The Frank Skinner Show - Flintstone's Gown

Episode Date: January 20, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to a listening party and has a new favourite shop. The team also discuss classical music, Kim Jong Un's birthday and Frank has a football confession.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 8 12 15. Follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Morning boys. Good morning. I had a driver this morning.

Ooh. And older guy. And he said, I was driving a woman. She was a makeup artist. He said, people in the entertainment world, they're different, aren't they? He said, it's like they're somewhat odd about... He said, in good art, obviously it's what makes them what they are, but they are odd people. I said, do you think so?

He said, yeah. And he said, like, he talked about presenters, and then he said, I've had some comedians in the car. You expect them to be... I'm not doing the accent here, quite a broad West Indian accent. He said You expect them to be... I'm not doing the accent. He had quite a broad West Indian accent. He said, expect them to be lively. You know, a lot of you think, oh, a comedian's going to be lively.

He said, but they're not. He said, I had Lenny Henry in the car. He was very quiet. He said, you think they're going to be lively, but they're all hiding something. The comedians. I didn't say anything. No, well, that's because you've got too much to hide that's way too much so I had a Fabergé egg in my breast pocket zero to hide no I've had that

in hotel rooms women saying I know I know what it's like with comedians you you're like broken hearted clowns aren't you? And what have you said? Just keep going Anyway 807 Absolute Radio I like the idea that this guy had that a comedian at sort of 6 in the morning or whatever time would get into the back of his cab and go

just giggling and setting off little pranks. I've met comedians and I'm sure you have, Pierre, where you think, I wonder what occurred to you to go into comedy. How did you get there? But normally the ones that I really think that about are still like that on stage,

whereas when they're funny on stage and not off, then I think, yeah, fine, you're not at work. No. I think sometimes, yeah. But there's things like how did you know yeah how did you know you were funny it was in there somewhere yeah a private suspicion internally funny yes yeah yeah that's no good no you won't get a nice house like that um anyway that was him that was my ride in A funny thing happened on the way to the radio station.

He was a nice man, other than that. Okay. But, yeah, people love... People like the idea that anyone who's got things going for them must have some deep in a tragedy. It makes them feel a bit better about the world. We all do it. Oh, we want the darkness.

Yeah, I do. You know, when you hear about a big, gorgeous film star having, you know, broken marriage, you think, oh, phew. I thought their life was perfect. I couldn't live with it. Comparison to my own, which is perfect, as it turns out.

So, listen, I told you of my New Year's resolution. Oh, yeah. What was it again? You're making a New Year's resolution oh yeah what was it again you're making a new year's resolution um was to listen do you remember that oh yeah how's that going it was all right in the car this morning yeah um well so i went to a listening party what at the. Are you familiar with the phenomenon? My name or not? Of a listening party. A listening party?

Yeah. I went to one before I told you about it. Oh, where you sat on the... Sat on the floor and listened to a 75-minute album. Yes, I do remember this. Well, this time I went to Rough Trade, which is a record shop. Oh, right.

In case you're wondering. I was going to say. That happened to me I was in Melbourne at the Melbourne Festival with a girlfriend and about 8 comedians and a bloke broke from the crowd and said to me don't I know you from Trade

and Trade was not just a gay nightclub but like a real hardcore Trade used to open at 3am what? yeah oh my god I tried used to open at 3am. What? Yeah. Oh, my God. I think, was it near a fire?

I don't know where it was. Frank rather brilliantly suggested that fire should have a... Have a pub next door called The Frying Pan. But, so my girlfriend of the time went no no you didn't see him in there and the comedians all sort of went you could tell they loved it

and I of course thought have I been in there I don't know but it was an interesting... But anyway, that's not where I was. I was in Rough Trade, which is a record shop. You know the secret life, though?

If you've got the secret life when that comes out, whatever the secret life is. And you know comedians hide in. Anyway, a listening party, yeah, so that's what it is. It's a bit like, I found my mate who'd been, when we all left

home, when we was whatever age, one of my mates stayed, stayed with his mum and dad till he was probably 40 we call that gen's at head and beyond yeah it's a big thing now but then there was no need there's no economic need it's just what he did so you know it's like he paid like five quid a week bored for about 30 years you know that thing it never went up bored is what you pay your mom and dad to for your keep anyway i found him up and had seen him for years i said do you want to meet up i was in birmingham doing the gig

and he said uh why don't you come around my house we can listen to some music and he said that to me like when we was 14 he used to say that and that's what a listening party is like basically it's a version of that. So we went to Rough Trade, which is, I mean, a tremendous record store, if they still call them that, to listen to Saviors, which is the new Green Day album. And I had that thing about when you're listening to music,

where do you look? Well, you have to to do you've either got the um terry venables as you know frank the tea tap the key tapping he did the key tapping didn't we were all standing i should say in there oh yeah that's awkward and if you shut your eyes then you sort of think people are looking at you going oh someone's someone's enjoying it. Yes. Someone's in a referee. Well, I was, I looked around, there was a lot of just nodding heads. We should, this is when you were listening to Three Lions for the first time.

No, no, this is. Oh, this is the green day. Yeah, those were nodding heads because the team were falling asleep. Now, everybody was just, there was still people talking. I thought that was amazing. Still people at the back talking. We've gone to a listening party. There were still people talking. I thought that was amazing. Still people at the back talking.

A listening party. Gone to a listening party. I think if you opened a club called Shut Up, people would still go there to talk. Yeah, I think you... It's just impossible to stop them. If they went there, because they might think it was Shut Up. Me and my partner, Kath,

we used to listen to new albums. We would lie on our backs on the floor holding hands and listen to the new Fall album or something like that in the dark. Like if you imagine a wedding coat where the plastic couple had toppled. I was just thinking how romantic. And then I realised you'd be listening to The Child Was Spoiled Victorian Exactly, it was romantic

and also when you get grey hair like myself you can't really hold hands in the street because it looks like you're being led and usually led somewhere that's inverted commas, for the best. For your own good, Frank. Yeah, exactly. So, no, I didn't.

So you liked the listening? It was great. It was a good album. They were very nice, the people. I was at Rough Trade West. There's a Rough Trade West and a Rough Trade East, but I was out West. And do you get any food or drink at the listening party?

No, but you've got a badge, a poster and a sticker. What is it, a tufty club? You've got a badge. I didn't get a badge, Buzz got a badge. And a wristband to keep. You don't have to put on, so it's keepable. Keep it? Yeah.

Wow. But I also got, because the man was so nice who worked in there, and this wasn't, not everybody got one of these, I got a custard donut, which he said to me, it's a bit stale. I said, I don't care. Just give it me. The official Green Day custard donut.

No, no, this is one he had in the... I think there's a bakery next door and they probably hand them over. But anyway... When you say hand them over... I love a custard donut. I like it better than a jam. Why don't we get some?

Oh, I love a custard. Well, that's my birthday next week. Yeah. Anyway, when I have a custard donut donut i got a rush because the producer just um she did that thing of kneeling standing behind me and then kneeling so the back my knees bent as well so i nearly went to the ground i like to bite the bit i can see the hole where they put the custard in but i bite at the other side and sort of play the game that I'm thinking oh there's no custard in this one. I know there is

but just for me it's just self deception and then I bite and oh man the best And one of my attempts which I make now and again, to get into classical music, which have never been... It's usually, oh, man, this is brilliant.

I'm going to listen to classical music. I'm bored. Really? That's how it usually goes. I'm all right with the opera, but I need to be at the opera. I can't listen to opera. I need to see stuff. I think you't listen to opera I need to see stuff I think you've got to find an artist

because I approach classical music not like most people are normally quite generale I find put on classical music find someone you're passionate about and just play them

show them of course of course that can be done but you know what I mean I got busy and also I read this book Classical Music 101 it was called and it was like Of course that can be done, but you know what I mean? I got busy. And also, I read this book, Classical Music 101, it was called. And it was like how to get into it.

And it said when you listen, and it said you start off with the Brandenburg Concerto by Bach. Of course. You draw the curtains and you sit, don't slouch, sit upright on your sofa and put it on and you just, you close your eyes. It's the listening part that got me thinking about this. And you just, you sit upright and you listen and you focus on every scratch of the string. And I've never listened to music like that.

No, because you're not a serial killer in a Netflix drama. No. Or The Detective. That's what they always do a serial killer in a Netflix drama. No. Or the detective. That's what they always do. Or Darren Brown when I went backstage. He knew I was coming and he sat with his fingers on his forehead listening to Maria Callas or something.

He just sat like this is how I always sit in my dressing room. Mate, have a biscuit, Darren. You don't have to do that for me. Have a biscuit. Just thinking psychic thoughts. Oh, man. It looked great.

I wish I'd took a photo, but that would have been a bit rude. That's the thing. Whenever I hear opera, I think, oh, someone's going to get whacked. It does happen in the films, I find. Yeah. Anyway.

As I say, it's like a musical with PMT. Opera. Anyway, I'd like to know how people listen to music. If anyone actually goes anywhere, if they've got a way of listening to music. A method. Yeah. Does anyone literally sit in a room with their eyes shut,

upright, and listen to an album? I can't imagine. Well, we'll find out. We've got some varied people listening to her album. I can't imagine. Well, we'll find out. We've got some varied people listening to the show. That's true. And lots of big music fans, so we'll see. Classical Music 101. I don't mean classical music. There won't be anyone who listens to that, Robert.

It's really funny. It's really funny to me that there was a book where they were like, I'm going to write a book that's going to help people get into the... There's been lots of books like that. ...difficult, inaccessible world of classical music. And the first chapter is, sit up straight, shut your eyes and listen. Draw the curtains.

Why am I drawing the curtains if I've got my eyes shut? Already home. My eyelids are curtains of a sort. Fringed curtains, like in a Wild West cat house. And, yeah, I've got to do the curtains. What if it's night? I've still got to do the curtains. What if blinds, all right?

Or not for bark. What about Venetian? Oh, there must be a Venetian composer. Don't bother texting him. We're not interested. But, yeah. composer, don't bother texting him, we're not interested but yeah, so I'd like to know if anyone listens to what do they call it on air?

Real music, real music like that, or similar Recently I spoke of my second courtesy car. My car was nicked a few weeks ago, and it was a lot easier getting it back from the thieves than it was the garage. Don't tell me they still haven't returned it.

They're waiting for a part. That's been about three months. They're waiting for a part. It's like talking to an old're waiting for a part. It's like talking to an old actor. Aren't we old here?

It feels like they should, in the modern era, it's such an old school problem. It feels like

they should just be able to download the part. Well, exactly. They've got a 3D

printer. Any road up. I'm stealing my Fiat 500. How are you finding it?

I braved it. I actually, I know a woman who's in her 20s who drives a Fiat 500. So I said, can you give me a driving lesson, please? Oh, we should say because it's geared.

Yes, it's got manual gears and I haven't driven manual for 20 years. Yes. So I got Boz in the back seat, because we couldn't get anyone any bigger in the back seat than Boz. I've got 500. Boz is my child. And off we went.

And I have to say, it started to come... My feet were way ahead of my brain. Really? And it started to come back to me. Pretty soon, I was riding the clutch, cruising downhill. My feet were way ahead of my brain. Really? And it started to come back to me. Pretty soon, I was riding the clutch, cruising downhill. All the bad habits are still in there. I felt really good about it, I must say.

And so, no more automatics for me. Oh, really? Oh, man, I tell you what, you feel like you're really driving. There you go. Yeah. Six gears it's got. Six! I've never had anything with... When do you go into the six?

Is that hyperspace? What is it for, the six gear? Yeah, look at that fast. In a VR500. A sixth gear. Yeah. What's that? I drive over dead people?

No, it was... But I'll tell you something that's true for me of the automatic and the manual. I still found parking near impossible. And even though it's a Fiat 500, size doesn't matter in this particular world. It still took me about ten minutes to park it, and it looks like something you could just pick up and put in place.

It's never been your rocker forte. I can't work it out. I just can't. I can't do it. Would you be tempted by one of those cars where you sort of go next to the space and press a button? Oh, yeah. It took me seven minutes to park one of those electric hire scooters.

I don't know what it is. And also, it's a very quiet beep. You know, they've got the beeps when you're hitting the car behind or in front. It's like... I mean, I thought it was somebody's washing machine in a nearby utility room. That's what I thought it was. But, yeah, I'm actually thinking the next car I get,

I might go manual. I feel sorry for the automatic. It's a bit like the red squirrel. It's been supplanted. Frank, I own a fuzz. I know you do, but you don't wear it in this weather. You need some at furry. Which I donated to you.

I got it from... From Jonathan Ross. B bought it for me in morocco and tried to haggle and ended up getting it uh three times the price there you go iona faz has got in touch my boyfriend must listen to about eight albums a day while serving customers in his record shop from pure ethiopian jazz on vinyl to just Ben Folds on CD. I listened to some Ethiopian music recently on the advice of your doctor. No, my optician. Really?

You know, I got a new optician just lately. I didn't mention the name because I don't like to advertise things, but I've totally fallen in love with Qubits. What's Qubits? Qubits is the optician. You get this. You know the way to my heart. When you pick your glasses up, your new glasses,

they come in a tote. I've got the tote. Pass me my tote, will you please? Qubits is quite a biblical name. I'm showing my tote. And it's a sturdy tote. There's totes that are linen and there's ones that are canvas. You please. Cubits is quite a biblical name. I'm showing my tote. And it's a sturdy tote. There's totes that are linen and there's ones that are canvas.

I'm still reeling from pass me my tote, please. Yes. And then, and then. Strange court we've ended up in. Boy, my tote. And you get an art designed, you know those things that you clean your glasses with that come in the cases they have the pirate

trousers jacket edge oh they've got the serrated pirate trousers Fred Flintstone's gown gown? things that clean your glasses no no I haven't moved on from gown gowns. Yeah, I think things have played your

glasses. No, no, I haven't moved on from gowns. Gowns. I'd love to say Fred Flintstone has a lovely

fur gown. Yeah. Have you got anything? Do I know you from trade? Can I come to pick up my

gown? Hold on, I'll just get my pincing scissors to do the edge. It's sleeveless with a rather strange gratuitous blue tie around the neck. I think he works, doesn't he, in a quarry.

That makes perfect sense. He wears a leopard print dress to work in a quarry. Flintstone, that gown isn't formal enough. They've also got a Cubits magazine that you can go and pick up free from the shop. Just for the shop? Yeah. I wonder what sort of...

Which is about Cubits and a sort of, you know, just men about town, women about town, high fashion. Latest totes reviewed. It'd be weird having a magazine in a glasses shop. No, it's perfect if you're trying out your readers. And also there's a bit weird having a magazine in a glasses shop. No, it's perfect if you're trying out your readers. And also, there's a podcast. There's a Qubits podcast. No, there's not.

There is! Qubits podcast? I tell you, it's changed my life. And everyone I've met in there has recommended interesting music to me. What? What, they've got their own record label, Qubits? I played on here one week. I can't remember the name of the band.

Do you remember the band, Sarah? I played a band on here a few weeks ago because the woman in the shop in Cubits had got a T-shirt on. How many times have you mentioned Cubits? This place is a cult. I pay, I pay. I know you do.

I'm not getting anything free. Can we just say we are not being paid by Cubits? No, no. When I talked about them before, but then I met someone the other day who also loved cubits and we just cubited out. Hang on, they've got tote bags.

You've got a friend. Oh, yeah. You've made a friend on the basis of the fact that you share an optician. Yeah. You know how people go on Star Wars chat rooms? Well, I've done it with cubits. Hi, do you like cupids as well? Hold up your pictures of us

holding up our brown totes. Discussing the latest podcast episode. Hey guys, new tote just dropped. No, they do change the art design on the cleaning clock. They do on a regular basis.

And when you get it, you get spray for your lenses as well when you pick your stuff up. Just saying. There's something to say on the forum next time you go on. But they seem to have a hiring nerds policy which appeals to me.

Okay. This is Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I think I slightly crashed Iona Fez's communication with a sort of a long cupid's chat. Ethiopian jazz. Ethiopian jazz. That's how you thought of it yeah that was it that was it and it was um she was saying uh is it a boyf or a husband bf yeah a boyf um listens to 12 albums a day about at least eight while serving customers in his record shop but again

he is serving customers he's not sitting in a room upright. Yeah. With the curtains drawn and his eyes closed. I just, that level of focus. Yeah. What about if you're listening to Focus? Maybe that would help. Well, you're not alone because...

You'd lie, you'd lie, you'd lie, you'd lie, you'd lie, you'd lie, rum, pom, pom. That was a bit of focus. Welcome to Friendship with Fran. Louise Ryan has got in touch. I love the show. Oh, sorry. It slips some praise in.

I know. I don't know what happened. I don't know what I was thinking. You and I, Louise continues, have very similar listening habits. OK. I, too, as a teen, would shut the dark green heavy velvet curtains in the lounge. It's all gone with the wind. Yeah.

Lie on my back, tall speakers either side of my head, and listen to our new stack CD system in the mahogany cabinet. Parents out, maximum volume. Kate Bush. Springsteen. Tom Waits, and you two. But you know, one out of four ain't bad. However, reclassical, exactly the same. Yeah, it's hard, classical, isn't it?

I'm waiting for the words all the time. I think you need to... They're basically karaoke tracks, classical music. Beethoven saying, sing along if you know the words, and then back to the piano. I think it needs to be music that you know enough about that you can listen in detail. If you've learned to play the piano or the violin or something, then you can...

It's like when I watch football versus when I watch rugby. I've never played football enough that I can see that they're good, but I don't have an insight. Whereas if I watch rugby, I was made to do that, so I can go wow that's good stuff well I've only recently realized that I've been watching football for 50 years I've learned nothing of it I'm honestly serious I only just stopped with you the other day I was watching like what I said about probably a couple of months ago I was watching match of the day and they said

yeah but what they've done there they've dropped they've dropped to a three in midfield and I thought I don't know what that means and I've never known what it means

and everything that people have said about three at the back or playing a whatever it is an invisible number nine I can't even remember the terminology

I don't understand it I've watched probably a thousand goals scored against West Bromwich Albion at the Hawthorns live, and I could probably explain what went wrong on about five of them. And that's because it's been a major individual error.

Yeah. But usually I think, that was a goal, I don't know what. And when they say, yeah, look at the gap between these two players. So what?

What difference does that make? And after 50, I would have thought, if I'd have watched someone making wedding dresses for 50 years, I'd be able to make a reasonable wedding dress. Yeah, you'd have picked up something. Or at least know what they would do. I've learnt nothing from it. I mean, it's unbelievable.

Watching the wedding dress being made, going, I see the gaps there. You can see what's gone wrong. I haven't been watching it casually. I've been absolutely engrossed reading about it, talking about it. Somebody asked me any kind of tactical question. Not

the first idea. Really? Don't get it. Frank, Ruth Jordan has been in touch. Oh, yeah. Of course, yes. I'm trying to imagine what Frank's dad would have made of Qubits opticians given his reaction to Frank's brother getting a toothbrush that time. And can we just remind our readers who aren't familiar

what your dad said when, I think it was old Terry, came home with a toothbrush? We've lost him. Yeah. Well, times have changed, obviously. My dad never... i don't think he ever wore glasses i can't remember him in glasses you probably saw them as some sort of affectation yeah what would he have thought re totes would he have appreciated a dance i think he'd have been all right with it i don't think he'd have used the expression totes no no, no. He wouldn't have said, are you coming to the pub? Totes. No.

He wouldn't have said that. Oh, no, you mean that kind of... Yeah. I suppose I do get totes emotes about totes. Yes, yeah. Yeah. By the way, when did people stop saying settee and start saying sofa? We never said settee. Did you not?

What about couch? No one said... Oh, couch, that's an American. Is it American? I think so uh or freudian but um no one said today it's gone just sorry just hit me yeah uh frank you've been talking a lot about your new optician sorry i know like i say i'm not you've had a conversion because i'm gonna go, I'm not, this is not. you've had a conversion

because I'm going to go now. I'm not on a retainer. I don't get anything. I pay for what they've been. No, that's the dentist. Yeah. You even pay.

I do like my dentist. I'm an extractor fan. Oh. He's even, you've even had to pay for the Fred Flintstone silk serrated Gown

Cleansing It's not a gown No, I like to think that comes free with the glasses But I'll be honest with you I was so excited about the whole Cupid's experience I bought a second pair of glasses as a spare Just as an excuse to hang out in there a bit more Do you know what i think

about that and i thought when you get sorry when you get second glasses you think i can go a bit more avant-garde with these oh did you go so i've got like little circular um you know what you know i was saying my haircut i was after um 1920s east european novelist I've gone for that with these little round specks. Hang on, are they a bit Dracula? Gary Oldman Dracula? They're a bit sort of James Joyce-y type, but not shaded. I'm seeing The Little Professor

in Nightmare Before Christmas. Yeah, it could be that. Yeah, Herr Professor. Oh, okay. Well, anyway, you've actually... That'd be a great name for a barbers, wouldn't it? Herr Professor. Anyway, anyway, you've actually... It'd be a great name for a barbers, wouldn't it, here, Professor? Anyway, sorry. You've lured me over to them. I'm going to go to them now. Give them a try.

I like the sound of... You know, because I think, frankly, part of your motivation for going there is friendship. You know I'm not very good at friendship. No, but they're lovely friends for you, Frank. Well, that's the kind of friendship I like. That's about eight minutes of intense nerd chat. Largely transactional.

Yeah, largely. So, listen, I've discovered there are quite a few high-profile people. Because I was, I mean, I was thinking... What, Cubitarians? I was thinking you could be an ambassador for Cubit. Cubitals. Oh, yeah. I know I don't want to be an ambassador for Cubit. Cubitals. Oh, yeah. I know I don't want to be an ambassador.

There's some high-profile Cubitarians. What do we call them, Cubitarians? I'm holding out for UNICEF. Well, the company has 16 shops. Do you want me to mention... Some of the celebrity customers include... Is this like the bit on Wikipedia where it says notable residents? And it says things like Simon Le Bon went to school in nearby Brand Church

or something like that. And then the other entry is a bishop from the 1500s. Yeah, exactly. Right, okay. It's a natural break, so let's have a... A cliffhanger. A... A cliffhanger? A cubitarian cliffhanger. I'm clutching my tote.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you left things on something of a cliffhanger. Oh, yes. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, it was notable citizens of Qubits. Yes. So people who were other celebrities other than yourself. I bet there isn't a 15th century bishop in this.

No, but there is. I'll give you a sample. Shall we guess? Can we have guess one each? Oh, I'd love that. Who are the... Okay, I've got a list here of five of Qubit's top celebrity glasses wearers. Okay. So, give me your best shot.

Oh, I don't know. I'm trying to think. Hazden Blumenthal. Incorrect. Okay. Yeah, he's too obvious. I think his glasses feel a little bit more... They're a bit more from the future.

Titanium. Whereas Cubitt's a little bit more New York library. Yes, exactly. Over to you, Frank. Therefore, Linda Lusardi. No! No, no. If she's on, I would be...

Come on. Matt Smith. No. But I think you can do this. I'm going to kick you off with one. Number one, Prue Leith. Prue Leith. Of course.

Prue Leith. Prue Leith. Number two, Qubits customer, Hugh Grant. Oh. Number three, Alan Carr. They've got the big fish. Don't mention that, man. My son's favourite

comedian shops at Cubits. I'm not going back. And finally, J Blades off repair shop. Oh, oh God. I thought it was going to be Hollywood stars. Well, there are also Ariana Grande and Madonna. Don't get me wrong.

All very nice people, don't get me wrong. Ariana Grande and Madonna. Really very nice people, don't get me wrong. Ariana Grande and Madonna. Really? And Idris Elba also. Madonna goes to Cupid's. Get out of it. I wouldn't help her never turn up when she's in there. What about...

Oh, she seems nice, doesn't she? She always seems very warm. She seems lovely. And she's kept her feet on the ground, Madonna. Yeah, really, really nice. Really sweet. She doesn't look warm. She seems lovely. And she's kept her feet on the ground for Donna. Yeah. Really nice. Really sweet. She doesn't look warm. No. Well, she should wear more. Yeah.

I'm just saying. We'll stop talking. No, she's always seemed like a nasty person. I see. Horrible. Yeah. Frank. I could be wrong, but No. Probably not. Frank, we could be wrong, but... No. Probably not. Frank, we're going to stop talking about the glasses shop now

because we're not getting... We should stress there is no money changing hands. Joe Blades. Yeah. Is he... Joe Blades. I can't remember. Does he wear glasses all the time

or does he put them on for close work in the repair shop? Oh, getting a bit competitive with Joe Blades. Now he found out he's a Qubits customer. Yeah. I'm not in the top five, can you believe that? What a punch in the stomach that is. I'll have to take it up with them on their podcast. Yeah.

Yeah, but Frank, what? Cook's Repairmen. What? Tradies? Gosh. Type of spectacle is very popular with the staff. There is another... Oh, mate.

Hello, you've got... I'm the handyman. I've got your cupboard doors come off. Yeah, come in. Nice glasses, by the way. Nice tote. Thank you, sir. Frank, are you pleased that Trump's back?

Shall we watch the Jumanji sequel or shall we debate whether Trump's a billionaire again? Let's watch the Jumanji sequel. Yeah, but he's back and he's looking good, I think. He's saying mad things again. You can shut your velvet curtains and close your eyes and listen to a rambling, maniacal speech. I thought you were saying that's one of the things he said,

you should shut your velvet. Also, you've imposed velvet curtains on me. I never said I had velvet. Can I just say... They're the law! I'd like to trade shut the front door for shut your velvet curtains. That's good, yeah.

Maybe I won't be saying that. It's borderline. No, it is a bit borderline. Okay, Madonna. Borderline. Oh, lovely. Clive Silas, that England's football fan number one, that's you, has been watching football for 60 years

and doesn't understand what he's been watching is actually an enormous relief. Oh. But it's almost unbelievable. It sounds like I'm trying to be deliberately self... No, I think people find it genuinely reassuring. But it's the most basic. They've switched to three at the back, have they?

I didn't notice, and I'm out the game, and I really care about whether they win or not. A number of people agreeing with you, like Vicky Beale and Sunderland. Frank, I'm in the same boat, Reef Football. I've learnt nothing. Nothing? I've learnt nothing.

It's so funny to, like, imagining someone leaving a football stadium with their team scarf on, just going, I've learnt nothing. No, no, but you would think, as you know, it hasn't been a casual interest for me. It's been a deep, deep passion, of which I've learnt nothing.

But you know the offside rule and things. You don't know nothing. I know... You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You're like good fellas. I know nothing. I, um... You don't tell anyone about how the football works.

You don't know nothing, Paulie. I know the offside rule. I'm not sure whether you can still not be offside in your own half. I don't know if that rule's gone. So the rules are a bit... It's not so much the rules, it's tactics beyond me.

Hey, Frank, talking of football... Do you want to tell me about... Sorry, when I was at the Albion once and a bloke behind shouted, ah, they're getting us on the second phase pick-up every time. And he might as well have shouted something in Swahili. What does that mean? Yeah.

Second phase pick-up. Yeah. Frank, talking of football, you know Gary Neville has joined the Dragons' den? Oh, has he? He's a Dragon now. Well, what they have now is a slot. Oh, because he's a business guy, isn't he?

He's always trying things. And he introduces himself. I love it because I'm a business owner. I've invested in a lot of businesses over the years. He has a restaurant, various other things. But they have a slot now, the sort of temporary dragon slot, where the person just comes in occasionally, so they're not committed to the weekly spend.

OK. And I've got to be honest, you know who I thought were for that temporary slot? What, me? Being a fine skinner. But I don't have a business. Yeah, but you don't have to. Uh-oh. You've done well for yourself.

I can't give these people advice. Remember, I was the man. give these people advice remember i was the man i was the man the first time i wore um a umbrella hat i honestly deeply thought that's it for the handheld umbrella it's finished i i thought maybe i should put all my savings into the umbrella it. It's clearly going to change the world. I'm just saying you've done very well for yourself. You've created your own business. That's my background. I am my own business now.

But they just say, would you like to invest 50,000 for 10% of the company? It's called Qubits. Yeah, but I would have said yes to the umbrella hat. That is my problem. I'd have said, no, can we make it 100,000 investment? You're low-balling me. You're shutting me out of this. Yeah, I do a lot of playing.

I play a lot of accordion in the rain. I think the umbrella hat is the future. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We have heard from Paul in Kingston. Oh, yeah.

Hi, Frankenteam. Significant Anglo-Saxon settlement where many kings were crowned. I know, but they couldn't spell. I mean, would it kill you to use a W? Hi, Frankenteam. After hearing your revelation about the capacity of the theater in hastings last week oh yes footnote these are the kind of revelations you can expect on our show well i noticed on my list of me and pierre are basically on tour starting tomorrow in swindon and then we're all over the place back in town but we saw saw, or I saw rather, the figures for selling the ticket sales and stuff. And I noticed that Hastings White Rock Theatre, the capacity was 1,066.

1-0-6-6. To be even more helpful, 10-66. That's the Hastings Theatre. And I mentioned it to some of my staff and they didn't know what I was talking about. But what I want to know is whether it was deliberately given that capacity. It must have been.

Well, Paul continues, after hearing your revelation, my wife decided to recount the fact to a work colleague. Which is nice. She was very interested to hear that. He responded with an underwhelmed and confused, Oh, right. Where's Hastings?

Unfortunately, the person she told was South African. Sorry, do you want to repeat that in the way he would have said it? How would he have said it? It's a common attitude. How would he say it? Oh, you mean the South African? Yes. Oh, I thought you were pointing out the unfortunately they were South African.

Oh, no. Oh, no. How awful. Unfortunately, the person was South African. Oh, right. Where's Hastings? Okay. Where's Hastings?

I don't know. Something like that. I would imagine with more aggressive. If only William the Conqueror had had to say that. Could still be an Anglo-Saxon settlement.

And unlike Pierre, has little knowledge of British history. So he simply thought he was being told the capacity of a theatre hosting Frank and Pierre later this year.

He's no doubt anticipating the capacity figures for theatre hosting Frank and Pierre later this year. He's no doubt anticipating the capacity figures for another venue this week. Love, Paul in Kingston. Yeah, well... And he says, P.S. Sorry. This is... Can I say, this is in reference to you saying you were

complaining about the lack of the capacity and you were saying how many have we sold? He says I hope the hasting sales have increased. Yeah it was 23% when I looked it up. Don't tell the figures Frank! Look it's it's quality

not quantity. It's true. Anyway. Well I'd just like to finish. Paul says I saw Frank in London before Christmas and I can thoroughly recommend it. I second that. Yeah, but that was, I was at trade.

It just bumped into me. Can I say, I had a lovely letter from the Candlestick Press, notably the Candlestick team, Di Slaney and Cathy Towers. Great names, aren't they? And they make... Have you ever been in like a, I don't know, bookshop, card shop, and you get little thin books of poetry

that you sort of get instead of a Christmas card and it says things like ten Christmas poems instead of a birthday thing? A slim volume. Yeah. But very good way of sneaking poetry up on people, which is a good thing to do. And they said, we hope you enjoy the ones we've picked out for you. So they've sent me some.

It's my birthday next week, all very lovely. And these are the ones they picked for me. Music, good. Trees, football, art, getting older, and rubbish. Ten poems about rubbish they've sent me. So there you are. That's me summed up in a little collection. But that's very kind of you, Di and Cathy. There's a PP signature on it. Oh.

Which is just someone whose signature is K, like they were in a Kafka novel. OK. But anyway, lovely. I love a gift. Do you think the little book of football poems will teach you any tactics? No.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to share something with you and Pierre. It's not a hypodermic needle, is it? Oh, too dark for breakfast. Oh, sorry. You're right. It's too dark for breakfast. Right, it's too dark for breakfast. Too dark for breakfast.

This is from Sarah Russell, because we've been discussing you and Pierre have an upcoming gig in Hastings. You've been somewhat concerned about the ticket sales. Something which you've been sharing openly. Yeah, not concerned. It was a late addition, so I've only just started. I was more interested in their capacity, which is 10.66. Yeah.

So Sarah Russell is a Hastings resident. Nice. And she's got in touch. Midweek. We love the midweekers, Frank. Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, it's Sarah from 1066 Country. Hastings in short. Pierre will know this.

There's a place near Hastings called Battle. Is that where the actual battle happened? It's closer, yeah. It is, yeah. I've been once. I filmed there once. Getting warm. You're getting warmer, yes, exactly. Oh, I love it.

I filmed there once as a child. In battle? No, I think it was Hastings. Oh, OK. It was an episode of Thomas and Sarah, which was a spin-off of Upstairs, Downstairs. Oh, and it was all filmed in Hastings. Yeah.

I think it was John Alton and Pauline Collins ran away together, the servants. And was it filmed or Hastings? I think it was John Alton and Pauline Collins ran away together, the servants. And was it filmed or embroidered? Long-term reader, first-time emailer. This is Sarah Russell. I'm listening to the podcast and I'm getting in touch as 1066 seats will definitely be on purpose. We have 1066 everything down here.

1066 vets. That's the name of a vet, not the amount they've got. We've got 1,066 vets. Very expensive. We have 1066 bakery. Oh, yes. As Sarah says, we haven't got over it. No.

I wish they had that on a brown road sign. When you entered Hastings Hastings, we haven't got over it. No. I wish they had that on a brown road sign. When you entered Hastings, Hastings, we haven't got over it. That would be great. What are they twinned with, Hastings? Somewhere in Normandy, do we think? LPR will know. Oh, twinned with.

It would have to be somewhere else that is a site of a significant battle, surely. Yeah, exactly. Twinned with Tobruk. Yeah. of a significant battle, surely. Yeah, exactly. Twinned with Tobruk. Yeah.

My partner, by the way, bought me tickets to see you for Christmas before you told us to. And we are front and centre. This is in Hastings. Excellent. What seat number will that be? Well, yes, every seat is 1066.

It's very confusing. It's very single-sided, as King Harold would have said. I was going to say, the logo for the vets suggests itself, doesn't it? The dog with an arrow in its eye. Oh, yeah. Leaning back like that. Yeah. Oh, I don't want to think about that.

OK. Cruel. Cruel. Sort of thing Madonna would have on a T-shirt. And think, hey, look at this picture of a dog with an arrow. Oh, boys, I've been meaning to bring this up. Someone has had... Someone's got a birthday coming up.

Big. Imminently. Extraordinary reaction. And someone else has had a birthday celebration recently, but, unlike Frank, they choose not to mention it. No, I want to give everyone as good a chance as possible to get the best gift on the market. Well, Kim Jong-un, I think you're meant to call him.

What do the residents have to call him? It's our brilliant comrade. Great, is he? That's what I call you. meant to call him. What do the residents have to call him? It's our brilliant comrade. Great, is it? That's what I call you. Great helmsman. Things like that. Is it? Yeah.

Nice. There's one... I think we could introduce that on this show. Well, there's one title, which is The Genius Amongst Others. He likes to be called. That's the translation. The Genius Among Others.

Do you want us to call you that? No. Okay. I don't like the idea that there's others. So, uh... Yes, Kim Jong-un's being uncharacteristically generous there. He is, yeah. He's turned...

To be fair to him, he's the pioneer of the short back and sides haircut which I pursue with some gusto. He has been with that for years. Just to produce a note to you, could you make sure to call the podcast, to be fair, to Kim Jong-un? No, don't call it that. He's turned... Someone's had a big birthday.

But he's a bit of a shy guy. Well, we don't know this for sure, do we? The theory is he's 40, is that right? Yeah. The theory is he's turned 40, but he's very... You know the old song, nobody loves a tyrant when they're 40? No, the song was his grandfather.

Oh, you're sorry. He was the old song. He was the old song. Yeah. Well, he's a bit 1950s actress about the age, isn't he? Yes, he's very coy. 39 again. Well, a gentleman don't ask actress about the age, isn't he? Yes, he's very coy. 39 again. Well, a gentleman don't ask a lady her age.

I think he's a bit like that. I don't think he'd like to be called very coy. He hates the Japanese, doesn't he? He's, I think maybe he doesn't tell people when his birthday is because he's worried the other guys in the government will give him the bumps. The only person on the planet who's never worried about being given the bumps.

Because at school we would keep our birthdays secret. Yeah. Because in case you're not aware of this, you'd be grabbed by the hands and feet and bounced up and down for every year of your birthday on your spine, on the base of your spine. Have they used to phase that out now?

I should think that's gone. It was a dead arm equivalent when I was at school. One sort of dead arm punch in the upper shoulder. Just one? One for every year? Fair enough. Still every year. Bombs and candles and dead arms. you think he can't the thing is is that if you regularly preside over

parades of of missiles and tanks and sort of perfectly synchronized dancers you can't claim to not want to make a big deal out of things no you've lost've lost your right to say. We don't stand on ceremony here. Here in North Korea, we like to keep things casual. There's a hundred synchronised dancers well behind you. He says, well, that is the reason that's being cited, is that he feels

he hasn't achieved enough yet and he is a humble leader. So he doesn't like to draw attention to it. Okay. It's an intimidating birthday gift buying process for Kim Jong-un. Margaret Thatcher said if you don't own your own property by the time you're 30, you can call yourself a failure. Well, I remember her saying if you still get the bus.

Okay. She said if you, yeah. So sorry, Frank. You're waiting on. I still get the bus. We all get the, so sorry, Frank, you're waiting on. Yeah, I still get the buff. We all get the buff. Okay, thank you. She never had Freedom Pass dangled over her head

like a tempting forbidden fruit. Boy, yeah, what do you get the man who has everything? Penicillin? Yeah. No, don't get me there. I'm allergic. I'm actually allergic. The thing about KJ is that

I would just be stiff with stress choosing gifts for him. Oh, God, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Well, they... Dennis Rodman, who's... Are they friends? They are. Yeah, he's a un-friend. He un-friended him. he bought his

daughter for her birthday 10th birthday I think it was Rodman bought his daughter whose name I can't remember but he bought a jigsaw with a mermaid on it nice idea

but he also bought her a Where's Wally book and I think in that circle which is a nice, nice idea. But he also bought her a Where's Wally book. And I think in that circle, Kim Jong-un's asking the whereabouts of anyone. It's a dangerous habit to get someone into it. Watch your back, Wally. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Just so you know, 386, for some bizarre reason, there's a piano shop in Cambridgeshire called 1066 Pianos. No idea. Cambridgeshire? Maybe the owners are descendants of some Norman nobles. That's John from Cherry Hinton. It's possible. I think I've been to Cherry Hinton.

Good for you. She's a local therapist. It sounds like she might have worked at the BBC in the 70s. Exactly. Why don't you run it by Cherry Hinton? Yes, yes, she's been working in documentaries for Michael Dean for some years. Very good PA, actually. OK, so we are discussing Kim Jong-un.

Yes. Don't take this the wrong way, Frank. Nothing good ever came of a sentence starting that way, I know. No, it didn't. But I think he might be quite a nice friend for you. He can turn now, can't he? Kim Jong? I think he's fick quite a nice friend for you. He can turn now, Connie. Kim Jong? I think he's fickle as a friend. As an unfriend.

Yeah, but he's got a similar... He might unfriend me. Oh, yeah, you don't want that. No, I think the uncle was actually executed. Yes. Yes. Well, we're never sure of any of these facts, of course. They keep themselves to themselves.

Yes, they mind their own business. It's so secretive, I find. I tell you, what has Kim Jong-un got in common with David Beckham? I thought you were going to say David, but hell. Alice Bands? No. No. Oh.

Hmm. I don't really know. Well, I'll tell you. He saw his wife. Do you remember the story that David Beckham was in the players' bar after a game, and he saw that video in the desert of the Spice Girls? So you'll be there. When Victoria Adams, as she was then, was wearing like a black PVC catsuit type thing.

And he supposedly, this is the legend, he says, I'm going to marry that woman. That's very good. And apparently, Kim Jong-un saw his wife singing on stage and a similar thing. But obviously when he says, I'm going to marry that woman, you start sending out the invites. We'll tell her next week.

It became true the second he said it. Exactly. As opposed to a wistful comment. You know what? The thing about Kim Jong, when he makes the proposal, you don't hang about. Then four blokes headed towards the stage. He said, not Barry, not Barry!

Mary! You should say the four. I would say, you see, that's a particular Venn diagram, Frank. Others in that group, Michael Caine, of course. Oh, Michael Caine saw his wife in a coffee advert on the telly and said to his agent, supposedly, I'll never get to meet her because she's Brazilian. Also very good.

And he said, and the agent said, No, Michael, she actually lives in Ealing. And she was Indian. Also, we have planes now. I don't think we did then. And then finally, I'd like to add to that group Simon Le Bon. Simon Le Bon? Well, where did

he see Jasmine? In a magazine. Oh, really? When I think of the women I saw in magazines at that period, I never proposed to any of them. Oh, Frank. And I felt I knew them well enough.

In some cases, they were already married. Anyway. Any road, yes. KJ. Yeah. So he, we were talking about his birthday, his 40th, which went largely uncelebrated. However, we do know where he was.

There is an alleged date, isn't there? We know it was 1984, and we think it was... Very apt. He couldn't have picked a better date. No, he really... That is up there with the White Rock Theatre Hastings having a capacity of 1066. the White Rock Theatre Hastings having a capacity of 1066.

Yeah, and his birthday is on the 666th of January. So, Kim Jong... Yeah. I mean, I'm mentioning Kim Jong-un more than you're mentioning that optician's Frank. Yes. But we've all got our passions. He might go to Qubits for all we know.

He wears spectacles sometimes, doesn't he? Does he? He does, yeah. What type does he go for? Sort of fairly thicker and blacker. Oh, I like him. He's a goth, generally speaking, isn't he? Yes, yeah.

I would say that that's his style. Futuristic goth. He wears it well. I find there's something a bit Poirot-like about him because he's a portly fellow and in every picture he is inspecting things. There used to be a fabulous website

of his father saying kim jong-il was his father uh yes kim jong-il looking at things it was called well he's only got because his haircut do you know this you know there's only he's got a name his haircut there's only 28 there's regulation haircuts that you can have. There's only 28. Yeah. That's a lot. Do you think so? Yeah. One is his style.

Yeah. That'd do me. Yeah. And it's called ambitious. So if you just would go into the bar and you say, I'll have an ambitious, please. Not ambitious at the front and fun at the back. It was a party at the back.

Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah. You can see posters of the back. Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah. You can see posters of the permitted haircuts. Can you? You can see your little menu. They're opposite the barbers. That happened to me once. I went into a barber's.

He said, how do you want it done? I said, you see that poster over there with me on? Can you do it like that? And he did exactly that. He cut it like it was on the poster, yeah. I think you should try it and say, I'll have an ambitious, please. See what you get.

Yeah, I'm worried about that, in case there's anything on the sly going on at the barbers. Okay. So, he spent his birthday, they think, because we don't know for sure, but if this was his birthday Kim Jong spent it at a chicken farm Yeah, he's got the same birthday

as Elvis and William Hartnell, the first Doctor Who Wow That's quite a party Shirley Bassey and David Bowie on the same day Elvis did live a bit like a dictator towards the end Yeah, there

are Kim Jong-un Elvis parallels. They were parallels. I think most of the time. Kay, shouldn't he go for a boot cut? Yeah. Yeah, Jong-un is pioneering baggy trousers. I think if you look at pictures of him inspecting things

it's a very late 90s skater jeans. I wouldn't mind going to a chicken farm for my birthday. Yeah? Just so I can casually throw away words like gizzard. Yes. And wattle. I mean, it's a lot. He does seem to have a habit of taking his daughter.

Yes, well, this is, of course, the big story. The daughter has become, she seems to have replaced the wife as the plus one, Kim Jong-un's plus one. She's been so far, she's been to four missile launches and a chicken farm.

School trips these days. Oh, wow. And I think, this was the same girl that got the Where's Wally book from Dennis Rodman which who wrote Where's Wally do we know is it American I'm not sure

you know my favourite children's author of course make them up make them up You know my favourite children's author, of course. Make him up a go, make him up a go. But it's not him. Yeah, they think she could be the next, possibly the next leader. Based on how quickly she found Wally. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Also, we could be in a situation where North Korea get a female leader before the Labour Party. Oh, Frank, we've been discussing celebrity birthdays. If you consider Kim Jong-un a celebrity... I think so. He's well known. He didn't used to crop up much in 3am. No. But, you know, you take what you get. You don't want him cropping up at 3am. You know, that's it.

Jason has got in touch with this news. Oh, yeah? It's Buzz Aldrin's birthday today. Is it really? Ah, well well I should celebrate that in some way that's who Buzz is named after it is

good old Buzz Aldrin last seen if anyone deserves to celebrate their birthday with a rocket launch it's Buzz Aldrin exactly exactly last seen on a runway he was doing

some fashion work wasn't he in a silver bomber jacket was boss was lovely multi-badged yeah I think he might have

had a slight lift in the heel but no judgement you know we all embrace a Cuban later in life well speak for yourself Steve Burgess on Twitter points out Poirot and A. Sting's both getting a mention on today's show.

Oh, I see. Yeah, we try to have balance on the show, don't we? Frank, what's your favourite detective? Oh, Colombo. Is it? Oh, man, I love Colombo so much. Even though I know he's done it within five minutes of the start. OK.

I think it's the greatest statement of class difference in any piece of art I can think of, that the whole strength of him is the way people look at a dishevelled bloke from an ethnic minority Italian in Israel and just dismiss him and think, I don't have anything to worry about with this silly little dirty man. And that is his major weapon. Once they think that, they are doomed.

That's what they said about you. It's similar to you. Well, it is the way that people, you know, whether it's their accent or what they look like, we all do it, I suppose. You make the big judgment. But rarely is it used against... Rarely does one's prejudice come back to get you as much as in a Colombo.

Being a Belgian as well, probably quite good for being underestimated. Yeah, maybe, yeah. There used to be a thing, didn't there, about can you name a Belgian when it was sort of a synonym for being boring? Was it? Magritte must have come up.

Yeah, Herjay I think might have been Belgian rather than French. Yeah, Tintin and all that. Okay. We're also getting lots of tackies, sightings being sent in Okay, I'm just chomping on some as we speak You've really started a phenomenon here

Oh, I think it was there before me I merely observe it Stuart Middleton who says normally of Prestwick and Ayrshire Do you say Ayrshire? Ayrshire But currently on the beach in Mexico Stuart wanted us to know...

Make sure you don't get any burns. I found Takis here too. From Ayrshire. Make sure you don't get any burns. Okay. So he's from Ayrshire. Okay. Okay, Frank.

And this week, by the way, on the 25th, me and my son will do our annual thing when we eat haggis and I read Robert Burns and he absolutely laughs his head off. Just likes the sound of it. I mean, it's all gone a bit Kim Jong-un taking around the missile launch factory. It has. I haven't yet sampled the cheesy hexagons or the blue heat cylinders.

No. But I will be happy to report back shortly. That's Stuart. Well, I know, you know, the zombie flavour and, well, not so much zombie flavour.

That would be a bit like having a blue cheese. But I think the original Fuego is still the best of the tackies. Anyway, listen, Sarah Champion is up next.

Do listen to Sarah. And episode three of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast anyway listen Sarah Champion is up next do listen to Sarah and episode 3 of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast is out on Wednesday it's Billy Collins this week do you know Billy Collins Billy Collins is one of America's most loved poems

poets rather and so popular that he had his own channel on American Airlines in-flight entertainment, which is pretty good. Try Billy Collins. It sort of seems simple and then he's deeper. Okay.

You can download it from wherever you get your podcasts. Me and Pierre will be on stage tomorrow night in Swindon and various other... We're at Bridport this week. Yeah. And Salisbury. Where else are we? Chelmsford. There you go.

I believe. Yeah, we're around, so come and track us down. It'll be lovely to see you. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. and the creaks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.