The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - 9June - Not The Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: June 9, 2010

More musings from Frank, Emily & Gareth which never made it to the Radio show.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Welcome to the Not The Weekend podcast for Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner and I'm here with Emily and Gareth.

Hello. Hi. And it's our last one with you, Frank, for ages. It is. I don't even know if the midweek podcasts are continuing. Oh. Until I get back, I mean. But we'll see about that. But anyway.

Wednesday morning. Even that sounded slightly mournful. But hey, let's be open, excited. What an event I had this week. I ordered a whole crab. Wow! I was in a restaurant in Brighton and I thought, I haven't eaten a whole crab.

Well, I've never eaten a whole crab. My dad used to come back from the pub on Saturday afternoons often with a whole crab, which meant for a very slow walk, imagine, and sideways. Just clutching it? Yeah, it was wrapped in newspaper. Oh. And he used to sit and watch the sport,

you know, the results and horse racing results and all that, and he used to eat everything. I remember him cracking the very thinnest elements of the crab. And he used to get the little bit of crab out with a hair grip. Did he? And he did a whole thing. You couldn't find a smear of white meat when he'd finish.

He used to sock the pincers. I love that. I love fiddly food. Do you? I don't. I like someone to do the dressing for me. No, I said my favourite would be blancmange. Anything more fiddly than that, I'm not interested. I like chops. I've always liked the fact that chops come with a handle. OK.

I like this 70s wedding. Blancmange and chops. People still eat chops, don't they? Well, not really. What do you mean, not really? Not with those little white chef's hats on the end, which I know you favour. I bet you're one of these people that just presses

out the meat, like, just from the centre like a medallion, and leaves the string of fat across the top, in many ways the best bit. Anyway, so it was a really very nostalgic meal, and you know, there's not, I discover there's not that much on them when it comes down. It's mainly shell and bone.

Really? So you've been warned. But I noticed when we went out for lunch the other day, because we're very communal, us three, there was a new thing. We go to a place called Totten's, which is in Covent Garden. And there was a thing on the blackboard I've never seen before. It was the chef's recommendation.

Oh. And, you know, it put me off the whole experience, the fact that there was a chef's recommendation. Did it? Why? Because I had an image of the chef. Someone's saying, Luigi, we need your recommendation. What is this, nothing? Yes.

And then he must have gone down the menu going, no, not recommending that. No. And then he finally recommends it. It made me think less of everything. Oh, so it made the emissions seem worse. Exactly. I know what you mean.

You don't want any emissions on the menu. I never look at the blackboard. I get one of the other people on the team. I say, be my eyes. I can't be bogged down with that level of detail. That's because you won't put your spectre... Oh, no, I've got that frog in the throat thing. Oh.

You better sort that out before South Africa. David Baddiel's far less tolerant than us. No, and I agree with that. So, yeah, so I think the chef's recommend... The chef. The chef's recommend... That's how you say it, isn't it? Yeah. Could have just as easily been a list of what the chef's recommend... The chef. The chef's recommend... That's how you say it, isn't it? Yeah.

Could have just as easily been a list of what the chef is not that crazy about and everything else. He did recommend the most expensive thing on the menu. Yeah, well, I bet he was led. I bet he was led by that. That's my view. And I had a slightly embarrassing situation. What happened?

Well, I've been doing press this week. Oh, yeah. I don't mean I've been making cider. I've been doing press interviews. Yeah. And so I get a car, I get driven in. I don't get a car, I mean, but I get driven in. And I was driven in by Mark, who's been driving me for a long time.

I'm just working my way around the language. I'm sometimes thinking, you know, perhaps these pronunciations could be better. So I'm just trying some different ones. And he's very cool, Mark. He's probably the coolest person I know. Oh, I've seen him. And we were listening to Absolute Radio

and they played London's Calling by The Clash. Oh, yeah. And The Clash is quite a cool thing. It comes with that... And I thought, yeah, I'm going to sing this, because, hey, man, I'm cool, I like cool music, I'm into The Clash. And I went, London's burning...

And I accidentally said the name of a 1990s Sunday night drama series. And I couldn't get out of it. It's a nursery rhyme. It was originally a nursery rhyme, yeah. Oh, how embarrassing, Frank. Oh, man, it's the worst. You know, sometimes when you sing a song,

sometimes I'll sing a song and I'll realise when I come to the rhyme in the second line that I must have got the first line wrong because it doesn't rhyme anymore. So sometimes I'll try and come up with a word quickly. That's really embarrassing. So anyway, that's enough about me. Let's talk about you guys.

So how are things in BOMO? Well, I'm a bit worried for Bournemouth. What? What's BOMO? That's what Gareth calls Bournemouth. Oh, how dreadful. BOMO. Don't try and make it sound all cool. It is quite cool, Bournemouth.

Oh, is it? You're only saying that because you're from Birmingham. Yes, I love Birmingham. BOMO? Or anyone writes in BOMO. From Burma. Yes, I am from Burma. The news is out.

Anyway, carry on, Gary. Tell us about BOMO. I'm a bit worried about the way Bournemouth is going because I've been noticing quite a lot of vandalism. Coming out of the main road into Bournemouth, you know when people write something on a bridge? Not really. No idea.

They've written something on the bridge for everyone to see. And what they've written is, and I've changed the name and address. To protect the innocent. To protect the innocent. It says, Jimmy Black is a police informer and he lives at number 8 Byron Court. And I like that because there's clearly a story behind that. Did you just change one? I imagine so.

Frank, I'm worried that he's just changed one number in the apartment. He's changed quite a lot of it. I wonder if he's changed informant to informer and thought that would do it. That's what I'm worried about. Do you think I've changed my name? Gareth Richards as a police informer. Yeah.

You don't want to be identified as a police informer, though, on a bridge in Bowmo. No. I like that you're acting like you say Bowmo all the time, like it trips off the tongue. I've taken to Bowmo, because Bournemouth I never... It's the idea of being born and then some sort of mouth I found slimy in the extreme.

But Bowmo, it's like, it's got that sort of U2 feel to it as well. And it's sort of split the Bournemouth population because I look at it and think, oh, that guy's become a police informer. Well, good on him. You know, standing up against the Bournemouth mobsters. What do people talk about?

Is there a kind of shared cultural reference point with this graffiti? Because that doesn't really happen in London because there's quite a lot of graffiti. Yeah, what do you make of the Jimmy Black graffiti? Well, I've heard that he is indeed a police informer. You see that man that we hear about on the news who's helping police with their inquiries? I always used to think as a child,

how bad are things for the police that they need voluntary workers to come in? And how nice of that man to help them out. Yeah. I have to say, I find that there's less writing involved in graffiti. I went in a

place yesterday in Lambeth, which was like a sort of underground... Lambo? Yeah. In Lambo. And there was an underground tunnel. Actually, it might be classed as Vauxhall, but hey, let's call the whole thing South London. And there's a tunnel and

it's absolutely crammed with graffiti and there's a sign that says um please no sexist or racist graffiti no advertising and i thought what kind of the whole thing about graffiti is that it's rule breaking you don't want to list them anyway there's almost no writing at all. And I think that's the way as teens have steadily not been able to read and write as they left school. It's changed the face of graffiti. Graffiti now is just pictures.

Maybe they'll do it in text speak. They can do graffiti in that way. They need spray cans with predictive text. I saw a really good piece of very middle class graffiti, which was on a tube in Highgate, North London, no low. And it was advertising the Daily Mail Ideal Home exhibition. Graffiti was?

Yeah. No, this poster was. The graffiti was on the poster. That's really middle-class graffiti. Corporate graffiti. Go to the Ideal Home exhibition. No, it was on a poster. Sorry, I should add. So there was this poster advertising Go to the Ideal Home exhibition. No, it was on a poster. Sorry, Ashdad.

So there was this poster advertising the Daily Mail Ideal Home exhibition. And then there was a picture of Graham Norton, who was endorsing this said event. He endorsed it. It was in Bournemouth. Are you sure it's Ideal Home? Right. And he was holding... I'd love to go to the Ideal Homo exhibition.

I mean, it's the quintessence of what a gay man should be. Or a woman. And he was holding a champagne glass, Natch, and someone had, underneath the thing where it said Daily Mail and then Graham Norton with the champagne glass, someone had written there was a bubble coming out of his mouth with the words, where is my soul? Which I thought was so brilliant.

Well, I remember at the ITV studios they used to have these pictures which was like they're big stars and they're big programmes and they'd have little captions underneath and the captions were put in in cards so it would say for example

stars in their eyes and be a picture of Matthew Kelly or something like that and there was a picture of Michael Barrymore and someone had taken out the card from underneath the television programme Hornblower and put that under and I thought that's disrespectful. I wish I hadn't done it now. I once had, I shouldn't say this.

There was a photograph of an ex-boyfriend of mine on, not on the ITV studios, but on the BBC studios. And I wrote something that I'm not going to tell you what it was actually. Because I don't think I should.

Anyway. You can think about who that might be. David Attenborough is a bit of an idiot. It was a bit lacking in information, generally, that anecdote, wasn't it? We don't know who he was or what you wrote. No.

OK. My favourite bit of historical graffiti was to do with the 1832 Reform Bill, and it was written on a wall somewhere, Damn Lord Grey's Bloody Head Off. That's quite good. Yeah. And that's still there. You'd think that would have been removed.

It's funny you should say that, because Al Murray, who is doing the show... The new client, yeah. Yeah, exactly. He, I don't know if you know this, but he's something like the great-great-great-great grandson of William Makepeace Thackeray. Is he really?

Yeah. And they had a load of school books that his parents did that belonged to William MacPiece Thackeray. And someone had scrawled on the front of it, William Thackeray is a bloody fool. Fabulous piece of graffiti. Marvellous. Now, we had an email, didn't we, about someone's getting married? Yes, we did. Sorry, that's my email. You're getting married?

No! Not yet. Is it email, Hesky? Carry on. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, my fiancé Paul and I are big fans of the show and have been avidly listening to the back catalogue via the podcast. Oh, I love our back catalogue. and have been avidly listening to the back catalogue via the podcast. Oh, I love our back catalogue.

If my calculations are correct, Paul will be listening to this just prior to our wedding on 10th of July. It would be fantastic if you could give us a fleeting mention to wish us well on the day. Frank, I know you're not the biggest advocate of marriage, but we've long admired the poetry you conjure in your pearls of wisdom when listeners have contacted the show for advice, and I'm sure a few fitting words will give us a brilliant start to our marriage much obliged anna in sunderland anyone who closes an email much obliged is already my good books i must admit i i well i wouldn't say

i wasn't a great advocate so i had i had you know a failed marriage that was some time ago though i've had a few failed gigs doesn't mean that mean that I'm anti-gigs. No. I went to a humanist wedding once and they spoke when they did the readings, they weren't obviously religious readings, and they read out this

poem by Rilke, the German poet, in which he talked about relationships. You know these people talk about my other half and all that. And he was anti that. He said the idea is that you give the other person space to grow as an individual. And what he said is that we are the guardians of each other's solitude. And I thought that was fabulous.

So I think that's what's important about any sort of relationship is that you let the other person be who they are. And if they change, you've just got to let it happen. And I think that is crucial. Because I think when you first go out with someone, and it's a bit, you know, it's just all that exciting bit. It's a bit like going

out for a night, you know what I mean? It's all new and that. But if you've been with someone for a while, they get to be like home. Yes. And that's, they get to be like home. Yes. And that's a fabulous state to be at. When you can just be yourself around someone, that's the joy.

So I'm hoping that... Sorry, what's their name? Anna in Sunderland. Much obliged. I'm hoping that Anna and... And Anna and Paul. And Anna and Paul, that that is achieved. And you should both remember that

if you hold your hand open and a bird sits upon it, just let it stay there as long as it wants it might stay forever but if you try to hold it tight and hold on to it you'll kill it what if it was a buzzard um that was a very nice sentiment now don't ruin it okay that's what i'll be going down the aisle to So then, what else? Well that was a good story I saw a fabulous headline in the paper

What was it? Dead elephant becomes fuel And apparently The Yugoslavs Were given an elephant As a nation For their big zoo. And it died recently.

It was 42 years old. I don't know how old they normally live, elephants. I don't know, but that seems a strange age for an animal, quite a human sort of age. 42? Yeah. I was quite young for a... It was in a car crash.

They were moving it from one zoo to the other and uh the the driver lost lost control and uh the elephant was flung flung through a sunroof that'd be scary wouldn't it sit in a cafe and see that happening so anyway so what they've done they've turned it into they've taken the dead body of the elephant and when i said they they've taken it, oh, you lift that. I can't imagine. Wow, exactly. Maybe you saw it up. Yeah.

Take it out in separate sacks. And they've turned it into biofuel, which I think is a... Oh, that's responsible. Yeah. Well, they said they wanted to do something to honour the elephant's memory. Yeah. And that's what they did. They turned it into fuel.

Yeah. Of course, the elephant's memory is so long. What they should have done is just they should have steamrolled it and used it as carpet at national events. I think it'd be great if there was a special elephant biofuel pump and instead of the normal pump, there was a trunk coming out the side. I would love that. Wouldn't that be a...

Be a bit wrinkly, though, that one. Yes. A wrinkly slide. Yeah. Yeah, bit wrinkly, though, that one. Yes. A wrinkly slide. Yeah. Yeah, another wrinkly slide. I liked it, though. I liked the idea of animals being reprocessed. Is there much energy in an elephant? I think it said there was enough to power a Dyson.

I think Dyson ball, I think was what they said. A Dyson ball. A Dyson ball. A Dyson ball for seven and a half minutes, I think was what they said. The Dyson Ball. The Dyson Ball for seven and a half minutes, I think they said. Wow. I could keep one in my backyard. It needs to be used sparingly.

You don't want to buy one every time you hoover. That would be impractical. Yeah, I was going to hoover, but the dead elephant hasn't turned up. Famously, you could go to Harrods and order one, couldn't you? They've got a bit stricter about these animal controls now, though. Well, you can buy an elephant from Harrods. In the 70s, that was one of the kind of, you know, like John Lewis

never knowingly undersold. That was one of the things that, well, my parents told me this, I don't know if it's true, that Harrods, you could say, if you wanted an elephant, you could get one from Harrods. Alive, or dead? Yeah, a live elephant. If you needed to hoover. But then, as I say, they're much stricter now, possibly, about bringing it into the country.

You could say, could you kill it for me? I'm using it for fuel. Yeah, in fact, could you put it into petrol cans? No, I thought... And coincidentally, I read an interview with Susan Boyle this week. And... Through a medium and

she said that at her funeral the tune she'd like to be played was Nellie the Elephant. That's a strange choice. Yeah, I've seen Nellie the Elephant pack their trunks and say goodbye to them. I'm familiar with the work. I was just helping you out.

Yeah, so it got me thinking, well, you know, what would I like? and saying goodbye to them. I'm familiar with the work. I'm just helping you out. Yeah, so it got me thinking, well, you know, what would I like? What would you like? Best we have this conversation now. I know it's a bit bleak. I think we should all agree that we go for... Oh!

No, no, what, no. The thing is, what's great about that tune is I wouldn't have it at my funeral because it's too depressing. It's too depressing. It would actually wouldn't have it at my funeral because it's too depressing. It's too depressing. It would actually drag the mood down at a funeral. That's how bad it is. Because when you hear that, you think of so many people who'd benefit from a funeral. Oh, exactly.

Yeah, no, I've always fancied the theme tune from Bonanza. Oh, that's a good one. You know, ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Malcolm Hardy, the famous comedian, when his coffin left the church, they played Return to Sender. That is good. That is fabulous.

I like that. I'd like that Verve song, The Drugs Don't Work. Because they wouldn't have by that point. No, probably that would have been, yeah. I do want people to cry, though. I'm just flagging this up.ging this up you know people say oh i want that's life and it to be uplifting i don't want that i would never want to be really upset and sad and i want to i want a montage of my life with airbrush photos of me possibly doing some charity work holding children and things yeah i agree when people say don't wear blank black we want it to be a celebration

no no don't celebrate did say, don't wear blank, black, we want it to be a celebration. No, don't. No, don't celebrate at my funeral. Oh, did you say, don't wear blank? See, he's forever on your mind, that man, isn't he? I know who I want to cater my funeral. Well, he'll be there. I don't know. Oh. I don't know that...

You'll outlive Blanc. No, I don't think you'll outlive Blanc. I don't know, the sore throat is nasty. No one's going to outlive Blanc. No, I don't think you'll outlive Blanc. I don't know, the sore throat's nasty. No one's going to outlive Blanc. No, I think Blanc has already got one foot in the souffle. Cockroaches and Blanc, that's what they say. One foot in the gravy. Is that what they say?

Yeah. That's what will outlive all of us. Cockroaches and Blanc? Yeah. I've never heard that one before. Is that something that he serves at one of his restaurants? Oh, Raymond. Is that something that he serves at one of his restaurants?

Oh, Raymond. So, yeah, I sort of respected Susan Boyle for that, though. Thinking about her own death? No, the fact that she's sort of light-hearted about it. I sort of imagine that she's someone, apart from that wiggle that she does, I don't imagine she's a big laugh, but maybe I've been wrong about her. Yeah, but that wiggle doesn't illustrate to me that she's got a good sense of humour. It just illustrates she's a big laugh, but maybe I've been wrong about her. Yeah, but that wiggle doesn't illustrate to me

that she's got a good sense of humour. It just illustrates she's slightly mentally unwell. Well, I think that's true. I mean, I think I... It'd be good if she had the thing from Psycho. She did also say she wanted the whole of the dance troupe diversity nailed in the coffin with her. Yeah.

So that's... Nailed in the coffin. Mm. That's over the top, isn't it? I don't know why they couldn't just nest coffin with her. Yeah. So that's... Nailed in the coffin? Mm. That's out of the top, isn't it? I don't know why they couldn't just nestle around her. They could lie amongst her. Have you chosen a song, Gary? No, I haven't thought of a song for my funeral.

You haven't thought of one? Well, perhaps we can think of one. I think there's only one, isn't there? Yeah. I just think of the people's names coming up and the credits with this. No, but the vicar can say, we will bury him only once.

Yeah. Gareth Ruchard. Fabulous. Hello, hello, themed. It's a slightly ironic title for a uh for a funeral oh well so um no what was your fact i love a fashion point that's i don't know many people emily's just about my only contact with the fashion world i don't well there was a story this week and they did a survey talking about um the top 10 fashions that men hate so on this list you know because sometimes with guys it's like they well i'll tell

you i'll tell you the things first then you can make your mind up on the list was uggs leggings and oversized sunglasses are three things for you to get your head round. Surely oversized sunglasses are something to get round your head. Well, exactly. But I was interested, what fashion items do you guys hate? You know, it's that thing with men that I think sometimes when you go too fashion-y, men don't understand it. They essentially like you to show off your assets. If you're wearing a top, they're like,

Why are you wearing that scarf? And it's like, I can't see your la-la's, basically, is what that means. It's true, though. Why aren't you wearing a miniskirt?

Do men actually say that to you? Yeah. Why aren't you wearing a miniskirt? Yeah. Oh, no. That's people who want their women bespoke.

I've never been that assertive. No. No, well, I just think that's too forward. So what clothes don't you guys like? Well, the ones you've listed are ones I'm particularly partial to. Oh, really, Frank? I think an og boot and a bare leg is a fabulous combo.

Oh, I think that's a real great combo. Do you? What was the other ones? Leggings. I love leggings. Do you? Not floral, but yeah, I like like leggings i'll tell you what i don't like with leggings i don't like jeggings oh i like that you know the difference yeah which

are like they're supposed to be like denim leg or denim effect leggings are they no what are they what are jeggings well see what's happened is you've used you've cleverly used a piece of a piece of the inside world and you don't know what it's about. No, I might let you have that. Go on, I might let you have that. Half a point. Well, they're not really,

you're talking about tight denim. That's different. That's not the same as jeggings, really. What are jeggings then? You've made a complete fool of yourself. Why try and dress it up in any other way? What are jeggings? They're just those things,

they're more like, they're like half tight, half legging. What are the ones that have a bit that comes underneath the foot that hold them down? I like that. Well, a jegging can have that sometimes. A jegging can have that as well. Yeah. What I particularly don't like is a patterned tight. Don't you? I hate those. Oh, I understand. I really,

I mean, I remember them the first time around and they're coming back now. They look like their legs have been wallpapered. Oh, you don't like those? No, they're like, it's like a legs have been wallpapered. Oh, you don't like those? No, it's like a funeral parlour wallpapered leg. And it seems to take all the beauty out of the female leg. And

most men don't like gladiator sandals either. Oh, I'm happy with those. Oh, are you? Oh, God. I'll tell you what I particularly don't like. What? That is a four-breast bra. Oh, yes, Frank's not a big fan in fact yeah we've spotted some yeah we do go spotting we go are you familiar with this four breast bras when a woman has ample breasts but she wears a bra that isn't quite big enough so you get like it looks like a

double decker breast on each side so there's like the overfill and then there's a bra on the two tiered effect yeah and you i I don't like that at all. But that's not, you know, that's not fashion. That's just slovenly, really. I think it's women who just can't admit that they've got big breasts. And I think, you know, that you need to embrace... Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be afeard of. No, indeed.

And I also, there was something that I used to dislike and I've had a complete change of heart on it and that's the pop sock. Oh, really? There was a time when I thought the pop sock was, and I'm talking about the height, not the short one that one might put on for trying on shoes. You're talking about knee length? I'm talking about

knee length. And I used to think, oh no, the least sexy thing you can ever have is a pop sock. And then, I think it's, when I moved to London and you see lots of oriental women and they up front the pop sock and then i think it's when i moved to london and you see lots of um oriental women and they they up front the pop sock oh yeah well it's very fashionable now with a high heel yeah i and now i've grown to really like them so if there's things that you don't like in women's fashion new people who are listening don't give up because it's it's amazing how that can change. What else?

Oh, I wanted to raise something. Okay. Let's just get the webcam on. Did anyone hear this week, or last week I think it was, that they were making a film? It was an adaptation of The Hobbit It's an MGM thing I'm quite excited about that

No, no, don't be because it's all gone wrong the director's walked out, it's all in disarray Oh no, what's his name who did Pan's Labyrinth Yeah, but this isn't film 2010 so that's not why I'm raising it What I'm here to talk about Who is Pam?

Friend of Raymond Blanc I think I remember Pan's Labyrinth. Who is Pam? Friend of Raymond Blanc. I think I remember Pam's Labyrinth. Birmingham, like 70s. So anyway, there's a strong chance the film, they might not make the film. Now, I actually wasn't that unhappy to hear this, because I have to say, I loathe fantasy.

I absolutely detest it. I can't bear anything like that. Creatures and elves and things. What about orcs? Oh, don't get me started on orcs. I can't bear them. And so I actually realised this at quite a young age because my mum bought me a copy of The Hobbit

and I opened the book and I started reading it and the first line was, in a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. And I literally just slammed the book shut. And I thought, there's nothing would induce me to read on from that sentence. Why would I read on? I'm surprised that you were shocked. That was one of the details of the story of a book called The Hobbit.

I suppose you could have thought he would be above the ground. Be a bit more experimental. Why am I going to read about some awful creature living in a hole? I know what you mean. I mean'm i'm a page 69 man myself as i think i mentioned uh on the show what's that again if i'm going to buy a a novel or any book really i'll read page 69 and if i like that i buy the book and if i don't i don't oh does it work it does generally the theory is that by then the the author is in full flow, whereas the beginning. But I'm in an opening sentence.

I don't like what I would call wet novels. What do you mean? When you drop it in the bath and it all swells up. I don't like that sort of middle classness about some novel. If a sentence has got a woman's name in the first... You don't like it? Yeah, I'm not keen about that. Or if the action is initially set at a kitchen table.

Oh, I know, you don't like that. See, I quite like that. I think, oh, we'll get nice relationships. No, I hate all that. If you can imagine that the first sentence might be, Linda gazed into the mirror searching for grey hairs. I'm out of there. I don't want that book.

I don't want to know anything about that book. I'm in like Flynn. And I dismissed the author. Or the children were staying in Winchester with my mother. No, thank you. Not for me. I want something that's a bit gritty. What about, I know what put me off,

I was christened Amanda Louise Holden. I wouldn't read any further than that, would you? Not unless it was about someone who'd changed their name because they so hated Amanda Holden. I think if a book started, it was the sort of thing where you really had to be there. That would be a bad start to a book. Hmm.