The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skimmers

Episode Date: August 28, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank got stuck in traffic and spotted some unusual things on the side of the motorway. The team also discuss Tom Cruise’s helicopter landing, Al’s visit to a mechanic and synchromesh.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning to you both. Morning. And it's nice. It's early on, it's early doors,

and already I've had an uncontrollable laughing fit off air because Frank told me that Stanley Matthews played football until he was 50. Yeah, played professional football. he was 50 yeah play professional football we were talking Emily was asking

me how long I thought Cristiano Ronaldo might play for and I pointed out that Stanley Matthews played until he was 50 I don't know

if that could happen in the Premier League oh I wish it would I think he was still like might have to change his game he was still like

beating three men you know and he was in many ways the Ronaldo of his day with his jinxing dribbly runs. I wish he still was. Obviously that was when he got to 50. I miss the bald footballers. Yeah, well, he was bald.

Well, I know. Stanley Matthews. He also advertised cigarettes. But to be fair to him, to be fair to him, he would only advertise tipped cigarettes because he was a professional sportsman. He was such a responsible man.

He was very. And he used to say, the advert says something about cork, about the cork cleaning out all the bad stuff, which, can I say, kids, it doesn't. No. All cigarettes are very, very bad for you. The transplant has wiped out the bald footballer,

and I just, you know... There's a few, there's a few left. Really? Yeah. We won't name them. Who's the Sheffields United? A lot of them grow beards. And then Frank goes to name them.

They grow beards, so they look like... Do you remember those iron filing games when you could move iron filings around with a magnet to make beards and hair and stuff? They go for that look. Yeah. Nothing wrong with beards. The producer has pointed out

it goes out with a man who's got a beard like a forest. It's luxurious. Oh, it's well cared for. It's lush. See, my beard well cared for. It's lush. See, my beard was because I was too drunk to shave. Consequently, it was not well-groomed at all. I've seen the pictures, darling. But when you see a nice beard, you think, nice beard.

Yeah, you do, don't you? That's me, that's me, that's what I think. Who's your favourite beard? Brian Blessed, come on. I don't you that's me that's what I think but you know we're all different who's your favourite beard Brian Blessed come on I don't know about Brian he's so loud

voice of controversy I would think there was a sort of doormat of saliva constantly under the lower lip because you know

our actors most of all we've been to the theatre when you see spit shooting all over the place because nowadays it's like being on a shooting range yeah so dangerous but um yeah so no i don't like it as much okay i like um

i like those uh zz top beards oh wow do you mean they look like you could easily get a comb Easily get a comb through them. I like a more Nordic one. Nordics. Yeah, I used to have beard envy of the Premier League footballer Olaf Melberg. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know where he's gone to, but he had a very handsome beard. He's probably gone to Valhalla.

I wouldn't be surprised. Can I tell you something that happened to me at the weekend? Sure. When I left this show, I went away for a sojourn in the country. All right. I drove to... Middle England. A sojourn in the country. Yeah, I drove to Stinchcombe, which is in Gloucestershire.

Do you know it? No. No. It's 107 miles. It took me five and three quarter hours. Oof. Wowee. Yeah, I ate a bit of...

That new car sounds really slow. I ate a bit of... You know what? I ate a bit of a snarlop. Oh, I hate snarlops. It was a snarlop. There's no other way of putting it. What happened?

Oh, well, I was... Not much. I wanted to tell you this because of the extent of it. Yeah. I mean, that's a long journey, Frank. And I didn't stop for a comfort break. Did you not?

Your control is phenomenal. Oh, no. Partly because I... Oh, we don't know that. We might have toiled this brand new car. No. It's partly because I hate comfort in all its manifestations. Yes, you do.

Not the fabric conditioner. No. No. Actually, I hate that. I hate that as well. I'm going to officially say I hate Comfort, the fabric. I don't like my jumpers until they feel like they're made of hessian. Only then can I truly feel at home in them.

I thought if this couldn't double as an Elephant Man cowl, I don't want to wear it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I couldn't double as an elephant man cowl. I don't want to wear it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I did. This is what really was bad for morale, is that the A40 was so bad, I did a thing I never, ever do, and I thought, I'm going to get off at the next junction and find my way

around this which is not I mean I can't find my way to the lavatory most of the time you still every time we leave absolute radio you sort of slightly falter knowing where to go to your car yeah and also when I get in my car and i noticed this this morning when i approach my car i have to look for the steering wheel so i know which door to get in i always have to do that nevertheless i decided to get off at a junction and i thought and there was still a load of traffic because a lot of other people getting off because it was really like the end of the world not you know stationary traffic so what i did i'm sorry to interject uh but ow i'm sure you'll appreciate the need to ask this were you using ways or or another i was using whatever whatever's on the

car must have sat now yeah exactly so i was using that i've that. I've got it 3D. I don't want it 3D, but I can't get it off it. And also later this week, a woman has started giving me directions on it. I don't like the voice. Yeah, but Kath will do that. No, but I don't like the voice. I don't want the voice. I can't switch it off. I'm stopping it. You can get Boy George's voice, which

is good. No. I don't want anyone's voice. It's the crocs. Anyway, so I got off. i actually went off at the junction which is one of the most grown-up things i've ever done in a car and i've fallen more grown up to get out of the car and go for a walk like some people do in traffic jams yeah i um i don't i don't get it i uh i saw a bit of road rage yesterday when a man got out of his car to go and tell off this bloke who'd cut in front of him because if you cut in front of someone you don't want to be doing it interstationary traffic

yeah and he came around and they were oh man it was so male oh can you send me the video i didn't i didn't it would have been a good video actually because a lot of finger a lot of finger wagging but the bloke didn't wind down his window and And I always think, you win if they don't wind down their window. Go on. So you're off the junction. So this is what I did. I got off at the junction and I thought, well, I have achieved something now. And then, of course, I started heading for the next junction.

And then I drove around a bit. And there's still a lot of traffic because everyone was trying to get out of it anyway I got back onto the a40 exactly where I come on I thought that man I recognized that man that fan was just in front of me and now it's like 200 yards and i just drove straight back into the same traffic jam just a bit further back how did you feel i felt um unwell i would have luckily i had um i think it was the time sirens which is a three-doctor adventure on CD. Oh, here we go. Which got me through it. I also at one point listened to Ralph Richardson

reading The Rime of the Ancient Mariner three times in succession because I had time on my hands. Could you imagine being stuck in traffic hearing that from the con? A sadder and a wiser man, he knows the morrow morn. Exactly. I mean... It is, and he does it like that. from the corn saturn a wiser man he goes the morrow morn exactly I mean it is and he does it like that

it is an ancient he doesn't just do it it's an ancient it is an ancient mariner he stoppeth

one in three car horn sounds oh dear so yeah so it was a terrible circular Kafka car horn sounds. Oh dear. So yeah, so it was a terrible circular Kafka-esque man trapped in the modern world drama on the way home. But it's all right.

Bring it in on Absolute Radio. The last big traffic jam I got stuck in, I was trying to get back home to watch England play in the Euros and completely missed the game. Maybe we should run a where were you going when you got stuck in your last big traffic jam. Well, my plus was there wasn't a real deadline to get to the place I was going, which then you can relax.

I mean, it becomes, for a man of my age, a bit of shed time, you know, sitting in the car on your own. It's quite nice. I had some chocolate almonds with me. Oh, nice. Extra strong mints. Extra strong mints.

Lovely cab driver from the 70s. And of course, water, water everywhere, and all the boards did shrink. Well, I had a few long journeys, Frank, myself, and I wouldn't describe it as a traffic jam. It was sort of a gentle hold up. Yeah, it wasn't a snarl hop up yeah wasn't a snarl up wasn't a snarl up and i find i quite like it though the sense of community that i feel they're my temporary

brethren the cars you know you get quite familiar with the cars that are sort of immediately in front of you and next to you yeah and when And when the traffic jam disperses, I feel slightly empty inside. I feel like I have to say goodbye to them. I miss them, is what I'm saying. Well, I was in a lovely one in Marseille, where a man started blasting his horn, even though clearly nothing could be done. And in the end, we all did.

Everybody started blasting. And it done. And in the end, we all did. Everybody started glass. And it was sort of at the universe, not at other car use. And it was a lovely communal feeling. Do you also feel, boys? Yeah, it was a bit of that. It reminded me, of course, you know, when an alien attacks the Earth and suddenly the earthlings become unified like an independence

that kind of thing I have another great thing about the traffic jam is I feel it's a calorie free zone not when you've got chocolate almonds and extra strong mints I think she means they don't count

it's like being on a plane I sort of feel all the rules go out the window. The Tangfast sticks, I ate a packet. Yeah. I mean, that's quite a lot. My frustrating thing was I ran out of Doctor Who Big Finish audio. And then I realised afterwards that in the new car, I can play it straight from the app.

And I thought, I haven't got the app and I've I thought I haven't got the cds that was frustrating but generally it was okay and when I arrived everyone was going oh god that must have been a nightmare and I was saying no it's all right actually five and three quarter hours in the car wow well it's a new car and yeah you know it's not a major hardship is it I feel I've worked my way around the dash a bit more now. Yeah. It's a great way of finding your way around the dash is finding five and three quarter hours in solid traffic

because you can have a look at it. You know, there's no one going to... You're not going to hit anything because you're not moving. Wow. Yeah, so that was... I saw some... I'll tell you a couple of things I saw, though. What, on the dash? I saw some. I'll tell you a couple of things I saw, though. What, on the dash?

I saw two things I've never seen before. Now, you might both turn on me and say, what? There's one of those on every corner. I think this is too good to waste. I think you should do a little tease for two things that Frank found on his dash. Two things I saw on the road

that I have never seen before. When I say on the road that I have never seen before. When I say on the road, I mean, you know. We know. Yeah, I don't mean, I'm not going to list roadkill if anyone's anxious. Oh, God. Biggest roadkill you've ever seen. No! Brilliant.

I'm playing that for my partner, Kath, who loves Kate Bush and whose birthday it was this week. What did I buy her? What? I bought her a Sharpies box set. That's sharp. Nice. No, it's Sharpies, a collection of Sharpies of various colours.

Yeah. Oh. But different... Back to school. I didn't realise. What, beginning of a new term? You've got a vodka! Back to school. I didn't realise beginning of a new term vodka in a supermarket

in a two for the three for the price of two offer in the back to school section I didn't know there was fine sharpies did you?

fine pointed ones I'm not that I'm not that up on the world of sharp sharpies in fact the sharpies I've come to know ought to be called

blonties that means something else, Frank. Does it? Not to Frank. Okay. Okay. So, here's one of the things. I was driving past a public house and I saw parked on the car park.

Hang on, is this part of your teaser? This is one of the things. The two, well, we were on tenterhooks here i mean this excited since the last doctor who season started no so two things frank saw on the road okay so parked on the pub hot was it was a trailer on a car and it said psychic hot and on the back of it the door was shut and i i wrote this down it said that reading in progress do not knock the door no it said i suppose if you do not once for yes, twice for no. But yeah, so it was, and it was bright red trailer. Oh.

And I was really hoping, because there was a front door where you went for consultations, and then at the back there was another door, which must be where the bloke goes out for a smoke or whatever, or a woman. there was another door, which must be where the bloke goes out for a smoke or whatever, or a woman. And I was really hoping there'd be a couple of blokes dressed as ghosts just hanging around out the back waiting for their appearance. With the Reebok trainers visible on the sheet. But can you believe it was quite a deluxe, quite a cute little trailer, bright red.

Oh, I think there's quite a bit of money in ripping people off about the other world. Well, look, I'm not saying they were ripping people off. The world is finished. I believe they are now part of the entertainment industry, are they not? Are they? I think they have to define what they do as entertainment legally. Is that right? Yeah, I believe so.

But anyway, it's 20 quid a throw. It's out of all the details on the outside of the heart. And what's the address? Is it Public Art Park? Well, it's mobile. Oh. So they'll come to you. Oh, they come to you. Yeah. Like Deliveroo. Yeah, exactly. Deliver-oo.

Deliver-oo. Oh, Frank, that needs a jingle. Come on, that needs a jingle. Come on, that is incredible work. That's what they should call it. So anyway, I saw that. And then I saw... You guys might have seen... It was one of those things that I thought,

I bet these have been around for ages. But I've never seen it. It's a new phenomenon. Oh, now we've got another cliffhanger. I've got two cliffhangers over the two things I've seen on the show.'s a new phenomenon. Oh, no, we've got another cliffhanger. I've got two cliffhangers over the two things I've seen. Don't do this to me, Frank. I mean, the excitement levels, I can't go. I know, luckily, knowing that I'm a man

who can go five and three-quarter hours without urinating has helped me get through the stress of these two cliffhangers. OK. But it's going to be all right, everyone. It's worth waiting for. Or not. but it's going to be alright everyone, it's worth waiting for or not Frank Skimmer Absolute Radio So

now this is one of these I feel this could go wrong because I could tell you this and it could just be nonsense and I've misinterpreted it and I'll be humiliated publicly That's a very idea It's a very professional comedy though isn't it Yeah and I'll be humiliated publicly. That's a very idea. It's a very professional comedy, though, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I...

I'll have a go. I think humiliation is probably my best cardiovascular nowadays. Yeah. OK, so I saw a man who had... This is the second thing we should say that Frank saw on the road. I saw a car and it had a sticker on the back that said, I've got a black box fitted. Yeah.

Now, the only black box I've ever heard of is the thing that tells you what went wrong on the aeroplane. Do you know what I mean? I like your technical description. Yeah. The thing that tells you what went wrong. Yeah, well, that's what it's for isn't it but this um then it had like it was like a joke sticker also and it said yes i'm and

then there were some words with asterisks oh i'm not basically i'm not happy about it either and then this uh the driver was observing the speed limit so religiously. Well, it was annoying. You know what it's like when people observe the speed limit. What a square, eh? I know. Loser. Loser.

They're only a guide. For goodness sake, clearly they're only a guide. You know what, Al? Since he's got that new car... No, but... He's brought out a real boy racer in him. He's turned into one of those guys, hasn't he? You know what I mean, though.

It reminded me of... I'm assuming... I mean, tell me, does that mean that there's a black box won't let you go above the speed limit? I think it just sort of watches them. I don't know for sure. Is it like the spy in the cab?

Do you remember that one? Laurie drivers used to moan about the spy in the cab, the tachograph, I think it was called. That's right. It's still going, I think. Yeah, imagine how confused Mexican Laurie drivers must have been by that. So does he mean he's watching you?

Yeah. Is it the equivalent of when the News of the World used to say, our lawyers are watching? No, but he's... I think what happens is if they then have a crash, the insurers look at the black box and they say, actually, you are driving at 32 mph during this impact. Yeah, but who would have that?

Which is above the legal speed limit. Who would want that in their car? Somebody that wants £100 a year off their car insurance or whatever it is. And the price they have to pay to observe the speed limit is to be watched. There isn't enough. Not for £10,000

would I do that. Absolute Radio encourages everyone to observe the national speed limit. Of course, of course. This is light-heartedness. I wouldn't for one second break national speed limits. Of course, of course. I'm only... Of course, this is lightheartedness. I wouldn't for one second break any speed limit. Let me make that absolutely clear. So this character, Frank,

and I have to say, anyone with a sign saying, I've got a black box fitted, I would describe very much as a character. Yeah, well, especially as it sort of said, yes, I'm blah, blahic asterisked about it as well is what it said yeah does it mean he's had a previous run-in with the law i mean it's sort of the equivalent of an electronic tag isn't it yeah it's saying look i've got to have this black box

it's my shame i wondered if it was like a sort of asbo tag or something like that that you had to have if you've been... I don't know if they have those anymore, Frank. It's a stage. You know that speeding course? I think both of you went on it, didn't you? Oh, name and shame, why don't you? We went on it together.

We're not the ones. That would be a great romance, wouldn't it? We met on a speeding course. Yeah, we took things pretty steady at the beginning. Oh, man. Anyway, I found it. Yeah, there he was, observing the speed limit like there was no tomorrow. In fact, more like there was a tomorrow.

This is Frank Skinnerner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show on 81215 some of you have

and we'll be reading those in a second follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio

website We've had a lovely I'm going to retweet it actually And Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a lovely... I'm going to retweet it, actually, from one of our listeners, Eve Potts. OK. I like the sound of Eve Potts. She's relative of Caractacus. Yeah.

Or an event in the Highland Games. Yeah. The Potts family were away this week. Skimming Stones on Ullswater. Nice. And comedy gold, Eve Potts has pointed out, from the youngest Potts this week. Good stones with lots of bounce referred to as frank skimmers. Very nice.

I tell you what I like about that is my son is a very enthusiastic stone skimmer, so I can drop that in. It is a great feeling when you get anything over four bounces. It's really tremendous. And he's with his father, Matthew Potts, who what I like is Matthew refers to himself as an official grumpy git. He'd be a lovely friend for you, Frank. Yeah. Welcome to the gang yeah it's um is it true the barnes wallace the man who invented the bouncing bomb um who broke down a lot of german dams is it true that he got the idea from watching his child skimming a stone on the thing. Do you have any ideas? It's very specific text in your mind. It is.

I was going to say... You know my Barnes Wallace text? Have you ever seen the film? We're only going to get yes or no text messages. The Dambusters film has got the worst special effects of any film I've ever seen from any era. Oh, have you not seen Doctor Who recently? How dare you?

Frank, Steve Clifton has also been in touch. Steve-o! Steve Clifton from sales. Yeah, I was talking to Steve Clifton about the van. He said it's done 11K. We're going to have to ramp it. Sorry, have I drifted onto talk radio? Steve Clifton saw a girl wearing one of those sweatshirts

with her classmates' names on the back. You know, I believe that's a thing in schools, isn't it? From the logo, I could tell she went to a faith school. So I was disappointed that it still said Leavers 21, i.e. the year, when surely Believers 21 would have been far more appropriate. Yeah, that would have been good. Well, until next time. I'll be leaving again next year.

Let's see. And we've also had a lot of people, Al, haven't we, getting in touch about the black box? Oh, yes, the black box. So was Al right? It's a sort of an insurance thing. Pretty much. It's a motoring issue.

Of course he was right. Of course. Young drivers can have black boxes to get cheaper insurance. They're restricted to speed, miles they do. Insurance for under 20-year-olds is around £4,000. And black boxes... Perfect sound effect. That was really good.

I've been spending a lot of time with builders. Black boxes can reduce this by £1,000. My goodness. Yeah. That's all right. From Martin. I had a weird thing the other day

with a car. This is very illustrative of the change in my life over the years. I was driving and the car made this horrific

metal screeching sound. Oh no. Like properly horrible, like not even sci-fi, like, just too real. I was going to say, that's what Frank has all the time with his Davros tapes. Like, I mean, I really...

And as it happened, it was a noise that I thought I had heard on a previous car that we'd had, where behind the wheel, like, a metal dust plate had come off and was screeching against the wheel. You hadn't gone through your synchromesh, I hope. Anyway, I so happened to be

just two corners away from a mechanic that I use quite often. I just drove it straight to him. Mechanics I use quite often. Yeah, my local mechanic. Oh, God. I wonder what mine is. I must ask mine is. Oh, now I'm quick fit.

I must ask my PA. Am I going to have to do a cliffhanger on the noise I heard from my car wheel? Because it's time to... Yeah, I'm watching. Can you do anything like an impression of it, though? Oh, it was like... But worse. First 100 times worse. I have to say Emily's right

I hear that a lot in my car but it is my big Finnish audio did it at any point go doctor I can't remember

it doing so I was mid car wheel noise anecdote. Yeah. But at first I didn't know it was the car wheel. I just, I knew that it sounded a bit like a previous car problem that I'd had where this metal sort of dust cap was screeching against the wheel. So I took it around to Andy, my local mechanic. Sorry, are you in an episode of EastEnders?

Who has a local mechanic called Andy? Everyone's got a local mechanic, haven't they? Yeah, I've been lost after. So he jacked the car up and he took the wheel off and he's sort of putting his hand behind it and a tiny stone fell out as he was shaking the wheel and it had been between like two metal plates making a horrific sound and andy swore he said you know uh there it is the little thing he wasn't happy about it anyway this is the reason that i bring this up because it's quite illustrative of

my change in life i phoned my wife and said, oh yeah, it was a stone the size of couscous. And then what? Al, you've ruined this. There was so much testosterone in this story and I was loving that and now you've ruined it. It gets worse. I corrected myself, went on the phone, I went

actually, no, not couscous, more like bulgur wheat. I said, no, no, it was even bigger than that. It was about the size of a toasted pine nut. Oh, wow. I got free school dinners, and now listen to me. Welcome, Al. We're happy to have you.

Really middle-class mechanical problems I'm having now. It's good, though, because I couldn't picture bulgar wheat. I mean, I must have eaten Doc, because I couldn't pitch a bulgar wheat. I mean, I must have eaten it, but I couldn't. Just like that, if somebody said to me, if they got a wheat identification chart, yeah, I'd struggle on that. You all have been served it, Frank, at one of those parish brunches. But if you crash the gears now, if that's still possible,

isn't it synchromesh that you remove? People are always talking about that. Well, I don't know. You're just making up terms now. Oh, get anyone out there. 8, 12, 15, what's synchromesh? Andy, Andy will know, won't he? Oh, yeah.

Ask Andy. Do you know, I love he? Oh, yeah. Ask Andy. Do you know, I love that you've got a guy called Andy. It must be a great guy. I miss having a guy. I like those people, and a woman, you know, but I'm just saying in this instance, Andy is there for all your mechanical needs, and I like people like that.

But when you go round out, are you slightly uncomfortable at the sight of his ribald calendar? No, I'm fine with it. How many peanuts has he torn off? Oh, I'd be worse than that. Oh, will you? Yeah.

But you're going to get your hands dirty anyway. I find whenever I go in to get something, there's a place not far from you, Frank, you'll know where it is, where I go regularly. No't oh no you won't actually um to get my my pressure checked etc and i find i i assume a bit of a persona sort of garage girl oh okay i go a little bit like yeah i'm laid back i'm cool girl i sort of go hey guys i wouldn't ever say that oh i see i like that you'd go a little bit posher oh no i think they'd like that oh that posh bird's uh coming in this afternoon oh no no i go a bit you know sort of hey guys uh how you doing doing? Oh, I don't like my garage persona.

It's a bit try hard, Frank. It's not, you know, you don't have to do it that much of the time. Well, there you go. So I feel now I'm in that thing where there was a moment I could have got out the link. Oh, I've ruined it. No, no, you haven't. I did a bit. No, no, I could have got out there.

That would have been a bit. Well, I'll tell you what. Go on. I'll tell you what we could get out on. Go on. The lovely thing for you from 387. Go on. Saw Frank at the Liverpool Empire recently,

and he was much like a scarecrow, outstanding in his field. That's good, that, isn't it? Okay, I thought that you'd like that. Put a smile on your little face. Yeah, and also, I've got a scarecrow element. I was once introduced by Bob Monkhouse and he said,

and now Frank Skinner, a man who hasn't let success go to his clothes. So, yeah, what else from the outside world? Well, I think first and foremost, we should deal with the fact that we've had Synchromesh defined for us. OK. 082 has helped. Hi, team.

Synchromesh removes the need to double de-clutch, i.e. when you change gear, you don't have to match the engine revs to the new gear. There you go. Now, was I accused of making that word up, Synchromax? Yes, you were. Now it turns out. I humbly apologise.

Oh, marvellous. Or something like that. And then he says, you still hear lorry drivers double de-clutching. Regards, Jimmy the Face. For a different world regards Jimmy the Face. For a different world. Jimmy the Face. I'd also like to just hark back to last week's show

for a message that we've just got in. I love it when we hark back. Of course you do. Previously on the show, you were discussing writing letters to people who you were a fan of, and, you know, fan mail.

Yes. And responses therein. 698 has just sent this splendid example. Catching up on last week's show and interesting responses to fan letters. In the late 70s, while I was at primary school, we were encouraged to write to theatres in London and to ask famous actors for an autograph

and one or two insights into their world. I wrote a very polite letter to Kenneth Williams at the Old Vic. Imagine my excitement on receiving his handwritten reply. Unfortunately, there is no record of his vituperative, expletive-laden response as my mum instantly ripped it up and threw it in the bin. Oh, no. As it reduced me to horrified tears.

Suffice to say, it was a no. That's from Ruth in Blackheath. Well, for balance, I would like to say I had a wonderful autograph opportunity from him. You know, I was banned from asking for autographs. Oh, were you? Fair enough. My parents wouldn't let me. They said,

don't bother people when they're on their day off, darling, it's very rude. But I thought it was fine and Kenneth Williams, he was at my school fete. Right. And I queued.

I queued for Williams. And, you know, I've got to say, I'd like to offer some balance here. He was charming. Okay? I mean, it's hard. You can see someone losing their temper having a bad day,

but to write a letter... Get down, write a letter, put it in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and you're still angry enough to send it during that entire process. That's quite a thing. Unless he thought it was really funny to send, like like a letter full of

it might have been tongue in cheek abuse it doesn't work on the page yeah especially when you're writing to children it's probably not yeah I was dining out with Peter Cook once I can't actually tell you what he said but a guy came up to him and

told him what a massive fan he was and stuff. And he was abusive to him, but it was just perfectly, just the right side of the bloke was sort of enjoying it. Yes. But maybe Ken kindly slipped off below the line. I have to do it though. That was if he was also a World War II aeroplane. airplane. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Al was sharing with us a fan letter story with a somewhat tragic ending. Well, let's say Kenneth Williams misjudged his audience and that

it was all supposed to be comical. I like to think so. He didn't read the room. No, he didn't read the room. He wasn't hiding. He did call his memoir acid drops. Goodness sake. Vince from

Birmingham has got in touch. When I was 12, 13, I had a massive crush on Svetlana Boginskia, who was a Russian gymnast at the Seoul Olympics. OK. CFAX or Oracle, marvellous, had a page about getting in contact with Olympians. Really? So, I've been somewhat irresponsible of CFAX or Oracle.

Anyway, so I sent her a letter asking for a signed photo. I thought nothing of it. Until about two months later, my mum woke me up in an agitated state, asking why I'd been sent a letter from the Russian embassy. Oh, she must have been worried that a shy altar boy from the Birmingham suburbs had been got to by the KGB. Alas, no espionage was involved. Just a bit of innocent deviancy.

No photo was sent, by the way. Just a small letter advising that Svetlana didn't do that sort of thing and not to get in touch again. Brutal. Wow. Thatutal. Wow. That was brutal. I like the totally gratuitous never get in touch again. Yeah, because it would have been easier

for Svetlana to just sign a photo, wouldn't it? Or ignore it, just ghost them. Yeah. Maybe she'd become a non-person in the meantime. Oh, don't. God meantime. Oh, God forbid. I want to Google her now to see what he found in this.

Oh, yeah, right, you want to Google her to see what he found. Yeah, I'm owning up to that. Well, good luck Googling Russian gymnasts. I'd clear history if I were you. Yeah, I'll never guess at her name. It'll take me an hour or two. I wrote to Zola Bod, so I've got nothing to be proud of. Did you really? I did, yeah.

What did you say? I got a signed photo back. What did you say? I said I was an enormous fan of hers and very impressed by her athletic prowess. Bare feet? I don't think I'll mention that. You didn't mention that? No. That must have been difficult.

No, it was the first letter. It's not like email. There's something naturally sordid about emails, but a letter has a formality about it. It's a lovely letter, a nice photo. She sends you a nice photo. Did she sign it personally? Yeah, signed.

One imagined a sort of woman who wrote her name with her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth. Do you know what I mean? Very carefully, very hard pressed on the photo. Really, you could see a bit of the signature at the back of the card. It would have been nice if she'd put her feet into paint and then just stepped on the letter. I imagine her feet were as hard as iron, didn't they? It seems amazing to think she ran on bare feet now, doesn't it?

It does. She breeds ostriches now. On her farm in Bloemfontein. Is that true? Keeping up to date with her on the old Google Alerts. You've got the old Bud Alerts

on your phone. It doesn't everyone. Frank gets updates on Doctor Who and Zola Bart. Badalerts. Well, I'd also like to... Have we got time? We might have to trail. Should we trail this Frank?

Go on, trail. Previously, as part of our previous correspondence, most embittered mastermind contestant ever. Well, that's got me hooked. Let's face it, that's going to be a big crowd to choose that from, I would have thought. Very briefly, Line 04, we went to West Midlands Safari Park on Wednesday. Oh. Whilst driving around that area, I did wonder if I saw Frank driving a black Land Rover Jeep-type vehicle.

Could it be? Oh, Frank as a keeper. Frank working in the Midlands Safari. If I worked, I'd insist on one of those with, like, zebra print. You know those Jeeps? Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, I want zebra print. I don with, like, zebra print. You know those jokes? Oh, yeah. I mean, I want zebra print. I don't want a black one.

Frank, are you a ranger? No, I haven't got any ranger work. I did once feed the penguins at the Cotswold Safari Park. Oh. That was great. Lovely. They love a bit of fish, the penguins. Do they?

Is that all they eat, then, the fish? That's all I gave them they might have a i don't know if there was a dessert given by another celebrity what were you expecting paulo grady turning up with the pavlova i don't know i suppose i thought well they won't just eat fish you know you'd get bored wouldn't you i thought they might think they get some chips no i thought they might you know mushy peas also what sort of cannibals are these people? I mean, if they could get any food, it will keep where they operate in the freezing thing.

How long does it keep for them? I suppose there's a big myth that mice eat cheese, don't they? But if you've ever got mousetraps, then apparently the thing to put on there is chocolate, like Snickers or some bacon or something. Al, I'll tell you what else. peanut butter oh yeah let's not talk about killing animals or al will read out the biggest ever roadkill text we have had that reply i know but i mean i didn't i don't know was i serious i don't know but it was it was it's too it's sad no and it's sad and also with your work as as the ranger for the West Midland Safari Park,

you need to be careful of this, Frank. I mean, you know, imagine the problems we have getting rid of an elephant when they pass. Yeah. I see you as a sort of, what was his name? Mr Peasley, I think he was called. Ooh, ooh, Peasley, Peasley. We're on a cliffhanger. I'm sorry. The most embittered Mastermind contestant.

Yes. I think this was something I suspect that came up when the recent Mastermind winner, who I think you had some sort of online connection with. Oh, I don't know what you're suggesting. Did you slip into your DMs then? No, I didn't meet him on Raya or Tinder. But I saw him do an interview

I think he was the youngest ever winner was he and then he replaced and they had a little chat with him and the previous youngest ever winner seemed to hate him he was very charming he got in touch with me briefly I mean it wasn't a sort of Northampton

clown type you know uh blossoming romance no but uh he was very charming and just got in touch with us so okay we have heard from budgie oh no that's re budgie i didn't apologize oh that was adam faith uh morning all i just caught up with your show of two weeks ago in which Frank came out with the vile lies of Tomorrow's World. Oh, yes. This was a different topic then, isn't it? Yeah.

Tomorrow's World used to tell you what the world would be like in the future. And as it transpired, it was a tissue of lies from more or less from start to finish. I love the fragment, the vile lies. Well, they were vile lies. I really, you know, I put down a deposit on a hover car for when I passed my test. It's the level of anger you feel. The moving pavement. I dreamt of being accompanied to school

by the same piece of dog excrement. It didn't happen. Anyway, this was largely just an excuse to remind myself of the brilliance of The Vile Lies of Tomorrow as well, but Prisoner879 does say, he thinks, he says, this strikes me as a brilliant specialist subject for the world's most embittered mastermind contestant. All right.

Perhaps Frank could use this if he ever does celebrity mastermind. Praise redacted. The vile lies of tomorrow's world is a topic. And we have Frank Skinner. Can you imagine, Frank? That would be great. That would be the best one ever.

Credit cards will light up in the dark. Imagine you spitting out the answers venomously. What were credit cards going to do in the next 20 years? What was going to happen to the automatic gearbox? All those, one question after another. No, that would be a good topic. It was nothing to do with the man who was the bitterest. I brought him up for no good reason.

Oh, well, he's probably still fairly bitter about it. I brought him up for no good reason. Oh well, he's probably still fairly bitter about the whole thing. I think that's all. I imagine you know we all go on about bad losers and that, but bad losers are much more entertaining than good losers, always. Oh, they stick around. When they used to

have that thing at the end of the week, it's linked, when they'd done the walk of shame, when they used to interview them. Do you remember that? Sometimes they'd that sometimes well i thought that was really unfair because some of them were really off on it right i loved their indignation the guardian this is frank skinner on absolute radio with em Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. Has there been contact? There has actually. In fact one of the people that has contacted via text message is the BBC football correspondent Jason Mohamed. text message is the BBC football correspondent Jason Mohamed

to Salford to cover the football. He's your new friend now. Yeah, I got interviewed by Jason Mohamed and what a nice man he is. We're planning to see a Cardiff City West

Brom game. He's brought that up. He said, just texting in to say, good to hear Frank talking on a recent podcast about how he loves Cardiff. A reminder, they offer to pop down and watch CCFC beat West Brom still stands. Oh, football bants as well. Yeah, bants.

He's got it all. Bants. Bants? It does mention your fine book Is the Doctor Who experience, which used to have its own building on the bay, there was talk of moving it to Cardiff Castle. I wonder if that has happened. I'm probably not the best person to ask.

No, I'm looking at you, but I'm asking the world. If they did that and then the space was just left vacant, they could just add a question mark to the Doctor Who like they've completely forgotten. Doctor Who? Well, Lee Mack told me that he'd been to the Doctor Who experience and they had my outfit from when I was in Doctor Who there. To be fair, your outfit...

He told me, stuck in his throat to tell me, but nevertheless. To be fair, your outfit from Doctor Who is probably the only outfit in the entire history of the show that I would wear. Oh, OK. You like that sort of

Bernard Crippen's The Railway Children look. I think I could work that look. Did you have a waistcoat, Frank? I had dongueries. There may have have a waistcoat, Frank? I had dungarees. There may have been a waistcoat as well. I can't remember. I think I could rock that as if I was running some sort of theatre

workshop in Stoke Newington. Well, Faye, our assistant producer to be next week, she, you go dungarees on occasion. That's sort of more of a Andy Pandy type of style. Oh, Andy Pandy, what a lovely reference. An engineer.

Did he, what was Andy Pandy's friend? I don't know. Ask Ali, he goes to his mechanical advice. Andy Pandy, teddy bear. The teddy, was it, no that? Was one of his friends. Yeah, but that's not a name. That's a breed. Was it Luby Lou?

Oh, Luby Lou, okay. I don't know you get a nickname like that. Come to think of it. Anyway. It's not interesting texting. I can't believe that struck me after about 60 years, but there you go. Anyway, yeah, here we go, Looby-Loo. Okay, okay, fine.

Here we go, Looby-Loo. It used to go, here we go, Looby-Loo, all on a Saturday night. Okay. Well, I mean, we don't need the calendar entry, darling. So, let's talk about something else. Oh, dear. Okay. Loopy.

I know, Frank. I stopped saying it. I don't think I've made it up. Well, I've got a lot of catching up to do. I don't like it. It's on a Saturday night. We're all on a Saturday night. I know.

Okay. Ian Stewart-Dewson. It's good to have a timetable. Ian Stewart- Stop it. Go on. Ian Stewart-Deweson. It's good to have a timetable. Ian Stewart- Stop it. Go on. Ian Stewart-Dukeson has got in touch to say I'm-

which is a little bit more wholesome. Yeah. I'm currently singing Vile lies burning like fire. Oh, that's good. Vile lies. That could be my walk-on music on Celebrity Mastermind

when I do the Vile Lies of Tomorrow's World. They don't have walk-on music. That would be my walk-on music on Celebrity Mastermind when I go to the Vile Lies of Tomorrow's World. They don't have walk-on music. That would be good for those. They theme the music to what they're specialised in. What, like a sort of Chris Eubanks, Simply the Best? Yeah, like when we had Alan Jones on my chat show and he came on to, if you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

Oh, you did, eh? Yeah, he was fine with it. Lovely lad. I mean, is that going to be your next autobi Yeah, he was fine with it. Lovely lad. I mean, is that going to be your next autobiography? He was fine with it. My next autobiography, how tragic. That must be due one. I was asked to do one.

How many have you written? I've only done what I would call two. Why didn't you do number three? No one cares anymore. Let's face it. Goodness. Why don't you do number three? No one cares anymore, let's face it. Goodness, why don't you call it that? Yeah. I'd buy No One Cares Anymore. That's a good title.

Frank Skinner alive. No one cares anymore out in brackets, let's face it. Close brackets. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There was a very thrilling sighting this week. Thrilling, because it involved Thomas Cruise Mappether IV. Oh, yeah. Who I don't think I've ever harboured a crush on any living human for so long.

Well, really. I just can't quit him. Me neither. I quite like that freckly woman who's Joe Biden's spokesperson. For God's sake, Frank. Yeah, but yeah. Speaking of Mission Impossibles.

I mean, I've always... But it is true that ever since I've known Emily, that Cruz has been in the chair, the good-looking guy chair. Do you know, even you saying his name, I felt butterflies, Frank. I get that when somebody mentions Wendy Craig. Extraordinary. No, because she was in Butterflies. Oh, I like that.

No, but come on, it's not out of the realms of possibility that you would also... No, no, she was Elfin. I just think... Whereas I never fancied Michael Elfic. It's weird, isn't it? What, TV's Boone? Boone was good, though.

I know. It was good. And actually, I really respect that you gave him his name because, as we know, he's one of those people like Lovejoy who doesn't often get credited with his. His real name is rarely used. Is that right? Yeah.

TV's Boone. There was also Tosh Lyons from The Bill. He was never given his real name. Was it Cocktail that made you a Tom Cruise fan? Is that when it began? Oh, wasn't some Johnny come lately? I was there the outsiders 1981 risky business 83 that's when you lot came on board i was there well before i've never

i liked him in the last samurai i said his top three oh it's good's good, Dad. I would recommend it. What did you recommend? Emily had a big recommendation. White Lotus. White Lotus. Absolutely brilliant. In fairness, that is a legal high that she was recommending. It wasn't.

It's a six-part drama on Sky. I recommended the same thing to Emma Peel in the 60s, and she drove one always afterwards. Oh, lovely. What is it? It's a drama, is it? It's a drama. It's about privileged people

in a holiday resort. Okay. Okay? Right. You might be able to relate to that, Frank. The show's not called Love Island.

No. Anyway, Tom. Do I want to drift too far away from Tom Cruise? Oh, don't. Oh, wow. It's my... Frank, can't you ever

introduce me? You're so well connected. I've never met Tom Cruise, actually, don't. Oh, wow. It's my... Frank, can't you ever introduce me? You're so well connected. I've never met Tom Cruise, actually. I know. Which is odd. I'm one of the few people in the world who haven't met him because remember at the film premiere?

I wish I could meet him. He would mingle for ages. I mean, just at the end, people would say, I've already got your autograph. Get in the cinema. He's so good with people, Tom. Oh, he's good.

You know why he's good with people? Yeah. Because he can't resist dropping the cruise grenade. Oh. I imagine he gets up and says, who am I going to watch being thrilled to meet Tom Cruise today? Oh, yeah. He loves it.

He loves it, Tom. We all love it, but not as much as Tom loves it. Well, he's over here. He's filming Mission Impossible. He's been filming it for the last 14 years. Mission Impossible 7. Oh, he's still got it, Frank. Wow.

What happened when the original cast members used to leave about at least around two? Like, Grease 2 didn't have... I think Rydell High was in it. That was about it. And these lucky beggars, they got a call. I believe they're called the Webs.

They've lured my Tom in. And they got a call saying Coventry Airport is closed. I mean, if someone called me saying that, I'd say big wow. Yeah. But they said, can we land a VIP in your field? So they must have thought a mayor, maybe a football manager.

No, they got crews. I mean, I bet you Coventry Airport was fully functional. And Tom said, can I land near some ordinary people today come on I love those guys Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio You've been slightly zinged Frank here we were discussing Tom Cruise diverting his helicopter to land in some people's field and 271 has texted I like Frank's description who's diverting his helicopter to land in some people's field. And 271 has texted,

I like Frank's description of an ordinary person, someone who's got a field to land a helicopter in. Yeah. I was being Tom when I said ordinary person. I mean, remember, there's a long way to go to be Tom from having your own field in Coventry. Yeah, my back garden, I couldn't have someone park a smart car that would be too much for my back garden

Tom would be causing chaos in my concrete patch well yeah here we go have I had anything to do with it I was in a helicopter once and I flew over the home of Mohammed Fayyad. And he's got a big H on the roof where he lands his helicopter.

I've got a combine harvester. And apparently he was absolutely furious that they wouldn't let him put one on the top of Harrods. Really? So that he could fly to work but um if you fly a commercial helicopter down into london you have to follow the line of the thames them's the rules having an h in the garden i flew out to the home once of uh celebrity hairdresser charles worthington did you in santa pay okay and i said oh is uh alan that That's his partner around. He said, oh, he's just on his way back from work.

And then I heard the whir of the chopper, and he landed on the H. Looked out the window, flying around by heli. What a lovely commute. What a life. A lot of money and serums. It must be a nightmarish walk for a celebrity hairdresser underneath the blades, blowing it about.

When customers do it. I mean, he must be really putting the spray on, hadn't he, before he gets off so that it's not messed up. I like your story about Michael Flatley. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when I did the Royal Variety performance and shared a dressing room with Michael Flatley, he stood squatting in front of the mirror so that he could get his whole... I mean, that is enough.

And he had hairspray in each hand. Here we go, lubey, lubey. Yeah, and he sprayed his hair. He emptied two cans of hairspray onto his hair. But, of course, when you're dancing like that, keeping the hair utterly motionless is not easy. You don't become the lord of the dance

without some serious illness. I know, but I could have taken him. Cost us the ozone layer though, didn't it? Well, you've got the lord of the dance. How perfect do you want

your life to be? Yeah, but what I'd like to have done is led him out of there and taken him to a building site and not given him a hard hat because it was not necessary imagine them doing the check no no michael you're okay oh the lord of the dance

it's been a while frank yeah this is like it was like to see him warming up so anyway i'll tell you what disappointed me about Tom. Imagine if you look below the Lord of the Dance. You say, oh, they've got mice. Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I think you might have a mice infestation upstairs. Yeah, it's got the flatly upstairs. Anyway, if I'd have been Tom, what I would have done, I'd have got the helicopter

to hover and I'd have done the cable drop I would have done, I'd have got the helicopter to hover and I'd have done the cable drop from Mission Impossible. Oh, that would be good. Oh, they'd have loved... Imagine the photo opportunity. Tom in the black outfit on the cable. With the polo net. Can I tell you, if you'd have been Tom,

you wouldn't be safe in this studio every week with me around. No. Because... What are you, some sort of cougar excuse me i'm younger than tom oh okay is it so you're not a cougar if the person is older is that how it works okay that's the same as a um a notion of it being slightly i don't know. My only knowledge is Courtney Cox, I believe, didn't she do? Cougar Town.

Yes, I believe so. She did. She did a role with a younger man. That makes sense. Anyway, more on Mappetha coming up. That's what he was known as at school, more on Mappetha. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So we should go on to discuss in detail what Tom got up to. Yeah, so he landed in their garden on the pretext that Coventry Airport was not operating. Oh, don't be so cynical. So jealous. I love the cynicism. not operation don't be so cynical so jealous I love the cynicism he got it

he went straight to the kids which is nice and chatted to them a bit he always delivers yeah I don't know

if he was delivering but he always delivers he delivers Tom Cruise basically yeah and then he

and then he gave them a ride in his helicopter. Yeah. I did. I was writing with David Baddiel in a cottage in Whitney in Oxfordshire. And I agreed to do Jonathan Ross's show. And I said, I won't be able to get there in time because we're working and they said we'll send a helicopter for you

wowee and then it was an incredibly I don't know it was an incredibly foggy day it was an earlier manifestation of East Chatchew it was very foggy and poor David Baddiel had to drive me down there because they couldn't get the helicopter

but when I got there, they said, we've paid for the helicopter. Sorry, that was my phone going off. I think it might be Jonathan Ross. I can't believe it. It's a howl. I'm not paying him back. That sounded like somebody had turned upside down,

one of those cow things. I thought I'd turned my phone off. It's my Chewbacca alert. Anyway. I tell you what, I used to have a teddy bear that when you upended it, it made that noise, sort of a groaning noise. This is actually a member of the Ross family who has texted me.

OK, I've got a coincidence. OK, there you go. Ross a lot. Always with us, my little angels. Go on. Anyway, so they said, well, look, we've paid for the helicopter, so you can go for a... You can still have it for three hours.

It's yours. So I took my girlfriend of the time, the phrase I like to use, my amour de jour, and her sister, and we just went flying around. Remember the bit where the helicopter pilot, he made it feel like we'd parked on top of the clouds

because he just hovered with the legs of the thing on the top of the clouds. I say I love Amour du Jour to try and add some sort of French class to the whole experience. It's a bit like when the 70s thing of My Lover when someone was having an affair. But it was, it was great. And I'm sure the kids loved it. Well, these kids, he elbow bumped them.

Oh, OK. Did he? For Covid. Then he went to a restaurant in Birmingham called Asher's. Now, I don't know Asher's. The only restaurant in Birmingham I'm familiar with, as you may recall, Frank, is Grill's Steakhouse with a Z. Yeah.

I didn't actually go there I virtually experienced it through a thief who charged it to my credit card remember? My favourite place in Birmingham is in Harbour and it's Paul's at number 41 Lovely

I'll recommend that Well you go ahead and recommend it but that won't change Tom Cruise's mind, because he's Asher's is his favourite. He liked it so much he bought two Chicken Tikka Masalas, £19.45 each. Yeah, but he didn't

He bought two, one first then another one. Exactly, I thought at first he took someone else, but then the owner of Asher's he said, yes, Tom ordered our chicken tikka masala, and then he ordered it again after he'd finished, which we take as the greatest compliment. I remember thinking to myself immediately,

if you're in Birmingham, don't go to Asher's, small portions. That was my that was my first thought. Absolutely safe Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

We were just discussing Tom Cruise eating a meal that he enjoyed and then immediately ordering it again which is not the sort of behaviour I think of as Tom Cruise-like. It's very me, actually. I didn't realise that me and Tom Cruise overlapped in the Venn diagram. I'll tell you what, isn't it very you, and you won't take this the wrong way.

I'm sorry, guys, but I just have to say, do you know what kind of a tip he left? So if we say the entire bill was £19.45. Right, let's do it again. Was that twice if he had it? No, it's not £19.45. Where do you think he's eating? Fortnum and Mason dining halls.

It's £19.45 for the two masalas, OK? Do you know what his tip was, Al? Carbon. Surely that means that one of them cost something two and a half, twelve. Well, he might have had a salty lassie. All right, fair enough. He might have had a salty lassie. Do you know what his tip was? Al, I put it to you. Do you know what his tip was?

Forty-five pence. Sixty pounds. Whoa! Nice. Frank Skinner, what do you say to that? 60 pounds whoa nice thanks what do you say to that well I was once with

Dennis Leary the American actor and comedian who's a friend of mine and we were in Planet Hollywood and

he wow this is most 90s anecdote I've ever heard in my whole life and he paid

for the meal and then when the waitress came over, he gave her a tip of £250. Oh, shut up. And she burst into tears. That actually makes me really like him. Yeah. And speaking of Mission Impossible 7, I think what's funny is that when I get an email from Dennis Leary, it says on the bottom,

from the set of Ice Age 9, which is a joke, but when you consider that Mission Impossible 7 is real, Tom is catching him up, he's joking, because Dennis is the voice of the saber-toothed tiger. Are you still friends with him? Yeah. That's a very glamorous friend. I hope you don't mind me saying for you.

He's a good pen pal, for sure. I'm quite jealous of that. No, he's a very good bloke. So, Tom, I think no one's come out of this badly. It's great for Tom. It's great for Ashes. That family, they don't deserve it, frankly, because they didn't put in the sheer hours of dedication I've put in.

I should have had him landing on my concrete patch. Well, I met a woman who was there that the police came to their house and said... Big round of applause. And they said, would it be all right if the Beatles go through your back garden to avoid fans? This was obviously back in the 60s. And so they arrived with two ladders.

They put one either side of their top fence and then the gate opened. In the days when there were four lovable mop tops. Cool. And she said she told all her mates and they were all lined up. They had like a sort of a guard of honour up the garden and they walked up, climbed over one ladder and went down the other ladder and off to the gate. Wow.

I would have asked them if they'd do a Photoshop on the ladder carrying BOAC bags but in my garden. But what a thing can the Beatles come through your garden? Well, no, actually, we're having a barbecue. No, they can't. Oh, I'm a bit jealous of having that story.

Oh, no, it's the best, isn't it? Look, Sarah Champion is up next. Listen to Sarah and thank you again for listening to us. It means a very great deal. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.