The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Bikinis In An Urban Environment

Episode Date: May 3, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss the feather cut, synchronised swimming and bikinis in an urban environment.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you Thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absolute radio.co.uk Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though And welcome to the not the weekend podcast Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. And welcome to the Not The Weekend podcast here on Absolute Radio, or at least probably on the internet, but through the auspices most certainly. And this is Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily and Gareth.

We are quarat, I think it's fair to say. Oh, I love that word. Good. Barrow Trade Union. Yeah. It means there's enough of us, does it? That's correct. That's good.

I'm on board. Yeah. It doesn't mean we're big Quo fans, if that's what you were thinking. Although I am. I was a big Quo fan in my youth. Really? Oh, yeah. Did you go full denim?

I can see you in full denim. I think I probably did go, yeah go I remember seeing them at Birmingham Town Hall and the next day I couldn't move my head I'd waved my head about so much that I'd done my neck muscles in How they did it, I don't know They must have done years of training

like David Coulthard lying with his head just off a table to strengthen the neck muscles You know the kind of thing I can see you in a jean waistcoat, Frank, and a flare concealing a platform. I can see you in a jean waistcoat presenting Tis Was. Oh, that would have been great for me. Frank, our listeners have been texting in this week.

They don't go to sleep. They still keep it going. They don't go to sleep? What kind of people are they? A bit like me in the 90s um this is yeah but you had you had assistance that's it frank no you're the one with an assistant who doesn't do his own shopping uh dear frank kevin and gareth greetings again he says from vietnam, this is from Mike. Good morning, Vietnam! Is that what he

said? That's what Mike's getting at. Okay, Mike from Vietnam. Lovely. Mike from Vietnam is actually emailing us in, because we were talking last week, you may not recall, you have a busy life, but we were talking about the worst thing we've ever dropped. Do you remember that? Hold on, this is not going to be napalm, is it?

No! I mean, that's not going to be napalm, is it? No. I mean, that's not entering into the spirit of the whole phone, and you think that's bleak in the extreme. He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, greetings again from Vietnam. On last week's topic of the worst thing you've ever dropped, I work in a port here, so I'd better not say what's the worst thing we've ever dropped,

as it's measured in tonnes, went down with an almighty crash, and is still the subject of an insurance dispute. It is Napalm. This was during my days when I was the pilot of the Enola Gay. For goodness sake. Whoa, I wonder what that could be then. I know. Still the subject of an insurance dispute.

Oh, I love that. I'd be happy with that as an epitaph. Can I be a digital snob and be referred to as 4890? One digit up on all the UK listeners who are able to take... I don't think we should encourage that. Really? In three weeks' time, we'll be reading out a list of 54 numbers. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, but, you know...

Sorry, Mike. You might not have democracy in Vietnam, but back home in England. Oh. Jack Davis, who is a, but back home in England. Oh. Jack Davis, who is a scouser living in Malaysia. Oh, it's gone very international today, but I'm liking Jack Davis. That sounds like the sort of name, if you stay in a hotel with your secretary, that you might come up with. Yeah, I'm Jack Davis and this is my wife Lynn.

Lynn Davis, you see. I remember he won that super sports thing. Do you remember that? Before that, he was a long jumper. Oh, was he? Yeah, I looked. He jumped in one direction. I don't know whether his strength was height or length. It's a very fine

line. Hi, Frank. Em, I hope you don't mind me calling you that. I feel a very fine line. Hi, Frank. Em, I hope you don't mind me calling you that. I feel like I know you. That's the beginning of some dark mail. And our Gareth, which I've slightly moved to be called our... He's gone up to the level of our Keith. Yeah.

Our Keith is my brother, who I've always called Arkeith. He's not newly named at all. But Gareth, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He says he loves listening to the show, and he says, I am a scouser. Is that it?

Wasn't that a Will Smith film? That was I Am Robot. It was a bit more technical. And there was less wise cracking in it. I am the walrus. I'd like to see Will Smith in I Am Scouser. Brilliant. He says, Em, you do a great Scouse accent.

Do you? Oh, thank you very much. You've heard my Ikora. Oh, of course, you're Okora. I don't even think of him as being from this planet. I think of him as supernatural. He's from somewhere like Bootle. I think he's from Bootle. Yeah, you're right.

Thought you could try this one. Sorry to interrupt, but Frankie did say this week he has a lot in common with Robbie Williams. We both smoke silk cut. They both smoke silk cut. Of course. Derek Okora smokes silk cut. They both smoke silk cut. Of course. Derek and Cora smoke silk cut. I thought he smoked some ancient Egyptian cigarette supplied by his familiar Sam.

Sam's his dealer. So he's got a suggestion of something he would like you to say in Scouse. I don't know where this is going. He wants you to say, they do do that, though, don't they? Oh, I think this is... Yeah, this is one of those.

They do do that though, don't they though? The Scouse version should be, well, I should let you do it, but he says it should be they do do that though, don't they though? I know exactly how it goes. That was perfect. No, it wasn't. That was absolutely... They do do that though, don't they though?

That's good. It's pretty good. Frank, over wasn't. That was absolutely... That's good. It's pretty good. Frank, over to you. You went a bit do-si-do at the end. It started very promisingly. It's not tricky. I think it's something we should work on. I suggest we try this as a vocal exercise. I suggest we try this as a vocal exercise.

They do, do, that. They do, do, that. I heard a scouse at a football match going, Grab his coat, Joey. Grab his coat. I had a scouse who asked for a Czech and bossy once. That's very scouse. Should I give a warning, by the way, to anyone listening, that a friend of mine did choke to death trying to do a Scouse accent.

You're joking, are you? Yeah, so it's good to have a friend nearby. Because once you get deep into the... It's a bit of saliva goes down the wrong hole. That's what you used to say in my childhood. Oh, it's gone down the wrong hole. We didn't say hole, obviously, because there were no H's in those days. i didn't even meet an h

about 1986 i thought i thought they were asthmatic the person who was using it what else so i had um a yet another brutal hairdressing experience this week it does look short babe yeah i like it better actually i do yeah i think it's do you i do what did i say this morning that i felt bad It does look short, babe. I like it better, actually. I do, yeah. Do you? I do. What did I say this morning, though? I felt bad. He said, oh, it'll grow. I know.

Yeah, that's not what you want to hear when you've had your hair cut. Oh, OK. Although it is true, of course. I mean, I made a mistake going back to the barbers where the man said to me, where I said I have it a bit longer at the front, and he says, oh, to hide what's going on under there, which is the worst thing anyone's ever said in a hairdresser,

as far as I'm concerned. The worst thing anyone's ever said in a hairdresser? Yes, I think so. You obviously never went into Sweeney Todd's. What about, is this an ear in my pie? You know, that's the worst thing? They said some things, but people thought they were talking in a Scouse accent.

He said to me... Hold on, is this the man who offered you blur memorabilia? No, he was quite good in comparison. That was in London. This was just by my house in Bournemouth, and he was... Oh, well, I mean, that's not going to be a proper barber, is it? I'm saying nothing, Frank, but yes.

No, that's going to be... He probably does deck chairs at the same time. He's cutting your hair. He's got one eye out, making sure no one's having a free sit. Yeah, he didn't seem it. He didn't seem like he'd been trained. He said to me, so, do you want it shaved, clippered, or cut on the sides?

Shaved, clippered, or cut? I don't want to cut. Oh, no, you've got to have your instructions, obviously. Really? Yeah, I had someone told off the other week for that. He said, oh, whatever you think, and they said, look, it's your hair. Oh, no, you've got to have your instructions, obviously. Yeah, I had someone told off the other week for that. He said, oh, whatever you think. And they said, look, it's your hair. Well, not in my case. But Frank goes in and...

Some of it is. Yeah. No, this is all mine today. OK. Frank likes what I call evacuee chic. Well, I always say, number three, round the sides, then they know what the clipper setting is. Right, it's down.

Number three, round the sides, and not too much off the top, which I know is a little ambiguous, because one is not too much. That's very good advice, because I have what is described as too much off the top, is what they've done. Yeah, well, I did once try, I said I want a sort of returning World War I hero look,

and they just looked at me in the mirror. They didn't just look at me, they looked at me in the mirror. So it was some sort of secondary stare I got from them. Life used to be so simple. There was a time that I used to have the feather cut. Do you know what the feather cut is?

Have you ever seen a skinhead girl? Oh, the buzz cut. The buzz cut. And then it's like strandly. A little bit like Paul Weller. That's a buzz cut. Well, we called it the buzz cut. Buzz cut. And then it's like strandly, a little bit like Paul Weller. That's a buzz cut. Well, we called it the feather cut. But nowadays, I don't have a haircut with its own name.

And that makes things much easier. Oh, and you had a chin-tin. No, but yeah. If I went in and said to your average Barbara, I mean, you know, as you know, I now go to what I've recently begun to call the nine quid shop, because it used to be the seven quid shop. But they're all young Australian women.

They're not going to know who Tintin is, I don't think. So it's good if you can say, I'll have a Purdy or something like that, and people know what it is. That's very helpful. So what you need to do, you need to get a name for the hairstyle you're after. Like a Middleton.

I'd probably, if I was going for a blowdryer, I'd ask for a Middleton. It would have been a Cheryl, but... Yeah, but it depends which Middleton you get. Oh, I'd be happy with either. That sounds a bit weird. It doesn't mean something like that. So you need a... Is there a personality in mind?

Is there a celebrity you're emulating in the hair front? I don't think so. I've been trying to get my hair like Damon from Blur for years. Oh, OK. So maybe that could happen. OK. Isn't he receding quite a bit? Yeah, so perfect.

Yeah. I think Damon's trying to get his hair like Damon from Blur, isn't he? Quintessentially. But I think those days are gone. I've just thought, I don't think you should go in and ask for tinting because you'll get highlights or something. No, that's a good point. Well, if I add

Her-Jay to clear things up. Do you talk, do you make... Her-Jay, that sounds like Brummie for heard you. Does it? It absolutely doesn't. Can I make that point? Any Brummies listening, I can only apologize. Do you make small talk with your hairdresser, though? I was in a bit of

a mood, to be honest. I was a bit grumpy, so I didn't really want... I hate it when you're grumpy. It's awful. I just wanted to sit there and him do it to me. Yeah. Oh. Sorry for saying that. Yeah, I used to say this to Vic and Shai. He also...

I said, the fringe is a bit long at the moment. I want it a bit shorter at the front. And he goes, oh, so... Well, obviously you want it shorter. Yeah. That's what I'd say. Why are you here? What, you think I'm going to make it longer? Get out. Right out. Right out.

No, right. So he sprayed the fringe and he said, so do you remember how long it was when you liked it? Like holding his finger. What? Vic Stein said exactly the same thing to me. This is uncanny. It's like a walked-out memory lane.

Yeah. Do you remember? No, I don't remember exactly how long it was. It's a small biro mark on the forehead. Yeah. That's a good idea. That is a good idea. Maybe the thing is to have your ideal hairdo tattooed on

and then they just work to that they work to a pattern on the scalp then they know but you see I don't I have no problem

with the cut and conception of the hair clearly what I do have is sometimes when I didn't have my regular this week when I went to the hairdresser

I had he's a nice guy he's done my hair before but he's not someone I have often. So he knows me, Natch, but he started doing my hair and he said,

oh, I haven't seen you for ages, Emily. In fact, last time I saw you you were off to Jules Holland's Hootenanny. I said, what? He said, yeah, you were going to Jules Holland's Hootenanny. And he was, Frank, he was so enthused about it. He was so determined that I'd gone there. And you hadn't? No.

What'd I go there? Plinky plonky piano and a man in a cravat. I said, oh, yeah. Oh, I lied. He said, oh, how was it? I said, it was awesome. Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, really?

I totally lied. Oh, no, that's terrible. Wow. I know, but I had no option. Did he ask you who was on? No, he started asking a few more questions. So when is it, like, recorded? I just changed the subject very swiftly.

Of all the things to lie about, whether or not you went to Jules Holland's Hootenanny, it's quite down, but it's a relegation zone, isn't it? It really is. I can understand, like, you know, that, no, I've never met that woman before in my life. I think she just, you know, and all that kind of thing. But, no, I, yes, I did go to Jules Holland's Hootenanny.

Oh, well. It's been a big week on the sports front, of course. Yeah. Did you get tickets? You know what? For the Olympics? I didn't. Oh, didn't you?

I didn't go into the Tombola, theola. Is it a tombola? There's some sort of, you don't just get them automatic. You're in some sort of... There's a lottery element, which I think is fair enough. It should be like that. Don't want fat cats snapping them all up. No. No. Exactly, Gareth. Did you go online? No, I didn't. I didn't apply for tickets. Are you at all interested? I'm not at all interested, really. I don't really like the Olympics. You don't really like the Olympics? Sports.

Or sports. If you don't like the Olympics, don't apply for tickets. That's what I always say. But you see, the website crashed because most people are interested, FYI. And I've actually been to the Olympics. I went to Athens. Did you really? Yes.

I was there the original ones. Wow. Where's the Day of the Triffids music? Don't do that anymore. No, you know, we move on. They were naked back in those days. I didn't go to those ones. I went to the more recent ones.

Okay. I wouldn't have had you down as an Olympian. No, but he was lovely. No, I went with a boyfriend of mine. Did you mount Olympus? I went with an ex-boyfriend of mine. He was quite into all things Olympian. Was it Daley Thompson?

No! OK, I can visualise it. I can go out with him now, he's gone a bit funny. I saw a picture of him in Hello and he was at a christening and he had tracksuit bottoms on and bare feet and I thought it was a bit weird. Yeah, well he's not the man he was. He's more Wheatley Thompson.

He's more Thompson Wheatley. I'm looking in for flats. I tell you what I wouldn't mind seeing, seriously. I'll tell you if it's good because I've seen all of the events. I quite fancy the synchronised swimming. Yes. Although, can I be honest? I find swimming overrated.

I've seen Phelps up close. Once they're in, they're in. And that's it. Better to see that on telly. You get the underwater shot. Men's diving. Or if you're in the dining room at Botlin's, you can get the underwater shot. Men's diving. Or if you're in the dining room at Botlin's, you can get the

underwater shot. I mean, if you can let your relatives know which table you're on, they can come right up to the glass. That's something you don't even get on Sky. Now, what I like, though, they seem very noble, the synchronised swimming women. You know what I mean? They have a sort of

haughtiness about them. Whereas the sort of beach volleyball, to me, they look like trollops. Oh, dear. But there's something I really respect, the synchronised swimmers. Do you know what I mean? They really look like impressive people. Is that what you said to one when you met them?

I really respect you. Well, I respect any woman who has her own nose clips that i mean that's such a takes so much of the hassle out of everything i also i like a woman in nose clips i think they're they're very slimming oh yeah around their nose particularly around the nose but generally it just gives them a sort of a... Or placed all over their bodies. I'm not... Hold on, hold on. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, not at all.

He's gone all horse at the Royal Weddings again. But now maybe, you're thinking, make me think now, maybe I should have done something about tickets. But there's always part of me when you're about a year away from the Olympics that still thinks I might possibly be in the shooting myself. Part of me, when you're about a year away from the Olympics, still thinks I might possibly be in the shooting myself.

I always think if you had like a two-month really crash course, you could be in the shooting. Two-month crash course. You don't have to be fit. They're not that good. They have about nine sites on the thing. So it's just, you know, it's like getting a... If I got an Xbox now, I'd be pretty good in two months.

It's a very similar principle. So if I can't get tickets, I'll just... I'll compete. I see you... Sorry, I was going to say, I see Frank as wrestling, comma, freestyle.

That's very much the... If you were going to practice, I think you'd look great. There's a Shirley Crabtree element. Yeah, there isn't, though. Don't they just stay on the mat for ages? Yeah, they're a bit boring with it. Tied up. Now, men's p's pommel horse now you're talking i don't know what a pommel horse is that's very you know very cruel to pommel horse what is those long suede gym things you know when

they swing their they swing their legs they're white white encased legs i don't know what you mean yeah why don't they that's great what whoever thought we're going to do a big gymnastic equipment thing, we'll make it suede. Yeah. Whoever thought, whoever chose suede for that. I love the suede pommel horse. I imagine that for the outdoor pommel horses, some poor soul will be up all night scotch guarding those pommel horses.

And that's going to be a filthy job. So, Frank, I'm sure we've all been enjoying the hot weather however it's not without its hazards for me i'll tell you why i've had two bikini related incidents this week you've blimey two yes frank what i don't know i just didn't like the look on your face no i just that's to have two in one week yeah careless. Really? Well, I was careless. OK. What I'm going to... Well, what I call it, this problem, is bikinis in an urban environment.

I might even sing it. Bikinis in an urban environment. I know it's serious. OK. I can almost smell the ombre solaire as this anecdote begins. So what happened? Urban environment?

What were you, skateboarding? No, I just mean urban to refer to London, an on-beach environment. I like that. You took quite a baggy bikini. That looked quite urban. How dare you? No, the first incident, we had a BBQ at my mum's house. A queue of BB guns.

I was turning the sausages. He's gone crazy on the pond front. Hold him down, someone. No, thanks. I was turning the sausages, as you do. Makes a change. Yeah. And I had my bikini top on.

OK. What, with a skirt or jeans? I think I had a jean short at that point. A jean short? A jean short. I'm happy with that. And so I'm turning the sausages, entire families around, my nieces, my sister, my brother-in-law. Suddenly, the door slams

shut. We'd been locked out. And the oven was on inside. It was very shameless, the whole thing. The oven was on inside? Inside, inside the house, and we'd been locked out. But hold on, if it's a barbecue, surely you're cooking... We're in the front, my mother's got a front garden. Yeah, but the oven wouldn't be being used, would it? Yes, yes, where do you bake your bread?

Where do you have your French loaves? Just a minute, but the whole point of a barbecue is that the cooking is done al fresco. The main cooking was done in the exterior setting. The main cooking at a barbecue? There are levels of cooking? Yes. You could survive for days on that barbecue.

There'll be some French loaf. There were some other things cooking in the oven. Okay, so the oven was... Just accept that's how we do barbecues. Okay. Has this turned into an Argus saga? It has a bit. So the first thing I thought accept that's how we do barbecues. Oh, OK. Has this turned into an Argus saga? It has a bit. So the first thing I thought, everyone's making suggestions,

what can we do, put one of the children through the window. It was a little bit high. What, just enough temper? I mean, the windows were all shut, but... Get it wet first, bit heavier, straight through. I was angry. So then someone suggested, well, look, we're going to have to call a locksmith. And we'll just have to go to the pub.

A pub with two pieces of triangle? That's what I was wearing, by the way. I was carrying Derek Lees. OK, there hadn't been an explosion at the local classical concert. But suddenly, Frank, I felt very exposed because I just thought, oh, we were walking down towards the street and I thought, this looks so wrong. It looked weird.

On the beach, fine. No, I know what you mean. It's a bit odd. Then, incident number two. Sunbathing the other day over at my friend's house. Who should stroll up? I've got my bikini. It's more of a tankini, this number. Tankini? Yeah, tankini. Green metal? No've got my bikini. It's more of a tankini, this number. Tankini? Yeah, a tankini.

Green metal. No. With a turret. A long turret at the front. Do you know, it's got two straps, Frank. It's still a bikini, but it's more a rectangle fabric. Do you know what I mean? A bit more bando, the top.

Do you know what I mean by that? OK. A tank girl. Not really. We'll put some pictures online for listeners. OK, Frank, imagine a cummerbund on like a suit jacket and that was tied round that area. Oh, okay.

With two straps. Yeah. Okay? I can see that. So I had that, but it was, you know, it was revealing. Suddenly I'm sitting there, minding my own business. See, what worries me about this, if you don't mind me saying, before we get into the meat of this,

is that I find that with friends, female friends, it's a bit like the Olympics. You know when you run, say, the 400 metres, it's very important that you keep to your lane. If you don't keep to your lane, you disqualify. And I have got... Women in my life are in various lanes. There's relatives, there's friends, there's like, you know,

and then there's like the sexual lane the love let's call it the love lane and i mean and you are very much in my friend lane i've never entered love lane no but when you um yeah you could still make elderly relative but uh when you start talking about revealing bikinis i think was that a foot that went into love lane no okay i i feel tense novelane has got cones all down it. Actually, even more permanent, I think, there might be. Yeah, I think probably, yeah, I've got some of that. You know that fencing that the students use to charge the police? You know, you think, why do you give that mobile metal fencing

that could be used as a weapon? That's what I've got up around my Lovelane. The door's slammed shut and you've been locked out. Let's put it that way. But I like it. No, it's not locked out. It was choice. There's just some bollards.

But I don't like to think of you in a revealing bikini. I understand. It's a different status altogether. Well, exactly. And it's interesting that you should say that, Frank, because Jimmy Carr, who's also... Oh, Jimmy Carr now is involved. Well, he's... Him and I, Lovelay's closed as well.

Yes. He's in the same... But he then popped round. Does Jimmy Carr do Love Lane? Yes. He's got a lovely girlfriend he's been with for some years. OK. He popped round.

You're sure it's not just his agent? No! I imagine he lives with his agent. No. He's been with his girlfriend for a long time, and she's a lovely girl. But listen, but... Jimmy Carr popped round?

Yes. Was he wearing Speedos? No. OK. He popped round. But I was wearing the Speedos? No. He popped round. But I was wearing the bikini. Oh. And so we sort of had a coffee and I went to make the coffee

and I had the bikini on. And we're not even talking bikini top now. We're talking the whole thing. Complete bikini. No, not the bottom area. Just the top. For someone who doesn't want to go in Love Lane, you're asking a lot of questions.

No, I'm trying to pick. I mean, I wouldn't be troubled about it. I've always thought it's possible Jimmy Carr might be blind. No! You know, some people look blind. Do you know what I mean? If I saw him in the street, I would offer to help him across the road instinctively

if I didn't know who he was. He's got that kind of blindness chic about his face. I don't know if you remember the cricketer Robert Key had a very similar look. Really? So you think he wouldn't have seen? I think it might be revealed in a red top. He's very respectful. He's like you, though.

Well, of course he would be. He can't see you. But it made me think, do you guys... Do you have a dog with him? No. OK. Do you guys find that awkward? So when you come across a bikini in an urban environment, not on the beach. Because on the beach, I think it's fair enough.

It is odd how things change at the beach. It's so OK on the beach? Because on the beach I think it's fair enough. It is odd how things change at the beach. It's so okay on the beach. But I have seen a woman on beach, it's fine, I'm relaxed, it's fine. She goes off to get an ice cream, one foot on the pavement, I'm appalled. Stay on the beach. I mean, okay, take a sarong if you're going to go.

There's no excuse for stoning though, Frank. Well, when in Rome. I think because they are swimsuits aren't they they are strictly swimsuits so I think you have to be quite near water I don't yeah there is something about I mean I went around a friend's house once um what it was I was about I sounds about 15 and I decided to do something about my physique and he said look I've got weight training equipment. Why don't you come round? It's in the garage. So I said, OK.

I said, what about Tuesday night? He said, well, I'll be out, but that's OK. You know, someone will let you in. So I thought, fine, I'll go and pompire. So I turned up and now his mom... Oh, my goodness. She was the mom... This story has got the start of one of those stories.

No, but it hasn't, because my life has just been several starts to those stories. And then, hold on, there's a page missing. So I went round, and she was the mum we all fancied at school. She was nothing like a mum. She had a sort of Diana Dawes element to her. I don't mean she was part of the criminal fraternity, but she was, you know, boxy and sexy.

Anyway, she opened the door and she had jeans on and she had an orange toweling bikini top. Well, I don't want to play into the cliché. Pardon? String? No, it had the proper... Are you thinking... It didn't have spaghetti straps no but was it a sort of was it the triangle angular shape it was it was traditional okay um

but i honestly i it was as i say it's a cliche the uh the mrs robinson thing but oh my god i i couldn't i couldn't pompion i couldn couldn't move. I honestly felt ill. It was like I saw the bikini top, I got the flu. Oh, is that what they call it? I felt sick. I felt uneasy in myself. I just couldn't. I was so bowled over by it.

I mean, I realised then that the priesthood was a pipe dream for me. And it was a massive moment in my life and i you know she said oh uh garage just go through to the garage and i said thanks very much and that was it but it changed my life oh thanks orange towelling i imagined myself getting really sweaty while i was doing it and then she would come and mop my brow with the orange towel and bikini top. It didn't happen. Also, I hurt my shoulder doing a grab. Did you?

Yeah, she slapped my face pretty hard, I can tell you. So I agree with you. There's something about the bikini, on the beach okay, off the beach just. It moves into indecent. What about you, Gareth? Yeah, I'm uncomfortable on the beach. You're uncomfortable. Yeah, it's true. I'm not happy on the beach just. It moves into indecent. What about you, Gareth? Yeah, I'm uncomfortable on the beach. You're uncomfortable. Yeah, it's true.

I'm not happy on the beach. You've got quite a... I don't know what your physique's like. What were you going to say? What kind of body were you going to say? I was going to say, have you not got quite a good body? I've got, I mean, I look like Bapu. You know, which is what the Indians call Gandhi. Gandhiji. I've heard people shout out as I walk out.

I tend to somebody in a large white nappy. And small national health spectacles. I don't know why. It's just always seemed right to me. But no, I've got a terrible, scrawny... No, you haven't. No, I have, really. I'll show you, if you like.

Look, hold on a minute. Oh, Frank! You see, it's not good. And so, yeah, I don't like to... And I got it into my head that the way forward was a thong. Oh, really? Because I thought, you know, you want everything as much done as you can get at within decency.

And I remember I played in a cricket match and I was... When the boys in the dressing room saw my thong mark, I got, I mean, terrible stick from them. Like I was some sort of, you know, string fellow character. Well, I suppose, in a way, I was, because I was a string fellow very literally. Yourself?

What do I wear at the beach? i am just some shorts and i i really don't like getting undressed i'd maybe wear swimming trunks on the beach but um no i'm not comfortable with nudity no or even semi-nudity yeah no sorry it's all right for you. You're obviously a very confident person, Emily, if you know what I'm saying. We keep sheltered. I'll wear a Muslim trouser sometimes if it's hot. You know, the ones with a very, very baggy crutch and tight at the ankle? I bought some when I was in Turkey. I bought them for my girlfriend. She wouldn't wear them, so I wear them.

And, oh, God, they let the air circulate. Well, that's nice. Did you ever have... We had a you ever have, we had a towel. Yeah, we had a towel. Don't think because I grew up in Birmingham in the 70s that we didn't have a towel. I know what you're thinking. What would you have used it for? Well, come on.

No, I mean, I think it was my dad's and it was passed down. It was a towel that was sewn up. You inherited a towel? Yes. It was sewn up into a tube and then had elastication around one end so you could put it on sewn into a tube yeah someone sat there and sewed a towel but remember they were all preachers in their family so i imagine they were making vestments around the clock it was a bit like a vestment but with no i don't understand what it

what it did okay so and you put it like and at one end it was elasticated so you could put it over your head and then get changed oh that must have looked nice it was it was a it was a towel cubicle yes horrors i like that i think that's uh that's a splendid idea a towel cubicle i wish it had a name of some kind, because it would have been great on Call My Bluff. So, a tulledry. Is it a towel cubicle? Is it a Bolivian sheep flute? Yes.

Oh, dear. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh dear.