The Frank Skinner Show - Erica?

Episode Date: June 5, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a rather disastrous family holiday and there was an incident with the new puppy. The team also discuss the Sky Pool, sell by dates and the official age for wearing dungarees.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The suggestion is that you contact us and we have a sort of interwoven relationship with part of it is us and part of it is you. I don't just read those things out just for the technical thing.

It's a come hither statement. Yeah. So hopefully you'll come hither, you guys out there. I'll put. And remember this morning's texting, what's the upper age limit for wearing dungarees?

8, 12, 15. It's fat to hear the piss. Yeah, well... I think you can wear the dungaree, it's only the very exceptionally young and the exceptionally elderly. Do you think the... I think the exceptionally elderly,

you've got to be uh an an american doing um rural work i was gonna say old par walton yeah i mean those types you can be old par walton yes certainly i intend to be thank you but i had this debate with faye the assistant producer today who's wearing dungarees which i mean then you're going into rod jane and freddie territory i say that because she won't know who that is um and i said you know do you think if i came in in dungarees it would be commented on and actually just she had nothing to say on it which i took as an enormous yes but i wonder what is you see i think age as i've said before the age um 50 is for me is um denim jeans oh you can't wear them no no that then have you got rid of all your denim then you've got a denim jacket on today i'm just gonna put it out there yeah a

jacket i don't i don't mind so much. It doesn't seem to work. But denim jeans. You know what happened to me? I saw Dr Jonathan Miller at a performance of La Boheme, which he had directed, and he had blue jeans on, and I thought, that's it for me. I'm not going down there ever.

It's a road to Damascus experience we can all relate to. Yeah. Or as my cleaner said, it's a road to Damascus experience we can all relate to. Yeah. Or as my cleaner said, it's a road to Domestos experience. That's nice. She never said that, but she will in the sitcom. Yeah. I'm sure someone did in Shane. I had a lovely moment.

It sounds like a Shane talk. Who knows what they said in Shane. Oh, that is so Shane. In case you're new to the show, Shane is my desperately failed sitcom on ITV. One might argue the whole of the desperately failed sitcom. Absolute with you. Oh, I had... We had a lovely moment, Al, me and Emily, this week. Oh, no.

No, it wasn't like that. But we were talking about motorway services at the end of the show last week. Not on air, but, you know, just in case you think our off-air stuff is more interesting than our on-air. We were talking about motorway services. Do you know, Frank, can I just say that's the only time ours ever sounded slightly left out? Is when you said we were talking about motorway services do you know frank can i just say that's the only time i was ever sounded slightly left out is when you said we were talking about motorway service well it would have been if al had been involved we wouldn't have had the whole incident i would have been in like that basically we were trying i was trying to explain where northampton is and i was giving a general i was trying to measure it out in motorway services.

I think there is a Northampton motorway services, but that would have been too easy. Yeah. So I said, what's the one, when you come to the joint between the M1 and the M6, you know, that joint, when you come to that, what's the one with two names?

I was saying, and Emily was going, oh yeah, what the one with two names I was saying and Emily was going oh yeah what the one with two names and we were doing all those things like it begins with and I kept saying

Melton Moebrook which of course is a Port Piesville and we couldn't get it and anyway the reason we were talking about Northampton

is I was going away for a week in the vicinity of Northampton. Were you off to see the clown? No, there's no mention of the clown. I'd love to have seen Alan Moore walking through one of the precincts. I think he still lives there, the comic writer. But anyway, so I'm driving up there and there is the ultimate aide-de-memoire.

So I've passed Newport Pagnol. I didn-memoire. So I passed Newport Pagnol. I didn't think it was going to be Newport Pagnol. Well, I said you'd have been in like a rocket. What was great is I just got a text from Cathy completely out of context. Oh, by the way, Frank's remembered that thing. It just said two words, Newport Pagnol. Yeah, well, I was driving and so I said could you could you text Emily and just say Newport Pagnol and I remember saying that's good can you spell it there look there it is

and it's cheating because it's the remembering that can't but I had an even worse not being able to remember. I don't want to call it a senior moment because I think I've had them most of my life. I just can't remember. And I always find them a joy, an absolute joy, when you do remember. People just Google it now because people.

Anyway, I'll come back to it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so I, what happened to me on this holiday is Oh yeah, in Newport Pagnol. Well, it was in Toaster,

I believe they say. It was in Toaster? Yeah, it was a pop-up holiday. Yeah, did that cost a lot of bread? Toaster, I believe they say. Is it toaster? Yeah. It's a pop-up holiday. Yeah. Did that cost a lot of bread? Yeah. Anyway, so I...

Now, don't let me just... Because I... We were doing... Me and my son slept in the same room my nine year old son and there was a bit I was sitting reading on the bed

he hadn't noticed I was in the room and he walked in and said very casually as he walked in it was quite an impressive entrance he walked in and said Alexa play no more Mr Nice Guy. And then just went into the john.

He went into the john. And I thought that was pretty cool. And then so they had Alexa there. And then he went out, and I thought I wouldn't mind a bit of quiet now because I was doing a little bit of work. So I went out and I said, Eric't mind a bit of quiet now because I was doing a little bit of work. So I went and I said, Eric, is it Erica? Oh, no.

And I was getting it. Oh, Elsa? Elsa. And of course, I told it to stop. Stop playing the music, Eric. And then I tried it without the name at all. Just ignores you, ignores you, you know. So I could not think.

I could not think of a name. Meanwhile, the music's blaring, presumably. Oh, then you realise you're trapped. I had to work with, I think by that stage, it was House on Fire by Alice Cooper. I couldn't stop. Here's the question. Do you not have the option of renaming

Alexa? For example if you dated let's say you were Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys and had once dated Alexa Chung and had broken up with her and it was a little bit sensitive. You might not want to be saying that name all the time. Do they have the option of

changing? I don't know. Can they make it male? Like you can with Satna. I like the idea of Erica. It took me about 25 years to get out. They have a bit of barking instructions

at females in a domestic situation. You know, I've tried to avoid that. Now it's got me back into the habit. We've had some news in. I say please, by the way, to Alexa. I do say that. I don't know. It doesn't seem to bother her.

Like one of those people that thanks a cash machine. I'll thank a cash machine, but not a bus driver. Oh, I thank the bus driver all the time. Thank you, driver. Oh, I do that. Do you? You and just you and old ladies.

That's it. The only people that ever say thank you, driver. He means me by the way out. Driver. To be addressed

as driver. All right. I know that's what I do but I've got I'm a person. That's my Alexa's point. I find it odd people that refer to a cab driver as driver. My Australian godfather would do that.

Can you slow down, please, driver? Oh, yeah. I find it rather strange. I just call him cabby. I don't. You ride up front. You'll be riding shotgun. I don call them cabbie. I don't. You ride up front. You'll be riding shotgun. I don't do that anymore.

You ride shotgun. You don't talk to them because you're eating their sandwiches. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Okay. But it's interesting because I didn't Google Alexa to find her name because, you know, my rule is you can only Google what you don't know, not what you don't remember. And that's good for the brain because it helps you to remember. And the joy of going, oh, yeah, yeah, and then getting the name.

And usually if it was Alexa, you'd say, yeah, it begins with an N. Begin Nora, Noreen, then alexa that's it um and that is a great moment that you've really achieved something that you found that in your in you it was in you and you found it and when you google it that's all gone so um i just left the music playing, left the room. Lovely. It's not the first time I've left a hotel room not being able to remember the name. Have we had any response to the upper age limit for donguerie wearing? We have, haven't we Al? We've had a few people getting in touch. We haven't had a firm

number. Oh, I've had a few firm numbers. I've had a lot of pictures of the Dukes of Hazard. Oh yes, he was, but he was an example of the, yes, we'll go with you. I like to wear it

with the dog-eared front panel. You know when you wear it when they don't strap one side and the other side just hangs down, like the corner hangs over. Artfully hanging down. Seductive. Even in an old gentleman. Seductive. Seductive dungaree.

Yeah, I tell you who wore a seductive dungaree. Kylie, a tear who wore a seductive dungaree. Kylie Minogue in her mechanic days on Neighbours. Oh, great days. Good reference. Yeah. That'll play well on absolute 80s. Do you want to know the official ages? Yes.

James Marshall says girls 29, boys 3. OK. Yeah. We have Grumpy Dad, girls 29, boys 3. Oh, OK. We have Grumpy Dad, girls 18, boys 8, unless in a Dexys tribute band. Well, I always used to say boys 8 for a turned-up gene. Oh, yes. And then I was saying it one day on air,

and then when Al went for a toilet break, I noticed he was wearing them, and it was all over. And Mark Hermo turned up shaking his fist at the studio. Yes, exactly. It was all over, hashtag orcs. So I don't say that anymore. No, a lot of people saying there's no age limit for dungarees, and they still wear them at 51 plus. Is this gentleman?

I think... The ladies. I think women can wear blue jeans forever. I think it's very much... It's the men, I think, who hit the ceilings, the denim ceiling. For me, this is only my own opinion, you know. Everybody's got one. We've also heard on a few of the other plates that we've got spinning,

we had 193 text in morning, we had to rename our Alexa to Echo because we have a 45-year-old granddaughter called Alexa. You're only given a couple of names. You can't choose your own. Oh, OK, but there are options with Alexa apparently you can change it to echo echo okay mmm I get it stop stop doing it now I've got it officially been gone can we just also remember as Claire is reminding us that every time Frank says Alexa,

people's Alexas are getting very confused. Oh, are they? I did wonder if that would happen whenever Frank said Alexa. Yes, and they keep saying, I don't recognise that. Goodness, it's like being... Who was the spoonbender guy? Yuri Geller. Yes, like being him.

Yuri Geller used to stop everyone's watches across the UK. Yeah, but he'd do all his paranormal stuff from the sofa at GMTV. Yeah. He'd say, I'm sending a message out to everyone. Well, there's no restraint on his powers. It's not like a red sofa nullifies his powers. I think he did try to use his powers to stop Brexit, though, which I'm not sure worked.

I remember there was a documentary where he was somewhere, I think, in Central America, and in the street, he tried to do a bit of street psychic work. Oh, did he? And he said, that dog, that dog, is it three years old? Three years old.

And the kid said, he's 12. Awful. Just guessing. Just bad guessing. There's nothing psychic about bad guessing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a...

There was an incident last week after the show. Uh-oh. I got home and... Kath had... She was in tears when I got in. And I... You know, we bought a dog a month back and she dropped it on its head.

Oh. Apparently she had to make a decision quickly and she didn't have a coin. Oh dear. So we were worried about it, so we took it to the vet and it got,

I don't know, the vet. She? She. The vet's a she or the dog? No, the dog. They were all she's. I don't like it for an animal. No, no, fair enough. So...

Okay. So... Alan's tone of voice, okay. Yeah, if you're going to eat one, if you're going to eat one, it's all right with it. I'm fine with it. I know, but you have a different relationship with animals Imagine if you referred to steaks as he.

Anyway, it's all fine. She got, I mean, I don't know what she got. I don't know how your vet works, but with my vet, they're very nice, but they take it into a back room and come back in and say 97 quid. No, I don't know. Lucky you. They might have just stroked it. I suppose it's quite difficult to tell if a dog's got concussion

because they can't say like, oh, what year is it? 2021. Yeah, or how many fingers am I holding up? Yeah, exactly. Although I've got to say, of all the things that stick in my mind, there's things that have made me go, oh, wow. Yeah. It's seeing a horse count with its foot.

You know that thing when they sort of scrape there? Oh, yeah. How many? So what is five and three, Dobbin? Oh. Oh. Oh, I mean, that is astonishing. I don't think it's a trick.

I think they actually, I don't know. Do you think they're counting? I could be wrong. There could be some sort of lever. I've just bought my scientific calculator. I feel like I should have bought my son a scientific calculator. I feel like I should have just got him a horse. There could have been some sort of equine lever involved that you can't see.

Is the dog okay? The dog's absolutely fine. It didn't make me think. Actually, the dog's been feeling rough. For goodness' sake. Wow. Sorry. I've got a joke up for 50 years ago

that I'm working through today. I was going to say, you finished off that ice lolly quickly. Thank you. Very good. It's a rich man's game though, having a dog. Blimey. Tell me about it. It's like Formula One.

It eats money. I can't believe we used to have dogs when I lived in a council house. I don't know how we ever afforded them. I suppose you made savings on eating raw sausages. And also, if one had dropped on its head, it would have been like footballers used to be treated with concussion, like a cold sponge on the back of the neck. That'd be fine.

You took the Terry Butcher approach to the head injury. But also, Frank, bear in mind, you didn't have to spend money. You had no outlay. There were no collars to buy because you just let the dog roam the streets. In those days, yeah. For the day. But now. It is expensive.

It's a very expensive game. I knew I was in for a bit of a shock financially when I made the mistake of taking my dog to a lovely vet in North London, sort of not far from... To a lovely vet as opposed to quite a cynical... Some are, yes. When I say lovely, I'm being euphemistic, expensive.

Oh, OK. And I knew it was expensive, Frank, because the surgeon came out... I'm afraid he was having a removal procedure. OK. And the surgeon came out in a white coat with the name in italics. And I thought you'd pay for that.

Yeah. And I did. Yeah, well, you know, I don't, you know, it's not, I don't want it to have brain damage or anything. She. She. So I, you know, it's all checked. It's all fine.

Don't start writing in saying, You know, it's all checked. It's all fine. Don't start writing in saying... Don't do that because the dog is fine and it's all checked and I paid through the muzzle for it. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Another brick has got in touch another brick yeah okay education

go on say hey provost leave those kids alone um another brick has got in touch to to discuss dungarees. And I'm loving another Brick's work already. Doreen from Prisoner Cell Block H wore the dungaree. Oh, wow. What a fabulous reference. Also, another Brick. I love that you've gone singular with the dungaree.

Yeah. She was probably in her 30s. I imagine there was a 19th century sailing ship called the dungaree. It sounds like that. I don't even remember Lizzie from Prisoner's Cell Block 8. She liked to rollie? She had a sort of early Beatles haircut. Sort of circa with the Beatles, that kind of haircut.

I was a big fan of the Governor. Do you remember the female or the governess? I don't know. Very big hair. Okay. Okay. Lizzie had know. Very big hair. Okay. Okay. Lizzie had got an incredibly lined face. I remember she looked like the sort of peasant women

that you used to see on the cover of National Geographic. I don't know if you can still use that term, but you know what I mean. Incredibly lined. I mean, in a way, beautiful. Because people like that often don't get on telly. Yeah. It certainly worked against me.

Now you tell me. But she had, like, the lines had got other, you know, like, capillary. Oh, fabulous, Lizzie. I hope she's still around, but I ain't put no money on it. I think she's in Botox adverts now. What if she looks really young? She looks like Paul McCartney in those old black and white pictures.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's Lizzie from Prisoner's Hill Block H. Maybe she's in the bootleg Beatles. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice. In case you're, if you're under, whatever, 40, Prisoner's Cell Block H, you may have worked at, was about an Australian women's prison. It was quite a hard-hitting drama,

wasn't it? And there was a very... Sort of a precursor to Orange is the New Black, isn't it? There was a lovely, do you remember the theme song? Orange... He used to send me roses

Oh yes Yeah that was an interesting idea to have a sort of romantic lilting theme tune with the sound

of barred doors sort of clanging shut in the background Well I believe it then said but that was on the outside so there was

a reference to the prison doors cleverly. You're looking through my peephole. Yeah. It was, everybody watched it, and it was on like 11.20 at night, but it seemed like the whole world was there.

It's too late to me. Yeah, well, now, of course, I couldn't make it. It has a very... I have to eat it out before I go to bed. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show

via the Absolute Radio website I should be able to say radio by now shouldn't I in this line of work the producer Sarah has just stopped me I've made a cup of tea and I've left it in the kitchen and she actually stopped me from dashing to get it

no don't get it I don't want you saying, oh yeah, he's got me running around getting tea for him. This is nice for everyone at home. Hello. You did only have 30 seconds and I think...

I could get there easily and back in 30 seconds. In the same way that I could outrun Usain Bolt. But this is... Let's time it during the next long song. Let's not. This is the joy of live stuff.

When you do the one show, you get salacious gossip up to two seconds before it begins. That sounds good. And then there's suddenly, hello and welcome to the... There's a little bit of that here. Yeah, there is a bit of that here, but I would rather light on other people's doors, depths than our own. Okay.

Just in case people go off us because of the salacious gossip thing. Claire Cook? That's not why they're going off us. No. Are they going off us? Who said they're going off us? I don't know.

Are they going off us? I think it was in one of the ARIA speeches. Oh, is that what they said? Yeah. Unfortunately, it was Jason Manford. No, not really. I've really gone off Frank Skinner. Claire Cook has been in touch.

I like her alliteration. I don't know. I like her discovery of parts of the world. Still rocking the dungies at 63. Wow. No plans to stop but as i say claire's probably a lady and i think late ladies can wear them forever so that's okay it's very generous of you frank no it's just true it's like dying your hair i when men dye their hair I think oh don't don't when women dye their hair

I don't think anything of it I don't know why yeah I don't know why it's because men I think it's because there's possibly fellas

it sounds like one of those Coronation Street you know fellas there's conversations almost certainly. That's the problem with your fellas. Remember, I haven't watched it for 25 years, but that's what it used to be. Yeah, fellas.

The thing about fellas is that I think they tend to perhaps not always appreciate there are shades other than aubergine and burnt squirrel. Yeah, you don't have to go purple. I don't know where that... Paul McCartney, one of the richest men on the rich list, had purple hair for ages. How can he know he's just let it go?

He's let it be. Yeah, he's let it be. That is tremendous work. But we can't come out of the link this early. Can you save those biggies towards the end of the link that we can have like a big da-da? But no, it's all gone. Yeah.

So, I'll tell you, here's the thing. I'd like to know, I'd like your advice on something, if I could. Yeah. How strict are you on sell-by dates? Oh, okay. I don't mean Mark sell-by. Something tells me

Alan and I might have a difference of opinion on this. Well, I had to poulet recently and... Sorry? Chicken.

Yes, I'm aware of what it is. Yes. And it was a bit... The state of poulet was not great because it was two days out and I thought two days out, that's nothing. They are on the side. Wait, a poulet? two days out and i thought two days out that's nothing you know they are on the side way to pull it two days out two days out two days post sell by yeah and you know what

i start i cooked it and even when it was cooking you know the smell of a chicken cooking all lovely it had a slight as if i I was also cooking polystyrene. There was something, something in the air. Who was it who said? I believe it was Phil Collins. Something Jackson. Phil Collins. Who's the one who did Call Out the...

Thunderclap Newman. Okay. Yeah, I don't know how he got that nickname. Aye? Anyway. So the two-day-old filet. I started eating it, and I suddenly became incredibly angry. There was something wrong. You know what I mean?

It was a bit cheesy, cheesy chicken. This is a vile. That actually sounds delicious, but that's a side issue. Yeah. Well, no, it's a vile so delicious but that's a side issue yeah well no it's a bit wrong um i wonder if it's the you know the french formula for relationships half your age plus seven i wonder if there's anything um like that for sell by date is read the sell by date i call it yeah but i i think they're they are a springboard smelling it there we go i don't think they are a springboard. I think they're smelling it. There we go. I don't think they're a rule. I think they're a springboard for decision making.

I was just demonstrating that I could get my tea in time. I thought you were demonstrating the principle of cutting it fine. Well, yes, as in sell-by dates in life. No, when I got to the kettle, horror of horrors, look at my invisible

watch. I hadn't put the hot water in the cup I thought it was a brewing but so I had to boil the kettle up again I mean it was a much bigger procedure than I'd anticipated here we are looking back on it it's better that you didn't run off for it in the previous link yes well what I would have done I would have abandoned I wouldn't have tried that. I was confident this time, but it was quite close. I actually

did the first part of this link standing, which some presenters here do as a matter of course, because it gives you more energy. But who wants that? No. Who wants to listen to someone going, hey, come on, on guys Shut up

Now those are the are you having a good time presenters May I never become that You having a good time They don't say anything They just sort of shout I pray that they'll get nothing back of people

You having a good time And you know I find these people very presumptuous nothing back of people. You go on at the festival, you're having a good time. And do you know, I find these people very presumptuous. They say, are you having a good time? And there's always this assumption that they are having a good time. It's not a genuine inquiry. They're after a brutish, simple response.

There's no space for nuance. There's no, look, to be completely straight with you, I'm a bit anxious about my partner who went to get burgers three and a half hours ago. There's no individualism with these people. Anyway, so I was eating this chicken. I'd like to ask you a question about the chicken.

Had it previously been opened and then left, or was it sort of sealed up and then you cooked it? No, no, it was sealed up. I hadn't taken it out and used it as a centrepiece at meals, if that's what you're suggesting. It was straight from the fridge in its wrapping. Yeah. But as I ate it and it tasted strange, you know, it tastes strange

and you have another bit and it still tastes strange. And I remember thinking to myself, look, I've got a few, Bob. I don't have to take these kind of risks anymore. So I abandoned it. I threw the whole thing away. And I always hate throwing food away. My dad used to say, if you throw bread on the fire,

the devil will come. That's my modern approach. Him and his modern ways. I don't know why more of the charities don't use that kind of slogan. It's right up there with

give a man a fishing rod, you know. If you throw bread on the fire the devil will come. Oxfam. I opened and consumed pate that was a full fortnight out of day. See, pate. I'm putting chicken and pate in dangerous characters' food. I consumed pate that was a fortnight out of day

into the box of The Struggle Is Real. I mean, come on. My pate that was a fortnight out of date into the box of the struggle is real. I mean, come on. My pate seemed a bit off. Something my parents would have said. I think if you're going to eat pate that's two weeks old, you need a ring of blokes around you going, pate, pate, pate, pate, making you, leading you on to make you do it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about dungarees,

and attention must be paid to Omar, who's your tour manager. Yes, my tour manager. I forgot. He not only wears dungarees, but he wears a sort of, I'm going to say a sort of Andy P not only wears dungarees, but he wears a sort of, I'm going to say, a sort of Andy Pandy candy stripe dungaree. Oh, really? And he wears them with, you know,

people who wear things with confidence, that they can wear anything. They sound comfy. Yeah. Can I just say, that's a real fashion slam if someone says that to you. I said that once at a black tie event. That's like you look well. Oh, I had a dress on and a woman said to me, you look very comfy.

No. Deleted from the contacts list. Back to you, Frank, in the studio. Yeah, so Omar has just sent me a picture of himself as an aide de memoir. I think Omar is a little over 40, not much, only just over the boundary but he wears it well and say if you wear things with bravado i mean i i think i mentioned last week that i tried on a leather dungaree yes you did what was the name of that i'm on here yeah 367 has suggested the upper edge for wearing dungarees is when your bladder doesn't allow you enough time to get them off that's a very good part um yes i remember age

367 is yeah i remember saying that to my son come on come on orion up in the toilet and he said I'm wearing a one piece and it was a, oh yes sorry I noticed, that is a you don't want all your tops hanging down on the toilet floor so sell buys, can I ask a question 7-0-1 has actually asked you a question about

that if I may re-frank's dodgy chicken his description sounds like he roasted a whole chicken then sat down to tug into it by himself. That is true. I'm envisaging a serviette tied around his neck and giant carving cutlery held aloft ready to go as a character in a Warner Brothers cartoon might do.

Is my interpretation accurate? It's not that far away. When I grew up, the definition of an influencer would include Desperate Dan from the Dandy, who ate a lot of whole food. Cow pie. Whole food had a different meaning then. Whole food was a whole chicken, a whole cow.

But yes, no one else would eat it in our house because it was past its sell-by date. Oh. So Kath wouldn't eat it because she's very sensitive about food poisoning and the like, and she wouldn't let me feed it to our child because that would be cruel. So I had to take it on, but I lost my nerve on it.

Probably would have been all right. I'll tell you, here's what I think about sell-by dates. I feel there are certain foods I'm willing to cut them some slack. For example, may I present the cheese? I feel with cheese look we're already dicing with danger anyway on the smell front yeah

if things are off they stay off for a little longer but people eat blue as well they eat blue cheese that's what I mean if we're in that area anyway of mould I can handle that with my cheese.

Yeah. It's when we come to chicken, and I think that was a grave mistake you made, Frank. Do you? I really do. Yesterday we finally cut the Alice Cooper cake, and I think it was two weeks old, because we couldn't bear to cut it because it was Alice Cooper.

And Boz had a nice big slice of that and then at the end of it, we noticed that the whole bottom of the cake was covered in mould. Yeah. But he's lived. He's fine. That's a relief.

So, yeah. Child eats mould, dog dropped on head. What are we doing to the world? Police! Police! Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank.

Mm-hmm? What else happened to you on your little week away? I'll tell you what happened. What happened is I rented a place for the family. Yeah. I'll be honest with you, it turned out to be arguably the worst holiday I've ever had, but we won't. Let's not. Let's not.

We don't really want to go. Oh, God, if I get this close, I know I'll keep going. No, we don't really want to go, oh, God, if I get this close, I know I'll keep going. I mean, you have in the past aired dirty laundry as sort of comedy entertainment. No, but this was so me. We got to a point at the end where my partner said she'd had a discussion with her sister to say that they thought family holidays were no longer a viable proposition because of me.

Right. That was a difficult conversation to have. But anyway... Did she say that? Well, I think it's a group decision. Have they all been there? What have you been doing? I don't know.

I think of myself as a very nice man. Do you? Yeah. Right. Anyway, so... Well, I have the same problem in that i think of myself as a very nice man and then lots of people um have severed contact with me so no me too i think we're all quite difficult maybe it's people do you do you think it's quite difficult and objectionable and objectionable.

Why do people find us... I want to be a nice man. No, we're not... I think we're just high maintenance, maybe. I think I'm going to find out that they are continuing to have family holidays but not telling me. The producer is on the floor. I can always mind the dog, I suppose,

as that's turned out. Were you starting arguments with people? I don't... I think maybe you were. But not... No, I... Come on. I just think when you're in a relaxed...

Look, I'm not going to go into details because I don't want to open any wounds, but I just think when you're... Sounds like you might have spent all week doing that. When you're on holiday, you know, you want to relax a bit. And start a few brows. Anyway, there are some situations, I said this, there are some situations where you make people happy by arriving and some where you make them happy by departing.

And I think when I left, I had to leave early to come home for the radio show. I think I heard whooping. It could have been the engine. It could have been the engine sound. But I think I heard like a big, you know, if you went past someone's house the day Andy Murray won Wimbledon, you'd hear that cheer go up when it happens

from people just spontaneously happy. I think I heard that as I left. You see, I would say in some ways, the laughter you bring, you know, you've got to pay a little tax on that. Well, I don't know. Do people pay too much tax, maybe? I don't know. Yeah, i think it's a tied system um it's um i don't know what's gonna do now i don't know i don't know who else am i gonna go

on holiday with i'll have to be a holiday alone why don't the three of us given that we seem to upset people we should just all go together i I think Al's still doing the family holiday. Oh, yeah. He gets, yeah. Yeah, I am. Oh, guess what his response to that was? Hmm. Anyway, it's,

you remember when I said I did the book club with my family and it was such a tense, difficult. I do remember that, yeah. but i'd never ever to the book club again well here we are well but no what they said was we can't do the history book on the shelf it's always repeating itself holidays holidays book clubs and holidays Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Absolute Radio When I was famous I used to have an office in West London And absolutes still think I am, don't tell them And there was a knock at doer, and not at my, at the reception, they didn't knock, they pressed the thing, and it was the cheeky girls,

before they were known as the cheeky girls, with their mother. Margaret. Margaret. Everybody. Dad to Margaret. mother margaret margaret everybody and um they did that thing of arriving in like long coats and they said we've we've come to see frank and then they said that thing more like kafka's the trial no but you know that you know when people have a long coat on in a saucy 60s movie?

You know underneath it's going to be. And they did that. But they couldn't actually get through to me. Reception intercepted them and they weren't allowed in. Oh, no. I don't know what they were called. What were they called? I don't know what they were called before they were the cheeky girls. Were they called the insouciant women?

I think they were called la twin impertinence. I think was their type of... Which one? One of them, of course, dated Lembit. Yeah, that was Gabrielle. Gabrielle? That was a fabulous quote from Margit. Dentalor! She said, oh, they talk about all intellectual things together,

like astronomy. And I knew from having met Lembit that he's, you might call it astronomy, I don't know if Professor Brian Cox would term it as such. He was one of these people who believes there's an enormous meteor heading towards the Earth that could strike us at any time. Oh, dear. If you're calling that astronomy, that's what they discussed.

Anyway, touch my meteor. This is astronomy. Oh, dear. I've really lost. Do you know what? We're not going to get out of that. I've armed up so many, I've just... Do you know what? We're not going to get out of that. I've armed up so many emotions, I've just don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Let's have a break, for goodness sake. I'm just going to cry. I'm just going to cry for two minutes. I'll be great. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. OK. I was thinking about, you know last week you pulled me up on the Doctor Who thing and you said, when did you last listen to Doctor Who? I find that very hard to believe that I would have done that. Yes and it was it was the Thursday before I was thinking yesterday just occurred to me when I went to bed that I drove back from Toaster which is like a

two-hour drive for me listening to an audio drama with the Sylvester McCoy doctor for two hours. I got home, I watched Rose as I walked down memory lane, which is the first of the modern era Doctor Who's. All right. And then I went to bed and watched two episodes of Enlightenment with Peter Davidson. Okay. That's how I deal with my heartaches. Hmm.

Some people do. How's that working out for you? Yeah, that's it. Some people do therapy. I do. I do therapy. All the eras. Audio Doctor Who, Vintage Who.

I would say I do therapy, you do Gallifrey. Order! That's very good. Well, I'll tell you a little less personal, quite personal stuff about my holiday from hell. We had a pool. Okay. Nice.

I thought I'd get a place at a pool. The struggle is real. Get a place at a pool. The family liked to swim, so I pushed the float out, as it were. Very good. And the problem with the pool, I knew it wouldn't be for me because it had a deep end. Now, I'll be completely straight with you.

I like to swim. I enjoy swimming, but I can't go out my depth i am too frightened i'm playing it on the light relatively late comment i'm a late comma 2013. yeah so what i would do is i would walk from the lara from the uh not the narrow end the shallow end yeah i'd walk from the shallow end to the point where my chin was in the water and then I'd turn and swim back the sort of eight feet. I just did that over and over. That was what I was doing. And then it was just me and my nine-year-old son

and he said, let's have a race up and down the pool. And I said, well, the thing is, I can't really go in that end. And he said, oh, okay. I said, have I let you down? And he said, sort of. And I thought, oh, no. Fair play that he left a grey area there. Yeah, exactly.

Yes, you have. Yes. Well, he might as well. On the plus side, Buzz, you know, you're in a nice pool in a nice country house. And he's a brilliant swimmer. That's the tax you pay. And he's one of my great achievements in life. I always said I'm going to make him a great swimmer.

So he's not that pathetic, get sand kicked in your face character that I've been my whole life and he swims like a like something piskeen but imagine my horror when I saw a newspaper article upon my return that not only had swimming in it but it had people swimming you know I'm talking about the sky pool it's the sky pool

let it bubble it's been the talk of the town hasn't it it's really I mean I watched a bit of a talk of the town, hasn't it? It's really. I mean, I watched a video of it. It's really something. And what they've done in case... I bet you did.

What time of night was that? In case you haven't seen Skypool, it's a big see-through swimming pool suspended between two skyscrapers just south of the Thames in London. Is it central London? I mean, it's really quite... You know Man on Wire?

Yeah. If you can imagine Man on Inflatable. It's like you look up and there's people... Man on Fire? Yeah, people swimming. I mean, in the air. I don't want to see your speedos when I look skywards. People's hairy legs treading water.

Well, you will. In about five years, you'll just see the bottom covered in pastas. Oh, I hope. That'll be good if it's all algae. it's all out, OK? I saw a canal tunnel this week that if you go through it on a

you know, a proverbial narrowboat thing, you're in it for 25 minutes in the tunnel. Gosh. Just saying. Okay. We're talking about... I think you are just saying, aren't you?

I am literally just saying. I'm not adding anything. Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just giving it as information. Do you like my response? Gosh. I like that thing. You know that thing they do in tunnels on narrowboats

where they lie on their backs and sort of walk on the ceiling oh yeah have you seen that there's a term for it it's something like sculling or it isn't that but narrowboats aren't really my area but i would say the sky pool yeah i couldn't see you in the sky pool i can't no really i have a major major problem with swimming pools out of context oh okay so what i mean by that is well i'm sure you can imagine what i mean by that swimming pools in any sort of professional city urban environment make me sick. So there's a members club in London where they have this, and there are people sort of having business meetings and a coffee, and you hear them discussing things,

and then some man or woman will emerge out of the water. It's like a dog coming out of a pond. It's not right Well I went to Soho House at where the BBC used to be at Wood Lane and they've got a swimming pool and I went, it was a hot day I was in a building where there was, on one floor

I got in the lift there were people wearing suits and dresses, I got out people in, you know, hardly anything at all, all working on their laptops. So I remember that I thought that they will have, they had bikinis and speedos, but I had the laptops. I thought they will end up with a tan line

that will be like the deli tobbies, where you get that rectangle. But yeah, it did, it shocked me seeing people. You know, I went to the barn, there's a woman with a bikini getting served. I didn't know where to look. It was awful, embarrassing. National Lampoon's animal house.

You know, there is a set how far from the beach you can go in Speedos or a bikini. Oh, yeah. It's not West London. Yeah. At least wear some sort of sarong slip into a sarong. Or maybe a muumuu. Why do I know what a muumuu is?

What is that? Get involved. Get involved, Frank. What is a muumuu? A sort of caftan type arrangement. It's really a muumuu. I'll have a look into that. Okay.

Can we... I don't want to be in a room with a mu can we return to the sky let's talk about this i mean i i'm gonna be completely serious for one second when i saw the video of it i really i thought it looked amazing i did did you yeah i agree also people were on about how high it would be. But I remember I was offered Celebrity Shark Cage. Oh, yeah. And I said I was the only person turning

it down because I was frightened of water. I'm fine with the sharks. If we can do a shark version when they're on skateboards or something in a controlled environment, I'm fine with them being carried in by people in all black, like East European puppeteers.

But I will not go in the water. That was my condition. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was my condition. Of course, when I look at this Skypaw, the see-through thing, I cannot help but to remember what symbolised glamour when I was a child. OK. And that was TV adverts of Botlin's Holidays where you were having lunch in the restaurant there. And Uncle Paul swam past in the glass swimming pool. So you could swim down and swim past diners and give your family the thumbs up.

And I just thought just saw wow imagine that oh how lovely imagine to swim past people having their sort of scampi and chips and smoking uncle paul was the only person in the picture who wasn't smoking and that's because he was underwater they were eight year olds yeah can i say he had one by the side of the pool. That never stopped my parents smoking, being underwater. To be fair, I think the children in the footage, they were smoking tipped, to be fair. I don't even think there was no concern shown.

Yeah. But, yeah. So... Thumbs up from Uncle Paul. I'll tell you, I did a thumbs up once in a paparazzi picture. And the paparazzi guy said, don't do thumbs up. The only thumbs up pictures we ever print are Paul McCartney. Interesting tip.

Yes, so it really does look gobsmacking. It's amazing. There has been some controversy surrounding Skypool. Because, well, I mean, do you want to explain what it is? Yeah, the architect that suggested that they should also have see-through walls and floor in the changing rooms, they had to get rid of him. That was a filthy creep move.

But in addition to that... It basically joins two worlds, doesn't it? It's suspended between one world and another. Yes, I'm afraid they have introduced a controversial policy, which is that those people, some of the flats, I believe, are shared ownership and some are owned outright, and it's only the outright owners

who are allowed access to the pool. Yes. They have a different door, don't they? They've got a nice door, and the rest of them have what they call a poor door. They're not allowed to use the pool. But they pay more, don't they, the private owner wants. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. Well, I mean, it's not a new concept, is it? I find if I go to the cinema, I pay more, I get better seats. I think it's something that's been done.

OK, but someone doesn't erect a cinema screen in your home and say you can't use it. No. Well, I think... Your move. As I understand it, the affordable housing people are seen as a verruca hazard. And I think that's the reason that the door remains ever locked. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Would you get in the... Sorry, Al. It's sort of like a... Is it called a Recherche test, where you look at something and it's two different ways? Yeah.

Is that how you say it? No, you might be right. Your pronunciation's probably right. It's the one when you put paint into a folded piece of paper. i think it's raw because he's the character in watchmen i've never said it out loud okay but i i looked at it and thought i wonder if people are more afraid of the swimming or the heights because for me it's definitely the heights and so I broke with the tradition of mine and I looked at the comments on the news story because I've stopped looking at comments because you know I'm not really that interested in what other people think anymore but I'm glad I did because

one of my favourite comments on any story ever somebody in the comments had put will collapse eventually, water very heavy good point good point were they medieval? that sounds like someone from 1381 saying that yeah I wonder if the civil engineers have considered

that water might be quote very heavy water in the sky will collapse I must admit if I went in I'd put helium in my water wings. So if it went, I could just slowly glide down to the floor and just land amidst all the bodies and broken glass. That's a good idea. Imagine the tragedy. It would be a horrible thing to see if it went.

Imagine somebody desperately reaching out for a noodle, thinking it might help them hold them off. Oh, God, awful. It'd be like in action films when someone shoots a fish tank or something. Would you go in it, Al? I would, but I'd be way more concerned about the heights. The swimming pool bit I think I would really like, but I think I definitely wouldn't go in it at the time when the

wave machine is on No, I think that I don't think they've put a wave machine I was just being silly I love you for that You haven't lost that Al I'd feel a bit exposed in there

because I'd feel people on the street looking up and saying, who's that man who's mainly walking? Oh, we'd see your trick, Frank. Oh, no. That you walk on the bottom of the pool. How awful that would be. I couldn't cope. I just think it's unsightly.

I really do. Really? I really, genuinely do. In a city environment, I don't want to see that oh well okay what were they meant to do they got a deal on perspex acrylic can you imagine someone saying who's that bloke in the snorkel huddled in one corner oh it's david blaine he's so we can't get rid of him do you oh i'll tell you something i wouldn't do the backstroke in that you feel you wouldn't get your money's worth would you if you're doing the back stroke you want to be looking down and seeing people how high are the edges that's what how

high is the edge how high is the edge um You too, fans? About 12, 15. I don't... I mean, do people sit on the edge and stuff that high up? Well, you better ask him. Yeah. I'm sure people have in the past. Yes. But never took the hat off.

Fair enough. Probably worried about banging against a headboard. I don't want to get a head injury. God. So. No diving? Well, I wouldn't. No bombing?

I'd go in, but I'd be, it depends. I don't know if there's a deep end in the sky, Paul. If anyone knows, I'd be happy to find out. We might have some residents listening. We might have, I doubt it. Maybe some people from the affordable housing. But what will they know? Just look out your window, crane your neck round the side

and see if you can see if there's any edges on the sky pool. We're all in this together. Well, not the sky pool, obviously. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. together. Not the Skypool obviously. Nancy Kelsall has tweeted to say I thought my husband was the only one with a Doctor Who habit like yours.

Good to know. There's a few of us around. Yes. I know you when I see you. My husband said enlightenment is a good story. I just nod along now. Yes. I know you when I see you. My husband said enlightenment is a good story. I just nod along now. Yes. I mean, he might have been talking about the European enlightenment

and she just wasn't listening. Yeah. Or the Edinburgh enlightenment, of course. Yeah. Okay. I'll tell you, when I went to a talk about the Edinburgh, there was a period in Edinburgh in the 18th century when all these scientists and philosophers all burst out of Edinburgh. And there was a bloke talking about her story,

and Scottish history is quite a scary bloke. I think dower is the word that people use. And someone, well, they had questions and answers, and someone said, do you think there could ever be another Edinburgh Enlightenment? And he said, the future has not made period. That was that.

That's moving on. Broadly true of many historians, we think. Yeah, exactly. Not Doctor Who, of course. No, true. Linking it all back together. He seems to get all over the place. He does.

He's in and out. You've had a bit of respect among Frank. Not this week, I haven't. No, you have. Oh, I've had good. During the show. OK. 465 has texted,

please will you thank Frank for talking about horses counting with their hoof. You've just put a smile on my face, remembering Mr. Ed, the TV talking horse. Well, yeah, he didn't need to count with his hoof. He could speak. I don't know if you remember. Yeah, he could have just asked Alexa.

Yeah, exactly, the talking. It was such a great show. Did you ever watch it? No, how did they get him to talk? Was it cruelty? No, there was two combinations. There was two methods, the crawl and the not crawl. The on crawl, saving the best till last. The on crawl was animated mouth.

A very roughly animated mouth cheaply done and the crawl version you go and save the bears to let them they used to put peanut butter on the roof of Mr Ed's mouth that's really cruel

and that would make him lick and lick and it would look like he was speaking and then they put the voice, obviously they put the voice on. If there's anyone watching who thought they actually had a talking horse, I'm sorry to break that. If there's anyone who saw that at the time,

congratulations on making it this far in your century. I don't see how you can... I doubt anyone who saw it live is still with us, Frank. No, probably not. I don't understand why you can say it's cruel, because in one version the horse got some peanut butter, which is good,

and in the other version they didn't. So surely... Yeah, but roof of the mouth. I suppose it got it off eventually. I mean, it's scary work as well, putting peanut butter on the roof of a horse's mouth. If any producers or directors are out there wanting to employ me in return

for putting peanut butter on the roof of my mouth, I'm available to speak to my people. Well, okay, fair enough. Do you want some jelly with that? You want some jelly? Am I getting some jelly or are you going to the jar? Sorry about that. Can we finish

very quickly? I usually do, darling. All right, Craig Revelhall. Final word on degrees from Phil's... Dungarees. Dungarees

from Phil C. Ten, but it reopens again from the ages of 18 to twenty-two if you study art history wow that's a very precise

I wonder if Prince William more than me I think he did art history I imagine he varies with a nautical layer that's what I'm thinking a bit of Brett

oh yeah mummy could you get me some nautical dungarees? Very, very helpful. Okay.

My poetry podcast is available. Series three is available wherever you use to get your podcasts and there's a new episode every Wednesday.

This week, Peter Riley, when I come up spontaneously on air with my favourite ever definition of what poetry is, it just happened. Oh, wow. It just happened to me.

It's a brilliant podcast. Oh, I love you. I love you. I love you. And I love you guys out there. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!