The Frank Skinner Show - Footie Anthem

Episode Date: January 13, 2025

Frank been to a party that Cath hated and Pierre had some challenges to overcome with his proposal. There's also correspondence from the Outside World about The Wheel and Jodrell Bank. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or our roasted red pepper and Swiss pinwheel, starting at only $2.99 plus tax. Try one or try our full Tim's Selects lineup. Terms apply. Prices may vary at participating restaurants in Canada. It's time for Tim's. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that Parshladeo. And the one with the French name. From South Africa came, they're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Welcome to Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the

podcast on X and Instagram. Still alright to use X. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio.avalonuk.com. When Elon Musk? We have gone on about just lately. Are you getting obsessed with him? But I do feel he's the new Prime Minister. If, when he called Ed Davey a sniveling cretin, what you'd normally get in the paper, would people say, what are these social media platforms doing? They should be down on him like a ton of bricks. It's a bit difficult when you own it. Anyway, sorry.

Great news. You know, I've been bemoaning the fact that since we are no longer part of the absolute radio empire, no one knows how to send me GIFs. Yes. I don't mean GIFs. Not GIFs. He gets plenty of those. Not GIFs. I don't want no G Not gifts, I don't want no gifts. You know, well done you can shake it, but I don't want to see it. It's not 2017. You mean tribute. I mean

presents. Booty. A word that's on, presents sounds like my physical present. I was going to say, there's so much ambiguity. Gifts sound like gifts. Oh, what else? What about... Treasure. Yeah, someone sent me, I'll tell you who sent it. Colin Hindle sent me a book called Best Lakeland Views and he sent it to care of Spirit Land and the cool people at Spirit Land gathered around it, shocked that anyone still uses the postal system.

Maybe it got you some hipster credit, like ironically getting packages. Hipsters quite like things like stamps. No, why didn't he send it on Knapsack or something, one of those social media things. Anyway, the Hoboos social media app. Yeah, retro hobo. They need a voice too. Hipster hobo. Yeah.

The soup kitchen got four stars on Napsack. Yeah, Napsack, PayPal on Napsack is absolutely red hot. Can you read this Lakeland views? Yeah, so I haven't got a chance to read the books, it's just the ride. But the good people of Spiritland didn't keep this gift. And at the end there's thank yous. And it says there's many thank yous, including thanks to the Countryside Podcast for bringing Cumbria to life and stuff like that. And then it ends with, and to Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast for giving me the permission to write poems.

Isn't that nice? That is lovely, so I should read that book. We're getting a lot of praise just FYI for your poetry podcast. Oh, yeah. It's the only praise I accept. Yes. Yes, I like that. He's quite strict. I mean, think of me wrong. It's not that he won't accept praise, but he just has it in a kind of Venn diagram don't you? It's niche is the word that's why you can have it. I was talking about this, who was I talking to? Will Nish Kumar start doing like, he's doing big tours and will he start doing little shows in theatres called Nish Kumar when he does more unusual and challenging material. I mean, if you're listening Nish, you can have that. I would go and see Nish Kumar, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Yeah, mailing list tickets first, I'd say. Yeah. It's like, you know, you get the main auditorium and then you get the studio and one financing. He could even just call his work in progress shows Nish Kumar because he's still starting off. He's saying well we don't know where this is going to go. No, but you are reaching out to a wider audience. I'm on about... I think you're taking this very seriously.

I'm just trying to help a fellow performer. Yeah, do you reckon you could sort of do an hour in the studio at 5pm of incredibly specific stuff and then 7.30 show, main house? Yes. Same same venue same day. I'd love that. That'd be great I would love to be able to go just to obscure what what one a TV producer I once worked with used to call very dismissively your esoteric stuff I'd love to be able to do that But I can't do it in front of the 5,000 football fans that turn up to see my show. So I'm trapped. Trapped in my own

reputation. That's not true. You have some of the opera fans. They're some of the... They don't come. They might come to a show that's less than 200 quid a ticket. That's not true, Frank. Who knows who might be joining them if they did that. In the front front rows your opener I've seen a West Brom shirt and an opera cape. I've seen yes on the same No, that's where were we were backstage you received an incredibly Calligraphic if that's a word letter handwritten letter from someone saying you've you From an academic saying you'd changed their view on Wordsworth.

And it was from a relative of Wordsworth. Was it? Oh gosh. A descendant. And you were reading that and then Omar came in and said, there's a bunch of guys on the front row of football kits, but they seem okay. Yeah, the two. So far, we've had best Lakeland views and a calligraphic letter from a Wordsworth.

I like the Wordsworth descendant. You've got to be lonely really, haven't you? I struggle with the descendants. Oh do you? Well you know the children of Bohemians are always treated most terribly. So if you watch a documentary about an artist, yeah not all No, no, I'd go with that. But you watch an artist documentary and then when they talk to the kids they're all really messed up and they say, yeah my father used to and I think, oh you don't know him, you didn't know him, he hated you, the way you held him back. What a charitable world of you. Yeah, well I just think, you know, when someone, they're trying to cash, it doesn't give you any insight because you are related to them.

Their child? Yeah, no, I don't think it does. So you know better. Well, I'm just saying I'd rather have experts and academics than my father used to yeah Sure, I'm about it Extraordinary anyway, that's all I was speaking of football which we just were I Went to a party and I which I don't go to many parties when I go I often go

Because I think I don't want to offend the person who invited me, but I don't go to many parties. When I go, I often go because I think I don't want to offend the person who invited me, but I don't want to go. Yeah. So what I do, I use it like when I used to sign on. I turn up, I be seen, and then I go as soon as possible. So I've just registered my attendance. But it's a bit different when you're invited by the former showrunner of Doctor Who. So I went to Steven Moffat's Christmas party.

And I've been to his parties before and I just, you know, I just, I love all the Doctor Who-ness of it. It's his house bigger on the inside. It does seem it a bit. But anyway, so we got there and it went Doctor Who heavy. Fancy dress? I mean, no, there was no cosplay. But I bumped into, bear in mind I'm with Kath who hates Doctor Who.

I mean who really hates it. And who says to me, she'll walk past the telly while I'm watching it and say, why do you watch this? Anyway, and I, after much nagging, watched the Gavin and Spacey, Stacey, Gavin and Spacey would be here. That would be an interesting challenge for the gay uncle. Oh my god. Finally, the two beloved figures of James Corden and Kevin Spacey are united on screen.

Something for everyone to hate on. I like James Corden. He's a dad at my son's school. No, I know he is but we're just acknowledging the public opinion. But Gavin and Spacey, that would be great because all this thing about what happened on the camping holiday, if Kevin had gone. Anyway, this is a different story, that was a mere slip of the tongue. So you're at the party. Yeah so the first two people I speak to are the bloke that runs Big Finish, the audio

company that do Doctor Who. And can I just establish the audio company so is it just people literally listening to these things? Yes. Okay. Can I remind you this is a podcast? No but what I'm saying is this is a podcast with new material. Do they just do old episodes? Speak for yourself. No, it's new Doctor Who stuff that's audio only. What's brilliant about it, it's a bit like, you know how we used to do a radio show, but as we've done the podcast, because there's no songs and adverts

although I miss the song but we won't go into that and there is adverts this is going well this but we it's a more intense we can ramble more I mean I swore one week you know what I mean I think I said scissoring last week you did yeah so I'm still reeling from it. Yeah. But our souls can sometimes sing more openly. Exactly. And that's what happens with the Doctor Who's.

They leave the TV show, they go into the audio world and do like 158 episodes. And the character expands and they are enriched. OK. Anyway, I was talking to the boss at Big Finish and someone who'd edited Doctor Who magazine for 10 years. Bear in mind I'm with Kath, who hates Doctor Who. These are the first two people out there.

Five minutes into the conversation, we'd mentioned Edmund Warwick. Edmund Warwick was a stand-in for the first Doctor. He was the robot Doctor. There's one scene in the 1965 episode, the chase, where he's standing. We were talking about that. Oh my, that was nice to cap.

I'll tell you how dated that episode was. At the end of it, two of the regular characters return back to their own time on Earth and to check that they've arrived in the right time, they have a look at a tax disc on someone's car. Wow. Anyway, so we went hardcore early. I don't like small talk very much. I like to go in deep. I don't like talking about- Interesting.

You walk straight in, pop on a Christmas hat, Edmund Warwick, and just wait to see who comes to you. Yeah. But Kath was not, really not liking it. And she said, I can't stand this. It's going to drive me insane. We need to talk. Was this before or after the Edmund Warwick chat? No, this was during the Edmund Warwick. She was saying to me, as we discussed to talk. Was this before or after the Edmund Warwick? No this was during the Edmund Warwick. She was saying to me as we discussed these things and I'm fair to... I thought she would mingle and talk to you know some ordinary people. Who? A Cyberman? Yeah no but not everyone there is Dr Who-ish.

Okay oh I was imagining the mutants. Some Sherlock people as well. Oh my god. But anyway, so she said, we're going to have to go, I can't stand this. And I said, oh come on, I can't go to Stephen Moffat's party and not talk about Doctor Who. Anyway, Stephen Moffat, as I say, former showrunner of Doctor Who, who wrote the recent Christmas special, he came over and said, oh god, are you alright? And she said, no, I can't stand this Doctor Who stuff. And he said, no, I understand. Did he? Yeah.

He said, I know it must drive you crazy. And I thought, too brutal. And he said, I tell you what, let's go out for dinner, the four of us, me and Sue and you two, and we'll have a rule that we cannot mention Doctor Who for the whole meal. And I said, the problem is, I don't really want to go out for dinner with you if we can't mention Doctor Who. Frank, that's so rude. Well, he said, oh, is that's all I am then? I said, no, but you know obviously. It's the main

thing. Yeah, it's what you want to talk about. Now I agree with him, you have to do what I believe Tony Adams called Frank, do you remember? Put the ball away. Put the ball away? Yeah. Was it Lee Dixon who said that? Lee Dixon said, Addo, put the ball away, because I'd met him talk about football. Anyway. What would the Stephen Moffat be then? Would it be TARDIS? Yeah, put the TARDIS away I suppose. Put the screwdriver away. So anyway, we left. Kat said

I can't take this anymore. We left and she said honestly, if I never hear another Doctor Who thing in my life that will be enough. And we just turned around the corner and Peter Davidson was coming up the road, the fifth doctor. So I stopped and had a last jab with him. One last,

you know when the referee breaks two boxes and one of them throws a jab just on the break, it was like that. Just caught a one last blow. and we'll give another $100 to a charity of your choice. This great perk and more only at RBC. Visit rbc.com slash get 100 give 100. Conditions apply. Ends January 31st, 2025. Complete offer eligibility criteria by March 31st, 2025. Choose one of five eligible charities, up to $500,000 in total contributions.

I tried the Y for free and I never looked back. The instructors empowered me. One more, you got this. The gym strengthened me. The pool soothed me. And the pick-up games energized me. The Y is everything I needed it to be because the Y is so much more than my gym. Try the why free for seven days at try the why.ca. Anyway, this is a by the by. Because a man came up to me, this was the only time I didn't talk about Dr. Who at the party.

A man came up to me who I didn't know and I'm not suggesting he isn't a very nice man, but he came up to me and he said, ah, he said we've just been having a chat out in the garden about what's the best footy anthem of all time. So I went into my modest, yeah well you know thanks for him and he said no no no yours was second. Okay he said that what won was World in Motion. What won's that one? Well exactly. You know it's the new order one. You got to come from the back, you know that one. Nope. Oh okay.

There you go. I've basically sung it. There's a rap with John Bond. You're a witness. No one's chanting that one, are they? No no one chants. It's never been chanted. That as was in the charts and on the terraces is unique.

Nevertheless. Alright Frank, you're sound a bit desperate now. Yes, I know, but I find that people who say footy don't know anything about football. And if you think, if someone says footy to you and you think this bloke probably doesn't know anything about football, he then backs it up by saying, and the best footy anthem of all time is World in Motion, he definitely doesn't know anything about football at all. I think it was one of these cases where, you know, when people say, yeah, actually, you know, when you watch it now and you study it and you know

about comedy, Ernie Wise was brilliant in that, you know, Eric Morcom would have been nothing without Ernie Wise. That's rubbish. It could have been anybody. It could have took a man off the street to be Ernie Wise. And it's got that about it. So we're Eric Morcom and world in motion is Ernie Wise. Yes. It's being perverse as a personality. You know when people say, I bet Ruth Jones wrote like 90% of it, you know that thing of Gavin and Stacey. Oh yes, yeah.

Because it couldn't possibly be the really famous comedian, successful bloke who did it. So yes, I was, I mean, I'm partly guilty of myself calling my son Barz after Barz Aldrin, rather than Neil after Neil Armstrong. But I think what it's based on is this idea that people think if you're a sort of celebrity, you are sick of people being impressed with you. Yeah. I hate people being impressed with you. Yeah. I hate people being impressed with you. Can I say, if anyone's listening,

nothing could be further from the truth. They always think, oh, I'll sort of get a piece of their memory. I'll live forever in their minds. Yeah. As a down-to-earth guy, if I just go up and say, I hate your music, actually. Yeah. I don't find you funny at all.

While they're thinking, he must be finding this really refreshing. Yeah, are you going to clap him on the back and go, no, this is a guy I can... You know what I think we have to blame for this is the American film trope, where somebody does get spoken to like that, usually a sort of CEO of a company or something, a cruel man. And then he says, hey, maybe I'm wrong. Or he says, I like this kid. Yeah, I like this kid. He tells them how it is.

You've got spunk. They didn't know. And now I think that's what's happened is people think, oh, this is going to work. I'll go up to Frank Skinner and slightly trash talk three lines. It's quite medieval as well. The one, dare speak the truth to the King? You could be my most valuable advisor. No, no, it's when he walked away from me, he actually turned his back, he didn't reverse out the room. I hate it when they do that. Whereas in reality those people were executed, I presume. Immediately head chopped off. Yeah, quite right. You couldn't tell Henry the truth. Well that's what happened to the fall in King Lear. Yes. Non call this and non call that and say oh great he speaks. But he gets hanged at the end. Yeah, spoilers.

Okay. Yeah, you can't hang someone at Stephen Moffat's Christmas party. No, and you can't go up to Henry VIII and say, if I may your liege you're a fat murderer. How dare you! You can't come to me and say that. What's great about that is if that happened in a modern context what he'd be offended by was he'd called him fat. Yeah no one worries about murderers shaming. Do you think he'd say that's really affecting my mental health? Yeah. He would. Okay.

So have we heard from Outsidely Worldy? We've heard from Ruth Jordan. Oh, one of our old regulars. One of our regulars. I don't know if she's old. Hi all. She says, happy new year to all at the Frankhof podcast. It's giving us a slightly Russian vibe, which I'm liking. I started my boxing day listening to Frank's poetry

podcast episode about Dylan Thomas and noticed that Thomas had been something of a visionary, predicting Frank Stubborn, the wheel dance refusal, strapped to a wheel yet they they shall not break. Oh yes. He knew that dance shall have no dominion over Frank. All 2024 praise redacted, here's the 2025. I think that's rather excellent. It is fine. Can I ask a question by the way? we talk about the wheel a lot. Am I right in, I told you on this podcast not long ago, now this could be the memory place tricks, but did I not tell you that when I did the Montreal Festival I was looking for someone to fill me in on Canadianisms and I wanted to run by act. And I went to Justin Trudeau. I didn't know it was him at the time, but he helped me out.

So I talked about him. Yeah, he's gone now, of course. Gone the same way as Dave, Dirty Dave, the wrestler. Gone the same way as Hard Talk. The curse of this podcast. The Isle of Wight Dole Museum. Gone the way of Bluey. Yeah, Bluey, Isle of Wight Dole Museum. On the way of Bluey. Yeah, Bluey Isle of Wight

Dole Museum. But now it's Justin. Everyone is talking about the wheel. Yes. On our chat anyway. Regarding your claims, Frank Don't Dance. Oh yes. Well, Abby, who is a long time reader from Bergamo in Italy, which makes us seem more sophisticated. Bergamo as in what you get in Earl Grey? Seemingly, but without a T on the end. Oh, okay. That could be what they say in Italy, Bergamo without the T. That would make sense for them.

That would ruin the Earl Grey business. I like the sort of slightly sickeningly and sincere way that's said. Yeah, yeah, because they're sick of correcting people. But without the T it sounds like a clown name. Hey, it's Bergamo the Clown! I would watch Bergamo the Clown at the Fringe do some sort of subversive act. And he does his satirical anti-socialite thing, the Earl Grey, who comes on and makes some foolish fop. And Zin-O says, oh, you're going to do some of your esoteric stuff.

Yeah, yeah, he's going to do niche bergamot, that show, and he does his real hardcore difficult references stuff. Anyway, so Abby says, hi, Emily, Pierre and Frank. How many times do we have to hear... I'm a bit troubled by the billing. Oh, for God's sake, Frank. You're headlining that line up. Oh, I suppose so.

How many times do we have to hear that Frank doesn't dance? Frank does dance. I've seen it with my own eyes on Jonathan Ross. He was doing a cha-cha-cha with the fabulous Johannes Radebe. Yes! Oh yeah, well. I submit the following link as evidence. Great to have you back.

Oh, you and Johannes. I was so... So there's a video. Oh, that bromance. I loved you and Johannes. No, well I loved Johannes. He was great. But yes, he did give me an impromptu dance lesson.

It was one of those things often on chat shows they'll say would you mind if you dance with me but there was none of that. I was up. You were up. I couldn't tell him about any of my ailments. You can't turn down Jojo. No, definitely not. You did rather well I seem to recall didn't you? I found his presence did seem to, I bought into his energy, if you know what I mean. He's one of mine? Oh yeah, he's South African. You, Jojo, Elon Musk. What a tea party. What a curious triumvirate.

Me, Jojo, Elon Musk, Kevin Peterson, who else is there? There's quite a lot of, used to be a lot of English cricketers who were actually South Africans. There was a man I dated in 1988. Oh. How old was he? Oh, sorry, I thought you were in the carbon business. Oh, God.

He was charming, actually. Was he? Yes. Charming South African? Frank, he insisted on referring to it as Rhodesia and I don't know if that's a bad thing. Not a great sign. Oh dear, okay. No, I don't think that's a good thing.

Well, we didn't know Frank. Well, I think we did. And Duhan Fandemerva, the top triscorer for the Scottish rugby team. Oh. It's our main exporter, sportsman for the UK's use and Ireland. That's fair enough. They don't want to be out there in that heat. So any other correspondence?

Yes. And this is relating to what is now being called the Jodrell Bank fiasco. Ah, lass. This is a great moment for you and I think we should let him have it as it were. Would you let me give a little bit of background? Yes. Recently on this podcast I referred, I don't know what context it was in, but I referred to Jodhral Bank, the world famous major space bound telescope where we get all our big space information from in

this country. I remember having a card from PG Tips and actually used to get cards of the wonders of Great Britain and one of them was Jodrell Bank. Anyway I mentioned it and Pierre and Emily looked at me as if I was having a slight break. Like when I mentioned knapsack, the social media thing. So yes, I can forgive you for Edmund Warwick, but not Jodhra Bank. So what's been said? I'll tell you what's been said. Horrified, astonished,

disappointed was used by one person. Oh I like disappointed, that's good. That's from a football manager. He'll be disappointed with that. Footballers are more disappointed than anyone else. They're always disappointed. God man, he'll be very disappointed with that. And when they do the post-match and they just say, disappointing. What I miss most about the post-match is the days when they used to drink from a bottle of milk whilst being interviewed. What? Yeah, they'd have a glass pint of milk and be literally swigging it as they did the interview. Were they sponsored? No, it was the idea. They didn't have sponsors then.

Milk was seen as the healthiest thing you could possibly have in those days. So it would sort of reassure. I'm talking about cow milk. Do you remember that? Milk of the cow. I've never forgotten. Yeah. I'm very proud.

I'm not talking about plant-based. No. Yeah. And they would literally swig from the body. I think I may have mentioned before when I did my Charles Atlas course to build me a fabulous body using the dynamic tension system as he called it. Just like getting sand kicked in your face. Yeah, it was literally that.

And there was a series of things you had to do. One was you had to keep two cold flannels, wet flannels in the fridge. And when you woke up in the morning, you had to slap one on the small of your back and one on your genitals. What? Yeah. To get stronger. It sort of picked me up.

Are you sure? Where did you get this? Well, we didn't have coffee those times. But they hadn't arrived. Was this really the Charles Atlas programme or did you find this hand drawn in a sort of alleyway? No, no. It was in a builder's hold. Anyway, one of the things it had was Milk Week. Milk Week?

And that week, you did your exercises, your Charles Atlas exercises. That's the hardest part of Strictly, isn't it? Milk week. They have to down a gallon of milk and then dance around all slushy and full. Oh, it's terrible. Oh no, I hated it. Oh, and Pete Wixxer was coming down his nostrils. Anyway, milk week, you drank eight pints of milk a day for a week and didn't have any

food. And it was supposed to be a real big muscle builder. To what end, we must ask? To build muscle to help you. Look at me. Did it work or did it not work? Hello? No, it didn't work.

Yeah, there was a real feeling then that milk was, you know, the go-to. A pint of a person per day, that was the slogan. But eight a day. I know, but that was Milk Week. Oh, I used to get... That's Milk Week for you. That's the cows version of George's Houses. Whenever you're ready.

Stop trying to make Milk Week happen again. No I couldn't do it now. I'll try Milk Week. Yeah? I'll see what happens. I think I'll go to hospital. You're about the only living man who I can imagine would actually fair okay with Milk Week. God, no your poo was like an Arctic roll. Anyway. Do you want to hear about George Roll Bank? Yes please. Do you want to hear about Pierre and I being humiliated? Yes. Okay. I'm emailing in relation to the recent... Have you got over Milk Week? Sorry, I'll never get over Milk Week. In many ways none of us ever will. I'm emailing in relation to the recent George Rulbank fiasco. It is not, as you

implied, Cockney rhyming slang. I think that's what Pierre said at one point. We know, listen, it'll take a while to get over this. Frank is as a jingle. Yeah. Frank is of course correct. It is a large observatory home to the Lovell Telescope owned and run by the University of Manchester. However, there is one thing Frank didn't mention. It's also where Tom Baker's Doctor Who, you can finish this Frank, met his... Yeah, I think he climbed it.

He met his end. Yeah, he went into Peter Davidson. In the final episode of Logopolis in 1980, this sounds like a lovely friend for you. Yes. He fell off it before regenerating into a former vet and blondehead cricketer Peter Davison. Yeah, who I met on my way out of the Moffat Park. Yes. George Rawbank is also the venue for the Blue Dot Festival, which takes place every summer and features a fusion of live music, science and art. I hope this helps. Who knew that? I didn't know that. I've heard of Blue Dot

bizarrely but only through the comedian Garrett Millerick. His sitcom you were in. Yes, what the sitcom for which I was nominated for best comedy performance in the audio awards. Oh is that right? He hates me now. Who? Because he gave himself all the best lines and I won best comedy performance. I imagine he'll write me out for the second series. I haven't heard from him he must be furious. Mac has also got in touch. It's all gone a bit world in in motion I'm world in motion to his three lions Sorry, carry on Mac has also got in touched equally horrified by he simply refers to us as your colleagues No, well, that's yeah, you can reduce to that now. Yeah, I was shocked. I was yeah. I mean we all have we all have gas

Anyway Mac says I noticed that you did not know though who it was named after. I must admit neither did I, but I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that I've discovered it was named after William Jorderell who was an archer in the English armies in Wales. Edward the Black Prince, is that what he said? In the 14th century. Well it's named after the Black Prince. And an archer. He was an archer. Oh. Who, I presume, did he work for the Black Prince, the archer?

I used to live by the Black Prince's house. Did you? In Lambeth, yeah. He wasn't there anymore. I don't think you can call him that anymore anyway. Anyway, Mac, oh Frank. Mac says happy holidays. I think he's the Prince of Colour.

Oh my god. Um, Mac says happy holiday from warm Bangkok. We've got a Bangkok listener, lovely. Oh, let's hope he lives there. Yeah, yeah, happy greetings from a middle-aged Englishman in Bangkok. Um, thanks. Next! We have this William Joderell. Now thank you for that correspondence. I'm just joking. I'm sure he's a clean living guy.

The Black Prince gave William Joderell a little sick note, a little pass so he could leave England. He could leave to travel to England while they were conquering Wales. Was he nice to Black Prince? Well, he gave William permission to go home for a bit. But outside of that act, have you heard good things about him? Sire, may I have some leave to build an observatory in the north of England? The portents, Sire. They should be clearer. We have the modern

text in translation. Know that we, the Prince of Wales, have given leave on the day of the date of this instrument to William Jodderall, one of our archers, to go to England. Do you know, I love referring to you, I love a we. I think you should stop doing that, Frank. I think you're getting to that status. Of same way now. I think that's... You could have said it at the party. We disagree that that song is the... Hey Frank, I want to... If Pierre doesn't mind, I realized I never found out... You know he told us we had the very exciting news that Pierre had proposed. Yes. But I'm a bit nosy and I want to know how he proposed. Are we allowed to know a little? I think the two, I'll tell you the two funny details, I think, are more of interest to

our listeners. One was, I was at my fiancee, her aunt's house. Oh, of course it's your fiancee. I need to start changing my vocab. Yeah, that's great. I love that word. It's right up there with negligee. I'm not asking any more questions. I'm going to have to get used to holding down the E on my phone and getting the little accent. I think the best thing about being Jay Z was that period when he was able to say, my fiancee Beyonce. I would have just said that every minute.

Never get married. just keep it. Yeah, exactly. So, I wasn't in control of the environment as much as if I had been on home turf. We're going to my, if you will say, aunt's house. And so I was sort of thinking, I've been there once, but only for sort of like an overnight stay, like I didn't see the area around. So I was on Google Maps trying to find a sort of an area of natural beauty or something, or maybe there's like a nice spot for it, you know.

I knew someone who hid the ring in a tree and then said, let's go for a little walk and said, oh, what's that sparkling thing in that tree? Oh, that's good. Like a magpie. Yeah. That's quite good. Something like that. Risky though.

Unfortunately, the girlfriend fell out of the tree trying to retrieve it. Now I made that video. Well that's exactly the sort of scheme that goes through your head. So were you going to do something like that? Well I saw on Google Maps there was a sort of picturesque seeming lake. Oh. And the internet shows you pictures of the lake. I've seen a picturesque seeming lake so I think I will propose there.

Yeah, what you needed was a woman to thrust her arm out of the lake holding the ring. Scuba gear and stuff. Ah, that'd be great. Wearing a red wig, ideally. Yeah, Arthurian. And the pictures of the lake, they're swans, it all looks very nice. I thought, oh okay, I haven't got all the information I need about the lake, but in the days sort of leading up to New Year's, we'll go for a walk and I'll assess it. It was not a good enough lake.

The lake itself, very nice. We like the lake. Beautiful lake. But it was next to sort of a main road and there was a kind of plexiglass bus stop and a kind of tarmac. I was really hoping that this was going to be an image of Pierre fitting the ring onto the ankle of a swan. No, they break your arm. They always break your arm. That's their only tactic.

Yeah. Yeah. If you just hold, you know when a fall back goes in towards a winger with his hands behind his back to avoid handball? If you approach a swan like that, they're absolutely scoppered. Helpless. They don't know what to do. And then you just kick them in the stomach. So the lake... It's alright. The king doesn't listen to this. No.

I think he... Does he own every swan in England? Yes, he does. He does. in England. Yes, I believe so. He does. He does. And dolphins if they are in the foreshore. Really? If a dolphin washes up, it's Charlie's. Is that right?

Yeah. Okay. I don't know what he does with them. Well you better walk though. No. It's none of my business. So what happened in the end? So we walked past the lake and it was this bus stop

and cars going, and I think he puts them on the wall and where the air hole is, he puts that over a light switch. So they're a sort of a big fish themed escotcheon. And that's, he uses that as his fitment. Or he could sort of pull the jaw down like that. Exactly, exactly.

It's a bit dark. It's a bit dark in here. Or he could sort of pull the jaw down like that. Exactly. Exactly. It's a bit dark. It's a bit dark in here. What about it as a backpack? And you get everything out the hole. Or like tissues? Just wet wipes? Yeah. At the top of the dolphin. Or you could hang it on the wall and use the air hole as a thing to put your tea towel in. They'd rot though, wouldn't they? I suppose you could Scotch guard them.

What about the proposal? Oh yeah, the proposal. So the lake was no use. We walked past this tarmac pavement and a bus stop and cars going past and a bunch of slightly unsettling kids throwing bread at the swans over arm. Nothing about this is romantic at all. No. bread at the swan's over arm. Nothing about this is romantic at all. So I thought, bloody hell. So I thought I'll have to just do it in private. And it was sort of in the morning in private. I was like, we'll sort of wake up.

Was this New Year's Eve? It was actually the day before. So I thought, okay, I'll do that. And then I sort of had that privately in my head. But because I genuinely achieved 100% surprise Which I think it could in a way be a mistake if anyone's listening you almost sort of want it to be like oh We're going to Paris. I'll get my nails done Because then they might be sort of help you out a bit But because I had achieved 100% surprise as we were going to bed the night before my fiance said Oh, I've just got my friends traveling in the Far East So I'm just gonna Skype call her tomorrow morning to catch up. And I was like, are you?

Right. She said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you know, and I said, can't you do it later? Could you do it later than that, please? And she was like, no, cause the time difference. And I went, of course, the time difference. How silly of me. And so I had to wait for the sort of hour 40 minute phone call. I'd be worried about a hundred percent surprise. A hundred percent surprise is the bedfellow of complete shock. You want at last this natural thing, this organic progression towards our engagement has been fulfilled. No, you don't want them to say, what the hell? By the lake? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, why didn't you take me to the lake? Yeah, I love the bus stop by the lake and its plexiglass graffitied walls. So what's that sparkle coming from the corner of the bus stop? Does that dead dolphin have something in the hole? Don't look at it yet. Swan gizzard. That's a town in England called Swangizzard. So did you go down on one? You don't have to tell us this. I know it's a private thing. It was accepted, the proposal. But the other funny detail. Can I just say that's the most fabulously Pierre response. It was accepted. It was accepted. I have been annoying my fiancee by saying, she wanted information on, when did you get the, you know, she wanted to know the whole lead up to it. So what did you say when

you went into the, to the jewelers? I said, and I annoyed her by saying, well, I went in, I said, I wish to purchase a woman. I need your help with this, the dowry. And she doesn't like it when I say that. Well, I look forward to hear about how the men engagement ring will be presented. Oh yes, on a stake. Like men we, the only thing I'd planned properly was someone had very wisely said to me, plan something for afterwards. Cause if you propose and they say yes, then you, there's a bit of what now. Yes. Once you've processed it and discussed and whatever. And we went for lunch and, uh, I'd written in the, you know,

they do any other information on the booking form. I wrote on the booking form, if all goes well, when we show up for this lunch, we will have just been engaged. Because I thought, oh, maybe they'll put a thing on the table or something. We showed up and sort of no acknowledgement of that as we walked in and I thought, oh, maybe they don't read the information or it's the gap between Christmas and New Year, maybe they're not really on it. And then we sat down and I think maybe the waitress, she saw the ring or you know it's it's the gap between Christmas and New Year maybe they're not really on it and then we sat down and I think maybe the waitress she saw the ring or she kind of realized or I don't know but she sort of clearly went off to check or said something to the manager

and then the sort of the manager came over in a sort of blazer and said so we're celebrating something are we today and we said we said yes yes and showed him the ring and he went oh congratulations that's lovely can I get you some drinks so we said, we said, yes, yes, and showed him the ring. And he went, oh, congratulations, that's lovely. Can I get you some drinks? So we said, champagne, please. And he went, lovely, I'll be back with your drinks. Congratulations again. And we went, oh, never saw him again. Did the champagne arrive? It did, but from a different person. And there was nothing taken off the bill at the end. There was no special treatment at all.

He'd probably had a terrible marriage and couldn't even look at you That's why his knuckles were white when he said congratulations. Yeah shaking Anyway, it's a lovely story Again, we repeat our congratulations and The reception will be at Todrell Bank It's a frank skinner podcast back. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at AvalonUK.com