The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Cringing

Episode Date: April 16, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss what makes each other cringe, plus Emily tells her stories from a recent trip to New York and Frank has a spot of trouble with his bicycle.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth.

Hi, Frank. So, it's all gone off a bit in the Absolute studios. First of all, we played the wrong news intro. Although that was high drama. Yeah, producer got told off by Vicky Blight. Too much hi-hat. In a very nice way, because Vicky's a very sweet person. But I can hear, it is in the tone.

She did, she said, there's one specifically for Saturdays. Oh, God. I mean, I couldn't, I didn't know where to look. I'll be honest with you. Nevertheless, I, oh yeah, and then Emily comes in, refuses a cup of tea early on, early doors, as they say in the south east of England. Yeah. And then says, well, what did you say? I was shocked.

I just said I'm on an all white diet at the moment. An all white diet, which is the new book by Michael Barrymore. The all white diet. Yeah, it's not a kind of horrible supremacy thing. I've totally... No, it's because I had my teeth whitened. I had a procedure.

And no, my whitener was over from Vancouver, so I had to grab it. Your whitener was over? From Vancouver? Hold on, he didn't do the Vancouver Whitecaps, did he? The football team, it's all fallen into place. You see, right, your whitener

was over from Vancouver. That is the best thing I've ever heard. I wonder where my whitener is. I don't know, but I hope he shows up soon. I don't think he's taken his own life. If I went in and said could you white these i think there would be oh sorry we uh we're not we're out we're closed on tuesday sir oh i'd love you to come to

my whitener frank no that'll be yeah so when you had them white so i had the writing yesterday yeah i must say the glare i'm do we have any shades any absolute standard issue shades i could put on they're nice if you get up in the night though. I told, they're not that bad. I said don't go to Jodie Marsh with them.

No. So, fortunately he didn't. Would a man from Vancouver have got that reference? Well, he just laughs politely

anyway. Well, that's the Canadians. So, it means no tea, but it does mean no curry, obviously,

no Liam Perrins. Oh, my goodness. That would be fatal. So you've just got to be careful. You said the worst thing I could eat would be blueberries. I think, yeah. Because blueberries, I don't know about you, but if I clean my teeth shortly after blueberries,

the whole, you know, the brush is... Really? Well, it's neither hither nor nither. Oh, I can't even say it with my post-blueberry... Well... And we saved you from a lollipop. That would have been a disaster. Where sweets that all turn your mouth to colour.

But I like the idea of the all-white diet. It sounds like a piece of Roman Catholic history. The all-white diet of 1351, in which Archbishop Macintosh was found to be a heretic. And of course, let's not forget the clash. White diet, I've got a diet. White diet, I've got a rock and roll. It's all there. Well, I'm excited

by it, although I personally, I find the bleaching of teeth abhorrent and immoral. But, you know, I still... Well, we can see that every time you open your mouth, darling. But this, my teeth, I see in a way they're like a journal of my life if you look at my teeth you can see things i wondered what the writing was but you know you know when i played um stick and stone and in in the gutter i've told you before

and i stamped on it and that you can still see that chip on my teeth that is still to that chip i had for yesterday so stick and stone break your teeth yeah exactly apparently so i think it's uh it's important i think you know when people say we checked his dental records that's the old idea one's entire life is laid out in in your orals yes i can i can see that yours is it's a clean sheet it's it's year zero it's i'll say it's pol potty if you want to text us about anything including the whitening of teeth um or anything um deriding there from we are on 8 12 15 i said 8 12 15 that's uh just double double said i think it's good to do that. I'm also very worried about Imogen from

Big Brother, who has been restrained from doing a lucrative kiss and tell story. What's happened to this country? She's devastated. What's the point of going out with a married footballer with children for six months if you can't make money at the end of it?

In these difficult financial times, it's not fair. To not fair girl she's had to cut her costs and sell the story of not being able to sell her story wow i mean i mean it's obviously she's gone cliffordian well i was going to say on the bright side clifford has been able to got a chick saying that phrase he's been able to crack out a spring blue blazer yes Yes, yes. We have a Max Clifford watch on here. Whenever he appears in the papers,

we're always looking out for his garb. I'm liking him at the moment. He's gone a bit Kylie Minogue boyfriend. You know, that dark suit, white, open-neck shirt look. Yeah, that's good. But poor Imogen. I mean, never mind the bloke's wife and his children. What about poor Imogen, who can't sell her story?

Let's have a moment for her now, shall we? Hold on a minute. Let's not. Let me just take some of my white goods out of my mouth. OK. Yes? We've had some texts in, Frank. Already?

Lovely. I love it when it starts. Already? On 8-12-15. We've had a text in, re-my-whitening. This is from Dino in Erdington. Whitening, surely that's the tippex of the iceberg. Fabulous.

They're off. They're off. They're off. The listeners. Yeah. Very good. We've had Frank're off. They're off. They're off. Listeners. Yeah. Very good. We've had Frank and gang. As I can't listen to the show today,

I'll have to guess what the text in will be and hope for the best. I sprayed my ankle falling over a chair at Deepdale celebrating Stuart Barlow's second goal in Wigan's 4-1 win over Preston. I'll tune into the podcast to see if I'm correct. Matt, a.k. correct Matt aka Parisner778 erm

yeah but what's the suggestion but he's guessed the answer I guess it's some when have you injured yourself celebrating something I guess that's what he's suggesting maybe the or just injuries he's not right is he

well I don't know he's broke his ankle the poor lad well it started well it's a slight dip. A slight dip down. Personally, I'm still basking in the Vancouver Whitecaps, Jack. Nothing can rain on my parade. You're still basking in the glow of my teeth, I think. Well, that's true. Yeah. Brian...

It has gone a bit Close Encounters in here. You know that bit when the door opens? Go on, Brian. Brian, hi EFG. He's got some news about Peter the Wild. Well, he's got a suggestion. Peter the Wild. Peter the Wild, in case you don't know,

is the boy savage who was kept by George I as a pet. And he's a friend of the show. He is a friend of the show. I'm going to give him that honour. Friend of the show. Yeah. Brian was looking at something on YouTube about Peter the Wild.

And he says, yes, he says someone called Lucy explains that Peter used to wander off from the farm he was staying at, sometimes quite far. Lucy produced a collar he used to have to wear so that anyone who found him... Sorry, it was like that, so funny. I'm glad you find that funny, a small, wild child being kept on a leather collar.

It's my teeth, they make me heartless in Hollywood. So that anyone who found him could return him to the farm for a reward. It occurred to me that Peter may have been the ultimate pedestrian racer. His fellow pedestrian opponents would literally try to collar him. That's Brian from Saltburn. I like that. I like that as well. It's sort of pedestrian racing with a handbrake on, once you've got a grip of his halter.

I'm going to call it his halter, just to give it a bit of um 18th century retrospectiveness yeah why not oh good old peter the wild we're always keen to hear any peter the wild stuff you've got out there we've got our fingers on the pulse we've gone from image and from big brother already you one might argue slightly out of date because of the demise of the series that he's coming back on five but then we've uh knocked a six inch nail through it with um who probably had a six inch nail knocked through him in his time of george george the first was feeling playful peter come here um um lord buckingham will you get me a hammer and nail so i had a strange i went to a bicycle shop you may

remember i was bought a bicycle for my birthday, even though I can't ride a bicycle. That was by your manager? Yeah. And you learned to ride one, though, didn't you, as well? Well, I sort of, I'm in the process. It's a work in progress. But I was told that the bike was too big for me.

And it does look, it looks a long way down. Penny farthing? I don't know how much it costs. I never ask that with gifts but so i've got to go and get us so i went uh i went into a into the bicycle shop um that was that supplied it to try some bikes to see which one i liked so um there was one i liked i want it nice i want it so i can put my feet flat on the floor really oh yeah i can't ride a bike but i used to have one of those um do you remember those red and yellow scooters but i used to have one of those um do you

remember those red and yellow scooters that kids used to have probably a bit before your time with the big white wheel scooters i used to have one of those i used to uh i used to kids used to kneel on them do you remember that if you're going downhill you'd actually go down and kneel on the scooter just to feel that little bit closer to the pipe. I've gone kneeling on the scooter, I've gone down a hill, straight into a Catholic church, parked the side of a pew, and just gone straight into prayer, without having to change any posture whatsoever.

Anyway, the bike I liked was Saint Crossbar. Oh, okay. It was a lady bike. A lady's bike. Did it have a little basket? No, it didn't have a lady bike. A lady's bike. A lady's bike. Did it have a little basket? No, it didn't have a little basket. Streamers on the handlebars?

No, no. You're stereotyping the whole female cyclist thing now. No, but it was... Yeah, I want to go the whole hog and ride side saddle. Just two feet daintily placed on one pedal just on the side i'm loving whatever happened do people still ride side saddle on horses on horses i'll have to ask all my posh friends how do you decide which side to put your legs when you go side saddle oh i don't know i think you just leap up there and hope for the best is this a mekwai or

do you change after a bit christian you know say if you're riding into the sun yeah you're just going to get tanned on one side i think the side you get on i think the side you get on the horse you keep the legs on that side because i think it's about wearing the skirt i say it's about not having to splay your legs out you know what just You're going to sleep. I think that's what it is. I know, but don't use the word splay. It makes you feel ill. No, I don't like that. I think if the horse dresses to the left,

you put your legs to the right for balance. I always imagine that Phil Oakey from the Human League used to ride side saddle quite a bit into the wind. Started with the centre party at the beginning of the journey and the whole thing was forced, forced across to one side. No, but isn't it odd in the 21st century that that still, that the idea of a lady's bike and a bloke's bike. I've never understood why the ladies is without a crossbar

but the man has a crossbar shirt. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you'd think the other way. Yeah. Why? Well, because... Well, hold on. We'll talk about this.

I'll draw you a picture. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I was just debating the whole why women's bikes don't have crossbar things. Well, some of our listeners have texted in, Frank. I knew they would. You don't even have to ask.

It's very them, this whole subject. Yes. 6 to 8. Ladies' bikes have a longer crossbar as they tend to have a longer body than men for the same height. Do they? Interesting. A longer body than men for the same height suggests that women are short-legged, squat even, whereas I think of women with enormous long legs.

Really? In the Shirley MacLaine style. Oh. Pete the Meat from East London. I'm worried, I'm worried. Early on. I'm very worried. Well, I wonder if this is...

There was a gig in Leamington Spa that used to be... And there was a guy called Pete the Meat in that used to be, um, and there was a guy called Pete the Meat in that, and he always used to eat some meat. This is Gareth Richards' junior comic reminiscence. Sorry, carry on. He used to have a bit where he ate quite a lot of meat. On stage?

On stage, yeah. He kind of was one of the promoters. No, just it would be a different sort of cooked. Yeah. You think it could be him it could be anyway what does pete the meat have to say for himself the reason i think women do not have a crossbar is that they do not have to so they do not have to lift their leg up too high to get on the bike especially if they're wearing a skirt oh that's i think that's it he might be a carnivore but he's no no fool. Yeah, I think that could be right.

It's all about decorum. But then you get on to the other sort of... As you say, the problem with the crossbar is, for a man, there's a certain, you know, there's a threat. I mean, if you're out... Say if you was out on a late-night rodent hunt, you know. You know when you can't sleep and you think think rats and mice, that's your first thought. Well, you could, the nice thing is you could, you could, you could perch a couple of tawnies on that crossbar.

Yeah, that's true. Or a bar, a bar, snowy would be. Would they not go on the handlebar? I would put ours on the handlebar. I don't like the talon too close to my hands. I'm not saying they're deliberate. You don't mind on the crossbar? No, on the crossbar I'm all right. What I've found, I'll be honest,

I'm talking as if I've done it all the time, I've done it once. Oh, OK. And I've found that the owl nearest to me started to nestle into my lower abdomen and the other one became jealous. So there was a bit of owl friction so either one or three you remember that pg's song oh oh oh friction we're out for a

ride horrible song i've got that owl friction would have been to be out of view the whole band in a different way if they'd have had a song called Owl Friction, that'd be one of my favourite bands ever. But then, let me move this on to another. My point is that it shouldn't be wrong for me to ride a lady's bike in the 21st century, where we're supposed to be

equal. No, I would agree with you. But what about this? You will have seen my juicy couture zip top that I sometimes wear. Do you know it? Brown Velour? Yeah, I'm familiar with its work. Yeah. And I've often, well, I realised early on that it was a lady's top. It was a gift from a very dear friend of mine, but it's a lady's top.

How early on did you realise that? Because I could have told you before you even bought it. Well, I didn't buy it, i say i like i like it and i found that when i zip it is that it zips the other way around to all my other zip tops my whole selection of zip tops which obviously you know in the age of my hooded top collection is multifarious so you know it's that i didn't know that women zip the other way as well as button the other way. Oh. I don't think I was aware of that either. But you work for InStyle magazine.

I'm talking about deputy editor level. I'm not talking about someone who's pen pushing. Deputy editor level. No, but Frank, A, a lot of clothing is unisex now, I think you'll find. Although, may I just say, with regards to the juicy couture velour, I wouldn't call that unisex. You wouldn't? No, I would call that full-on wag. You've gone a bit Brummie wag.

Oh, no, I was thinking, I thought I looked like an early jailer. I think that's what I like about it. It's a matter of the... I'm still Jenny from the block. You haven't got the little tights below tracksuit bottoms to match, have you? No, no, I haven't got those. But I'm not saying I wouldn't wear them. But what's the point of women buttoning the other way?

I don't know that. Zipping seems very odd. That's to... I can't say. Really? It's not a rude thing, is it? Well, I think it is, isn't it? No.

Can it be? Oh, can we put some more music on? I was wondering... Throw us a picture now. Is it to do with riding side saddle, that you have to go the way that your buttons are... Because otherwise, if the wing gets inside the cardigan, you could be...

Well, that's true. You could be hoisted. I'm confused. Someone out there will know. I feel... I honestly think that our listeners are better than Google 116 has said

women button and zip the other way it dates back to when women had maids to dress them because that's clever yes it's the other way around it reminds me of an episode of Columbo when a man had been murdered

and then deliberately dressed in his squash gear by the murderer. I think the murderer would have been someone like Peter Ustinov. No, it wasn't. And the reason that Columbo spotted it is because the laces were tied the other way because the bloke had tied them, obviously, but the murderer had tied them. Do you see?

Wow. But that doesn't quite... Because surely men had people dressed... I'm going to play a track I really like, and then we can think some more. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Any news from the outside world? Well, we've had quite a few texts in. Some about bikes, some about little tops, some about teeth whitening. Lovely. Re-teeth whitening, circa 16th century, black teeth were considered a status symbol due to the high price of sugar, i.e. peasants had the whiter teeth. Oh, so was the Queen Mother from the 16th century. The Queen Mother's teeth, I think, were made of wood, weren't they? They always looked like they were made of wood.

I imagine that was an early dental plate. So I guess when they had doughnuts in those days, instead of licking their lips, they would leave the sugar on their lips to show how wealthy they were. It depends on the time of the year. You don't want wasps around your mouth like a park bin. You know a park bin in the summer. Park bin mouth? Oh. your mouth like a park bin you know a park being in the summer park being mouth oh um we've had some other texts in haven't we go about uh dressing nick in detroit has just said good

morning emily gareth and frank i've been in the belief that this goes back to the medieval days when all swordsmen drew with their right hand and their sword was on their left side if the buttons were opposite the sword could catch on the shirt. I like the sword catching on the shirt. That'd be a nightmare, wouldn't it, if you get your sword caught in your waistcoat. Yeah. Well, maybe so. I think I like the servant girl doing the...

It's not called my bluff. No, yeah. I think the explanation I like the best. So it's a West African flute, say, type of horse. Or it's a bouffant hairdo from the 18th century. Frank Muir. Well, I think that people turning on now will think, oh, it's some old Radio 4 archive show.

I'll settle down to this. And then we'll end up playing something like Nail and the Whale and they'll have a seizure. What else? Gareth was all over the cycles, weren't you? I was all over the cycles. Yeah. No? No.

OK. I don't think so. It's one of those moments. Frank, as a woman who rode her dad's racing bike in her younger years, I can honestly say that hitting the crossbar whilst astride the bike is agony for us too. There you go. That's from 441. Well, that's fair enough.

It's never nice to be hitting the crotch wherever you are. That's what we should learn from this. Okay. I think that's Absolute's new slogan. What's their old slogan? Is there an Absolute slogan? Absolute Radio. Yeah, but that's Absolute's new slogan. What's their old slogan? Is there an Absolute slogan? Absolute Radio. Yeah, but that's not a slogan.

It's more of a title. But I was thinking... Emerald. Emerald the producer. Do they have a slogan? Absolute. They don't. They haven't come up with a slogan yet.

I like the way in which she said no. That is not out of phoning. No. Because I don't want to be responsible for reading out stuff like... No more... more, I just said no more in the way, because it's next on the list. I'm fine with no more in the way, even though it is a bit of a biblical juxtaposition. Because obviously it was Jonah of the wise, Jonah of the art, but that's fine. What about the cringing? Oh, yeah. What about the cringing? Oh, yeah

What about the itching? Yeah, I go for itching in this studio Someone brings their dog in, don't they? Someone does bring their dog in, yeah Oh, that's Leona, isn't it? Oh Anyway Shall we carry on with the radio show at some point?

I think so, yes. So, scientists have said that cringing actually hurts. Oh, we got there in the end. You know when you're on a very long journey with your parents and you keep saying, are we there yet? It was like that. I just wanted to stop for a drink of water. Yeah.

They've said that things like, you know, how the office is very cringeworthy. Scientists have studied... Cringeworthy sounds like a character from Danger Mouse. Yeah. They've said that things like, you know, how The Office is very cringeworthy. Scientists have studied... Cringeworthy sounds like a character from Danger Mouse. Why do you think cringeworthy? Well, is it cringeworthy? What do you mean? Scientists have said that the same part of your brain that actually feels pain is activated when you cringe,

when you see something really embarrassing. They call cringing social embarrassment by proxy. So when you see something really embarrassing happening to someone else... Oh, so you're embarrassed on their behalf. Yeah, and we would say that you felt it was painful to watch. It is actually... Our brain thinks it's painful.

So cringing, in a way, is a nice thing because you're feeling for that empathetic yeah empathetic i watched um i don't know if you saw this but outside number 10 down in street they had some um sort of soccer skills demonstration and it was anything that's in the street organized by some sort of sport for all organisation that involves cones being down and soccer skills absolutely sends me into desperate cringe mode. I watched it for about four, oh my God, it was, oh, my pelvic floor was like a snare drum. It had tightened, honestly, so much. And I do get that when i when i

cringe i think it's it's it's kept my stomach in good shape all these years because i cringe at so many things it's honestly i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm rarely uh watching the telly sitting upright so many that's i'm just trying to think of some of my cringe any rapping at all done by a non-rapper absolutely absolutely unbearable that I'm a rapper Gareth

my name even that you see oh some of the oh god what about a policeman joining in with the dancing at the Notting Hill Carnival? No, I can't even think about it. Oh! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, I tell you what makes me cringe. We talked about how watching other people in embarrassing situations makes you cringe. What I do how watching other people in embarrassing situations makes you cringe. What I do is I remember my own embarrassing situations and cringe. Sort of seeing myself in a little embarrassing film of my life. His voice has gone a bit froggy and clear. Sorry, yes, go on. No, I liked it. I like to see how long you can go.

You know when you get a newsreader and the throat starts to go and you think, oh, I hope there's no video for another minute and a half. And they go... Oh, I love it. I'm worried this story might be a bit cringey in itself, but I'm going to plough it.

Let's hope so. It's an example of cringiness. We've all cringed on so many levels. We had the health visitor around recently to come and see Ethan. They check out your house, make sure everything's in order. Ethan is Gat's small child.

That's right. They check out your house for what? To sort of see everything's safe and to see that every health is okay. Do they really? Yeah, Ethan's health is okay. What can happen in a bungalow? In a bungalow? Well, you can fall down the floor.

Fall into the loft. Oh, yeah. Is there a loft in the bungalow? Yeah, there is. Then it is no bungalow, sir. Why, you lie to me, sir. It ain't no bungalow yeah the one then it is no bungalow sir why you lie to me sir take no bungalow at all there's no steps you need steps yeah but when people have their life converted no i'm just going to do one story oh okay um we had the health visitor around and um we were a little bit worried about the potty because we'd bought

him a potty he's not potty training yet i thought you meant if he found your stash of potty because then the child might be taken away if you're right if you're the drug addict i was we won't because we we've been we've been getting ethan to sit on it to prepare him for potty training and it doesn't seem quite big enough for the potty the potty he's a big child he's a big child and we're worried that maybe we've got a small potty so we showed her the potty and laura we didn't know how to say we think he might be a bit big for it and um laura said oh and you know we don't know about um and and the health visitor said oh no it's fine for them to sit at that age they'll learn to do it standing up later and it assumed we were worried about him standing up going into the for the toilet in the potty and um but you were worried about

dimensions we were worried about something else and i the fact that she thought we were we were really worried that he wouldn't be able to go to the toilet standing up oh that makes me cringe i think it's quite a wistful tale when he was telling that anecdote he his whole body changed i don't like being misunderstood that woman is going to go on for the rest of her life thinking that we were worried about whether he'd be able to go to the toilet standing up but we weren't hope didn't you say we're not worried about him going to the toilet standing up mrs edwards that's what i should have done yeah but now you've let it go

can I just do one other thing that makes me cringe any sort of light hearted 1950s tribute anything like men in teddy boy suits and those sort of Elvis top of the heads you know what I mean it's not like a wig it's like a full top of the head I hate that

I once saw Brotherhood of Man and they did a Greece medley. And I don't know about any... Medleys in general make me cringe. Well, any rendition of Greece Lightning makes me cringe in the extreme. And I watched, and to see Brotherhood of Man do it, I remember thinking to myself, I actually said to the person next to me, perhaps not completely appropriately, how the

mighty have fallen. Not often said of Brotherhood of Man. I think it's true to say. It's the end of the world, R.E.M. Can I establish that it's not a, that wasn't a newsflash? Somebody tuned in then, it's the end of the world. I mean, before I'd said R.E.M., they could have been out doing whatever people would do if they thought it was the end of the world.

I know what I'd do. I'd be straight to the cake shop. Yeah, because I think nothing could stop you then, could it? And what I'd want is one of those eclairs, those sort of chocolate eclairs. Oh, I love an eclair. But there's ones that have got sort of, they're sort of closed rather than open. You know, some have got a slight split in the top. I know exactly what you mean. But some are completely closed, and I like those.

I like the chocolate on the top of them. It's not like normal chocolate. It's like sort of molten plastic. They're verboten to me at the moment, though. Oh, they are. Whilst I'm on the all-white diet. Oh, yes, strictly verboten. You have to suck the insides out.

Yeah. Yeah, you could have the cream. I can't have the chocolate, unless I'm a medieval peasant with all chocolate teeth. Oh, it'd be awful. What are you looking at me for? I did look at you, actually. You did immediately. Oh, Frank.

I love your teeth. You don't. No, I don't. Steve from Leeds. Yes. Morning, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Giant inflatable snowmen and Santas outside people's houses at Christmas make me cringe. Yes. Those people who really go Christmas make me cringe. Yes.

Those people who really go for it on the Christmas front. That's something I like about it. Often with a cringe, it's a borderline thing for me. Yeah. 886 says, hello, standing next to someone in a self-served tilling supermarket when the lady in their computer screams, card not accepted. Ouch. She doesn't say it like that.

Can I do it how she says it? She says, card not accepted ouch she doesn't say it like that can i do it how she says it she says um card not accepted very good thank you should do voiceover just for that you said that in quite an angry way very good should do voiceover yeah you can see another career for um you could do voiceover actually, actually. Oh, thanks. Don't tell Sandy War. Chris in Sibford, feeding cattle. I suppose for you TV and radio types it's normal, but for us mere mortals, hearing your own voice played back to you is truly horrible.

Now, that's funny, Frank, because one of my cringe-worthy moments is when someone uses the phrase, us mere mortals. I just can't bear it how brilliant that someone has sent in a cringe text which includes a cringe oh but he's i don't mean to be horrible chris good luck with the cattle yeah although you couldn't say you're still feeding cattle without a little bit of content no i thought that was a lovely sort of Richard Breyers moment there. Absolutely. Someone's got to feed the cattle, or...

Where are the meat medallions going to come from? In restaurants? I love a meat medallion. The first time I had one of them, I was so disappointed it wasn't on a string. They don't think it through. So, Emily's been on another one of her big fashion trips I've been away I've been to New York

I love that people pay for you to go to these things it's exciting isn't it well no this wasn't one of my fashion you don't know much about it no no this was personal oh was it single paid well yes in a way oh sorry if I ask quite the wrong question

Emily goes to Nework this time it's personal yeah this was a personal trip yeah oh i didn't realize that well i've i've made something of a fool of myself however i will continue hold on oh just cringe oh frank don't cringe i'm just sort of another cringe but i'll tell you later okay um yeah so i was so i went away but things weren't very good when i arrived because i arrived at customs i was only there for about four or five days um and i arrived with friends one of my friends was a celebrity you might be able to guess who it is bob hoskins yes um oh god i was gonna go i honestly harry when i are you? When I arrived at customs,

when I arrived at customs, we got sent into this strange channel which said diplomats. I don't know why I ended up there. Diplomats? Yes. Wow. But then I was feeling all really pleased. This was cringe.

This was so cringe. I'm feeling so pleased I'm in the diplomatic channel. Oh, yeah. Who wouldn't be? And the guy, as I arrived, the guy says to me, are you a diplomat, ma'am? I said, no. You should have said that's a bit of a person.

Move along, my man. And then he would have assumed that you were. You should never ask a lady if she's a diplomat. I said, no. He said, are you a VIP? I mean, really? He wasn't very diplomatic when he was on the diplomat queue. I said, not really. Oh, Emily Dean. I said... He wasn't very diplomatic when he was on the diplomat queue.

I said, not really. Oh, not really. Well, I was trying to be British and self-deprecating. That's very modest. No one likes to call themselves a VIP. Yeah. Well, I know people who do, and actually Emily would have been on that list.

So he said... I don't like not really. I remember having a conversation with someone once, and they said, oh, God, have you ever walked in a pine forest at, like, you know, very, very early in the morning and smelled a pine? And this guy said, not really. And I said, well, what do you mean by that?

Have you walked sort of mid-morning in a pine forest or have you just walked early but only around the periphery of a pine forest? And he thought I was being pedantic. Well, then he said, Frank, he said, what do you do? Oh, well, that made me all stressed. Well, by that point, I thought, well, I have to say something slightly celebrity-based, otherwise he's just going to

completely reject me down from the diplomatic channel. So I said, well, I work on a radio show. I named it the radio show. Isn't that awful? Cringe? God bless you, but I couldn't see it. Which airport was this? This is Kennedy. this is jeff k yeah i i don't think that's got much uh paul has it there the uh i said i work on a radio show he went oh really are you a celebrity i don't know he went you work on a radio

show and you're not a celebrity why not which i i'd like to ask that question to you actually that's the phone in the That's the text in. The text in, sorry. We don't want people phoning. I don't think we have the facilities here at Absolute Radio. No, I don't think so. No, but we don't want people phoning. I don't think we have the facilities.

That is the Absolute Slogan. Someone sent in the Absolute Slogan, didn't they? Yeah, they did. There is one. What was it again? Discover Real Music, I believe it was. Discovering Real Music, yes. Not Discovering, don't add the ink

discover real music it's more of a command yeah and it suggests some sort of conspiracy with fake music there's a lot of fake music out there you know there's a lot of stuff that um we don't play an absolute radio which i'm glad we don't play let's put it that way i don't want to name names we play music which is proper from the very core of the soul music let me let me give you an example well frank i want to carry on talking about new York, but I'm a bit torn because we have had some good cringy emails. Well, let's hear those cringy texts. Having to sing Auld Lang Syne, especially with the arms crossed, shaky arm thing.

Yeah, that... See, I like an Auld Lang Syne, and I like the arm crossed, but I always sense that people either side of me, I can feel a cringe. I can feel it like an electrical current. Because I will impose an Auld Lang Syne. Oh, really?

Oh, do you? You seem an Auld Lang Syne imposer. Yeah. Well, I always think that you could go horribly wrong if you don't start it with an Auld Lang Syne. My dream was to... Do you remember that... Where's your mama gone? Do you remember that song?

What was the name of that band? Piketty Witch, was it? I can't remember that um where's your mama gone do you remember that song what's the name of that band uh pickety witch was it i think it was the lead singer of that um had that thing you know people used to be allergic to the 20th century they had that thing they had that plastic and everything oh like the one in the bubble the boy in the bubble they used to say they were allergic to the 20th century so my dream was to do old Lang Syne at her house as the year 2000 came in. And as we're doing it, she emerges from the bedroom going, oh, God, I feel so much better. That would have been one of the great talking points of ever.

I don't believe allergic to the 20th century. I think that's emotional. Just like lactose intolerance. Oh, sceptical, sceptical. Frank, we've also had, no name I'm afraid, but 437 describes this as the annual cringe fest. A bunch of TV newsreaders on stage dressing like rock stars and headbanging. Yeah, I know. Oh, I can't bear that, Frank.

Are we talking children in need? I think we are. I think children in need, I think, has quite a big edge over comic relief on the cringe. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're more at home in a nylon wig and a badly fitting T-shirt and a bucket for children in need. It's sort of a...

Can I say, there is times when cringing, something can be on the verge of making you cringe and making you sing out loud with joy. There can be those things. I went to this do and it was to, I'd got a book coming out and it was like an enormous book launch for all these books that had come out by the same publisher. So there was loads of people there who'd got books out.

And we all had to go up and talk for about five minutes about our book and explain what it was about and be light-hearted and hopefully get a few laughs. And Chris Eubank got up and several people, me and Bob Harris, even Anne Robinson had done light-hearted speeches. It was lovely. He got up and read a selection of poetry from the First World War. And I cringed, but I also, in the midst of my cringe i punched the air because it was it was it was a four week each he treads a fine line at the best he's often in the in cringe territory but i thought his his head appeared above the parapet of greatness so had he released

a collection of them or what he got to do with it no he did the naming of parts i remember was the one that sticks in my mind because i remember the end of parts um was it was it was like a fabulous um handles water music type display of saliva it was uh dolce decorum eft but i think exactly i might have even done that but there was it was that moment when when uh cringe moves into greatness oh i loved it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, can we straighten out one of the most crucial things that's come up this morning, which was the Where's Your Mama Gone song, which was Chubby Chubby Cheep Cheep.

Yes. It was sung by Middle of the Road, not Piketty Witch. You're right. Jan says. Not me. Not me, it's Jan. Once I've met her, I've met a very great fool of myself but you know um that's because i'm discovering real music sorry yeah seth the posty and solihill says the most cringeworthy thing is people who say for my

sins after things oh i hate for my sins you know know what I really, what makes me cringe? In any way, shape or form, when people say that. Oh, I don't like that. I thought you were actually saying that and I cringed a bit. Oh, no, I'm cringing now at the thought that you actually thought I said it. As an example, it was an example of a cringe. When I was in New York, I'll be saying that a lot over the next few weeks, get used to it. When I was in New York, i had a singing waiter and that made me cringe so i was in a diner and you'd be sitting there and then he'd be wandering off and

you'd say oh what are the specials go i'll be back with you in one moment ma'am and then he'd be singing the boogie woogie bugle boy over there and then i wanted to ask him for another coffee and he was mid-performance he was was singing, don't stop believing. Can I get a refill over here, please? Oh, it was awful. Oh, I wish you'd sit. Look, forgive me for topping your cringe story, but I was in a bar, well, a sort of cafe in Euro Disney.

Yeah. And the staff got on the bar and did Grease Lightning. So, obviously, I couldn't swallow. I mean, I was so contracted i looked like do you remember the bloke on um tfi friday whose stomach looked like an elephant do you remember that he's not that bad no he's he's uh oh no no the polka dot conceals it yeah um i know i know it was pretty cool unique that's what my stomach went like it was as tense and as tight as it's ever been. Oh, it's awful, that kind of thing.

Chris says, I don't know about cringing, but listening to Gareth saying the word potty in that slightly childlike way makes me angry. In my defence, it's difficult to say potty in a very grown-up way because we don't often use that word in grown-up society. Is there a sort of... I know the meme, because I reprimanded a guy for using the word kiddies.

Oh, you know, the thingies with kiddies. And I said, oh, God, you call them kiddies. And a few people went, oh, come on, what's wrong with that? And I got sort of as if I was being an old curmudgeon. Oh. But no, parties, kiddies, righty. Sorry, no, not righty. Righty is absolutely, that's a brilliant thing to say.

No, but people with kiddies do tend to say, use a slightly childlike way sometimes. It's true, it's true. You lose the grip on what's appropriate to talk about in society. That's true, as my whole potty story. What did you think, by the way? Did you think, because you've gone for a quite trad name with Ethan. Ethan.

Because Mylene Class had a baby, she called it Hero. Yes. And some people were quite critical of it, Frank. What will its surname be? Not Class. Hero Class. No, it won't be Class. Hero Class.

She could have called it Business. Oh, I'd call her Child Bat. Yes. Love it. I think people are divided between the people who think we don't need another hero and people who have been holding out for a hero. Yeah, that's true. I'll tell you what, I'm looking forward to the headlines.

If in some future, say in 18 years' time, he gets dumped and the woman who dumps him then goes out with the Hollywood actor Zero Mostel. That would be... It wouldn't be that easy because Zero Mostel died, I believe, in the 90s. But even so, maybe there's a Zero Mostel Junior the way they do that. That makes me cringe

a bit. Earl J. Waggon on the third, that kind of. There's been a bit of a theme about baby feeding this week in that people twittering babies being mentioned in people's twitter feeds because i'm what's it meant baby feeding oh i know that's what i'm yeah oh okay um because it's called twitter feeds and then we're there um i um mylene defended because people said the name was bad on Twitter Hero The internet is a place to say what you hate

I sense you're liking Hero aren't you? I think it's lovely She said it was from Much Ado About Nothing because that's her favourite character I think that lets you down If you're someone Are you cringing Frank?

I thought it was a motto for life Sorry carry on I think that lets you down. If you're someone... Are you cringing, Frank? No, no, I'm all right. I thought it was a motto for life. Sorry, carry on. I'm sure, like, because she's of the age where the film of Much Ado About Nothing has come out with Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson, I think it just makes you seem, yeah, that's where she's got it from. Yeah.

Not that... I wish she'd have opted for Titus Andronicus. Titus Andronicus class is something I would like to fly on a plane. What do you think of Belle Baldwin? Who is that? That's Holly Willoughby's new baby. Oh, I thought it was someone who ran a factory on Coronation Street. The progeny of Mike, I thought.

I don't know about Belle Baldwin. Is that after Stanley Baldwin? She's quite a fan of his. That's what I heard. I think it is, yeah. And Alexander Graham Bell, because she's done a lot of failures over the years.

She's, I think that's all right. Didn't she, she was Twitter involved, wasn't she? Yeah, no, she was as well. Both Fern Cotton and Philip Schofield were tweeting heavily about her baby. You went a bit like a tabloid journalist, were tweeting heavily. I like that. Oh, Philip Schofield, I'm not sure about Philip.

What do you mean? The white hair. Silver Fox? I don't like that. It's white, though, isn't it? It's Cliffordian, is what it is. It's very Marie Antoinette. I think he's still reeling from that time the French mob

threw vegetables at his overly ornate stagecoach, Philip Schofield. That's the look he has about him. No, I don't know. The whole Holly, Willoughby, Fern, Cotton. I mean, wouldn't you want to be a fly on the wall when they just sat around and chatted, what that would be about?

Well, you can read it on Twitter. Yeah, so what did they have to say about the Labour? I mean, what's to say? She's sweating up. No news yet from at Holly Wills. Was one of them, Phillips Gofield's ones. No news yet. No news yet.

That's kind of how I imagine the conversation would be going, the three of them in a room. Well, no news yet. Hey news yet. Don't you? That's kind of how I imagine the conversation would be going, the three of them in a room. Yeah. Well, no news yet. Hey, speaking of the news, I saw this dog on a skateboard at the end of the news the other night. Oh, Philip, you never. Oh, sacre bleu, but the mob, they don't understand.

Versailles, we must leave. We're the way. Anyway. For my sins. I bet Pippi likes her for my sins. Let's not go into Philip Schofield's sins. We'll be here all day. So I don't like the idea of a birth on Twitter, though.

Although I have to say, in the off chance I have a child, I have already done a deal with MySpace. Have you? Really? As a comeback? That's great, Frank. I'm fighting for MySpace. Shall we make it cool again? Yeah, I think it's... We're the people to do it, let's face it.

I think it's the Matalan of the social networks. That's the slogan that they should get. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in about cringing from John from Manchester. I get a massive cringe when you ask someone what job they do and they answer, I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. Also. You're right.

Hold on a minute. There you go, that was a cringe, live cringing here on Absolute Radio. The home of real cringing. I always wish those people would actually kill me. That's the point of the conversation. But before they say it.

John from Manchester also says he once heard Bruce Forsyth use the phrase bra and panties on air once and he's never been the same since. Isn't that horrible? At least it was on air. It's not the thing you want to hear him say if he suddenly sat next to you, or surprisingly on a train, say he was on his way back from the toilet, and it was just an opportunist moment. And he just sat down and went,

bro, I'm panties. Pete in London also says that business meetings do slightly cringe at the go-round-the-table self-introduction moment. Oh, I feel sick thinking about it. I don't know, I don't really have business meetings. No, you don't have. People do that for you.

It's horrible. People do it for me? Yes. Yeah, I send sick thinking about it. I don't know. I don't really have business meetings. No, you don't have. People do that for you. It's horrible. People do it for me? Yes. Yeah, I send a man in to do my name and what I like. I'm frank and I like tennis. Is it that kind of thing? Yeah, you just say where you're from and who you are. Do you have to say any likes, your interests or any little...

No. You have to say what you do. I thought people said their brand. Do you know what I mean? My brand. Yeah, you might say your brand as well. What is your brand? InStyle magazine is my brand.

No, but people have like a little slogan. Oh, I see. My personal brand. Yeah. Miling class. What do you do about nothing? Philip Schofield let them eat cake. Everyone else, they're...

Emily Dean. Hidden Shallows. Yeah. Hidden Shallows is great. yeah that's me it's my brand gareth richards live your dreams dream your life huh what's that i don't know really that's a weird brand i could imagine that on sportswear so frank when i was in new york again i will be saying this quite a lot i'm getting jet lagged this morning i'm in new york so much one thing that i did find quite stressful was staying in a very um well not staying in a nice hotel that aspect wasn't remotely stressful no but staying in a hotel that was a bit cool and young and trendy

so when you go to the lobby it's a bit like a nightclub there's like a well it is a nightclub essentially it's a very cool bar where people come in and out of and i didn't like that because i felt quite stressed every time i'd come down i'd come down to reception and i don't want to ask for a map or something i think i have to do my hair and makeup i don't quite it's not good i think you need those areas to be separate i don't i don't want to live in a nightclub when i'm there for a week because i don't always look great believe it or not no i can i can sympathize i stayed in a place called the high hotel h.i yeah in in nice and uh oh god it was trendy oh it was so trendy that they had um cds that you could borrow in the uh in the foyer and i thought well i'll go and get some there might be something i like so there were there were very sort of obscure dance type things that

meant nothing to me but i picked them up to check them out but it was so gloomy in there because because light isn't very cool and of course so i'm holding holding these very, very trendy CDs at arm's length for a start-off so I can read the small print. But I'm looking around the ceiling for a pool of light. So eventually I find like a spotlight and I'm standing and you just think, that man shouldn't be even touching that CD if he can't read without bright light and some sort of extended arm. Yeah. Oh, man, it is difficult. Me and Laura also went away this week for a short break.

We didn't go quite as far as New York. Oh. We booked somewhere close by, because it was the first time leaving Eton overnight. Oh, well, I think we should have the travel before. Oh, yeah. This sounds to me like... Oh, how tropical the travel, Frank.

This isn't a... It's not a remark. It's an adventure. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That was Paul Simon. You can call me Al.

Well, 977 says this song makes me cringe. Oh, well, sorry for any Paul Simon, you can call me Al. Well, 977 says this song makes me cringe. Oh, well, sorry for any Paul Simon fans. But, yeah, it doesn't make me cringe as much as... No, I can't say it. I will say. I think it's the Jim Proudfoot trailer when he talks about urine. I can't.

Oh, fine. I think it's a mistake. I'm sorry. What is this? 491 says I cringe at bare feet. no put them away bare feet depends on the bare feet i don't like a hairy toe on a man but some women's feet are beautiful they're like alabaster frank uh craig says i cringe when aspirational reality tv programs play m people search for the hero or christina aguilera You Are Beautiful No Matter What They

Say Whilst Morbidly Obese People Cry Their Eyes Out. That's from Craig. Looking forward to the Britain's Got Talent series starting tonight there Craig. If you're beautiful no matter what they say, probably not beautiful.

I'm all body fascist Gareth over there. I can find beauty in everyone, I like to think. That's what I like to think. Gareth, whilst I was talking about New York and Frank was talking about some posh hotel somewhere. Nice. Yes, Nice. Where were you talking about?

We went to the New Forest. That's okay, Frank. It's quite a big area but um we knew it was we didn't want to go too far away because it was the first time we left our son ethan by himself with um my parents you weren't tempted by disneyland okay um and um so we put it in the sat nav where we would go 17 minutes away minutes, that's what I call a dirty weekend. Sorry, am I imposing a dirty weekend on you? No, it was a Monday through Wednesday.

Oh, OK, but it was filthy. Oh, disgusting. OK. Well, no, actually, it was quite... Because one of the stipulations that Laura had for where we stayed is she wanted to have... She had stipulations? Yes.

She's a teacher, they always have stipulations. She wanted to have a bath. OK, about time. So whatever you were going to do she felt there'd be a need to marinate afterwards well goodness me before um no because well no because with when you've got a young child there's just no time for a bath there's no time to relax and have a bath i see just have short sharp showers i never i never thought of that yeah so and so we arrived in the room no bath i phoned ahead to check there was a range of bath what happened um well i suddenly i felt the the the um pressure to complain effectively and me and laura asked ourselves what would emily? Did you? In this situation. Oh, so how was the ritz? Did you enjoy it?

So we went somewhere much better. No, we didn't. No, we stayed. No, we took... But didn't you complain? I phoned up and she said, oh, sorry, we haven't got any rooms with bars. I'd move if I could, but there aren't any. I don't believe that.

I think she was swabbing you off. That made me... I complain as a matter of course. When I get to a hotel, you know, you're meant to do that. I think she was swabbing you off. I complain as a matter of course. When I get to a hotel, you know you're meant to do that. When you get to your room, there'll always be a better room. Always. You just say, where would Madonna stay if she was staying here? And then you say, well, I happen to know she's not in town.

Can I have her room? Well, I went out with a woman exactly like that. When we checked into a hotel room, I didn't even take my coat off. I knew it would just be a matter of time. So did they bring a tin bath up for you? No, well, the first night, I went down and spoke to her personally and said how important it was. But I think they really didn't have...

But the next night they gave us the bridal suite. Oh, that's nice. Which did have a nice bath, so it did pay off the complaint. Oh, I don't know. That high hotel I stayed at, I booked a suite when we got there. It was just a small room and I said oh I don't care you know it'll be fine and then we'd been there four days and

someone said you enjoying your suite I said well thank you for mentioning it but it's not actually a suite and they said oh no you've also got the room next door which was another small room and there was no adjoining door what you've given me is two rubbish seats and they said no so we explained it I said you didn't what you've given me is too rubbish. And they said, no, so we explained it.

I said, you didn't explain it. Oh, it's a suite. And they said, oh, and I thought, they're going to come up now with the bridal suite, the presidential. They said, well, would you like a bottle of wine? Oh, dear. That's going to help. Never mix the grape and the grievance. That's mine. Anyway, you can

download Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday morning and beyond that, obviously. Ben Jones is next. This is Paolo Nettini with 1010. I thought it was the Her J. Who did that? Tina, bring me the axe. LAUGHTER of the X.