The Frank Skinner Show - Four Person Trifle

Episode Date: November 9, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has met someone whose job has always fascinated him and played a gig in Birmingham. The team also discuss the world’s second tallest man and Alun has a question about lip balm.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning. Morning. Good morning to you. Yo. I morning. Morning. Good morning to you. Yo. I sometimes say yo.

Do you? Yeah. Well, you knew this about him. You knew this was one of his quirks. Is there no yo sushi got its name? Do you think the sushi was delivered to someone's house and they went yo? Yo.

No. No, okay. Worth a try I always think This is when we get a lot of people Al at this time who've been to a Frank Skinner show Have you had some of those?

Several in the Friday night troll You know I troll through the emails that we receive on a Friday night I don't do it manually on Friday night I just troll back past tense. It's a retrospective activity. Some people have a view of you sitting

here in the studio on your own. I think they think that I issue Friday evenings for myself. I mean, I'd be so impressed if it got in here and you'd been in all through the night. What I did last night was a stand-up comedy gig and then ate sushi and

trifle in a hotel room. Yo! Yeah. Sushi and trifle. Well, you know, I was hungry. Do you know what? I lived with a woman who was, when I say lived with her, in halls of residence

when I was a student. Cheapskate. Shall we move in together, darling? She was from overseas and we were talking about if we got money, what we'd spend it on. And she said, I'm obsessed with trifle. Oh, really?

And she said, I just love it. And I said, I don't really meet people our age. She said, and I think in her country it was quite, she said, you know, in my country, there's people, it's not really available to us. Right. Oh. And she went on about how much she loved trifle.

And I thought, anyway, it was when I think she said something along the lines of trifle broadens the mind that I realised she meant travel. Oh! But it had gone. I bet we'd done a minute and a half of complete misunderstanding. Very good. I was thinking she'd have been really cock-a-hoop

if she'd seen the supermarket shelf I saw yesterday where there was loads of reduced trifles. Didn't even need the money. I've only ever really seen the trifle on the reduced shelf, if I'm honest. It feels like... Did you think they start there? It feels like a very reduced shelf. I'll just say this.

Would you not say? It said on the label serves four. Didn't last night. You didn't have a four-person trifle. I certainly did. Wow. To misquote Oliver Harding. Absolute animal.

I certainly did. Did you just get the big plastic bowl and dip your spoon straight in? I got a spoon from the hotel, yeah. I don't bring my own spoon. Do you know what? Small amount of respect. Thank you.

I travel with a runcible. I think Pierre's very nice. No, it's very handy if you have one. I always have one in my bag. Are you going to tell us what a runcible is? Well, a runcible spoon is what you would now call a spork. Oh, yes. Was that Owl and Pussycat?

Did they make that famous in their rap? Yeah, but it means if you go to sport you can eat almost anything with a spork it's you know it's got and you do travel with one

yeah I travel with one in the back very good because you know that thing when you stop at the services and get something and then you're in the car

and think oh no don't have a spoon oh fork yeah my mate's mum I remember she came round, because my mum used to make these trifles from the packet. And my mate's mum said,

oh, I'll get one of those. And she came round and she said, I couldn't get it like yours. I wonder if I've had it in the oven too long. And the top of it was just burnt. Different times. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was going to read you an email about your Symphony Hall show. There's a little praise, but I'm going to just redact that as I go along.

Yeah. Hi, Frank. As part of my forthcoming birthday week, can I just say, they've spelt forth, F-O-U-R-T-H. Oh, did it? It can't be that. Giving the illusion that this may be a three-year-old. Oh, yeah.

As part of my forthcoming birthday week, I was able to see your show last night. Haven't laughed, oh, there's some praise there. We were having a discussion to, they didn't say haven't laughed, they said haven't laughed so much in ages I should just clarify well you know when you're working with comedians one has to

what about that man that said to me last week you kept us thinking the whole time not my intention what about that guy who said to me oh I saw you at Latitude I said oh oh, okay. He didn't.

He changed the subject. I thought, no, you can't. Awful praisegiving. Or what about, no, I've had that. I've had, so I read your book. Yeah, I mean, that's no good, is it? Don't even bring it on. There was a pause, but you know how I dealt with it?

So I read your book, and then there was a silence, and I went, oh, that's so kind of you. Thank you. You're too lovely. Oh, you shouldn't have. And then they feel as if they've praised me. Hmm. Okay. And so do I.

That's good. It continues. We were having a discussion as to whether you went straight back to London last night to be ready to present the show Saturday morning, or if you stayed in beautiful Smedwick and journeyed the next day. Also, did you get to visit the Birmingham Oratory while you've been here to pay tribute

to the now St Cardinal John Henry Newman? Much love, Jonathan Hollis. Well, yes to both of those. I was driven back through the night by my tour manager, Omar. Hello, Omar. And yes, I went there last week to pay tribute to Saint John Henry Newman. What about the Venable bead?

I mean, it's difficult because they don't know about each other at the moment. What a joy! difficult because they don't know about each other at the moment. What do I enjoy? And, you know, it's just, it's so it's just, you know, juggling to, I'm always, the phone goes and I'm just frightened, I don't know which one it's going to be. You know, George Best with two lovelies. Do you know what, Al? I left here last week and I still

couldn't believe that Frank had said to me, I went to a theme park and then followed it by saying it was the venerable bead was the theme of the park i mean did they have roller coasters they didn't they had rare breed um animals oh yeah we just thought that was one of the things they did have some they had a sort of playground and i don't want to make you venerable bead themed playground so you could go on the slide but you have to translate a chapter of saint john's gospel into old english if you

had to choose between venerable bead and who's the most recent character al so john henry newman yeah um yeah jhn as i call him who would it be? It's very I mean John Henry Newman is a saint you know so B but B Yeah but he's venerable He's a key

issue in Anglo-Saxon I'm I'm gonna Isn't John Henry Newman only recently a saint he's just in Yeah I know

but he's a Birmingham guy as well not from Birmingham but he did a lot of that was where one of his main HQs were Right I think he lived but he's a Birmingham guy as well. Not from Birmingham, but he did a lot of... That was where one of his main HQs were. Has he got a theme park, though? He hasn't.

And what I would say is I can't imagine a John Henry Newman theme park happening. I like the idea. Well, the Venable B is stretching it. The Oxford Movement Cafe and stuff like that. I don't think that's going to happen. I'm going to say I read more bead. That would be a good T-shirt, wouldn't it?

Yeah. In fact, if I ever write a rap, it's going to begin, I read more bead. Would it be the first ever rap that mentions a venerable bead? I don't know. 8, 12, 15. Oh, that would be the way forward. Oh, God, we should have ended it.

I fell at the end and I realise I'm still speaking. Sorry, everyone. Friendship on Absolute Radio. So, oh, when I did this, oh, sorry. Well, we just have had some news in. I think it's not really news. It's Venerable Bede-related news. Okay.

This is from Pablo's Vault of Horror. We've had the first ever on commercial radio, Venerable Bede news flash. As a fan of superheroes and Benedictine monks, Frank might like to know that the Venerable B appears in Avengers Endgame. Part

of Thor and Rocket's subplot were filmed at Durham Cathedral, final resting place of B. And B's tomb is in shot. Is that? Wow. No one needs to check that out.

Yeah, me too. Oh, no, I don't. I've watched that film and been to Bede's tomb. Wow-ee, I've done neither. That's like, you know when you say, oh, hold it, that's that Laundrette from across the... Look, look, look, quick, quick. It's like that.

Frank, you get so excited about that. Imagine me in the cinema going, look, B, quick, quick. It's like that. Frank, you get so excited about that. Imagine me in the cinema going, look, Beats, that's Beats 2. Listen, I did BBC Breakfast this week. Did you? Which is a programme we always have on in silence in the background. Now, you might think that suggests we're not focused on the job, but if something really big happens, it keeps us, you know,

like if somebody big suddenly died or something, it means we could respond. Or, you know, not mention them or something. Or not mention them. Exactly. Or try and find a jingle that is apt. We partly need that because we have a running feature called 85 and Still Alive. Yeah.

We've got to make sure. It needs regular updates. It's when we're just not quite sure. Yeah. Anyway, there's a thing thing when you do a show like that you do what they what they call a phoner where one of the researchers phones you and says like no and just make sure that they're not gonna go anywhere dangerous in the conversation and just gets all the facts clear you know you're on tour and and you you know you i was i was plugging my

my west end run you see and i, I had the conversation with the researcher. I was on the top of the Great Tower at Conisbrough Castle. Oh. Which I felt a bit bad about because there was people that had come to see the castle and there was a bloke, you know, on the phone. In his media chat. Yeah.

In his 90s Don Jolly. And there's a website date for people who want ticket and all that i mean it was pretty but anyway i did it now one of the things i don't know if we've ever mentioned this on air but one of the things i've i'm utterly fascinated by by bbc breakfast is when they go through the papers they don't just hold up the paper there's a thing which i've come to think of as story garmy oh yes they fold the paper so that just the story is even if it's quite a small story they'll fold it so you see a lot of folded paper behind it and they're holding up this tight and it looks like it's been ironed raises sharp edges it looks odd frank it looks like a doll's house paper. There's something unsettling about it.

Sometimes you see the tip of a shaky nail. So, yes. So I was on there and I said, look, can I ask you about... You did. The Dory Garment. You didn't ask about the paper. I said I'd love to know.

Is there a person whose specific job is this? Actually, it's time they got their respect. They've been folding up bits of paper in the wings for years. Yeah, and some shows. I mean, I've seen people. No one else would ask them that. That's what he's bringing. I've seen people hold up, you know, on other shows,

like photocopies of stories, and people who can't find the story in the paper embarrassing, you know. But these guys, they've got the beautifully folded one. My real praise. And so I said, so who folds your newspapers? And Dan Walker said, oh, that would be Faith. I'll introduce you. You've got to have faith.

Yeah, exactly. Folding Faith. So I met her. Of course, the first thing she said was, yes, I do do other things on this land. And I was slightly disappointed to hear. But yeah, so I've got my photo took with her. So maybe we can put that on social media.

I'd love to see that. Holding faith. And the woman who who gets them into lovely like a do you remember there was a thing

called the mill wall brick sorry the producer has absolutely lost it there was a thing called the mill wall brick

when you could fold a newspaper into a thing that you could use as a weapon for football hooligans I didn't come across that in Highgate

no and she would have been great at that if things had turned out differently for her as a weapon for football hooligans. I didn't come across that in Highgate. No. And she would have been great at that if things had turned out differently for her. But here she is on BBC Breakfast. It was special anyway. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were driving back from Manchester because BBC Breakfast happens in Manchester.

I don't know if you're aware of that. Oh, yes, yes. Salford, isn't it? Yeah, Salford. Technically not Manchester, but it'd be churlish to point it out to you already. Marky Smith used to point it out in more or less every interview. That's a nice person to have things in common.

God rest his soul. Yes, exactly. So we were driving back, and I'd done a gig in Manchester on the evening at the Opera House, and then we'd done the BBC Breakfast. And as we got past Stoke, we got coming up to Stoke turn-off, and I suddenly remembered that half of the Staffordshire Horde is at the Potterist Museum

which is another Anglo-Saxon find so I said look we need to go off the motorway you didn't so yeah we went there oh man it was fabulous I mean can you imagine these people going on tour I know Elvis would probably make diversions but I suspect it wasn't

it wasn't for the Staffordshire Horde I don't know if he was into filigree Elvis would probably make diversions, but I suspect it wasn't. It wasn't for the Staffordshire Hordes. Was he the Staffordshire Hordes? No. Well, I don't know if he was into filigree. But it was amazing. And honestly, I was utterly elated by it. Really? And to celebrate, we went to TGI Fridays in Stoke.

Oh, that's nice. Lunch time. I mean, Monday lunch time. Lunch time, dear. And I hadntime. I mean, Monday lunchtime. Lunchtime, dear. And I hadn't been in one of them for years. I was so happy. It's still braces and badges all around.

I thought they might have changed there. I don't think I've ever set foot in a TGI Fridays. I've been to one with... What you talk about with a fact. Wow. I'm not averse to it, if you're offering us a show night out to a TGI Fridays. I've been in once, I think, to one in...

There used to be one in Covent Garden, which is the most touristy thing, I think. I mean, I think that's the most touristy cocktail possible is going to the TGI Fridays in Covent Garden. It's a place where you can still get turf and surf. Ooh. Yeah. I think it's the other way around, but yeah.

Is it? Surf and turf. Yeah, I mean, it's the same thing, isn't it? Yeah, maybe I've got it the wrong way around. Do you know what? Yeah, but you know what? That's your Descartes. Hey!

And we've all got one. Yeah. We've all got one. Ours is Descartes. Mine, Al, do you remember mine? Yes, Vimerana. Oh, I thought you might remember. What did you call it? Oh, there you go.? Yes, Vimerana. Oh, I thought you might remember. What did you call it?

Oh, there you go. I called it Vimerana. Okay, yes. Vimerana, Descartes, and Turf and Surf. I mean, of course. Here we go. The terrible thing about this, I mean, this is why I ache for you, Emily,

on this, is you've become our dog person, having been the person who got Vimerana wrong. I know, I know. Redemption is possible for all, Frank. You're a Catholic, come on. Good point, good point. How was... Yeah, Al's doing a philosophy degree next year.

Yeah, and I'm opening a fast food restaurant. Turf and surf. I heard you were off for dinner with Hashtag Dorco. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. As we now call Richard Dawkins. How was bonfire Night with your dog? Absolutely disastrous. Okay.

He is not a fan. They don't like it, do they? They don't like it. The Catholics or the dogs? No, the dogs. This is where me and dogs finally are in the same Venn diagram. We're in the Venn. Yeah, we don't like Bob Fire Knight.

He didn't like it, so I calm him by showing him David Attenborough, because that genuinely calms him. Is that right? It's odd. It's the voice as soon as he hears, but this one will not be so lucky. Do you think? He gets horrifically excited,

because there's something sociopathic about animals watching other animals. It's odd. He was watching those seals fighting. I've never seen him so elated. Really? The excitement on the face. You just think David Attenborough's got a sort of Dr. Dolittle element that they can understand

what he's... Honestly, as soon as he hears his voice, he doesn't have it with anyone else. He's transfixed. Yeah. And he stares at that screen and he watches them fight. I mean, I can't watch it. It's too traumatic. It is upsetting, some of it, isn't it?

Those horses falling off the cliff? No, thank you. He's a ghoul, David Attenborough. He's a ghoul. I've watched your animals tearing. It's got worse. I've seen lions crawl up on and not gone, look out, never, just let it happen. I mean, how can he intervene on that?

Oh, come on. It's one thing not to intervene to video it. There was one moment this week, and I thought, it said, with four orcas chasing the penguin, it stood little chance. Now, come on. Oh, no, that's horrible. I don't want to ever hear that in my lifetime.

Four orcas sounds like it could be a Too Ronnie sketch. Doesn't it? I tell you what I always think about on Bonfire Night, when they say they don't like it, the pets, look after your pet. There's a monument to animals that went to war in Hyde Park. And the caption on it is

they had no choice and I always think well just as well because if they don't like bonfire night the chances of them opting for the battlefield over that nice rug in front of the fire is slim

so it's just as well they had no choice it's a bit monkey in space, I'm afraid. Exactly. Dog in space. The dogs are in the back of the plane moaning about conscription. They had no choice. Don't give them medals.

That's what I'd say. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Okay, we've got Mikey has been in touch. Mikey! 283. See, I think of Michael Holding, they always call Mike, you know, the famous fast bowler.

I only know that because of the rude things. He sounds more like a midfielder to me, Michael Holding midfielder. Well, I know that because of the infamous... Oh, yes. His nickname was Whispering Death. Oh. Oh, that's mine now. Mikey, who is keen to point out in parenthesis

that he's a Southerner. OK. I think he means south of England, not... Yeah, posh, or do like them grits. Morning, Frank. With reference to the correct order of phrases, i.e. turf and surf. Yeah.

Frank just said turf and surf, and Alan and I were cruel about it. Yeah. I'm in a constant battle with my work colleagues over the well-known phrase bacon and egg, which they insist should be egg and bacon. Is it a North-South divide thing i wonder there's a way of testing because we have people representing from the top to the bottom yeah start with frank

skinner bacon and egg or egg and bacon you know what i think i'm egg and bacon um but that might be because i'm a cricket fan and i oh oh no, I'm not even sure about that. I think they call, if you're an MCC member and you wear, this is completely wrong because it's actually egg and tomato. We'll start that again. Can you do that again, Paul? Live, you say?

Oh no, I wouldn't have said that bit. I like that our boss is actually called Paul. Oh, that's true. Okay, so you're egg and bacon. No, I'd say egg and bacon, yeah. I think it's because I like the eggon at the beginning. It's a bit like egg and rona, yeah. Adam Cochran.

Well, Frank is wrong. It's bacon and eggs. I'm not even going to compromise on it because... But it's been a good run doing this show. Is it? So you've gone alphabeticalical order basically okay and i think that's just the common parlance if you may uh indulge me in that phrase i think it's the common parlance so this turns me into the simon cowell figure with the casting vote well i don't like the rhythm of bacon and eggs it's bacon and it bacon and... It's an unhappy sound

in the middle. I'm alright with unhappy sounds. Would you? Acclimatised. That's enough about your act. He was always

going to do it. Oh, yeah. Please, would you like me to have the casting vote? Okay. Well, look. It's got to be bacon and egg, Frank. I'm with Al.

It was a brave move of me not to go with the boss. But I'm afraid, you know... She just used an egg in the singular. Al went eggs, I noticed. But egg and bacon, it's the rhythm. Bacon and eggs. It's the rhythm. Listen to this, bacon and eggs.

I know, and as I mentioned last week, I know when Backpuss goes to sleep, all of his friends go to sleep. But Emily still loved him. Exactly. But it is in this instance, I am, I'm afraid, going to have to say that. Look, I respect your right to order these foods.

Order? Incorrectly. Oh, incorrectly. I just, I think, I'm just saying that mine is more poetic. Good night. Oh, sorry, I've got a, let me see,

I don't know if I've actually got, Oh, here we go. No, this is, that's all I had as a jingle. I've just got a venerable bead update that I just thought of. I was at the Parker Library in Corpus Christi College, Cambridge this week. Gosh, yeah. And talking to the librarian, Alex Devine, or was it Devine?

Anyway, very, very nice man and he um he but i never met him before and he's you know he's a cambridge librarian it's quite a formal occasion and he allowed me to turn the page to actually touch the pages of a um a copy of Bede's Life of Cuthbert, which was owned by King Athelstan. Wow. I remember when you were happy, when you'd get to go back and meet Cilla Black. I know, it's all...

It's all changed. And he let me... And a few other... I mean, the earliest available or existing copy of the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. And at the end of it, I said, look, I know this is a bit weird, but can I hog you? I said to the librarian. And he said, yeah, that would be okay.

And so I hogged him. I was just so happy. I just had to hog him for showing me these books. Just no talking. Exactly. When they show you the book i hugged him very quietly when they show you the books do they wear the gloves no oh and he said there's no need for that that's just a who do you think you are conceited i thought because at first

it was in the glass case wearing yours i knew turned up wearing yours, hadn't you? You'd worn those rubber gloves. Yeah, I wore... Frank and Furter. Yeah. He looked like Rocky Horror. I actually wore a couple of Hawking gauntlets. But when he showed it to me at first, it was in the glass case, and I thought,

I was still beside myself with excitement in the glass case, but then he opened it out and said, you can touch it. Wow. Oh, my goodness me. You can believe your luck. I was beside myself. I mean, I love the venerable bead. He has been getting a lot of air time this morning.

Maybe I'll lay off the VB. No, I don't think we want to ever lay off the VB. However, I would like to allow our readers to join in with some VB info. This is from 231. Delighted to hear the venerable Bede getting so much airtime. Yeah, he's not on commercial radio that much. No. No, I think he was on Smooth FM this morning.

My son is called Bede. Wow. And I think this will really clear up the pronunciation for people who are keen to pronounce it B-day. Oh, well, they're just being... aren't they? Yeah.

Oh, no. So, no, it's definitely Bede. Yeah. Yeah, I can... we can hear by... I mean, there's no Weimaraner moment in this beat. All right, surf and surf. We've got to get T-shirts with those three things on. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the... email? There ought to be a thing called the email.

Email, yeah. It's a thing that you can do where you use as many calories as when you run a mile. But you just have to use some sort of vape. A computerised treadmill or something. Yeah. Email the show. It will come. It will come. It will surely come. As I think Eno said in the King's Lead

Hat. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Your interest in history hasn't gone unnoticed Frank. We've got an email here. Frank's visit to Connersborough Castle. Is that how you say it? Connersborough?

Yeah. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I know how much you all heart news. We do heart news, don't we? We've got T-shirts saying, I heart news. Yes, so I thought you might like to know that Frank's visit to Connersborough Castle made it into our local newspaper.

No. The Doncaster Free Press. As well as referring to him as TV funny man Frank Skinner, they also said he was a lovely chap with a keen interest in history. Apologies on their behalf for the praise. We don't mind praise, we just don't read

it out specifically, although I did then. I mean, I love praise. I just think when one repeats praise it's a bit grand. Michael continues, having lived in Connersborough for over 20 years, we kind of take the castle for granted as it was always the easy option for school trips.

Also, it's a good job Frank visited last week as the road to the castle is now flooded. Oh, although I could have arrived on some sort of barge. Like an inflatable raft. I'm thinking something a bit more Norman, you know. Yes, I'm seeing you on something a bit more sort of, yeah. I'm seeing some Viking contraption. Have you seen Bunting?

I've definitely seen Bunting. I thought you were. Who is he? Basil Bunting. I have to say, Conningborough Castle, it's a bit recent for me. It's Norman. Is it?

Although the land was originally owned by Harold Godwinson, of course, of Arrow in the Eye fame. Good info. But it's brilliantly done. go to some amazing places yeah and you go to the sort of little museum bit and you think oh dear it's one of those waxwork dummies with a very badly put together viking and stuff like that um but um uh that's not the orvic center actually which has got some great vik. But this, it used like a, they projected sort of comic book images

of characters who'd lived at the castle and they talked to you. So they were projected on the wall of the castle. Nice. And all sorts of, well, that's really well done. I'd recommend Conisbrough Castle. I think someone who didn't like history might come out of there thinking, oh, more interesting than I thought.

Yeah. Except for that bloke on the top of the Great Tower doing a phone at a BBC breakfast. TV funny man Frank Skinner as he'll be later described in the Doncaster Free Press. And what was Chris Evans one always?

Mad Cat Broadcaster. I love it when you're... Yes, Frank is TV funny man often, but he's also Three Lions. He does often get... Yeah, you get a bit of that. You used to get Brummie Comedian. What about us once introduced as the Comedy King

from the old ballroom? Oh, nice. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. At Doris' Away asks if compote is pronounced like Truman Capote. I would have said Truman Capote. Is it Truman Capote? I would say Truman Capote. Is it Truman Capote? I would say Truman Capote. It's Truman Capote and compote.

Oh, correct. As in compost. Doris is away. I'm afraid you're incorrect about compote. Oh. Okay. Sorry. Anyway, thanks for joining in. Thanks, Doris.

I could be wrong, of course. It's happened, I think it's happened three times now in 11 years. We've also, boys, had some news in. I mean, I say news, it's a matter of opinion, really. Re-bacon and eggs. Oh, yes. Martin Gardner says, if it's a sandwich, it's egg and bacon.

But sans bap, bacon and eggs every time. How do you feel about that? I think he's right. Well, I'll tell you something about that. That's my... That's my... If someone said to me, you can have either bacon and eggs or eggs and bacon, my choice would be on bread.

So maybe that's why I favour egg and bacon. I see the egg as the necessary tax I have to pay on the bacon. I like the... That moment when you bite into the fried egg and you think, is this going to be a sturdy yolk or am I going to get hot fluid now? Oh, it makes me sick. No, I like that. No, I only like a hard egg.

I like an exploding yolk. Okay. That sounds like one of your venerable bead characters. We also, Al, we heard from someone about John Simm. We had an email in. You were discussing John Simm. Yeah, last week I was saying I met John Simm, the actor, and he's really, really friendly and nice,

and we were chatting, and then I told him I was a massive Doctor Who fan, and he hugged me and walked off, which was a good ending to it. And then I think you had a story also about John Simm. I met him at a Halloween party recently. Ah, yes, yeah. Now, Wayne has emailed the show.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Since you were talking about John Sim during the last show... I wish he'd dropped us a postcard about this instead of an email. We could have done the Sim card joke. Oh, good. Nice. A few years ago, I was at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield for a costume sale. Nice idea, isn't it?

Of course. Mainly waistcoats. Welcome to the Crucible. Waistcoats and nicotine-stained glasses. Mice coats with horrible sponsors patches stitched on them. Sponsors, don't they? And maybe a coach driver shirt, short sleeve shirt.

I don't mind sponsors, you know, sort of in general. I don't love them, but on a waistcoat, I wish they would do that. You don't like them on a tennis outfit either?

No, no, that's also true. Anyway, back to the Crucible, as Arthur Miller said. There were all sorts of miscellaneous clothes

worn by... Fenrir will be, he probably said as well, he's probably doing his breakfast in one. There were all sorts of miscellaneous clothes worn by supporting cast on the cheap rails, but then there was a special

rail with costumes worn by famous actors. Those went for a pretty penny, and I didn't have the budget for them. This isn't me, this is Wayne, the correspondent. No, but you would think that. It overlaps with my mood. So, imagine my surprise when I discover this. I love it when people ask you to imagine their surprise.

I'm imagining it. Frank usually does. When you say that to Frank, he goes, OK, hang on one minute, please. A little imagine. Have you imagined it, Frank? Oh, yeah. Okay. Imagine his surprise when he discovered a suit on the cheap rail

that had been worn by none other than the great John Simm. Not just any suit this, it was his suit worn for a 2010 production of Hamlet. Surely a mistake. It really should have been hanging on the expensive rail. Definitely. I must bring it to the attention of the sales assistant. Or, dot, dot, dot, I could just buy it.

Quickly. Yeah, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it. I paid 20 quid for John Sims' Hamlet suit. There had to be a profit in that, I thought. I'd put it on eBay as soon as I got home, expecting it to go for a few hundred quid. Nothing, not even a cheeky low bid. It was karmamer I suppose.

So it's still in my wardrobe hung next to my own suit. I like the idea that they have one. Yeah, one suit. Hung next to my own suit. Now I've got two suits that I don't need. Now they say Hamlet suit. Is it like a modern day

production? I'm guessing, yeah. Or is it actually like a Doblet and Hose? No is it actually like a doblet and hose? No, it's not a doblet and hose. I like those two hanging side by side. It was clearly one of those, you know, as I always call it, Coriolanus in a leather jacket and camouflage trousers. Yeah, right. It's John Simmon and Armani or Paul Smith.

I suspect Hedy Slimane, one of those. Nice, yeah. But yeah, I mean, Frank, that'd look nice on you, that suit. I just think, surely, John Simms' Hamlet suit should have been... Well, he was wearing, at the Halloween party, I think it was the Batman suit. Oh. So, you know, that might go for a...

Top man. Having said this, we have to move on now. But I went to see a play this week and went backstage to see my friend who was rather marvellous in it. That's a bit weird. My friend? Russell T Davies was in the bar,

former showrunner. So I know Russell. Did you say hello? Oh yeah, we hogged and chatted. But Arthur Darville, who played Rory in Doctor Who, was also there.

And you know what? I lost my nerve. Because I've had a sim moment and when John Hurt went, ha, ha, and walked off,

I just couldn't, I couldn't. I wish I'd been with you because I wouldn't have had a clue who that was. You don't know who Darvillis? No Shame on you

I want to talk this morning by the way I meant to mention to you because I know you're a fan of any work done by the world's tallest or shortest individual well i think since we've been doing this show which is um over 10 years it feels like the world's tallest man shortest man tallest woman that they've been regular that you know they're newspaper favorites yeah and i mean i keep on top of that intel, as you know. I like to keep on top of the world's tallest man, of course.

Well, let me help you. Sultan Khosin is the current world's tallest man. Yeah, good knowledge. Eight foot three-ish. If anyone's interested to know... Eight foot three-ish? The Guinness Book of Records let their standards drop. Well, I don't ever trust them quite on that.

No, he is Guinness verified. Just in case anyone wants to know the shortest men, you may be aware it was Chandra Bahadur Dagi until his unfortunate death in 2015. The title then passed back to Junrei Bala Wing, who'd inherited it. Can I say, Emily's not reading this. Can I just point that out?

Who'd inherited it off Kegendra Tapamaga, who'd previously held it. Okay, thank you. No passes. Good knowledge and excellent pronunciation. Emily's on the shorts. Yeah, I love the shorts. There has been a new...

I mean, he's in that ballpark, Al, isn't he? Because he's eight foot. He's not Guinness verified. What I like about this is I can't remember a story that's been in the papers about the world's second tallest man. No. And I like this. As you know, I call my son Buzz because I like the idea,

Buzz altering the second man on the moon. There's someone a bit cooler almost about being second. Yeah. And his name is... Go on. His a bit cooler almost about being second. Yeah. And, his name is, Go on. His name is Shia Khan as well. Yeah.

Yes. Which I like because I appreciate Rajad Kipling has been sort of temporarily cancelled. Has he really? Yeah, I believe so.

That's on, I was going to say, that's on just some great stuff. I know. And read the short stories. Fabulous. Anyway, but Shia Khan, which is Lion King, literally, I guess, isn't it?

Or Tiger King? Shere Khan's a tiger, isn't it? Yeah, it's lion slash tiger, though. Can be used for either, I think. Is it George Sanders who does the voice in the film? Absolutely brilliant knowledge. Who was married to Jar Jar Gabor? Colonel Sanders.

No, Jar Jar Gabor. One of the first fast food gay marriages. He was actually married to Jar Jar Gabor. Was he? Jar Jar Gabor used to say darling with a K. And then he married her sister several years later. He never. Yes.

He never did. No. Anyway. Ava Gabor, who was in Green Acres, popular American sitcom. I call this a weekend with Frank and Em. Yeah, exactly. This is what it's like.

Imagine being able to put up with this constantly. Poor Kat. I don't need to. Sorry, everyone. Alan just said, I don't need to. What's worrying me is this has occurred to our readers that they don't need to either. What's worrying me is this has occurred to our readers that they don't need to either. Oh, we're awful.

That's the theme tune to Green Acres. Oh, we are awful, but I like it. I tell you though, can I just tell you the story? Of Sheer Khan? No, the Green Acres is quite a clever idea. It's Venable Bede in it. It's woman marries very rich man, and then he decides that he wants to give up the world of high finance

and go and live on a farm and all that. Oh, yeah. She hates it. She's all, you know, it's very like, Emily, if you'd played it now, Emily could play the wife, because it's all about, oh, my heels are sinking into the mud, and all that stuff. So check it out. A great theme tune.

Okay. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We were discussing the 8 foot tall Afghan as the news headline. What a dog that was.

It does make him sound like a dog. It's a person. I feel like it's an unfair headline. And also it's tautological because it calls him a giant eight foot tall afghan. Can I tell you what? Is it wrong?

I was a little disappointed when I read eight foot tall afghan. I thought I'm having that. Yeah. Turned out it wasn't a dog. You were probably picturing yourself walking around a green with them. Walking, riding

with a saddle. Anyway, this doesn't happen every day, but there's something I have in common with this, the world second tallest man. He said he's a big cricket enthusiast as it turns out. Yes. He loves the cricket. I'd have thought, you know,

there could have been a fastball in Korea for him. I wonder if Anton Dufrakenpoint was a cricket fan. Was he the... Which one was he?

He was the world's tallest man in 16th century Germany. Oh, no, he wouldn't have been then. He didn't exist. Okay.

What about... You know about pop stars. What about... Daniel Lambert was Britain's fattest man, I think, in the 18th century. He used to be a... You know the fattest man in the 18th century and I know the tallest man in the 16th.

What does that say about us? I don't know, but we need to... The fattest man in the 18th century was probably easy, comparatively. Yeah. Sure. Well, I don't know. The rich are always with us. So Shere Khan had a bit of a nativity story in many ways.

There was no room at the inn. Yes. Oh, yeah. He went to... Now, here's the thing. He went to Lucknow in India. Now, when I hear the word Luck lock now what is my first thought which famous celebrity was born in loch now oh anyone oh don't text him because no um no okay very close though cliff richard

Okay. Very close, though. Cliff Richard. Ah! I didn't know that. Okay, I like that. Now, if I had a hotel in Loch Nell, what would I call it? I don't know.

Loch Nell Further. Loch Nell Further. It's got to be, hasn't it? It's got to be Loch Nell Further Hotel. That is good. But he couldn't find a hotel, I mean, because he was too tall. No, he was too tall. What kind of a rejection is that? One local referred to him as suspicious.

I think that's unfair. What did they suspect? Was it like one of those things, you know when you watch cartoons and that, and there's two kids and one sits on the other one's shoulders and they put a big overcoat? Did they think it was a person trying to get, like two people trying to get in for one. Suspicious seems, I mean,

surely the very nature of his physical mass, you know, makes it impossible to him to possess the furtiveness and sneakiness that's implied by suspicion. Yeah, he's not going to be approached by MI5 and saying, can you do some spying for us? Unless it's just looking through people's bedroom windows.

Shere Khan, we're discussing. Oh, yes. Not the... Can I ask a practical? How tall are you, Al? About six foot three, I think. How are you on aeroplanes generally? Have you got enough leg room and stuff?

Oh, not always, but, you know, my struggle is real. I don't like to bang on about it. Think about Sheer, though. Oh, he must be having a nightmare. Eight foot, Frank. What is the brace position for him? He must be like a Cumberland sausage. Yeah.

Yeah, he can't be easy. He's got to go over again, hasn't he? One fold won't be enough. That's right, yeah. He'd be... Could he do a forward roll without taking his feet off the ground? No.

Even the world's strongest men, as you know I've shared a flight with, we stayed up. They sometimes have to book two seats. Oh yeah, we discussed that, didn't we? Because they can't fit into the one. So, Khan, I think he'd need the full three

in the central aisle. Why is he a problem in a hotel? Because it's his lookout if he's, you know... He's a very good lookout, actually. He's a pretty... That's one of the things that lends itself very well to you. Surely he's the job he should be.

I don't know if he's... Has he got a job? I mean, can you make a living from being the world's second tallest man? Good question. Well, Salton Cozen... He certainly could in the 19th century, but those shows are not so common now.

Frank says with his usual those days are over, sadly. No, no, I think that's for the best. I know, but thanks for that, just as my beard is growing. I've just got to that age. My brother-in-law is 6'7", and he says he struggles in a lot of hotel beds where his feet stick out the bottom. Oh, don't they?

So, you know. Cold toes. But Sultan Khosun, who is the world's tallest man, and is officially recognised by GWR. Did he say, think yourself lucky? No. No, he said,

I'm quite glad for all this attention because hopefully I will now get famous and meet a lady. Who said that? Sultan Khosin. Oh, that's the world's tallest man. I love that honesty. He just put it out there.

Yeah? Well, I guess we all thought that when celebrity came along, but we didn't have the courage to say it. He probably thought no one would hear it up there. The difficulty is, well, I guess we all thought that when celebrity came along, but we didn't have the courage to say. He probably thought no one would hear it up there. The difficulty is, though, if you're so tall you can't find a bed for just you, it's going to be difficult for, like, if he meets the tallest woman and she loves him, they're going to have a nightmare.

But he won't go out with the tallest woman. I suppose they'd probably end up at castings together. Or the world's strongest men. So I'm getting all my categories mixed up. the tallest woman. I suppose they probably end up at castings together. Yeah, maybe. The world's strongest men, so I'm getting all my categories mixed up, I'm mixed with so many, but the world's strongest men particularly chose the shorter women. Did they really?

Because they make them look hench. It's like holding, what can I say, the betting shop hen. Yes. You know, it'll make the hand look bigger. I was so curious how they all choose each other. It did occur to me, it's a shame that the tall man couldn't get in the hotel,

because he could have had a lot of fun with the little cans of Coke from the minibar, couldn't he? For a photo, climbing to be taller. What I want, that's really... I'll tell you something, though, the robe would become a bit sexier than usual. The robe would become more of a bralette. Oh, no, that would be a crop-top robe.

Crop-top robe, Cher. Yeah, yeah, all right, all right. I've heard it. I've heard it before. Frank, the belt on the robe would be a sort of Jodie Marsh turning up to a premiere in the 90s. Can I just say also, apparently he was so desperate and distraught, he obviously went to the police station

to ask for help, begging for help. They offered him a police escort to a hotel, which, I mean, how many bikes did that take? I imagine they just walked him, did they? No, I think they had a police escort. I mean, can you imagine? It would have been like a motorcycle display team. You know,

and they'd all go on each other's shoulders with the arms out. Oh, brilliant. But they couldn't really hide him, I suppose. He's looking over the top of them. Well,

there was a crowd of, there were hundreds of people turned out to see him. They couldn't put a blanket over him like it's a murder trial. Everyone's still going to know, oh, it's the tallest man

with a blanket over his head. people say, oh, the tallest man, and he says, actually, it's the murder trial or everything. Everyone's still going to know, oh, it's the tallest man with a blanket over his head. People say, oh, tallest man, and he says, actually, it's the second tallest. What I would have done, if I'd have been the hotel, you know those glass lampshades that are like a bowl? Yeah. I'd have put the fruit in that,

like in the giraffe house, for him to eat, for him to eat out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. for him to eat for him to eat we were discussing the 8 foot tall Afghan man who went to the cricket but was too tall to find a hotel

there's the hole the hotel they took him to that's pretty much it I'll tell you what he'd be good for in a hotel. Have you ever been in a hotel and you get that gap at the top of the curtains and you can't find a way of closing it?

Oh, yeah. When the light comes in, he can get up there and just close it. What can I just say? Can I just say I saw a brilliant life hack for that gap at the top of it. You know you get those coat hangers that have got, like, grips on them so you can hang your trousers.

You can put those on and hold the curtain together with those two grips. That is a really good... I like it. That is lovely, Frank. Very good. Saw that on that internet thing. Lifehacks.com, yeah? No, I just... I don't know where I stumbled across it, but there it was.

Well, I suspect we'd been talking about it. I'd probably told you, and then it popped up, like these creepy things do. We don't like it when that happens. Well, I'm not as tall as Sir Sher Khan, but I am tall, and I think there are benefits to it. I think it's easy for him to look on the negatives like he couldn't get a hotel room.

But I was in a supermarket the other day and a lady called me over. I walked like half of an aisle. Legend. She was a, I'm going to guess, a pensioner lady and she said, can you reach up and pass me down those frozen I passed her down a couple of frozen fish dishes that she was going to

presumably microwave or heat later and I felt really good about myself did she say young man? it did occur to me no I think she looked at me and thought he's middle aged I'm not even going to push it I had a spring in my step

and maybe Sher Khan rather than focusing on the fact that he's gone from room to room from pillar to post perhaps he could

offer to put up some Christmas decorations on a tall tree or change the bulbs at the floodlights at the cricket or something rather than

moaning about how 200 people are gawping at him. I don't know he's going to make much money putting up Christmas decorations in Afghanistan. Or India. Yeah. True.

Fair enough. I think that's... I mean, I'm all for encouraging small businesses, but I don't know if you could call these a small business. I was interested or intrigued to find out about the hotel he stayed at because I thought, well, presumably presumably this must have had unusual facilities, you know, compared to all the other hotels in the area. If it was the only hotel that the police would take him to...

You could put a single bed on the end of a double bed, couldn't you? Would you sleep like that? Well, I think needs must if you're eight foot two. Yeah. I'll tell you what... Well, I found out about the hotel, Frank. So I just wanted to say, I did needs must if you're eight foot two. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Well, I found out about the hotel, Frank. Oh, yeah. So I just wanted to say, I did look up some info about Look No Further.

Okay. I won't name the hotel. Actually, what Look No Further might be is the website where you find hotels in Lucknow. And rather than an actual hotel. That's a good idea. It's like compare.com, looknofurther.com. Okay. I looked on looknofurther.com and I found the hotel in question

because I thought there'd be a sort of fairground if you are taller than this sign, you can stay here, no problem. That would be a good system. Yeah, or something. Or the beds would be especially tall,

but no. All I could see was a review saying very worst person sitting at reception. Now, I hope that wasn't a reference to Shin Khan. No, I'm imagining that's the employee. Well, I hope so. But also, very worst person sitting at reception. Well, he's only the worst out.

How many were there? I mean, I need this review to be in context. If there were 40 people on reception, I might stay in the hotel. Do you see? I guess it means very worst person, brackets, in the world is on reception. There's a real horrible person.

Oh, I see. Who's very worst person in this room? Now? Yeah. Oh, don't. That's a difficult conversation. I think it's fair to say definitely we should

have it on air definitely me what if we want the show to continue showering would be a problem of course isn't there for sure come on

you don't want to be looking down on the show ahead ever well I'm slightly taller than the shower in my en suite I like the way

you say it I think that's I'm aware it's not a problem that anyone's going to I can imagine a song beginning with that I'm slightly taller than the shower in my en suite

it's got a sort of groovy English thing this is a strange story but Sol Campbell's agent showed me around his house. And he just was saying, every moment, en suite. Another en suite. And then we have a fourth en suite. And downstairs there's another en suite.

So I realised he was very proud of the en suite. Yeah, of course. Sol Campbell's manager. Can I just say, I was at Sol Campbell's manager's house in a business capacity? In case you were thinking it was a late night soiree. No, I never thought that. Legend! Not for a second.

Was Cher there? Cher can't? Oh, no. Not Cher, obviously. No. What about if you said, I've got Cher coming to a party, everyone excited, then it was him?

I think that for me, I'd be more pleased. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about this for an email? Hi, Frank ML. This will appeal to Frank as a follower of the Nazarene, Alan's thrift and Emily's common sense of things that will make her sick.

Big opening. It is. Love you already. Confident. I just saw, brackets on Friday the 8th of November, this came in last night, two early 20s girls on the bus getting fully stuck into the chocolates in an advent calendar!

Oh, wow. Sickos. We were the row behind, so I was close enough to see they weren't even opening the doors in the right order, just happily opening window 9, shoving a chocolate in,

and then window 23, dot, dot, dot. I can't go on. I hope this makes the troll praise, etc. Prisoner 970, Cannonbury. What do we make of that kind of cavalier attitude? You fine with that? No, I just like Canterbury. Oh, okay.

They, I mean, they have broken every rule. Every rule in the book. The only way I can forgive this is if there was some kind of orange sticker on the advent calendar saying, reduced, eat me now, and they were compelled. You don't get many advent calendars that say

eat me now, do you, in November. To me though surely that is one of the pleasures of adulthood is the buying, I mean I often do that I sometimes think I can just it is that I can have ice cream as my dinner and that's it.

Yeah. I can do what I like. Yeah, but I mean, for example, I wouldn't eat, I don't think I have ever in my life ate an after eight mint before eight o'clock. Yes, but you're very rule bound and fearful, oddly fearful of authority in some ways, which I think is due to the padre figure in your life with the priest. Maybe, but also because I like being struck over and over again by someone I can trust.

But, you know, that's different. I, I don't know, I think why not just buy a chocolate bar or something? Why buy an advent calendar? I get that. I would do that. Really?

Yeah, I see the gay abandon in it and I respect it. It's kind of tearing down the system. Well, yeah, I wonder if they saw it like that, these women. These women? They probably just took it off a child in the street. Yeah. Wouldn't be surprised. Okay. it off a child in the street. Yeah. Wouldn't be surprised. Okay.

They're all going to be reduced soon anyway. By the way, on the subject of Shere Khan, we haven't mentioned that he was going to the cricket match. He was going to India West Indies. India, Africa, or was it? No, he is Afghan. He's Afghanies and India Afgan or was it he is Afgan but he supports India imagine

as soon as I read this story I thought oh imagine you've got your ticket for India West Indies and Shere Khan comes and sits in front of you we don't often discuss human rights on this show, but... We don't, you're right.

Who's human rights? I think we're about to find out there's good reason for that. How can you observe? How do you observe the human rights of both Shere Khan and the person sitting behind them? How do you solve that conundrum? How do you solve a problem like Shere Khan? Tune in next week on The Moral Maze. Obviously, I do you solve that conundrum? How do you solve a problem like Chico? Tune in next week on The Moral Maze.

Obviously, I don't normally use conundrums, as I'm Catholic, but... I... What do you... Who is in that car? The person who's bought that ticket can't be right there behind them. Would you say something?

What can you say? Well, this is what I want to know. Can you be less tall, please? Yeah, but I think you would say something I would say could you buy you know though you know when you're driving and you get your turn in a sharp bend sometimes and you get those circular mirrors can you get a pair of earrings mate that have got those mirrors on so I can still see the match I'd just say look I'd have to go I think he has a

responsibility to give you the option of motorcycle police display team because at least if you're on his hear me out yes I would sit on the shoulders well they can jump on like everyone else.

Motorcycle display, he could get 12 aloft, I reckon. But Shear can't not probably also obstructing the person behind the person behind him, if you know what I mean. I mean, they're expensive tickets for these cricket matches. So he has to just sit on the very back

row wherever he goes. I'm afraid he has to be on the back row while I'm watching it on telly. He's on the back row of life, Shear. Well, I hate to say it, but I think he's got to go back row. It's an absolute... If he goes back row by the aisles, he can stretch his legs out right down to the pitch. Couldn't he just get himself a pint and go outside the ground,

lean on the top of the main stand and watch it over there? It's hollow. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have a question for you guys. I sort of see this show as being an opportunity to ask people that I trust to not tease me if something is a thing. You know when you see something and you think,

is that a thing? You know that's a thing, isn't it? Wondering if something is a thing. Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah. Okay. I don't wear lip balm. My wife sometimes wears lip balm that I think is disgusting and so occasionally before giving her a kiss goodbye I'll say, have you got that lip balm on? And if she says yes, I will kiss upon the cheek. I'm not a lip balm wearer, but I saw somebody on a tube, a woman putting on lip balm the other day, and she took out the tin of lip balm,

and I expected her to dip the finger into it and then apply the lip balm with the finger. Sure. What actually happened was she took out the tin of lip balm, looked at it, and thrust her mouth into it. Is that a thing? No, I've never seen that. Is that how we administer? Absolutely. Monster. I mean a thing? No, I've never seen that. Is that how we administer?

Absolutely. Monster. I mean, in a moment, I immediately decided I couldn't be married to you, love, because that's going to be loads of lip balm on your face. I'm just wondering, what's that woman been doing with her fingers, that she would rather do that

than use them to apply the lip balm? But on reflection, is it actually sensible of her? Because she's not getting a greasy finger in administering the lip balm. But on reflection, is it actually sensible of her? Because she's not getting a greasy finger in administering the lip balm. No, but I honestly... Well, the hands are filthy. She's taking it on a hammered and a mountain approach. I think that's what it is.

I think she's thinking, I don't want to put... You know, maybe she's just been, I don't know, strangling an animal. Yeah. And she's thinking, what if you stroked a dog? No offence, Emily, but after if you stroked a dog? No offence, Emily, but after I've stroked a dog, I always want to wash my hands

before I eat. So if she's just stroked a dog with both hands. Well, I would say those who, if you put your hand, far more germs is on a handrail.

And then he's got a door rail. And on a dog? Yeah. Many more germs. There's more germs on a handrail than on a dog's full. And on a dog. Yeah. Many more germs. There's more germs on a handrail than on a dog. You're not going to get

a cold virus from a dog. Well, you know that they always used to say there's more germs on a chopping board than there is on a toilet seat.

Bottom of the handbag as well. That's why I do most of my culinary preparation in the bathroom. So if you touch the bottom of the... It's good for bagels.

Yeah. Touching the bottom of a handbag is worse than touching... The bottom of a horse. Of a shih tzu, I would argue. Is that right? Yes. My shih tzu doesn't lie prostate on the bathroom floor where various people are in and out.

No, I suppose that's a reason, yes. Just my plummet. I was thinking you meant the inside bottom of a handbag. And I thought, what's in there that causes that? But I can honestly say I've never seen anyone do that in my life.

This one was too far away from me for me to see how well administered the rest of her makeup was, but I can only assume it was an absolute nightmare. She's thrusting her face into mascara and... Well, I think I'd be very uneasy watching her apply lipstick. People are stepping to me and some people are agreeing. Hi there, guys.

Alan should worry more about his beard than the germs on dogs as it's been scientifically proven that beards are dirtier than dog fur. Scientifically proven's a very bandied about phrase. It is, yeah. Also, I've got both a beard and a dog, Peter, in Bexley Heath. I've got a dog with a beard. Well done, you. I've got a combine harvester, big wow.

Oh, have you? What's it like bulky I thought it would be very bulky 891 has said that's how I put my lip balm on

so it's it's not just unless that is he's sure he didn't say oh my poor he's a he's a he's a pockering

a pockering expert that's what he is I the thing is with if you put it on with your finger, then someone else could, you could say to someone, do you want some lip balm? And you could have a dab as well.

That's a good point. But once you've gone in mouth first, that lip balm can only be used by you, I would say. I agree. I don't like it. If you said to me, if I said to you, do you want some lip balm? Imagine if I put lip balm on you. It'd be gross. Kath puts it on

wounds and rashes and things like that. Oh, does she do the Vaseline? No, she uses lip balm. It's lip seal. Oh, I don't know about that. No, I don't know about it either. James Duffy has tweeted us, Glamorama Jim, at Glamorama Jim, I once sat behind Bernard Breslaw at White Hart Lane.

I only ask. I really love you, darling. If you're not familiar with Bernard Breslaw's work, Frank, explain. He was, I tell you, I would begin by watching Carry On Screaming when he plays the sort of, the ego type assistant to, Lovely suggestion. Fenella Fielding. You could follow up with Carry On Abroad,

where he plays the sort of hapless husband, and I believe camping he might do as well, I've heard from Only By. Yes, he did. But his catchphrase was, I only asked. Yes. And he was a tall man.

He was. So James Duffy sat behind him at White Hart Lane. He was, is a big fella, and his frame obscured the first third of the pitch for me. When he says was, is, 85 and still alive? I think... What are we going here, guys?

I think we might be post-Breslau. 93? I think we're living in a post-Breslau range. Are we in 94 and no more? I think we are post-BBreslau. 93? I think we're living in a post-Breslau range. Are we in 94 and no more? I think we are post-Breslavian. Alan? I don't know. Okay, perhaps...

I'll let our readers tell us. I've got a bit of knowledge on my sleeve on this. Okay. Serge Gainsbourg did a song called The Initials BB, which I think was about Bernard Breslau. I bet it wasn't. He didn't. He did.

He did. What about these people that visited the British Museum just because of you? It was actually Bridget Bardot. I was being facetious. Carry on. What about those people? So did he say anything to Breslau? No.

I don't think he did. See, what can you do? The bloke's not doing anything wrong by being tall. Yeah, he's just existing. Live and let live, guys. There ought to be some. They only ask. You could also go and get a booster. Would they give a booster to an adult? Then the person behind you needs two boosters.

Yeah, that's behind us. That needs three. You know what we need? Rake theatres. That's a good one. Excuse me. Yes. I have asked for a booster before because I'm short.

Okay? I mean, I'm no Kegendra Tapamaga. No. I'm somewhere between Kegendra Tapamaga and Chandra Bandai Dangi. Okay. I would say... What, in the who's who?

In the heart stakes. Yeah, in the who's who. In the dictionary. In the who's who. Chandra is one foot four, I think, or one foot seven, maybe. Okay. But we got a booster for Buzz. Do you remember

it, Josie? Yeah, but for children, you're all right. But will they dish them out to adults? I've had. Faye is shaking her head. She's arsed, I believe. I used to work in a theatre and we wouldn't give them to adults. That's not very interesting. Faye has actually spoken on the radio. Is this a sacking or a pay rise?

It's a new era. I don't know what to make of it. It's all gone a bit TFI Friday. We've had some lip balm criticism sent in. Oh, yeah? I hope not. Hi, guys and Mr Frank Skinner. Lip balm is unfortunately addictive and dries your lips up. sent in. Oh, yeah? I hope not. Hi, guys, I'm Mr Frank Skinner. Lip balm is unfortunately addictive and dries your lips up,

so you need to keep using it. Do you see? Now, you see, my partner, Kath, is obsessed with lip balm, and she does use it. She uses it in the summer as well. Yes. I get to this time of the year,

and I get a kind of a, oh, my lips feel a bit sore. Me too. Maybe I need some lip balm, as if it's never happened before. And it happened last year and the year before exactly the same. Me too, fam. It's actually the same time. I've got some called Louisville Lip Balm, which I bought in Louisville, which has got a picture of Muhammad Ali on it.

Oh, right. So I'm going to use that. Does it float like a butterfly sting like a bee? I hope it doesn't sting like a bee. Oh yeah that's true. They can get birds bees that's nice. Although bee sting lips are like a thing aren't they? Yeah bee stung lips. Oh yeah

that's an attractiveness thing isn't it? Is it though or is it one of those things that glamour models have done? And then people don't like anyone. I'm not condemning them as a species. Species? Not for me. I like species.

I use hemp lip balm, more natural stuff. Hemp? Yeah. Bit of a progressive character. I seem to remember. One of those progressive people. Keith, I think he used to use hemp there we are Keith

I think it was a bit of an illegal ground bait for fishing I have an idea it used to drog the fish I can imagine our Keith I just hope the authorities don't hear this I mean it was a long time ago but I suspect historical crime and I suspect he had his blood wound pig

going off in the background you couldn't really do that then unless you... Because people didn't have mobile music devices. Didn't you have the ghetto blaster at that stage? I don't think it arrived by then.

Okay. Anyway, so this Tracy, she is, she uses, I mean, I'm sorry to shop at her to the authorities, but she uses hemp lip balm. More natural stuff, although natural lip balm can still dry out your lips but I think they use perfume

on lip balm to make it smell stronger. Which is why I went cold turkey seven years ago. Cold turkey would do it. Tracy Craig. Nice and crazy. Yes. I would prefer that. Would you? Have you ever used lip balm in your entire life al i've i think i've tried it by accident because of kissing my wife and it's on her lips and then i go

yeah that's romantic yeah exactly it's um it's a difficulty but we're working through it and what do you think of this we were talking about luck Lucknow, and Frank had said, we were talking about Shere Khan trying to find a room, the tall man. Frank, you'd suggest that he call it... Lucknow Further, for the name of the site you went to. 553 has suggested, what about the You're In, Lucknow?

You're In, as in I double N. Oh, yeah. You're In, Lucknow. You're In, Lucknow, yeah. I think that's an elegant hotel title. I may have complained on this show before about once staying in a hotel called My Hotel, and if you can't find it,

you feel a fool going up to people and saying, do you know the way to My Hotel? No, that is, that's difficult. Infuriating. I do love that Elton John's autobiography is called Me. Yes. If the cat fits, the glittery top hat fits. I do love that Elton John's autobiography is called Me. If the cat fits, the glittery top hat fits. It's really one of the great autobiography titles of all time.

And it's meant to be one of the great autobiographies of all time. Is it really? Yes, we need to get on that. Interesting. Well, let's have short readings from it on the show every week. Sounds like fun. That's our next reading club, maybe. We need one. We've never had a reading club, have we? We did once, a Robert Harris book, don't you remember reading club, maybe. We need one. We've never had a reading club,

have we? We did once, a Robert Harris book, don't you remember? Oh, yeah, but I don't think it went on air.

No. No. So, thanks for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks

don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Get out.