The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Decade Defier

Episode Date: October 1, 2011

Frank has a mozzie problem, Emily has an encounter with a decade defier, and the team discover a listener's cockerel crush.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. This is Frank Skinner. Hello, Mr Radio. On Absolute Radio and all its manifestations.

And I'm here with the cockerel. Some call him Alan Cochran. Not Frank. And Emily Dean. Oh, how marvellous. So, I suppose I should welcome our new listeners, because as well as in our usual slot, we're going out across all the Digi channels.

The 80s, 90s... And noughties, and is it classic rock? Is that what it's called? Marvellous. We've had a text in already. We've had a text in on 8-12-15. It's from 131, one of my regulars. Oh, yeah.

He says, Frank, are you wearing an RAC sweatshirt? Are you having a breakdown? Are you having a breakdown is good. I like that. I like that. And, of course, I have certain AA affiliations as well. Now, I got in this morning. I know it's a lovely warm day outside in London.

The air con was fierce in the Absolute Studios. And I was in my summer clothes. So I saw a RAC fleece on the back of a chair. I believe it belongs to Maggie from Christian O'Connor's Breakfast Show. It smells of French parfum. You stole it, essentially. No, I borrowed it. I think, you know, she should...

Some people would kill for a bit of my DNA around the armpits. So it could be an eBay classic. But, yeah, so I am I do look a bit Chuck Norris resting between shots on Enter the Dragon The producer compared you to Robbie Savage's complexion this morning your jacket Yeah because someone pointed out that Robbie Savage on Strictly Come Dancing had got

bright sort of got orange skin and very white teeth and I've got I'm the other way around I have very, sort of got orange skin and very white teeth. And I've got, I'm the other way around. I have very white sort of, I believe my skin complexion is described normally as brie. And my teeth have got, are orange. They don't glow, they simper. But that's about, I think that's about all I have in common with Robbie Savage, the Noble Savage, as I

like to call him. So, yeah, so I should thank Maggie for Jackie, and it's snog. Will you leave her a little thank you note? I'll leave her a, it'll be salt based, but I will

leave her a thank you now. Anyway, we can't sit here... You know, we've got these people on their absolute 90s. They're always in a bit of a rush, apparently. Actually, they're not. I think of them as very backward-looking. But I suppose that's inevitable. One problem I have today is, as this show is projected to the other things,

and I talk about the music I've played, it'll be different music, so I might have to be a bit careful about that. I might have to be a bit generic. Oh. A bit generic Cantona. That's the way I'm looking at it. I think I might put the collar up on me RAC fleece.

Oh, it's already on. Oh, I wish you wouldn't. Oh, I had to. It's been a strange week. I live in an apartment, I'm calling it an apartment because it's more syllables than flat. And I

was lying in bed in the middle of the night, in the darkness, and I heard just go past my ear. You know, when you're abroad or somewhere, that is the most nightmarish sound, because you think, oh no, mosquito in room.

And I sat bolt upright, as they say. It was just, the only time, the only way one ever sits up in bed is bolt upright, in my expression. In my experience. And I put the light on, and my girlfriend, Kat, said,

oh, you put the light on! And I girlfriend, Kat, said, Oh, you've put the light off! And I said, there's a mosquito in the room. She said, no, there isn't! Put the light off! I said, there isn't! So she'd obviously done a quick scan of the room and decided that there was. So I lay in bed then thinking, could I ever imagine?

Was that at the tail end of a mosquito-based dream? And as I lay there, I wouldn't say I was bonged up, but you know in the night, what with the bed mites and all that, you get a little bit mucus-y. And I was, I could hear my nose, you know, and it was slightly going,

on the, On the... Oh, a whinnying. A whinnying horse. I thought, oh, my God, I've been frightened by my own nose. Oh, no. That's fine. It's a Daniela Westbrook moment. And I get this sometimes.

Sometimes I'll wake up in the night and I'll hear... It it'll be little to my to my little sorry i'm finding uh digital speaking a bit more complicated i think i think i'm having those sort of pick those blocks of pixelation that you sometimes get on the lesser channels on tv when i said the lesser channels i mean the ones when people are going, come on, guys, call us now, need a phone call. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, so... You were doing the whinnying noise. Sometimes I wake up in the night and I'll hear,

and it's actually cats breathing through a nose I'm hearing, but I think, oh, my God, there's someone downstairs. How loud is she? And they're on a rowing machine. They're taking it quite easy, but they're obviously warming up in case there's a physical altercation. If I go down. We don't have a coal fire in the bedroom,

so the poker opportunities are slim in the extreme. And the other thing, Kat said to me, there won't be a mosquito because we're on the 11th floor. And is there a... do they have a height limit how high will that mosquito go that that's this morning so i'm texting lighted creatures aren't they i'm sorry they are flighted creatures they are they are flighted is flighted the right word i'm going i think they're slightly fluted as well, just out on the one side. Although this does make me think, you know, when you're on the motorway and it says, like, there's cattle for two miles or something,

when there's an animal on the motorway and it sort of says animals for two miles, I always think, how do they know to stop at the extra bit? When do the animals decide to turn back? How do they know that it's only two miles? Do you see what I'm saying? I do, yeah. Right. Do I look confused?'m saying? I do, yeah. Right. Yeah, do I look confused?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry. Similarly, the mosquitoes, are they going up to 11th floor and going, right, stop here, because we know we get dizzy at 12? Well, personally, if I was a mosquito hungry for blood in the early hours of the morning, my search would be mainly horizontal. You've got more chance of finding people on a horizontal search

than you have going just straight up. But anyway, so it was all imaginary. Oh, was it? Did you get bit? Or, or, or was it? Well, eh? Or was it? You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was some music from the 90s there. Just helping him with the edit.

You know what you could do, because it's going to be different music, you could do almost a catchphrase of my mum's when we're on the phone. You can tell that she's getting a bit fed up of being on the phone because she'll just go, so that's that. And that basically means this chat's over. I'll make a note of that. Yeah, so that's that I'm going to make a note of that. Yeah, so that's that. They also say...

Are you really making a note of it? Yeah, that'll do, that'll do. They say, I'll let you go, I'll let you go. Yeah. Well, they always say that to me. Aww. Well, they're more for them. That's what I say.

So tell us about these mozzies, Frank. Well, so anyway, so I'd had the imaginary nose-simulated mosquito experience. When I woke up the next morning, I'd been bitten. No. No, that can't have been my nose. So, unless it was some attempt to spite my face. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so I'd been bitten on the left thumb.

So it turns out the calf had also been bitten on that same thumb that night. That's very suspicious. It is. It's weird. It's like I'm starting to think there could be an alien element to it. Or maybe we'd been dreaming that we were doing synchronised hitchhiking. But I don't know. Maybe we were just reassuring each other in the night. And because the thumbs were up

rather than go to duvet level but there's no explanation you see I was bitten as well this week Frank and yes but they tend to go, well they always go for the same area and it's my I don't know about you I'm on the edge of myself

I was sweating enough in my RAC fleece. Without rude talk. He won't take it off, he's committed to it for the morning. They do go for the sort of bootalicious area. Do they? Yes, they do. They like it. Yeah. More to love. That's why they like it.

Well, it is, it's a feast. Yeah. But it can't be the same mosquito now, can't it? Because it can't have a taste for... Are you suggesting I'm easy? How dare you? You must have heard of the Indian thumbs and bums mosquito.

Thumbs and bums? Yeah, they're well known. It's not the same flavour, surely. Like, surely a thumb would be a bit of a bony bit, and then the bum would not be so. If you'll forgive me. Yeah, but it's blood thereafter. Oh, right. Fair enough. That, I believe, is the catchphrase of the mosquito community.

I don't like this heatwave, though, Frank. In fact, I'd rather not talk about it any more. It's really depressed me. I'm seeing it as what they used to call a Brucey bonus. I'd cracked out the opaques. I was all prepared. Oh, that's was all prepared if you've laid your clothes out exactly this evening that is a nightmare is it after labor day that you can get the opaques oh you're learning and i love it it's about fashion now who could work with you and not

know about fashion says the man in the orange rac well that's how that phrase will go now you can't crack out the rac fleece until after Labour Day. I don't know if you can ever crack it out unless you're on a job. Oh, fact. Hold on, I think there's a spark plug in the pocket. Do they still exist? Well, we had a... No, that was a genuine question.

Do they still use them? I remember it from my early driving days, but they've probably been replaced by a computer microchip. This is one of those moments, isn't it, where we're going to get to say modern cars now. We probably don't have spots. It's all computer, isn't it? Yeah, the brain of the car.

Do they still get a bit of dirt in the carburettor? Do they still get that? I'm out. I'm officially out. It's been years since I've heard the hiss of a slightly slipping fan belt. Oh, is it? That was one of the few problems I recognised in a car. Car a good pass. That's a fan belt.

But, you know, it used to tip the tights off. Do you remember that? Tip the tights off. Oh, yeah. All those days ago. There'll be mechanics now listening to this in some sort of, in the grease shop, which is, obviously they'll be doing white lightning. And they'll be saying, what?

What is this? Is there still spark plugs? What's happened to the world? Or they'll be watching the rugby. I suspect they'll hear soon. They'll be quite male. Whether or not spark plugs are still existing, I think the Oracle will let us know shortly.

Yeah. That'll come in from the listenership. I'm looking forward to finding out. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. Frank, you were asking about spark plugs earlier. Well, yeah.

On Absolute Radio. I was. Well, it's done 11K. I think we're going to have to ramp it. A bit of garage talk there for the men listening. You were questioning whether they still existed. Well, I haven't looked under my bonnet. Certainly, I think, since I've been in Downton Abbey

no I haven't looked under my bonnet since the 90s the 90s we know we love the 90s here on Absolute 90s I'm all over the place I'll tell you what your energy levels have really surged since you took that fleece off yeah

I think it was holding me back any kind of constricting jacket well you said yourself it was vice like it was holding me back, the fleece. It was holding you back. I don't know about you, but any kind of constricting jacket. Well, you said yourself it was vice-like. It was vice-like. I think that's why Tevez didn't come off the bench. He's stuck in his tracksuit top. That could be it, yeah. Yeah, I think they are RAC sponsored, aren't they?

Anyway, where were we? We were talking about spark plugs on Absolute Radio. Spark plugs still exist, Frank. This is from... I don't really understand his name. He's called himself Spoons. He says, however, carburettors do not anymore. Oh, that makes me quite sad. It's all injection systems now.

Newfangled ideas are taking over the world. How true that is. Death of the carburettor, there. On Absolute Top Gear. How true that is. Yeah. Death of the carburettor there. On absolute top gear. So, Frank, a curious thing happened to me this week. Okay. Well, I was on the tube. Well, that is quite curious. I know.

You're a woman of your... That's strange in itself. ...of your natural grandeur, if I may say that. And then I saw this... The tube, I should explain, is an underground train system that runs through London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England. Because I think a lot of the regionals will be listening to the digitals. People from the absolute 80s haven't heard of the Tube.

Is that what we're worried about? Yeah, I think that's probably... Well, they've heard the tube, but they're associating it with Jules Holland and Paul Yeats. Go on. Anyway, so I saw this young lad. Oh, I don't like the way this is going. He was about ten. He was a lovely young boy.

This is not one of your cougar tales. No. Actually, I wouldn't mind a cougar tale. I could get one. She could fit it to the back of a... Carry on. Thank you. He was about ten.

Anyway, he started singing under his breath. I thought, oh, how sweet. Yeah, lovely in a child. But I know what these kids are like. They're into things like Tinchy Strider and things, aren't they? Not for him, not for this child, Frank. He starts singing, The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town.

Oh, my God, he's 10. He didn't do that. But that's like a 70s Lizzy song, isn't it? It is. But I warmed to this child. Which probably just played it. Well, exactly. Because I was a bit of a freak myself. and i call people like that decade defiers so for example when i was about

i'm i must have been well this is early 80s i used to perform um hey big spender the routine hey big spender i think we all did not with the feather boa no and i also had a picture of uh bob hope and bin crosby on my wall because i just really liked them i used to imagine you being a bit like that well it used to be a bit of a Tourette's syndrome thing of mine i used to sing hey big spender like all that it was one of those songs about seven songs that go around around my head constantly and one of them as you'll know his girlfriend in a coma for examplea for example the Smith song but I used to sing Hey Big Spender all the time I think it's only living with David Baddiel that got me out of it

it seems so suddenly so inappropriate I should tell you that this kid who sat next to you sitting singing Thin Lizzy I think this is, it's a bit of a thing tell you that um this kid who sat next to you sitting uh singing uh seeing lizzie i i think this is it's a bit of a thing isn't it so i because i sat next to a kid on the tube and he sang uh give me the moonlight by frankie vaughan and apparently it's a sort of a stage school scam

that they do it's never it's a gentle happy slapping these kids they sit next to strangers on the tube and try and guess their age and symbolise it with a musical rendition. He was bang on. Bruce Forsythe told me a kid sat next to him on the tube and sang Greensleeves. So it's

about. Let's just say that. I wonder if he'd, maybe he'd just been watching like Glee or something. There's probably some explanation, isn't there? It's probably been on. Or one of the Brew Eleven adverts that used to be on in Birmingham in the 1970s. Maybe he's watching that. Well, if he's got a video.

Yeah, maybe. You know, YouTube now. My auntie, when I was a child, taught me the, and I don't know any other lyrics than the Tiny bubbles in the wine make me feel happy, make me feel fine. Do we know that song? Yeah, I think we sing it at communion. I don't know the song, though.

No, I don't know it. It's from an era gone by. Once again, Yugo. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Our marvellous audience, they'll let us know about that. Oh, good. But I know what you mean.

Living in one decade. Because you always think everyone who lived in the 70s wore flares and had long hair and 60s. I mean, I grew up in the, I came into my teens in the 70s. And in the early 70s, certainly, I was a sort of a teddy boy. I only really listened to 50s rock and roll. And I used to have a little jacket with velvet collars and a pair of crepe sole shoes and all that stuff.

So, pathetically out of my decade. And also, obviously, you need sideburns with that kind of thing. Oh, did you rock a sideburn? No, I couldn't do it. I can't do a sideburn now. At that age, I used to bring two strands of hair around the front. So I was after Elvis Presley, but I actually got Lisa Stansfield. I think go compare, man. Yeah, exactly.

But anyway, I'd love to know if any of our listeners are listening. I suppose in that they're our listeners, they are by definition listening. Let's think about that for a second. I'd like to know if they defied their decade. Unless, of course, they listen an hour later, in which they'll just be sending texts into the ether, and I'm going to find myself in some sort of Anton Deck courtroom situation. We are Absolute Radio,

and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Perhaps I didn't make it clear that what's happening this week is that we're going out live from 8 till 10, and then we're repeated from 9 till 11 on all the digital channels. So if you heard this on, if you're listening to this on a digital channel, and it's before 10, you can still enter the text thing. I say enter. Make it sound like it's some amazing prize. There ain't no prize.

You ain't got to get no prize. Let me just say that. That was for absolute funk. Which, is that one of them? It's a bit of absolutely everything. We were talking. I said today what what are the digital channels and uh the cockerel said there's uh absolute absolute and i thought he said absolute

northeast he said absolute noughties and we're talking what be on there sort of uh lindy's phone on a loop and uh fine we've had some texts in and who was that who used to be that attractive um girl who was very northeastern it was very much an 80s 90s sort of 90s icon what was she called northeastern yeah thin and blonde oh well we can't can't i just can't sit here all morning it's a bit like when you stop for a sandwich at the taxi driver's cafe in Victoria and people just talk about stuff like that. Air, Donner Air. Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear, we've just had a... I like your... Synchronise that, yeah. Donner Air. Oh, yeah. I'm going to try that again. Donner Air. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We're in the church of Donner Air, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. Oh, dear. I don't like this, Frank. We've had a text in, and the subject line is David Baddiel and money. That always makes me nervous. Be careful here, remember.

We're trodding a... Your manager just took his glasses off. Yeah, well. He always does that at the word money. We've had a text in. This is Nicola from Hungerfordford i just read in money talk that david once bought a massage chair for 4 600 a bit of a mistake in his words i don't i don't think that's true he's never let me have a go on him the manager is uh nodding he might just be bored

we've had some more texts i had i bought a 1 000 pound massage chair yeah there's no way to talk about a lady no it's true though and i did i tried in the shop and thought it was brilliant i bought a massage chair it's absolute rubbish absolute rubbish where we actually not the most popular channel uh yeah i it was uh it was horrible it i it sort of did things to my spine it sort of i felt as if the discs of my spine were being shuffled and put back in a different order oh right so if anyone here is thinking of getting a massage chair my advice is don't oh it's all gone a bit watch dog what were you saying. Oh, I don't know if I like this new tale in our relationship. Darby and Joan.

Yes, dear. Frank, we've got a decade to fire. 050. I have an ABBA tribute wall and I'm 14. All my friends think I'm lame. I don't think you're lame. That wasn't the first adjective that sprang to mind. That's lovely. I think you just like what you like.

Yeah. I met a well-known TV executive recently who had a small child. His son was, I think he was about five. And I said, ooh, do you like listening to? And he said, Nick Lowe. Wow. I said, freak. And that was their conversation. Nothing wrong with Nick Lowe, but for a five-year-old?

Well, when Cockerel Junior was a little baby, I sort of encouraged him to say, how do you do? Which seemed like a child from an era gone by. Sometimes it'd just be in the buggy. Is she not thinking of cock-a-doodle-doo? I think that was his first words. This was pre-me being the cockerel. Oh, was it?

There was a time when you weren't the cockerel? I don't want to be a part of that world, Frank. No, don't worry, we weren't. It was June the 11th, wasn't it, when I became the cockerel? It's going to be a cockerel birthday every year in your head. That's when I started, isn't it? June the 11th, the cockerel was born. Frank, we've also had a solution in.

Alan was talking about Tiny Bubbles. Someone solved the mystery. It's 131. Can I say, it's probably our most regular correspondent. He's on fire this morning. Could be a she? No, it's a he. How do you know that? Because I've communicated with him before.

Embarrassing. Not very embarrassing, but a little bit embarrassing. Carry on. Tiny Bubbles is by a Hawaiian fella called Don Ho. There's a bar in Honolulu he owns. Oh, there is? I've been to Honolulu, and I've, yeah,

I went past several Ho's while I was over there. But Don Ho's, yeah, I remember he's got his own like residency in there and he did the little bubbles thing tiny bubbles tiny bubbles in the wine i'm doing it again tiny bubbles in the wine is i think michael jackson should have covered that yeah i'll probably put wine in tiny bubbles i wouldn wouldn't be surprised. I mean, he was in a coke can. How was he supposed to know?

Anyway, perhaps we shouldn't talk about him this way. Have you ever seen a more mournful man than Conrad Murray? I mean, I know he's in trouble, but he looks so sad. I just want to hug him. Well, I think at any moment he could turn to the judge and say, What you talking about, Willis? You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank.

What? Don't say it like that. Oh, sorry. I hate it when you talk like that. I'm sorry. It's like when you say, sure. Oh, I hate it. I want to talk about Rihanna.

Because, did you read about this? She's got herself into all sorts of trouble. And I like it when I want to talk about Rihanna. Because, did you read about this? She's got herself into all sorts of trouble. And I like it when a celebrity does that. Well, she was in a field. She was in a field. She upset an Irish farmer. And you don't want to do that. No.

Oh. Well. It's not like a farmer to be upset, though, is it? No. They're normally very mild-mannered and welcoming. This man had hired out his field to Rihanna and her people. An Irish farmer. I don't think he'd hired it.

Didn't he just give them it? He'd granted them. I don't think there was any financial transaction. Is that right? Alan Graham 61, are you referring to? Alan Graham 61. What, has he texted it? He only said, get off from me, love!

That's what he actually said. He's not even texting. Well, he did actually say that, Frank. Because he thought it was a bit raunchy what she was doing. She stripped down to her bra, she did loads of sexy dancing, and he got a cob on. Of course, he got a cob on. I mean, I wouldn't.

Now, luckily it was a corn on the cob, so everything was all right. Um, oh, dear. No, he, uh... He's an arable farmer, is he? Oh, no, he's all right. I tell you what, I think that, uh, I don't know about you, but I've really had enough of raunchy.

Yeah. Oh, sure, I'll put that... People think, like, oh, man, have you seen our new video? Whoever it is. Have you seen Carla's new video? It's really raunchy. Oh, sure. People think like, oh, man, have you seen our new video? Whoever it is. You've seen Carla's new video. It's really raunchy. Oh, is it? Well, that's very, very original. Congratulations. I remember being in a comedy dressing room once with a bunch of comics. And this guy came in and he had a yellow, bright yellow, Czech three-piece suit on. And one of the older comics said to him, I see you've got a lot of faith in your material.

And that's what I think when I see a female pop star in some very, very scanty clothes. Oh, yeah, got faith in your material, do you? I mean, she wore... I tell you what she wore. She wore those um she had a bikini yeah out of those red you know those red and white neckerchiefs that that travelers use as dog collars yeah you know those ones yeah you see often see them on a black labrador yeah just knotted knotted under the gel and very, very low-rise gene as well.

I think maybe that's what he objected to. Well, no, he objected to the fact that she actually at one point took off her brassiere. Oh, did she? Oh, dear. I mean, come on. I find that ears of corn can be a bit of a hazard against... I don't know if you've ever rubbed bare flesh against an ear of corn. Yes, I have, actually. I've never had an ear of corn chafing, no.

No, it's not just chafing. I mean, it'll pierce. Ooh. Frank, Alan Graham 61 said, I wish no will. I wish no will? I wish no ill will against Rhianna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater god,

which I rather like. I think that would be a good idea. Because I don't know if you know, Rihanna actually worships Tefnut, the Egyptian goddess of moisture. Did you know that? Does she really? Google it. Does she really?

Yeah, you know, the lion-headed woman. She is the goddess of moisture. That's what Tefnut is. Right. If ever I bring her to moisturise her, I've got my name lined up. Yeah. Oh, I'm really chafed. Got any Tefnot in your handbag?

Yeah, so really, I was basically with the farmer on this one because I just think, just get over it. Just, you know, if you can sing and do good music, do that. Let the song do the work, Rihanna. I mean, as... From Frank. But there's all these pictures of her, and she's there with virtually no clothes on,

and there's all these blokes in fleeces. It's not that there's anything wrong with wearing a fleece. No, no. In fact, come to think of it, there was some sheep there in fleeces as well. But they had more rights in the field than she did. There was actually some musical sheep there. Do you know that?

Yeah. This is the sound they made. Oh, I love sheep-based community singing. There just ain't enough of them. No, she's let herself down, Rihanna, I think. Wow.

Anyway, that's the texting. Ask Rihanna to let herself down. Let herself down, Rihanna, I think. Well. Anyway, that's the texting. Ask Rihanna, let herself down. Let herself down. Wouldn't you rather see Rihanna in a nice smart suit? Yeah. Singing. Smart suit? Perhaps a yellow checkered three-piece.

Yeah, exactly. Just to prove that she hasn't got the faith in her material. Do you know what I mean? Some it's a bit sensible and just show her up. Who cares anyway if she never ever makes another record ever. That's probably her bank manager. Yeah well even now I think she'd be alright.

We've had an email in which I'd very much like to read out. I had a she-mail in last night. Costa Rican. Friendly though, friendly. You're going to think that's true and it makes me feel ill um are you narrow-minded do you want to hear this email um have we got time well yeah go on let's let's go and blast it out okay um it's from alex creamer he says i like it

so far dearest frank alex creamer or screamer. Okay. After finishing my shift at a well-known supermarket, I have an anecdote which you must hear. A man came to my till who I immediately noticed as an ooh-matrix kind of fellow. Now, I have to point out to new listeners that if I see anyone in a long leather coat, black leather coat, they always go, ooh-matrix.

However, his gothic attire was not mirrored in the items which he purchased. Glancing down at the conveyor belt, I saw Cornish pasties, own brand baked beans and other non-antediluvian items. Then, to top off his antithetical shop, he asked... God, it's a hell of an email. I like Alex. He asked, what's the damage?

The usual question one might hear from an 80-year-old gentleman, not a quasi-Gothic 20-something. That's great. He's a decade defiant. He is. Even got by humdrum everyday itemery. I love that. I like what's the damage. Do you know what? It's amazing this has come in. I heard a what's the damage last week. Did you? I was behind somebody in a, it was actually in an ice cream parlour and a guy in front of me with a pullover over his shoulders with a knot in it. Ah, pastel shade. It's a bit preppy for me. Bit Tishmarshian. But he literally said, so what's the damage? And I laughed behind him. I thought, that makes you a wally. As if I didn't already

know it from the pullover outfit. The fact you've said, what's the damage? I think it's common parlance with goths, though. I think it is, do you? And they're having a self-harming chat. I wish he'd had a black pudding in his thing, because I always think with a black pudding that if, you know, it's like a dinghy, like one of those tiny dinghies that you pull, and then you pull the cord.

If you pulled the cord on a black pudding, it would expand into a goth. It's got the coat and everything. We are Absolute Radio and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. We've had an email in actually. It says, Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Saw Frank on QI last Friday. Best episode for a long time.

Oh, you won't like that. Try not to use this show as a vehicle for just flattering myself. I, on the other hand, do that regularly. You're happy with it? Yeah. I should say, by the way, that I'm Frank Skinner and I'm with Alan Cochran, also known, a.k.a. And Emily Dean, just in case you know people.

Oh, Emily. I didn't... Why didn't I get a theme? I didn't use my jingle. We don't have to have all three jingles every time, for goodness sake. OK. Who are you, the Jingle Bell? B-E-L-L-E, that was, like, a lady joke. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Frank, when is... This uh stewart brown by the way stewart brown says when is frank going to announce his upcoming sitcom on radio 4 well i hope there's an email come in asking if alan cochran's on a mini tour this autumn as well while we're on the subject of shameless self-promotion. Are you a mini-hero? I'm a mini-hero, yeah. I never do self-promotion, can I say? But I have been doing a bit of other stuff, because

I won't say what it was for, because that would be promotion. But I did Chris Moyle's quiz show. I recorded it this week. It doesn't go out yet. But I made a terrible, terrible faux pas. Oh, what did you do? There's a round. It doesn't go out yet. But I made a terrible, terrible faux pas. Oh, what did you do? There's a round.

It's me and two other contestants. Are you allowed to name them? I think so. It was Jeff Stelling, the man who presents Gillette Soccer Saturday, and Alicia Dixon. Beautiful woman. Small head. Anyway,

we had to name Spielberg films. And the idea is that you just keep going and it's the first one who gets one wrong. So I thought, I'm absolutely confident here. So I started off, someone said E.T., someone said Jaws. I said, you know, Star Wars.

He didn't. He didn't. That was George Lucas, wasn't it? Someone said E.T., someone said Jaws. I said, you know, Star Wars. Ah. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't. No. That was George Lucas, wasn't it? I said, and then I said, that was George Lucas. And it all went a bit, oh. Oh, fine. I mean, whenever I hear the name George Lucas, it gives me a shudder, because I always think of a beard

just waiting for a chin. That hasn't turned up. I hate the empty beard of George Lucas. But I said, I mean, and I am a sci-fi enthusiast, but I said on national television that Steven Spielberg directed Star Wars. It was like they used to say about the gold run. It's all right when you're back at home watching it,

but when you're up there... I would have just ended my life. I said, I don't know if i can ever go out i can never go to another sci-fi event i'll be i'll be ripped apart oh you'll be vilified yeah yeah i'll be vilified i really doubt it if i go to one in in birmingham i might be even be aston vilified but no i um oh god i was so ashamed. Anyway, I have been recording some radio. I think I unplug radio, can't I? He's got another radio job, Cockrell.

Yeah, it's... We're history now, mate. Can I say what channel... Oh, God, I don't think Radio 4 is a rival to any of the channels that we go out on. Anyway, I've been... I'm doing some comedies on Channel 4 that start this Wednesday night, right?

At 11 o'clock. God, what's happened to me? But I've learnt a lot about, I didn't know, we know when you hear people like the enter a room on a radio drama. I thought it was all done with special effects. But I,

it didn't work like that. It was a situation where I was actually I actually would have to walk across the room I'll give you a demonstration imagine we've had the opening music do do do do do do do do

do do do do oh hi the cockerel and Evelyn. Phew, what a day I've had. I really need a banana. Actually, a banana's quite a tough one. Oh, yeah.

I'm starting to wish I'd had a pine cone. Quite a firm banana, isn't it? It is a firm banana. I thought that would give it, I thought a slight over-ripeness would give it a bit more crackle. You need some coconuts. Well, you do.

But I love all that. Oh, it's great, Frank. And I'll tell you something else which I didn't know about was one of the, the producer said, producer director said to me, or she said one of the great, producer said, producer-director said to me, or she said, one of the great problems of radio drama is Paige Russell.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. And that had never occurred to me. And it was kind... What you get, when you actually record one, you get things like, Karen, it's the worst thing that... You know they do the unfinished sentence?

Yeah. Karen, I never... That's all very well, Gavin, but I'll never forget that you went with that woman. And then they have to take out all the... After. But there's been a revolution. I'm very familiar with the workings of radio drama.

No, but can I say, the iPad has changed everything. Oh, I see, so you don't have that so me i thought you were just announcing revolution and i was moving on no me and katherine parkinson who was in this thing we we each had our ipads and we we thumb scrolled oh wow obviously mine was a bit swollen from the mosquito uh yeah but but um i used the right mainly but yeah and it's not a problem straight through. Oh, no page, Russell. No need for the old radio turn away from the microphone.

Is that how you do it? I think that's what they used to do, yeah. Oh, OK. I've seen it on footage. I've seen it on documentary footage when they're filming radio. I love a bit of footage. Yeah, I don't mind a bit of footage. He picked those tips. You see, when he played...

Was it Malcolm the Asthmatic in Casualty? Jason the Asthmatic. It wasn't Casualty, was it? Oh, A&E. Or was it everyone? Nobody would write a character called Malcolm the Asthmatic. It's beyond the suspension of disbelief. I think they might,

but it would be a sort of a plasticine character in a children's... Different decade. Yeah, on sea babies. To introduce them to the idea of asthmatics and that they're not freaky people. I can imagine that happening. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some texts in on 8.15.

Texts? Yes. OK. We've had one from Ian in Leamington Spa. Dear Mr Radio, lovely Emily and the cockerel. Hello, Mr Radio. I didn't think Mr Radio was going to catch on, but you're delighted. I'm absolutely delighted.

In fact, by way of celebration. Hello, Mr Radio. Oh, and you look like one today in the old RAC orange jacket. Hi, Em. I know what a fan you are of the portmanteau word, so I wanted to know what you thought of Gemily, gorgeous Emily. What do you think I think? I love it.

So a portmanteau word is like Jedward. Yes, exactly. Right. Brangelina. Word merging. Posh and Beckham. Yeah. Peckham.

No. So should it be Gemily or gemily the trouble is with gemily is he used to be a very quite a thoggish um fallback played for glasgow celtic called tommy gemmel and you wouldn't want to anyone said you were gemily he once kicked me i remember we had to recreate a a terrible um foul that he'd done on a German footballer. I used to do a programme called Fantasy Football, some of you may recall. We recreated this. And he kicked me really hard. I went up in the air, landed, my elbow went into my stomach and I couldn't breathe. And at the end of the day when he went, he said, this has been a great day. He said, of the day when he went, he said, this has been a great day, he said, 200 quid, four cans of beer and I got to kick an Englishman up in the air. And then he left. So you don't

want to be that kind of gemily. We've had another one that you'll have to bear with me because it's in text speak, so it takes a little bit of reading. Oh, we've tuned into a younger crowd. We may have, although maybe not. Hi, F, E and A. Kind of a decade defier myself. I was born in the 70s, but like 50s movies and rock and roll. As you said, you like what you like.

Heard the Not The Week podcast yesterday. Not the weekend, yeah. Not the weekend. I have to correct you about something. It was Buddy Holly who died in a plane crash with Big Bopper and Richie Valens, not Eddie Cochran who died in a car crash a year later. Oh, that's so true.

I've made so many more. That's Dan. Massive factual. That's Steven Spielberg. That's up there with your George Lucas faux pas. It is, and I put Eddie Cochran in Buddy Holly's seat. Yeah, but that's a good text, isn't it? Because it's a double whammy.

He's a decade defier. Andy's correcting us. He's multitasking. Don't look at that. In case you didn't hear from the beginning of the show, Emily was a kid on the tube who was singing a 70s song. So she was on about people who defy their interests and passions and not

the decade that they're living in. Considering this show this week is being broadcast on absolute 80s, 90s and noughties, it could be quite a big texting. If you think about it. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. We've had another

email in. This is from Lord Billsley. He's written in with a question about us. Is he from Billsley in Wolverhampton, do you think? I'm unfamiliar with the area. I don't know if there's a manor there. But carry on. Oh, he might be nice for me. The webcam on me, Frank.

Good morning. Firstly, I must say that I love the show. Oh, I hate reading out praise. Frank doesn't like that. Now, down to business. You were talking the other week about your post-show brunch routine. It brought me to wondering what you'd order. I've come up with what I think you'd go for. Frank, eggs benedict and a fancy tea.

The lovely Emily. Can I say that's wrong? OK. Before we go any further. OK. For a start-off, I love eggs benedict. That's correct. I mean, you know, the food, not the Chicago gangster.

Eggs benedict. I don't know if there was one, but it sounds like there probably was one. But I definitely don't like a fancy tea. You like an OJ. I like a what? You go for an OJ. I tend to go Apple. I tend to have an AJ.

But I like my tea straight... I like builders. So do I. I don't mean made of substandard materials and about three weeks late. I mean, I like it on the strong side. But no, no fancy teas for Frank. Lord Billsley has also predicted what I would order, Frank. OK.

Lovely Emily. A solitary scrambled egg adorned with a sprig of fresh flat leaf parsley on very lightly buttered toast with an orange juice. That's not right. It's not on the money, is it? No. Well, you like a scrambled egg, don't you? Scrambled egg, no chives, two rashers of bacon and one sausage.

Hold the carbs. That's true, I forgot he actually included carbs in Emily's breakfast. Even reading that has made you feel a bit carby, hasn't it? I've known anyone who orders food with more horribleness towards onions and chives. Emily will say, I'll have the tiramisu, please. There aren't any chives in that, are there? No! No, there aren't!

Shut up about it. So, scrambled egg, no onions. Why? Why would there be onions? I've come a cropper before with this. Have you come a Roy cropper? Yes, I've told you I have. Finally, the cockerel.

Raw black pudding on white heavenly butter toast with strong tea. Northern stereotype. Alive and well. I wouldn't mind, but I have in the past given my spare black pudding to Frank Skinner. That is true. Yeah, yeah. That was a horrible scene. That was talk.

I'm glad Lord Billsley's written in. It's very timely. Because only last week, I actually sent you a picture of this, Frank. I was so horrified. Oh, you'd better hold this story. Because this is something that happened in absentia, as far as I'm concerned.

But the picture I received from Emily made me LOL. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to return to the subject of my breakfast. Frank, I'd like to return to the subject of my breakfast. Shall I say that we used to go for brunch after the show, as I think I've said before, in a homosexual cafe. It's what I'd call, it's a flamboyant establishment.

Yeah, and, you know, they can do catering. They can. At least I thought they could. At this stage, I was halfway to West Bromwich listening to The Midwich Cuckoos on classic Radio 4 sci-fi drama on CD. John Wyndham, who also wrote... Who also wrote Day of the Triffids, which, of course, Emily starred in on the TV.

Anyway, I should say, I spoke last week, if you remember, that I was going to do my Baggies Brick at the match. Oh, yeah. Do you remember? Oh, how was it? For the Baggies Brick Road? Yeah. Yes?

Yeah, and... Did it go well? I had to have my name on a house brick, and a slogan, you know, a slogan of something like less than 15 letters or something like that 50 quid got mine free great hey free brick can't complain shelby so i got there and i didn't know about the slogan they said oh we've chose we've chosen a slogan for you and i thought oh don't impose a slogan on frank no No, so it says Frank Skinner, and then it says WBA fan.

Oh, that's catchy. I like to think I could have come up with something a bit poncier. That'll take off. Anyway, there it is. It's immortalised. Do continue. Meanwhile, over at the brunch restaurant. Yes. Oh, yeah.

So I ordered my usual, scrambled eggs, no chives or onions, order a bacon and a sausage. Yeah. Hold on, just a bit more banana. He's trying to do a sound effect with his banana. I'm thinking, no, it's settled. It might make a sound.

That's a banana bean. This is why my dramatisation of Tarzan was refused by Radio 4. So, anyway, Frank., so I ordered it. It took a while, Alan, didn't it? It took a while. When it did eventually arrive, Frank, and I sent you this picture so you did see it.

It's hilarious. It was in three separate bowls, bacon in one small bowl. It was more like evidence than a breakfast. They were barely bowls. They were borderline mugs. But it looked like the bacon had fallen out with the sausage. It had a terrible row. They couldn't bear to be on the same plate.

It was a terrible sort of fry-up apartheid. It really was. There were little circular bowls and the sausage was too long for the bowl. It looked like a three-dimensional capital Q. The way it overlapped. It was a tapas fry-up, I think, the cockerel. Oh, it looks like tapas.

It looks so wrong. Cockerel didn't even get his. Mine came when you were finishing, I think. Oh, didn't it? Oh, no. He was cool as a cucumber. And only last week I sang the praises of homosexual catering. You did, yeah.

And now it's on its knees. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Frank, we've had some texts in on 8.12.15. We have, you know, we were talking earlier about Decade Defiers. Yes. We've had Morning Frank, Emily and the earlier about Decade Defiers. Yes. We've had Morning Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. I had an elder brother nine years my senior,

so while my friends were growing up in the 80s liking Wham and Bross, I spent my teens going to see Genesis, Camel and Yes. Good. That's Alistair in Manchester. I'd forgotten all about Camel. Hmm. What's that, Pete Frampton? I don't know about Camel, anyway.

Yeah. Was that Pete Frampton? I don't know about Cameron. Yeah. See, my brother was, my big brother, Terry, was 12 years older than me, I think. So he was into, that's it, you see. I remember him buying The Last Waltz by Engelbert Ompading, playing it about...

Oh, I thought you meant by Strauss. No, playing it about, no. Played it about 20 times, wrote down the lyrics. And this was in the days of Words magazine, when you used to get the lyrics that Corrin hits. But he weren't going to throw out that kind of money. I think it was threatens. Anyway, he wrote down the words,

and then he went round the house singing the whole of The Last Wolf. Oh. For weeks. I love our fairy. Including la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. I think you wrote la-la, etc. No need to ask what our Keith listened to. I think we're all familiar with that.

Keith liked a bit of Blood, Wind, Peak. I don't think anyone... And I'm not talking about his fry-ups. Frank, we also had an email in during the week and we've got a bit of a cockerel fan here. Oh, yeah. This is from Chris in Preston, Lancs. He says, Dear Frank the Cockerel and Dean,

I don't like being Dean. It makes me sound like some Grain Chill character. A couple of months ago... Yeah, and I'm slightly worried about the Forest of Dean. No need to. No, good. Tidy work surface. A bit of deforestation.

Deforestation? Didn't he play Dr. McCoy? I told you, tidy work surface. I introduced a colleague. Let's call him Ian. Ian, let's call him Ian. So he's not really called Ian. It might be Sir Ian Blair.

He's a friend of the show. The idea is he's not really called Ian. I think it's Ian Blair. He's a friend of the show. The idea is he's not really called Ian. I think it's somebody just making a joke, as in, let's call him Ian, because his name is Ian. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. It's spelled I-A-I-N, which... Like Sir Ian Blair. Oh, Scottish, Scottish Ian.

I introduced Ian to the Frank Skinner podcasts, of which I've been a listener from day one. Ian started listening and randomly chuckling at his desk. I became aware, however, that every time we had a conversation about the latest show, he always remarked on how much he liked the cockerel's voice and how he looked forward to listening to the latest podcast to hear his smooth Yorkshire

tones. I believe my colleague has developed a cockerel crush. And I was wondering if you'd heard from anyone else. Don't fancy that much. I don't want to see that coming out the blender. Well, he says, I feel I should point out that Ian is a happily married man and completely heterosexual.

Well, we've got a lot in common then, haven't we, me and Ian? Sounds like we're bonding already. I think an audio crush is fine, isn't it? Yeah. I'm glad he likes my voice. I hate the sound of my own voice. Oh, dear. I think my... I love your voice. I always think that my accent operates as sort of audio contraception

in these matters. I find the cockerel crush does the same. Yeah. I must say, I love the phrase happily married man, though, because it always... It's not happy. No one ever says he's a happy married man. They say he's a happily married man. In other words, when he got married, he did it happily.

Nowadays. Yeah. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So sad. What is? Conrad Murray. His little face, Frank. The doctor.

I'll tell you what, he's got what they call a cod face. He's got one of the bottom lipsticks out. He looks proper. Properly. Properly sad. Some kind call a cod face. He's got one of the bottom lipsticks out. He looks properly sad. Some kind of a pout. And there's quite a... Conrad Murray, by the way, is Michael Jackson's former doctor. And he's on the screen at the moment. And the sound's down.

We're paying attention. But he's got such a sad face. And also, the distance between the bottom of his nose and his actual mouth, it's a long distance. I'd like to see a bowling ball rolling down his... What's it called, that thing? What?

Down the middle of the lip. Oh, the philtrum? The philtrum. Robert McGarvey's philtrum? Yeah. Frank? That was the only thing that separated the snot when I was a child. Every kid in our street had a number 11 on the top lip. That was the only thing that separated the snot when I was a child. Every kid in our street had a number 11 on the top lip.

That was the tradition. I'll tell you my greatest showbiz regret. Shall I tell you that? Yeah. It really, I always look back with great regret that Jerry Halliwell never ever said to me, would you introduce me to Bruce Forsyth? Why?

Because I could have gone over and said, Bruce, spice to meet you. Anyway. Keep going. Frank, we've had a text in from Ian, who says, Frank and co, Don Ho is dead.

He died in his bath. He could have said he was playing on the roof. Oh, no. Died in his bath singing, believe it or not. In his bath? In his bar. Oh died in his bar singing believe it or not in his bath in his bar oh yeah since he died in his bath singing little bubbles that would have made sense because it all comes out when you die but yeah i'm sorry to hear don we mentioned don ho earlier he was uh can i just say anyone's just tuned in getting ready for rock and roll football don how isn't dead done is a different man.

Don Howe is from Honolulu. We've had another text in. Regarding Frank's recent gaffes in connection with Star Wars and Buddy Holly. It still makes me wince, both of them. Why doesn't he go for a... It makes me wincy willis. That's what they call me.

What are you talking about, wincy willis? The weather. Yeah, but it's the 80s weather. Who wants to know about that? I'm imagining Wincy Willis is on Absolute 80s, doing weather from the 80s. I saw her on Twitter the other day. Great hair, still got the highlights hanging on in there.

Wincy Willis is on Twitter. She's got a computer now and everything. I imagine what she's got is a word processor. Carry on. everything um so yeah i imagine what she's got is a word processor carry on so yeah regarding frank's recent gaffes in connection with star wars and buddy holly why doesn't he go for a full set and schedule a meeting with david cameron at checkers later today to argue on the state of being of brian ricks best regards to you all that's from larry i have to say he's a fabulous in reference on this show because I once told a story on here about when I went to number 10 Downing Street and Tony Blair said to me

oh we had Brian Ricks in here the other week I said you didn't he said no he was here you know the actor who does a lot of charity stuff with Mencap I said no he's dead he's been dead about three he said he was here the other night we had quite a big row about it

you know I've never completely established is he dead? yes... He said he was here the other night. We had quite a big row about it. You know, I've never completely established. Is he dead? Yes, I believe Tony Blair was right. Oh, Tony Blair was right. And it's not often that you get to say that. But we got so heated in the middle, the bloke came and said, George Bush wants to know if you want to go into the Iraq...

Yes, yes. And looking back, I feel quite bad about it. Anyway, we move towards the end of today's show, I think. And you can download Not The Weekend podcast, which is completely different from this, but it's us talking. And when I say completely different, it's not this stuff. Right, and that's available from Wednesday. Fresh material.

Next up is Mark Crossley. And can I say before we go, a very special, special congratulations to our dear old friend and former colleague, Gareth, and his wife, Laura, who now have a baby boy, Elijah. And that is, I hope you're very, very well and lovely and smashing and marvellous. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back next week. Goodbye. We are Absolute Radio

and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio.