The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Celebrity School Visit

Episode Date: October 22, 2011

Frank got an early taste of Christmas this week, Alun's had some odd hotel experiences of late and Emily gets the team talking about celebrity school visits.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

and I'm with Emily Dean, I'm with Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8-12-15 about anything. I mean anything. It could be the birth of the steam age, as far as I'm concerned. I just like to hear from people because otherwise it can be a desolate and lonely job, that's what I think. What do you think guys? That's a lovely cheery beginning to the show Yeah but people they want light and dark

It's nice that you've got co-presenters and you still think it's a desolate and lonely job You know a lot of people do this on their own Yeah they do yeah but I always still feel they don't do it that well I like a bit of dialogue on air do you know what I mean? Otherwise, I don't like this

talking direct. It seems wrong. I think I feel like I need to go through some sort of interpreter. Oh, right. Anyway, I'm throwing the radio manual out the window. You're supposed to speak just directly to the listener all the time. Hello! All right, am ya?

I presume they're very old. How's the jam? So, um... Oh, I'll tell you something. I'm feeling proper Christmassy. Oh, are you, Frank? Ooh! E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.

Yeah, I'll tell you why. I, um... I did the BBC One Christmas advert this week. You did it. Oh! You're in the taste of Christmas. It was lovely. I think this year it's...

I don't know if I'm allowed to give this away, but anyway, it's consider yourself part of the family is the theme. As if we're all one big family. Do you know, that's very up your strass, Frank. I can see you. Yes, I am. Because I'm... Yeah, exactly.

I think the idea is that we're going to share out the licence money right across the nation to help people with heating. Oh, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? But, oh, it was, I think Mrs Brown was in it. Frank, that's one of your, that's like meeting the Dalai Lama for some Tibetan Buddhists. Well, it is. You're meeting Mrs Brown.

Yeah, I talked about some of his previous lives. I wish he was worshipped by the Buddhdhist i think they missed the trick there the buddhist or mrs brown yeah but but yeah in the advert he sits on my lap for the for the duration i say he i should say he she yeah i was just about to say oh yeah no we got on like a oh man we got on like a irish pub on fire it was uh it was a case of me and Mrs Brown, we got a thing going on. Wouldn't that be the best tabloid story ever, if there was a thing going on between me and Mrs Brown?

I'd be so happy about that. He's a super brain, though, isn't he? Isn't he one of those brainiacs? Oh, is he? Is he? One of those brainiacs. Obviously he was in character for the whole day. Oh, was he? Oh, good. He's very method, is he? Is he? One of those brainiacs. Obviously he was in character for the whole day. Oh, was he?

Oh, good. He's very method, is he? Oh, he's a terribly serious actor, yeah. Who else did you meet then? Kevin Bridges was there. I like Kevin. I tell you, me and Kevin Bridges, we both had Christmas jumpers on. I had red with Christmas pudding on it.

I mean, knitted Christmas pudding, not just Christmas pudding on it. And I think he had snowflakes. And we had to take our picture take on eating mince pies, and we'd had the Christmas... And there was a sofa to relax on, and we both just sat on the sofa with our legs stretched out, not speaking. That's how Christmassy we'd gone.

In the middle of October. It was just... That lovely Christmas glowyowy it was refreshing did they give you a bit of dinner to help that a lot just just mince pies really um sadness in the middle of january when i when i eat the final mince pie that's left because i always over buy mince pies oh yeah you can't over buy mince pies they sell them all year though that's the way it is today yeah i think so well they sell turkey over here apparently oh yeah they sell presents Oh, yeah. You can't overbuy mince pies. They sell them all year, though, don't they? That's the weird thing. Do they? Yeah, I think so.

Well, they sell turkey all year, apparently. Oh, yeah. They sell presents all year as well. Presents? Really? That's amazing. Is that a hint? Is it Emily's birthday coming up? I've never owned a Christmas... I don't buy Christmas clothing, no. I don't have wardrobe space for something you can only wear once a year. You know what I'm talking about? I don't buy Christmas clothing, no. I don't have wardrobe space for something you can only wear once a year.

You know what I'm talking about? I don't buy Christmas clothing. Like you'd have an entirely separate section of your wardrobe. I have a separate bank account for Christmas clothing. Socks, jumpers. I thought you had a separate bank account for Christmas. I was thinking, very conscientious, put something aside for the Christmas presents. No, I don't buy Christmas presents, so it's quite straightforward.

Really? No, I tell you what, I had some Christmas socks that someone bought me, and I remember realising about December the 30th I hadn't worn them that year. I was absolutely gutted. You really don't want to miss that window. No. Because it's once a year. Yeah. So after that, I had to get rid of them. They were burning a hole in my sock drawer. And I ate it when that happened. Oh, and I was with the...

It was me, Kevin Bridges, Mrs Brown, and the kids from Outnumbered, as they're known. Oh, they're quite nice children. They are nice children, yeah. At the end of it, they stood in an orderly line and then um they shook hands with each of us and said thank you it's very nice working with you thank you it's very nice working lovely yeah that is nice and i watched him go across the car park and um they uh they got into a small uh spaceship Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner.

Frank, we've had a query in from Craig on 601. Did he text us on 8-12-15? He might well have done. That's tremendous news. Frank, my boxer dog is peeking at me from behind the kitchen door. What do you think is wrong with him? You're some sort of dog whisperer these days. Yeah, that's not a

sort of, I want to get to the toilet, you for business. When he's done something wrong, there's clearly that. I would check, I would watch where you're stepping, let's put it that way. Or there could be puppies. How about that lovely basket of puppies when you get round the corner? Oh, that would be nice. Oh, fabulous.

Oh, I was told never to talk to people with a basket of puppies. Oh, hang on. It's a hymn. Surely if it's a hymn, there's not going to be a surprise basket of puppies. Perhaps he's moved the female one in. Could be some mongrel. He's spent all night forcing through the cat flap. Maybe.

He's took butter from the bridge. From the fridge, rather. From the bridge. Might be a bridge. And he's lubed her up and and dragged her in through the uh cat flap okay that's weird i hope that helps craig check the floor craig that's my advice always check the floor yeah frank i found myself feeling rather envious of school children this week oh you is it their youth? The first certificate, perhaps.

The iPad. No, there is that, but as well, in addition to that... She hankers for knits. How dare you? That was a rumour about me. No, it's because they've been on the receiving end of a visit from the Fonz,

who, as you know, is my childhood hero. Oh, well, the Fonz. In case you don't know, the Fonz of a visit from the Fonz, who, as you know, is my childhood hero. Oh, well, the Fonz. Fonzarelli. In case you don't know, the Fonz was a character from a popular TV series in the 1980s. 80s. Yeah. But that's what's a bit strange.

He's known for his coolness because he was a 35-year-old man who hung around with school people in a toilet. And his office was a toilet. Yeah. But what's... That constituted cool in the 80s. And that programme kicked off the phrase, jump the shark,

didn't it? I don't know. I've never heard that phrase in my life. Is it rude? No, it just means something sort of... Famously, Happy Days had an episode in it where the Fonz jumped over a shark and that's where

people started going, this series is over, it's unbelievable, it's silly now. Oh it means that someone's on the way out. It's like when Friends came to London, that's the point at which it jumped the shark. Yeah. It's like when the Sex Pistols got Ronnie Biggs as lead singer.

Is that when they jumped the shark? Yeah, that's when they jumped the shark. I'm going to use that phrase from that one. Jumping the shark from the Fonz. Anyway. I just wonder if when we had that minute talking about jumping the shark, if that was the moment this show jumped the shark. I wonder, yeah.

God, that would be ironic, wouldn't it? It's also hard to know when the Jaws franchise jumped the shark, isn't it? I think Jaws 2, probably. Yeah. That's how quick they jumped the shark. I've taken again 431, I'm afraid. Oh. And that's because he's texted in and said,

we know who the Fonz was. Oh, I don't like it. Well, you know, we don't all know 431. I'm just trying to spread the word here. I know you knew. Obviously you knew. I wasn't aiming it at you on this occasion. Anyway, the Fonz

has actually been going round schools. One in Swindon, notably. Has he? Is he still hanging around schools, the Fonz? He must be 60 now. Why doesn't he get some grown up friends? It's a dyslexia awareness campaign, Frank. I did think, are the children going to think,

who's this strange man with grey hair and a black leather jacket? Well, that's why, because I've had things, and people have said, look, I went... Remember my famous Tony Blair argument at Number 10 Downing Street? That was a thing with loads of kids. And we had to go in, and me and David Baddiel had to go and talk to these children. They had no idea at all who we were.

It's really, there's nothing worse for a celebrity than people just looking you straight in the face and saying, who are you? It's like, I'd rather be it with an axe. But why did you see the cover of The Mirror today? It says, it's got Simon Cowell, and and it says i'll axe you all yeah and it's about his threat to the judges i was really hoping he'd gone mad like in a top shop in gilford gone on the rampage he's definitely got it in him definitely so yeah so he's been so it's a sort of celebrity school visit but i was worried that the children might be a bit disappointed because we had rather fine visits in my

day, in my school. Who did you get? We had Kenneth Williams. Fine mate, that's a coup. We had Yehudi Menuhin. Really? Did he play? He did briefly, although I can remember as a child seeing him on one of those reduced, a little reduced steam train and I thought oh no

it's, for a man, a musician of his stature, he's really let himself down there. He's on a little steam train. i thought oh no it's for a man of a musician of his stature he's he's really let himself down there he's on a little steam train so he traveled generally yeah and the horn went you heard it you heard it it was really unique he had the darkest bags under his eyes of any human being i've ever seen yeah oh well do you remember you remember? He had really dark... Did you see him on many mornings? Not just... That's what he was like. There were proper black bags on the resize.

Sort of Alice Cooper style. Really? So who did you guys have? Well, I remember, not really a celebrity, but in West Yorkshire, it was a celebrity statue. We had the wellyphant. Do you know the wellyphant? A fire safety elephant

let me guess, did he put fires out with the aid of his trunk? I believe so that would have been a trick miss if he hadn't done that the inventors would have been sitting there two years ago and one of them would have gone oh god what we should have done with the wellyphant

is to get him to put fires oh man, I can't believe we didn't think of that. Too late now, I suppose. And he told us that if you waved at firemen on their engine, that they'd always wave back. Is that true? It's not proved to be true so far. I still always give them a wave, but it seems like their mind is elsewhere.

I think he's seen too many gay stag movies. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. We were discussing the Fonz. Well, we were discussing people who, celebrities who visit schools. I can't believe Kenneth Williams went to your school. We had, well, they were so minor. They were minor even in our area.

Who did you have? We had, I don't think he's even as big as Wellyphant. We had Wesley Perrins, the black country preacher, who I got into, in the Q&A, got into a tussle with one of the kids about whether West Bromwich came under the black country or not. You know the area called the black country? It became a boundaries issue. Yeah, exactly. A boundaries issue with Wesley Perrins, the black country, or not. You know the area called the black country? It became a boundaries issue. Yeah, exactly.

A boundaries issue with Wesley Perrins, the black country. And he said, I don't know if you'll be able to understand this, but he said, Now, some people say as West Bramwich is in the black country, but you'll mark more words. Eat high! I remember it. It's a terrifying man.

The child was trembling. Itai! Which, in other words, some people say West Bromwich is in the black country, but you mark my words, it isn't. Oh. And it isn't. Itai! Well, Kenneth Williams didn't sound dissimilar to that.

No, he could probably do a good... If you'd ever met Wesley, he could have done a good... We had some text about Happy Days, didn't we, by the way? Well, we have, yeah. Paul in Southend says Happy Days was 1970s. Thanks for that, Paul. Really grateful for that. No, no, I love it when they send in information. Don't put them off. Frank, I'm just saying it dates me somewhat. That's why I'm not happy with it. Do you know that they're in dispute? They're in industrial dispute, the cast

of Happy Days, at the moment. Are they? They're in court. Being led by Ralph Mouth. Do you remember the ginger one? Oh, yeah. Is he Don Most or something like that? Yeah, Ralph Mouth. Yeah, Ralph Mouth has marched them into court. He's always a ringleader, wasn't he, Mouth?

What's it about? Poor old Potsy's been dragged along not really knowing what's going on. It's not a payleader, wasn't he, mate? What's it about? Poor old Potsy's been dragged along, not really knowing what's going on. It's not a pay issue, is it? Yeah, they're saying that they didn't get royalties for merchandise that's been sold. I hate it. To make happy days, that's squalid. Yeah, unhappy days is the headline there. You can imagine Al sitting in the dock going,

Ah, yup, yup, yup. Oh, no, it's upsetting when that happens. I've just remembered another celebrity school visit that we had. What did you have? We had the green cross-code man. Dave Prowse? Who is also, I believe, the body of Darth Vader. Yeah, well, he thought he was Darth Vader.

Yeah. Apparently he actually got as far as watching the film. And when the head come off, he was saying to the family here we go here we go edge coming off now who comes way it's coming off get ready here we go and it was a different actor altogether it was the elephant under there imagine that the horror of that poor poor dave i've worked with dave price very big with them all haven't you with them all right't we had the bishop of dudley come to when i worked in college he came one of my doesn't hang on we are celebs from school they're a preacher and a bishop yes i don't know what that was that was the only celebs we had in the west midlands at

the time of course this was during the reformation course. Yeah. I remember he came and they said to one lecturer, they said, you've got to come to the assembly thing because it's the Bishop of Dudley. And he said, I don't want to come. He said, you've got to come. It's the Bishop. And he said, how many divisions has the Bishop of Dudley? Which only I laughed at.

It was something that Stalin said about the Pope when someone said the Pope will be upset he said there are many divisions as the Pope to use that about the Bishop of Dudley was the best thing ever and you knew that as a school boy no no I worked there we only had one visitor at school

that was Wesley Perrins anyway so he came the Bishop of Dudley and he did like his speech and oh man it, he had his theme. So he said, I got up this morning and I had a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. Richard III. And he said, and I looked and I thought, in many ways, we are all like that hard-boiled egg.

Our exterior is hard and brittle, but inside, we are quite soft. And then he... That was his thing. Then he said he went down the road and he saw this cat and he went to stroke it and it scratched him. And he said, in many ways, we're all like that cat. He did about nine of things that we were like, which we weren't actually that like. He really killed some flowers

he saw. I saw some daffodils. And in many ways, oh, stop it now. Why can't you just talk about us instead of stuff that we're like? Anyway, we'd love to know who you had visiting your school, because I I've just got rubbish people. I've always had rubbish people. When I got my

degree, the certificate was presented to me by the head of the gas board. I mean, come on. So Richard Attenborough, just saying. My best ever celebrity. There's a Birmingham website and they had a feature on there of celebrities you've spotted in and around Birmingham. So of course I looked to see if they included me. Not a whisper.

But someone said Noel Gordon. Now, Noel Gordon used to star in Crossroads. Meg Mortimer. And he said, I saw Noel Gordon in Birmingham. And I thought, well, that's fair enough. She was a big star in her day. And he said, when I say saw her, I didn't actually see her.

She was in a coffin. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we were talking earlier about which celebrities came to visit our schools. We've established I had Yehudi Menuhin, Kenneth Williams and former Arsenal manager Terry Neal. What? Yeah, you two had... Oh, you had Terry Neal?

Yeah, we had him. You two had some strange characters. I don't think you mentioned Terry Neal. What? Yeah, you two had... Oh, you had Terry Neal? Yeah, we had him. You two had some strange characters. I don't think you mentioned Terry Neal. I did. No, you didn't mention that. I was in Africa with Terry Neal. Oh, were you? I remember there was a sandstorm.

You've worked with them all. Yeah. So it was a sandstorm, and Terry Neal disappeared and came back in complete, in complete white Arab robes, like Lawrence of Arabia. We didn't even know who he was, just this man. He peered through the orange dust, because we were all sheltering inside,

and this figure, like a ghost, walked down. And you thought, God, which cosmic character will this be? It was former Arsenal doctor Terry Neal. We've had our lovely listeners have been texting in They've had all sorts of people They've been around, they've got plenty here haven't they Well someone here, 211, we had Douglas Bader visit us at school Whoa

The headmaster was showing him around the school and was struggling to get Can I say, Douglas Bader was a World War II fighter pilot Who got shot down It's a film called Reach for the Sky when he's played by Kenneth Moore. And he was known as Old Tin Legs because they put metal legs on him and he continued going. He's a national hero. As he got older, obviously, what with incontinence, he rusted somewhat.

But, no, he was brilliant. According to 2-1-1, he still had his wits about him. I bet. Because he said the headmaster was showing him around the school and was struggling to get a door open. Sir Douglas stood out of his wheelchair, grabbed the door handle, said, I escaped from two German prisoner of war camps, and opened the door.

Oh, he was a braggart. No-one's denoting that. How brilliant. Oh, and just in, Mick in Reading, sounding somewhat bitter, we had Roald Dahl at our school, but we could only meet him if we bought one of his rubbish books. I think his books are quite good, but I imagine that it... That's not really a school visit, that's a signing, isn't it?

Yeah. Roald Dahl was an early adopter of commercial enterprise autographing, wasn't he? He was. Wanted to go to a school and make the kids buy a book. Now, I have to say, Frank, Dave Prowse seems to have been putting himself about rather a bit. Well, he was the Green Cross man. He's going to do schoolwork.

Well, although this is getting ridiculous. I'd like to have seen a big fist fight between him and Tofty Fluffytail to see who's got the best road safety. Go on, carry on. Donna in Epsom. Morning, Frank. We had Dave Prowse come to our school,

as well as the Green Cross code man, and I got to sit on his knee. As well as the Green Cross code man? No, she meant I gave the wrong emphasis there. She meant as well. OK. Oh, I see. As well as Alan.

Yeah. She sat on his knee? She sat on his knee, yeah. OK. A little bit weird. Hi, Frank. We also had Dave Prowse, but we also had Harry Worth. That's wrong.

Oh, what? How come we had Wesley Perrins of that country preacher and people had Harry Worth? I'm going to explain again. Harry Worth was a very famous British comedian whose show had the theme tune... HE SINGS And he used to stand and reflect in himself in a shop window

and he'd raise his one arm and leg and it looked like he was doing a fabulous flying X in the sky. Absolutely magnificent. If he'd come to our school, I would have... I think I'd have burnt the whole place down with him in it in sheer excitement. 957 Ainsley Harriot. Ainsley Harriot came? Yeah. 957 Ainsley Har. Ainsley Harriet came? Yeah.

957 Ainsley Harriet sounds like some terrible tombola. When you're winning a night out. That's not a dig, by the way, at the prize that we're giving away on Absolute Radio, when you can go to Hong Kong to see the actual locations that the new Johnny English movie was filmed in.

Is that right? Yeah. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! Franker 674, as Emily mentioned Harry Worth, I found myself standing in the doorway lifting my arms and leg, laughing like a James Bond villain.

See, people still remember how he were. If you like James Bond and spoofs on it, maybe you'd like to go and see some of the locations at the new Johnny... What else have we got? How would I visit those locations? Well, that's another competition on Absolute Radio. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what I'd like to talk about. Imagine people going, Oh, God, that's's the I recognise that door from the second Johnny go on I'd like to talk about the wife of the speaker frankly I'm disgusted oh steady

no I am well I know you're a big fan of the speaker's work well yeah well you know it was the previous speaker I loved oh I'm sorry Frank you have met this speaker, though. I have met him, yeah. Well, she's bringing shame on the speaker. Most of the stuff I said went straight over his head.

To be honest. Is she bringing shame to the speaker? Is she a bit out of order? I think she might be a bit out of order. Well, the Daily Mail described it as fresh torture for the speaker. Fresh torture. I love a bit... I hate stale torture. Yeah, yeah.

You're not going to put me on the rack again. That's three days on board with the rack. I don't mind best before torture. Yeah, that's all right, yeah. No, it's Sally Burkow. Display until torture. I'm all right with it. We're going Burkow Sally Burkow. Display on till, torture. I'm all right with.

We're going Burkow or Burkow. I think you're deliberately trying to say cow about her. I think I might be. Oh, no. Don't like that. She's bringing the office into disrepute. That's sly. Firstly, she posed with an old sheet by Big Ben.

I know you do that every night, but that's between you and Kath. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that one. Yes, that one. And then she went on Celebrity Big Brother. She said she gave the money to charity. She said? No, I think she did. She did give.

You can't say that. She gave the money to charity. She gave a proportion of the money, Frank. Anyway. I'm trying to defend this woman. Then, now, she's just said she's doing a reality show with the man from Big Fat Gypsy Wedding they're moving in together

when Paddy met Sally she's moving in now can I say that is a programme that's been commissioned just because there's a pun in the title it is there's so many shows that wouldn't be on air if it wasn't for that they should have got Harry Worth

Winton Wonderland. Being a very good example. Paddy said we got on Diamond in the Big Brother house. Paddy, he's the gypsy wedding man, isn't he? And he won the last Big Brother. I think he's a

brawler, isn't he? Bare Knuckle Fighter. Not a brawler, Bare Knuckle Fighter. Oh, Iwler Not a brawler, a bare knuckle fighter Oh, I stand corrected No, but lot God, don't Please don't alienate Paddy from Big Breakfast I have a feeling I've been on the same train as him

Been on the same train I have a feeling I have I mean, I didn't see my big fat gypsy wedding, the programme But, you know, you see his picture in the paper now and again I'm pretty sure I've been on the train with him It's a weird thing to think about someone, isn't it? But I'm fairly sure. I wouldn't have thought he was a train man.

No, you'd think. He'd be more horse and cart. Well, I hope so. All the old ways are dying out. Yeah. Where have they got to go? So he's going to live with Sally... They're going to live together as part of this, yeah. It's a reality show. And I think no good can come of it. Well, I'll tell you what. If there was a story guaranteed to annoy the daily mail it is one with a gypsy and

this woman that's bringing shame on the speaker in it together isn't it i mean like their website must have exploded this week yeah but what what people are acknowledging here is that people like sally burko are the absolute the gold of reality TV shows. You need excruciating people. If you're watching a reality TV show and not wincing with agony at points, there's no point in it. I mean, for me, like on X Factor, it's when they have the urban moments. When somebody starts rapping inappropriately, you know what I mean?

You think, oh God, I sense this person's ever rapped before, but Simon said to him, I like it because it'll be very current. Oh, I think, no, don't try and go street. It's the X Factor, you know what I mean? Keep it light. I haven't watched this, but do you watch that and think, he's no John Barnes?

He was a good rapper, wasn't he? I think, please don't go a bit urban on X Factor. And also, they're talking as if rap is just coming out. It's the new thing on the... I think it could go big, rap. I don't wish to be unkind now, because I'll leave that mainly to Emily, but I used to think she was something of a statuesque beauty,

Sally Burkhart, and it looks like all this stuff, it hasn't had a good effect on her. She doesn't look as nice as she used to. Yeah, I've travelled the same journey, especially when she first was sort of, she was a bit candid about previous lovers, and I thought, oh, good on you, you know, fair play. Be honest, why not?

And now I think, oh, I've perhaps been hoodwinked. Too candid. You're a bit of an attention seeker. Yeah, but that doesn't explain... With a cold black heart. It doesn't explain why she's less attractive than she used to be. Do you think it's actually reflecting the cold black heart? It's affecting her psychogenic qualities.

I'm not saying she's ugly. She's sort of, I suppose in the context of her husband being a speaker, she's sort of a subwoofer. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. We've had all sorts of texting in this morning, Frank. We've been talking about celebrity visits to schools. It's become a hot topic. There's a lot of Chris Akabusi action.

Is there? And I haven't had an opportunity to say that in many years. It's become a hot topic. There's a lot of Chris Akabusi action. Is there? And I haven't had an opportunity to say that in many years. No, he could probably do six or seven in a day once he got his steam up. When he's got his spikes on. Yeah, exactly. Lauren. Hi, Frank, Emily and Cockrell.

We had Chris Akabusi come to our school to open the tennis courts and Peter Andre came to sing as well. Chris Akabusi is something of a misbooking to open the tennis courts, isn't he? What a sport. Yeah, I suppose. Robert says, Chris Akabusi came to my school. He made a few of the younger children cry when he laughed. He did have quite a loud laugh, didn't he? I like the idea of that, though.

I love it when children are startled by loud noises. I went to a... I don't normally go to bonfire parties because of grudges that go back hundreds of years, but I went to one, and all these kids are going, hurrah, hurrah, and there was a really loud banger went off, and it went... And then there was, like, a pause, I'd say,

it went... And about 30 kids all crying. Exciting, exciting, exciting, frightening. That was the base, the arc. There's another good one, wasn't there? Where's the Rolf Harris one? Oh, yeah. Oh, there. Brilliant.

Glenn from Somerset. Rolf Harris came to our school and did one of his massive murals when I was a kid. Two weeks later, I found the picture torn into bits in the bin at the back of the school. That's such a school thing. The mysterious destruction of something. Like when someone put

dry ice in the goldfish pond at our school. Did they? I mean, what a way to go. Cruel, but dramatic. Yeah. That was terrible. Also had had now this is a good booking anna from bridge north hi frank we had buzz aldrin at our school how good was that second man on the moon that is i bet that winds we had i interviewed buzz aldrin once and we had him and his wife we flew him over from america to this chat show and we thought americans they love a

bit of history so we put them in this, like a Tudor house hotel. We thought they'd absolutely love this. So the next day, Mrs. Aldrin, Omar Aldrin, was on the phone and she said, this hotel you've put us in, it's awful. You know, the floor, when you walk, it kind of creaks. Oh, no. And I could hear Boz, you know, it kind of creaks. Oh, no.

And I could hear Boz, you know, Boz was in the background, sort of saying, you know, you never get this with zero gravity. Shut up, Boz, I've had it 30 years ago. No, but with zero gravity. Yes, I know, you were on the moon. It was, oh. Poor old Boz. I think he's sitting down to a nice hotel dinner going,

when it's dried, we just put water in it. Oh, no, exactly. Boz! Let it go! I understand her agony, though, because I'm on tour currently, and I've been staying... Oh, you really? I've been staying in quite a few hotels. You are two a day at Survival on your website.

Oh, I think they might be, yeah. But I've been staying in hotels, and some of them are quite frustrating. I find it a bit annoying when the layout is wrong and when there's ambient light, I get annoyed by ambient light. You like ambient light? I don't like ambient light. And I was in one where, you know, there's a light inside the cupboard.

I love ambient light. Do you? It's one of my favourite things. I don't like light full stop in a hotel room. I like to put my head between two pillows in the pillow sandwich, as I've discussed before. I'll go anywhere for ambient light. I'd say I'm an ambience chaser.

Very good, very good. But I was in one the other day, and, you know, there's a light within the cupboard, and when you shut the doors, the wardrobe light goes back off. Do you know that for certain? The wardrobe light wouldn't go back off, so the doors, the wardrobe light goes back off. Do you know that for certain? The wardrobe light wouldn't go back off, so the doors were glowing. There was a glow in the middle.

Oh, I've had that. It was only like four feet from my bed, so I got up and took the bulb out. I had to take the bulb... I never do any DIY in my own home. No, but that's quite bold, taking that out. I stayed in a place for 12 hours and I took the bulb out. If I did that, I'd have to put the bulb back in before I left.

I wouldn't be able to leave it there. I didn't. What if the cleaner leaned on it? Well, whatever. Well, that's a nice attitude. Just because they're menials, it doesn't matter if they bleed to death. No, I don't think they would have bled to death. Well, this is like the head of the IMF.

And last week I stayed in a hotel that was called My Hotel, which is annoying if you can't find it. It's like my mum's coma. But it is annoying. I couldn't find it, and I wanted to ask people for directions, but I didn't want to go up to somebody and say, excuse me, do you know where My Hotel is? And that would sound like you're mad.

Well, what is your hotel? Yeah, exactly. So I had to just fathom it. It was really annoying. That is a problem. Absolute Radio with Frank skinner i am i stayed at a hotel actually it wasn't actually a hotel it was remember i said a few weeks ago i think that the first date i had with my girlfriend was actually a holiday oh yeah i just said you want

to go on holiday um well we said we hired this place this this sort of country cottage place in the Lake District. And when we got there, in what I would call the master bedroom. Can you still say that? Oh, no, you can't. Oh, yeah. Shouldn't it be the mistress bedroom as well? The mistress bedroom is a bit somewhere else, isn't it? Depends who you are, darling.

Depends what sort of holiday it was. Yeah, exactly. No, anyway, the bed was there, and in the middle of the room was the toilet. Oh. I mean, in the middle... They must have moved. They must have knocked one into the other.

In the middle of the room. And what they'd done is they'd put a Japanese lacquered screen around it as if that would make it all right. Yeah. Yeah, this is exactly the problem. Now, obviously, we weren't sleeping in the same room, Put a Japanese lacquered screen around it as if that would make it all right. Yeah. Yeah. This is exactly the problem. Now, obviously, we weren't sleeping in the same room, so it wasn't a problem. What?

No, it was, you know, it was our first date, bear in mind. Oh, I see. I still don't understand. Anyway. Oh, and then we went to Mexico once, me and my girlfriend, and I got sick on the plane. I mean, really sick. I wasn't actually sick on the plane, but I knew I was going to be sick.

One of those, the car to the hotel, I'm really gripping the armrests. One of those. And I still stopped, I remember, at reception to have an argument about the price of the room. Even though I knew I could be sick at any moment. I won't tolerate that. But we got into the room and they had, like, really loud house music.

Real thumping. And I was really being sick. And I was going, turn the music off. The music was making me feel worse. And Kath couldn't find the way of turning the music off. And she found something that made it louder. Oh, man. It was one of those occasions when things literally went a bit Pete Tong.

It still makes me feel terrible just thinking about it. I'm glad you mentioned that toilet, because that was another problem that I had only this week. It's when they go trendy. The layout of the hotel room I was in had a toilet in a separate room from the bath and shower and sink. That's all right. Well, it is all right, yeah.

Well, it is all right, but it was miles away. Not miles, obviously, it wasn't a suite or anything, but it was, I counted, it was eight steps. So you've got to use the bathroom, you've got to use the toilet. I'm glad you counted. Two corners, two corners. And I'm not a hygiene freak, but whilst I was walking, there was long enough time to feel germy

before you even get to another room to wash your hands. It's too far away. Yeah, and the other thing is, I find that those hotel slippers are not very good for cornering. No. You know what I mean? You can't get purchased, Frank. I mean, that adds another half a second.

I don't know if they're radials they've got on them, but you could go straight over on a tight corner. Imagine that. You'd get blood on your robe. And it adds a vial in board in the toilet. on them but they're uh you could go over you could go straight over on a tight corner imagine that you get blood on your robe and it adds an ironing board in the toilet why is it in there in the toilet why is the ironing board oh i don't know you know but if you've ever dropped uh toilet paper down the toilet and it goes horribly crinkly oh it'd be quite nice ironing board in the toilet i was i said it could be luxurious couldn't it and they had in the child. I was at Disneyland Paris once. That could be luxurious, couldn't it? And they had, in the child's bedroom, they had a Mickey Mouse ashtray,

which I thought was very French. I swear that's true. That's Euro Disney, that was that. Disneyland Paris, yeah. Yeah, that's put an idea in my head, Daddy, because couldn't there be any more pleasant sensation than using freshly ironed toilet paper

still warm that would be nice perhaps a small microwave in the toilet lovely cosy you wouldn't want to let it go Frank we've had a text in 437 that last fall tune was Mark singing Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

Frank, we've had a text in 437. That last fall tune was Mark singing My Dog Will Never Be Oprah. Clarification appreciated. Because it's not out of the question that Mark Eastsmith would have a lyric that said My Dog Will Never Be Oprah. Some forlorn... Perhaps one of those people like you get on

Britain's Got Talent when the dog dances. And you just wonder what goes on in their private lives but no, my door will always be open I think and then it's my door will never be open he messes about with it a bit I think yes

but let's face it, his dog never will be open none of our dogs will we can near enough categorically say that I'm prepared to stick my neck out on this one. Frank, there's been a bit of an incident in Australia this week. What? What again? Well, the Queen has been there.

An MP basically caused a bit of an etiquette breach. She refused... Oh, wasn't it the President or whatever? Oh, yes, Prime Minister, I'm sorry. Prime Minister. Julia Gillard, I believe the name is. Born in Wales. Yeah. the president or whatever oh yes prime minister i'm sorry prime minister um julia gillard i believe the name is born in wales yeah oh i like that you have all the biographical information well she wouldn't curtsy to the queen she said it's just not me

that's what she said well i think i can I can sort of hide his knee. No. That's fine. Also, what do you mean it's just not me? I mean, it's not a character trait, curtsy. No, you're right. I'm not much of a curtsier. Oh, she's such a curtsier. Who is that? Do you think JM Curtsier's wife says that?

I'm not much of a curtsier. What do you mean by that? No, I just said, no, what do you mean? What are you getting at? I can imagine that going on in a curtsier. What do you mean by that? No, I just said, no, what do you mean? What are you getting at? I can imagine that going on in the curtsier household. South African Literature Week on Absolute Radio. There isn't enough. Can I say, by the way, I just saw an advert on the television

and it was Sting's new album, Greatest Hits. Greatest Hits, always a worry when the Greatest Hits come out. And the album is in standing in a lake with no shirt on playing the guitar i'm expecting a shark to go past which he jumps at any point sorry the queen yeah did you see when they introduced the basketball the female basketball um player oh oh no i didn't see It was like an old-fashioned Victorian freak show, honestly. You know, in the old days, they'd have been in Africa, the Queen and Queen Victoria,

and they'd have brought out the woman with 84 neck rings. Oh, yeah. They brought out this Australian female basketball player who was over seven foot tall. She was enormous, and she wore a lovely blue dress. It's not going to hide anything. And they brought her out like and and the queen like had to look really crane her neck to look up at her it was i mean it was terrifying i thought i wish this woman would curtsy she's gonna curtsy and then someone's gonna say hold on where's that little kid with the flowers gone

oh man duke vandenberg you can see was saying something to her you thought oh no this will be something terrible but i'm quite fond of an old-fashioned manner or two frank i like i like oh no i'm not i'm not decrying manners but i think um curtsy and it's it's quite tricky it's easy to go over with a, especially if you're still in your hotel slippers. I think we've established that they're not foot safe. Not great for the perches. You'd stand up for an anthem, though, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah.

There you go. But, you know, that's more of a football thing, I think. Have you curtsied? Oh, yeah. I've met the Queen. Have you? Yeah, in a gaff. Is this something we know? Is this something that I don't know? Well, I say met the queen have you? yeah in a gaff is this something we know?

is this something that I don't know because I'm new to the show well I say met she just gave me a bit of a dirty look did she? yeah

it was at the it was in Buckingham Palace in the garden you went to her window ledge I was on her son's window ledge and I went oh it's the queen so I thought

I sort of semi bowed i thought it was a half it was a bow slash curtsy well that's what the prime minister the second time she met her she bowed no mine was much more feminine mine was much more feminine now i've met the queen which is shook hands simple as that did you did you then she takes that glove off and throws it into a bin liner held by an assistant, puts another glove on for the next handshake. Right, like she works in a deli. Exactly. Like she works in customs.

I don't understand why it's always that way round. The Australian Prime Minister has to curtsy, which is her changing her... It's not like the Queen went there and assimilated into Australian society and, like, wore a baseball cap or went surfing or anything.

Why is it always, like, Joe Public that's making the concessions? The Royal Family get their own way a lot, don't they? Oh, a bit of republicanism here on Absolute Radio. I'm calling it the Cockrell Controversy Hour. Someone's got to replace Ian Lee.

So if you'd love any old-fashioned manners to come back, text in and tell us what they would be, because I've got to think of a few. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. So, Frank, we were talking about old-fashioned etiquette. Mm.

And I'd like to see a return to it, quite frankly. No, I know what you mean. Not just that, just those little touches. Where's the letter opener gone? Very polite. Sorry, I thought you were just asking. I haven't had it. I bought one from a second hand shop once in thorpe lasso can essex and it was uh it was like an animal's foot

the handle a real animal's foot and i'm sure it wasn't um killed for the purpose of i imagine it was somebody doing their best i can't have given you a very clean incision. No, no, it's had a blade. It's had like a lovely ivory sort of blade. I'd forgotten about letter openers. I love letter openers. We had a brown leather handle, gold blade. Smashing. And also, I'd like a letter opener because since we no longer have a coal fire in the bedroom,

there's no ready-to-hand weapon to kill a burglar with that you could say it was just lying around. Because if you kill a burglar, you have to say it's just lying around. Letter opener. Could have been any room. I heard a noise downstairs. I instinctively grabbed the letter opener. You're fine. Yeah, or you could just move to the North West, where recently killing burglars

has become quite legal, it seems. I think that's a national phenomenon. I think that might be a bit political for... Let me just check. Oh, apparently way too political. We're off air. God, you've become a shock jock. Someone had to. There was a gap, wasn't there?

Yeah, blimey. Also, I like, Frank, I like a thank you letter. I like a child that gets up for me on a tube. You haven't had a hard day, I have. I'm sorry, but I think that's true. I don't think the child deserves the seat. Yeah, I... What have you been doing all day?

I don't like that moment when somebody first gets up for you, and you think, oh, here we go, down in all the way. Somebody was saying to me only this week that a friend of theirs met the queen and became completely obsessed during the few seconds about punching her really hard in the face and he said i thought he said he said if i punched uh really hard in the face i would be world famous i'd be everywhere youtube you know i mean I'd be everywhere. YouTube. It'd be instant. Massive, massive celebrity. Every country in the world would show the Queen being punched in the face.

That's true. I hope I haven't put that in anyone's mind, who's meeting the Queen in the near future. Oh no, I'm going to fret about that now tonight. In a way, it could be my fault. Anyway, at least there isn't a letter open anywhere near.

It could go a lot worse. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Well, I've been doing this radio show quite a while and I've only just discovered that even if you shout shot up, shot up really loudly at the record, it doesn't stop playing. No, there's a button for that, isn't there? Yeah, that'll be the Foo Fighters with The Pretender. We've had a good texting from

466 to kill a burglar with a letter opener. He would need to be stationary. Very good. Love it. I feel like I just slipped into a hot bath. It's nice, isn't it? It's a fabulous pun. There is something warming about a pun, isn't there? Something warming.

Tell me about it. Don't tell me about it. No, actually, tell me about it. Don't tell me about it. Tell me about it. I need more detail. No. Frank, we've also had re-celebrity school visits. 682, well actually he's called Maurice, or Maurice perhaps. Frank, re-famous visitors

in 1973, Mother Teresa visited our school. That's it. Whoa, that's the biggie. That's it. Now, the votes, you're not going to top Mother Teresa. Poor old Douglas Bader. I votes, you're not going to top Mother Teresa. Poor old Douglas Barter. I mean, he was ahead of Chris Akabusi and he's got no legs. But Mother Teresa has come

out on the outside track and pipped him. Brilliant. That was in Birmingham. I didn't know she went to Birmingham. In my end is my beginning. We started with Wesley Perrins, the black country preacher, and we've ascended Jacob's ladder and ended with Mother Teresa. Brilliant. Frank, before we go, I'd like to share something with you.

I've had a bit of an incident with the cockerel. Oh, dear. Are we doing internals on here? No, it's nothing to worry about. Well, you know what I'm like, I'd rather be direct and raise this now, cockerel. Oh, dear. It was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I believe we call him the shockerel. Someone was suggesting after his political

comments today. Political comments? He was thinking aloud. Frank, as you may recall last week, do you remember we were discussing the Alan Partridge autobiography? I was just thinking aloud. That's what Richard Keyes said. Make it all right. Alan recommended it. You recommended it although you haven't... I'm trying to change the subject here

from plugging someone else's book. Can you tell? I can tell. I can sense that. I suppose it would be a funny book as it's written by four people. Yes. Try writing one on your own. That's all I'll say. Anyway, the cockerel and I were walking. It was sort of north-easterly direction, cockerel. Well, it's like being read from a policeman's notebook in a local courtroom.

Well, it was criminal in some ways, what he said. It's just evidence. Go on. And the cockerel said to me, I said, should I buy the audio book or the hardback do you think and the cockerel said well i've only known you three months i i'm i don't think i'm in a position to give you life advice oh oh wow i'm not sure i'm not sure if i'm not being misquoted slightly i think i said something along the lines of i don't think i'm qualified to take this decision for you.

I've only known you three months. But that is my own problem, because I don't like making decisions. I'm not going to choose for you. I mean, I do a lot of driving, so the audiobook was good for in the car. But I don't know how much driving you do. It was the three months that bothered me.

And as I said to you, you may recall, Cockerel, what did I say to you when you said that? I don't know. I driving you do. It was the three months that bothered me. And as I said to you, you may recall, Cockerel, what did I say to you when you said that? I don't know. I think I said to you, well, I've had therapists I've known for a lot less, and they constantly give me life advice. But, Frank, it made me think I was a probation friend for the Cockerel, and I'm not a real friend. I think it takes a bit of time with the Cockerel.

He's been circling me in that barnyard for too long. Commit! Commit! Getting to know the cockerel is like visiting a stately home. You're welcome, but there's still quite a lot of no-entry signs. Oh, yeah, there's nooks and crannies. You're not allowed into the living quarters. I thought the radio show was like dog years, though. Three months, that's middle age for a Cocker Spaniel.

It's accelerated. Oh, good. So did you go hardback or audio? I went hardback, just to spite the cockerel. Well, I think you should have split the difference, bought the hardback and then read it out loud. I'm calling that a bog-off. That's a good idea.

Yeah, that's it. You could completely pull the wheels off the audiobook industry if you did that. I'm still not sure about the point of the hardback. Why are we carrying on with the hardback at all? I don't know. Have people got that many short tables that they need to balance up? No, it's rubbish. I hate hardbacks.

I begged with my publisher if I could go straight into... Straight to paperback? And he wouldn't have. He said we make all the money on the hardback. Really? Of course. What are about 16 quid? Oh, right. Anyway, I don't want to give the game away on the...

Oh, I think I've slightly messed up my Christmas sales there. One small thing. Anyway, I hope you two have settled now. Can I say I've known Emily for how long? Oh, nine on 15. Yeah, still never been to her house. So, you know. Promotion friend. So people who live

in glass houses, which she might, for all I know. Yeah. It's like a gothic novel, our relationship. Yes, I love you, Frank, but never go in that room. Anyway, Not The Weekend podcast is available from Wednesday morning. It's a completely different

show that we do. Sarah Champion is next. And if the good Lord's willing and the creek don't rise, we'll be back next week at the same time. Goodbye. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.