The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 14 Aug - Tom Wrigglesworth

Episode Date: August 14, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth are in Edinburgh and welcome Tom to the show

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and with Gareth. Good morning, Frank. And we're live from Edinburgh. We are.

We say that as if it's something really spectacular. You never see anything or hear anything that's from a different city or whatever. But anyway. And yeah, so we are. And if you want to text us, I mean, oh, sorry. I was talking, but it's fine. It's all about you. Thanks. I'm glad we've established that early.

If you want to text us about anything, this is actually all about the listeners. You can text us on 81215. I say 81215, let me hear you say 8-12-15. Everybody say! 8-12-15. Shouldn't it be 0-1-3-1, 8-12-15? No.

Oh, that's going to confuse them. Oh, no, no. And Tom Rigglesworth is our guest today. Tom Rigglesworth is up here with his one-man show that we all went and saw last night. Well, Gareth didn't go, because, Gareth, you're up here doing your own show. Yeah.

And my show was on at the same time. So, yeah, I didn't go. No. That's what happened. No. I noticed that. Yes. Can't be at two places at once.

No. Yeah, I'm doing my own show, Stand Up Between Songs. It was good last night. I went to see it. I don't like the sound of it was good last night, though. No, but we had a text in already, Frank, on 8.12.15. But if someone said to you about their relationship and they said, oh, yeah, our relationship,

it was good last night, you'd think, oh, so normal. Oh, I consider that a great review of that. That's in all my relationships. Well, the thing is, the audience is different every night, so it's different every day. And I'm always the same. Really? But the audience changes.

Maybe I should change slightly as well. Oh, it's good. Don't commit to anything too early. So we've had a text. Yeah, we've had a text in from Hamish T in Edinburgh. I'm not being rude, but he sounds made up. Have you sent this in? Because that doesn't sound like Hamish from Edinburgh.

You can't get... Not just anyone can get a Gmail account. OK. Hi, everybody. Just saying that I've just got home from seeing Gareth at the Fringe. Me and my dad thought you were fantastic. I was the son of the Belgian fish man. Oh, not the preacher man.

Oh, yeah, Belgian fish man. That would have been a great Dusty Springfield track, the son of the Belgian fish man. Oh, yes, it was. Yes, it was. I imagine there'd be a bit of chocolate man. Oh, yes, he was. Yes, he was. I imagine there'd be a bit of chocolate involved. Oh, yeah. Just the Belgiques. They love it. So, Frank, why

are you up here? Well, I am slightly in disgrace, I'll be honest with you, because I was going to do a show up here, sort of a chat show thing. And then, I don't want to go into too much detail, because I'll end up, you end up moaning but it looked like it might not happen properly

as we discussed and in the end I pulled out and I feel bad I feel bad about pulling out of anything and I mean I'm a Catholic even so I did what that bloke on the American aeroplane did I feel bad about pulling out of anything. And I mean, I'm a Catholic. Even so. Oh, thanks. Even so. I did what that bloke on the American aeroplane did.

I'm afraid I took the slide. It happened. I took the safety slide. I removed all sharp objects, but I took the slide. Obviously, I'm slightly... I was walking around in Edinburgh. When I first arrived in Edinburgh, I thought everyone's looking at me thinking, oh, you've got a nerve turning up after you pulled out that show.

Like Adolf Eichmann walking around Tel Aviv in the 50s. That's what I felt like. I did, I walked around with you yesterday and you did have that feeling of, you were looking for snipers. Yeah, oh man. It's fine, I think you did the right thing. I have a terrible unease. That's what I have.

If you want to text and abuse me about that, you've got to send out 12.15. So Hamish T, I presume, was invented by Gareth. Hamish T? No, I remember him and his dad being there very well. It was one of the quietest shows, but they were a lovely audience. One of the less good nights.

I wouldn't say it was less good, because Hamish was there, his dad, the Belgian fish man, he was one of those people who talked to the audience, and you go, what did you do? He'd go, oh, I couldn't tell you, I'll have to kill you. Oh, I wasn't as bad. No, now we really have to know what you do. He goes, oh, yeah, I work for the fisheries in Belgium.

He did all the fisheries stuff in the EU. That's quite interesting, isn't it? Yeah, so I suppose you got all your... Not funny. You got all your fishing industry material out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Reeled all that out. I say reeled.

I say reeled. I say reeled all that out. That's good. Yeah. Good. I wish I'd been there that much. But I will. I wish you'd been there.

Yeah. Yeah, I could have... Reeled, that's good. I know a bit about... Just going to write that down. Godgeon. That's what I know about. Oh, yeah. All three faders with one hand Quite pleased with that

We're in a completely different studio So all the equipment's different So I'm, hey man, I'm like Rick Waite Went on all three keyboards over here at the moment Doing the wives of Henry VIII on ice Where's your cloak? Where's my clothes? I thought you were going to say

That's always a good thing to say on radio Just throws people first thing in the morning So I was, I wandered around the streets of Edinburgh. You know you always get street entertainers in Edinburgh. Oh yes, especially, yeah. And I saw a bloke doing keepy-uppy. Did you see him? He had a Brazil shirt on, a Brazil football shirt. Yeah. And he's doing keepy-uppy. Oh was he? Doesn't sound that impressive, but he was on crutches, and he was doing the keepy-uppy with the crutches. That's impressive.

That's amazing. Yeah. Those crutches, you know, I don't know if it's a technical term, the ones that grip at the forearm. Oh, I know exactly those ones. You see a lot of them in Edinburgh, actually. They're a drinker's crutch.

They're people who have just stepped in front of a boss at like two o'clock in the morning type of a crotch. Anyway, he was doing that. It struck me from watching him for a bit, because I was impressed that he looked quite steady on his legs. And now I'm thinking

he's not a disabled person. He's just a person who can do keep your feet with crutches. Yeah. I don't know if that's morally acceptable, is it? Oh, I see. Because that is essentially, that's pretending to be a disabled person. Well, it's implied, isn't it?

Well, if I sat in a wheelchair asking for money six feet away, you know, people would think, well, that's a bit bad. If I had one leg folding under me, say, one of those things. What's the difference? Does that mean I can't use the mobility scooter to get around then? Because that's what you seem to be applying, Frank Skidmore. I don't know if we've had this

debate before, but I've often dreamt of using a mobility scooter. I once brought it up at a sort of middle-class party, and I was saying, I saw the bloke, and he had a chess computer on the front. You know, you get like a little table at the front of you. He had a book and a chess computer.

I thought, well, this bloke's got everything. He had saddlebags at the side. You know, you could, oh, man, life is a dream. I mean, obviously not the fact that you have to. There's drawbacks. There's drawbacks. But I said to the people at this party do you think it would be morally ok if I got a disability scooter

just as a practicality and they all poo pooed oh god I think if you haven't got a disability it just seems like laziness just like me at university used to imagine being pushed around on a trolley just because I didn't want to get out of bed.

I thought you said I at university sounded a bit like I, Claudia which I enjoyed. I, comma, university. I am reading I, Claudia's at the moment so maybe that's why. He was pushed around I think on a mobile bed if I remember right. That's where you got the idea from.

I think on to a rag week. They're always pushing beds around the street aren't they oh yeah they do don't know they love a bed through the street never mind about everyone else what about me what about why I'm here I'm here essentially to make style statements um no I'm not really I have followed you two up here let's be honest haven, haven't I? But I love it. But I had a bit of an unfortunate journey up here, Frank, on the train. Well, I was sat in standard class. Oh, my goodness. I know.

How could this happen? How could anyone let this happen? Well, it's broken Britain again. What can you do? Cutbacks. Difficult cutbacks. Well, there were some nice girls, and they looked my kind of girl. You know, they had a nice bag and hair and make-up.

I thought, oh, they might be friends. We might start talking. Well, as I was on the phone talking to my mother, name-dropping wildly so everyone in the carriage could hear, yes, I'm going to see Frank, yes. I might see Jimmy while I'm up there. Suddenly... Jimmy. Isn't that what everyone in Edinburgh is called?

Including the women. The girl opposite me, I promise this is true, she suddenly leans over, takes my bottle of water, starts drinking it. Had you already had her swig? Yes. That is bizarre, isn't it? So I thought, I went like this,

I'm going to have to call you back I love saying that I'd have said anyway mum and I've got the appointment at the herpes clinic that's all fixed up so what was that about then well I soon found out I said excuse me

I think that's my water you've just drunk from and she said right well I've had a sip now, so... Oh, so it was an accident, was it? No, well, she was implying, oh, possession is nine-tenths of the law. I've had a sip now, so I may as well have it. Oh, I'm glad it got judicial. That's very interesting.

Well, more of this, I think, after this. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Edinburgh, etc., etc. And you can text us on 81215. What else? Oh. Yeah. Frankie Howard in the building.

Yes, I was stopped by a lady in the street yesterday in Edinburgh. You know, it's people always giving you leaflets for shows. Oh, yeah, of course. It's a very actor-y type, a very nice woman. She said, I don't know if you remember, we met at the National Theatre at As You Like It. I said, ooh. So, and I think she said something I didn't remember,

but you can't remember everyone in life. It wasn't any disrespect. Anyway, she gave me a leaflet for her show and she said uh this was this was a strap line she said um not so much uh it's not so much a play as as a common play oh it doesn't sound very well i like this i thought that was clever but some people they just give you a leaflet and that's that she had a little line that came with it. A common play. I don't understand. Common play.

Common play. Like come as you are. See how many people have wandered on thinking common play. She's suggesting I'm... You know how many? One. And he's in this studio. Common play.

So the idea, it's a playful, enjoyable, maybe a bit of audience participation. It's about a wolf, the thing. About what? A wolf. I think there's a wolf in it. You shouldn't play with a wolf. There's a lot of audience participation. Et cetera, et cetera.

Anyway, I enjoyed that, I must say. Oh. I had a bit of a train experience. What happened to the woman who drank your water? Did she turn her off? She was murdered. She was murdered, yeah. So she said, I've had a sip. that's where we left our listeners dangling she said i said i think that's

my water and she said oh well i've had a sip now not even a sorry no so i said it is the hardest word though i've i read that so it seems to be or Or is that sorry? I think it might be sorry. I think that's the hardest word in Gujarati. I find the hardest word is standard for anything in class, particularly. So I said, all right, well, it is my water, though. My tone raised a bit. My tone got a bit tougher there. So she said, but I've got one really similar.

Well, that's a bottle of water. They don't look that different from one another. You didn't have one of those water bottles you see in the cowboy films that have got that sort of Indian design around them. I'm talking about North American, Native American people now.

I forgot what you're allowed to call them. Native Americans. Native American design. Was it one of those, like a saddle bottle? No, they were just a plate. So in the end, there was a bit of a moment. But do you know, by the end of the journey, like a lot of my friendships, it started with a very unpleasant confrontation.

Yeah. And we became firm friends. Oh, good. Yeah, I love her now. Well, look, you were both fully hydrated. Mate, that's very important for conversation generally i think i remember being stuck in the goby desert four by four overturn we were there for a day and a half conversation dried up as as did as did everything

else and i thought then i thought hydration that's what you need for a good chat. You were about to say something. What was it? I'm always about to say something. If you think about it, if you think about life in general, you're always about to say something. You are. Except when you die. Otherwise, what is the point of even bothering to go on? I say, what's the point of

here's a track that I chose myself. It's just like machine noise, isn't it? Yeah. That's Love Amongst Ruin with So Sad. Oh, I know all about that. Yeah, but it's good that, I think. I've been told I'm not close enough to the microphone. I've just had that

note. Well, you had a phone call in. Well, I mean, you know, my nose is against the phone bit. You know like the phone bit? I didn't see it. Listen, this is my nose on it. You hear that? I just said if he gets any closer it's going to be in his pants. It will be. Oh, I thought

he was having a flashback. So, we've had an email. I thought a good one. Yes, it's from Nick Doherty. I had to say that, you see, or Gareth would have just sat looking at me like, you know when a dog looks at you and you talk to it with a slight tilt of the head? Pardon?

OMG, I just had one of those stupid Eureka moments. The band, The Doors, do you think it's a pun on the thing printed on tickets, e.g. Doors, 8pm? You know, for when the concert starts. I should say, a while back, someone talked about idiotic eureka moments. This thing when you suddenly realise, after many years,

that sooty and sweep is a pun. Yeah, yeah. And stuff like that. And you realised about BT in the BT bt advert yes i did i held up to that and um and now this but the doors yes yeah um he's saying because it says doors eight o'clock on ticket yeah and you know that band carriages do quite a lot of late quite late gigs so often one o'clock in the morning and stuff like that and restricted seating they quite a lot of late, quite late gigs. So often one o'clock in the morning and stuff like that. And restricted seating, they do a lot of gigs.

No, that's never a time next to that. That just doesn't work. Oh, OK. Can we edit? Oh, OK, live. Live, you say? Well, that's a bit reckless. So, but I don't think it's that clever if it is the reason.

Who's talking? I can't see you past the microphone. I'm so close to it now. My face is just foam. Oh, it's as if I was dating. I can't see you past the microphone. I'm so close to it now. My face is just foam. It's as if I was dating Miss Piggy, if you can imagine such a thing. Poor sign, I know, but with a certain charm. Yeah, so I was in Norway a couple of weeks ago. Regular listeners will know that.

And as I flew back with my girlfriend side by side on the aeroplane in Norway, it's a budget airline, we won't go into it, she was reading Psychology Today, which is quite a serious magazine about, well, obviously it's about psychology. Yeah. And there was an old thing in there,

people talking about the worst advice that they'd ever had. Now, I think we've talked about advice on the show before, but never the worst advice. And I think it's quite an interesting topic, because some people, they love giving advice. And I'd say perhaps 87% of all advice is bad. Would you say that's a fair percentage? Yeah, I know what you mean.

I haven't researched that. Well, it's people that are very keen to give advice that often aren't very good at it, I find. Yes, well, exactly. I mean, par exam. My brother, Terry, I remember him saying to me when I was about 14, when you start dating, he said,

he assumed I hadn't started. Yeah. He was right. He said, when you start dating, he said, he assumed I hadn't started. Yeah. He was right. He said, when you start dating, he said, on the first date, always be a minimum of an hour late. That's what he said to me. That's terrible. He said, honestly, he said, I've been on the bus, he said,

and I've seen, I've arrived, because people then, they arrive for dates on the bus. That's a simple fact. Don't look at me like that, Emily. He said, I've seen her waiting when I've arranged. And I've thought, well, I'll go on two or three stops and then wait and come back. Terry? I'm glad I never dated Terry.

Not just because of that, to be honest. But you see, the truth is, I never had the courage to try that advice out. Because when I got a date, I was so excited. No way could I have waited. I think I was there an hour before that takes a lot of confidence actually laying scent like a tom cat not deliberately it just emanated from me in a sort of short jet i wasn't well anyway so i never tried that out but i once got bad advice from a friend i was was going out with a guy, and she said,

I said, I think the relationship's over. I think it's run its course. And it got to the stage where, you know when men get snappy because they don't want to chuck you, but they want rid of you, so they just start snapping you over the most ridiculous things. And so she said, I said, I've decided I'm going to end the relationship. And she went, oh, don't ever end a relationship. What do you mean, don't ever end a relationship? She said, no, you just have to wait until they do it. It's much less hassle that way. Just hang on in there. don't ever end a relationship just what do you mean don't ever end a relationship she said no

you just have to you know you just have to wait until they do it's much less hassle that way just hang on in there hang on in there you have to wait till they do yeah you must always wait till they do some people have this theory that as you say like with some men they don't know when it's they just behave so horribly yeah i figure the other person will walk away yeah as men do that i think i don't have experience sounding like you're some hard guy yeah i figured the other person that's true walk away yeah that's men do that i think i don't have experience it's sounding like you're some hard guy yeah i do that all the time to the ladies no i don't do that but i know people who have and it's like well you just don't want to be in it well no i i've had bad my dad gives a lot of advice oh yeah and um one thing he used to say

constantly um through my childhood was if I showed any interesting girls at all, he would say, oh, girls are poison. Oh. I've never ate one. I imagine that some parts of them are poison. Yeah. I think you have to take out the great bell.

Is it called the great bell, or is that something that happened in China in the 17th century? Yeah, well, my dad, what about his advice? He said to me once, I remember, he said, always have a bit of salt in your pocket. Half an inch of salt, just in the... He said, not in a... Just in the pocket, in the pocket itself.

He said, if anyone stops you late at night, you think it's going a bit wrong. He said, just make as if you're raising your hand, just throw salt in their face. That'll stop them in their tracks, those hoodies. Yeah, exactly. Three men were found in the street well-seasoned the other day. I'm loving it.

So if you've had any bad advice advice do text us on 81215 and we'd love to hear it I mean love this is old Frank Skinner this is absolute radio oh shut up now

put on your red shoes and dance the blues everyone will think oh I don't remember him coming in really late at the end like that. Sounds canny. Yeah, it's like that bit at the end of Walk on the Wild Side when that saxophone sound that comes in, it sounds like a sweep from Sutty and Sleep. It sounds like, you can imagine like sweeps got up Sunday morning going off to play football and someone's parked the car over his drive, he can't get the car off,

and he's shouting at the neighbour is what it sounds like. Don't mention Lou Reed, you know why I'm phobic about him. Anyway, we've had some texts in Frank on 8.12.15. I see they do reach Edinburgh. About the worst advice people have ever received. We've had Tom saying, My father once said, if she's going to accuse you of cheating, you might as well go and do it anyway.

Right. That's before the marriage bracket. This father had some additional advice. This is not from Peter Crouch, is it? It could well be. He says, this is the same dad. It's disappeared, the email, so I can't read it. Sorry.

Also, my boss was being really nasty to me and lied about me behind my back to get me fired my dad told me just go and knock him out and quit the job you'll never feel better son that would be right actually i love that dad i've never actually knocked someone out but i hope i don't go to my grave thinking that. I think we should all, at least once in life, knock somebody out, don't you? Oh, no. Pull a pigtail, maybe. I've done that. Yeah.

Frankenteam, my mum used to say... That's when you lived in Pink Peking, wasn't it? Sorry, Darren. Frankenteam, my mum used to say, ignore them and now go away, about the mean kids at school. They never did. Oh, that's quite sad. Oh, no school they never did oh that's quite sad oh no they never did that's true actually but then i was one of the mean kids so that was good for me you see a friend of mine told me that about chlamydia oh my god and she and she did go away fine do you remember there she used to live big girl so um what else oh what did you see uh did you see fabio capello and the uh

and the david beckham oh i love it it's just an interview the casual interview and i intimidated this thing and just making fabio stand there they're not sitting in a seat that it would look a bit different so he's standing there like a bloke it's a bus pensioner it's a bus stop and uh and they said what about david beckham and he and he suddenly went thank you for helping me in the world cup i thought has he come in the interview is looking around hold on what thank you for helping me in the world cup no no i didn't say have you got a message that we could play it's not hospital radio fabioio. What do you... And he says, thank you for helping me in the World Cup, but no, he's too old.

And then he started really laughing. Really laughing. No, he's too old. It's great that he hadn't told Beckham or anything. I love it. He just spoke about it casually, with no restraint or sensitivity. He's gone slightly mental.

I'm enjoying watching the meltdown. There's a hint of slight senility about him. I'm worried that he's going to be found in North London walking around with no trousers on. He's got that kind of scent. But you know, that doesn't make him a bad person. But it's got... Thank you for helping me

in the world. Yes, you've got to thank David Mecca for his contribution to the England team. Perhaps not just hanging around like a spare part at the worst campaign we've ever been involved in. Also, I worry, someone saying, I say thank you for helping me very much, but you're probably a little bit too old. That's kind of how a lot of men break up with me.

We can't top that. Another woman in the street, actually. Oh, yeah. In Edinburgh. Edinburgh Festival people. As I walked past, she offered me a leaflet, and she went, 1950s jazz.

And I'd gone to reach out for the leaflet, and I withdrew my hand. I think that's perfectly acceptable. I should have smacked her face. I should have knocked her out. Looking back, that's my advice. Well, that's what Tom's dad would have suggested. I should have smacked her face. I should have knocked her out, looking back. That's my advice. Well, that's what Tom's dad would have suggested. He might have been assaulted with fucking.

I could have blinded her. The old dad's all right. Exactly. We've had some other good, really great, sort of old-fashioned advice from Chris, saying, my nan told me I should have a good stiff drink before I took my driving test to calm my nerves. Oh, God.

Oh, I love an old nana. I thought you were going to say, I love a bit of drinking and driving. Can we say it on Absolute Radio? We definitely don't. We don't endorse that at all. Oh, goodness me, no. What else?

We were talking about how men just treat women badly instead of breaking up. They just treat them badly until the woman breaks up. Is it just men that do that? Yeah, it is. It's a really male thing. Because I've got a whole theory about that. I know what that is.

Go on. Well, it's to do with how men like to be... Their reputation's very important to them. So that's the worst thing that can happen to a man is the idea of people talking about him, saying, oh, he treated me really badly. So that's why they do that. We're not so bothered about reputation, to be honest.

That doesn't make sense. So why does he treat them badly, then? Because then what happens is they'll just think... The worst thing that can happen is you then be dumping someone. It's better just to think, oh, the relationship failed,

and they want you to think you ended up chucking them. Oh't say oh like you've never done it before yeah anyway so what does the text say christine from west hampshire said hi i didn't know that about men my last boyfriend spent three years trying to get rid of me thanks for the info now there's something sinister about the sound my last boyfriend who was in a shallow grave in an allotment. So as he ended, that's what we want to know. Don't leave us hanging there. Yeah, it says last boyfriend, so I guess that could be... Oh, she's in West Hampstead, though.

It's a lovely area. She'll be fine. Yeah. Last boyfriend. Is that some sort of declaration? Yeah. More details, I think. Frank on radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Here I am back at the microphone. Don't panic, anyone. Pop it back in your pants. This is... Don't keep saying that. No, but I'm sorry, but that's what they were suggesting.

This is not Moyles-y. Do you think I'm Moyles-y? So, yes, Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Emily Garethann, Tom Rigglesworth is our guest. Oh, we went to see him last week. Yeah, of course we did, because we like to do our research. Frank, what was that hilarious thing you were saying last week on the podcast? Well, I have to say, like... Oh, in the midweek podcast?

Some of you may know that we do a thing called Not The Weekend Podcast, which is a podcast of completely original material that we bring out on Wednesday. Very popular with our listeners. Well, I'll have to listen to that because I was away last week, wasn't I? So was it really good? I think, arguably, it's my best ever work. Do you remember the time capsules they used to have on Blue Peter? And they used to put stuff in.

If they ever make a Frank Skinner time capsule so that if people say in a thousand years' time, say there's some sort of blitz attack on London and they find it tucked under a large Victorian building and they say, well, what was Frank Skinner all about? I'd be happy if it was just that podcast. Oh, brilliant. Of course, that's a bit hypothetical.

Yeah. We'll never know Frank No, because I had a phone call on Monday Bear in mind I just pulled out of the Edinburgh show I felt like a honk of excrement And then I got a phone call From our producer Emma Saying guess what I don't know

Give us a clue And she said well the clue is I pressed the wrong button when we did the podcast. Did she say, I thank you for helping me with podcasts, but now you're getting too old. She did. No, that's what I said. No, she did.

With a big laugh. So it's gone for it. So those of you who tried to download the podcast, can I tell you, I mean, I honestly think there's a real genuine possibility that if we'd played it, it was so funny that I think it could have turned around

the post-recession box in this country. I think it would have invigorated just the spirit of the nation to a level people who would have worked that little bit harder not worried so much about not having electricity It would have been life changing Oh Frank, she felt terrible Can we change that to world changing in the edit?

Frank, she felt terrible though The producer is here I know I think you're looking quite sexy in sackcloth and ashes. I think it suits you. That's your northern thing coming out. They love a bit of sackcloth up there. Hessian. It's their thing. When she said something terrible has happened, I thought I'd been replaced by Rusty Lee.

I didn't know what was going on. Oh, I'd have looked forward to that hearty laugh every Saturday morning. Maybe a little bit of bang-bang chicken. That hearty laugh every Saturday morning. Maybe a little bit of bang-bang chicken. That's not a euphemism for anyone who's listening. It's a dish. It's a West Indian dish. She's a West Indian dish, I know that much.

Supports Leicester City. Not many people know that, Rusty Lee. There she is, just passing a window. Oh, no, it's Trevor Francis. So, yeah, so that's gone forever. But, you know, it doesn't do to dwell on these things, does it? The only podcast without me. Yeah. That's a shame.

That doesn't exist anymore. I wondered if you didn't have a hand in it. Well... Oh, Rossi Lee's coming. Yeah. So it's certainly a bit more feminine than usual. I'm going to play a fall track, you know, before we get Tom in. And this always differs, you know, from day to day. You feel differently.

But I think this is genuinely up there as my favourite fall track ever. This is the Jawbone and the Air Rifle. Oh, that's absolutely magnificent. That was the Fall Jawbone and the air rifle. Oh, that's absolutely magnificent. That was the fall jawbone and the air rifle. Tom Rigglesworth has joined us in the studio in Edinburgh. Hello, Tom. Yeah. Oh, it's great seeing you all close up,

because last night we were right in the back row at your... Well, it was crammed. There wasn't room to swing a cat. It was so packed there. While Edinburgh, a woman tried to swing a cat. There always was, isn't there? Yeah, certainly. Selfish.

I spent... I'll tell you what I spent... This is a strange way to start the interview, but the way the lighting was, from a distance, it looked like you had two hairstyles. Did it? Tom, I should say, in case you don't know Tom, has got very long hair.

It's magnificent. It's really like Woodstock poster hair. But the way it was, it looks like you've also got short hair. Did you? Yeah, so from... I can't see it now, you see. Yeah, I understand that, Frank. So I could see you both as you are

and as you could be with the haircut. As I was. Yeah, it was like a magic eye kind of effect. Why was that? I think it was something to do with the lighting. I don't know. It was a little bit backlit. So you could see his silhouette through the hair. Yeah, I think maybe that was right. Is it worth me mentioning?

I think, I honestly think it's something that, yeah, you could. And no one's going to nick that material because it'll take them at least a year and a half to grow that prop. Or they could use wigs. They could use wigs. Joe Pascali will be straight on to his wig maker.

I saw this good lord! Can you hear me? Who is this? It's you! Who is this? Something wrong. Anyway. I'm lighting designer.

He'd need one of them as well. You'd probably get yours. Anything, anything second-hand you'll go for. So, Tom, can you explain, for those of you who have no idea what the show's about, because it's quite complicated... It's brilliant, though. I really like it. But can you explain it sort of in a nutshell?

No, I can't really. Oh, well, there you go. I can prod the nut around the table with a blunt knife. Oh, well, there you go. I can have what we're going to talk about. I can prod the nut around the table with a blunt knife. Oh, well, of course. Is this some sort of game they play in Sheffield? There's a knife involved. You played brick and stick when you were growing up. That's true, but Sheffield,

everything's got a knife. I once got stabbed in Sheffield and I thought, well, at least I'm helping local industry. Did you really? No. Oh, good. I'd hate that to happen in my hometown. Well, I got married Christmas time.

I ran away with a girlfriend and got married. And there's a story about that, really. Oh, and I met someone before. Most of it's true. What people don't believe is most of that story's true. I know it's a bit fast-paced. Yeah, and I actually took bits out because when I was previewing it, I'd say at the end, I was saying,

that's kind of it. Is there any bits that you'd found totally unbelievable? Oh, you debriefed. You had a debriefing from the audience. Very courageous. Yeah. Oh, it often left in absolute farce, really. But I did it. And a lot of people would flag up

moments, twists, reveals, ideas, threads that were true and they would class them as utterly unbelievable and I had to drop them. That is... These things were true and couldn't be... It's really weird. Because your style, Tom,

is to tell things that's happened from your life. Which I know every comic does that. But you really take them on in an epic you're like an epic you're like the sort of homer of the modern i don't mean but you know what i mean i if something funny happens to me i might do like five minutes of material about it would be a me getting a lot of work but you would build a whole show on an incident. It's very kind of very courageous thing to take on. Well I think that's what

if this show is one thing it's probably a little bit too ambitious like that. Oh no. Tom don't say that. I'm sorry. I'm talking to the comics always to that. I know. The comics come in on Saturday morning saying I'm sorry. We'll be the judge of that.

Yes. That's fair enough. But your last show, which was all set on a train. Yeah, that was one story. Yeah. And it was, actually, I didn't see the live show, but I heard it on Radio 4. I was in my car, and I listened to it on Radio 4,

you telling the story. And it was really joyous. You know, you hear some stuff and when somebody gives you a story and it really, it's like rich and embroidered and got everything. It was great. It was a real joyous experience here in that

time. That's very kind of you. Yeah. Don't tell me it wasn't true. It wasn't. The, er, I think the radio one was... was more true. I don't know. Because the embellishment... Oh, he's getting into more true now.

I can't remember what... You know, we had to tweak a few things for the... We had to shorten it by half for start. That was the hardest thing about doing it. It was hard to remember to forget bits. And Tom Wigglesworth is our guest today. And Tom, I don't know if you noticed, Tom, you were crackling in the last...

I believe so, yeah. So we've moved it now. It's quite exciting because Tom's a guest so he still gets his own mic. I know. But Gareth and Emily are sharing a mic, like the Beatles. You know when, like,

say if John Lennon was doing lead vocals. Yeah. And then you'd look round and there'd be John and... There'd be Paul and George on one. Absolutely, yeah. I hope they were doing witty quips in harmony. we're like shush i'm talking i think we're more like waldorf and statler and the muppets you know those old men that used to sit on the balcony that

was brilliant did they share mikes i don't know but their heads are they're sharing a needle I think they're sharing a needle. I think I read that in a tabloid one. And the great thing, of course, Tom, is that you look like the Beatles, both from 1964 and from 1970. At the same time. Dual haircut look.

You are like the history of the Beatles. It was my girlfriend's wife that told me to grow my hair. This is the longest it's ever been in its life. It looks awesome. I don't even think I'm criticising it. I'm saying you're a man who's got the best of both worlds. It's an extraordinary feeling. I mentioned your last Edinburgh show

there. We were talking earlier about we did a podcast which we thought was going to change the world. It hadn't been recorded in the end and it's lost forever. But your last Edinburgh show did change the world. Well, it did. Yes, it did.

It did. Can you explain? I can. Well, now, if you're honest, it's such a minute change. Well, I know you say that, but to me, it's what movement forward is all about. Yeah, I suppose so.

You can't, you know, small acorns and all that. Yeah. You don't get a bit of... I asked you not to bring that up. See, you tell people something in confidence, I'll be there. I read, I couldn't sleep last night because I watched that documentary about those women that ran into the motorway.

Oh, I didn't see it. Did you see it? We were watching Girls of the Playboy Mansion. Stick with that. These two mad Swedish ladies ran into the motorway and then there's a documentary about it that's harrowing and I couldn't sleep. It was giving me nightmares.

So I was reading other news and a bloke had a pea plant growing in his lung. A pea plant? Yeah, a pea plant growing in his lung a pea plant yeah a pea plant growing in his lung oh dear that was and you so you read that so it'd be less fretful some sort of lullaby see as soon as you've said that now i can feel it tickling it was in a membrane i've not i've just been up worrying about this so we must have inhaled a seed it went down the wrong way well the pea seed is a pea oh is it yeah i suppose it is yeah i hadn't thought about it never mind this people i want to know how your show changed the world um well from that small pea um you don't get if you get

on the train um and you know if you get an advanced ticket and it's slightly for the wrong time and stuff and they they absolutely nail you to the wall and they make you pay for a full price peak time single ticket the ticket that you would never ever buy the one that's astronomically priced and it's only one way you can't even buy a return when you're on board

now you can get an off-peak one on the train at least that's it and that's because of Tom's show that's because of my because I. That's because of my... Because I should say that Tom told a long and very, very funny story about an old lady who was in this self-same position. Self-same's the right phrase.

There, I've done it. It's immortalised. And you leapt to her aid, I think it's fair to say. Well, staggered, really. I was really hungover. Did you get arrested? Yeah. It was all mighty fun. It's great being arrested when you're sticking up for an old lady.

Yeah, it is. Well, that's what that... There was a point which I didn't bring up in the show. There's two points, actually, that are worth mentioning. One is, sadly, one of my main motivations for doing it wasn't so much to help the old woman, but was to annoy the train guard. And I never really revealed that fact,

because obviously it paints me in a not-too-wonder. Oh, I don't know. But that was actually... I was sorry for the old woman, but the train guard had annoyed me so much that I thought, I can't stand for this. I'm going to do something that'll annoy him and that's what i did i had a whip around and collected money for her but when he thought i knew the rest i actually said to him

i said look mate it's it's midday i've got to be at the comedy store leicester square eight o'clock i was gonna go home for a nap and then have a swim but i've we can factor in the rest let's do it let's get the arrest on the go because this day can only get more weird i'm not going to get charged am i they're not going to keep me in well you knew that you'd have public opinion on your side common sense any any exactly yeah so you actually went around the train and did a whip round to get the money for this old lady's ticket. Yeah, I got a pound off her. It's beautiful. When I heard it, honestly, it's really funny,

but there is also something incredibly uplifting about the whole thing. Yeah, I think because everyone's been done over by him, haven't they? And I don't think it lessens the story that part of your motivation was to wind him up. I see you're with T.S. Eliot's Becky, the last temptation is the greatest treason to do the right deed for the wrong reason. But I think you can let yourself off the hook about this. In case you wonder what was going on there as the record ended,

Emily was showing Tom... My vibrating mascara. Yes. She's actually got a mascara brush that vibrates. A bit like an electric toothbrush. Tiny one. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, it follows exactly the same principle. Are you trying to hold it there to the microphone? I thought maybe it would make a noise. I thought it might make a noise, but it doesn't. For goodness sake, are you out of your mind? Tom, there'll be people coming to Edinburgh every day, as there always are, so if they want to come and see your show,

what's it called, where is it, what time? I know this, but it's rhetorical. It is, I understand that. It's called Tom Wigglesworth's Nightmare Dream Wedding, charting my recent nuptials, and it's on at the Pleasant Courtyard. Pleasant, isn't it? I like the idea that it's a pleasant courtyard. I seetyard. Pleasant's. Yeah. Pleasant, isn't it? I like the other one.

It's the Pleasant Courtyard. I see a bear with flowers. A bear-er. Maybe a bear-er. It's pleasant at about 2pm. Yes. But I'm on at 6.20. That's the...

OK, there you go. 6.20, Pleasant's Courtyard. Tom Rigglesworth. That's very sweet of you. And also you've got a radio. We don't normally mention Rive. I don't really see Radio 4 as a Rive station, do you? No, no.

I mean, who's going to think, oh, I don't know which to listen to? It's absolute, toss of a coin, absolute Radio 4. You know, you don't get swathes of listeners jumping ship to one or the other. We don't get swathes of listeners. I'll be straight with you. I wish you hadn't. I wish you hadn't. Is that the collective noun for? What? Swathed to listeners I'll be straight with you. I wish you hadn't. Is that the collective noun for?

Swathed? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Do you know what the collective noun for rhinoceri is? No. No? A crash of rhinoceros. Is that right? Yeah. My favourite's owl. You know owl, don't you? A screech, is it? No. No. Parliament. A parliament owl.

Isn't that Geoffrey Hodge's novel surely sounds like it will be now crows and joe pasquale will also cover it a what a murder of crows oh yeah anyway we i didn't we didn't bring you here for the collective now it's not very cool my bluff i'm told that um you once got an entire front row of your gig thrown out by bouncers. Did you? That's happened more than once. Well, yeah, yeah. Is that more than once? Well, what kind of a show is this?

Not the whole front row. I naturally attract audience comment often when I walk on at rowdy gigs. But I wouldn't have thought you raised their ire. You seem a very lovable performer. Yeah, no, but they start shouting, so I start shouting back. This argument develops. And then...

I'm just very good at sometimes causing utter mayhem at gigs and completely having... I think the one you're talking about was in Manchester. I got the whole front row kicked out was in Manchester. Yeah, that's... I got the whole front row kicked out and the entire balcony on a yellow carpet. Caligula? You've gone power crazy.

I wouldn't have thought of you, Tom. But it was like leading a riot. I mean, the gig was... Well, no, it was undoing a riot. On picking one. It was great. Great sense of power, though. It was, actually. It was undoing a riot, wasn't it? On picking one. It was great. Great sense of power, though. It was, actually.

It was really good. But they shouldn't have been there. They were talking, you know. No, you don't want that in the front row. No, no. But it did distance you from the audience, literally. Yeah, yeah. By a row.

Created a moat. Can you not say that? I'll say about that. It's too soon, isn't it? Yeah. So the Radio 4 show, what's it about? It would be similar to the Richard Branson one, like David and Goliath stories.

I was going to say the Richard Branson one is the one about the old lady and the train. Richard Branson has recently had a series of stories on radio. No, no. I imagine they'd all be about snorting things off working... Well, I'm guessing, but I imagine he's... Richard Branson? Well, I just think he's had the rock and roll lifestyle.

Has he? Has he? Oh, no, I don't think so. Balloons, he does balloons, that's what he does. Balloons? I'm thinking of Jagger. Balloon animals. Oh, well, I'm completely wrong.

Well, Richard, if you're listening, I don't mean any disrespect to you, if you're listening in a balloon, you're doing well to pick me up. I'll be straight with you. Well, look, Tom, it's been fab talking to you. If you're listening in a balloon, you're doing well to pick me up. I'll be straight with you. Well, look, Tom, it's been fab talking to you. I do go and see Tom's show at the Pleasance

at 6.20, and it's his nightmare dream wedding. There you go. And he's lovely. He's one of those people who you meet on a Saturday morning on the show and think, you know, there's some really good people about. That's what I'm thinking. Anyway, think, you know, there's some really good people about. That's what I'm thinking.

Anyway, cheers, Tom. I meant that. I agree, totally. Okay, speaking of you, somebody, we got onto this thing that men, I'm not sure, I'm not sure I think it's just men, but Emily's saying it's just men, I think. It's totally, it's totes just men. Often they don't have the courage to end the relationship,

so they just treat the woman so badly that in the end she has to... She has to do the dirty work. We've had a few texts on this subject. Right, so first Matt from Guildford. Emily, you're not totally wrong, but you're not right. Oh. Men will only treat you like rubbish

to get you to dump them if, when you're a psycho, and he feels you'd never let him go really you know what he is what he's gonna be careful this is a this is a list he's one of those men you hear in the pub going she's mad mate she's mad mate they're mad yeah they're mad mate there's always mate afterwards okay sorry, I'm completely put off you. Oh, Matt. Yeah. No, let's not turn on Matt.

He's joined in. He's making a point. You can see there are some women that you could imagine being frightened to dump in case, you know. Man up, then. The bonnie boiling element. Man up. Yeah. Man up and just dump them.

That's what I say. Well, there you go for any guys who are on the knife edge whether to do it or not what else have we had gaff um from christine again she says hi again i my ex spent hours on football manager even on our world tour they went on some they went on a world tour who's she going out with bon jovi really well that said that so that's an interesting way of dumping someone so she says if you were in Rio, what would you do, dancing or football manager? He chose footy. I know what Frank would do. Yeah, if I'd have been him, I'd have said to her, thank you for helping me on World Tour.

You're told. I'm sorry, Christine, but there's plenty more fish in the sea, as I think we established earlier, didn't we, with your fish industry material. Yeah, currently. Although you've got to have strict quotas or the fishing gets out of control and there won't be any more fish in the sea.

That's the sobering thought. Yeah, so don't go out with too many people, Christine. Don't overfish. And, Frank, I've had an offer. Yeah. Yes. Let me just find... We've got a new texting, so it's slightly difficult to find.

Is Dan 27 from Chelsea? We're halfway into Ben Jones' show, but carry on, Karen. Frank, I'm getting married next week. I'm terrified. Should I run away and move to Morocco? Emily can come. Dan, 27, Sheffield. I'm worried about him getting married.

Dan from Sheffield, that was. Yeah. What if his girlfriend is listening today? Or should I say his fiancée? Yeah. How's she going to feel? Oh no, do you think that's a genuine thing? I kind of, as a man who walked away from a show this week at the last minute, yes, I have a certain admiration for people who do, on the day of the wedding and that,

say to the driver oh she can just keep going i do as well i like a walk out because how many people have actually got married thinking i don't want to do this i really don't want to do it but it's just too embarrassing to to say no and they've just carried on i mean it's incredible but you sort of said no to the wedding and then still had to go on the honeymoon. That's the thing, you still had to come to Edinburgh. Oh, I see what you mean. I thought you brought my marriage up. Yeah, I did as well. Oh God, that was an awkward moment

I think for all of us. Oh dear, I thought Gareth's got on his moral high horse. I've never been so, well I've never been Never mention the wedding. No, look I'm going to do a bit of a plug now. This, hopefully, fingers crossed, on Wednesday morning,

you'll be able to download Not The Weekend podcast. I mean... You never know. It's a bit like, you know, Will There Be Snow This Christmas. Have your... Place your bets now. But we're going to try and... We're going to do it. Yeah. And we'll see how that happens.

Next week... We're in Edinburgh again. Yeah, that's what it says on my notes. It says next week dot dot dot. As if I'm supposed to know. Maybe ellipses. Maybe it's a band called Ellipses. Is that also a question mark? There might be a next week.

There might not. Who knows what the picture holds for sure? I don't know what that note... What does that note a question mark? There might be a next week, there might not. That's the other thing. Nobody knows what the picture holds for sure. I don't know what that note... What does that note mean, Emma? That's telling you what the next song is. It's Joy Division, Liverpool Terrace Apart. Oh, this one, sorry. Yes, next week.

Stop paying attention. No wonder it wasn't recorded. All right, it's not all about you, Emma. You're supposed to wear headphones, not earplugs. It means to talk about what's on next week. Talk about what's on next week. Talk about what's on next week. You're back in Edinburgh next week. Okay, we're back in Edinburgh next week.

And who knows what'll happen next week, I mean. Yeah. If the good Lord spare us, we will be in Edinburgh next week. Ben Jones is on. I might be with Dan in Morocco, I'm just saying. Oh, that's an interesting... What, wearing a face? I'm imagining you'll be wearing nothing but a face.

Sort of making breakfast. Nothing but a face, that's imagining you'll be wearing nothing but a fez. Sort of making breakfast. Nothing but a fez. That's what it'll be. Oh, with him playing the Sheik of Araby on a glockenspiel. Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down. Oh, anyway, look, it's been lovely, lovely talking to you all. And that's about it, isn't it, I think? I forgot how to end the show.

Poor old Ben is sitting in London going, come on, get on with it. He's so angry that his baseball cap is slightly raising above his head with rage. I'm sorry, Ben. So that's it. Thank you very much. And good day to you.