The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Best Of Part 4

Episode Date: January 4, 2011

In this final best of before Frank, Emily and Gareth return for a new show on Saturday, the team talk about Frank's pants, the Chilean miners and chat to guests Boy George and Ross Noble.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show. All the choicest cuts for your delectation. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio with Trebo Softmints.

Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. I just, I'm going to open by, this isn't going to be rude, I just went to the toilet and not sit in here. I mean, before I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I didn't just go and dig all... No, not there. Give it a couple of hours and...

What with evaporation. So, I was in the toilet and there's a mirror in the toilet, obviously. Oh, it's unflattering, that mirror. Is it? Yeah. You haven't seen the mirror in the men's toilet? Oh, haven't I? Oh, have you?

Oh, haven't I? Ah, ah, ah! We didn't have a jingle for that sound So I had to do it in my mouth I don't think anyone would have noticed That's the morning So let's start the sound again You're in the toilet Looking in the mirror

I've done everything Just as what the one does before leaving This morning I'm wearing a pinstripe jacket With a grey sweatshirt underneath And I realise That that is basically chris evans chic and i never i would never wear it i'd never wear a chic i would never wear a sweatshirt under a pinstripe jacket i mean and it reminded me of that have you seen that tv advert that he's got

the moment for his radio show and And basically, it's him playing, it's all these people really loving the show, right? But he's playing Twist and Shout by the Beatles. So you can see, and he's singing along, but his mic's not up, but he's singing along, right? So you can't hear him singing along, but you can in the studio. And like, there's people dancing in the street, Terry Wogan's having a great time. And I'm thinking to myself, this is not an advert for Chris Evans, is it? This is not saying people like... This is an advert to say people like the Beatles.

Right? Because as soon as he says, Good morning, Great Britain, the advert ends with a suggestion. Then everyone's going, Oh, no. And changed over straight away. So who does an advert saying the Beatles? Very popular.

And he's wearing a spotty shirt, I noticed in that advert. Well, at least he's not wearing a grey sweatshirt under a pinstripe jacket. I'll give him that. That pinstripe jacket, I like it, because it's quite casual. It looks like you might have found it on the tube, like... Found it on the tube? No, but it's got that casual look to it, which I quite

like. Yeah, but found it on the tube is not casual. That suggests that a homeless person has had their dog wrapped in it maybe i've got wardrobe stress at the moment though much worse than yours because you know i've got this posh new job oh yes yeah in case you don't know emily works for in style magazine yeah and not in style magazine which would have been what that sort of pig braiding journal that would have been marvelous or in soul magazine about odor eaters yeah i did think that it was called in so that was a genuine mistake but anyway so everyone's so fashionable there frank well they're gonna be yeah they're amazing these girls so i have this terrible wardrobe crisis i'm not going out i'm

spending every night in doing wall charts of what my wardrobe is going to be for the next day. So say if you wore the same outfit twice in consecutive days, which I always think, a shirt has got two days in it, right? I mean, if you wear something underneath it, definitely. Yeah, oh, God, easily then. But if I wear something underneath it, I figure that's got two days in it as well. I wear jeans for like a week, right? Because, you know, you've got plenty of things keeping everything away from everything.

Unless you spill something really bad, I don't think there's ever a need to wash jeans. Oh, my God! Well, I think you have to wash them eventually, but you can spill quite a lot on jeans and it not be noticed, I find. But I'm going to be straight with you. Pants. Calvin Classics. Pants, yeah. From the market.

Pants, 48 hours. Oh my God! No, I think that's... 48 hours? Pardon? Solid. 48 hours solid. Oh, solid. Um, no, I don't sleep... Not that they'd be solid.

I don't sleep in them, no. Um, no, but I, I,. No, but I... Oh! There's two days in a pair of pants. Two days? Yeah. No, no, I don't. No? No! Well, I'll rush things into forensic. And we'll see who's right and who's wrong.

I'm happy... And socks I change every day. Can I make that clear? Because... Oh, you're spoiling us. Some air might... You change your socks every day. So you think the foot is worse than...

Don't go any further with that. I think socks, my socks seem to smell more than my pants. OK. Can you believe I'm talking about this? I mean, I've got two degrees in English. Can you believe that? I had a short story published in the Sunday Times magazine and here I am talking about what smells more my socks or my pants.

How the mighty have fallen. This is what happens if you take the mickey out of Chris Evans on British Radio. Some sort of demon comes down upon you and robs your nose in you. As long as he doesn't rob his nose in my pants. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So anyway, we were just talking about the fact that Emily is working for this high fashion A sort of devil wears Prada kind of magazine, isn't it? Is that fair? Other clothing for Satan is available

Yes, exactly, that's very much what it is yeah yeah it sounds very stressful oh it is because then also everyone wears designer clothes you can't wear high street because if you go wearing high street everyone knows because they're all fashion experts yeah so that's high street yeah that is everyone knows where everything you you've got came from absolutely Absolutely. That's awful. What about, right, if we got our listeners to make clothes for Emily? Oh, God. I believe the average absolute listener

is a 38-year-old man. I can't sit on a tape measure around their neck and a large pair of scissors. I'm not having them measuring me up. No way, no how. I think they would like Emily's measurements. Maybe... Gareth, what are you suggesting? Maybe we could put online a cut-out

version of Emily so they had something to work from. Well, maybe we could put Emily's measurements on the internet, right? Sorry, this is the... when I've said something that might just upset Emily music from Daily Tribute. Excuse me, there's nothing...

I'm very proud of my measurements. I think you are quite right. I can't shut the triffids up now. Triffids have gone crazy. Oh, there they go. This is... This is... Well, that was...

That was... That was hips and waist, I think. So, no, you're quite right to be proud of your measurements. Good on you. Then no one else at work would have clothes like you'd be wearing. No, that's certainly true. And let's face it, today you two are both dressed by Sue Ryder, I believe, as the designer you're wearing.

Oh, no. I do this thing where I like to lay my clothes out on the night before. Do you? But not for fashion, for weather. I like to guess what the weather's going to be like. So when I get up, there's almost like a little man on my bedroom chair. So I put... I don't feel I want to put the socks that are waiting.

They're in my shoes at the foot of the chair. And then the jeans are lying on the chair, and the shirt's at the back. So it's like they watch over me during the night. You see, I do a similar thing, but I hang them all with hangers. So it's like a pipe cleaner woman. I hang them all on the back of the door, so I can see what they look like.

Oh, no, I don't like hanging... I wouldn't hang up a shirt in the night. I fear I might wake up in the night and think it was a spectre. A fell spectre? It could be was a spectre. Phil Spector? It could be Phil Spector, yeah, which would be a... Oh, I had a terrible experience with Phil Spector once. You had an experience with Phil Spector? Oh, dear. What happened? I might tell you

after. It was... I mean, it was bizarre in many ways. But, uh... Anyway, dot, dot, dot. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Getting some real stick from the people here

about my wearing pants thing. I just think it's disgusting Two days? It's not disgusting bear in mind that means I use well I don't. My cleaner uses less washing powder. Consequently that you know there's probably two polar bears alive that wouldn't be alive if I wore my pants more often. Yeah, but I don't believe you've just started doing it.

I think you have been doing this since 1973, and you didn't know about that then. But I wear... I mean, some of those pants aren't around anymore. Many have disintegrated during the night. No, but I think you're being... I think it's a... There's no need. I can't even tell you... There is need. It's called hygiene.

There's nothing wrong... That's the need. Yeah, but everything inside it is... I keep everything meticulously... I don't want to know what's inside it. I don't want to know. I floss. Oh, my God.

Now, according to what I read this week, for mothers, right, this is the most stressful time of the day. This is when they feel most unappreciated and stressed and upset and close to tears, this time of the day. So we thought we'd just have something a bit sweet and lovely for you, just to show you what I appreciate, right?

So this is like... Imagine that this is you speaking, this is your inner voice. Oh, often... You're still with me? Oh, often have I washed and dressed and what's to show for all my pain? Let me lie abed and rest.

Ten thousand times I've done my best and all's to do again. Oh, no, it's the A.E. Houseman! Oh! Of course! I mean, I just chose it at random, what's the chances? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. God, in case you don't know, there's a thing at Absolute Radio, got this thing against A.E. Houseman, the guy who wrote The Shropshire Lad. And if you read any of his poetry on lad, or even just mention his name,

the whole thing goes... Do you think Chris Evans has got an A.E. Houseman alarm? No, I doubt it. I think he's got... His alarm probably goes off if he mentions a joke. So that was... I'm only saying that. I've got the

same outfit as him on today. I've got nothing against Chris Evans. I think he's a very talented individual. What was we talking about? Phil Spector. Oh, yeah, yeah. You were about to name drop. Yeah, no.

Well, I had a phone call from... This is a few years ago, from a friend of mine who lives in Melbourne. Melbourne, which I think you can win tickets to win to holiday thing. Absolute plain holiday day thing. God, you'll get it this. Freed Christian O'Connell.

Just an anagram of an announcement, station announcement. So she phoned from Melbourne and said, I've just seen an award ceremony in which Phil Spector received a Lifetime Achievement Award. And he spent the whole speech slagging you off. What, you? And I said... You, Frank Skinner? Yeah. And I said, what? She said, it's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life.

How are you on his radar? Well, what happened was this. I did a show with... Are you familiar with a performer known as Mr. Methane? Oh, yeah, I do. Mr. Methane, he breaks wind. I think we can work that out. It's called Mr Methane.

Well, I don't know. Not everyone did chemistry. So Mr Methane wears a green lycra jumpsuit, and he breaks wind in time, you know, to things. So I, on my chat show, you remember my chat show? Oh, yeah, that was on telly. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I can't believe I brought that up now. Anyway, I used to have a chat show you remember my chat show oh yeah that was on telly yeah i mean yeah i can't believe i

brought that up there anyway i used to have a chat show yes and uh on that i did a duet with mr methane we did the do-ron you know to do did you change your pants for it no i hope he changed his though um so we did the do-ron-ron and and I went... Mary, Mary, party in the heart stood still, and Mr Methane did the... but not with his mouth. Oh, OK. Yeah, I'm not going to do the... I'm just not going to do it.

So it was more hilarity. Everyone thought it was hilarious, and I thought it worked quite well. But because if you do a song on a show, you have to the song you have to get the permission of the of the writer so they said well what is the nature of the thing and we said well i just do a duet with this other comedian we didn't mention the um the element the special me i'm trying to think of a word there but everything every word i thought i've just seen wrong for this time of the morning. Distressed mothers at home, children. So, people driving.

So, we didn't tell them, we didn't go into details. So, they got really outraged about it. And, in fact, I brought it out on video, and the video company got fined something like £130,000. Because of Mr. Meek, eh? because well it was my fault i suppose but anyway he got up at phil specter and said you know i'll tell you he says oh artists are treated in the modern world the british comedian frank skinner he said took one of my songs a song loved by a lot of people he said and he dragged it he dragged it through, and he told the whole, I don't know if he did that,

I hope he didn't, but, yeah, he got really upset about it, apparently. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio So what about the minors? I want to talk about the minors.

I want to talk about the minors. I've already picked out two to have hot crushes on, number four and number sixteen. That's another story. They're just numbered now about the minors. I want to talk about the minors. I've already picked out two to have hot crushes on. Number four and number 16. That's another story. They're just numbered now, the minors. Well, no, but I've learnt their names. They've got difficult names. Daniel Herrera, number 16, 37 and single.

He was what I called paramedic minor because he attended to their needs down there, apparently. Oh, did he? And there's baby minor, who's Jimmy Sanchez. He was the little one, the teen one. He's the one who... Jimmy Sanchez. He was the little one, the teen one. He's the one who... He's called Jimmy Sanchez. He's gone into a soul cast since.

Has he why? I think they said he sat in, he didn't talk to anyone. They were worried about him. Oh, I can't bear people like that down there. Just get on with it. Well, that's what I think. Put yourself together, Jim. I mean, I'm saying a soul.

It could be some terrible post-traumatic thingy, so I don't want to lie. Do you know who I like is number... I think he's number four. Oh, yeah, number four. I know that movie. Victor Zamora, who I call Comedy Miner. He was the Joker, apparently.

And he's got quite a good comedy name, Victor Zamora. Is he the one who brought rocks up as presents? I think he might have, yeah. I think you'll find he was number two. Oh, sorry. I think they missed a trick when they were coming up out of that um pod what they should have done is they have have the old theatrical trap door and a puff of smoke because everyone appears because they came and then you saw all

that they had to be unstrapped they should have had a platform built so all that was hidden on the ground all the unstrapping and then they just go up but the shades to be able to legitimately wear shades oh they look cool they all look cool yeah and they had a reason so it's not it's not they were doing it as you say for kind of like rock star trying to look cool versions they just did inherently look cool did they um did they send the shades down to them so they could wear them they did they sent the shades down yeah a so they could wear them? They did. They sent the shades down, yeah. Shipment was sent. What do you think of number 21, Cheating Miner?

Oh, Cheating Miner. Well, there's more than one Cheating Miner, isn't there? He's the one who said he's going to continue to have his wife and his mistress. I like that in him. Well, you'd have thought that time underground would have given him time to think things through and make a positive decision. What I liked is that West Brom defender, Gonzalo Jara, who's a very good player, can I say, who's Chilean, he sent them a signed shirt while they were underground. Did he?

It's just what you need. If that didn't lift their spirits, what would? Okay, so what else? There's a text in that I liked. Liza from Reigate, who says, My friend thinks perhaps everyone on? Oh, yeah, there's a text in that I liked. Liza from Rygate, who says, My friend thinks perhaps everyone on the surface... This is about the miners. My friend thinks everyone on the surface...

I like on the surface. ...should have been dressed... How's it going on the surface? ...should have been dressed in Planet of the Apes outfits. I love it. I don't know why that's good, but I do like it. No, it is, because then they'd think the Earth had been taken over. I think...

And they'd all come up and go, oh, you damn dirty apes! I think for the last three or four, maybe, they should have hidden when they came out, so they thought, oh, everyone's gone, then they got bored. And also, the president, he's got a nice smile, hasn't he? He's done the bleaching. Oh, yeah. Yeah, think to yourself, look at stuff, look at the shades on.

He did, he had the really, like the Simon Cowell smile. I don't want that from a politician. I like the high-maintenance wife as well, enjoying the publicity. Yeah. And her moment in the world spotlight. There was a bit where she applauded and she slightly blocked the president in the camera and he physically pushed her out the way. That was a little hint in what their marriage is like.

In the very midst of the miners' celebrations. Boy George is in the studio. Good morning. Good morning. It's fabulous to see you. I have to say, we were all admitted that we were all a little bit nervous before you came in. Really? Yeah.

Oh, I have that reputation, but I'm lovely. No, we weren't so much that. It was, you know, you see someone on top of the pops, and then you're all talking about in the pub at a time when you're working in a factory, and then suddenly you're sitting next to them. Well, speak for yourself. Oh, sorry. Obviously, Emily never works in a factory. No, Emily's quite glamorous. Emily's already fretting about the word quite. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean. So, George, I want to start by saying that you are very, very busy at the moment.

Because usually people plug one thing on this show, but you're doing loads. Yeah, well, I'm kind of making up for lost time. Lost time? Is that what you mean? It's a period where i couldn't travel for about um eight months so um yeah i'm sort of like in a bit of a frenzy but it's great it's great to be working and uh it's nice to be busy i like doing things yeah that's i love doing stuff so i'm happy when i'm busy can i ask when you was when you was in uh prison did you um is it a time because

everybody thinks wouldn't it be great to just get off the merry-go-round for a bit and sit and think about your life and blah, blah. Do you get to do all that stuff, or is it just people rattling metal tins against bars? You do get a lot of time on your own, and, you know, at a certain point, you do actually think, oh, this is actually quite good, because you get time to think.

The only thing is, it's kind of an enforced sort of situation, so a little bit. it's not like going to india you know because the last time i kind of had that experience was when i went to india in the 90s when i sort of really felt like i had some time to me but that was a different kind of experience but it was wasn't that dissimilar i mean i got to read a lot yeah i read a lot i read all the books that I thought I'd read everything from kind of Wuthering Heights to

Catcher in the Rye I read everything have I read this or am I just pretending that I've read it so I read all that and that was a really good thing already I'm getting sentence envy to be honest when I knew I was being released

I did have a moment of like do I really want to get out? And I thought, you know people talk about people being institutionalized. I did actually think, well, I can understand why. Because you know what you're doing. I had a really good job. I worked in the kitchen. I really liked the people I worked with. And when I left, they were actually really sad that I was going.

Was it like when you leave a job? Did they have a leaving party? The last week, you don't have to work, and I went in every day. And people were like, why are you going in? And I was like, well, what am I going to do, sit in my cell all day? Of course I'm going to go in. And they actually said to me, oh, you're one of the best workers we've ever had here. Marvellous.

Yeah. And we got off job. Yeah. I think that freedom from responsibility, I would quite like that aspect. Well, because it becomes really normal. You see, that's the thing. After a while, when you first get there,

it's like, oh, God, you know, you just would do anything to not be there. Yeah. And then once you kind of settle in and people have got over sort of shouting out a common chameleon and whatever else they want to shout out, you know, once they get bored of that, then you just become another person that's there.

And that's when it kind of gets a bit easier. I must say, I felt sorry for George Michael coming out the same week as the Miners. He was overlooked, wasn't he? I'm sure he was probably quite pleased, though. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio. Here's another highlight of the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. With Trebor Softmints.

Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth. That's the morning. So I was leaving the Absolute Studios last Saturday, and I was just heading towards my car. What's a car?

Why are you a regional football manager telling an anecdote? I don't know why. I was leaving Absolute Studios. It felt like it should be a sort of Bernard Manning type. I was leaving and then some terrible sordid tale, but no, it isn't. And I was walking towards my car when I heard a voice go, Frank! Frank!

So I looked around, who wouldn't? Well, I suppose in a list of people who wouldn't, there'd be quite a lot of people and I'd call Frank. But anyway, there was a young woman there. Oh God. No. She wasn't carrying a child and holding out an invoice.

She, um, so she says to me, oh, I'm leaving, um, I am leaving the country after ten years. And I thought, oh, this is going to be, this is going to be for money or thermal blankets. Was it Gamu? It wasn't, no, it wasn't. It wasn't Gamu, no. She was more, um, Latinite. Okay.u. She was more Latinate.

Okay. Oh. Yeah, Hispanic. Yeah. Gamu, I believe, is African. Yeah. Yes. Gamu could be there today, waiting.

Now, if she's listening to this, she'd think, you know, I can't say it without doing the voice, so I'm not going to do it. So, anyway. So, she's leaving the country after ten years. Yeah, and she said to me, I just wanted to say, and this is, I mean, I don't normally it without doing the voice, so I'm not going to do it. So, anyway... So, she's leaving the country after ten years. Yeah, and she said to me, I just wanted to say, and this is, I mean, I don't normally, you know... And stop the accent, I enjoyed the accent. No, yeah, she said, I just want to say, you know, you have been so marvellous, and I have loved your radio books, listen to TV program, radio program, this, that.

I thought, listen to TV program? We have been here a long time. And I said, well, that's really nice. And she said, can I give you a hug? Oh, God. And I thought, well, it's sort of, you know, I've already gotten it from that autograph collector. No, she looked lovely, though. She looked very clean.

And so we hugged, and it was nice. And she said, thank you, because I know English don't like to touch. Which I thought, true. Not in my case. You haven't said where you're from. And she slightly hung her head. And she said, Uruguay. And then she said, I'm sorry about referee.

That was so sweet. That's very sweet. Anyway, I got in my car after this and the driver, and they're a hard-bitten, cynical bunch of drivers, you know, spend a lot of time scraping vomit up upholstery. I mean, that would turn anyone into a cynic.

And he said to me, he said, you know what, I was really moved by that, mate. He said that was, and we drove back in a glow of, well, I was in a glow of praise and he was dining off the crumbs from my table. But I think that was all right.

So that was... We get some very lovely emails and texts to this show. Texts on 8.12.15, obviously. And we never read them out because I say it sounds a bit rubbish, reading out praise on the air. But we love them. We read them to each other and we all glow.

But that was just a lovely moment. So if Paula is listening, that's her name. Oh, OK. I didn't, Paula. That's what you're asking. Oh, gosh. Sorry, I warped. Can I say it?

No, you can't. Can we edit? Oh, it's live. Well, I mean, I should have been told. Oh, dear. So, yeah, it was a lovely moment. And music, I think. I believe we've had some emails.

We have, during the week. Some email heskies. Oh week. Some email heskies. Oh, I like email heskies. This is a great one I really like from Gary Davenport. Can I say, never start anything like that. Oh, but I like Gary Davenport. But now you've set up a stand up, it's going to be a great one. I mean, imagine, Gary, oh, he must be quaking in his boots.

He must be nervous. Okay, oh, must be, he must be clanking in his boots. He must be nervous. OK. Well, let's get, the jury's out. So, Gary Davenport says, Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, I had what I call an idiotic eureka moment a few days ago. I'm going to write that down. Idiotic eureka. Didn't she used to be on Shooting Stars? Oh. Idiotic. Still is. OK, everyone got that? Idiotic eureka? Yes, idiotic. Still is. OK, everyone got that idiotic eureka? Yes, idiotic eureka moment.

So he says, a competition appeared on TV recently with the question, what type of dancing did Stavros Flatley parody? I had the said eureka moment when I suddenly realised that Flatley must be a reference to Michael Flatley, the legendary Irish dancer.

So I realised it was Irish. I explained my euphoria to my fiancée, Michelle, and she looked at me and said, you've only just got that, you idiot. So that was this idiotic eureka moment because it happened much later on in time. I know exactly what... The same thing happened to me with...

Do you remember the British telecom adverts with Maureen Lippman? Oh, yeah, Beatty, her name was. Her name was Beatty? Yeaht yeah do you know it took me a year and a half to work out that was a pun on bt i never realized that you didn't realize oh my god you lucky listeners you were here at the moment when gareth got the bt pun and i had to tell him can i say i remember the there was a clunk of a penny dropping. And I thought, oh, that's... I get it.

And you do. I did exactly what he did. I told someone as if they hadn't got it yet. And they just looked at me as if I was some sort of fool. I did that in a restaurant recently. All my anecdotes involve a restaurant in some way. And it was quite a posh restaurant. And you know when they give you that lemon

and it has a little muslin pouch over it, a little mus bag over the lemon i have no idea what you're talking about no yeah you do frank have you had it yeah i think that's to stop um pips going into it yeah but i didn't realize that about a week ago i didn't know that what did you think it was what i thought it was like i thought it was like decorative to make it look nice. Well, it does look nice. I think muslin has got a lovely softness about it. Muslim. So, Gary has had another example of this, which I quite like. Oh, Gary's on an absolute roll. Yeah.

He said, my fiancée had her own one recently. We'd bought a new sun hat for our daughter Gemma, which bore an uncanny resemblance to a nun's habit. She asked me, what's a nun's habit? To which I replied, it's the name of the headgear worn by nuns. After about a 30-second pause, she said, oh, now I get it, Sister Act 2, back in the habit. Ever since the film came out, she thought the Whoopi Goldberg

was simply back in the habit of being a nun. Well, you can never know where the holes are going to be in someone else's knowledge. Poor, poor lad. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. More listeners on podcasts than viewers on Animal Planet. That's another, eh? Come on!

Rocking! Oh dear, it's been a mixed week for me. I discovered, having read all these fabulous statistics, that, for example, we've got nearly as many viewers as MU TV, which is the Man United TV network.

No snoods on that. No snoods, no. But, at the same time, I went to the doctor this week, and it turns out I've got ringworm. Oh. Now, I know what you're thinking. Oh. But it's not a worm.

Is it contagious? It's not contagious. Well, actually, it could be, because he said to me, I said, look, I've got this thing on my arm. It's, I won't show it to you now. I'm not taking off my... Oh, okay, don't show it to me ever. Oh, I thought people, oh, I like to see a

scab of any kind. Anyway, it was, he said to me earlier, he said, have you got a horse? I said, well... He didn't. He did. That was his first question to me, have you got a horse? I thought maybe, you know, I thought, is it a tube stripe?

He's looking for a lift. So do you think you're Prince Charles? Yeah, exactly. I hope not. Well, I've heard about ringworm. I think wrestlers get it. It's very common amongst wrestlers. Wrestlers get it?

Yeah. Honestly, there's a lot of skin-on-skin contact and abrasions. It looks like a small red rosette on my arm which is why i think he might have been asking about the horse maybe he thought i'd turned up you know i was something of a brag art and i turned up with a couple of trophies i'd wanted to race and jim carter so you turned up there what do you think about this yeah next thing i know he's giving me dactycort to rub on it so are you i say dactycort that's what i'm robbing on at the moment are you imagine that some discomfort right no that's the

thing about it it neither itches nor does nor is it sore that sounded like a paraphrase of what shylock said in the merchant of venice but not a very good one. So I just, I like to keep the listeners up on my, imagine me, you know when you're walking through a forest, maybe there's been a bit of rain, it's a bit damp, and you see a fallen tree with a lovely sort of red and golden fungal crustacean growing on it. That's what I'm like now. The old oak. The grand old oak. The old oak. The grand old oak. The old oak. With things living on me. I'm fine with it.

It was also a sad week because it was the anniversary of John Lennon. Oh, yeah, that's a shame. And I remember him dying quite clearly. I do as well. I got up that morning. I was a student at the time and i was living with my parents i was that kind of student um was that when you all shared a room well you had the outside toilet then i remember that that's what it was was it yeah probably

anyway i got up my mom had left a note for me and it said john lennon shot outside his new york flat and then block capitals underlined about five times dead so it was you know it wasn't subtle and I was so upset I thought I'm not going to college I'm going to go and get drunk oh Frank so um you can tell what time I got up the pubs was open so um I went to the pub and there used to be a very very strange man who drank in this pub, a Scottish bloke, very odd, older than the rest of us, and always had a strange, starry look on his face. And it didn't work, I don't know.

Anyway, and he came up to me and said, What brings you in here at this hour? And I said, One of my heroes died. You know, I'm just... And he said, Do you know he was the fifth best fencer in Europe I said was he I said he was John Lennon he said no no no

Oswald Mosley and Oswald Mosley the leader of the British fascist movement had died the previous weekend and he thought I was so upset by that I was drowning in my sorrows now that's a worry isn't it well exactly i wasn't happy about that at all i remember i was frank because i was um and when was it was 81 so oh i was i was barely alive yeah yeah but um i was with my mother and

she was going we were going to our hairdresser's house to have our hair cut to their house yeah we did things differently and um she and my mum were so upset about john lennon that she wasn't concentrating the hairdresser on my hair and she cut it so badly and she realized the fringe was all kind of wonky and she went oh never mind you look a bit like yoko ono you don't get those uh are you crying i know i remember you know what i did cry and i remember thinking i'm a child i don't want to look like yoko ono even an adult doesn't want to look like yoko all a bit harsh i like a topical hairdresser this is frank skinner absolute radio the man's here the man the man has arrived.

So how are you? It's great to see you, as ever. Likewise. You're always on the road, aren't you? You're a bit like Bob Dylan in that respect. Well, I like to think of myself more like the littlest hobo. Oh, yeah. Naked. And often getting locked in basements.

And I do eat from bins now and again this is ross noble by the way so uh yeah so um you're playing um hammersmith apollo this very weekend yes tomorrow and the day after i've got dvd out right there's the plug-in finished which is what it's called no let's not bother not even talking about this his car. No. Just Google it. Just Google it. It's in shops. Yeah. You know. And it doesn't matter which DVD they buy. If they go and buy a DVD of yours, it's fine, isn't it?

I think so. Yeah. How many have you got out? Six. Yeah, well, there you go. It's a six to one shop. Yeah. I'll always stick for that.

Have you got a tank yet, by the way? No, I bought a digger instead. I bought an Earthmover Bobcat instead. I bought a, um, an earth mover, bobcat device. Have you? I did, yeah. The last time I saw Ross, he was telling me, he said you should come down and have a go. I'm going to get a tank and come and have a ride in it.

But you're all talk. Well, I've still got my eye on the tank. Yeah? Yeah. This is here in the UK because you've moved back here now, haven't you? Yeah, yeah. And I bought, like, a place that's got a bit of space. I don't live in like flats. It's just on the car park. Yeah.

Or like when you see, you know when you see a house and the whole of the garden is taken up with someone repairing a car. Yeah. You know, it's up on bricks and stuff. Lot through Lout. Yeah. Or sometimes a balcony on a block of flats. You'll see absolutely crammed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and stuff. Lockery lounges. Or sometimes a balcony on a block of flats. You'll see absolutely crammed with stuff.

I like a classic motorcycle. Yeah. You see a motorcycle on the... On the sixth floor. Yeah. It's like a sort of industrial window box. Exactly. Well, to be fair, I did have...

I used to live in Walthamstow for a while and I was so worried about my motorcycle being stolen that I did used to bring it in the house. But I lived in a house that had, like, quite a narrow, you know, one of those sort of narrow hallways. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, so everyone that came to see me, they would leave with just grease all on their heads

because they had to sort of slide Indiana Jones-style down the side of the bike, so, yeah. It went back to our little town of broken Britain. Having to bring your motorbike indoors for safety reasons. How about having to drive a tank around to keep away from the students? Yeah, eh?

If only Camilla and Charles had thought of the old time. They can get a tank at the snap of their fingers. Yeah. But what would have happened if they'd been in the full carriage? Would they have gone for the carriage? Oh, the Landau, do you mean? The what? The Landau. Oh, is that what it's called?

Yeah, that's what they're called. Really? There are three people in this carriage. That's what the driver would have said. Sorry, you've made me laugh to the point where I wheeze like an old man. Oh, I love it when I can achieve that. I don't achieve it that often. I've gone as far as causing rheumatism.

Am I now riddled with infection having shaken your hand when I can achieve that. I don't achieve it that often. I've gone as far as causing rheumatism. Am I now riddled with infection, having shaken your hand when I first came in? No, because the ringworm's on my arm, and it's not a quick spreader. OK. And I'm already... I'm attacking it with creams. Unless you're wrestling him later.

Well, that is how... I forgot about the wrestling. Maybe I should... Have I touched the nerve? Maybe I can take a I forgot about the wrestling. Maybe I should... Have I touched the nerve? Maybe I can take a rain check on the wrestling. Do people still take a rain check? I've never really understood what it meant, but I'm going to take one anyway.

What does that mean? That is very confusing, isn't it? Well, I'll only take a rain check with a credit card. Right. Yeah, to back it up. I won't just take one willy-nilly. I think next time somebody says they're going to take a rain check on anything I do, I'm going to insist that theyy-nilly. I think next time somebody says they're going to take a rain check on anything I do,

I'm going to insist that they actually check the rain. Okay. Yeah, with a full meteorological, I don't know the word, meteorological device. It was near enough to me. We're not overly precise on this show. Meteorological, is it? Or is it meteor? Meteorological.

Meteorological. Meteorological, isn't it? Is it? Meteorological. That's? Or is it meteor? Meteorological. Meteorological. Meteorological, isn't it? Is it? Meteorological. That's this week's phone. Exactly. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So, you live in the countryside, as you were saying. Do you do something special Christmas Eve? Because, you know, I once watched that Pete and Katie show, and they've got a sort of country estate. You know, the Katie Price thing. And they're... Much like yourself, Ross.

I'm imagining this is similar to your lifestyle. Sorry, you've touched such a nerve. I've touched a nerve. I shouldn't really say this, because it's on the radio. I should probably tell you this, but I've moved to this area, and I'm not going to say where it is, but Lisa Marie Presley has bought a place up the road. Wow.

Right? But there's this place, not far, I mean, it's a bit of a drive, but, like, this private estate where, like, Tom Cruise and Kate, this isn't where I live, this is a way away, but Peter Andre moved in and he gets his coffee from the local Starbucks. So I shouldn't be telling you this, but

I've got this joke with the guy that was chanting the guy in the Starbucks. Don't worry, we only have 252,000 listeners. What could possibly go wrong? And I find them in general to be discreet. Yeah,000 listeners. Well, what could possibly go wrong? And I find them in general to be discreet. Yeah, he could.

He listed himself. Myself and the fella in the Starbucks. He said, I didn't know you were living down here. We were chatting away. And then he comes up, he goes, you know, Peter Andre comes in here for his coffee. So I had this running joke about the fact that there was a picture of Peter Andre's house.

Why am I telling you this? There was a picture of Peter Andre's house in Why am I telling you this? There was a picture of Peter Andre's house in one of them magazines that my wife had lying around. So I said, let's try and find his house. So we went back. You did not go out driving? Not in the Earthmover. Well, yeah.

I went past his house. Let's move it. Let's move it 100 yards to the left to see if he notices. I was dressed as a mysterious girl. If he likes that. He move it. Let's move it 100 yards to the left to see if he notices. I was dressed as a mysterious girl. If he likes that. He loves it. That's as mysterious as a woman can get.

Like, not quite sure if she's a man or not, and she's driving a digger. Yeah, I find that. That's more just an unusual girl. That was the B-side. Slightly freaky woman. Why are you in a... Anyway, the point is You didn't go out actually

looking for that. Well, no, the thing was, right, I was driving around and I've got a human baby child and we decided to, because the child falls asleep in the car, so you kind of just drive around sometimes, you know, just killing time. Rather than walking, rocking. Yeah,

you just drive, you know. Do you not have a cradle? Well, you know, just killing time. Rather than walking, rocking. Yeah, you just drive, you know. Do you not have a cradle? Well, you know, the child falls asleep. It's a good way of destroying the environment, you know. It's two birds with one stone. Soon we'll all fall asleep. Yeah, exactly. I can't, you know, I can't be going out shooting white rhino.

That's way too much time on my mind. Not in Kent. Exactly. Well, you'd have to put your gun through the bars. Yeah. So the hook shot was, I was driving around, and I thought, I'm going to find Peter Andre's house. But this wasn't in a freaky stalkery sort of a way.

It's just... No, it's a challenge. Yeah, he lives on that, you know, he lives on that big fancy estate, private estate. So why am I telling you, I was driving around. So anyway, the fella says to me in the coffee place, he says Sir, Peter Andre comes in here

and without thinking, as I've done to you, I went, I've been driving around looking for this. So the guy, then he goes, what? Did he think you had a delivery? Yeah. He said, well, he's ordered a muffin. Can you take it?

Got a wax, hot wax in a cauldron for his chest brimming cauldron he uh across the bees on the top i've picked up on the road he actually has to buy waxworks museums old waxwork there's like, normal domestic wax isn't enough. He has to buy old wax museums. That's somebody that is back. It used to be Sir Francis Chichester. He's in that Two Swords Robin every day. So I just jokingly say to the guy,

I was trying around looking for his house, and he goes, what? So now I've built up this rapport with the guy in the coffee shop who basically, every time I go in there, he went, he was in last Tuesday. So I've now dragged other people into my... Has he tagged him?

I'm stalking people that I'm not really that bothered about. Because he doesn't bother me either way, Peter Andre. No. You know. No, but nothing against him. You know, nothing against him, but I wouldn't say I was a fan. I'm perfectly ambivalent to Peter Andre. Except when you're driving around with your child.

How often can you say that you're perfectly ambivalent to anyone? That's a unique position. Oh, pretty often, actually. Oh, really? Yeah, that's what his new album's called. You're perfectly ambivalent. Perfectly Ambivalent. Perfectly Ambivalent. Peter Andre.

P.A. Yeah. So now I've said that to you. P.A.? Peter Andre. Perfectly Ambivalent. He could have the words coming off, like, his name across the top, and then Perfectly Ambivalent coming off the...

Yeah. Oh, God, no. Have you got a felt pen? Probably not. They sort of get it over to you. Oh, he don't really live. Oh, I do. Oh, God, no. Have you got a felt pen? Probably not. They sell pens. Yeah, we get it. Oh, for two reasons. Oh, we don't know where he lives.

Oh, I do. Oh, you do know him. You've worked that out. He's probably on his website, isn't he? Come and visit. It's just... You know which ones it is, because out the back there's just a load of discarded celebrity clothing.

And historical hats. Oh. This is the best of the Frank Skinner Show. All the choicest cuts for your delectation. Weekend mornings on Absolute Radio with Trebor Softmints. Working towards a mintier world. Absolute Radio.