The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 26May - Not the Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: May 26, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about the Millabands, Kate Moss and Cauliflower.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I did this thing the other day that I hadn't... Oh, by the way, welcome to the Not The Weekend podcast.

Can you not interrupt again, please? I did this thing. I used to do it when I played snooker a lot. I was sitting at Heathrow... No, not Heathrow, actually. The Crucible in Sheffield. Yes. No, I was sitting at...

What's it called? Euston Station. Oh, yeah. In North London. I was there yesterday. God, it's a funny old world, isn't it? Yeah, but you were sitting outside. Imagine that. Yeah, you were sitting outside, what, you were playing banjo next to a dog lying on a blanket.

Anyway, I tried this thing that I used to, when I played snooker in snooker halls, I'd be playing, the blokes playing on the other table, and I'd whistle the very first part of the Some Mothers Do Have Them theme. Oh, how did that go again? So I'd go,

and then I'd stop. Oh. And if you wait, every time I did it, eventually someone will go... And they take it up. You just try it. Try it at home. Well, don't try it at home, obviously.

But any time you're in a public place, there'll be someone... You need some people over, you know, 35 in there. Yeah. I thought we'd start off with a helpful tip. That'd be good. So I suppose the big story is... Oh, hold on a minute.

Wednesday morning! That's so much better. I've been a bit jingle-light of late. I don't think I've really... In the early days, I was like Rick Waitman over twin keyboards. And now I just forget they exist. You even had a black cape, like Waitman. I'll tell you what could really lift it, though,

and that is... Oh! I had that with me all the time, so when I walked, I walked in time with it. So if I came into a room and say, actually, Frank's here about eight, key in the door, oh, that'll be him.

Even everyone. I'd like to walk down the aisle for that, just repeatedly. I think that'd be very good. So, yes, the Miliband Brothers. That's what everyone's talking about. They're the hot new act. Well, hot is the word.

Do you think they are hot? Oh, yeah. You think they're hot? Yes. Which one? I like David. I prefer David because the other one sounds like it needs to blow his nose, Ed. And got one of those kind of.

That really gets on my nerves. I think he looks like Milhouse from The Simpsons. If he had blue glasses on. Does he have blue glasses? No, he has blue hair. Red glasses. Yeah, I think he looks like Milhouse. Well, the comparison's a bit all over the place.

This is how identic it was born. Somebody started saying random features and spectacles, and then someone just said, hold on, why don't we reproduce those? Then people can make up faces of criminals that they remember. I like to think that's the case. Well, yeah, they both have got that thing where they look like they've been painting the ceiling. What's that?

You know that little white bit on the front of their head? How odd that they've both got that. It's because they can see dead people. On The Sixth Sense, the little boy had a patch of white because he could see dead people. Maybe that's what they have. The only thing that puts me off from those, they're so commercial, like it's so obvious to fancy them.

Everyone fancies them because they're the only good-looking ones. I haven't heard anyone else say they fancy the Miliband brothers. Mind you, I fancy Vince Gable. Yeah, well, he's gone down in my estimation, let me tell you that. Raise your bar. You're damaged. That's what Scott Capuero said when he came on the show. Did you see that thing where, when the coalition government began

and David Cameron was asked, and they said, how do you feel now, but when someone asked you your favourite joke and you said Nick Clegg and it was a bit of an awkward moment and then Nick Clegg said, did you really say that? And then he mimed walking off. It's a fabulous bit. I mean, it's actual visual comedy from comedians.

But it struck me at the time that why is that an insult to be called a joke when a joke is in fact one of the finest things in life, isn't it? It brings joy. It's often the result of human ingenuity. It has a warmth and one repeats them. One remembers one's favourites. To be called a joke, why is that a bad thing? It should be a great compliment. You don't want to be the butt of it. No, you don't want to be the butt of the joke.

And the suggestion is that you in yourself are something humorous and to be laughed at and ridiculed rather than it being good wordplay. No, but you're bringing in ridicule. So you think if people say, I'll tell you what the best joke ever is, Frank Skinner, and everyone laughed, that would be good? Yes. I see what you mean.

I'd be happy with that. Whereas if someone said that about me, I wouldn't be happy. No. What would make you happy is compliments go. Yes, I'd be happy with that. Whereas if someone said that about me, I wouldn't be happy. No. What would make you happy is compliments go. Exactly. A woman who described herself, I think, last weekend. I should say it.

Yeah, you say it. I said, I'm a... No, I was talking about my role on the show, I should say. Mark Watson was in last weekend, and he came in and said hello to everyone while the music was playing. Yeah, and I announced myself as a promiscuous snob. Emily said, that's my role on the show, promiscuous. That's my role on the show, promiscuous snob. Not in real life.

But then we asked each other to sum each other up in two words. What were you, Gareth? I was faithful commoner to your promiscuous snob. And what were you, Frank? Mine was comedy elder statesman. Oh, I like that. I'm not allowed comedy in my role, yeah? We're going to see how that works out.

We're all waiting. So I would be concerned about the brother element there. Because I don't like the idea of brothers pitched against brothers. And won't there be, with the Miller Bands, I mean, their parents, that's going to be awkward, isn't it? Mr and Mrs Miller Band. And also, there'll be that kind of thing,

you know, if you win, if you keep going and you win, I'm going to tell mum you smoke. There'll be all that kind of stuff going on. Which, for Ed Miller Band, who was Environment Secretary, that'll be a big kind of stuff going on for ed milliband who was um environment absolute kiss of death yeah i found it a bit awkward though because you know when david said oh no you know i love my brother and nothing is going to change that i found that even though you know obviously you love your brothers but to say publicly i love love my brother. Well, did you think it was a bit soppy? Well, it just seems a bit...

I like it. Do you? Yeah. Well, it's very common now. I mean, the Williams sisters... I don't mean that in a promiscuous snob way. I just mean like the Williams sisters. Yeah.

You know, often having it up against each other. But this is the... I was saying this, I think... Actually, I was on television. I was saying that I thought that they would be... Thanks very much. Let's make the most of it. Could be my, I think officially my last ever appearance.

Yeah, I think that if they did it together, not went against each other, but if they did the Cameron Clegg thing, I think the idea of having two brothers running it, that'd be really exciting. It's a bit like a double act. It becomes a bit comedy double act. You could do your... It's not a bit like a double act.

It is a double act. It would be a double act, thank you. I think it would be. You know, it would open the door for maybe 20 years' time conjoined twins. Imagine Prime Minister's question time. I'm Prime Minister. Because of it being two people or not yeah

what if you got conjoined twins and they were members of separate parties oh that would be complicated that would be so complicated oh where would they sit imagine Prime Minister's question time they'd have to race from one side of the house to the other they'd have a special chair, I'll be bound.

She's in? In the middle, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right, yeah, because I'd like to see that, though. That'd be a good cable car, maybe. Vince Cable. A Vince Cable car, there you go. We've got there at last.

Yay. I saw Kate Moss. Oh, did you? I didn't see her. She ran at yours, was she? I have seen her once, I remember. Have you? I was in Jay Sheeky's, which is a fish restaurant in the West End.

Oh, one of my faves. And I've never spoken to Kate Moss, but she was in there. This has probably been about ten years ago. I have to say, she was extremely beautiful. Oh, she's not bad looking. I mean, really. I mean, I know one shouldn't be surprised, but she had a sort of a cascading blonde hair,

and it was really quite a spectacle. But she's got what I think is a brilliant thing. In fact, I think you told me about this, Em. I can't imagine it to be a fact I'd know. Yeah, it's about when she leaves a hotel. Do you remember that? Yeah. So basically what it is, is when Kate Moss goes to a hotel,

apparently she doesn't do any cleaning up. That's one of the fabulous things about being Kate Moss. She doesn't have to do that anymore. There is someone who essentially comes and just sorts everything out. So she just walks out of the hotel with her bag, and that's it. When you say it doesn't clean up, you're not in the habit of cleaning up

when you leave a hotel, are you? I'll just vacuum this. No, I mean, packing your stuff, organising your stuff. So she just walks through life leaving everything as it was. So she just grabs her handbag, and all her clothes are lying around,

and her make-up and all that stuff. Yeah, and someone else will sort it all out and get it sent on to the next place for her. Now that to me that's what I'd like. That would improve the quality of my life, no end. Well I think there's, because you had a servant on your holiday. I don't see a servant.

I was like Marie Antoinette. I had a butler. Well what is a butler? He's not a servant. He's a man servant just i know but it was only briefly i only had a butler for a week one week only i had a butler okay but dude is is it the sort of thing because i remember i spoke to i don't wish to name drop but i spoke to tara palmer tomkinson and she grew up with a with a butler and she said you could get a butler for about 40 grand a year and i thought that that's not bad is it if you think you know things that they could yeah well i i don't think i can afford

one just now no but you've you're married you don't need one and really look if that you know if that had been di gene whatever he's called. Everyone would have applauded. Gene Hunt. Gene Hunt, yeah, quite right. I suppose it was absolutely 80s weekend. Exactly. Yeah, so I thought... But you have got a PA. Now, I would quite like one of those.

Can I tell you why? Because the one thing that I find very stressful in life is... Can I just point out for listeners that a PA is a personal assistant. I don't want you to think I have some sort of built-in tannoy system so that if I'm walking down the street and think of something funny, I can broadcast it to all and sundry. I just had a very scary moment there with Gareth.

I looked across and he'd just had a cup of tea and both his glasses had steamed up and it was a terrifying image. Was it like, like carry on moment? It looked like a fly, a large fly was a terrifying image. Was it like, like carry on moment? It looked like a fly, a large fly was sitting opposite me. Anyway, back to your PA.

So what I would really like, because I do find it stressful, is you know when you want to get out of something and you've arranged to meet someone and you think, why did I do that? I really didn't want to see them, but I can't think of a good excuse. Can you just get the

pa to put them off that's what i'd like someone to ring people up yeah just send the pa instead get to take notes update you on what's going on in their lives that'd be great we'll have a coffee and say you know what's what gossip have you got i'll put it all in an email and then i can i can take minutes when frank discusses it next week yeah I have got occasionally my PA to phone up someone and say, Frank said it would be quite nice to meet for dinner. Do you want to sort it out? Have you? Some people don't like it.

What, ladies? No, not necessarily. Just as a personal. Not necessarily means you have done that at some time in the past. Well, I don't know if i've gone so far as well yeah i've given my um i've briefed my pa with a series of chat up lines and sent it out on my behalf we should say you wouldn't use them anymore because you are in a long-term solid relationship indeed this was in your previous life yeah exactly um i quite like if you're talking about a servant

who would improve your quality of life, if there's one thing, like I'd love to be regularly shaved. Oh, man, I can't tell you how much, because I hate, I hate, hate shaving. There's only one thing I hate more than shaving, and that's beards. And that is my dilemma. Yeah.

But imagine getting up in the morning and just sitting in a chair. I was shaved once. I was in a... The Crucible in Sheffield. I was in a nude wrestling competition. No, I wasn't. I was in a Duncan Goodyear look-alike competition. I was completely... No, I was in LA Duncan Goodue look-alike competition. I was completely...

No, I was in LA. And, yes! And I went to the barber's and he said, would you like a shave? And I said, you know what, I would like. I've never had a shave. And he got the old cutthroat razor and the hot towel on the face,

like you're getting Popeye or something. And it was brilliant. So I'd like someone who did that for me. Also, I take one of my pet hates, really. You know when you get a shirt back from the dry cleaners and I think, oh, lovely, nice, clean, ironed straight off. Oh, I love that. Little safety pins.

Yeah. None of that. All just lovely and just put put straight i take the bit of plastic out the collar and they all and then when i get to the end of the sleeve it's buttoned and you can't get the hand out the end through the cough and you have to you have to withdraw and undo what i want is someone when they come back is it just unbutton those coughs for me you'd employ someone just to do that? I'd be happy with that, yeah. How much do they earn? £40,000 a year?

I think I could get them for £37,000. Well, the thing is £40,000 a year, if you get... What you want to do is you want to get some young person who's on the dole and, like, train them up yourself. No, I'm not. Not broken Britain.

Much cheaper than 40 grand. Someone who goes round in their shirts with just a pair of shears, taking the ends off the sleeves. I can't be bothered with the unbuttoned... I mean, then, you know, he's done, say, 20 shirts. Then you've got an argument on your hands, and you know what they're like. Blah, blah, blah. Middle-aged man kicked to death by hooded youths. And for over what? Over an unbuttoned cough.

For God's sake, not me, boy. Now, Broken Britain. Britain wasn't the only thing that was broken this week, because Gareth was telling me about something earlier. That was a fantastic link. Congratulations. Neil Francis, thank you. Land from the Master. Gareth's not going to talk about it

at all. Now, Gareth likes a difficult pause. That's one of his things. I've always admired him for that. No, well, a mate of mine, who I haven't been in touch with for quite a long time, left a thing on my Facebook recently saying, I miss your silences in phone calls. Which is, I do it even in phone calls.

There's long, awkward silences. How do you explain it? Well, I don't know. I don't know, it just sort of happens. I mean, have you run out of things to say? I don't know anything happened. It's like I black out at those points, so I don't remember that. Oh, is that what happens?

Yeah, it's just like, you know. See, when I talk to you, I always think, I'm being so tedious that Gareth is now thinking about something else, and that's what that big silence was. And then you come back to me just out of sheer politeness, really. I don't think that. I just think he's being a bit mental. Yeah, well, obviously. I think that's an element. No, it takes me a while to consider what someone said.

I think I'm just a bit slow, but given the time... No, but I don't think I'm stupid. I just think it takes me more time to be yeah i'm worried about that people will switch off they think well that's it i didn't like the ending much it was like that that tommy cooper show that time i mean there was no there's no proper ending so anyway um so what was broken so um i So our keyboard on our laptop, me and Laura's laptop, has broken. I love it when a keyboard becomes our keyboard. I know.

It's something very romantic. Don't share a laptop. That way trouble lies. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. She'll be checking your history. Delete history. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, God, delete history. Delete history. Isn't that what Pol Pot did? If we forget then it'll just happen again. Yes, our laptop, the space bar on our laptop has broken. And so what I did is I went on eBay and I bought a replacement keyboard for the laptop. You know, the part of the laptop that is the keyboard. Don't take this

as patronising, but that's quite a practical thing to do. It took me three years to think of it. You started thinking of it before eBay existed? Yeah. Actually, how old is eBay? I'm a prophet. Yeah, it's older than three years.

Is it? I reckon. I forgot a card or anything. Can I just say that in Yorkshire there is a one where you... Just in Yorkshire there's an eBay where you can buy, you know, Yorkshire-based things like flat caps and cricket items, called e-bagel. Oh. No, but there was just a little island there.

If I'd have been out in the street, that would have been a broadcaster in my PA. I'd have just switched it on for that one. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. And then you can listen to me on absolute radio Saturday mornings at eight. So, yeah, you've got your keyboard. I've got a keyboard, but this has presented a problem

because what you can do is you can order the individual keys to replace on a laptop. Can you? Really? Yeah. Oh, it's like Countdown. Oh, I love it. But it turned out that that was... What if you can't afford all of them?

You just have to choose which letters you like the best? Yeah. Most common. You need the vowels. Oh. You would only have broken one properly. Oh, OK. But they're quite expensive so it turned out like so basically the whole keyboard was the price of like four keys so i got a whole

keyboard and i thought if worse comes to worse i can just take the key off and put it back on but it's a different sort of fixing so i'm gonna have to put the whole keyboard in the laptop the problem is i don't know what i'm doing why don't you just get a man any idea this is your answer to everything 40 grand a year for a butler The problem is I don't know what I'm doing. Why don't you just get a man in? I haven't got any idea. This is your answer to everything. £40,000 a year for a butler. He'd be earning more than me. Oh, that's a confession, isn't it?

Oh, let's not get into salaries. It's a hoary old area. Do you need a space bar anyway? People can work it out, can't they? You can just write lip-smacking, thirst-quenching, just write everything like that. Or just stream of consciousness, like Courtney Love or something. Yeah, you don't need a space bar. Space bars

are very, I think they're very 90s. Just write the whole thing out. People can work it out. I think, well, maybe the problem is when I've been speaking, the space bar has been getting stuck and that's why there's such long pauses. you go you've got a broken space bar you've got a broken spice box i think there's a lot of that so that's a very good idea for a song you've got a broken space but write it down write that down yeah obviously it'll all be one word yeah so uh have you got that? Obviously, if it's successful, I'll expect a credit.

I'll tell you what, I was very sad to read. The cauliflower... The cauliflower has gone out of fashion. Can you believe that a thing like a cauliflower is dependent on trends? The sales of cauliflower in the UK have dropped 35%. I'm sorry to break this to you, Frank, but it's because cauliflowers are rubbish. No, they're not. I really

like cauliflower. They don't taste of anything. They're just white, sort of slightly brittle and then when you cook it, it goes to mush. It goes to mush when you cook it. You're overcooking it. I accept some people don't like cauliflowers, but why suddenly

with 35% of the population... Actually, that's probably not the right maths. Why they should drop by a third in sales in one year. But other things have come along. There's things like hummus now and sun-dried tomatoes, which never exist. Hummus is a replacement for the cauliflower. Yeah, well, if something new comes along,

something else has to go. Don't say hummus now like it's only just fashionable. That went out in the 70s. Yeah, also, you know, it's nothing like cauliflower. That's like saying, well, now you've got Facebook, you don't need cauliflower. We're talking about the decline of the cauliflower over ten years. I've got an iPhone. What are you eating cauliflower for? I mean, just nonsense. You can get a cauliflower app.

You'll get a cauliflower app in a minute if I come over there. The thing is, though, cauliflowers are only good with cheese. That's not true. It is. Who made you the boss of cauliflower rolls? You'd need gravy. You can't have cauliflower by... Have you had cauliflower by itself?

I've eaten cauliflower in almost every manifestation. Can I just say? I have. I once boiled a cauliflower. You had cauliflower as the Duke of Wellington. Yeah, no, I served, I served several... You served. I served individual cauliflowers to my

guests. Oh, lucky guests. That was a nice party. Stinking old kitchen. Individual cauliflower. No, no, but it was a starter. Keep that with prawns. Listen, it was a starter. Keep that with prawns. Listen, it was a starter, and I covered each one in a small Hessian copper. Oh, wow.

It was an elephant man themed starter. I'm not a man, I'm a cauliflower. You know what I hate? The smell. I'm not an elephant. Is he Indian, the elephant? Is that why he's called the elephant man? He was Indian. Yeah, Indian elephant man. I'm not an elephant. Is he Indian, the elephant? Is that why he's called the elephant man? He was Indian. Yeah, Indian elephant man.

I am not. I am not. He is. Stop it, you guys. Mind your language. I don't like it. I am not an animal. The smell.

I can't bear the smell. Yeah. You know when you go into someone's house and you think, oh, and then they smell like the common parts. Smell of cauliflower. Like the common parts. Small people's common parts. No, but, and then they smell like the common parts. Smell of cauliflower. Like the common parts. That's all people's common parts. My common part, smell of cauliflower.

The Elephant Man, 1898. I've got a series of quotes from the Elephant Man. I'm thinking of maybe selling them as, you know those samplers that people, you know, bless this house, you can get the frame sampled. Oh, I can get that on a nice cushion. Yeah, Elephant Man quotes. Another one is, Ah! That was good.

Bread's going out of fashion as well, isn't it? Well, not... The standard sort of loaf is going... People now apparently in the United Kingdom, they prefer, you know, brioche and croissant. Focaccia. Baps.

Same to you. Oh, God. But that's another thing that has to be covered with cheese to be any good. That's what it is. We can't be covering everything with cheese. You're another thing. I say you're another thing that needs to be covered with cheese

to be any good. That's what I think. Oh, I'm going to try that. Yeah, but I think this is all very good. I'm sorry. Because our palates are getting more sophisticated. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah.

But I think, like, the bagel, apparently, has become, like, a big deal now. And if I'm eating a sandwich, I don't want to see the food through a small window. Why do you want it to be some strange secret? You know, when you have a bagel and you can see the smoked salmon... Oh, in the little hole?

Yeah, I don't want that. You know, sometimes when you get a sliced loaf, you can see the smoked salmon in the little hole I don't I don't want that you know sometimes when you get a sliced loaf you'll get an air bubble and you think oh you get just one end of the air bubble

and you think oh I know what's coming here there'll be a hole at the top of the bread and you get that hole just near the top of the bread and when you put it in say if you've had

like a cheese and salad sandwich it's like you're driving behind an Austin A40 and the contents of the sandwich are looking through that window at the back at you. I don't want... I feel guilty about eating it. They need plugs for that. They need some sort of bread plug

that you can have on hand in case there's holes in the bread. I agree with that. I suppose I could... I'm going to write that down as well. That's going... I suppose I could, you know, patch up. Bread plug. Well, you could use another slice to fill that gap is what you could do.

You've used up another whole slice. I know. And then that slice has got a hole in it. Exactly the same shape as the first slice. When the air bubble is at its fullest, like it's a third of the slice, and it looks like a small handbag. And when you get it in the loaf and I keep going through thinking,

how long is this going to go on for? Oh, that's a nice... And then there's the crust. What a waste of time. The crust. When did you last eat a cross from a sliced bread well i like a cross oh not me to me that they're they're just package and packing i you know i see those it's just a lid for the loaf i open the thing i lift the crust take things from underneath and then put it back i often think of the crust there must be a cross on one of my loaves

thinking, hold on a minute after I've had about six or seven sandwiches isn't that the other cross down there? and then the one at the end thinking, why is he still here? surely he would have gone first and then the inevitable when the two cross meet and then I throw them away

so I always throw away the remaining two at least they go together. That's nice. They went to a better place together. That's a lovely way of looking at it. Emily likes the upper crust. Eh? Is it sort of a crust joke? I've decided we can't follow it.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.