The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 29May - Guest: Jane Turner

Episode Date: May 29, 2010

This week the team discussed idiotic eureka moments, model villages and the Sex and the City 2 Premiere.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, sorry about that, but, um... Oh, I'm not going to give you an excuse.

It's all going so well, wasn't it? I thought my opening link had energy, it had verve, it had concision, and then I just... The way it was counting, it was counting the wrong way, I didn't know... It was too quick. You caught me unaware as I was eating Haribo.

It's what happens if you play a two-minute song. That song is two minutes long. It's very short. Yeah, but I like that. That's a challenge, I think, to the producer to get everything ready in one minute 55. Anyway, I can only apologise. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily and with Gareth. I feel stiff with stress already. Oh, stiff with stress. So do I. That's the morning! Oh, that's... I know I feel we've started. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Even then, I nearly press Wednesday morning. The one that we use for our special one-off midweek podcast. It's going very well, if you don't mind me saying. Yeah, so welcome to the show. And I've been, I've actually, I've had a week of rest. Oh, have you? More or less. Oh, because your TV show's not on anymore.

I don't mean it's been cancelled. Oh, well, you know, just bring that on. Yeah, so I went to Gloucestershire. I went out and about. And I went to a place called Borton-on-the-Water. Have you ever heard of it? No. Oh, well.

I like that you don't bother to ask me. No. I don't know, Gloucestershire. I can imagine you don't bother to ask me. No. I don't know Gloucestershire. I can imagine you've got a friend that's got, perhaps... Doesn't Kate Winslet have a house there? Oh, yeah, yeah. They've got some nice houses there. I imagine you'd know Kate Winslet.

Do you know Kate Winslet? No, I don't. I've heard she's a bit actressy. Anyway. You know why, don't you? So, I went to a place called Birdland. Oh. Oh.

Which, can you guess what Birdland is? It's not like some Hugh Hefner type place, is it? No, no, no, no. It's a sort of big aviary. Oh. But with lots of exotic birds in it. I thought there was an argument it should be called Bird Air. Because that's really their element.

Oh, that's true. Very few of them were on the land when I was there. Are they not? So are they quite big cages because... Oh, they're big cages. Are they flying? They're flying. You could get, I mean, you could get two or three big cats in there.

And instead there's just like, you know... Well, that would liven up Bird World. That would get the party started. I don't see why they couldn't just have one cage for the tiger just very frustrated what gets me about bird obviously you have to qualify for birdland by being an exotic bird of some kind but all the local birds have come in and they're just knocking around yeah they're just knocking around so there's like a multi-coloured macaw with like a sparrow on the same perch. You think, oh, come on lads. I bet they

really resent the immigrants. People coming in, taking their air. Yeah, well I think it's like the velvet rope has come down. You know what I'm saying? They need a stricter door policy. Yeah, you can't have sparrows in the macaw cage. I saw one cage and this is absolutely true.

All I did, it was two pigeons. And I thought, well, they look like the pigeons, you see. And then I realised there was no top on this cage. They'd just come in and taken it for their own. And they were sitting in there like they were an exhibit. There's no top on the cage? No top on the cage. Well, it's not a cage then, is it, for birds?

Not really. They haven't thought that through. No. Also, if you're paying good money to go to birdland one pound twenty or whatever it is six pounds six pounds on your girlfriend six pounds fifty you was robbed mate six pounds fifty for a few i hate birds they're very they peck and they've got horrible personalities i just i've never met a bird i like oh there was a lovely there was a lovely big uh

big talking parrot thing oh was there yeah that was now that did strike me that could a parrot one thing i've never heard of a parrot being used for is a translator but that could explain what the other birds are saying as it speaks in as it's bilingual and it's that I've never heard it used in that way. I mentioned this. Yeah. And someone said to me that that's me assuming that parrots have some sort of... They understand English, whereas they don't understand it. Apparently, they just learn it parrot fashion.

Oh. Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?'t it but i love that idea also there was a thing there and it was called something like the iridius erodeus you know they get the the the latin and honestly i i was so amused by this name i said iridius erodeus and at that moment it came right to the bars and i thought does this thing answer to its Latin name? I know what that is, Frank, because you always have run-ins with that. Remember the run-in with the gorilla? They always bond with you animals.

There's a chimpanzee. Oh, I'm sorry. The gorilla I found slightly standoffish. Well, not so much stand, a squat. Squat-offish he was. Yeah, I saw the famous... Do you remember the famous guy, the gorilla? Oh, yeah.

Didn't he die in 1952 or something? I killed him. That was the run-in. I referred to. There's a certain level of surliness that I won't take. Yeah. I gobbed on him a few times. He was a silverback, so no-one noticed.

I was gobbling on him for two two months every time he turned but uh in the end you say gob it's so 70s birmingham you never hear that outside of those confines in the end i split his head like gordon ramsay splitting a cabbage i won't take that even from a gorilla you should have saw the snowy owls one One of them was completely cross-eyed. Completely cross-eyed. I mean, in an unbelievable... Look, I looked over my shoulder and it looked at me to see what it was looking at. And there was a sense they were very close together

as if they were up to something. What, the snowy owls? I felt they were saying, look, as soon as it snows, we're out of here. Well, they were probably in cahoots. Oh, Gareth, fine word. Does that quite work? Yeah.

It does. Owl's hoot. They twit to woo, don't they? They were together like they were, you know, arranging something. They were in cahoots. That sort of works, doesn't it? I'm not happy with it. Can we workshop it during this thing?

By the way, if you want to text us on 81215, that would be absolutely brilliant, because otherwise we feel like we're talking to ourselves. Not that I mind that, generally speaking, but I'd love to hear from our fabulous guests. Any bird sanctuary stories? Like what we've just heard? There aren't enough bird sanctuary anecdotes on this station. I've said that once, I've said it a thousand times.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio so guy the gorilla died in 1978 yes all right that's on this program that qualifies as a newsflash but yes when i said i saw him could i have seen him in 1952 that was your suggestion no one's taking away i was the last person to see him, can I just say that? Well, that's what we've heard. Hey, listen, we've had a text in Frank on 8.12.15 saying, I've been to Birdland at...

Is it Borton or Burton on the Water? Borton. Borton on the Water. Did you see those giant fish? I did see the giant fish, yeah. But I'll tell you what's disappointing about the giant fish, they're black and they're in, like, a like a lake obviously well it's not gonna be in a cage yeah so you can hardly you want you want the brightly colored the koi you want the koi ideally

these were just like vague shadows moving about well i think i think in bird land fish are a bonus of any well that's that's that is true i mean why they were in bird land but But let's face it, you're not going to get people into fish land. SeaWorld. I hate fish almost as much as I hate birds. What do you like in the animal kingdom? I like a panther. Do you? But that's another story.

Yeah. So where else have you been this week? What else have you done with your time? Well, while I was bought in... I suspect this had bought in the water special. Yeah. I went to my first ever model village. Did you? Oh, no, that's something I do like, a model village.

Oh, you do like a model village? Yes, there's one in Cornwall I'm a fan of. I prefer a glamour model village. OK, they're a bit common, but, you know, they're curvy, and I like that. Now, I went to the model village. It was... I'd never... I sort of knew what it was, but I imagined it would be made out of some sort of very reinforced card. But it was made from Cotswold stone, would you believe that?

Oh, wow. And the churches in the model village, you know, it's a scale model. It's 1 19th, apparently, of the size of the real village. Oh, OK. And it was very handy because we hadn't got any food in, me and Kath, my girlfriend. So I said, well, look, there's a spa over there. So we were able to spot it in the model village

and then work out where it was. It's very handy. It's like a very old-fashioned sat-nav. So it was a model of the actual village? Yes. That's what a model village is. That is not the case. Sometimes you have model villages that are just imaginary places.

You do. How do you know? When did you do your degree in model villagery? I've been to model villages. And they had a model Eiffel Tower. They had a model all sorts of landmarks. Was that in Paris that you went to that one? No, it wasn't.

They don't always act as maps to the place you're in. Well, I've only been to one. I've just said I've never been to one before and suddenly I'm being picked apart for my model village lack of knowledge. Did the model village have a model village in? Well, it's funny you should say that unless, face, we've been waiting for me to use that phrase.

It did have exactly that. in the corner of the model village was the model village model village and did that model village have a model village you know it may have but i i couldn't see i you know if it did have it was tiny so you took your girlfriend on your week off to the model village in the bird sanctuary oh that was me done then i felt cat. I thought my job here is done. What more do you want? Yeah, it was, I like, they had churches in the Model Village, obviously because the church is in the real village. Yeah.

And they had the sound of a choir singing emanating from each of the churches. That's quite nice. So it was an oral experience as well as visual. Did they have doll's house food? Did you know that's my favourite as visual did they have doll's house food because you know that's my favorite they didn't have dolls not that i saw any no i used to have my cigarettes in the doll's house when i was younger that's a lovely sweet story childhood isn't it cigarettes in the doll's house a novel by beto benedict so jane turner is our guest today oh yeah k Kath and Kim. Yeah, she's Kath of Kath and Kim.

Oh, yeah, let's get that right. Yeah, she's the mum. She's the mum, even though she's only six months older than the other actress. Can you believe that? That's what's happened to the modern world. I mean, 12-year-old, you know, that used to be a big story. Nowadays, they're basically coming out at the same time, mothers and daughters. They're coming out arm in arm from the womb.

Adverts, is that who we're playing? I used to like that band. Do you remember the adverts? No. No. Honestly, you don't remember Guy the Guerrilla, or at least when he died? I'm still being questioned about that. They found one single shoe print

By the cage They'll never get me Absolute Radio Do we buy any cars? Do we buy any cars? We don't by the way I was just singing that song I don't want people turning up here

With an old Vauxhall Viva Thinking I'm going to take it off their hands No sirree I'm open to offers. Ali in Tottenham, Frank, has sent in a text. Morning all, I went to that model village. Fabulous. That's someone who went to Birdland and

someone who went to the model village. What a small world we live in. And? Like it? Well, Ali says it was on a first date with a man who had an ambition to photograph every model village in england brilliant she says well no because she says there wasn't a second date well the trouble is with that you're going to cover a lot of ground the second we're all close together if let's just um i know

you can't see this at home i'm just gonna i've got a grid here of the model villages of great britain i like you both i looked round as if I had got one. I can't believe you fell for that. You fools. I believe we have some, we've had some emails. We have during the week. Some email heskies. Oh, I like email heskies.

This is a great one I really like from Gary Davenport. Can I say never start anything like that? Oh, but I like Gary Davenport. But now you've set up a stand of it having to be a great one I really like from Gary Davenport. Can I say, never start anything like that. Oh, but I like Gary Davenport. But now you've set up a stand-up. Oh, have I? It's going to be a great one. I mean, imagine. Gary, oh, must be...

He must be quaking in his boots. He must be nervous. OK. Well, let's... The jury's out. I purchase any vehicles! I purchase any vehicles! They're broadening out now.

You see, it used to be cars. Now they'll take a bicycle off your hands. That would be a very scary ad. I wouldn't like that. I'll purchase any vehicles. Horrible old Victorian man, it sounds like. Rag and bone man. So, Gary Davenport says,

Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, I had what I call an idiotic eureka moment a few days ago. I'm going to write that down. Idiotic eureka. Didn't she used to be on Shooting Stars? Oh. Idiotic. Still is.

OK, everyone got that? Idiotic Eureka? Yes, Idiotic Eureka moment. So he says, a competition appeared on TV recently with the question, what type of dancing did Stavros Flatley parody? I had the said Eureka moment

when I suddenly realised that Flatley must be a reference to Michael Flatley, the legendary Irish dancer. So I realised it was Irish. I explained my euphoria to my fiancée, Michelle, and she looked at me and said, you've only just got that, you idiot. So that was his idiotic eureka moment because it happened much later on in time. I know exactly what, the same thing happened to me with... Do you remember the British Telecom adverts

with Maureen Lippman? Oh, yeah, BT, her name was. Her name was BT? Yeah. Do you know, it took me a year and a half to work out that it was a pun on BT. I never realised that. You didn't realise?

You've only just got it, yeah. Oh, my God, you idiot. I just think, you lucky listeners, you were here at the moment when Gareth got the BT pun. And I had to tell him. I remember the day that the clunk of a penny dropped. And I thought, oh, that's... I get it.

And you do. I did exactly what he did. I told someone as if they hadn't got it yet. And they just looked at me as if I was some sort of fool. I did that in a restaurant recently. All my anecdotes involve a restaurant in some way. And it was quite a posh restaurant. And you know when they give you that lemon

and it has a little muslin pouch over it, a little muslin bag over the lemon? I have no idea what you're talking about, no. Yeah, you do. Frank, have you had it? Yeah, I think that's to stop pips going into it. Yeah, but I only realised that about a week ago. I didn't know that.

What did you think it was for? I thought it was like, I thought it was decorative to make it look nice. Well, it does look nice. I think muslin has got a lovely softness about it. Muslim. So, Gary has had another example of this, which I quite like. Oh, Gary's on an absolute roll. Yeah.

He said, my fiancée had her own one recently. We'd bought a new sun hat for our daughter Gemma, which bore an uncanny resemblance to a nun's habit. She asked me, what's a nun's habit? To which I replied, it's the name of the headgear worn by nuns. After about a 30 second pause, she said, oh, now I get it. Sister Act 2, back in the habit. Ever since the film came out, she thought the Whoopi Goldberg was simply back in the habit of being a nun. film came out she thought the whoopee goldberg was simply back in the habit of being a nun well you can never know where the holes are going to be in someone else's knowledge poor poor lad i think people could phone in on that if anyone else has had what does he call it idiotic eureka moments so we're calling it an iem oh i like it it's very hot in here by the way oh i'll

turn it down oh dear i dear. I'm proper... Honestly, you could stick... I could probably stick paper to me, look, with that. I've become... I've turned everything around me into a post-it. I'm so clammy. I've got a fine film on me of slime. Anyway, you don't know.

So do text us on 8-12-15 for your idiotic eureka moments. Does this want to be a good one or a bad one i can never decide you just never know for some weeks we ask the question i have great anticipation we get nothing and then some weeks i'll mention my girlfriend's um rubber circle thing she puts around her hair we get 5 000 texts saying what they're called yeah anyway i've got an email as well have we got time for that no we're gonna have some music i mean we have certain obligations this is a music station i can't just sit here listening to you read out emails all day i mean it's a job i know we love it but you know we have responsibilities though you'll be go go

you know you were talking about the bt advert and now it's taking you all this time to realize that it was a pun on bt her name, BT. We've had about three emails in from people, including Rob from Ilford, who says, I'm 40 years old and I've only just now got the BT from BT bit myself. Have I enlightened the nation? Yeah. And we've also

had John from Telford who said about eight years ago I got the Sooty and Sweep connection. I was 35 years old. I don't think i've actually consciously thought about sooty and sweep yeah of course i still don't get it i don't even know if they're still working but we've got at least we've worked out their names now um i've got an email um from will sutton and um he says dear frank emily and gareth an anecdote on a recent theme if i may celebrity shopping not long before he resigned sir ian

blair a former frequent correspondent with the show, I recall... We should point out that we have someone called Ian Blair who sometimes texts in who's not the same as the former police commissioner. No. Who I presume he's talking about. Well, we don't know, do we? Then it's not him. Well, I don't know, but he resigned under some controversy. Anyway.

Yes. Ian Blair appeared behind me alone and looking pale at the Sainsbury's checkout. He was buying a large family-sized cottage pie and two bottles of red wine. Oh, has he come to this? I've always liked to think that this was his nightly diet of comfort food during difficult times

and one that could help steer even the most troubled soul through choppy waters. I think he was going to a George Michael theme party. Hosted by Richard Madeley. Oh, I just got it! Oh, well, honestly, there's pennies dropping all over the studio today. Well, every time it rains, it rains. Pennies from heaven.

We've only cars! We've only cars! Will also says... What do you mean, cars? Oh, OK, sorry. Will also says, I was once in a shop buying aftershave next to Robert McGarvey. What? Bergdorf Goodman.

Do you know that shop, Emily? Bergdorf's? Yeah. What kind of shop is that? It's a fabulous shop. It's in New York. It's a very posh shop. It's like something like Harrods or something in New York. I was a great traveler Bob McGarvey you know you never seen anywhere other than Zimbabwe dear is it Zimbabwe that's him isn't it yes yeah got a moment of terror then he doesn't take kindly to people getting moments of terror that good at moments of terror. That's his speciality.

What was he buying? He was buying some aftershave. You see, that's because he has that tiny, tiny moustache, that tiny, thin moustache that he has to

constantly keep. Because it's, obviously, it's keen to broaden. But he's got a very tiny, well, it's almost like two. What he's done,

he's emphasised, you know that thing under your nose, that indentation, looks like a U. Oh, what's it called? I know what it's done he's emphasized you know that thing under your nose that indentation looks like a u oh what's it called i know what it's called someone will text in and tell us how i know that what philtrum the philtrum oh that sounds rude i'm worried are you sure that's okay frank well let's let's risk it for a moment okay so what he's done is he's enhanced his own philtrum with hair.

Yeah, no, I'm worried now that it doesn't mean that. I feel I might have been led into something crude. I can't believe we're talking about Robert Mugabe's philtrum. Robert Mugabe's philtrum? What a great name for a band. Write that down. Absolute. Radio. Well, we've got lots of idiotic Eureka moments.

IEMs, we're calling them. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love their music. The listeners have decided. My sister Julia, she was about 20, once asked me a question. Can I ask you a question? She said, yes, I replied. You know the two Ronnies?

Yes, I said. I can't work it out. It's Ronnie Corbett, right? The little one with glasses. Yep, I replied. And Bobby Barker. Why are they called the two Ronnies? Bobby Barker!

That's an essential piece of information she's got wrong there. She was never going to work that out with the information she was operating on. Exactly. We've had another Eureka moment from Donna who says, about six months ago i realized that the no return for two hours sign when you know when you park your car meant that

you couldn't come back and park i thought it meant you could park and not return to your car for two hours i would spend ages looking for the least strict signs that would let me come back a bit quicker oh no what's her name? Donna. Oh, Donna. Milling round the shops, trying to kill an hour and a half. I'm not allowed to go back to my car. I love the idea of a traffic warden going, excuse me, you've only been gone an hour and 20 minutes.

Yeah. Oi, come on, clear off. By parking here, you promised to be there for two hours. Oh, that is poor Donna. Keith in Worcester Park says it took me years and years to get Sandy Shaw. I thought it was just her name. Well, it is her name but it's not her real name. It's a kind of a pun, yeah, Sandy Shaw. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I only realised very recently Jasper Carrot probably wasn't his real name. Yes. But it's less of a pun, isn't it? Jasper Carrot. No, but it is quite a silly name. And what was your... So that's how I found him this morning, quite silly names.

Gareth, you had a Malteser one, didn't you? Yeah. Good morning to you all. I had an IEM after years of crunching Maltesers. One day I sucked one and the chocolate melted and my taste buds were teased by the malt. Eureka! I realised why they're called Maltesers

at Simon in Liverpool. Yeah, the malts. It's never struck me there was malt in Maltesers, I must say. No, no. So, cornflakes, you're not telling me that they... Hmm, I must look up the ingredients. Can I just read out one more text because it's a bit of a retro one, going

back to an earlier subject, which was, feels like years ago now, but it was model villages oh yeah and oz in oxfordshire says dear frank for the ultimate model village experience wear a king kong or godzilla costume which i think is genius that would have been a great photo opportunity oh funny holding a little plane i was reading um the daily mirror this morning and there's a fabulous headline that I like. This is from a woman who was a kind of Churchill's secretary type person. And the headline is, Churchill had a...

She's a red-headed woman. Churchill had a great sense of humour. He used to call me Copper Knob. Does that constitute a great sense of humour? Also, it's a very retro kiss and tell, that, isn't it? It's going back a bit, really. I could have been a big comic in the 1940s if this was the standard I was competing in.

When you watch old comedy films, they're not very funny sometimes. Well, that is true. No, W.C. Fields is good. Frank's turned me on to him. Oh, yeah, he's good. I used to call C-3PO Cop a knob. And do you know, he didn't warm to it.

So yeah, that's something I like. Obviously it's a term for a redhead person. But I'm liking the idea of Churchill sort of... We'll come back to World War II, because Gareth was talking about World War II earlier, and I thought he had rather a fabulous idea, which was... What was it, Gareth? Well, I thought, what was it, Gareth?

Well, I thought, what was your favourite bit of World War II? Which bit would you have most liked to have been part of? Can I just condense it as well for me? So I call it fave WWII moments. I like the idea of bits you'd like to have been involved in. A lot of bits I'm glad to have missed out, but no. Let's have a look. Look, this next track is live from the Isle of Wight 2008.

We're playing it because it's kind of, you know, Isle of Wight. Well, it's not Isle of Wight weekend, because it's not till 11th of June, I don't think. But we're kind of, you know, we're talking about it. I don't know why. Do we sponsor it here? We cover it, yeah. We cover it.

Oh, she's getting loud, isn't she? She liked that bit. Saturday morning! So here's my theory. If I'd been at one of the Nuremberg rallies, right, with all the Nazis, as we used to call them. The first question about what would you do in World War II is which side?

You don't have to be in a side. I'm figuring I think it's fairly obvious which side. Well, no, but I'd be amongst them. I'm figuring... I hope it's fairly obvious which size. Well, no, but I'd be amongst them. I'm happy to wear the outfit. But when I raised my hand in Idaho... You know those little red laser dots? And I reckon if you'd have got one of them on Hitler on stage at the Nuremberg rallies, his popularity would have waned.

So I bet you I've seen some quite big stars and once they've got the red laser on them they look ridiculous. That would have been good. Or you could have held up one of those big gladiators sponge thumbs that they have. Yeah.

You know what? That would have been they should have all had them. You know what I've just realised? What? You know because people say well why didn't anyone question the Nazis?

It was because whenever they put their hand up people thought they were just saluting when they had a question. Oh well. Put their hand up to thought they were just saluting when they had a question put their hand up to ask a question of course that's another idiotic eureka moment

that's why they put their hands up I'd like to have been there when he shot the dog as well you know he shot in the bunker? what was the dog called? Blondie I think that's

right isn't it perfect really yeah it was wasn't that blue peter no no that was goldie oh yeah i know that was shep john lokes cried yeah i remember so he just said you know come here blondie and it would have come out what i've always imagined is when hitler held the revolver why did he shoot the dog? Because he didn't want it to live on afterwards. He didn't want it to talk. Exactly. You don't want any witnesses after a thing like that.

If they'd have got a parrot in there, the whole thing could have been translated and everyone would have known. I imagine that when he held the pistol out, that the dog came over and licked the end of the pistol. You know what I mean? Not knowing. And I don't think you'd be able to shoot it while it was doing that. No.

No, I think in the end, Ava Braun would have had to have put a knee on its chest. And he'd have taken it from just behind the right ear. Oh, I'm loving Fave Walbert too much. Yeah, I don't know if it's a real runner, to be honest, Fave. Also, I think we'd all like to have liberated Paris. Oh, yeah. Imagine the twang of stocking tops as the tank went through the streets. The horny whores.

I'll tell you what I would like. Was the donkeys there? The Heroes of Telemark. That's my favourite. Do you ever see that film on at Christmas? Telemarketing? No, it's all about those Norwegian. They sabotaged.

They stopped the Nazis. They were trying to create a nuclear bomb, and they stopped them. Who makes the Nazis? OK, we've got this news coming up and stuff like that. We've got Jane Turner, by the way, after the news. I want to say from Captain Kim. Obviously, she's doing other stuff. But, you know, just to help you.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in which I'd like to respond to. Can I say that Jane Turner will be with us soon? Oh, fabulous. You've had a text? Yeah, we've had a text in that I'd like to respond to, and it's from someone called Steve Cross,

and he says, has Miss Heiter... Does he actually call you Heiter? Heiter, doesn't he? Yeah, he says, has she ever been to Birmingham? And I would just like to say, Steve, I'm assuming you come from Birmingham, and I'd like to take this opportunity to say I actually love Birmingham,

and I had one of my best weekends ever up there with Frank when he got a star. No details. That's all that happened. Yes, if anything, as a regular listener to the show, we'd know that we did the show live from Birmingham. Birmingham is one of my favourite places. He's Johnny Conn lately's turn-up, having a go at the staff.

And I won't have a word said against it, unless I say it. Anyway, thanks for joining in, Steve. It might not be a loaded question. Not exactly, yeah. You might just be enquiring. I like to think you might even be a friend of the show, FOS. He might be a stalker who's just lost track. That could happen.

So, you know, you went to the model village this week. Yes. And the bird sanctuary. And I think you went to Peckham, Gareth. I went to the Sex and the City premiere. Oh. Okay. Sort of a model village of sorts as well.

Very good. Yes. Good. I like it. And a bit of a bird sanctuary. Yeah. That's right. Very good.

Yeah. A bit of an old bird sanctuary, one could say. Fine. Well, I have to say, I didn't have that good a time. Oh. I described it a bit like a hen night in Hades, was how I felt it was. Oh, dear.

I've been to that nightclub. Hen night in Hades ought to be a sort of a meatloaf. Hen night in Hades! It will be. Itloaf. It will be. It will be. It will be now. He'll be listening. Meat. I'll just Google it.

It's keyboard. I find it I find it clunky in the extreme. That's the iPad for you. Yeah, I know. So you didn't like the movie? I didn't like the movie.

But how was the prem? Well, yeah, that's what counts. Well, I know. So you didn't like the movie? I didn't like the movie. But how was the prem? Well, yeah, that's what counts. Well, what was difficult about the prem was that they're all there. Got Kwan was there on the red carpet. Do you know I had a Got Kwan moment this week? Did you? Yeah, yeah. You've just reminded me. Yeah. I woke up the other morning and

I put my spectacles on because I wear contact lenses. I'll admit that. And my hair had gone up into a ridiculous wave. And I just woke and I looked in the mirror and I really looked like Godquan. I mean, I really looked like him. You did? I did. So I thought, I look so much like him, I'm going to take a photo of myself.

So I can show it to people and say, look, this is me, Godquan. And I woke up as Godquan. And so I held the my iphone facing um me me and i realized i caught my i'm ashamed of this i caught myself helping it a bit you know what i mean yeah yeah i know i helped the lightness a bit i found my yeah i know i understand what you mean and i was so ashamed of myself i didn't take the photograph so that moment's gone forever. Anyway, so Got Kwan was at Sex and the City.

What a surprise that he was there. They were all there. Alan Carr and his brother Jimmy Carr. And Got Kwan was also... We should buy any car. Yeah, exactly. I was going to do a better version of that, but quick is always an advantage.

And Alan Carr... not Alan Cole, Gottquam was saying, girlfriend, you look fierce to everyone. No, it's Stacey from the X Factor. She doesn't look fierce, she looks a bit of a hot mess actually. Girlfriend, you look fierce. To everyone. Everyone that walked over to him. Yes. I've said that to a few girlfriends over the years,

I must say. And there was, you know what they had, Frank? At Premier's they have those big, they'd built a massive cascade, a big sort of staircase. So what was awful was, what they had, Frank? At Premier's they have those big, they'd built a massive cascade, a big sort of staircase. So what was awful was, as a civilian, which I am, I've been to Birmingham and I'm a civilian, I walked down and someone famous was in front of me and everyone went, ah!

And then I walked down and I swear to God I heard, oh. Well, I mean, that's what happens if you go to those things. I know. I get it myself. I bet you don't. There was a period of about two years when I used to turn up at the occasional premiere. And the paparazzi didn't flinch. They'd just watch me walking.

Just watch me like a street gang. If you wanted to do something controversial, what could you do controversial to? I suppose I could shoot Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury. But I don't know if you get invited to premieres after that. You killed Guy the Gorilla. They got you loads of press coverage. No, no, no. I kept that under my hat.

Oh, did you? Maybe you want to leak it. But the problem with the premiere, guys, was that there was too much oestrogen. It was just driving me mad. And everywhere you looked, there was hair products. And I got home. That sounds like your spiritual home, if you don't mind me saying. But's not all i like you based yourself on sex in the city that's what irritated me about that film i'm going to be serious now because it seemed to be saying that

you can't have a credit card and read a book it basically seemed to be saying that so it's a bit like people say oh you like football frank therefore you've got nothing else in your life serious point everyone something else a girlfriend has said to me I'm fascinated by Sarah Jessica Parker Because she's taken that long face thing No horse jokes But I kind of like it She's got such a long face I find it, there's something

You wouldn't get tired of that I think you could go out with her for two years And never get to the end of it In your perusal. Do you know what I mean? I imagine the film should have opened... You know how Star Wars opened with that long line of writing? If it slowly panned the length of Sarah Jessica Parker's facts,

that would have been one of the great openings of all time. I like the way she's very jolie-laid, as the French say. She's unattractive, but attractive. I'm liking that. Will you boys be seeing the film? You won't like it. I won't be seeing it. No.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Jane Turner is with us. Good morning, Jane. Good morning. Good morning. That's very croaky. That's okay. It's very early for an actress, isn't it, to be on?

It's very early. Lucky I've just come from the clubs. I've been raging all night. Have you come directly from there? I've been at Shallowland or something. What's it called? Oh, the Shadowland. Yeah. Shallowland. Shallowland.

I've come from Shadowland. That's a sort of sinister sort of metaphor about it. Ooh, come on with the shadow. I've come from Shadowland. Shallowland. I've come from Shadowland as a sort of sinister metaphor about it. I've come from Shadowland. So I slightly did the accent there, forgive me for that. So, Jane, you're over in London for how long? Another six weeks. Have you been to England a lot? Yeah, but I've never had a long stay.

And how is that? I always think this with the actors, what do you do in your days? Because obviously you've got a show every night. You just sort of walk about in a daze. You don't come alive until, it's really true, it's called Doctor Footlights. Of course. You feel sick all day and then as soon as you get to theatre you go, oh, I feel fine.

There's nothing wrong with me. It's really weird. You feel a bit like, you can't really do much during the day. I mean, not that it's that demanding, it's not like it's an opera or something. Well, you play how many parts in this play? I think 12. I should say that it's called Holding the Man and it's at the Trafalgar Studios,

which is just off Trafalgar Square. It is. It's a very good spot. And how many parts again? 12. That sounds relatively demanding to me. It is. Well, they're short and funny, but there's lots of, you know, I've got to go from really serious to really funny

in an instant, which sometimes bleeds into each other. But they're all shades of one another, aren't they? Sorrow and tragedy and comedy. That's a fabulous point. And not often enough made on commercial radio. I always think so. so can you tell us about

holding the man jane because we have listeners who want to come and see it obviously yeah well it's a it's a love story it's a true story of these of two boys who met at school and um became lovers and i actually knew them in school in melbourne and i knew them all the way through their lives and then that must be odd that's weird it's no it's easy it's good because i know the territory and i know i actually play one of my best friends a girl i went to school with god Oh, that must be odd, then. It's weird. No, it's easy. It's good because I know the territory. I actually play one of my best friends, a girl I went to school with. God, that is... She only has about three lines.

I made sure of that. You've got a lot of memory, Jane, am I right? She shouldn't have wore the same dress to that prom. She shouldn't have. Your accent's going a bit Aussie. I like it. She's drawing me in. I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, it's good. Yeah, so is it a comedy or is it... It's a comedy, yeah, absolutely. She's drawing me in, I'm sorry about that. Yeah, it's good. Is it a comedy or is it... It's a comedy, yeah, absolutely. It's really funny. It's really fast moving, so it's never boring. There's lots of wigs and there's, like, a few of us play a lot of different characters. And then it's really poignant and has sort of a lot of pathos and sort of

sadness and so it's all the emotions. Well, I know it's got great reviews because I often walk home down Whitehall, where that is, and it's got great reviews because I often walk home down Whitehall where that is and it's got things like 10 out of 10 outside and all that stuff. Yeah, no it's thrilling, exciting, moved

to tears, you know so hilarious, it's got, it's had fantastic bywords. So you've stood outside reading them? That's very brave of you. No, I wrote them. Now I've done a couple of West End plays and I really wanted to stand outside and look at the reviews and the pictures of me but I felt so guilty about it

you don't want to be photographed oh no I avoid the hate you don't want to be photographed no not reading your own reviews pointing to them as people have you read this? I mean it's really rather good I don't like walking past mean, it's really rather good.

I don't like walking past the theatre. It's so embarrassing. So just to get the business out of the way, if someone wants to go and see, it's at the Trafalgar Studios, Trafalgar Square. What time is it on? 7.30 at night, which is quite unusual. Yeah, because 7.30 in the morning would be nightmarish.

How many would get in? Some people have that store at the Edinburgh Festival, don't they? They can do less faces there. That's true. Yeah, so it's eight shows a week, and it's going really well, and it's a great night in the theatre. And how long have they got to see it? Another six weeks? Five weeks, five weeks, sorry.

OK, we'll talk more after this. Absolute Radio. Jane Turner is with us, and Jane is in the West End at the moment in Holding the Man at Trafalgar Studios. So, Jane, are you doing a matinee today?

Yes, 2 o'clock, 2.30. Come along. I feel bad that we've got you up this early to work. I've got two shows. I have five shows in three days. Now, am I right that when this play started in Australia,

you weren't in the original cast? No, I wasn't. So you were brought in to star it up a bit. I was. Because that happened to me once. I don't know about you. I had universal resentment from the rest of the cast. I had a very difficult time.

I think they're sort of rubbing their hands because I have to go and do publicity. Oh, well, that's true. That is the plot. Not that I mind. Not that I might love it. Yes. No, I found that their mate had been dropped from the park to bring me in. Oh, see, this is all new cast.

Only the two original leads. Oh, OK. That's OK. I mean, I walked into it. It was a nest of vipers, you can imagine, Jane. Look at him. He thinks he's so good yeah yeah so and do you get that thing where the uh understudies are sort of watching you to see

if you're looking ill yeah we have a lot of no they don't watch this but i've never worked with understudies all the time there they have to come to the theater every night yeah i've never experienced it that's sort of amazing i think god what a gig what a shocking gig well it is because they just mill around i used to feel quite guilty because I got friendly with them, but then I'd find myself talking about, you know, I'm on in a minute, and they'd look at me with big sad eyes because they worked. And they'd kick you.

Exactly. So, look, we can't have you on without mentioning Kath and Kim. I suppose you hate talking about it, do you? No, it's all right. Okay. My girlfriend, can I say, is the biggest fan of Kath and Kim. Oh, she's a good... She's obviously got fantastic taste.

We got in last night and she says you're going to have to swat up if you've got Jane on, and she got the box sets out. And it's an incredible... Now, you wrote Kath and Kim. Yeah, Gina and I wrote it. And you also produced it. And produced it, and we're all over it like a rash. Yeah.

How did you get that much power? Being a woman. Being ruthless. No. Being a bitch. Or just being any. It's difficult to walk into a TV company and say, yeah, we've written this and we want to produce it.

Especially with telly and comedy is just male, men, men, men. Yeah. But no, we had good people to work with and they sort of came to us and said, have you got something? Because we'd done some shows before. We'd done produced two different sketch comedies, Big Girls Blows and Something Stupid for Channel 7. And then the ABC were looking for something,

so they came to us and we actually had a little idea and we wrote the pilot and they said, it's rubbish, we don't want it. And we said... Did they really? No, they just said... Well, we had a bit it and we said did they really no they just said um well we had a few we had a bit of a rocky road to start a few sort of meetings where they're saying we just don't want two women yelling at each other we go when have you watched it have you

looked at it it's not just yelling there's a lot of pathos and you know beauty and we do get on sometimes and it's funny and it's funny yeah we did have that we don't just want funny for half an hour that was one comment all right these are comedy shows i'm gonna use that we don't just want and too many jokes too many jokes is like that thing that the bloke says to mozart in amadeus too many notes yeah too many notes too many jokes the human mind can only take so many jokes yeah all good excuses isn't that hilarious but it's it's fabulous i don't know quite how to describe what's really good about it because as you say it's not it's not just the jokes and it's not just the performances there's a sort of a energy to the program if you know what i mean i think it's sort of a world it is a world it's a way to show and everything yeah well we thought

um because it is quite wordy we thought we'd do it all you know handheld cameras and we started it just when reality TV was coming in. So did you see Sylvania Waters? Oh, I loved that. Well, we got the... Noleen. Yeah, Noleen and... Isn't that Jerry Halliwell's children's book?

Sylvania Families. Do you know what? I remember Sylvania Waters because the dad comes in at one point and he goes, is there any good reason why the television isn't on? I mean, that is Cathy Kim. Yeah, and she was really piss elegant, wasn't she? She was great. She was very aware of the camera,

and then if the camera was on, she'd always put it up a notch. No, I mean, she was very Cath, actually. We sort of got the idea, and that wasn't one of the first reality television shows, and so we loved it so much. So it's slightly homage-y to that. And I think that has this incredible reality to it,

and I think it's really quite real, actually. So I assume it changed your life, so it's slightly homage-y to that. And I think that has this incredible reality to it, and I think it's really quite real, actually. So I assume it changed your life, did it? Ah, yeah. I mean, were you already, like, recognising the street and stuff? Oh, not, no. Well, no, it's sort of well-known in our own milieu, in my own street. Yeah.

Do you live in milieu street? In my milieu. I don't even know what that means. I like it, though. I think it's an absolute radio first. Yeah. Where were you when they first said Millieu on ABC, right? It'd be like John F. Kennedy getting shot.

Millieu. Oh, I know. No, I'm sorry. But now you're a big star in Australia. You must be after that. Well, yeah, I guess the show was really popular, really successful. So it was wonderful to have a show that people liked. Oh, God, yeah.

As opposed to the opposite. Yeah, I'm still waiting. You can't have everything in life. Absolute. Radio. We're with Jane Turner, who is in a play called Holding the Man at Trafalgar Studios. So you were saying what you do in your days,

because are you going out and doing all the sights and doing Buckingham Palace and the Tower of London and all that? No, I don't even realise I'm in London, almost. I feel like I'm in a bubble. Sorry, I hadn't put your mic on. I was swearing. Yeah, exactly. I just fed up with you, Jane, you know what I'm saying?

You know what, Aussies are lying. You had to bleed out all my swear words. Yes, no, I don't do a lot of sightseeing because I'm just, I don't know, the theatre is, it sort of takes you over and you have to just, you don't do much during the day. You just sort of loll about. You'll look back on that with terrible regret, you realise. I know.

Well, I did go to the Natural History Museum the other day with my daughter. You could do that in Sydney. Yeah, I know. I mean, a dinosaur is a dinosaur is a dinosaur. I know, but the building's nice. Oh, I did go to the Natural History Museum the other day with my daughter. You could do that in Sydney. Yeah, I know. I mean, a dinosaur is a dinosaur is a dinosaur. I know, but the building's nice. Oh, the building is lovely. You do feel like you're going to, you know... So you've got your family over here with you?

I have my daughter here, and they've been coming and going. Oh, there's a road to system. I know. Yes, I can't get away from my motherly duties entirely, unfortunately. Oh, that's a lovely thing. So you were almost a lawyer, is that right? Well, I did law at uni, but I dropped out. Does that come in, I always think that would come in handy in life.

If you park the car and someone comes and has a go at you, you'll be able to say, well, actually, according to bylaw 17, I can park it. I know, but I married a lawyer instead instead so he's really good he's just found him yeah i got him i won't i got yeah i'm actually very litigious so don't cross me well that is a great plus though being married to a lawyer if someone you know those moments when the neighbors slightly encroach on your land with their fence yeah you'd be straight and i'm a horrible name no i'm not but i did come in handy when I had an argument with Prada over some shoes. Oh, did you?

You sound like my kind of woman. You've got to carry on. Emphasis, Emily. They fell apart after like two weeks, and then they were going to send them away to Hong Kong to get fixed. And I said, they'll be back in like two months. I said, but they'll be out of fashion by then. Fair enough. They were really being mean to me, so I got my husband's office to ring up

oh you didn't send over a letter I sent a letter oh good on you and did it work? yeah it worked of course I mean I wasn't going to wait two months for them to stick the buckles back on the shoes oh my god this has changed my life

I'm just going to send a legal letter any time anyone in the shop disagrees with me I love it she could put a lot of business your husband's way from now on yes it's not really what he does but there's something great about that about this is i mean not that you're not exactly the little

person because you're a bit of a star but i like the little person standing up to the end yeah and this is when i was younger and i'd spent all this money on this pair of shoes and you know and and um so you know it's a big investment and have them fall apart was very annoying i'm sure the listeners are fascinated by well i don Well, I don't know. There might be people from Prada thinking, well, we'll send her loads of free stuff to win her over. Yes, because I do love Prada. Me too.

It hasn't turned me off them. They've been wonderful ever since. So are you planning ahead? Are the things after holding the man, or are you a person who just waits? Oh, this is the end. Oh, God, I wish I'd brought it up now it's killed me

yes, no, hopefully I do we'll be doing something else we don't know what it is Gina and I are writing something else I'm sure you get asked this a lot is Catherine Kim definitely gone now? it's definitely gone for now so not definitely gone

we can't say definitely gone because who knows we might not ever come up with any other idea we'll have to go back to it where are they now the old kathleen well i mean you could do the you could do the christmas special we've done that we've done that we did the kathleen kim code okay which was christmas what about the only available on dvd one i we've done that too. You've done that? I think we're going to do a farewell. The movie? What about the movie?

Yeah, well, there's the movie idea. We've thought of that. Because it was a series in America as well, wasn't it? Yeah, we did an American series. It didn't quite work. They never do, do they, those? Oh, The Office worked. The Office did, but there's many that didn't.

No. I don't know. I don't know. It just didn't translate well. They wanted to make a sitcom of it, and it's really more of a comedy show. It's not going to run forever. It's sort of quite specific, I think. It's appeal.

But it's a special thing to have been involved in a real classic. You must know it is much loved. Yeah, well, I get lots of fans and stuff, writing letters and all that sort of stuff over here, which is wonderful. There's a real... You know, the autograph thing is really big here. We don't have that in America so much. In America, we're...

You forgot where you live? That's true. Oh, that's a scary one. Begins with I. I. It's a long word. Yeah. No, it is.

It's great. It's great to see that, you know, British people love it. Do you have people at the stage door when you call that door? Do you know Kevin Spacey used to have, like like a letterbox thing and he used to sign they used to pass him things through a hole and he used to he used to sign them and pass them back so he didn't have to see just to keep a little bit of distance yeah no you don't do that i maybe i should didn't know no they're lovely people are wonderful they're so sweet they will come yeah i don't mind doing that no good well if you want to see jane in holding the stage door i'll be there you'll be there about four o'clock this afternoon

and then you'll have a bit of spare time you'll be able to talk to them for ages maybe go for a drink so uh jane is on until april no not till april started in april when does it end july it ends in july so go to the Trafalgar Studios. It's 7.30 in the evenings and there's matinees and stuff and Jane in holding them and it's had great reviews and Jane's in it. It's going to be pretty good, let's face it. So Jane, it's been

fabulous talking to you. Thanks for coming in this early. I hope we haven't sort of tired you out for your two shows. I'll be fine. But aye, Dr Footlights. Dr Footlights. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We have a lovely text message from no name but 813

as the last three digits. I hate the way you all just read out the digits. It's really sinister. I like it. Fave World War II moment. I would have liked to have been in the Africa campaign for the Allies. Oh, me too, actually.

Purely because Spike Milligan was there. There must be easier ways to meet Spike Milligan than to have to fight Rommel's deathly troops. In his book, he said he had a bit of a rough time. Did he? Yeah. What a turn-off that is. I don't need the Milligan caveat. I'm happy just with the Africa campaign on its own.

The Milligan caveat, then, again, a great great band i saw him at the isle of oh mention isle of white again we had a couple of texts in as well um hi frank and co took me ages to suss out that sprouts were not baby cabbages this is eureka moments i should say idiotic eureka moments yeah i am i was about 35 when i realized that they were not cabbages. So he felt if they left they would grow. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, I can see that.

We also had a really nice text in from Andrew on the Sunshine Coast in Australia who was really excited. He was listening. He's on a Sunshine Coach. No.

Oh, sorry. He was listening to Jane. He said it was very nice to hear an Aussie voice and he's also noticed there's a bit of a checkered shirt thing happening in the studio today.

I'm the only one not wearing a checkered shirt. Where is he at, did he say? In the Sunshine Coast in Australia. And it's nice to hear an Aussie voice? Yes, because our guest was Australian. Yeah, but if he's in the Sunshine Coast, why doesn't he just listen to those around him? Well, he hasn't thought it through, the listening to voices thing.

Did you hear that Britney Spears says she wants to do a duet with Robbie Williams? Does she? Take it from me, it's the kiss of death. OK, so Ross Williams is up next. No Ben Johnson. Oh, Ben, I forgot his name. Ben Johnson, the disgraced former sprinter. Ben Johnson is

the Tudor playwright. No Ben Jones today. I miss the little baseball cap and the chipmunk smile next door. I'm quite a Williams fan though. Oh yeah.

Ross coming in, it's a bit like royalty arriving. Yeah, it is. Compared to Ben anyway. That was a joke. I love Ben, but he likes that leg pulling. I know, but he's like a little page, isn't he? That was his role. Is he like a little page? Yeah. Well, he can

turn. And Ross is going to be giving away tickets to guess what? Um, Bitchfest. Not Bitchfest. I think Emily's giving away tickets to that. I think Emily's giving it away. I've told you I'm performing.

No, what is it going to be? Is it not Glastonbury? Come on, I'm guessing. Not Glastonbury. Is it to a model village? Festival? No. The Isle of Wight.

It's the Isle of Wight Festival. We should have known, shouldn't we? Is it a freak show? What, the Isle of Wight Festival? No. Why did you say that? Why? show? What, the Isle of Wight Festival? Why did you say that? Because it's on the Isle of Wight. We have listeners on the Isle of Wight that live for this programme. What else would they live for?

Oh, I like the Isle of Wight. Yeah, so that's it. We never even talked about Sarah Ferguson. Can you believe that? And Mick Hocknall is joining Faces. Did you see that? Mick Hocknall's going to join a band.. Can you believe that? And Mick Hocknell is joining Faces. Did you see that? Mick Hocknell's going to join a band. Why did you make that association?

Just because they're both redheads? But Mick Hocknell shouldn't be in a band called Faces. That's just drawing attention to it, isn't it? Chris Evans is going to be on the one show. He's not ginger anymore. He's white. White as snow. Oh, is he?

He will be without job. The Isle of Wight Festival. I think he has two snowy owls live on his head. Oh, God, we've just gone into a terrible spiral. Bye. Ross is looking angrily at the window, giving me that cock-throat sign. Oh, well, best get on. That's about all from us.

Thanks for listening. Good day to you. Absolute Radio.