The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 2 Oct - Alun Cochrane

Episode Date: October 4, 2010

This week the team talk about Frank's cosmetic surgery, the Millibands and Gareth's scary surgery. Alun Cochrane's the guest.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Thank you for downloading this Absolute Radio podcast. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome on Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with, who are they again? How dare you? God, my headphones suddenly went so loud that my nose is bleeding. I'm going to set these off. The producer's gone crazy this morning. Everything's gone... There's a fire in the disco. Gareth. Gareth Richards. Yeah, Gareth. Don't

get the surname in this early. Tempted for work. With Emily and Gareth, of course. And we are back on the air. And if you want to text us about anything, you can text us on 8-12-15, which would be lovely. And what you want to text us about anything, you can text us on 8-12-15. Yeah.

Which would be lovely. And what a week I've had. Why? I mean, what a week! Well, who are you, Ed Miliband? I think not. In a way, we're all Ed Miliband, for he is every man.

I'm David. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so you are David. You're right, you've got that bitterness in your eye. Oh. My eye? Well, I went last... I'll take the patch off. Hold on.

I'm describing my week. Honestly, since you got that nominatio. Remember you used to be that quiet bloke who chipped in at the... No. Nominatio. It's only a matter of time before he's saying, oh, listen, I've had an offer from Smooth FM. Got my own thing.

So, yeah, well, last Saturday I went to the Emirates Stadium, see West Bromwich Albion beat Arsenal. Oh, yeah, oh, you did very well, didn't you? And on Monday I went up to Manchester, did two episodes of Question of Sport. Yeah. Can you believe that? Yeah, I can, actually. Don't they usually, usually it's sports people, isn't it?

Oh, well, they've changed, they've changed. I'll tell you later, it's not going to, yeah. Then I had an official tour of a London library on Tuesday. I went to see Placebo live. Yeah. I went to the new Gauguin exhibition at Tate Modern. I saw Caroline O'Connor live, the showgirl. Yeah. I had cosmetic surgery. I went to the Tate...

What? I saw some Turner paintings there. Hi, you had cosmetic surgery. Shut up. I saw some Turner paint. Hey, you had cosmetic surgery. Shut up. I saw Michael Caine. I don't care about Michael Caine. You had cosmetic surgery. Yes, I had cosmetic surgery. Don't lie. You didn't. No, I did.

They are lovely breasts. Just try. Yeah. Not too hard. Really realistic. Frank. I think they've filled them a bit too much. You know when you have too much tobacco in your pipe? And you can't get any... It's like that.

Frank, you didn't really have cosmetic surgery. The one on the left, I could clench biceps. No, perfect. Frank! You didn't really have cosmetic surgery. I did have. Are you joking? Yes.

That is disgusting. No, I'm not. Sorry, I'm not joking. That is absolutely disgusting i'm not i'm sorry i'm not joking that is absolutely disgusting what is that disgusting what have you had done i think it was that pencil you gave me that said what would emily do i um no i'm not i'm not normally a man who cares much about i mean if i took my shirt off, you'd see that I have a chest like a webbed toast rack. You can imagine such a thing. But I started to get...

I noticed I've got these sort of veins in my nose. Oh, I was going to get... What was you going to get? Well, I thought it was a facelift. I'm not being rude. Well, no, just a small tuck I thought you might have had. Or an endoscopic brow lift maybe I thought you'd had. Oh.

But then I was... You see, you do look quite fresh-faced. Something looks different. Maybe you'd had a wart removed. Well, maybe when I explain. OK. I noticed these veins had started appearing in my nose. I'm going to be straight about this.

It looked a bit... If you can imagine a papier-mâché nose, but the paper for the papier-mâché was just pages of the A to Z. Oh, yeah. So you could see various... A lot of A and B roads. Yeah, exactly. And I just wanted to, I said, just take the A roads.

I'm all right with the side streets. It was, I'll tell you what I think, when I, if you can imagine my face about four foot high. Oh, God. With a slit where the nose was. So there's no nose, they're just a hole. And then Madonna knelt and put her elbow through the slit. So her forearm becomes the bridge of my nose. Can you picture that?

Oh, yeah, very easily. Well, that was the sort of heavy veining I was getting. And I thought, I can't... Also, it makes you look like a drinker. And the very idea, frankly. Well, I wonder if it was that coming through late. No, it is. But... It's the central reservation years catching up with you. So I went to see

a doctor, and he said, You're so vain. Which is clever, because I saw there was wordplay, but it was about vanity. Oh, yeah. You're so vained. You're so vained. You're so vained. Do you see?

And so he basically zapped me. Frank, I can't believe it. I know, it's terrible. You see, my line of work, you can get away with ugly, but people don't like grotesque. And I felt I had... I don't know. But I tell you what... Don't get me started.

There's quite a few people. I didn't feel easy about it, because it's something I associate with a whole different branch of show business. But I went and had it, and they sort of burn them out with a laser. Wow. You sit on a table,

and they point this thing at your nose. And so I felt a bit... I wasn't easy about it. The next day, I put on Lorraine. Oh, God, what on earth did you do that for? I thought that would make me better. And I thought, God, Lorraine's been in an automobile accident. But no, it was Sharon Osbourne

sitting there. And there was a bit where she was talking to Louis Walsh. Lulu, as she called him. Oh. And he said something. He makes me want to shout. He said something mildly amusing. And she really laughed. But when she laughed, she wasn't on camera. Right? So he said something mildly amusing, and she really laughed. But when she laughed, she wasn't on camera, right?

So he said something, and you went, ha, ha, ha, ha. It cut back to her, and her face wasn't laughing. There was a voice coming from the other side of her face. Do you know what I mean? Oh. So her face, and I thought, oh, God, these are my people now. Yeah, they are your people, Frank. You're going down that road. These are my people who are trying're they are your people frank you're going down that

road the cosmetic surgery oh i'm just relieved you didn't have lipo i really or pectoral implant yeah i didn't i mean i'm worried that this i've actually i've spotted a vein that was i think he's put one in maybe there was one left on the end of the needle from someone else you know i had the laser on vein not devane maybe i didn't check the setting oh god that's put even more worries in my mind this is frank skinner on absolute radio you know i don't know if i feel good that I've told you that or worse. What about your various cosmetic procedures? My confession, yes. I just feel that... I feel something about the listeners on this show.

I have to tell them everything. Oh, that's nice. I don't think people have massively altered their opinion of you. Well, you say I have. Just don't let it stop. Just get off my back, Carly. Just don't let it lead just get off my back carly just don't let it lead to other procedures frank that's all i'm worried about yeah it can be addictive you can get addicted to it yeah well that's what i'm thinking i'm worried you know when you have your first piercing and then the next

thing you know you you know your lower regions are like an old-fashioned Christmas pudding. So, what else? Oh, I'll tell you what, it's been a great week for, though. I mean, probably the week for the word hath. Hath. Because the word hath, it doesn't get much air in nowadays, unless you go and see a Shakespeare play. Or Anne Hathaway. Yeah, well, I don't know if that counts.

Or if Chris Eubank, maybe, if he was... I don't know what that would be for Chris Eubank. Or Anne Hathaway. I was thinking about that because I still use that one. And also, you know when you change the clocks? Yeah. I still use that one. The only way I know, I wouldn't have a clue whether they went backwards or forwards, except that thing where you fall back into winter and spring forward. Oh, I don't think I knew that. Oh, that's a good one. Do you know what I hate, Frank, about 30 Days Has September?

And I do say the word has. Yes. Do you know what I hate, Frank, about 30 days has September? And I do say the word half. Yes. I tell you what I hate is the fact that it starts off so promisingly as a rhyme. 30 days have September. April is it June and November.

All the rest have 28, excluding 30, excluding February, which is a little bit... I don't know that rhyme. Why didn't they bother with the last bit? I know. It's lazy. Well, it sort of rhymes because it says all the rest have 31 days clear, except February. Yeah. That's how it goes.

It's rubbish. No, it doesn't end well, but it starts great. 30 days out of September is one of the great openings to any piece of writing I've ever heard. It's right up there with, I have been here before I said, I couldn't even say that one. That's it, me veins.

Me veins are affecting my tongue. Oh my God. That's the morning! I feel we're... The jingles are so loud that I'm actually wincing my way through them. That's not good, is it? Am I Wincy Willis? Is that who I am, Gareth? I can't hear them. Gareth,

am I Wincy Willis? I don't know who Wincy Willis is. Am I or am I not Wincy Willis? Okay, you are Wincy Willis. Okay, you are Wincy Willis. Oh, I am Wincy Willis. Well, that changes everything. Well, in that case, there'll be a high-pressure front coming in from the east, and we're expecting a bit more sun later on this afternoon. Goodbye.

Oh, weather-wise, sort of weather, my one is the one I use is Richard of York gave Battle in Vain. Oh, the rainbow. Everyone knows that. Yeah. I didn't know that one. Don't you? You know when you're in an emergency, you need to know the colours of the rainbow in vain. Oh, the rainbow. Everyone knows that. I didn't know that one. You know when you're in an emergency, you need to know the colours of the rainbow in order.

Richard of York gave battle in vain. Red, orange. Are you going to list them all now? No, don't list them. Because if you don't know one, then... I've got a much more useful one, Frank. Does my lord ever visit... Shut up, Gareth. Does my lord ever visit Brighton Beach?

Do you know what that tells you? D-M-V-B-B. V-M-E-V-B-B. Do you know what it tells you? It's the ranking order of the British aristocracy. Duke, Marquess, Earl, Viscount, Baron, Baroness. Yeah, that's good to know. If I'm dating, I need to know.

That's pretty good. The one that I came up with myself, this is absolutely true, is that when I met the Spice Girls, I knew I was going to meet them at this do, and I couldn't... They were very new at the time, so I thought, I'll learn their names and I'll be nice.

And I kept getting mixed up Mel C and Mel B. So I thought to myself, Mel Black, Mel Caucasian. That's the way to... That's how you worked it out then i found out she was called mel brown and that confused me i kept saying mel brown mel caucasian oh i mean they're called mnemonics aren't they can't they help these people well i had one i used to i used to get to this place and there was two uh women that worked on reception uh one was what sort of a place was that they were they were um normally it's a funny man yeah they were they were quite one was very ugly indeed i'll be honest with you and the other one uh wasn't and one was an itv

one was called so the nice one was called the good-looking one was called sue and the other one was called val they're not good-looking one. And I used to think Sue will sue me if I call her Val. And Val looks like she comes from Valhalla. And that way I never got their names wrong. That's good if cruel. Well obviously I never said it out

loud but that helps. By the way I guessed Alan Cochran today. Oh I love him. I've been to see him. He's proper good. We've had a text in. Hold on. Hold on. I'm just going to press the advert button.

See? Since the nomination. I mean, you know, this town ain't big enough for both of us. Any name you want to leave. That's what I'm saying. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about memory aids,

or as I like to call them, mnemonics. We've had one sent in from Anne. I sat on Scrabster Cliffs eating lovely egg sandwiches. Do you know what that is? No. It spells isosceles. she says it's how my math teacher helped us granted it's a bit local it is a bit i like it around aren't you supposed to have one word that reminds you of a lot of stuff rather than a load of stuff that reminds you of one word

well there's something to be said for freewheeling my dad said that he said that you see at the beginning of a book content cows ought not to eat nasty turnip skins he said all that when school time never ends till nine o'clock i said yeah but content i can cope with that i'm fine with that i don't need all the other no someone sent in um the you know the um the that 30 days has in Spanish I think they've sent it in Spanish we don't understand that but it rhymes in Spanish oh does it?

30 días 10 novembro con abril junio y septiembre divinito solo hay uno lost in 30 y uno well yes that rhymes in Spanish 20-oco-solo-hey-uno. You're listening to Absolute Life. Lost in 20-uno. Well, yes, it's... See, that rhymes in Spanish.

Yeah, but if I could remember that, I probably wouldn't have any problem remembering how many days it was in a month. I'd have to go and learn a new language. Could I just learn how many days are in a month? I'll tell you what I could do. I could look at my iPhone, which has got all the months in it. Well, exactly. Then you'd know.

A diary, a diary, maybe. See, when me and Dave did the World Cup podcast, I mentioned my iPhone twice, and we got a message saying that, look, we're sponsored by Sony Ericsson. Wow. So I had to... Well, I don't think our current sponsor

has any conflict with iPhone. No, no, I'm sure not. I'm sure not. 20 DSTN November, that's all I'm saying. Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say so look what about the miller bones the miller bones it's been great this week hasn't it well it has if you're ed not so good if you're dave no but it's been great watching the the the whole biblical epic of it i love that of course it's it's been a sad week for David, but the big boon that he's got in the sadness stakes

is that his wife is a professional violinist. Well, yeah, Louis Shackleton. So he can say, I've lost the election. And then he can, any time he's down. Yeah. Anne Frank, when he stood down. Anne Frank. She's not still up there surely

and frank when he stood down yes he was able to appear on his doorstep i love a doorstep photo op i love it i like seeing what they're going to wear do you remember when uh sherry in the... In the nightie and the awful hair. David went for a flowery, sort of Paul Smith-style shirt. I like what he was wearing. It was quite casual, over the jean, jean singular. I thought it was a drama top at first glance. That thing with Cherie, she looked very rough, didn't she? And I've had a couple of sleepless nights this week. Rank!

It's funny for that! That's how she looked Well she'd been to the bingo and I had a couple of sleepless nights fretting about my veins God you've got veins Like Louis Spence or something and I what I would complicate is

if I have last night I slept terribly, I woke up about 3 and I didn't get back to sleep when I, if I have, like last night I slept terribly. I woke up about three and I didn't get back to sleep. When I woke up I got bags under my eyes, right? Now, why is that? Because I had my eyes shut. I didn't think, oh, I'm awake, I'd better have my eyes wide open for the whole night. My eye muscles are going, oh, no, no, no, no, no, we need some rest here or we're going to have big bags.

So I had my eyes shut, as I always do when I'm asleep. I still had the bags. How does that happen? Can someone tell me? And the other thing is that I, I wasn't worried about anything. I woke up and I lay awake and I was thinking about quite nice stuff. I just, I couldn't, if I was fretting, tonight you know I thought last night I thought I've got a radio show lovely morning you know

nothing relaxed just lay awake thinking about quite good stuff I like doing that sometimes though I think

oh I might lie awake and have a little thought might be an hour and I don't want to abandon the thought yeah but you have your eyes shut

don't you no sometimes not in the dark you have them open yeah yeah what are you looking for I'm like some terrible vampire I am oh no I don't I don't see? no sometimes not in the dark you have them open yeah yeah what are you looking for? I'm like some terrible

vampire I am oh no I don't I don't see the sense in that um no I just had a note from the producer that says

take a vacation I mean how bad do I look? oh sorry that's the next track sorry so what was you saying about? I wanted to talk about

Ed Miliband we can talk about the Milibands. I quite like him. I love his moley pelt. Is he moley? No, but he's got a moley pelt instead of a hairdo. On his head.

He's like a mole. Oh, a mole? I thought you meant he was covered in moles. I'm sorry, I can give him... Are you obsessed by surgery and procedures? I'll give him a number if he needs those removing. Don't worry about it. I think you just put lime on them.

Gareth, you should have used that this morning really i wish did uh i wish did blow his nose ed miller band i think that's the first he's not that kind of man oh has he is i can feel it in my throat you know what i mean that's my uh that's my my Shall I take a vacation Why not Okay Frank on radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

I love that That's Take a vacation By The young veins Oh Oh You're obsessed

No No No So if you know Any ways Of remembering stuff That's interesting And helpful Oh, you're obsessed. No, no, no. So if you know any ways of remembering stuff that's interesting and helpful, phone us on 812 15. Text. Text us on 812 15. Yeah.

Say, text us on 812 15. Gabby sent in, what about the rhyme about the order of the fate of the wives of Henry VIII? Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. Do you know that one? Is that a rhyme? Well, it's a sort of mnemonic, isn't it? Yeah, but I could say, it works. I could say, beheaded, beheaded, dived.

Dived. Dived. Diving accident. Dived, diving accident. Yeah. She was a diver. Yeah. Car crash, elephant, live.

See, and that's, you know, it's got to be something that couldn't be anything else, surely. Who made you the boss of mnemonics? I am, yes, I am, said there. I am, er, hmm. OK, anyway, well, any more? Ben Brooks says a common use of mnemonics is to remember facts and relationships in trigonometry. Oh, I like the sound of him. He's just a man who'd say cognizant.

I love him. I can almost hear his glasses rattling against the phone. Beak sheik, love him. For example, the sine, cosine and tangent ratios in the right triangle can be remembered by representing them as a string of strings of letters. Sokotoa. Sokotoa, yeah.

Sokotoa. Sokotoa. I loved that. Sokotoa, I remember it. We didn't do that at our school. Why not? I've never heard that before in my life. I don't know if Sokotoa had been founded.

Founded. Is there a place, Sokotoa? Trigonometry. I think I'm thinking of Saskatchewan. It's been a strange morning. Is this my cup of tea? Yeah. I've got a drink.

I produced it around the last one. If you ever need to remember the capital of Armenia, I've got a way of doing it. If I ever need to remember, let me assure you of this, I won't. I don't even want to know. Do you want to know, though? I've got to. What are you thinking?

We might as well get through the last half a dozen listeners who are hanging on to this. Well, I'm not telling you now. How do you remember the capital of Armenia? Why don't we keep them wanting more? Go to an ad break? Oh, they're definitely tuned in for that. Maybe that can be the phone-in and people can suggest.

I don't even know what the capital of Armenia is. I can't remember it. Do you know why that is? Because you don't use this memory aid. Okay. Well, that's good to know. So, look, the Miliband. Okay.

Can we even find out about the capital of Armenia? No, thanks. No, no, all right. It's Yerevan. People are going to phone in um so the miller barnes i love the uh i'll tell you what has been an odd thing every time i watch it on the telly eddie is hard to say ed miller band comes off stage he hugs eddie oh my god you're talking about justine thornton i know you are ed. Ed Miliband's partner. Is that who you mean? No, I'm sorry.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't work out who you've insulted the most. No, she's nice. She looks like Josie Long, his partner. Not wife. I'm saying not wife. Not wife. Oh, yeah.

And doesn't believe in God, Ed Miliband. I noticed he named that. He said that this week. I don't believe in God. There's been a plague of locusts in Australia. Well, you know, I think that speaks for itself. Not a very good aim, God, at the moment. Well, you know, he's probably thinking...

It's quite badly. ...Melbourne, Miliband. You know, he's getting on a bit, for God's sake. Or say, for God's sake. For my sake. But, um, yes. Eddie Izzard. The proper Eddie Izzard. It's all over the labour party like a rash

so ed miller band comes off and there he is and he hogs eddie is hard and then david miller band does his speech he comes off and eddie goes over for a hug and he didn't look too keen because eddie's got a beard at the moment oh he didn't have his stress on though i can imagine he hugged him he's had this terrible moment he knows he's going to walk away from, you know, big life politics. And then he's going, oh, and a cat walking and playing a piano. And, I mean, you don't, who needs that? What about Neil Kinnock? I'm liking Neil Kinnock.

He's gone a bit mental. He's a loose cannon, a Welsh loose cannon. I love it. He is a loose cannon. It's the freckles. They say a venture, they reach the brain. But he's made it very obvious because he's backed Ed all along, hasn't he he's not he's not uh team dave he's team ed i'll tell you um oh oh god sorry about that i nearly choked on i was thinking as i watched it as i watched

these people have been talking about how they loved each other and then i watched over the course of the week their relationship steadily crumble and I thought we've got all this to come again with Peaches and Pixie. Because Pixie, let's face it, is better looking. I mean, you can say any way round you like. She's better looking and she gets more beautiful every day. Yeah. Whereas...

Peaches. Peaches does look like that Velazquez painting of the King of Spain with the Hapsburg. And, you know, that... Can you imagine in their house? I bet there's tension. Peaches does look like that Velasquez painting of the King of Spain with a hap-spancher. And, you know, that, can you imagine in their house, I bet there's tension. So when they decide who's going to save Africa after Bob, there's going to be another election, and it's all going to turn nasty between the... Has he saved, has he not saved Africa yet? I think there's still work to do.

What else is he doing? Not a big song, is he? I heard he was working on an album. Wow. So Africa, they look after themselves, apparently. Oh, no, no, I've got a record, do I? Nice knowing you. Is that acceptable?

I don't think so. We only have this except... This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. I can only apologise. We've had the worst technical problems, but we can't work out what it is.

We're battling on. I think we'll be all right now. Apparently, well, as far as I can work out, the only thing different from last week is my nose. Yeah. So I guess I have to, you know. That's what it is. I don't know if it's the laser affecting the...

And on the plus side, we might get some engineers turning up in a low slung trouser. I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I don't think they are. I think we found the engineer and he said he's in bed. Sounds broken. I think that's what he said. Is that what he said? Yeah. At least he's listening. Respect. Okay. No No he meant Frank sounds broken Since he's had the surgery Can we lay off the surgery now Well that's what we've been saying to you Can we lay off the surgery now

I've fessed up You've fesseded? No I'm fine Is it alright? Not that bad I said will germline be alright The woman said to me I always have germline in my house And I thought that's good coming from a profession i'll take that as a recommendation

although germany on the nose is quite smelly isn't it so it's not ideal well that's a matter of opinion that we've cleared that up yeah we probably cleared up completely i can see it's the bloke from germany was probably just about to phone in and send us, say, 4,000 tubes. And now, of course, you've made a disparaging remark. I don't want it anymore. I don't want it. Keep your Germaline. Sorry.

If you're going to be that touchy. Frank, Gareth got switened this week. Did he? Yeah. I had a terrifying experience this week. Laura and I were in our lounge. Don't say lounge. What is it? what should i say

yeah or drawing right you can't say pardon lounge or toilet plt don't say lounge say living room or drawing them we were huddled in the hovel and um there was a sound on the patio doors a sound on the patio doors behind the curtain. It was dark. Okay. And it was one of those situations where it was really like something was knocking against the patio doors. And you just couldn't think of any good thing that it could be. Like, it's going to be something terrifying. Surely an overhanging branch.

There's no trees near our house not for miles oh dear i mean how far do they overhang since yet what happened to the trees was it when you i told you you if you get a male and a female beaver that's what's gonna happen so yeah there's a knocking on what time of the night was this it was probably about 10 o'clock Oh, yeah, it was a knock-in. What time of the night was this? It was probably about ten o'clock. And it was where... It's a bit early for an axe, man.

Why did they always strike at 2am? Laura said she thought I should look. Well, that's fair enough. You're the man. And so she turned the light on, like for the outside light, and I was going to pull back the curtain. We were going to accept our fate, whatever it was, together.

So, sorry, you extended to being a man in the act of pulling back the curtain. Yes. That's essentially what you did. I should have had a weapon or something, shouldn't I? Yes. The weapons were all in the cellar. What you need is a poker, but of course nowadays

how many modern homes have got a poker lying around? Unless you keep one for that specific reason i had the radiator uh the radiator key i got the radiator key at the ready yeah that was you know nasty you know you pulled it between your knuckles when you've got the radio with the radio do you keep bleeding anyway um so we did it like laura so laura's gonna turn up and so we did it on three i'm on the edge of my seat i know it's terrifying meanwhile somewhere with you're loitering by a curtain presumably wearing a low-slung boxer brief oh no um so you open the curtains it was a frog another frog it was a what was it it was a frog it's a bit uh it's a bit strong isn't it

so raymond blonde so i'm passing no not raymond i'm going to see my mate i wouldn't use that sort of terry's terrible stereotype i'm glad to hear that. I thought when he said it, if we met light of it, perhaps no one would have phoned in. Yeah. I'm glad. No, it was a frog trying to get in. Didn't we have a problem with a frog before?

Like, yes. A moist thump against the patio door. Yeah, it was another... I love that story. We can't sit here all day because Alan Cochran is coming in soon. He's our guest. Oh, I love him.

And do you know, I was sitting on, there's a boat moored on the Thames called Temesis. Do you know that boat? It's like a restaurant boat. Yes, I think you've taken me there. Yeah, it's lovely. Not in a date context. And I was sitting on it and they were playing music, you know, as they do. And the usual stuff people play, you know, Kasabian and The Killers and stuff like that.

And suddenly, to my joy, out of nowhere, they played this. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank... Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Magnifico. That was The Fall with Mountain Energy. Alan Cochran has joined us in the studio, ladies and gentlemen. That number again, 35940111. Don't ring that, by the way. I don't know who's called that. He's made it up. That could be anyone's number.

Hello, Alan. What is that number? I've just arrived and you've said a number. I'm calling it now. It's the thing that, you know, your DJ's always read out a number. Yeah. I made that one up, so please don't ring you. It won't be a number.

What's the chances of it being a number? What was it? 3559. Don't say it again. Is that the ultimate crime? It'll probably be... Probably Niles Barkley. That's the feeling I'm getting.

That's where they... They'll be just... They've obviously had a late gig. They've been lying, you know, what is that? And, you know, that's going to be confusing. So Alan, hello. Hello. How are you doing? It's lovely to see you, as always.

And you, and yourselves. Hello, hello. He's very inclusive. I like that. Yeah, sort of drank in the room there. Did you see that? He noticed we exist. I guess often don't.

They don't often. No. That's because you don't speak when they're here. That's because they don't think I exist, and it would mess with their whole world view. They said to me, that's a fabulous hologram. Guys, Alan is here. Yes, I'm sorry.

It's not about us. It's about you. It's fine. I've got nothing. Now, can I first of all apologize? I didn't go to see you. I mean, the'm sorry. It's not about us. It's about you. It's fine. I've got nothing. Now, can I first of all, Paul, I didn't go to see you. I mean, the gang went. I did, and I loved it. I was at an audience with Michael Caine.

Were you actually? Oh, God, that old tax exile. Is he? He's had a problem with Britain today. So, I wouldn't, normally, but with Michael Caine, it's, you know, you can. Isn't Michael Caine also really into chill-out music? Yes. He didn't mention that.

He is, he genuinely is. I think I know that. Possibly from his Desert Island-ish. Yeah, I think he's a really big chill-out fan. Are you sure? Because he was on The One Show last night and he talked about that he grew his own chilli. Oh. He's not a big chilli. Did he really? No, he did honestly honestly i think we're chilling i think he was just looking for hobbies and got to see in the big book

yeah it's also a cooperative i was running through different things and they were all too rude yes no yet the chef on there, and the chef had made a meal with chillies, especially for him, because he knew he was a chilli connoisseur. Nice. He's also a connoisseur, begins with a C. And he said, I've made this one, he said, you don't eat the chillies, but you eat the food that's been fried. And he went, I'm not eating that.

And that was kind of the end of that. Oh, really? He turned a bit awkward. So you're on tour at the moment. I am, yes. I'm currently doing the Soho Theatre. I like to say it like that. It just gives it a sense of grandeur that it doesn't really have.

And, yeah, I've got York and then Soho again. And I think we're about five or ten into a 50 day. Are you all right, Frank? Have you just drank the dregs of a coffee or something? Today has been one technical error. The technical errors are so bad, there's sugar in my tea. Oh, I haven't got any sugar in my tea. Oh, you've drank each other's tea.

I think I can work out what's happened here. Yeah, yeah. I'm new to this gang, but I can do this as well. It's like the plot of a rom-com. I love it. It's like the worst episode of Saguaro you've ever seen. This is the Alan Co this as well. It's like the cross of a rom-com. I love it. It's like the worst episode of Swarrow you've ever seen. This is the Alan Cochran moment. It's not about us.

I'm not drinking out of Garrett's cup. I don't blame you. Think of the weight on your shoulders, Em. So, yeah, so are you all over the place and for a long time? It's till early December, so yes, I think. It depends on how you define long

time, but yes. The last time you were on, Alan, you were about to go, you're going to say to me now, I don't know what you're talking about, you were about to go on a yurt holiday. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was our sort of honeymoon, post-Edinburgh Festival, we went to a yurt in the Lake District. Can I point out, when you say hour, you mean you and your wife, not me and you. No, indeed. People would have read about that.

You have to clarify. They would have read about it, Frank. We could have had a civil. We could have had a civil. We could have had a civil. But it would still have made the papers, even at my fledging level of comedy. But, yes, we went to this yurt and it poured down from start to finish. These staycations that they talk about in the Guardian travel section are all very well,

but you have to factor in that it sometimes just is really wet in the UK. We went home a night early. Oh, was it one of those, didn't you go home a night early? Well, you just end up, particularly having already been away for a month in Edinburgh, I just was sitting in a rainy tent thinking, I'm an hour and a half away from home, why don't I go back to my own living room and eat off my knee? Like, you know, if you've been away for a while, you start to crave beans on toast off your knee in your own living room.

Have you not got any crockery? No. But that's what happened. But then we sort of said, well, we had a bit of an unconventional wedding, so we kind of went, well, let's cross that off the honeymoon. Why was it unconventional? Well, our son was there. I think you'll find nowadays.

Nowadays. It's very Miliband. It is quite Miliband. I love the fact that he's not married yet. It's great, isn't it? Oh, do you? I do. It's an absolute public disgrace.

But, you know, that's a different matter. I quite like it. And I quite like what he said yesterday about, you know, what was it that he said? Oh, yeah, marriage is important, but a strong relationship is more important. I think that's quite nice. Because we, you know,

we quite reluctantly got married. Yeah, but he's got that Qatar thing. He probably said carriages are important. It sounded like that. Yeah, but he's got that Qatar thing. He probably said carriages were important. It sounded like that. Yeah, that's what it's like. I'm going to have to play some adverts, and then we'll talk to you again. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Alan Cochran is with us this morning. That number again? I'm not pulling that. Alan, I read that you got your taste for stand-up, it says on one of your publicity things, by doing impressions in a school talent show. I did, yes, I did. What were they?

They were... Can you still do them? I can remember some of the jokes from them. Well, let me get easy in my chair. You could probably guess, though. I think I stole them from possibly Mike Yarwood. And they were Frank Spencer, Jimmy Cricket. I'm glad you said Spencer there.

I was a bit worried for a minute. No. Frank Spencer, Jimmy Cricket and David Bellamy. Oh, yes. Big impression then. In those days, David Bellamy was a go-to. It was. It was the gold.

It sort of made Lenny Henry a star. Yeah. And actually the golden era for impressionists, because now the media's so fragmented, it's actually quite hard for them to find people that are that recognisable. It's quite difficult, you know. That's why I only do famous racists from down the ages. You do?

Famous racists. Is he racist? I don't do racist impressions, I do impressions of racists. Right. I think we, you know, we need, we shouldn't forget, because those who ignore history are condemned to reliving it. Yes, I'm just wondering where. Well, Enoch Powell.

Right. Like the Roman Icintacy. The River Tiber. I won't complete it. I don't think I know the real Enoch Powell. Oh, I won't complete it. I don't think I know the real Enoch Powell. Just trust me. Why don't you just trust me? Ian Smith.

Never in a thousand years will there be... And so on. I don't actually do the racist bit. I just blag before then. It's just a reminder. It's a warning. Yes, absolutely. A warning from history. I'm now trying to think of a race that I could add to my 11-year-old routine and pretend, but I can't think of somebody that would have been a highly public race.

No, no, they're thin on the ground nowadays. Yeah, they've gone under. This is true. There's not a lot that I think is funny about the BMP, but I once saw a documentary about a lad who'd been promoted quite high in the youth bmp and they interviewed his mum and dad and they said they asked his mum what they thought of him being in an organization like the bmp and what she wanted to say was i think some members of the bmp have been misrepresented in the media what actually came out of her mouth was i'll be honest i think some people in the BMP have been painted black.

And I remember thinking, well, they won't like that, of all people. They're not known for their frank humour. That seems like a suitable punishment for those people. Yes, indeed. And I hope they use that non-porous paint that killed Shirley Eaton in Goldfinch. What about that? Go on, fold it, fold it, we'll see if I care. Oh, dear, I can hear the letterbox going now with dog excrement. Oh dear.

So, you've done a bit of radio, haven't you? I have, yes. Yeah, who was that? Sorry, I was just sipping coffee and that long sigh of yours amused me. Oh, did it? Oh, how long have we got? Oh, Alan Cochran's here. No, I'm not. Do I not always say Alan Cochran?

You do. He's my favourite comic. He got all excited about you coming on. Good. Excellent. But I couldn't miss Michael Caine. He could go at any moment. You saw my show the year before, and I was very excited that you liked it.

I didn't read the press, but I thought, if Frank likes it, I don't need to know what some teenager that's reviewing for Metro thinks of it. Well, I read some press about you, which I think I'll talk about after this bit, because it was damn good. Oh, OK. And I'm saying damn good. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You know, I absolutely love that.

That's burn the negative, smash and grab. I would go and buy it, but people don't do that anymore, do they? They just press something on their phone and... No, exactly. I say, hey, presto, Alan Cochran is still with us. Also, how much would you listen to it on your own time? I mean, you can hear it here, can't you? You play it once a week.

That's probably as much as you would listen to it, isn't it? I'm not allowed to play every week. Oh, right. I've got a rule. Yeah, there's certain restrictions on that. Otherwise, I think there was some payola. I'm only getting involved in 20 minutes. So far today, you've sang certain words just for fun. Is that unusual?

I think it's the laser. I had my nose lasered this week. All right. He's basically had cosmetic surgery. my nose lasered this week. He's basically had cosmetic surgery. You're looking well on it. I leaned back. I think it went right up the nostril and hit my brain stem.

It's put you in a silly mood. It's just hit that bit. You know that bit on your brain stem? Silly. Yeah. That's how I'll be. So this is a quote from Nicholas Barber in The Independent. Is it? And it says, this is what he says, Alan Cochran, blah, blah, blah.

He's the kind of life-affirming comic like Frank Skinner. Ah, nice, nice. I thought there was a reason. Who seems as if he's being funny just by being himself. Great. Excellent. Oh, you two just congratulate yourselves while we sit here, shall we? Well, I'm happy to read out people's quotes if I'm getting some. You can mention it.

Yeah, if I get the crumbs from your table. Excellent. Yeah. I'm happy with that. That's fine. Good. So, there you are. We're not even trying.

If you're wondering why I'm not being funny this morning, I'm not even trying. This is just me. You're just life affirming. Oh, now we've fed that up. Lots of people at home think. It's my stem. I've had my stem burnt! Oh, dear.

So, anyway, I was going to ask you about, you used to do a radio show. Oh, no, I did a couple of weeks covering for someone. How did you find it? I loved it. I really enjoyed it. I mean, you know, it's good, isn't it? You don't even have to brush your hair or wash or anything. I like that.

It's brilliant. No, you look very well turned out this morning. Do you think I... Were you worried about the webcam? I've had a... Well, every now and again you do these and they go, can we have a photo for the website? Yeah, exactly.

God. And you haven't got time. I wish I'd brought your make-up person in. I've got one you can borrow. A make-up person? Yeah. I do right, do you know? I take my laser person with me.

As the veins come up that could mean something entirely different yeah that's true, but I'm glad we haven't dwelt on that yeah, I think I'm looking alright on a small amount of sleep this is really not part of my body clock to do a late show and then have a beer and then come here at this time, this ungodly hour what I love about your look, if you don't mind me saying it,

is there's a hint of the Scandinavian about you. Yes, I've got a Nordic appearance. You're not wrong. Yes, I once worked with a goalkeeper from the Faroe Islands. What a showbiz anecdote this is. Yeah, exactly. I've got all the names dropping. You nicked this off Michael Caine. Yeah, exactly.

And I'm trying to remember his name now, the goalkeeper. It's the one who used to wear the white woolly hat in Golf of the Faroe Islands. Right. I don't, I don't. Okay. But he was very reminiscent of you. And there's something, I like an eye that looks like it's been etched into the face. Do you know what I'm saying?

Well, no, I'll tell you what, he looks backlit. The eye looks backlit. Yeah, that's good, doesn't it? It's so bright. I'm actually one of the few Caucasians that's got epicanthic folds. You know the, uh, the fold that you get on the inside of the eye? Yes, exactly. That's what it is.

It's the, it's the, that. Which is more common in the Chinese, of course. But, uh, but yeah, here it is. He's got a lovely. In a Nordic looking man. Well, see, it looks great in the Chinese, but the Chinese, they tend to be brown-eyed, I think it's fair to say. Yeah, dark-eyed.

But to see it with the blue eyes, it's near unique. We're now discussing a very visual thing on radio. Yes, but I like to think, you know, that I can paint a word picture. And also, as we've established, they've got the webcam, if they're that interested in your stupid eyes.

I'm looking for it. Where is it? Oh, very, with the pathetic. So what, if they want, people want to find out where you're playing at. Yes, they could, they could go to my website, which is alancochran.co.uk and that's A-L-U-N-C-O-C-H-R-A-N-E. Like Alan Armstrong, the actor. Yeah, I think he's properly Welsh, whereas I've just got the Welsh spelling. Or Alan Evans, the ex-footballer playing for Wolverhampton Wonder. I'd have 60 stitches in his face after an incident in a nightclub.

Did he really? That was the end of his apothalmic eye covering. Yes. Yes. And probably a spell off Hedering for a while. I think he laid off the Hedering. Well, that's... Yeah, so look at Alan.

You're in York tomorrow at the Hyena. Yes. We'll be howling. Yeah? I didn't, what kind, what nature of place is the Hyena? It's actually, it's a bar in the basement of a trendy cinema. It's really nice. It sounds fabulous. It's lovely. It's really lovely, yeah. Oh, I love York. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Oh, God, that's great. I love a gargoyle, me. I've heard. I've heard. I do, yes.

Yeah, certainly in the old... When I was drinking. Yeah. It was my standard fare. Now, then, well, it's been great having you on. I'm sorry, it's been a bit chaotic this morning. I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed it. I felt like I've brought an aura of calm to the proceedings.

I'm almost feeling... What do you think that we should give... How many links have we got left? Two. Should we give out... do you want to do another link? I don't think we've done you a proper service. Well, you can't say no on air, can you? Terrible position

on the spot. You know that thing he's doing, that throat cutting signal he's doing? What does that mean? What does that actually mean at the moment? Yeah, so I think, I don't think we've given you your full... You know, this is very similar to what happened last time where I did the interview and then told a story off-air, and you all said, that's funny, why don't you stay on and tell that again?

Now I feel like a similar version of that has happened. I thought he's got it the wrong way round here, Alan. He's been rubbish on the show. He's hilarious. Absolutely. I feel like I'm now going to get a reputation. That was a joke. Needs four links to get going.

Have another link on me. Okay, thanks very much. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hello, that was imitation. People don't often say hello after a record. I wonder if there's a reason for that.

Yeah, hello. That was Imitation of Life by R.E.M. Get out of here. So, Alan Cocker, and he's still with us. He's broken the mould. He's doing his fourth link, which guests never do. And I thought there was two links left. This will also be our last link.

So it's going to be that awkward moment where we're saying our goodbyes and you're just standing. You know, like on the cricket, when they interview a cricketer and then they turn to say, tomorrow we'll be be back with and the cricketer has to just stand there like a fool. It's because you're our favourite. Is it? Thanks very much. Anyway, we're with

Alan Cochran here today. I'm sure there's a backhanded compliment in it that Alan Cochran needs four links to get going. No, it's because we can't get enough of you Alan Cochran. Excellent, I'll take that. So Alan, you're currently addicted to the Roald Dahl CD collection. Wow, how do you do all these things? You've done an extra link.

I'm getting quite low down my questions. My auntie sent my little boy a complete Roald Dahl CD box set, and he's too young for it, really, but I nabbed it and stuck it in the six-CD multi-changer. I'm not bragging but i'm earning a through a bit of money at the uh transport is it in your car is it a sort of modified luxury skoda luxury skoda you haven't really got a skoda i have genuinely they're quite posh now they're quite posh now i used to have one in the early days all right well

it used to go skoda yeah i Well, my mum had an orange one and we were ruined and lived on the same street as the school. I mean, it couldn't have got much worse. Do you think Judith Chalmers' son says that? My mum had an orange one. Very likely. Again, we'll move on, quick.

So anyway, Roald Dahl. So I've got the Roald Dahl in the six CD multichanger, as well as some music I might add, and occasionally I pop it on. You don't have to be cool on this show. I was listening to, I would hope not, I was listening to the Twits the other day, read by Simon Callow.

It's very funny. It really is. Simon Cowell? Simon Callow. Oh, OK. I think he does the BFG. funny it really is simon cowell i have simon callow i think he does the bfg do you ever watch any of the in the in the lunchtime now on sky arts they have tales of the unexpected do they oh i love those you know i did i love them as well i didn't know how rubbish

they were until i watched them how expected they were that is true that's the when the ending come i cannot think it out but well, I actually expected that. Yes. So that's incorrect. It's a bit like Columbo, isn't it, where they show you the murderer and they show you someone work it out for the whole programme. I love that. It's a wide on it. Yes, absolutely.

So can you just once more, just with feeling, tell us your website address. Alan Cochran. I'll say Alan. Alan Cochran with a U. Alancochran. I'll say Alan. Alan Cochran with a U. Alancochran.co.uk. Don't Google me. Go directly there, please. Oh, no, don't Google him.

No. Oh, gosh, he'll be there all day. Yeah. And also, there's that one story that always comes up. Absolutely. Yeah. Who needs that? Yeah, it's alancochran.co.uk, and that's with a U.

Right, now, I'm stepping away now from interviewing you and turning to camera. So you're the cricketer still standing looking awkward. OK. Next week, the guest is Stephen K. Amos. Hey, you can... Hi, I'm trying. Hi. Download Not The Weekend podcast from Wednesday.

And Ben Jones is next. How about that? Nice. It's all right, isn't it? Ben waved to me there from... Did he? And Ben Jones is next. How about that? Nice. It's all right, isn't it? Ben waved to me there from sort of acknowledgement that I'd remembered to plug his show. Oh, I like that.

That's what, it's all about teamwork. So, Alan, it's great to see you. I would very much recommend you see Alan Cox. I would not be lying to say you are in, I'd say, certainly my top two favourite stand-up comedians in the world. Oh, that's very nice. Who's the other one, you? Why go into the other one?

So, I'm sorry about the technical things. I love a show that ends on an apology. I do this most weeks. But it wasn't, I think we all know that, it wasn't human error. The sugar in the tea was human error. But apart from that, thank you so much for listening, and good day to you. We only have this, X-Files.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.