The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Concrete Patch

Episode Date: March 23, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about the topics they never got round to discussing in last weeks live radio show, including Frank's insight in to the world of radio, Emily's concrete patch and Gareth's gig at the RSC.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Everything's too loud.

I think you'd agree with that. That's life. Some 16th century writer described London as one long shout. Oh, there you are. Sorry, this is Frank Skinner and it's Not The Weekend Podcast. I'm with Emily and Gareth in a small studio. Hello. Hello.

Hi there, Frank. I'm liking it. We only just met. Yeah, and I'm liking it. I'm always liking the whole radio thing of doing radio. I'm liking headphones and microphones and the things, faders. The faders. Makes me feel quite Reidian, slightly Edmondsonian. Is it like living in Reidian England? Yeah. Yes, it is.

I know what you mean. Reidian England. I did a lot of radio interviews this week, so I've had a chance to see how the other radio people live their lives. Oh, yeah. Something I have found inspirational. A lot of people, I think, have said that Six Music is inspirational. And there was something I discovered about Six Music

that certainly inspired me. And basically, only the DJ gets paid. Oh, God. Yeah, I did the show, and I met two people working there. None of... They don't get money. Six Music is essentially a sweatshop. Yeah, they were both... What do they call them? Interns?

Work experience. Interns. The whole place is people by slave labour. Oh. Yeah, Abraham Lincoln won't even do six music on principle. Oh, I wondered why I never heard him on there. Yeah, so he'd be great on there. So the trouble is I find that the beard just catches the bottom of the microphone. Makes sort of a scratching sound.

Yeah, it's all right. Obviously there's no tash. Well, that sounds a bit of a sorry state of affairs. Yeah, I was shocked by it. But, you Yeah, it's all right. Obviously, there's no tash. Well, that sounds a bit of a sorry state of affairs. Yeah, I was shocked by it. But, you know, it's a thing gone. No, thank you. And I'll tell you something else as well. No, everyone said,

can you not mention that you work for Absolute Radio? Because we don't like mentioning other stations. No, I mean... No, they just don't like you mentioning other stations to the interns because there's places where you get money. No, this wasn't just interview. This was every radio interview I did. More or less everyone said,

and can you not mention Absolute Radio? Really? Yeah. And we often mention other... What exactly? Capital Radio. Rubbish. Smooth FM. Radio 2. Yeah. Hateful.

In every aspect. We mention other people all the time. I know, we're not. I think, you know, we live and let live. Choice FM, Angry. Is that Angry? Yeah, it just feels like shouty Choice FM. I've never heard Choice FM.

It's Angry. You know why I've never heard Choice FM? Why? Because I have one. So, you see, we mentioned lots of other radio stations as part of our warm-hearted live and let

live policy. I listened to a lot of Chris Moyles on Comic Relief this week. Did you? How was that? I liked it. I didn't see. It was emotional at the end. Was it? Drunk. Totally drunk. Chris, Fern Cotton said at the end that she thought that after the big long marathon of like over two days, it felt like all radio should stop from that point.

And that's often how people feel after the Chris Moyle show. So you give with one hand and you take with the other. You enjoyed it and then you've had a part at one of the, I would say, one of the leading figures in this industry. I've said in this industry. He's all right. He's no Reed. I'm going to call him Moylesy.

Oh, don't call him Moylesy. That's a radio I've got now. Do you know what I discovered as well? It was quite crafty, this, is that the best way to, because I was on the plug-in, this TV show I'm going to do, I won't name it because I don't want to reduce this beautiful thing to some sort of commercial vehicle. I just go on and I talk about this TV show. But I realised, of course, from being in my car, that a lot of the local radio stations, they only come on my radio when it's traffic news.

Oh, yeah. So I was doing LBC and they said, we're going to go over to the traffic now. There's heavy traffic on the A40. And I said, Frank Skinner's opinionated next day. And that would have gone to loads of people who never never listened to him yeah and i'm thinking that maybe we could have a sim i don't know how it works i've any idea what the technology is when when the radio station only comes on for traffic you think it's some sort of deep black magic they use that's what i thought So I thought if we could get the same hardware, then we could say if there's a good laugh on our show,

that could be the only bits that come on. We could play martial music, you know, slow martial music, like when a member of the royal family dies, and then just come in for the big laughs. What do you think? I love that plan. It's driving me up the wall. There's only so much fast forward you can do on an iPod.

I find. So I learnt that. I met Robert Elms, who is a radio legend. Oh. He's been doing his show for 17 years. I was going to say 17. I still would have believed you. Yeah, 17.

Imagine this. We've been doing this for two. Very big in the 80s he was. Yes, oh, God. Massive, massive 80s figure. In many ways, he was the 80s. Yeah. And then I had two...

Never heard of him. Robert Elms. Never heard of Robert Elms. Oh, he's a cultural commentator. He's all sorts. Yes. Isn't he, Frank? He had Dutch relatives. They all died in the 80s. Yeah, that was... Data Chardet, briefly. Did he date Chard 80s. Dated Sade briefly.

Did he date Sade? I didn't know that. God, he's gone through the 80s. Close personal friends with Rubik. Sade's dated now. No, she isn't. She's back. No, she's back.

Still looking great. And quite a back as well on her. She's back. No, she's back. Yeah, still looking great. And quite a back as well on her. Got a good back, has she? She has. Wasn't like that back in Shardow. I don't like the pony tail just above the coccyx. But, um, I said a couple of things which, uh, That's probably for the best.

I talked about, yeah, but I talked about the West Brom manager. Oh, Roy Hodgson. Yeah, and I said, you know, I'm confident they'll keep us in the premiership. I said, he's a wise old owl. And I said, funnily enough, he looks like one. And the thing is, he does look a bit...

Look, it's not that Roberto one. Extraordinary looking. He looks a bit like the owl in Sword in the Stone, if you remember that owl. But now I'm worried now, because the last thing I want to do is estrange myself from the owl. Is it an insult to be likened to an owl?

Yeah. It's not great, is it? It looks. Well, you said the wise bit. The wise bit, you'll like that, but it's actually the physical. It depends how vain he is. I mean, how vain on a scale of one to ten.

The thing is, I sit behind where they sit, you know, the manager's dog. Oh, in those big car seats. I hate those. So I might be spotted, especially as I've noticed he can turn his head 360 degrees. And he only goes to night games. That's what I can't work out. Yeah. Yeah.

Does he hoot with laughter? Yeah, I don't know. But it was... I must say, I was glad of him when that vowel got on the pitch. No, but I really... I bet he sometimes say

it's twit to wall. Is that something? I don't know. I had a go. I had a go. I don't know. I went with that and then I thought,

oh, that doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. I should have just trusted you. Yeah. I'm going to give you another go. You're coming up with another one, aren't you? No. Oh, sorry.

I'm quite happy with Twit2All. Twit2All? Oh, Twit2All, I see. Yeah, okay, yeah, that is good. Well, how does the Twit bit work? Let's not, I mean, you don't have to go over it like it's some sort of crime scene. It's had an element of, we'll just put that, it was like when... when the twit's worrying me because it doesn't actually work yeah but the two all makes up for it is the last thing i said just let it go it's like talking about a man being an owl

yeah gary bushall did a review of martin chuzzle wit yeah remember martin chuzzle wit and he said too much chuzzle and not enough wit and i thought i'm liking not enough wit what's chuzzlewit? And he said, too much chuzzle and not enough wit. And I thought, I'm liking not enough wit. What's chuzzle? Exactly. What is chuzzle? If it had been muzzle, that would have been fine. What's chuzzle? You've got to be. I've got no credit for hoot with laughter. And I was fine with it.

I didn't even hear. I love chuzzle. I think it's brilliant. Anyway, so you're worried you've insulted the West Brom manager. And those tickets are going to be drying up. Because I pay for my tickets, can I say that? Yeah, I know that shocked you. But I do. I wouldn't take money from the club, it wouldn't be right.

No, I wouldn't. Anyway, I don't want him screeching at me. Oh, no. So, anyway, the place is like a barn. It's a ground. But, also... Why is that player limping?

He's got a torn knee. Oh, tremendous. Oh, yeah. We can't top that. That feels like a full stop. Yeah. So, I also met, I met a woman, I think I can say her name. She's called Lisa Smith. Okay.

And she's a friend of our producers. Emma Grafton, I think she said. Is that what your maiden name was? Scrafton. Scrafton. Scrafton. Yeah, she said she'll always be Emma Scrafton to me, she said. Did she?

That's not very nice. I thought spiteful. Yeah. She sounds more of a frenemy, Frank, if you ask me. Yeah, Laurie McFrenemy. So anyway, she said I'm doing... Obviously, it was a very noble thing. She was putting together a radio show for people in Japan

as a sort of a you know solidarity type yeah and she said to me uh you're very popular in japan will you do a link and i said hold on i said she said no that's according to uh that's what it says on the internet no there's no way in the world i'm popular in Japan. But anyway... They like their football in Japan. They do, but they won't know me. Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, yes. I said I'd do it.

So what they wanted to do was do a link and then pick a song, you know, for the show. Yeah. So I said, you know, obviously, I just said the truth. Everything was seen on the telly. It's very, very upsetting and, you know, and all that, which obviously it is. And I said, you know, and I've chosen a song that's a favourite of mine, Teenage Dirtbag, which, you know, by Wheaters, which is a song I love. But then afterwards, when I saw other people's selections, it was all, all you need is love and stuff like that. And I think I might not have gone emotional might have sounded a little bit

Simon Callow yeah well I what does that mean yeah but Teenage Dirtbag I don't know if it's I mean to me it's a very emotional song I chose it partly because it's me and Kath

it's our song because although we're not teenage, we are grimy. We are dirtbags, yeah. Yeah, totally. Anyway, I hope no one... Oh, it'll be alright. Yes, you know, I said nice from the heart things as well, so that'll be

alright. Don't bring heart into it. We've already mentioned all the others. Oh, yeah. Heart all so awful. Heart all so awful. Oh, I. Heart also awful. Heart also awful. Oh, I'll tell you what I did like that. Did you see Unluckiest Woman in the World in the papers? I love Unluckiest Woman in the World. Oh, I've actually...

I've got the damn thing here. That's so pleased I was with it. Let me find it. So he won... Let me get this right. OK. She said, the girl who dumped trucker Matthew Breach for being dull

only to seem scoop a 17.8 million lotto fortune, was branded the unluckiest woman in Britain last night. Now, I don't know about you, but I'd love to have been at the branding. That would have been fabulous, wouldn't it? Very cruel, the lotto. Oh, yeah, but imagine that. It actually says, unluckiest woman in Britain. No, I'd love to have been at that.

It looked like she could have gone up in a burst of flames. Well, she walked out on him, didn't she? Because apparently he was boring. Yeah, but again, another quote I'm loving. Dom. They were a couple for 14 years, but brunette Kerry then walked out telling pals, they always have pals in the...

Telling pals she wanted lots of sex. Oh. How common. How very, very common. Who would... Well, I'll tell you something, he'll certainly be getting lots of sex now. I should think he will, 17 point. I mean, she's done all right, Kerry, though.

She's got a man. Do you like who her man is? He's described as failed web cafe owner, Travis Mains Martin. I love Travis Mains Martin. I'm sure he was a close friend of the Rolling Stones in 1967. Travis Mains Martin. Oh, brilliant.

He couldn't be more. Even a name like that. I think they're painting their life with him harshly. What, Travis means Martin? Yeah, in a dingy bedsit with failed web cafe owners. Travis means Martin. Although he does say... You could say she lives in a studio flat with a young entrepreneur. Oh, I like your spin, Gav.

28? I'm not into this. Why is she unlucky? She broke up with a guy three years ago. Oh, did she? Yeah. Did she? And, like, just because... Yeah, because let's be honest,

her and Travis Mains-Martin, they've obviously... He's had time to get his feet under the table, if you know what I mean. Well, they've had a child together. Exactly. Yeah. They've got a toddler called Blake.

Yeah. Blake Mains-Martin? Blake Mains-Martin. I don't know why Travis means Martin. Can't phone his aristocratic relatives and say, we're on hard times, can't you help us out with this? And his dad will say, I told you, Travis, if you married that woman, you'd never be welcome in this house again.

He'd say, I had enough with all that stuff in the 60s, but now you've really gone too far. I mean, OK, the silk and cravats and the loon pants was what, but now, really? That's what I imagine it's like at the Main Martins. Travis Mayne Martins. He's not posh, trust me. I can tell by his haircut.

Travis Mayne Martin is not posh, don't be ridiculous. He's got one of those haircuts. It's a bit Beckham Child. He's not posh, trust me. There's any Travis Mayne Martins. Or not, don't be ridiculous. He's got one of those haircuts. It's a bit Beckham child. He's not posh, trust me. I wonder if there's any Travis Minor Martins. Who are not as well known. But Matthew the Trucker, whose hobby is sleeping. Yes.

It's not really a hobby, that, is it? Sounds like an idiot. I don't know if I would count that as a hobby, sleeping. What does he call a coma, a boss man's holiday? No, but there's a bit halfway through. So the story starts. I've got it all here. It starts off with the bit I said that she dumped him for

being boring. Then he won £17.8 million. And she's been dubbed the unluckiest woman in Britain. And then about ten paragraphs in, it says, a pal said, another pal.

Let me get this right. Remember, this is ten paragraphs into the story. A pal said, I should say there's a photo of Kerry and Travis Mayne-Martin, and then this is, the quote is after the photo. In bed. In bed, strangely, yes.

And it says, a pal said, Kerry's got to be, of course, Travis is used to a four-poster. So he's a hard time. A pal said, Kerry's got to be the unluckiest woman in the country. Yeah, he said that. She was with Matthew through all the hard times and that inevitably caused strains,

but after she walked out on him, he struck it rich. And he thought, yes, all this has been said at length. What this is, it's in the son, is that where it's from? I believe so. It's the son thinking, we've put a picture in now, I imagine that having looked at the picture, people have forgotten all that went before him.

So we'd better give them a brief summary. Because it is, you know, it's almost a whole page article, we've got to help them. So it's the sort of base camp one for the readers. And they are, the son in that sense, are the pal, I suspect. Oh, yes, I think so. There is no pal. What?

Perhaps there is no pal. No pal? No. I think you'll find that most of Travis Mayne Martin's pals are in the bowling club. He's not posh. He's got to be. He's called Travis Mains Martin.

Yeah, but we live in the age of the double barrel. I mean, these modern types, Frank, everyone's a double barrel. Soon, Skinner is actually going to be poshered to have just a single name like Skinner. I bet you've got a double barrel. Richards?

Yeah. Do you share with Laura? No. Very old-fashioned. Did you share with Laura? No. Oh, very old-fashioned. Did you take my name? What's Ethan? Is Ethan called Ethan Richards? Ethan Richards, yeah. What's Laura's maiden name? Hills. Oh. Hills have eyes.

I was surprised at the family gatherings. Hills Richard. Oh, that's quite posh. Hills Richard is better than Richards Hills, isn't it? Oh, that sounds all a bit Sky Sports richard hill sounds like an area of derby which uh yeah so basically i think the good news is matthew is single he's going to join a dating website don't bother matthew no need no there's someone here. I mean, I just think, he and I, I don't mind sleeping. I'd be fine with that.

He said after he won it, he phoned his mum to tell her he'd won £17.8 million and then he had a bit of a nap to cool his head. Is he narcoleptic? I mean, nobody is that excited as a nap. Whoa, I've got to have won £17.8

Ugh. Unbelievable. What a cool dude he is. I like the sound of him. Still, as long as Travis, when Travis comes into his inheritance. He hasn't gotten it. I think she's lucky, this woman.

I think she's lucky that she left that boring man before money came in to confuse things. Exactly. Oh, men with no money always say that do they now yeah they're always quite boring as well aren't they well i i hope it all turns out i hope i mean they did there was a request apparently i think it was her mother who seems to be getting involved as well unsurprisingly yes the mother says something oh well i hope he does come good and you know but then she says she hasn't heard from matthew

to see if he'll give he'll give her any money why should he give her money he said he's responded we'll see yeah he didn't rule it out i don't think we'll see ever ends well though does it why give why give them money when she's going out with a close friend of Mick Jagger? I don't know. To hell with it. Well, maybe you'll invest in the web cafe. Internet cafe. Get that back on its feet.

I think if you went to that cafe, the only webs you'd find would be in the corners of the ceiling. Oh, anyway, what else? Well, I'll tell you what else. I've had... You know, I've moved out of my old place, staying with friends. Celebrity friends. Yeah, staying with celebrities, SWC, on the census form. We already established that.

It's my box of choice. But obviously I've bought somewhere and I'm waiting for it all to go through. I should say that Emily's saying with Duncan Norvell, chase me fame. I once saw a poster for a Duncan Norvell show about three or four years ago, and it said, Duncan Norvell, TV star of the 70s.

Oh, no. I'm not saying with Duncan. Can you imagine if I was? People think I am now. Anyway, I found the place that I want, and it's lovely. So what I'm doing, Frank, is preparing, you know, before the big move, making some little key purchases, items I want. Also, I've got a little garden area, which I haven't had before.

I know, I know. Frank! Sorry, what? It's my first sort of patch. It's my first... Yes. It's the first time I've had a little patch yes we're never going to get through this no no come along um and it's concrete you know i i ain't sleeping in the concrete patch i don't know about you um even the producers lost it so but it's a small area frank yeah it's not a big area no stop it now this is

i'm not trying to do this i'm explaining it's a small area so but you know what i want is the odd plant you want to spruce it up i do but is it concrete if it's concrete well when i say concrete what i mean is in a really beautiful like it was sort of oriental garden that sort of thing it's got those slates you You know those slates? Yes. Oh no, it's not some inner city thing. It's very pleasant looking, but it's small. So I need someone just to come in maybe once a month,

do a bit of tending. But if it's that small, surely can't you do it? No, absolutely not. I think it's quite trendy. I think it could fit with your... I think I saw in I did Alan Titchmast this week and they were advertising

Armani kneeling pads Oh I don't want to get those They come in handy I mean you're going to I presume there'll be a housewarming party Speaking of which is Kate Moss morphing into Gillian Telforth?

Or is there something wrong with my computer screen? Anyway. So it means, I thought, what I'll get, Frank, is a man to come in once a month, maybe, every three to four weeks. You know, just an odd job man. That's what I'm looking for,

essentially, an odd job man. So I asked a friend who recommended someone, I found the perfect man, he's brilliant. He said, great. He's just left his old job, so he's what I'm looking for, essentially. An odd job man. So I asked a friend who recommended someone. I found the perfect man. He's brilliant. He said, great. He's just left his old job. So he's ready to start. I said, great.

Well, who is he going to have time to do it? Who is he working for before? You two. You two's gardener. Hold on. You two don't all live together, do they? No, but he looked after quite a few of them independently, I think. Oh, I had a lovely feeling that they all lived in a house with a garden.

But Frank, he's going to... With a big spider. You know the big spider? Like a big spider greenhouse that they all go in. But Frank, I can't have you two... It's going to turn out with some big Chris Eubank tractor coming up the street. It's quite exciting.

It won't be cheap. Well, this is what... I don't have that kind of money. I have those kind of tastes. I don't have that kind of money. No. He kind of tastes. I don't have that kind of money. No. He'll be good at the edging. Oh, Gareth.

Absolutely fabulous. I'm working on Bono. Just give me a moment. I know, but the good thing is, I think I can be quite demanding, can't I? If he's used to the likes of you two, I expect they had very strong ideas about what they wanted. Well I imagine they'd just grow cabbages

and then they're shipped off straight immediately to Africa. Isn't it? I think it'd all be given away to the... I like a celebrity handyman though. I think it's the way forward. Yes. Nick Knowles? It'd be good. Get him in.

It's, yeah, I had a personal assistant once who's been Renata John's personal assistant. You know, Renata John. Not from Renee and Renata, Saving All My Love. No, Renata John, who's married to Elton John. Everyone forgets that Elton John had a wife once. And she'd been... Oh, I remember her.

Yeah. And that's all. Did you quite like knowing that she'd worked for her? She was very discreet, obviously. Oh, she'd been... Oh, I remember her. Yeah, and that's all. Did you quite like knowing that she'd worked for her? She was very discreet, obviously. Oh, she'd have to be. Well, I mean, for the first fortnight. I hope U2's garden is not too discreet, though. I want to find out some information.

But do you think I should turn him down, though? I need to find out how much he charges. I think it's a good brag. Okay. Yeah, get some Joshua trees in there. Oh. Absolutely marvellous. A zoo.

Pardon? A zoo? A zoo. Yeah. They had something about a zoo. See, I don't know enough about you two to even... I've heard of the Joshua tree. Well, I've heard of that.

Well, I'll throw that in for a session. It's not a tree. It's an area, isn't it, Joshua Tree? Oh, is it? It's where Graham Parsons was burnt. Oh, I didn't know. Graham Parsons is a sort of country singer. His mate promised him that he'd burn the body at the Joshua Tree.

So he stole the coffin. Really? Yeah, and took it there. And made a terrible job of it. When they found it, like, just an arm and a bit of chest had gone. It was awful. Terrible drug Christ. Oh.

Oh, why did we even go to that area? Let's talk about something nice. What's nice? Well, we have got something nice, which is a text that we've had in. Oh? Do you remember we were talking about things found on skips last week? We were always talking about that in a way. No, but we were specifically talking about it.

Yeah. And there was someone who'd found, and he was called Bobby, and he'd found, do you remember that guy, a gramophone? Oh, yeah, the Glenn Miller. Yeah, exactly. Jimmy Shand. We've had a text in. Hi, it's Bobby Nicol here.

Thank you for reading my email out on Wednesday. When I found the gramophone at the rubbish tip ten years ago, I thought it was so funny. Oh, he thought it was funny. There you go. It's quite a strange email, but it's nice anyway. He particularly liked my assumption that he was an elderly chap due to his name Bobby.

And as he points out... Well, I thought he was a tortoiseshell cat. That was, I assumed. He says he's only 49. That's quite elderly. Oh, no! It is. I mean, I'm older than that,

but I still recognise that that is quite elderly. It's a good skip age. Skip and dump roaming age, I would say. Well, he says he... I didn't start scavenging until I was into my late 30s. Didn't you? No. She still writes.

Your mother-in-law does scavenging. Yes. She trolls the skips. And now we've got another little one on the way we're going to have to get out ourselves. She trolls the skips would be a great title for a black and white movie, wouldn't it? Or maybe a Billie Holiday song.

Yeah. She trolls the skips. Oh, how marvellous. I think it was one of the best gigs of my life this week. Wow. Hold on, let me just get back on my seat. Where? It was at the Swan Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon.

Oh, yes. Which is the big Shakespeare theatre. Yes. Get away. Yeah. It's been newly renovated. Isn't it a pub? Renovated.

Hill Swan. They've spent millions on it. Yeah, it's really nice. Isn't it nice? And it was really good because I did my 20 minutes normal set so I've done it a lot. I've done those jokes a lot so it sort of stops

being, you know, I know that at some point someone has laughed at all of those jokes. So it sort of becomes like you do it in different rooms and you gauge the room by how they, and it was just... Stand-up comedy basically is what you're talking about. Yeah, that's what I'm talking they... And it was just... Stand-up comedy, basically, is what you're talking about. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

And it was just... It was such a good place to perform because it just, like, it was a thrust stage, so people were just everywhere. It just felt like walls of people and it felt so intimate at one point. I just walked to the front of the stage and a woman on the front row said,

Oh, no. She must have seen me before but this was obviously let me get this right this was the best gig you've ever had the woman said oh no immediately it wasn't at the start i was into it by then why did she say oh no because it was so intimate it felt so intimate and i would just walk to the front of like the very front because you didn't stand at the front all the time because then there's people looking at your back because they go all the way round i say i find a lot of women tend to say oh no when i get very intimate okay so but you stormed it it was a very yeah what was the the game it wasn't just you then it was a russell kane is like

because you know he's done his fake spear stuff where he does like a play yeah he he's sort of curating a night there it was the first one and it was me and chris addison were on and um it it was it's ever such a nice but you should do it frank it's ever such a nice place to perform well i wasn't asked i'll be i'll be straight with you i'm sure i'm sure they'll they'll get to it i You know, I could go on and do, maybe not do any stand-up, just do Richard III or something like that. Why not? Yeah. Very marvellous. Well, I sort of think it's why it's... Now is the winter of our discontent,

my glorious summer, by the sun of York, and all the clouds that lulled upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried. Now are our brows bound with stories through... Yeah. I sort of think it's why it's gone so, went so well, is because when you think that in that venue, Shakespeare plays get laughs.

You know the bits that are even something that's just the vaguest bit. Oh, no, I laugh at those jokes. I like Shakespeare, yeah. I'm the one that laughs at those things loudly, in a very middle-class way. I love a bit of Shakespeare, but I never laugh at the jokes. Oh, I love it. He's lowered the bar.

He's lowered the bard. Yeah. Certainly, yeah. So you think that this was a Shakespeare crowd, you're thinking? Well, I think it was, yeah. It was partly Shakespeare crowd and other people as well. It's all been newly renovated, but there was one thing that wasn't finished yet. In the dressing rooms,

the dressing rooms were really lovely. They had balconies. I like the way you look at me when you say that, thinking, oh, she'll like this lady, bit of dressing rooms. There are balconies in the dressing rooms? Yeah. Oh.

But on the door it said, do not go on the balcony and shut the door, because the balconies didn't have, the doors didn't have handles on the outside yet. Oh, OK. So if you went on the balcony... You'd stay in the balcony. Yeah. That'd be it.

I remember I played a theatre and the bloke at the front of the stage door guy said, you're in luck tonight, Mr Skinner, we've put you in the Anoushka Hempel room. Lovely. And we went into this, it wasner, we've put you in the Anoushka Hempel room. Lovely. And we went into this, it was a completely normal dressing room like all the others, except they'd put a pink satin curtain covering the pipework onto the sink. Well, I mean, how Anoushka Hempel is that? Who is Anoushka Hempel, by the way?

Is she a hotelier? She's a hotelier. 1960s figure designer married well. She's she a hotelier? She's a hotelier. Six 1960s figure designer married. Well, she's now a hotelier. Was she in Upstairs Downstairs? Absolutely not, no. Okay. It was Jean Marsh.

Well, it wasn't just Jean. Jean Marsh played all parts. Well, she wrote it. Like Alec Guinness in Kind Heart. She did write it. She got the pic of it. Jean Marsh wrote it. She wrote Upstairs Downstairs.

It was her basic idea and concept. I never knew that. If you're listening, Marshy. As we say, this Ian Wright thing is getting to me. Well done, Marshy. She's still around, Marshy. She's still around. And in fact, interestingly enough,

when they revived Upstairs, Downstairs, guess who had a little plum pot for herself? Well. Jean Marsh. That's a lovely story. Because she used to be quite difficult in those days but she's lovely now. I'd say that...

Was she difficult? I'd say marshmallowed. Oh, we've got to end on that laugh. How marvellous. See, she's all posh but there was a little hint of the fish wife

in that laugh. You see? If you dig deep enough in these people you'll always find the commoner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.