The Frank Skinner Show - Emotional Owl

Episode Date: August 21, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank worried about something he wrote on his hand and Buzz has been to a joke shop. The team also discuss responses we’ve received from fan letters, corned beef keys and Grey the escaped parrot.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning all. Morning, I enjoyed that. Yeah, we just, for those of you on the Decade channels, on the main, the Absolute Radio channel, we just played the Fall song, Totally Wired,

which ends with him saying, I'm always worried about four times. It's such a great way to end a pop song. I'm always worried. I enjoyed My Heart and I Agree. My Heart and I Agree is from an old light operatic song, I think. Is it really? Yeah.

We are in love with you, my heart and I. I think it's that one. We're getting an awful lot of lookalikes sent in for Frank this morning. Lookalikes. It's always a great theme on radio shows, I think. I'm going to plough on with this. We've got Dan Walker for you. And someone says, when did Frank start to manage Benfica?

Oh, God. I'll have to check that one out. I can't call to mind immediately the manager of Benfica. Okay, I will be showing... Call yourself a football fan. I know. One thing I did get right, though, you know, and I don't normally do football predictions,

but you know when I said when I was going to the England games that that would be the Delta Variants Cheltenham Gold Cup? Oh, yes. And now yesterday, it was officially a danger to public health euro 2020 i felt so proud you heard it here first well done i just remember there was like a sort of a simulated mexican wave of uh nhs pings going around. All round beautiful, like a harpsichord. Lovely. Anyway, that's football.

Today's big football question. In women's football, do you miss a penalty or do you have to miss a penalty? Lovely. I think it would be good to establish that now, in case I get it wrong. There's a fellow Merlin fan. I just...

Ho, ho! This is a surprise bit of the Vine Diagram I ended up in, actually. Yeah, Al started watching it with his kids and they loved it. I finished it. Here you go, Al got drawn in. What did you think about... I don't want to get al got drawn in what did you think about i don't want to get any spoilers but what did you think about the actual merlin makeup in the last step when he sort of went i thought he went sword in the stone merlin suddenly i don't i don't remember

it being like jarring why was there is it because he's been a young forum it's been a young handsome guy and then suddenly becomes a sword in the stone Merlin. You know, sword in the stone Merlin. Yeah, I know that Merlin. White beard, pinty hat, that one. Well, Cindy Bryden says, I just finished watching all five episodes of Merlin on Netflix. Serious, Julie.

Serious. Well, when she said that, I mean, forgive me for assuming there were only five episodes, but I'll continue. If there'd only been five episodes, I don't know what I would have done with myself. Which took me about a week. Wow.

I never understood how people could binge watch for hours. Is she under house arrest? I never understood how people could binge watch for hours until Merlin came along. Oh, this makes me so happy. All I can say is that the show is, and she's gone caps here, the show is epic. Amazing acting, amazing story, and thirdly,

and I like to think most importantly, amazing scenery. Wow. When you said block capitals i thought she was going to say magic and that would spoil the whole thing but she didn't she retained her dignity and i respect her for that very typical of the people i think who contact this show smart i mean she retained her dignity by watching all five series of merlin in a week. You said to me recently. Emily said to me, Al. Emily said to me, do you know what? I'm starting to see what you mean

about American box sets and stuff. And I thought, you know what? It's been a long haul. But I think we're getting there. Let's watch some British box sets. That's what I'm suggesting. I know, but don't see that as a gateway drug

to Sylvester McCoy. Well, I don't need one of those. I'm already in the clinic, I'm afraid. Sylvester McCoy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I tell you what happens is I turn Al up on the desk and then every time I do it, the producer moves across and turns it down just a tiny little bit.

In case I speak. Yeah, and I said, why don't you put a bit of tape across the top, then you wouldn't have to do that. So one week it happened, it hasn't happened since, and I've realised that she needs that. It's a sense of control okay listen gary aspley has been in touch frank and i think he sounds like a nice friend for

you okay because you know i don't do friends well i know but i'm here to change that because gary aspley al starts with uh big up british box sets okay that's a goods with big up British box sets. OK, that's a good start. Big up British box sets. Just started Peaky Blinders. You know what? I haven't. And then he said, coming from the Midlands.

Have you watched, Frank? Sorry if you've already discussed previously. Now, everything about that makes me think he'd be a good friend for you. He's from the Midlands. He likes British box sets. I had a lot more friends when I lived in the Midlands, certainly. Well, be a good friend for you he's from the midlands he likes british box set i had a lot more friends when i lived in the midlands certainly well that's the pub for you i just think you know people birds of a feather i'm not suggesting that as a box set by the way and i like that he says sorry if you've already discussed previously no well you know what i have never got into peaky blinders because i'm not um i i don't

cope very well nowadays with ultra violence oh right well i'll be all right um yeah i'm fine i remember started watching something on sky and in the first two minutes a man was eaten by a polar bear and i thought you know i i can't i just can't do this anymore. Where's me Merlin? Well, they do have a body count, presumably, but they die by sort of glitter and things, don't they? Well, there's not many deaths in there, to be honest. I think it's a show that is about life. But, yeah, I can't cope with people getting razors out and stuff. It's a show that is about life. Yeah.

But, yeah, I can't cope with people getting, like, you know, razors out and stuff. There's enough of that in my domestic world. Anyway. In real life, I cut my finger on a tin of corned beef the other day. Very gruesome. It's a fabulously working-class injury. Isn't it?

On a tin of corned beef. You were doing national service at the moment no how's the powdered egg ration getting along it was one of those highly relatable moments

for Emily where the corned beef tin didn't have the little key on it and so I was trying to open it shut up I had

you told us you'd never eaten corned beef no I've seen I have seen it being eaten on TV it's really worth a try be careful on the tins but was it one that needed a key

and hadn't got a key I was trying to do the other way where you just open it like a tin and then wouldn't that be the most disappointing thing if you found a key or something and you thought oh what does this open what what does this lead to what a magical portal yeah and then you found out it was an old corn beef i think it happens in that children's classic the lion the witch and the corn beef yeah um yeah it's a fabulous ending.

They slightly give it away with the title, but nevertheless. They all have a sandwich with pickle. I might do that in my will, is leave a key to someone and it becomes their whole life, the quest. It's a great story. What does it open? And it's a corned beef. I mean, how depressing would that be?

Well, it depends on their partiality. Yeah. Can I tell you that I was determined to check... Oh, hold on there. I've been stopped mid-flop. I can't work like this. On Absolute Radio. I wanted to make sure, I wasn't completely convinced,

as it starts to get a little cold, a little darker in the mornings, that my underfloor heating was working in the kitchen. So it occurred to me last night, so I thought... The struggle is real. I thought, I'll write it on the back of my hand. That's what you have to do at my age to remember it. And it occurred to me that if Kath... I just wrote on the floor and I thought,

if Kath went missing and the police called me in and they saw that on my hand i mean the whole house would be it would be careful what you write on your hand that's the moral of this story throwback to the trevor jordash storyline oh yeah do you remember that oh god do i remember that yes i think for Brookside was a set in a Liverpool sitcom, not sitcom, a soap in which the beautiful Beth Jordache buried her

buried her dad under the patio. Yeah. We didn't know then. Spoiler for anyone that's taped it and we're serving anyone who's just

buying the box set on the stent of our buy British box sets slightly dodgy campaign you know what he's trying to do Al with the buy British

box sets oh yeah he's got some of those copies of Shane I don't think that ever made the box set level can's got some of those copies of Shane. I don't think that ever made the box set level. Can you get Shane on DVD? No.

No. You can't get it anywhere. It's been erased from it. It's a 1984 type. This is a sitcom I wrote some time ago which has become what I believe Orwell calls a non-person. Yeah.

I don't know if there's any non-sitcoms in 1984. I suspect there isn't. I read it fairly recently, and no, I don't think there are. But you're right, it has been memory-holed somewhat, hasn't it? I would have classed it as one of my favorite books until i read a a russian novel called we which um seemed to be very very very similar and then i thought give george benefit the doubt he probably never even heard of this and then when i looked at it we'd reviewed that book i think it's one of the

most it's literary literature's greatest I'm having that outrageous Sean Holly Lake Trucker has got in touch it's all right I thought about it as well but I think it's fine I think it's fine has got in touch to say in days gone by a wise person always saved a spare key for opening things like corn dog tins. Hashtag just saying. A corn dog

can I say is very different from corn beef. I don't understand what a corn dog is. Maybe the tin opening system is similar. Well no because I wouldn't think of a corn dog in a tin. A corn dog, it's like a hot dog, except it's completely enclosed. It's encased in bread.

You haven't got a slice and a sausage. It comes within. I remember I went... It's a sort of giant licorice torpedo. Well, hang on, what's... Yes, that is exactly what it's like for meat eaters. Oh, so hang on, hang on a minute. Does the bread form a sort of...

Is it meat within a sort of breadstick? Yes, it's bread armour. Really? Bread armour for a sausage. A capsule with a sausage in it. Yeah. Can you see the meat inside? Only when for a sausage. Like a capsule with a sausage in it. Yeah. Can you see the meat inside? Only when you bite in.

But you know what? I think you have to believe. Anyway, I went to see, I think it was the Quick and the Dead. Was that the Sharon Stone Western? Oh, yes. And I saw that it's a drive-in movie. And we had things like corn dogs and Hershey bars and all that stuff. Were you with an American?

I was with an American at the time. Oh. But the suspension seemed to handle it all right. Goodness me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You will recall last week I was talking about my new car, which I scratched day one. I think it was officially day two.

Day one, I suppose, was me driving it from the dealership. And then I wonder if gamblers talk about dealerships. Anyway so I scratched it, we'll call it day two I suppose. And I hadn't really checked it out but then my son, my nine-year-old son boss said that scratch is actually quite bad i said i don't think it's it's not that bad is he so i went out i looked at it and god man is it bad i mean it's it's so bad i think i must have looked at the wrong wing when i looked at it it was like a real ruin the car completely scratch can i ask some possibly economically motivated questions yes is the scratch going several panels of the vehicle or is it just like the door or no it's on the

front the front wing uh driver's side okay because if's wing and door, obviously that's two paintwork areas that you need replaced or fixed. But if it's just one, then you're probably... I mean, I'm guessing that you're not going to wash it and TP it yourself. You need somebody to... Sorry, is this an AA help line? What's happened?

Can I stop you before we get any more Brian Tilsley on this? Can I stop you before we get any more Brian Tilsley on this? After five minutes of me thinking, oh, I can't, this is so bad, I can't just ignore this, I'll have to get it done. It's embarrassing for a man of your means. Yeah.

But then Boz told me that actually it was a prank car scratch sticker. Oh, that's funny. Something to do with a Beano, I think, or something like that. I used to have one of those, and I think it was from the Beano. They're still doing it. Well, I meant the mistake of buying him 50 great pranks as well at some point. Oh, that's good. But anyway, I'll put a photo of it on Twitter. It totally fooled me.

And you know, the great thing about being pranked is when you realise you haven't got an enormous scratch on your car. It's such a gift. Yes. People used to ask me the time and I would always add 55 minutes or so and then tell them the real time. And I felt like I'd given them an extra 55 minutes on their life. Yeah.

Why? Because it was nice they were so happy when they realized it was a bit earlier is this like your april fools prank frank which uh regular readers will remember involved frank running upstairs and saying to his family help come on the toilet's broken yeah i think that was all right um i think one of those was my car's been stolen yes you did i don't do them anymore i let boss do the jokes no anyway he went to a joke shop um this week now i didn't think they still existed but he found one in in cheltenham i haven't seen his array of things yet, but I know he purchased some pranks. Can I ask something of a keen prankster myself at that age? You used to... I was often in the joke shop. I had quite a collection.

There aren't many about, no. I haven't seen one for years. No, when we went to the Edinburgh Festival, we had to stock up. There was a great joke shop in Edinburgh. No, when we went to the Edinburgh Festival, we had to stock up. There was a great joke shop in Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. May I tell you to avoid, if you're presented with a plate with cookies on it and one looks slightly rubbery in consistency, maybe avoid that one. Okay.

I did that once to one of my parents' friends and he went, Oh, my girl! I can imagine. And his tooth slightly fell out, I'm afraid. Well, I was thinking there must be some jokes. Like, he's got a hand buzzer, but how long before that's vetoed as a dangerous thing? It's a bit ECT, isn't it?

Well, it depends on who you're doing it to. Stink bomb, is that healthy? Well, I don't know. I let those's a bit ECT, isn't it? Well, it depends on who you're doing it to. Stink bomb, is that healthy? Well, I don't know. I let those off a lot. And actually, I think you're right. It depends on the person. It's all corned beef, I hate. For example.

Oh, please. I had whoopee cushion. That's fine. Had we had someone like you or Al over, fine. But I would put that under the gentleman who produced Nazis, A Warning from History. Okay. That's not the right person for the whoopee cushion.

It depends on the nature of the warning. Yeah. One thing that I cannot believe still exists, and this must be perhaps the greatest of the joke shop, the exploding cigar. That can no longer... Surely that wouldn't be allowed. If anyone can tell me

why I can't get a hold of an exploding cigar, I'd be very happy. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Can I tell you something that happened to moi? Please do. I was in a park playing football with... David Baddiel.

...family and friends. And... Are you good at football, Frank? No. OK. But there was lots of people who didn't really play... What was that? Alan said awkward.

I just said awkward. Yeah, it was. I mean, why bring that up? Anyway, I can still get some joy out of, you know, playing. I see it as the intentional flaw in the immaculate Persian rug. Oh, well, I found it was intentional. As you were. Nevertheless.

So a man approached me. He had a dog with him. I didn't recognise him at all. And I thought it might be, you know, all right. But he didn't look very football-y or whatever. And anyway, he said, hello, I'm Ned Bowman. Now, I don't know if you know Ned Bowman. He's a novelist.

And I read, I remember I'd read his first two novels, which was Boxer Beetle and the Teleportation Accident. Oh, there we go. And I wrote him a sort of fan email. Something I hadn't done, I mean, well, when I'd done it before, there wasn't an email. The last time I remember doing it was I went to see Nicholas Nickleby at the RSC. Eight and a half hours.

Oh, Roger Rees. And it's fantastic, though. It's a wonderful production. Roger Rees, as you say. And Threlfall, I think, or Smyke. David Threlfall. Anyway, I thought i won't write to them because they're too you know they're too big i'll write to uh david collins i think his

name was um because he'd been in uh doctor who and um and also he was quite close to us in the intermingling that happened at the beginning. So you remember him. He was in Robots of Death and Mordred on Dead. Do you remember those? Oh, that guy. Yeah. I know, but it's feeling very close to home, this. It's sort of actors in Nicholas Nickleby at the RSC

accepting parts in Doctor Who. Anyway, he didn't reply to my letter. I wrote him a lovely, long, long letter. All that red wine wasn't going to drink itself. He was busy. No, but and dear old Dennis Law

this week, it was announced that he's got dementia. He was a fantastic, fantastic player and I wrote a fan letter to him. At the same time I wrote to Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton and Dennis Law. And I got an autograph from Bobby Charlton, an autograph from Bobby Moore and from Dennis Law. I got a printed advert for Shredded Wheat

that had a sort of printed version of his autograph on it. And I felt it just wasn't the same. It weren't the same Mr. Holmes anyway I just Ned Bowman came over and said you wrote to me do you remember and I said yes of course

it was great we talked about novels and dogs and stuff and it was very exciting and I thought that could work it that could work as a texting couldn't it what's it what interesting responses of you had to fan letters I mean keep it clean remember that guy from what was it Beverly Hills 9010 I think I think I think a fan sent him a braziers the late Luke Yes, the late Luke Perry. And he married her.

He married her. He married her. Yeah. Legend. Coming up, maybe we could tease this from Pete in Bradford-on-Avon. Okay. Hi, Frank and crew. I went to Cardiff to watch Foles last week and stopped in a joke shop

to get my 10- old son some jokes okay well let's show it is that a cliffhanger yeah i love it this is frank skinner this is absolute radio this is frank skinner on i'm very written down on absolute Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, we left things. Do you remember Pete in Bradford-on-Avon? Oh, yes.

Yes, he took his son to a joke shop. Yeah. So where'd we got to, Al? He'd... He'd gone to Cardiff to watch foals, which is with a capital F indicating it's the band rather than just some young animal scampering. That'd be great. Would you respond, let me ask you this,

if you met a bloke in a bar and he said that he'd actually driven to Cardiff to watch some young horses in a field and he said that he'd actually driven to Cardiff to watch some young horses in a field and then driven back again. Would you think, what a lovely warm care in Bloke or would you think, I'm going to get away from this bloke as fast as I can?

Well firstly I would assume it was some sort of sweet little nickname they had for their local football team I went to watch Foles. But if he actually said it was horses... If he was watching horses in a field, I think that was very concerning. I think there must be nearer horses in the field to where you live.

Just get Wi-Fi and do it online. Oh, come on, that's not the same. Matt Davis, as he's pointed out, didn't the person visiting the Cardiff joke shop have enough horseplay at the Falls gig ah

oh you say that come on Matt Davis but what happened at the joke shop more importantly ok oh he tells us his order

go on Al you take you take this on go on no I I'm very happy to square it back to you in a one and two. Don't make me reach into the back seat and say,

will you two stop? Come on, will you two stop it? Oh, I always lost those battles. I know, it's time I moved on, though. Anyway, so we're in the joke shop in Cardiff watching the Fowls. I've looked up. In the field. Yeah.

And he's gone into the joke shop to get his ten-year-old son some jokes. The guy in the shop was amazing. It's all right, continues. And demonstrated loads of jokes and tricks. Demonstrations, Frank. Brilliant. Cool. I left with a bag full of whoopee cushions for that real Bronx cheer.

Mm-hmm. Electric shock pen. Oh. With a bag full of whoopee cushions for that real Bronx cheer. Electric shock pen. Oh, I'm not familiar with those, but I like the sound of that. That would be great. If I was a priest, I might have those for the signing of the register at weddings. Chili pepper sweets. Oh, yes, they were always popular. Water squirting Camera. Yes.

Disappearing Ink. And the Big SB. Oh, classic. Not... The Stink Bomb. Oh, I thought it was going to be an EC. The Exploding Cigar. If you're ever in Cardiff with Buzz,

it's right opposite the Castle Main entrance. I'll remember that. I love Cardiff. There you go. Although I miss the Doctor Who experience, I've got to tell you that. Somebody has sent you a link to somewhere that you can still buy. Cigar Bangers, they call them. And it's somewhere in Maidenhead, I think.

I can't really tell from the link because it looks all garbled like internet sort of addresses do. Okay. But I'll check you out. Might be handy for you after the show. There's a gig in Maidenhead as well, isn't there? No, I've played Maidenhead. You've got to put it in to justify going to the cigar shop.

I've played Maidenhead a few times, yeah. We've also had... Carl has got in touch to say, I sent... We were talking about fan letters people had written. I sent a very... And responses they had. I sent a very eloquent note to Nightmare.

That's with a... As in knights of Camelot, yeah. Yeah. Are you familiar with knight? Yeah. Who are they? I've forgotten the name of the TV show. Is it Gladiators?

No, it's... That would be a great Gladiators name. I think so, yeah. Who's your favourite gladiator? Oh, I like Nightmare with a KN. It's a very horse-themed... I sent a very eloquent note to Nightmare saying I could do the dungeon solo. So I'm assuming they're a band, these people.

Well, Al knows, don't you? No, it was like a sort of choose your own adventure TV show. But the name of the show has completely slipped my mind now. Okay. And now all I can think of is Nightmare as the possible name of the show.

And I'm afraid they sent a very polite letter back saying, absolutely not. OK. But he was seven, so he was chuffed to bits. So sometimes just any contact at all is better than none. Even the refusal will be treasured. Yeah, I think that. Because my mum wrote to West Brom when I was little,

asking if I could be a mascot and they wrote back. I've still got the letter. It's not one of those typed, but typed on the red ribbon instead of the blue ribbon on the typewriter. And it said we don't have mascots, but should we ever change our mind, we'll call you. It's one of those

things I'm still and have I had the call have I Buffalo John Hopkins one of our regulars Hopkins yes Hopkins yes goodbye Mr Chip John Hopkins has got in touch to say I wrote a letter to ex Olympian and world's strongest

man Jeff Capes in the mid 80s remember him Al I remember he featured on Badil and Newman or were they Newman and Badil they'll always be Badil and Newman to me they did that thing history today to old history

one says you know that Jeff Capes or you see that Jeff Capes he used to say and then the other I can't remember who says what says I am familiar with his work and he says that's your mum that is

he was on everything Jeff Capes with his work. And he says, that's your mum, that is. He was on everything, Jeff Capes. He was a real personality, as they used to call him. So he was in the strongman chair. Yeah, he was definitely in the strongman chair. A chair I'm very fond of, as you both know. Anyway, Brian Jacks, was he also... Not strongman, I think. He was judo, wasn't he, in Super also... Not strong-mannered, I think.

He was judo, wasn't he, in Superstars? Yeah, I know, but he was one of the superstars. He was, yeah. I pictured, you know when you... When you picture someone who you know, either personally, I always picture them in a certain situation. How do you see Jeff? Jeff always...

The original GC. Always carrying a fridge. Oh, yeah. Because I think that was when they had the sort of low rent, almost it's a knockout, Britain's Strongest Man TV show, before it went a bit more rock and roll. I think that was one of the things they had to do,

was carry a fridge. And it was a very cheap show. I think the plug was still on it and the lead there's a bit of water a bit of water coming out the bottom that's not like when i i appreciate i do go on about this a lot but indulge me when i flew out to malta as you know frank to spend a week with the world's strongest men um phil fister and the like, they did not, they were pulling planes. They were 747s, fridges with plugs coming off them, please. Wouldn't this be a good sitcom plot that you get offered, if you had a woman about town

journalist gets offered to go to the World's Strongest man thing, says yes, answers the email, says yes. And when she gets off the plane, there's a big sign saying, welcome world's strangest man. And she realised it was a misprint, and she's there, and she's trapped in Malta with the world's strangest man. Yet again, you're throwing away good sitcom ideas.

I know. When I put all my bad sitcom ideas in my sitcoms I thought that was, they'd be better there. It's a bit like burying radioactive isotope in a lead casing. John Hopkins

just to return to Hopkins who wrote this letter to the original JSA. Jeff Capes. Yeah. Jeff Capes replied with a letter of thanks and tips on how to care for a budgie. Wow.

I did not own a budgie. Had he asked him for tips on how to? Okay. Maybe Jeff Capes was promoting something to do with budgerigars oh maybe I suspect it was because

they're an unlikely combo because they're such a delicate vulnerable creature the budgerigar I think Jeff Capes went on to run a chain of driving schools didn't he did he? you don't want to drive like Capes no on to run a chain of driving schools, didn't he? Did he? He don't want to drive like Capes.

No, not just through walls. I can't imagine Capes would be... I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Capes. He's not the person I'd go to for the self-restraint and subtlety required in taking my initial test. Well, also, he didn't even switch the engine on. He just connected a chain to the front bumper,

which you held in your teeth. And then you had to pull it down the road with him giving you advice and encouragement. And I want an emergency stop, Jeff. Him just shouting mirror signal manoeuvre. It was pointless. Glenn Maker has an example for us. Email from Glenn Maker.

Email from Glenn Maker. Email from Glenn Maker. It's the REM. Yeah. It's not Mr Maker from the kids' television show. Oh, what if it was him? If his name was really Maker and we never even considered that.

Oh, can you imagine? Anyway, Glenn Maker, what he says, he's just got an example for us, a quick example of That'll Do lyrics. This is something of a regular feature

on our show. Yeah, it's that moment in a song where the lyrics just sort of collapse. It's like there's a gap and they think, oh, that'll do. We need to record now. So they just put anything in. He's cited the Feeder song, Buck Rogers,

which has the lyric get a house in Devon drink cider from a lemon yes the trouble is once you've gone Devon yeah there's about

you're either going to go to heaven or it's going to or you're going to go to what about Kevin you could go to a 7-Eleven you could have a half rhyme with some Keegan yeah

I suppose now I'm thinking about it you could have your bread on leaven. And you've got your sevens. There's all sorts that can be done there. Yeah, you're right. They could have done better. Heaven and bread on leaven.

They could have gone somewhere specific like Torquay. Do you love heaven, bread and leaven? You see, this is where Frank's thoughts go over weekend, Al. That's a good point. Frank, Glenn would also like to say he had to cancel the Liverpool gig in his hometown. He's coming all the way to see you. He's journeying to Halifax.

He's going to see you in October. That's lovely. And what I like is he signed off text from Glenn Maker. Text from Glenn Maker. Text from Glenn Maker. Also from Glenn Maker. Text from Glenn Maker. I'll be happy. Okay. Also, just a few other things.

Glenn also says your prank looks like, which is Buzz's joke. Scratch on my car. Scratch on your car. We've put it on our social media to show you that. Imagine my horror. Excellent. Well, Glenn Maker says it looks like some miners

have walked past your car. Maybe scraped it with soot. Yeah, but if you imagine that the things were black that I drove into, then you get the paint sticking to them. Also, King of Spain 2009, yes, I remember it well, says Brian Jacks asked me to look after his wallet whilst he used the dry ski slope I was working at

in Sidcup in 1989. Treasured memory. I love there's so much in that, isn't there? Sidcup, if you're going to do a comedy anecdote, use Sidcup. It's got a good consonance. And for some reason, dry ski slope is funnier than ski slope.

Yeah, because... It's just a lot of good stuff. I've never been on a dry ski slope, but I've... Oh, we're playing I've Never. No, let's not play I've Never. Do you know, I... Can I say... It's not for the likes of us, Frank, the dry ski slope,

just because I think it's quite hard. I think it would be. But that must be the joy of being a judo sort of belt guy, is you can say to someone, will you look after my wallet? Because what are they going to do? You know what they're going to do? They're going to look after your wallet. Absolutely.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You know what they're going to do? They're going to look after your wallet. Absolutely. We were talking off air. I always like to keep you in touch with what we're talking about off air if it's not libelous or obscene. So every now and again. Every six months or so. And we were talking about, I certainly grew up at school. It was, you know, there's always like a big threat, whether it's, I don't know, anyway.

Threat of our times. And for us, it was the Russians or someone pressing the button. There was always talk about nuclear. I just grew up thinking that was going to happen. We had a lot of nuclear anxiety, our generation. And we were talking about this idea of pressing the button. Yes, because you'd often be told the sort of bogeyman thing, or it was often used in the argument for nuclear disarmament,

was the concept of someone not of sound mind running in and pressing the button. Now, even as a child, I would question this. Running in? It's not running in. As if they would have access. They would say some, you know, and then they would use a word to refer to someone

who is not of sound mind, could just run in and press the button. Like they're doing Doctor Who, if there's a bomb that's going to blow up the universe and the Doctor stopped it. And then the last minute someone reaches across and presses the button again or something. It's interesting you should say Doctor Who and it's not often I say that. Because that was exactly how I envisaged it. And that's what confused me is it conjured up this idea of a big red flashing button sort of constructed by um one of the the sort of bbc props

like um like an x-factor when they like the person so much yes the. Well, there's that big one where you... Is it X Factor or Britain's Got Talent? But there's also... It's all family fortunes. It's that kind of buzzer we're imagining. What we'd like to know, if anyone... Who would it be, Al? People who work for... It might be just people who read about it.

Homeland Security. Anyone working for Homeland Security, could they get in touch? I've got an idea that the button is in an attaché case that gets carried around. That's not Inspector Clueso, Frank.

The trouble is with that is what I don't want, I don't like the idea that pressing the button is based on Wi-Fi. Yeah. My experience of Wi-Fi is, let's say,

hit and miss. So... I... so i what do you okay so you think it's in an attache case i think so i think there's a big red sort of doctor who button i think in a room on its own i think it's a red button but it's in an attache case oh what do you think bit of a waste of that room if it is a room with just... I mean, I feel guilty about not using some of the rooms in our house as much as other rooms. It's just a shame, isn't it? They could put some books in there or something.

Use it for storage as well. There could be others. Maybe it could be more of a booth. What I'd like it to be... I see it as a booth. Do you know those i'm like robber robber arm length gloves in walls in laboratories that you put your arms into so you can handle isotopes and stuff like that um i'd like the idea that you might have to put your arm what i hate

about those is you know what i mean they're sticking out the wall they're like long black rubber arms and you put your hands in, but your face is really pressed against the plasterwork. It's so science museum and it's why sometimes I get, I worry about the science museum for those reasons. Well, now you've mentioned the science museum. I associate science museum visits at school with like 12 boxes of working exhibits and 7 of them working

oh really I hope the button doesn't operate like that I mean let's try a bit better I hope it does in fairness I'd be quite pleased if it was unreliable yeah but that might mean it just went off

you know like a burglar arm sometimes just goes off. I mean, how annoying is that? Paul Thompson has been in touch and he's shed some light on the Jeff Capes, Budgerigar incident. Oh, the Jeff Capes, Budgerigar mystery. I'd watch that on Channel 5. I would as well. You have watched it. Yeah.

I'd like it if it was done as a sort of Agatha Christie drama rather than as a documentary. I put it to you that it was you, Monsieur Capes. Who'd play Geoff Capes in the... Mickey Grover. Oh, OK. Good shout. Yeah, that's a great shout. Yeah, we happy with that, everyone?

You've got a backup plan as a casting director. David Baddiel. David Baddiel as Geoff Capes? Well, it's Geoff Capes in reduced circumstances. Anyway, carry on. David's not right for Geoff Capes. reduced circumstances? Anyway, carry on. Mr. Hawker, David's not right for Jeff Capes.

He's got the beard. No. It's a start. He'd be the sort of, the coach. I can see him as the sort of brains character. A sort of coach who was encouraging him to be a drugs cheat or something. And Jeff's, I'm not the David, I'm getting myself into hot water here yeah yeah i just see him as the brains behind the operation does it explain the okay i'm sorry paul thompson the company i work for used to work for the world budgerigar show okay i'll stop showing off yeah once when i delivered the order in doncaster jeff capes was there organizing it

and he bought me fish and chips nice guy that is nice so jeff capes organized the wbs jeff k is probably overestimated he probably bought fish and chips six times and he got he had five and he thought oh you know what i can't face that last one do you do you want fish and chips mate so i imagine anyway i once went to derby county versus west bromwich albion many many years ago and um we stopped off at swaddling coat for a drink which is in derbyshire now the one thing i knew about Swaddling Coat, it was the home of Jack Bodell, the British heavyweight boxer. So I was quite excited to go there, and I said to the bloke at the pub, I said, this is Jack Bodell country, isn't he?

And he said, yeah, it is. I said, is it like a statue or anything? He said, a statue? He said, it delivers the coal here on Thursdays. Oh, God, how mighty a fool. Jack Bodell, anecdotes. See you on Absolute Radio.

Yeah, let's get it back to our more accessible Jeff Capes anecdotes. And the World Budgerigar show in Doncaster. So we don't know the connection. They were delivering Budgerigars. Why was Geoff Capes there? Because...

I think he breeds budgies. That's it, Al. Somebody has sent me a link to... Geoff Capes is actually very proficient at breeding budgies and it's a website, www.littlepeckers.co.uk, which I've checked out, and it is... Is his body. Sort of.

It's about birds, yeah. So I think Jeff Kirps is into that stuff. You know, I'm a regular at Zippo Circus, and Norman, the ringmaster, did a body act. You're on first name terms, the ringmaster, did a bodgy act. Your first name... Oh, yeah. Your first name turns into a ringmaster.

I am. We're strange friends. And he... Who should we have over for dinner tonight? Oh, we have David Baddiel, the ringmaster. What goes on in your house? And he did a fantastic, still does, I hope, a bodgery act in which they walk a tightrope,

they drive a little car, they climb ladders. And he did it, I think, at the Royal Command Performance in 1967. Can I ask you a question? Does Norman the Ringmaster, when it gets into the bitterly cold winter months, does he have a parka which is cropped at the waist, balerod,. Are all his jackets ringmaster fit? I've only ever seen him

in the standard red ringmaster jacket and the top hat. He's on the traditional front. He has a little bit of millet in between. Oh. That's my budgerigar impression.

What is it, darling impression What is it darling? What is it darling? Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio With Emily Dean And Alan Cochran You can text the show

On 812 15 Follow the show On Twitter And Instagram At Frank on the radio Email the show Via the and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website sign a few stresses

a few different stresses keep you fresh I like you messing around with your own falsies I enjoyed it Lucy Mersey briefly has got in touch to say we have an amazing don't want to cross her sorry Lucy wonderful got in touch to see. We have an amazing... Don't want to cross her.

Sorry, sorry, Lucy. Oh, wonderful. We have an amazing joke shop. I don't know if she's from... We have an amazing joke shop on Neville Street in Southport. Oh, not far. Yeah. Southport's that sort of vague area.

That's where Alan Hansen lives, isn't it? Not Neville Street, but I think he lives in Southport. I think he told me he moved there to be close to the golf course. Oh, yeah, that would make sense. That sounds right, when you talk about that. My great-nephews got a snappy chewing gum packet. Oh, I know, I know the ones.

That one hurts you. Fake cigarettes. Oh. Cool. I like cool. And the obligatory fake dog poop when they visited us recently. Oh, yeah, that's good. I don't like the P on the end of dog poo.

Can I be honest? It's an American term. Can I be absolutely transparent with you I added the P oh did you yes because I paused paused I was slightly concerned

and I thought it's breakfast time so you think poo is better why don't I sanitise it with the additional P and make it sound more fun? There's a lot of poo and pee in this. There is a lot of poo and pee. Let's not, you know, tread over this ground. The pee is on the spelling thing, really.

Yeah, yeah. Remember the never-ending gif that keeps on giving value of, can I have a pee, please, Bob, on Blockbusters? Yeah. It was fun, wasn't it? Eternally giving. I'd a pee please Bob on blockbusters yeah eternally giving I'd like you Bob yes I mean there are moments like that

in life they're few and far between anyway what else has been happening I'd like to discuss a parrot which as a public parrot which has to be very careful very bird based with um with parrot based comedy because i think it's been done in quite a notable way are you referring to freddie mr parrotface davis yeah okay uh and not not the python sketch. No. Freddie Parrotface Davis.

Can I just say, Freddie Parrotface Davis, who was a comedian in a TV comic in the 60s, whose cash phrase was that? He did a single called Fentamental Fongs. And he's called Freddie Mr. Parrotface Davis because he had a slightly parrot-like face, obviously. And I think he went bankrupt in the end. It's a sad story.

And he ran a hotel or something and when the bailiffs turned up, it said on the door, he'd left a note saying, the bird has flown. Which I did really like. Respect. Anyway, sorry. Parrots.

Well, I think we may have to have a parrot cliffhanger actually I think it's time oh I've got another let's have a parrot cliffhanger can I add to the cliffhanger it's not such a cliffhanger if it's a parrot there's no jeopardy we'll leave it as a perch hanger

ok I can't do because that's a bodger. OK. OK. That's too nice. I can't do... Because that's a bodgerigar, so I don't... So that's a bit horrible as well. Yeah, it is a little bit horrible. They don't know how I'm doing it. Oh, God.

Friendship Dinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about some birds. Yeah, I'd like to return to this parrot story, please. Oh, yes. You're not on Count countdown requesting consonants i was i was i was echoing the monty pythons oh lovely um there was a parrot that escaped from surrey and then spent two days in london and now it's gone home it's it's making announcements like on the tube it's it's saying you know ding dong and keep to the left can they learn can they learn that quickly parrots mugged up before going yeah exactly I mean maybe it did some... The greys are... Duolingo before going to London.

That there London, I don't know. Is it a parrot? The figure on Duolingo, is that a parrot? Oh, I don't know. Oh, no, it's an owl, isn't it? I thought it was an owl. I don't know. Owls good at language?

It's one of those. This is like what kind of character is Pete? Remember we had that, the Walt Disney debate. I don't know what the Duol Inga. It could be a parrot. It's green, isn't it? You see, I thought it was a green owl. A green owl? Yeah.

What kind of talk is this? That was actually from the parrot sketch. Lovely. I thought it was a green... What next are you going to repeat for me? Harry Enfield, loads of money. I thought it was a green owl. The owls I've come across,

I find them fairly versatile on the language front. They speak all sorts. Owls? Yes. I think of owls as a bit... To who? Oh. I'm sorry.

Even the producer audibly grown. I know. So, Grey, we should say, what I didn't like, he's called Grey. Yeah. It was a happy ending, Al. He was reunited with the owner. But I didn't like that the British Transport Police, where does their jurisdiction end, incidentally?

That's a whole other story well they're alright at Waterloo well they're fine at Waterloo but that's what I mean if I wreaked havoc in a bar nearby could they still apprehend me the Transport Police I thought you meant like are they really

in charge of animal life on the transport system? I think they cover... Because surely it's about human fair dodging, mostly. No, I think all transport-based. I think they're all right with the parrot thing. I've never seen that bothered about the mice on the tube. Yeah, or Paddington.

He would have been there all night if it hadn't been for the browns. Wearing no clothes except for a coat. He would have been there all night if it hadn't been for the browns. Wearing no clothes except for a coat. No clothes except for a coat is... Oh, that's nice, isn't it? How do you feel if someone walks towards your family saying, oh, he's completely naked but he's got a duffel coat on, I'm fine with that. I'd find it a weird transposition of descriptions completely naked

but he's gonna what are you talking about exactly anyway what I didn't like is the African grey parrot is called grey I mean go try a bit harder than that that's like calling me grey because I'm grey it's like people who call their son Aaron. I mean, turn to page two, at least. I think, although I didn't like that the British Transport Police renamed him before they reunited grey with his owner, they called him, they gave him a temporary moniker. They often do this when people are found, sometimes children. They did it with me.

Not Monica, no. No, his temporary moniker was, they called him Napoleon. And they said, oh, it's a nod to Waterloo. Why rub Napoleon's face in it? Not only that. I mean, it wasn't a great day for him, that. If I was the duke of wellington i would be furious that i a traditional nod to waterloo is napoleon what's that what's a nod

to 1966 west germany ridiculous what a nod to waterloo about, he could have called him Agnator. After Agnator Fultz, dog. We've had, Red Witch has been in touch with some updates on Duolingo. Okay. Duolingo is a weird owl. It's an owl. It is an owl.

In some of the language courses, it really harps on about owls. I've noticed that when I was learning Latin. But surely a parrot would be more obvious or maybe a minor. Do you want to get in touch with them?

Or we can get someone to reach out. I think you're right. I'll tell you what happened with me and duo lingo when when when buzz was in the 90s when buzz was doing uh home schooling he was having uh french lessons and i thought i really like this i like i'd like to learn french and i don't know if it's been my new year's resolution to learn french since 1986. but i didn't know duolingo existed and boss told me about it so i went on duolingo and i did 10 minutes a day for about a month i was religiously as they say and um and then i don't know what happened there was you know work increased or something.

And I missed it for a day. Yeah, life got in the way. And I missed a couple of days and then three and then four. And then I had a sort of a message from Duolingo, which had a sort of an emoji of the owl, the green owl, with tears streaming down its face. That I hadn't been in. You know the way they do emoji tears?

They're not like teardrops. Emotional manipulation, isn't it? Great waterfalls of owl tears. Yeah. A Greek tragedy. Oh, man, I felt awful about it. If you were in the ancient Greek and you gave up Greek and they said it's a Greek tragedy, oh, I felt awful about it. If you were learning ancient Greek and you gave up Greek and they said it's a Greek tragedy, oh, I'd respect them then.

Well, I showed it to Boz and Boz was really quite upset by it and said I should start doing French again immediately. And I thought, I'm not having this. I'm not going to be pressured into it. I find owls very emotionally manipulative. Owls? Yes. Oh, I find Dua Lipa. No, not Dua Lipa.

Not Dua Lipa. Dua Lipa. That'd be a good one. I want to learn pop music. Also, what is the owl doing? I mean, leave the crocodile to his. They don't belong to you. No, but the owl was claiming they were genuine. Genuine.

Maybe the owl had just gone out in broad daylight. It's nothing to do with me. And so have you not used the app since? I have not. Imagine if you opened it now, what state the owl would be in. Oh, God. You'd just see the feet hanging down from the top of the picture. Do you know what I like, Al?

It's not... Anyway. Al, I like the way Frank said, I have not. He went to the Coronation Street pensioner refusing to go decimal. It's a pity. I have not used that money. Because I was still... I was... I'd like... In a way, I'd like to go decimal. It's a pity. I have not used that money. Because I was still, I was,

I'd like, in a way I'd like to go back, but I don't feel I can now. I won't be manipulated by the owl. Yeah. So, great. Actually,

I shouldn't do French, should I? That's all right. Je ne regrette rien. Oh. You've been hanging out with that owl again You were learning French I thought it might be You were spending too much time with that owl

The owl The emotional owl Grey the parrot Grey yes We've already established that the British Transport Police called him. Oh, I've got a bit of an update on that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, go on. Have you spoken to your contacts in the BTP? 864. We were wondering about the jurisdiction, weren't we? And 864 have said the British Transport Police have jurisdiction within five miles of all roadways, waterways and railways in the UK. Wow, that's like when they used to say when you're in London, you're always six feet away from a rat. Yes, I know it. Another animal the British Transport Police don't seem to bother with is rats. Yeah. Ow.

There's loads of them around on the trains and tubes. I'm anointing you sort of expert. I'm anointing you show expert on the British Transport Police. Does that mean then that if I commit a crime 5.2 miles, I'm safe? You're fine. Unless there's another station. You've just walked into someone else's pulsing circle. Can I do that again, Paul? You've just walked into someone else's pulsing circle, if you'll... Yeah. Can I do that again, Paul?

There's a thing about... At the end of this parrot story, the parrot was returned to its... because it's there's more to this when they found the parrot it was on the shoulder it said according to the newspaper i read on the shoulder of a rough sleeper and we've all been there dear yeah i've woken up there many a time but i've um i've done a bit bit of rough sleeping in my drinking days and if I'd have welcomed there's a parrot on my shoulder I would have just assumed it was imaginary

oh I would have just seen I'd have just been waiting for it to slowly fade as the day progressed I would have assumed you were some sort of long drop

long drop snowboard character no but it's can that possibly be true it's on the shoulder of a rough sleeper they made friends are they referring to's on the shoulder of a rough sleeper. They were referring to a human being when they say rough sleeper. Yeah, of course.

I thought it was like a railway sleeper. Oh, no, I don't think it was sitting on one of those. I thought they meant like a roughly hewn railway sleeper. I love the idea of it sitting on one of those. What's the James Bond film when a man shoots an enormous pelican sitting on a wooden post and James Bond said, there was no... I'll tell you what it says.

What did you do that for? Do you remember it? That sounds like... I think it was Roger Moore. Yes, it sounds very Roger Moore. Which was actually another one of my New Year's resolutions. Really? No.

2021, everyone. Yes, so... So he woke up on the rough sleeper. The rough sleeper... Didn't want to hand him over, apparently. Really? I think they'd got attached, you know. Oh, like Long John Silver.

Yeah. Was he a pirate, maybe? Long John Silver was ruthless. He'd have sold his parrot in a twinkle of... He'd have sold his parrot for a couple of Rimmel eyeliners. Well, just one would have done... Did he have one eye? Long John Silver, I can't remember.

Do you know what? Too many accessories, Long John. Oh, yeah, parrot. Famously, Coco Chanel said, look in the mirror and take one thing off long john silver never got that advice he did he went for the leg and the earring yeah silver earrings eyeliner there's a hat there's the boots there's the parrot frilly shirts. Calm down. So the parrot is not only doing the bing-bong and keep to the left, it's also asking visitors for spare change,

which is very awkward. The London Transport Police, these people were so happy, the family, when they got grey back, that they didn't get grey back they're not um they're not gorillas they're not bringing sexy back they're bringing grey back that's what we're doing it's the new it's the new blonde yeah um that they um that they said i'll tell you i'll tell you what they said because i i have so you're trailing what the people who own Grey the Parrot said.

Well, the producers announced the break and I think it's all right. I want to know. A lot of people out there don't want to know what they said. Imagine the situation. So you've lost your parrot. You've given up. You think, we'll never see that again.

And then the British Transport Police say, we've got your... We haven't actually established how they knew it was their parrot, but we'll come to that. Well, hurry up. England expects. Exactly. You left us on a real cliffhanger.

Yeah, it was an Arlene Boyce quote. Carleen. Carleen, is it? Carleen Boyce is the owner of Grey. Did you say Grey in a real... With real contempt, like, make an effort. Yeah. Yeah.

Grey wants a cracker. What are we talking about? Anyway, she said that she was so grateful to the London Transport Police. Grateful. Grateful for bringing back Grey. And she said, I'm going to take them some doughnuts, was what she said.

Did she? Now, this is stereotyping of the police at their ferry she's watched some stakeout movies where there's been two coppers sitting in a car and they've got is she gonna take them coffee in a styrofoam cup and some uh and some marriage problems exactly to this i mean come on give them a bit more credit than that. And, yes. Actually, you know, when I write doughnut now, when I write the word doughnut, I write D-O-N-U-T.

I thought it was D-O-U-G. It is, but I've adopted the Donkin doughnut. I write it quite regularly. Well, you're a keen diarist, aren't you? I am a keen diarist, and I don't eat doughnuts generally, but I do have what I refer to in my diary as doughnut sleeps. That's what Peeps referred to, I believe. Did they? Yes.

Doughnut sleeps is sleeps with a hole in the middle. Ah, I see. When I wake up for a couple of a hole in the middle. Ah, I see. When I wake up for like a couple of three hours in the middle of the night. So I will write, you know, donut sleep last night. And I'll write D-O-N-U-T. I have that every night, a donut sleep. Do you really? Yeah, yeah.

I have a lot of that. Oh, my darling. I'm so sorry to hear that. Anyway. If we're all awake at the same time, we could really be having some right WhatsApp banter, couldn't we? Yeah, why don't we do that? I'd love to do that.

So, the thing about Grey and the thing about the voices is that some people, they said what they were most pleased about, getting Grey back home, is that they were looking forward to a nice cuddle with him. Cuddle? Exactly. Don't they have over 200 diseases? That was what was always said about parents.

Was it? Yeah. They are absolutely... They're very specific. Over 200. Yeah. Also... To be fair, from a human at the moment that's pretty uh

even if you were comfortable with 200 diseases not many people are but let's say there are some people yeah what i would struggle with would be i don't see them as very cuddly. Oh, let me snuggle up to his lovely talons and beak, pointy, sharp beak. You can't cuddle someone with talons. No, that's correct. I always think that about Russell Brand. I need to trim my nails. He looks too spiky, too many chains and buckles. That's that long John Silver, you can't cuddle him.

I'd be like getting in bed with a pushbike. Yeah, we have parrots in our garden on a regular basis. Bright green. Are they colourful though? Oh, see, that's the thing. Green I call them. I call them all green. That's their name.

There's Graham, Huey. Yeah. Who's the one, who's the top shot? Oh, he's gone, I think. You know cockatoos live till they're 80? Cockatoos live till they're 80? Yeah. Oh, that's...

True. Paper talk. Imagine you get a cockatoo and you thought, 80 years of her. I'm not, you can keep doing it, but I'm not going to do a cockatoo joke. I've just bitten my own hand off. Exactly, exactly. I mean, we've been absolutely tortured here.

It's simply not fair. Oh, my goodness. Look, thank you so much for listening to us this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again. I love doing this show. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.