The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - A Royal Engagement

Episode Date: March 20, 2011

Frank, Emily & Gareth discuss the Queen Mum's record collection, an evening at Clarence house and an incident on The One Show.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. That was the marvellous PJ Harvey with The Glorious Land.

And I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily and Gareth. Good morning. Hi, Frank. The sun is shining through the window in Golden Square and that's absolutely marvellous. I'm a little, I'm a tad fatigued. Are you? Well, I went to the Comet Relief doodle. Oh, you were down there. Oh, God, I was down there.

I'd say it's probably the worst place to watch Comet Relief. Is it? Yeah, because what it is, is the screens in all the, like, these, you know, green rooms and bars, and no one, the sound's not really up. And you'd have hated it, Emily. Would I have? It was very, how can I put it, it was a very competition winner. Oh, I wouldn't have liked that.

Yes. I saw a blue nylon wig on the way in, I thought, is this for me? And then a woman came up to me, a woman I vaguely recognised, I think oriental, middle-aged. And she said, oh, you remember me? I was on your show once. And I thought, now here's a difficult moment in the making. And I said, oh, God, how are you? What I should have said was, who are you? But I couldn't get the word out.

I like you for styling it out, Frank. Yeah, you have to style it out. And she said, so, do you live in England now or are you living in Ireland? And I thought, ah. She thought you were gay, man. Did she? Yeah. Gay burn.

I did have one. I thought I'd covered it with germaline, but maybe she spotted it. David Trimble, I was thinking, could it be the Reverend Ian Paisley? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I was saying, Ulster says no to someone at the time. Actually, I was a bit more polite than that. I said, Ulster says no, thank you. If he'd have said that, I think he'd have won.

I think people would have thought, actually, he's quite polite, the Reverend Ian Paisley. Anyway, I'm thinking it's my proverbial um graham norton mistake yes i think it could be but did graham norton ever live in did he live in ireland graham norton or did she just think well you're irish you probably live in ireland yeah he lived in ireland at one point well yeah but i'm sure this woman didn't know him when when he was a child she could have been she had a hint of dinner lady about her well Well, she could have been a family retainer, a nanny of some sort.

Yeah, she could have. She was certainly a water retainer. I don't think there's any question about that. Anyway, that was that. And I'm not quite sure. I'm pretty sure it was the Graeme. She probably thinks, oh, good old Graeme, he's doing well, you know, now.

She probably thought I got my late-night chat show back, you know, it's the big comeback. Little did she know. So I spent most of the night pursuing David Baddiel, who I never found. Oh, he was there, was he? I heard he was in the building and people said to me, oh yeah, I just saw him talking. Oh, he was in the building.

Yeah, they said I just saw him talking to Doctor Who and his assistant. That's what they said to me. I couldn't track him down. It was a bit like Where's Wally? It's hard when Alan Yentub's in the same building. Well, exactly. Separated?

Well, not even at birth. I think they were about 30. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything, such as where is David Baddiel, you can text us on 81215. Of course, he could now be in a different time, couldn't he? He could have gone to Scandinavia in the 18th century if Doctor Who got drunk. Oh, yeah.

Doctor Who, can I ask you something about Doctor Who? Ask me anything you like about Doctor Who. Yes, I'm ready for this. Well, I saw him. Too hot? Is that what you're going to ask? No. I watched it on television last night, like a muggle.

I wasn't down with the celebrities. But I watched it. I was in one of the presenters' houses. Yes, exactly. Let's not spoil it completely. But when Doctor Who comes on, Frank, he does a funny voice. I didn't know. I thought that was the actor's actual voice.

But he puts on a silly doctor's voice, doesn't he? Are you sure this was Doctor Who? Was he a Dalek? What do, but he puts on a silly doctor's voice, doesn't he? Are you sure this was Doctor Who, was it, a Dalek? What do you mean he puts on a silly voice? I can't do an impression of it, but he talks a bit like that. I'm the doctor. And I thought, well, is that your actual voice? Now, that's canine you're doing.

That is absolutely canine. You've got completely mixed up. You think he's a funny chap, that Matt Smith. I find him a bit metallic. Yeah. So was he being Matt Smith or was he being the doctor? Who, David Baddiel? If David Baddiel finds out there's a doctor in the room, he will go and talk to them about insomnia or some sort of wart-type phenomenon.

Oh, dear. Well, he was being... I presume when he was knocking about the corridors, he was Matt Smith. We did... Gareth and I ran into one of the Comic Relief celebrities with you yesterday, though. That was exciting.

We saw Lorraine Kelly, didn't we? In Wagamama. Who'd have thought that? I know. I know. That was an exciting moment. I think I'm going to play the next song for former DJ and pop quiz host Mike Reid, because he banned it once.

Oh. That was Two Tribes, Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Frankie Goes to Hollywood, of course, would have been the perfect soundtrack for me getting waxed last week. Very good. Yeah, just struck me that. So I made a terrible error before I said that song, and I hate to make, of all things,

I hate to make a musical error on this show. But I said that Mike Reid banned Two Tribes, and he didn't, he banned Relax. No, but he should have banned that, because Frankie just said Sex and Horror are the new gods. It's a little bit racy. No, but I think that is that because he just, Frankie just said sex and horror are the new gods. Yeah. It's a little bit racy. No, but I think that is the family motto of the Reeds. If I remember rightly.

That's something he very firmly believed in. What happened to Mike Reed? Is he still, he'll be on, he'll be on Radio Wyvern. Yeah. That's where he'll be. Wyvern. That's my guess. Frank, we've had a text in saying. Can I just say that Mike Reid

once you know he once had a play wrote a play who was it about John Betjeman he wrote was it about Oscar Wilde when it closed in one day that one

he did one night and it closed and he said they interviewed him the next day he said I'm not bothered about it he said it's like Charles Dickens at the time you know

he was completely obscure when he was working no one knew who he was but now we like Charles Dickens at the time, you know, he was completely obscure when he was working, no one knew who he was. But now we talk about Dickensian England. There was two major problems with this. One that was Charles Dickens was probably the most famous man in England. He was very big. When he was working.

And also the suggestion that we will at some point refer to the late 20th, early 21st century as Reedian England. It just, I doubt that will happen. But who but who knows you know history can play tricks on people um david starkey hi frank did you add the horn to that pj harvey track in a way i add the horn to every track that's what i like to think but no it's not a horn a horn, it's a US Cavalry bugle, for God's sake. No, it's on there. That's from 227. Yeah, like I say, me and, as you might know,

my girlfriend's sister is living with us at the moment. So me and my girlfriend and my girlfriend's sister, we were driving round Gloucestershire the weekend listening to that PJ Harvey track. And when I first put it on and the bugle came, because the bugle doesn't feel like it's part of the track, I kind of assumed the Dukes of Hazzard were trying to overtake. And I was in their way.

But no, it is part of the track. Actually, speaking of... The triumvirate. Yes, the triumvirate. Actually, speaking of... The triumvirate? Yes, the triumvirate. Yeah. We had a bit of a moment in the household this week because I was interviewed in the Radio Times this week. Oh, I missed that.

Well, I haven't read it, obviously. And people still read it. TV Times, does that still exist? I don't know. Does it? I don't know. Daisy's? I don't know. Daisy's nodding in the corner. She has been a newsagent for 20 years. Hasn't been in since the paper round. She loves a Murray Mint as well. Don't mention that on this programme. God, the sponsors

will be... I can't, I'm sorry, if there's anyone from our sponsors listening. Can I say that was a morriment of vile. So I would rather have my tongue ripped from my throat than accept one of those. We'll probably find they're made by our sponsors now. Anyway. Anyway, so meanwhile, back with the Triambra. Yeah, so nice picture. And it says, you know, Frank Skinner and his girlfriend.

But there was the caption. But the picture was not Frank Skinner and his girlfriend, it was Frank Skinner and his girlfriend's sister. Oh. Oh, man, it's got, it's all, it's all got very, very awkward. So what happened? Well, my girlfriend took it quite well. Did she see the funny side? I can imagine Kath would. Um, she, yeah, I think she saw the, um, you know, there was a tear in the eye,

but I think, I think she saw the, you know, there was a tear in the eye, but I think she was alright with it. There wasn't anything in the picture to suggest she was your girlfriend? No, certainly not. Okay, that's good. What, we were a bit sullen and They clearly just been around. Exactly. I had a big red hand mark

on the side of my face. Oh no, there was nothing like that. I recently got photographed with a friend of mine. She's called Emma Brunges, right? Oh, yes, I'm familiar with her work. Yeah, and me and her were photographed at the opening night of a theatrical event. Yeah.

And the next day it said in the paper, Frank Skinner with friend Branigan Spencer. Where on earth? I don't know, but I wish I had that name what a brilliant it's a brilliant i mean if you're gonna make up a name but i looked her up to see if the was if they you know if there's such a person but i couldn't find a brannigan spencer anyway you see but if ever i check into a hotel um undercover i'm gonna go for brannigan spencer because brannigan could just as easily be a man's name yeah it's it's a great name. Sorry, I interrupted you.

Well, I was just going to say, I've been photographed with you, Frank, and I think I got... You see, there are different grades of what you're called. You can be an companion. That means you're old, generally, if you like. No, I didn't get an companion. No, it's not bad. They're very young.

Frank's going to plus guest. I don't really like that. It's a bit of who the hell are you? You can be... Friend, you can be. That usually means a strong hint of sexual chemistry, I find. I fear my days of Anne's stunning companion

are over. However, and his date, thanks again, and his date for the night. Sorry, should we have jumped in then, Gareth? No. Don't be ridiculous. And his date for the night. I'd be happy with that. You sound a bit of a good time girl.

I had 200 T-shirts printed with that on once. No, it's a bit awkward, the whole thing. But it's going. The whole thing's going lovely. Don't get me wrong. The great thing about living with Rachel, my girlfriend's sister, is that she's very light sensitive she's like a sort of a newborn mouse in that plant of some sort so when she

comes into because there's a lot of windows in in my uh in my flat in the main room so when she comes in in the morning she's got the dressing gown and the big dark glasses it's like living with jackie onassis it's very exciting It's the first real hint of showbiz I think we've had in our flat. Personally, I'm loving it. Oh dear, there was a bit of an activity. Again, I don't want to get too domestic this week. But I got an email.

Was it an email? Yeah, it was an email from my girlfriend's sister. And it was a picture of a sort of... While you were in the house? Well, they were away, the two of them. And it was a picture of a sort of country mouse if you can imagine a cuddly toy country mouse oh yeah and uh dressed in like a victorian dress holding a sort of um lace trimmed straw boater at crotch level and looking quite um

hang dog if a mouse can look hang dog dog. Sheepish, shall we say. Oh, it's a menagerie. And the message said, we've just bought this. And I thought, and I could see from the scale of it, it's three and a half feet high, this thing. And I thought, I don't understand. So when I finally came to see it face to face, it turns out to be a vacuum cleaner cover

that they saw in a charity shop. It's a big, bulky, slightly frightening figure. £1.75 they pay. Oh, it's a good price. See, if you go out into the country, you can still get the bar. That's a nice price. So I'm thinking I'm kind of liking it on the vacuum cleaner. Really?

Because, you know, the vacuum cleaner, it's an ugly thing. It's a practical, you know, it's not supposed to have any beauty. I've got a Henry. Very happy with it. I'm not sure about a Henry. I've always had that thing with a Henry that it looks so tragic when you see one in a skit. It's terrible. It's like being at a clown's funeral. I don't know if you've ever been at a clown's funeral. But anyway, yeah, so I'm thinking I'm going to get covers

for all the less beautiful things in the house. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I've already got on there... Do you remember those old toilet roll covers that used to have the crocheted woman in the crinoline dress? Oh, doily. Well, now what I've got is I've just got...

I've got a little model of the head of Britain's fattest man. And I've just put that and then like a sort of skin-coloured stretch thing over the top. It looks fabulous. So that's my, if anyone's got any hints for things I

could use to cover ugly domestic items and, please. Nobody mocks about the life. And, please... No remarks about the life! Oh, Lee Max arrived. Yeah, so... We've had an extraordinary text message in. Really? Oh, the subject line is, the census.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know they were texting in the census. Make it a lot easier. It says, I was wondering if Emily would mind if I claimed her for the census. Yep, fine. OK, done. Still done. I know she's essentially homeless at the moment,

and I found filling in one person no guess quite depressing, so I thought I could add in some people of No Fixed Abode. Cheers, Stephen Luton. Oh, that's where you've lost me, Luton. Oh, it was all going all right till then. You half lost me at Stephen, to be honest. Oh, come on, it could have been Stephen Fry. There you go.

No, Stephen Luton, you sound really nice. And what a lovely offer, Frank. It is. I might need to take him up on it. Well, what... Are you going to be on a census form? Because you are sort of in between homes. Well, I don't know, but when I was discussing this at some stage,

Gareth informed me, he was very angry. He said, it's the 23rd of March, you have to get an invite. It says on the census you have to fill it in on exactly the 23rd of March or as close as possible to that date. That's this week, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I'm no fix to vote. Can I just say staying with celebrity?

Yeah, you could say that. Yeah? SWC say that. Yeah? SWC, that's a special option you get. Is there a little box for that? Staying with celebrity. Tick following celebrity. Right Reverend Robert Ronci. Joe Pasquale.

It's made specifically for Madonna's children. Oh, we're rocking. I feel we're rocking. I don't know about you. Yes, and we've had some lovely emails in during the week. Dear Emily, Frank and Gareth, in alphabetical order. EFG, love it. EFG, yeah.

I am a big fan of your podcast and listen to both the weekend and not the weekend episodes, but have found this commitment has developed a small problem. I've found that my internal monologue has developed a West Bromwich accent. When going about general day-to-day tasks, I've found... Can I say that's a bit odd, because my internal monologue is broad West India. Really?

If I have any at all, I feel inside my head, well, this is a moral dilemma, and no mistaking. And I don't know where that's come from. I think he's watching a lot of cricket as a young man. Carry on. When going about general day-to-day tasks, I have found I have a WWFD, what would Frank do, attitude to any situation I find myself in. Have other people developed these symptoms, and is there a cure?

What would Frank do? What would Frank do? That's coincidental because i'm gonna do you know that program um i've never seen star wars well you have to talk about um stuff you've never done so i've spent much of the week talking about stuff i've never done rather than what i would do the three things i'm doing on the show are cocaine, drinking and driving and having sex with a Native American. So, look out for that one. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Owls about that man. That's my Jimmy Savile impression. I'm still having a problem with the wobbly bit at the end. Are you? Story of my life. And there was an exciting moment during that record,

and I loved that record, so I was excited about the fact it was playing. But then I just made a casual throwaway remark about having a physical union with a Native American. And as I put the music on, Emily said, Oh, I've done that. Who'd have thought that? Absolutely brilliant. Wow.

That's awesome. But then, what wasn't so awesome is that Gareth started getting up some list. I'm a bit distracted. I'm on nativeselebs.com seeing who this person could have been. It's quite a range to choose from. She hasn't just fallen in love with celebrities. I don't know.

Yes, I have. Oh, yes, I have. Sorry, I don't know where I got that information from. So, Burt Reynolds is apparently part Cherokee. What Burt Reynolds? I'm not looking. I'm looking. I'm thinking feathers here.

I don't want someone who's... Chuck Norris? Who's well down the line. It's not Chuck Norris. It'd be great, though. It would be a very good bloke to fall out with. Then you could tell friends, I'm one of chuck norris james l jones james l jones you're just going to say names and then you're all going to say that disparity we could do that all morning i'm

guessing he was was it something like dangling squirrel they've all got names like that no Was it something like Dangling Squirrel? No. They've all got names like that. No. Dances with Divas. That's what he's called now. Yeah.

And it's not dances. So did you put a brave face on it? That's what I wanted to know. Oh, right. I'm terrified. We were talking about someone said they've got a Frank in a monologue and asked themselves what would Frank do. Someone's just texted, and I've developed an Emily in a monologue stroke attitude.

Should I worry? Robin Guilford. Yes, you should worry. You're going to get ideas above your station, I fear. How dare you? You're alright. You actually live in the station. Yeah, but for anyone else that could be endless frustration. Frank, we were

talking earlier. You know we had that text. Oh, we were talking earlier. You know we had that text... Oh, we were talking earlier. Well, we were. Just let it go. I hate people going about the past. OK, I'm not going to say what it was, but you would quite like it because it's a What Would Frank Do?

Oh, OK. Yeah. And we've had someone text in a What Would Frank Do? It says, Frank, I have a dilemma. Me and the missus have our two very good friends living with us. They have now got together, but she has turned into, I don't know how to pronounce this, I believe it's chimera of a being,

and upsetting the balance of the house. Should we tell her to leave? Dan, 28, Chelmsford. Is it chimera, see, Al? Chimera is a sort of a monstrous woman, isn't it? Yeah, it's't it yes a mythological i should know what that is yeah isn't it on your passport on the occupation yeah um so so when he says two friends he means he means a male friend and a female friend yes so now he's got a couple living but i see that's that's always a mistake i think really because i think Because I think it's like the two alpha males.

They both want to make the house their own. Tell me about it. Yeah, that's the problem. In this studio. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, me and Gareth have been known to rot before now. Yeah, so what is the problem exactly?

Well, he's just saying they're both their friends, but they've got together, and it's obviously made her quite awful, and they want to tell her to leave, but because they've got together, what do they do? They're now a couple. Because they want to keep the other one. Yeah. Well, they want to engineer a massive split between them.

I'd suggest a bit of perfume sprayed on his coat. Similar. Oh, that's a good idea. That's a really good idea. Moustache hairs on the bra strap. A novel by Beryl Bainbridge. Oh, I haven't said that for ages. How lovely.

It is a difficult one, but I think a couple living with you, because then you get all their... See, we've gone for a single person, and then they basically hang out with us, is the idea. Yeah, good idea. I'm not liking that. We have another one here it's robert here from melbourne you may remember me from the one man two watering cans on the back of luther's email who wouldn't i have a moral dilemma i was listening to the weekend podcast yesterday and laughed now not to look like a madman and laugh

on a quiet changed i changed the laugh into a cough at which point something flew out of my mouth into the hood of the person in front do i, at which point something flew out of my mouth into the hood of the person in front. Do I? What does he mean, something flew out of his mouth? A bit of something. Oh, makes you feel sick. Maybe spit, maybe a little bit of food. When he said into their hood, does he mean

their local area? How far did it go? We're talking flam in da hood. Is that what we're talking? Should he, one, let them know, two, try to take it out quietly, three, leave it. Take it out? What level of solidity has this

got? Well, the problem is it depends on the weight of the projector. Of the matter. Have they been knocked unconscious is the question. Well, I mean, if it was very heavy as well, and say if at the railway station they have to ascend stairs to get out, they could go up and the weight of the hood could take them backwards. That could be quite dangerous.

I don't like the option of let them know. That seems a terrible idea. Imagine saying, sorry, I've just gobbed in your hood. I mean, that would be courageous in the extreme. I wouldn't do that. Also, you know, on the bright side, when that hardens, he could put that hood up and that could save his life. You know the old World War I soldier with the Bible in the pocket and the bullet?

Somebody could hit him over the back of the head with a baseball bat and once he's got a good crust on that, that could save his life. Like a helmet, yeah. Like a helmet. Touch for the very first time. That's what I always say. Well, I don't know if I've exactly taken... Here's a moral dilemma I had.

I'll leave you with this. This was a genuine moral dilemma. I was on the platform at New Street Station. Actually, speaking of snot on a bus, I must tell you this, first of all. I went and had six teeth out and my face was completely numb and I got on the bus and I sensed people were staring at me

and I thought my mouth probably looks a bit out of place you know your mouth's not quite straight when you've got the It's not massively straight now darling. No I know that. But I had the, you know, what do they call it? Anesthetic, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. So I got,

I felt people were looking, and there was a sneaker, and when I got in, I looked in the mirror, and both my nostrils and I looked, I looked a bit, when the light caught it, I looked a bit like Hulk Hogan.

That's why, it looked as if someone had to be Hulk Hogan's stunt double the moustache hadn't turned up and I think well I'm going to have to form this out of my own bodily matter anyway

here's the here's the dilemma I was on New Street New Street Station in Birmingham and I was having I got the urge and I went to Burger King.

That's the bottom line of it. Nothing to be ashamed of. No. And I... It depends on the urge. But what we used to call in the old days a tramp came up to me and he said,

oh, give us a bite of that burger. Oh, God. And I had to make my moral maze decision. Maybe you can guess what i did so you you had to run in with a tramp people have suggested what happened next yeah i was on new street station and the traffic can you use the word tramp is that politically correct of course you can okay thanks a tramp came up to me and said can i have a bite of your burger well it's a difficult thing especially there's more bread in his teeth than there was on my burger carry on um someone has did you spit food in his

face from five six oh and i don't never do i mean looked as if a lot of people had but no no that would be... I come from a generation where a tramp was seen as quite lucky. There weren't many about when I was a kid. Yeah. It was if you... I mean, you wouldn't shake hands with one, but to see one was...

They were in the same league as the black cat. OK. Frank, there's another suggestion from 560. I bet you told the tramp to go first and multiply. Oh, so he's got it wrong. So he's re-texted. Go Firth and multiply? Yes.

I did it with a stammer. That was meant to say go forth and multiply and get a job, is what he's suggesting. Because there's a place called Firth. Yeah, it sounds like go to Scotland and multiply. Yeah, I wouldn't say that to a homeless person. I've only just arrived. Definitely.

I'll send them straight back. And then the last suggestion from 437. A lot of anonymity, Ree, the tramp. You either tore a piece of the burger, ate the majority and left him the last bite, or took one big bite and gave the rest, or fell to his knees and wept. Fell to his knees?

I don't know why it says that. Well, I do. I liked him, but not that much. Who'd fall to a tramp's knees without breathing apparati? It would make you cry, though. You're quite right. I tore a piece of the burger off and gave it to him. I was very pleased that I came up with that idea.

I mean, there was no meat on it, just a bit of bap. But he was glad of it, I thought. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest minty show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. I think it's our second anniversary on something like Wednesday this week. Is it really?

Yeah. Wow. They come and they go, these anniversaries, I'm fed up with them. 100 shows, two years. Who cares? Anyway, I'm just glad to be here. I don't know about you. My age.

Anyway, you can text us on 81215 about anything you like. And I mean anything. We had a letter, didn't we, from our old friends, the Philly girls. Remember saying about there isn't enough? Yeah. The great textings that never happened that we talked about. They said as it's your two-year anniversary, you should throw out some of the textings that never happened that we talked about. They said, as it's your two-year anniversary, you should throw out some of the textings

that never got answered. What happened to the topic, most evil man you ever buried in a field? I thought that would be a great phone-in. I was talked out of it. Most evil man you ever buried in a field. Although we got Dave from Essex. Yeah.

Or, the best... Actually, Simon Wiesenthal would have won that hands down. Yeah. Next. Or the best, why is life a grotesque pantomime? Yeah, you see? How lovely to hear from the Philly girls again. They actually give all their names as well, which is...

Samantha, Leslie, Aria, Cassie and Erica. Oh, we miss you girls but yeah why is life such a grotesque potent pantomime discuss there aren't enough of those kind of i'd like to do um who's your favorite um german literary figure that's our phone in this week should we go for that i've got my own but i'll keep it quiet i was um there is some keep your powder dry for goodness sake i find that if i'm a bit dead if there's problems if life anything's annoying me i often turn to german literature and i was having this same

conversation with um chas from chas and dave and he said his dad was just the same. He said to me, when me rock and roll music wakes him up, Goethe. When the Poles knocked England at the Cup, Goethe. When the kids are... Always, always. Swinging on the gate, Goethe. I can do this for an hour.

So, yeah, so that's... They turned to Goethe. I'm, you know... What are you? Well... I'm going to grasswood myself. I think I'm a bit Herman Hesse, if it's bad news. Yeah.

I'm grass, he's Hesse. Where do you stand in this debate? I'm trying to think who's German. Is Kant German? He looks German. I'll do. Yeah, anyway. Anyway, looking forward to those texts

come pouring in like an avalanche. like some kind of a crazy avalanche we actually haven't done like a proper texting for people to text in no that's true and i i like i look forward to the i think we've got the brightest listeners on radio i'm not just saying that because you're listening i just saw the text that they're little works of art in their own right well there was this you know there was a story this week talking about people eating out. And we eat out a lot, don't we? I go into restaurants and things. No, we do.

Yeah, we don't. You know, we keep it cheap. No, in fields. Spareground. Picnics. Yeah. Yeah, restaurants and things. That's what generally.

I know in, strictly speaking, eating in. This survey was talking, though, about people's top restaurant gripes. So the things they find most irritating, and top of the list was tables put too close together, which surprised me. Quite a specific gripe. So they didn't want to be too near the other... I mean, that would have been my gripe.

I find when you're squeezing through tables too close together on the thigh, you know when you get the pinched thigh from the two adjacent tabs? I don't like that. I had one this week. I was in a, it was more of a cafe, maybe a bistro, looking back. And I thought, you know, I'm feeling a bit fatigued. I'll get a lift. And I said, I'll have a Coca-Cola, please.

And they came back, glass and can, it was that kind of delivery. Now, it was March the 17th. Yeah. Now, the can had got Santa Claus on it. I wasn't happy with it. I don't know why Coca-Cola do that, bring out the Christmas can, because come March, you're thinking, is this all right to drink this still? Yeah.

So I wasn't happy with that. I also, I'm not keen, when sometimes, I was in an Indian restaurant recently, and they put the rice and the curry on the, they arrived with them separately, but then the bloke started scooping them. He served it up himself. He started serving it up. Don't get over-involved. I hate it when they do that. Either put it

on the plate and bring it to me, or put it on the separate stupid silver plates. But don't... I don't want a half-white house. Also, I was brought up on Vesta, Corrie, from the packet. Oh, you'd never have guessed. And I followed that serving suggestion on the cover to the letter.

I still, in the poshest Indian restaurant you could ever be in, I still put the rice in a circle and put the sauce in the middle. And that was, he'd messed that up. I don't like it when they come over mid-anecdote. Oh, that's not fair. It's obvious I'm mid-anecdote. You're always mid-anecdote. Always mid-anecdote.

Wait, wait your turn. I don't like it when people, the places where they say, oh, have you ever been here before? Like when they think they've got to explain how it works. They only say that in a harvester gown. Well, they can't believe anyone's come back, Lucy.

They should remember me. Yeah, they do do that, though. I don't like pie in a bowl. You know when you get pie in a bowl on the plate? Too much crockery. Ridiculous. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. The Magnificent Four with Telephone Thing. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about those? Sorry, Telephone Thing. Well, yeah, talking of... You're distributing on your iPhone thing. This is Frank Skeeler on Absolute Radio. What about those? Sorry, telephone thing. Go on. You're distributing on your iPhone a photograph of the Hoover cover that we were talking about earlier.

Yes, and you're all in shock, it looks like. It's the most repellent thing I've ever... It's actually terrifying. Maybe we can put... Can we put it on the website, that picture? Yeah. Yeah, we'll put... I'll show you my Hoover cover. It's a really bleak art installation about the futility of life. There is something... I'll show you my Hoover cover. It's a really bleak art installation. It's about the futility of life.

There is something. I'll tell you what, they haven't fully stuffed the neck on the country mouse, so the head is hanging to one side. It looks ashamed. It does look profoundly ashamed, but I don't know if you've ever straddled a Dyson. I didn't feel great about myself, I'll be know if you've ever straddled a Dyson. I didn't feel great about myself.

I'll be honest with you. But it is... Yeah, we'll put that on the website. You can have a look at my... It's disturbing. I'll get over it. It's made me sad. So, did you see about the Queen Mother's record collection?

There was a paper about um the music the queen mother was into oh yeah was it um eclectic tastes sorry sorry to interrupt guys quickly bobby in scotland girther anyway carry on bobby that was all it said german literary figures okay okay um Did he hear my chassantai? 176, what about Bertolt Brecht? Yeah. Anyway. Point. Queen Mother. I like that we just randomly read them out throughout the show.

Yeah, it's good. It's a good call, Bertolt Brecht, I think. Old shark has pretty teeth, dear. And he shows them. Let me hear you say Pearly White. no i'm not gonna say pearly white okay i will go on um she liked paul simon no no i said it pearly white did you okay thanks don't make rash promises about what you're gonna say and not say i've had enough for that with the government go on go on paul sim, she liked You Can Call Me Al.

I don't know that one. What is that? Call me al, you can call me al. It doesn't sound anything like that. You've just... That's not it. It is. Gareth, Frank, it sounds nothing like that.

Can I sing it? In the Queen Mother's head, it sounded like that. Everything. It's not. Everything sounded like that in the Queen Mother's head. Sorry, Frank, this is really upsetting. He's got it so wrong. Can I sing it, please? No, it's true. When a small child like that in the Queen Mother's head. Sorry, thanks. This is really upsetting. He's got it so wrong. Can I sing it, please?

No, it's true. When a small child went up to the Queen Mother and said, I have these flowers for you, all she could hear was, Call me out. There's no such song. It goes, if you be my bodyguard, I will be your lover. Oh, I know that. Yeah, it doesn't go, call me out.

Oh, no, it does go, call me out. Yeah, but they call me Albert. I can call you Betty. Yeah. Yeah. Betty, you can call me. Our music radio. It's the best thing, isn't it? Call me out. Yeah, but they call me Albert. I can call you Betty. Yeah. Betty, you can call me. Ah, music radio. It's the best thing, isn't it?

Call me out. Yeah, it's right. It goes. It's right. I'm surprised Al Murray doesn't come on stage for that. He does now. Chevy Chase in the video where Chevy Chase... That's a funny...

I liked it. I've got the article here. It says, um... Blah, blah, blah. It says, her love of a tipple. This is the Queen Mother says her love of a tipple this is the Queen Mother, her love of a tipple I hope they don't say that about me when I'm gone her love of a tipple was reflected

in Tack a Dram Before Ye Go by Merck a local folk band, that's one of the tracks and an album titled Fiddler's Dram by an English group of the same name so that suggests she's some sort of an alcoholic that she had two songs with a sort of a whisky.

So when I die, they'll say, and his love of the seasons were reflected in the fact that he had several fall albums and a book about Mike and Bernie Winters. I mean, what kind of detective work is that? Rubbish. She liked Scar as well, apparently. Oh, Carolina.

And Canadian Yodeling. She liked Scar. She liked Scar as well, apparently. It's Scar. Oh, Carolina. And Canadian Yodeling. She liked Scar. She liked Scar music, apparently. Carolina's not Scar. It is. It's originally a Scar song. She liked the specials. They're Scar.

She liked the specials. She liked Ghost Town. She had to tour a lot of places like that. Anyway. Yeah, so it's... Yeah, no, I wouldn't say Carolina was Scar. I'm sorry. No, it is.

The original is, actually. Oh, yes, it really is. Yeah, try and't say Carolina was Scar. I'm sorry. No, it is. The original is, actually. Oh, yes, it is. Yeah, try and get it out of me. The original. The original called me out. Funnily enough, I was at the Queen Mother's old house this week. Oh, Clarence. Clarence House.

Lovely. Clarence the Cross-Eyed House. I was there. How was it? It was pretty exciting. I should probably tell you after the adverts. But can I just say, before I entered the house, I was a bit early when I got there. How was it? It was pretty exciting. I should probably tell you after the adverts. But can I just say, before I entered the house, I was a bit early when I got there, right,

because it was a bit of a fancy do. I'm talking members of the royal family. Ah! Yes, and before I get in, I'm a bit early, and you're not allowed to arrive early. Yeah. So I thought I'd check my emails. And I checked my emails on my iPhone and a thing came up

and it said something like majestica.web and I thought, oh, my God, I'm using Prince Charles' Wi-Fi. Don't get any more excited than that. We only have this, Texans. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. We've had some texting, haven't we? Yeah, we have a restaurant gripe from Eustace H. Plimpsle.

Oh. Eustace H. Plimpsle. That's my character in Annie the Musical. I know him, actually. He's my personal trainer. So he's complaining about the restaurant The Hungry Horse has on its entrance. Find a table. I don't know if you've ever seen The Hungry Horse's entrance. It's a dark night out.

Sorry, it says... On its entrance it says, find a table, choose your meal, order a drink, we'll do the rest. There is no rest, unless we have to cook the stuff and perhaps wash up afterwards. That's it. But hold on, I really thought that was going to rhyme.

Everything about your delivery told me that was going to rhyme, but it says we'll do the rest. What was it again? Find a table, choose your meal, order a drink, we'll do the rest. Rubbish. Rubbish. Do you remember the Fat Boy restaurants?

They were a bit like Ed's Diner. Don't think my family ever took me to those. Yes. And they used to have little cards that says, Fat Boy Says. And then there'd be like a quote from Fat Boy. Like, Fat Boy says, cheese fries are, you know, the best treat with a chocolate milkshake. And you can see, well, I can see how Fat Boy arrived at his current persona. Fat Boy says, I am desperately lonely.

That's what they should have had on. Fat boy says, heart tablets in my other jacket, in my... Anyway. Bring back Vesta, best wishes, John. Looking forward to that happening. So I was at Clarence House this week, I was saying, which is now the home, it was the home of the Queen Mother, but it's now the home of Prince Charles.

And what is Camilla's official title? The Duchess of Cornwall. Oh, yeah, Duchess of Cornwall. So she wasn't there, but Prince Charles. It was a reception to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible. Now, actually, I was looking at the Four website a couple of weeks ago, and I noticed that I was mentioned on it, and I never normally read anything about myself on the internet,

but I thought I might be all right on the Four website. And the bloke said, I'm listening to Frank Skinner's radio show. I've listened to it for a few weeks now. His favourite themes are the Four and the King James Bible. A marvellous summary of the show. So I went there. As some of you may know, I am a follower of the Nazarene. Anyway, Prince Charles was there and he came over and we chatted. What did he say to you?

Well, we chatted. There's a thing I love about the royal family in in general and i think prince charles in particular is what i would call the laugh bargain and the thing is this is the laugh bargain whatever prince charles says there's even mildly amusing you really laugh at and whatever you say that's even slightly amusing he laughs at right and Right. And, you know, that, for me, is my ideal state in the world. I could happily... I could have that with everyone. So you could live with him quite happily? Yeah, I'd easily. If he's... I mean, there were spare rooms, I saw them.

I don't need, like, the Hoover cover. It was great when we went in. There was one room that just had, like, guns on the wall. And fabulous. I think it was to make the Americans feel at home. Oh, yeah. So I said to him, this was on the 17th, and I said, so is it on St Patrick's Day to keep the Catholics away?

And he cracked up. He loved it. Did he? He absolutely loved it, yeah. And then we talked about... How did he laugh? No, it yeah and then we talked about how did he laugh? no I'll tell you something it's a terrible thing

I know you're supposed to be all cool about it I was actually quite excited I've met him before oh I would be excited I met him at the Royal Variety performance which I think I've spoken

about before it didn't go that well but he was it was a bit like the King's Speech live you know what I mean because there he is he could be and I did I got a bit excited I mean's Speech live. You know what I mean? Because there he is.

It could be. And I did. I got a bit excited. I mean, there'll be people at home saying, you've met me sick. But I don't care. It was a thrill of many, many variations. And we talked about, he's on YouTube at the moment. And we talked about YouTube comments.

And I said, don't ever look at them. You'll just upset yourself. Well, I hope Prince Charles doesn't look at YouTube comments no he says that he's pre-coid 69 he said he said he said his people um he said no he said that um my secretary showed me some he said and they were they were really nice I said yeah but they would have been vetted and he went oh yeah you're probably right I thought oh no I've brought a bit of reality into the I'd be lying awake all night I said don't don't read reviews nothing of that nature and i think he i think he took it to heart but the best thing was he did a bit of a speech on the stairs clarence i have to say i did really

like him he seemed somewhat just exciting you know prince charles come on brilliant come on you know stamps and then there he is anyway so he stood on the stairs and then he said anyway good night and he waved and then he just went up to bed that's brilliant he didn't you know you expect him to leave by a door but he just said good night then and off off he went like and i thought oh it's like when you know you're at a party and they just can't get rid of you and at the end they say well well, I'll go into bed, you think. And did they turn the lights off after? No, we were out so quick.

Yeah, but it's one of the great exits of all time, I thought. Much better than the entrance at the Hungry Horse. I just wondered what would happen if Prince Charles Googled himself and the first thing to come up is the Prince Charles Cinema. Yeah. And then number two is... Probably didn't even know he owned that. The Prince of Wales is number two. Prince of Wales, I think he knew that. I mean, you know,

he's no stranger to a Fleur de Lis. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had a text in from Yvonne in South Wales. Good morning, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Love the show every week. Oh, shouldn't read praise out. Sorry about that.

And enjoyed Frank on the one show this week. Really made me laugh. Well, funny you should bring that up. Why? It was a bit of a dark night for me in many ways really oh um i think it's quite a good show well now it's it's an interesting they phoned me up and they said right so um what we're going to do we're going to do japanese earthquake you're going to eat insects and then we'd like you to do a a george formby style song about the terms and conditions for our competition. I thought, this is the one show. Variety.

And I was all set for the... You know Matt, the guy, the main guy on there, who said to David Cameron, how do you sleep? So there was tension in the air there still in the afternoon. Oh, yeah, hot Matt. In case he goes in for the kill. Yeah, he actually looked at me and said, where do you sleep? Oh.

Which I didn't think was... Anyway, I had a traumatic thing. Because we were eating the insects. There were maggots and, you know, locusts, ants, cheesy ants. I'm fine with all that. I'll eat anything. Mm. OK.

And then the insect man said, oh, have a scorpion. Oh, yeah. So I had a scorpion, and I said, it's quite big. It still had the sting on it. And I said, I know that. It's got a sort of a, he said, oh, yeah, they're soaked in vodka. Well, as you may know, I haven't had a drink since September 24th, 1986. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I thought, am I going to end up on waste ground with 15 plastic carrier bags shouting at people,

yes, this happened to me because I had an alcoholic scorpion on The One Show. Is that what my life is destined to be? But I thought it was quite a big... So now, of course i've i've prided myself on on not lapsing over that period but now i've had a vodka scorpion i'm thinking what i might if i went out and had 12 pints of mild tonight oh fine don't say that i don't i don't think it's quite a drink no it doesn't count it sounds like a drink doesn't it i'll have a vodka scorpion please and was they going to sting you for that? Well, I...

Yeah, it was... Oh, Frank, vodka doesn't count, darling. That's what my mother was used to saying to me. But, Frank, do you... She was at her best at breakfast. I always thought that. Oh, Frank, I'm sorry you had that. That's terrible.

Did you complain? Well, I did a bit, but I think Matt seemed genuinely... I was... In a way, I was so happy Brandreth wasn't there. Nothing could spoil my night. But, um... There were fabulous questions. Speaking of vodka-soaked scorpions.

Fabulous questions. Very good, Gareth. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're near the end, I fear. But before we go, I think Gareth has an announcement to make. I thought you weren't going to tell anyone. What is that? Oh, yeah.

Oh, me and Laura having another baby. Oh. That's absolutely marvellous news. I'm so excited. So exciting. It is. He's a dark horse, isn't he? If you saw him in the street, you'd think, no way. So how many more now before you can live completely off benefit? I think that's the question the country's asking.

But the balance is that how many, you know, having enough so that you can survive before you get the full benefit and we were we had the scan yesterday and we were very scared it was twins because that'd be you know couldn't afford twins game over pretty much okay you could have just not let one out ebay i was thinking oh god but no um there's one of them and he looks very healthy me and the radio family the baby in the radio family. Yeah, because I think you're just trying to save him money by the sound of it. You just didn't want to waste all those clothes you'd bought for Easter. Yeah, better get someone we can hand down to.

Anyway, look, you can listen to Not The Weekend podcast. You can download that on Wednesday. That's a completely different kettle of fish altogether. But it's us three talking in a small room. I'm off to see West Bromwich Albion, hopefully wipe the floor with Arsenal. I'm told it's a good time to play Arsenal. That's what I've been told.

OK, so have a lovely weekend and week, and we love you all, and I think we'll go out and wet the baby's head. Whether I can hit it from here is a good question. Okay, goodbye. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball

Soft Mints, bringing a softer mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio.