The Frank Skinner Show - FOURFIVESECONDS

Episode Date: March 26, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. Frank has a teeth based revelation and is eating healthier. The team also discuss Boaty McBoatface, Rihanna and 90's gossip!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show today because we're not actually here at this specific place in the space-time continuum. You can follow the show on Twitter, however, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We'll read the stuff eventually. But, you know, I'm on a beach.

So, I'm not, but, you know, that's what people say. Hello. I didn't picture you on a beach, though. No. You're very un-beach-like. Well, I don't have a beach body. I've always been quite ashamed of my upper. But I've got a really lovely lower body.

You've got a great leg. Oh, thank you. But I look great behind a half-open stable door. If it's the right door that's open. Does this explain your strange sleepwear decisions? Yes, I suppose it does. Just wearing a pyjama jacket, yeah. You're something of a...

Play to your strengths. I've always felt it was the wrong way round. Well... It's a great motto for bed wear. Play to your strengths. Al, he would have made a great centaur. Yes. Oh, yes, I've often thought that.

Yeah. There's all sorts of details now which I don't feel we should go into, but I guess I know what you mean. Now, I've been... Here's the thing. Let's start off with a little quiz, shall we? You love a quiz. Oh, yeah, go on.

I love a little quiz. Now, then, I've been doing something this week daily, which I never thought in a million years I would ever do. And it's something... Is it clean your teeth? Do you know what? What? You're very much on the right track.

Wow. That was a fabulous guess. In fact, it was a Derren Brown-like in its accuracy. You're joking. Is it close? It's very close. I was just thinking cruel. Not flossing? No. Whitening?

Yes, I've been bleaching my teeth. You haven't? Yes. Three guesses. That's great. That is amazing. Well, that's great but why can't I see any evidence of it? When the dentist put this to me as a proposal... I didn't know about any proposal.

When a dentist says, and this is as an opener, can I speak to you man to man? It's a bit worrying. And he says, I think we should whiten your teeth. And I said, I associate teeth whitening with people who don't like books. I'm not prepared to do... And he said, I'm not talking about whitening so much as less green.

He never... He honestly said that. I think he's... No, less green, you may know, was the Derby County goalkeeper. Oh, I thought he was the lead singer in Scritty Politty. Can I just say... I know he was called Green that night.

Oh, OK. Your teeth are looking a bit nicer. Are they? Is it working? I think you're about 4% more fanciable. Well, I'm on day six of it, and I can't see... I just thought you'd been on a sunbed or something. Have you got a tan as well?

You haven't gone sunbed, too. No, I haven't gone sunbed. I'm turning into Bradley Walsh. Yeah, I'm sort of a Rylan. Well, I've always been very anti it. It's a horrible process. I had no idea.

Is it? Has he given you the bases to take home? He's given me a double gum shield to wear and I had to squirt basically bleach into it. Every day for how long? Ten days, he said. Presumably it's a special bleach, not just like a domestic.

Oh no, it's not. I'm not having a road to Domestos experience. I said to him, I don't want to get one of those, I don't want teeth like Jimmy Carr. Oh, poor Jimmy. But you know what I mean?

It looks alright on a... It doesn't. It looks terrible on everyone. Oh, don't. But I said I can't... I disapprove of that super white teeth thing. He said, can I tell you something? If we carry on with this process,

I'm not sure that you'd live long enough to get your teeth super white. I told you. Which was harsh. I your teeth super white that told you which was harsh i dream of you know when you cross the road on a zebra cross on your cross sorry frank continue you know when you cross on a zebra crossing i don't i don't i used to do the wave and now i just look and i smile at the person in the car i dream of looking across and smiling, and they bring the sunshade down. But it hasn't happened to you. Do you know, Frank, they are looking slightly better.

Oh, they really are. I keep looking to see if there's any improvement. I mean, I never looked at them this much before, so it's hard because I haven't got like a... They look less craggy. We need a before and after shot. I wish you know I took a... Well, I suppose every photo of me for the last 30 years

would qualify as a before. Yeah, I was just thinking, I wonder if there are previous photographs of you. Well, I got to the point... You know when you get spinach stuck to your teeth? Yeah. And it's a bit of a comment. People weren't noticing.

So, it's... Oh, it's such a rigmarole, though. I can't... Well, I'll tell you more. OK. Absolute, Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So have you had teeth whitening done, Alan? No. I did have a gum shield once when I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and the dentist fitted me up for a gum shield. Still are in Manila. Yeah, I dreamt I was heavyweight champion of the world. Kath was given a gum shield because she grinds her teeth in the rain.

I do as well. And, of course, Kath said, yeah, I'm just thinking, what if I inhaled it in the night? Yeah. Which is a fair point. There's a lot of grinders out there. Yes, there are. There's a website for them.

But I'm not getting many answers. Well, now you've had your teeth whitened well who knows what could happen next and you know i something i didn't know is i basically i have to eat white food yes during the process is that right yes because i've done it before oh you've done it yeah in the past well you've kept that under your fedora no i'm sure i've been open about my procedure. Yeah, basically what happens is I had to have white bread. Everything is white. Milk.

Rice. Milk, definitely white. I went for chicken soup and rice, they recommend as well. Mashed potato, maybe? Yeah. The worst thing you can do is coffee, obviously. Is it? Beetroot.

For breakfast. Oh, I love beetroot. Oh, you can't have beetroot. That's not the question I had this morning for breakfast I had seven

milky bars you know what I'd started unravelling the eighth and I thought too much for me oh and I had the southern end

of a leek oh yeah good thinking oh that's good yeah but apart from no it's hard eating uh the whole i had a baby chino as well surprisingly inventive i'm really glad you've done this really well i wonder if i haven't let

myself down from a sort of you know working class man of the people point of view no it's basic hygiene and cleanliness and Hang on, hang on. It's being considerate to your fellow man. Hang on. I've never done it. I know. Lacking in basic hygiene and cleanliness. I know. Yeah, but yours aren't green. I mean, mine. Come on. Yours aren't

green. I mean, come on. They're not white either, though. I'm not on an all-white diet. They weren't like that Highgate Cemetery over there. No, exactly. Mine's like the incredible i bet the incredible hulk's teeth look really really white because he's green yeah because they used to be that gordon moore toothpaste remember that that you put it and it makes your um gums go yeah they make makes your gums go dark red which alternatively makes your teeth look white but really he said to me i said look how do i know when to start with this because from what i see if you know your islands and and all

that you're not going to end up like rylan they don't know when to stop these people no and um he said to me try and matt keep an eye on the whites of your eyes. If they get whiter than the whites of your eyes, they're too white. Why are you planning on getting them? Well, I love the idea of matching them exactly with the whites to suggest that my head has got some sort of white lining, like a kinder egg. I could match them exactly. egg i could match them exactly well it's honestly part of it i mean i i'm slightly self-loathing about it but the way the way he put it to me was look they're starting to look a bit horrible in

fact he had he got these plastic teeth out he said what we'll do we'll match the color they are now and we'll make a note of that so he got he one that's called, like, IE7 or something. He held that next to me. And then he said, we'll see where they are next time you come in, you'll see the improvement. Lovely. And then he hadn't got a plastic tooth

that were as green as my teeth. You're joking. Is this guy a professional? No, no, he's very good. No, I know those charts. He used to be a comic. He was on the bill the very first gig I did. He still is if he's doing your teeth.

I know those charts, Frank. Yes. They go pretty dark. I know. I don't know why I've got this. I mean... How are the rest of your family? Have they got these teeth?

Yeah, they have more or less. Well, your teeth look lovely now. I noticed something a little different about you. It's like when someone has a facelift. There's just something changed a little bit. Well, I thought I'd wait and see if Kath mentions it. Then I've whitened them too much. Has she? She doesn't really pay that much attention to me physically.

She hasn't mentioned a damn thing. I mean, what can you say? And I've been reading in bed by the light of them and still no reference Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

I'm starting to think I shouldn't have had coffee and beetroot during that song I'm looking through old photos of Frank, actually. Oh, yeah. Just reminiscing about the old teeth back in the day. Well... Yes.

I mean, I don't like to broadcast, air our dirty linen in public here, but during that link, you were talking... I'm not cleaning my dirty linen. About his teeth whitening experiment, saying, I just think it's hygienic, Frank. I think it's like shaving, and I don't do that either. So not only have I not whitened

my teeth, but now I'm here bearded, and I'm feeling really out the loop, guys. Yeah, but you're a good-looking young man. What you have to be careful with at my age. It's not true, but I'll take that. No, you are very hot. I'll take that. It's not true, but I'm going to take this, because I feel quite bruised over here.

Especially with those teeth. Yeah, well, okay. But you know, one of the dangers is... Am I doing all right? You know that thing when you get like a new carpet and the rest of the room looks shabbier than it did before? I think, you know sometimes when older people dye their hair and they've forgot to dye their faces. It's a bit bulldog in a wig. I know that one.

Is it Brian Park, who I think is the head of a rival radio group? That's not what I'm saying. Richard Park. Richard Park, yeah. But he's got a much younger man's hair, but he's stopped with the face. Well, he's got a much younger man's hair that looks he's stopped with the face. Well, he's got a much younger man's hair that looks like he bought from Boots.

Well, I don't know. But you can't just match... You've got to match them. You can't have a hotchpotch of a face like that. You haven't gone mad with the teeth. Not yet. You haven't gone full... This is only day six.

I've got another four hypodermics to use. I don't like the hypodermics. That's what you do, you squirt it into the mould. Squirt it into the gum shield. Oh, honestly, it's such a... And it hurts. It does. How long do you leave them on for then?

My teeth get super sensitive. About two hours. Oh, you don't sleep in it? Oh, no. What if I inhaled it? Do you forget that warning already? No, it's... Yeah, you suddenly get shooting pains through your teeth.

They're like toothache. Instant toothache. I don't know if you're meant to get those, Brian. It's taken the skin off my gums a bit as well. These are just a few of the recommendations. You don't think brushing could be like a viable alternative? No, brushing will never get that level of... I don't know. Well, I'm going to say moss.

That's not going to come off. It is like that. It was. It's not anymore. You're a different person now. I look like Soodley Castle. Anyway, what next? Now you look more like Andrew Castle.

Is it going to be... Yes. Is it going to be a little bit of Grecian 2000 coming up over my dead body? Maybe the eyes, that would be my... Would you get the eyes done, would you? I've got terrible crow's feet. Oh no. Trouble is, I've never seen anyone, I would

be having surgery like a shot. But, the face would be totally different, but I've never seen anyone have it done where it doesn't look like it's surgery. Right. That's the problem. But we wouldn't know, would we? Because it doesn't look like it's surgery. Right. That's the problem. But we wouldn't know, would we? Because if it did look like it was surgery... I always know. I'm going to wait a few years until they've perfected a bit more.

They're still working on it. And then we'll see, yeah. But you know what, Frank? Your teeth look great. Thank you so much. Can I say I love you all? Well, Al didn't join in. No, I think they do. I said earlier I thought it was tanned. I didn't know what it was.

That's weird, though, isn't it? It's rather than going on holiday, you just get your teeth white. It's all relative. It serves on travel time, doesn't it? Yeah. Absolutely fantastic. What was your friends in Birmingham back in the day think of you getting your teeth whitened?

I don't know, they're all dead. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. The other thing is, you know I told you after my belly went into the

red zone on the doctor's tape measure, red for danger. Did I tell you about this? Oh, yeah. Did you know about this, Al? Yeah, it's... Yeah, it's not great news, is it? No. You're seeing a lot of specials.

Who could you possibly see as great news in any way? I don't know. I mean, it's... I don't look down and go, result. You know. No, it's what you're eating. I don't look down and go, result. You know. No, it's... So I took on something I've never... I've avoided for most of my life,

and that's salads. Oh, yeah. Well, careful of the beetroot in these salads, man. Oh, no, that's a no-go at the moment. Tomatoes? Oh. Good luck eating the white salad. Tomatoes are his quip tonight.

I've just peeled a few radishes. I don't want to know about that, thank you. Yeah, I've peeled a few radishes in my time. See that? Know what I'm talking about? No, not really. No, I don't. But, you know, if you say anything in that, you can say almost.

It could be 1973 ITV. Yeah, I've grated a bit of gowder in my time, you know what I'm saying? Anything, you can say anything. Changed a few fan belts. I mean, that one is quite close. See, what's happened is I've circled it, but I'm getting close to the actual core topic, and I'm trying to avoid it, like the plague.

Is there anyone listening who's got the plague? yeah I'm not saying it's a comedy no one's got the plague anymore well that's a warning for the absolute decade stations isn't it, you don't know how far back they're going now no exactly I mean no one's had it since I believe it was 1665

is it how long it's been? if that's the right year I'll be so happy with myself I think it is, I paid attention well 1665. Is it how long it's been? If that's the right year, I'll be so happy with myself. I think it is. I paid attention. Well, if anyone's listening and knows... Why did I bother? I could have just been a YouTuber. Why did I bother paying attention, learning those dates?

No, no. How many 1665? I could have just gone, hi, guys. You're a much fuller person. You don't want to be one of those... You know what they're like, whiting their... Oh. Hi, guys.

So, yes. what was he saying? The plague's all right. The plague, 1665. Respect to the plague's operative. Respect to the plague. Respect! That's another job I'll use. Of course, I've been working as a medieval tooth double

in films for years. That's all gone. Respect, Al, to the plague. Do people still get the plague? No! OK, that's tremendous news. Remember, we are on... What station is this?

Remember, we are on FM in the West Midlands. Before you rush into that, no. The plague, the Black Death we're talking about. Yes. The plague, perhaps the plague does exist now. We just perhaps don't call it the plague. No. Because that's not a very sensitive, nice thing to call something.

We're talking about the Black Death. I think that one that's carried by fleas on rats, that's gone. That's all been sorted out. Yeah, I got rid of him. I mean, this show's got a history of late reviews, but I think this is one of the latest. I'm not really reviewing it.

I mean, I'd say my feeling is it was negative. I'm talking about the plague now. It was essentially negative. But you're asking if it's still around. It could be still around. Still rats, still fleas, still people. We've got all the ingredients. Hang on, let me write that down.

Frank, you're giving the plague, what, three stars? Two stars. News of the world, two bottles of beer. That's what they used to give films. I think it's don't miss it. Don't miss it. That's what I'm saying. I, so I, you know, I worked with TV chef Tom Kerridge.

You worked with them all? Yeah. Well, he's worked with all the chefs. Yeah. So I asked him, I said, look, I'm really... He's lost a lot of weight. Yeah, he's lost a lot of weight. Looks great. He's, so I thought really... He's lost a lot of weight. Yeah, he's lost a lot of weight. Looks great.

So I thought he's the man to ask about the salads. And I said, do you eat a lot of salad now? And he said, oh, I do. I do. You got it right. And I said... Sounds a bit Black Death. Yeah.

He's wearing an eye patch and one hand was a hook. And he was stirring. He was doing a lot of stirring that day in fact it wasn't a hook it was a whisk i'll take it back um he said the secret is that you mix uh a bit of uh chorizo is it chorizo chorizo chorizo use a bit of chorizo with it or a bit of salad cream what do you mean the secret to what to salad to making it edible well you can't have chorizo well that's what i thought it's going against that i might as well put nutella on it that's way out of nutella would that be all right well chorizo i mean that's way

out of your color oh i can't have it at the moment god forbid no i don don't want to end up with teeth like a Southampton shirt. But I'm on about when I've finished bleaching. I mean, it's not going to be forever, the bleaching. No. Well, you say that. Bleaching's not just for Christmas, it's for life. I hope I don't get hooked on it. Bleaching is not just for Room 101, it's for life.

Well, as Alan was suggesting in the break, it's a bit like the fourth bridge. You start at one end and bleach. Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn't work like that. bridge. You start at one end and bleach. Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn't work like that. You don't do one tooth at a time. That would be a nightmare. That when you're halfway across.

That would really look awful. But, yeah, that seems to me to go against the whole spirit of the salad. No, I'm with him. I'm totally with him on this. You're with Kerridge? Yeah, I've got strong opinions on salad. Oh, well, we'll come to those in a second. Can't wait.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So Alan was going to tell us about the salads he likes. I totally am on board with adding what I like to call chorizo, being as I am from the north of England. What is the proper pronunciation? I bought in... Chorizo.

I think people put a lisp in there, don't they? Chorizo. Chorizo. Chorizo. Is that like something... Oh, Professor. Who is this? Where did the body come from?

Okay. Is that Fantasy Island Man? No, I think it was Peter Lorre. Oh, was it? Yeah. You sounded like her. I don't know what you mean, Inspector. It could have been X20 from Stingray.

You sounded like Buster Plain. Whose voice do you use to say Carrizo? Don't text us. Don't text us. We're not live. Don't get that stupid idea out of your head. You would put that in a salad? I think anything...

But what's the point of having a salad if you're going to put, like, unhealthy fattening stuff in it? No, it's not unhealthy. No, it's not. In fact, you've got a very 70s attitude towards food. Which was... Sorry, Al, we'll help him. Over to you. I think salads are enjoyable if you make them...

Can I stop you right away? That's incorrect. It's a big if. I've never enjoyed a salad in my life. I think you have to make them... It's because you haven't eaten a proper one. Yeah, I think you have to make them better with putting things in, like chorizo, hot, like a, you know, flash fry it, or a bit of chicken.

Flash fry it? What does that mean? Halloumi works. Put in hot stuff that's delicious and surround it by a bulky salad. Halloumi menuing? Can you Google flash fry before trying it? That's all I'm saying. Yes, I don't want none of the old squeaky cheese stuff. A lovely bit

of avocado. Hey, it's white, that'd be good for your teeth. Oh, actually, yes, maybe I will get some of that. Pine nuts, avocado, goat's cheese. Mering be good for your teeth. Oh, actually, yes, maybe I will get some of that. Why not? Anything white. Avocado. Goat's cheese. Meringue. I've been on meringue for two weeks. You can't put those in the salad. No. No. Meringue salad. That's the idea, isn't it? That you put stuff that isn't salad in salad to mix

salad. I don't need a sort of a less hardcore salad. Yeah. Do they do tinned salad? No, but you could put in some tinned fish there. Perhaps some anchovies or some mackerel. That's really awful stuff. Also, it's so difficult. A knife and fork was not designed for a salad.

A lettuce leaf with a knife and fork, it's an impossibility. As you know, I fairly frequently eat my salad from the carrier bag that it comes in. Oh, yes. I forgot about that. Just pour a tin of anchovies in there and have it in a hotel room. What I was thinking of getting at home, over my table, is getting one of those arcade claws. Oh, perfect. That lift up the cod liver toys.

And just have the operating hands lift up the cod with eyes. Yeah. And just have the operating hands lift up the salad and then just get underneath it, you know, so that I replicate the hole, the teddy bear hole. Presumably the teeth gum shield thing came with some kind of bib for spattering, so you could put that on first and then allow... No bib. Oh, there's no bib. No bib.

This whitening thing is good because it will make you eat less. Because your options are greatly diminished. That's true. I don't think eating less is always the answer. Eat more fat and less sugar. You'll be fine. I mean, I don't know if Emily will ever speak to you again after that. Eating less is not the answer.

You know what they say, lifetime on the gum shield. You know what they say, a lifetime on the... The lips. Gum shield. I'm trying to think of something that rhymes, but it's all rude. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We just got excited about salads.

I was just reminiscing about the cobb at the Polo Lounge. Hello. I love a Cobb salad. The Polo Lounge, where's... I haven't got time. Genuinely, I have not got time. I was reminiscing about the Polos at the Cobb Lounge. That's all I can eat nowadays.

Where's that, in Broad Street? Yeah, exactly. The Polo Lounge is at Beverly Hills Hotel. OK, you know so much. Who was the Cobb salad named after? Oh! Is it a critic? It's named after the chef that invented it.

I think it was named after the Detroit Tigers baseball player Ty Cobb. Oh, is it? No, that sounds right. That is a made-up fact. No, and he used to go there and he used to eat it, just like Arnold Bennett when he lived at, I think, the Dorchester, was it he lived there? He used to have those...

I don't know, but I love that you look to me for that. Eggs Arnold Bennett. Have you never heard of Eggs Arnold Bennett? Nope. You know that, Eggs Arnold Bennett, there's only Eggs Arnold Bennett. All this is true.

If only people could text in, I would be verified. Don't text in, but feel free to email, and we'll discuss this at some point. I think you might be right about that. What? You might be right about that, Ty Cobb. No, I think that's made up.

Tell me more about this chef, though. Why have I wandered into an episode of Would I Lie To You? I'm just doing a nice radio station with my friend's radio show. By the way, Frank, can I just say that until now, all the time I've known you, you've always been really negative about food conversations and you're very welcome to join them. It's really fun, isn't it?

Aren't we having fun? No, I'm bored to death. And trust me, I'm not the only one. People all over Britain are saying, you know what, maybe capital's not as rubbish as we thought it was. Alan's got a point. It's all you do, Frank, is criticise us for talking about food. No, I always say,

save those conversations for your ordinary friends. I don't have any. Oh, no, I forgot. Alan's got some. He lives in Manchester. Oh, yeah. That's right. That's all I've got there.

Oh, Manchester. So much to look for. Sorry, it started out as Morrissey and became Anthony and the Johnsons. Often the case with my fancy dress escapades. But more of that, maybe later. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Don't text the show.

No. Silly. Because we're not live. And if you listen to this on podcast, don't text the show either. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website by all means.

But don't text it. What was me talking about? I think the teeth again. Oh, let's shut up about my teeth now. By the time this does go out, because we are pre-recording it, I'm wondering how the... They'll be whiter still. Yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't wondering about your teeth. Oh, I thought that's where you were going with that one. It's all about his teeth. No, I'm wondering how much momentum the story about uh this boat being potentially named boaty mcboat face oh yes boat hello yes yes yes ultimate boat face yeah it's a research vessel research you are no no sorry that didn't quite work. We'll do that again, Paul. Well, I don't know what a research vessel is, but I don't think a boat is the best place to do any research on.

You don't? I mean, the petri dishes will be all over the place. That's a good point, yeah. Once the waves come up, I'm not nautical. Yeah, also, do the research on dry land. It costs 200 million quid. Yeah. What are they doing on there?

It must be a ship, surely. It can't be a boat. I think it might be a ship. And they're calling it boat in a boat face. No. They call it ship faced. No, they can't call it that. You're quite right.

Ship happens. Yeah, exactly. These are good suggestions. Yeah. Ship happens would be a brilliant. Yes. I love that. Yeah happens would be a brilliant. Yes. I love that. Yeah.

Thank you very much. I think they've done that thing that they've said, hey, internet, why don't you suggest what we call our boats? They have. And then people have made stupid suggestions and then they've gone, and we'll possibly use your suggestion. See, that's wrong, isn't it? You can't do that with these people.

I think the scientists will be on this because this boat goes from pole to pole, isn't it? You can't do that with these people. I think the scientists will be on this, because his boat goes from pole to pole, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah, Michael Palin. Yeah, it does. I think it's on my teeth. They could have called it Michael Palin if it's going to go from pole to pole.

That'd be fun. I'm going to say that. I'm doing a bit of a Michael. Of course, I'm Palin Mike. Anyway, so it goes from pole to pole, so a box- box player, and it works for the National Environmental Research Council,

which is called NERC. Yeah, NERC. So I wondered, could they call it Polar NERC? As in like a Polar NERC jumper? Very good. That is really good. I mean, come on, get it in the pot. That is so complicated.

Trips off the tongue, doesn't it? I mean, it only takes about 48 seconds of explanation. I know, but let's face it, they have all the time. If you're going from pole to pole, you'd be glad of someone to talk about. Yeah. Well, they wanted names like Endeavour or Shackleton or something like that, those good sort of solid explorer names.

But that's not going to happen with these people. It has to have RRS at the front of it. Oh, does it? It's Royal Research Ship. So whatever it is, it's RRS Rasputin. Oh, yeah. That would work. Others have suggested Usain Bolt. I know, that's RRS Rasputin. Oh, yeah. That would work. Others have suggested

Usain Boat. I know, that's just silly. You think? I know. Because it's a ship. So we've got to call it a ship. We've already come up with... Yeah, that one's good. Yours is good. Did you like mine? I saw one bloke he suggested. There's a bloke called Sandeep

Korotone, I think his name was. And he suggested it was called the RRS Sandeep Korotone, I think his name was. And he suggested it was called the RRS Sandeep Korotone. I used to love him when he was in Atomic Kitten. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so, the NERC boat boaty mcboat face that's boat i would have gone for that's boot i think you say it though i know but it's a poem i'm saying that's boat it's my name for it okay rod hull and howard stern Howard Stern. Oh!

What a double act that would have been. They interviewed a bloke, called him Lord West, who is the, let me get this right, he was a former first sea lord. And he said,

it's nice that people are joining him, but you simply can't have a silly name. And I thought, that was the first sea lord. Which so sounds like something from Doctor Who or whatever. And he said, this is a phrase I haven't heard for ages. He said, it's obviously the silly season. People always used to talk about the silly season. That is good.

I quite often talk about mad half hour at home. Oh, do you? Yeah, yeah. I haven't heard that. Mad half hour, like when the dog just goes out and runs in the garden in a circle for ages. I'll go, she's having a mad half hour. That was when you went to the pub.

Yeah. Does your dog ever do this? I had a dog that used to... I was telling dog stories after the food. It's just become like some neighbor it's gone really normal since getting his gum shield the dog used to stand absolutely still for about a minute and a half just not even just standing like a statue and then he would just flick out of it and go Absolutely terrifying. Our dog lies still in a circle like a cat

for about 23 hours of every 24. No, but I'm on about to be walking, standing up, I'm on about. Right. I knew standing up, because sometimes I used to limbo under it for a lark while it was completely still. But I just wondered if it was,

I mean, I'm hoping, looking back there, you'd look so surprised it wasn't having a series of cardiac arrests. Yeah. I'd feel terrible that I was just wondering if it was... I mean, I'm hoping, looking back there, you'd look so surprised it wasn't having a series of cardiac arrests. Yeah. I'd feel terrible that I was just, like, bringing friends round to look at it. Staring at it. Oh, no. It's not just the boat that I think has been misnamed in this article.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, the mirror, which is where I read about it... No, that's what it's called. ...said, marine research fans have flooded an online poll. And I thought, no, bored people on the internet have flooded an online poll. Not marine research fans. I bet there are marine research fans. Do you think there are?

That's what... You know, science has become very popular. I was going to say, marine research fans, a lot of Doctor Who watchers. Do you think so? Yeah, come on. I'd have thought Stingray. Mainly Stingray. It's all your lot, mate. Voice to the bottom of the sea.

Come on with that name for a show. Voyage to the bottom of the sea. That sounds like... That's like the treatment for it, not the... Yeah. How about that Darius Vessel? Don't text in with who came up with the name for the voice to the... Yeah. How about Darius Vessel? Don't text in with who came up with the name. Come on, wasn't he a footballer?

With Richard Bass, Art and David Hedges. Darius Vessel. Yeah. Darius Vessel. Yeah. No, Vessel. That's my name. Oh, Darius Vessel.

Yeah, thank you. Fantastic. It's all going very well. Yeah. I think he played for Birmingham or somewhere. I think he played for the Villa didn't he Titanic what about Titanic

and then brackets not that one close brackets it needs to be something if you could get scientific into it's going to be a bit tricky with us Rick the Titanic versus

oh no I'm alright just leave me alone with us through it. The Titanic. The Titanic versus... Oh, no. Oh. I'm all right. I'm all right. Just leave me alone. I'm eating strangely. Leave him, Alan.

Don't rock the boat. Look at this. Don't rock the boat. I've got a white chocolate rabbit over here. It's all going so well. Is this why we've got white chocolate now? Because of your teeth, Mariah?

Yeah, that's the idea. It's all right. We've got some snow for after. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I read some gossip this week, which I particularly loved, because talk about late bit of 3am.

It was about 7am, this one, by the time it came through. It's sort of to do with... Well, it's to do with a couple of girl bands. Mel B. Oh, yes. Remember her? I do remember her. She had a fight once with Shaznay off of All Saints.

Oh, yes, I did hear about that. Mel B said she started giving me attitude, so I tried to rip her weave off. Oh dear. Fancy just owning up to that as if it's all right. That's what happened between you and Judi Dench when you had your beef outside the aisle. I didn't try to rip her weave off.

No. She did it to you. She gave you a death stare, didn't she? When you consider the amount of stick the Native Americans have got for that kind of thing. Yes, it sounds proper aggressive. She said, and then she choked me, and then we kind of got split up, but I won. No, you didn't.

She choked you. I won. You didn't won, you just got the weave. She choked you. I suppose she left with a trophy. What, the weave? Whereas I doubt if she has now left with anything from her throat. True.

Wow. Her voice, maybe. Do you see what I mean? I know it's... I think if a man told that story, wouldn't you think he was a bit unpleasant? Violent. Yes.

Vulgar. I've always found her, whenever I've met her, very nice. Who, Mel B? Mel B. But I like the found that whenever I've met her very nice Who Mel B? Mel B But I like the fact that she thinks that somebody else She tried to choke her, she pulled her hair a little bit And that's a win Like how?

How's that a win? On points? Who was judging it? I saw two women fight outside the Queen's head once Brilliant Dan Albury Are you sure they're women? I already like this story

One of them Definitely women. One of them suddenly ripped the other one's earring out. Oh, dear. There was all these blokes watching it, all going, this fight. As soon as that happened, they went, oh, God. That was the end of that.

I thought the most vicious thing that Mel B did was in the course of this interview, during the course of this interview, when she was retelling this anecdote from the 90s, she began it by saying, there was this girl group once called All Saints. Oh, yeah. Late review. Oh, yeah. They're back.

Ouch-a-rama. They're back. I think she realised that they were back and part with her in the interview. She went, actually, they've got a new song out and I like it. I think she backpedalled someone. Well, she was trying to do a bit of a chico on them. She was treating them with contempt and then she realised. Well, there's a curry house by me. That's a nice story.

So what are you doing this weekend, Al? I haven't finished it yet. He only goes there for white rice and naan bread. How are you going to go to the curry house in your condition? Well, I haven't been since I've been bleaching. He's not had sagaloo for a while, that's for sure. Or that spinach. Isn't it embarrassing?

He's one of those people now that friends invite him out for dinner and things. Oh, fancy an Italian, Frank. Oh, no. Oh, they're all going, oh, light weightening. No, no, no, no, no. I love mozzarella. Light weightening. Ooh, light weightening.

So, I went there one week and who was on the next table? Mel C. Oh, yeah, yeah. I went there three weeks later. Who was on the next table? Natalie Appleton. Wow. I mean, in quick succession.

Imagine seeing famous people in London. I know, but people from the 90s. People from 90s girl bands. That's quite a coincidence. Oh, aye. Anyway, I went in last night. Cleopatra coming at you. No way.

No, I made that one up, I must admit. But I'm always excited to see you. They're both lovely women as well. Yeah. I can't imagine either one of them ripping anybody's weave off. No. Oh, I imagine both of them. Do you?

Can you? Wouldn't... Can you? Would you? Can you would you can you do you should you i wouldn't get on the wrong side of those two what is the wrong side well i wouldn't like to know no you know when you said what is the wrong side that's like when you say to when people say i've double checked and you say have you double checked i don't i don't understand i mean you've got the same attitude when you say it there's you know what i mean interrogating interrogating interrogating this has gone very awkward now we need to get out of it before we go into the music or should we

just carry on carry on i'm not awkward frank okay i then. In my head, all I can see is hashtag orcs. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. What I like about the Mel B story is there's an element of that late review thing about it. It's about late gossip.

Because that's an anecdote that should have been told 20 years ago, and then it's come out now. Exactly. And it's nice. It's given it a sort of a period feel to it, which I quite like. Yeah? Robbie Williams told me a story. I mean, I'm not one to gossip, as you know. What can we say then?

You're not one to gossip. Can you tell me? Well, do you think it's all right? Well, I'll tell you the story. I think you'll find it's all right. He said he was, I think he was at the Brits. Yeah. And he'd had some sort of falling out with,

I can't remember the details, but he went to the toilet and it was those sort of single bowl urinals, you know what I'm talking about? I know. And he was standing at one of those. Mel B burst in to the men's toilets and then she also went to the toilet in the next urinal, sort of in a way, you know, so she sat facing him and told him off.

So they were both. I know. And look, it's like a sort of lover's seat. You know those lover's seat that you sit so you can stare at each other? That is a very positive spin you're putting on that, but yeah. Yeah. so you can stare at each other. That is a very positive spin you're putting on that, but yeah.

Yeah. So she sat and he stood, and they talked and passed water simultaneously. That is such a nice story. Yeah. Isn't it? And that's one of the... Or I imagine their faces starting off angry and then gradually calming down,

but amid steam. It's funny you've got an anecdote about celebrities in the toilets in the 90s, because I've got quite a few. But sadly I'm not allowed to tell it on the commercial breakfast radio. Well, that's maybe a good thing. But I thought this one, it showed them both in quite a good light. Yeah, I do. In that they carried on regardless.

quite a good light yeah i do in that they carry they carried on regardless i uh when i read this i i did wonder if the um phrase goss you know people call gossip goss now yes i wonder how long that's been happening yeah i wondered if um like back in the day people were saying i've got some goss goss about bros yeah bros goss. Yeah, about the goss bros. That's a good point. I don't know if... I haven't... I mean, I haven't checked the etymology of shortening gossip to goss.

What about... Someone told me that they worked with Victoria Beckham. Oh, yeah. Before... I think... Had she actually married him at this point? I don't know.

But her family lived in a house, a sort of a... They had quite a nice house, but she was never posh. I mean, that was just her nickname because she was sort of... Good heavens, no. But they were doing all right. And they had quite a sort of mock-tude house, you know, quite a big house. Commuter belt, yeah.

And he went... He had to pick her up to take her to this recording thing. And he knocked on the door and she opened the door. And in the hallway of this reasonably normal house, they had a medieval suit of armour facsimile. Full-sized. They did not. Now, come on.

That's good. That is great. That is great. Yeah, what about that? My third piece of gossip, and I'll leave it here, was, I must have told you this. You've got some great bits of 90s gossip. They're all spy skills based.

Well, there's one I've got that I hope you're not going to tell, but anyway. I doubt. No, this one's perfectly fine. An air steward told me that David and Victoria was on an aeroplane that he was on and when he went to there

they'd asked him for a pen and paper so he'd gone and got them a paper and a pen. I don't know why he changed the order but you know what they're like. And when he got, they'd left all this paper and that behind and they'd spent, I think it was a three-hour flight,

playing notes and crosses. Oh, I like that. I mean, I thought that was gone as a game. And he said there were several, like, incompleted ones. Oh, stalemates. That's how well matched they were. What about when I sat, lay next to Keith Flint from The Prodigy? Oh.

I was on a plane. Yeah. In fairness. Mm-hmm. And he, well, this was obviously in the 90s, but he had the little silver spike. Oh, I remember the horns, yeah. Yeah, he had the horns on, but he had the little slipper socks,

which I liked poking out of the end. I like that one end's a bit demonic and the other end's quite cutesy. Love it. And I was there taking full advantage of the facilities, drinking the bar dry, love. And Keith, they said, can we get you anything? You went, you got any scones? And he said, scones.

Oh, lovely. And he said, a cup of tea would be nice. I love a tea, don't you? I hope you had a lemon tea, because what would have been great if they'd have bought a half lemon and he'd have got the juice out on one of his horns. Like on one of those lemon squeezes. And I walked past him, Frank,

and he had the telly on, and he had his little slipper socks, and I saw him laughing. You know when they've got the headphones on and they're laughing at some jokes and things? With his tea, scones, he looked so happy. I think he had his tea quite milky in the scone because he was bleaching his teeth.

That's a bit of 90s gossip for you. the scone because he was bleaching his teeth. That's a bit of 90s gossip. I don't think anyone was bleaching his horn. We've all done it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Shall we go? I tell you where we haven't been for a long time. It's, um...

It's... E-mail corner. Ah! E-mail corner. Ah! I totally agree, Frank. E-mail corner. Comedy rule of three, very nice.

E-mail corner. I haven't finished yet. Ha-ha-ha! E-mail corner. Comedy rule of three, very nice. Email, call and finish it. Email, corner. OK, that's enough now, darling. OK, OK, OK. OK. I agree, we haven't been here for pure time, have we? It's been a long time. Pure time.

Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Do you remember that? Give me one time. No. Is that morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Do you remember that? Give me one time. No. No. Is that the Fugees? Yeah. Oh, is it?

No, it's not give me one time. Isn't it? No, he just went one time. Didn't he say give me one time? He just made that up, give me one time. Maybe I'm thinking of gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight. Well, that was a whole other decade and type of poem. He went one time.

Also, it can sometimes be hard to nail down your impressions. How did he say the second one? Did he say two time? Two time. I think it was two time. Yeah, because that was the second time he said it. That's why I'm going to say, if Kathy ever cheats on me, I just walk in and say, two time.

Try seven time. Yeah, that's what I did when I was going out with Snow White. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Here's an email. Why don't I read it? Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Long time reader, first time emailer.

Just taking on your late review theme. I think we've covered that. I don't need to bring anyone in. We sometimes review things late. The plague, for example. Yeah, for example. Wouldn't it be good to do a 10 years later awards? It's hard to judge so

quickly what's the top film or singer for example, but 10 years on we can see their respective impact. That's true, actually. Is it? Often people get things and then you just can't remember them after. You think if only we'd taken more time. Braveheart won Best Picture at the Oscars 10 years ago,

but if we're all being honest, it's garbage. I'd say the usual... Whoa! You see? I've never seen Braveheart, obviously. One time. I don't think I've seen it one time. I haven't even seen it one time.

He goes on. I'd say the usual suspects is found in more dvd collections um yeah but you can't judge things i mean what i don't think i've seen a dvd collection that hasn't got big in it oh i love it but that doesn't make it a classic movie does it well it's pretty great it's pretty classic is it a great movie have you never seen it i don't't think I have. It's good. But, you know, it's another light review. Yeah. Big. Big. It's good. Catch you while you can.

That was what I call, well, it was the Central Reservation years. Yes, that's true. It's good, isn't it? I might watch Big, then. Frank, the cry years. The crying years. Crying years? I don't think I did much crying.

Central Reservation years. Yeah, but I was... Acronym. Oh, I see. Kyle. Ten years ago, the BAFTA for Best Light Entertainment Programme went to Don't Forget Your Toothbrush. I'd argue that Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge

was a worthier winner. He's done a bit of research, this... Yeah. This character. I just wonder if Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge was in the LE section that year. Yes. Might have been in comedy. Might have been in comedy rather than light ents, you know. Anyway,

shiny floor show compared to a comedy sitcom. It's not a like for like comparison, but anyway. I don't want anyone... I've got a bit Partridge myself there. I don't want anyone having a recount about the charts of 20 years ago. No. I don't want Gina G

staying on top instead of getting knocked off by us. Did you know I'd knocked off Gina G? Did you? A bit of gossip I heard from Mel B. Was that who are just a little bit? Who are a little bit more? No, it was called Three Lions.

Oh, hell, one. Yes, we knocked her off the top. Good for you. Another bit of 90s gossip there. Good for you. Where is she now? She never got over that.

You did. I don't think Gina G did get over that, I think. I'd love to know what Gina G's doing now. I know some stuff about her. Do you? I know what she's doing precisely now. Is she in Australia? I don't know.

Was she Australian? She went out with a very famous fashion photographer for a while. And that's it. Did she really? We'll talk. Okay. I'm trying to think if I know. Norman Hartnell?

No. Was he a fashion... Yeah, he used to design the Queen's clothes. Well, there you go. He's going off showing his face here. After that. After that, rigmarole. Anyway.

We're going to come back to this email. We are, but I have to play music next. All right, let's do that then. Also, I don't know about you, I'm always happy with a Norman Hartnell digression. Not. I can picture him now, white hair, maybe. He's a man who you wouldn't think he are'd

if he had a Mother of Pearl cigarette holder. There aren't many men you can say that about. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were in Email Corner and we're partway through an email about the 10 Years Later Awards. It's very clever, this. I wonder how many people would retain their awards 10 years on.

He continues, The sports personality went to Damon Hill, a man capable of driving the fastest car the fastest, a man who had won two years prior for being second, Shearer being top scorer at Euro 96? Faldo winning the Masters, maybe? It'd be a great ceremony. years prior for being second. Shearer being top scorer at Euro 96, question mark. Faldo winning the Masters, maybe. It'd be a great ceremony.

You know, I said I was loving it. Why are you fed up with it? The sports gets a bit... Although, to be honest, when he says a man capable of driving the fastest car the fastest, that made me suddenly feel differently about motorsports. I've never... Yes. Because I don't think I could do that.

Like, if you say motorbikes, if you went, right, all you guys have a motorbike each. No, we don't. Alan, you're... No, if you... Hypothetically. I'd never have one. Alan, you've got the fastest one.

Can you ride it? I would be scared. Like, it's not just as easy as that. It is. But you can't compare it. It is. It's not just as easy as that. But you can't compare... It is as easy, just go the fastest. Done. You can't compare Damon Hill's achievements

with those of Norman Hartnell. No. You keep going on about Norman Hartnell. You only found out who he was two seconds ago. I did, I named him. You named him with the wrong job. I had to tell you he was the Queen's designer. What did I say?

He said he was a photographer. Well, I bet he took photographs of her on the sly. Well, darling, we've all taken photographs on the sly. Well, none of the Queen. I haven't. I don't know. I just used stamps or money for that. No longer with us, by the way, Norman Hartley.

Have you met the Queen? Well, who knows? I have met the Queen. When did you meet her? I said I was Norman. She said dead. No, you didn't. Moved on. She just moved on. I mean, she didn't try and break it gently or anything.

After what he's done for her, she still wears the frocks. You know, she'll recycle 20 years. You're talking about this, 10 years on. She's always, she was never out of that atelier. Because you know why? Because she's never replaced Norman Hartnell. That's why. Well, she has. That's always, she was never out of that atelier. Because you know why? Because she's never replaced Norman Hartnell, that's why.

That's what she told me. No, she said not really. She said that there's people in, but they're not Norman. She didn't say that. I said, of course they're not Norman. They left in about, in the 11th century. She laughed You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Don't text the show today because Well just don't, why don't you trust me Follow the show on Twitter At Frank on the Radio Email the show via the Absolute Radio website So we learned. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

So we learned earlier in the show not to ever ask the internet a question about what to name your boat, Boaty McBoatface. I would take that a little bit further and I would say don't ever hold a microphone out to a member of the general public when you're a performer. Look what happened with me when Frank did that.

What happened? I don't know. I ended up on this show. Oh, now you're here performer. Look what happened with me. And Frank did that. What happened? I don't know. I ended up on this show. Oh, now you're here. We got there. Rihanna. Rihanna held a mic out. Well, mid-song, she held the mic out to some guy that was at the front, like, for him to sing a line. And he sang a line or

two and blew everyone away. And now everyone's saying he's amazing. He upstaged Rihanna. He upstaged her. I wonder if he'll actually get a recording contract on that, actually. Oh, no. He might do, because... There would be a story, wouldn't there? Tara Stewart. Pardon? Tara Stewart, his name was.

Oh. Oh, OK. I thought we were back to Braveheart. He had got a beautiful voice, fair play to and also he had i mean i don't suppose he'd rehearsed and was ready for it she just suddenly she thrust you know she can she thrust rihanna and he just went straight in on it i mean it's a risk four or five seconds i wouldn't risk it say because i would never be confident that they would know the song you're really thinking these people love me so much they know every song i've done every lyric yeah tremendous confidence i mean i've been to see bands i don't know the stuff and i just do that thing where i go blah blah blah sort of mime

along oh do you yeah why do you why do anything well that's a good point i should just frown just stand at the front and frown that Why break the habit of a lifetime? That might freak them out a bit. That's a bit nasty. But if she stuck the mic out to me, I would have had to have gone, my wife bought the tickets. I'd have scatted. Into the mic.

You'd have scatted. I'd have scatted. That's how frightened I'd have been. Oh, I love a scat, Frank. I'd have scatted. I'd have gone... Come back with the mic. Come back with the mic. Come back with the mic.

I haven't finished. Hello? That's how it would have gone. They wouldn't believe it. Four or five seconds. Do you know how that one goes, Frank? Four or five seconds? Four or five seconds of love with you.

No! One crazy night, that's all it took. Is it that one? No. That is lovely, though. Thanks. I mean, if only she'd thrust that mic out to you and you'd been there. That would have shocked her if I had done a completely song.

I bet she'd have said, what are you talking about, Willis? Do you think? It's the sort of thing. She's such a card. No, I bet she'd have said, what are you talking about, Willis? Do you think? It's the sort of thing. She's such a card. No, I don't know. How does it go, four or five seconds? Four or five seconds. Oh, she's singing it now.

Come on. That's the same as Frank did. It's not the same. It is exactly the same. Four or five seconds of love. It's the ending. It's the ending. I believe she gets four or five seconds from Wilding.

Is that right? From Wilding? Four or five seconds from Wilding. That's quite good. From Wilding? I don't know. I think it is Wilding. She sings it with Kanye West and Paul McCartney.

Well, that's... How did that happen? Who bugged that? Graham Norton? What was that? Was it a derailment? And they were stranded in the middle of the country. While we're here, I got some sound equipment with me.

Oh, that sounds like a good idea. And off they go. Aren't you cold in just a bra and knickers? No, I'm fine. Don't tell nobody now. So, there you are. Those three song together. Curious bedfellows, but it happened.

It's brilliant that that happened. And you say bra and knickers, but she looks amazing in the clip. What, but certainly no bra at all. I mean, you're a millionaire, buy a bra, are you? No, but it's the most clothing I've ever seen her in. She's got a trousers suit on and high heels. She's got trousers, but I mean... She looks like she's gone straight there from the office. I loved it.

She looked very Wisconsin lawyer. Business chic. Well, Wisconsin lawyer who's got a drink problem. I loved it. I know, but you loved it for all the wrong reasons. Oh, you were sitting right up close. If I come to see someone sing, I don't want the bust in my face.

Good time of rule. Good time of rule. It is exactly, and I live by that. Just, I mean, she's got a beautiful voice. Trust yourself. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I still can't get over that neither of you boys know that four or five seconds.

We're talking about four or five seconds. Oh, your Frank knows it. Oh, yeah. He actually wrote it. There's a baby in it. There isn't a baby in it. Has there ever been a song without baby in it? There isn't a baby in it. Has there ever been a song with a baby in it? Baby.

Okay, but it sounds lovely anyway. That's a lovely song. I'll get on Spotify. Is that she... Do you use that Spotify now, Frank? I do use it occasionally, yes. Do you? You were a bit confused last time.

I think I'm all right with Spotify. What about Netflix? Oh, I don't know. He's not on. It's a different world. He's not up for Netflix. He's not up for WhatsApp. Don't understand it.

It's like the Enigma code to him. It is. I'm going to have a drink of sterilised milk. Someone call his sponsor. I'll tell you what I did like about the article is that there's a picture of Rihanna in a trouser suit. Oh, yes, I know you like that. But she's crouching down to hold out the microphone to this chap.

Oh, come on. This chap. Come on, it's not late night. She's doing that. You know, a few weeks ago we were talking about the squat position that I sometimes adopt to stretch out my back. I told you never to talk about stuff we say after the show. Oh, I see.

No, no, it was on broadcast, but properly, like a nice deep... I mean, it's great. It's very good form. I mean, one thing about Rhianna, I bet she's no stranger to the gymnasium, I wouldn't have thought. Well, with that kind of hip stability, she'd be an excellent gardener. I bet you're right up close to the telly with the remote. I bet she doesn't garden. I'd be very surprised to hear that.

Can you imagine that? Her hands dirty with the weeds. Maybe get some high-heeled wellies and she's away. Oh, imagine her in a pair of knee pads. Isn't it a good job that the guy could sing? Digging out the Japanese knotweed. I know. Imagine if she'd held out the mic and he was like,.

There's a clip where I think Beyonce does it to some woman. And she goes,. Like that. Do you think that's what they're hoping for? Do you think it makes them look amazing if they hold the mic out? I think Beyonce actually said, what the? I think she did say and then she stopped herself. Which is strange because people only ever used to say that in Mindering the Bill.

Yes. Now, um, Terrence Stewart, it turns out, he has some interesting vibes on him. Oh, do you know about him? Yeah, my friends. Oh, that's good. Are you friends? Well, I know about him in the sense that you know about him? Yeah, we're friends. Oh, that's good. Are you friends? Well, I know about him in the sense that you know about Norman Hartnell.

I found out two minutes ago about him. Yes, okay. He said... I knew about Norman Hartnell before. I knew who he was, sort of. It's not a boast. Yeah. And everyone... I knew about Norman Hartnell. How's that a boast? Can everyone calm down about Norman Hartnell? I'm not slow on all things Hartnellian.

I'm across. I'm not slow on all things, sir. All things Hartnellian. I'm across. I'm right across. He said, Tara Stewart, he said, y'all don't understand how long I've been riding for Rihanna. Now, this means fandom, does it? I didn't know that.

I assume that she had that. You usually don't know four or five seconds with Paul McCartney, Kanye West, feet, Rihanna. How are you going to know this? I know I've heard that before. usually don't know four or five seconds. Paul McCartney, Kanye West, feet, Rihanna. How are you going to know this? I know I've heard that before. No, I think there is a language barrier thing. I think he's, and you're into the equestrian now, aren't you? I think he's her farrier. I'm not into it.

I'm wearing my yard clothes. When she says she don't know, he says... Maybe she's training now and he's at one of the jockeys. Maybe she's got collars. Yeah, that's right. Can you imagine Rihanna's silks it'd be a tiny little sliver of silk that poor people had to drive and just ride into their pads oh is that what it means i think that's what it is i think no i think he yeah he's obviously a

mega fan well he knows the words to um four or five seconds well he's in our navy did you call it they call it he's in her they call it. He's not, he's not otherwise known as Bertie McBurkeface. Oh, these people, they're endlessly

entertaining. I envy them that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, we were talking about Rihanna. Rihanna.

Yeah, Rihanna sure is a fine lady. Her new album is, I'm led to believe, is called Anti, A-N-T-I, all caps, which I found confusing because when I was reading the article, it said, The Anti-artist, and I thought, well, it's commercial, but she's not that bad. No. It's like she's having a crack at it.

Let's not make her the enemy. It's worried me about my new book's called Not the Anti. Oh, dear. That thing about just completely assuming that someone would know the words to your song. Someone told me they saw Margie Clark doing a show. Oh, yeah, Letter to Brezhnev. Yeah, she did a show in Edinburgh and she went on and she said,

right, anyone here now, come on, put your hands up. What's your favourite line from Letter to Brezhnev? Well, I mean, it showed tremendous confidence. Well, I know loads of lines. Well, not a hand went up. I mean, it showed tremendous confidence Well, I know loads of lines Well, not a hand went up I mean, the poor lamb She had to just bosky through I know all of her heart

I could have done that Really? Give us a good line from Letters to the President Tell Igar I love him It's not a great line No, I quite like it I like the Igar element There's another, there's a lot of The Igar element, they're a great band

There's a lot of expletives This is the problem I can think of five All with expletives, this is the problem. I can think of five, all with expletive. Really? You know that many lines from Letter to Brezhnev? That's all me and my sister did, was watch that film. Fantastic. Never made it to Russia, then. Never mind.

No, I've never made it to Russia. Hang on, is that a spoiler alert for Letter to Brezhnev? What? That, never made it to Russia. Do they make it? They don't make it? No, we don't. Well, I'm not telling you. We're reviewing it next week.

Oh, OK. Three bottles of beer, Frank. Letter to Brezhnev would certainly be a light attempt. Now I must check it out. Yeah. Do you hand over the microphone to the members of the paying party? I don't hand, I will dangle sometimes, leaning over the front row. Oh. But this is obviously after the gig.

No, I will, I did it recently, I just dangle out and let them, you know, they had to crane slightly upwards. Always keep them a little bit unrelaxed. Yeah. But I don't mind it. No, you don't trust people people I don't like them is my

problem no that's more my issue is I tuned out there we took my Russians no I just heard you say I don't like them people love Russians well we know you do bestie them cosmonauts slightly fascinated friends no well I'm meeting You love us, don't you? I must go to Russia, you know. It's slightly fascinating. Have you got any Russian friends? No. Have you? Well, I'm meeting one soon. I'll introduce you. How do you know you're meeting one soon?

Have you been to see a clairvoyant? No, it's through a friend. I think I know a good Russian that you'd get on with. Oh, OK. OK. Well, I... I... I've armed to meet them.

You see... Okay. Anyway. Of course, the most upstaged I was... I mean, I must have told you this before, but I still remember it. Yeah. I did a gig, and there was a...

It was in North London. There was a blind man, always used to sit in the front row. He was a regular there every week. And he was quite lively. He used to do a bit of heckling and stuff, and he became a local sort of character. Yes. And I was quite lively. He used to do a bit of heckling and stuff and he became a local sort of character. Yes. And I went on

and he said, get off you brummy git. And left a pause and said, has he gone yet? Nah. I mean, what can you do? You're lost. You just have to take it on the tune. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. What, I'll tell you what I hate. I mean, I don't like being upstaged at all, Frank. But we all know there's one night of the year

which is very much I have a slight ownership on, which is Halloween. Oh, yes. Because, well, some friends of mine have quite a good high-profile party, which

I often go to, etc., etc. And at any Halloween party, I like to look the best. And then one year, we had a work party here at our management company, and Daisy decided it was going to be her night. Oh, really?

And she said, oh, what are you wearing? I said, oh, I don't know. She went, oh do it might get a bit ready i'm not sure what i'm doing full hair and makeup she went for the blow dry i'm sure she had a professional makeup artist even though she said she wasn't going you said you didn't but it looked very professional spiders webs painted on the face i mean she looked amazing she got four hours in there but i was was underdone, because I thought she wasn't making that much of an effort. That's sly. It was sly, and then I

turned up and... No, sly, stoned. Just went past the... Did you not see? Oh, how are the family? Did you ask after them? Stoned. But yeah, Daisy upstaged me. Okay. But it was a good night for her, so I'm going to let her have that.

I think it's quite nice, that, because... Do you? I mean, how many days does she have? She's got youth on her side and beauty. I know. But, you know, they ain't worth a wooden nickel when it comes down to it. Talk about your teeth like that, since you've had them whitened, they're looking much better. They did look like wooden nickels.

They looked quite wooden before. They did look quite wooden nickels. They looked quite wooden before. They did look quite wooden. I miss that. Like a fence. I thought from a distance it looked like I'd swallowed a section of Ikea. Is that bad? Do you feel a bit more G-L-A-M now? No, because I have been... I mean mean we're back on my teeth though i keep period i can't quite see the difference yeah i say i so so wish i'd um color uh carded them or whatever it is you can

we take a poll it's a poll what does can everyone put raise their hands if they notice the difference the entire room that just raised their hand but you know, when it's staff sometimes they have to say the right thing. It's not a massive difference. Remember, I'm their bread and butter. White bread. White bread at the moment. That's your lunch. Lard. I'm having lard. It's whiter.

I would say the change in colour in your teeth is like, do you remember old-fashioned milk when it had cream on the top? Oh, yeah. It's probably gone from cream down to milk. Oh, I see. But is the cream still on the top? That's what I'm worried about. Yeah, probably.

Cream's still on the surface, it looks like. Oh. Now, I like that Aborigine Bosco we have here, but sometimes he gets too close to the studio. You can hear the overspill. Excuse me. I mean, I'm polite with him, but he's stubborn. I say.

I'll deal with this later. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we go back to the corner, Al? I think we could go back to email corner. It's been a while, hasn't it? Leave it to me here. Email corner. How was that one? That was good, I liked it.

That was very like the sort of thing you'd make me watch on a box set whilst I cried. It's an indication of how long it is since we visited Email Corner. Hold on a minute. Email Corner. Oh, we've not heard that for pure time, have we? Pure time. It must have been about four or five seconds. Ooh, yeah.

Four or five seconds. Here we go. Do time. Anyway, this email is referring to a conversation that we had about congas. Oh, yes, I remember that. I told you not to talk about that. It was eel week on Absolute Radio. Was it? Conga eel week. I get it. I get it now.

Out loud. I once remember trying... This is the emailer, not me, by the way. I once remember trying to get a conga going after a World Cup match in my local pub i think it was against germany and i thought everyone would be up for it but i remember feeling rather embarrassed when only myself and my mate were the only ones in the line i'm not sure if it even constituted as a conga good point come on man i think i have done a one man conga oh dear i felt well that's what he's saying how many have to be in the line for it to count Oh, dear. I felt like a damn fool. Don't you just get sectioned if you do that? Well, that's what he's saying.

How many have to be in the line for it to count? So I would recommend letting other people start them unless you're sure it will be successful. I feel like that about almost everything in life. It's a good question, though. How many people do you need to constitute a conga? It's like a popular twist on the tree in the forest. I started, well, I was one of four people that did a standing ovation this week,

and there were just four of us at the Empire Awards for Stanley Tucci, Lifetime Achievement. Just us. Even his family weren't standing, Frank. You're kidding me. Even Matt Damon, who gave the thing, was like, no one stood. Matt Damon's related to him. No, but he gave...

Matt Damon must have been standing if he gave him the award. He sat down by then. Oh, dear. It was just us. Well, I was one of four people that gave a standing ovation this week, and that was on a car park at 3am. Sorry, Al, as you were. He asks how many...

Let's go back to the Conger and Stourbridge. He won't care, though. He's not too cheap about it. Lovely man, actually, Frank, isn't he? Oh, yes. He likes talking about food. He does. He loves it.

Yeah. Were you asking him about white foodstuffs that you can eat? No, I was asking him to stop talking about food. I would recommend letting other people start them unless you're sure it will be successful. I have been scarred for life by this event and memories come flooding back at various parties now where one springs up and I get annoyed

with the person up front for orchestrating it. Regards, Carl from Stourbridge. Stourbridge. I bet he has some round the ring road. Your neck of the woods. Where's that then, Stourbridge? Down to Amblecote. Where is it?

Stourbridge. You know,blecote. Where is it? Stourbridge. You know, Adrian Charles was born in Hagley. Oh, he's always telling me about Hagley. Yeah, well, it's... Hagley, it's that sort of neck of the woods. He said it's sort of like... It's a sort of south-west. He said it's like Beverly Hills or something, or Birmingham.

Well, it is, you know. My dad used to say, if we win the polls, we'll move to Hagley. Oh. Yes. Yes, it is, you know, my dad used to say, if we win the pools, we'll move to Hagley. Oh. Yes. Yes, they were poor times. They see you rolling, they hate him. Um, yes. That was, um,

that's what it said on the sign on the way in. And, um, twinned with Albuquerque. Is it? Yeah. Who knew? Who knew? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were in this email

corner about the conga. I am interested to know what constitutes a conga, at what point. So I had this argument with a driver recently, who told me that he'd got five cars. Shut off. And I said, that's a fleet.

And he said, no, I don't think it's fleet. He said, fleet must be like ten cars. I said, where did you get that figure from? Fleet is, well, five, I'd consider a fleet. I think that's a fleet. What are you on that? So how many's a conger? Two? That's a good question. If two's a conger? Two. That's a good question.

If two's a conger, then Rihanna and Drake of the Brits did a conger. Yeah, that's right. Well, I mean, that's hardly likely. Well, it's like saying Torval and Dean did a conger. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That would have been great. Is that conger? It is. Don't forget the middle eight.

Ooh. I don't think there should... If there's a middle eight, then it's definitely a conger. Because that forget the middle eight. I don't think there should... If there's a middle eight, then it's definitely a conga. That's like ten people in it. Do you ever use the dying fly? We used the dying fly quite a lot. Hang on, is this torture? Is this some kind of animal class?

It's a tis-clas type of thing. You lie on your back and kick your legs and arms in the air like a dying fly. To the tune of... You know, that typewriter song type thing. back and kick your legs and arms in the air like a dying fly to the tune of the little little little you know that typewriter song type thing what did you do that in front of women and they just did it well initially in front of them and then behind them when they turn their backs in disgust we didn't you know if you're a serious drinker you don't really worry about things like uh you're not bromance they have girlfriends and things?

I didn't really have girlfriends, I'll be honest with you. People don't like you when you've got sick on you. That was the least of your worries. Yeah, that was when Frank started with the white food. Oh, white lightning. The sick on him. I think he meant the white spirits. Yeah.

Ah, yesterday when I was young, so many, many... Look at you now. No, my throat is not good. Do you know, when you did that, your teeth looked so white. Thank you, darling. Dazzling. It was worth all that pain. And thank you so much for listening to us this morning.

Happy Easter to you all. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.