The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 05 June - Guest: Andy Nyman

Episode Date: June 5, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about Last Of The Summer Wine, Lembit Opik's debut stand up show and South Africa.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, and I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth. Good morning.

Good morning. Hi, Frank. Hi, Gareth. Hello. You all right, Gareth? Yes. Have you had an aneurysm? Oh, OK.

So, I'm just having a scratch. I don't know if you can hear that on here. It's not my first difficult moment of the week, I'll be quite honest with you. Why? What's happened? I was in Brighton. I don't know if you know Brighton. It's South Coast first difficult moment of the week, I'll be quite honest with you. Why? What's happened? I was in Brighton. I don't know if you know Brighton. It's South Coast, seaside town. And I'm worried now that the producer's changing buttons.

Could no one hear any of that at all? Emily sounded a little bit distant. Yeah, I liked it. Well, that's not the first time. No, exactly. Usually I sound distant. The producer has got hot pants on today, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I think we'll have to sack him.

So I was in Brighton and I was going to buy my girlfriend a maxi dress. Everyone's getting them now. We entered into the big debate, which I read about in this Monty and Star magazine. Is it maxi print or Maxi Play? Oh, Frank! But I thought, let her choose. So she was in the cubicle. I'm calling it the cubicle.

Oh, yeah. Some call it a booth. Some a changing room. And she did that thing of, sit closer, because I want to come out and show you the dresses. But you don't, there's a distance at which you can go to it. You don't go into the actual cubicle? You can't go into... You can't go into the cubicle, no.

Oh, I often bring them in. Oh, no. I'm sure you do. But, yeah, it wasn't a metre. But, um... So I... You don't want to get too close. In case you look like a bloke whose girlfriend isn't in there at all,

it's just a bloke who's hoping to see through that crack in the curtains, a bit of underwear. Oh, yeah. So I just stood there and there's a lot of people in the shop and they were listening to Radio 1. I don't know if you've heard of Radio 1. It's still going apparently.

And the DJ, who obviously I didn't recognise, someone found him and said could you play a song for me? And he said yeah, what would you like? And he said I'd like the original Three Lions, please. a song for me and he said yeah yeah what do you like and he said i'd like the uh i'd like the original three lions please oh yeah and i thought you must have been happy well i thought well i was in a shop though standing there and then this and then the dj said do you know what the new version and he said one ass it's a bit rubbish in it so suddenly not only

got a bad review sort of you know through the back door, but it was a public... I felt like my charges were being read out in court. So I'm standing there, and then they... It was a bit like being Josh Dubovey. I don't know who that is. He was our entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. So it's like public humiliation by music. And I had to stand there, then, why they played the song,

which is a kind of a... Some bloke came up to me and said, well, you'll be able to play her two dresses now. You'd better buy her two dresses now. What was he doing in the dress shop, filthy pervert? Yeah, and he was in the booth with my girlfriend. He never fully explained that, actually. He had a tape measure out of his neck,

and I suppose he thought that made it all right. Trying to see a crack through the curtains. Yeah, so I think that it's this view that people think, oh, if it's played on Radio 1, you'd probably get about 60 quid. So that would buy her an extra... But it was a public humiliation. Oh, fine. But never mind that, how was the dress?

Well, she came out in three dresses, all of which... She looked just great. Three dresses? Why three? Well, she'd come in three separate... Oh, OK. Not at the same time. It wasn't a shoplifting room. She wasn't carrying the Three Lions theme too far.

No. So, then she... And she looked great in all of them. She's got a lovely figure. Yes. And then she went back in and said, no, I'm not buying any of them. Oh, dear.

Rather, you're not buying any of them. And we left, so I felt a bit disappointed. And then, when I got back from Brighton, Kath looks me up on Twitter occasionally. I wish she wouldn't do that, but she doesn't. I've written this down. Why doesn't she just go into the front room and see? It's much easier, much swifter. She obviously wants to know where i am on a regular basis

so this was the twitter saw frank skinner this is in town meaning brighton saw frank skinner in town yesterday i know i like younger men but his girlfriend was so young even i was a little shocked well i'm delighted for Cathy that's an awesome review Cathy was absolutely thrilled she sent me this in an email called I'm so happy she might be happy

but what about me anyone who reads that I think he's disgusting you're not that disgusting no that's what I think I think as disgusting goes I don't register compared to some people. But, yes, anyway, she'll love me for saying this, but she's 39, so get over it. Oh.

Absolute. Radio. Frank, do you remember last week we were talking about Robert Mugabe's... Never ask a man of my age if he remembers last week. You're just going into an awkward area yes robert mcgarvey robert mcgarvey's philtrum that was it yeah which what is it's the bit it's the sort of that you that's underneath the some have more defined than others mine's very defined it's between the nostrils and the lip yes it's i used to see it as a sort of a drainpipe

when I was at school. We used to talk about kids with a number 11 on the top lip. Did you? Yeah. Those were the free school dinners, kids. They always had the number 11. Oh, those halcyon days.

Yes. So, Gary Walker has texted in and said, it struck me, this is in relation to Robert Mugabe's philtrum, that despite being a perfect band name, this musically would scan in place of Bananarama's lyric, Robert De Niro's Waiting.

Oh, so it would go, Robert Mugabe's Filtrum. Obviously not talking Italian. What would Robert, it's separating his moustache. Actually, it doesn't separate, it cradles it, really. He has a very thin central move.

So it'd be Robert McGarvey's philtrum, cradles his moustache, cradles his moustache. I like the backing singers role in that. Oh, I think you have to bring in... Even when Siobhan left, the very attractive one. Oh, those were dark days. And she was replaced by Laurence Olivier as Richard III. That's exactly who she looked like.

I don't know what that song is either. I hate hearing people say that. Oh, I don't know that I wasn't born. So it'd be like, It's the way that you do it. Now is the winter of our discontent. May glorious summer by this

ain't much do. It's the way that you do. Now are our brows bound with victorious wreath. Jackie, you're spoiling it. Yes. I like Dictator's Body Parts, though. Now that's what I call Dictator's Body Parts. Great compilation. We could have all sorts on there.

Yeah. I can't think of another one that's clean, though. We could have Adolf Hitler's colon. I don't know if that's clean. To the tune of what? Really saying something. Adolf Hitler's colon. Hitler's colon.

Bob, Bob, shooby-doo-ah. It works. Bob, Bob, Bobby, Bobby. They could be called Zibwama Rama Oh, I like it And feature mainly McGarvey based stuff

I don't know if he'd allow it there Apparently he's quite controlling That's what I've heard I've heard that It surprised me I thought He looks fairly laid back The only Bananarama song

I know is Guilty The Guilty one Which also works For Robert McGarvey. But he has to sing that, doesn't he? Guilty as a megabee. I'm not sure he's guilty of love in the first degree. I think he might be other unspecified crimes.

You could put other words in. I think you just have a line that could be filled in. I can't remember what he's done, Robert McGarvey. He might be a great bloke. He's done something. I can't remember what he's done, Robert McGarvey. He's probably all... I mean, he might be a great bloke who's just been, you know... He's done something. I'll Google it. Yeah, Google Robert McGarvey. We'll have something we can put in where guilty...

We love guilty, but instead of love... He's probably done some loving in his time. I wouldn't be surprised. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what I was very saddened by this week. This is the clue. Oh, God. Oh.

Oh. How depressing. I'll go to bed, I think. Is this truly as fast as this? No, no, this is as fast as it gets. This is as good as it gets. Need to beat. Yeah.

How depressing. Oh. Last of the Summer Wine. Well, anyway, the Last of the Summer Wine has been quaffed. Who knew? Yeah, so it's being pulled, Last of the Summer Wine. Oh, I used to really like that.

What, Last of the Summer Wine? So did I. First thing in the morning sometimes. Yes. But why was that news? What was it like, the news of 1973? And decimalisation has been introduced. Hold that thought, will you?

Oh yeah, listeners, hold that last of the summer wine thought. What will they say about it? Who knows? Where are old actors going to go to die now? There'll have to be some designated area. I don't like the sound of that. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, do Texas. Anyway, more on to that glamour subject of Last of the Summer Wives.

Exactly. I liked Garrett's idea that if you gave it a beat, it would beef it up a bit. That's a good idea. Can you handle that, Garrett? Let's give it a try. Let's break it down. Here we go.

I think that's Compu building a shed in the background. Bathtub coming downhill. No. No, it didn't work, has it? No. It's always worth trying. Could have worked. That's the morning! Just bring up your greatest moment,

just to bring your confidence back up. You know what I thought was really offensive is when they were discussing the fact that the show was being cancelled, they had as the headline in the Sun, Clegg over, meaning it would be the end of the road for the character, which I thought was horrible

for that poor old distinguished actor. Peter Salas. Yeah, Clegg over. I think it would be more horrible for any liberal Democrat who picked the papal. Oh, no, not him as well. Yeah, it's... I can't say... I'll be honest with you.

I read it. It was a big, sensational headline that they were pulling. And I thought, is that still on? I know. I thought it had gone about six or seven years ago it's like i read there was an eddie large um interview and it said in the paper it's an eddie large said this week to the tv times and i thought still going so i need i need to get up to date people have really got it that these things are disappearing and i'm all we don't even know i've had seven years to get

used to the idea that that's the summer wine is not anymore that music's so depressing though oh it's worse than my other ones that i hate you know when a theme music comes on you just think i can't i have to just turn the telly off you remember that mr ben when you were a kid oh that was It used to make me cry I hated that It didn't go like that, did it? Yeah, that was Mr. Ben Don't you remember that? No, I don't remember that No, no, nothing So what used to get on my nerves

was the Two Ronnies theme How did that go? Well, exactly How did it go? No, because it used to go Don't you stick it in your own time. Oh, yes, I do remember that now. Never started that theme.

And the one, well, I did Parkinson. I was interviewed on Parkinson and he shouted at me. Parkinson did? Yeah. Why? Because Sir Stephen Redgrave was sitting next to me and Parkinson asked me a question. Is that the rower man?

Yeah, the rower man. OK. And I said to him, I said to Steve and Ray Grave, I said, well, this must be like this for you, Steve. And Parkinson said, are you doing the interview or talking to him? Oh, he got threatened. And I went, ooh. And put a curse on him.

And as I've said before, there's no advertising debt on daytime television. Happens to us all. As if giving people a free pen makes it all right so um yeah so after that you know but after that i used to watch it i always used to go in hatred in a scathing way. I felt that somewhere got my own back. My worst theme tune was the Birds of a Feather theme tune. Oh, that's depressing.

Remember that? Too many of mine. When I'm alone. Oh, yeah. With only dreams. It was so wrong for a comedy. You hated it, but you listened to it enough times to learn the words. Yeah, I watched it quite a lot. But you know what I said?

No minor keys for comedy. That's the rule. That's an interesting rule that I'm going to write down. I think it's to lower the bar of comedy before the comedy starts. Do something really sad at the start. God, I wish I'd thought of that this morning. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Fabulous. fabulous that's uh jane's addiction with being caught stealing you ever been caught stealing oh many a time you know i read there's a theory that the first thing you ever steal

um reflects the job that you end up doing what what do you mean that's what if you look like a thief if for example you steal an album that's the first thing you steal it's liable you'll somehow end up in the entertainment industry oh really oh did you steal limelight oh i like it. It's quite good. Yeah. What is that? A gay novel. That's what you say. Oh, look. I am what I am. Because I would have stolen. I remember stealing an eyeliner. Oh, well, there you go.

And now you work for Instar magazine. Yeah, there you go. And a cream egg. I'm not sure where that comes into it. To be discussed. Well, you're soft on the inside. Oh. And very brown on the outside. You just you're soft on the inside. Oh. And very brown on the outside. You just got back from Mauritius, but you know what I mean.

And a bit sticky. Yeah. You ruined it, didn't you? Yeah, sorry. Frank had a nice tribute. Yes. What did you steal first? I don't know.

Have you ever stolen anything? Probably the closest I got to stealing was like, you know, if there's stuff like chicken from the fridge. Oh, live a little while, don't you? A bit of chicken in the fridge. Yes. Chicken carcass. That's what your current job is now. Like some slightly chilled dead meat.

That's what's turned out there. Anyway, so that's the phone in this morning. No, it isn't. But if you do want to text us on anything, we're on 8, 12, 15. I'd quite like to know what theme tunes people hate on telly. Well, we've just had to text in, and it's not hatred, it's kind of love, really. Oh, OK.

It's, do you remember the theme to Tales of the Unexpected? I used to get up to dance to it. Can you do the dance, please, then? You have to be naked. Gareth, can you represent flames? No, you need to dance behind Gareth, while he's flames. While he's flames. Some terrible school play. You people, you just don't want to Gareth. Well, he's flames. Well, he's flames. Some terrible school play.

You people, you just don't want to join in. That's your trouble. Yeah, it was a good one. There was a boy at school who lied and said that was his mum, and I believed him. It was quite a weird job for her to have done. Well, his mum was Joan of Arc. Could have been her.

Yeah, it was, but it's an all-time classic. That was a great show. I all-time classic yeah that was a great show i used to like more come in there anyway people don't hear this it's a music station they expect it to be recorded not people just doing it with their mouth that's what people but we do want to hear what shows people miss though don't we yeah well now that last the summer wine's gone i'd like to know what you miss off telly. Yeah, I miss Challenge Anika. Do you remember Challenge Anika?

Yeah, I do. That was good. And when have we needed Anika Rice more than now? Yeah, but Challenge Anika couldn't be like, get rid of the national debt. It had to be things... Why not? Well, okay. Well, I'll phone her. Everyone could chip in. I'll phone her, but it's a tall order.

That's feisty. I used to like... Do you remember a programme? It was a sitcom called Never the Twain. Oh, yeah. Windsor David. Oh, yes. And Donald Simpson.

And Donald Simpson. It was two old antique dealers. Was it about Mark Twain never being in it? No, they were living next door to each other and the premise was the same, wasn't it, Frank? Every week, there were two antique dealers that would try to outwit each other. And the cleaning lady would say,

oh, that old vase, I gave that to the jumble. And that was the denouement every week. And it would be like a really expensive vase. I'll tell you what I really miss on telly. Me! That's the morning! Anyway, it's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, with Gareth. What are we talking about?

Theme tunes people hate. Yes. Yeah, theme tunes people hate. Vince has texted in, I hate the Black Beauty theme tune. It made me feel sick to hear it. It made me feel sick to hear it. It's the bloke who wrote my intro to the news earlier.

How did it go? Oh, that was sad. Again, mind you. I'm waiting for the big bit. That's it. Here it comes. Yeah, that bit. I like it.

It's like dog barking. Yeah, Stacey Dornan was in that, if you remember. Oh, very good idea. I remember her getting... She was out in the rain on... Oh, she's always on the rain with that beauty. You have to keep it. It was raring to go.

Oh, yeah. And she got soaking wet. I. You have to keep it. She was raring to go. Oh, yeah. And she got soaking wet. And I remember as a young man thinking how beautiful she looked, drenched in the rain. Oh. What happened to Stacey Dawning, though? Well, I don't know. You know, as a young man, look at her fabulous big blue eyes.

Looking back now, so certainly thyroid trouble. I find. At the time, it seemed... You don't know that. She just seemed wide-eyed and excited yes next we've also had well we actually had a comment there's someone saying there's just something about the theme tune today of the triffids love it with its old-fashioned stylings that's mitch from london yes it means of course the edition that you were in and i think they

used the word old-fashioned suggest suggest when that might have been. Yes. We also had a comment in. Do you remember you were playing a track earlier and there was a dog on it barking? What, being caught stealing by Dan's Addiction? Yes. We've had a text in saying, thanks for the dog barking intro, Frank.

I'm driving back from a night shift as a dog handler with two now barking and howling security dogs and I'm getting some very strange looks. Well, it wasn't my intro, but that is on the track. That wasn't you barking. I love the idea that the dogs are going absolutely crazy. Let's see if we... Crying dog, barking dog.

Barking dog beginning to bark. Barking dog. A dog sleeping. That sounds like many men I've been involved with. Hold on, hold on. Dog breaking wind. That is disgusting.

I'm sorry. That makes me feel physically sick. I had to use the false air. Oh my God, I felt ill. It's all right. There's no odoricoms with you It's not

There may as well have been I'm not a method actor And Dog Sounds from Frank Skinner Will be out on CD Very soon Yeah I'm looking forward to it Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops

Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops

Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops

Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops

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Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops

Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops Pied Tree Shops

Pied Tree Shops Pied What was that? It's that muscle. It's that cannon from P.G. on my marching hair. I thought you were clearing your throat. He knows where he's from. Who knows? Who? We don't even know who he is. Say the name. Side cannon. Side cannon.

We've got armaments now texting us. Okay, side cannon. Yeah, we've got Ack Ack. From Aldershot. Short for Simon. Simon Cannon. From where? At P.G. From Aldershot. Short for Simon. Simon Cannon. Simon Cannon from where? At PGL Marchants Hill, Surrey.

Okay, thank you. Are you giving his entire address? Thank you for enunciating. Anyone who wants to write to Si Cannon, there you go. Si Cannon would be great. You light the fuse and he goes... Love my jokes. Shows that I miss... Don't put yourself down down i think you'll find that's my job

shows that i miss from tv magnum pi the a team and baywatch are they all still on yeah what he needs to get his satellite what i miss i miss his clothes down do you remember that oh yeah i loved a bit of clothes down at the end of the night, it's incredible now, but about 10 to 12, someone will say, well, that's it from television for today. Yeah.

What was on after that? The National Anthem. And then it went black. Then you were alone with your thoughts. Went black? Yeah. There was no telly

in the night. After 10 o'clock at night? No, not 10, about 10 to 12, I think. Yeah, about 10 o'clock at night, that would have been ridiculous. Yeah, it just went, not ten. About ten to twelve, I think. Yeah, that was it.

It just went doo. I look forward to it now. You know what I mean? It never happens. I think it was great. No, TV doesn't say, right, you've had enough now. No, it doesn't. It says you've never had enough. We're never going away. We're here all night, even though you're asleep. I want it to nag at you that you're missing us. That's what

it says now. Absolute Radio. I am i i did a gig this week um supporting jenny eclair in salisbury as part of salisbury international arts festival okay very exciting next um i'm sorry i thought you were just reading from your journal and um i asked you something. And I asked the... Something weird happened. I asked the audience what else was happening at the Arts Festival to sort of see what we had to compete with. And they said one of the

exhibitions that was happening was in Salisbury Cathedral, they had piles of ice. Ice? Rice, representing different statistics. Are you just going to keep adding letters to it? No. Okay.

Rice. Piles of rice representing different statistics. So there's a pile of rice to represent the amount of people in Wiltshire. Okay, I see. A grain for every citizen. A grain for every person, yeah. And then a pile of rice for all the Nokia phones in France, something like that.

Oh, random statistics. Yeah, very old statistics. And so I made some jokes about it, like, oh, you should go in with a kettle and freak them out. And someone cheered, and I said, oh, is that Uncle Ben? It was funny at the time. I like the Uncle Ben, the first one. I think it needs a bit of work.

OK, well, it's off the cuff. I'm not going to do it again. We weren't asking you to. That is actually a travelling exhibition. I think you should tour alongside it with your rice material. Yeah. So what did your punters say?

Well, then I said, oh, I think it's a bit of a waste of rice if you ask me. And then, you know, that was the end of the night. I think it's a bit of a waste of rice, if you ask me. And then, you know, that was the end, and I did it. And then, after the show, a PR person for the Salisbury International Arts Festival rushed back and said, you've got to... Jenny, when you go out, you've got to say

that the rice is being recycled. Is that your stage name? Jenny O'Claire, I told you it was Jenny O'Claire. Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot that piece of information She said And it caused a bit, it was controversial The rice has been recycled That sounds absolutely disgusting

Well they're going to recycle the rice I bet Jenny Clare liked talking about it then Yeah, exactly So you were reprimanded really Yeah, it's controversial in Salisbury. Well, I'm not saying it back here, but... I'm a blonde.

I'm loving that. This is my favourite theme tune. I like that Gareth's anecdote today ended, I was reprimanded in Salisbury. It's always the punchline. I've got a sore throat today. I've got a very sore throat. By the way, I've been reprimanded,

haven't I? Why? Who am I? I told that story about Michael Parkinson. Oh yeah, they told you off. I have told before

about when I was on with Steve Redgrave. Yeah. Apparently, I wasn't on with Steve Redgrave. I now find out. Yeah. Gareth?

You were with Matthew Pinson. Is that right? I'm amazed. Yeah. Someone texted in to say that looked online and stuff and on all the lists it says yeah it was actually and from kidderminster who's pointed this out thank you for rescuing that moment yeah uh yeah and from kidderminster so yeah so it's it it wasn't i'm sure i called him steve on the night

you've been thinking all along i always thought thought it was Steve Redgate, it was Matthew Vincent it was. Well, thanks Anne for sticking your oar in. Oh, very good. Well, Matthew Vincent's got an anecdote about how David Baddiel had a go at him on Parkinson one time. Well, I'm alright with that, yeah. And then there's the time that Russell Hart, he told me off

when I was being interviewed by Tessa Sanderson. The whole thing's gone so wrong. I thought I'd do an Om there. You know something you do an Om and you don't have anything to follow it with? It's something one sees a lot on local TV coverage. When they say, that was Matthew Pinsent there with... Ha, ha.

Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. And, hey, it's Saturday morning here on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in, Frank. That's great news. What, on 8, 12, 15? Well, exactly, the very same. And do you remember you read a Wordsworth poem out before the news?

Uh-huh. Did he read it, though? Well... I didn't read it, but... This is what the text concerns. Ah. Richard Cronin. I'm working with the radio one.

I and a colleague... I think it's myself and a colleague, but we'll let that pass. I've just heard your recital of a Wordsworth poem. Please can you settle an argument that could affect our working relationship? My colleague thinks you recited the poem off by heart, but I think you read it off Wikipoem, if such a website exists. Please settle the argument. The tension is unbearable. Well, that's interesting.

First of all, I didn't know there was such a thing as Wikipoem, which I very much like the sound of. It's just a load of poems. Actually, no, I did it off by heart. We can back him up on that, can't we, Gareth? Yes. When I say off by heart, I don't mean off by Tony Hart, who used to work on the gallery and those art programmes.

They used this as a theme tune, I remember rightly. He always used to wear one of those Apache scarves with a metal ring on it. God bless him. No longer with us. Can I just say, Frank does have quite a wealth of poetry rolling around in that brain of his. Let's not push our luck here on Absolute Radio.

Well, that's true. I think I got in a bit of Richard III earlier as well. It was in the context of Bananarama, but nevertheless! That's enough. So, have you moved home yet, Em? Well, I've got a bit of a problem, guys. Which is, it's been on the market, much like myself, for quite some time. Yeah, and there's been several prospective buyers.

A lot of people got in to have a look round. Yeah. All pulled out at the last minute. And much like myself... Shall we pretend that wasn't so? Yeah. Much like myself, it just won't shift. So, I've had some people around and

what i'm actually considering taking it off the market because i cannot bear the stress of tidying every time these creatures come around apparently it has to be tidy all the time otherwise they won't like it yeah ridiculous that people think oh i'm not buying this flat it's a bit untidy it's like oh you're starting with it yeah like there's a pair of tights. Like you're staying with it. Yeah, like there's a pair of tights on the radiator. Oh, disgusting. We're leaving. Good day.

Exactly. I don't care that it's a beautiful house. I know. Well, actually, although the other day. Are they smoky, smoky grey beer brands? Do you go for a hipster top or one of those that pull right up to just under the brass here with the big line up the front? I don't.

I'm not keen on that. My tights are my business. OK. So the other other day i was so stressed out because i was at work and i couldn't concentrate because i realized oh my god people have come around to see the plays and i realized there was a lot of self-help books left out and i normally tidy them away when company are arriving including he's just not that into you and men who hate women and the women who love them and there was a bottle was an empty bottle of rosé. How embarrassing. Oh, dear. Self-help.

Oh, the empty bottle of rosé. It doesn't get much worse than that. I'm going to get drunk and sort myself out. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's what I call self-help, drinking. So, yeah. So I just felt so terrible. I thought, I don't want those.

They're going to come into my flat and just think, I can't ever live here. If this is the lifestyle you get in these premises, I don't want it. This is what they're driven to. No, I've never done that. I'd hate people coming around and looking at my house. I just abandon them. What, the places you live in? Yeah, I just leave them.

There's loads of them all over the country. I just don't want people coming in and looking at my house at all. I'd rather live in my own squalor than have to put on a show like this. I'm sick of living a lie. I'm pretending to be Nigella Lawson, and I'm a bit more Amy Winehouse, frankly. I won't lie. When people show you around as well, they do this thing. This bloke, remember this fat bloke showed me around the flat in Birmingham?

Oh, that sounds nice. He went up to the light switch and he went, right, so you see, down there and the light comes on and back up there and the light goes off again. I thought, yes, this flat would be new to me, but not living in a house. Or do you think I normally live in a bag somewhere? I bought it as well.

What with the lights working and everything. Andy Nyman will be up in a minute. When I say he'll be up, he's up, he's here. His son's here, and apparently he's ten years old and a stand-up comedian. Is that right? Yeah. I don't know if he's up. Gareth, I don't know how to break this to you.

What? You've been replaced. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Andy Nyman is in the house. Hooray. This is what young people say, I think, for this thing. Andy, welcome.

Thank you very much for having me. Let's get straight into this show, because I am so intrigued, right? Because it's called Ghost Stories. Yeah. And it's a theatre show. Yes, it is. But it actually comes with a proper serious warning. Mm-hmm. Yes, it is. But it actually comes with a proper serious warning. Mm-hm.

Yes. Now, I think people just don't... They expect to be frightened by films, but not in the theatre. That's the joy of it, though, Frank, is that the warning, you know, on the one hand, of course, is like a great challenge, I suppose, because you know you're saying to people, come on, you know, people of a certain age, if you're nervous, stay away. So you know that people are thinking,

oh, come on, it's not scary. Yeah. And I think, I mean, you've seen the show, haven't you? Yeah, I went to see it. And when it said people of a certain age, that did put me off a bit. I was worried I wouldn't get it. Yeah, well, then I got frightened.

It's above 15, we reckon. But it is one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had. And that's saying something. but it is one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had and that's saying something yeah let's not go down that road I remember you saying that you'd seen a theatre show and I only just put these two together

I was absolutely terrified yeah and I was with my godson who's about 15 and I was actually screaming people do people scream lots of screams. Yeah. I mean, it's a great.

There's a lot of screamers in the theatre. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, it's one of the joys of doing the show is that you go out

every night and know you're going to hear big laughs. It's funny as well. So you hear big laughs and huge screams from an audience and it's quite,

it's quite it's quite it's like being the Beatles it is exhilarating but you can't really talk about it because that will spoil it yeah it really will that's slightly

spoiled the interview I think believe me I'm a very adept at talking around it oh okay fair enough but again that's one of the

lovely things is that we sort of implore people not to talk about the plot itself and even the critics didn't

I mean they were very good at just sort of skirting around the edge of it and saying what they liked about it and um and even if you go online and look it up people you can't really find out what it's about it becomes this sort of oh no just go see it you know it's really it's lovely it's a really nice thing no i read the um the press handout for it there's one thing that worried me it said that um it said it said even the most hardened of viewers gasping for breath for breath and reaching for their coats and i thought you don't want to write that you know i've done gigs where they've been reaching for their coats yeah and gasping for breath yeah yeah exactly yeah well actually it

was yawning yeah yeah but they're reaching for their coats to hide behind. Is that right? Yeah. I mean, you'll see, if you go on YouTube or go to, I think it's ghoststoriestheshow.com or.co.uk, there's a trailer on there and it doesn't spoil anything. And if you put Ghost Stories West End into YouTube, there's a new trailer and you'll see there's night vision of the audiences you know, hiding and screaming and jumping. Like the Big Brother bedroom?

Like, yeah. Sort of. Except scarier. Yeah. That is saying something. That is saying something, isn't it? We're thoroughly intrigued now. Absolute. Radio. Andy Nyman's with us this morning. I must say, Andy, we don't normally get texts for the

guests sort of thing, but there's been a flurry. There have. All about ghost stories, I have to say. We have Angie saying, I've seen ghost stories in London. It scared the pants off me and my cousin. I remember. Pantless Angie, we called her. I hope they've been replaced before she sent this text.

I stopped laughing when I had to travel home alone on the underground. The show reminded me of Elements of Tales of the Unexpected. That's what you need. Yeah. Theme tune. I've had another text in saying, I saw Ghost Stories with my drama class and I've never been scared by a film before,

but this show terrified me. My fear was made worse as I was sitting in seat number 13. Oh, we know what that means, Andy. They don't, sorry. And that night I woke up at a quarter to four in the morning. Oh, I know what that means. You don't. Yeah, I know what it means.

You do. It means you're going to South Africa for five weeks and you're very worried about getting killed. That's why I wake up at quarter to four. Well, that's magnificent. Now, I should say, Andy, that you... Would it be fair to say that you're the power behind Derren Bratton's throne? I don't know that I'm the power behind his throne,

but I'm sort of... I squeeze into half of the throne. Are you Stuart Pinger's to his Fabio Capella? No, you see, I wish I could pretend I knew about football. Oh, OK. I'm hoping that football is not gold. But you and him... Yes. Behind the scenes, you and him are very much a unit.

Yeah, we've written everything together over the past, God, it's a decade now, astonishingly. Ten years we've worked together, written everything, and then I direct the stage shows. How do you get into that line of work? Because I don't even know what that line of work is called. I suppose it's mentalismism is what you call it. You're a mentalism ideas man.

Yes. And it's incredible. Yeah. So do you actually sit around and try and force yourself to think of something like the heist or something like that? Or are you making about your normal business and then something happens and you think, oh. Well, it can be actually, it can be both.

It can be both things. I mean, as you well know, having a deadline of something you've got to deliver is a great way of forcing you to go, oh, what are we going to do? Okay, you know, and then you start throwing ideas out. But equally, you can just be walking along and suddenly think, oh, my God, hold on, let me just,

you know, and you'll make a phone call to Darren or, you know, type something down and say, I've got this brilliant idea for something or equally, I'll suddenly get this phone call or a text from him saying, I've just had an idea for this. And that's often what it is, is you have to work from a sort of a great plot and then find how on earth can you, the heist, to use your example, how on earth can you do that and find the tricks or linguistic patterns or conjuring or whatever it is that you're going to need to make this thing happen so you basically you know how darren does it yeah that's the iphone one day one day you'll become power cries and he'll kill you you know

that it's happening he's tried it twice so i never eat around his i never drink around his you can't shoot him or he'll just catch it in his teeth yes yeah it is though it's it's hard because i i don't think of him as a man who shares that with no one but of course a lot of it is so you must know exactly his capabilities in order to come up with the ideas you must know what he can do and what he can't do yes but you must have them a little bit to a certain extent. You must have a lot of psychological insight. But you're a nightmare to go out with. Oh, I've been married to the same woman for 20 years,

so I don't go out with anyone anymore. It is Mystic Meg, though. And she's all right with it, you know what I mean? She's fine about it all. She comes from that background. Yeah. Yeah. So can you do sort of... We're not going to ask you to start. No, no, no. She comes from that background. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I sort of do.

Can you do sort of, we're not going to ask you to start. No, no, no. Well, I used to. That's how it all came about was that I've, magic's always been my hobby and I've always loved it. And then I started performing mentalism when there really were not many people doing it. There were sort of about three of us on the circuit that were doing it. This is about 20 years ago.

So I very, I very quickly became 20 years ago so i very i very quickly became a big fish in a very very small pond and um and then i just got this phone call out the blue saying they wanted me to host this show to be the person and i had no interest in doing it because i'm an actor and that's my greatest passion so i said i don't want to do it but whoever you find oh you could have been Derren Brown. Isn't that bizarre, isn't it? But it would never have been that, because I'd have done one show for Channel 4 and gone, great, now Channel 4 films.

It's hand-working. Can I see the scripts? I just wouldn't have... Whereas Derren, he's the genuine article. He's amazing. I can argue Andy's got the better type of fame, I think, because he gets a table in a restaurant, but he doesn't get people coming up to him and going,

you're a ledge mate. You're a ledge. I like that. It's short for legend. Oh, I see. It's never happened to me. It's not something that you put a log of tea on. Can you hold that?

I mean, he lives in a world of magic. He doesn't know the real, he doesn't know the language. Absolute. Radio. Now, you may have heard that Lemby Opik, the former Liberal Dem MP, who got knocked out in the last election, made his stand-up comedy debut this week. Oh, yeah. Which is a bit of a big moment, I think, for comedy.

It was, yeah. And we actually have not just an eyewitness, but we have Josh Widdicombe on the line, who's a comic who was actually on the bill that night. Are you there, Josh? Yeah, hello. How's it going? Hello. Good to hear from you. Now, so, Josh, were you on before Lemby or after? Yeah, no, we were all on before. He was headlining. Oh, he headlined. This was his first ever gig, am I right?

Yeah, The Arrogance. He was paid 100 quid as well, so... It took me years to earn that kind of money. I know. I couldn't he was complaining about it during his act and these other comics were not impressed what did you get josh uh well i i was on free bar which uh what does that mean well i was originally booked because i was going down to do 10 minutes of new material, and then it turned around that I was actually performing to Britain's Press. So I wasn't out of any money at all, apart from drinks. But free bar, that's not a way to encourage young comedians, is it?

No, it's encouraging them to go down the wrong path. Exactly, exactly. Trust me, it's not the way forward, Josh. So, Lembit, what did you think? It was a kind of disappointing middle ground where it wasn't a complete car crash but it certainly wasn't a success.

Much like the Lib Dems. Yeah. He looks like he's been in a complete car crash. Actually, he doesn't. He looks like he's gone down the motorway with his head out the window like a duck and the wind has been so strong it's blown his jaw to one side. But he needs to drive looking out the other window to right his face.

Anyway, this is... If only he'd opened with that. If he'd opened with that. Yeah, exactly. Did you think that... I mean, to be fair to him, not many of us get reviewed on our first gigs, do we? No, and there was a lot of people that were going,

well, that wasn't that funny at all. And I was thinking, you should have seen my first gig. It was, you know, it was much worse. And it was, he got away with it completely. And he did a bit of impromptu ventriloquism I heard. That was the bit where it was felt like he was in the middle of

his midlife crisis at his lowest ed. He was talking to a, he had a spare kind of brogue that he brought out from behind. A spare brogue? So he didn't take a shoe off? No, I thought he had,

but someone told me afterwards. I couldn't really see because of the crowd. Because I thought it was an impromptu thing he'd come up with. But who carries a spare shoe? Oh, I've got the sort of him

on the tube carrying his props with him just with a brogue in his lap. Oh, no. A carrier bag with a brogue in it. And he wore a Lib Dem rosette as well, didn't he? I bet that would have been in the bag. Yeah.

It was... Yeah, it was surreal. And then he got the kind of shoe on his hand. I don't know. I mean, ventriloquism implies that he made an attempt to keep his mouth shut while speaking as the shoe. Was the flap of the sole open? Was that the ventriloquist part of it?

I'd have thought maybe the tongue is the thing to use, because there is a tongue on the shoe. There was not really any moving part of the shoe, so it was just a kind of stationary shoe with Lember Opie talking at it. Because the advantage of that is that Lember Opie could stand in a way where his mouth was behind the shoe, so you wouldn't be able to see it moving

anyway. Do you think, I mean, do you think he's a man who should carry on, though? Well, afterwards... What's the potential, Josh? Afterwards, no, well, there was potential. Yeah, I suppose there was. I mean, I'm not going to go and watch him again.

You might have to. I could always go and have a drink outside. I'm sure he said he was going to carry on gigging, but then I don't think he could have gone, well, this was a huge publicity stunt. There was a bleak bit at the end when he did a joke earlier on, a kind of weak joke about how someone said, didn't you used to be Lambert Opec?

And then at the end, his sign-off was, thank you very much, I used to be Lambert Opec. And there was this kind of awkwardness of, oh, my God. And then he put the shoe back in the carrier bag. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I imagine he laced it up first to suggest that he's tying up all the loose ends.

Still, you know, we shouldn't feel too sorry for him. He did have a relationship with one of probably the most attractive of the team. Transylvania's finest. He's very proactive. He sat at home and when they sang Touch My Bum, he thought, by golly, I will. See, we just took it as a rhetorical thing. Well, look, Josh, I must say, you came out of it very well, because all the things I read said, but meanwhile, the funniest act of the night was Josh Whittacombe. So, look, Josh, I must say, you came out of it very well, because all the things I read said, but meanwhile, the funniest

act of the night was Josh Widdicombe, so every cloud. Well, it couldn't have gone, yeah, it couldn't have gone much better, really, apart from I'd sit with Lambert, I think. Yeah. Well, anyway, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I respect his courage for going and doing it,

and I think, you know, we're all rubbish on the first gig, so he could yet be good. He could. So I'd like to end on a note of optimism. Anyway, thanks for talking to us, Josh. We don't have many phone-ins, so it's quite exciting. I feel I should be telling you which competition you've won. But you haven't.

And you're up in Edinburgh this year at the Comedy Zone, is that right? Yeah. OK, well, go and see Josh Whittacombe. Apparently, on the back of Paul Emmett Opiek's disgrace, he was very funny. Cheers, Josh. Cheers, Frank.

That's the morning! I've got something to read out. Yes? Frank, you're going to South Africa, aren't you, as we know. In fact, what I haven't told the listeners is that means... See, I always thought I'd be able to do the show down the line, as it were, from South Africa, but Absolute said that's impossible, technically impossible.

What? Yeah. So I'm not... Who's going to be doing the show? Well, next week, it's Al Mori, the pub landlord. Oh. Lee Mack's going to sit in for a couple of weeks. I'm going to have loads of new clients.

No, it's going to be like a spring clean. But anyway, I won't be on air for five weeks on this show. So because you're going and I'm actually going to be quite sad, so I wrote you a poem. Oh! Oh, no. Do you want to hear it? Don't say oh, no.

No, I just haven't written a poem. It's only three verses. Oh, you haven't written a poem. Well, thanks very much. It's three verses, so settle down by the fireside. Even Lucio has written a poem. Seven stanzas. Lucio's on next, by the way.

Seven stanzas. Does Lucio always have a moustache? There's not going to be time for my poem. Do you want to hear it? Oh, sorry. OK. Stop all the clocks, put out all the stars, for today our Frankie is travelling afar.

I wish him bon voyage, I wish him top games, but above all, I pray he turns left on the plane. I know he'll be safe in the hands of our Dave, and for football's sake, I'm trying to be brave. But without him the studio will be a sad place. I'll miss his old uke and his Birmingham face. I'll bear it for England without our third lion. But what will I do without my pig iron?

Max Clifford's bereft, A.E. Houseman's distraught. Chris Evans is probably slightly less fraught. But Gareth and I are feeling the loss, adrift without our fine Midlands boss. So adieu, cheeky smile. Goodbye, Albiniar. Farewell, strange rendition of We Buy Any Car. Toodle, Pip, Whip It stories and George Formby tales

and the man who protects me from mischievous males. When England comes calling, our Frankie must go. Just avoid any strip clubs with Germaine Defoe. And I'll cope in my fashion, take one for the team. Any offers, please text in on 8-12-15. So, Frankie, goodbye, and I know you'll be great. All I wanted to say is, I'll just miss my mate. Oh, slightly belated.

There's a reference to Heidi Harrisman in there, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, that's lovely. There's a reference to Heidi Harrisman in there, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, that's lovely. That's made me feel slightly tearful. Not the air ride siren. I'm not remembering those days in the blackout. I remember a few blackouts, but those were the 80s.

So, yes, I won't be doing this show for five weeks. Which is very sad. It is sad. I must say, of all the work I do, this is my favourite thing. Anyway, so I will be on Absolute Radio with David Baddiel doing the podcast, but I will miss Saturday mornings very, very much. Anyway, this is no time for emotion, is it?

No. What else? So who's going to win the World Cup? Oh, shut up. So, um... I'm going to be very sorry to see Frank go. Is that going to set the tone for your podcast in South Africa? Yeah, exactly.

I'm already bored with the World Cup. I haven't got there yet. You can't say that on Absolute. You're quite right. I've got an Edinburgh preview booked on the day of the World Cup finals, so I really hope England doesn't get that far. I'm glad we met. You know, what I'm really missing South Africa is

some people will tell me stories, and they'll have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And I think, oh, how traditional. How very traditional. And I won't know anyone there who can tell me who Roy J was, like you did this morning. Which I knew this morning. Anyway, look, to all our fabulous listeners,

if I don't get macheted to death or blown up by Al-Qaeda, I'll be on in five weeks. Look on the bright side. And I will miss you all very much. Good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. and I will miss you all very much good day to you