The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 28 Sep - Not the Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: September 28, 2011

with chat about the hobbit house and forest life, Frank warms to the idea of living in the wilderness

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. There's a little bear that you've never met before. He's a lot of fun. Children everywhere grow to love him more and more.

He's a number one. There's a million stories to be told of the things that he's done. And we're going to tell them all to you, so come along. Everybody, whoa, whoa. Rupert, Rupert the Bear. Everyone knows his name. Rupert, Rupert the Bear. Everyone come and join.

In all of his games. Okay. I don't like In all of his games OK. I don't like the sound of his games. He was an Orson Crosses wizard, Rupert the Bear. Used to play it on his own trousers. Hello. You catch us in frolicsome form here at Absolute Radio Basementland.

This is Frank Skinner. I'm with the cockerel. And I'm with Emily Dean. Anybody want a crunchy while I'm going up here? I'm going to the kiosk. Oh, I love that. I I'm going to the kiosk. Oh, I love that. I love the idea of the kiosk. Anywhere where somebody lives where there's a small hole in their window

for passing things out is great. Anyway, here we are. Let me tell you something about a little insight maybe into broken Britain. And I don't want to start off on a negative note. But I was walking through the Victoria area of London.

Oh, I've got a bit of policeman. Yeah, I was proceeding in a... What would it have been? Was it North West? Southerly. Oh, Southerly. I was proceeding in a Southerly direction when a man...

I wouldn't say he was shabbily dressed. He was borderline. He said to me, oh, can I have something I need to tell you? There is something I must tell you. And I thought, well, I know this kind of approach. There's some people that just say, have you got any money? And there's some people that they wheedle. So I said, yeah.

He said, I'm not after money. He said, I've got money. And I thought, well, OK, then I'll examine your wares in the conversation. He said, I have to say, you look very, very like 50s rock and roll star Gene Vincent. Well, this is quite an opener, isn't it? Isn't it? And he said, do you know Gene Vincent? I said, he said he died with the Big Bopper.

I said, he didn't. So already we were in dispute, me and the stranger. I said, I think you'll find that he's he's Ulster, he's, not he's Ulster, he's Ulster-verse. In the early 70s. I said that was Eddie Cochran that went down with the Big Bopper. And Ritchie Valens, I said. I said that was Eddie Cochran that went down with the big bop.

And Ritchie Valens, I said. I lambasted him with facts. And he said, oh, well, you really look like Gene Vincent. He said, who wore a leg caliper, but I didn't bring that on. And I said, oh, well, thanks very much. And I went to leave and he said, I need £1.79. Now, this is another technique I find quite interesting

with people trying to get money. They often pick a very specific song. Oh, yeah. So the idea that there must be something that they want to buy. It's a great thing. Yeah. And I said to him, but you said you didn't want money, you've got money. He said, I've got money, but I need another 179.

Don't we all love... To make it up to the sum I... And he hadn't even planned a purchase. He said to make it up to the sum I need. Right. That's not good enough. It all sounds very to the sum I need. Right. That's not good enough. It all sounds very half-baked. It was.

Although the gene fits. I mean, 50s rock and... I was the youngest ever member of the British Vintage Rock and Roll Association when I was 10. My dad wouldn't let me go to the meetings because he said the blokes looked weird. Oh, it was all right for RK to have

blood-winning pig posters on his wall. They were were pretty weird but a poster won't hurt you well maybe that's not true look at the sure shot redemption but um it just it just got me thinking about the whole scamming thing because this um do you know jane vincent by the? Are you familiar with his work? Yes, I know who he is. In a vague way, the way I am with everything. One of my first moments of great disillusionment, there was a fabulous Gene Vincent song called Pistol Packing Mama. Mm-hm. Put your pistol down, Mar. Put that pistol down.

And that's what it was. It was about his girlfriend going to shoot him. So it was something... You sort of felt like you were channelling him there. It was quite a Korean. It was lay that pistol down, babe. Lay that pistol down. Pistol packing mama.

Lay that pistol down. And then they added an advert on the telly for Roundtree's fruit pastels with a mother in the house with children saying put those pastels down and ending up with pass those pastels round. And it was the first time when I thought

commercialism has got a dirty side to it. I was very young. I was 11 probably. Anyway, we could sit here all day talking about it. So then I heard about my second scam moment of the week. I was talking to a bloke about this guy that Gene Vincent approached, and he said, a friend of mine had a weird one.

He said the other week he got a Nigerian email. Well, we all know what that means. Well, not in my case. That could have been a message from my grandfather. Is he still alive? Yeah, he's still around, I think. He's a big investor. It's very hard to track him down.

Well, yeah. Anyway. Does he constantly email you asking for money? He has done in the past yes but that's another story i like the fact that in your defense of the nigerian nation you said that they're not they don't all send scamming uh emails there's my bigamist grandfather who's genuine who really wants that money well he's got about five households on the go. Anyway, so this guy got the email. The email said, my brother is

an astronaut and he's been in space for ten years. They haven't got enough money to bring him down. This is a Nigerian astronaut. This is a Nigerian astronaut. Like a space version of Cool Runnings or something. Or a chick's outfit.

Surely. If you run out of money in the astronautical business, it's not about not bringing them down, is it? No. That's the end of that. So I don't know what he's living on up there. He must be low on the meat and two hedge tablets. It's like that film.

I didn't know they had us. Is it Moon? Moon? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They must be low on the meat and two veg tablets. It's like that film. I didn't know they had us. Moon? Oh, yeah. It reminded me of John Tracy, who was the one on the space station in Thunderbirds who never came down to Tracy Island, just up there, seemingly on his own. I was unaware also that they'd invested money into space exploration.

You haven't heard of the Nigerian space mission? No, anyway, he's stuck up there. His brother, I mean, you can imagine, if you indulge me for a moment, the brother said, this is a dilemma, when he realises he's going to be up there. God bless him. Anyway, I don't think it's true, that's my theory.

And God forgive me if there is a Nigerian astronaut who's been stuck up there for ten years. Once again, it could be my grandfather. Maybe. One of my grandfathers. Well, you don't think he's married, though. How did he get over there? Has he married a moon maiden?

I don't know. That's my grandmother. How dare you? No, I've got five grandfathers on that side. Yeah. We'll talk about it later. Five grandfathers. Yeah side. Yeah. We'll talk about it later. Five grandfathers. Yeah.

It got very confusing. Yeah, I bet it did. That's quite a gap. Did you give the man this £1.79? That's the bit of closure I'm now. No. No. Good.

I didn't, because he started by saying he didn't want money, and I think that's wrong. He's painted himself into a corner that he can step across. It's like a detective novel. You can mislead, but you can't blatantly lie in order to stop them from guessing who done it. Oh, yeah. And that's what he did. Sorry, Anne.

No, I was just going to say, you're absolutely spot on about the specific amount. Because someone once came up to me near King's Cross. Sorry, that sounds terrible. That's alright. And you asked for a specific amount? Is that the story? They offer a specific amount.

You're a pedestrian at this point. Who's reigning? You're in a doorway. Anyway. Sorry. I'm picturing a black beret and fishnets is what I'm thinking. But there was no resistance, if you know what I'm picturing a black beret and fishnets is what I'm thinking. But there was no resistance, if you know what I'm saying. Certainly no French resistance.

Carry on. Oh, dear. OK, so I was genuinely near King's Cross. No, no, it was just many, many innocently. The lads weren't out. I was innocently dressed. And he asked me for £34 to get home. That's what I thought. That's a lot to ask for. I said, where does he live? home. That's what I thought.

That's a lot to ask for. I said, where does he live? Barcelona. Yeah. That's a lot of money. But I thought that was quite cleverly pitched. He was reasonably smartly dressed, and I thought... He's obviously thought, look, she's more likely to believe me. If I ask for, like, £4, she won't give me, whereas £34...

But he's going to give £34. That's what I thought. Well, he's had all this thing, he said, here's my address, you can send me that you know it could have been genuine yeah right no i was stopped by a man in birmingham with a petrol can oh and he said we all love i just need four quid blah blah blah and then a couple of nights later i saw him uh in another part of town with with a petrol can he just walks around with a petrol can. Well, I've had a similar thing. There's a man in Greenwich that comes up to you in full motorbike leathers, holding a helmet, saying...

My friend's head is in this. If you don't give me some money, I'm going to chop your head off and put it in here. I'm going to avoid him. I don't like the sound of him. He comes up to you in full motorbike leathers... Holding a helmet. ..and very sincerely goes, look, I just need some money

for fuel. I've left my wallet at home and doesn't ask for a lot. And I think my wife gave him some money the first time she saw him. I didn't. I'm more cynical than she. And then we saw him again the next time we were in Greenwich. Still in the mud. I suppose

there's a bit of you that thinks, well, you've gone to a lot of trouble. I mean, fancy dress, of you that thinks, well, you've gone to a lot of trouble. I mean, fancy dress, basically. It is, isn't it? Well, it's like the faux bungee jumpers, if you come across them. No. Oh, they say, oh, well, I'm doing... They come up to you, they accost you. Sometimes in King's Cross, sometimes in other red light districts.

But they accost you and they have a piece of paper and they say, I'm doing this parachute jump slash bungee jump next week and I just need some money if you could sponsor me. And it's a sort of tatty photocopy thing. Well, I'm not going to subsidise your death wish. I've never encountered a faux bungee jump. I thought you meant that homeless people were bungee jumping off buildings. You were walking and they suddenly appear,

have you got ten pence for that? And then they've gone back over again, I just need a couple of twenty quid. I mean... New Zealand pickpocketing. Yeah, it's just that when they've finished doyoing and they're just hanging there. Yeah.

It's terrible. The authorities come along. It looks like the homeless have been put out to dry, like farmers do with moles. And they hang them on the fence. Well, my brother has been the victim of petty crime this week. This week? Yeah, yeah.

Possibly the most petty crime I've ever heard of. You know your car wing mirrors? You know the plastic bit at the front of your car's wing mirrors? Someone has pinched one of them one night and another one the next night. So his car... I mean, it looks ridiculous, his car. It looks like a dog that's had its ears trimmed. But the mirror's still there. The mirror's still there.

Just the back of it. It's still fully functioning. The plastic casing is gone. But the plastic casing, so his car's not the colour of, his wing mirrors aren't the colour of his car. No. And you can see they look a bit sort of Meccano. A bit like...

Roboty type. Yeah, when you get a pocket watch with all the work and show and tudo. Yeah, yeah. But I like it. I should get rid of all the panelling on the car. Go for sort of steampunk. That's the way. They might have started something there. But infuriating, like when somebody's... And what are they doing with that?

I don't know. I can't help but think it's opportunistic that somebody that lives near him has got the same model of car and has perhaps bashed a wing mirror and has just gone. I'll have those. I could have those. But, not nice. Maybe. Not nice.

I'm thinking somebody building a life-size metallic giraffe. And they just get a series of those panels and they paint in between. Or they've already done it and they just need the ears. Yeah. What is the ears? Those things on the top of a giraffe's head, they're not done it and they just need the ears. Yeah. What is the ears?

Those things on the top of a giraffe's head, they're not ears, are they? Oh, aren't they? Those are antennae. They have ears at the side and then they have antennae. Oh, they've got that separate sort of stem. They're all CB radio enthusiasts. Oh, yeah. I don't know what their handles are.

No. I miss CB radio. How many neck-th their handles are. No. Probably not neck. I miss CB Radio. How many neck-themed handles can you have? They must have been used for pages ago. Yeah. Crazy Paving is one very popular one. Oh, that'd be good.

Because they are crazy paving on legs, the giraffes. I've often thought that. They really are. Was CB Radio quite big in Birmingham? I reckon it was. Oh, it was absolutely massive. I once watched a workman next door, and he carried a ladder up the garden while he was doing some work and he broke the cable on their CB radio mast.

And the woman came and said, have you broke the cable? And he said, no, it was broke when I arrived and I'd seen it all from my bedroom window. I didn't want to get involved in case he took offence. There's no such thing as witness protection back then. No, no, I didn't want another identity. I'd barely settled into my own. Frank, there's something cheered my soul this week, and that was... I thought you'd stopped doing that in the 80s. 90s.

Yeah, I'm sorry. And that was, did you see the Hobbit house that had been built oh I loved it I want to move in there absolutely amazing he spent £3,000 he built it from scratch with his own gnarly hands

3,000 pounds one of the most beautiful houses I've ever seen yeah it's very sort of Lord of the Rings, isn't it? It is. It really is. Yeah, yeah. When he sort of made it, when you go inside, all the furniture and stuff, it looks very like trees.

Yeah. It made me realise, really, for the first time, that we kind of disguise wood when we use it. kind of disguise wood when we use it it also made me realize for the first time that the furniture and interior decorating businesses uh basically have got a sort of anti-bark policy because the first thing they do is take the bark off stuff he's left all the bark very true and it looks it look richard bark on that's what i call. He's left it all on now. Dave Swift. Yeah. Very successful effect, I think. Yeah, I mean, this is why Baloo doesn't live indoors,

because there's no Barkon furniture. The scratching potential is... You know, it's like the fish and chip business won't leave the peel on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so they don't look like potatoes. It's a very similar thing. So you've got a pine table, it doesn't really look that much like wood leave the bark on this bloke left the bark and it looks great and what a man doing that what a man i like the fact that he's very good looking simon dale and he's uh moved to the dale it's sort

of that's deliberate i don't think so no i think it's a happy accident like like me being cochran the cockerel yeah it's one of those happy accidents but it is really knockout it's a happy accident. Like me being Cochran and the cockerel. Yeah. Just one of those happy accidents. But it is really knockout. It's one of the... You know, we often, we can be cynical on this show and critical at times, but I would love... I'd give him three and a half to build me one.

Yeah. One costs three. Well, there is definitely a mark-up in the building game, isn't there? Because that doesn't look like three grand's worth of property. Honestly, what would be the best way to look it up? Simondale.net, I believe, is one of the best ways. That's his own thing. It seems like it, yeah.

Now I'm thinking it might be a ruse. Nigerian man going into space? Yeah, that's what it'll be my cousin has had to build a house from twigs because he's he just needs £8.49 no no it really looks brilliant

but I'm impressed as well because I don't I don't really do DIY which I know wouldn't really surprise you I'm just not it's not my scene to be honest Frank I've tried God knows I've tried have you tried? yes I have just not... It's not my scene, to be honest, Frank. I've tried. God knows I've tried. Have you tried? Yes, I have. Because I think there's something a bit pathetic when you live on your own, having to ring a

male friend or just someone and say, can you come and fix my boiler? I looked up a YouTube video once on how to reignite a boiler. Oh, yeah? Well, yes. I've seen videos like that. On there. I feel I'm of an age where I can enjoy those videos more. It's less of a freak show.

I've reignited a few boilers in my town. Can I tell you that? Stop it! Will you actually tell me about it? Stop it! But not now. There's a button that you press in and hold. No, it had ceased to work. there's a button that you press in and hold no it might

it'd cease to work I imagine you're the owner of a pink fake fur tool kit you know that kind of thing that the ladies get when they live on their own but they never ever use it it's like a screwdriver with a gold sparkly handle yeah exactly

sounds a bit handsome pink furry I've seen a lady. I bought my girlfriend a lady talk. It was in a pink... I don't know if that was household talk. But I know what you mean. You would expect that.

But at least I try. At least I make the effort. But I don't really do black and decker and all that business. I expect you're quite good, Alan. Well, expect again. Because I am terrible. Oh, I thought you're quite good alan well expect again because i am terrible and i thought you'd be good didn't you frank you've got a diy accent you know what i mean yeah you really misjudged me you know last week you seemed to think i was some kind of

proper man of the soil like real person no i am not only am i incapable but i don't even try i am so reluctant that I just stop now. I just go I'll do an extra gig and we'll get a man in. Oh really? But you see that to me this is why I don't do DIY but I don't beat myself up about it. I get someone else to come

in and beat me up. Because that would be too close to DIY. No I don't feel because I think well in my line of work it's to DIY. No, I don't feel... Because I think, well, in my line of work, it's all DIY. You know, I'm writing my own stuff. So why should I feel bad that I don't build a shelf? Because that's someone else's DIY. Yeah.

But if I was like one of the old comics who had all the stuff written for them, then I would feel bad. But, you know, having said that... Yeah. I heard only the other day of at least one comedian on Twitter who has people writing his tweets. Don't.

Yes. It wasn't the one I was thinking of, but you may be right. I don't think it's just one person, but how tragic is that? I thought tweeting was all about communicating your innermost thoughts. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I won't put a shelf up in my own home, but were I to tweet, I'd like to just have it registered now that I would do my own tweeting.

Can I just say my tweets are all my own work? Well, that's great news. Well done, you. Did I mishear that? No, it's not right. So I don't feel bad because that is DIY, isn't it? You know. Yeah. DIY comedy. That's what I'm championing.

In a way. The nearest I'll get to actual DIY is maybe a bit of painting. I don't mind a little bit of painting. A bit of painting? A bit of painting. Got taught how to decorate by Mickey Flanagan. Did you? Dust is the enemy of the decorator, Al. Worth remembering. Dust. Dust is the enemy of the decorator, Al. Worth remembering.

Dust. Dust. Dust is the enemy of the decorator. Big decorator, Mickey. Used to be very good. I'm imagining there were a comic book called The Decorator and a villain called Dust who he battles with. Maybe I'll check out the commercial

viability of that idea. A lot of money in comic books these days. Especially about comics and decorators. Maybe it could be a wrestler. Frank, we have had an email in during the week. I love it when that happens. We've had excellent emails this week.

Excellent ones. Really fun. And this is from Paul Martin Lawrence. He's called himself PML. Good lad. Are they separate names? Separate? Separated names? Or is there a hyphen involved? He's put a hyphen between the Martin and the Lawrence.

Fair enough. Unconventional, but I like him. He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I was listening to a few old podcasts and I happened upon Frank describing a meat pie sandwich which sounded heavenly to me. Very nice. Has anyone else found that food products

can be improved in odd ways? I'm a big fan of microwaving a pork pie until it sweats, which is not to everybody's taste, but it's an experience not to be missed as it can then be eaten with a spoon. Yours faithfully, PML. Does he work with the CIA torturing unit? I mean, they're clammy.

What do you say? They're clammy at the best of times, aren't they, pork pies? Oh, yeah. But I've never tried that. I'm going to have to give that a go now. You can eat it with a spoon. Does that mean that the outer casing hardens to such an extent? Well, presumably, yeah.

You see, what I don't want it to become is one of the pies, what I call a china pie, which I hate most of all, is those pies that you get in pubs and there's no lower crust. It's a bowl. It's basically a bowl of stew with a pastry lid on it. It's like a sort of toupee pie. I don't like those. I hate those pies. Toupee pie.

With a pie, I want a slice and stuff. With those, you can only have a scoop at best. Couldn't agree more, Frank. If he's thinking of a pork pie, they are meant to be served cold, I'm sure. No, no, but, you know, they're meant to be. Oh, yeah, that's what he's saying. You have to balk the trend.

Yeah, I'm just worried about the long-term health effects on eating warmed pork pie. It's just... I know what you mean. Yes, there's a danger element. We should say to any of our listeners, make sure it's properly microwaved. And if there's any old people sitting in a home now

who's thinking that chicken must be ready, it's been on for 25 minutes, can I urge you to be more patient? I'm going to try it now. I'm definitely going to work away from pork pie. Oh, I will definitely try it. There are very few... Yeah, I'm not.

There are very few descriptions of food that would make me go, ugh, and this is one of them, so therefore I think it must be an acquired taste. I'll have a go at that. Yeah, but I wouldn't do a trellis top, if that's what you're thinking. No.

No. Because they're going to let the heat out, and I don't think they'll ever fully melt. I'm assuming he means like a Melton Mowbray pork pie. Well, I'm assuming... They do a trellis, don't they? It's a slightly raised dome, isn't it? Oh, is that a trellis?

I'm thinking about the ones where you get strips of pastry and there's gaps where you can see the pork through. Yeah, it's as if there's like a... If you can imagine a pig's bottom pressed against a trellis work in a small ornate garden. And you're thinking, I wouldn't mind a bit of that. That's what they go for. You get that more, the lattice, at the Ginster's end of the market, I find.

Oh, do you? Move up a few divisions. A few notches, and then you get the sweats. What must happen, though, if you think about it, is the jelly must melt. It must become liquid. Yeah. So the pork must be, like, bouncing around.

Oh, yeah. Must be floating. It's like one of those chambers that people lie in to relax. A flotation tank. Yeah, it's like a fl flirtation tank for a pork tablet. I like the way you say it, because you make it sound like a flirtation tank. And I'd like to go in one of those. Well, I think when that man put the flour down the torret in Tiananmen Square,

wasn't that an element of a flirtation tank? Certainly tank flirtation. Yeah, whether it worked, I don't know. No, I'm definitely... And when pie isn't warmed up, like a Melton Mowbray style pork pie, would you serve it with cheese? Is that a Yorkshire thing?

Oh, never, never. They eat a pork pie with cheese. No, you know what it is? I think it's a Britain's Fattest Man thing. Is it? Yes. It's BFM. I'm not familiar with that. The West Riding of Yorkshire has been on board fairly early, because when we moved there, I remember that's one of the things that I noticed. Cheese and pork pie.

Yeah, cheese and pork pie, yeah. Oh, man, I love a pork pie. It's the best thing ever. It's good. And can I just say, if there's any pork pie manufacturers listening, I'm not trying to get free pork pies. You can stick them. I'll buy my own.

But I don't like people who beg on the right... I mean, for a par example, and I'm not a man to criticise Dizzy Rascal, but he did an interview where he talked about this, you know, the legendary Nando's black card. Oh, I want one of those, Frank. Well, do you? I love a Nando's. In case you don't know the Nando's black card. Oh, I want one of those, Frank. Well, do you? I don't know if

you don't know the Nando's black card. You get Nando's for life with it. You can go into Nando's any time. I know a lot of celebrities have got one. Yeah, it's a big thing for celebrities. I'd never had Nando's and I had my first Nando's this week. How was it?

Well, let me put it this way. If anyone's thinking of sending me a Nando's black card, you're all right. No, Frank, the peri... Put it back in your pocket. Don't you like the peri-peri chicken? If they sent me a Nando's black card, I'd end up just getting the ice off my windscreen with it.

Do you know what I mean? My problem with the Nando's is that it's restaurant prices for what is takeaway food. It's not... No, I think you're missing the whole point. The peri-peri, you can't get that anywhere else. You can? Yes, I know.

I've got hot sauce. Don't make me boast about how I've got hot sauce. Not cooked in a special way. Does it come in various sizes? Oh, do you know what, Frank? What I'm asking is, do peri-peri go large? Now, my reasons are less complicated. I didn't like it.

I understand. The food? Yeah. The food's all right, isn't it? It's just a bit of chicken, isn't it? Chicken burgers and stuff like that? Didn't like it. Didn't like it.

Sticky black card. I don't want it. Just send me one. I'll just leave it on the pavement. I'll find it. Yeah, but will you pick it up with all that dog mess on it? That's the question. Anyway, that's cleared that up.

Not the dog mess, that's still there, apparently. That's the loitering. We've had another email during the week. I must say, we're getting very, very popular this week. This was from Robin Column. I think it's Column. Robin Column. Yeah.

OK. And this was about the English-speaking forest boy, Ray. Oh, yes. You may have seen him in the news. Yeah, I wasn't... I was a little unsure about this story, because I was thinking about... Do you remember the mad piano player who was found on a beach?

Yes, Piano Man. Turned out to be a hoax, didn't he? Did it really? Yeah, he'd just been sacked from his job or something. I didn't know that. And he went and hung around on the beach and pretended he was a merman or something of that nature. And so I was dubious. But it sounds like Forest Boy Ray.

Well, Robin, although Ray, a bit of a strange 70s Mancunian name. It is a weird... For a Berlin forest boy. A 17-year-old boy called Ray. He's in there with his mates, Ernest and Edith. Do you want to hear what Robin has to say? He says, I hope you've heard the news out of Germany about an English wild boy. On many levels, it is a very sad story.

But on one level, it is completely fabulous. He sounds rather like me. Is it life often like that? Yes. Because it shares so many elements of the tale of Peter the Wild who you're familiar with, Frank. I think some of you will know he's a friend of the show. He's a wild boy.

What was he called? He was Feral. Yes. And he was at the court of... Wild Feral, they called him. Will Feral was named after him. Yeah. Yeah, he was a feral boy. He was kept by, I think, George I as a sort of a pet.

On a leash. Times have changed. Sometimes on a leash. Yeah, sometimes on a lulu. He had wild, unruly hair and, is it epicanthic folds? Epicanthic folds. Yeah, he on a lulu. He had wild unruly hair and, is it epicantic folds? Epicantic folds. Yeah, he had those. So, anyway.

Not Forest Boy Ray. No, this is Peter the Wild. That's your Peter the Wild reminder. Yeah, exactly. Forest Boy Ray does sound like a jazz musician. It does, yeah. So, Robin says, mysterious origins check, German forests check. Oh, it's a German forest, Peter the Wild as well.

British connection check. Of course I hope that this young man can be reunited with family and live a normal, happy life, but if not, perhaps the royal family would be willing to take him in. Well, that would be great if they did that. For old time's sake. That would be, I mean, I just can't picture that though, can you? Maybe Kate Middleton would put in a word for him.

Pippa. Yeah, she's probably... Yeah, if they have kids, it'd be like having your own Sylvanian family man knocking about. As you say, it's a slightly sad story because... That's if it's true, but he's claiming that he was living in the forest with his dad for most of the time and then his dad recently passed away and this slightly spoils the story because i always like them to be raised by different species i don't like it when they

take their own pen for me he's just about the dad god rest his soul is a is a spanner in the works in this story what you want is looking for a parent who had a family of squirrels befriending, and then he becomes Squirrel Boy, and then you've got a real story. Not someone... I mean, what the hell, basically, is itinerants, which is not such a big deal. But if he was Squirrel Boy...

If they said that he climbed a tree, they saw him climbing a tree and he didn't go straight up, he spiralled, as only a squirrel does then then i'd say this this this is the boy for me i'd be very if they said he got uh the hair in the small of his back was starting to become lustrous and upturned well actually be the man frank they've they've issued a computer generated image of him and i'd like to stay is he older than not no but he's got what appear to be highlights, and I'm a bit suspicious. He's got highlights, having lived in the forest?

Well, unless there's some foxy barber. What happens? Such of a Justin Bieber-style mop top kind of thing going on as well. I think what's happened with him is, before he went into the forest, they applied sun in. Yeah. And because the sun obviously breaks through, irregularly through the

branches, it's only bleached him in parts. That's what's happening. But it's all, I mean, it's a £140 Nicky Clark do he's sporting there. I'm suspicious. Unless, I did hear that Nicky Clark had moved into woodland on a regular basis.

Perhaps he has a sort of a hobby house type salon. He's got the squirrel hair. Squirrel, yeah. I a sort of a hobby house type salon. He's got the squirrel hair. Squirrel, yeah. I believe that's a shade that he uses. There's part of it that's slightly... I could imagine myself living in the woods. Could you? I could imagine myself going missing.

Could you really? Yeah, yeah. There's something alluring about being a missing person, I think. Do you? Yeah. Yeah, I just think it seems like fun. Oh, I'd love to be on a milk cart. Would you? Yeah, yeah.

Would you? I've been on a crisp packet. I mean, I feel like I'd have the set. Small steps, innit? I just think... Small steps for Squirrel Boy. Yeah. Do you think they could have a new Ant and Dick themed one

called Red or Grey? A series of squirrel boys gathered from around the world and you have to guess which species they've settled into. There'd be ginger-haired ones and then there'd be the older squirrel boys. Losing their pallor. But it's not as fun a story as that, because just being with your dad in the forest,

I mean, it's a poor man's Hansel and Gretel. And also, during his teenage years, he probably wanted to go off and forage in the bushes for mucky magazines. Perhaps that's why they were there, in the forest. Well, maybe. For research purposes, I'd like to speak to him about the defecation habits of bears. He'd know.

And whether or not when a tree falls, he heard it. Yeah. Well, the trouble is, he'd always be there, so that experiment would go out the window. I think I could live in a forest. I can see you in a forest. Yeah, so I'd need some modern, I wouldn't mind. I think you'd need literature

if you like a book I'd like my iPhone if this was forest discs if I had to live in a forest of my own the thing is I'd want a mushroom app and a berry app so that I knew what I was eating

you'd befriend the wildlife the flora and fauna I think you'd get on very well with them well I love a tree, a tree is my favourite thing I've always said if no one had ever seen a tree, ever there were no trees on the planet and somebody created a tree it'd have been an art gallery

as a major exhibition of something beautiful and wondrous because they're all over the place, we take them for granted. Squirrel Boy wouldn't even look twice at one. You know what I mean? I imagine he sleeps elongated against a bow. Do you think? You'd sleep above ground, I think.

Squirrel Boy. Is he now officially Squirrel Boy? I'm thinking... That's it? If it is a ruse, I think he's made a mistake with the um the dad thing and the highlights i thought i mean i don't want to get too macabre but um the the father died and he said he buried him in a shallow grave and then he left the forest didn't he it's obviously very sad but isn't it illegal to do that yeah i'm sure the producer

shook her head at that stage quite emphatically. It's not illegal. Suggesting she might have some prior experience of this. Do you have form? She's from the north of England. I think they're put under apple trees to improve the flavour of the fruit. Life is cheap.

Yeah, but, no, I'm sure... So, if he... I think he's in trouble already. Oh, God. Yeah, I'm not sure that... After five years of living with his dad in the forest, perhaps he wasn't thinking about the law. Perhaps he thought, I'll just bury him and go back into the town. Yeah, but having been there for five years,

he could have spent an extra couple of hours and done a deep one. They always go shallow, these people. A bit like me. He had stuff to do. It's the Peter Stringfellow approach to Gravesiggy. Yeah. I like the fact that it said in the paper that he wants to go back into the forest,

but then another newspaper article said he enjoys bowling. Bowling? Bowling. He's been going ten-pin bowling. How big are the rabbits in that forest? He goes... How long has he been out of the forest? I don't know, a week or something.

Oh, he's behaving like a lottery winner. It's embarrassing. Yeah, exactly. That's the trouble. Once he's got used to the sunlight, it's gone completely to his head, hasn't it? Bit of a shame, really, because if him and his dad had gone camping,

rather than take the tent, they'd taken £3,000. They could have had the Hobbit house in Wales, couldn't they? Then everybody would have been happy. I don't know if I'd trust the squirrel boy in there. You know what I mean? Where's the bark gone off the leg of this sofa? Him looking a bit sheepish in the corner. Well, if he looked sheepish, of course, that would confuse things even more.

He's working his way through the animal kingdom, right? You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.