The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Best Of Part 1

Episode Date: December 25, 2010

In the first of 4 Best Of's Frank and Emily talk about their worst ever xmas, Gareth sings a festive song and there is chat with guests Sarah Milican, Rob Deering and Cerys Matthews.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show. All the choicest cuts for your delectation. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio with Trebor Softmints.

Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. Max Clifford's jacket. Sorry, I was just looking at a picture of Max Clifford's jacket in the newspaper and I'm a little shaken, I'll be honest with you. I'll get over it, it's going to be alright. So what he's gone for, Max, he's having to read out Vanessa Peron- Peronsell.

Yes, Polisell's thingy. Statement. Statement, yes. Okay, thanks. I don't normally work with a prompt. Looks like it should start. So he's gone out with this bit of paper to read to the press and what he's gone for, Looks like it should start. So he's gone out with his bit of paper to read to the press. And what he's gone for, it's a sort of, I'd call it a bomber jacket.

It's at the waist, but it's black. And at the top, there's a sort of a panelled section on the chest. A sort of a shy, almost like a patent leather. Quilted. Yeah, quilted. Quilted. A bit like the old goalkeeper shirts. Obviously, Max has thought, I'd better go and read that statement,

that'd be loads of photographers. I know what I'll wear, I'll wear that thing with the quilted PVC. Maureen! Maureen, have you seen that black jacket? You know the one with the quilted, shiny, leathery... Yeah, where... Well, why is it in there? I need it now!

Oh, that's what's happened with Max. He's actually looked in the mirror and thought, yeah, that'll do me for the press statement. Looking good. Oh, come on. Let's go quilted. It's got a slight blouson quality to it, which we don't often see these days. There's a hint of blouson.

Yeah. And the jacket, the actual upper, the collar, looks like there's an element of knitting going on. Oh, honestly, he's got... That woman's had some blues on. Oh! Well, I can only... That is...

How can we celebrate this? Let me see now. This'll do it. What a start it is on this fabulous... That's the morning! And we're off on... This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily.

I'm with Gareth. I got pig iron! I got all pig iron! What is that pig iron thing? It's a thing that Lonnie Donegan, who, as you know, is very popular on Absolute Radio, has played a lot. He used to do a song...

It's the Cumberland Gap. And in the Cumberland Gap, it's about a railway driver. You don't want to know this, but he's getting to the Cumberland Gap. He pretends that he's got some stuff on board that he doesn't have to pay. And then as he goes past, he brags, I got pig iron! I got all pig iron! You can imagine the administrator saying, pig iron? What is that? Anyway, so that's what happened.

In the words of Vanessa Parencel, oh my God! Exactly, yeah. Apparently she was very upset about John Terry losing the captaincy. I bet she was, yeah. Anyway, you know, life goes on. I think we all have to just put a brave face on it. Mark Little is our guest this morning. Remember Mark Little, who used to be put a brave face on you. Mark Little is our guest this morning. Remember Mark Little?

He used to be in Neighbours? Yeah. That's awful. Didgeridoo? It doesn't sound very nice, though. No, well, it's not very nice. It's a didgeridoo. The Aborigines, they don't do nice.

They do vital. It's so low. It is very low. I once, I was being light-hearted, I said to this didgeridoo player in Edinburgh, do you know All By Myself? And he just

ignored me. I thought it would be possible if you were very good at the... Wouldn't they? That's what they need to incorporate, melody. I've always said that about the Aborigines. What do they whistle? You can't, you know. Oh, I love that didgeridoo player. What is that?

That's me whistling. Oh, I thought it was an insect. Oh, God, I forgot I'd thrown that. Okay, so thanks for getting that, Gareth. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank. Frank Skinner. Absolutely. Radio. And relax. I've had my hair cut. You know, I'm quite pleased with it.

Yeah, I like it. I actually went in and the woman said, what would you like? And I said, I'm thinking early Morrissey. And she was quite young, Australian. I thought she went in Morrissey. And she said, yeah, that's the look at the moment. I thought, well, I'm liking the sound of it being the look. So that's what I've gone for.

I like it, Frank. It looks quite military. Yes, well, short back and sides always does. There's an element of poor house about it. But I'll tell you what I like. I said, because I've learnt now what I need. And I say, clippers on three all the way around. What does that mean, really short? That's the setting. It means it looks like this.

Okay. And she started really going at it. And it's a great thing when the hair's dropping off you with the clippers. It's a very... Tell me about it. Yeah, you can see why sheep have that contented smile on their faces. Because it's lovely to feel it all. Just to feel all the hair coming off.

And I said, it's great, isn't it, with the clippers to just go at it? She said, yeah. She said, I'd love to do this to my dad, but I don't think he'd let me. And I thought... Oh! Just a minute. What do you mean, I'd love to do this to my dad? Like, obviously I'm somebody's dad.

He was thinking, ooh, he's still trying to relive his youth. And I'm sitting there in the chair, abused, I felt. How old was this creature? Oh, she was probably, I'd probably say early 20s. Oh, how very dead she is. Oh, I wish I could do this to more dead, she said. Yeah, the clippers were a bit, they sounded a bit like that. So that was, well, I was, I'd already had

the difficult situation because she said, so you're working today? Yeah. And I said, yeah, I'm working after this. And she said, what do you do? And I said, well, she was nice, don't get me wrong, I'm making this up, but she wasn't nice. She just noticed I was old and wasn't good enough to not refer to it. I said, oh, no, I thought, I'm prepared to lie if someone asks me what I do, if they don't know, because if you say you're a comedian, I mean, people, you know, especially a hairdresser, I don't want them to think that gives them licence to do something comical with my hair.

Oh, yeah. Something ridiculous. You don't want a comedy hairdo. No, I don't want that sort of castellation that you get on castles, you know, like an oppy bit and a downy bit and an oppy bit. I can't have anything too castle-like because I get Torrit syndrome. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I apologise. Did she ask you what you did? So she asked me what I did and I said, well, it's complicated. I'm a comedian. And she said, oh. Is that all she said? Yeah, that's the end of that. i thought maybe she thinks i'm being you know jocular but they were listening in there they were listening to absolute 80s which in case you don't know absolute they have a whole string of other channels behind their backs going on and with no djs as well

almost if they're moving towards that as an ideal. Anyway, absolute 80s, as you might guess, is for people in their 80s. There's a lot of Lonnie Donnie going on there. It's my favourite. Yeah, and a lot of stuff about the war. They keep replaying the abdication speech, don't they? There was some quite disparaging stuff about Hitler I thought was unnecessary. And the jingle is the sound of a doodle bog, which apparently sends the poor listeners into paroxysms of fear.

Anyway, they had absolute 80s. Now, there is a song, there is probably one song I can think of that whenever it's played, I have to dance. And I mean, I have to dance. And it came on in the shop and I thought, oh, no. This was before I got into the chair. It's that one, don't leave me this way. Oh, Bonski beat.

I can't survive. If I've gone slightly off mic, it's because I'm dancing. Oh, my God. And I don't sing along with it, but I do have to dance, right? And I can't dance in here. It was early in the morning. The other people in there that look sullen. And I did that dancing sitting down that you do when you're at a club.

Oh, shuffling in your seats. Yeah. My feet were moving all over the place, but I was still seated. I found it made me, if anything, more agile that I was sitting, because I did things with my feet I couldn't have done if I was standing, unless I was wearing one of them jetpacks like Roger Moore. I think we'll have some adverts, and then I'll tell you what happened to me when I bought a watch.

You won't believe it! Here's another highlight of The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Mark Little is our guest today. We're talking about his... What is it? It's a show. And it's called Defending the Caveman. It's at the Leicester Square Theatre. And then you take it nationwide.

Yeah, we go out again. We go out again for the spring tour. We're actually doing Dubai first. I went to Dubai. I think it's broke. Have they got no money there? Apparently not. But there's one theatre there. There's a theatre and a few people wandering around looking for something to Dubai. I think it's broke. Have they got no money there? Apparently not. But there's one theatre there.

There's a theatre and a few people wandering around looking for something to do. Oh, okay. Apparently so. We're going. Yeah. And that's hilarious

because a lot of South Africans, expats, and then these blokes come in with these harems and all these burka women sit there and you think, oh, I wonder if they're enjoying anything.

I think they're really up and down. Well, John Terry and his wife are heading out there. Oh, good. Well, there you go. They'd love it, wouldn't they? Oh, they're going to have a great time. He's going to have a great time, isn't he?

Yeah, he should come along. That'll be a great show. Oh, that'll be a lovely holiday for them, I'm sure. So what do you think? It's been in the papers this week about men at work, which to me was, I think my first awareness of what Australia was about was that song Down Under. Can you believe it?

Yeah, when did that come out originally? Was that when it was released? That was about 79, 80. Yeah, we you believe it? Yeah, when did that come out originally? Was that when it was out? That was about 79, 80. Yeah, we looked it out, 81, 82, yeah. And then it was big when Australia won the America's Cup in about 88, I don't know when it was, something around. What is the America's? Is that yachting?

It's a yachting cup, for goodness sake. What could be big during a yachting cup? Oh, mate. What's happened to Australia? Exactly. It's still trying to get away. That's when Australia turned. We didn't used to be a flag-waving nation until we won that stupid cup, and we

were all supposed to care about it, and then now come this song. And then the other day we all learned, oh, the Kookaburra song's in there, is it? Oh, so we'd better have a go and have a listen. You see, I learnt the Kookaburra song, because you can probably tell from my accent, Mark, I grew up in Australia. Oh, yes, it's still very strong. Yeah, it's clear. I'm surprised you haven't broken into the Kookaburra song. I thought health from home and away had actually sneaked in.

You bludger. You flaming mongrel. Oh, there you go, it's all there. But it's true, Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. It's sad, isn't it? It's really sad. Come on, give us a verse there. Mark, one, two, three. Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. Merry, Mark, one, two, three. Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. Merry, merry king of the bushes he loves.

Kookaburra loves. Kookaburra gay your life must be. Brilliant. That works really well in the round. And now we have to pay someone 60%. 60% who doesn't even own the song, didn't they? She wasn't a good... They weren't good.

Gosh, he's gone, that woman. But they're dancing in the streets in Earl's Court. Oh, they are. Oh, it's more than that. Fabulous. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, anyway, it is sort of Christmassy. Mmm.

I had a... I think one of my worst ever Christmases was I had an argument with my... My dear old mum and dad was alive. I was living at home and I had a big argument with my dad. He had some complaint. Oh, it's very common to row at Christmas, isn't it? He had a complaint about the lunch. And he started, he got his knife and he said, I don't like this.

And the cabbage hit the wall. And then he said, I don't like this. And like, you know, a piece of turkey landed on the carpet. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it that's all i'm saying now the apple actually that went on the seat at the side um uh but anyway i said i've i've had enough of this i said and i i put my coat on i stormed out did you and i remember i had blue um what they used to call brothel creeper shoes. I know them well. And I remember walking down the street, and this was in the days no one even went out on Christmas

Day. You used to see, sometimes you'd see families walking very slowly together, carrying toys, and they were visiting a relative, and they were showing what had been bought. Anyway, I just walked, and I could hear that tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, my shoes as I walked. Oh, fine. And then I realised I had nowhere to go, there was no shops open i hadn't

eaten yet and i was starving and cold and i ended up i found a shop that was open and my christmas dinner was um chicken crisps oh frank that's so sad well it was but that that's one of the uh problems of uh storming out i think you have to storming out. I stormed out Christmas before last. I imagine you storm out most years. Oh, yeah. My ex-boyfriend used to call me Carkeys, because I was always grabbing my car keys ready to storm out. That was my nickname, go, all right, Carkeys.

That's why he called you that. I thought you were a swinger. Well, I was that as well, but that's another show. And also, you went with a lot of soldiers. So that's this week's phone-in. Why was Emily called... No, no, carry on. Carry on, khakis.

I stormed out. I stormed out. And I know it seems unreasonable, but please... Hold on, I'm getting ready for this one. Let me settle myself in my chair. I'd arrived at my sister's where all the family were gathered and they'd started opening the presents without me

and I just thought it was really mean. That is mean. Oh, I'm glad you agree with me. You were right to storm out. So I grabbed my car keys and I stormed out. Did you grab your presents as well? Yeah, they weren't having any of those. Are you kidding? I thought you did on the grand gesture and said, why don't you open my presents as well? Yeah, they weren't having any of those. Are you kidding? I thought you'd have done the grand gesture and said, why don't you open my presents as well, you vermin?

And then left. I think vermin's always this lovely yuletide. Gareth, you don't strike me as a storming Norman type. Well, I haven't done it recently, but when I was a kid, there was a couple of very awkward times, because you have to think about what you're going to do once you've stormed out, don't you? That's the thing. Well, you're in a rage so you don't do that you don't plan ahead with us

once i did um we were that's not storming out that's just leaving once when um we were at um my grandma's house and um we were not allowed to go to our cousin's house if they well we were being naughty my mom does if you're naughty anymore we're not going to go and visit your cousins so me and my brother joel push can i just say there is a gareth family tree available on the absolute website so you can follow this story that's the granny the cousins the brother i mean what is this the four sides saga you're listening to the best of the frank skinner show on absolute radio happy christ Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Absolute Radio. Whenever I used to, as a youth,

whenever I went to the toilet, to sitting down toilet, that kind of going to the toilet, I used to be interviewed by Michael Parkinson. And it was a kind of a to-be-continued, so it was a long, long meandering interview, which we used to pick up on, you know, from the... It was a kind of a to-be-continued. So it was a long, long meandering interview, which we used to pick up on, you know, from the... Because I'm quite regular. Pick up on the previous question and say,

but then again, Michael... And he probably interviewed me on the toilet, I'd say, for a total of about four and a half years. Really? And were there questions about what you were doing at the specific time you were talking to him? No, they weren't about that, because in a way

i wasn't doing it in the course of the interview i was in a slightly different okay so what did he ask you about well he asked me about you know um playing for barcelona okay for some reason i played for barcelona in when i was on parkinson what was your highlight of playing for barcelona well he asked me that you know that was quite a long conversation. I also thought, I mean, I was, you know, I'd won a couple of World Cups with England, so we talked about that at length. Did you ever actually end up on Michael Parkinson? I did end up on Michael Parkinson. Did you get a special toilet seat? No, I do. What happened, when I was on Michael Parkinson, he actually shouted at me. He didn't? He did. There was a terrible moment in there. I was sitting next to Sir Steve. You know when you have a few people like that?

Oh, yeah. And Sir Steve Redgrave was to my left and Parkinson was to my right. And he was asking me about something. And I turned to Steve Redgrave and said, well, I said, you must have been seeing the track. And Parkinson, honestly, Parkinson said, look, are you doing the interview? Are you talking to him? Oh, grumpy Parkinson. Yeah, and I went, so the audience all all left which he didn't like and i said you

weren't like this on the toilet and um he got really in a problem did he get shirted yeah exactly that that was what exactly what he said he got a proper northern cob on they called it they called it a couple yes i know yes don't let don't go any further with that proper northern cobon yes he got really he got a proper or he got unfriendly with me and i thought there was there was no need for that and you know i i put a curse on him of course at the time and now he advertises death on daytime television. So, you know, when he says, I've had some marvellous memories and you get a free pen just for

inquiring, like old age pensioners are going to go ooh, free pen, yes, we're in there. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily and I'm with Garethute Radio, and I'm with Emily, and I'm with Gareth, but more importantly, I'm with Rob Deering. Good morning.

Good morning. I say Rob Deering. Now, nobody help him. Do you know what that music is? Yeah, it's John Williams' Cavatina, and the reason you played it is because it's from The Deer Hunter. Wow. Fancy asking. I mean, Rob, I am a musician and be a big film fan. He's obviously going to...

He only knew it from Take Heart, the gallery. Do you remember that? That shows my age. Yeah, well, no, no, because if you're really old, it's... DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO It's do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- So, good morning, Rob. And Rob is... What can I say? How can I describe you, Rob? When I first met you, you were a stand-up comedian, and now you've blossomed into a sort of a musical extravaganza, as far as comedy is concerned. Yeah, that sums it up. I introduced the guitar lightly into my act, and it's taken over my world.

But it's mainly because I'm a wannabe, you know, it's because I never had a band. So gradually I'm turning from a comedian into a band. Yeah, well, there are comedians that would rather be pop stars. Are you one of those? Yeah, I think so, although I think it's... No, I think that people want it. I've actually kind of...

I wouldn't want to be a pop star because you have to play the songs all the way through and there's no chance to kind of pull a funny face and get a laugh. So I've actually got the best of both worlds. But you're on tour at the moment, is that right? Well, I'm just on a kind of ongoing, I've just got lots of gigs. Is it the NeverEnding Tour? It's the NeverEnding Tour. It's not, it's not, but it's good, it's because there's some lovely shows in there, but it's not a show tour, it's just, you know, so there's all

kinds of gigs in there. Can I say, Rob, that you are one of these people who, you seem to be a smile. Whenever I see, I do, even though it's early in the morning, I thought when Rob Deering turns up, he will be, he will emanate light in some way with his smile, right? Well, it's good of you, but can you imagine how hard it is for me when I'm actually cross? Yeah, well, I can't even imagine it, because either you're full of joy, or your face muscles are in perpetual spasm, that have dragged your mouth into some rictus grin.

Yeah. But I hope it's not that big. No, it's not that. Although I do actually have a kind of muscular disorder just in front of my ears. Oh, gosh. That is embarrassing, isn't it? I can't believe you brought that up. That's terrible. No, but, you know, it's different for me.

I look in the mirror and look really serious and think, yeah, that looks good. And then I realise that no one else in the world has ever seen that face because I'm grinning like, I don't know, like a loon or Tom Cruise all day. Now, the only time I can imagine your smile might have faltered slightly was when you were on a TV show, right, called 99 Things to Do Before You Die. Mm-hm. And you did something that you felt you'd always wanted to do, I assume.

And, I mean, I have to be careful what words I use. Which one are we talking about? Well, you drank your own urine. Yeah, that wasn't something I'd always wanted to do. Oh, it wasn't? No, no, no, no. Oh, I thought it was a burning ambition. If it was a burning ambition...

Which is why you shouldn't drink it. Well, you should try cranberry juice. It's absolutely marvellous. There was a Victorian actress called Fanny Burney who used it all the time. So, I hope... That was a good deadpan, by Burney, who used it all the time. So, I mean... That was good deadpan, by the way. Radio deadpan. How was it, Rob?

It was horrific. It was really terrible. It was on the first day on that show, which is why I didn't say no. I think if it had been a fortnight later, I would have said no. It was warm, tasted of vegetables. Oh, Rob. Well, you can't blame him. There's a lot of people eating breakfast

Sorry, you've opened up a can of worms there No, well, you're up to a can of worms Delicious Well, I say can of worms Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio Here's another highlight of the Frank Skinner Show On Absolute Radio With Tree Boss of Mints

Working towards a mintier world Absolute Radio Good with Trebor Softmints, working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. Good morning to our regular listeners and any new ones who might have joined us. That's what they say in the Catholic Church. They say good morning to everyone. If there's any non-Catholics in, welcome anyway. They say they don't mean it, and they say it. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth.

That's the morning! That was Gareth. We don't have anything with Emily and Gareth. That's the morning! That was Gareth. We don't have anything with Emily speaking. No. Well, hold on, I think this might be you, is it? That's in my little milk float that I drive around town. Oh, I'd love a milk float to drive. They do say. That's my dream car, Frank.

Well, somewhat. A milk float, I love it. A customised milk float. Pink. That's what I want. Will you buy it for me? Thank you. Do you remember that old Les Dawson joke? He said, I remember when I first saw my... You'll know what's coming now. He said, when I first saw my wife, something electric passed between us. It was a milk float. It was marvellous.

You could use that today in your Valentine's Day banter. I heard that Prince Charles, he used to go out into London on a milk float with, like, an armed guard. And Prince Charles would wear a flat cap over the coat. Yeah, yeah, because he wanted to see ordinary people

that weren't basically either dancing or giving his girlfriend flowers. So he used to sit with, like, a guard, and they used to drive around, and he used to say, oh, God, look at those funny, like, people, like, going to work and stuff. What's all that about, he used to say. I can't see him on the milk float. Going to work? What's all that about?

Prince Charles' stand-up. I like the sound of that. Yeah. Yeah, so that was, um, I've hurt my throat now, you see, that's what I that was... I've hurt my throat now. See, that's what I've done. I've hurt my throat. Have you both bought Valentine's presents for your girlfriends? I couldn't possibly answer that. I have bought one for Gareth's wife. But that's something I think best kept quiet.

I'm not prepared to answer. Have you, Gareth, are you not prepared? It is a secret. But Laura sent a card to Absolute. Did she? Yeah, and it was supposed to answer. Have you, Gareth, are you not prepared? Is it a secret? It is a secret, but yes. But Laura sent a card to Absolute. Did she? Yeah, and it was supposed to be, thank you. She's having an affair with Absolute Radio.

She sent it to Neil Francis. It was to me. Oh. But I saw... Does she not know your home address? Are you estranged? Are you telling me you're estranged? I've been sending text messages on my PeES You Go mobile phone to glamour models.

Okay. I haven't really. I don't know about you. I felt you were taking us on a journey then. I didn't want to go on, but I went with you anyway. That's what trust is all about. Well, I am, yes, I have a girlfriend, as you may know. She's called Kath.

People who listen will know that I mention her. Kath has a habit of saying things not quite correctly. Yeah, I'm familiar with this. Yes, she says like, you know, old adages and proverbs. But she once said to me, you know what they say, Jack would eat no Sprat. And this week, she was on about something she'd been to. She said, oh, it was like pulling blood.

Which, if you think, would be incredibly difficult, unless, you know, unless it was in canisters of some kind. But my favourite, she was talking about someone she'd spurt into. So I said to her, you know, and she'd confronted someone about something. She said, you should have seen him. It was like a fish in headlights. And she's not joking.

I said, well, that's what I don't understand about it. I'm just trying to explain, you know, the nature of our love. And also I walked into work with her this week and she looked proper cold. She always wears a scarf. She wasn't wearing a scarf. It was a freezing cold morning.

I said, why aren't you wearing a scarf? Have you lost it? She said, no. She said, I've got these spots on my neck. I'm trying to freeze them out. That's not medically possible, is it? Unless it's like Veruca's. You freeze them with liquid nitrogen, don't you?

Can you get Veruca's on your neck? Besides, it wasn't. Oh, this is a nice Valentine's topic. Yes. I don't... Yes, also, it wasn't so cold as, like, liquid nitrogen cold. I mean, imagine the walk to work to liquid nitrogen. It'd be like the beginning of a Uriah Heep gig.

Those of you who remember Uriah Heep, I think you should be tuning to Absolute Classic Rock. You're on the wrong thing if you're waiting for... London! Which is, that's my impression of Absolute Classic Rock, if you've never heard it. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I'm quite excited. Why am I quite excited? I'm quite excited. Why am I quite excited? I'll tell you why. Because Gareth, our lovely Gareth, is about to premiere his Christmas song. And me and Emily are on the bells. Have you got your bells ready? Yeah, I've got my bells. OK, so this is Gareth with Christmas Calm Down. That's right. That's the sound of the Omnicord. It's the feeling that comes the same time each year

After the presents and the Christmas cheer It's supposed to be cosy and quintessential But now you feel hollow and existential Santa watches TV like a slob Rudolph treats himself to a nose job After the excitement of Christmas morning Frosty tries to hide from global warming It's the Christmas come down

Makes you want to down a gallon of sherry and drown When you feel the melancholy setting in Eat about 40 biscuits then open another tin It's the Christmas come down Because everything is bleak At the end of the day It's just another day of the week. Especially if you're an atheist, a Jew or a Sikh.

Your presents are rubbish, no one took a hint. The wrapping paper adds to your carbon footprint. Your family just sits around and sigh. You didn't see them last year, now you remember why. You make a mental note of gifts to take back. Either Grandad's snoozing or he's had an attack. This year no angels have appeared. Except to Auntie Glad, but she's a bit weird

It's the Christmas come down more depressing than the smell of your dad's dressing gown when you feel like you're losing the will to live don't take the pills Christmas is the time to give

It's the Christmas come down but the possessions can't satisfy. Well, maybe for a bit, but they're pointless when you die. It's the Christmas come down, when Jesus came down to earth. It's the time of year, when we celebrate the virgin birth. Sorry, I got that bit wrong. Do that again.

It's the time of year when you celebrate the absolute birth. Ha ha ha! Yay! Oh, a star is born. Oh, marvellous. Oh, I love that, Gareth. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show.

All the choicest cats for your delectation. Absolute radio. We have Keris Matthews in the studio. Good morning. Good morning. Now, can I start by saying you've been in since about quarter to seven? I love early mornings on a Saturday. Yeah.

I don't know who said call time was half past five in the morning, but I was here. Well, I'm sorry about that, but we felt terribly guilty. In fact, we've all been sitting here watching you occasionally pacing around outside. It's okay. Thinking she will be leaving by the time she comes in here. I've stolen a few things. I had plenty of time to pack my bag. I've had a good look around Absolute Radio Station.

It's lovely. This is the best room in the place. Oh, I think so. It's the warmest. Have the best view of London town, and the sun is shining. There's nothing wrong with that. Well, that was a marvellous sobbing up of our day, I thought.

So, anyway, welcome, Keris. It's great to have you on. Thank you. And should we start by saying you've got a new album and a new single out? Yeah. And we're going to be playing the new single in a bit, so get your fingers on your record buttons.

Actually, you shouldn't say that, shall we? Because Lily Allen will follow up and say... Not at the moment. It's a hot topic at the moment. It is a hot topic. Do you know what I found out this morning? Oh, I could just eat a hot topic. Do you like hot topics?

Oh, just thinking about it. I'm a sneaker girl myself. I've heard that. Have you really no they're saying now that the government have seen an opportunity and they're going to tax broadband so where they're saving money with like free downloads of music now the government go

oh there's some money to be made somewhere and they're going to tax it I think that's the first political statement we've ever had on this show and I enjoyed it for one I'm not sure if it's true or not but it's what I heard on the grapevine it worked even better in that accent. It reminded me

when Neil Kinnock was in Full Flow. We all thought he was going to be a great leader. He had the mugs made and everything. I'm channeling

Glenys myself. If he'd have looked like her he would have been a good leader. Oh, look out. Thank you. Yes, well, exactly. I did that.

Quarter to five in the morning. It's not still quarter to five. Time doesn't stop at absolute rates. What time is it now, Frank? There's a big clock

on the wall. I'm in a bit of a haze right now. Anyway, so you've got a new album and you're doing a tour as well. I am.

I've got a tour starting mid-October. We're playing London on the 21st in Union Chapel which is a beautiful venue. Oh, I've seen you in the Union Chapel, actually.

I was pregnant back then, 2003. Oh, don't look at me. I mean, I was 12 rows back then. Were you there? Have you really seen me there? Yeah, I saw then 2003. well don't look at me i mean i was i was i was 12 rows back were you there have you really seen me there yeah i saw you there you didn't wave no well i did i'm not very good with celebrities i get very angry i mean i honestly thought that you would build yourself up into a diva crescendo during the three hours you waited you're coming in would all be terrified turns out you're really lovely i don't mind an early morning i've been up you know and it is a beautiful day today I'm looking forward to a great weekend of sport.

You're after an announcer's job. You'll be liking rugby and stuff like that. I don't understand anything. I'm going to watch Luton play Cambridge today. We're going to have a family mass outing of London, drive out of London shortly, get the yellow, I mean, not yellow, I'm off, orange flags out, and off to Cambridge.

Oh, okay. Do you often go to see Luton? Yes. Brilliant. That's brilliant. I'm going to West Brom today. Are you? Yeah, to see West Brom Crystal Palace, which annoys me because Crystal Palace is not too far from where I live.

So you get all the flags out and nowhere to go. Well, I thought we could have, couldn't we have come to some agreement, met in Milton Keynes and played the game there? Save me and Crystal Palace and all their fans having to go all the way up to West Bromwich. But you can't. You can't get these things done on short notice. We only have this except. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Listen to this. This is the newspaper. It's about Tiger Woods' confession. There's a bit I said when he said, I do plan to return to golf one day. I don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out

it'll be this year. I felt there should be another couple of sentences that said, actually, I'm in the thing next week. In fact, actually, I've got to go now. I'm teeing off in ten minutes. I like that he pointed out that his wife wasn't to blame. Yeah, funny that, because we never thought she was.

Yeah, I'll just say she never hit me. Can I make that clear? She's never hit me. She's been completely decent through the whole thing. Actually, we didn't come here to think, oh, that poor Tiger Woods has been hit by his wife. I wish I'd been sat in that semicircle. I'd have had a few things to say.

Now, listen, we've had a text in, Frank. Samantha is in Philadelphia. Samantha. There isn't a song called that, but if there was, it would go like that. Well, she's in Philadelphia. OK. And she says, it's 3am in America. Me and my friends are crowded around my computer trying to sober up prior to bed.

Oh, she's made it sound a bit sleazy now. I'm going to school in America and have forced all my friends to listen to you. Now it's become ritual on Friday nights after coming back from the pub to listen to you until 5am. Isn't that cool? Marvellous. I can hear the clink of orthodontic braces as they laugh. Oh, lovely. Are they having a frat party?

I'm seeing pigtails. I'm seeing those college jerseys, you know. Yeah. I'm seeing pig eyes. I'm seeing all. Yeah. I'm seeing those college jerseys, you know. Yeah. I'm seeing pig eyes. I'm seeing all. Yeah. Hell, marvellous. There might be some jock men there.

I like jocks. There won't be any jock men there. I don't think it's that kind of thing. Frat house. You see, I don't know what a frat house is, but now I've been and seen it on radio. I imagine a frat house is somewhere you go and get frat. Well, you want any frat?

Well, do you want the large or the small? The more we talk about it, the more I feel we're coming to understand it. Yeah, exactly. Again, you see, all you've got to do in life is talk things through. Well, that's lovely. I love the idea of pretty young women listening to this in the middle of the night. Maybe they should have a pillow fight. Yeah, they should have a pillow fight.

And they should have a baby shower. That's have a pillow fight and they should have a baby shower that's what they have isn't it baby showers don't look at me like i've said something wrong like i've said something wrong no no but they might wear baby doll nighty they might wear baby during that party yeah you've taken me to a place okay i want to think let's bring you back girls expanding their minds with with education. At 3am till 5am. I bet you that after this they all watch Annie the Musical. That's my bet. I can see them now. Hey, hobo man.

Hey, dapper Dan. You've both got your style. But brother, you're never fully dressed. I'm waiting for you to join in without a smile. I'm still waiting for you to join in. You're close with me. I'm still waiting. to join in without a smile. I'm still waiting for you to join in. You're cold to me. I'm still waiting. Yeah, yeah, that'll be great. Okay, so... We've had another text from Alistair

who was talking about the show last night and says, I love your Hamlet photo. Very handsome. Oh, I know what that is. Yes, yes, I did a thing called The Bobble last night on BBC2. Yeah, still getting TV work. Yeah. And, um... And, yeah, they showed a picture of me from a newspaper article.

And it was, I think it's the best picture I've ever had taken. It was me looking slightly upward in a scarf. It was, it was very moody. I liked that show last night. You were kind of, you were locked away for three days. I'm not saying that's why I liked it. No, I was locked away.

Yeah, I was locked away. Well, it turned out to be four days, really. And it's very odd being completely away for three days. I'm not saying that's why I liked it. No, I was locked away. Yeah, I was locked away. Well, it turned out to be four days, really. And it's very odd being completely away from the world for four days. And I'll tell you what I did. This is... You know, when you get the idea you've got some time, some spare time, I know it never really happens in life. I thought, I'll use it constructively.

And I could still scarcely believe I did this, but I was in my room on my own, and I thought, you know, I've got a bit of time on my hands, I'm going to have a crack at levitation. Why would you do that? Because levitating has long been, ever since I was a child, it's a thing I've fantasised about. You know how people dream about flight?

And, you know, it's never with me. No, I never dreamt about that. I dreamt about getting off with Simon Le Bon. I didn't dream about flight or levitating. Here's another highlight of The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Sarah Millican is our guest this morning and she's solving the nation's problems.

Apparently so. The texts have been coming thick and fast for Sarah. Mainly thick, I'm guessing. Go on, fire away. We've had a lovely one in from Florence. Hi, Sarah. I'm a big fan of yours. Hope to see you live soon.

My problem is that I have to go for dinner with my boyfriend's best friend and his girlfriend next week and I don't like her at all. She's very rude and has no manners. I can't get out of it, but I don't know how to survive the experience. Can you help, Florence? I think if there's two other people there, she's got a boyfriend there and her boyfriend's

best friend there, she could totally get away with not even talking to the girl. But is this other woman, is she an ex of the bloke or is she just a friend? Oh no, you're bringing those complications into it. Because I often find the best friend wants to be the girlfriend don't they best friend is a bloke in this scenario oh is it yeah yeah oh he's gay i think i've established about that he's gay that's where the whole tension you've been reading photo stories in the sun if you think that's complicated is the writing in those apparently i. I haven't noticed that. And Chris in Derby says,

does Sarah know if there's any book that can translate teenage grunts into words that we can all understand? So communicating with teenagers. What do you recommend? Well, I don't have children, so I'm probably not the best person to ask for that. Do you go out with very young men, if I... I have done.

Well, that would help. Did they grunt? Yeah, they did a lot so i don't think i need a translator though can i give that a little round of applause thank you very much uh i don't i think you just need to ignore them till they talk properly don't you well that'll do me well that's lovely so you. So, you mentioned... Oh, can I... I know I don't want to put you on the spot, but it says on my... But you're going to anyway. Yes, it says my list of things about Sarah Millican.

She can do a good honking car horn. Oh, do you want to hear it? Is that what it says? Yeah. Is that unlike my CV? That's awesome. That's basically it. It's actually the only thing I can do, yes.

It just says that and the fact you're on to plug your tour in October. OK, are you ready? OK. Oh! Oh, that's brilliant! That is good. Thank you. One more time. It just says that and the fact you're on to plug your tour in October. Okay, are you ready? Okay. That's brilliant. That is good. Thank you. One more time.

My friend bought me a bike horn for no reason whatsoever, and I used to squeeze it in. Whenever anybody said something funny around us and I couldn't be bothered to respond, I would just back at them, and then I thought, well, this is no good because I'm going to have to carry this with us. So instead I just learned how to do it over months. Just practised in the house on my own.

That sounds quite tragic now. Have you ever tried levitation? No. Do you think that's the next step? I think it's happened. Is that what happened with David Copperfield? He started off just doing a car horn, or he's a bike horn, and then he started levitating.

Well, I think what he... You know, I noticed when you did the car horn, you actually reached and squeezed it. Yes. Well, I think that David Copperfieldfield was set a little higher than yours. And as he reached off to squeeze it, he suddenly noticed he was three feet from the floor. Wow. That must have been a good deal. That could have happened to anyone.

So you're off to Australia soon. Yes, in the middle of March. Have you done for the Melbourne Festival? Yes. Are you a fan of Australia? Yes, I went there last year and did the festival for the first time and it went really well. And it was funny,

I was a bit annoyed that I couldn't cuddle a koala. I'd been told that this was almost obligatory when you get a step into the country. But in the state of Victoria, it's not allowed. You're allowed to look at them, but you're not allowed to cuddle them.

So I'm going to have to go out of the state because I just really want to cuddle a koala. Well, I have to say, when I was there, they told me this. And we went to this place where there was koalas. And I said to the guy, look, you know, I'd really love to cuddle a koala. And he said, oh, well, you know, the thing is, mate, they've all got chlamydia.

And I said, that's lucky. So have I. So we've got nothing to lose. And I got to hold. And I've got the picture. I'm wearing an England football shirt. And the black claws of the koala are just hooked on the slightly raised badge. It's just getting a bit of purchase on the England badge.

It's great. Was it nice and furry? It was actually a bit coarse. Yeah, they're supposed to smell quite bad as well, but I don't mind. I've had boyfriends, it's fine. Well, it was, they smell of eucalyptus because they eat. Oh, well, it sort of keeps your sinus as clear. Exactly.

It's a bit like hogging an old house pensioner who's been on the halls of mentholiptus lozenges. You're listening to the best of the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio with Tre Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio. With Trebor Soft Mints. Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio.