The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Bargains

Episode Date: July 2, 2011

Frank shares his distaste towards the Olympics logo, Emily has a problem with the Godson Diet and Alun scores a bargain.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, I love it. I love it. That white noise sound with sunset.

Of course it is. Yeah. No, that's great. You'll get used to the sound. Yeah. That's got my blood partly flowing. There's some coagulation I'm sensing but only on the left hand side. We'll see how it

goes. So, um, well I think we should not move on without saying that Andy is now out. Last week we were celebrating. I didn't know about that. Oh yeah, it's about time isn't it? Yeah. Maybe now we can stop shaving and stop doing the whole macho thing.

Yeah, I've been watching it, as our regular listeners will know, just to try and work out how much the mum hates the girlfriend and vice versa. And there was a moment when they were actually speaking on the coverage yesterday. Oh, how disappointing. No, no, but they weren't speaking. They were speaking the way... I don't know if you've ever seen any of that footage of Churchill speaking to Joseph Stalin at the Yalta conference.

It had that kind of feel. I don't want to speak to you, but, you know, I suppose some good will come out of it overall. It was very much like that. I'm just going to write that down as the clips to look at on YouTube that are directly related to this show. Points of reference are always so varied. Oh, Yalta.

I like to think Yalta's going to crop up on a regular basis. It was Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin got together to try and sort out... I think what they called the Hitler problem. Yeah. It was a bit of a concern. It was, yeah. It completely got out of hand. Yeah.

Anyway, it was... I'll tell you what I've noticed about Wimbledon as well. Is that... Oh God, I sound like an American stand-up comedian. Say, you ever... You ever on a plane? You ever on a plane? Shut up! No, the double...

Every now and again, when you're watching a proper match, they'll cut to the doubles on what they call an outside court, or a... Yes. Court 84, we're going to go to now. I call it non-VIP court. I don't like them. Well, I'm starting to think that the centre court is sort of at the centre of the English, maybe even the British tennis-playing universe.

And as you spread it, I think, like, court 24 is probably in Oldham or something. Because it's always like this, I think like Court 24 is probably in Oldham or something. Because it's always like this. I hate people watching doubles. And there's people in Primark T-shirts playing. And a horrible sort of canvas scoreboard. Yeah. I hate those courts.

Canvas scoreboard. I like the sound of that. That's brilliant. Yeah, the one I saw, I think it was tarpaulin'. It was over. It was tarpaulin' over an old motorbike and sidecar. And they chalked on it. That was the scores.

It is. I like the fact it covers the whole tennis universe, Wimbledon. Anyway. Frank, before we move on... Have I said this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Alan? I hope they've worked that out. Oh, no, but I don't like to...

If I don't do that, I don't get a chance to go... Good morning, listeners. In case you don't know, Alan Cochran, you see, was mistaken in the first week by one of our listeners as Alan Cockrell. He thought that was his name. I'd like to think it was just one. I'd like to think it was just one. The emails were awash with people calling me Cockrell.

Yes. I think it's your strutting manner. He said, good morning, listeners. I'd like that. It was quite local radio calling me cockerel. Yes. I think it's your strutting manner. Yes. He said, good morning, listeners. I like that. It's quite local radio. It's good. Yeah.

But we are essentially local radio. I'm excited. Frank, we've had a text in. Oh. Yes, it happens. Hold on. Let me get settled in my chair. Good morning, Mr. Frank, Alan, and... Was it from Basil Brush?

Can't leave Basil with his head in a vice. Basil, da-da-da. Come on, carry on. And Uber Babe Emily. He said it? His words, not mine? Uber Babe Emily. Yes, I could have not read it out.

People that use the word Uber for emphasis. I look forward to the sound effect for your nickname. A quick tippy-tappy on the keyboard he says to let you know frank don't look like that i can see your face contorting is it for nicholas park frank was the subject of a quiz question the other day albeit on a rival radio station can we say which one it was frank shall? Shall I not say? Anyway, the question was, what do Frank, Shirley Bassey, Paul McCartney, Pablo Picasso and Robin Williams all have in common? It's the truth.

I like the way your manager's thinking about it like he's on a panel show. Hold on. Paul McCartney, Robin Williams, me, Pablo Picasso. Did we used to be good? And we're not as good anymore? That'd be harsh. On a rifle radio station.

Sammy Bassie's still got air. OK, fair enough. Thanks for picking me up on that element of it. Well, I don't know, but shall I play some music? I don't know the answer to that and I'm part of the question. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? But now won't people email in with the answer, and then we're basically stealing another guy's quiz? It wouldn't be the first time, would it? Presumably it's all Don, isn't it?

It's all Don and Dosti, this quiz. They don't drag these things out on local. I mean, they might have closed down. If it's capital, they could go at any moment. OK, well, so that's it. That's the question. Pablo Picasso, etc, etc. What have we got in common? We're not left-handed.

No, I'd know if I was left-handed. I'd have spotted that. Quite now. You're not left-handed. I'd have picked up on that by now, surely. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are we all gay icons? Oh. I thought you gay icons? Oh.

I thought you were just asking randomly. All three of us, you mean. I like to think I am. Well, I think you are. Yeah. I think I'm, yeah. I think I have a foot in both camps. No.

Do you want to know the answer? Yes, I do want to know. Just a bit of you wants to string it out for longer. No, no, no. Well, I'd like to get it, but I don't want to know. Just a bit of you wants to string it out for longer. No, no, no. Well, I'd like to get it, but I don't want to be self-indulgent. You got no ideas, Alan? No, but I can see how you'd have misgivings about having a quiz about yourself last for too long.

No, exactly. Accusations of self-indulgence. Yes, it's the Frank Skinner quiz with Frank Skinner. On the Frank Skinner show. Yes. OK. OK. Well, the person who texted in,

he calls himself Larry Saunders. I don't think that's his real name. But he says at first he thought that they'd all been voted Rear of the Year until he realised it was Robin William, not Robbie. Anyhow, the answer turned out to be drumroll, please. I might have a drumroll. Let me just

have a look at my... Oh oh I've got a fanfare good morning listeners I'm loving that they all learn to swim later in life well that's a lie because I haven't learned to swim I have yet to learn to swim so the question's not if Chris is wrong

what radio station is it it's BBC Radio 2 Tim Smith well to learn to swim. So the question's not, the quiz is wrong. Yeah, what radio station is it? It's BBC Radio 2, Tim Smith. Well, to me, that puts them in the same category as the Blue Peter animal name, the British Comedy Award. Yes. Yeah. Farago. I'm calling it a Farago.

Stand back. I've said it. You say we pay. Yes. I have yet to learn. Your manager's texting someone. I think he's trying to get some money out of him. Yeah, so if there's big money involved in that quiz,

I'm afraid that it won't be on the BBC. I thought they'd have won two tickets to the last My Family record. But they've won it erroneously. That's what I'm saying. Anyway, if you want to text us, I should have said this when we said, why don't you text us with the answers. It's 8.12.15.

And I can't swim, so, you know, so what? Put me down in the company of Shirley Bassey and... Pablo Picasso. Pablo Picasso, yeah. Paul McCartney, of course. He used to live in Brighton, and someone who lived near by told me he used to go on the beach with his little tiny Speedo briefs on. Tiny.

Thanks for that insight. Yeah, just picture that, if you will. Well, we are. A slight vapour trail of purple in the water from the hair. I won't say what else was left on the beach when him and his wife went out to swim. I'll tell you what I have noticed. The first time I saw it, it frightened me to death.

But, you know, you get used to it. I thought it'd been washed up. Do you get sharks in Brighton? Well, you do, but they're selling cars. I heard about some people who buy any car. I can't remember where I heard that now. Someone was shouting about it, almost tunefully. Anyway, I'll tell you what has struck me.

You remember when the Olympic logo came out, when it was revealed? It got a lot of stick. It did. Oh, mate. Do you remember when the Olympic logo came out, when it was revealed? It got a lot of stick. It did. Oh, yeah. And it became a bit of a comedian's paradise to make jokes about the Olympic logo. And it's all seemed to be, oh, well, what difference does it make? You know, it's just a...

It's a terrible... One of the worst pieces of design, I think, ever, ever done. I'd put high-rise housing above the Olympic logo. But anyway, I've noticed now, I've seen it this last week or two, on lapel badges and stuff and starting to appear, and I've realised what I thought was just a silly mistake, as we near the Olympics, it's...

Now, it's not that I don't like it anymore, it disgusts me. Oh, it's it's i it now i don't it's not that i don't like it anymore it disgusts me oh it's very strong i'd say the olympic logo and this is not an overstatement i'd say it's ruined the olympics for me really i haven't put in for any tickets i don't even want to watch it i i i have no interest the logo has killed the only british olympics that will probably happen in my lifetime really that's That strong, you feel? And I did a magic eye thing with it the other day, and I looked at the logo, and I don't know if...

If you look at it, it looks like there's two halves. One identified as London, and one identified as the Olympics. And it looks like the London one is being assaulted from behind by the Olympics one. Yes, well, I mean assaulted. And that's what's happened, I think. The Olympics, London Olympics, everything has been... I can't tell you how upset I am with the whole thing. I hate the Olympics now.

I'm moving out for one reason and one reason only. The logo. As if it won't be poignant enough their olympics because the home of the olympics is greece and of course by that stage greece will be closed down it'll be all boarded up great so it'll be like our price well that's true and then um we're going to put up with i'm sorry to go on i know it's a bit out of date the logo thing but we're going to see more and more of it and i'm going to make the olympics-mention zone on here for that reason. That'll be fun.

Yeah. If you don't make a stance on design, what can you make a stance on? They come over as all folky and then they put swearing. I just wonder if that was a swear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're swearing. What is it with these people? I thought we just had a bad signal.

Yeah. Hattergrease E as well, that. Yeah, exactly. That was, just so you know, to blame, that was Mumford & Sons' Little Lion Man. Is that Norman Collier? Do you remember Norman Collier? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes Yes I've heard This afternoon And everyone's been Anyone listening who's just tuning in now I think there's something wrong with my receiver Do they say receiver anymore? No okay Well there may be old people tuning in

Please replace the hands there Frank we had a text in 073 Would you have preferred something in Comic Sans Frank? Now that's a reference to the Olympic logo. Do you know what Comic Sans is? I'll tell you. Comic Sans? No, I know a lot about those.

Yeah, I know you do. Comic Sans is a font, Frank, and I'll tell you exactly what font it is. Do you remember TFI Friday? Remember that? Oh, I remember it well, yeah. Yeah, remember it? Man in the polka dot shirt glasses um that was you too giant giant headed you too dancing and people at a bar trying to prove they were having a nice time even though that their eyes

suggested emptiness and death yes carry on yeah i remember it well do you remember the titles of course well that was in comic sans oh with that sort of like dots and bits around it slightly i'd call it a larky font oh yeah it's larky no one's no one's denying that cold feet the program cold feet also comic sans i believe but there are occasionally um like guardian articles about how it's used for inappropriate stuff so it ends up on the odd NHS leaflet about something quite serious. Oh, is that right? Oh, no, you don't want that, do you?

Don't put comics hands on a leaflet about chlamydia in comics hands. Chlamydia in comics hands? No. What again? Not another course. Anyway. That's enough of that. don't think i mean i think you know i'm all for talking about font on commercial radio but i think i think minute and a half tops i think you're right i think that's what the radio handbook says the big siren just

went off didn't it yeah we've already done the yalta conference god it's going well this morning i'm sorry it ruined the olympics for you though yeah i ranted about the olympic logo something that was pertinent maybe a year and a half ago and it was really i mean what's going on this morning i'm sorry it'll get better just trust me will you yes i'm talking to you and get out of bed um what oh yeah so so the olympic logo anyway as i say has ruined the whole olympics for me and i think that that can happen sometimes tiny things can spoil things that you'd normally love take for example later with jules holland yeah has been spoiled for me why well by jules holland but not just his he's you know his essence i I mean, he's got a bigger

and he's got bigger he's expanded in a way, I always thought of him as a very thin man. And now the jacket looks, you know, you consider bottoms are... SpongeBob SquarePants. It's going, it's not really like that. It's a bit

Tim Burton, Tweedledum Tweedled d type of if they're in it i think they're in the looking like we aren't going to that don't text me leave it um if you text today by the way it has to be in comics hands that's that's the rule um what was it yeah so now i watch him and i feel sort of bloated watching him because he looks like he's i'm going oh and i can't watch it anymore and he's a great you know he's done it's those little things you know i call it the i call it the live and let die syndrome because that's one of my favorite songs of all time yes and then

it's ruined by that horrible cod reggae bit in the middle which sounds like rastamouse i can't bear it what does it matter oh oh don't even say it's horrible oh i see that's really no hate it it's good we're all different i had a thing recently where we went on a motorhome holiday and i had to empty the uh how quickly we forget it was an outing it was me my wife and our and our little boy and I had to empty the chemical toilet and it's not a pleasant task at the best of times but there's something in the chemical toilet that smells like Bloody Mary.

And so as I was tipping it out I thought I'm never going to enjoy a Bloody Mary ever again because it's always going to remind me of a chemical toilet on a motorhome. Not that I frequently have Bloody Marys, but... No, that's... I wonder what that was. Could it be a Bloody Mary that had been torn down the... Poured. Yeah.

Inverted commas. Yeah, exactly. No, there had been no Bloody Marys. Well, I find that. I think it's something in the sachet. Well, David Essex was a guest on here once, and he said, Chinaman. And, you know, I can't even watch EastEnders now.

I can't look him in the eye. To me, his entire musical career, retrospectively, was somehow marred. I could see him sinking a sandpan in some sort of World War II film. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Like the ice cream van? Get me a Cornish movie. That was Little Dragon with Ritual Union. I really like that. It's atmospheric. That's great. I have another thing about little things that ruin the big things. I find it very difficult to take in the news if the newsreader's got an over-excited mouth.

You know, some people just have an overly mobile... I can't listen to a word he's saying. I'm just watching that mouth. I can't think of which newsreader I'm speaking about. You know what I mean. If you lived in an Islamic country, that would never be a problem for you. No, true enough, but I don't.

No, but if it really gets to you, it's an option. That's what I'm saying. Because it'd be either a beard or some sort of veil covering that area. Quite easily, yeah. I had a bit of a result after the show last week. Hold on a minute. Oh, as your wife and child? No, no.

I mean, it was a much more modest result than that. Thank goodness. Wait till I tell you this. I was staying at my brother's flat, and when I'd finished here, I went for a little browse in the local charity shops. Did you? Yeah, and I have a thing in charity shops. Years ago, I toured with somebody who said,

if you're wavering about buying something in a charity shop, you should buy it anyway and just consider it a donation. And that way, if you don't like the thing, it doesn't really matter. Well, you can always take it back to the charity shop. You could just give it back to them. That's what David Baddiel said to you. I know, wasn't it? It's a bit like when, every now and again,

a really beautiful woman seems to spend some time with a loser and you think, oh, it's not really costing her anything. She's just giving him a day in the sun, really. You know what I mean? It's a form of charity work. Yeah. It's a donation, isn't it? That's something he'll remember forever.

It's a donation to the Mingers. Yeah, exactly. I've been donating very generously. But anyway, I bought a double cassette. I've been donating very generously. But anyway, I bought a double cassette. I've got an old car. And it has a 6CD multi-changer in the boot as well. But one of the joys of the car is that it has a cassette, which means that I can... It's a crossover vehicle, isn't it?

It's 10 years old. But the cassette thing is really handy, because you can get these things where you can plug your iPod into the car cassette. Well, I mean, that's a fabulous example of a marriage between old and new technology. It's really great. However, my point being that I bought a double cassette for £2. I've only listened to one side of the four. I've got a Steam iPod, which is a similar...

What is this cassette you've bought? It's Tom bit like, I've got a Steam iPod, which is a similar... What is this cassette you've bought? It's Tom Lehrer Live. Oh, right. Yeah, the American satirist. Humorist. Let's call him a humorist. Let's call him a humorist. Yeah, fabulous.

And I can't tell you how happy I am at having bought it, because it was one of those things of going, I would never buy this online, I wouldn't seek it out. But now it's here, and I'm considering it a donation to the cancer research shop. Yeah. And I'm really pleased by it. Genuinely, it lifted my day last Saturday.

And it's operational. It's fully working. I was half expecting a chewed-up tape. I know that's what you're thinking. Then you have the excuse for the twirled biro. In the centre, in the racket. Is it called the racket? Sprocket?

Sprocket? What is it called? I'm asking the producer. I'm presuming, oh my God, my language is broken down. Help! There's blood coming out of my ears. If only I could swim. Is it called, what's it called on the middle of a cassette, Emma? What's so good about having a producer than what the middle of a cassette is called? Emma's so good of having a producer than on the middle of a cassette, it's called? Emma's looking like she started in this when mini discs were around us. Oh, mini discs, they were great, weren't they? For about five minutes. You could twirl them in between your fingers like a cowboy with a coin.

Frank, a sprocket is a profiled wheel with teeth that meshes with a chain tracker or the perforated material. Does that sound right? Yeah, you are. I know that. Anyway, it's a bargain. It's a bargain. I'll tell you what, I'm going to inaugurate a texting. Yeah.

What about this then? What bargains are you most proud of? What about that? I'll try and contribute something. Yeah, I don't I shouldn't think you're a big I'm not keen on the charity shops are you not fine?

I always fear that the dead will come back for their stuff I quite like that no I don't want anyone saying that that was my shawl. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Tiddle-tum-tum-tum-tee-tum.

That was One Day Like This. Elbow. Do you think they've got a joint account? Roppish Oh elbow joint The end of that song Where they say throw those curtains wide Always reminds me of

Years ago I had a flat that overlooked some gardens And I opened the curtains one day To see somebody very carefully Arrange a deck chair and then sit in it And fall through it It was one of the happiest days of my life they weren't hurt nobody got hurt they just cheered me up fabulous so there's that there's a two quid double cassette it's the little things in life it is the little things frank talking of

that two quid double cassette we've had some texts in re other bargains other people have had people love a bargain love it not. Not me so much. 149, a leather belt that I bought my boyfriend for a pound, which he calls his dead man's belt. Lovely. I really like that. That's, uh... What is that now? I need a black strap.

There's a fall song about him not being able to find a belt in this flat. And he says, I need a black strap. Whilst talking about it, he's,'s so there you go that's a that's that is a bargain for a bargain 499 best buyer to charity shop a collection of 10 classic audio books dickens austin austin spelt a bit strangely um for 20 well they're audio yeah that's the trouble with audio you know it doesn't help your spelling in fairness they were originally 145 pounds she got them for 20 i was giddy love the show and the new boy settled in well amanda That's the trouble with audio. It doesn't help your spelling. In fairness, they were originally £145. She got them for £20.

I was giddy, loved the show, and the new boy settled in well, Amanda from Ipswich. You see, the thing is, I wouldn't pay £20 for anything from that. If I went into a charity shop and they had an E-type Jaguar in working order, I wouldn't pay £20. I don't want anything that requires a note in a charity shop and they had an E-type Jaguar in working order. I wouldn't pay 20 quid. I don't want anything

that requires a note in a charity shop. It has to be coinage. You're a monster. I'm shocked to find this side to you. I got six coasters from the cat rescue for 50 pence. What about that? Is this true?

Absolutely true. Well, there you go then. See, you love a bargain too. You love a coaster, that much we know. I love a coaster. But I saw it as a donation, as you say. Because the cat rescue arm, Mark, those cats will guarantee to get a stretcher to you in 40 minutes if you're injured on a mountainside.

They come up, obviously, they're great climbers. They can scamper. Yeah, and they come in little small harnesses they have and catnip they bring, which personally I find sour to the taste. But it can give you that kind of energy boost and apparently you can't trust them with a Kendall mint cake. But it's what they can train them to do nowadays.

Frank, another bargain on 208. The other week, times were tough, so I was looking around the local supermarket for bargains. As to do a shower gel, full size, for 8p a bottle. No. What? Now, I was concerned it would strip my skin to the bone, but on the contrary, it left me clean and sweet-smelling.

I just can't see the break-even on that. What that is, that's a lost leader they've got there. It's a lost leader. It has to get you into the shop. Sleazy supermarket execs. I just think this is unsustainable. This capitalism business, it's unsustainable. Well, no, they've gone too.

Are we in Weimar Germany? Eight pence. Well, I think, you know, people say that this great symbol of optimism is the glass half full, is what people always say. I always think the great symbol of optimism is anybody who goes into a charity shop and buys a jigsaw. Because they are so universally incomplete, charity shop jigsaws. I think that the people from the charity shop take a couple of pieces out just for continuity.

Yeah, the world order of things. I'm guessing that at the centre, I imagine there's a more enormous charity shop nerve centre. I'm guessing there is, in the basement, the whole floor is covered with this horribly mismatched jigsaw, which is the pieces they've taken out of jigsaws over the years. That's great. Anyone that buys a jigsaw at a charity shop is one of life's innocents.

Totally. Totally. What you're liable to end up with is three or four pieces from different jigsaws that don't go at all, which I believe is how they put together the Olympic logo. In my end

is my beginning. Frank Skinner. Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Who's that? The end. Anyway, that was Too Much Too Young.

Specials. Do you want to hear the specials? Oh, I'd love to hear the specials. Thanks very much. Right, we've got a doc thing. No, I thought you were going to... Okay. So, welcome back. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Alan. And we've got quite a few bargains coming in from the listeners. Turns out there are more thrifty brigades than you two.

Than you two, no. Don't pay any tax. You don't get any thriftier than that. That's pretty thrifty. I'm not sure they're browsing their charity shops for jigsaws. Somebody's put, I bought a jigsaw from a charity shop. Not only was there a bit missing, it somehow seemed worse because it was a corner piece. Innocent or just gullible, I think. Yeah, gullible.

That could be wedged though. I have to say, I once had a corner piece wedged in an inside flap of the box. That might be worth another look. Yes, that's worth checking. I hope they haven't thrown the rest away oh yeah in a fit of peak what about this i've got a framed jigsaw west bromwich albion uh 1969 oh that's good and there's a piece of that missing it's gone from within the frame oh well is it is it shaken down is that what's's happened? No, that was my thought.

In transit. And, yeah, I thought Ian Connard looking a bit lompy. Could it be? But no. But no. Somebody has texted in saying that they got reduced meat from their supermarket, like £90 worth for £40, and it's all in the freezer. I bet that's lovely, that meat. Can't wait to try some of that. Who buys £90 worth of meat? What is it? Is it a lion house?

Someone on the Atkins, isn't it? Exactly. Oh, yeah. I'll get their number. I might get on with them. Oh, no. How did you get it home? Occasionally, I catch myself at the till just everything in my basket's got orange stickers

on it. Reduced. Eat me now. And so I don't even know. So absentmindedly, I've just picked in my basket's got orange stickers on it reduced eat me now and so i don't even know absent-mindedly i've just picked up everything that's discounted it's good that you're thrifty in broken britain i used to shop like that in the old days you used to get stickers um in in the harbourn uh supermarket where i there used to be stickers that said things like eat within 20 minutes that sounds like something that's really on the turn. That's something that is nearly poison, I think.

That's what the sticker said. Nearly poison. Eat within 20 minutes. God, I mean, if there was a long queue at the checkout, you were dicing with death. Frank, can we discuss my favourite story of the week? Could you guess what that might be? There have been a few this week.

Yes, I bet it's the mother-in-law from hell. How much do I love that mother-in-law from hell? Carolyn Bourne. I know the names of all the players. I've committed them to memory. It is very much your story, I have to say. Heidi Withers and Freddie Bourne. What do you think?

Heidi Withers? I didn't know that. That was the Brightonese. She's a renowned grower of pinks, is her profession. Carolyn Bourne. But the main story was obviously this email that was circulated. And Heidi, by mistake, sent it to a friend and then it got circulated everywhere. And she said some quite rude things in it.

We should say that they're going to get married, Freddie and Heidi. And she's not the mother. Stepmother, you right frank she's the stepmother stay out of it yeah hasn't she read any fairy tales this woman already in being a stepmother you're you're dallying with wickedness yeah the uh stepmother pr is in overdrive right now exactly so she said no i don't know who did she send she sent the email the stepmother sent the email to the heidi right which is okay yeah saying that she was uh she said she was guilty of being staggeringly uncouth and there are a list of grievances she had they included things such as for example she said you do not stay in bed late

in a household that rises early and she said that's very ill-mannered you asked for second helpings you started eating before everyone else had i did that at my auntie dorian's what i did is i left the table without saying may i leave the table a tradition i'd never come across before in our house we didn't do that i just walked away from the house. I was called back. I mean, it was Smarties in Custer. It wasn't like it was a grand...

Have you ever had Smarties in Custer? They leave a smear. If you move one across the surface with a spoon, they leave a coloured smear. Like a shooting star. It's like a clown's diet. Who eats that? She was a clown, Aunty Dory. We never got home.

The car exploded. You do wonder what clowns eat until now, don't you? That's great. I wonder why clowns eat.

And do you want a drink of water with that? Yes, I will. And you give them a cup with just glitter in it. Oh, no.

Poor clowns. Well, we'll come back to this. It's a horrible, in many ways, it's a horrible story of family feuding and the like. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was Coaches and Horses by The Four. Nice. See, a man looks through a leaded glass window and sees in the street what he would have seen if he'd looked through that window when it was originally put in.

You with me? Mm-hmm. So, Frank... It's got a HG Wells feel to it, the whole thing. Yes. We were talking earlier about my favourite story of the week, which, just to remind everyone was this, it's a sort of

mother-in-law from hell story or stepmother-in-law from hell as you pointed out. She sent her future daughter-in-law a very vicious email. Why did she send it though? It was a dressing down wasn't it?

Yes. It was a dressing down. She'd been to stay with them and she was just saying you came to stay at and she mentioned the name of the property and she just accused her, she said she was just not a very nice house guest she also said you

plan to get married in a castle this is brash celebrity behavior and you shouldn't get married in a castle unless you own it that's what she said yeah i actually went out with someone who's family owned a castle did you yeah and uh. And they were very down to earth, nice people. I remember someone got onto the, there was a lake at the castle, someone got in and they didn't steal the rowing boat, they stole the oars from the rowing boat.

Can you imagine, who would do that? What's the point in that? We were talking, what are they going to do with it? My theory was that they were the sort of people who mix salad on the floor. And they didn't want to stoop. So... Passing giants.

Yeah. Or maybe they had a... Another thought. Maybe they had a ping-pong net, but no table. So they had to play table tennis on the floor, as it were, with the oars I just that's one of the problems of anyone here is thinking of getting a castle anyone who's listening in who's you know who's on me in an r-ing about the purchase of a castle um you have land with it and

people local people think they can just wander across and take stuff. That's what goes on with a castle. I inadvertently followed this woman's advice before the time. Who, Karen and Bourne? Yeah, we had a very modest wedding. There was only sort of very, very close family. So actually, our wedding, we could have had on a bouncy castle, had we fancied that. Yeah.

It wouldn't have had that much gravitas. It was probably about the same amount. Was it a white wedding you had? No. OK. No wedding dresses in the Oxfam? Our son was in attendance. I think it would have been inappropriate.

It's what I call one of those, Frank. Yeah. Oh, OK, fair enough. It's a conversation that got out of hand. I went to the most frustrating wedding I've ever been to. I'm not counting my own. The most frustrating wedding was... Well, I was told that was up there.

I went to my cleaner's wedding in Krakow. Oh. And she's Polish, my cleaner. And the wedding reception, it was a lovely occasion, the wedding reception was held at the local fire station. Oh. Was she marrying a fireman no oh but it's it's the only big building really in the town and and the frustration of being in a fire station with about 200 poles and not being able to do the joke at risk of offending someone i felt felt... I was tight. I was tight the whole...

I honestly thought you were going to say the frustration of being at a wedding reception while the alarm kept going off. No, no. People keep barrelling past and getting in there. That never happened, actually. I don't know if it was in use or not. Perhaps they just had a no-fire rule that day.

I went to a humanist wedding, you know, no religion. They're meant to be nice, aren't they? If you like no religion, it's like, somebody sneezed, I had to bite my lip. Couldn't have any... Anyway, so this wedding, it's still going on, is it?

Well, it's still going on, but she said someone, she also said that it left their pet dog, Bomber, profoundly upset, depressed and anxious. What kind of house visitor leaves pet dog, Bomber, profoundly upset, depressed and anxious. Yeah, what kind of house visitor leaves a dog upset? Yeah. And also, what kind of person calls their dog Bomber? I'll bet you any money that's some horrible in-family joke about Dresden.

I'll bet you that dog is named after Bomber Harris. That's the kind of woman we're talking about, isn't it? Everyone in this story seems to be an unpleasant. Every one of them is from the planet posh. Well, the bride's father. No, he's not. He's definitely not from the planet posh. He looks posh to me. He said he's got a £450,000 house in

Ledbury. No, but he had East End pinstripes on and he called her Miss Fancy Pants. I like that. I like that nickname, Miss Fancy Pants. Speaking of fancy pants, did you see Peter Crouch's wedding photos this week? No, I didn't. Yes, I did. He's got quite sticky out knees, surprisingly.

And in the suit, in a kind of loose trouser suit, the way the knees was visible, it looked like, you know when you see a stilt man and you can see the toes? Oh, yeah. The toes are pressing against the front of the trousers. He looked more like a stilt man than he's ever looked, Peter Crouch,

which is saying something. I suppose we don't often see him in long trousers. No, exactly. Given his years of football. Especially those, they were like silky. They were very stilt man. Maybe that's, maybe there's a shop. You know you get the outsized man shop for big people. Maybe there's a stilt shop where he gets his trousers.

It's not out of the question. Frank 131, when the oars got stolen, they should have bought a motorboat for big people. Maybe there's a stilt shop where he gets his trousers. It's not out of the question. Frank, 131, when the oars got stolen, they should have bought a motorboat for the castle. Well, it's all right saying that, but I remember, and this is absolutely true, sitting in the rowing boat sans oars, and I sort of thought if I really clenched my arms and shoulders and concentrated, I could make the boat move by willpower. And I really kidded myself that it was going slightly forward, but I started to get aches in my... Whatever those things. You know those things that come from your neck and...

I don't know. We can look it up. Have you got Grey's Anatomy? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. We can look it up. Have you got Grey's Anatomy? I'd like to go to a killer's gig with about a dozen gay men. And at the end of that song go we are dancers just to sort of settle there I also really wish that James Corden would do a song with Blur

Why? Just a chance for the band to be called Cordon Blur Oh, very good Such a missed opportunity There was a moment there where I was just thinking, when you said I'd like to go and see The Killers with a load of gay men, I was thinking, right, OK.

I would anyway. I was going to say, the story can end there. I would anyway, because they had a real laugh after and stuff. They need to get all that macho posturing and stuff. And if I want to talk about musicals, I can talk about musicals, and who's going to stare at me? It's a broad church, isn stare at me it is a broad church i'm a big fan of um words oh i am a wordsmith by trade one could argue

and i came across a new one this week it was was a bloke who was talking about Alex Salmond. Now, how do you say Alex? Is it Salmond? Oh, I always just say Salmond. Salmond. Salmond. Salmond. OK.

It probably is that. I just say Salmond. Scottish. Seems to make sense. So, I heard he once got stuck in the Queen Mother's throat as well. I mean, that could have been. I could have misread that. Wasn't that Kipper?

Was that Kipper? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not familiar with his work. But anyway, Alex Salmond, the head of the Scottish National... SNP, yeah. He was described... SNP.

Pardon? No, I just wanted to be clear. What did I say? No, I don't know. I wanted to make sure I'd said it properly. Oh, yeah, the SNP. And a bloke was talking about him, and he said, well, you know, I think this will happen over a period of time.

One thing about Alex Salmond, he's a gradualist. Ah. And I thought, what a brilliant... That's brilliant, isn't it? He's a gradualist. That translates being that he takes his time. Yeah, he does things gradually. I like to like... So, for example, with the music of the fall, I've been a gradualist.

There you go. In terms of coming to appreciate them. I was very much a suddenist. I just banged. Yeah. Of course, Alex Salmond, when he's playing with his children, and he has to go, boom, he works his way up to it,

and the whole thing doesn't work with them. They're bored. He is a gradualist. But I like that very much indeed. Also something I've noticed about Alex Salmond, am I wrong, or does he look like Todd Carty? Oh, he does. Tucker Jenkins, yeah.

Well, not so much. I'd say more Mark Fowler, period. Late Mark Fowler. Yeah. No, he recovered. Oh. Yeah. It's not quite as bad as the Bill, the Bill years, though.

No, well, I didn't watch him in the Bill. That was when he was in a dock in Asda. The Bill years. And I came across a good phrase as well. A bloke was saying that he got into a click trance. And a click trance is when you're on the internet. Oh. And you just... What he talked about, which is a very good example of a click trance. And a click trance is when you're on the internet, and you just... What he talked about, which is a very good example of a click trance,

is that he said, I was in a 20-minute hot or not click trance. Have you ever looked at hot or not? No. It's a picture of someone. Just people keep coming up, and you click to say whether they're hot or not. Wow.

And you can't get out of it. Once you're on the hot or not carousel, you're trapped. You're stuck. I love a new word. Well, I learned a good new internet word the other day, which was pancake people. And that means people who essentially

gain all their knowledge from the internet, so their knowledge is spread very widely but immensely thin. Oh, I see. Pancake people. I like pancakes. I get it. No, they don't like pancakes. No, they are.

Oh, I see. Yes, that's correct. Sorry, you didn't hear my apostrophe R-E. No, they get lost. No, it is easily lost. It's the accent. Yes. My wife told me that she heard a new word the other day, which was infradig. Are we aware of infradig? Yes.

Oh. I'm not. It's apparently beneath one's dignity. Hence me being aware of it. Of course. It's one of those slightly superior... You can imagine that mother-in-law in the email saying, oh, this is infradig.

And it means beneath... Why infra, then? Does that mean beneath? I couldn't break it down. I suppose infrastructure. Oh, man, I mean, yes. Font, Latin, the Yalta Conference. It's all there, isn't it? The clock's ticking, let's face it. Oh, hold on, I've just been passed a bit of paper.

It says, what exciting new words have you discovered lately? It's not the sort of note, you know, at school we used to get a note and it used to say things like, Susan Drury loves you. No, what exciting new words have you discovered, mate? Oh, it's the idea is that if the people at home, you, yes, you, if you've discovered any new words, keep it clean, for God's sake. I tell you, speaking of the computer you know that thing when you you put you click on something and it doesn't do it immediately

there's like a little circle goes around wheel of death yeah spinning wheel they call that rendering oh is that right and this bloke was talking about something and he said uh oh i don't know he said you know i've got the information but I'm just rendering at the moment, like thinking it through. And I thought, oh, I quite like that. I'm afraid I've chosen another song. OK. We'll see how it goes. I think if madness had been in the 1950s sci-fi classic

Forbidden Planet, this is what the soundtrack would have sounded like. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, as to renowned ectomorphs, yourself and Alan... Remind me again, does that mean we have spines? No, that means you're skinny. It's endomorph and ectomorph. Are you ectomorphs. Yourself and Alan. Remind me again. Does that mean we have spines? No, that means you're skinny.

It's endomorph and ectomorph. Are you ectomorphs? I'm ecto, yeah. There's meso as well. Don't exclude Frank. Mesomorphs. Yeah. The bigger people tend to be mesomorphs.

Okay. How dare you. Oh. Hello, is that the tea service? Yeah. Is that the obesity? Somebody rang a dinner bell at the mention of bigger people. Ironic.

Well, Frank, it's funny you should say that. Well, are we? Because I found, I'm afraid we're not in size zeros-ville anymore. I have gained, I've gained a few pounds. Not a massive amount. I'm getting tense, aren't we? Me too. Disgusting.

Okay, it's not a massive amount. No, of course not. It's a small amount. It's to do with I have been holidaying rather a lot recently. And I do like, you know, I indulge when I'm on the continent. Frank, stop it. No, I sound overeat. I'll let him get away with these ones.

Early Jaws still. So, I have gained a bit. It's all gone a bit Jaws Holland. Oh, holland actually put it like that how's it really can i tell you how i know that i haven't noticed can i can i just get that in early well done relax very well done no okay can i tell you how i know this scales no okay don't keep them in the house i have proof of this because earlier this summer i thought i'll get in shape for the summer, said to my godson, I borrowed a pair of his jeans, and I thought if I can get into those by the end of the summer,

I know I've lost weight, because he's like you, ectomorph, lovely and spelt. Yes, well, I remember once making a resolution to get into my godson's jeans, and the whole family gathering went quiet. Frank! Oh, my God. He was 35. Anyway, so I'm afraid I went to try the jeans on again. I could barely get them on. How old is your godson?

He's 17, Harvey. Oh, he's going to be... He's slim. All the young boys... Very skinny. They keep on about the obesity epidemic, but the young boys, they're very thin. Whip it thin. Their trousers don't even stay right the way up.

They're hanging down their behinds. Isn't that a fact? So, I went to try the jeans on. Couldn't even get them up. Couldn't get close to getting them on. Yeah, but, you know, I say a teenage boy. Well, I handed them back to him. I said, Harvey, I never quite made it, did I?

He looked at them. He said, these are actually your jeans. They're not my jeans. Yes, I know! It was a terrible moment. They're from your childhood, though. So, Frank, I'm seriously on a strict diet now. So I need some advice from the ectomorphs.

What do you suggest well i find um minor illness is um it's an absolute boon to weight loss yeah and also it helps get me through a minor illness if i get ill now i my first thought is how many days will i not be eating? Because what the best thing to cure, if I was to make up my sickbed on an enormous scales and I could watch the hand slowly going down, it would be perfect. It's a real incentive to me, that. I mean, you're not a proper doctor, are you,

if what you're recommending is a touch of the norovirus? No. But a friend of mine said to me, I went to India, she said it was amazing, I got dysentery, I lost nearly a stone. Yeah, well, I'm into the norovirus, we had a touch of the norovirus. Bit of the noros? Oh, flying out. Oh, no.

No water retention, nothing. No. It was gone. What if you'd been clowns? It would have just been glitter. Yeah, yeah. Quite pretty to look at. Yeah, nothing. No. It was gone. What if you'd been clowns? You'd have just been glitter. Yeah, yeah. Quite pretty to look at. Yeah, well.

The pan. Well, the thing I do is I bread. Bread is the big, bread's the murderer as far as getting iron. What I do, if I'm trying to lose weight now, I just butter the palms of my hands and eat the sandwich filling out of that. And it sounds grotesque, but it does work. Trust me on that one.

Yeah, I try and avoid a bit of bread. Very convenient though, isn't it, bread? Oh, it's handy. You can see why it caught on with the old sandwich. It's good as wrapping for food, I find. Anyway, we'll come back to this because it's something that concerns, apparently, according to statistics, it concerns a large part of the nation. If we can fight the obesity

crisis on this programme, that would make me very happy. And not the obesity crisis. Yeah, but first of all, let's sort out some travel, right? Because these people, you know, with the aid of the mobile scooter and that, they can still get around. I haven't written them off.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. Walk. Foo Fighters. Perhaps that's a diet tip. I just say walk. Walk is a good... Thank you very much.

I'll bear that in mind. Walk more. On the subject... Not in those heels. No. On the subject of diet tips, somebody's texted in that 90 pounds worth of meat for the price of 40 pounds

and nothing else would help lose weight. No carbs. Well, surely you'd gain 90 pounds for a start off it's not sustainable though it's not balanced i can't keep that going i'm not david hayes i mean i'm not that's the trouble i'm not aerobicizing enough to work out work off that amount of meat what do lions do for carbs different metabolisms though haven't they surely they eat some grass with it also. That's not carbs, is it? The grass diet. Where do they get, you know, what, polenta, you think?

That's a good phone-in for next week. What's it texting? What do lions do for carbs? Exactly, yeah. I can imagine a bit of polenta being mixed up in the den. I think someone will text in with lions' bodies not needing carbohydrates. They get it all off lean meat.

They get all their energy. People recommend the caveman diet, but I don't like the idea of being on the caveman diet. It doesn't sound very me somehow. I've experimented with the paleo diet, in fact. It's good. He's gone out of the closet, the old dieter. Snack on fruit and nuts.

It's not really diet that I find. I just couldn't find anywhere that sold dinosaur meat. Well, I'm going a step further. I'm actually applying most of their moral codes to my life as well. No. My wife's not a massive fan. No. Well, the hair must be coming out in handfuls.

I keep putting her over my shoulder and running around the local area with her. As long as you keep it local, I think. In the north, they're a bit more tolerant. In the north, everyone's on the paleo lifestyle. Kate Middleton, as we used to call her. It seems like only yesterday. She apparently has only blueberries for breakfast. And then for lunch, she has steam.

And then for lunch, she has steam. And then dinner, she has a plain salad described to her by a lady in waiting, and she absorbs it only through her imagination. That sounds like my dream diet. I'm doing it now. Yeah, and I have to say, it's fallen off her, the wait. It has. Oh, I'd be hungry, though. I'd be hungry.

I think she's too busy. I don't think you'd be hungry if you was married to Prince William, would you? It wouldn't seem right to be hungry. I don't think he'd sit me. You don't think so? I don't. I'm prepared to say it. Extraordinary conversation.

She's texted him, cut out bread and no carbs in the day, lost a stone in four weeks. Again, it's not sustainable. Yeah, but don't do it the David Baddiel way. Yeah, I went out for lunch once with David Baddiel. He had mashed potato and then he had a pudding. I said, what happened to the Atkins diet? He said, I don't go on it till two o'clock in the afternoon.

That's great. It was an interesting... He looked well, wasn't he? Nice. Frank, defenestrate to throw someone out of a window. Ah. That's word for the day. What does defenestrate mean in its original?

It doesn't have a normal meaning. I don't know. Is it like exfoliate? No, I think defenestrate came from... I think there was some Czechoslovakian thing where they were throwing people out of windows. It originated. And then somebody else told me that it came from the French de fenêtre.

I don't speak French, but that's just something I'm repeating. Well, I know it's French for window, yeah. But even... No, really? Very difficult to get defenestrate into an everyday conversation, though. Well, I don't know. Not if you're a rock star on tour. Where's the television gone? Oh, sorry. I defenestrated it. I think it means

a person, to throw a person out of a window. Surely anything out of a window. No, I think someone can text us in and let us know this. I'm pretty sure it's a person. Because I like the idea of a potential pub fight. Look, lads, I don't want to have to defenestrate you. And then we go, we're going to have to go.

I wouldn't dare say that in a pub fight. Also, just finally, we have got an update on the lion-carb situation. Jonathan in South Woodford. Lion-carbs or lion-cobs? The secondary function of protein is energy, so the gazelle meat or whatever is enough. There you go. Oh, OK.

Thanks, Jonathan. Jonathan in South Woodford, which is where I got the double tape deck from the charity shop. So loser Jonathan got there first. Be good to it. Be good to the bargain. Missed out on the Tom Lehrer double cassette. Eat your heart out.

Not so clever now. Plenty of protein in that. Yeah, so we've moved now towards the end of the show um the way the mighty glaciers moved across the british isles all those years ago before they bought man united so um not the weekend podcast which is completely different from this we sit in a small studio and hey we just riff you Are you with me? That'll be available from Wednesday for downloading. It's downloaded.

We're on something like six million so far this year. Is that right, John? Can you believe that? Thank you. I told you that, wasn't it? Humility. I can just plot humility out of the air like that.

Not everyone can. I can't, for example. No, you won't have it in the house. Humility. Ben Jones is next. I'm slightly worried. I haven't seen him yet. No. Is it going to be a case that the next song will end and then there'll just

be silence? Oh, my. He will know diet tips, though, because he's buff. I know, but I am worried he hasn't showered up yet, but I'm sure he'll be, you know. He's been, he's a reliable pro and all that lot. But what if he's fallen? What if he's had one of his falls? Has anyone thought about that?

No. If, um, we might be back after the news, the way it's going, and then I imagine they'll send out for, um, DLT. Isla Sinclair, when we did a chat show, we had a letter from Isla Sinclair's agent that said Isla will do last minute and drive herself. So if Ben doesn't turn up, all is well.

Anyway, as they said in Tron, end of line. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.