The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 2 Feb - Not the Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: February 2, 2011

Gareth tells his story about an unusual service station proverb which Frank fears may have resulted in a love lost in translation

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. So let us commence.

It's the Not The Weekend podcast with Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. I'm giving you the full names. Oh, we've got the full names. New readers start here. Yeah. And so, you know, they know who they're dealing with. They can Google you, you know.

Oh, I hope they don't do that. Or Google Image, you know. Oh, I hope they don't do that. Or Google Image. Or Google Web. I might ask Jeeves you when I get home. Oh, how very 80s of you. Does it still work, ask Jeeves? I think so. I think it's just I was working with Stephen Fry last week.

It just feels right. You ask Jeeves and you get nine pages of 84 come out of the printer telling you anyway so I'm feeling unkind about this I admire intelligence in people I do no I do I often do

so do I we all admire intelligence in people do you think we should be working in commercial radio that's what we're going to ask ourselves we seem ill fitted in commercial radio? That's what we're going to ask ourselves. We seem ill-fitted in the extreme. Nevertheless, to continue this theme, as it turns out, I went to a poetry reading last week. Oh.

And it was at the Royal Festival Hall on the south bank of the River Thames. And during the interval I was with my girlfriend, Kath, and you know you sit round and we don't, because neither of us drink, there's no point in us going out during the interval, really. What about a nice ice cream? Don't fancy that? Ice cream and poetry.

Is that a bit common of me? Ice cream and poetry, do you? A lot of people do. Now I, we did go out for a little bit because it was a half hour interval now that's that's quite a lot and the reason you get big intervals at poetry readings is because you're supposed to go and you know buy some books oh is that how it works yeah so they don't want to rush you i'm queuing for the Yeah, I didn't see much popcorn on the go. I'm not saying it wasn't there.

I think... I think you could smoke a pipe in the interval. That was one of the options. Yeah, outside, of course. How fresco. But no popcorn I didn't see. Anyway... Was it a particular poet or was it...

It was ten, well, nine poets. Oh, wow, like a super group. Nine, nine of them. Yeah, it was a T.S. Eliot nomination, so it included such well-known poets as Seamus Heaney. Oh. Oh, yeah. Simon Armitage.

Something about digging. Yeah. And that Sam Willits bloke, who used to be a heroin addict, and was brilliant. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about poetry. It's an absolute radio podcast, for goodness sake. Do you want to send the whole system into a spiralling explosion? No, no, no.

When we sat there and we were looking at this audience, we're talking, you know, probably a thousand people. What happened then? Did someone just make a cup of coffee? Yeah, and I was thinking to myself, I said to Kath, I said, so who do you fancy? I said, do you pick a bloke who you fancy in the audience and I'll pick a woman who I fancy. Of course, as soon as I said it, I thought that's a mistake.

I'm going to let her pick one and then I'm going to change the subject. No, she's forgot there's some obligation on me because if I pick a woman I fancy in the audience, I'll be paying for it until way past the Olympics. Also, Frank, you did ask this at a poetry reading. I'm not being rude about the assembled customers, but... Well, I am, actually. Well, there's no need.

Let me tell you, neither of us could come up with one person in the room who, even in a state of heavy drunkenness, we'd even want to, not share a bed, share a lift with. And I mean, they were clearly like-minded people that they were at this event, but it was so sans beauty. It was unbelievable. It was almost like people were doing it deliberately. So poet groupies are not fun.

No wonder poets are so serious. Well, it might have just been a bad night, you know what I'm saying, on the poetry scene. But anyway... A lot of women in bright lipsticks and hats, I find, at those sort of gatherings. There's a lot of women who look like Sir Elton John. If you can imagine Sir Elton John in leggings.

There was a lot of women. Oh, I can. Oh, I'm sorry. And a big forgiving scarf. I didn't think you'd be able to. I didn't think for a lot of women Oh I can. Oh I'm sorry. And a big forgiving scar. I didn't think you'd be able to I didn't think for a second you'd be able to or otherwise I wouldn't have even tried it. So were you quite relieved in a way Frank? Well I was because well it's tricky with

I once mentioned to Kath casually that I'd been out with about seven women in succession before her over this period of about two or three years where they all had cropped, blonde, peroxide hair. Every time we see a woman anywhere near that look, I'm talking Annie Lennox, Agnes... Agnes Deaton. Agnes Deaton. He's had an image change. No, it has to be...

A woman. Well, I say it has to be the woman. She did once make a bit of an inference while I was watching Karl Lagerfeld on the telly. He's your type. That's what she always says. She's your type. Karl Lagerfeld on the telly. He's your type. That's what she always says. Oh, she's your type. Karl Lagerfeld is a man whose throat is out of control.

Have you noticed that? He's my favourite man in the world. He's got a turkey throat. I hope you don't mind. Oh, I love him. And he wears a tight clasp. You know that Andy Gray thing when he says, here, would you like to come and tuck this in?

This is what Karl Lagerfeld says to people about his throat. Would you like to come and talk this in this is what carl lagerfeld says to people about his throat would you like to come and talk this in and of course then it's not so offensive because you're only working around the adams apple area anyway um so i did um i basically like i've always quite like women who um who look like men yes you have make of that what you will but kathy's very Who look like men. Yes, you have. Make of that what you will. But Cathy's very sort of feminine.

Yeah, she's like a 1950s Jane Russell type. Yeah. A doll? A doll, like a pretty Victorian doll. A doll? Does she? Yeah. I've never seen a doll with breasts like that.

Well, I have, but it was... Anyway. No, but Frank, yeah, I know what you mean. There was a Zola Budd thing going on for a while. Yeah, there was. He did actually like Zola Budd. But anyway, just talking about people you fancy, I find if I discuss women who cat has... Like I said, I'm working with this woman now on the show. There's a tension in the air.

And I have to say, I'm working with this woman now. She is quite ugly. Oh, thanks a lot. I'm working with this woman on the show. She's quite ugly. No, well, she knows. She knows you. So she's confident. I'm joking. She knows you as a lot. I'm working with this woman on the show. She's quite ugly. No, well, she knows. She knows you. So she's confident.

I'm joking. She knows you as a friend, so she doesn't think anything's going to happen. But I find myself saying negative things about females for no other reason than to make her think there's no way in the world you would possibly strike. Do you get this with Laura? Well, I think there's a balance between who you can say you fancy and I think it's how likely you are to ever meet that person is important so you know it's okay probably for me to say

I fancy Alicia Keys if I go home and say do you know what Emily is incredibly attractive yeah well this is like that Peter Kay advert on the telly she says if you could just you know what? Emily is incredibly attractive. Yeah, well this is like that Peter Kay advert, isn't it, on the telly? She says if you could just, you know, anyone, anyone at all. And she's waiting for him to say a celebrity

and he says, oh, you're that dawn at work. And that is a very bad answer indeed. But you see, this is what's difficult because, Frank, if you say a celebrity, I mean, normally people say that's fine with celebrities, but if you say a celebrity, you could be meeting them on Hole in the Wall next week. That is true.

So actually, in fairness to Cass, she would be absolutely justified in feeling a little bit jealous. I should say, Hole in the Wall is the nickname of a toilet I sometimes use in North London. Well, no, there is always a danger of that. You can rave about a celebrity beauty. I mean, Will Smith, you know Will Smith, the man with all the... Very familiar with him.

...dependent, Independence Day man. He, apparently, every film he does, he falls in love with somebody on the production. He gets completely infatuated. And he tells his wife about it, and she'll phone him up and say, so, you know, what's she wearing today? And he'll say, no, she looks gorgeous

and they're completely okay about it. Are they? Well, yes. Well, that's the thing as well. It's whether if you just find someone very aesthetically pleasing, stroke, are you actually in love with them? That's also...

Don't dress it up with your aesthetic. I think fancy... You're some andy gray at heart yeah i think fancying is different from uh what i hated most about the andy gray thing was when they were laying into the lineswoman and say you know she didn't get the office there seemed to be an underlying suggestion that male football officials aren't complete idiots. And I found that very wrong indeed. I can show you hours of video evidence that male football officials don't understand the offside rule. I'm all for verbally abusing football officials. But I think you have to be democratic.

Women, if they're football officials, is fine. But on the grounds of them being football officials. Clearly I've got a frog in my throat. Too late, I've been fired. Oh well, so... Frank, can I just say something also about this fancy people? So when, you know if you see someone on telly, if you ever make the mistake, don't ever do this with a woman

because an ex-boyfriend once said to me about Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. We were watching her on telly and he went, oh, for her boyfriend i said what he said oh yeah that must be an awful life i said what do you mean what do you mean so then this exploded it was a bit of a row did he mean that men would always be hitting on he no he essentially meant i'd write it got into him saying i'd rather go out with fergie from the black eyed peas than you that's what it degenerated into after I prodded him enough. So then every time a Black Eyed Peas song came on, we had a row.

We could never listen to it again. Yeah, I can see that. It's like it's a Pavlovian. Oh, exactly. It's difficult because, you know, I would walk down the road and say that's a brilliant building. What a nice dog that is, look at that cute kid, I love that painting, she's all right, we're in trouble. You know what I mean?

It is just one, you know, one refers to beautiful things. Well, Cathy does that a lot, you see. So Cathy, for example, she'll come up, she'll say, she sent me a text the other day saying, I loved your dress so much the other night, I want to marry you. Which is really lovely. But if I'd sent you that, if you'd found out about it, well, you'd have probably taken me to court.

And also, well, she said to me of men. She said to me of Hugh Laurie. Oh, he's very beautiful. That's a strange choice. Yeah. You see, I wouldn't be able to say that of Dame Sybil Thorndale. But she's an agent.

What if she ends up representing Hugh Lauren? Dame Sybil Thorndale is an agent? Well, I'm signing with her immediately. I bet she's got some thrust in negotiations. Anyway, I'd be interested to hear from couples all over the land about this dilemma.

I once said to Kath, on the strength of a magazine in a shop, Oh, God, Scarlett Johansson looks good, doesn't she? God, yeah. I can't watch her in a film now. Nightmare. Yeah, I've had to just blot her out of my life. If I refer to her at all, it's to say that she looks like a Doc's bomb. That's what I've been reduced to.

Anyway, I tell you what I've never found especially fabulous. Cameron Diaz, who everyone thinks is very beautiful. Oh, I don't get it. You know there's some beautiful people you think, oh, not for me. Angelina Jolie, can't see. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Who's your one girl? June Brown. June Brown. I don't know where they're coming from, those people. I have that frank with George Clooney. Apparently June Brown is much more effective. Why are women gasping?

Because I just said George Clooney. No, because I said June Brown. They're desperate for a cigarette. George Clooney, yeah, I think he's a handsome man, isn't he? Leaves me cold. They usually do. Yeah, I find it very hard to double-guess who women are like, will like, rather.

I went out with a woman who was obsessed with Christopher Lee. Oh. Wow. Yeah. Sure enough, she married David Waller. Could have been worse. No, no, David Waller. Could have been worse. No, no, it wasn't. It could have been Christopher Quentin.

It could have been, yes. That would have been bad. What, Abraham? Yeah, I went to, I'll tell you what I saw the weekend. Yowza, yowza, yowza. I saw Green Hornet 3D. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, I liked it. Was it good? I liked it. Oh, I loved it. What is it? Some superhero thing? Not exactly. He doesn't have superpowers.

He's a crime fighter. Is he avenging his father or something? I don't like it when they avenge a father. Well, no, his father is killed. Avoid Hamlet. You won't like Hamlet at all. There's a bit of father avenging going on. But he doesn't really like

his father. Anyway, I'm not going to do that. But it was one of these, I don't know if you've ever had this, I was laughing a lot more than anyone else in the cinema. And I never know if that's a minus or a plus. Was it like Cape Fear when Robert De Niro's doing the creepy

laughing sitting behind them? Yeah, well, I mean, the person next to me, I put my thumb in their mouth. Just, you know, so that's a Cape Fear reference for those of you thinking that's disgusting. And also, you know, with swine flu and various other... The SARS. Is the SARS back? Can we check that? I'll take a swab of your thumb. Thanks very much.

What's going on here? Just let him have it. He's probably building a new me. Anyway, I loved it, I loved it, loved it, loved it so much. it turns out that a couple of days before I'd seen Claudia Winkleman on her film show.

Oh. And boy, had she laid into Green Hornet 3D. She hated it. Oh, did she? And when the other guy who was on there started saying, oh, come on, it's not that bad, she was looking into camera and miming the words, it's not funny.

Really? Wow. And I... I don't understand why she's... Does she know about films Claudia Wilkeman yeah she does I'm going to defend her because she's my friend well I've always thought she was a lovely person until now

oh no has it put you off no I think she's a buffoon no she's not a buffoon I'll dismiss any of her opinion I've never diametrically been so opposed to someone's view of anything right I could meet a fan of Adolf Hitler diametrically been so opposed to someone's view of anything, right? I could meet a fan of Adolf Hitler,

and I'd be able to say, well, you know, he kept it pretty well groomed, or something, a plus. But she hated Green Hornet 3D. I loved it. There was no... How can that be? But it's horrible when you disagree with someone that vehemently over a film. Tell me about it. No, will you actually tell me about it? Well, funny, this week, right, my mum, who I talked about last week,

who does do some slightly eccentric things at times, she went to see The King's Speech with my dad. Oh, yeah. Oh, I saw that. Not with them. She hated it. I went with them. They didn't know. I sat in the row behind. They hated it. I went with them. They didn't know. I sat in the row behind.

They said someone laughed all the way through. Yeah, that was it. What I was going to do is go to a Disney film and leave them at home, your parents. Anyway, carry on. My mum hated the King's Speech. She said, well, I've seen that actor Colin Firth before and he doesn't stutter like that. I know he doesn't stutter like that.

So it's just stupid. I mean, what is it about? What is it about? It's just like the King and a man whose friend helps him talk. I mean, so what? Well, I can see that, though. I thought that when I saw Tony Curtis in the Boston Strangler. I thought I've seen him before,

and I don't believe he does strangle people. That's all talk. Bruno Gantz, again. Also, in the King's Speech, I know what your mum means. I mean, it's not that good. Calm down, everyone. I haven't seen it yet.

Is it not that good? And FYI, Edward the Abdicator is just great. Much better character. I wish she'd been called Edward the Abdicator. That's what I've called him. I've renamed him that. He needs that moniker. Edward the Abdicator and Mrs Simpson.

They just seemed like they were having such a laugh. And I kept thinking, I want to know more about your life, not this boring man who can't talk properly. Well, I can understand that. There was a thing on the news saying Colin Firth, as it turns out, doesn't even like the monarchy. Yeah, I saw that today. Yeah, which is, again, it's Bruno Gantz,

doesn't even believe in mass extermination. Yeah, he's playing Hitler. What a hypocrite. That's acting, surely, as he's stuttering. What a hypocrite. That's acting, surely, as is stuttering. I'd like to see a film called The Heir to the Throne's Car, which is about a bloke teaching Prince Charles how to open the windows on a car

when they're approached by student protesters. I mean, that would be hours and hours of him saying, no, no, turn it this way, my... No, no, clockwise, Your Majesty. No, no, no, turn it this way, my... No, no, clockwise, Your Majesty. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I'd love that film. And then we could recreate my favourite moment when Camilla gets on the floor.

Yeah, that would be... She leapt onto the floor. That would be good. One thing I don't really... I was surprised when I read about the King's Speech is that the theme tune is Changes by David Bowie. Oh! I think that's bad text, isn't it?

I wasn't happy with that. There's also, Frank, in the King's Speech, this is the last thing I'll say about it, but... You can say what you damn well like about it. OK, but you know when there's a man and they meet a man and they hate him and then there's a point where they go, hey, maybe I'm wrong, which never happens in life because you hate someone and then you just never speak to them again.

It should be more like real life. I know it wouldn't be as entertaining. You don't constantly have these epiphanies all the time, which they do in films, which I can't bear. I think I'll go to Gareth here. What's that? Epiphanies in films? No, I think hating someone and then deciding maybe i'll speak to him after all yeah i mean you know that's the story of that's how me

and gareth get through this show you women are so unforgiving oh that's it you've been sacked no no i'll tell you what have you sorry andy gray there and Andy Gray there. In defence of the King's Speech, after my mum's rant... That's the sequel. After my mum's rant, my sister-in-law did say, yeah, but you did fall asleep, didn't you? So, yeah, she did sleep. Yeah, but it's not a great advert. I bet she wouldn't have slept during Greenhorn at 3D.

Yeah, she would have. She falls asleep 20 minutes before the end of any film and wakes up for the credits, and then you have to explain to her what happened. So it may just have been my dad's acting wasn't very good at the end. What did she think of the usual suspects? She thought it all made perfect sense. Did she? I don't get it.

So something happened to me on the way home from a gig this week that was a little bit unusual. I was in a service... It was after the gig, the gig was in Andover, and I was in a service... It was after the gig. The gig was in Andover and I was in a service station. And the service station attendant man, the man behind the till,

said to me... He wasn't English. English was not his first language. I think he had come here from somewhere else. I'm trying to say it in the least racist... There's nothing racist about it. In the least racist way. So you're hoping for a hint of racism. I'm hoping to say it in the least racist there's nothing racist about it in the least racist way so you're hoping for a hint of racism

I'm hoping for no racism I'm not sure it's possible in the least racist way at least why don't you say it in the non-racist way this is a story about a man who's not from England whose English isn't brilliant but I have nothing against any of those people I'm going with not accent

is that ok? it's not as fun. Okay, I'll do the accent. No, no. I think Frank is your show. It depends where he's from. You'll have your rules, Frank. There are some accents you can do and some accents you can't.

If he's from Eastern Europe, we're fine. Is he from Eastern Europe? No. No accents then. No accents. It will not be okay. And so he said to me, he said to me, well, the first thing he said to me was,

are you enjoying life? Okay. Can you not sway your head from side to side when you're doing that? Are you enjoying life? That's a great question for a man in a garage. Yeah. And I was in a garage in Andover, so I was like, it's okay. Okay.

At the minute. And I said, are you? Do you think he was lonely? He was definitely trying to spark up a conversation. He shouldn't have done that on a garage forecourt. Could have killed you all. OK. And he said to me, are you England?

And I said, part of it. OK, that's... No, I said, part of it. Oh, clever. No, I said, I'm English. And he said, sort of said, I wonder if you can help. Oh, he suddenly got articulate when he needed a favour. Yeah. It's funny because you're speaking in broken English, but he did use some quotes.

So he wanted me, he communicated to me that he wanted me to help him with the grammar of a message he was composing to a friend of his. On a text, yeah? Not on a text, written on a piece of paper. That's going to go in a bottle. He's an optimist. I think it might have been for a text, but I think he was drafting it. Was there a pigeon on the, just sitting on the top of the till, looking anxious? He was drafting a text on paper.

So he showed me what he had so far. I don't know if it was what he had so far or what he had received, but it was the start of the message. And it said, Boy failed in love, keeps beard. Boy failed in love, keeps beard. Well, that'll be a Tom Cruise. But a girl...

Could be Al Murray. Oh, that kind of beard, yeah. Boy failed in love, keeps beard, but girl hides in her heart. And he said, is that right? Are you sure this isn't a headline he's copied out of the Daily Star? Boy failed in love keeps beard, but girl loses her heart. Yes. And he wanted me, and he said, is it correct, the grammar?

Well, I like it. I like the idea that in a tempestuous relationship, one person could lose their heart and another their beard. I like the way he switches from the physical to the emotional. I said the first bit, I think I know what you mean by that. Boy failed and love keeps

beard. What does that mean? Because I think it means that, you know, if you're in a relationship, you might have to shave your beard off because your girlfriend might not like it. So you have to make compromises to be in a, and maybe that represents your masculinity. At least you get to keep your beard if she's lefty. You see, I feel that that might be a saying of some kind.

Well, what was the second part? So boy keep your beard. But then he said, but I think the third bit, the second bit, and he said, is that right? But girl hides in her heart. And I said, well... Oh, girl hides in her heart. But girl... Oh, she should have hidden in his beard. I said... She wouldn't be the first.

I think it sort of sounds right, but it sounds like poetry. I'm not entirely, you know, it's... So we drafted something and he said he wanted... How long were you in the gallery? Well, it was a little while because he asked me for help and I'm a helpful person. You had a lot of time on your hands that evening. Yeah.

What time was this about? This was about half past eleven at night. Oh, that's creepy. Well, at first I was a bit worried when he seemed to be keen to start up. So at midnight you were with this strange man drafting texts while your wife and child were at home. It's not the kind of thing you see on crime much, is it, when you see a CCTV from an all-night garage?

Co-authoring. No, a terrible case of co-authoring in Andover. I've never seen that. You see they're knocking him about. Good on you for going in there and writing with him like that. So I think what he said is that I think maybe he had received that and he wanted to reply back in a way and he said he wanted to bump his friend.

Oh. He wanted to bump him. Move him off the chat show. No, I think he meant like I want to shake him up, shake up what he thinks. Oh, I see. Oh, I hope that's what he meant.

He didn't mean as in come on and do the bump. Do you remember the bumps or the 70s dance? I know the bump and grind. Or bump and grind or the bumps. So what we drafted, so I got an idea of what he

wanted to say and this is what we came up with as the proverb that we were to send his friend. Oh, it's a proverb now? I think so. What, you concocted it? I polished it up. I've put in some extra words. So a boy who has failed in love keeps his beard. But if a girl... You haven't changed it at all.

But if a girl... The second bit. I'm sorry, sorry. And it's something different to the other one because he wants to say something. But if a girl fails in love, she'll find someone else. This is what he wanted to say. I don't think it's better.

Why does it make any more sense? A boy fails in love keeps his beard. A woman fails in love, she gets someone else. This is what he wanted to say. I don't think it's better. Why does it make any more sense? I was better before, Frank. A boy fails in love, rips his beard. A woman fails in love, she gets someone else. This is what he wanted to say to his friend, I think. Oh, that's going to cheer him up. I don't think it makes more sense. A woman fails in love, loses about half a stone in stress,

and then finds someone else much quicker. That's God's way of people getting their next relationship. So, no, you're right. It wasn't exactly a closure. What I did is a policeman arrived. A policeman arrived? Not the parliamentary police. Who called the cops?

And he served the policeman. And I said, can I take a picture of this? Because I wanted a record of the notes. And he said, why? And I said, just because I want... The policeman said it. No, the man. Oh, right.

He turned then, I think. He got nasty. And then I left. Did you take a photo? Yeah, I took a photo. He's all right with that? Yeah. What worries me is that it could be some, you know,

big relationship decision that you've contributed and you don't even know what you're saying quite. Some bloke could have left his wife. Isn't that like everything in life? Well, yeah, but, you know, you could have broken a marriage, family and everything, just on the strength of an ad hoc homemade proverb. I hate it when that happens.

Look, I just polished up the grammar. He really, he decided the meaning. I'd like to make that clear. Didn't Wayne really polish up the grammar. He really, he decided the meaning. I'd like to make that clear. Didn't Wayne Rooney polish up the grammar? Also, it does sound a little bit sexist, and I want to say in the current climate, I do not endorse the views of that. Women can keep their beards as well if they want.

Well, yeah, many do. Yeah, well, my favourite proverb was always, marry in haste, repent at leisure. Oh, I like that as well. I love the idea of repenting at leisure. Well, I'm going to repent now. So I'll just get my feet up, get my tracky bottoms off. You could go to the leisure centre.

Yeah. On the water plumes. I don't say that, it's really like, not for me, I'm frightened of water. They make it sound quite nice. But the idea of getting leisure centre on the water films. I don't say that. Not for me. I'm frightened of water. They make it sound quite nice. But the idea of getting cosy on the sofa and then really repenting about the fact

that you got married is, I think, that's beautiful. Do you know what? I've never understood, Frank, because a friend in need is a friend indeed. Why are you,

you're not a better friend because you've got a problem. I'd rather a friend without who's not in need. No, I mean, I think it's a friend who is a friend to you when you are in need. It's not made clear, though. Yes. it's a friend who is a friend to you when you are in need it's not made clear though it's really not made clear a lot of them are

confusing like starve a cold feed a fever people think if you have a cold you're supposed to starve it that's what i've always thought no it means if you starve a cold you'll feed you'll feed yeah it means if you don't eat when you've got a cold, it'll develop into a fever. I thought you should starve. Oh, I didn't know that. Is there any illness when you're supposed to starve? This is very bad news. Yeah, it's called my life.

But no, I didn't know. I didn't know that. I've always starved the cold. Oh, my God, I'm not doing that again. You fool. Really? What does bird in the hand to in the bush mean, or whatever? You stay out of that.

You're not leading me into a Sky Sports incident. So how was your posh do, by the way? Oh, yeah. We had the InStyle BAFTA party. Emily, by the way, is the deputy editor of InStyle magazine. Very good. So this was like an after-party thing for the BAFTAs? No, a pre-party, darling.

The BAFTAs are in a while. Oh, yeah. Pre-party, as in weeks before? Yeah, two weeks before or something. And did you organise this event? Yes, I did. Stressful. My invitation must have been lost in the post.

Sorry, it's not a good post in my house. I would have asked you. No, the postage isn't good. No one else in this room was invited. Frank. Frank. Okay. Frank was invited because he's a celebrity.

But, um... I couldn't go. No, can I tell you what the excuse your management company gave? What? He's out of the country. That's how desperate

he was not to come. He said he was out of the country. I wasn't out of the country but I was definitely... No, you did have some strange ukulele evening or something. I don't know what it was.

Yeah, I can't remember. But your girlfriend came... Yes. ...with the man about the house, Rachel. Oh, yeah, they were both there. They were in full effect. Can you play this if I'm not there? Surely it's just two women.

Did they wear the masks? Because they could wear the French skin mask if someone gave you. But they had a male friend who I really liked, actually. He's my new friend. And so he was you for the night. But it was a great evening, Frank. It was great.

Well, there's a swimming pool. It was the rooftop of that members club. So there was a pool. Well, I was worried because members can still use the pool. There was a woman swimming before it started. I thought, I don't want her traipsing through in old towels and, oh, bikini falling off. Somebody get a net! Get a net!

Was that her name? Did she do that thing when you have to shower your feet a bit before you go on? You know those things where you have to get your scrub? Because you don't want some celebrity going on with her. Do you know what it was? I think she was staying there rather bullishly. I think it was her saying, well, you may have your party,

I'm not getting out of the pool. Yeah, fair enough. Lights were going on, the music was starting, she was still doing laps. Well, you know, respect. Yeah. So then... People thought it was the worst synchronised swimming display that had ever been organised. So then the celebrities started arriving. Oh, exciting.

Heidi Klum. Oh, she's tall. She's tall. Is she tall? Oh, she's ever so tall. Well, I've met Heidi Klum a couple of times. I interviewed her and I... With Seal or without?

Oh, this is pre-Seal. Oh, pre-Seal. Yeah. OK. Is his first name Ron or is that... Am I mad at that? No, she... I tell you what I think about her.

She's a kind of an identikit picture of a beautiful woman. Yeah. So she looks like kind of what you expect a beautiful woman to be. But I like women who look slightly more... I like the director's cut of a beautiful woman do you know what I mean so I find her a little I like those kind of news reporters you get on sky you know there's slightly careful slight you know what I mean they're slightly masculine women who you know when you're who've studied a lot and went you know you can imagine them at home

with like a you know wet hair and a towel around them. Maybe it was her coming out of our pool. Yeah, maybe spectacles on, reading Time magazine, that kind of. Oh, okay. A bit more complex, beauty. So it wasn't very, yeah, not very exciting. Cracking a pair of pins though, Frank. I can say that. You two can't. Well, I tell you, I met Denise Van, is it Ooten or Outen? Um, Outen.

Okay. I met Denise Van Out Is it Ooten or Outen? Outen. OK. I met Denise Van Outen at the crisp shoot, as I like to call it. Was she the only girl there? Well, she's going to wax us. Oh, my God, you said that at an awful moment. The three who sell the least... Oh, I feel sick. The three who sell the least... I'm keeping going. The three who sell the least amount of crisp, going. The three who sell the least amount of crisps,

they have to be body waxed by Denise Van... We've got to buy your crisps. I'm not having you doing that. I know. Because, remember... So, you know, my Frank Roast dinner, Jimmy Concarney, Stephen Fryop. Can I be honest?

He'd be the worst to wax. Stephen Fryop. I mean, he'd be a big job. Iman Al. Oh, he's a big old thing. When I made this pie, I said, you know, I pity the poor wax. Whereas, you know, Jimmy... You and Jimmy would be quite a nice little job.

Jimmy is so thin now. You could do that thing that people do when they take lint off a black sweater. Just put a bit of sellotape round your finger and you could do Jimmy. A treat. But, yeah, so, anyway, we had to do a photo shoot with Denise. It also struck me that we've all had, like, ponds on our names for these crisps. What if Quentin Crisp had been involved in this?

What the hell would they have called the crisps? Just crisps. Crisp, crisps. Yeah, difficult. Anyway, so I never realised what... And I don't want to say this in any sort of a leering way. I mean, I said to her, you know, goodness. I mean, she has got the longest leg. You could play snooker with Denise Van Ooten.

Outen. Outen. With her legs. And when she played the shot, you know when they get out the long queue? She didn't even get out the long rest. You could put one leg on the table and just rest the queue in between. She's like Stretch Armstrong. Wow. Incredibly long.

I had no idea they were so long. You're going to have to be careful. I'm looking at you, I'm a bit concerned. What have we been talking about on this very podcast? If she was using a laptop on her lap and the modem was between her toes, a reception wouldn't be very good. That's how long her legs are. Anyway, so that was Heidi Klopp. Who else came? Heidi was that Tandy Newton. Is it Tandy or is it Thandy? It's Tandy. See, I thought it was Thandy. I'm glad you weren't there. I thought she was christened by Chris Eubank.

No, oh, she's... Tandy, then. Yeah, Tandy. Stupid name. Oh, I'm glad you weren't there. You would have ruined it. Stupid name. Well...

David Baddiel was there, Frank. He, in fact, the male model David Gandhi was there. You know the very good-looking one? He's very thin, isn't he, David Gandhi? I thought you meant David Baddiel. No. David Gandy's the one that wears a big white nappy and little round spectacles.

You know who he is, don't you? Yes, the one... The one with the white pants in the boat. I think I saw him on the cover of a magazine. Oh, you will have. On the shelf. I said to him, love is like Gandy on a shelf. I asked him who was the most stylish, best-looking man there.

You know what he said? David Baddiel. Wow. He said, I think he looks great. I'm not joking. So they don't let him choose his own clothes, do they? So what was David Baddiel wearing? Well, he had his sort of...

It's a bit New York film intellectual look. He has, like, a black suit and skinny black tie. You know, his glasses as well. He had a little bit New York film intellectual look. He has like a black suit and skinny black tie. You know his glasses as well. He has a little bit of a look going on. He looked good. Well, I, on the celebrity front, I met Dr. Jonathan Miller. Did you? This week. Yeah, I went to an opera at the Coliseum in London, and he directed it, and he was just standing there in the corner, and I looked at him and he looked at me,

and I kind of assumed, foolishly, that he'd know who I was, arrogantly perhaps, and I went over and shook his hand, and he looked utterly bemused. He looked like I was going to help him across the road or something. And I'll tell you something, he's about, what is he, 80? Yeah, he's knocking on that one. He looked older than that. He looked like he'd had his face underwater for a few hours

and gone like your fingertips go in the bath. And he had jeans on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And now I had my birthday this week and I had jeans on. I don't know if you noticed. You saw me on my birthday. Yeah, I did notice. And I went and I looked in the mirror after, and I had a flashback to Dr. Jonathan Miller in jeans,

and I thought, maybe I can never, ever wear jeans again. You're not that old, Frank. No, I think... As Daisy pointed out only last week, Ronnie Woods are older. Yeah, I just think if I see a man that old in jeans, I assume he must have pooed the other trousers. And that's all they could find. And I don't...

I'm actually thinking there's an age now where jeans... What do you think is the cut-off point for jeans? Oh, I don't think you should wear cut-offs. That would have looked grotesque. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, That would have looked grotesque.