The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Barbers, Mirrors & Pebbles

Episode Date: April 19, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss the mid life mirror, the recently buried John Horwood and Frank's £9 barber.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Hey, it's the not the midweek. No. It's the not the weekend. But it hasn't started as well as I hoped, I'll be honest with you. But what does in life? And it's not how you start, it's how you finish. That's the old... I'll drink to that. The whole song.

So, yes, welcome to the not the weekend podcast i'm frank skinner and i'm here um under the auspices of absolute radio and i'm with emily and gareth hi frank hello frank hello and uh i like that it's like we haven't met for a while um and uh we've just had a very interesting conversation with the producer, Emma who has pockets in her cardigan which I can see no point in, they're too shallow for any practical purpose I was suggesting maybe a tissue

but I like it when a lady goes for a tissue up the sleeve Oh yes, you don't see that so often it's a sort of librarian Laura does that and I think it's thoroughly disgusting. Snotty stuff up your sleeve. Yeah, but that's all right. It's not a nice place to keep it.

It's always nice to have something snotty up your sleeve. Emily's built her whole vocabulary on me. No, I think it's a good thing. Sometimes my tissues get so snotty, I can wear it with a T-shirt. Doesn't work for me. I just stick it to the forearm. I favour a bat wing a lot of the time, so it's not going to work for me. You favour a bat wing?

We're not talking about snacks. Funny you should say that. infected stuffed animals, and her friend bought her a bat, a framed stuffed bat, on eBay, and it arrived broken. It wasn't properly packed. And they left it on the table, and the cat ate it. No. The cat went missing for two days. They found it upside down in a local rock crevice.

No, they didn't. It was all right, but it did disappear for two days. Imagine eating that bat. That could have been 50 years old. Wow, the bat. Cat ate the bat. Yeah. I should apologise.

I mean, Emily would never eat a bat because it's not white. No. I'm still on the white diet. Still on the white diet. I got my hair cut this week. As you know, I go to what I call a seven quid barber. Boy, did I have a shock. Why?

It's gone up to nine quid. Oh, Brian. That's an outrage. Well, don't worry. You could never tell by looking at it. No, exactly. I don't think it looks two quid better. No.

They have a big sign outside, the seven quid, and they'd look like they'd put a sheet of A4 with a big nine on it and just put it over the seven. So there was the vague shadow of happier times when it was only seven showing through, which I thought was a mistake. Yeah. And apparently it hasn't gone down that well with the... Is it still your same bar, but was it an Australian that you used to have?

Well, they have a... There's to have? Well, there's different people Oh, there's no loyalty I think the way to travel the world now whereas it used to be to work in restaurants now you just carry a pair of scissors and have scissors, we'll travel Don't you want the same person though, doing your hair? Well, there is a nice lady

I do have when I'm in there an Australian lady but she wasn't in there I think it's holidays at the moment. I don't know whether she'd stormed out with the nine quid and some sort of socialist stance. But I had a lady, I'd say I was 35 years

my junior. Right. And that's I mean from a conversation point of view it's tricky because my only hope when I'm having my hair cut by someone that much younger than me is that the nation is in the midst of a major reality series yeah and of course I fell in the terrible gap between Dancing on Ice and Britain's Got Talent so I had nothing nothing to discuss and she did that thing

where she said uh how was how was your weekend and I said um I don't remember actually I honestly didn't remember but through dementia not through living it up. And she went, oh, yeah, I know what you mean. And there was a second when I went, yeah, right. And I thought, oh, God, I'm joining in with a terrible lie and pretending I'm a party animal. Because you'll think, oh, it's some tragic, tragic middle-aged man who goes out and, you know. Parouses. Has a couple of light ales, maybe a barley wine.

And then... So that was awkward. And so I was at that situation, which we've talked about on the show, where I didn't really know what to discuss. So I thought, well, I'll talk about the two-pound rise. And the whole place went tense. Oh, I'm not surprised. I think there'd been a few altercations in there. How did you raise it?

I said, so the £2 rise, I said, that strikes me as a built-in tip. If you make £9 a haircut, everyone's going to say, oh, well, there's £10. Keep the change, aren't they? Everyone. And she said no no a lot of people have made a big point of getting the pound back as a protest against i don't like the sound of the protest about it going up to nine quid protest over a nine pound haircut that's

cool it's caused quite a lot of problems in there and uh i i always tip three quid you've seen the old days already oh wow that's generous so has your attitude changed as a result of the £2 raise? Nothing's changed for me. I still give them a tenner. I pay exactly the same and they get £2 less. You do the math. I say you do the math. I'm just cringing.

OK. I don't tip at the hairdressers. I just let them keep the hair. I think that's all right. It's my hair. Yeah. I could take it with me if I wanted. Could you do that?

I'd have to have some sort of receptacle and safety device. But I'm wondering, if you said, actually, do you mind if I take my hair with me? I've never heard anyone do that. How interesting. Doesn't it mix with other hair on the ground, though? It's like when people go for ashes of a dead relative it's not it's not get some lovely highlights that way though

yeah i might try just to see how it happens but it did remind me of the um awkward silences yeah the whole awkward silences thing talking about that oh we had some good um we had some good emails about awkward silences what we're asking, is tips on how to fill those moments. For example, some people... This is from Ian. He said, my dad and I often have awkward silences, which he feels he needs to fill. His best, after several painful seconds, was,

so, do you eat a lot of bread, Ian? Good question. You see, I i might even though that includes ian i might start using it with the such a good gap i love it do you think britain's fattest man bfm as we call him on this show do you think his dad uses that as a conversation but with the sort of a just like a brackets and a dotted line where bread is so he can insert any foodstuffs it's a list yeah

so you eat a lot of awful Dave what was his name BFM BFM was I imagine he calls him BFM doesn't he

oh I can't remember his name yeah do you eat a lot of jelly tots BFM yeah he ate a lot of crisps

he did eat a lot of crisps 40 packets a day don don't you remember? 40. 40. If I was going to eat 40 packets of crisps a day, I'd just form a big line at the garden path of them, and then I'd go down on all fours, getting steadily, steadily closer to the house

on a sort of a follow the yellow crisp road. It'd be brilliant. Well, that's a good one, though. No. So do you eat a lot of breadies? So do you eat a lot of breadies the yellow crisp road be brilliant well that's a good one though so do you eat a lot of bread we've got another one actually this is from lenny and mauritius i didn't know we had friends in mauritius i like that i once did a school project about mauritius i live in mauritius this isn't me this is no i i guessed you were reading there's a slight difference in your intonation i live in ma Mauritius. I'm a Scouser though. Sorry, I live in Mauritius.

I'm a Scouser though. Rubbish. My Scouse accent's very good. My Ikora is without equal. You're alright with an Ikora, but that one, it sounded too pretty. Ikora to orangey for crows. I live in Mauritius.

I'm a Scouser though and pick up the podcast to cheer up my route into work. Very amused to hear you chat about the Bermuda Triangle as a last resort conversation to break an awkward silence. A relative of mine was being given a lift home after decorating a friend of a friend's house. He's not got much in his conversation armoury and probably felt intimidated by being in the presence of a high-powered banker. After about two difficult miles

he came out with, you know the engine nodding in the general direction of the bonnet That's helpful. is just a series of mini-explosions. Not another word was uttered in the remaining ten minutes. I like that. That's somewhat poetic about a series of mini-explosions.

I think filling the gaps in a driving situation. Oh, yeah. Is even, because I'm occasionally on a good day driven by strangers. You know, someone gets a car for me. And that's always. That sounds like from the village. Driven by strangers from the village.

Yes. Driven out of town like a dog. But it was, I, it's what I call drive talking. And you have to come up with. Yes. I used to have a set line I used. I tried it four times. It never got a laugh.

So I stopped. I always said, oh, I got rid of my rear view mirror two years ago. You know, I've never looked back. And nothing. Oh, it went all right, didn't it? Never got a laugh from a driver ever on that. So I gave that up. What, no response all right in here. Never got a laugh from a driver ever on that. So I gave that up. What, no response?

Just nothing. Well, not sort of as if I was making conversation. They just thought you were irresponsible. And it was a true story. They thought you were very irresponsible. Anyway, so I lost faith in that. I was once talking to, he was an American actually driving a minicab in London.

And I said to him, you know, I was once talking to, he was an American actually driving a minicab in London. And I said to him, you know, I was desperate. And I said, so you know, you're way well around considering you're not from the country. It was one of the few legitimate times I could say that to a minicab driver without sounding slightly racist because he was American. And he said to me, oh yeah, I'm a Gemini. And we left it at that. And you know that moment when you leave it it hangs in the air you can hear the word going gemini gemini in your head very difficult a friend of mine's mother when they were having a sunday lunch with they had guests around and it was really quiet

you know that horrible moment when you don't know people that well and their friends and then it's really quiet she used to go well food must be good that's a good one actually i'm going to use that one when there's no food it's very sort of pointed very pointed if you go no no it's not that um have you seen um it was in the paper this week about midlife mirror angst syndrome. And this is... They should have come up with something that makes a... Is it a palindrome when you put it together?

Yes, yeah. This says MASS. Acronym. Acronym. MASS. MASS is the acronym. I suppose if she'd get it. Yeah. M MMA. Yeah.

Mass. Yeah. What is it? So this is middle-aged women, so women in their 40s and 50s. Just women? Who are depressed with their image. It seems so. I imagine it will spread to men before too long.

Oh, yeah. This is how these things go. With the skinniness. This is how these things go. With the pressure to keep skinny, how these things go with the pressure to keep skinny it started with women and then spread to men that's how that happened

hasn't bothered you two the Mahatma Gandhi was years ahead of the of the whole diet industry thing so what happens so they basically get depressed with what they look like. Middle-aged women dislike what they see in the mirror

four times more than teenage girls. Wow. That's an interesting... I can't relate to that at all. Looking in the mirror is my favourite thing. Really? I cannot get enough of it, yeah. And it makes you happy.

It makes me happy. Warm woolen mittens? More than that. My reaction to seeing myself in the mirror varies wildly. Sometimes I think, wow, I'm a beautiful person. Do you? Physically beautiful or on the inside? Physically, yeah.

That's how I use the mirror. I'm just trying to get a handle on it. That's called a mirror. Yeah. And sometimes I see the handle on it. Do you genuinely look in the mirror and feel really happy with what you see? I would say it's perfectly even. Sometimes I'm appalled by what I see.

Appalled? And sometimes I think it's brilliant. It's very odd. From brilliant to appalled? Yeah. Wow. Wow. It's very odd.

Is this through a series? Do you wear a lot of different make-up and make-over faces before you look? How can you differ that much? Is it more to do with your mood than your appearance? Maybe it's all about myself. Yeah, he has mood swings. I do have mood swings. But don't you get that?

I mean, we all get this thing. When you look in the mirror and you think, thank God I'm a celebrity. No, we discussed that during the show that me and Emma did. No, we don't. How come we're not celebrities? That's what we wanted to know. Wouldn't that be the worst piece of observational comedy you could do?

You know, you look in the mirror and think, thank God I'm a celebrity. Oh, hello. Do you genuinely think that? Just hang on. Frank. I have thought in the past. I think you do.

I have thought, you know. Because you have been able to date, don't take this the wrong way. Oh, hell, take it the wrong way. You have been able to date, don't take this the wrong way. Oh, hell, take it the wrong way. You have been able to date, like, Cathy's very beautiful. I'm not saying you're not. No, no, I understand. Absolutely.

It's opened the door to a whole new arena of women I couldn't have, and many of them do take it the wrong way. But I sort of accept that. I have looked in the mirror in the past when I was sort of what am I called filling my boots having realised this

but yeah you know suddenly there was a whole new catchment area so I have consoled myself but I don't think I've it's been a long time since I've looked in the mirror and thought oh yes it's been a long time since anyone've looked in the mirror and thought, ooh, yes.

It's been a long time since anyone looked at any of us and thought that. I'll tell you what the problem is with me. I don't know if you've noticed this. I'm guessing you've all noticed it and I've brought it up. But when I watch myself on television, which is sort of looking in the mirror, and I'm doing a... I hate to bring this up, but I'm doing a tv series

at the moment um what i call my other job thanks goodness opinionated yes but we're not allowed to talk about it now and it's it's quite it's quite tiring and i think you can see in my face on screen i think what i've noticed is one of my eyes is distinctly larger than the other that's what's happened is that what yeah i can't see that maybe you can't see it now or are you being nice but on telly i can't. I remember reading about... Sort of like Patrick Moore, her Patrick Moore look. No, he wore a monocle. That was an optical illusion.

But when Abraham Lincoln was seeking the party leadership election, I read a book about this, and one of the people who stood against him, they said he had the same problem, and they said, it did look as if two different men stared out at the world and that's what's happened. I notice I'm telling you there's two quite different eyes and I don't like that. Oh I haven't noticed that

at all. Tell me, honestly it's real and I tell you what, if I had one of those you know those comedy outfits you used to get which is like split in two halves and you turn one way and you're a man and the other way you're a lady? I could do that now better than anyone's ever done it,

because I've even got a different eye for each side. So that's what I might go with. If I was in a lift with Tom York from Radiohead, he'd be absolutely convinced I was taking the mic. Especially when I went... especially when I went for floor please

he'd probably take it quite badly adult behaviour psychologist Susan Quilliam sorry can I say I think Tom York should host The Weakest Link why? the whole show would be one long wink. Carry on. Adult behaviour psychologist Susan Quillian.

They could shorten it. They could shorten it from The Weakest Link. Take the letters out the middle. Yeah. And just call it The Wink. The Wink. A girl at Laura's school thought it was called The Winky Slink. The Winky Slink?

Yes. She's a child, not an adult. Yes, the girl. She said, you are the Winky Slink. The Winky Slink? Yes. She thought Anne Robertson went... She a child, not an adult. Yes, the girl. Yes, she said, you are the Winky Slink. Goodbye. I like the Winky Slink. Yeah. Much nicer.

Sorry I interrupted you there. Yes. Something else that should be shorted is adult behaviour psychologist Susan Quilliam says there's no psychological underpinning for this. This is midlife mirror answer. There is in my case. There's no psychological underpinning for this. This is midlife mirroring. There is in my case. There's no psychological underpinning for this. But the fact remains that at midlife, women can feel invisible or at worst, unattractive.

Is that worse than invisible? I don't know. It's a strange dichotomy of invisibility and unattractiveness. No, it's better to be invisible, isn't it? It's better to be not noticed than people go, oh my God. Especially if you are unattractive. Yeah, it's better to be invisible, isn't it? It's better to be not noticed. Oh, much better to be invisible. Especially if you are unattractive. Yeah. Is anyone unattractive?

There's somebody for everybody. No, there isn't. Do you not think so? I don't think there is. You do the math. I don't say you do the math. I don't think there's somebody for everybody, is there? Someone out there will find someone.

You've got this whole thing, your threes, which you've discussed with me before, where you say... Yes, Frank had this theory that before he was famous, he was a three. OK. And now he's been elevated somewhat. Let's say, I'd say you're maybe a seven, eight now. Yeah?

I think I've gone from relegation zone to... might even make Europa League, not Champions League. But I've gone. I'm slightly above mid-table, is what I would say. Yeah. I think I was a bit of a mess as a teenager. Some people peak brilliantly in their teens, for instance, Prince William,

and then go virtually downhill. Whereas I think, if anything, I'm improving. Do you really? Do you? Yeah. You sense some disagreement in the air. I'm so surprised. But no, like, so that's good for me, is that because I was like, so sometimes I feel good about it.

What, do you mean looks-wise? I feel, look, I still look like how I do we're still talking looks wise oh I thought you were talking about you as a whole as a man oh no that's getting much worse he's been dropping like a stone even in the time I've known him it's like a man who's stepped into a spiritual

lift shaft it is so this is from Ben from I think it must have got cut off where he's from. Oh okay. Oh not from, oh okay. Frank do you remember our pedestrian race last week?

You whizzed past me and despite my efforts I just couldn't keep up. This is someone I've actually combated with. Wow. I knew that was going to happen eventually wasn't it? I therefore turned onto another street to look like I was just going another way. So, defeated, Frank. Well, how would I have known?

Because presumably he was behind me at that time. Well, don't rub it in. Yeah, OK. No, I insist. I continued in the wrong way in fear that you would look back if I went back onto the street where we raced. And to try and convince myself I hadn't lost. This caused me to get lost, and whilst trying to figure out where I was,

I was on my iPhone, I got mugged. Oh, God, and somehow it's my fault. That's just one of the dangers of pedestrian racing. Well, not normally. Normally you're shoulder to shoulder with, you know. If he's going to go down a side street, is he all right? Does he say anything more?

Well, it doesn't say. Does the letter trail off at the end? Well, it does. It says Ben Frum and then nothing. Oh, no. So maybe he was doing it on his iPhone as... And then the guy snatched him away. Ben from Ward 32.

He says... Oh, have you got it? No, I haven't. He's not really in a hospital ward. I hope he's not, anyway. I hope he's alright. Yeah, I do as well. I like that he took on the master, though. Oh, lovely. I'm glad I won, though. I don't want anyone...

Well, I always win. Oh, I'm brisk. Gareth, who's this strange 19th century murderer that you're a little bit obsessed by? I do like this story. It's a tragic story, but I think there's something for us all to learn.

It's about a teenager called John Horwood who was 17 years old. Oh, yeah, John Horwood. And he spotted a former sweetheart strolling with a new bow. Yeah. She's into archery. Best keep your distance.

Well, if only she had had a bow and arrow, maybe what comes next would never have happened. No, she was with another man. Yeah. And he picked up a pebble and threw it at her. John Horwood did. John Horwood did. He threw it at Eliza Balsam.

What's her name? Well, let's not name names. When did this happen? In 1821. 1821. Oh, well, name names. So I think it's okay. You know, it happened quite a long time ago.

And he hit her right temple and she tumbled into a brook. She fell into a stream. But she was okay, really. Like, it did break the skin. There was some blood, but she got sorted out. It doesn't make it right, Karen. Gareth, can I just say, when they say he threw a pebble, I think it might have been more in the

boulder family. Do you think? I don't know, because it wasn't too bad. How do you know you weren't there in 1821? I mean, did they have pebbles in 1821? I don't know if geology had got that far. I think they were still at the boulder level.

There was no sand until the 1880s. And so he threw the pebble and then she got just treated at home. But then they say it got infected and she was treated by a doctor. And he drilled a hole in her head this doctor yeah what is it it was called for a candle so she can see her way home they used to do it for everything didn't they in the olden days trepanning isn't it is it yes yeah trepanning very good

yeah it's supposed to relieve the pressure on the brain. And she died from the operation. Oh, break it to us gently, why don't you? She died. Let's face it, she'd be dead anyway by now. It's hard to mourn, given the time scale. I can't mourn for her. I'm not going to pretend I can. To hell with her.

Well, not literally to hell with her, hopefully. I don't know. Aye, but to die and go, you know, not where to lie in cold obstruction and to rot. But he was hanged. John was hanged for murder. Fair enough. He threw a pebble at her.

She fell in a... In a brook. In order to get the water out of her, they had to put a drill in her head. She died. Where was the new boyfriend? For the want of a nail, the horse was lost, etc, etc. Where was the new boyfriend? For the want of a nail, the horse was lost, etc. Where was the new boyfriend

when all this was kicking off? He's scarpered. He's gone. I imagine he fished her out the brook. So why is he getting publicity at the moment then? Well, he's got reburied. What happened?

That's a nice story. There's a conspiracy. He's got rebur That's a nice story. There's a conspiracy. He's got re-buried. Horrible story. He was never happy in that film. A murderer's got re-buried. Can I say, I can really empathise with this story because when I was a small child, the next door neighbour's

daughter was climbing on the fence between our gardens and I told her to get down and she didn't and I threw quite a big brick, what we used to call an half-ender at her and hit her in the head. And she just, blood went everywhere. You're joking.

That's absolutely true. And I have often thought that it would have changed my life if I'd have killed her. What happened? Was she okay? I mean, imagine the headlines. Three Sony nominations for infanticidal DJ.

It would have took the... I think it wouldn't... You couldn't be a comic, could you, if you'd killed another child in the past? I don't know. I don't know if that's a rule. Where's Mary Bell's stand-up career? Nowhere.

Google it. Yeah, so... That's true, though. That could have happened just for one rash moment so I've got a bit of sympathy with Horwood yes

no it's a tragic story but there's also the conspiracy theory is that the doctor used to do experiments on bodies so they reckon the body the doctor just wanted a body how desperate was he?

he dissected John Horwood wrote a book about his findings and then bound it with John's own flesh. They bound it in John Horwood's skin. It was brilliant when in the 19th century. Class. You know if somebody did that now, there'd be some idiot

suggesting, hey, what about the what about a lewd novelty bookmark? And then they'd have had his genitals flattened out into something. Well, no. Does that book still exist? I'd like to handle the Horwood Hyde novel. Would you now?

Yeah. No, there is a picture. So he's been laid to rest and it's good news. Oh, that's nice. He was in a cupboard, wasn't he? Because that's what threw me on this story. Yeah. They had cupboard in the headline.

Sorry, I'm eating a banana. They had cupboard in the headline. And I thought it was one of those fabulous stories you get now and again about the person who's been brought up in a cupboard. You know those occasionally? Obviously, they're tragic, but still fascinating. There were some people like that at Laura's school. Who were brought up in a cupboard?

Or the attic. It was very pale. Really? Well, what they're doing at school, the idea is they're not let out. You don't go back to the cupboard. Well, I think the happy ending of the brought up in a cupboard story is that they get let out of the cupboard at some point to tell their tale.

To be fair, what do you mean they were brought up in an attic? They just happened to, their bedroom is in a loft conversion. That could be it. I don't think it means that he's talking about imprisonment. You know when you get those, like the boy in a cupboard store, it's always like his best friend was a vacuum cleaner. Oh, like Peter the Wild, so to say. Henry the Hoover.

No, Peter the Wild had free reign. He lived only on keyhole-shaped food. All that. It's a strange tale. He wrote a nice poem, though, John Horwood. Did he? Lord, thou knowest that I did not mean to take her life but merely punish her, though I confess that I had made up my mind sometime or other to murder her.

Rubbish. That's awful. He deserved a hole in the head. He's rhymed her with her. It doesn't really rhyme very well. It's not scanned very well. Crap. I've written much better poetry.

You have? Yeah. Well, it wasn't really poetry. When I was young, I swear I wrote this when I was about three or four. Three or four? You could write? No, I must have been older, sorry. And I said it aloud.

It was a poet. I used to say it all the time. It went, I've got hundreds of money. Honestly, this is what it was. I've got hundreds of money? Yeah. I don't care what I do. I don't care money? Yeah. I don't care what I do. I don't care what I say.

I don't care what I do. And by God, you've lived by that the rest of your life. That's very, very interesting. Of course, my dad always claimed that he wrote Winter Wonderland. And he said some big American songwriter must have been knocking around in a small pit village in Durham, heard him singing it and stole the whole idea. I was never convinced, I'll be honest with you. But that is so...

And then I did it, I put it to music. And it was even better. How did it go? It went, I've got hundreds of money. I don't care what I do. I don't care what I say. I don't care what I do. That was it.

That's good. Jimmy Carr asked if he could use that. I said no. Use it at what? I don't care what I do. That was it. That's good. Jimmy Carr asked if he could use that. I said no. Use it at what? I don't know. He liked the song. He thought he could use it. I've heard it's going to be played at Chris Evans' funeral.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.