the animals. The team also talk Big Sam, meditation in the classroom and an awkward high-five.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, as you may have guessed by the sloppiness of our opening. And I wouldn't want to be quoting on that either. I'm with Zoe Lyons and Alan Cochran this morning. Morning. Lovely to see Zoe. Hiya. And if you want to communicate with us

in any way, you can't because we're not live. I know, I know what people say but this morning we're not. But you can still tweet us on at Frank on the radio.

You can still do that. You can still email via the Absolute Radio website because they're free. I don't feel morally corrupted by you contacting us like that. But don't text us, because that would be just reckless. And there's enough of that in the modern world.

And if, I suppose we should say, if you do tweet or email us, don't expect us to react, because it's not going to happen until next week. I suppose I took that as read. We'll react next week, maybe. Yeah. If it suits us. No, if there's anything good, I mean, we'll keep it. I mean, we don't let anything slip by.

Not a thing. We'll all be vetted. Jonathan Ross used to say of me, I was like the Chinese chef. Even the feet. Everything goes in. Every joke is at least tried once. I don't have any problem with that. How are you, Zoe?

It's been a long time. It's been a long, long time, Frank. I'm very, very well. I'm very well. I walked here today and it was beautiful. You walked here from Brighton? From Brighton, yes. That's me.

I thought, well, it's better than taking Southern Rail, to be honest. If you'd have called me, I would have sponsored you. Swung by. I could have worn a high-vis vest with a number on it and a name on it. Yeah. I like the fact that we've got a sort of a... The rail service is a very good joke. It's like Ronnie Corbett talking about British rail sandwiches.

It feels like a real strong tradition. No, I didn't walk from Brighton. I walked from Victoria. It was really pleasant. It's nice. Beautiful. like a real strong tradition. No, I didn't walk from Brighton, I walked from Victoria, which was, um, it was really pleasant. It's nice. Beautiful. Obviously, it's a different woman every night with you. I know. What did you say? The parrots.

Oh, yes. The London parrots. The first time I saw them, I thought I was going insane. Um, it was in Richmond, and I looked across and I saw two green birds in a tree and thought well that's it, now's the beginning of the end. I'm starting to lose my marbles. But apparently there's flocks

of parrots in London. There is there everywhere. I'm woken up by them on a regular basis. I need to let them out. They're trapped in the sky like that. No, I mean it's sort of nice to be woken up by parrots in that I feel like I'm in one of those Bacardi adverts

that I used to look at back in the, probably in the 70s. And these adverts were used, do you remember them, Al? They were used to epitomise the in crowd. They were people in linen suits drinking Bacardi on tropical islands. They were often on jetties going out into the sea. They were on a jetty. They were on jetties before I knew what a jetty was. I thought they were on some sort of boardwalk.

They were the jet setty style, weren't they? They were the jetty set. They were the jetty set. Yeah. But they was very much set up as this, if things go well for you, this is what your life could be like. Things have gone great for me. My life is nothing like that, apart from the fact there are parrots.

But I have a friend who often says to me that he feels celebrity has been wasted on me. Because I'm not, you know, with leggy models and on a yacht or anything like that. But you are wearing a fine jacket this morning with an exceptional lining in it that we've all admired. Yeah, and the plumage, can I say, on the bat, you know, that plumage, that faux feather,

I don't want anyone to think that a bird of paradise is a bird. It's a lovely green, though. I really like that plumage. Thanks very much. green, though. I really like that plumage. Thanks very much. Respect, Amanda. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's a beautiful day today, but today's not today. So don't text us, because we're doing this on another day.

Does that make... I feel I've dabbled with the... Very meta. Yeah. What do they call it? The time-space continuum. I'm sure I have. It's all right. So we're not live, so don't text us. I mean, how many times have I got to tell you people? People are tuning in all the time, Zoe, I'm told. Are they?

I always assume that people would listen to this show from start to finish. That's a big commitment. I'm in brackets hanging on my every word, close brackets. But in fact, people come in, they do 20 minutes, they do an hour. I think we get an hour and 20 minutes is the average listener. Yeah, I'm pretty sure when we get these emails describing this, they're not wanting you to tell people that. So are they not? Are we supposed to keep that quiet?

I don't know. I'm told it's a fabulous average. Yeah, we are. If there's any radio presenters listening, you're lucky if you're getting, what, a minute and a half? So, yeah, wipe that smirks off your face. That smirks. I'm experimenting with plurals and singles at the moment.

I think they're too restrictive. That's a good idea. Yeah. They're all over the place. I don't like being told what to do by grammar. Good for you. My wife's Dutch, and every now and again she gets the sort of plurals wrong. And the lovely one is hairs. I'm getting my hairs cut.

Excellent. Oh, OK. Yeah. And she doesn't mean... No. No, she means just on her hair. I like it. It makes sense. Yeah, I'm getting my hairs cut. Oh, OK. Yeah. And she doesn't mean... No. No, she means just on her hair. I like it. It makes sense.

Yeah, I'm getting my hairs cut. That's brilliant. Yeah. I'm going to start saying that. I'm trying to be strict. I'm having that. I'm trying to be strict on all the Italian things. Like, if you see a paparazzi in the street,

you're actually seeing a paparazza. Paparazza. I think it's all paparazzo, but paparazzi is the plural. If you saw one thing written on a wall, that would be graffito, I think, not graffiti. Graffito. I want to be that person who says to people, well, actually, it's not graffiti because there's only one example of it.

I think that's a good person to be when you get to a certain age. If there's any kids listening, you don't want to be that person. But I do. Speaking of kids, I got big laughs from the production team on this radio show. It doesn't happen that often when they're not being paid. Because at the end of last week's show, I said to Sarah, who's producing today actually it's a big day for her I'm so proud

I feel like a parent at a swimming gala she has done this before but if you draw more attention to it it may seem bigger she has done it before but on a pre-record I think that's an extra pressure there sure is it's good for that to not go unnoticed Yeah. Well, she has done it before, but on a pre-record, I think there's an extra pressure. There sure is.

Yeah. It's good for that to not go unnoticed. But I said last week, when she was in a job where I asked her to book me cars and things like that, she's not too big for that. No? She knows. She's climbing at the moment. Yeah. And I said to her... The world does that, doesn't it?

You said it on the radio. I said to her, look, she's doing great. I said to her, could you book me a car, please? I said, please. Good for you. I've never lost that. No. Good for you.

I've never lost that, Zoe. I know what you're thinking. Yeah. And I said, could you book me a car? And she said, where to? And I said, could you book me a car? And she said, where to? And I said, the London Zoo. And she burst out laughing as if I'd said the funniest thing anyone's ever... What's funny about that?

You're laughing as well. What were you doing at the zoo? Well, I was doing that thing that people... I was looking at wild animals. Oh, you were just genuinely going for it. OK. Why else do people go? people doesn't need to she sees wild animals on her walks around london yes it's already saved myself the zoo entry fee oh that's true well i always think that you know

those birds you get at the zoo who go into other cages and sort of live there i think that zoos don't use that enough because it's a great advert for them. You know, people said those poor animals locked up. You can say, look at these sparrows. They've just moved in with the zebras. It's their choice. They're not really welcome there, but there they are. They're squatting.

Yeah, that's how good it is. That's how bad renting in London is now. Sparrows have to move in with the gorillas. They would have been in trees, but now they're... A lot to move in with the gorillas. They would have been in trees, but now they're... A lot of them are with their parents. Yeah. I mean, it's... Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And this is still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do I normally say that? About a time check. About travel. Should we do travel?

No, don't start doing time checks on pre-records. Oh, no. Or travel, to be fair. We'll have to do time travel, which is if we get too confused. Oh, that would be amazing. Yeah. So, anyway, I was at the...

Do you not go to the zoo? It's normal, isn't it? I haven't been for a while. I haven't been for a while. But I do enjoy a zoo. Yeah. I enjoy, you know. You're not anti,

because I know you're a bit more right on than I am. Yeah, but I mean, I... You're the sort of person who might be outside in a, you know, saying something about McDonald's. No, no, I don't object to the zoo. I mean, you know, it's... They're very nice. Some of the animals are there for their own, you know,

so that we can... Some of them apparently have written in and asked. Asked to be there, yeah. Aquariums I find a bit weird. I went to an aquarium not so long ago... I don't believe in astrology. You don't like aquariums? I mean, they never give a sense of real freedom, fish.

There's no squatters there, is there? No squatting. I've seen the odd dead sparrow floating on the surface. I saw I went to an aquarium, I went to the cafe afterwards and they had a load of prawn sandwiches and that just felt wrong. That does seem... That just seemed really wrong. You don't get any prawns, though. It was like, see the exhibits, then eat their cousins.

I've never been to anyone's house where they've got prawns in an aquarium. You could, though. You could? You could have prawns in an aquarium. Mussels, you could have some mollusks on the screen there. Yeah, they're not very entertaining, mussels. I wouldn't mind a seahorse. Mm-hmm.

How big do they go? They're very small. Eight feet. Eight feet. Eight feet. About that big I saw a seahorse, but I'm just indicating with my fingers. If you go on eight feet,

considering where I live, proximity to... If I was coming in here, if I could get it on a boss, say, to Islington, I could ride it in along the Thames. Yeah. I don't know how close to the surface they'll go. They always look timid creatures, the seahorses. If it's not a lock near Camden, that might be a problem, mightn't it? I think they're renowned for their patience.

Seahorses. They don't really go that big, do they? No, I've made it up. Even as soon as I said... We don't know. That's one great thing about the deep. Yeah. How big are...

Gigantic seahorses. Well, we don't know what's down there. Well, I'm pretty sure there's not a nine-foot seahorse. No, but pretty sure it's not a nine-foot seahorse. No, but pretty sure it's not how we do science in this world. We need a more rigorous method, don't we? We don't know what's down there. Honestly, we know about

as much about the bottom of the sea as we do about outer space. This is the great thing about a pre-record. I'm not going to get nine texts telling me that's rubbish. The world is, I couldn't say anything I like. It's flat, apparently. Yeah.

But we don't know what's down there, really. Giant squid. Yeah. Every now and again, one of them washes up. We'll have calamari for a week. How many times have you seen one of those wrapped around a submarine? I mean, if it's a submarine, it's an absolute daily thing. It's like speed bumps, giant squids.

I guess, yeah. So we don't know what's down there, so there could be an eight-foot seahorse. That's me just summing up for when people listen to this on the podcasts. Case setting, did I hear that right? But no, that's where we're going on it. but no, that's where we're going on it.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I tell you what I did have at the zoo is that thing of not being able to find any animals. Oh, did you? They're hiding. I mean, a lot of it. I suppose a Saturday,

they're very willful wildlife. Willful wildlife, that's what I call them. And they seem to deliberately, the busier the zoo, the more they don't come out. I mean, I don't know what they've got. I think they're shy. No, I think they're ungrateful. I mean, we've all known comedians like this. They don't realise if it wasn't for the Ponters, we'd be nowhere.

Right, yeah, yeah. What did you particularly want to see? Well, you know, I like The Big Five. Yeah. That's what I'm after. Mongoose, meers make a prawn. Well, we've had debates on this show what the Big Five are, but I think in a way, in the end,

I decided we've all got our own Big Five. That's right. I include the chimpanzee, which isn't normally included in the Big Five. But, you know, the lion, the tiger, the hippopotamus, maybe. Is that random? Wasn't the Big Five officially the ones that are hardest to kill? It's all a bit unsavoury, eventually, wasn't it?

It was unsavoury. It went unsavoury last time. I find most of them are quite savoury. Bit of seasoning, everything's fine. Yeah, what you need to do is look to your cookbook. More of seasoning, everything's fine. Yeah, you're not... What you need to do is look to your cookbook. More gamey than savoury, isn't it? Yes, gamey. Yeah, that's what I'm after.

I'm after the big ones. Chimpanzee. They don't have a chimpanzee at London Zoo, surely, do they? No, but you know when you go past something that looks like very close to one of the big five, but not quite the big five. It's called something like the Madoopy. And you think, I don't know where they've got this. You know, it's more or less a water buffalo, and the water buffaloes are over there.

Don't feel that you have to. It's like if you've seen S Club 7. You're not desperate to see S Club Juniors. Yeah. You know what I mean? Go to the source. Yeah. More cooking advice from Frank Skinner.

So, yeah, I'm less interested in those. I don't mind them. But, of course, if they come out, it's like trying to, you know, book a panel show. They'll come out the lesser lights. Whereas the Big Five... I mean, I don't know. Who's the panel show Big Five, would you say? Zoe, you're a panel show regular.

Sean Locke. So you're one of the Big Five? Probably one of the Big Five. I don't see one that many of them. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett, is he on the Big Five? Romish. Oh, yeah.

Big Five. Catherine Ryan would be Big Five yeah if there was a panel show Zoo that's where they'd be and then obviously I can't

name anyone who'd be in the in the cage of the well I'd be running around in my cage full view full view

I'd be there shameless spinning plates come on I saw you as one of the sparrows in Catherine Ryan's cage. It's a joke.

It's a joke. I thought what they could have... Have you ever done this thing when you've been driving out of a car park and you think, hold on, I'm just driving into just metal stumps here. How can I possibly get my car out?

And you put your ticket in and they they lower into the ground and i've always been really impressed by that couldn't they do that with all the rocks and foliage so it just goes into the ground and there's it's complete flat land and the animals have no hiding place oh be a bad day for the chameleon, that, though, wouldn't it? Just bad. Well, yeah, but it wouldn't have to be down all day. What you could do, you could have a rotor

at the zoo, and you could say that, you know, the foliage drop will be happening at the lion enclosure at two. Currently, it's with the penguins. Well, the penguins don't hide so much. So instead of feeding time at the zoo, revealing time at the zoo. Exactly.

It's revealing time at the zoo. No, no, it sounds as if I've said it for comic effect. But if you stand back from it, it makes absolute sense. And it means that the other animals want to go. So they don't need shade for any more than, what, half an hour. So half an hour, photographs, hour photographs look at that oh that's disgusting and then the things go back up again and then you're off to the um a carpe if you park there you might just find a place on the street

oh glory glory glory I've got a question for you Zoe and Alan not for you at home although you can email and tweet us and answer if you like and we'll read it at our leisure as they say across the pond what effect would it have on the great world religions

and indeed on atheism as a belief if it was discovered that the price that one paid for a live zebra on the open market, you know, if you were buying one for a zoo, is exactly represented in barcode form by the stripes on it. So if you scanned a zebra at exactly the price it would cost, what effect would that have on people's belief systems?

I think it would have the biggest effect on atheism. It would. I don't think they could biggest effect on atheism. It would. I don't think they could write that off as chance, could they? But even the world's religions would think, why has God got involved in this? In zebra pricing. All the other stuff he's missed. What's he trying to tell you?

Terrible things happen in the world. He's got involved in the minutiae of stocking a zoo. I wonder how the market is doing in zebra pricing. I wonder what the papers would make of it as well. It'd be dismissed, and then they'd try it with several other zebras, every one coming up, I mean, absolutely to the penny. Same price or by the kilo?

I know, I think there must be, like, the price specimens, and the ones that are a bit... Shabby. I imagine what you're really after in a zebra is black and white. You know, they get a bit brown and white. Oh, yeah. And you don't want the variation. No.

You want a strong stripe. Yeah, exactly. Here I am speculating. I don't know what people look for in a zebra. They look at the teeth, I imagine, like with horses. No. The acarpy is almost, one of the almost big fives. What is the acarpy?

The acarpy is like a zebra who's only... Someone's come to the door when it was in bed and it's just had time to put its trousers on. Yes. So it's got, like, stripy legs and the rest is like a generic mule. Forgive me for not knowing that, but you're

the one that went to a zoo only five days ago or something. Generic mule. Do you know any place for Arsenal? There ought to be a footballer called generic mule. Here's the thing I saw there. I mean, I keep asking you guys like you know a lot about wildlife.

I imagine you do, Zoe, because you've travelled. I have areas of interest. Oh, dear. What are they? Well, fish are my specialist subjects. Oh, dear. You have a book in your toilet about fish last time you were on the show. I've got two.

Two books of that. I've got two. Two books of that. I've got two. I've got Fish of the Red Sea and Fish of the Caribbean. That's really specific. Yeah. It's very salty, isn't it? The Red Sea's very salty.

That's why you often see fish with very, very red eyes. They're just like, oh, oh. And also, if you caught one of those, you don't even need vinegar don't need the thing oh lovely i mean economically yes you've got the fish of the red sea in your tummy yeah respect that you own that book the fact that you've deemed it to be what i'd call a toilet it's a toilet book it's a toilet book do you know why you why you can enjoy it in snippets? I think I've talked about it before on this show.

You have. Not that one. Not my snippets. No, yes. Again, you can enjoy it at your leisure. No, but I don't think... I've got Fish of the Caribbean now as well. Oh, so you've always had Red Sea. I've always had the Red Sea and the Caribbean.

See, I would have started Caribbean. I would have gone for Fish first, the basic book, before I start getting geographical. Yeah, I mean, fish don't... For a toilet book. Yeah. Too much, though, maybe. Too much.

It's too all-encompassing. I'm getting fish of the Indian Ocean next, anyway. That's where I'm going. Fish of the Indian Ocean? Yeah, yeah. I mean, how many are there of these? There's loads. Well, oceans.

No, fish. That we can find out. I've heard that there's plenty more. Yes. That's the word on the strasser. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so one more.

I know I've over-zooed the pudding in many ways, but there'll be zoologists. I believe they call themselves zoologists. Do they? Yeah. That I never knew. Yeah. Zoologists?

Yeah. Or is that people that know a lot about you? That's me. That's people who've got a big file on me. Have you done a show called Zoology? No, I'm open to it. Do it? Yeah.

It's crying out for it. You're available. I'm available. I'm very much available for that. Yeah, it's no good me calling a show. I'd like to wear that little outfit as well, the sort of shorts with the utility pockets. I'd be very happy.

Oh, very useful. Yeah. I don't understand. Like a safari kind of thing. Yeah, a safari short. i don't understand well like a safari why don't you just wear the stripy leggings like the okapi oh just the striping leggings and then a brown top yeah just like a sort of fairly shabby brown jumper anyway i went to the giraffe house which i'm calling one of the big five uh i imagine they're quite easy to take down. But there was a giraffe in there, and you know occasionally you see behaviour at the zoo

and you think, oh, I'm not sure about this. It was licking a girder. Scottish. Right. After some iron brew. Well, it looked like quite a patch of paint had come off. It looked like it had removed a fair amount of paint from excessive licking. You think so?

I'm guessing their tongues are coarse with giraffe. There'd be some form of abrasive surface on it. And it was almost like the zoo, I don't know, maybe the sander had stopped working and they said, get Gregory over there. Gregory the giraffe? I'm guessing his name's Gregory gregory over there gregory the giraffe i'm guessing his name's gregory um get gregory over there put a get a little bit of um a little bit of honey on it

oh yeah they know for their diy skills no but i mean he didn't know she'd be used it'd be used um he wouldn't know he was doing a good deed on the DIY front. He'd think, actually, he's good. Got one of those tongs as well, really. I mean, look, I could have got caught up in the antennae. You know these sturdy antennae you get on a giraffe? Yeah. I'm guessing. They're like the bubbles on a space hopper, aren't they?

They are. Giraffe antennae. And of course they've got the... I cannot look at a giraffe without going down memory lane to my childhood and thinking of Crazy Paving. Oh, yeah. That's very much their design. Mm-hm.

That was what constituted craziness in the late 60s. Fragmented pattern. Yeah, it was randomly sized pavements. This was before Charles Manson. He rewrote the whole... ..rewrote the whole theory. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons is with us today. Ah, lovely. Well, it's nice. Thanks for having me. You can, it's always a pleasure. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. If you like, email the show via the Absolute Radio website

if you overmind to. But please don't text us. I'm just, I'm just, you know, not up for it today. Now, we're recording this. It's yesterday, is what I'm saying. Yes. Which I like. I like it's yesterday as a concept. Although there is a sense of jeopardy to a pre-record in these recent times

because we've covered on this show a number of times in recent months managerial changes prime ministerial changes it seems like nobody's in their job for very long these days and i'm i'm hesitant to even bring it up but big sam 67 days was it 67 days oh big sam bambalam um yes there's the same he seems to have um split um opinion in that a lot of people are saying a sort of ah poor old big sam i thought old Big Sam and his million pound payoff. I don't know. I had an argument the other day with my partner. And we sort of sorted it out.

But I still had that stomachache I get when we argue. And I just think, oh, God, I'm going to. Why do we even exist? Right. And then I put a jacket on. I hadn't worn for a while, and I found ten quid in the top pocket. No way. Love that. And you would be surprised

the way that lifted me up. Really, I think, wow. Brilliant. So, from Big Sam's point of view, the million quid payoff must have at least, I mean, filed some of the sharper edges.

It will have definitely eased some of that pain, won't it? Yeah. If he was in the job for 67 days and he got a million quid payoff, I've worked out that that worked out at £15,000 a day, Ian. That is OK. That's not bad, is it? I mean, that is... Normally I wouldn't go out of bed for that, but...

Ha-ha-ha! Considering... Considering... Now, I'll tell you something that I noticed. Did you see those shots of him in the back of a car? Yes. Looking at his iPhone. Yeah.

And he got a gold iPhone. Brilliant. Well, you can if you're on 15 grand a day. I know, but you've got to keep... Once you've been sacked, you've got to keep that undercover for a day or two. You should really have another sombre-toned phone. Exactly.

Especially for the sacking day. Yeah, exactly. You should have had one made out of Yorkshire slight. You should have, though. It was very hard to sympathise with it. It was very, and now I'm going to Dubai. That was the whole message. I'm glad you spotted those photos,

because I think they may be the only photos that I've ever seen that have been used from those photographers just snapping at cars. You know when the car's driving past and they go... I've never seen the result, because I think they're always rubbish. They're always like a bit of a car. I don't think I've ever seen... You know Circular Window on the convicted criminal van? Oh, yeah.

When they run behind those, I don't think I've ever seen the criminal inside looking, you know, I imagine, gloomy. But Big Sam, we get to see him in similar circumstances. Yeah, looking like he's been perspiring quite a lot. No tie-on. Already the standards have dropped. Was he texting for a new job?

Where would you go? Where would you go after that? He's going abroad. I love the phrasing. What are you going to do now? I'm going abroad. I don't think he was being cagey about where he was actually going. I think if he's not in England, he's abroad. That's where it is.

I think he meant abroad the way highwaymen used to be abroad. I think he's just going to roam England as some sort of threatening presence. You know, you hear Big Sam going through your bins one night looking for scraps. Wouldn't it be great if he went completely feral? If he went rogue?

Yeah. Wearing just an England blazer and nothing else. The missing link. There's enough ex-managers now to have, like, a herd of feral managers running around the streets as long as there's nothing. Yeah, but he's the alpha manager. He's the leader.

Very alpha. Steve Bruce would be his right-hand man, I think, but Big Sam. Give it time. Big Sam. You can imagine, like, I'm liking him on, like, a jutting piece of masonry, like, holding up, well, what shall we say, 200 grand in a display case

and all the other managers sort of kneeling. That's my image of the week. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skin week. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about, I think we left Big Sam on some jotting masonry. He'd gone feral in your mind, hadn't he? There's a bit of me that thinks that he's coming away from this pretty well.

Like, he got a million quid in 67 days. He's better than three million quid in a year, isn't it? Isn't it three and a half a year, the England manager gets? Was it? I believe that's what Roy Hodgson got. I'm also messing with tents, as well, as clear as some singles. But also, I mean, I might be wrong here. I'm no football expert. But isn't he going to have the best victory statistics

of any England manager ever? 100% record. They can't take that from him now, unless they reinstate him and he has a terrible run. I mean, it was a terrible... He's got a million quid. He's won a game. And a 100% victory record.

It's great for him. Is his one game going to be available on DVD? That's the Allardyce years. Because it's a really terrible game. I mean, it was awful. With a fluke twin at the end. I mean, I don't want to watch any person's personal tragedy and gloat, but I did think that might be for the best.

Because it was such a terrible, terrible game. that might be for the best. Because it was such a terrible, terrible game. Anyway, as he says, Entrapment is the winner. Entrapment has won. Yeah. Greed was a very, very close second, wasn't it? Yes. He'd make a good Oscar announcement,

and Entrapment is the winner. Followed by entonement. No, he was... It wasn't. I mean, if I was the fake Sheikh, I'd be thinking, well, they've nicked my act. Yeah. These people.

Can you not? Is there no way you can copyright scamming? Oh, that's a good question. It's such a dodgy area, I suppose. Why do they ever have meetings with any... Far Eastern businessman. It seems like... Surely alarm bells.

Yeah, exactly. Surely by now you'd have read enough reports. I think the thing is with the alarm bells, is that moment where the donger actually hits the casing of the bell, there's quite a wad of cash which is sort of cushioning the impact. You can't hear the alarm bells quite as loudly. The shock absorber of cash. I tell you what I haven't seen, the shock absorber

of cash is it's lovely. I think that is a novel by Vero Bainbridge. Yeah. I haven't seen the headline Big Scam Oh that's a good point Which is, I mean, what are they up to these people

Again, this is the joy of the pre-record, if there has been one nobody can correct me But I haven't, I've scoured the internet, let's face it it was filthy, it needed scouring It did And no one's done Big Scam.

No, that's strange. Yeah. It's a funny old world. He slagged off Roy as well, didn't he? Yes, he did. Yeah. I don't know if you can... You would know better than this,

because you're our political correctness correspondent. PC correspondent. Yeah. Are you fine with that? I'm fine with that. PC Correspondent. Wasn't he in Morse? I think so, yeah.

One of the lesser figures in Morse. He readily wrote to him, didn't he? PC Jeff Correspondent, his name was. I think he was Belgian parentage. I think that people's verbal things, speech... Do they still call impediments? I don't know if they still call them that. I don't think you can do that anymore, can you?

That's gone. No, you can't. No, I don't think so. So... I'll tell you what he did do. He may not have known it at the time that he was being sacked, but he has sent postcards to all of the squad that have arrived on Friday after

being sacked on the Tuesday. I see. So they've literally, I mean we're pre-recording this but they've arrived today. Postcards saying what? Saying well done, we've done our first victory and onwards kind of thing. Oh, they went still. They've gone out. Yeah, they went out.

It's brilliant. That's going to... Well, on eBay, they've still gone out. Yeah, they went out. It's brilliant. Well, on eBay, they're collectible. It says they're really collectible. Look tonight, because the players are from straight on eBay. Big Sam will probably put about two dozen on it. He'll be writing them today for eBay. I should think so, yeah. I bet he sells one to a Far Eastern person.

He's got two and a half million of his first year's salary to claw back, hasn't he? Maybe we should be more sympathetic. I just can't find it. No, there's nothing there to be sympathetic about. Simply can't find it. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. A strange part of the Big Sam story was this somewhat unfiltered description of the royal boys. The Prince Harry, he said he was a naughty boy, didn't he?

He's a very naughty boy. Yeah, showing his bum and stuff. His bum and stuff. His bum and stuff. It felt like... He roiled area. Why are they reporting this? It really felt like... Were they short on a couple of paragraphs?

They're leading in places, aren't they? They're saying, like, so, what do you think about... Oh, is that what's happened? Yeah, that's... I mean, they're trying... I find, on the rare occasions I speak to Far Eastern businessmen... Oh, that is one thing I do not like about you. I'm going to say it directly to your face. Well, I mean, if they come over to you on a train, you can't ignore them.

Especially when they just give you a Rolex straight off. You have to. Now, whenever I speak to businessmen of any kind, I always feel what they're looking for is a bit of behind the scenes. They love that. They love any sort of, oh, what's that? So what's that? Do you know what I'd like?

They love all that. And I guess they were giving him a bit of that. And you realise that it is currency because people love it, anything. Just to hear you talking about people in a laid-back fashion. I never give them a tiny morsel. I can't imagine Sam's hanging out with the royals that frequently, where he's got to a point where he can casually go, Oh, you're a naughty boy.

He tried to hang out with them, but William didn't turn up. He said it'd have been nice if he'd turned up. I suppose he's busy. Making him sound less like a prince, more like a dad of a goalie on a Sunday league team. It'd be nice if he'd shown up. But they were... I think the thing is as well with the sympathy

is that he's got an enormous face. Yeah. So I suppose if that face looks sad, proportionately, he looks desolate. On a smaller face, what would look like a little bit of, oh, there you go. On a face of that scale, it looks like the world has collapsed. Bloodhound sad. I tell you what I'm not enjoying is the frequent use of the phrase cash bung. Bung.

You don't like it? No. Makes me wince every time I hear it on the news and say they've been accused of taking cash bungs. You're like, I don't like that. You think it's... That's not how I'd have taken it. New form. Well, you know, if you're abroad and you're coming back through customs,

maybe it's your only choice. That's the only way. Yeah, it's the sort of antithesis of money laundering. Isn't it? Yeah, it needs laundering, definitely. Maybe you could go in what we used to call a washerette. Nice. That's a word I'd forgotten all about.

That's what I love about this show. My mind is like a well I just throw down the bucket, and who knows? Sometimes it's just slime, but sometimes it's that thing I threw in in 1968. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio Alan Cochran Zoe Lyons is with us Hey This morning you will have noticed

Hello You will have noticed that by now Hello Always a joy So come on Zoe, what's in your world? Oh You're really struggling to talk about something other than yourself or Big Sam there That sounded like...

Oh, come on, let's get the niceties out of the way. What have you got to say? Let's get a bit of balance. Get a female voice into the forefront. PC, Constable PC. I am... I'm feeling very relaxed and very happy at the moment, actually. OK, let's talk about football again.

I've just come back from a two-week holiday. Not bragging. Wow, you're always, every time you're on here, you've been away. I know. What a life you lead. What a crazy, crazy life I live. You're like Princess Eugenie. Very, very much like her. He's in a pod.

You put us beside each other and you're like, which one of those? One of them went on holiday with... One of them went on holiday with Jimmy Carr. Eugenie or Beatrice. Really? I think that might be right, yeah. Okay.

It's happened to comedy. Is that where you were? I wasn't with Jimmy Carr, Eugenie or the other one. No, I went to... When I go on holiday, I like to be as far... I met Eugenie and She offered me a free wish. Oh, dear. What is her name?

Eugenie is her name. It is Eugenie. Is it Eugenie? It is, yeah. I know. It's Huge Genie. Huge Genie. She was named after the Aladdin character.

When you say Eugenie, it doesn't... That's one of those words that when you say it repeatedly, it just loses all of its meaning, and Eugenia. Yeah, like the famous jazz clarinetist, Acker Bilk. If you keep saying Acker Bilk, you think this can't possibly be a name, can it? Anyho, I like to travel as far away from other British people as I possibly can. Oh, don't say that, racist. I do, I do.

You're supposed to be our PC correspondent. Well, even PC correspondents every now and again... Need a break. Need a break from it all. What about, can I tell you, I was in Euro Disney. It's called Disneyland Paris now. And I was at one of their very lovely restaurants, seriously. And there was a British family, well, English family there.

I don't want to drag them all in and they said no no we just want chips we just want six plates of chips and not anything else

it was really brilliant this is in France in France what? parma le met you want the parma le met I remember being in a very posh restaurant

in London once and do you? I do once when you weren't on holiday when I wasn't on holiday I was eating in a very posh restaurant in London once. Do you? I do once. When you weren't on holiday. When I wasn't on holiday, I was eating in a posh restaurant. What a life. And I'd ordered steak with chips.

I thought I had anyway, and the waiter came up and he went, here's your steak and your pom a limit. I went, no, mate, no, didn't order the limit. Ordered chips, mate. And he went, those are the chips, madam. They're pom a limit. At least he handled it. Like a match.

A potato match. I ordered steak.are well done i ordered in case you don't know which as i didn't it's just a pile of raw steak it looks like um roadkill i didn't know that it's my first ever posh restaurant that's my favorite dish steak tartare oh with a raw egg on top. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Red meat sushi. Hello. Do you think it would be a very, very subtle way of dumping someone if you bought them steak tartare? Yeah, too subtle, maybe. Tartare.

What if they didn't get it, though? Well, you fired them up with raw meat, they'd tear you apart. That's the trouble. Taste of flesh in their mouth. So where did you go? I went to Kurosawa No, hold on a minute No, don't know

Let's have a guess at least Kurosawa is in the Kurosawa Kurosawa is in Japan I wasn't there No Ecuador, is it somewhere like that? No

Don't text us buddy You better tell us or someone will text in It's the Dutch Antilles What? It's just above Venezuela. Another three things I don't know. I know what Dutch means. Antilles, I honestly thought were big shrimps.

It's a string of islands. Oh, is it? Yeah. I only met one other British person while I was away. I like the fact that it's a string of islands. Do they call them that? I don't know whether you call them strings of islands. I imagine them hanging from the

bottom of a big goldfish. What is that? It's a string of islands. No, that thing that hangs from a goldfish. It looks like it's got blinds in him. A goldfish shoelace. Yes. I think we've perhaps gone too far

on what things hanging out of goldfishfishes, thank god there's no texting this week we were just finding out about the Dutch on teals Dutch on teals no idea just about Venezuela, it's very nice it's full of Dutch people Dutch on teals. Dutch on teals. Dutch on teals. I've no idea. Yeah.

It's very island. They're just about Venezuela. It's very nice. It's full of Dutch people. Where's Venezuela near? It's Venezuela's near. We can eventually work our way to a bit of the world, The top of South America.

The top of South America. Oh, okay. Isn't that North America? No, that's North America. I think it would be, wouldn't you, logically? Yeah. Okay.

I was diving. That's what I do. And this is why I've got the fish book in the toilet. Love a bit of diving. Love a bit of diving. So what body of water is that you were diving in there? The Caribbean Sea. So that's why you've bought the Caribbean Sea book.

Yeah. So these books, are they waterproof? They are. They have a slight plastic... Resin-y. Yeah, they're slightly laminated. So you can take them under? It would be a bit...

Yeah, but I mean, that would really be going too far if you were trying to... Yeah, it's not snap. Yeah. But it's... I thought you might press them, the way they used to leave. Collect them like a stamp book.

No, but that's frustrating, isn't it? Because you're down there and you see one. I suppose you just have to... Do you have a camera and things? I've got a camera. Underwater camera? Yeah, I've got an underwater camera. That's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? I heard myself saying then underwater camera with awe

and I thought people at home will be thinking yeah, they do it. You must have heard of those before. They've been around a bit. I didn't know that. You'd think it'd get into the film. Yes, you would, wouldn't you? You would, but it's in a tight little box.

So if you're there for two weeks, how often would you dive? Every second day. Sometimes twice, two, three days in a row and then take a day off. I mean, do you get, if you dived, dove? Dived.

That is the past tense, dived. If you dived every day, would stuff start happening to your body that you wouldn't like? No, no, you're alright. No, sometimes your ears get a bit sore, but other than that, you're fine. Your ears get sore? Yeah, because of the water pressure.

How do they pull you out, these sailors? Not by the ears? Not by the ears, no. Because of the pressure on your ears. Oh, OK. Have you... I have done a little... Diven?

I have done a little... Diven. Have you really? Diven, yeah. It's my idea of absolute hell. Why? Well, because I don't go in the deep end at the swimming pool. Yeah.

So the idea of being underwater. Yeah. And you do have to have a swimming minimum. Yeah. Yeah, what if you sneezed? You can sneeze, you can cough, you can even throw up underwater. I've discovered this. Really?

Yeah, I haven't done it personally, but I know people who have. So where does that go? Does it go into your mask? Well, just through the regulator. Oh. And you can do it, yeah. It, uh, yeah. That's good to know. It's good to know, though, just in case you ever get a bit seasick underwater, I suppose.

You can't get seasick underwater, can you? You can get a bit gippy. You can get a bit gippy. Underwater, you can get that. Yeah, yeah. I love it when it gets a bit choppy underwater and you can see the fish even going, ooh. Well, they tell you, don't they?

If you get a bit seasick, look at the horizon. It's a bit difficult when you're underwater. Yeah, that is true. Have you done a drift dive? I've done a drift dive. Oh, there it is. What is that? Like, you're in a current, so you sort of just see stuff going past.

You can sit cross-legged and just bomb past. Eight-foot seahorse? Eight-foot seahorse. You can ride an eight-foot seahorse. So he's sitting cross-legged with a laminated book, just going tick, tick, tick. Tick, eight-foot seahorse. Yeah, seeing it all. Of course, it's no good closing the toilet door after the 8.14.

I find. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We left, having left previously in the show, Big Sam Allardyce on some jotting masonry, displaying money to other unemployed managers,

we now, I think the last time we saw you, you were drifting underwater. Drifting underwater, quite happily. I tell you why I love it so much, Frank, because nobody can talk to you. Oh, that sounds good. It is good, you know. Don't they have underwater notepads?

That's what I've seen all along. Yeah, if you've got anything, you've really got to get off your chest, but no, you're supposed to stay really close to your buddy in case anything happens. My buddy's using my wife, and I can still hear her hand-siggling nagging behind me. Yeah.

Yeah, and sometimes I just ignore her. And can you see her hair swirling in the water? Swirling in the water. She desperately tries to get my attention. Of course, she must love it in the Dutch hand-tails, because they're all Dutch. They're all Dutch. Yeah.

It's all Dutch. But it made me think, I wondered, I thought, while I was there, because when you're on a holiday like that, because it was a bit rough around the edges, it was lovely, you know, you just wear a pair of flip-flops, a pair of shorts, same T-shirt every day, pretty much. Different rules apply on holiday. Same T-shirt for two weeks. Different rules apply on holiday. Same T-shirt for two weeks.

Well, yeah, I'll give it a quick rinse out. I suppose if you're diving in it... It'll be fine. It's washing itself. Yeah. I thought I could be quite happy doing this. No, not forever, though. I don't know, though. I think I could be. Really?

Well, I've rarely been on a two-week holiday in the last ten years, I would say. I generally do a week. And even when I've had the best time ever, there's always a fair part of me thinking, oh, I'd be happy to get back on my own toilet. Not just my own toilet, but basically those things which one is familiar with I'm not a very good traveller

I always know I like it when I'm out there but as the song says it's nice to go travelling but it's oh so nice to come home and I couldn't live the flip flop life you couldn't even with my legs which I've been told are fantastic it's the

sand would put me off i don't really love sand don't you no i like being in the water but i don't like sand though if they could concrete you get to the water exactly it's a cable car from the uh from the promenade yeah you need your bacardi rum jetty i think i do yeah why don't they have cable cars from the promenade? Or what would be better would be a zip wire, so you don't have to touch the beach at all, just come down off straight in splash. We're getting one in Brighton.

Big slide. Oh, yeah, zip wire. We're getting a zip wire. Not into the sea, that would have been amazing. I suppose the problem is getting out of the sea on a zip wire. Getting out of the sea, that is the sort of one-way journey. You're going to have to wiggle as far up as you can. Remember the man from Atlantis used to do that swimming style? It was a bit like

when people do that caterpillar dance thing. Body popping. And then you have to get as far as you can and hoping the wind would get behind you and you steadily creak back up the zip wire. No. There is going to be a zip wire in Brighton. There's going to be a zip wire in Brighton. To counter the I-360 that we've got in Brighton

now the viewing tower yeah been open for two months and broken down three times yeah well oh has it yeah I had money on it it's the big Sam

breaking news of tourist attractions yes I had some people got stock in it they got stock for two hours there's no loo on it there's a bar but there's no loo. And I think at about the hour and a half mark, sort of tensions were rising,

and somebody produced a bucket from behind the bar. And apparently nobody needed to use the bucket, but that would have been... Oh, OK. Yeah. And the thing was, it was only annoyingly 35 feet off the ground, so it was quite close to the ground. So it looked like, you know, the ground was in sight.

But if you had had to go in a bucket, most people passing on a double-decker bus would have seen you do it. So it's just really... But, you know, these are teething problems. I'm all for it. I like an observation tower, generally. Do you? Yeah, I prefer that to going underwater. Yeah.

I suppose ideally what you want is one on a swivel so you go in it you get fabulous views of Brighton then it spins round, you see some 8 foot seahorses and then it comes back up imagine it dripping as it comes out you get back to the top, fabulous views

down you go again the number of good inventions you come up with just thinking off the top of your head what it needs is... It needs a sort of Richard Branson figure listening to this show on a regular basis. And he could just write these in, I wouldn't make a hope there. I don't imagine he listens to this show now.

What, from Necker Island? See, he's a bloke. He's got his own, hasn't he? He's done your thing. Yeah. One of my happiest, happiest things is sitting with my back against a tree i there you go i there's something that happens when i do that it makes me feel genuinely blessed

and they do a lot of that on a desert island today yeah um so i'd be all right with that it's been that we're not having to eat the bark off it that would that would get on my nerves. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons is with us this morning. I should have got a jingle that roared.

Yeah, that would be nice. And then I could have done the cockerel, you knowerel and then the lion. Cockerel and lion. Next time. We're like a coat of arms, aren't we? Yeah, we are. And maybe I could get the sound effect of a griffin. Yeah. To complete the heraldic big three.

Usually at the top of hours you tell them stuff, don't you? Yes. Okay, thanks for that prompt. You can tweet us on atfr Frank on the radio. We'll email us via the Absolute Radio website. But don't text us this morning, please, because we're not here. I didn't feel good about reminding you there.

No, no, I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm glad you reminded me. Thank you. It's all right. We're pre-recording this. That's right. For us, and I don't want to really confuse you, but for us it's

Friday morning. So don't text us because obviously there are complications there. Yeah. Just take a moment to think about that. I think I've cleared it all. I'll tell you what's a good story. I like it a lot. There's a story in the news, you know,

the news, capital T, capital N, about a school... I hate the news. Yeah, I quite often hate it. I hate world news. Oh, yeah. World news is the most dull thing. Capital W, capital N.

Boring. When you're on holiday and you can only get, like, world news. Oh, who cares about that? Well, I suppose this does come under World News category, but it's interesting World News. There's a school in America, Baltimore, that has replaced detention with meditation.

The kids go off and they have a little think, and not like a naughty step. They go to, I think they call it a mindful moment room. That's what they must say. I bet they say stuff like, OK, Travis, it's time for you to go in the mindful moment room. That's what they must say. I bet they say stuff like, OK, Travis, it's time for you to go in the mindful moment room. And I say, what you talking about, Willis?

Do they still say that? Willis is the teacher. Mr Willis to you. Yeah. No, I imagine Willis is probably one of the girls' first names. Oh, yeah. Willis Benedict, that cute blonde. You know Willis? Willis was there with Taylor and

Jackson. It's all surnames. It's going on. Anyway, they say that apparently since the start of last year, the primary school has not suspended a single pupil. How many pupils are this primary school suspending that this is

newsworthy? Well, I like it. To make this story really good, it's good to picture it as a tough inner city school that has been zenned out by meditation. That's the story. This is what I do with the news. I use it as a springboard.

And you fill in the rest of it to make it slightly better. Exactly. Otherwise use it as a springboard. And you fill in the rest of it. And then I take it. To make it slightly better. Exactly. That's a good way of looking at it. Otherwise it can be a dull string of facts, the news. Who needs that? So that's what I'm imagining. Kids that would have gone wrong have been

saved by meditation. They have. It's not an easy thing to meditate, though. No. I mean, it sounds like an easy thing to do, just sort of sit down and clear your mind. What? And even my mind that isn't that really occupied most of the time, it's difficult to clear it.

It is. It's hard not to think of anything. Mostly I go towards what I'm going to have for tea. Like, I'll try and clear it and sort of be all zen-like and in the moment, and then it's like, chicken or pork. My advice is meditate after tea. Yeah. OK.

Then that's that part of yourself. But then I'm on to breakfast. I'm already thinking... Oh, that's ridiculous. I mean, it's actually going across the 24-hour barrier. There's no hope. David Lynch is very into transcendental meditation. TM, as they call it.

David Lynch is a well-known filmmaker. Just helping out. My job. And if you've ever seen any of his movies, you think, well, he does need to clear that mind out every now and then. No, I love his movies. I'm guessing you do too. I once tuned into

Razorhead is one of them, isn't it? You tuned into it? Well, I tuned into it. I came home a little needed it. Well, I tuned into it. Stumbled across. I came home a little needed. You were in your meditation and you're using a satellite dish as part of it. I was using a fork and a piece of aluminium foil. Congratulations, I found that. I can't make that work.

David Lynch's a razor head. It is, I mean, it's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Don't watch it with the kids. No. Don't watch it after a few cherries as I did. When they take the wrapping off the baby. Hello.

I mean that. Come on. Yeah. Come on. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. I have to say, on the meditation front, on the meditation front, I was schooled in it by ACAS.

Do you know ACAS, that organisation? ACAS? Conciliation Service. Oh, really? And the ombudsman did like a course on it. Are these the people that go into industrial tribunals and stuff like that? ACAS, then? Oh, hold on. No, that can stuff like that. Yeah. ACAS. Then. Or hold on.

No, that can't be right. No, that's mediation. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. No, I've... It was a joke all along. He's good, isn't he? He got me.

He got me. I know there'll be people... I've got a better one coming up. Oh, okay, good. You ready? Shall I do it now? Do coming up. Oh, okay, good. You ready? Shall I do it now? Do it. Why not?

Chuck it in. Do you think the kids call it home time? Come on! That is a joke. That's a joke. That's like a proper joke. Yeah. Okay.

And a typo. It's a bit like a typo. Yeah. Very good. I wasn't sure how far to take that home, because you don't want to go too far away from home time. So you don't want to go, the kids call it home or people have forgot where you're coming

from. Absolutely. Or the workshop there for any young comics. I know a lot of young comics listen to this show to, well, to steal material. So I think there will be people listening to this people and again working with my plural sting thinking rubbish because i think it's very easy isn't it

to think mindfulness it's those people you see with a yoga mat under their arm you live in bright i live in bright come on they're everywhere i've got two yoga mats i don't even go to yoga and i've got two yoga one under each arm one under each arm double yoga mat that's uh that's a particularly difficult position yeah yeah the double yoga mat um eugenie of course she goes but she has her flying carpet instead um but i I have done meditation. And it absolutely,

I mean, I don't like to have serious moments, but it solved all my ills. I think it changed my life. It took, to be honest, a great deal of pain out of my life. That's great. I know how old I was older that was, medication. Oh!

Oh! He's got us again. He's got us again. They just keep coming with this guy. No, I have done meditation. I think it's brilliant, and there's no joke this time. Right. I honestly do.

I think people at home who are being sniffy... Yeah. I mean, there might not be anyone being sniffy. No, they might not. They might be into it. It's coming more and more of a thing, isn't it? People are really like, oh, yeah, let's get in touch with our brains. It's just taking time out to stop, isn't it? Yeah.

But I learn to do it. You know, you said that thing about, I can sort of stop thinking completely for several minutes now. I thought it wasn't that you were meant to stop thinking, it was just that if you did catch your mind wandering, you spotted it and kind of brought it back to the middle. Oh, yeah, that's good. But ideally, you don't have any thoughts at all. Yeah, see, I feel like I haven't ever really started thinking,

so I might be a natural mind-convergence guy. I think I might be quite... But you never stop thinking, do you, normally? What they use, I think, for me, it's a bit like the old IT thing. If it's not working, you switch it off and you switch it back on again. Right. So you do that, you just stop thinking completely, so there's nothing. Right.

And when you first do it, it's a bit scary, because you think, what if I can't put this back on again? Then I'll be a gibbering fool for the rest of my life. Computer will be broken forever. Yeah, if you just never get it back. But then you see loads of people seem to manage. Without being fully booted. Exactly.

They're everywhere. So I relaxed into it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I should say I'm using the Lorax this morning, which is the new system that we've got here at Absolute Radio. Are you? And the very first link we did,

a thing came up saying, I'm too long i mean i have never been so insulted so yes so i've um i once spent a week at a um a sort of meditation center did you a whole week ah i think was that for a television programme? It was for a television programme. Yeah, but I did get heavily into it. You were into it. It follows the teachings of the Shriv Neshevich. It's called Osho.

It's known as Osho for short. And their theory is that you can't, because the Western world is so busy, busy, busy, you need to sort of exhaust yourself before you meditate. So you can't do anything other than just sit. And how do you exhaust yourself? There are many exercises. One of them was a sort of shouting exercise.

Right. And what you have to do is a group of about 12 of us, and we've been together for a while. Did you not get this from West Brom? Yeah, but this is a two-way street. The players rarely call back. They're too regimented. So you walk up to people and you scream, and I can't exactly replicate it because it's very, very loud and there's quite a lot of swearing in it. But you say stuff about them that winds you up. Oh, wow.

Really loud. I mean, I'll try and do it. Hang on, so you walk up to people who are in the group with you, and then you shout at them stuff that really... So people would come over and say to me, honestly, they would say to me stuff like, just because you're famous, you think you're so fantastic, you know, you're arrogant and blah, blah arrogant and you think you're going to use us

as just idiots on your show. And they'd shout that a foot from my face. It was like being one of Brad Pitt's children. I mean, really. But I'd be shouting back at them, I don't want to be so pathetic, and we'd be doing this simultaneously. And we'd do that for, I don't be so pathetic you know, and blah blah blah, and we'd be doing this simultaneously, and we'd do that for, I suppose

the whole, then when you'd spent that bit of rage, you'd go across to the next person, maybe shout about their jumper for three and a half minutes Right And at the end of it, you've the idea is, it's all out and then you sit and you do some meditation

And you can get zen. Wow, isn't that slightly awkward once you've called somebody a name that you can't repeat on the radio? You're not supposed to. It's sort of what happens in Edinburgh stays in Edinburgh. Right. What happens during the shouting exercise stays in the shouting exercise. I wouldn't be zen enough to let that go. No, people did say that thing about, and I said, no, I wasn't... I didn't really mean that bit.

And then there's just an uneasiness. After the meditation, there'd be a serious conversation. Yeah. But we had lots of serious conversations. It was great. But you were pro the meditation in the school. You think that's a good thing? Definitely.

The picture that accompanies it, just that as a little kid in a vest, just sitting. He's doing that fingers thing. One of them's doing the fingers thing. One of them is just sitting. He just looks very, the way kids have got that natural straight back. Like my four-year-old, when he touches his toe, he does yoga at school. Oh, cool.

And he'll touch his toes, and it's the most, I think... I can't touch my toes. If I could, it wouldn't look like that. Because if I did touch my toes, there would be a sense of real effort going on. Also, they should get them while they're young, because they've got the kind of flexibility to put their feet on their hips in the cross-legged... All that stuff.

Perfect timing, really, thinking about it. You've got to get them very young in this country, because they get to about 12 and what with the national obesity crisis the chance of them crossing their legs at all is almost zero. You might be able to put the two legs side by side but

even then. You can't separate them. No. They've more or less become one leg. I mean we're breeding a nation of mermaids and mermen. You'll have a book about them soon in your toilet. Yeah, that'll be my toilet book. The kids of Britain.

It's a lesser spotted giant floater. Yes, again, their diet isn't right as well, as you say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I like this idea that there's soft places and calm places in an infant school. It's all very nice, but I just worry... Soft places, Santa. That's what they have.

It's all comfortable and there's purple and all that. And it's nice enough. When someone says and there's purple and all that in a northern accent, it sounds very derogatory, doesn't it? I love the word soft places. My worry, I'll be absolutely frank, is that

we... Where are the bullies going to go? There'll be no bullies. There's no place for them anymore? There'll be no bullies. There's no place for them anymore. There'll be no bullies. I suppose they might not be at school. There'd be absentees, wouldn't there? No, the bullies will look into their inner selves

and see that bullying is a hostile and unpleasant thing that only brings sadness to them, ultimately. Or alternative, they'll look into a room full of weedy kids with their eyes shut and think, brilliant, it's like shooting fish in a barrel in here, isn't it? Well, this is why the learned people of the Orient thought if we're going to have meditation, we're going to have to combine it with being able to kill people

with your bare hands. That's right. Yes. And that's why those two seemingly contradictory attitudes run side by side in the yin and the yang. In the Far East. Very true. Kill somebody with your bare hands

and then sit down and have a long, hard think about it. Exactly. Meanwhile, the local businessman in the Far East had too busy dangling money over the English management. Managements. Yes, indeed. Managements, I quite like. Easy for you to say.

Managements. Manage-mers. Yes, indeed. Manage-mers, I quite like. Easy for you to say. Manage-mers. Manage-mers. There's other children not behaving how they're supposed to news this week. Prince George, you know... Which one is he? Prince George, he's William's eldest, because the other one's a child. I notice he's William's eldest, sexist.

William, well, Prince William... Come on, Zoe, you're our PC correspondent. Kate and William's eldest, sexist. Um, William, well, Prince William... Come on, Zoe, you're our PC correspondent. Kate and William's eldest. I was speaking about the royal family, and she is... Be very careful what you say next. She's there by marriage. I bet she can cross her legs easily.

Yes, she looks lithe, doesn't she? Nimble. Anyway, he did not give a high five to the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. He left him hanging. Justin Trudeau did that thing of crouching down, which I always think is when adults do that,

they've read that in a manual, haven't they? Like how to approach children. You have to get down to eye level. With children and Jack Russells. Why don't you just grunt at them from your own height? That's the Yorkshire way. That's how people in the north of England... Don't make any concessions.

Alan's adopted the tennis umpire approach to talking to children. Trudeau is the coolest man on the planet, isn't he? Take that back. He got left hanging, though, didn't he? He does yoga moves on his own desk. Does he? That's how cool he is. Does he actually?

He does. He's got a picture of him doing a very difficult yoga stance on his own desk. No way. Yes, because he's that cool. Why is he doing it on his desk? Just because he can. Why not? Just because he can and he's the Canadian Prime Minister.

What yoga stance? I want to know the details. That one where you just hold yourself up with your... It's like these full weights on... It's not a handstand. Is he standing on a piece of blotting paper? You don't have to press it down to get that. I've never... Well, I've never seen that picture.

Google it. It exists. Is he in yoga outfit? No, he's in his shirt and tie, but rolled up sleeves, obviously, because he's Trudeau, and he's got a casual approach to work. He'll fit in a bit of policymaking with a bit of posture. It's part of this American... I know he's Canadian, obviously, but it's part of this American thing of standing up when you work, isn't it? The standing desk.

Standing meetings. That's what they have. Yeah? Yeah. 30 seconds. I mean, I stand at work and you do. I stand at work. We're stand-ups. Yeah, I've had standing meetings before, mainly when I used to drink on street corners.

But I can see the plus of it, especially on the money saved on chairs. You never see... When you see, like, you know, drunkards on waste ground, they've never got chairs. They always have to make doing men. Or an old sofa. Well, they sometimes have an old sofa.

Love that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Is it still a high five if you're on your knees? I think it depends on hand up. Oh, that's still a high five? Yeah, if you go hand pointing downwards, I think it's a low five, which he also offered him,

and which Prince George also rejected. And then he went for the formal handshake, and apparently the prince just went and just shook his head. It's like, it's not happening. It's not happening, mate. I like they did that thing. All the headlines.

I don't know, this is obviously what the palace has officially brought out or every newspaper said that i saw oh he was too he was tired he'd just been on a thing they did that oh he's just showing off because he's tired they did everyone they're obviously told you know don't you can't criticize prince george for being haughty no so you'd have to say he's tired. You can't say that he sensed hostility about the whole idea of the Commonwealth.

And refused to join in. Yeah. So we had to you know, no one ever says no one said of Sam Allardyce, come on he was a bit he was tired. He was hungry. And he made some rash decisions. He did look hungry. He did look a bit hungry.

What if Ed said he was tired and just got away with it? Why should Prince George? See, we talk about the way the class barriers are broken down. The fact is, if you're Sam Allardyce, you're guilty. If you're Prince George, you're tired. Someone had to say it, Frank.

Well done. Maybe he's just so used to shaking See, if you're Prince George, you're tired. Yeah. Someone had to say it, Frank. I know. Well done. Quite right. I don't always like it when you get outspoken. Maybe he's just so used to shaking hands already, George, that, you know, when he was offered the high-five, he just thought, no, no. I'm three years old and I've been shaking hands for a good 18 months now.

Yeah, but he wouldn't even do the handshake. I suppose by then they'd used up their... No, he'd ruined it with a high-five attempt. It'd gone down the arch. He's not impressed by thingy Trudeau. What's his first name? I keep wanting to call him... Justin.

I want to call him Pierre, but that was his... No. That was his dad, was it? I think it might have been. Yes. Does Prince George have, like, a good chance of being king, then? Or is William going to be king and then someone else will be king? No, William will be king and then Prince George will be.

So he's probably going to be king. Hmm. Do you think he knows that already? Like, do you think? Well, one of the nannies. You know what nannies are like? He's probably got an eight-foot seahorse rocking horse, hasn't he? I think it affects his play.

Do you think? I tell you what, just imagine that if you were a teacher at his school, you could set up the whole school play thing. So he gets to sing I Just Can't Wait To Be King. That would be great. Oh, man, irresistible stuff. And like most kids, presumably, when they play with a sword, they pretend to knight people,

but he would actually be practising for his life. That's amazing. So when Trudeau knelt down, that's probably what he was thinking. Hold on, where's me cutlass he's yes he's amazing he's gotta sing he's just gotta sing um i just can't wait he's gotta sing that around the house you wouldn't be able to resist it would you well he'd have heard it a lot from his grandad as well. I used to really annoy... When I first... In my glory days, when I first took off... Oh, yeah. ...my career, I used to annoy old friends.

I used to go, When will I, will I be... Oh, I already have. Hated, hated me for it. Hated me. This is... Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can I tell you a child-based anecdote? Yeah.

Do your anecdote for us. I know people. Des O'Connor or something. Yeah. My son Buzz, he's four, Zoe. Right. And he had an eye test at school this week. And when they do anything like that, they want to recreate it at home, I find.

Right. Is this general? Generally true, Alan. You know more about parental than I do. I'm not sure. Anyway, he came back and with his rudimentary letter writing abilities, he did an eye chart on a bit of paper and sellotaped it to the wall,

and I had to have my eyes tested. So, obviously, I was quite close, so I could read them all right. He never asked me if I had my lenses in or anything. Yeah. But because his letters are a bit abstract, that was the test. I didn't mention that this was.

So I'm going, it's R, and he'd say yes, and we did that. And then Kath did, and he says, right, we'll do the next line now. So she went, okay, A, and he went, yes. We have to say A. So he got A, and he'd go we have to say ah so you go ah and he go yeah that's right um yes yes so she's going well and then she says um is that ah and he goes no she says oh no is it a dirt no i can't tell what is it a dirt now? I'll contact one and he'll say, it's a balloon. Now, to be fair, he never said they were all letters.

I mean, that was never part of the deal. We just assumed. Excellent. So what sort of glasses did you prescribe? Contact lenses. We never got that far. She's in agony. Focals. Yes.

I feel I should mention, you know, I must have told you this, Albert, I may not have told you, Zoe, about my worst ever greeting experience. I met Arnold Schwarzenegger at the film premiere. Yeah. And I had to introduce him with a couple of gags, and then he came on stage. And this was quite a while back, before he was a politician or anything like that.

So he was in his prime. And the low five was still in its infancy. I'd never seen a low five before in my life. So Arnie came on and said, very funny guy, thank you. And he put his hand out for a low five. And I didn't know what it was. So I leaned over to my left and shook his hand sideways.

And he said, it's a low five. And he just looked to the crowd and they all laughed. They were on Arnie's side and I was disgraced. Left holding Arnie's massive muscular hand. His massive muscular hand, yeah. But I still looked better in a suit than he did. True. He looked like they'd dressed some sort of ape

for some sort of promotional thing the Victorians are always dressing wildlife we started with wildlife and here we are again as T.S. Eliot said my end is my beginning so thank you so much for listening

this morning Zoe it's always great to have you on the show it's always great to have you on the show. Thanks for having me. It's always great to have you on, Al, but I think you take that note as a given. Whereas at London Zoo, we take it as a given. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Stay taut-taut. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. week. Stay Toto.