The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Absolute Radio - Mr Average

Episode Date: October 12, 2011

Frank Emily and Alun share their thoughts on The Duchess of Alba's recent nuptials and how Mr Average is the new Mr Right.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Hello, Mr Radio.

Yes, indeed. It's not the weekend podcast. Here on the Absolute Radio Network with Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran, and the lovely Miss Emily Dean. Oh, yeah, and I'm feeling pretty laid back and very radio today. You've started this with kind of a World Service tone to your voice.

I have, yeah. I hope they can hear us in the deserts of Gambia. I imagine there's people in Namibia now learning English from this. Do you know, we have a very large OS fan base. Is that right? We do have quite a lot. Yeah, we always get... Yeah, you're right. But I don't think we've had anything from the deserts of Gambia. I'm not... I wouldn't put money on the fact that they had deserts.

I'll be honest with you. I don't know. Very few of them have desserts. I've probably, I wouldn't put money on the fact that they had desserts. I'll be honest with you. Very few of them have desserts. I probably got a family member over there. I'll look into it. Could you? Yes. That would be lovely. So, here's what happened to me this week, or not everything.

That's going to be long and tedious and in many ways obscene podcast. We'd have to change tapes so many times. Change tapes?ene podcast we'd have to change tapes so many times we'll change tapes i think we'd have to change broadcast i'm delighted to hear it yeah so what that we're changing broadcast i can't say that people think why did they put a jingle in there? I don't know. That was Matt Berry trying to tell people he's trapped in a lift. How the hell did you know I'm trapped in a lift?

So, I arrived, I'm working in Camden at the moment. I've got a stall on the market, nose rings. I thought you had quite a lot of eyeliner, it's all gone a bit Phil Jupiter. That's a bit. I'm researching a short story.

No, I'm not. It's something an extra said to me once, doing a thing in this extra camera. I said, don't you think I'm just an extra? I'm researching a short story. I said, get away from me. Because you can beat around the bush, but you might as well just get it over

with. I never trust anyone who says they're doing anything for research, but let's continue. No. Exactly the same conversation with... Careful. Insert name.

I can't remember his name. Who's that fertility bloke with the big mustache? Oh, Dr Robert Winston. Yeah, I had the same thing with him. Thank God you're here as my aide de mémoire. My aide de mémoire. So, I've gone into these offices where I'm writing stuff

and I'm working with the producers. You don't need to know the details. Why do you care what I'm doing? And I arrived and this woman who worked there said, Oh, God, did you see that coach across the road? I said, I don't know. I just walked down the road and there was a big car. She said there was like a crowd around it.

She said it had about 50 supermodels and they were all getting off and going into that hotel. Oh. And I sort of, part of me wanted to turn and run out into the street hysterically, but I thought, I can't do that. She'll think I'm some sort of sexist. Or sex pest. So I said, oh, blimey, that must have, I can't do that. She'll think I'm some sort of sexist. So, um...

Or sex-paced. I said, oh, blimey, that must have been a bit of a sight. She said, there's loads of people, they just looked up, so they're coming off the couch, one after the next, just looked amazing. I said, uh, blimey. And I had to be all hanged dog about it. Well, I was desperate, I was desperate to go out, and I know if I'd have gone out, the coach

would have been pulling away, and I'd have just seen a silhouette of one, like, six- foot woman disappearing into the hotel and been a terrible fool myself like that first short story in James Joyce's The Dobliners when he's taken to that like a thing and all the stalls are closing down it would have been like that it would have been very like that it would what what what on earth they were doing at this all-in-one coach, these supermodels? I don't know if Thursday morning is their swimming lesson. Do they learn on mats? Some of them did have rolled-up towels.

I've heard that. Probably with their cosses in. Are you sure? Or was it yoga mats? They might have been going for their yoga class. It could have been. I smell Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I've just polished this desktop. Well, perhaps you'd know, Em, because why would 60...

I mean, she said they didn't look like... They weren't, like, you know, glamour models. She said they all looked like catwalk. They were proper models. Catwalk. Do they work as a group? Do they run to packs? Do they chain gang them when they're not working? This was last week.

This was Thursday. Oh, you see, Paris Fashion Week was over. All the fashion weeks are over, so I don't know. Or did they put them into storage? They don't call them after the fashion weeks, do they? Oh, no. I think I've worked out what it is. Go on.

What? Tell. I think I've worked out what it is. Go on. In the Camden area, there is a very, very she-she online retailer called My Wardrobe. A bit like that posh one, Net-A-Porter, it's all designer clothes. I suspect they were shooting some sort of catalogue, upmarket catalogue. What, with that many models on the same coat? Not very possibly, yeah. Oh, how is that going to help the break-even? Where did they leave from as well?

Or was it like a school coat that they go around, you know, do they all have to gather at points like that? Just hire three and have them change clothes. It might take about half an hour longer. I wouldn't imagine it'd be very fun, do you? You can't imagine them being a sing-song. Right, yeah. Can you?

And when we used to go on the swimming coach, we used to do our bare bombs at the back window. What would be the point? A supermodel? No. It wouldn't really be mooning. It'd be more like meteoriting with their tiny, hard

bottoms. I mean, you wouldn't get any spread against the glass. Is that mooning? I don't think so. You'd barely leave any steamage. You know what I mean? you wouldn't get any spread against the glass. Is that mooning? I don't think so. You'd barely leave any steamage. You know what I mean? It'd be hard. Some of them might have hot bumps. There'd be a bit of steam worked up, depending on how much of a temper they've got.

Yeah, but I imagine that all comes out their ears. Well, they get the hanger, don't they? They get the hanger. Oh, hanger. Yeah, of course. Because they're not eating. I hadn't thought about that. The producer's nodding very sagely as I say this.

Imagine if one of the members of staff that wasn't a model on that bus opened a bag of crisps. It would have been like vultures pouncing on there, wouldn't it? I don't think it would. I think they'd have fled. I think they'd become afraid of food,

those women. Oh, poor things. Poor little lambs. But that sense of just missing out like that. I know. Just, oh. Oh, yeah. Matter of seconds.

It would have... I'll tell you something, though. I think one of the things I miss most nowadays is missing stuff. I know what you mean. No, because everything is filmed now. Just see, everything I do, if I go and do a little gig in a club, there'll be a camera and a tripod at the back. When I spoke to the Archbishop of Canterbury,

all MP3 and that all on the internet. Yeah. Everything, everything you do now, the concept of live, the concept of an audience having an exclusive thing that no one else shares apart from the people there, that's gone. Wedding men, wedding speeches, you know, best man, all filmed. Yeah. Also telly. You used to miss telly all the time.

If you weren't sitting there, there was no tomorrow's world for you if you went there at 7.30pm. Yeah. Not only that, if you missed actually an incident on the telly, you can rewind it and watch the... It's mind-blowing, that. Yeah. I used to like missing stuff. It made you feel real.

I still have that logic. Quite often I will forget to rewind the telly. I just think, oh, I wish I'd listened to that bit of... Is there a limit on how far you can rewind it? About three weeks or something. What? No, I don't know. No, I watched the 1968 Cup final the other day.

It took ages. It took ages to get back there. Well, that would be brilliant, wouldn't it, if you could write back, hold on, did I just miss Muffin the Mule in 1955? And then you want to get it on to 30. Oh, yeah. Don't think 12 will do no if you overshoot you can always go back you know what I mean

you've seen a lot of Thatcher walking backwards with it fast but you know once you see the trailer for what would it be in those days? It wouldn't be the Blackberry, would it? It'd probably be the Berry.

Yeah, the Berry. I think the Berry. A lot of the shows were sponsored by basic food stuff. Try fruit. Well, they used to advertise milk on the telly. They just said, try some milk. Squatty and Rush drinks. People would say, you know, eat cheese.

That's the kind of adverts they were. They're very basic. No, they hadn't separated. It's lovely. It was like that. Eat animals. You choose. That was the advert.

I'd be good at advertising. Actually, you choose was the very popular lamb-based juice. Oh, dear. lamb based juice oh dear so I have that same thing of just missing out though, the other day I got back I think I've been staying away, working as I do sometimes up to 20 minutes

you're one of those monkeys yeah, one of those monkeys not roofing, I do an hour of entertainment too on tour but not too much. But I got back and... Well, that's your opinion.

And my wife said, oh... She'd been reading my reviews again. I wrote three of them. I mean, I used a nom de plume. Good, why wouldn't you? Yeah. I had one on top of my turban. Large jaw with a big nom de plume on the top.

Keep going. But yeah, I got back into the house and my wife said, oh, I've just made myself a cup of tea. If you'd been two minutes earlier, I'd have made you one. But the kettle's just boiled if you want to get yourself a cup of tea. And it was that by the narrowest of margins.

I still made myself a cup of tea, which was fine. But wouldn't it have been nicer to have had a tea made for me? It would have been, I mean, to have arrived and literally it was just boiling and she, that would have been brilliant. I'll make you a cup of tea, that would have been great. I think, to be fair, she could have still made you a cup of tea. Yeah, well, the divorce proceedings are in. I don't think I'm overreacting, though, do you?

Well, you know, I mean, she was already in that mindset of tea making. It wouldn't have been a big stretch, would it? It is always tricky when someone... She'd sat down. I love that. I've sat down now. Oh my God, you get up again. Yeah, but I understood. I just thought, well, you're in the comfy seat. No, I think they do have those seats. I don't know if you've been to the Cockerell's house. They have

those seats that they have on the big rides at Alton Towers. And that big thing comes down and keeps you in. Yeah. So it is... You're not allowed to stand up. I just found a lot of old sawdust there in the barn. Anyway, that was that.

Frank, I'd like to talk to you about the Duchess of Alba. I'm fine with that. Oh, the Duchess of Alba! Oh man, she's special. Oh, she with that. Oh, the Duchess of Alba. Yes. Oh, man, she's special. Oh, she is special. She, oh, man. Yeah, she's,

I have a soft, I think we all have a soft spot for her. She's a bit of a hero in Spain, actually. Yeah. She has so many titles. I think she has

the most titles in the world. She has more titles than Waterstones. Yep. WBA, Champion of the World. Yes. She's more titles than Waterstones. Yep. WBA champion of the world. She's united all the titles into one big title.

We should say she's an 85 year old, very, very rich Spanish lady. Not even nearly enough varies there in terms of the richness. Is she a billionaireess? Yeah. I mean that's proper money, isn't it?

And this is her third wedding, and she's 85. Yeah, she has been widowed twice, hasn't she, I think? Yeah. She's not moving on. No, I think she must have took the mask off. Yeah, but what's going on with the face? She's had a bit of work, I think. I think she's had a lot of work. I'll tell you what she looks like, and I don't wish to be unkind.

Okay, prepare to hear something very unkind everyone. You know those pencil trolls? You know those ones with the long hair that you stuff on the end of your pencil? She looks exactly like one of those. And probably once upon a time she looked like the woman in the pencil that

turned the pen upside down and it undressed, probably. Oh, well I never had one of those. That was more of a biro. Yeah. Oh, you're familiar with the concept, I note. Oh, I know the concept. I actually had one with the Popemobile on it, which I bought in Rome. It used to go up and down. I mean, he stayed fully clothed, don't get me wrong. Frank, don't get that out in front of the most reverend. What?

The AC. The AC won't like that. No, you're quite right. No, but, yeah, she does look like a pencil troll. Frank! She does. I'd love to see her straddling a giant 2HB. But who wouldn't?

Well, give it time. Well, as long as you had a robber. Frank! She's the barnet. I mean, she's amazing looking. Phil Spector. Yeah. I don't know if you saw that footage of her dancing at her wedding.

Yes. I mean, it was a very... It was the slowest flamenco. You know when they do that flamenco and there's a lot of... With the feet and all that. There was none of that. No. It was a lot of hands, wasn't it?

And there was a point where she was doing the flamenco where I thought of Emily, because I couldn't help but think of your arthritic claw when you were getting embarrassed. I wasn't sure whether she was dancing or she'd just remembered some of the things she'd said. I wasn't sure she was dancing. No, it looked like a super slow-mo flamenco replay.

If there was a sort of flamenco match of the day... Do you know, Frank, when you're knocking on as well, a slow-mo flamenco replay. If there was a sort of flamenco match of the day. And they had like a... Do you know, Frank, when you're knocking on as well, try and avoid a sort of bandage colour for the dress. Yes, well, she's never at home in a bandage. I thought she could have really raised the stakes there. 85 years old

and deliberately got married in pure white. I thought that would have been good fun. It would have gone with her hair. She hasn't dyed her hair though, as far as I can tell. She's sort of... I'll let that get old. I'll let that get old, but I don't know, though. I wish she'd gone long, straight and orange with it and done the full troll work.

I tell you what, though, the husband, he's a bit of a fox. He's not. He's very handsome, I thought. Can you be a toy boy at 61? I was going to say, he's no spring chicken. No. But he looks, he looks really... He's a bit of a fox. He's not. He's very handsome, I thought. Can you be a toy boy at 61? I was going to say, he's no spring chicken. No. But he looks, he looks really, he's dashing.

He's dashing. Oh, he's lovely. I wouldn't say no to that. There's not. I bet there's still some lead in his pencil. Which is very apt. Well, she didn't want people to think, in case she paid off the, well, I say paid off, that makes it sound like some horrible arrangement.

But she did sort of have to give the children their inheritance early. Yeah. Understandably, they were somewhat concerned by the stranger. They thought he was some sort of... Fortune hunter. Yeah, that's what they called him. Gold digger. Not fair.

It's a big... I mean, it's... He will get some money, though, if anything happens to him, presumably. I like the idea that he just loves her. I think he... I don't think he does get any money out of it. I think he's waived his right to any. I think he's said, no, I'm not bothered. I'm in it for the fun.

Yeah. I'm in it just... I just want to get some pictures of me on MySpace. I can understand that. I'm in a... 85, though. I don't know how long they went out. They go out for a long time. They met at a Madrid cinema. I know quite a lot

about it. They met at a Madrid cinema. How do you meet someone at a cinema? It's dark. And there's a film on. Why do you think she managed to pull him back? It wasn't that dark. Did the film break down? Yeah.

Yeah, well... Is she a Spanish version of, like, a five-to-two-er? Like, in a nightclub? What's that mean? You know, if I was sitting with him... Yeah, you could be right. You'd need more than be a goggle. But we shouldn't be unkind.

No. No. I like the idea... If you're dating an 85-year-old, you know, and they're 20 minutes late, you don't think, I've been stood up, you think, they're dead. It's a different way of dating. I move on. Exactly.

What am I going to do? They're dead. 45 minutes and you're already scattering about for someone else. Well, I don't know about that. I think, you know, you don't phone the hospital, you phone the mortuary. I mean, it is, though. You know about that. I think, you know, you don't phone the hospital, you phone the mortuary. I mean, it is though. Imagine saying to me, you know, after

the wedding night, would you like breakfast in bed tomorrow? Well, let's wait and see. Let's not commit too early. Don't make any promises you can't keep. Oh, I do want their... There's something lovely about it.

I love the idea that he does really love her. I love that. It's not a money thing. And I have no problems with the age gap. There's apparently a 26 year age gap and I think for the people that have a problem with that, if she was to just go out with a 26 year old as well, would that be fine?

She could even it up. Well, exactly. I'd think less of her to be honest i like a twilight romance though because i also think it seems more sensible you know what you're getting you're not spending every day thinking oh i hope the age all right did you say like a toilet roman no i do but i also like a twilight oh a twilight romance yeah yeah because then you don't and also this one we factor doesn'tui factor doesn't set in. Well, there's a lot of that. She's got a bag. Yeah.

Oh, no. I don't think she has. I think he just runs down the pencil. Anyway, good, if they're listening. There's a certain logic to it. Because one of the things that I've always thought was weird was when people pay granny prostitutes. Because I just don't get it.

Is that what they pay grannies nowadays? But you know what I mean when people go to granny prostitutes? It always confuses me. Can we say prostitutes then? We can. Surely, surely. It's a word, isn't it? I'm uneasy, but carry on. OK, well, my point being that I just don't think there's any point in that

because I like him think I could still pull a granny I think why pay for what you could get by just a few whispered kind words on a cold evening playing bingo and being nice to be honest it's just a subtle diplomatic way of just giving them a few bob

you know they're all living on the bread line now, the grandmas. Oh, right, yeah. You see, you put that in your pocky. It's like that. It's a nice... What's that? Yeah. You know what I mean, though? It's... Here is 20 quid.

No, no, Avi. Get yourself some biscuits. It's not sordid. Go down the older condemned food shelf. Yeah, it's condemned food. Yes. No, I think that's an act of kindness. You know, it's dressed up as whoring.

You could say that, but not prostitutes. Well, I'm not sure about that. I'm uneasy. I'm desperate to move on. All right. Well, good. Because we can talk about me on the tube. Oh, that's...

Extraordinary. OK, you on the tube. I was on the tube, yes. Last week I went on the tube. You? Tube? Yes, I did go on the tube. No, I said you. Tube. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Rhianna was on the tube as well, not so long ago. I saw that. Rhianna was on the Tube as well, not so long ago. I saw that. Rhianna was on the Tube? Yeah, she got the Tube to her gig. And the papers were excited about it. She was topless in a field in Northern Ireland. Is she the new face of Where's Wally? Either that or the career is on the decline.

Yes, on the tube. She's gone from being shoe-downs of being Fields to catching the tube, yeah. It makes sense, though. It's much quicker, isn't it? To get to the O2. Or do you think it was a publicity stunt? I think it was a publicity stunt.

And we'll be able to find out if the papers are just as keen on the news that I'm going to go to my gig at the Bloomsbury Theatre on a Boris bike. We'll see if they're that interested then, eh? We'll see how that goes. Well, unlike Rihanna, my trip didn't pass without incident. I had two incidents.

Two? Hang on. Unlike Rihanna, my trip didn't pass. I'm just trying to work my way through all those negatives, see where we end up. You'll find there's a lot of negatives in my speech. Oh, OK. So I saw a lady, Frank.

It's not strange in itself, you may say. But a gentleman gave up his seat for her. So whenever that happens, I look over. I'm a little bit Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect. I just want to be a bit forensic and check if the bump's there. OK. I didn't see a bump. I saw maybe a three-course lunch the day before.

I didn't see what I'd called a pregnancy. X-ray vision? Well, yeah, I'm pretty forensic, I told you. OK. So I thought, hmm, why has he given his seat up? She sat down, she was reading a book, it was called After the Birth. Oh, OK.

Well, to me, that's fairly scant evidence on which to give your seat up. Well, I then sat next to this scant evidence on which to give you a seat up. Well, I then sat next to this woman. Well, I grabbed that seat when I saw it because I wanted to examine what she was doing. She was reading the book and she was making, like, little proof marks, like, extract.

And I thought she was obviously, like, an editor or whatever, she was obviously adapting it or in publishing. Did you smell any wine on the bed? She was a charlatan. She was a complete charlatan. She didn't deserve that seat, Frank. No no but he might have just been standing up for a lady he might not have thought i mean it's quite a risk isn't it standing up because someone's

pregnant because they might just be fat she was exactly she was a journalist games to play in public it's uh pregnant or fat it's a lovely it's a lovely lovely game you should you should maybe phone waddington see if they could make it a board game. I honestly think it could be a TV series. Oh. With a theme tune. Pregnant or fat, pregnant or fat. Red or black works. It could be like Blankety Blank.

Yeah. Pregnant or fat, pregnant or fat. Pregnant or fat, pregnant or fat. Pregnant or fat. Yeah. We play pregnant or fat quite a lot. I don't think it's a kind game. What if it was overheard by the target?

Well, you have to play it subtly. Okay. You've got a big thing with PR. I don't want the wrath of Chunky on me, do I? I don't want the tube, do I? You never want the wrath of Chunky. No. But, Frank, I just thought, frankly, I thought she was despicable.

Oh. I'm sorry, I think she's the worst woman in the UK. What, the copywriter? Yes, because you can't... That guy thought she was pregnant. She was a journalist who'd eaten too much. That is not pregnant. No, but he...

She might have been sparing him the embarrassment of saying, oh, actually, I'm not pregnant. Because if he did that, he'd have thought, oh, God, I've got to... She was clutching her stomach like a Victorian melodrama. Oh. I'm sorry. Well, that was incident one.

Incident two... I stood up for an 85-year-old lady last week. Did she think she was pregnant? No, they played... I was watching Montenegro, England, and they played the National Anthem. I always stand up for the National Anthem at home when I watch it go.

Do you? I do. And I stand up and I'm silent for the national anthem at home when I watch a game. Do you? I do. And I stand up and I'm silent for the minute, if there's a minute's silence before a game on the telly. I respect that. I do the minute's silence. And at the end of the minute's silence, I always go, Come on! Come on!

Which is what people always do at the end of minute's silence. I've never really worked out. That's the respect out of the way. I love this image of Paul Caffey. Let's get aggressive again. The cat's got used to it now. Well, exactly. So incident two, Frank.

Sitting next to a man. He didn't seem that remarkable looking, if I'm honest, but then he whipped out a book, and it was an actor's script. I got very excited. How can people do that? I've seen that before. I think if you're an actor,

you can't get your script out, can you? Isn't that just the most hoity-toity thing ever? Quite actory. It certainly is. Well, I'll tell you what else he had, Frank. He'd whipped out one of those highlighter pens. You know when actors mark down their dialogue? He'd done that. Oh, he'd done all that. See, you you know when actors marked down their dialogue he'd done that like pointedly get a room yeah get a rehearsal room that's what i'd have shouted at him so did you uh did you get get to gawp at what the script was

oh what do you think of course i did well i looked at the characters names i was straining my eyes and i i'm hoping you guys can help me because i can't work out what this play is an existing play so the characters were the dramatist person i were stubs character called stubs character called the ambassador and betchman betchman as in Sir John Betjeman. OK. Now, it all seemed very strange. I tried to look at the dialogue. I think he might have been Stubbs, the actor. But the ambassador, all I saw,

his one line of dialogue I saw was, of course you did. You see, I think it's, didn't Sir John Betjeman do a Ferrero Rocher advert with Una Stubbs. Playing herself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, that sort of Una, Una, Una Stubbs.

Left shoes loose, but her right shoe rubs. I wonder what it would be like, wouldn't it? A little bit of Sir John Betjeman there on the idiosyncrasies of Ewan Stubbs Footwear. Yeah. I mean, it's probably some obscure play. Well, I wondered whether Mike Reid had had a hand in it. He's very fond.

I don't know if you're familiar with this, but do you know Mike Reid? I only call him Sir Mike Reid. Not Mike Reid of, not Frank Budge and Mike Reid. The pop quiz Mike Reid. Do you know Mike Reid who used to present Saturday Superstore and was a DJ? He put on a play, didn't he, Frank, about

Betjeman? Did he? Oh yeah, that's one of his favourites. He did Oscar Wilde and Sir John Betjeman. Ran for one night, if one can use the word ran. I think Sir John Betjeman. Ran for one night, if one can use the word ran. I think Sir John Betjeman was about three nights. Is that right? It could have been. Maybe that's being brought back. He did say his time would come.

I presumed he was discussing some sort of execution, but maybe that's Sir John Betjeman. That's incorrect. So if anyone knows, I'd like our listeners, they might be familiar with this. Somebody might, yeah. There might be someone who's working on it.

The actor might be a listener. He won't be a listener, will he? Why not? How old is he? I'd say he could play. Playing age. Yeah, playing age. Anything from 38 through 50.

Okay, so it's like the breakthrough years for Sir John Betjeman, if he's got that part. Do you think on the actor's CV it says, can grow a full beard? Yes. Do you think he's... I suspect in his spotlight photo, there's one picture that's without hat.

Nice. Which shows the versatility. That's true. Frankie got off at the Angel Islington, which is quite a sort of trendy artsy bar, isn't it, in London? I smell fringe. Yeah, I'm smelling fringe. To be honest.

I'm smelling fringe. Yeah, off-Broadway. Yeah, yeah, he's off-off. Can't grow a full beard in three days. But he deserves what he gets, really, for reading his script on the tube. I think that's unacceptable. He might, well, he was probably at work for the rest of the day, wasn't he? No, but you know there's things you just don't... Probably script on the tube. I think that's unacceptable. He might, well, he was probably at work for the rest of the day, wasn't he?

No, but you know there's things you just don't, there's things you don't read on the tube. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. I only did it once. Yeah. Don't want to be reading that.

I mean, I wouldn't read The Book of Mormon on the tube. Because, you know, people... You're going to end up leaving with seven or eight girlfriends. On a good journey. Yeah, on a good journey. And covered in salt.

No, I don't know. I think some of it is ostentatious. I think you're right. I don't have a tube story, but I have a metro story. The other day, after coming back from the show in London, I went back to Manchester, where I live, and there's now a metro. And I took a little gamble, because it's only recently opened where I live. How are you spelling that gamble? You didn't just take a little gamble because it's only recently opened where I live. How are you spelling that gamble?

You didn't just take a little gamble with excitement. Both ways, actually. Oh, look at that. I jumped onto the metro without a ticket. I'm going to admit it. Thinking, because it's there, I'll just jump on and it's not many stops. I'll risk it and if I get caught, I'll say, it's only just started here

and I don't. Do you think that's what that bloke thought about the Dodgers of Alba? Yeah, it's only a few stops. If it's there I'll jump on and it's only a few stops. Anyway, I'm on thinking right, let's get going and then the Metro

doors got held open by some guys in MetroLink jackets. And I thought, oh, the game's up. I'm going to get rumbled. And then they hold the doors open for an entire wedding party to get on. This is true. Congering. No, they weren't congering.

They all get on. I thought that's how they travel, generally. I was delighted that it was the wedding party rather than just a ticket inspection, because I was standing there, I'm already rehearsing stories, like, oh, I just didn't have the chance and I've forgotten. I've got Mr Luke Cole's number, I think he does Tube Journeys as well. Too dear. I'd rather just pay the fine.

And then the wedding party get on, with photographers from the Manchester Evening News, and I'm now staring at my feet thinking... Oh, so it's a theme, the Metro wedding. Well, what it was was, yeah, they're the first wedding party that used the Metro or something, that line. And then I'm standing there and the tube starts moving.

Tube, Metro, you know what I mean. Tram. Yeah. And I'm standing there and the groom comes up to me and puts his hand out and goes, the cockerel. Good to meet you. Really? Yeah. turns out he's a long-time listener first time call yeah and he was really nice about the show and i had to confess to him look i feel a bit

self-conscious because i haven't got a ticket and and you've all got you and your wedding party and and the assembled photographers, the MEN. But it was all fine and he seemed like a nice bloke. I can't remember his name now. David, I think, maybe. But David, hello and congratulations. You could have got lost in the throng anyway. Yeah, I was hoping to blend in. Hard ducks and gangly. Did they tie tin cans and that to the back of the Metro?

I don't think so. They should have gone ribbons. That would have been a nice touch, wouldn't it? I like all the old traditions. This is one of those things, missed it, missed the opportunity. I think the Duchess of Ulver actually threw the wreath at her

wedding. There was a guitar made out of flowers and guitar. Yeah. Made out of flowers. And mum. Yeah. So, um... What else? I'll tell you what else.

Oh, yeah. Mr Average is what else. Mr Average. I know that sounds like a curious sentence. But, Frank, apparently... Have you read this? There was a study recently. It says six out of 10 women

actually prefer Mr Average to they describe it as a tall blonde Adonis oh really? well apparently it's saying that women want more dependable kind of nice low key men they're actually off the idea of the big beefcake

and shorter as well apparently under 6 foot rather than over six foot. I think that's a bit 70s now to want a fella over six foot. That's gone. Now it's under six foot. I bet Mr Average had a terrible shock on his wedding night.

I know, sorry, that was Mr Average. Well, there is a... I have actually... I spoke to a behaviourist on a TV show, what I did, and we spoke about this very phenomenon. And he, the theory behind it is, if you can take all these things back to the caveman days, right? And with the cavemen, there was the big honky, as you say, the blonde, I don't know how many blondes. No, Mark Little's interesting on this.

Yeah. And, yeah, and you got the blonde savages. Not what I can't constantly come down to. You've got the honky, strong, sexy, savage men, and then you've got the equivalent of your modern-day sort of Mr. Average, a bit gentle. And the women were happy to have wild physical pleasure with the big men, but the reason they went for your average is they hang around

and they look after your children and blah blah blah whereas the other one moves on they do more, they're better around the house yeah and they'll bring home the velociraptor I mean preferably dead unless they're being pursued

but you know the other one he'll be off. Fighting other battles. Yeah, I can't help but think that this research was done by several average men. That's my feeling on this. There's a lot of them. Yeah. I'm much more into the average man now.

Are you? Yes, my requirements have changed. I've decided that very good-looking people, Frank, they're not going to be around. They're not going to change a bedpan when you get older, are they? really? they're quite selfish good looking people I'm not suggesting that you two aren't good looking both got a lovely quirky charm

no, I accept that I'm not good looking I'm fine I absolutely accept it you're better looking than me we've both got quirky charm there well, I don't know if i've got a quirky charm anymore i've got um you look miserable yeah i think my quirky charm has dissolved into um the maya wow i think your exceptional personalities make you both very handsome

in my eyes i was just thinking i've got a few bob but um yeah but then of course our personalities but yeah i think it's uh i know what you mean i'll tell you something i've noticed is i don't really notice i you know when you sort of notice women in the street yeah i don't mean an horrible salacious way but it's in our natural instincts to at least look admiringly yeah i've i've started looking at women in my age group and and not really bothering with um the youth yeah which i think is quite peculiar yeah i've heard a rumor that you wouldn't even spot a coachload of supermodels if it was right under your nose that's absolutely true you think I'd have smelt the nail varnish coming off. Yeah.

In my end, it's my beginning. We couldn't get a more perfect end to this podcast. So we'll just list the credits. The Not The Weekend podcast was presented by Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. It was produced by frank skinner emily dean alan cochran um it was produced by emma newman and uh now this is a problem because i can't is it sadad sadaric what is it and it was also um a system produced by uh sarah sausages They're sausages. Is that what you said? Sesedich.

Yeah, sesedich. There you go. That's the ending. It's like that bit, you know, when you watch a band and you think this is a good gig and the bloke says, on drums, we have, and you think, oh, I hate this bit, but we'll clap and get it done. You know, you've been paid. Just shut up about who you are as individual.

So that's it. And I'm looking for an ending. I think you've been paid to shut up about who you are as individuals. I can't think of anything better. Maybe we could get that knocked up onto a T-shirt.