The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Best Of Part 2

Episode Date: December 30, 2010

In the second of 4 Best Of's Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about Bonfire night, April fool's gone wrong and the Baftas, plus there is chat with guests Ben Miller, David Baddiel and Toyah Wilcox.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show. All the choicest cuts for your delectation. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio with Trebo Softmints.

Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. We have to begin, I think, with Will Wayne Bridge shake hands with John Terry. I've been able to sleep tonight thinking about that. You'll be able to sleep tonight because it will have already happened. The son have mocked up a picture of how it might look if they shake hands. Yes, because we'd like to know. Which was helpful because we couldn't possibly envisage that in any other way.

The trouble is with footballers, they're so unimaginative. Clearly what Wayne Bridge should do is get one of those hand buzzers from a joke show. Which would be like the best way to defuse the whole situation. Oh, he's going to shake, he's going to shake. And just see John Terry wince and be a bit humiliated. Or a giant gladiator's foam hand. That's what I'd do. I think he might pick up on that.

He could do that. He could do the false hand. He could do the last minute thumbing of the nose. Oh, that would be... That would bring the house down. But instead, he'll just look a bit sullen. I suspect he'll look a bit sullen. I suspect you'll look a bit sullen and John Terry will just walk past and the crowd will go, ooh. I hope the crowd really build it up, so when it comes to their house,

they're going, what? Yeah, exactly. I'm quite excited about it. I want to know what happens. Oh, yeah, I'll be watching, don't you worry. Well, I'll probably listen to it on the radio that'll be a really good way of experiencing the whole thing. Yeah.

I don't know why they have, on the radio why do they bother going to the games? Why don't they just sit and just tell you what's happening? And then you'd just believe them anyway. I'd put in bogus goals. I'd put at least two goals a game that didn't happen. I was a radio commentator.

One sending off. And maybe a small fire, maybe, in the press room. I'd add, just as a bit of background. Sorry if I'm joking. I've just put a bit of a fire in the press room. Who'd know? Easy. So, you had a bit of a fancy night out, didn't you, madam, this week?

Well, I might have. Hey, hey, hey, you had a fancy night out, didn't you? Hey, hey, didn't you? I might have gone to the BAFTAs. Did you two go? I watched it on the telly. Oh, extraordinary. Me too, I did.

Extraordinary. Anyway, I went to the BAFTAs. Oh, my God, it was amazing, guys. It was so good. I did the radio. I thought Ben Jones was going from Absolute Radio. Ben Jones from Absolute Radio follows us at 10 o'clock this morning. There you go.

I've clogged the man. He told me he was going, but I didn't see him. You didn't see him. No, I think we might have been in separate areas. That's a good way of putting it, isn't it? Were you separated by a velvet rope? Well, I was on table one, that's all I'm saying. I don't know which one he was on.

I think he was on car park four. But Ben is... We meet Ben when we close the show. Ben is just coming in. And he's a lovely chap. Oh, I love Ben. I mean, he wears a baseball cap, but everyone has a flaw.

You know, Othello was jealous. Kingly still wanted to maintain some sort of power, having given up the responsibility of power. Macbeth was very ambitious. Ben wears a baseball cap. And I, you know, it's a bit

pride of Britain, that, for me. I don't know if he wore it at the BAFTAs. I bet he did. I've never seen him without it. There's no top on his head. That's my theory. He's like an egg cop. He was a judge, though. He told me he was a judge.

Well, now, I'd like to get to the bottom of this, because there's an orange, right, and they sponsored the new, what's it called, the new face? Yeah, orange new face or something. Orange new face. There's Cat Dealey in that. And anyway, so Ben told us last week, he said, I'm there because

I was one of the judges for that. Yeah. And I was quite impressed by that. So I watched the BAFTAs in public vote. Now, okay, he might

have voted in the public vote, which makes him a judge of some kind. But that means that I was a judge in the last general election. Well, you were. Well, yeah, but yeah i mean i wouldn't tell people that that's like saying i was a judge on let's dance for sport i know i was a judge on that but yeah he was telling us he was i imagined him you know sitting

in some room somewhere at the bath place at piccad, maybe in robes of some kind, with a gavel. Instead he was ringing in on 0891. Yeah, exactly. I mean, he's built the whole thing. Oh, he's built his part up. So that would explain why he was told he was a judge on Britain's Got Talent. I thought I hadn't spotted it.

He said he was a judge three weeks on the row. 40 pence minimum, I think he said. It cost him. Yeah, and I think he said he had to tell the person who paid the bill before he did. We're just talking about the BAFTAs, which Emily actually went to. Me and Gareth just watched it on telly. Did you watch it on telly? I did watch it on telly, yeah.

OK. I'll tell you what surprised me, just from watching it on telly, obviously it's not the same as being there. No, let's hear about what it felt like on telly. It's much more interesting. What you do, and you're getting a lot of professional actors going up on stage. I mean, people at the very top of the acting profession. Stars, acting stars, you're getting up there.

And then they come, this is the ones who present the awards. Yeah. Big names, and they come up and say, the art of the director is a mysterious... And I think, what? It's like a child reads... You know when you give a child a bit of cardboard, and they're going, Janet and John went over a hill?

You know, like a five-year-old child. Well, I've got the inside insight on that. Do they still read Janet and John? Am I shouting myself to be a little out of date? No, it's not 1953. They don't. Also, they don't read age five now. I think it's about 15 they get to that stage. The autocue was too small. They couldn't read it. That's why they were reading it badly.

They can't act. Put them in front of an audience. They're all very well on a film set where they can do it 20 times but put them in front of an audience they're just sniveling posh people going just get off the stage jealous march now i'm not am i jealous of vanessa redgra? Am I jealous of someone who seemed to cut their speech into lines and put it into a bag and then draw them out one at a time and just say random things? Am I jealous of that? That was mental, yeah.

My father once took me to get an ice cream. I like strawberries. I had the monkeys the one. Yes, and I watched the television the other day. Winston Churchill was in charge of this country during the Second World War. Reading 3, West Bromwich Albion 2. New York, that's a beautiful city.

I mean, what, are you all right, Vanessa? No, I'm not all right. Then she said, as Rosalind says in As You Like It, thank you, BAFTA. I don't remember her saying that in As You Like It. That was probably two bits of paper stuck together. I mean, she was, she knelt in front of the Prince William.

The Prince William? I'm calling him the Prince William, why not? Is he a pub now? Yeah, I've knelt in front of a few pubs in my time. But, you know, I didn't like it when she knelt in front of a few pubs in my time. But, you know, I didn't like it when she knelt in front of him. I thought she was going to take the thank you stage too far. That's what I thought.

I thought she might end up with an air in her mouth. Anyway, my dress... Oh, sorry, your dress, yes, of course. It was amazing. What make was it? Well, it was a designer called Alessandra Rich. It's too expensive for me, because I've got champagne taste, but beer money. I won't lie. That's the truth. Okay. So, but I

have friends in high places, so it was lent to me. I couldn't have afforded it. It cost about £5,000. It was amazing. You wore a £5,000 dress? I might have. Oh, I hope you put a napkin over yourself when you had the chicken. They always have chicken at that. I've never been to one of those things where there isn't chicken. Or ribs. Oh, no, beef medallions we had.

Beef medallions? Yeah. You couldn't wear one of them with a dress on. I would love to have gone up. If I'd won a BAFTA, I'd go up wearing a beef medallion. Why not? I'm surprised Vanessa didn't. Let's face it.

Well, exactly. I'm surprised she didn't wear the whole dinner. So I worked the red carpet, waved to the people behind the crash barriers, like a journalist I know, and went, hi, what are you doing here? What you meant was, what are you doing there? The other side of the road.

I'm glad you had a fabulous night. I did. But I did have an incident, Frank. Oh. Well, look, we've got to play some adverts. I think we can hold ourselves. I really want to know now what it was. Here's another highlight of The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

What's that thing you was on about, about food? Oh, OK. Now, I'm quite obsessed by this, because there was a piece in the paper about people mispronouncing food words, you know, when they order stuff in restaurants. Right. So instead of bruschetta, they'll say brisketta or something. Rightetta or something right okay um and they had a lot of cardinal scene in my book oh it's quite bad for me okay no i want i was on a date with this guy and you know that pasta that's

sort of like believe that oh you know that pasta that's kind of it's called penne you know the sort of pasta i have to explain to you it's called called penne. I know the one. It's like a tube. Exactly, it's a tube. So the guy I was with, I made my order, and the guy I was with said to the waiter, yeah, can I have the pen, please? And I swear, I thought he was going to get a pen out of his pocket. It was awful. I thought, I can't go out with someone like that.

So you dumped him on the strength of one tiny mispronunciation. I waited a week, and then I dumped him. Sometimes people can be too good good though. I was in a cafe with a bloke and he asked, he called the waiter, it was an Italian place and he said, can we have a duet cappuccini? I mean, shut your face.

I didn't want it after that. I could have threw it at him right into his... I don't like it when people get words wrong though. My mum does a lot of these. My mum says halloumi cheese. She calls it halloumi. OK. It's not that bad.

No, why don't you just leave her alone? I mean, she's 98. Not as bad as that bloke you said to me. She speaks to a machine. I mean, give her a chance. Could be a fault in that. Have a look at that. Look at that keyboard.

She doesn't talk through a machine. That's just her voice. Oh, OK. Sorry. I don't know where I got that from. I just imagined she might talk through a machine. Doesn't make her a bad person. If she did, does anyone listen who talks through a machine?

Respect to you. She uses a telephone sometimes. Well, there you go, then. Don't call me a liar and then back me off in the same breath. Well, maybe not the same breath, but, well, you know what I mean. My dad used to talk about the writer Somerset Matham instead of Somerset Maugham. And he also used to say, um, etiquety instead of etiquette.

Yes, you could do with learning a bit of etiquety, he used to say to me. We used to laugh, we used to laugh we used to sit at home, sawdust on the floor, two or three bull terriers slumbering at the fireside and the whip it Shep the whip it was called Cal Shep was the staff at your bull terrier

I don't want to go through my entire dog list on here, I ate a dog list on morning radio especially if an Alsatian's involved, My worst dog, so unsheik. Awful. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The dog days are over.

That was Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine. I was at the BAFTAs this week. Gareth was doing something even more showbiz. Yes. I'm married, but you can still do exciting things if you're married, you know. Well, I know that. Look at, um, look at... Ashley Cole.

Angie Bowie. And Ashley Cole, you did very exciting. Were they exciting or were they drab in the extreme? Um, we went to Winchester this week, Laura and I. Brilliant. And we went to a cafe, a little cafe that had lovely cakes in the window, and it was the Maison Blanc.

And it was run by Raymond Blanc. Oh, my God, I only met Mickey Rourke this week. Tell me about the chef. Well, anyway... See, what I like about Mickey Rourke, there's still a handsome man in there. It's like he's had an enormous candle on the top of his head and a lot of wax has run over his features. So you can see the nice man inside,

but there's all globules and lobs all over him. Anyway, get back to Raymond. Well, that would have been exciting enough, just going to the cafe. Hell yeah. Where he was went to. But he was there the cafe. Hell yeah. Where he was meant to. But he was there. Brilliant.

He was there. I wouldn't know him if he came in here now. No, I wouldn't have. How did you know him? I wouldn't have known that I knew him, but when I saw him, I did know who it was. Actually, I saw a nice pencil sketch of him, so I probably would have recognised him. Somebody obviously drew a blank. I'm terribly sorry, everyone.

If you're listening tonight, who does a little bit of fun? Anyway, he was there telling off the lady about the toilet in there, the waitress. This is such a glamorous anecdote. I can't believe it. Just let me tell the story! Go on.

Anyway, what do you think about this, right? There were some ladies, and he was being very charming, going, oh, you enjoy the food? Did you like it? Oh, you have a little one one did you not have some ice cream or souffle again no he's not ready for that yet anyway he went to talk to some old ladies and he had had a chocolate eclair that i had was very nice but he'd only eaten half of it and he was chatting to the old ladies and they were saying something and he goes oh yeah i have only eaten half of this chocolate eclair you can

have the other half he said to you no to the old ladies and he gave the oh, I have only eaten half of this chocolate eclair. You can have the other half. He said to you? No, to the old ladies. And he gave the old ladies the other half of his chocolate eclair. Oh, and did they eat it? Yeah. I suppose if you're very old, what's that to lose? It's a sort of chocolate eclair Russian roulette they would play. Or maybe they'd had enough, and he's like, I know what will kill you.

I've got half a chocolate eclair over there. What a very benevolent, big-hearted man Raymond Blanc is. I might go around his shop hoping for the on-the-off chance for half a cake with his terrible spit and teeth marks on it. I look forward to that.

Anyway, Ben Miller is our guest today. He's on After the News. Oh, I love him. Oh, he's great, Ben Miller. You're listening He's on After the News Oh, I love him Oh, he's great, Ben Miller You're listening to the best of the Frank Skinner Show On Absolute Radio Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year Absolute Radio

Ben Miller, let's join us Good morning Now the last time This is how show business works, isn't it, Ben? Last time you was on, you said to me after I'm making a film, do you want to be in it and i said yeah and it all happened yeah what are the chances it actually happened yeah i went along we filmed it and uh it's coming out this year yeah it was really fun it was about stand-up comedy and there was that scene where we uh i think you're chatting to kevin

bishop in there you're very prominently featured am i I? I'm very keen. Oh, no, he's going to be insufferable. That's why I brought this up. If I'd ended up on the cutting room floor, I haven't done that since I stopped drinking. So, yeah, so the film is called Huge. It's called Huge. It's a tempting fate, that is, isn't it? It is, yeah. Why didn't you call it massively successful?

Five stars, The Guardian. Enormous potential. Basically, why didn't you call it massively successful five stars the guardian yeah enormous potential yeah yeah it's basically it's yeah it's um it's about these two guys we want to get into stand-up comedy and it's about that whole world you know that cold house see me underworld that you yeah to uh fight your way up through yeah to this airy blue light wonderful showbiz in nirvana we find ourselves it's the really hard it's it's the cold face of comedy i think you know it's kind of really hard it's just it's something i tried to do myself i tried to do stand up myself and i just found it impossibly difficult and it's kind of about how impossible it is to get started really but and when i went there to do this because i, I wouldn't even call mine a cameo.

I'm an extra. Hardly. I'm at moss. Hardly. But when I got there, Ben, honestly, he's got the full director thing on the headphones around the neck, and he's saying, oh, Dave, give me that. He's looking through the little...

He's holding his hands in the form of a rectangle and saying, yeah, yeah. I mean, really proper directing. Is he wearing a North Face puffer jacket? No, he's wearing just one of those peaks on an elastic. It is horrific. Or was it a chihuahua? It was one of the two.

It is horrific what you turn into when you're directing a film. Yeah, you were very bossy on the day. It was very, very bossy. And one day I actually turned up and I felt quite uncomfortable in my shorts. And I made the cameraman take his trousers off and give them to me. Frankie, how would you have done that, apparently? Did you really? I really did. No, I absolutely didn't.

You just sort of think you can do anything. Power. Yeah, power. It's just corrupting. It is corrupting. So that'll be out later this year. I'm very much looking forward to it. But you're not in it. Do you do a caveat? I'm not in it. No, I mean, I've got one, I say one word in it.

Is it cut? And that shouldn't have been left in, but there's a bit of a mix-up at the end. I hate it when that happens. Yeah, I've got one word in it. Simon, it plays a character in it. Simon, who co-wrote it, Simon Godley. Simon Godley was my dentist.

He was your dentist. Yeah, my who co-wrote it. Simon Godley. Simon Godley was my dentist. He was your dentist. Yeah, my dentist co-wrote it. Yeah. Everyone that works with Frank has got some kind of talent. Exactly. Well, even Gareth. Gareth, you auditioned or something. I thought you were going to be in it.

I sent Gareth the script and Gareth gave me loads of notes on the script, which really helped, actually. I wasn't in it. You weren't in it? No. How come you sent on the script which really helped actually how dare you i wasn't in it you weren't in it how come you sent it because we got chatting and he was interested and you know he doesn't understand you you're not going to tell you ben gareth did think he was going to be in it well you could have been in it why didn't you come well no at the thing you because the last email you said oh thanks thanks for the notes and yeah you you should be would you like a part in it and i said well i don't know if i'd be convincing as a comedian as a joke but i think you thought i meant oh no ever since you've been thinking well you know i don't have a regret i should have bloody

asked me you see that's what careers hang on that's the danger of soccer that could have been it couldn't it that could have been Especially in a text or email sarcasm. Apparently Hitler didn't mean invade Poland. He went, oh, let's invade Poland, don't we? I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily and Gareth. I'm having slight nominal aphasia. Do you know nominal aphasia when you forget the names

of things? I just forgot me, the radio station and both of you. That's not a great start. A full house. Exactly. A full house in the world of nominal aphasia. If you're playing nominal aphasia bingo at home too late, you lose.

It's been one of those weeks when it's been two major events it's been halloween and uh and bonfire night in the same way i don't personally celebrate bonfire night because i'm a roman catholic and is actually a celebration of um torturing roman catholics burning them home drawing and quartering cutting their fingers off individually oh this is a nice start to the morning. Well, I just think it's about time it was laid down clear to the British public what they're celebrating on bonfire night, right?

Because it's all about... It's not about really... It's not a re-enactment of Guy Fawkes getting caught with the gunpowder. It's about him being tortured afterwards. Yeah. Well, I don't celebrate it, but only because it's very unglamorous.

I don't want to stand... Well, that's another good reason. Yeah, but, Frank, I don't celebrate it, but only because it's very unglamorous. I don't want to stand... Well, that's another good reason. Yeah, but Frank, I may as well just stand there watching my boiler. To me, that's the same principle, essentially, just watching something burn for three hours. Why would I do that? Do you never watch your boiler? I imagine your boiler wears an Armani

jacket. A quilted Armani jacket. Well, I don't know. I had a bit of a problem with it. I went out on... I went to David Baddiel's house, actually. What, for Bonfire Night? Yeah.

And being David Baddiel, we didn't have any fireworks. We just sat with the children at the window and watched other people's fireworks. It's absolutely true. I'm not suggesting for a second that David is careful with money, but no, so I just sat there with the kids, watching

other people's. At Christmas, we went round and looked at other people's gifts. Oh, shut up! Through the window of neighbours' houses, and that seemed to be alright. Oh, the number 17 got a lovely tree off. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio.

Here's another highlight of the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio with Tree Boss of Mints. Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. David Baddiel has arrived in the studio. Hello, Frank. How are you doing? I'm very well, thank you.

You know, when I arrived, they said to me, you'll be on after the fall. I said, does he always get the guest on after the fall? He said, yeah, yeah. I said, is there any kind of listener drop-off normally at that point? But, yeah, no. Great. I couldn't put the headphones on. I don't know if you noticed, I put them on and had to take them off again. Dave once got in my car and said, what's that horrible noise?

Is it the fall? Yeah, I think it was the car backfiring. In fact, it turned out to be the whole thing. You've had to listen to it quite a lot over the years then. Well, actually, not that much, because Frank got into the fall not when we first met, quite like seven or eight years ago. Yeah, less than that, even.

Yeah. I'm a late developer on the fall. You came out, in fact, to me. I think we were in Portugal at the time. We were walking on a noodley beach. Yeah. It was very much someone... How romantic. It was very much someone actually coming out, in fact, to me. I think we were in Portugal at the time. We were walking on a moonlit beach. Yes. How romantic. It was very like someone actually coming out, except it was about liking Marky Smith.

Which is rare, I think, when people come out in the normal way, but that comes out. Exactly. They rarely combine. I'm gay and I like Marky Smith. No, but I remember you said to me, if I was you, I wouldn't tell anyone. Did you actually say that? I did say, bad advice again for most people coming out. Yeah, it's got 1950s advice. So the agony aunt on this morning would advise you to do that.

Exactly, exactly. Well, you know, hey, I'm sure the four are great. I can't hear it myself, what's great about them. And so I advised against Frank McNeill. Oh, they're growing on me. Sport Victorian child, nothing wrong with that. Growing growing on you you've been on this show how long over a year yeah once a week over a year yeah it's like being married yeah i am i remember you said the thing is they're the sort of band that if people are trying to be cool yes they say they

like the force so you best keep your mouth shut, that is a very unlikely thing for you to try and do, to try and be cool. You're not a man, I think, who ever tries to second-guess the hip agenda. No, of course not. It's a broken hip agenda. Yes, exactly. And so I thought, well, I'm obviously wrong. I'm wrong about so many things. And I was wrong because I thought, well, you know, if Frank likes it, then he must genuinely like it, because I've never known you to like something except utterly genuinely. But I couldn't... I still can't see it.

It sounds like a terrible racket. I'm sorry. We're all different. I love that such an old granddad's thing. Terrible racket. So, anyway, Dave, you've written a film. I have. I've written and co-produced, I believe is the word, a film called The Infidel, which comes out this Friday in cinemas. I've been invited to the premiere on Thursday.

So has Frank Skinner, I think. I don't know if he's RSVP. I have RSVP. Oh, thank you. out this friday in cinemas i've been invited to the premiere on thursday so is frank skinner i think i don't know if he's rsvp i have rsvp oh thank you okay see i was a bit sniffy about that because i thought surely i don't have to rsvp i mean i've known this man for years i know it was ridiculous you actually said to me someone will sort that out yeah i actually had to reply and everything well obviously my pa did but even so i know you're very inconvenient i had to reply and everything well obviously my pa did but even so i know you're very inconvenient i had to follow her and tell her to do it you know i had other things to do no fair enough but thank you all for coming i'm sorry the other people from gavin you haven't been invited gareth gareth you got gavin maybe you sent my invitation to gavin i'm so sorry gavin david that's a very you thing to do, which is why I love it so much.

It is, yeah. I'm a nice chap, but I forget people's names. Yeah, Gareth. Is that right? Well, I'm sorry you haven't been apologised. I'm sorry I got your name wrong. What else could I apologise for? I don't know.

You look a bit like me. I don't know. Is there a sort of visual podcast? I think he looks... That's how you see yourself, as a young, trendy man. Where is the young, trendy man you speak of? Where is that person? When you said you look a bit like me,

I thought Blueto, the villain from Popeye, and you were talking to him. I think we've got a slightly odd idea of how attractive Gareth... No, I don't want to insult you again. You just have. At least he got the name right this time, in the midst of this. When he was telling him he wasn't attractive, he got the name right. Anyway, Gareth, I just have. At least he got the name right this time. In the midst of this.

When he was telling him he wasn't attractive, he got the name right. Anyway, Gareth, I'm sorry everyone else in this room who hasn't been involved. Come, anyway, I'll go and watch it in the cinema. It'll be better for me. What about the listeners? Have you invited any of them? Some of them, I don't know. It's Hammersmith Apollo. Well, they're all going to turn up now. Don't tell them.

Well, there'll be loads. I imagine there'll be loads of empty seats, won't there? Oh, no, there won't. Harsh and cruel. But in fact, we've sold out the public ticket thing, because you could buy tickets for it because it's a charity. And that's now sold out, so it's just the guests who are theoretically celebrities.

But, you know, that extends quite far these days, that word. Well, when you consider I've been invited. There you go. Do you remember the time when we went to see Ed Wood, that Johnny Depp film? Yeah. There was an area. I was there.

There was an area. Well, they kept an area that they said, we arrived and a bloke said, oh, you can't sit there, that area's reserved for celebrities. And we thought, oh, what do we say? Do you say? Well, i am one that's such an awful thing i think i did i think because well i think that was wondering around

leicester square for two hours someone has to you know bite that don't carry clippings for this situation just in case do you know who i am well look here's my show reel but anyway i wish we had because you remember there was one other celebrity who was. Who was it? It was Wolf from Gladiator. I remember it very clearly. And he was straight in there, by the way. There was no just for celebrities, so with Wolf. No, and he was a fabulous, he was with a fabulous babe in a gold miniskirt. Me and Dave sat there like two extras from Last of the Summer White.

And the other thing was, no other celebrities turned up in that row. No. It was the four of us for that entire film. I don't think any other celebrities turned up at all. Yeah. No other gladiators? No, no other gladiators. No, not even.

Not even. One of my best friends off of gladiators, that dear, dear Hunter. Oh, God! As Elvis Presley once said, it's been a long time. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Gareth had a go at me while that song was playing. I did not have a go at you. I didn't let him, because my headphones were on. Frank, can I just say my bit, and then he can say his? No, just quickly. And so he went, oh, I'm doing a Gareth. So he insulted himself whilst insulting

me it all backfired at least you got the name right look on the bright side i've got speaking of um things going a bit did you do any april fools no because i've got a mortgage does that stop you well that's why i one, because I don't have a mortgage. What is a mortgage? Oh, Frank, that's going to alienate you and your people. Go on, what was the April Fool's you did? Yeah, so the April Fool's, I thought, I think the secret, I learnt this, is that don't mix April Fool's pranks with PMT.

Oh, dear. It's a very, very dangerous cocktail, right? And what happened was when I got up on whatever morning it was, was it Thursday morning, April Fool's Day? Yeah. I told my girlfriend that I'd been offered a series on Channel 4

with Doc Kwan. That is quite a good April Fool's.il in which i suppose a lot of you listening tried the same thing on your girlfriends i um and i said it was called would you wear that and i said it was a program in which i went out into the streets of britain with got kwan and i wore a series of elaborate avant-garde outfits. And I said I'd been offered 40 episodes. 40? I thought, that'll swing it, surely.

Well, when I told her at first I'd been offered an episode with Gok Kwan, she said, oh, he's quite, you know, he's quite in at the moment, Gok Kwan. I thought, oh, this isn't going at all. Well, then she went into the other room and, of course, with the PMT, she then came out saying, God, I can't believe that. It's going to be so humiliating. And he completely flipped. And she got so angry and aggressive about the fact that I was, because I was saying, I think it's a really good, I'm going to say yes, I better tell you. My manager's all for it. I love the idea of you in, like, some Harlequin's outfit.

My manager's all for it. I love the idea of you in, like, some Harlequins outfit. Exactly, yeah, in Oldham, in a shopping centre in Oldham. And him saying, you know, Oh, go down there, Frank, and I say, Hold on, are you standing on my pantaloons? So, anyway, she got so angry about the fact that I was doing Would You Wear That We Got Quad. You think it's a real programme now?

You're talking about... I was frightened to tell her. It was a joke. So I left her. Did you ring Channel 4 and say you're going to have to commission it? Well, she actually mentioned to someone at Channel 4 that I was doing it. And they said, really? I hadn't heard about that.

She found her mother and said, apparently she said, I think I might have to split up with Frank. He's going to absolutely humiliate us. I think I've heard about it. I think there's a lot of buzz. Yeah. There's a lot of buzz about that.

So I couldn't tell, because we got, like, we left home together, we walked in to work together and she suddenly said, I think I've left the iron on and went in the opposite direction. And so I didn't get a chance to explain. Oh, because would you wear that i know yeah so that was my uh that was my attempt at an april fool 40 episodes frank what were you thinking she's very uh strict see when i got back from blackpool i had i had a ukulele badge on they

gave me a badge it was like a it was a ukulele leaning on a lamppost, thus expressing... Oh, that's attractive, yeah. And she said to me, Badges, we're going to have to talk about that as soon as I've got here. You see, I'm living under a reign of terror. Badgers? No badgers? I think she said, oh, yeah, there were two badgers in the living room. Both in stockings and suspenders. That explains what she says there. It was like Wind in the Willows nights.

The sexy Wind in the Willows. was like Wind in the Willows nights. The sexy Wind in the Willows. Exactly. Wind in the Willows uncovered. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show. All the choicest cuts for your delectation. Absolute radio. Mark Owen. He's...

I don't get the Mark Owen thing. Tiger Woods. Filthy devil. No I don't get the Mark Owen thing. Tiger Woods. Filthy devil. No, but Tiger Woods was torn to pieces. Well, he, nearly, if he hadn't got in the car and tried to escape. And then John Terry, he got absolutely, I think the phrase is, dragged over the coals. Do you see? They lay down in the dressing room, both Ashley and Cheryl,

and JT was dragged across them. And there was Ashley as well. And now it's Mark Owen. But people are quite nice about Mark Owen. I know. It's sort of expected from pop stars, isn't it? They're supposed to do that sort of thing. I don't think it's that.

It's because he's like a little woodland creature. He's Sylvanian. He is. I agree with that. But there have been ten of them, Frank. Ten. Ten Mark Owens. No. They're filming the Smurfs.

He's cheated. He's had ten women behind her back. Who keeps count? Well, he didn't. He said, I think it's about ten. Oh, OK. But apparently, the good news is... If I was him, I think every time I committed the act,

I wouldn't be able to resist going, take that! You've got the band name. Okay. I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Thank God he isn't in Deep Purple. Sorry, carry on. Do you know what I love most about this whole thing?

Other than that someone else's personal life isn't going very well. It's the fact that one of the women that he had an affair with, guess who she's signed up with now? She needs a bit of representation. So she needs a sort of publicity guru to help her out. She needs a publicity guru. Who would you go to?

Well, my guess is... Bang, bang, Maxwell Silver. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. On a hill. It's Maxwell Clifford. I'm glad. He's a recurring theme on this show every week. Oh, I love Maxwell Clifford.

He swoops down on those in trouble like this terrible old white-haired buzzard. In his leather jacket, Frank. Well, you say leather, I say suede, some say knitted. I mean, that's what I like. Something for everybody with Maxwell. It's got a quilted motif, though. Yeah think one thing about marco in one plosio is at least you'll be able to go on pierce morgan show and cry oh yeah that's gotta happen soon hasn't it's gotta be next yeah i was asked to go on you know and i just couldn't i couldn't there's nothing that i'm not upset about

that you're gonna cry no why does everyone cry on it it's become very fashionable now crying generally oh it's so hot right now crying yeah it is you'll see at the end of the football season you can see you get fans who's ever gets relegated they cry and you can see them looking at the corner of their eye for the camera man before they start like alt sitting with their head in their hands and the players do it as well you know i do care about the club look at me look at me pretending to cry i hated ronnie ronnie corbett's the only one who didn't cry wasn't it he he was quite happy i think he did cry but he was just below the line of the camera oh my wife is so much bigger than me exactly yeah she asked me yeah he didn't cut i bet they got

they obviously got him on didn't they because they thought, we'll talk about Ronnie Barker, he'll cry. That's safe. So, Ronnie Barker's dead. Yeah, and that was it. And he said, yeah, very sad. And they moved on. And that's quite right, because he's an old pro. He wasn't going to play the game, but he won't be asked back.

You either cry or you're out. God, when I said I had nothing I was that upset about, they offered to have one of the runners from the production company peeling onions at the side of my chair just off camera. That'll arrange for something very bad to happen in your personal life. I know, well, if anything happens, obviously they'll be on the phone the next morning. Oh, yeah.

I might phone them while I'm still in the ambulance. We only have this, X-Files. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Toya Wilcox is in the studio, and here she is. Good morning, Toya. Good morning, Frank. Thank you so much for coming in.

It's a pleasure. But you've been here before. Yeah, about 25 years ago. It could actually be 30 years ago. This used to be Granada TV and I rehearsed in here with Lord Olivier and Greta Sacchi and Roger Rees for a film called The Ebony Tower. How marvellous. Lord Olivier. in the executive offices of Granada so that staff could bring food in. And Lord Olivier did have a nurse at the time who looked after him, but it meant that we were treated like royalty. Yeah, that's sad.

How old would he have been then? Was that towards the end? It was towards the end, yeah. I was about 25, 26 when I made that film. I'm thinking of getting a nurse. Maybe just for the shows. Do you know, I recommend it. It's fantastic.

I think it's sort of fallen off the bandwagon of what rich people do. People get, you know, PAs and all that, but the nurse. It's not just about being rich. When you live for a long time, there's certain things you get really bored of, like blowing your own nose, doing your own

shopping cleaning your own fingernails you know a nurse can do all that is this lord olivier talking now is this your own personal experience this is my personal experience as a middle-aged woman i've got to tell you to i uh many years ago i was in birmingham city center this would be uh i mean long before i did comedy or anything like that. And this coach went past, and it must have been a tour boss, and you were on it, and you were just walking up, you walked up the aisle, and you got your bright orange hair and that in those days. And there was loads of people.

This was going, I think, Corporation Street or somewhere by that. And everyone stopped. All the passers-by all stopped, and there was Toy Wilcoxie's tour bus. You know what it was? We were going to the Odeon to do a concert because they used to reverse the tour bus down the side of the Odeon on New Street. Oh, okay. And I can remember because

there was... Do you remember me? Do you remember me seeing... Well, I seem to remember there was a problem that day with about 500 screaming kids outside the Odeon that blocked the street. They were with me. Were they with you? Were you kind of in the middle of it? I was working for Barnardo's at the time. It was an outing. Oh, OK.

But really, it was like... You know when you see the kids looking through the window of the toy shop and thinking it really was... It was show business was going past all us normal people. It was very exciting. I loved all that. I bet you did. I can remember once, I'm afraid I was one of the organisers of the royalty celebrity It's a Knockout.

And all of us were on a coach going to Alton Towers. That's very brave admission. It was me, Tom Jones, Sheena Easton, Cliff Richards, Christopher Reeves, John Travolta, and we were on a coach going through the... Is that a craft? I mean... Well, it gets worse. Going through the country lanes, going to Alton Towers and Princess Fergie was at the front of the bus doing the

royal wave with her hand, shouting down the bus, wave to the subjects, everyone. She didn't say that. Yeah, she did. And Sheena Easton was singing, We're all going on a summer holiday. Come on, Cliff, join in. And it was one of the maddest things I've ever been through

because we stopped every village that we went through with just licking the windows to get a look at Tom Jones or Jane Seymour or John Travolta. So it was another one of those moments. Great. It was like Celebrity Express. That's a fabulous collection. See, what Cliff should have gone,

my baby gets the morning train. He should have fought fire with fire. That's the trouble with Cliff. You're listening to the best of the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio. With Trebor Soft Mints.

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