The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Absolute Radio - Obscure Crush

Episode Date: November 5, 2011

Frank, Emily and Laura Solon talk about Halloween parties, obscure crushes and Wayne Rooney's extraordianry acting debut.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank, Frank, Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and I'm also with Laura Soler. One boy, two little girls.

Yeah, how marvellous. So, yes, the cockerel has flown the roost today. He's on tour. I don't know where he's on. We should plug his show. A barnyard somewhere near you. Yeah, just... I mean, do you have to plug the show?

Just look it up. So, Laura is very much an absolute bona fide. I'm looking for friend of the show. I can't find... Oh, there it is. Friend of the show. Yes, it's... Oh, thank you. Oh, there it is. Friend of the show. Yes, it's... Oh, thank you.

Yes, so lovely to have you on, Laura. And I won't start with the how are you. I hate it when people say how are you and things. Okay, something awful has just come out. Can I just say that I like that? It demonstrates your tolerance. I hate it when people say how are you. With a slightly pitying voice.

How are you? You know, I'm phoning to that and they say, all right, all right. I've got Dave on the line. All right, Dave, how are you? I'm good, thanks, Dave. How are you? I'm good. Yeah, that's dead time to me.

You get trapped in it. I'm fine, thanks. How are you? I'm fine, thanks. How are you? Yeah, you know, we're not doctors. We're guessing. Let's face it, at best, we could be harbouring, you know.

I've actually got a bit of a tight hamstring. Have you? Yeah. I've heard that. I can hear it from here, actually, like a terrible, like a child learning the violin. If you want to text us about anything, you can do it on 8-12-15, like what you can every week. But that's it, 8-12-15, love to hear from you. That's a little bit of DJ occasionally just squeaks out of me.

So, yes, welcome to Laura. And you're an international star now. Last I read of you on Chortle, the comedy website. The barometer of international stars. He likes to have a little look at Chortle. It said you were doing American things. I have sold a script to the Americans. What was it?

Was it an old Fools and Horses? Yeah, yeah. One that you bought on the internet. Yeah. I just Americanised everything. I turned every other word into sidewalk. I took yous out of words. No, I just sold a script, so that's very exciting.

It is exciting, isn't it? Very exciting. A bit too exciting, if you don't mind me saying. Oh, OK. We're stuck here at Absolute Radio. How dare you say that? I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, and I mean that from my heart,

both my left and right ventricles. Don't mention heart. I can kiss this job goodbye. Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, so, yes, so me and Em, just to make you feel, just to remind you of the outsider, we went to a fabulous showbiz Halloween party. Oh, whose fabulous showbiz Halloween party was it?

It was Ken Holmes, the Chinese chef. Was it? No, it wasn't, actually. I would have gone if he'd have invited me. Oh, I would have gone to that. But I'm hoping there'll be a new year one soon. I don't know. Don't the Chinese have a new year, what is it, every six weeks?

There's always a lantern up in Chinatown. It's a new year of an animal all the time. Do they have England Town in China? With fish and chips? You're looking at me as if I... Well, I'm thinking of you now as our international correspondent. You've been to America. What's China like? I like China. I like England town. People getting drunk, presumably,

and throwing chairs at nine in the morning. I think that would be all right. So it was... I went as... Laura asked which celebrity. I'll answer Frank's for being a bit coy. I won't be. Oh,

no. Sylvester McCoy? Yeah, it was him. It wasn't, it was Jonathan Ross's Halloween party. It was.

Which is quite the calendar date. As a member of the 99% who weren't at Jonathan Ross's Halloween party, what were the amazing stories? Well,

I went as, as a priest the amazing stories? Well, I went as a priest. Which one? Judas. All of them. Okay, I was a bit loud. No, I went as just, well, I sort of

had a priesting. I'll tell you something, I let myself down in a way because ideally any costume you wear at a fancy dress party shouldn't need a footnote. No. You know, and you have to explain. So when I arrived, the press said, well, one of them shouted, where's your tart, Frank?

Because you know, vicar's and tarts. Oh, I'm so glad I wasn't with you. Well, they wouldn't have shouted it then, so it would have been all right. Yeah, so I did one of these, one of my, you know, you have to do a hit and run joke. So I said, well, don't worry, there'll be plenty inside. Ah, I'd gone. It's a technique that I've developed, hit and run.

It's because I've got a 24-hour receptionist at my flat, so I have to say something on my way to the lift, and I like to leave them on a laugh. So I walked in the other day with a ukulele, and he said, Oh, you've been busking, Frank? I said, Well, I've got to pay for these service charges somehow.

The lift doors, I was gone. What if the lift is out of order? Then I have to do a whole routine. I did an hour and a quarter. DVD! Hour and a quarter with an engineer behind me on his knees doing the cable. It was tough up there, I tell you. I got through three receptionists.

So, yeah, so I went as, well, as sort of the exorcist, but basically a priest. I thought it was the costume of the night. I did. I loved it. I've never felt more at home in a fancy dress costume. Was there an award for the costume of the night? Or was there a a consensus no jimmy carl's was pretty good wasn't it he came as a well he came as a gorilla holding jimmy car in the cage it's hard to decide so he was the legs of the gorilla but he was also the top and then he had it around him yeah it's very it was clever. It was along the lines of the ostrich thing.

Oh, yeah. Oh, come on, help me out. Bernie Clifton. Bernie Clifton, yeah. I should know that. He phoned the show once. He did. He's a friend of the show.

Oh, God, if he's listening, I can only apologise, Bernie. Yeah, it was a bit like that. So you didn't know where the costume stopped and Jimmy Carr started. But, you know, I've always thought that. Oh, fine! So, yeah, he probably... But I have to say, Emily, and it pains me to say this, looked absolutely amazing,

even though she represented the worst film ever made. And maybe we'll come back to that in a second. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. We were talking about our various Halloween parties. You went to a Halloween party, Laura, didn't you? Yes, I went to a Halloween party. It was a work Halloween party. It was a work event, sort of.

An agency party. Does that mean you got off with someone? Yeah. Okay. We'll come back to that no i should say that emily um i left a slight teaser i think before the music emily was um well who were you emily well i was i was stiff with stress laura before for the big reveal for frank to see my costume and i could you were talking to michael mcintre, and I crept up behind you, and I tapped you on the shoulder, in a slightly 70s fashion,

in a Guess Who form, and then you spun round with that dog collar. But actually, well, I was Black Swan, and it's Frank's worst film. You were Black Swan? I thought you were Claudia Winkleman. I saw the eyeliner, and I put two and two together and got five. You mentioned Claudia Winkleman as Black Swan. That would have been difficult because Claudia Winkleman was there as well.

Claudia was there. What did she go as? I don't know. I said to my... Michael McIntosh. I always call him Mic Mac. I lapsed into him there. I was so showbiz.

He had an elaborate outfit of hats and blood and scarves and i said what have you come out he said um i don't actually know what the costume is i thought that's he came up to me at one point franklin can you tell me what i've come out he said i saw it in a packet i put it on i don't know what it is he did that to me at a party once. It wasn't even a fancy dress. I'm not a fancy dress aficionado. No? I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. I told you, that's why you've been booked.

Yeah. Oh, this is a bit embarrassing. If you've ever had to hire one, and you have to go there, and they have this sort of what's like a leather-bound pub menu. You know, a big book. Like the karaoke book. And you go a big book. Like the karaoke book. And you go through it. You know the karaoke book that you get given.

That's always exciting. And it's full of pictures of their unwilling spouses or employees dressed up in the... And the whole thing just makes me feel a bit depressed. I'm obviously going to the wrong kind of fancy dress shop. Well, I like the sound of the one. You've got elements of Reader's Wives about it. It is. And you leaf through and then you've got to pick one out.

And I think with fancy dress, you either have to have the most amazing costume or you just wear normal clothes. Because you can't, as you say, you can't be half there. Well, I thought my Vicar one was the Daily Mail said, Frank Skinner didn't make much of an effort. Yes, I saw that. I didn't want to talk about it.

No, well, yes. There were a few same-dress nightmares, though. Oh, really? Same costume right now? There were two orange boiler suits, I noticed. Louis Theroux and Danny Baker. Well, there were two black swans, let's face it. Yes. There was a point they were chatting.

Can you name some other celebrities? Birds of a feather. Some other celebrities? Yeah, name this thing. Well, I can't name many of them, because I didn't really know until the next day because they all had costumes on and I couldn't tell you that. What's the point of being a celebrity?

You've got to cover your face up. I didn't know John Bishop was there until I read it in the paper. No. I didn't know that. And the man, Sherlock Holmes was there. Oh, Benedict Cucumber. Yeah. And he had bandages all over his face.

What's the point of being a big star like him? What's the point of being a beautifully talented actor? David Williams was a creepy medieval executioner. Yeah, he was. It's funny, he was medieval executioner, so less creepy. I've never met him when he's been less creepy. No, he looked good. He had teeth being gone as well.

I'm afraid that David Baddiel fell into the same trap as me, as he had to explain who he was. I won't say who he was, because he had a slightly bad taste, but he was a British serial killer. A very mean man. And he had a laminate with a picture of the real man on it. So he was the same as me, he had to explain. You know when impressionists used to say things like,

I wonder what Tommy Cooper would make of this before they become Tommy Cooper. That would be terrible, actually. A woman came up to me who I think was drunk and said... Oh, God. My ex-boyfriend was a big fan of yours. And it was like I needed maybe ten minutes on my own to pass that sentence. Yeah.

P-A-R-S-E. There's a lot of agendas in that sentence. Yeah, because there was, first of all, a suggestion, well, I'm not, because if he's a big fan, we'll even bring up another one. Ex-boyfriend, there was the past tense. That's why they fell out. Yeah, he doesn't like you anymore. Or I killed him. It was the whole...

That, to me, it set the whole evening on edge. Yeah. My ex-boyfriend. Who wants to talk about your ex-boyfriend? Get off me. That was how it went. That was how the conversation went. I touched...

Frank, I touched a... I thought a zombie's costume was great. So I touched his belly. Because I thought that was the best part of the costume. And it was his real stomach. Oh, no. That's sombre. Enough Halloween.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, you were talking earlier about how you loathed it when people said, how are you? It's just a waste of time. We've had a text in in response to that. This is from... Was it on 8-12-15? loathed it when people said, how are you? It's just a waste of time. We've had a text in in response to that. Was it on 8-12-15?

It was. Good. This is from Andrea. I hate being greeted with how are you also. I take a lot of calls from the police. They are the worst offenders. Bring on the fall. Are they the worst offenders? They are the worst offenders. They always want to know who you are.

I mean, when they ask how you are, though, they generally delve. Well, they delve all right. I don't like delving. I mean, generally speaking. So, well, that's good. She sounds like my kind of girl. Is it Andrea? Andrea, yes.

Fab. Now, Frank, I'd like to talk to you and Laura about something new in my life. Is it the moment? Well, I've developed a rather unlikely crush. Now, it's a recent addition to my crush list. Which includes Vince Cable, I should tell Laura. And Henry VIII. Just to give you a taster.

Curious selection there. But I don't like your Brad Pitt's or your Johnny Depp's, to beaster. Curious selection there. But I don't like your Brad Pitt's or your Johnny Depp's, to be honest. It's too obvious. No, that's what I think. I don't like your usual crush fodder. What I like is my most recent addition is Son of Disgraced Canoe Man who faked his own death, John Darwin. Oh, there's two sons, aren't there? Yeah, there's two, but I like Anthony Darwin.

Is he spectacles? No, well, a picture of him popped up. I was reading an article, I was reading an interview with John Darwin, and his son, this is the trouble you see, the only material I have, it's all courtroom exterior. He doesn't have a calendar or a DVD. Does he appear on any of those court artists? You know, the court artists, the pastel drawings.

Wouldn't he like a court caricaturist, though? Wouldn't that be better? Oh, you could give that to me for a Christmas present, a framed photo. I find they're very flattering, the court artists. Was it you who said you'd met one? Yeah, I met one. Actually doing a court painting outside the Westminster thingy courts. She was just doing it on the street.

Yeah. I asked her if she sold them, but apparently they don't. I'd love a gallery of, you know, the great crimes. And some minor crimes. I don't think they bring them in for the minor crimes. Speeding. Speeding crimes, yeah. Yeah, they don't get in for that.

So you fancy one of the Canoe Man's sons. Which is quite obscure. You do like them gullible. Well, I do. Yeah. I can imagine you getting him saying, how come you was out all night? You say, I drowned.

Right? Leave it at that. But I've decided, Frank, it's so obscure, my crush. I've got a name for it, The O.C. The O.C.? The Obscure Crush. Oh, OK. That's not my...

I don't know if you can use The O.C. on Absolute Radio. I think it's already been taken. It's not my only O.C. either. No. I have another one. Mohammed Al-Fayed's ex-spokesman, Michael Cole. Oh, yeah, he was a babe. Silver Fox.

I don't remember him. That's the point of an OC. I'm just so relieved that you carried on talking after you said Mohamed Al-Fayed. If that had been the obscure crush, that would have been really terrible. Yeah. Well, actually, I would have thought you'd had a chance

with the Canoe Man song. With Anthony Darwin. That's it, because when people have crushes on Brad Pitt, they've got a chance with the Canoe Man song. With Anthony Darwin. That's it, because when people have crushes on Brad Pitt, they've got no hope but the Canoe Man song. That's what I like about an OC. It's achievable. Achievable crush. Well, I've had a few strange ones.

Who are your ones? I've mentioned a lot on the show. Zola Bod was one of mine. Judith Kepler from Egghead. Jessie Eisenberg, which is a strange one. That's very... Yeah. I don't know about Crush.

I do, I think, he's strangely alluring. Rachel Amatt. Who's that? She's a news reporter. She's a blonde-haired and she has a very... How can I put this?

She's attractive, but she has a very flat face. Very flat-nosed flat. And this is what I find alluring. It looks like her face is pressed up against my TV screen, trying to get at me in some way. And, um, do you know her? Rachel Amatt.

I'm stuck. Very intelligent, but... Like, I think back off a bit, Rachel. Let's see... Yeah, and she's like a child looking into a sweet shop. I imagine it me. I could be wrong. I'm sure there's more to this, but I'd like to know,

in the meantime, before we get any deeper, I'd like to know what obscure crushes our listeners have. And I'm excluding myself from this, just on the off chance. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had some texting on 8.12.15. We've had...

Und. That's what they say on German radio. Und. Does Emily want to canoodle with the sun? Canoodle with the sun of the canoe, man. I love it. If she does, she'll be up Creek with... Anyway.

Being up there already. My crush has lasted 35 years. It's Mr. Dave Bartram of Shawoddy Woddy. I've met him a few times and he's lovely. That's 047. I know which one he is. Sorry, what was that from? 047.

Oh, yes. I know him well. Long time for a crush. Yeah, Dave Bartram. I see crushes as these temporary things that come and go. Yeah. I like the sound of this, though, because Dave Bartram, he must have changed a lot in 35 years.

He's the one, he's sort of, I mean this in the nicest kind of way, he's the sort of chipmunk look of a character to him. Very straight, dark hair. I believe that's the Dave Bond. You know, even at the mention of Shawaddy Waddy, I find myself desperate to clap like this. That's two to the left, one to the right. Left, right, left, right.

There you go. That's a good crush. Yes. We've had another text in. This is from Baz with the Three Rotties. Oh, I remember him, yeah. He's got three Rottweil. We've had another text in. This is from Baz with the three rotties. Oh, I remember him. Yeah, he's got three rottweilers who've got their own bed. I think it used to be his bed, but he was terrorised out of it.

Baz says, Frank, you should have texted me you were going as a vicar. You could have taken my rotties and been the vicar from the omen. I like it. Yeah. Would have had a bit more of a... Is it a vicar or a priest in the omen? Discuss. Oh, that's...

Yes, because I thought I'd gone as a priest, but all our Protestant listeners are determined that I've definitely gone as a vicar. A vicar's like a cuddly, fainty, flapjacky, non-horror movie job, whereas a priest... You're right. ...sinister, exorcism...

Yeah, you're quite right. I agree with that. I did drink tea at one point at about midnight yes I know I made it for you that was fairly vicar-esque, well you did make it for me thank you so much Frank my obscure crush is you sorry not my words but the words of 564

thank god for that I get the feeling you're a control freak coasters and deleting accounts you are a challenge you are a control freak, coasters and deleting accounts. You are a challenge. You are a challenge. What a great chat-up, like. You are a challenge. You're a puzzle.

That's from Kathy. That's from Kathy. No, it's not. No. Who is it from? There's only a number. That's all right. It's from 564.

564. I like the idea of going out with someone who I just know as 564. That appeals to me. I'll tell you who I had a big crush on. Do you remember there was an American sitcom called Rhoda? Oh, yes. Valerie... Valerie Harper played Rhoda,

but she had a sort of supposedly frumpy sister called Brenda. Hollywood TV frumpy. Hollywood TV frumpy, which means beautiful when she takes her glasses off. Oh, I know her. Very deep voice. I like that. Yeah, and I was mad about the sister. And at school they'd say, the sister.

And then she's now the voice of Marge Simpson, that actress. And apparently lives a very away-from-it-all kind of life and shuns all publicity. And that's why I think a recluse who does funny voices has always been my sort of dream, my dream woman. I've developed rather a crush on Vladimir Putin lately. I think that he's the short-sighted woman's Daniel Craig. I think that you might have something there.

I've actually got quite a crush on him. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's good. The concussed woman's Daniel Craig. I think he'd be a challenge as well. I think he'd be a challenge. Yeah, he's a man who'll get his shirt off at the drop of a hat.

Yeah, on a horse. Oh, that's good to know. Oh, Frank, I've got one as well. I've forgotten. Michael Faraday. But only... What, the man who invented electricity or something? I've only seen him on £20 notes.

Oh, my goodness, he was hot. Yeah, well, you would go for someone who's on the currency. How typical of you. And you know what? I can't picture him. What did he do? He didn't invent electricity. He was a physicist, yeah.

But he's associated with a major discovery. Well, I know Einstein was a big fan of his. Is that right? Yeah. I love the fact that Einstein had an obscure crush on him as well. Einstein. He was like, oh, that's what made his tongue hang out. Frank.

Frank. Frank. Skimmer, Frank Skimmer, Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to discuss Kim Kardashian. Now, Kim Kardashian, that's an interesting person. I wouldn't know Kim Kardashian if she came into this room now. Really? But there's about nine stories about her in the paper every day. I think she might be a computer generated

construct that's been developed in order to feed the tabloids. I'm not sure that she's a real person. I think there's probably a computer called something like the KK11 that produced her, and probably produced Kerry Katona, especially for us. Watch out for the KKK thing.

Don't watch out for the KKK. Watch out for the KKK, something I'd happily have as a trailer. The computer might be responsible for Kenneth Kendall. That's a fabulous reference. That's more Casey. Yeah, that's Casey we're all right with. But no, what is Kim Kardashian? Oh, with a Kim Kardashian.

It's a big question. Well, she's got herself into a bit of a... But what one is she? Does she have music? She's a reality star. And that's it? Yeah, that's her job. All the KKs are reality stars. But no, she's got married, Frank.

This may have escaped your notice, but she got married. It was a $10 million wedding or something, I think they spent on it. And it only lasted for 72 days. She's had enough already. Do you know this? 72 days is around about the gestation period of a guinea pig. Oh, yes. I think we've seen that that's how you measure because some laura that's so brilliant is that the child in jerry maguire

because you know when you measure things in terms of blue whales football pitches or stadiums though all those measurements of distance i was just wondering if measurements of time should be in terms of gestation periods of guinea pigs yes one so yeah so it's one gestation a kardashian is now a unit of time maybe so that'd be good yeah but do you think she should give the ring back well the mother doesn't think she should she's quite formidable that mother she's a bit of an andy murray yes she says isn't she you wouldn't want to date no she's a bit except she doesn't go come on yeah every two minutes she says how much was the ring two million dollars i mean anyone who buys a two million pound engagement yeah how do you deserve to be heavily deceived yeah that's the way i see it

is it a wedding ring or the engagement ring it's the big diamond yeah she says um it's a ring she said it's a gift you don't return a gift and then she said it's a gift that came with conditions as in forever i don't think that applies so there was a time when people could be sued for things like uh breach of promises all that's gone there it's all gone a bit vague oh that's good to know will she will she still be she won't still wear it she's not gonna wear a second it's gonna end up in you know those little pots you get by the telly a gift from great yarmouth with a five cent piece yeah with a used stamp yeah one of those things used to

thread needles that's yeah those things with like a roman coin on one end what happened to those needle threads it never really worked no i could i could do it but the mother also got in trouble they're very handy for ingrowing hairs oh frank the mother got in trouble because she said um i hate indian givers see i'd never heard that phrase have you not no well we i know it frank yeah i it means someone who gives something and then and then wants it back as in a native american indian yeah you know one of those well just of a native american i think they're called now the ones with the feathers i mean i don't know what you're saying you know you know the ones i mean let

you know the ones that go oh la right? Whatever they're currently called, those. But I always thought that it wasn't an anti-Native American. I thought it was, I always assumed it meant that they were given land by the, let's call them the whiteys, by the whiteys, and then they took it back off what were then known as the Red Indians and now known as the Native Americans. So I thought it was a kind of a, I didn't think it was they took it back off what were then known as the Red Indians and now known as the Native Americans. So I thought it was a kind of a... I didn't think it was they did it.

What do they give and then take back, the Native Americans? Oh, just gifts. Do they? Yes. Is that the norm? They give gifts, yes. Oh, they do gifts, yeah. There's a little Native American gift shop just by us.

Fabulous. Snowglobes. Yeah. All the Dreamcatchers, of course. Yeah. They're big fans of the Dreamcatchers. Frank 610, Kevin Keegan, just another addition to your computer-generated... Kevin Keegan, I think.

I think the original Kevin Keegan was real, the footballer. The night he was hit over the head with a baseball hat on a... Remember he stopped at a motorway lay-by? It's a true story. He was hit with a baseball bat and replaced by the computer-generated Kevin Keegan, who someone said to me recently is the holiest comet of football. Every now and again he re-emerges and goes into a management job. I can't remember who said it.

I would credit you if I could remember, but it was a beautiful image. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Mr Rock and Roll, Amy MacDonald. Coincidentally, I used to have a massive crush on a sort of a comedy-type, dancer-type woman called Amy MacDonald. Used to be on British satire shows.

Funny old world. Next. Julie from Liverpool says, my OC is James Warren, small, earnest, bespectacled singer from Stackridge and spin off the Corgis. Stackridge. Was that Everybody Stanley?

Oh. Come and do the Stanley, everybody Stanley, you can do the Stanley too. We like it. Do you remember it? No, I don't like the Stanley. I sense from your expression that you don't.

Not only do you not remember it, but you already hold it in contempt. Well, I was just thinking of Stanley Knives. I didn't like it. Oh, no. See, Liverpool, you've gone straight to... Actually, there is a Stanley in Liverpool, isn't there? Oh, well, Julie says I've been sweet on him since the mid-70s. I like the fact that she's using the old 70s vernacular there. Yeah, she started out sweet on him and she stuck with the phrase. Yeah.

Good old Julie. Yeah. We've had another text in. This one is from Rebecca in Bradford. Frank, my OC is David Baddiel. Oh. It's an interesting choice, I find. Well, I don't know.

He used to, of course, when he was a young man, he used to get screaming girls at his gigs. He's still got it going on, Uncle David. Yeah, but no-one's ever... If anyone screams at my gig, I assume there's a mouse in the auditorium. What about Krispy Kreme? They couldn't be a computer construct, could they?

They're doughnuts. Yeah. I've realised I had one of those. I've never had one. Well, I used to love them. And I was at Jonathan Ross. Can I say, I'm not sort of any sort of sponsorship deals. And if there's anyone listening, I don't want any.

Because I've found out I can't get through a whole one. Really? And the incomplete circle left me in a sort of an emotional limbo. Mathematical. Yeah, so I'm not even going to try that again. Frank, we've had an email in as well. Is there time to read it? The producer just shook her head and gave me

quite a dirty look. Yes, I was reaching for the advert button. It's okay, fine, leave it. Leave it, there'll be plenty of time. No biggie. Passive aggressive. Yeah biggie. Passive-aggressive. Yeah, exactly. Fine. Sometimes, between 10% and 15% of the audience come back after the news.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm also with Laura Solon today, as I said earlier. One boy. Everybody. Two little girls. Love being a little girl.

Yeah. Love it. I think Elvis goes on to say, three hearts yearning for love, if I remember right. That's getting a bit sleazy. That's what I thought. That's why I didn't do that. Frank and Laura, did either of you manage to catch the Wayne Rooney advert this week?

You betcha. Presented by Matthew Kelly. In case you haven't seen it, this is a wine advert. And if you're a wine company and you want some sort of connoisseur to push your brand... Who's your go-to,oney uh yes it's wayne rooney uh patrice evra i believe and ryan geeks pretty good in it patrice evra he's all right i think ryan geeks it's the three of them discussing the arrival of this new spanish wine is it spanish or is it it's chilean. Chilean, yeah.

And so they say there's a new devil arriving. I don't know if you're aware of this. I don't want to patronise you because I know you're, you know, females love football. But Man United are known as the Red Devil, so it's a kind of an elaborate pun. Yeah. Can I just say that no footballer at Man United

would ever say there's a new devil arriving. Ever. Ever. Might say there's a new Neville arriving. A younger one coming through. But no. So it begins, the three of them are in sombre mood in what looks like a sort of executive bar. Yeah, corporate box. Yeah. Airport lounge.

And Rooney has sort of got his head bowed. He's near to the window. He's doing very good work. Yeah, he's near to the window looking pensive. He's near to the window. He's doing very good work. Yeah, he's near to the window, looking pensive. Not too near to the window. We don't want to come back and he's fringe as he's still attached to the glass. But he turns to them in a remarkable moment

that I'm putting up there with Orson Welles' speech on top of the Ferris wheel from The Third Man. And he says, the boss said that a new devil... And he goes, he sort of starts off, Scouse, the boss said that a new devil is arriving. He's obviously been told. He's told it's going to be in Europe. When he first did it, he obviously went,

the boss said a new devil's arriving. And they said, arriving? What's that? You're going to have to enunciate arriving he does sound a bit like the count from sesame street yeah that's his accent so he starts out as john bishop he goes from john he goes from john bishop to rye fines in the spice of a sentence i like the opening as well he goes guys we have a problem yes a new devil is raving fancy oh it's kind of and then it's like the x factor because the devil is a ball of fire the wine is a ball of fire heading to manchester heading through london landmarks actually well i think the wheel if it's coming from chile yeah i suppose it's gone via the south pole it ends up in london i think doesn't make any sense yeah but yeah but he's not amazing in it no but god but why should he be he reminded me a bit have you ever seen the underdog insurance

adverts with joe pasquale have you ever seen that some of his finest work he's a sort i don't know what kind of an animal he is he looks like a sort like a sort of post-nuclear choc-ice. Text in, what kind of animal is Joe Pasquale? I suppose if it's called underdog insurance, one imagines he's a dog, but he's a sort of very rectangular animal. And he goes up to this creature

and says, you know, I've got an injury and I want compensation. At the end, he says, not so big now, are you? a very and he's had the same thought it he's had the same problem i've had to say that line a hundred times yeah they're going just do it a bit differently mix it up a bit he's thinking what's my voice yeah but he's got now when he does the second one he says you're not laughing now are you and he's gone back to yeah there he's obviously sat at home, heard that you, and thought, that's not really me, is it?

And so he's gone, he's obviously nicked that you from some other actor. The way he nicks so much. Yeah, Ralph Fiennes again. Can I just also say, guys... He's regularly pilfered Ralph Fiennes. I was very concerned about Ryan Giggs' appearance. I mean, I think his performance is the best.

Yeah, he's good. What did you think? He's had a severe cold, maybe flu. I think he's been under a lot of stress. I'd love it if he'd have said, a new devil is arriving. And he'd have said, what, worse than Twitter? That was the moment we were after. What it does, can I just say from a football point of view, none of these three players, when he says a new devil is arriving,

none of them says, but, you know, we can't sign anyone until the January window. Are you suggesting there's been some sort of illegal approach? I really haven't thought this through. That's what happens when wine people make football adverts. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, I saw a story this week uh in the daily mail so it must be true about how a husband secretly fed his wife steroids so she would pile on weight and stay at home to look after the children i saw that that was. Now, I have a feeling that my husband is doing this to me. Well, he's making a lousy job of it.

Just in a slower and more subtle way. Okay. By cooking me a lot of really nice food. Okay. All of the time. Isn't that typical of relationships? You try and cook some nice meals and the wife's thinking, hmm. You're a feeder.

You're trying to fatten me up. It's all this American interest. It's like educating Rita. Remember the husband in that? Oh, yeah. Oh, you're getting out of... I'll be growing a beard getting out the whiskey bottle soon. Yeah.

But this is an interesting concept, though, of whether or not you get jealous of your partner if they if they suddenly either self-improve or just say the same and you you let yourself go a bit and you think i can't there must be a sort of mental equilibrium you have where you think right that's an acceptable level and if you go up or down you've got to to correct that. It's A Star Is Born, isn't it? Yes. It's the bit where James Mason starts out as the big star, or Chris Christopherson, depends on which version,

and then his wife gets more popular and he can't cope. Walks into the sea at the end. I remember watching that with my dad, and my dad said they should have ended with My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean. I said, no, I think that would have killed it dad actually but the great thing about this story is that his daughter said that she heard him in in the night using grinding with his pestle and mortar in the bedroom and i so respect this man even though he's trying to force drugs onto his wife, which is not a good thing. It's very naughty. But let's face it, there but for the grace of God.

But no, he's tried to force steroids onto his wife. But just, he's the only person I've ever known who actually uses their pestle and mortar. I've had one for years. Right. You know, in case you don't know what it is. I'm either way around you, sir. I say mortar and pestle. Oh, do you?

Do you say pestle and mortar? I say pestle and mortar, not pestle. I don't know. That's because no one uses it. That's no one uses it. I use mine for receipts. I do. I put my receipts in there.

It's the pestle. That's the thing that you're... They're very heavy, beautiful looking things. The pestle sticks up in the middle and the receipts sort of hold it. It's like a terrible... If you can imagine a sort of an accountancy-based merry-go-round, it looks like that. But I've never grinded in it.

I don't know what I'd grind. I'm very relieved to hear it. Yeah, but I'd love to grind. I didn't like the sound of the judge in that case, if I may be so bold. Judge Ibrahim Munsi. Oh, him. I didn't like what he had to say. Do you know why?

He said to the husband, you've escaped prison by the skin of your teeth. Well, he'd been grinding them as well, apparently. I don't like a judge who deals in clichés. He sounds like an Emmerdale judge or something. At least it's an old cliche. I haven't heard anyone say you've escaped that by the skin of your teeth for ages. I like a 70s judge.

I wonder what his organs like, the husband. Oh. From the grinding part of you. Oh, I see. I imagine he's ground it to dust, the organ. The poor old monkey is destitute. Unemployed. No, it was a strange tale, I must admit.

Also the implication that if you gain weight, you have to stay indoors. I don't know if that's a happy... No, I wish it were true but unfortunately they're often released into the public No? Yes, sorry Oh my God You'd think there'd be a cut-off

Doors should be made with a sort of plimsoll line where you get to the thing where you think no, I'm going to have to stay in until I... The producer's holding up a sign Stop it No, a funny thing on the subject of that Well, you get to the thing where you think, no, I'm going to have to stay in until I... The juice is holding up a sign. It says, stop it. No, a funny thing, on the subject of that, I passed the other day, I was walking to a party I was invited to, a walking distance away.

What should I pass but that machine that was used to get the Chilean miners up, which is currently on tour and is at present outside the Maritime Association in South London. What's its warm-up act? Well, it just stands there, really. It looks like a sort of open-plan space rocket, but it's very, very narrow. And I thought, the miners, how long were they down there? Because you couldn't have got...

At least at 72, it was at least a Kardashian wedding. Yeah. Guinea pigs had several babies. But a big person could not have gone into this. A big person's probably not a miner, though, because they're a narrow cage. Well, not this narrow. I mean, it was really narrow.

I can imagine them sitting down there saying, you know, just salad for their place. They have to go on the Dukan diet for six weeks. I might get... I'm getting one installed at home to keep me on the straight and narrow carbs-wise. It's right that they must have all been doing sit-ups and stuff, the miners, because it's so narrow. You could just about... You might have got a vole into it, or perhaps some like if a ferret stood on its legs.

It's an amazing thing to see, and it's just on the street. There you go, a little bit of a guide of the current sights of London this weekend. Frank, Frank, Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner, Absolute

Radio. We've had a text in on 845. This is regarding uses for mortar and pestle, or pestle and mortar as you like to call it. I use mine to grind up the sugar cubes I steal instead of buying packets. You could steal packets. Yeah, you can steal packets easily from any good coffee retailer i wonder if there's anyone who has like tiny tiny ice cube trays where they take the packets that they've stolen and turn them into cubes let's put the sugar in with a bit of water and just let it solidify people should steal what

they want not not i'll have to go through some elaborate ritual that's what i think lovely bit of advice there laura solon is with us today and was just saying that this husband, who she's accused of trying to fat her off, in a strange twist in the tale, you've put him on a course. Yeah, I bought him a butchery course for Christmas last year and he hasn't used it because I've been away a lot. I've been away for about four months and he couldn't go on it because after you do the course, you get given a box of meat. How big a box of meat are we talking? it's a box i imagine that means two hands underneath it that's my theory that's your box i think i think it's a sizable amount it's about as big as the

gestation period yes it's half a gestation but in volume rather than three-dimensional rather than time that's so you get a box of meat. So he didn't want to do the course when I was away because he'd do this course with all these new skills, get back and have to eat too much meat on his own because we have a tiny... I'm surprised. I thought they'd just give you an animal of some kind.

Once you've got the butcher course... They give you a big net. Because if they gave you a cow, that'd be the equivalent to taking a flat pack home for a butcher, wouldn't it? And then you assemble it when you get there. Yeah. How long does the butchery course last? I think it's just an afternoon.

Really? Oh, that's worrying. It feels like it's a lifetime skill that you can't, no, you can't. I think it's a lovely thing to do. That sounds like a good thing. At the Marylebone High Street. They give you a chainsaw. Yeah.

And an apron. And then they let you loose yeah that is uh it would be and i'm not suggesting for one second that your husband could turn out to be a serial killer but if he did i would look back at that as a seminal moment i'd have to go on television and distance myself from myself well you're assuming you wouldn't be what if you were a victim they never kill the wives okay because if it was you it would, Solon fonded the butchery course herself. I'd be furious, but I'd be in several pieces and scattered. Yeah, hoisted by your own petard.

I can see you outside the courtroom. Courtroom chic. Now, Frank and Laura, I need to talk to you about something. Oh, I hate it when she says that. No, this is quite bad. I've had a bit of a run-in with an absolute colleague, I'm afraid, this week.

It's all gone a bit to Lisa and Kelly. You're just generating publicity for your show. Is it real? Is it true? I'm going to fly off to North London in a half. Get an illness that means you can't fly back. Yeah, shall I do this in a very... It was great, though, when she phoned in a half. Get an illness that means you can't fly back. Yeah, shall I do this in a very... It was great, though, when she phoned in from LA. The croaky voice.

It was like when you phone in work. I'm coming to the... I love that. Someone did that to me once. I went, my leg. What's your voice quote? My leg, it's in my mouth. Sounded a bit like a goat. Some people get goats to call

in for them for that very reason. So what's your, this is your... Oh, it's awful. Well, I was minding my own business, Googling myself frantically. No, I wasn't. I happened to see on Twitter... I hope all our readers know what Google is.

All our readers? what Google is. All our readers. I like that. We do a lot of radio for the blind. Carry on. So, I was actually forwarded a tweet. And the person concerned is Eloise. Are you familiar with her work? She works on Ian Lee's show. Okay.

How did you bully her? I didn't! This is what she said on the tweet. She was talking about our show and she said that team is huge. I think of you as curvy. That team is huge. Is that a youth word?

Or as they say in Laura Solon's house, that tea is huge when it arrives on the then she said i once heard posh emily saying i was creepy when she thought i couldn't hear her ha ha she writes at the end she writes ha ha she's not laughing i don't i don't like it when people write ha ha because they actually mean the opposite what do they no i think it's like that breezy it's like a breezy laugh. Ha-ha! It means that you're not actually laughing. You're quite a noise.

Could it not be ha-ha? I'm fine. Ha-ha! That kind of laugh. Well, it's hard to know what it is, isn't it? Well, listen, can I just say, Frank, before this gets out of hand to Lisa, I have never called, I can't say I've never called anyone creepy. I've called men at absolute creepy, I'm sure. We always call David Walliams creepy.

But I've never called Eloise creepy. Honestly. I've never had any... Is there another Emily that works here? Well, I don't know, but then Jeff Lloyd. Because you're a posh Emily, and then there's other Emily. Jeff Lloyd suddenly weighed in. Jeff Lloyd got involved.

Yes! One of the A team. Jeff Lloyd said, you probably said I'm creepy too. I Lloyd got involved. Yes! One of the A team. Geoff Lloyd said, you probably said I'm creepy too. I am a bit. I've got a limp handshake and a poor sense of personal space. Well.

And Eloise said, where does the abuse end? Emily. Well, stick around. Where does it end? Where does it end? No one could abuse Geoff Lloyd. He's lovely.

I said, I told him he's adorable. But you wouldn't confuse the name Eloise with Jeff. I mean, that's a nonsense. Totally different parts of the mouth to pronounce those names. Jeff Lloyd was being the Louis Walsh here, wasn't he? He was trying to get between the two cats fighting. Well, they have to switch chairs, don't they? That's the solution.

Yeah. They can't sit next to each other. It reminds me of my childhood when if there was a dog fight, someone would come out of a shop with a big broom and prise them apart. It's a bit like that. Take your broom away. But can I just say, I have no problem with Eloise. But you do now.

A little bit, yeah. No, I don't, but I don't, I never called her creepy. Is she creepy? Correct? Strictly, aren't you? I don't know who she is. I know who she is, but I don't, but I never called her creepy. Is she creepy? Frank? Strictly on to me. I don't know who she is. I know who she is, but I don't know what... I'm sorry, I've never met her, so I can't establish her non-creepiness or creepiness, for that matter.

What I'm worried about is... Women can be creepy, can't they? When she thought I couldn't hear her is what I'm worried about. What is that saying about our ratings? Did you say on the show? Is that the idea? I don't know. I presume so. I once heard Posh Emily saying I was creepy. Posh Emily?

Posh Emily. I'm liking Posh Emily. I can go with that. We can run with that. But I think you've got to be a bit thick skinned in this line of work haven't you? Yeah, that team is huge. How dare you? That team is huge. I remember when Vicky Blight said she wouldn't be happy till I was in the ground I made that up I made that up Vicky Blight would never ever say

that and well no well anyway I'm sorry that I think you girls need to sort this out okay um and we have so because I'm going to send a text that said, I heard that Eloise said that we had a huge team when she thought I couldn't read it. Ha ha! That'll put the fat on the fire, as it were. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. So is the idea that if you've got a huge team, is it like saying, well, anyone can do a radio show

if you've got a huge team i don't know what have we got os plus two that's huge that is huge excessive yeah you're quite right that's because i'm grinding up protein at night putting them in their food you got away with that by the skin of your teeth according to ibrahim mounsi such unusual name. It's odd that he would use such usual language. Can I read this email? Have we had an email? How exciting. Who from? It's from either Matthewks or Matthew Kiss.

I'm not sure. Okay, probably Matthew Kiss. He says, if TV shows are really commissioned solely on the basis of a good pun... Let me stop you there. This is a theory that's been running on the show for a while that there are shows like winton wonderland that was only commissioned which is dale winton's chapter because it's the title was a good pun yeah and only falls on horses yes exactly so if tv shows are really commissioned solely on the basis of a good pun then why isn't izzy sooty presenting a show in which she has to identify

1970s tv show puppets whilst blindfolded is he is he's brilliant i do like that it would be quite a short television well it depends how she had to establish whether it was sooty or not yeah if that was the thing is it sooty or not she had to establish whether it was sooty or not. Yeah, if that was the thing, is it sooty or not? She had to ask him 20 questions. It would be a very long, very, very long programme. No, I like that. That's fabulous. Frank, we've had some heartwarming news as well. This is, hi, Frank, Emily.

They say the cockerel. I'm sorry. It's Laura today. It's fair enough. We're the couple who had our first date at your talk at the 2008 Cheltenham Literature Festival. We met you again this year. Just wanted to say how thrilled we were to hear you mention us on your Saturday show. We're the couple who had our first date at your talk at the 2008 Cheltenham Literature Festival. Oh, yes. We met you again this year. Just wanted to say how thrilled we were to hear you mention us

on your Saturday show when catching up on your podcast. So we thought you might like to know that after that evening, we went away and got engaged. You're obviously having a profound influence on us. That's Dino and Nicola. It's like the first blind date wedding. I must get myself a hat. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

I've been a bit of an interest in discovery, actually, which could revolutionise the British media, is that I'm getting ever more keen on watching the telly with no sound. Oh. I, yeah, I started off as I watched a ballet documentary about the Russian ballet. And because it was subtitled, I thought, I don't have to listen to this.

I'll just read it. So that worked very well. And it reminded me of that. I went into a video hire shop in Birmingham, and they had the French film Betty Blue. Do you remember that film? It was a fabulous film. I'd recommend it to anyone. And there was a sort of cardboard thing written,

sellotape to the front, and it was subtitled, but still a good film. You have to read a bit, but it's worth it. I love a Birmingham video. Signed Mark Kermode. And God, I've marked a few Kermodes in my time. Nevertheless, so the other night I was sitting in with Sandy Mason, who is certainly, well, I'm going to play it.

Sandy Mason, who is a friend I'm going to play it. It's Andy Mason who is... Friend of the show! And he's my girlfriend's mum. And we were sitting chatting and we had Frozen Planet, the new David Attenborough vehicle, if I can call it that. And it works very, very well mute.

Much better. Because his voice has finally caught up with his appearance and he's sounding you know when a when a person's voice gets old as well yeah exactly i mean he's a suck on a word that's original i think he might have found him on behalf of kelly clarkson he's got that so i can't cope with it can I just say David Attenborough is in the Bob Geldof Black Swan pile yes because you're not a fan

I don't like that that's an interesting pile what else is in the pile no I don't I don't like David Attenborough because he allows animals

to be savaged when he could save them with a simple shout can I tell you I agree Frank I watched that I found it profoundly upsetting I have to be honest with sound that. I found it profoundly upsetting.

I have to be honest. With sound, you watched it? Yes. It was so... You've only got yourself to blame. Yeah, but his voice does... I think those animals... Nasty pieces of work, a lot of those animals. They are.

They are. They're really... They probably... They're hateful. Many animals. The wolves. Don't get me started on the wolves. Don't get me started on the wolves.

When the penguins got frozen in the snow storm that was quite upsetting oh yeah i know but if you're gonna live there yeah you're asking for trouble move to a warmer climate lovely work like i used to go to a chip shop regularly where my mom worked and they had a mural of the matterhorn on the wall uh you know the matterhorn the great snow covered mountain yeah and it reminded me of that it was like to keep them feeling cold in the on the wall. You know the Matterhorn, the great snow-covered mountain? And it reminded me of that. Was it to keep them feeling cold in the fish and chip shop, which would be really hot and sweaty?

I never knew why they went for the Matterhorn. But murals were a big thing when I was a youth. People would have a big scenic picture. My brother had the Great Pyramid of Giza on his living room wall. My sister painted the Lion King on her bedroom wall. Did she really? Yeah. Is she still working? I wouldn't mind one of those.

Frank, there's a text I'd like to read before we go from 261. We've been talking about obscure crushes this morning. My obscure crush is the lady who plays the mother in the old El Paso advert. Let's face it, we ain't going to top that. It's a great way to end the show. If you want to listen to Not The Weekend podcast, which is the author show that we do,

which is only available online, you can get that from Wednesday morning, arguably Tuesday night, but we don't talk about that. Mark Crossley is on next. I think that's just about everything. And thank you, Laura, and I believe you're back next week? Yeah. When the cockerel returns but Emily goes

it's like musical chairs anyway if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back next week at the same time ta-ra a bit Frank Frank

Frank Skimmer Frank Skimmer Absolute Radio to Norby