The Frank Skinner Show - Eyes Guys

Episode Date: April 29, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to the opticians and had a specs issue. The team also discuss the Coronation quiche, malapropisms and cockney rhyming slang.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Am I the only person involved in this show who doesn't know that off by heart? I still have to read it every week. Do you think it lends a freshness to your delivery?

Yeah, maybe. I had a friend who was in a play for about three years and he used to say that the real art was that every day he could say it like he'd never heard it before. But I've worked with actors like that before. Who get the lines wrong because they've never heard it before. No, he was, I couldn't do that personally.

But, you know, we can't do everything in life. No. Thanks. I did a gig on Saturday night No, Sunday night I've already told an accidental lie On Sunday night at the Garrick Theatre In the West End of London

And as I walked down Charing Cross Road I kept passing people with massive medals on because they'd run the London Marathon. Oh. And they all looked so... And I thought, I wish I'd got my MBE with me. I just... 36 years it took me to get there.

That's what I call a marathon, mate. That's my time. I like the idea of wandering around with your medal. Do you remember when I told you when I went to the Olympics in Athens? Yes, I'd been around that long. Not the original. Exactly. I was there, my friend.

That's when they didn't wear any clothes. Why do you think I was there? Oh, fair enough. Front row seat. I was there my friend that's when they didn't wear any clothes why do you think I was there and there were medal winners mainly in the sort of weight lifting category that area you know wandering around with their medals just with those vests

at night in the clubs it's great and I think it was doing well for them some were sort of you know know, aesthetically challenged. Well, they were quite niche, I would say. Yeah. You know, they're a specialist interest. And they were doing well with the medals.

Some were just bronze. Hmm? I think it's nice if you go somewhere and they don't have a coaster. Oh. I think having a coaster on a lanyard is my dream, really, because I cannot put a cop down. People say, oh, don't worry about that table. I say, look, I honestly, I can't put it down.

I just did it just before the show. I was just putting the tea on this old plastic chair they've got in here, which I think the boss of Absolute sits on in the shower, judging by the mildew. And not on him, on the chair. And I was just putting the cup down. I thought, oh!

And I grabbed a coaster and put that down underneath. So, yeah. I thought you were going to say that the chair was like a sort of enormous wheeled coaster for you. But even the chair necessitates. Yeah, I don't want to leave a circle on the chair. In the middle, do you? Frank's really obsessed

by coasters. It's adorable. I've done, like, I've skimmed them onto people's cups when they've been, like, half an inch just about to hit the surface.

And I flicked one underneath and got it under there. Like a ninja. Yeah. Touched for the very first time yeah would that would that have gone as a song like a ninja i think it would have meant touched as in emotionally touched because us ninjas it would have explained in the verse i see this quite cold calculating machine like killing people Whereas occasionally we can be touched.

But I remember when that happened for the very first time and then back into the chorus. Yes. Us ninjas is certainly something I was never expecting to hear come out of your mouth. It would be a great opening gambit to some sort of... Well, us ninjas. Where's this going?

What a confident statement. Do they exist? 8, 12, 15. They're very hard to spot. What a confident statement. Do they exist? 8, 12, 15. They're very hard to spot. They would be, but I'm looking to you, Pierre. Is it a real thing? Ninjutsu is a real thing.

You could study it. Ninjutsu is a real thing. It's a martial art, yeah. Isn't it like Pokemon or something? In the sense that it's Japanese, yes. That reminds me that Elvis I went to Graceland and they got his video

tapes that he used to like watching including Monty Python and the Holy Grail was one of his favourites and they said Elvis's

Elvis's favourite was the knights who say me we are the knights who say me and he said we are hey guy here the guy we are the knights who say, We are the knights who say, And he'd say, We are the knights who say, Everyone laughs, of course, because Elvis is laughing.

Imagine if he didn't laugh at the knights. I don't think he'd last long. No. Yeah. It's funny, isn't it? Well, it's not that funny. Close your door on the way out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

A little insight into what we were discussing off-air then. Pierre and I have discovered we have something in common. We both strongly object to the Americans using the word burglarized instead of burgled. Oh, okay. What are your views on burglarized? I didn't know that they did use that, I'll be honest. No. You watch American crime documentaries, the home was burglarized on the...

What? Yeah. It sounds almost like a sort of laser gun thing. I have to say, I don't mind it. I might start using it... What? Yeah. It sounds almost like a sort of laser gun thing. I see you as... I'd say I don't mind it. I might start using it. Really? Okay.

Burglarised. It sounds fancier. I think that's... Burglarised, burglarised. What's that song? Sacrifice by Elton John. Burglarised. Imagine him all...

Oh, I don't like it. He goes in there and all his glass fish are knocked over. I went to his French villa in Nice and he had a lot of those. You know those glass animals you see in Venice with paint in them? The blown ones? Yeah, he had loads of those everywhere.

Oh, did he? So if they were knocked on the floor, he'd I've been burned alive. Yeah. If you're alright, I'll So, now I'll

watch out for that now. Actually, no, I don't watch much. The American things I watch were mainly filmed in the 1920s. But I'll check that out. Listen, I went to... Here's the thing. I had two pairs of spectacles.

One I'd paid for. One I got free from Specsavers. Oh. And the one I had free from Specsavers, I was walking with my dog, and I got a text from my partner, and I had to raise my spectacles onto my head in order to read the text because I can't really read through my walking spectacles. Sure. And then I walked on and I thought, hold on, I haven't got glasses on.

And I realized that they dropped off while I did that. I dashed back and I just saw a woman coming through the gap with her dog I almost heard the crunch of my spectacles on the foot so then I got one pair they've been sat on a few times I said I'm gonna get myself some new glasses and you know what I don't know if you remember my last glasses but they've got um gregory peck written on the inside stem and they're based on the glasses that atticus finch was wearing in um what is it to kill a market yeah and i wondered and i still don't know the answer to this i think i have posed it on here, whether Gregory Peck's is a Cockney rhyming thing for Specs. And that was one of the reasons they'd gone for it. But maybe I've gone into Pond City.

It should be, though. Yeah, that's good slang. Anyway, so I love choosing Spectacles frames. Just standing in there trying on Spectacles. Oh, man, it's great. The potential is extra i mean i i'm with you frank i love that as well it's a new you isn't it one day you know you think i'm gonna put one in a minute and think yes yes sirree i'm gonna think these are my frames so um i pick

some and um look i'm gonna be straight well i've spoke on this um show before about the fact that i've got a big head if you remember my hat problems for uh royal ascot and one of the side effects of the big head not much mentioned is it means that your ears are further away from your eyes yes than most people so i tried these glasses on i really liked them but the arms i believe they call them on the side of the spectacles were reaching have you ever seen i remember seeing an old pirate movie where they found a skeleton and he was lying reaching reaching out for these gold coins that were nearby like as a symbol as he his greed had killed him that's what the arms look like reaching for my ears and not quite making it so i spoke to uh that which i like to call the man

in the shop yeah Yes, yes. And I'll tell you what he said to me after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was that TV programme where there was like a big brown animal stroke alien living with an ordinary family? Elf. Elf. Was it that?

Yeah. Okay. He ate cats. He looked like an aardvark. family? Elf. Was it that? Yeah. Okay. He ate cats. He looked like an aardvark. Have you got any evidence for that? Big splash in there. Was Alf what the family called him, or was that his alien name?

What was he? Was he an alien? I think it stood for alien life form. Okay, fair enough. I don't know what, I just had a thought of it, and I just needed to know. Anyway, so I said to the man

in who stood at the gate of the year now that was a that was a New Year's Eve speech given by I think George the 6th anyway

I said I really like these glasses I said they don't quite reach my ears and he went oh no they don't and I said, I really like these glasses. I said, they don't quite reach my ears. And he went, oh, no, they don't. And I said, he said, let me look at those. And he looked and he said, oh, well, your spectacles are 500 mil arms.

These are only 450. I said, okay, so can I get them with the 500? And he said, no can I get him with the 500 and he said no I like him and I said why can't you do that he said we just can't I said but that's not

we can't do that so I then pathetically because I'd booked a sight test I went around the shop not looking at frames I liked anymore but just looking for So I then, pathetically, because I'd booked a sight test, I went around the shop not looking at frames I liked anymore, but just looking for 500 on the arm instead of 400. So I tried some ridiculous glasses on that were never going to suit me,

but they reached my ears. And it was, oh, it it was oh i can imagine like did you have some that made you look like a slight american fashion eccentric on the front row no it was terrible though because i'd so been enjoying it and it was like he wasn't he didn't want to you know i think a lot of uh eyes people eyes guys i think a lot of eyes people are a bit resentful that they're not included in the ear, nose and throat thing. Would they have an inferiority complex? They feel they've been the victims of a monopoly. And they don't want to know about the ears.

They're not interested in the ears. I don't work in ears, I work in eyes. Why have you even brought this up? If I wanted to work in ears, I work in eyes. Why have you even brought this up? If I wanted to work in ears, I wouldn't have gotten a job at Spec Service. It was honestly... I mean, don't get me wrong. It's, you know, the advantages of having a big brain

are, you know, bigger than the disadvantages. But in this case, I don't know what I'm going to do. Do you know, a neurologist said to me once that just the comedy section of my brain was bigger than most people's whole brain. Was this neurologist at a bus stop? No, I actually made that up. No, so in the end,

We've never guessed. So I'm walking around the shop, but people thought, who's that guy? He's just picking up, looking at the arms, picking up glasses and just looking at the,

oh, I need the arms to be good. Yeah. And must do a lot of side, perhaps he's in Miss Side On in which everyone is side on on stage and he's looking for the right glasses and then the eye test was so late I couldn't do it well hang on was the eye test late

because you were wandering around picking up arms he said to me she might have found something. I don't know what, I didn't want to know what that meant. Did you ever find out or are you willing for that to remain a mystery? Oh dear, I mean it was so, I don't know what I'm going to do now. As I see it, and I think we should discuss this, I've got three choices. Okay.

Monocle, Pinsney, and opera glasses on a stick. Yes, yes, yes. None of which involve the ears in any way. But I don't know where. If anyone out there. Any optometrists. Well, I'm thinking any legal people. What's the legal situation?

Hang on. When do things get legal? Well, I'm thinking if I'm going to be driving in a monocle. Is that? Toad of Toad Hall. Is that? Can you get Eubank on the phone?

This is a genuine problem for me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we're talking about your specs and Richard Cracknell has got in touch. OK. Gregory Peck isn't Cockney slang for specs because you were wondering whether it might be. Because my spectacles have got Gregory Peck on the side.

So Richard has some reasons he cites for this. It breaks two of the language rules. Hmm. Number one, specs is already a slang word. I see. It's specs. So rhyming slang can't be applied to an already existing slang word. Who knew?

According to the RC. Yeah. It's specs, so it doesn't exactly match Peck. Well, I think you're being a little picky there, no. According to the RC. Yeah. It's specs, so it doesn't exactly match Peck. Well, I think being a little picky there, RC. No, but you could pluralise it, though, couldn't you? Yeah. I've also gone a bit burglarised now. Well, somebody told me once that he used Frank Skinner for dinner.

I'm going to have me Frank Skinner. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I don't know if he was being nice, but he swore that was the case. A big plate of Frank. Yeah. That would be a sausage thing, wouldn't it?

Yes. Okay, has he got any other... No, yeah. ...provisos? The RC's not done. Right. Gregory Peck is actually the slang word for neck. Is it really?

There you go. These people have got so much time, haven't they? When you say these people... Take a one-syllable word and make it four syllables. We wind your Greg in. I like these people. No, but who's going to make words

longer? That goes against the whole abbreviation tradition. You say, I want two words for every word. I'm going to double the length of time it takes me to say anything. At my management company, there's an Australian woman

and she sent me an email this week saying, following our convo. And I thought, wow! That is like when Neighbours was massive and you learnt words like that. I hadn't heard convo before. Following our convo. The Aussies are in a rush.

They are in a rush. They're busy. They're a relaxed people. And yet? Oh, go on. And yet they're in a rush. Yeah. I'd like a and yet with Piano Belli.

I'd listen to that podcast. About famous people who've sort of come a-cropper. Start with Napoleon, And Yet. Have I told you before that my partner, Kath, is... You know what a malapropism is when you get the wrong word based on Mrs Malaprop from I don't know which play. It'll be some congreve. I think it's a restoration dude.

Anyway, Cat does it with whole phrases and some really well-known ones. I remember she said to me and he stared at me like a goldfish in the headlights. And I thought, OK.

This is a Chappaquiddick reference. And so... Remember, Frank, when she said, I tell you what, it was like pulling blood. I know, yeah. This week she said to me, oh, she said, you know, she looks like that woman from There Goes Essex.

There Goes Essex? What's that about? A drama about the nuclear war? It's quite West Country as well. There Goes Essex. Could be a great documentary about David Essex. I might put that

to his management. Absolute Radio. Could be a great documentary about David Essex. I might put that to his management. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. You ever been breathalysed? Yes. I passed with flying colours. I got breathalysed on Tower Bridge and the guy said,

have you had a drink this evening? I said, I haven't had a drink since September the 24th, 1986. He said, well, we'll see. And breathalysed me. I thought, will he tell you that? I think if I was a cop and I was breathalysing someone

and someone said that with that level of certainty, I wouldn't be like, I wouldn't doubt it. I'd still do my job. I thought it was just, I didn't want him to waste'd still do my job. No, I thought it was just, I didn't want him to waste a breathalyser. Oh, so kind of you.

Yeah, well, we pay for them ultimately. I made a sort of ill-advised joke, and I said, oh, this is awful waiting for the results. It's like sort of judges' houses in X Factor, isn't it? And he went, can you just wait there, please? Oh, I suppose he's paid to be serious. Step out of the car

please ma'am. Oh! Does it still happen a breathalyser? It's the most 70s thing you could possibly do. Is that the best

they've got? It's still that? I think now they're more advanced. You don't blow into a plastic bag do you Paul? No.

I mean we're back to the whistle. You might as well have the whistle if you're going to stick with a breathalyser what do they do if you refuse

they make you go to the station and have a blood test is that right of course you guys would say I've been breathaled instead of breathalised

yes I've been breathaled just breathaling people we've just had sorry oh I say I saw a good malapropism in the wild a good malapropism in the wild, a subtle malapropism in the wild the other day,

which I think is quite common. On safari? A journalist, yes, yeah, with my binoculars, my pedants binoculars on. And it was a journalist as well, which I thought made it more surprising. And they said, it's beggar's belief. As in, it is a beggar's belief. It's beggar's belief. As in, it is a beggar's belief.

It's beggar's belief. And I've heard that before. Oh, as if beggar's belief is a thing. A thing believed by beggars. Yes, as in, that's a silly belief. The sort of thing a beggar would think. Oh, not it beggar's belief. As in, it defies belief.

Well. Or drains belief. That's incorrect. Louisa in North Somerset. Yes. Hi, Frank, Emily, Pierre, and all the team. Lovely and inclusive. Thank you, Louisa.

I believe Mrs. Malaprop was a character in a play by Sheridan. Thank you. I'm not sure which play. It might have been School for Scandal. Okay. Well, I didn't pretend, but I think we knew. We had the right era. Okay. And Mrs. Malap, we had the right era. Okay.

And Mrs. Malaprop always got the wrong word. Yes. That's how it works. Yes. That's how it works. Here's the thing. Do you remember a few weeks ago we started talking about deferred gratification? Yes.

I've been waiting for you to raise it again. Have you? Yeah. With the help. Very good. Very good. Very good. It's all about putting off your rewards. So you go to university, say, and study BTEC Leisure Management for three years.

And at the end of it, after all that hard work, you get your certificate. All the kids who are told if you don't eat that cake you get two in two minutes time and all that. I have started doing this now is when I put the shower on I don't know what's happened to our hot water but it takes about four minutes

to get hot, the water in our shower so I, this is out in the east wing of the house that's why it takes so long to warm up exactly no so what i've started doing is getting into the shower when it's still cold a really it's really unpleasant knowing that soon I'll start to feel it get a bit warmer. And it's lovely. It's very good psychologically. Thinking, oh yeah, I can cope with this because I know the hot water is coming. But you have got all that hair shirt thing in you, haven't you?

Let's be honest. Yeah, but I just think it's great. It's great practice for life. Battling on a bit, knowing that that the sun soon the clouds will part the trend now is to have a hot shower and then 30 seconds to a minute ice cold at the end the trend amongst the sort of health trend so it gives you the adrenaline for the day and activates your body in some mysterious way. That sounds like it might be done by men who meet in fields naked with just body paint

and eat raw meat. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner speaking of common people. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. And we have been receiving some emails, Frank. Fab. Firstly, 139. Frank, this is about your spectacles issue

try a non-chain optician by that I don't think they mean glasses on a lanyard like most stage managers a non-chain optician they recommend one called university opticians I won't say any more than that it could be Alf from

university opticians not Alf the alien who looks a bit I won't say any more than that. It could be Alf from University Opticians. Alf? Not Alf, the alien who looks a bit like those creatures you get that... What's the goner, the arsenal goner? Ogonosaurus Rex? Yeah, he looks a bit like Ogonosaurus Rex. He looks also a bit like Pylo Swine, the Pokemon character. Do you remember him, Pierre?

That's too new for me. Okay. What's he called? Pylo Swine. Ask Buzz, he'll know. Pylo Swine, the Pokemon character. Do you remember him, Pierre? That's too new for me. Okay. What's he called? Piloswine. Ask Buzz, he'll know. Piloswine. Buzz will know. Okay.

Also. Like a luscious pork menu. Piloswine. Yeah. Eight, nine, four. Morning. In our house, we say it's cold in here. Put on the Ronin for central heating.

Oh, that's good. I like it. I can see the lure then when you're not losing any time. It's the same amount of syllables. Yes, yes. I think that's fine. Put on the Ronan. 383 texts in, and I presume 383 is

a copper. Because regarding our chat about breathalysers, they say, when people make jokes, it makes me more suspicious. Oh. Well, this is the... You know, all these stories. Does this really happen at customs?

If you say, have you got anything in your bag? And you say, yeah, well, only buy an Armalite rifle. So you immediately get arrested and taken away. That's what people always say. Yes. I think they definitely don't chuckle. No. I think they...

But they say as soon as you say that, they have to arrest you because otherwise it's on their head if you have got an ArmaLite rifle. Yeah. How do I know the phrase ArmaLite? Pierre, what is an ArmaLite rifle? It's a type of American assault rifle

mainly used by the IRA IRA smuggled in. That was very quick. Very quick response. You ask a South African about firearms, they're going to know. I turn to you immediately. I like it. Yes, you'd be my first... I've got to be honest, if I was the one who wants to be a millionaire and it was a firearms

question, you would be... Were you Frank's phone a friend once? I was. I was Frank's phone a friend and I stepped up to the plate. And what was the question? Can you remember? Oh, can you remember?

Can you remember, Pierre? It was which of the following African animals is not a vegetarian? Looking back, I should have got it. And what happened? We got it. It was meerkats.

They eat worms and grubs and things. And all the other ones were rhino, giraffe and something else. But if you've got Pierre at the end of a phone, I mean, it's tailor-made. I know, but I wasted him, I think. I should have saved him for the big ones. But I never got to the big ones. Oh, dear. Okay.

Well, you and Adrian Charles on that one one you came a cropper over the what was it? We came a croppaless You came a cropper over the catacombs I'll tell you what happened, you came a cropper over the catacombs It was the catacombs and I thought they were in Rome and they turned out to be in Paris There are some in Rome though, that's what's confusing

That's where the non-petrified saints live Yes Okay That's what's confusing. That's where the non-petrified saints live. Yes. Okay. What was we talking about? I've lost it now. Where did we meander from?

Oh, we were just talking about... Oh, guns. We're talking about guns. It was one of our little firearm chats with Pierre Novelli. Fireside firearm chats. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, dear. So, who else has been in contact? Well, we've also had a couple of people.

You know, Pierre and I were talking about Burglarized. Oh, yeah. We're not fans of it. However, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars. Yes. She's in agreement. Burglarized is awful, obviously. But is it worse when British people, I'm going to say Southerners, say burglary?

It makes me feel physically sick. Burglary, yes. Do people say burglary? Oh, people say all sorts. So the burglary. Burglary. Maybe. It's like a certificate. Oh, no.

Yes. And the big one, I grew up saying chimbley. Oh, but that's adorable. I, I grew up saying chimbley. Oh, but that's adorable. I love that. I love chimbley. And my sister-in-law used to say chimdy. Chimdy? Yeah. It doesn't feel like a word you're going to struggle with, does it, chimney?

No. It's not that complicated. And do people say nuclear wrong? How do they say it when they say it wrong? George Bush would say nuclear. Oh. But you get nuclear as well. Yeah, yeah. But I like that because it? George Bush would say nuclear. But you get nuclear as well. But I like

that because it's a bit like bird cries. It's got nuke. Obviously it's got nuke in it. Then I think you can improvise after you've established that. That's what I said to George. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I can say when I was your phone a friend, it was a bit like, I wasn't sure what to expect, but someone comes to your house and sits with you. Yeah, to make sure you're not Googling. Yeah, but it felt like something from a Tarantino movie. Well, send someone around. Yeah. This guy, just with a sort of security lanyard, sits opposite you in your living room. a Tarantino movie that will send someone send someone around yeah this guy just with a sort of

security lanyard sits opposite you in your living room and with his hands sort of clasped and you just sit inside

no it is it's a strange you can't have your phone or books near you on the couch or anything you have to be

away from things if you need them I just went fingers up to temples and sort of summoned the fact that me are cats eat crabs. Can I just say, we are having, we've had

a number of opticians coming in touch. All prepared to service your needs. Really? They haven't seen how far my ears go back. I don't want to be giving free advertising, but, for example, Finlay, who runs a dentist...

Dentist? Sorry, that was a Freudian slip. He runs a dentist. Right, hold on, you think I should go to a dentist for whitening? Is that what you're saying? I didn't mean to say that. Finlay, who has an optician's practice in Notting Hill. Oh, no. It's not Finlay Kwai, is it?

What if it's Finlay Kwai? There are all sorts of people. Really? Yeah. So I'm just saying. We're building up a sort of a sword in the stone kind of thing for opticians here. Yeah. Who will among you be worthy yes i like to think of it as opticians idol oh yeah

yes who will get through to judges houses the arms race for my ears well done that sounds great. You've been framed. Do you want me to sift through these for you? Yes. Okay, I can do that. No, that's... So maybe it can be. It's not true that it can't be. It didn't sound impossible

in a world... This is when people always used to say, you know, we've put a man on the moon. We can't make spectacles that reach my ears Your shopping experience in terms of those frames was like mine the other day where I went I was lured in against my better judgement

to a cool vintage store full of clothes and sort of like previously loved collectible 90s American Full of clothes. Yeah, clothes and sort of like... Previously loved. Previously loved, collectible 90s American football jerseys, things of this nature. Previously loved. I've got that on my Edinburgh posters.

I've got that on my Tinder profile. Oh, no. So go on, you went into a vintage. What were you looking for? A frock coat? I was killing time. And I sort of thought, well, a frock coat. Yes, a topper.

Yeah. I needed a new topper. No, I went in, and the reason I say lured in against my better judgment is because I, unless someone enormous has passed away recently, there will be nothing in the vintage shop that can fit me. Oh, I see, yeah. And people were smaller in the past as well, and, you know. It's a shame they don't list the obituaries by weight in the...

At the very least, collar size. Yeah. He always rejoiced in his 17-and-a-half-inch collar. And they go, I'm there. I'm there. I get straight on the bus. It's a great thing to rejoice in. Oh, man.

Okay. There was not a thing. I did exactly what you did, and I went, you know what? I'm not going to look at what looks nice. I'm just going to go size label first. Then I'll look at the shirt. But he could have got a cravat or a cape. A cape? A cape?

A cape would fit you, wouldn't it? A lot of people don't actually wear those, Frank. Oh, no. Contemporary life. Yeah, but not many people wear velvet jackets, but Pierre does. Yeah, that's right. That's right, and that was a... I had to kill an enormous magician to get that.

Yeah, wow. I mean, no fear of lint at all. He's a bit evil scientist in his leisure time, the smoking jacket. I enjoy it. I think it's a bit meerkat. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was going to tell you about it. You'd appreciate this.

Someone mentioned that they had walked Hadrian's Wall. And I said, Picks, or it didn't happen. And they didn't get it. No. Yeah. They'd walked Hadrian's Wall and they hadn't picked up on it. It's hard to say, picked, I think.

Yeah. For me, it's amongst my greatest work, but, you know. So, anyway. Chiseled into the back of the MBE. Yeah, I hope so. Yeah. So. Well, I've just remembered something.

Just an example, just a general example of my great convo. Yeah. So. Well, I've just remembered something. Just an example, just a general example of my great convo. Yeah. Sorry, Emily. We've been talking about Gregory's this morning, which you were hoping. Oh, Gregory Peck's. Yeah, Gregory Peck's. You thought possibly, which I thought was a very fair assumption might be a specs rhyming slang thing yeah i do remember i've just remembered at university a friend of mine used to refer to

gregory's for trousers oh kex yes but now that is a slang you're not allowed to do that double slanging exactly he was doing the double slang and you don't want to do the double slang. You could say, where did I hang my yowzer, yowzer, yowzers? Would that work? It would work. Whereas the Allens, Alan Wickers, that's acceptable. Is it not? What was...

Oh, is it that... Ladies' Underwear yes Alan Wickers yeah I think I have heard that one yes okay I don't know

if it's still if it's still very is it just the Pearly Kings and Queens who do it? The last the last of the Cockneys yeah you know

Bob the Atle and Pearce I'm not sure I've never been sure what a Pearly King is well I've seen pictures of what a pearly king is. Well. I've seen pictures of them.

Is it a part-time role? I think it's quite, it's like a, as I know I'm going to be, someone's going to correct this, but there's some, there's a pearly king buried in the cemetery near to my church that I go to. How is that? And, you know, they wear the outfits with like pearl

buttons on them I don't know if they're involved in any way with the area of London called Pearly I don't know but basically I think it used to be I don't know if it's hereditary but it was certainly it was a sort of

working class royalty but now I think it's hereditary, but it was certainly, it was a sort of working class royalty. But now I think it's largely a raising funds for charity thing. Right. But used to be, when I was a kid, they'd often be on the telly, and the pearly kings are out today,

and you get the pearly king and queen in black outfits, plastered in white pearl. Yes. I've seen pictures of them as sort of part of Lord Mayor's parades or whatever. Are you a scientist

where they don't have them in South Africa? No. No. They're sort of ritual clothing. No. It's too hot for

that sort of thing. No, I think it's very specific. I think it's specifically East End. Yeah, it's a common thing. Were there female, the pearly queen,

I presume, there was one, wasn't there? Yeah. Did she have the same outfit but a skirt suit then? Is it a pinstripe suit? I seem to remember like a big ascot type hat plastered. What?

What happened there? What are you playing at? Your monocles come out. You see, married tomorrow, today all she can think about is the veil the nail the nails and the ales they won't have ales at the wedding

will they they'll be they'll be it doesn't seem like that type of wedding nice folk is the producer doing a speech

do we know we haven't asked her that are you doing a speech Sarah you're not I am you wait and see that woman who

jumped onto the king's horse was basically wasting her time, wasn't she? Eh? What a shame. Poor Emily Davidson. Aunt? Okay, 082. Morning team, re-Malapropisms.

I was being told the price of a product by a salesman. I can't remember what, unfortunately. And he said, of course, if you want it with all the Belgian whistles on, it will be more. Oh, Belgian whistles. Unless he was buying chocolate. Mool. Or Belgian beer.

It's not allowed. Yeah. I pretended I hadn't heard to make him say it again. Like Jimmy the Face, one of our regulars. If he was buying some at Belgian, that would be good. That would be really clever. Do you want all the Belgian whistles? I was talking to someone recently who said their dad was a librarian.

And she said, I think that was his happiest time. I said, does he get dewy-eyed when he talks about it? Yeah. Based on the dewy system that they used. What I need to do is start slightly tailing my material for my audience. I think what you should do is place both hands on the shoulders of the person who doesn't get it and explain it in detail close to their face. I used to have an email that said some of them did fall on stony ground about whatever I told of jokes that had failed. Anyway, that's gone.

I have a question about the viability. You're talking of Gregory Peck's, I mean. Yes. I have a question about the viability you're talking of Gregory Peck's I mean and the famous film and book there's a chain of bars called Tequila Mockingbird I believe but what I find odd about it is why you would be like I'm going to have a fun cocktail bar chain of them

and when people look at the name I want them to be reminded of the slow grim fight for racial justice in the American South. Yeah, but maybe they're not reminded of that. But then what do they think it is if they don't know? They just go, oh, I'm mocking them. You're absolutely right. It is a bit inappropriate.

It's like a disco called The Colour Purple. I mean, please. Yes. Yeah. Yes, yeah. You can have a Harpo cocktail. Yeah, I'm mad. Because it's not a pun You can have a Harpo cocktail. Yeah, mad. Because it's not a pun if you don't know the origin.

And if you know the origin, it's not nice. No. No, I agree. Shut them down. Yeah. Is it a chain? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Weird. Weird decision making. Yeah, well, it's a good pun. That's my problem with it. It is quite a good pun. And I find it hard, it's a good pun. That's my problem with it. It is quite a good pun, and I find it hard to not admire a good pun.

That's how it's happened, though. The sheer strength of the pun has overwhelmed all associative concerns. Well, I once spoke to the historian Lucy Worsley, and I expressed some surprise that she was working on that series Versailles. I don't know if you remember it but yeah it was um bawdy in the extreme yes and um she said well if one person who watches it

um actually looks in and reads into that historical period I have done my job so maybe Tequila Mockingbird thinks if one person reads that book, we have not wasted. To which their business partner says, what book? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank, may we return?

May we? Oh, lovely. Lovely work, Skinner. To some of our, some bits of previous correspondence we've had. Oh, yes. From our loyal readers. Because, you know, they should not be overlooked. No.

What was the thing they said about animals during the wartime? They did not know. No, they had no choice. They had no choice. Yeah. I think about that at least once a week and it makes me smile. Not that they had no choice. That's obviously very sad, but it seems an odd... No, it's not the slogan I'd have gone for.

No. They were brave, whatever I'd have gone for. No. They were brave, whatever you think would have been my slogan. So have we heard from the outside world? We have. We've heard from Adrian from Surrey, who's got in touch with the greatest cape I ever wore. How does that strike you? I think we've all sat around in pubs going through that scenario.

As a teenager, I was in a local panto group. I already love you, Adrian. Yeah. And I regularly ended up as the villain. Oh, OK. Or should I say... Yeah. as the villain oh okay or should i say yeah would you have been cast as a villain incidentally frank skinner um i think that that period i'd have been cast as the village drunk that's the only way i could have really

coped with it but um now i've never i've when i was in a panto, I was in the ITV panto, and I was buttons. And I introduced the gag when people say, ah, buttons, and I immediately checked my flies and said, thank you very much. Yes, you're very buttons. I would say if I had to think of... Yeah, I was chirpy in those days. Yes, you've got a...

You have. It's something of the Hotel Porterer about you. Yes. And he did wear that sort of outfit, didn't he? I like to think I was buttons but shot through with darkness. Buttons with a dark backstory.

But maybe, all those things, they've got plenty of darkness in them, those pantos. Which panto character are you? Oh, you've got to be, see I've got the Widow Twanky. Okay.

What about you? Me? I don't know. Aaron Hardop? No, I don't think. He've got to be... See, I've got the Widow Twanky. Okay. What about you? Me? I don't know. Aaron Hardop? No, I don't think... He's got to be Prince Charming. Yeah, he's going to be one of the... Is there like a big...

A giant. You know, of mice and men. You know, that big character. Lenny? Lenny! Yeah, I'm Lenny. Is there a Lenny character in Pantor? That would be very tragic.

No, they're not in Finkoff Pantor? That would be very tragic. Not that I can think of. Blacksmith? Yeah, village blacksmith. You can always fit one of those in. Oh, he's very blacksmith. And then they can come out with like, it looks like a hammer, but it's really a sort of a baseball bat,

and then you can knock horseshoes, foam horseshoes, or maybe candy horseshoes into the audience for the kids. Yes, that's right. I think I've got something. I had an idea for a TV. You know, I have an idea for TV shows now and again,

which I like to share. If anyone wants to make them, it's fine. I thought ones in which you predict which celebrities would be good couples. And it could be called the shipping forecast. Very nice. What do you think? I like that.

Okay, well, it'll be on Channel 5, I should think, within six months. Adrian, we will get back to you. We're still mid-Adrian from Surrey's email. Okay. Oh, yes, yes. The greatest cape he ever wore. We're going to find out shortly. Well, that is worth a cliffhanger, isn't it?

Frank, guess what? Alf the furry alien was called Alf because, and we know this because Ru Valentino from East Sussex has told us this. It was called Alf because it was an alien life form. I think Pierre said that about an hour ago. I'm so sorry, Pierre. I didn't even hear you say that. I thought it was some big revelation.

I whispered it into my sleeve. No, I didn't hear it. I thought it was going to be up there. Now I feel very embarrassed. No, well, it's... Why do you know how they feel? Who sent it in? Well, imagine how...

Frank? No, thanks for sending it in. Imagine how Absolute Radio are going to feel, because I don't know if they still have the no-repeat guarantee. Oh, God, the no-repeat guarantee has been breached. I've thrown it into chaos. Does this mean Harry Curie, first of all? Yeah.

I'd like to apologise to my bosses at Absolute Radio. They don't listen. Don't worry. We'll soon find out. Here's a test. There's a lot of radio to listen to, isn't there, for one person? I think they listen. Do you think they don't?

What do you think they're doing this for? Well, they can't listen all... It's 24-hour radio. Oh, yeah. They've got to have a life. Do they not have shifts in booths or something? I don't know where they keep their underwear. Really?

Yeah. Well, we were on Best Ever Cape, weren't we? Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, yeah, Best Ever Cape. And then I broke it off to flout the no-repeat guarantee. Adrian from Surrey, the greatest cape he ever cape. And then I broke it off to flout the no repeat guarantee. Adrian from Surrey, the greatest cape he ever wore. Hold it. Wasn't there a film called that?

The greatest cape. What if that had been a film about a really amazing cape that someone made when they were a prisoner of war? You would have watched it then. Yes. Well, I'm sure you did watch it. Oh, I have watched it many times. Which one's that?

It's the one when Steve McQueen escapes on a motorbike. It's not James Coben, is it? No. Ooh. Maybe he is. McQueen is put in solitary. And what he does is he bounces a baseball off the wall over and over again.

Oh, OK. The boys at my university made me watch Escape to Victory. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Is that Sylvester Stallone playing a goalkeeper? That's right. And many of the... I was out at that point.

The Ipswich Town football team are representative. Oh. OK. Back to The Great Escape. Yes. Comma, I ever wore. Yes. Adrian from Surrey's, I ever wore. Yes. Adrian from Surrey's, I'll recap, re-cape.

As a teenager, I was in a local panto group and regularly ended up as the villain. My mum made me a cape for my costume as the Demon of Discontent. And over the years, it was repurposed for other roles. I'll allow you to imagine what they may have been. Shondarm? Actually, does that qualify? Because what they have, their arms

come through their capes. Is that still a cape? It's more of a capelet. This could be a good TV show. Is it cape? When you see a loose fitted upper garment, you have to guess whether it's a cape. No, it's more waistcoat. I'm afraid

I'm not going to allow cape in this instance. Well, that's a sort of French line in a coat, isn't it? That sort of flair. Yes. Does the gendarmerie, do they have the red lining? They have red lines here and there on their uniforms. It's a great outfit, the gendarmerie? Do they have the red lining? They have red lines here and there on their uniforms. It's a great outfit, the gendarme.

What about the 1960s nurse? They liked a cape, didn't they? What they like best of all is an upside-down watch pinned to the breast section. Yes. Oh, man. No other profession has taken up, or no, I've never seen anyone in their private life who wears an upside-down watch. If there are any other jobs, I'd be interested to know.

Can I just finish? You think the vets. What about the Great Escape, comma, I ever wore? Yeah. Now I'm in my 40s. Not me, Adrian. Now I'm in my 40s and a local school governor and i still pull the cloak out as a dumbledore costume if i'm ever visiting the school on world book day that's abrian from

surrey so you know what that cape look how that's been a good friend to him a lot of use a lot of use out of that cape yeah but they don't really wear out, you see. There's no elbows going into them and stuff. That's true. They're barely touched by the inhabitant. The amount of swishing you'd have to do to wear out a cape would be tremendous. I mean, exactly. No, I think they've... But that's because he's invested, or the parents invested.

This is why, don't go to the fancy dress costume shops with the four foldeds in the cellophane. I'd like to see Dracula going to a sort of seamstress. It's the elbow, I swish it across myself. It's a snappy dress. Doesn't he get fed up with people saying, ooh, you're going somewhere nice, Dracula. I always, what do you mean, I always dress like this.

Ooh, you've got to do? This is my look. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, as a man who's, you know, you're in with the Royals now. Look, I'm not Nicholas Whitchell. But yeah, I've had a bit of royal action. You really have. You were trusted to get close to the mat.

Yeah. You're in, I think you're in now, Frank. Do you? Yes. You could be quoted. I haven't been invited to the concert. I thought you would be. That's because you call it the concert. I think now if you said something,

you could be quoted as a royal insider in a tabloid article. Do you think so? Yeah. You're the closest I've got to a royal contact. Okay. But have you seen in your capacity as our royal contact, Frank, the official food of the coronation? Oh, yes.

This is, I presume you say it like this, quiche Lorraine. L-O-R-E-I-G-N. Oh, very good. That's what it's called in the paper. Were they not punning? It can't be the official name. No, no, it's a pun.

I'm sure it's a pun. I was going to say, they're going old school French language titles now. They're going 1066. Well, it's called, is it called Coronation? Coronation Quiche. Quiche, yeah.

As in Coronation Chicken. One of the things it said in the article I read, it said that the people who designed it, who were like the royal household cooks or whatever said that they hope it will become

as popular as Coronation Chicken. Right. Not very popular. It's a very low bar. It's horrible, Coronation Chicken. Does Coronation Chicken have the raisins in it? Raisins and curry powder thing. It's yellow with...

Pineapple? with, yeah. Pineapple? Oh, no, I don't think, I think you're thinking of Chicken Mary land. Oh, no. Either way, either way. So they sort of,

we hope that with time people will find the Coronation quiche as disgusting. Again, they should have called that Coronation. It was originally called Poo-lay.

Poo-lay, poo. Aha. Chicken droppings Wouldn't that be great if one of Save Agneta Falkstock had bought a farm and she walked through

and somebody said what's that on your Wellington's Poo-lay poo It was Poo-lay Rain Elizabeth or something So anyway

I wasn't happy with quiche Lorraine, so I thought I'd come up with my own royal quiche. What do you think of this? Go on. Quiche to the castle. That's what Sean Connery would call it. I love it. Quiche to the castle.

I see that you do. It's much better than quiche Lorraine. Do you know what? I love it. Quiche to the castle. I see that you do. Yeah. It's much better than quiche Lorraine. Do you know what? I don't dislike it. Okay. It's growing on me, quiche to the castle. Yeah.

It really is, Frank. Because I'm seeing the packaging, and you know how a quiche often, not always, but sometimes favours a window? Hmm. Like a sort of washing machine. Does it? Yeah, have you not bought a quiche like that?

M&S do them like that. There's a little plastic window where you can see what you're getting. Oh, yeah. As if the quiche was on a submarine. Sorry, I thought you meant trellis. You know when you get a pastry trellis? No, trellis.

No, no, no. No, I'm talking about the merchandising. Yeah, the packaging. But I'm thinking there could be some potential, though, with the quiche to the castle. We can do something with that little window, surely. Yeah. OK?

Yes. Maybe some castellation on the pastry around the edge. Yes, yes. A little portcullis. Yeah. Something like that. Some red peppers looking over the battlements for intruders. It's getting quite complicated.

It's a big occasion. I mean, the coronation is quite complicated, to be fair. Well, yeah, I think mine's better, anyway, as ever, with puns. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. as ever with puns. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio.

Well, we are talking about the coronation quiche. What, quiche to the castle, do you mean? Oh, immediate rebrand, is it? Yeah, I think so. Okay. If it ain't, it was broken, it needed fixing. Something I've learned from reading the quiche article that I read was that, and this knocked me flat, the one thing that's disapproved of,

an absolute no-no in the quiche world, or would it be a non, a non? Non merci. It's cheese. Oh. Fromage. It's cheese. Oh. Fromage. You're not allowed to put, if you're a purist,

you don't put cheese. I thought cheese was the absolute centre of a quiche. Well, I mean, there's cheese in the Royal Quiche. They love an earth, it's earth-based, isn't it? It's a sort of radio code

from the Second World War. There is cheese in the royal quiche. I repeat. What is that? Someone with a bowler hat. It sounds like a really terrible guest on Catch Fries. There's cheese in the royal quiche. No, no, it's good, but it's not right.

Is it cheese in the quiche? Please. It's a bird in the hand, you fool. Is it cheesy tart? No, no, it's not cheesy tart. And how do you know? It's good, but it's not right. Well, in the article about the quiche,

they refer to it as the royal vegetarian tart. Oh, okay. Oh, that's unnecessary. What they say, it's vegetarian. They say it contains broad beans and spinach. And you think, all right. No need to shout. It's vegetarian.

We get it. All right, Highgrove, calm down. But I read a complaint yesterday that it isn't vegan. And so someone's come up with an alternative vegan. Because there's cheese in it, I suppose. Vegan quiche to the car. Oh, it's all gone wrong. It doesn't work anymore. I don't know what that

one would be called. Bleak Lorraine. So, yeah, no, and also it said that we hope people eat it whilst watching The Coronation. What a lovely idea

I suppose I'm also I have a bit more confidence we hope yeah I'm also going to eat it whilst watching Lorraine

shame to want to use it once wouldn't that be if you met someone who every morning watched Lorraine

eating a quiche Lorraine, wouldn't you have an admiration for that person? I would think, you know what? You are a special human being. Yeah. You've gone that far. I particularly like the red pepper with the small musket. What about...

Because they also... You've picked up on the broad beans, right? And why the hell wouldn't you? They've also created a special royal sausage. Did you read about this? What? The sausage royal? That's what that should have been called.

Sausage Royal, obviously. Honestly, I'm in the wrong job. Do you want to know the ingredients? Yes. Okay. Well, one... Is it Scottish pork? Yeah.

Scottish pork. Scottish pork. Scottish pork. What? Do animals have nationalities? pork. What? Do animals have nationalities? I thought surely they are citizens of the animal kingdom.

They're not. They don't have visas. They're not constrained by national borders. Tartan bacon. Why do you think they call it the animal kingdom? It transcends all national boundaries.

I don't want to see pigs being compartmentalised like this. You don't want to see them being divided by human... No, it's just with a knife and fork. Oh my God. Sorry, everyone. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. 319's got in touch regarding your incredulity at Scottish pork. Oh, yeah.

Saying, where does that leave French poodles? Stateless. Also members of the animal kingdom. They get their passport. Yeah. It get their passport. Yeah. It's Animal Kingdom. Yeah.

My dog's an Imperial Shih Tzu. Imperial? Yeah. That's his official title. Okay. From the... Yeah, well, originally the Shih Tzu... I think I've told you this, Frank. Chinese?

Yeah. Okay. Frank, do you want to know what else is in the royal sausage? Go on. Scottish pork. Yeah, well, debatable. Yeah. Nationalist pork.

Scottish pork? It's like the Catholic Church, the animal kingdom. You know, it covers the whole globe. One grand ecclesia. Even the water birds, of which we spoke last week. What about Border Collie? At least they're playing ball. Yeah, well, probably on a good day.

Yeah. But do you know what I mean? They're not committing either way no but i mean someone's imposed that on them they know where their loyalties lie oh where's that the farmer the animal kingdom okay that's right if there was a war between man and animals they would have to all be uh impounded the animals because they wouldn't be able to trust them i'm just saying you've got a lot of admin to wade through to get this passed and what about alsatians I'm just saying you've got a lot

of admin to wade through to get this passed and what about Alsatians yes well look just because people have put names on them like Scottish Pork I think dogs would be

on our side in that war they are so far yeah well they know which side their bread is buttered so the dog's saying to the wolf

let me get this right you sleep outdoors and you have to catch your own yeah well okay i'll see you uh tomorrow and then that dog never turns up again so scottish pork to dog talking to owner and owner saying animal revolution you say well we'll see about this. Sorry, Scottish pork.

Scottish pork. OK. Victoria plum. After Victoria... Plum. Queen Victoria. And, controversially, I would say, ginger. I'm not sure about that. Well, apparently that was one of his conditions for turning up.

Oh, my God. I mean, I don't mind ginger in a beer. Right. Or a bread. Or a cake or something like that. In a nut. In a nut. Fabulous.

Yeah. Love it in a person. Not tolerating it in a sausage. I've got to say, I love ginger in everything. So do I, but not a sausage. Would you have a pork, plum and ginger sausage? Oh, God, with gusto. Do they have gusto as a relish?

It's very good. Sorry, Bisto. Sorry, I misread that. Could we do that again, Paul? For your sovereign, you would put this sausage in your mouth. Well, obviously I'd go to the canon's mouth for my sovereign. Yes. But no, I really, anything with ginger in.

Whenever I go to an everyman cinema, I always have a ginger-ella. What's that? Which is a sort of ginger beer, designed being based on the old Barbarella movie with Jane Fonda. Oh. Okay.

You see where they arrived at the name? I suppose. Yeah. I think they had a similar thought process to the quiche to the castle. Well, if only they had

that kind of level of work. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we have an emergency missive in, which I need to share with you. Oh, OK. And our readers, because I trust them. Does it just say fire?

Exclamation mark. It's from a dispensing optician. Oh, OK. And I like the sound of this character. Hi, Frank. Listening to your radio show today was an absolute eye-rolling moment for me. It's quite handy for an optician. I'm a dispensing optician.

I work for an independent opticians, and I could absolutely get your frame sent to a specialist and have the sides lengthened. I think you mean it's's 150mm length you need. Oh, yes, not 500. No such thing as a 500. No, people now are thinking that I'm like the Mekon from down there. No, that's right, it was 150 and the ones I tried on was 145.

This DO, yes, I'm calling him a DO. Dispensing optician, yes. The DO, I won't name the DO he's requested anonymity and I have a certain amount of respect for that If you're going to go, I like this a little bit of shade thrown here which I like, if you're going to go to a multiple

Oh yes I did go to a multiple. Like Specsavers Well it wasn't Specsavers. I don't think I should name them, but I have to say they hadn't got a Cluelo. If you're going to go to a multiple, then you need to realise they will not do anything like modifications, etc. They just sell what they've got. Please consider going to an independent and ask to see a DO.

They are qualified and registered with the General Optical Council. There may be a DO you can see at a multiple, but they use a lot of unqualified optical assistants. Oh, well, I'm not having that. This person finishes, I really wish people knew who is who at the opticians. Well, the American... Thank you so much, by the way. We haven't put your name on the radio, but I think that was useful advice.

It was. That was very useful. And I remember reading the autobiography of the American poet Robert Pinsky, and he spent about half a paragraph, no, maybe a page, explaining the difference between a dyspentine optician and an ophthalmologist, all those different... Optometrist. Yeah, and all those, ophthalmic, blah, blah. Yeah, great literature.

Okay, as was that email. Yeah, no, that was helpful. I've realised now what I've been doing is I've been going to chains when I should be going to... Independent specialists asking for the DO. Yeah, no more multiples. Yeah. Can I speak to the DO?

I don't think I'd be prepared to say that because what if they said, what's that? I just worry that how you'd make it sound au naturel and not that you were making too much of an effort and trying to be part of the gang. So give me an example. If I'm in the up-to-date, ding, the bell rings. Hello there, can I help you?

Yeah, I'd like to, if you can, can you put me in contact with what I like to call the D.O.? It's to put me in contact with. Are like to call the D.O. It's to put me in contact with. Are you trying to just put on contact lens? Very nice. And then she goes, Len! You think this is going even better than I thought.

Listen, enough of this. Enough of this convo. And we're all very excited for Sarah's wedding tomorrow it'll be amazing I'm sure and then she's off on some honeymoon leaving us completely stranded nevertheless if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise

we'll be back again producerless next week this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio next week.