The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Best Of Part 3

Episode Date: January 1, 2011

In the third of 4 Best Of's Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss new years resolutions, celebrity big brother and there is chat with guests Tim Key, Reece Shearsmith and Lee Mack.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show. All the choicest cuts for your delectation. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio with Trebor Softmints.

Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. I went to a health farm. Oh, you'd never have known it to look at you. Well, I know that, but most of the people there were quite fat and out of condition. What you do, you go and have a lunch there, and everyone's in their dressing gowns. Oh, you keep your robe on, yeah.

I wasn't sure about that. I thought this would be good practice for when I'm in an old people's home, when we all sit in a circle round the television with our mouths open. But my girlfriend loved it. She had, like, 28 treatments. And now I can't... I tried to hug her on the way out she slipped straight out of my eyes she was so moisturized it was like trying to hold a prize

winning carp oh i think we're sorry carry on i'm just gonna say i love a health farm so you like you like health farm i do like health farms i find the kind of one flow of the cuckoo's nest wandering around in bathrobes aspect of it a bit worrying but last time i went to a health farm i had a personal trainer for a couple of days oh no i don't like this but then he sort of chatted me up he asked me out he said are you uh going back to london that's i think that what you actually ordered was a very personal no i wouldn't um he asked for a lift back to london, when I used to go to the gymnasium in the old days, and I stopped going because I was in there once,

and a rugby team came in, a whole rugby team. And a lot of them had got their shirts on and stuff, but they'd just come off the pitch, you know. And one of them, you know that thing where you're sitting and then the weights are sort of stacked up, and then you have to pull down. stacked up like they're like and then you have to pull down oh yes i know that he sat in in that and he was a massive bloke he had they put so much weight and they were scouring the place for more weight i was watching this is how

tragic i was i i was lifting this uh this like a barbell in the air and i didn't have any weights on the weight of the actual bar was sufficient for me. They could have used you as a weight. They could have used me as one of those wedges that keep the weights in. I mean, it was so masculine, I couldn't breathe. I had, like, testosterone asphyxiation. Anyway, when he pulled the thing, he had that much weight, and he just went up in the air,

because the weights were much heavier than him. So they started holding on to his legs all these men and no no and uh and they were he was going and going purple and i was lifting me me empty bar and i I'm never, ever coming to the gym again. Ever. And I didn't go. So a personal trainer's out the question for me. Oh, yeah. Also, I found that people had personal trainers at the gym.

They just used to say, what are you doing tonight? Oh, I might go to a club. And I thought, are you training? If you can breathe properly, you're not pushing it. You're not working. You're not pushing it. Anyway, not that I didn't do any training when I was at the health home. I did a class on hula hooping.

You did not. I absolutely did. And I'll tell you something, the barbecue ones. No, you get... Can you do it? I've never been able to do that. That's not a fitness class. I tell you, my...

Oh, man, my hips. I reckon... Oh, I don't want to think about that. Yeah, I reckon if I put some sort of... Say if I put a sort of a toothpaste container into my bottom containing fondant icing, I reckon I could do my signature on a birthday cake. My hips were so loose. What did you wear for this? A unitard or something? I didn't wear signature on a birthday cake. My hips were so loose.

What did you wear for this? A unitard or something? I didn't wear anything. Oh, God. Otherwise, the hoop would have kept falling on the floor. No, no. No, I just wore shorts and a T-shirt, you know, and stuff. But honestly, I thought it was...

You know, I worked up a sweat hula hooping. I think it's going to be one of my New Year's resolutions. What, you're going to start doing hula hooping? I'm going to get a hula hoop. Not in the street. I'm not going to get a hooping stick, get to work with it. I'm serious. I think hula hooping might be the next big thing.

I think people will look back on this show in ten years' time. Well, probably they won't. And they'll say, just think that he spoke about hula hooping and we all thought, oh, they're ridiculous. And now everybody's doing it. Yeah, so that's my new... What are you going to do, Gareth? What's your New Year's resolution?

My New Year's resolution, I'm starting to say my New Year's resolution before I've actually thought of anything. Oh, OK. You're doing that thing, I do that in a restaurant. Yeah. I go up like the, um,

and then I point. I'm one of those people that point at the menu, which is very, very shabby. Have you thought of one yet? I'm trying to help you out here. Yeah, no. We'll come back to you.

What's yours, Emily? I might take up smoking. No, hear me out on this. Just because it's far less commercial now, Back to you. What's yours, Emily? I might take up smoking. Hear me out on this. Just because it's far less commercial now, and you know I always like to get banging on trend with things, so I just think now might be the time. Far fewer people are doing it.

A bit more exclusive. Why not? True. I mean, I would wait till after the cold snap was over, because I drove through London the other night in snow. And there were people standing outside, I mean covered, in a blizzard, smoking. It takes incredible staying there. Your driving through snow wasn't as bad as mine. I think there was one man hula hooping. Everyone else was out there smoking. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You know, 20 minutes into the new year I had a row. Did you? Yeah, with my girlfriend's brother. Oh. No, that's wrong. My girlfriend's sisters.

Some bloke who was at the house. Well, your boyfriend, according to what you've been saying this morning. How many ex-boyfriends have you got? Anyway, we had a big row. I mean, oh, dear God. My girlfriend, who'd gone to bed at this point, said to me, was everything all right last night? I heard shouting.

Oh, dear. And I tried to tell her we were staging a small, impromptu Ibsen play. But no. No, we had a big row about, well, it's a bit of a... It was whether or not there's a 13th row on aeroplanes. Oh, OK. Yeah. And I said I thought that many aeroplane companies didn't have one

because customers didn't want to sit in the 13th row. The superstition. Yeah, I don't know quite what the superstition would be based on. The idea that something could happen to you in that row that wouldn't happen to the other people on the plane. Oh, because I was in this plane crash, but it's probably because I was in the 13th row. Yeah, what about the other people that weren't in the 13th row,

but were also in the... Anyway, but he said that it was... I know I'd made it up and it was rubbish. And then I pretended I was looking at some New Year greetings text, but really I was on my iPhone. You weren't Googling, were you? I was Googling 13th Row and Aeroplane. And I said, well, maybe you'd like to read this.

This is my phone. This is interesting. Continental Airlines, Air Nippon, Lufthansa, Air Malaysia. And I continued along this, just rattling rattling off but then it escalated because he said oh you know i i didn't say that that nowhere like and i said well no you did say that because i got you to specify that because i knew i was going to look it up so i wanted a precise statement that i could tear apart and then i said so it's like having a round with Rumpole. Yeah. Honestly. There was some Rumpole involved. And then I said, oh, I mean, I got...

It wasn't a good start to the year. I said, you know, just admit you were wrong. And he said, OK, I was wrong. I said, now, doesn't that feel better? And he said, no, it doesn't, because I wasn't wrong. And of course, then it escalated and got that completely over. I'd already had an argument with my girlfriend just before New Year because she wouldn't hula hoop.

My girlfriend's sister hula hooped. You're so demanding. What do you mean with an actual hula hoop? What do you think with? I don't want to be the crisp-faced thing. No, I wanted her to hula hoop with a burning Triumph Toledo. So why did you want her to hula hoop? Well, because I have this thing.

I see New Year's... Fetish thing. When it actually becomes New Year, I see it as a bit like St Swithin's Day. You know if it rains on St Swithin's Day, it rains for 40 days and 40 nights apparently. Right. Well, I always think if New Year isn't perfect, if that moment of midnightness isn't absolutely perfect, it'll be a terrible year and which horrible thing. I'm a bit with you on that. So, my girlfriend's sister hula hooped and

we videoed her, you know, because she's quite good at it. And then I hula hooped and we videoed her. She's quite good at it. And then I hula hooped. That sounds a bit creepy. Why did you video her hula hooping? It's weird. So we could celebrate that we'd gone into the new year in high spirits. Watching a lady hula hooping. She's not a lady.

She's my girlfriend's sister, for goodness sake. And then I hula hooped. And I must say, I hadn't hula hooped that well over the holiday up until that point. But once the video went on, I hula hooped like there was no tomorrow. That's all I needed was a bit of incentive. But then I said to Kath, come on, we're all hula hooping. What fun we're having. Come on, great.

She said, oh, no, I feel a bit sick. And I said, well, that's typical of you, isn't it? I asked her to hula hoop, but I feel a bit sick. I feel a bit sick. Why didn't you just hula hoop? And that didn't go that well either. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tim Keyes, our guest this morning.

Now, Tim, we mentioned that you have a book out. Yeah. Tell us a bit about the book. There it is. Well, that's not going to work on radio. Is it not? No, you're going to have to tell us. You're going to have to describe it.

Paint your word pictures, you crazy poet man. OK. It's a sort of aubergine-coloured affair. Oh, well. One thing you can't judge a book by, I find. Is the colour. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's got a rubbish cover, but don't worry about that. Inside is art, basically. It's absolutely ideal. I did a book a couple of years ago which is uh poetry and then as the as it went through it kind of um subsided into kind of nonsense and the poem sort of became less and less and it kind of lost its way during the book and i had like lots of footnotes and sort of discussed this problem and this one sort of starts where that one left off so it's already lost its way when you start and it's it's kind of a just a selection of nonsense ideas just uh not even really knitted together properly but i've got

a designer who designs it make it makes it look nice and hopefully that sort of papers over the crack slightly and you know you should go into sales too well we were reading the book only this morning and laughing out loud so i think you've... It's much better than Tim suggested. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's chaotic. It's chaotic. Exactly.

Basically, the way it was written was, while I was doing other stuff, this was kind of my thing where if you have, like, deadlines, boring deadlines that you have to meet and stuff like that, this was my one thing where I could just sort of go to the pub just for an hour, have a pint and just write one thing. And did that over about 18 months. So you in the pub yes okay yeah or a disco anyway a raid yeah yeah do you have one of those pens on a small torch in the end yeah yeah i'm fascinated you know these blokes who read in pubs?

Yeah. I don't mean the newspaper, the blokes who bring a novel into the pub. I'm always fascinated. That might be me. I'm trying to think. Have you ever read a novel in a pub? No. That's not weird reading in a pub. Oh, it is. Hence that Morrissey song. Novel in a pub, I know.

No, I don't think I'm a novel in a pub type person. Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that. But writing in a pub, I quite like writing in a pub. Or writing in a cafe. Well, IE Houseman. Oh, I know. No, I don't think I'm a novel in a pub type person. Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that. But writing in a pub, I quite like writing in a pub. Or writing in a cafe. Well, A.E. Houseman. Oh, go on. Um, A.E. Houseman. That's my A.E. Houseman, a laugh.

Yeah. Are you sure you want to talk about A.E. Houseman? Yeah, whenever we mention him, there's a very, very brief news item. Yeah. Unrelated. Once you've mentioned him the first time on that show, I'll try it again. A.E. Houseman. It's alright now. Just that first one.

It always shakes me up a bit. I hadn't pressed the... It sets off all sorts of procedures here. Whenever we say A.E. Houseman, it goes into an emergency code. You're all saying it now. It's alright, we've got the first one out the way, don't worry. He used to...

You know he's this Shropshire poet. He used to go to the pub, and he used to have about three or four pints, and then on the walk back, he said the stanzas would just drop out of him, just from the beer. Yeah. So, are you inspired by beer? No, I'm not inspired by A.E. Houseman, I kind of, um... Beer, not A.E. Houseman. Yeah, don't misunderstand me, I don't sort um... Beer, not how you have it. Yeah, don't misunderstand me.

I don't sort of go and get hammered and then... Oh, no, I never suggested that. It's just quite nice sometimes just to have, like, a nice sort of pint in a pub and write a bit of nonsense. But do people come over and say, what are you writing, mate? That can happen, yeah. I'm honest about it. I'm writing this this writing a book there's no shame in it no no it's a lovely thing to say

this is old frank skinner absolute radio so have you have you made your big decision yet emily my big decision is this with regard to my pet yes well. Well I want to buy a pet because I just I got really panicky when I was changing a light bulb the other day in heels and I thought because I have to wear them to reach because the ladder's not tall enough. Do you mean you were changing one in heels? No. Wearing a pair of heels because my ladder's not quite tall

enough so I wear high heels and I just have that panicky moment. I think what if I fell off the ladder in the stilettos or the platforms and then something terrible happened. Well at least you'd be found dead in nice shoes i'd look nice yeah but i do panic a bit because i live on my own and i think at least if i had a pet it would like raise the alarm like skippy if something bad happened i wouldn't count on that oh okay if you got a giraffe of course you could get rid of the stela so i want to get a pet but i don't want to get a pet, but I don't want to get something common or garden, like a dog or a cat. So I was thinking a fox.

I don't think... A fox. No, but listen... I want you to say something not common or garden. One of the most popular places to see foxes in the city. No, because I... I don't think you... Can you come on out on a fox?

You can de-gland them so that they don't smell so much. Oh, you can de-gland them. I've got a special knife for it. But we're not talking about my hunting and poaching days. You're not going near my fox. And I want to get a little soup for it like Foxy Bingo. And I'd have it on a lead. Well, I think that's all.

I think that's probably all right. And I might wax it as well. No, just because the tail... You want a naked fox? That's horrible. No, just where the fur gets too rough because I'd want it in the bed. And I wouldn't want it to be too rough. If you waxed the fox's tail,

in a way, you'd rob it of its essential personality. You want to wax a fox so it's better in bed. Oh, no. I didn't say that. I think we've gone into a strange fantasy now. By the way, speaking of strange fantasies, Rhys Shearsmith is on the show very shortly. Should we call him Rhys Shearsmith from...

He is still part of the League of Gentlemen, but he's doing the psychobelittle. It's all right to say from there. He's not going to come on and say, why keep going on about League of Gentlemen? That's my past. It's not going to be like that, is it? Someone's just said, forget the pet, take me home instead.

Basil brush. It's Chris on the M25. I wouldn't fancy Basil Brush's chances of changing a light bulb. You can, Chris, but you'll need to have your glands removed before. And you'll need to be waxed. Yeah, I mean, you can keep them. We can put them in a jar for you, but you can't have them. When it was really hot the other day, we had a weird thing.

We opened our patio doors. Which glands do you remove, by the way? Is it the tear glands for when it's been waxed? Boom! Boom! Too hot for Fox! Sorry. I said Fox, anyone who's just tuned in. I'm really glad you cleared that up.

I don't want any misunderstandings. We open the door in the lounge, and then we're in a bungalow, so it's all on the same floor, to let air through. But in the bedroom, Laura said, I can hear something, something's come into the lounge. Oh, God. Was it a fox? It wasn't a fox.

Oh. But we thought it might be a fox, because we hear foxes outside, and they make terrible sounds. I love it, that's why I like them. Awful. Guess, guess. Was it a tapir. That's why I like them. Was it awful? Guess, guess. Was it a tapir? It wasn't a tapir.

Was it Slender Loris? It was. It was. We found it. We've got a little sequined silver cushion that Laura chose. Oh, yeah. A tiny Liberace had come into the garden and sat on it. On this silver cushion, a frog.

On a cushion? If you'd have kissed that frog, it would have turned into Prince Charles. Laura can hear a frog. Anybody can hear a frog. From another room. Have you never seen the Budweiser advert? Bom, bom, bom, ba-la-la.

Enough singing for one day. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's been an odd morning, hasn't it, in many ways. I think I might be having some sort of an aneurysm. So we're with, I was going to say Reese Witherspoon there. Loads of people would have found it and asked questions about the shape of her chin.

But we're not with Reese Shearsmith of League of Gentlemen fame. Yes, off-off. Now, I don't mean to be in any way insulting. You're looking a bit clammy, Rhys. You're sweating up a bit. Right, yeah. Well, that's because I hate the sun. And I just sweat in anger of it.

But isn't it beautiful? People are happier. Well, I know, yeah. I am odd, I think, but I hate it. I find it's intolerable and sufferable. You just want to get out of it. I try and stay in as much as I can in a cool room. My girlfriend's like this.

She, um... She, like, rails. You can't find anything good about it. What's good about it? You feel uncomfortable. You can't do anything because you're just fagged out. Yeah, well... Leave it. comfortable you can't do anything because you just fag it out yeah leave it um i uh i like the

opportunity as a 52 year old man to walk around in shorts and ankle socks because i know that the youth around me are appalled and why should they why should their life be endlessly fun when you can present to them what they're going to become. Exactly. I actually carry a large sign that says, Coming soon, as I walk around the West End. No, I do like it. I was in Greece recently. It was 39 degrees, would you believe? What did you do?

Well, the brilliant thing is, like they do in all these countries, it's not very much. Because they get busy in the morning, and then about 12, they think, well, that'll do me for three or four hours. Yeah. And then everyone just does nothing. And there's something great about that. Yeah, well, I don't think it's just... It makes me feel like I'm

ill. That's what it makes me feel like. Well, you must be a very fervent campaigner against global warming. Yes, and that's the other thing, of course. Yeah, it's a nightmare, I think. I'm afraid, Rhys, it's going to get worse and worse. I don't mind when it snows. I love

the cold. I love winter. From September onwards, I'm happy. That's because it's not hot. There's a logic to that. I think you'll find it. I like Halloween. But it's going to get hotter. This is the tip of the... That's a terrible analogy. It's not the tip of the iceberg, is it? It's the tip of the... That's gone, melted away.'s not the tip of the iceberg, is it? It's the tip of the...

That's gone, melted away. Yeah, that's gone. It's taken several polar bears with it. But, hi. So, um... You're going to a fete today, is that right? I am, yeah. It's my children's school's summer fair today.

Sorry, you just... I can't imagine you going there with your... He's doing the face painting. Are you doing the face painting? I'm on the face painting stall for half an hour, yeah. Can you imagine what those kids are going to look like? They're going to be going, dive! Next one, please, you're my wife now.

I might have to clap. I'm going to shatter them. Do you know, I did a sitcom once and we rehearsed for about three weeks and then rehearsed for about three weeks, and then shot it for about three weeks, more than that. Perhaps the whole thing was two months. And you know when you hang around in a gang,

you have a saying that you all, and we were all doing the voice. You're my wife. I'm sorry it's not very good, but mine's a bit more like Zippy from that, right? Yeah. You're my wife now. What do you think, George?

And our whole period was doing you doing that. It's an honour you touch people's lives. It is, yeah. I mean, that thing was such a strange... You'd never have thought that that would have latched on, you know, in any way, shape or form. It was just a strange private joke. In case you don't know it, it's a...

Can you describe it? As you say, it's Papa Lazarus. One of the characters in The League of Gentlemen was this strange kind of ringmaster circus clown freaky character that came into the town and he was... He had like a black minstrel face and he had this incredibly deep, strange voice and the revelation was he was

taking people's wives away with him in his strange harem. It's a very weird story. And they're all called Dave. And he called everyone Dave, dave yeah but that came from and i've told this story hundreds of times my landlord that i used to share a flat with and he would never recognize me as being part of the tenancy agreement so he would always ring up and talk to steve and if you if i was if i answered the phone he's like hello steve no no ste, Steve just... I want to speak to Steve. So it was just, that was the voice. I could listen to the voice all day.

We only have this extra. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You're my wife now. What's wrong? Can you give me any coaching on that? It's not guttural enough. Can I try it? Can I try it? Go on. You're my wife now. Better. A bit better, yeah. And I like the sort of lesbian element.

I think you missed that. Gareth, you're my wife now. I didn't like the pause. You took me by surprise. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio. Here's another highlight of the frank skinner show on absolute radio with tree boss off mints working towards a mintier world absolute radio this is frank skinner on absolute radio with um emily and gareth lost, I couldn't keep that straight. It sounded so like a DJ talking that I just started giggling. So I spent the entire night, as far as I can work out, watching Big Brother because I got in. Oh, so did I. I'd missed the previous night, so I watched that on Sky Plus

and then I watched it live and then I watched the later on show. And there were two evictions, weren't there? There were two evictions, yes. I will be very sad i must say to say to see heidi fleischer oh i loved heidi although i have been on the edge of my seat because i tell you what she's got the driest lips i've ever seen on television and do you ever do that thing you know when you're gonna sneeze and you think my lips are so dry if i sneeze that they'll split they'll both split like ripe figs.

And you go, and just when you're on the third, you lick your lips really quickly to try and rescue them. Well, I don't think that would have been enough for Heidi. I think Heidi would have had to bring in some sort of men with sprays. So one good sneeze and I think the whole lot would have opened and goodness knows what would have come out. I liked her eviction outfit. She went very low-key, didn't she? She just had some old Uggs and tracksuit bottoms. No, I liked that.

They don't do the homeless look normally. I mean, she looked like she'd been properly evicted from some sort of council house. No, that was a good look. I'm quite glad to see the back of that cat one. Oh, no, I didn't like that. Oh, I didn't. Oh, no.

Oh, she was awful. Where are her eyes as well? Like gingerbread men eyes. Breadpull. Yeah, has she got gingerbread? What are gingerbread? She's got raisins in them, so it means no eyes. She sort of went...

That's the sound I'd always associate her with. And I don't want that around me. That's not a laugh, is it? That's some sort of nervous feeling of silence. Gareth, you just did that. You imagine Ronnie Woods sitting at home, you know... He's a crow, isn't he? It sounds like some sort of pterodactyl with dyed hair

and then doing some jokes she does she does him get saying i can't remember i said to mick jagger i said to mick jagger god it's terrible wouldn't it like the war and she goes i mean that would have been their home life there's a great quote from runnywood in the paper this week saying that, you know, he's been seeing another Russian woman while she's been in there, a 26-year-old Russian. Oh, yeah, that was only three days, though. Yeah, but he said he just did it to make Katya jealous. Oh.

Ronnie obviously doesn't know that they don't see the outside news. Completely waste of time. So what's your favourite? I'll tell you my favourite quote so far. I love this. That was when Ivana arrived. Actually, there's two favourite quotes. Okay.

When Ivana arrived, she brought in this enormous Louis Vuitton suitcase. It was a valise. A valise? What does that mean? It's like a suitcase, but it's what people like me say. Yeah, but, okay, a valise. Yeah. that mean? It's like a suitcase, but it's what people like me say. Yeah, but... OK. A valise? Yeah. Just get on with it. And Cisco said,

man, that's the biggest Louie I've ever seen. So what is the difference between a valise and a suitcase? It's just a posher name for it. Do you know what I like? I like what Vinnie said to Nicola, you know, the sort of page three girl slash wag. Yes. When she said, oh, she said,

I hate it when people call me a wag. I don't think I'm a wag. And he went, no, you're not a wag, love. You're not a wag. Wags go out with premiership players, don't they? Yeah, I know. He's such a snob. And my other favourite quote was,

this could go on all morning, but we won't talk about it all day. It was when Lady Sovereign, she got some argument about food and she'd eaten the mashed potato before it had been liquidised during the sort of old person special they had in the wind. And she said, God, all I had was just like a cat's paw of mashed potato. And that's a fabulous unit of measurement, isn't it? I love... Oh, just going into it, it's just a cat's paw of mashed potato.

It'll do me. Thank you very much. It's not a very hygienic unit of measurement, though. If it was in a recipe, you'd have to go and find the cat. Yeah, but they're always licking. They're always licking at the... It's funny you should say that, though,

because my girlfriend was attacked by a squirrel this week. Oh, wow. I'm not making this up. Attacked by a squirrel? Yes, that's it. You've summed up the complete event in, well, exactly the same words that I did. She was walking through St James' Park in central London and with a friend, Carmen, and this squirrel encircled her

leg on the way up. You know, they'd run round the tree trunk. Went round, not my girlfriend's legs or anything like a tree trunk. Can I mention that? Not Ramoli-like tree trunks, very shaky legs. There was once that tawny owl that used to live in her behind. Anyway, so he encircled her leg going up

and then he sort of hung from one of her buttocks by his claws. Really? Yeah, she got proper scratches on her legs. It was, yeah. Are you sure these are from a squirrel, Frank? Did you believe this story? Oh, God, I hadn't thought of that. You'd think she could be seeing some sort of,

I'm going to say the word dwarf on the side. Is that what you're suggesting? Oh, no, I hadn't thought of that. See, you've got to be so careful now. I'm about to hire some sort of private detective and all that. Maybe I could get a weasel in one of those, like, trench coat. No, she had to. She was supposed to go for a tetanus,

but her theory was that its claws would have been clean because it's snowing, so they would have somehow been sterilised. Oh, she's to. She was supposed to go for a tetanus, but her theory was that its claws would have been clean because it's snowing, so they would have somehow been sterilised. Oh, she's worked it all out. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, with Gareth, but most exciting of all, with Lee Mack. Morning. Good morning.

I'm a bit throaty because I did a gig last night and I've had about four hours sleep. So I don't want people thinking that you're interviewing Bonnie Tyler. No. This is me. Not again. Yeah. Yes. Turn around, bright eyes.

No, this is me, turn around. It reminds me of our trip across Europe. Yes. You look bright eyes. Ricky laughs Now this is me turning around. It reminds me of our trip across Europe. Ricky laughs Yes. You look like you're, yeah, you look slightly tousled but I like, but you've got a very nice jacket if I may say so. Thank you very much. We've been discussing this jacket. And I did something I've never done before which is, uh, wore my spectacles for

a public engagement. Oh yeah. I usually wear contact lenses but I had four hours sleep. I came in, couldn't sleep after the gig, watched Big Brother, drank a bit too much wine. Yeah, you know, I didn't even notice you had glasses on. Isn't that weird? That's what they're on my face when you're looking at me eyes. I mean... Yeah, exactly. He looks good in them, very statesman-like. Did you not think, because my eyes shrink, because I'm really blind, I'm minus six and a half, which you wear glasses, don't you? Yes. Yeah, minus six and a half. You only have to get

to eight to get an orange sticker for your car. Is that right? I'd have something to aim at. Well, it is, doesn't it? an orange ticket for your car. Is that right? I'd have had something to aim at. Well, it is, you know. It saved me the parking round here. Well, exactly. I had to pay with a credit card. That's all changed, hasn't it? I came with loose change.

Apparently, that's very 1986. Exactly. Yeah, well, no, you're looking very Diary of an Edwardian Lady. It's the look of it. It's the look of it. That's what I... I went into Ted Baker and said, I'd like to look like an Edwardian lady.

Follow me, son. You're actually served by Ted. Yeah. Oh, that's good. So you're on tour at the moment, as you mentioned. It's a big one, isn't it? Yes. It's 97 dates.

Yeah, well, you see, I was in the in the, uh, the Situation Comedy Not Going Out. Yes. And then, uh, sadly, uh, the Situation Comedy Not Going Out, it was decided that that wasn't gonna be on anymore. BBC decided it was not going out. Yeah. Yeah, literally. Ever again.

I was always pushing me luck with that title, wasn't I? Yeah, exactly. Never call a non-broadcast pilot not going out. Yeah. And, uh- I called one pulled after two series. And, you know, it was leading them on. And, uh, so I thought, you know, I better- I better book in a tour. I called one, pulled after two Seahawks. It was leading them on.

And so I thought, you know, I'd better book in a tour. So I booked in a big tour. Then it got recommissioned. So you needn't have gone on tour at all. Well. That surely is what you're implying. Can you suggest there's a certain amount of fund in what I do, rather than just to pay the mortgage? I've overstretched myself, so I'm booking in a breakdown for August.

Oh, that's not bad. Sounds like you're already having it with the red wine and the Big Brother before our sleep. Exactly. But like you know, I'm a control freak, so I book in my breakdowns. I want to know the rules. Schedules. I have to say, I've never known such a... He asked me about this guy. He said, well, do you think this guy would be any good as a tour manager?

Lee said to me. And I said, well, I've only ever done a show with him where I don't tour.'t tour he does the show he can make a show happen but i don't know if he can book hotels and do the driving and lee says oh i'll be doing that i've booked my own hotel i mean who does that i'm letting him book the hotels but actually i'm saying i'm letting go i said i said you bought them but caught with a short list of three for each night and then said it's men i'll choose one from the three so i feel like i'm'm letting go a bit, but I'm still driving my tour manager around. Are you really doing the driving?

Yeah. That is weird. Yeah, yeah, of course I am, because if he drives, he'll, you know, it's not me, is it, so therefore it'll crash. I'm not an idiot. And does he feed you the red wine, or do you reach across the table? No, I, you know, I don't drink whilst driving. No, okay, fair enough. No, no, no, I'm not a fool. I do that

before I get in the car. Nobody does that anymore. I mean, when I was a teenager, that was a big thing, drinking and driving. Thank God. And rightly so, it has changed. Bizarrely, in the 1970s, drinking and driving was just considered cheeky. Yeah, exactly. And rightly so, it's changed. Yeah, it has. Let's all make it clear that we. Yeah, exactly. And rightly so, it's changed.

Yeah, it's... Do you know what I mean? Let's all make it clear that we think it's a good thing. No, it's changed for the better, without a doubt, yeah. Indeed. And I also said to Lee, what the hotels... And you said to me, I don't know if you did this, you were on about booking a house... Yeah, a cottage.

...in the centre cottage. You said, I want a nice open fire. We're on tour, right? We're talking about going on tour. An open fire. An open fire. Yeah. And I turned up? We're talking about going on tour. An open fire. An open fire. Yeah. And I turned up with someone in my tweed jacket.

Yeah. I saw there's two red setters in the lobby. I'm loving it. Are you in your own trope farm? No, I like a cottage. It's better than a hotel because you wake up and you've got like a feeling of being in a house, haven't you? Hmm. You know.

Yeah, but I like somebody making the bed and all that. Yeah, I like hotels. Your flat's like a hotel, because you wake up and you've got like a feeling of being in a house, haven't you? Hmm. You know. Yeah, but I like somebody making the bed and all that. Yeah, I like hotels. Yeah, but your flat's like a hotel. It overlooks the Thames and it's like a, I can imagine, I've not been in it, but I can imagine it being hotel-like. I bet there's chocolates on the bed every night. How dare you. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Lee Mack. I think that's all the basic ingredients that you need to know. I put my headphones on then, because I thought, that finished suddenly, didn't it? Or did you just stop it? No, no, no, it did. Does it stop like that? It does stop just like that. Oh, I thought you'd be really unprofessional.

I thought you'd just come, I've had enough. I do have those moments, but I've never actually curtailed one. Oh, yeah. Generally speaking, absolute. They play such good music, it's okay. You've got the permanent gig, Frank, don't you? I know that. Just do that sort of talk.

So, if you're doing a tour with 97 shows... I said this last time and I'll say it again, you're the only person in Britain who has two syllables for tour. Yeah. Anyway. Now you're on tour. You're on tour, yeah. Oh, that's a good impression, Lee. Yeah. Anyway. Now you're on tour. You're on tour, yeah. Oh, that's a good impression, Lee.

I like that. I know. I spent a lot of time with Frank. So, were you not tempted to add the other three and make it around 100? Because that would have been a good publicity thing, wouldn't it? The 100?

Lee, max 100. I hadn't even thought of that now i am so annoyed at myself for not doing that now you could still you could add three gigs yeah but it's not the same now is it all the publicity has gone out spent a fortune on advertising you can always come back on and say guess what i'm doing three other gigs do you know my i'm so adult i'm so obsessed with darts if anyone ever says a number, I always think of it as a checkout. When you said 100 then, I immediately thought treble 20 tops. And when you said 97, in my head I was thinking treble 19 tops.

So as long as it's a finish, I don't mind. Well, that's because you have the most working-class pedigree of any comic. Can I just read this out from the... It's the most backhanded compliment I've ever had in my life. Listen to this. As a kid lived above a pub in Blackburn. After leaving school, he worked in a bingo hall. Yeah. And as a stable boy, and then became a blue coat at Pontings.

Yeah, you forgot that one. You haven't mentioned the clock factory. Have you arrived in a time machine from the- you should be doing musicals. I've had an old school up-brigging into showbiz, haven't I? You certainly have. Yeah, the Pontins, bit of Pontins, bit of bingo calling. So living above the... Is that where the darts thing came in, living above the pontins? Darts and pool.

I used to stand on a stool. I wanted to be a professional darts player. I spent a year once on the dole playing darts ten hours a day. Ten hours? It meant I was obsessed. You know you've often told your stories and stuff about your drinking. Yes. About it was your obsession.

Yes. Well, replace that with darts. That was my thing. Well, darts is better for you about your drinking. Yes. About it was your obsession. Yes. Well, replace that with darts. That was my thing. Well, darts is better for you, I think. Yeah. I'm fine. Well, the two are often linked. It goes quite hand in hand.

I'll tell you. But what it was was I got really good. I really did. I got, you know, I was practicing all day. Then I joined a pub team and I went to pieces. I couldn't play in public. And I came to the conclusion that every time I would throw in my bedroom, I'd get on the bed, walk across, take the darts out of the board, walk off the bed.

So I was spending all day on the bed, off the bed. So I couldn't play without the bed in front of me. So I thought, if I could take the bed to the pub, and just put it in front of the dartboard and replicate the home situation. But apparently that's not in the rules. No, you can't. You can't replicate. I mean, I think you'll finally get nothing in this game for two in a row. Oh, it's darts themed.

That was darts themed. Don't you just love darts? Who doesn't? I do actually like darts. Have you heard of darts? Yeah, Phil the Power Tailor. Love it. Phil the Power Tailor's my favourite.

I watch darts all the time. That's the other lot. That's the Sky lot. I'm talking about the BBC One darts. So, oh, come on. That's like the Coca-Cola. You see, basically, the BBC One darts is... I think, is not quite as good as the Sky, but I prefer it for that.

It's like the Championship as opposed to the Premier League. Mm. But you get a slightly more old-school type of darts player on that one. You know, the big lads. Yeah. Because you know they can't drink now anymore. Really? Well, you can't drink on telly like they used to.

Is that right? Yeah, you can't drink and smoke like they used to. So what happened, they thought that would be good, but what they do, apparently, they're just all backstage before they come on. They get leathered and they used to. Is that right? Yeah, you can't drink and smoke like they used to. So what happened, they thought that would be good, but what they do, apparently, they're just all backstage before they come on. They're leathered and they come on. They should have drips. They should have... You know you can get those drips on a trolley and the backless gown.

Yeah. They would give it a bit of edge, wouldn't it? So has there been a celebrity darts TV show? Oh, there should be. I am holding out for it. That'd be great. You should be the host.

You'd be the man. I want to play. I like the idea, because we used to do comedians' darts every year, the Last Laugh Cup. I won it three times. Of course. And comedians would come and play in the Last Laugh Cup. And we set it up once where we had a big screen

and we had a close-up, like they do on the telly, of the board, and then on the split screen, on the other one, the player throw at it. But every time the dart landed, he couldn't see the dark because everyone was rubbish it was way away from the treble and every now and again you see a little bit of a flight you could just hear it would have been a great radio show so who else is good at darts in the comedy world well me and tim vine are probably the ones that always compete for this particular trophy. Okay. Yeah, but, uh, mainly me and him.

Is anyone else in it? There was one year, there was one year, when there was three of us turned up for the trophy and the other fellow wasn't very good, so me and Tim just played best of 11. It's a bit sad. In your bedroom. Because when I started that story,

when I started that story, you were going to go, oh, they were all, uh, Frank Carson, Dave Baddiel. Oh, it was... David Baddiel playing darts. I can't imagine that, no. I can imagine you and Tim Vine carrying your bed in before it started. Just leave it there, Tim. That's perfect.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I tell you, I did the photo shoot for the new Absolute Advertising. Oh, did you? It's a three-way thing. Right. It's me, the OC, and Dave Gorman. So it's the three of us standing in the bathroom.

Strange triumvirate. Looking like three men who live together in a shave in the morning. That's how it goes. But it was very... How did it go? Well, the photographer was brilliant, actually. He's very famous. He does lots of big billboard things.

He did that food fight one for Channel 4 with... Anyway. Oh, I know, with Gordon Ramsay. It's very good, but we weren't lined up, and he kept saying, OK, so if you... Chris, if you want to just stand the... And I was thinking, who's Chris?

And I don't think any more of it. And Christian said, after about ten minutes in, if he calls me Chris again, I'm going to have to say, nobody calls me Chris. Christian is my name. Oh, God, the OC's having a bit of a moment. If you want to shorten it, you have to call him Christ. But I got very tense.

Every time the bloke said Chris after that, it was like somebody was punching me in the stomach because I was waiting for the explosion. So anyway, we had a small break and Christian was saying I can't cope with this. And then when we got back, the bloke was saying, so Christian,

would you like to start? And clearly someone had had a word. Someone had had a word. I loved it. Someone had had a word. I think fair enough. Why should the OC be called that? Oh, I was with the OC. We were a triumvirate on the day. We got on like a house on fire. Laugh! Yeah.

So do you look nice in these pictures? I was a nightmare, I'll be honest with you. I really got stroppy. Nothing changes. This bloke said, what about if you stand in the bathroom and someone hits you with a baguette on the head to wake you up? And I said, a baguette in a bathroom? It doesn't make sense.

I said, well, let's give it a go. And I walked out. And this is terrible. This is me getting started. I said, a baguette in a bathroom? That doesn't make sense. I said, well, let's give it a go. And I walked out. And this is terrible. This is me getting started. I said, I just want to know. There was like 20 people there. Oh, I feel sick thinking about you doing this. And I said, I just want to know whose idea that...

Whoever idea that, can you raise your hand? Frank! This bloke raised his from the advertising agency. You didn't say raise your hand. Yes. So this bloke from the advertising agency opened up. And I said, right, now, would you get a baguette in a bathroom? I said, maybe if you worked at Gregg's. But would

you ever get a baguette in a bathroom? A loofah would have been the perfect thing. Yeah, I said that. I hadn't got a loofah. He said, well, I was just looking around for things. I said, were you looking around? And he said, yeah, in fact, there was a baguette over there. I said, well, over where? And he showed me. And I said, oh, and that, right, and is that a bathroom? So it was all like that. You sound like you were insufferable. Yeah, and then I said to the photographer, are you the real photographer, or is the photographer tied up in a cupboard going, mmm, mmm?

So I was, we all, we got completely starry. It was brilliant. Dave Gorman was very nice. Did he do anything starry? No, he was very humble and sweet. And then somebody from the advertising agency, I said, did you brainstorm these ideas? He said, we don't brainstorm anymore.

He says, we have an ideation. I said, okay. And he said, blah, blah. Someone's official title is actually Head of Ideation. The ideator. It's official title was actually Head of Ideation. The Ideator. It's like the Terminator. And he said there was a period in between brainstorm and ideation when we used to talk about idea showers.

It's a different world. It's a completely different world. By this point, the OC had him by the throat. He was virtually uncontrollable. Now, we had a lovely day. I'm looking forward to seeing the pictures. They made us look like we'd just got up first thing in the morning, so they made us look old.

Oh, that must have been a challenge. Shut your face. Was for the OC. He turned up looking immaculate. We just, you know... The OC makes an effort with his appearance. No, he does. That's true.

I think he's beautiful. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What a week I've had. Why? I mean, what a week! Well, who are you, Ed Miliband?

I think not. In a way, we're all Ed Miliband, for he's every man. I'm David. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so you are David. You're right, you've got that bitterness in your eye. So, yeah, well, last Saturday I went to the Emirates Stadium, see West Bromwich LB and beat Arsenal. Oh, yeah? Oh, you did very well, didn't you?

On Monday I went up to Manchester, did two episodes of Question of Sport. Yeah. Can you believe that? Yeah, I can, actually. Don't they usually, usually it's sports people, isn't it? Oh, well, they've changed, they've changed. I'll tell you. Let's not go into it yet.

Then I had an official tour of a London library on Tuesday. I went to see Placebo Live. Yeah. I went to the, um, New Gauguin exhibition at Tate Modern. I saw Caroline O'Connor live, the, uh, the showgirl. Yeah. I had cosmetic surgery. I went to the tape.

What? I saw some Turner paintings there. You had cosmetic surgery? Shut up. I saw Michael Caine. I don't care about Michael Caine. You had cosmetic surgery. Yes, I had cosmetic surgery. Don't lie.

You didn't. I did. They are lovely breasts. I have to say. Just try. Yeah. You didn't. I did. They are lovely breasts. I have to say. Just try. Yeah. Not too hard. Really realistic.

Yeah. I find, I think they've filled them a bit too much. You know, it's like, you know when you have too much tobacco in your pipe? And you can't get any, it's like that. Frank, you didn't really have cosmetic surgery. The one on the left, I could clench biceps. Perfect. Frank! You didn't really have cosmetic surgery. I one on the left, I could clench bicep. Oh, perfect. Fine.

You didn't really have cosmetic surgery. I did have. Are you joking? Yes. That is disgusting. No, I'm not. Sorry, I'm not joking. That is absolutely disgusting.

Why is that disgusting? What have you had done? I think it was that pencil you gave me that said, what would Emily do? Funny. I, um... No, I'm not normally a man who cares much about... I mean, if I took my shirt off now, you'd see that I have a chest like a, like a webbed toast rack. Aww. If you can imagine such a thing. But I started to get, I noticed I got these sort of veins in my nose.

Oh, I was going to get, well. What was you going to get? Well, I thought it was a facelift i'm not being rude just a small tuck i thought you might have had or an endoscopic brow lift maybe i thought you'd had oh but then i was you see you do look quite fresh face something looks different maybe you'd had a water maybe maybe when i explain okay i noticed these these veins had started appearing in my nose. I'm going to be straight about this.

It looked a bit, if you can imagine, a papier-mâché nose. But the paper for the papier-mâché was just pages of the A to Z. Oh, yeah. So you could see various... A lot of A and B roads. Yeah, exactly. And I just wanted to, I said, just take the A roads. I'm all right with the side streets. And I just wanted to, I said, just take the A-roads.

I'm all right with the side streets. But it was, I'll tell you what I think, when I, if you can imagine my face about four foot high. Oh, God. With a slit where the nose was, right? So there's no nose, there's just a hole. And then Madonna put her out, knelt and put her elbow through the slit. So her forearm becomes the bridge of my nose. Can you picture that? Oh, yeah, very easily. Well, that was the sort of heavy nose can you picture that oh yeah very easily that

was the sort of heavy veining i was getting and i thought i can't also it makes you look like a drinker and the very idea frankly i wonder if it was that coming through late yeah it is so i went i went to see uh a doctor and he said uh because I saw there was wordplay but it was about vanity oh yeah you're so vain you're so vain do you see

and so he basically zapped me Frank I can't believe it I know it's terrible you see my line of work you can get away with ugly but people don't like grotesque this is the best of the frank skinner show all the choicest cuts for your delectation weekend mornings

on absolute radio with tree boss off mints working towards a mintier world absolute radio