The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Connections

Episode Date: April 9, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss the connections they had growing up, they soon discover that their contacts are quite varied, ranging from Tony Capstick to the Director General Of the BBC.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank... Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth. Hi. And you can text us on 81215 about anything. Anything, really. This week's theme, I'm thinking, is the fishing industry in Scandinavia. That's a general topic. That's a general topic. That's a great topic. You can broaden that. That's one of my

speech topics for my speech radio personality of the year test. Yeah. I'm alright. So, I just confessed, actually, while that record was playing, I just lowered myself and confessed.

I was slightly disappointed that my name isn't in the list of celebrities that were phone-hacked by the news of the world. I feel slightly snubbed. I mean, Andy Gray, not me. What's happened to my career? Yeah, so, yeah, it's odd the things that could hurt your feelings in life. Yes, that is very strange. Oh, I feel so unhacked this morning.

Well, unlike Inzamir Ul Haq, the cricketer, who must feel unhacked every day. Very hacked, right. He's hacked off. He should be. So, yes, I am. I tell you what, let us begin. I had visitors this week. I don't often have

visitors what sounds like aliens no no no not aliens um that i think i'd have told you earlier i couldn't have held it back to the show if i'd had aliens obviously i'd have linked it to the news of the world thinking this could be it could be my moment no um who are you well my my girlfriend um was away. Some of you may know. Not those sort of visitors. No, no, not those sort of visitors. It's sort of Charlie Sheen.

I went a bit winning around your way. Now, as you may know, my girlfriend's sister's been living with us recently. And the two of them went off for the weekend with Sandy Mason, their mum. They weren't at Aintree, were they? No, no, that's this weekend. No, they went because it was Mother's Weekend, it seems. Mothering Sunday. So I was on my own, so I thought visitors would be nice. So David Baddiel and his family came visiting.

Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with their work. Yeah. And the novelist, I think. I'm going to call him that. Yeah. The novelist came round. And filmmaker. And filmmaker.

But novelist sounds better. I like the idea nowadays, if I have a visitor, it could be a novelist. Yeah. In the old days, when my mates used to say, shall I come round your house? We can have a doss. We used to book time in which we sat around and did nothing.

I'd come round the afternoon, we can just doss. So Dave came round, we had a bit of a doss. But it's slightly different nowadays because he's got children who are very lovely. Oh, does he bring the kids? I'm not used to children in the house because I am barren as a brick. Can I just say something? Your property isn't very child-friendly. No, it isn't.

And because I don't have children in the house, I keep, I've discovered, I keep all my collectibles at knee level. That's a mistake when the children arrive. You don't want to... Especially the bear traps. Yeah, exactly. They're not set, though. though never set it kills the springs that you you're not the resale value um down

considerably so yeah but i find that when i have um friends come around with children i'm i love children don't get me wrong but obviously i'm not used to i always think they'll be up to mischief yes you see it's a bit like i was thinking about? It's a bit like... I was thinking about this. It's a bit like... Imagine if you'd met a couple of friends in Dallas in 1963 for a cup of tea in a cafe, and just over your shoulder, or all over their shoulder, you're aware of the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

And you're not involved with it exactly, but you can hear, you know, gunfire, the odd sirens. Maybe an eyebrow splats against the window and so you're not, but it's going on over there but that's all you can think about that's the nature of your anxiety and when you're talking to friends and you can hear their children in an adjoining room you think, what the hell is going on?

and I get anxious and I was already beating myself up for the fact that I don't keep our own squash in the house, as a matter of course. I mean, who keeps squash at my age? You should keep some child-friendly drinks. Did you have any toys for them?

No. Well, I don't have... Why would I have toys? Oh, I always keep toys. Do you really? Yeah, in case there's a kiddie visitor. In case they get in. You can just open the front door, throw the toys out as they run,

close the door behind them. But I'm not even sure what age group, you know. Just get some Polly Pockets and a Sylvanian family. That's all you need. I'm thinking I might knock up a sandpit. What do you say? Yeah, nice. I'd like one of those.

You know those things you get in early learning centre that's just like balls in the top if you're going have a ballroom I like the idea is that yeah

I could have a ballroom but yeah I'm thinking I might I ought to get something I did feel I also thought maybe I will keep squash

I like the idea that of having a soft drink in the house that I can determine the strength of yes you know some days i think no i'm i'm gonna go halfway up the glass with the squash and some days i'm happy for it to just color the water you've had years of practice of determining strength yeah indeed um so what i what i did luckily they discovered that we've got a treadmill in our house. That's a nice toy. It's not an 18th century job that I bought in an antique fair.

It's a modern running machine, which my girlfriend uses quite a lot, and I've used about five times. And my dog uses if its bottom is completely itchy and he can't get out of the house. So they went on that, and it turned out to be a brilliant thing, because the thing is, with kids, they're bursting with energy, but after four hours on the treadmill, it just takes the sting out of them. I don't think that's a very suitable toy. Well, they were loving it.

Were you and David in the room when they were on the treadmill? Did you lead them to the right places? No, we could just do the doot-doot-doot of little feet, the pitter-patter of little feet, and then quite a lot of heavy breathing. And then a sort of a squeal, how do you switch this off? But then we left them for another couple of hours

after that. Seemed to be fine. We had to go out and hold out cups of water for them after two hours. They're very hard to get off a speeding treadmill, I've discovered. Isn't that like life?

Yeah. A bit of philosophy early on. I've always said there isn't enough of that on Absolute Radio. I think Vicky Blight was going to do behaviourism this morning. She'll take that into a later show. She said she might do the Gnostics. We'll see how it goes.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in from 796. Frank, you must invest in a trampoline. Great for kids and adult fun too.

Oh, I don't like the adult fun bit. It's a bit sleazy but you don't have a garden do you i don't have a garden you've got a balcony yeah i don't like the idea of trampoline on a balcony well i'm on the 11th floor yeah that's what i call trampoline if i could put the trampoline on the pavement below see how you'd come up if there's any physics students cut down your travel time in the morning yeah by a lot well it depends i'll only test to stop bouncing you'd get to look i reckon you'd get to look through everyone's window in the whole block oh you get a good view because the way our flats are designed i can only see into the windows on the on the block opposite i can't see into my own block i'm thinking of setting up a series of mirrors on the opposite block.

The opposite block, isn't that... Rings a bell, that. What's opposite lock? What does that mean? Is it a club in Birmingham in the 1970s called the opposite lock? I'm not sure if I'd be able to help you out with that. Well, you know, it's a rick and corer. I'd throw them all in there. I was sent a free gift this week.

Oh, lovely. I love an anecdote that begins that way. Yeah. And it's called, it's a book, and it's called Celebrities' Favourite Books. It's a charity thing. It's all good cause. Is it your new favourite book?

No. And some people, some celebrities do say very nice things about the book this book for example and was it anthony jane torville obe oh she's quite a good celebrity yeah i think this book is most interesting it says yeah i was fascinated to find out what other people's favorites were it gave me some ideas of books I might like to read in the future. She summed up the whole concept of the favourite celebrity books. And she found it most interesting in a fabulous prime of Miss Jean Brodie. What would have been better if she said,

it helped me decide from the celebrities I truly hate which books I should avoid for all my life. I like the idea that Jane Torvald now as she gets a little older and another series of Dancing on Ice comes to a close, she's thinking I'll do a bit of reading. Why not? Catch up on a bit of reading. Finds it most interesting. Then judge her for it. I'll be off to

Waterstones in the morning. So what were some of their selectiones? There's all sorts. Tony Benn for example. You know Tony Benn, Labour MP. There's no Tony Hadley, but it's OK. No, I always think of him as a left-wing voice in the wilderness. And he says...

Jordan's new book? No. Guinness Book of Records. Favourite book of all time. It's not even a book. It's an ever-expanding, organically-growing, living creature, the Guinness Book of Records., the Guinness Book of Records. So the Guinness Book of Records he loves probably got Roger Bannis the fastest man on the planet.

But he says, here's what he says about it. It's a good quote from Tony, but I can't do the voice. I don't think I can. It shows, no, I can't. It's always good to check just in case you can do an impression naturally. It says, it shows how much each of us can achieve. The Guinness Book of Records. Each of us?

Yeah, it doesn't, does it? I'm not in it. No. World's shortest man? No. Something I couldn't achieve. Most voracious aunt? I think we've...

Probably not. Wait, we could make you world's shortest man. I'll get the saw. I don't want Tony Ben giving young children ambitions to be the world's most voracious aunt. Ambitions they can never fulfil. They can only give them a life of frustration.

A-N-T or A-U-N-T? What is it? No, no, I don't say that for aunt. Aunt. Noel Edmonds. Oh, now, hang on. I'm just going to settle down by the fireside of my favorite celebrities yeah right having said having said earlier in his he wrote a bit more than anyone else i think already said already said and i quote i'm a huge fan of jeremy clarkson

can you believe i read on that's what i'll do keep going keep going keep going keep going keep going, keep going. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Gareth, stop it. He chose men are from Mars, women are from Venus, was Noel Edmonds' book. Wow. He didn't. Yeah. Oh, well, he likes cosmic ordering. He likes planet-based things. Does he realise it's a metaphor and not an actual theory?

Oh, no. Surely he realises there's no evidence of life on either planet. Well, he also chose Wind in the Willows, which 70% of the celebrities chose Wind in the Willows. Oh, dear. Jane Torvald, OBE. Better settle down for a summer with Ratty and Mowley. I can remember my dad reading me that. Please, that's what she calls her breasts.

Oh, poor Jane Toville. Toville? I've always thought she was... No, I like the mispronunciation. It's most interesting, I find it. A lovely woman, but slightly poor sign. I've always thought. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute. Radio. Killers, human. We've had a human getting in touch with us, Frank. Oh, thank God it wasn't a killer. No, it's Eddie the Cabby. Oh, I like the sound of him. Oh, it could be a killer.

Morning, Frank. I'm loving the fall. Please tell me the best fall album to buy. Cheers, Eddie the cabbie. We've been asked this many times, Eddie, but I'm always happy to share. I think it's an album, it's a double album called

50,000 Fall Fans Can't Be Wrong. And it's a fabulous first taster across about 20 years of fall glory. Lovely. That's what I'm saying. We've had morning all. Opposite lock is what you do with the steering wheel on a car whilst drifting. Oh.

Because you said what opposite lock was. Whilst drifting? What kind of driving is that? Drifting? I think when you're going around a corner. Oh, it's a bit more... And then when you kind of slide out. Drifting doesn't sound good in connection with the car, does it?

No, it doesn't. I think it's sort of racing. And it's Jed's birthday, so he said, can I have a happy birthday? No, I don't think so. We don't do that. We don't do that. I love your strange rules. You'll gaff your rules.

Hi, Frank and team. I've just been overtaken on the M1 by a car with a sticker in the back saying, follow me, I'm off to watch the Keeley Cougars in action. Frank, do you think I should? Number 208. Wow. I think, yes. No-one ever takes those stickers, literally. I think you should follow that person,

park behind them at wherever the Keeley Cougars is. I imagine it's five or six middle-aged women hanging around at teenage football match. I'll see you later, guys. Yeah, wouldn't it be great to follow? Just do it. Go for it, 208. Hi, lads and lass. Quick question.

Would you rather have a time machine or a teleporter? From Ginge in Sutton Coalfield. Hi, Ginge. Time machine or teleporter? It's a tricky one. If I had a time machine, of course, I could recreate Goodnight Sweetheart, the popular sitcom.

You could. With Nicholas Lindhurst. Nick Lindhurst, they call him in the trade. Is it? Very bitter, I think, about the fact that Del Boy is seen as the primary character. But we will go into that. I do not want to gossip.

But you could do... You know what he does in that show is he goes back into the past and writes Beatles songs in 1950 and stuff. He just hangs out in a bar all the time. I've seen that show. He doesn't do anything with his time. What he does is cross-decade plagiarism. I mean, that's the basis of the show.

I could do that with comedy. I could go back to the 50s and do David Brent's dance, for example. Imagine that. Maybe I'll go for the teleporter. You could sort of use the time machine as a teleporter if you just did a very small amount of time. That's true. If you were going for the international date line.

I love that he's so clever. If you allow for the time zones, there's got to be a certain amount of time travel in teleporting anyway. Can I be honest? Teleporter overrated. It's got to be a certain amount of time travel in teleporting anyway. Can I be honest? Teleporter overrated. It's just like getting a cab. What difference? Or get on a plane. What's so great about it? Time machine's much better. I like that with the pension rises this week, they said it was, you know, there's going to be a flat rate, 140 quid. They said there's going to be, it's a pension for the 21st century.

That described it. The 21st century hasn't turned out anywhere near as exciting and space-age as I hoped it would be. It's about £140 a week for old people. Where's the hovercars? Yeah. Where is my hovercar? Anyway, meanwhile, back at the celebrities' favourite books, this isn't my favourite book of this week.

Someone sent me, and it's a book where celebrities pick their favourite books. We've't my favourite book of this week. Someone sent me and it's a book where celebrities pick their favourite books. We've had Noel Edmonds. We've had Noel Edmonds and Tony Benn. Some of them completely shock you. What about this? Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment, chosen by Eunice Dobbs. I personally didn't see that coming.

Oh, me little intellectual Anne Fowley. Yeah. But my favourite one of all of them. Well, obviously, Ken Barlow did choose The Philosophy of the Silver Birch. Did he? Which I think he's probably sent the wrong email. I think he's probably ordering a spanking movie.

No, apparently it's a book of mystical philosophy. Oh, it doesn't strike me as mystical philosophy. And Ken Barlow... Oh, it doesn't strike me as a type frame. Ken Barlow. What's his real name? Will... William Roach. William Roach.

Bill. We call him in the trade, Bill. Do you? I call him Willero Rocher. That's what I call him after the chocolates. Well, Willero Rocher, a.k.a. Ken Barlow, chooses Philosophy of the chocolates. Well, Willero Rocher, aka Kembalo, chooses

Philosophy of the Silver Birch, and he says, if everyone were to follow its teachings, all the problems of the world would be solved in an instant. Really? Of course, that would throw him out of work, because what would Coronation Street be about? It's terrible. I feel he's trapped, isn't he,

in Kembalo. He hasn't had an awful lot of other work, let's be frank. There was no problems no it's terrible i feel he's trapped isn't he in ken barlow he hasn't had an awful lot of other work let's be frank there was no room for him but if he's a philosopher of that kind of i imagine a very low rent philosopher uh will era russia but i think he's like those philosophers you get in emmanuel who's you know remember those sex movies from the 70s would there be a bloke in a white linen suit and say stuff like, making love is like dancing among the stars. That kind of very low-rent philosophy. Gareth said that to me the other day.

Yeah, that's who I'm seeing, Bill Rose. But can I just... Is it dancing with the stars an American, like, dancing on ice type thing? Can I... City Ballroom. Yeah, could be. I think it is.

I'm... Google it. Oh, we're back to Jane Torvald OBE. Yeah. OBE won Kenobi, I think they call her in the trade. So, my favourite one, anyway, I'm going to read this one for baiting, because it's very short. This is Dickie Bird.

Do you know who Dickie Bird is? Oh, the cricket? Yes, I do. He's my sports test, if Gary's there. He's the cricket umpire or commentator. Umpire Harold Bird is what they used to call him officially, but Dickie Bird, retired cricket umpire. And this is Dickie's bit, right?

He says, My favourite book is my autobiography. This book was a huge success when first published, and it was the best- selling sports book in history. I don't know if he's quite entered into the charity nature of this. I can certainly recommend this book to anyone

who's interested, not only in cricket, but in other people's lives. Oh, disgusting. He's not interested in other people's lives. No, he's interested in his life and the selling thereof. I've really, really gone off him. Oh, gosh. I really have.

That's when he changed my opinion of him. I thought he was a sweet old man. No, he's... Maybe it is because he's quite an old man. Very money-grabbing. I think it's unacceptable. I do. Recommended your own book.

Not just naming it, but going on about it. Shut up about it, Dickie. Oh, and the other people's lives. If you're interested in other people's bank accounts, buy my book. Anyway, we'd like you to text it. That's whoever texted. I'm doing an official announcement. Have you ever bought anything because of a celebrity,

because a celebrity's recommended, or just done anything because of a celebrity recommendation of any kind? I have, actually. I, um... What? Oh, I don't like where this is going. No, no. I saw Jane Middlemiss do a knees-folded handstand on Celebrity Love Island, and I did two years of yoga. Oh. Is that all, really? Yeah, that's what inspired me. on Celebrity Love Island and I did two years of yoga as a rock.

Is that all really? Yeah, that's what inspired me. I've got one involving Leslie Ash. Well, hold that back. Okay. If it's fat lips, you can keep it to yourself. Frank on radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Have we had contact from the outside world? Didn't mean to catch you out. It's pronounced Keith Lee Cougars, not Keeley Cougars. Oh, it's Keith Lee in Yorkshire, is it? Oh, I'm sorry, guys. Silly.

Oh, Keith Lee. Oh, that's very rugby league, isn't it? I can't apologise enough. I imagine they're rugby league, Keith Lee. Oh, that's very rugby league, isn't it? I can't apologise enough. I imagine they're rugby league, Keithley Cougars. Oh, I'll see them down there. Yeah. Maybe don't follow them after all. No.

Be all drinking games and Iba Zimba, Iba Zimba, Iba Zimba Zimba Yee. Hold them down, you Zulu warriors, naked men on tables, eating biscuits, if you know what I'm saying. What else? Opposite lock is what you do when reversing anything with a trailer on it. Steve in King George's Hospital, Romford. Well, he's a good man to take driving advice from, by the sound of it. See, I'm trying to... I just used the phrase earlier, opposite lock.

I'm pretty convinced it used to be a club. I think I've been to it in Birmingham, but you know what it is? I might have invented the whole thing. Well, it's funny you should say that, because we've just had a text in about it. Oh, yeah? Hi, Frank. Opposite lock club in Birmingham was just off Broad Street near the Rum Runner.

Near the Rum Runner, where they used to sit in big barrels. Yes, of course. I remember it was like a footprint. You know, like in Robinson Crusoe, the footprint on the beach. That was the symbol of the rum runner. This is fascinating stuff for our listeners. Well, this is for me, and he also remembers Holy City Zoo, and of course, I'm sure you know JB's Club in Dudley.

Who doesn't know JB's? Holy City Zoo was owned by Andy Gray. Was it? Really? That's stopped you in your tracks. And speaking of the footprints, I remember a picture of him in the Birmingham Evening Mail, Andy Gray walking barefoot down Broad Street. And it

said, what about this? It says million pound football, I walk in barefoot when there could be glass and dog mess about. Glass and dog mess was a big double act at the time, working in the clubs. And they used to stamp on people's feet for a practical joke. Isn't that what Jane Torvald calls that?

Oh, no. No, no. No, that's what Christopher Dean calls it. Oh. No. Calls his feet, I was going to say. That would have been all right. Do you want to hear how I was inspired by Lesley Ash?

We were talking about celebrities inspiring us through that book. Well, that's this morning's texting. It's things that a celebrity said or done that's inspired you to go and do something or buy something. I'm sure someone will text in about that any minute. Yeah. Well, mine, Frank, was I read an article with Leslie Ash and she said in order to

stop her eating the kids' leftovers she used to squirt a load of washing up liquid all over the food. Oh, food spoiling, Iiling i've heard about yeah yeah so i do that now that's a lovely story isn't it what goods are we talking about em no just any food okay like in a restaurant yeah i think uh no but if there's cake and i don't want to eat it so it's like put it in the bin just get rid of it yeah or put washing up liquid on it, it stops you eating it. So you don't eat it out of the bin. Yeah.

So it's what we call an eating disorder Saturday here on Absolute Radio. If you've got any terrible and dark eating disorder anecdotes, just send them rolling in on 812.15. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Bot Rogers' feeder. No, I met Bot Rogers' feeder. Seedy character he was.

Really piled on the weight. Yeah, he's killed Buck Rogers, firstly. It's all about control with those people. It's not about affection. Or just use some washing-up liquid. That's all I'm going to say, Buck. Of course. Do as Leslie did.

Frank, talking of being inspired by celebrities... Oh, the thing I did. Oh, yeah, sorry, carry on. Well, it's from Mam060. Many years ago, on the first Celebrity Big Brother, Anthea Turner showed Vanessa Feltz how to put a cover on a duvet by turning it inside out. I've done it that way ever since.

I vaguely remember that and I think it might have slightly inspired me as well. See, it's amazing, isn't it, where you can get this. I read that Elvis Presti always had his steak well done. So when I went down to sophisticated London for the first time, somebody asked, said, how do you want your steak?

I just said, well done. I've said it ever since. You also, when you first came to London, parked at Wembley because you didn't think you could drive in central London. Collindale. Collindale. Yeah, I invented basically the congestion charge. Why did you pick, you drove to Collindale, why did you pick Collindale?

I just, it was like the nearest tube station to Birmingham, I worked out, I think. And I was terrified of the idea of driving in central London. I thought I might run over a beefeater. I imagine it was heavy, heavily laden with beefeaters of men in bowler hats. Jane from King's... The only beefeater I've ever seen is a big bear,

a big teddy bear outside Hanley's The only beefeater I've ever seen is a big bear, a big teddy bear, outside Hanley's in a beefeater outfit. Not quite the right thing at all. Oh, yeah. Rubbish. I know those ones. Hello, Frank and the gang. When working at HMV in the late 90s,

Paul Young came into the store. I recommended an Emmylou Harris album to him, which he subsequently bought. So that's someone who's... Influenced? Yeah, influenced a celebrity. That's Jane from King's Heath. Fabulous.

It's a good job they didn't have a hat standing there. He could have been there for months. She did say I also asked where his hat was. Oh! You pair of jokers. One of the few job interviews i ever had in my life um i was sitting talking there was only two candidates it was a job i was never going to get at some um it was a sort of a part-time teaching post and the other guy was really experienced and that but i hated him instantly just from the look of him i could have spat in his face. Fire, if I had that capacity.

Anyway, he said he didn't want to talk in the room. And I thought, I'll make a bit of conversation. I said, where are you from? And he said, well, you know, wherever I hang my hat. And I said, what hat? Deliberately. And he went, well, no, it's like a saying. And he crumbled.

He absolutely crumbled. Oh, we crumbled. He absolutely crumbled. Oh, we crumbled. He got the job, though. He'd keep the job. Any stupid non-hat. Next. We've had some lovely emails in during the week. This one.

Oh, good. From Julia Knight. She said, I've been listening to the show for nigh on a year now, and I've heard texts to the show read out as, this is from 106 or thank you 439 and i've always thought that these were specially assigned listener numbers that must have been one or given out in a previous show yeah we did we did that quite a lot the competition the big old competition well the last show we ever ever have will just be one

enormous tombola. It'll be payback time for all our lovely listeners. No, it's because some people, for some reason, they don't want to put their names on the text, so we have to read the last three digits. And now it's caught on like wildfire. Everyone's doing it. Can I say that now I've said digits, I do feel like I've finally become a DJ at last,

rather than numbers. I've actually said digits. Also, Julia, what you've done is you've done an... Julie. Can I just say Julie? Yeah, they're very touchy Julies and Julias. Oh, they're so touchy. Oh, God. And Mayor Giuliani as well from New York.

I met him and called him Julia. He got everything. He said three strikes and you're out. Yeah. She's also done an idiotic eureka moment, which is part of the show that she's... Oh, she has, yeah, because she didn't realise what the number... Yeah, she's multifaceted, Julie.

Julie? Julie. What number should we give? We'll give her 820. Yeah, that's her number. Oh, I've told everyone now. 820. And let's have a special. Yeah. Oh, I told everyone now. 820. And let's have a special Julie night.

She called Julie night. Well, what does that involve? Julie night. We'll have a Julie night. It'll be like Crystal Nat. We'll march through the streets of London holding aloft burning torches and set fire to that big beefeater bear outside Hanley's.

I'm sick of the sight of that damn critter. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Max Clifford's on the telly. Just come out the shower, I'd say. Unless he's over-gelled. Or maybe he arrived

by sewer at this location. He's wet. He looks wet. He's eschewed the jacket because he loves a jacket normally. Well, it's summery. I'll tell you something, his garden fence could do with a bit of a creosote. Yes. If he's not careful, he's going to get weather damage on that before he knows where

he is. Oh, Clifford, he's got his head in the stars. That's it. Literally. Often. Well, I'm pleased for him. The hair's gone white. White as a sheet, Frank. But the brows are still reassuringly caramel. Yeah, it's that thing when the eyebrows hold on for grim life to youth. They can be independent creatures at the best of times. You can text us on 8-12-15 if you know any secrets about Max Clifford that we can expose.

I think it's about time there was a little bit of payback in that department. No, not really. I'm sure he's lived a life unblemished by scandal. Frank, talking about being inspired by celebrities we were earlier and we've had another fan of the Anthea duvet cover system. This is the only

influence any celebrity has had. All this thing about a celebrity culture, the one effect it's had is that people now do different duvet fittings. 017 morning, we too put our duvet cover on

by turning it inside out. We call it doing an anthea. My sister married a bloke for his money and we called it doing an anthea as well. Also she's called Anthea Turner, and she turns that on the leaps. It's almost as if she was destined to turn duvets.

She's had that in her pocket, I think, you know, seeing if things go wrong. She's had a duvet in her pocket? What's she wearing, some sort of clown trousers? I'd like to see. I actually quite like Anthea. I don't think she married that bloke for his money. If she did, he went bankrupt, didn't he, shortly afterwards. Yeah. So that was good. I actually quite like Auntie. I don't think she married that bloke for his money. If she did, he went back, Rob, didn't he, shortly afterwards?

Yeah. So that was good. I like her. So did you see in the paper, there was talk about, because they're trying to improve social mobility, the Tories. Yes. I imagine. Well, let that, yes, say that they are.

Yes, they are. And people have said that they're all very hypocritical because basically all of them have got where they are today by people helping them out in some way, usually family members, I think. We can't talk too much about any specifics because local elections are coming up. Oh, we went very political, Frank.

I like that. We're not allowed to express any bias. Who cares about the local elections? No, but Gareth went very Newsnight, which I quite liked. Oh, okay. That was good. He found it very alluring. I like him when he goes, hard news. I'm very, very happy not to talk about

anything to do with the local elections on any level. I can almost smell the primary school at the very thought of it, when you have to go in and vote with your terrible black pencil. People thinking, I'm going to go in and vote with your terrible black pencil. People thinking, maybe not give them too sharp a biro.

Sort of people that, oh, that's strange. So, yeah, so, connections. So I wondered what we thought about connections. Because I think we've all come from very different places in life. Oh, I'm liking this bit. This is like Jerry Springer's closing thought.

I'm not saying an awful lot here. I wondered what our attitude towards using connections... I wonder what my attitude is. Take a wild guess. You must have... Crank over to you first, please. You must have wanted to. I was just trying to think if my family had any connections

which have benefited me. And, yeah, sure enough, I did get a summer job at my mum's factory. Did you? Because she put a word in for it. She worked in a glass factory, not a glass factory. I wouldn't be prepared to work anywhere where throwing stones was prohibited. No, she worked in a factory that made glass and she got me a labouring.

I must have told you about when I was labouring at the... For all these middle-aged women who used to say terrible things, they went to see a male stripper one night. And the next day I thought, well, on the Monday, they'd been on the weekend. This is bearing in mind about 15 women. And I said, how was the male stripper? And this woman said, disgusting.

And she said, ignore her. She said, he put his watts in her Tia Maria. Well, I mean, what kind of a night was it that such unhygienic things went on? Horrible 80s male stripper. You see, we didn't have those little cocktail umbrellas in those days.

We had to make do and mend. I'm going to play the fall and then we can... I think we should put aside two hours for when Emily tells us about her connections. That's four US 80s, 90s. Eight earls, nine tails. That became a sort of a total Tourette's when I first heard this song.

I went around all the time going, welcome to the eight earls, nine tails. Still occasionally. Whenever anyone mentions a decade, I'm liable to go. But I'll be all right. Frank, we've had celebrity inspiration. This is from Chris and Mark at Harborough.

What kind of bed making is this gareth has inspired me to try and be more simple oh that's market harbour i like to think i inspire people to a life of simplicity is that what he meant like some i imagine so like the characters of a cc oh you've got the franciscan hoodie on today. Yeah. And also, it's a compliment because he considers me a celebrity. It's the first time that's happened. I think the whole thing is dripping in irony. It's, in one way, a text slap in the face. I could be wrong.

Wow. I'm all right with it, if it is. Don't get me wrong. It's all a bit of leg pulling. But you go down the Amish route, Gav, because that sounds like... I might go down the Amish route, actually, this afternoon. There's less traffic. Okay, you can get stopped behind a wagon.

But at least there's no moustaches. That's what I like about the Amish. They like a beard, but they will not have a moustache. They like a little pudding bowl haircut as well. Sort of an Agincourt hair. But that's a good thing. When you're shaving, you've got a nice straight line to as well. Oh, man. Sort of an Agincourt hair. But that's a good thing. When you're shaving,

you've got a nice straight line to work against. Sometimes I'm, you know, I'm nipping and tucking around the sideburns. I can't be bothered. Whereas they can. They could use... I tell you, I think Gareth looks quite armish. Chambres, chants and braces.

You can see it now. No, he looks like, in ten years' time, he'll look like the bloke from american gothic old in the pitchfork you know that famous painter yeah he's on the way there we were talking about um connections this idea oh great that people shouldn't get on i mean something imagine for example coming straight out of college and your first job interview is with the director general of the bbc could that happen could anyone have that level of connections shut up shut up it wasn't a job interview i can't believe you said that it wasn't a job interview no i just it was just a sort of you know a go see a go see the

director i can't get a meeting with the director general of the BBC and I have put 25 years of my life into this business. Well, it didn't help me. We just sort of had a nice chat. It didn't help you. Here you are. Yeah, you're right, it didn't help. What was his advice? You're not even on the BBC.

You ended up in commercial radio. You didn't say something awful, did you? No, I just... I mean, I've tried not to abuse my... I do have some contacts, OK? I do have some contacts. Yes, I accept that. In certain areas.

But it's only because they're in one area. They're in, like, the media or something. So if you had wanted to go into preaching, that's where your parents were. Well, yeah, I think the door would have been open for you. Yeah, and if I wanted to go into sheet metal work... Well, that's the thing, is that you're... I didn't want to go into sheet metal work. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it as a profession. It just been open for you. Yeah, and if I wanted to go into sheet metal work... Well, that's the thing, is that you're... I didn't want to go into sheet metal work.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with it as a profession. It just wasn't for me. Yeah, that's fine. I remember that moment when I told my dad, Dad, I don't think I'm going to go into sheet metal work. It was a bit of a tense moment. Oh, well, we'll say no more about it. Now, did you have any contacts?

Well, because when I... My dad used to, when he'd go from church to church and sometimes he'd do children's meetings and do some children's songs where there would be actions to do along with the songs like um oh suit that superman one that um who used to do that was it no agadu, not like... No, about the sort of Bible stories and things. Oh, OK.

Superman isn't in the Bible. No, I don't... Well, Jesus was a Superman of sorts. Yeah, but did he fly? I can't believe he didn't fly. He did fly. At the end. He flew up.

I'm not... Such was the pace of his upward trajectory and the fact that he never strayed off course. It was less of flying and more of a take-off. Yeah, sort of flying. So I used to do the actions. Oh, you used to? Watch a Superman.

And hold on. In the subject of celebrity contacts, where does this fit? No, but I just mean that that was the contact that my dad had because he sorted that gig for me. Okay. He sorted that out. It was all dad had. Because he sorted that gig for me. Oh, okay. He sorted that out. It was all because of who I knew, not what I knew. Well, I didn't know the action.

So that happened. Emily said to me that... Oh, Brownlee, you're going to say something. She said, everybody's got at least one showbiz contact. She said to me, your dad, you must have known, say, a journalist. My dad! My dad, he knew a few Republicans, unfortunately. They knew him too.

I'm not going to say anything. I was really straining. There's going to be a Shane Lynch for me outside. I worked at a local art centre doing voluntary work and I knew a woman who'd had a one night stand with Tony Capstick. That's it. Frank on radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a lovely celebrity inspiration story texted in from Rowena. She says, as it happens, when I was presented with, I like an as it happens as an opener. Especially if it's Jimmy Savile.

What are you saying? He's doing a Jimmy Savile impression. Do it again. I like it. As it happens. That's pretty good. I think the second one is better, I think. The first one was a bit more Johnny Vegas. That's true. I can't listen to Johnny Vegas without getting a sore throat.

I find myself straining. I do. I'm going, I feel myself gagging on him. As it happens, well, I don't know who that was. When I was presented with the choice... That's the rest of my Jimmy Savile impression. He started throwing it in. Frank.

Sorry. Just like him, though. When I was presented... Just like him, though. ...with the choice of three football teams to support, West Brom Villa Blues, I chose to become a Baggies fan because I was such a huge fan of Frank on the Madeleine Skinner show. Well, that is a lovely story, isn't it?

Yeah, really lovely. That's the best kind of celebrity influence. Much better than Pete Docherty's got people on crack cocaine across the country. Surely. More positive. There might be equal sort of level balance of misery, but at least your veins are alright. Yeah. Also,

hi Frank and the team, I just wanted to say thank you for boosting my economics grades. I started listening to the fall. I don't like where this is going. No, I don't. Is it my blackmail? I started listening to the fall after your constant recommendations and loved them. Then one economics lesson I mentioned to my friend I was excited they were doing the end of the road festival this year.

On hearing this, my teacher's face lit up knowing that one of his students was a fan of his favourite band. Ever since, because of this common musical ground, I have had straight A's. Just a minute. Can't be right. I hope he's talking about grades. But you have straight A's. With an economics teacher. I hope he's not suggesting that some sort of bond

means that the results have been... It's all about connection. Oh, I do hope so. No, I think maybe... That's how you get ahead. It's a mental uh link of some kind has made him generally better inspired frank there's one other um text that i'd like to read out which is hi frank may i suggest inmates as a collective name for all

those who text and choose to default to the last three digits of their number that's 437 suggested that that's inmate number 437. Thank you, 437. I like it. It's like calling in peddalos. Have you ever outstayed your welcome on a peddalo and they call you in? No. What's in Lindos in Greece?

I'm a stickler for rules and timings. I would never take a peddalo out for longer than I would lock it. You've got one eye on the watch? I'd be on edge. Of course he has. Can you imagine how stressed he'd be in the pedalo? Now, when I'm out there and, you know,

the swishing of the sound of the things going round, I feel like a Mississippi gambler. That's what I feel like. So there was a survey that reckoned, right, one in five Britons think that fictional characters are real. So people think that people like Sherlock Holmes and Miss Marple and Blackadder as well, they think they're real people. They're real people.

They were real people from history who have merely been presented in fiction rather than just made up altogether. Is that the same as when people go up to people from EastEnders and go, I think it's disgusting what you're doing? Is that the same thing? Can I just find people from EastEnders and go, I think it's disgusting what you're doing. Is that the same thing? Can I just point out that people don't do that? They do.

No. One of the great popular lies is people from soap operas saying, yeah, you know, I had one come up to me in the supermarket, so you lay off that, dear. Total lies. Never happens. It does happen. No, it doesn't happen.

Don't make me tell you how I know, but I do. It's a rumour put around by soap stars to suggest they're such good actors that the people have felt that they are absolutely real. Bill Roach, apparently, Willera Rocher, gets very angry about it. And if he is, it's said, he subscribes three firm strokes of the cane. I think Emily's got an interesting story she might tell us about a soap actor.

No, just I do know that that does happen to... I don't believe you. Well, I'll tell you afterwards how I know. People come up to me and say, oh, you're such an idiot. And I'm, no, that is just real. I've confused myself with a fictional character. We're talking about people like Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, some people think that Sherlock Holmes

not is real but was real presumably I watched Family Fortunes once and the question was name someone who whose existence has never been proved but who people still believe in

and these two women a younger woman and an older woman, went up to the... You know the bit when you have to hit the counter to get it? And he said, right, so someone whose existence has never been proved, but who people still believe in. And this woman went, Hitler! And he said, no, I think he did exist.

And the old woman still hadn't hit the buzzer. Anyway, she hit the buzzer. There's no need to hit the buzzer. She hit the buzzer and she said, a driving licence. Well, turns out she was answering something you'd find in a woman's handbag from the previous question. That's why, you know, I love people, but that's why you can't trust them with a capital punishment referendum.

That's what I've always thought. We only have this excellent. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank and team, I have no idea what my inmate three-digit code is. Good day to you, one and all. I can exclusively reveal your inmate code is 491. Thank you, 491.

So, were we asking whether people have ever confused fact and fiction? Yes. Anyway, we've asked it now. We're not getting people, they're not going for the phone in today. Some days, when it's sunny, I think people just want to look. I imagine many of our listeners are on a hammock now and I see them with a tall glass

with a curly straw. Those who have children probably have a bit of orange squash in there. They'll be on the treadmill by now. Yeah. I like, Frank, what they're doing is a bit more laid back, summertime, asking a very conversational tone. Frank, have they're doing is a bit more laid back summertime, asking a very

conversational tone, Frank have I missed the fall? That's one text we've had in No, no, it's only April Fine So people also I saw from that survey, people believe in Clark Kent Now that has certain implications

doesn't it? If you believe in Clark Kent mustn't you by default have to believe in Superman? Superman! Yeah. Or maybe they think the Superman is the made-up bit. Or they think that's a bit far-fetched. Yeah. And, oh, I see, they're establishing their firm group on reality

by saying, I'll accept the mild-mannered reporter, but the man of steel, no way, Jose! I mean, to be fair, I sherlock holmes i can see why they might make that mistake because they might have an address yeah but they might think that because he's dead as well they might think all sorts of things went on in 19th century victorian england yeah yeah i couldn't see that one superman uh sorry clark kent i find less yeah and who was the other one miss marple miss mar i hate it. I hate it. Elderly people go, Miss Marples. They put an S on the end of it.

They definitely don't. They do. Well, you don't. Guy, have you ever had anything like that? I was, as a child, I was very scared of lepers, which I know are... Who's he? He's not fictional. No, no, people with leprosy.

Oh, okay. I know that is a real thing. Oh, I thought that was your colloquial description of Def Leppard. Pour some sugar on me. No, I know that is a real thing, but it's not really a problem nowadays, but from both biblical stories. And there was an episode of Robin of Sherwood. Did you have to mime leprosy in one of your religious songs?

I probably did at one point, yes. Oh, it would have been a bit more insane. But there was a bit of in Robin of Sherwood once where everyone was really scared. Michael Praed or Jason Connery? I think Michael Praed. OK. And people were very scared of the lepers

and of getting leprosy, and that really frightened me. Yes. Well, I can see that. How many were there in Bournemouth? There's quite a few, actually. OK, well. Staggering around. You can't be too careful.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. So, Frank, I haven't been well this week. No, I'm sorry to hear that. I was very poorly. Thanks for your texts. Oh, you didn't send me one. Thanks, Frank, I haven't been well this week. No, I'm sorry to hear that. I was very poorly. Thanks for your text. Oh, you didn't send me one. Thanks, Frank.

Yeah, I sent one. Can I put it in? You got in there. But you know, when you're so ill, I won't tell you exactly what was wrong with me because you don't want to go into the innards. But I was so ill that I couldn't even watch telly. And surely that's one of the pleasures about being ill

is your cash in the attic, you know, all that sort of then i thought well i'm going to try and there was a new drama that i was quite excited about this week called the crimson petal in the white did you hear about it i've seen it's been it's been heavily plugged victorian sort of spooky horror goth fest okay turned it on lasted 40 seconds really wow they're getting shorter these drugs a woman in a wig you mean before you turned it off yeah oh a woman in a wig came on she had a bustle she was walking through streets she said she's dead and a tramp went ha ha ha ha oh god on. It's the life of Jack Tweed. Oh, God. Wow. That's very strict. And can I say what...

It could have got better than that. Can I tell you why? That is short shrift. I'm going to tell you why. The tramp looked like one of my parents' old out-of-work RSC friends. Probably was. Probably was. Yeah.

Well, you were saying that's why you never confused truth with fiction, because whenever you would see fictional characters, they would all be actors' friends and your parents. Yeah, around at my house drinking red wine, Sherlock Holmes and Miss Marple. So, however, it just, I don't want to see... Clark Kent. Clark Kent used to turn up. Oh, he was there, big time. He was probably on a

story. But no, Frank, nothing about that exchange would make me want to commit to that drama. No, I mean, I have been um i've turned i think i've gone sub 40 seconds have you what have you done i was uh i did it after i also starring max beasley i mean i bet we weren't 20 seconds in that's enough for me i love an instant decision like that sometimes it has to be made. Interestingly, what's it called, Crimson Petal?

Earlier in the show... Crimson Petal and the White. Shouldn't it be called the Crimson White Petals? Isn't that an odd way of saying it? Is it? No. That's a Christian band I think you worked with in the 90s. Now, Richard Wilson, you know Victor Mel? I don't believe it.

You're calling him Victor Mel? You're in all cash. Victor Mel drew Barrymore. Victor Mel drew Barrymore. believe it. You're calling him Victor Mel. You went all cash. Victor Mel Drew Barrymore. Victor Mel Drew Barrymore. That would be a good game. You have to put together celebrity names based on that crossover and then turn them into a mixed character. It's the new Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Yeah, so you'd have Victor Mel Drew Barrymore

with her brother saying, there's an alien in the shed. I don't believe it! You've got to mix. Are you with me? I love that. That sounds like a civil partnership. Yes. Well, one's male and one's female, so there'd be no need for that.

But I'm going to see how many more celebrity names I can meld. Oh, I was thinking of... Anyway, Victor Meldrew, Richard Wilson, in that celebrityity's Favourite Books, he picks The Crimson Petal and The White as his favourite book. Oh, he's probably in it then, isn't he? Yeah. I don't think he reads non-fiction.

He probably doesn't think there's any such thing as non-fiction. Come on, work it out for yourselves. No, he's a good actor, i find him extraordinarily skeptical richard wilson extraordinarily he doubts everything now i like that i'll tell you one certain turn off thing for me if any kind is any show or a book and i've done this very early on if it's set in the past and they say something about the present if a bloke says oh and I suppose you believe that one day man will

build flying machines and take to the air as soon as anyone says that I am out of there that is my absolute biggest anyway we best go Vicky Blight's next. Well, it seems we go before our horse to market. We usually follow Vicky Blight.

Oh, no, we haven't made a terrible mistake, have we? Oh, God, we got a bit mixed up. I must have been... It's 5am. I must have dipped into Vicky's pigeonhole. Anyway, you can listen to Not The Weekend podcast. You'll have to download it. That'll be available from Wednesday completely different

from this show and thank you so much for listening and as Joan Crawford said in Mummy Dearest Tina get me the axe this is Frank Skinner on Absolute

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