The Frank Skinner Show - Elon Dusk

Episode Date: July 17, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank went to the England final and played a gig with The Lightning Seeds. The team also discuss Richard Branson’s kitchen, old English folk songs and the Go Compare man.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, that gives an extra richness to the mix. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning to you both. Morning. And indeed to all our readers this morning. Our new Scottish. All our Scottish, Welsh and Irish.

They're all gathered around waiting to hear me in Sanctuary. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I genuinely thought it was coming home. to hear me in Sanctuary. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I did. I genuinely thought it was coming home. That's what I thought, right? Never mind. It was a fabulous adventure. Did you cry, Frank?

I didn't cry. You know what? My son cried. But I knew it said on the menu, post-match shepherd's pie. And that, for me, just kept me above water. You had the tears of May. Yeah, yeah. I thought, oh, that's where I'm going.

I was gutted for a couple know, a couple of minutes. Buzz Crud. It's happened to me so many times. I mean, people keep going on about 96. My first example of it that sticks in my mind was like 1970 World Cup quarterfinal. I remember losing that to Germany and going into the garden after on my own

and just kicking a little plastic ball around solemnly. And the neighbour said, too late now. As if if I'd done it earlier, that could have somehow saved the day. We're in Mexico, for goodness sake. Lovely sensitive people. Sorry, the neighbour implying

that you were in training for the next tournament well too late now suggested that I was somehow trying to contribute to this game that had just slipped away from us but you do get used to it I say Buzz absolutely cried

I think that's forgivable in a child I respect your stoicism of going well there's cried I think that's forgivable in a child oh yes in a child I respect your stoicism of going well there's pie yeah oh it was a bit of a tear somewhere as well it was not disappointing the shepherd's pie so was the pie laid

on by the FA well on this occasion in this tournament you might think me and Dave get tickets easily, but we've had to do a bit of scratching around. And in the previous game, for example, we were not in any sort of VIP. We went in the catch COVID areas.

Hang on, were you not? Because Tom Cruise and Kate Moss were on the guest list. They were in the Royal Box. Were you in the Royal Box? To be fair, they're massive football fans, both of them. And also, I mean, for the Denmark game, Boz spent a lot of the time standing on the back of the seating front because there are blokes at football who just stand up regardless of the seating.

And they do that thing of slightly looking around. Nobody, I'll stand up, those blokes. You know when you wish you'd got an elephant gone and the morality could be parked forever. But anyway, so I had to stand Buzz on the back of the seat. Now, you don't want a shot of Kate Moss doing that with Tom Cruise because he's going to feel humiliated. But it was...

So for the final, we were in the VIP area. What was the meal? Was that... That's a strange... That must have been like the sort of Republican camp with Rudy Giuliani and Donald Trump after the last election. Did it have that feel to it? It had a feel of...

I think that they'd gone... Well, interestingly, post the germany game it was um sausages and the sauerkraut in the vip area now that suggested to me that that was not an optimistic caterer no because we were talking about neil diamond who's been on our lips for much of this tournament because of his rival song yeah and um Dave I didn't know that Neil Diamond was Jewish Dave um has a list of all the Jewish people in the world celebrity wise and he's known as the Jewish Elvis Neil Diamond which I didn't know oh how lovely and the next day I sent a thing about I didn't see Neil Diamond at the game and all that.

And Dave texted back, well, I don't think he'd have liked the sausages and thing. I believe he's kosher. And I texted back, what about Crackling Rosie? Which is one of his tracks. And Dave never replied. So I was a bit miffed. So I pulled him up about it at the final. I said, I thought that was

a good joke and he come up with some trumped up excuse but not replied I pulled him up about it at the final

when England played Italy your priority was why didn't you give me sufficient love for that joke I'll tell you what

I'm a bloke I don't look any lumps in the carpet do you know what I mean I like everything nice and smooth and sorted and then i can relax it was okay we sorted it out we're all friends there's a lot of love there for those of you listening on the decade channels we just played life on mars by david bowie and and um it's so brilliant. You know, sometimes you just play a song and think, I've heard this song who knows how many hundred thousand times,

but there's a thing that got me through my teens a bit and that is, oh man, look at those cavemen go. And whenever there was trouble went off in a nightclub in Birmingham, it used to make me feel a little bit superior that I was with David Bowie and they were the cavemen. Well, it's the freakiest show

got me through my parents. Well, there you go. Perfect. Well, speaking of look at those cavemen go, I was witness to the bother at the game. You know, fans broke in to the game. Well, let me tell you. Silly Billy.

There is an avenue of celebrity that takes you into the VIP thing, which is constructed. And I was walking down there. I know. I was walking down there shoulder to shoulder with Mel C when suddenly the fence started caving in to our right.

And, oh, man, look at those cavemen go. And these guys are trying to get people who hadn't got a ticket, presumably. And it was, I mean, I think me and Mel see ourselves as sort of down-to-earth celebrities, but we don't want the fence between us and them down-to-earth celebrities but we don't want the fence between us and them down-to-earth literally you know you want a bit of uh so it was not when they're in that condition it was a little bit uh scary and they were obviously they were they were on a mission but I thought I thought don't come into the VIP you're aiming too high you know start work your way up break into the ground

and then make your way to what don't go don't aim at the top tier but it was quite scary they were um furious absolutely furious they were so we got into the uh we got into the ground and we looked down from the concourse and we could see him still bursting in. It was like being Tsar Nicholas at the storming of the Winter Palace. It was... It was... God, if I'd been out there at that point, I'd have been genuine.

It was really quite scary. Some very... I think Mel C would have presented you, though. Yeah, Mel C would have done some flying kicks. Do you know, I think you're right, Al. She's someone you'd want on your side. Yeah. Definitely.

Cruz, I mean, let's be honest, Cruz was knocking around as well. Yeah. Would you, he must have picked up some stuff. I would go Mel C every time, though. Yes, definitely. Well, Melsea could have hit a sort of high sea and maybe brought a section of floodlight down on them or something like that. But, yeah, it was...

Oh, I tell you why it was a walk down memory lane for me. I remember football was like that every week. So, you know, things have gone better. I mean, fair play. In the old days when football was like that every week, you weren't potentially being protected by a heritage pop star. No. No, that is true.

If someone had said to me, the next time you see football hooliganism, you'll be with a member of the biggest girl band in history. I mean, imagine that. How nice to hear that. And as you say, if you're going to pick one, maybe, I suppose, Mel, it'd be one of the Mels if you were looking for protection.

Oh, 100%. Definitely. I mean, I've got to say, though, Moss, she looks like she's got something in her. I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her. Yeah, but we didn't get anywhere near the Royal Box. Oh, did you not? No.

Okay. Didn't James Hewitt say that once? Oh, my. Testimony. Good heavens, Matt. Anyway, it was scary, but the shepherd's pie I found made up for the whole, all the negatives of the evening were rescued by the shepherd's pie.

Free meal. Free meal is always good, but shepherd's pie. It reminds me of them school dinners. I was one of the people who loved school dinners. Me too. And shepherd's pie was the jewel in the crown at our school. We've had this in from 815. Worst, on our worst ever phone in.

I think you'd ask for those, for example. Don't call, don't call. Texting. They called it phone in, but you're actually right, it is texting. Last week, Frank asked what their worst ever phone in question, texting question had been. The one I remember most fondly was from perhaps ten years ago. Why is life a grotesque pantomime? I still haven't heard a good answer. No, well, some of them do fall on stony ground.

Sometimes we do ones that never get an answer at all. OK. I like to think people are just pondering it. Yeah, well, maybe we'll still get some answers coming in. If anyone does know the answer to why life is a grotesque pantomime, I'd love to know. Someone went off and did a philosophy degree so they could send in a really good text.

That would be great. John Hopkins, Frank, has said, having listened to Frank... Eton Master. Having listened to Frank's story about the storming of Wembley, everything now slots into place. Obviously, those ne'er-do-wells had heard about the never-ending supply of cottage pie on offer. Shepherds, shepherds, please.

In the VIP section. You can't keep a caveman from his mince and mash. No, I mean, if that was their motivation, I would have some sympathy because that is the pavlov dog thing you shouldn't they shouldn't have dangled the shepherd's pies over the side of the wall hey lads look at these beauties do you think um in qatar in the world cop when it's i mean i know they've moved it to the winter so theoretically they've moved it

to the winter so it won't be hot the average temperature I believe when it's being played is 30 degrees so if you imagine what it's going to be

say on Sunday in England it looks like it's going to be a lot of 30 degrees that's how it's going to be for the football a shepherd's pie

will feel it just won't fit will it? No, it'll be wrong. You know, and there's probably more shepherds there. I don't know if I'm guessing. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, is it going to be like salads and things?

Yes, it will. Oh, no. Ice lollies, maybe? I'm going to do the joke again. World in lotion. That's what it will be, that World Cup. You can't serve that out at the hospitality no a caesar salad and a twister who wants that no oh a twister do you like a twister i do i don't mind one um anyway so um once again uh thank you to our um irish well

scottish fans for coming back this week because You didn't want to listen to that stuff last week. And we did lose, and we did lose on a penalty shootout. Penalty shootout, I think we can generally accept now that Gareth Southgate, lovely bloke, but he's just bad luck. I mean, that's, the evidence is there.

But it was a good laugh while we had it. And I got to talk to Mel C, Shepard's Pie, saw some football. I'm enjoying this review of your last one. I know! I thought I do. Got to talk to Mel C, Shepard's Pie. Yeah, that's what you want, I think, is that kind of summary.

And you got to spend a lot of quality time with David, which is nice. That was lovely. In fact, we were in a box and it was me, Ian and David with our cobs, with our lion cobs, which is really... I find that very wholesome. I love that. That was special. In fact, so many great things in my life have been spoiled by England football team. Perfect moments.

But, you know, it's only football. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Paul Belisle has said to you, Frank, so you went to the final for Sporty and it ended up being scary. Oh, that's good. And then he said, which I like, I love Boyle Isle for this, reuse 90s Spice Girl jokes is his hashtag.

No, well, it was, I didn't actually go with Mel C. I don't want to start. Oh, you know, we just happened to, we happened to be going down the same avenue of fame. I think we'd both admit that. We're going down it the wrong way. Am I right? Or the right way.

I say, am I right? Depending on how you look at it. Exactly, yeah. I'll tell you something. What was brilliant, though, is on the afternoon of the final, we did a gig. We did a live gig with the Lightning Scenes. No.

Where was that? Well well that's a very good question because we got interviewed on the like this radio guy interviewed us on the stage and he started you know you know what these radio guys are like he started by saying so i'm with um i'm with uh frank skinner and david baddiel on stage can you just tell us guys where are we at the moment and we didn't neither of us knew the name of the place we were at we just got in a car and got out of a car so we said well we're on stage

and he said yeah guys where are what's this place I didn't know it would be a quiz it's a quiz so you shouldn't ask a man my age. That does make me seem quite clueless, doesn't it? Yeah.

But don't ask a man my age where he is. That's cruel. Although, Al, it's very glamorous 1970s tennis player, not knowing what... They always used to say that, didn't they? Because, of course, they didn't have the Google or the smartphones in those days. Well, it was a club called 229, it turned out,

which is the boss I used to get to Albury when I was a kid, but we won't go into that. Okay. And it was one of those, the band was in there and there was food around and there was no cutlery for the food, so I wanted a crisp sandwich, but there's no knives to spread the margarine so I found a spoon a big spoon and I spread the butter on with the spoon which made it more copious and then I had I actually had two full-on crisp sandwiches before we went on stage

pardon right before going on yeah I had to put them in a bowl as well because there was no plate can I just interject Al it's not the timing that I object to here I mean it's quite it's quite a strange choice

was anyone looking at you when you did this? there wasn't an array it was mainly drinks drinks It wasn't an array. There wasn't Shepherd's Pie. It was mainly drinks, you know. Drinks, like, you know, like drinks what men drink, you know, alcohol. And I couldn't have any of that. And so I had two, Chris. I had one and it was so, you know, you have one and it's so good.

And then you have another one and it's still really good. Do you remember those gold bars, those chocolate things, gold bars? Oh, yeah. And you'd have one and it's still really good remember those gold bars those chocolate things gold bars oh yeah you'd have one i think that was brilliant i have the halfway through the next one you'd be sick but it wasn't like that with the crisps aren't we so we went on and jeff hurst introduced us sir jeff hurst and then he came we were doing the song the crowd were absolutely rocking they had shirts on um flags and all that and i looked in the wings and there was jeff first like sort of you know slightly bopping so i called him on stage and he danced with us i saw a clip of this he was a sort of uh uh best figure in your yeah

you asked yeah but it was that now when i look I look back on the Euros, that, I think, is the moment. That and Harry Maguire's penalty going into the top corner with such force that it was like a cartoon penalty. But that dancing with Jeff Hurst on stage was pretty... And I got to totally grill a man from Camelot. More news later. It wasn't one of the nights. Don't get panicky.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Yeah, so this gig that we did with the Lightning Seeds was sponsored by Camelot. And so I got to meet one of the the big camelot boss guys I got to ask him all my camelot questions why are there never any reruns the lottery show yeah never see on day if you know they've just got the the old lottery show question yeah and how often you get sorry to interrupt but can you imagine

how often you know how breakfast TV gets sorry to interrupt but can you imagine how often you know how breakfast TV presenters always go oh what time do you have to get up then what time do you go to bed imagine how often he gets people making jokes about oh what are next week's numbers oh yeah I didn't do that obviously I was worried you had a modern life

no I hadn't I asked him we talked about the whole I'll tell you what I did I forgot to mention the top hat stipulation that I came up with. In case you're a new reader, my theory is because like rich people, like, you know, celebrity people, rich people, you know, like Duncan Valentine, people like that, you recognize them, you know they've got money.

Whereas you can choose to go a bit anonymous if you're a lottery winner, which seems wrong to me. I think you should have to wear a top hat for the rest of your life in order to get the money. And then people know what they're dealing with. I'd forgotten that you'd put that forward. Yeah, but I forgot to mention it to him. Otherwise that could have been canon law by now.

Yeah. But we talked about the rollover phenomenon and i wanted to check that the idea that if there's a rollover week about four times more people buy lottery tickets i've that's always been one of my great insights into human nature that people think i couldn't be bothered to get one to win five million but if it's 17 million yeah i'll go down to the paper shop and i was checking that it's absolutely true the numbers zoom up so it's an interesting insight into the and he had a hat with like balls going up in the air on little jets of thing which i like it when people yeah it's like a little corporate there and his car outside

and got the same thing on the top of the on the roof thing like that yeah real company man yeah i loved him uh for that i'll tell you something i discovered by the way on the neil diamond front did you know that neil diamond wrote red red. Oh, I knew it was a cover, but I did not. I did not. I did not know that. See, when I first heard it, it was like a reggae number that people used to play at school. You'd be 40. You know, things like

there used to be some skinhead girls in our class who played reggae stuff in break time. You know, girls that wore monkey boots. Remember monkey boots? And I thought it was from that, but Neil Diamond stuff in break time you know girls that wore monkey boots remember monkey boots and um i thought it was from that but neil diamond right i mean respect um red red wine i don't know if you've ever had red red wine it's much redder than red wine noticeably redder and what i would what would make me happiest you know did we talk about

most embarrassing I can't remember if we talked about this or not most embarrassing rewrites of lyrics for adverts oh did we oh well yes because I think I pointed out to you my worst

which is everybody yeah chicken satay. Oh, yes, yes. And mine was those crackers that were crumb-believable. But I wondered, I would love, I would love it if Neil Diamond bought that Red, Red It for Reddit.

That wouldn't happen. Just to hear him doing that with the proper voice and everything. Read, read it. Helps me to express myself. Anyway, go on. I'm just going to say, I'm quite surprised. I wouldn't have pictured the punks going into the off-licence saying, Do you have any Merlot, please?

Red wine? I can't really remember what Ponks drank. Probably some bodily fluid thing. Big spit, big spitters. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

Text the show on 81215 Many of you have, we'll be talking about that in a second Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio Email the show via the Absolute Radio website I went a bit blah blah blah towards the end I went a bit Melvin Bragg We were discussing

what should we do with a drunken sailor off air during the break. And Frank and I both discovered we sing the lyric, Frank? What should we do with a drunken sailor? Early in the morning. And early, the use of early

has always slightly irritated me. That we all just accept. We just adopt the pirate vernacular. We don't for any other parts of the song. I don't know if they're pirates, are they? I think they're just seafarers. Oh, OK. Fair enough. I like Earl Eye in the Morning.

You put them on the wrong side of the law there. I think Earl Eye in the Morning is what we should use as sort of the bill matter for this show, the Frank Skinner show, open brackets Earl Eye in the morning is what we should use as sort of the bill matter for this show, the Frank Skinner show, open brackets, Erlie in the morning. I can imagine if I just started incorporating Erlie into my everyday lexicon. Okay, well, I'm going to get the Erlie, so... And people said, oh, why are you using... Yeah, phoning up and saying, sorry, I'm a bit Erlie, but...

You're a bit what? I'm a bit early. Yeah. Bring back early, I say. I think, yeah, early in the morning, it's good. You're not okay. Can I just say while we're on it, that when I was at school, which is obviously before

you guys, but we used to have, the teacher would put the radio on. There was a radio show that we used to listen to. So I don't know if there was any, I don't know if recording was a possible thing when I was at school. And I think, didn't Hitler develop the tape recorder? Didn't he put a lot of money into it?

Anyway, I don't want to hold that against the tape recorder. But there used to be a programme, and it used to be English folk songs, and we would all sing along to them, the kids. So we would all, you know, Oh, brother James, have you heard the decree? Lily, bolero, bull and a lie. It was all that stuff.

And we sat in a West Midlands school and sang these old traditional... I'd forgotten about that completely. Is there anyone out there who's old enough to remember? Did you sing English traditional folk songs at school? The radio as well. It was like just a piece of wood with like a hole in the middle with like a speaker gauze,

whatever the stuff... What's the stuff that causes... I'm calling it a speaker gauze as if that's absolutely the term for it. The stuff on the front of a speaker that lets the sound out. I call them the sort of the abdication radio. Yes, exactly. It's one of those. One of those. Or, you know, I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor

and he recorded the whole thing with his crazy new tape recorder technology. Yeah, but we... So I actually accidentally, I know, lyrics to a lot of early English folk songs. Erlie, Erlie English. Erlie, sorry, Erlie. Oh, man, have I let myself down.

You've got the pirate community down. Sorry, they're not pirates. They're not pirates. They're seafarers. We've established that. There might be some pirates, you know, ex-pirates, reformed. They just, you don't get pirates. They don't get up at night in the morning.

They're like a lion. I'm imagining them with the hook hanging out of bed and people getting up for a wee and getting the clouds caught on somebody's hook. Oh, nightmare. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I always think that we should reward the readers when they give us good information, if it's interesting,

about stuff we've been talking about. We always say radio, funny or interesting, not necessarily in that order. Most radio neither. That's what I always say. We were discussing the song Red Red Wine a little while ago and you brought up the fact that Neil Diamond wrote it. Don't tell me that was wrong.

No, it's true, I believe. But 599 has texted, Tony Tribe released the Scar version of Red Red Wine in 1969. OK. Is this some Mark Lamar radio show? See, that's in 69. That's exactly my school. Oh, dear.

Sitting, talking to, you know, the girls in their monkey boots. Exactly 69. And they loved that sort of... I'm trying to think of some other ones that they played because a lot of it was quite rude. It was rude. So you can't do it on air. But, yeah.

And we've also heard from 047 who says, Hey guys, I know that Neil Diamond wrote Red Red Wine. He announced it as his reason for not singing Love on the Rocks. To say it was a huge disappointment is an understatement. Hearing ND sing Love on the Rocks live was on my bucket list. I don't bother with the rest. He ruined everything. But I don't understand why he'd say,

I can't sing Love on the Rocks tonight because I wrote Red Red Wine. Oh, fair enough. What does that mean? That's like when I went to see live wrestling and they said Klondike Jake can't be here tonight

because he's in Glasgow that's not a reason is it surely you could do Love on the Rocks and Red Red Wine was he worried that people might think he was suggesting

it was okay to have ice cubes in your wine? I mean, he overthinks. I've always said he overthinks stuff, Neil. Do you know it's my big issue with him? Big fan of his, but he's an overthinker. He's an overthinker. I met him once, you know.

I met him in the make-up room at the Des O'Connor show. Of course he did. It's a 1980s anecdote. Yeah. No, it's 90s. It's 90s, I think. I know, but it sounds very 80s. It's very friendly.

Little did we know we'd be arch rivals in the future. Who could have possibly predicted that? In fact, I think Russell Grant was on the same show and not a peep from him about it. I mean, that, you'd think, would have been a glaring thing in his crystal ball. What are we calling this sort of when songs, I don't want to use the word sell-out,

but lend themselves to ads? We have some examples from our readers. OK. When money kills music, we'll call it. Lovely. So you were talking about when people allow their songs to be used for adverts and thus forever destroyed. Yeah.

Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars. Oh, yes. Oh, shut up, are you Facebook? Joe Dolce. Oh, shut up, are you Facebook? That's made up, isn't it? That didn't happen. The great thing about that is it would be

Facebook who were disgraced and not the song. Well, this is people's ideas for their fantasy. Oh, they're making it up. No, I don't think he's trying to fool us. No, I was trying to think of actual examples. When you've heard a song and thought, oh, I wish they hadn't done that.

He's suggesting shut off your Facebook. That would have to be, as you say... Can you imagine Mark Zuckerberg saying, look, I was in the car this morning and this song came on and I thought, this is it, this is exactly... I've met Mark Zuckerberg in the 1920s, the theatrical promoter in a black and white film.

But, you know, it's an American accent. You know, I only really do one and that's Wild West old timer. But I can't have Mark Zuckerberg saying, see you guys. You know what Facebook needs, Sheriff? I mean, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. I'll tell you what I'm really not liking on the telly at the moment, by the way, is they've taken the go-compare, man.

Oh, yeah. They've tried to make him a sort of three-dimensional character. So you get the bloat that plays him talking about his actual singing career. And there's even a split screen where he talks to the man in the big pointy moustache who sings Go Compare! And they talk about it and they sing Go Compare with a different melody.

Yeah, I don't like that. I'm glad you've brought this up. They're trying to make it poignant. I mean, it's Go Compare. It's a bloat with the moustache going Go Compare. Yeah, I don't like that. I'm glad you've brought this up. They're trying to make it poignant. I mean, it's Go Compare. It's a bloke with a moustache going, Go Compare, that's what it is. I don't want to know his backstory.

What's this method, Go Compare, acting? I'm sure I once did a corporate event where that guy came up and asked if he could get up and sing. Shut up. And then did his Go Compare song. Well, there you go. He gave them what they want. I know that's frowned on nowadays, but he wasn't paid. He just did it.

Of course he wasn't paid. Wow. He wasn't paid. Perhaps he was just carrying out some sort of comparison with another. I love that you know you met a Go Compare man the early years. I've worked with him all. I think we've all worked with him. I think we were at a Sony Award radio thing

where he was presenting an award and Chris Evans got him to sing Go Compare. In a slightly, obviously, slightly school-bullying way. Right. But now, oh yes slightly school-bullying way. Right. But now, oh, yes, I'm also a singer. You know what? In adverts, we can have other adverts where people are saying, yeah, this is not all I do.

I know that. But, you know, the fourth war, mate. Yeah. Shut up about who you actually are. You're the Galka Pair bloke. Galka Pair. That's you. We're going to get adverts about the meerkat's original career.

We're going to get the meerkat sitting around in like a green room. In a smoking jacket. Saying, yeah, you know, when I was back on the tundra, I used to, Who cares about it? Not in a velvet jacket, in a T-shirt and tracksuit. It's a world of adverts. We accept that you're playing a role. What you don't understand is we don't care what's behind it.

We don't need your textured, complicated backstory. And talking to yourself as the Go Compares man, I mean, it's getting like Hitchcockian. Do the Mike Baldwin, Johnny Briggs played him in Coronation Street, and as he once advised my mother about acting,

you turn up, you say your lines, you get paid, you go home. Yeah, but in advert, surely even more so. Yeah. I mean, you go home. Yeah. Thank you. But in advert, surely even more so. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. May I share with you the thoughts of Ian Stewart Dootson, one of our regulars?

Morning, Frank. Divine Miss Emmer now. Is Earl Eye what you get if you mention Martin Bashir to Charles Spencer? Praise reluctantly redacted, including love the show and keep up the good work. Oh, that's good, including Love the Show and Keep Up the Good Work. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Come on, that's good.

That's excellent. Don't give me that little lie. Oh, you really get it. Do people still do the glad eye? You used to say, I think that woman just gave me the glad eye. I think that's kind of God.

It's the idea that there was some frisson between you. Oh, man. And the dead eye was if someone gave you the real, you know, the coal, glassy. You don't want to get that off anyone. You don't want to get the dead eye from anyone.

But the earl eye, I could really get that. The earl eye, I'd very much like to get that from Spencer. Oh, go come back. And then there was the time when I first began singing. Yeah, get out! Frank, may we return to some of our previous correspondence? Oh, yes. I always I think if when people write

about previous shows it always gives the whole thing a sort of organic unity. I agree wholeheartedly. We've had some correspondence haven't we Al? We are. We've had Carl

got in touch do you remember we were both discussing the younger slash junior construct? Oh yes Sammy Davis Junior, Harry Connie Junior was it? Yeah we were talking about

the rare occasions when you know the senior is like George Bush and all the various Harry connotation juniors around it. As opposed to the third or the second. Yeah, exactly. Well, this is what we're saying, because they don't have titles, bless them, the Americans.

Well, Leon Wainwright III is a singer I've always liked. His son is Rufus Wainwright. He's completely eschewed the third, the junior he'd be the fourth presumably and he didn't want any of it. Well would he though? If his name's Rufus rather than Loudon. Oh I see.

Yes that's a very good point. The third. I mean can you imagine if you were a descendant of one of those old families like the Duke of Norfolk? The Third? Ha ha! That's what they'd probably say to them. But I like, you get names like Molly Connell, Mummies by the Third and stuff like that. So we have, Carl has been in touch. Further to the conflab in last week's show around the topic of junior or younger, I happened across a great example.

last week's show around the topic of junior or younger i happened across a great example the legend that is sir michael cain was actually christened morris joseph micklewhite junior a fine example i'm sure you'll agree so they don't put the junior on your birth certificate do they there's a question at 12 15 how do you like them apples? Rich Morgan, footballer Emlyn Hughes, was married to Barbara and had a son and a daughter, both named after him, Emlyn Junior and Emma Lynn. Ah, that's good, isn't it? It used to be a thing. I like that because it's uncreative in that it's the same name,

but it's also creative in that they've made up like a same-name version, Emma Lynn. Yeah, and if he'd have married a native American woman, he could have used his crazy horse nickname that he was known as. Endless possibilities for Emily. He always spoke highly of me. In fact, he always spoke highly. Okay, lovely.

Great player, though. He was great. I believe he was on one of my favourite shows in the 70s and 80s, The Superstars. Was he on that? I think of him on Question of Sport. He was, but I'm sure he was on it. No, you know who I'm getting,

I might be getting confused because my favourites on that were Brian Jacks. Oh, yes. Do you know Brian Jacks. Oh, yes. Do you know Brian Jacks? Thanks for the tip. And Lynn Davis, maybe. Lynn Davis, the Welsh long jump. Lynn the Leap, as he was known.

Huge fan of Lynn's work. Oh, man. Lynn the Leap. What a fantastic nickname that was. Happy. So have we heard from the outside world? Oh, in various times. Six through eight has

sent a message that I think gives you the benefit of the doubt. Hi Frank, I think you can be forgiven for not knowing Neil Diamond was Jewish as he used to have a Christmas special every year. Oh, well, you know, but I think that's all right. No, I didn't know,

but that is very up on those things. And 8, sorry, 677, we were talking about songs that get used in adverts in a kind of a ruining the brand way. Oh, hang on, my screen

appeared that. Oh, some technical difficulties with our man Do you want to take over? Only Al sorts that out. It's like a tag team. Oh, he's back. Do you want to take over? Only Al sorts that out. What about this? What about this? Like a tag team.

Oh, no, Al's back. Oh, he's back. Oh, do you know, that was so exciting. It was like election night. Quite trepidatious at this end. Dear Frank and team, I recall that Sting was livid and initiated legal action against a deodorant ad

that used don't stand so close to me back in the 80s. Oh, was he livid? I like Sting was livid. Sting is absolutely livid. He's probably waiting for someone to use oat cakes, oat cakes, he used that one. No one every day phones his agent, look, Paul, is there any offers on the oat cakes for advert?

Paul, nothing from Kipling. Have you tried Kipling? No, you'd think that. I mean, that would have been snapped. I don't know who makes oat cakes, but there must be people who do it. Oh, yeah, there must. Nothing from any caterers.

I can't believe it, man. Ian Angle, a regular correspondent for the show, has asked the question, when events organisers are choosing between Frank and Alan to host, do they go on comparethecompare.com? I suspect they probably do it on a fee-band thing, and I'm not sure we overlap. Don't you hate, well you know when they do,

there are things called public speakers websites which they put up and these have nothing to do with anyone and you suddenly find even minnows like me get mentioned on there and they've got a rate for me which I know nothing about. I don't about these people yeah you have it as well Frank we all have anyone everyone has it I can hear people saying this to their friends to justify their cameo profile I didn't

know anything about it what does a video of you doing I don't know where they've got that from yeah surely the go Compare man is on Cameo. Oh, do you think he is? I'm going to find out. Probably like for celebratory things in his Go Compare evening suit and sticky thing. And then for things like maybe funerals and does it as himself and sings Ave Maria. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow morning? Yeah.

Her lie in the morning. You know, fingers crossed. Her lie in the morning. And you saw I put myself on Cameo advertising my services. To sing a version of, it said, Frank Skinner sidekick singing her version of football's coming home would you call me

and say I think I don't think you should do this I don't think you should be using your dog in that sort of

spit the dog way and they've put that actual spitting sound on him I think you've gone you've gone too

look I don't know we've all got to we've all got to live we don't all get free shepherd's pie it's true I don't knock. We've all got to live. We don't all get free shepherd's pie. It's true. I don't knock anyone from making a living. Okay.

I do, actually. I do sometimes. But mainly off air, I do it. I think that's my point. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215.

We love that. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. We love that. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Please, can I talk to you both about Richard Branson and Elon Musk.

Oh, yes, the picture. That picture. That dress. It's very that dress. Yeah. I mean, we should say, for anyone who wasn't at work, Richard Branson had, he had a huge week. Oh, well, he's been into space.

He went to space. He sounded like one of his neighbours. He's been into space. He went to space. You sounded like one of his neighbours. He's been into space. Or has he? We'll come to that. We'll come to that. But he's been up on one of his little spaceships. I'm imagining it's a small, it's like a Fiat 125 with a bobble on the top

and you can just see him sitting in it like when you get an alien in a cartoon. It's just that Richard Branson in his jeans. Sitting there. What, it was 53 miles, Frank, was it? Above Earth he went. Quite high, to be fair. Well, exactly. What do planes go?

Maybe seven if they're lucky. Five? Is that right? I only really know it. They only ever say it in, is it, me? Well, I'm working at 36,000 feet, isn't it? They always say they're cruising at an altitude. It's about five to seven feet.

When I was on Concorde. Oh, here we go. Michael Winter. The sky looked a bit different. It looked a bit spacey. This was before spacey was cancelled, obviously. But it looked a bit... It had sort of dark, dark edges to the sky.

And I wonder if that was because we were higher than your average airplane. That would be a good slogan, higher than your average plane. Yeah. Yogi Bear might see you there. It's feet, incredibly, it's feet, isn't it, they mention. 35,000, that's how we're cruising at. 35,000 feet. Who would have thought? At school, my kid, I heard this on homeschooling,

they said if you're going to measure between Paris and Berlin, would you measure it in inches or kilometres? And the idea is obviously they use big units, whereas you get on a plane, 35,000 feet. It's like footballers, how much a week rather than how much a year. Yeah. Anyway, that's that. Al approves of the big units, don't you?

I do. Al is a big unit. Oh, there you go. Not unit, unit. Oh. All right, Al, calm down. I'm not actually either, but we'll go with it okay okay so so according to nasa i think that is just about high enough he's just made it over the line

not according to that term yeah not according to jeff bezos now jeff bezos the amazon creature no yeah so he's i just need to get all these people. Obviously, Richard Branson, he's virgin and stuff, and he's a billionaire. Yeah. And Jeff Bezos. Why is he saying it like that? It's a name I hear, but I don't really know what he does.

He's Mr. Amazon, is he? Oh. I think the more surprising thing is that you're surprised that Frank says Jeff Bezos. What does everyone else say? I'm so unsurprised by that. What does everyone else say? It's so unpredictable.

I mean, Jeff Bezos is getting involved in Star Wars. What's he called? Bezos. Bezos. Let me tell you about, I had a pronunciation, I was picked up on a pronunciation this week by the popular comedian Michael McIntyre. And I think I won, but we'll come to that. There's your cliffhanger. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, meanwhile, over in space... Yes, so there's a thing. There's a thing that's a bit further on than Richard Branson went. The Karman line. I said it like I know it. I've only heard of it this week. Do you think Elon Musk would have been to the Carmen line?

Yeah. I'd have thought that would be the name of his little retreat in Suffolk. He doesn't have a little anything, okay? Well, we don't know that. Oh, thank. Didn't know you knew him so well. We've got... Can I say, if I't know that. Oh, thank. Didn't know you knew him so well. We've got... Can I say, if I did know Elon Musk...

I don't think you'd be friends with him. This is one for our older readers, but his deputy dog used to be a very popular thing. And at the beginning, he was chasing a character called Musky, and he said, Just a dog, oh, minute there, Musky. And I just wouldn't be able to resist saying that to Elon Musk all the time.

I'd come over and I just came over, oh, Elon, just a doggone minute there. Like Elton John told me that he went to Brian Wilson's house and Brian Wilson said, I've only got, I know you guys like tea, I've only got, Tim, I know you guys like tea, I've only got coffee, hope you don't mind,

hope you don't mind, hope you don't mind. And then he'd say, can we go into the lounge? Because I can't really use that room because the, hope you don't mind, hope you don't,

I just kept doing it. That's like. I love Brian Wilson. That's like when you had the. That's funny. Well, no, but Al, when Frank had dinner with Eric Clapton. Oh, yes.

And he kept saying, la, la, la. Oh, that was awkward had dinner with Eric Clapton, and he kept saying... Yeah, that was a bit awkward, mate. I went to the toilet, and obviously I dropped my guard in the toilet, and I was... As you can imagine, as I walked back, I was just going... And he said, don't do that. Anyway, nice bloke. So we should explain why the Elon Musk and Richard Branson photo exists

Because before Branson was going to fly into space He got a picture of himself taken with Elon Musk Who I believe is in Branson's kitchen at 3.30 in the morning with his shoes and socks off. Is any of that normal in your guy's life? Are you saying there's no heel on Elon? I just find it a very weird thing that Branson's got a big flight the next day and he comes downstairs and Elon musks in his kitchen with his juvenile dog.

Is he still on? Does he do this regularly? I don't want to come down to my kitchen and find Musk padding around barefoot. If Kath, my partner, came downstairs at 3 o'clock in the morning and I was with someone barefoot

in the kitchen, they just dropped in would not work as an excuse. Unless it was Easter time, maybe. Perhaps they were treading some grapes in Richard Branson's garage. Well, there was a lot of shade thrown as well. Of course, Elon doesn't leave much of a footprint. Oh, very good. We need to talk about the kitchen cabinets.

Well, this, incredibly, a man flies into space and the big story of the week is his kitchen cabinets and the shortfall of a billionaire's kitchen. We'll come to that after this. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. short fall of a billionaire's kitchen yeah we'll come to that after this frank skimmer absolute radio i was telling you about um i um referred to uh kovid and michael mcintyre said to me do you say coffee and i said yeah what do you say? He said, I think everyone else says COVID on the planet. I said, yeah, okay. And he said, do you actually know what it means?

I said, I don't know what it is. He said, no, but do you know what it's, where the word comes from? Which I didn't. Do you know this? Al Will, he's a smart cookie on these matters. I think I've been told, but I It comes from, it's an abbreviation of coronavirus disease. Oh yeah, that's it, yeah. Covid. Yes. And I said, but you don't say coronavirus,

you say coronavirus. And he said, oh my god. You're right, you're right, he said and that was the end of that so you know

be careful with you Jeff Bezos he laughs last laughs longest apparently Jeff Bezos okay so we have

we should say we were let's cut back to Richard Branson okay Elon Musk barefooted Musk hmm Let's cut back to Richard Branson. Okay. Elon Musk, barefooted Musk,

creeping around Branson's floor tiles, which were lino. This is the point. What happened, the reason Branson went viral, it turned out, was not because he flew into space on his little spaceship. No, that's not enough these days. It was because his kitchen was horrible. OK? I think the modern phrase is something like

hashtag house embarrassment. Oh, house embarrassment. It was just... It wasn't what I expected. There was a great... There used to be... There's still, in in fact a shop in Birmingham called World of Pine. And I am a big fan of the world of shops, the world of leather.

But World of Pine. Oh, you're a big fan of World of Leather. World of Pine, great. Oh, he loves that. At great prices. But you wouldn't think that would bother, you know, someone like Branson. He looks like he's gone to WOP and picked up his kitchen suite.

I mean, I haven't seen anything like that for some years. The last time I saw a kitchen like that, I think, was in the programme Family Ties with Michael J. Fox, which was in the 90s. And the floor, Frank, was primary school dining hall floor. It was that blue-brown lino. What's going on? I love... I've got a theory.

Go on. I think a lot of people are being very sniffy, particularly about the kitchen cupboards, but they don't realise that the doors actually open by sliding like the virgin train toilet doors i think that's the thing oh that could be well i've always said one of my the sounds that reminds me of my childhood is dogs toenails on linoleum it's a lovely sound and by the way at 8 12 15 if you know any other world of shops i'd like to you i would you

cannot we're not including derrick accor's world of spirits because that's not actually a shop if you were if you if you were a spiritualist what would your consulting rooms be called oh i'm thinking friends in high places. What do you think? I mean, I don't know if Derek had consulting. He's no longer with us. He's passed over to the other side.

God bless him, but I should think at least he's amongst friends. Did you notice there was a World's Best Billionaire mug on the kitchen side? I was wondering if Geoff arrived with it. Not Geoff, was it Elon? Elon arrived, or whether it's Richard's own thing. I wish he'd had things like that. I have noticed, though, is'm i'm not a social media person but um people on radio i what i love about radio is it's a non-visual medium but everyone

on radio wants it to be one so they're always doing videos and photos to put on so whenever i'm on it there's always comments from people saying, oh, what's that picture on your wall? That's all people just study the background. It's Doctor Who fans for you, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. Toys. That's it, yeah, you've got the Master's TARDIS, et cetera.

Whereas I'm going to go back to, I think, the smoky paper background that used to get in high street photographers. Oh! Just then you... The school photo. That will, though. I call it very graduation, clutching your degree as well.

That'll stomp them. Who was the politician that it turned out had two kitchens? Was it... It was Ed Miliband, wasn't it? Was it Ed Miliband, wasn't it? It was Ed Miliband, wasn't it? Yes, I believe it was. Is there a possibility that Richard Branson has a food prep kitchen and a photo opportunity kitchen

and Elon Musk just mixed them up by going in the wrong one? I'll tell you what I'm thinking. And that's actually the one where they make butties and shepherd's pies and stuff. Well, of course, at the Palace of Versailles, if I remember rightly, Marie Antoinette... Who's there? Well, no, but clearly I was there. She had a dairy built.

Frank was outside, wasn't he? And so Marie Antoinette, when she got fed up of being a super-rich queen, would go and play at being a dairy maid and put on a sort of a slightly fancier version. I believe the bockets that she used was Capé de Monte. I love that. But anyway, so she would pretend. She enjoyed pretending to be a milkmaid.

So maybe Richard Branson likes pretending he lives in a 1980s Bovis home and he's got one that he goes and hangs out in. Well, I have the answer to this because Elon actually responded to one of the tweets. Did he? He did. He said... Does he live in an Elon-gated community? Very good.

He'd be a nice friend for you, Frank. No, I don't like men's feet really give me this. I don't know how women cope with men's feet. We don't. Elon actually responded to someone saying, you're a billionaire and you've got cupboards like that, throwing shade at Branson. Elon responded to one of these tweets and said,

it was Richard's rental house, which... Oh. Actually, let's do the accent. It was Richard's rental house, which overall is great. But I agree regarding the cabinets. Oh, OK. And then he said, ha-ha, full stop. Then he said, it was 3am the day of the flight.

I wasn't expecting this brutal pic of me to be posted, but oh well. Oh well sounds like... But you know what? I don't like the sound of that. I don't know about you, but if I was going to drop in at somewhere at 3 in the morning, I mean, even if they'd got like a meeting the next day or something, if they were flying to space, I might let them have a proper sleep. I mean, what a night to pick.

Hi, I just thought, well, it's three o'clock in the morning, Elon. Yeah, you know, are you busy tomorrow? Weirdest thing to do. Maybe just, maybe Richard couldn't sleep because he was pre-space. Elon is a creature of the night. Is he really? He's up all night. He's one of these, you know, it's like the Back to the Future.

Elon Doss, can I call him? Oh, come on. For goodness sake. We're talking about Musk, Bezos and Branson. I have to say Bezos, if you're going to call him that, he did a very good put down. You're going to call him that? He did a very good put down in the thing

because there's this thing, the Kármán line, which is a height that you get above the planet and that is... There's some dispute about when you're in space. That's it. And the Kármán line seems to be sort of definite. What do we think it is, Al? About 50-something miles, the Kármán?

Something like that. So 63? The Kármán's something like 56. Yeah, yeah. And Richard Branson went 53. I mean, imagine getting that close and then finding that but what what what bears us said was he said that the uh he said no we're going up to the carmen line when we do it he said i don't want any of my um astronauts with an asterisk next to their name so it says

astronaut asterisk and then you look it up and they've only gone as far as the other thing So it says astronaut asterisk, and then you look it up and they've only gone as far as the other thing. I mean, it's been a bit Tom Petty. But it's great, isn't it? The asterisk thing. It's like me being described as a singer. Asterisk. Just not quite authentic.

Frank, he also twisted the knife further, Bezos. Bezos, he likes to do that. I say, and your kitchen's rubbish. No, he didn't. No, he said something like, it only has airplane-sized windows. Oh, yeah. I mean, that... Oh, yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?

He's getting a bit childish now. I quite like that. Imagine getting up there and you can hardly see out the window and you're in space that would be a let down wouldn't it I'm imagining they're pine framed what if the spaceship is like the kitchen

and there's things like a like a mog tree and stuff like that world's best dad fridge magnet Branson anyway he went up didn't he fair play to him he went up and he did he and he did that thing about getting going on about the view of earth and how moved he was boys everyone ever goes into space um i say everyone i went to a talk by Helen Sharman, the British astronaut, and someone said, so when you see

Earth from space, that must be a very spiritual moment. And she said, yes, people who have spiritual moments are not that helpful in space. All right, Helen. We get the message, Helen. I like that. Can I say, by the way, because we're near the end of the show, that a great radio event is about to occur, and that is Alan Cochran's new Radio 4 show, Send Trish to Dad.

It's tomorrow, is it, Al? It is tomorrow, yes. Don't sound embarrassed about it. It's on the Sounds app for like a month or something. OK. That's Radio 4 tomorrow. Is it 7.15? Something like that, yeah.

Oh, my God, he's so sheepish about it, Al. Anyway, check it out, guys. Check it out. It's on Radio 4. You're so sheepish. Or as Paul Merson says, sheepless. Is that what he's saying?

Yeah, he likes it. He'll say what he's done. He's been taking that very sheeplessly. He's been very sheepless about that. I think he was talking about Gabriel Oak

in Far From the Madding Crow, to be fair. Well, I'm on... Good reference. What about this? I'm on stage on Wednesday. Shut up. Lincoln, I'm on... Good reference. What about this? I'm on stage on Wednesday. Shut up.

Lincoln, I'm actually back. I'm resuming the tour that ended February 2020. Guess who's back? Back again. Wearing the same shirt. It's all right. I had a sniff the other day.

It's all right. Can we buy tickets? Can I come? Can we still buy tickets? Oh, I think so. I think some tickets are available, yeah. I might come. Yeah, because I've got four.

I'm back, four gigs this week. And so where are you on Wednesday? I'm in Lincoln on Wednesday and then two shows at the Alexandria Theatre in Birmingham and then I shall be in Manchester on... Oh, I might come and see you. Do I have to cross the Carmen line where you can hang up

your washing on the Carmen line have you any everybody at home have you any dirty I said everybody any dirty washing are you going to ok don't bother thank you so much for listening to us this morning very lovely of you

and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.