The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 22 June - Not The Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: July 23, 2010

More musings from Frank, Emily & Gareth which never made it to the Radio show.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute Radio. Hello. It's the Not The Weekend podcast, and, um, it's, uh... Wednesday morning! Probably, although you might be a bit late on this, that would be alright.

And I'm Frank Skinner, I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hello. Hello Frank, and you're back properly now. Yes, I am back. I'm also in Norway. In a way we all are, don't you think? Yeah, I do. Yes.

Did you see that moose on... How dare you? Sorry, it was a reflection in the glass. There was a moose on YouTube that was in Norway. It'd gone into a shop. Really? And broke some stuff. It wasn't a funny clip.

Why were you watching an unfunny clip of a moose in Norway? Well, it's just because it said Norway. I thought, well, I'll go and see what life's like in Norway. So instead of going on TripAdvisor, you go onto YouTube. Well, what's happened in Norway, it seems to me, is the normal barriers between the animal world and the human world have completely broken down.

There's a moose in a shop. Can that be right? I don't know, but I like the sound of it. Well, you should have seen the sight of it. It was quite a polished floor. You could see the hoof. There was a lack of grippage on the hoof. Oh, was there flick-flapping?

I thought the whole damn moose was going to go over like a house of cards. Anyway, so sad news. I hate to begin with sad news, but once again, there's an honours list about to be put together, and there is no Sir Bruce Forsyth. Oh, dear. And there's been a long campaign now. I think 17 people on Facebook have suggested,

and one of them was a former Miss Costa Rica, have suggested that Bruce should get a knight and it just hasn't happened and I read a thing in the paper that suggested that maybe the Queen just doesn't like him you know I actually think it's embarrassing he's begging for it now he's begging for it now

and I just think you can't put pressure on the Queen no one puts Queenie in the corner you can't do that you can't put pressure on the Queen. No-one puts Queenie in a corner. No. You can't do that. You can't seem like you want to. Well, actually, when I put a stamp on a letter, I do. Oh, very good. But I wouldn't mind him getting a knighthood. I mean, to be fair, he looks like he wears a knighthood.

He looks like that kind of bloke, doesn't he? The toupee goes off. I imagine there's a kind of one of those heads, one of those hatter's heads on the bedside table. The toupee goes on that, and then he puts on like a sort of wee-willy winky. A little nightcap. Yes.

I've heard he's got a wee-willy winky, but that's, you know, Shelby's gossip I will not be part of. Don't you think that there are certain things in life you can't ask for? Like, you know, certain bedroom acts, perhaps, you can't ask for, they have to be offered. And I think that's the same in this case. You can't ask for a knighthood, Frank.

No, well, I don't think he's asked. Sorry, bedroom acts? No, no. Sorry, I've got a track. I don't know if you've seen any bedroom acts. I booked a double act the other night who were in there, and they did about 20 minutes, and they were all right. Did a lot of stuff about pillow stuffing.

Mark McQuinn-Wise suddenly sometimes were in a bed, weren't they? Yeah, I don't think that's a secret. He got a CBE in 2006. Was that, Lee? But I think that was... The CBE is the sort of bronze medal of the honours world, isn't it? It's like MBE's the silver and the knighthood and the dame, the damehood. Is it a damehood?

Yeah. Dameship. That's the gold. Is it like a silver Sony award, the CBE? Yeah, it is. Oh, we've got one of them. No, it's like a bronze Sony award. Oh, we can get that.

That's awful. But I wouldn't mind. I read that the bloke, this bloke was arguing that he should have one in one of the papers and that Bruce had been overlooked. And he listed some of the people. What? Who cares? Well, I care.

I'll tell you what I did care about. Do you want Bruce Lee to have a knighthood? Yeah, I wouldn't mind him having a knighthood. When you see some of the people, you know, Sir Nick Faldo. Was it Sir Nick Faldo? Yeah, I mean... Was he what? Golf? Yes. Golf. Gareth writes Yeah. Was he what? Golf? Yes.

Golf. Gareth writes Wikipedia. Is he what golf? Yeah. And that's more Ask Jeeves. I think. Who are what golf? Anyway, so... Maybe he does charity stuff as well. This bloke did point out that Vicky Michelle... You know Vicky Michelle?

Yeah. She's got a CBE. It does seem a bit harsh that she's got one and Bruce has got the same. She hasn't got a CBE. She's got one, yeah. How did you get that? Well, I suppose for services to comedy. It was a slow decade.

a slow decade. I'll tell you what, I read, I read that Bruce was going to do less hours on Strictly Come Dancing because he's getting a bit... Oh, not just in life. No.

Yeah. And he's going to do less hours. He's dead. That's how they've broken it to the British public. Bruce is going to be doing less hours. They'll leave it for a couple of days. Oh, he's going to be doing considerably less hours

I wonder what's going on at least there was a ramp to that grief we weren't just confronted with it instantly but it said they're going to do a live Sunday results night I've strictly come down to it

and they said he won't be doing that he said he has to spend doing that because he's... Why? He said he has to spend the whole day. That's one reason. The death thing. No more life work. But he's doing Saturdays.

They figure they'll take it a couple of series before anyone comes on. Anyway, and he said he spends the whole day in bed on a Sunday after he's done... Oh, how sleazy. Him and Will Neely, yeah? In the black satin sheets.

Horrible. Apparently she will Neely her remaster. So, no, but what it said, it said that, it said he, I flicked down the story to see the rest of it, and it said he does 30 minutes. I thought it said he was going to do 30 minutes of sketches. And I thought, well, that is going to be the best thing. So now, Strictly Come Dancing will have 30 minutes of Bruce-based sketches on him.

How absolutely magnificent. But it actually said he does 30 minutes of stretches every day. What, in the bed? Oh, I hate that he doesn't get out of bed. It's revolting. No, that's because he's exhausted from his work on Saturday on Strictly. He gets out of bed some days. Obviously, he gets out less since he's died.

He's just going to spend more and more time in bed. They're just leading us into it gently by saying he doesn't get out of bed. Eventually he will become bed as he merges with it. Can I point out, by the way, that Bruce Forsyth is totally alive at the time of this recording. Except for Sundays.

And I celebrate that fact because I would be very happy for him to get a knighthood. Can I say that? If you're in bed all day, you might as get um a knighthood can i say that if you're in bed all day you might as well get a night shirt as well don't just lie there in that that shorty kimono you like to wear oh that's made me feel sick don't be horrible he's an old man i don't think anyone's gonna argue with that so um now what was the thing you were going on about?

Um, handshakes, Gareth? Yes. Now, some boffins, they said in the paper, boffins were involved. I think in Manchester University... Are those those very squat birds with the yellow beak? That's right, that's right, yeah. Ours are silly, there's a lot of them. And, um, they've devised

the perfect handshake. They've given you guidelines. Because it can be awkward. Greetings can be really awkward. Not really, I'm very good at this kind of thing. Yeah, I know. This is partly why I want to talk to you. Okay.

So the guidelines they've given is dry palms. Dry palms is good. The mistake I've been making is oiling up first. No, but I shake... On a Sunday I go to Roman Catholic Mass, and there's a bit called the sign of peace, where you all shake hands and say, Peace be with you.

And you'd be surprised how many clammy hands you have. And I mean really quite clammy. Ones that feel like they've just been moisturised and not robbed in you. Are you supposed to eat clams in church? I think that's acceptable. So, dry her tryp a strong grip with fingers under the receiving palm. Fingers under the receiving palm?

Oh, yeah, I can see that. Maintain eye contact. Now, that I'm strong on. I hate it when people shake your hand and look somewhere else. What sort of animal does that? I've never experienced that. I think they're looking to see if anyone more exciting is in the room. That's what I would say.

Oh, I do do that, yeah. Yeah. And I've had it before intimate relations. You know when you shake hands before? Yeah. I always shake hands. Before the money changes hands. No, I always shake hands before making love, just to put everything on an even keel.

And do you maintain eye contact throughout? No, well, no, not on a good night. I like the last five minutes my eyes roll to the top of my head. Oh, God. Anyway, look, so... Two to four vigorous shakes. What? Yes, what a night that was.

You know, I haven't been to Dubai since. They reckon two to four vigorous shakes for two to three seconds. Two to three seconds. Actually, you don't want to be doing that. You don't want to stop watching the other hand. No. No. two to three seconds you don't want to stop watching the other hand no Chris Eubank used to pride himself on having a very very firm

does he have a vigorous shake to be honest it was bullying really he used to shake your hand and he'd squeeze it he'd really squeeze it so it hurt do you know I think I've been on the receiving end of him yes I've heard that yes did you retain eye contact well you couldn't could you be covered in saliva

i didn't mean that no we'd squeeze i've i've shaken his hand yes i met celebrity party surely he wouldn't squeeze a lady's heart like that. I remember it being, he squeezed it. It was quite a vigorous shake. Yes. No, I hate that. Do you remember Chris Ramsey, who was one of our guests? Yes. When I gigged with him one time, and we went to the gig, and the guy who was promoting the gig shook

our hands, and as he did it, he did the most painful handshake you've ever had, so it was a crack. And just, he did it to all of us. And then Chris arrived. It's when the outside knuckle touches the inside knuckle. Oh, no. Really dreadful.

And we all didn't know what, and we were all shocked by it. And then Chris arrived, and he shook his hand. And Chris said, ah, what did I ever do to you? Why did he turn into Cookie Monster? He's from the north. Oh, is he? OK. But no, what I would say to you, Gareth, advice, re-greeting, re-handshaking.

I tend to practice the double kiss, as you're both probably aware, when I meet someone. But the trouble is it's becoming adopted by too many now. So I've had to do something else. Are you saying that you pioneered the double kiss? Is that your suggestion? I was an early adopter in this country. So I'll kiss on one cheek and then I grab them in a sort of arm lock.

You'll notice I do that. Really? Yeah, in a hug. So it's kiss and hug. Like half Nelson? Yeah, half Nelson, yeah. Seems to work. So one arm over the shoulder. I don't think you can do that to men though, it's a bit weird. Okay, well. You two shook hands the other day when you met.

Yes. It was a very warm handshake. Well, I would have hugged you, but there was a table in between us. There was a table in the way, that's true. And I was like this when I won the Korean table tennis championships. I had to settle for a handshake. I couldn't reach him. I just couldn't reach him, as simple as that.

The kissing... I'll tell you my worst kissing experience is... Chris Eubank? No. I imagine even his lips would squeeze. He was so aggressive with it. Anyway, by the way, Chris Eubank, I once saw him shake hands with Jeff Goldblum.

Oh, that would have been a good photo. Yeah, and you know Jeff Goldblum is, I don't know, I find him one of the most annoying people on the planet. Really, why? Because his idea of acting seems to be speaking in a way that no-one has ever spoken, with all the stresses in the wrong. So his idea of acting would be, I, um, I, did I, I went to the, um, the shops at the end of the road

and I think, no, that's not acting. That's just saying words in odd ways. I saw him, he's on in the West End and I went past a poster. Oh, yeah. And I saw him and I thought, you'll just be going, yeah, I spoke to Marissa yesterday and she said... And who wants that?

Who wants that? So anyway, he got his comeuppance because Chris Eubank squeezed his hand so hard that his knees bent. Jeff Goldblum's knees actually... He buckled at the knees. He buckled. He was suddenly four foot two.

And he went, wow, that was hard and it hurt. And I think it did. And I was glad. Anyway, I was in a green room. Not a green room, but a room where one goes after a show. And Elvis Costello was there. Oh. With his wife of the time.

I say of the time. Cot, she was called. I don't know if you remember. Oh, is this pre-Diana? Oh, yes. What was her name? Cot. It's an Irish thing.

Cot. C-O-T. No, it's something her name? Cot. It's an Irish thing. Cot. C-O-T. No, it's something, you know Irish spelling. It's C-A-G-W. Oh, H-P-Y-Z. She was in the pokes for a while, I believe. She was in the pokes. All right.

Anyway, we were saying goodbye and I did the cheek kiss. And she went, oh, no. Did she? Yeah, and I thought, oh, dear, what have I done? And she said, I'm sorry. I mean, she recoiled. She physically recoiled. went oh no did she yeah and i thought oh dear what have i done and she said i'm sorry she i mean she recoiled she physically recoiled and she said sorry i just i don't i don't like the kiss thing and i was mortified elvis said oh don't worry about it yeah and then jeff gelt

hi i saw that and i wondered no it was it was it was nightmarish. So that put me off kissing. And even with hogging, and I like... I'm a very tactile person, I would say. I would have liked to have hogged you the other day if the table wasn't there. I felt the hog, the handshake, really. It was a sort of a travel version of a hog. But sometimes when you're hogging women...

Right, be very careful, because I hogged you for about 20 minutes. I know you did. Well, not 20 minutes, that's not... But you're hugging women right be very careful because i hugged you for about 20 minutes i know you're not 20 minutes but you're like a sister to me oh but sometimes when you're hugging women you become very aware of the fact that they're women do you know what i mean oh i know what you mean the boobs yeah and and then i just think oh no this is i've gone into something now i don't know quite how to get out of it and and some men, see, when that happens to me, I think, oh, no, and I back off. But I think that some men, they actually enjoy

hogging a bit too much. There's the lingering hogger. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to watch out for them. Yes. I think that's what happened between Brucie and the Queen. Oh, well.

I think he went in for a hug. Well, now it's all coming out. Lingered too long yeah I can understand that she's still an attractive woman I don't think anyone's going to argue with that are they Absolute Radio