The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 2June - Not the Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: June 2, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth mull over all of the stuff they didn't get chance to talk about on-air

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hello and welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast. I'm Frank Skinner. This is all to do with Absolute Radio.

Emily is here. Oh yeah, I'm here. Likewise Gareth. I'm Not The Weekend Gareth. So the crowd's all assembled. Wednesday morning! It sounded slightly limp this week I thought. How can it sound different when it's recorded? Never mind. Assembled. Wednesday morning. It sounded slightly limp this week, I thought.

How can it sound different when it's recorded? Never mind. So, Gareth, you... It was something you were going to tell us. You've been holding back. Yeah, so I was... I'd rather find out things on air, wouldn't you? Yes. I don't really want any conversations off air anymore.

I don't want to have a relationship with you off air. No, no. It's a waste. Yeah. It's a waste a waste we should have i tape all my conversations are you are you sarah ferguson okay so uh let's imagine that i'm the fake so let's play you want to play we'll play okay okay is that what she says she said it in And she obviously assumed because Manzi and Mahmood, she obviously thought, oh, he's foreign, so I'll speak very slowly. Never mind the fact that he spoke better English than her.

So she went, you give me the money, wire transfer, you say we play, he play. OK? Is that what she... I don't know. Oh, I've heard it so many times. So he's the fake Sheikh, but he wasn't in costume. He doesn't always dress up as the fake shake. That's one of his many characters.

He's the man of a thousand faces. So he... Wow. Well, I thought he was... I mean, I thought the fake shake, that was it. That's the shake. Yeah. I mean, you can't be the fake shake and not be a shake.

He was so fake, he wasn't even a shake. That's what the headline should have been. Well, they could have called the story of the two of them together Shake and Vacuous. Oh, that would have been good. I mean, that just came to me in a blinding. I'm actually pro. Sorry, we'll come to you in a moment.

I'm actually pro Sarah Ferguson. Oh. Yeah. Well, you're a professional Sarah Ferguson. Yes, it was me. I set the whole, me and the fake-shaked, we don't need her for this.

I'll play the part of Sarah. For this video, Frank Skinner will be playing the part of Sarah Ferguson. No, I sort of like her. I think she, if she'd have died in a car crash, she'd be the popular one that people really liked. But she's lived.

And in order to continue, she's had to make money and people can't forgive her for that. She's like the Paul McCartney of the royals. No, that's not just. I won't have that said. She didn't get a good enough divorce settlement. That was her problem. 15 grand a year is what she got.

Oh, dear. 15 grand a year. No wonder she's having to sell whatever prince andrew does i mean it's not a proper job that he does is he trade ambassador they've said andrew you've got a fat head we don't have a military cap that'll fit you anymore so you've got to leave the navy Go and talk to some people abroad about sort of fact stuff and we'll say you're an ambassador of business. He does nothing. He's an envoy, trade envoy.

According to Sarah Ferguson, he is the Prince of England. Well, he is the Prince of England, but he's the kind of prince that nobody is quite, whether he's Edward or not, he's that. They're interchangeable. I mean, it all made sense to me. If it costs 500 grand to see him, I wondered that's why we haven't

seen him for the last 10 years. Yes, he's a sort of undercover prince. If anyone wasted the opportunity that's thrown up by being a prince, it's him. He could have. No, he did go out with Koo Stark. It's because younger models keep

coming out. Can't complete with the harrys and the williams that's right he's been he's been left by the way anyway i so i i was at peckham rye station oh we've moved on yeah okay oh is there more i um i was i was getting a lift with a very nice comedian called um mike belgrave who's a lovely man but he left me a very strange voicemail message saying gotta meet me at Peckham Rye Station, right? And in the ticket office, I can't say this enough. Sorry, I don't mean to get a bit angry on the phone, but I've just had it so much with comedians.

People wander off. If you're going to be late, can you please tell me you're going to be late? You know, I don't mind you being late, but can you please just tell me you're being late? He sounds like an awful friend. I'm loving this performance. I feel like I'm there on the phone.

I mean, this is not an anecdote. This is a play. This is not just anecdote. This is an M&S anecdote. And I've met him before. I know he's a lovely man. I'll put that in in case he's listening. He sounds quite highly strong, if you ask me.

I would have been terrified. But no, he was lovely, and he gave me a lift all the way to Norwich. But while I was waiting for him at Peckham Rye Station, I had a very scary moment where three youths came in. Oh. Hooded? No, they weren't wearing hoods. OK.

One of them was sort of wearing a uniform of some sort under a captain's top. That was a policeman, Gareth. No, he was... We wearing a uniform under his clothes. He's so young nowadays. Sort of like he works in a shop or something because he had a name badge and sort of a nondescript Czech shirt. Under a tracksuit top. So like, yeah, so like he works at Curry's but he's off duty.

And I was just standing in the middle of the ticket office, like I've been told. Yeah. And so there's three of them and they sort of, know clock me and sort of we're aware you know when you're aware what do you mean they clocked you well they're gonna ask you out no i don't know what it was did they recognize you no no no okay oh that's nice yeah i thought you know i'll pretend that could be possible look at his little face lit up there. Oh, it was like Fergie with the money. So I was staring at you. They recognised the silence.

They thought, I recognise that silence. Were you edgy? I wasn't, I don't think I was there. I got edgier because what happened is they were there and they sort of, we were all kind of shared a look so we knew each other were there. And then one of them came over

and sort of stood behind me. So they sort of had me surrounded. Was this the one with the name badge? It was the one with the name badge. Who was he? I don't know. You didn't read his name badge? No, I didn't read it.

See, I'd have thought, I'm at least going to get his name, that might come in handy. Did it say happy to hell on the name badge? No, it didn't. I don't think so. He didn't do that thing when he knelt down behind you and another one come over and push you over.

Well, that's a bit what I was worried about. Yeah. They were kind of all aware I was... That would have been horrible. Your head is in the concrete at Peckham Rye Station. That man arriving and saying, well, comedians, I knew this would happen. They're always in a pool of blood when I get here.

So tell us what happened. I'm on the edge of my seat. Yeah, so it was weird where they seemed to have me and they were all kind of... I'm not central on my seat. Anyway, let's just say that. I don't want to exaggerate. Because you can tell if people are sort of aware of your presence.

They were very aware I was there for some reason. I don't know if they were very aware you were there. They were all kind of like looking at me, but not talking to me. Would you expect them to look through you? No, but you know when someone for some reason is aware you're there. Anyway, so what happened is this man had come and stood behind me and I realised he thought I was in a queue for a ticket machine. I was just standing in the middle of the ticket office

and he had joined the queue. I was just standing there. You thought there was some incident. No, I know Raymond Blanc wasn't involved in this. I'm starting to think that this tune can fit any Gareth Dunst. Peckham Rye you're playing it for. Any meandering tale that leaves you. Because I don't have

Road to Nowhere at my fingertips by talking head. I don't feel satisfied by that. Well, I'm glad you weren't threatening anyone. Yeah, no, it was fine. There's nothing wrong with an anecdote. The punchline is, and I was in the queue for the ticket office.

I'm happy with that. Peckham Rye Gazette, man involved in queue. Man queues, that is a headline down those paths. Sorry, I'm not queuing. Oh, cool, sorry. That's why they're all looking at me. I thought they were going to stab me, but they didn't. Yeah.

Well, I like a nice youth story, and I'm glad there was no stabbing involved. So do I. Yeah, they're not my favourite anecdotes. Although it would have provided some catharsis, at least. Well, I did once get stabbed in Sheffield, and I thought, this hurts, but at least I'm helping local industry. So, you know, I like to look at the bright side in things, I must say.

Now, I'll tell you what I thought was very interesting I'll be honest with you I read the Daily Mail this week I'm not proud of that but there was a thing about Yvonne Keating Ronan Keating and it was talking about what she's been wearing

since she's been wronged in fact they called it WWA, Wronged Woman Apparel. Oh, I like it. It's one for me. And they talked about, I've written this down, a heartbreak chic. Yes.

That's what she went for. She went for understated classics, clean neutrals and traditional lines. She did. And it says a lot of women, when they get wronged, probably, they do the look what he's missing thing. I call that, yeah, that's a kind of

defiant chic. That's look what you could have won, elegance. Yeah, but see, I don't buy the look what he's missing, because I think if a bloke's been with a woman as long as he's been with his wife, he's probably, that's not what he'd be missing about her exactly i mean he'd be missing her inner beauty not but hers is more a public display for others isn't it is that what it's like some sort of paycock yes like a paycock is that well that's the trouble

is that when so when you've you know in a situation like yvonne what you really want to do is spend three days in your track suit bottoms and your fall t-shirt um but you can't really is that when you're in a situation like Yvonne, what you really want to do is spend three days in your track suit bottoms and your fall T-shirt. But you can't really do that when you're going to be photographed every day. Showing you're not wearing falling apart clothes. Yeah. Well, I liked what Geri Halliwell did when she got dumped by Chris Evans. She lay in bed all day crying.

And then when it got dark, she went to the 24-hour garage and bought about £40 worth of sweets. Then she ate them for 24 hours and then went back to the all-night garage and did that for about four days. I think if you're going to get dumped, go for it. Yeah.

Yeah. Wallowing it. Don't wear traditional lines. I mean, just absolutely... I wallow in it. On the occasions I've been dumped, I can't. What I hate most of all, I will not be dumped in the summer. No.

Oh, that's terrible, Frank. Because you can't look like a lonely, desolate figure in a flip-flop. Do you know what I mean? I need an upturned collar on my overcoat. I need to be walking against the wind, feeling like a deserted, lonely character. Yeah. And you can't, you. And you can't go out in shorts when you're heartbroken.

It's not possible. I hate it when you're dumped and when the sympathy goes. Because you have about two weeks I think during which everyone's really nice to you. You can talk about it till the cows come home. Well it's a great story of being dumped story. I mean I love listening to a friend's broken hearthearted being dumped story.

You know, they've got anguish. People, I'm in love and everything's going great. It's the dullest story you could ever listen to. But I've been mistreated. He was with my sister in my own house. I mean, I pull up a comfortable chair. I told you not to mention that on the radio, Frank. I want popcorn when the friends are telling me those stories.

Actually, Frank, you're very good. You've given me very good advice in the past. Frank said two good things to me which all stuck in my mind. Once you said to me, I was talking and talking and talking as you do, and you said, yeah, you'll feel a bit like the ancient mariner with the need to tell your tale constantly, which I loved. Well, I think you have to keep telling your tale until you're bored with it and then you know you're getting over it that's my theory

and then you said something else which I really liked which is I was in, my girlfriends and I call it the incident room which is you go to the incident room and when you're in there you don't judge, all you do is analyse so again you're allowed to be in there for about two weeks until everyone starts getting bored and I was still in the incident room in one occasion and I was over analysing

and then I started saying but then I think I know what happened. I think this happened and I think that happened and there must have been a phone call. And you went, okay, you've moved on to the forensic stage. That's progress. That's when people say, so when he said that, he probably meant, of course, he probably seen on that day and that coat, that coat that he said belonged to his mother. Then you're Colombo. Yeahbo yeah i mean it's that's good that's you should set up an incident room for that situation so you have a whiteboard and you have all pictures and you can like make lists of all have you ever been done like um only um only when i was very young how old school

no i don't i don't mean in a waistband by your parents. I mean... I'm talking romantically now. Yeah, no, I was dumped by Beth and Jacket when I was about 11. Beth and Jacket? Yeah. What sort of a person is she? Beth and Jacket from Leicester. Hold on, was she actually a jacket?

She was a potato. That's what I'm worried about. I can imagine you dating a jacket in She was a potato. That's what I'm worried about. I can imagine you dating a jacket in your teenage years. I would not find that unbelievable. She used to say, you're having me on. And I was very affected by it. And I'd seen it in films.

You know how people drink a lot in films. How old were you? I reckon I must have been, I went up to sort of year nine, so that's about 13, so I must have been about 11. I'm sorry, that doesn't count. No, no, I think you can have your heart broken at 11. You know how people drink a lot in films? Well, not just in films, Frank, but that's another story.

So I used to drink a lot. But I don't think you can, no, I'll take that, but I don't think you can have your heart broken at 11. I think one's heart at 11 is a bit like the bones of a child. They've got that robberiness about them, so they don't go easy. No, I wouldn't say she broke my heart. I was just going through the motions. I was trying to, you know, you try and act like you think you're supposed to act.

So what I did is I went to the school canteen and I lined up a big tray of cups of orange juice and I drank my way through all of them. You're joking. Why did you do that? Sat at the school dining table and said, I love that girl. Or hunched over the table like a drunk in a bar.

Did you really do that? Yeah, lined up a big load of... That's fabulous. I think you can combat heartbreak with vitamin C. You've probably seen JR doing it with whiskey or something on Dallas. You thought that's what he did? Yeah, that's exactly what I did. I listen to Roy Orbison tracks whenever I've been dumped.

You know, Only the Lonely and all that. I absolutely, I think you've got to make the most of it. I really try and make myself cry. You've got to have a good wallow and then you feel better the other side. Yeah, but you just don't want to miss your moment. No, but that's what I was saying, I hate it when people start start tiring of you so they'll give you about two to three weeks where it's all about you and you can be a complete egomaniac and i love that phase and then

you know that moment when you just you realize they're tiring and they and they go the friends who used to say oh i know i know stop going yeah anyway i wasn't watching that film oh i hate that no you have to yep it's important to get out early always leave them wanting more i say frank yeah totally but i think it's ridiculous this thing of because it's because this um lady what's her name sharon is it sharon keating sorry i don't understand your esperanto yeah she's um they're reading her clothes and she's not making any statements, so they're trying to read what she's thinking by...

It's like how they used to read the entrails in Roman times, trying to discern what's happening from random events, and it doesn't mean anything. She knows what she's doing when she walks out of that house. No. I think they should actually read entrails. I think they should kind of open a pigeon and say, this is what Yvonne Keating's thinking.

OK. The liver being there means she's... Remember, you heard it here first. I mean, just bear in mind, I was in Birdland just, you know, last week. You could be a bit more sensitive. Speaking of my week off, I told you one, I never told you, me and my girlfriend, we went for a run. Yes. Oh, that's quite romantic. Well, kind my girlfriend, we went for a run. Yes.

Oh, that's quite romantic. Well, kind of, but we got into a field and we got over this fence and I saw these cows there. Oh, yeah. And I thought, well, cows are docile animals. As I got nearer, I was looking for odders. As you so often are. There weren't any odders.

There were no odders. It's just alone. Yeah, and I realised I was in a field with bulls. I mean, I said to Kat, don't worry, they're bullocks, which is young bulls. I have no idea if that's the term for young bulls at all, but I'm just trying to calm her down. Because I said, don't show them any fear. So I just ran sort of straight at them and they weren't moving at all.

So I just ran sort of straight at them and they weren't moving at all. And I started running in a very sort of emphasised way. I started lifting my knees and really pumping my elbows, running like somebody from a strange cartoon. And I thought they'll be alarmed. They still hadn't moved. Kath was saying, I'm genuinely frightened now. I mean, like I'm really properly, properly frightened.

They're not going to move. I think we'll get killed. So I could hear frightened now. I mean, like, I'm really properly, properly frightened. They're not going to move. I think we'll get killed. So I could hear all that. And for some reason, I started singing the George Formby song, Grandad's Flannelette Nightshirt. So I ran at them going... Well, you've lost your mind at this point. No, I thought, you've got to look so you don't care. So I ran at these balls going,

Now in our family we've got an heirloom. They handed it to me a year ago. And at the very last second, I was running straight at this ball. I could feel its hot nostril breath on my forearms. Oh, I hate that. And at the last minute, it did indeed run away. Did it? I've said indeed now, which is what people always say on terrible interviews.

I think it went off at work. You know, I tell you when they say to someone, so you've built this Noah's Ark out of matches, and they say, the vocalist says, I have indeed. I hate it when they do that. And it's always to people like Peter Purvis, they say it too. Yeah, but don't ever say indeed.

I'm against it. I heard that Noddy Alder advert on Absolute Radio when he says, he said, my dulcet tones and I think if I hear anyone say dulcet tones I think they should be put down by injection and I love Noddy Alder They should be destroyed at birth

along with Mick Hucknall You should I thought about punching one in the nose you know that's what you're supposed to do with shafts I'm so glad you didn't do that I thought if it doesn't move I'm going to give it a real right... I'd worked out the punch, I thought, like an oppercut, right on the end of the nose and then see how it goes.

Have you ever met anyone who's actually punched a shark on the nose, though? I'm sure it doesn't work. A mate of mine was a gas fitter in the West Midlands and he was at this house with this young apprentice he got, he was about 16, and this young apprentice. He was about 16. And this very large Alsatian came into the room. They didn't know it was in the house. And there was no one else in the house except then the woman had gone out.

And the dog stood next to them and started going... And doing that thing when they turn their mouth up and showing their teeth. Oh, I hate that, the teeth. So they were both terrified. And the apprentice in particular, and the apprentice said, I'm going to eat him across the nose with the hammer. Oh, my God!

My mate said to him, you'd better make it a good one. He said, I'm telling you, you'd better kill him because if you just give him a nasty wrath, he'll rip you to pieces. Happily, the woman came home in time. But, you know, worth knowing if you approach. Another odd thing happened. I went into a small church in a village called Hamptonet.

Oh, what a great name. I like it. Yeah, and I like nipping into churches when I'm out in the countryside. But I tell you what, I've discovered about myself, when I'm in there and it's empty so you can really wander around and explore, I always go into the pulpit. Oh, do you? And I feel so at home in the pulpit. I look out at where the congregation would be, and I really, I think, now it might just be because i'm used to being like you know on stage

i think it's the performer in you maybe but maybe i was born to be a a preacher of some of some description well we've got someone in the organization who has connections in that area i'm just saying have you ever preached yeah you've done you've been up there in the pulpit. What did you preach? A number of things. I used to be president of the Royal Holloway CU, the Christian Union at Royal Holloway. I was the president at my university. What, the women's prison? You noticed.

You were clean-shaven in those days. So you've preached a lot. Can you see the appeal? Yeah. No, I mean, it's basically the same thing as doing stand-up. It's very, very similar. Is it? Yeah. You'd be a great preacher. I'm thinking I might. Could you just turn up one week and do an open spot? You know, I'll just do five minutes. Well, no, that's the thing is that it's not really a meritocracy. That's the lovely thing about stand up is that you can go and have a go

and if you make people laugh they let you do it whereas it's a bit hierarchical more hierarchical the church I wouldn't let anyone have a try. I couldn't turn up at a Catholic church and say don't mind if I do the sermon this week father. There's less leeway to get it wrong. Yeah exactly

I'm doing it on the topic of Lou Reed. The life of Lou Reed. Is that all right? Jesus. Well, I don't know about that. No, I don't know what the congregation. What the heck are you talking about, Lou Reed? Jesus, the pros and cons.

No, they're not into that at all. Yes, I don't think we should do that. So we had an email, didn't we? Don't point at me. I'm sorry, I thought Gareth had the email. Oh, you can't, don't ever rely Gareth to have an email. Which one is it? Oh, yeah.

Hi there, Frank, Gareth and gorgeous Emily. That can tighten, it can tighten. I can't believe that Tim Vine failed to mention one of the best moments of TV gold. I should say Tim Vine was on the show a couple of weeks ago. Yes, he was. He was talking about his appearance on Celebrity Mastermind last week. Guess he must have got sidetracked with all the other stuff.

Ian Lavender was a fellow contestant, as Rick Wakeman, as was Rick Wakeman. Rick Wakeman. And you were president of the Christian Union and that's something of a great preacher in your day. I never said I was a great preacher. Oh, did you not say that? Sorry. Then again, you didn't use the word faltering. Oh, I was a faltering preacher.

Did I falter at the altar? That's absolutely marvellous. If your name was Walter, that would have been the best joke. When Mr Lavender took the chair, he was asked in the Time Warner tradition, name, and at this point, Rick Wakeman bellowed from off camera, don't tell them, Pike.

Very good. Very good, Rick Wakeman. If he did shout that, he actually got the quote wrong, of course. It's just, don't tell him, Pike, isn't it? Oh, God. Maybe he's misquoting Rick Wake. You may look good in a cape and a Casio, but you're no good at quotes. Well, I think...

That's from Leighton Brown. Oh, OK. That's the name of the person. Leighton. Leighton, isn't it? Leighton, Leighton, maybe Leighton. Leighton. Yes, Leighton.

So, um... It's a funny old world. Leighton. Leighton, I don't know. So, we can top that, can't we? Oh, I know what you're talking about. We have a lavender anecdote. We do.

Which tops that. We? We, do you not remember it? I sometimes wonder if you don't experience the same things as us. You're there. Right. But you don't experience it like we do. You're like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Slightly less friendly. Oh. it like we do. You're like Casper the Friendly Ghost, but slightly less friendly. We used to go to this local cafe after the radio show, you know, just to chew the fat. Yeah. This was before I was vegetarian. And when I still ate carbs. Yeah, and we went there

one day and a man had fallen. Yeah. Outside. There was a man, a middle-aged man, on his hands and knees outside the cafe, which is always a shocking thing. He sort of fell in the prayer position. Yeah, it was sad to see. And it turned out, when we got closer,

it was Ian Lavender. Yeah. And a man from the cafe went, oh, God, and was going to help him. Yeah. I don't think he knew who he was. No, we did. He was a fine wiener immediately. It's Lavender. Yeah, Ian Lavender don't think he knew he was no we did and i went we

knew immediately lavender yeah he laughed i think he looked so ill i said lavender's blue dilly dilly lavender's green as he went through the spectrum of illness related colors he was on the floor for quite a long time i know we didn't help him at all did we just walk past no but it was embarrassing it was in lavender It was Ian Lavender. And what's awful is, you know when his companion, I think it might be his wife, obviously says, no one noticed, love, it's fine. Yes. You'll be fine. Everyone noticed. And we're still talking about it.

When I look back, though, I am angry with myself that I didn't know I phoned him. Oh, right. Because a photo of Ian Lavender on his knees in the street, it's what you want, isn't it? That would look great on our website. I wondered if... You know, you hear about these Japanese men that live in the jungle not knowing the war's over. I wondered if a German sniper

woke up on a roof in Soho, recognised him from the Dad's Army thing and tried to take him out. Is that possible? Very possible. I don't know, but I hope so. In Leighton's defence, as Ian Lavender anecdotes go,

I think that quite a funny bit from Celebrity Mastermind might top Ian Lavender falling over. Well, we've all got a different sense of humour. Give me Lavender on his knees in the street anytime absolute radio