The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Edinburgh Week 2

Episode Date: August 20, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun are north of the border for their second show in Edinburgh. Bernie Clifton texts the show, Frank buys his last pencil and the team review some Edinburgh shows.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm with the cockerel. I've just got rid of your real name altogether now. That's me, that's me. We met some people in the Pleasance Courtyard the other day

that said, oh, can we... Quite a few people wanted pictures with you, but it was quite a nice moment when someone said, can we get the cockerel in as well? That was lovely. I was pleased. It's nice to have a moniker, isn't it? Yeah, luckily I was wearing a leather falconry gauntlet. So Alan just straddled my wrist for the photo.

A perch, didn't I? Yeah. Nice. I soon brought him in with a swung a bit of bacon. I love the swinging back. The idea that a hawk would see a bit of circling bacon and think, oh, it's almost, it's moving into pigs will fly territory.

So we're in Edinburgh. The Pleasance, in case you're wondering where that is, is a famous hanging out spot in Edinburgh. And I've been doing a lot of hanging out this week. Have you? Because Alan, he remained, he's working at the moment, aren't you? I am. I'm offering my little show at 6.50pm at the stands. Oh my God.

I know it's commercial radio but let's not wallow in the mire. It's quite a bit Paul Daniels plugging Bobby Crosh, which more later. I think that's gossip, isn't it? And Emily had to go back down to London, of course, because she's got

a day job in the fashion industry. Absolutely. Yeah, she works in our shops with the big swathes of material. Are they swathes? Are they called swathes? Have I made that up? They're swathes all do. Is it swathes? Swathes all do.

Yeah, Poland Street, is it? Yeah. There is, aren't there? I love the idea of going into a shop and there's just rolls of material to choose from. See, you don't even choose a garment. You start at the brass tacks of it. We used of material to choose from. See, you don't even choose a garment. You start at the brass tacks of it. We used to go to

Dewsbury Market and my mum bought fabric. I wonder what you were going to say then. I thought I was going to slap your face then for a second. Oh, God, I've started off my heart thumping already. If you want to text us about anything, we are available on 8, 12, 15 and we always love to hear from you people because you are...

I think of the listeners to this show as a very heartbeat of it. I don't mean in a Nick Berry kind of a way. I mean in all that. We've had a text already, Frank, on 8, 12, 15. Tremendous news. What is it? Frank, do you live in the same building as John Prescott, by any chance? That's a bit of a personal question. Is that John Prescott trying to find his way home?

He's had a heavy night. Could you tell me the address of it, please? I'm drunken in an alley in Soho. I will own up. I do live in the same. Do you actually? I do.

I probably find that's just a terrorist just doing a bit of homework. You should not have bought that. Extraordinary couple of targets. Get a politician, a comedian with one swish of the cane. So, nice little metaphor there for blowing people off. Carry on. Frank and I have, what I have enjoyed, Frank,

I was looking forward to coming back and seeing you because I rather like, we've got a very good domestic set-up island in Edinburgh. Oh, we have. I washed Frank Smalls yesterday. What? I did. I didn't anticipate that. It was a general query about washing up powder.

I didn't think there would be an offer. I wasn't, you know, I wasn't probing for help. I didn't hear you saying no. No. They came up lovely. Immaculate. They came up lovely. Well, they still haven't completed it was very odd

because um lisa our producer you know we we spoke about last week on the uh i can't remember in what context i think i might have mentioned your hair because my girlfriend said i don't think you should refer to lisa's hair that's a sensitive subject for any woman oh right but she didn't mind the story about lisa kissing you on the mouth. No, she was fine with that. I think she said, I have to, Liesl. But you! No, so, yeah,

I'm running out of smalls, basically. I'm talking about pants, really. I never take a full, I never take a daily ration when I'm away. I think if I'm going away for 15 days like this trip, I'll take eight and I think I'll wash them somewhere. Somewhere?

A brook somewhere? Sometimes I'll select a brook, if there's one about. But anyway, I was running out and Emily said, oh, I'll wash those for you. And I was a bit uneasy about handling my smalls. And then Liesl said, oh, and I'll hang them up to dry for you. Well, that was less of a surprise, let's be honest. Well, I must say, I mean, it was borderline sexism,

but I didn't ask for any of it, so I let it play through. I think it's a beautiful thing. I'm welling up here. It was like being a Viking chieftain for a day. I imagine they wore smalls of some animal hide. Yeah. Do you think? And I imagine the women felt cleaned and dried them, yeah. Yeah.

And then, Frank... Do you think they had the two horns? It's a big question. I meant over the space of 24 hours, obviously. They were busy men. A lot of carrying, a lot of people they had to carry about with them. Yeah, so anyway, we're in Edinburgh and we're having a splendid time. And perhaps the inspirational moment of the week for me

was when a man came up to me, middle-aged man in a public house in Edinburgh, and said to me, oh, I listen to your absolute radio show while I'm at work. And I said, well, you know, that's really nice. I really appreciate that. And he said, hey, so you know, pass is the time. You're listening to Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We're already getting texts in from our listeners on 81215. Yeah. We've just had one in, extraordinary, from 714. Say hi to Tash and Jazz for me. They are bored, stuck in the car on our way to Kent. Thanks.

From Liz. Tash and Jazz. Say hello on our way to Kent. Yeah. So this is a person who's in the car with them. I assume so. Why doesn't this person entertain them? Why should we have to do the work?

Is the engine particularly loud in that car? They have to send messages through the radio? It's an old diesel. What I'd suggest is that you reinvent the old tap on the shoulder routine. It's so popular for the passenger in cars. If you want to have a chat.

Also, I worry about jazz. Jazz sounds a bit louche. Yeah, I mean, is jazz... No one was ever christened jazz, were they? Not exactly. No. So he's obviously a. No one was ever christened jazz, were they? Not exactly. No. So he's obviously a bit of a colourful character. I'm imagining it as someone with a goatee and some sort of beret. A beret.

Probably been out all night blowing some notes. Oh. So everyone held their breath there for about a second, but everything was all right. God, I don't think I've been as tense since Paul Daniels. Yeah, we went to see Paul Daniels yesterday live on stage. Extraordinary. It was an exciting...

We should talk about that later. I think it needs to be put in its own special gold frame. We don't want it to just slip into conversation. That's what he did with the syrup. Talking of syrup I must say that the cockerel has expressed quite a bit of shock that Emily and Liesel dealt with my smalls

yesterday, I was surprised dealing with is a good way of putting it, no can I just say as I say they're immaculate, I was really impressed right, thanks on the way in, they were saying. No, I don't mind. But if I would never in a million...

If you'd have said to me, I have to wash my smalls, Em, I would never in a million years say, oh, I'll do them. Right, yeah. I mean, the implications are... Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm sharing with a fellow male comic, and so far we have not washed each other's underwear at this festival. Really?

No, I did have a little telling off of him. I said, could you wash up? The kitchen's a bomb site. Could you actually do the dishes? Did you? Oh, absolutely. That took a firm turn. I think it's alright. See, when I lived with David Baddiel, I used to stand in the sink and he used to rub me down with a

flannel. Fan got time for a bath. Different times, weren't they? There were different times. People, I don't know, people now, they want to point a finger all the time. Frank's got a lovely slobbing out outfit, though. I love it. Oh, have you got some nice coffees?

It's a stripy haureen pant. Yes, it's very ethnic. I bought them in Istanbul. I love them. It's a stripy harem pant teamed with a nude ankle sock and then some sort of Henry Kissinger specs. A nude ankle

sock? What's that? It's hard to describe, really. Nude is a collar rather than a... Oh, is it? They're flesh-collared. I'm trying to pretend to the outside world I'm not wearing socks at all. Why? In your own home? Because I like the idea of going barefoot more than I like the reality of it.

Oh, OK. I think it was Persia who said the reality is even better than the dream, but they weren't talking about ankle socks. No. Almost certainly. So, yeah, ankle sock, and then there's quite an expanse of calf, and then my ethnic pants begin. Yeah.

And they are voluminous. So they're sort of shorts? No, no, no. They're the sort of thing that one might imagine Alibaba travelled about in. Oh, like an MC Hammer type pants. Yeah, very. You can't touch them. I'd say they're borderline

pantaloon. So you wouldn't even wash them, should the moment arise? No, I think I'd keep them on and she'd have to use a power hose. It's a lot of material as well. Because I was holding them out at the sides. I noticed. Yeah, and I bet you, I mean my span,

my overall trouser span, when I hold them out at the sides, I bet is four feet. All right. Rather than washing them, you just need to hire some of those people that come and clean curtains, don't you? You know, with the little hoovers. Well, they don't really get dirty, because they don't really touch me. Except at the point of elastication. After that, they're out on their own. There's two contact zones.

Yeah, exactly. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was just talking about my hanging out in the flat attire. You're probably wondering what Miss Emily Dean wears. Perhaps some of our male listeners. I must say, I've never really thought of pyjamas as elegant. Oh. I mean, I have pyjamas at home, but mine's the old-fashioned candy stripe.

Oh, nice. But Emily wears some of the nicest PJs I've ever seen. She's got some... Oh, fag. It's the nicest thing he's ever said to me. They're black with a gold piping. Am I right? Very Hefner.

Yeah. But I love the piping. They're pseudo-military. Oh, really? If you live in, you know, Toyland. Yeah, really stylish, though. Any epaulettes? No, no quality street detail.

You couldn't sleep on an epaulette. Not on a pyjama. Some people don't sleep in their pyjamas, though, do they? I've got pyjamas that I never sleep in. What do you do with them? I just pad around the house in them. I've got you mocked out as a padder. I am a padder. I mean, mostly

I don't... pyjama, mostly I go... He's only got his clothes, to be fair. I've got football shorts and a t-shirt and that guy around the house. Lisa just wears a one-piece swimsuit. Is that right? I've heard it either. And Miss Thurrock 1998 sash, lovely satin sash.

Nice. We haven't even mentioned it. Until now. I come home for breakfast, she was sitting with a bejeweled scepter. Oh, nice. It was a lot. I felt I'd walked in mid-ceremony, but now it's just... I was worried you weren't so keen on my florals, Frank.

Well, your floral pyjamas are a bit more cash but still lovely. I bet they're a designer label, aren't they? A bit more Bessie Draper, Mad Men. A bit more Surrendered Wife is the look with the floral pyjama. Surrendered Wife? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know if I've fully got that. Is that like a put-upon? John Prescott, of course. He just wears a blue crush velvet catsuit Is it wife? Yeah. Okay. I don't know if I've fully got that. No, it's like a put-upon. Yeah. Is it a put-upon? John Prescott, of course, he just wears a blue crush velvet catsuit split to the waist. He'll wear a white sneaker, but it depends on the heat. We've established I live in the same block of flats as John Prescott. Yeah.

Interestingly, I went to see Ian M. Banks interviewed at the Edinburgh Book Festival the other night. Ian M. Banks is a sci-fi writer. That's right, and Ian Banks is the same writer but non-sci-fi, isn't it? It's nice that he puts the M in so that people don't accidentally buy the sci-fi books if they dislike it.

You could argue it's a profoundly anti-sci-fi statement. Well, I've met him once and he's one of those ones that has a real bugbear when people say they don'tsci-fi statement he's well i i've met him once and he's one of those ones that has a real bugbear when people say they don't like sci-fi because there's a lot of sci-fi and a lot of different variations within the umbrella that comes under sci-fi oh yeah i love a sci-fi umbrella yeah i've got one with robbie on from forbidden planet it's beautiful lights up at night anyway alex salmon i would say it's the first time i've anyway Alex Salmond I would say

it's the first time I've ever seen him in the flesh he's a very good edit of John Prescott oh he looks like

someone has got John Prescott and just cleaned him up considerably oh really yeah and giving him Botox and stuff

taking the best bits yeah but even Alex Salmond is still a bit he's very big faced very big and the lower half of his face is enormous. He needs a trim. He looks

like he's been printed off but they were supposed to trim around the jawline. They've just left the excess on. But I must say he was brighter and funnier than the average English politician. I've heard that. Scott's people very well educated. I'm only saying that because

Doug, the engineer here at Forbes Radio has been looking at me very pensively when I've talked about Alex Hammond, so I thought I'd better say he looks like a man who could take out a gnarled walking stick at any moment and hit me with it. Or maybe he has a knife in his sock.

That is part of the culture here. Yeah, you see I can't wear them with my ankle. Your nude ankle My little, what is the name for those socks, they're sort of trainer socks I believe, pop socks I think No they're not pop socks

I'd be happy in a pop sock, I wish I could carry one off Whereas Simon Callow He could tell, we also went to see Simon Callow, We must do some show reviews because we have much to tell about the things we've seen. Some wondrous, some awful. You guess.

If you want to text us, we're on 8-12-15. And you know what? It's a good place to be. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we've talked a lot about our flat and our goings. So what about... Yeah, our domestic bliss. What about the Cockerell's home life in Edinburgh?

What about the rest? Well, I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. I did a whitewash yesterday and... A whitewash? What are you living in, an outhouse? I washed some white shirts. Oh, sorry.

I thought you meant you'd whitewashed them. No, no. Yeah, I went out and painted the stoop. I'm in 50s America. How is the stoop? Is it well-maintained, or is it one that's been allowed to dwindle? It's a flat that I'm in. It's nice, and... Well, it's nice enough.

It's confusing, though. Like I say, I did a whitewash. There's no soap powder in the flat. It's those eco. Like I say, I did a whitewash. There's no soap powder in the flat. It's those eco balls. I'm not a big fan. Well, I like an eco ball. Do you? I don't have to estimate amount then. But you don't get a nice

sort of fabric softener-y smell, do you? Your clothes have been eco balled. You don't get any nice, oh, that's nice, isn't it? It smells clean. Anyway. Have you tried Lenore? Haven't popped anything in. Haven't popped anything in. Ah, commercial radio.

Wow. Straight in with a brand new... We'll probably find Lenore. Hasn't been on the market since the 1970s. He thought, oh, we'll turn up next week to a box of 24 of it. Anyway... Has anyone from Lenore listening?

Keep it. I'm going to stick you, Lenore. You give with one hand and take away with the other. I'm interfering with the cleaner. She uses Polish products. Or is it Polish? I don't think you should talk of Emily and Liesl as the cleaner. It's not nice.

They've replaced the cleaner. It's been fabulous as a team. She's been jettisoned. That'd be worth seeing, wouldn't it? Yeah. The cleaner sort of shooting off into the... It'd be what I would call a road to Domestos experience.

Nearly worked. So tell us about the roost. Well, it's weird. It's like a lot of rental flats. It's strangely ill-equipped and strangely well-equipped. There's a cupboard absolutely full of laundry, of linen, bedding, clean towels, but not a tea towel in the whole flat. So I was cooking the other day, I went to reach for a tea towel to pick up a hot pan, none, and no...

What you need is an oven glove. I did. Well, there's not an oven glove in the flat. What you need is an assistant. I do, yeah. Well, I was looking for my harem, but I haven't worked my way up the entertainment ladder that far. If you want the harem, you've got to wear the harem pants. That's my advice.

But, yeah, nothing. If you build it, they will come. And my brother was here, and I made us an egg roll, and no ketchup, no sauce, nothing. And I realised, that's a bit weird. And then I was speaking to another comic who brought his own soy sauce to Edinburgh with him for the month. Excellent.

And it got me to wondering, what would you miss for a whole month? Have you brought any condiments? Have you got condiments in your... When you say miss for a whole month, is it your plan not to go and buy any of your own volition? I haven't gone any. I don't know. You haven't gone out and got your own? No. I suppose it'd break your heart to leave half the ketchup back here.

I would take that home. I would definitely take that home. Not half the ketchup bottle. The cockerel's careful. Well, hang on. Frank Skinner is the one who boasted midweek that he bought 24 pencils for 99 pence. They had erasers fitted. They weren't... That was brilliant.

Honestly, I only went in to buy rubble bags. What were you going in for, robble bags? Didn't I tell you? I razed our first flat to the ground in a rage. No, no, what happened is my girlfriend had to move flats for reasons of an infestation, which I might tell you about later on. She needed stuff to carry her stuff,

so I said, rubble bags is what you want. That's the cheap and easy method. And so I went and got those. But when I was in there, I saw a box of pencils, 99p. I thought, can't be right, can he? OK, it's a pound shop, but even in a pound shop, it's a knock-down price, 99p. Yeah.

24. I thought... What sort of letter are we talking now? Well, I think it's probably a bauxite derivative, admittedly. But I would say there's a fair chance, if you consider my age and general lack of exercise, those 24 pencils will last me the rest of my life. my age and general lack of exercise, those 24 pencils will last me the rest of my life.

I've probably bought my last pencil. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in on 8-12-15. The cockerel

was talking about condiments that he missed while he was in Old Reekie. Yeah, that he's refusing to replace. Yeah. Texting 584, Frank and gang, I'd be lost without my bottle of Encona hot pepper sauce. I love it. Oh, yeah, some people love a hot pepper sauce.

I don't know the Encona. It's a bit like a slightly thicker Tabasco, I suppose. Like a hot pepper sauce. So it's thick? Yeah, but... It's not like... It's not like Ronnie M. Kona. He used to work with Alistair.

When he's describing it, the cockerel's doing a sort of Rue Brothers gesture with his hand, which I rather like. A Sousan, Sousan gesture. Are you a foodie, Alan? No, well, I like food, but that does not make me a foodie. But you're living, is it coincidence that you're living above a sandwich bar? Well, the fact that I'm living above a sandwich bar means that it's no coincidence I haven't bought any tomato sauce yet, that's the truth.

But you don't walk down there with an open sandwich and say, I couldn't have a quick squirt. No. But you don't walk down there with an open sandwich and say I couldn't have a quick squirt Well actually I may have a solution for you Cockroach because 534 has a bit of secret Edinburgh tip has a secret Edinburgh tip here resource gate in the library bar of the venue the Gilded Balloon

there's a secret cupboard filled with ketchup sachets Excellent and normally I would have a moral problem with that because it is theft but the Gilded Bloom did deliberately sell other shows above mine in 2006 so I'm quite happy to claw a bit back. Claw a bit back.

I'll be up there with some panniers on my bicycle full of sauce by the end of the week. Yeah, grab a sachet. That's my advice. I'll tell you what, I couldn't... If I didn't have salt, it means I couldn't have tomatoes. It's a domino effect.

I couldn't eat a tomato without salt. Oh, right. There is no taste. A tomato is essentially a ball of tap water, flavour-wise. Oh, well, one of the TV chefs often talks about a really nice way to eat tomatoes is to put them sliced in the sunny window with some basil and pepper sprinkled on them

In the sunny window? Sun-dried tomatoes? DIY Just warmed up Alan doesn't like to buy them Not warmed by the sun That's all you can eat The idea is that a light bulb

is sufficient to keep food warm. Why not just put up a bacteria welcome here? Sorry. Now, when I eat a tomato, I put so much salt on it. It's basically just a salt ladle. It looks like it's been iced. Oh. I'm not happy with this development.

Am I a bad person? No, but it's an interesting... Anyway, I think we were asking, the Cochrane went unilateral and asked the audience, what condiment couldn't you live without? Yeah. I'm asking what continent couldn't you live without? I mean, for me, Australasia.

I'll take it or leave it. They can go, can't they? Yeah. What have they done? Nothing. I feel I might be opening a very dark and terrible door. So maybe I'm going to withdraw that. Okay.

So we have, I should explain, if you've never been to the Edinburgh Festival, it's the sort of place where, I mean, the other day I saw four comedy shows and a play in a day. Wow. Now, if I was in London and somebody said to me, what are you doing on Wednesday? And I said, I'm seeing four comedy shows

and a play. They'd say, what is it? A charity thing you have to do to be raced around town. But here, it's the norm. People go flat out. And it's a bit like, it's like chain smoking. I went to see David Sedaris the other night

with the American writer, with Emily Dean. And we left 15 minutes early so I could get to another show. There's a sense of I can't sit there, I can't be sitting there in a show. I've got shows to go to. You have to seize the battle. I saw some walkouts that I thought were for another

show the other day. Not on my own, I might add. No, of course. They walk out for an entirely different reason. But no, I saw some people that I thought were enjoying it turn on their heel and they were out. Oh, tell me about it. I thought they've got other tickets. Yeah, it's absolutely...

So we've seen... Oh, man, we've seen some shows. We've been there. Yeah. We saw... We saw Callow. We saw Simon Callow. Yes. I haven't seen some shows. We've been to... We saw... We saw Callow. We saw Simon Callow. Yes.

I haven't seen it, but I've heard things. Yeah, he's doing... Obviously, he's doing a serious... I don't know if you know, not Simon Cowell, it's Simon Callow, right? This is the bloke from a pop star to opera star who has the most equity voice. And four weddings.

Anyone's ever... Four weddings? Yeah, he was in four weddings. I think it was one wedding and three civil partnerships. I could be wrong. Got a touch of the Paul Daniels. I think I should, yes. I love a touch of the Paul Daniels.

That's just Debbie McGee, apparently. But not since about 1984. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, and we're in Edinburgh. I lost faith on the third syllable.

Good job. How often, that isn't the story of my life, I don't know what is. We were talking about shows we'd been to see, and we'd just scratched the surface of Simon Callow. Something I always like to do. Yeah, he's doing a thing called Tuesdays at Tesco's in which he plays a transvestite

who was born Paul but became Pauline. Pauline, me myself. I mean, he still keeps the same voice. He cracks out the dolly shoes. He's got the same tombra, has he? Oh, he's retained his tombra. He's very resonant, isn't he? I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.

I mean, long after the show. Yeah, and so he wears high heels. He wears heels. He's got a big calf on him, Frank. A calf on the man. I would love big calves. No, but they're beautifully defined, Simon Callow. I would love them. I honestly would. I'm not even being ironic.

I would genuinely love... It's one of my life's sadnesses that I've got very skinny lower leg. Yeah, well, see, he's got... I think I don't wish to be disrespectful to one of our finest actors, but he has a paunch. Oh. But, I mean, he's... He's like if Falstaff went to step classes regularly.

Well, he's been doing exercise. Someone told me that he could climb trees without the use of his hands. And when I saw his calf muscles, I thought, well, I can believe it now. I mean, really, it's tremendous. I mean, you have to wonder why. Why is he doing that?

What's he got in his hands? No, well, exactly, yes. But he, unfortunately, one thing that the person who wrote the play didn't know is that the Paul Pauline thing is something which has comedy resonances because I think of Paul and Pauline Carfe. Yeah. Or Paul and Pauline Carfe muscle which has comedy resonance. It's because I think of Paul and Pauline Carfe. Yeah.

Or Paul and Pauline Carfe muscle, as Simon Callow calls them. So it made it slightly ridiculous when he said, No, I am not Paul, I am Pauline. And the basic theme of the play is that if you're a transvestite, people stare at you in the street, and it's a trouble to your elderly parents. I wouldn't say it was groundbreaking. No. Well, the other thing other thing though, what is groundbreaking

is the fact that he spends an hour and 40 minutes in make-up. Which shocked me, I have to say. How long does it take to put on an acrylic wig? A bit of blue eye shadow. You mean, that's not part of the play that he's in an hour and 40? No, I read that prior to going to see it.

So I was expecting something special. Well, yeah, an hour and 40. They painted Lou Ferrigno green in three hours, apparently. Did they? Yeah, yeah. I think it must be the prosthetic calf muscles that are meant to be fitted on there. I didn't think they were his.

They look like they could be Madonna's. You know how Madonna looks like... I don't know if you've ever stripped cable, but you know when you get the entwined wires within cable? That's what Madonna's arms look like. Well, there's the callow card. He did a great stage departure, Frank, didn't he? Yeah, it's hard to explain it on radio.

No, he blew us a kiss, though. He blew a kiss, and then the hand that he sort of projected the kiss with, he kept aloft as he left the stage. So the blowed kiss became a wave. Oh, I see. With a flick of the wrist. It's not the campest thing I've ever seen. I once was at a Shirley Bassey concert

when she introduced Danny LaRue in the audience. And that still is the bar as far as I'm concerned. But it was quite calm. But he's a fabulous actor. And I laughed quite a lot were you meant to? no

I did a lot of I did a lot of that he kicked me but it was great to see the Calovian we raced off to meet the Cockrell didn't we Frank? we did and then because we had an appointment with Paul Daniels.

Yeah, we all went to see Paul Daniels. And, of course, I think it's fair to say the lovely Debbie McGee, who I didn't even know was in the show, that was a bonus. Lovely red satin dress. Did you like that? I liked it. I thought she looked very nice, you know. Thanks to Peter Spanks.

She got a big cheer. I wonder what he was going to say then. She got a big cheer on her entrance, so I was going to say, but thankfully I haven't. Yes, she did. I'm not saying that the show was run on sexist grounds, but I thought it was interesting that she didn't have a microphone. Yes.

So all her stuff was just shouted into the abyss of the hall, whereas Paul Daniels boomed. Yeah, he was amplified. But he was entertaining, though. Yeah, yeah. Come on, come with me. I have an appetite for that sort of thing. I really like sort of front-of-the-curtain,

mainstream entertainment, so I was quite giddy at certain points. Yeah, and he did the usual thing. He sawed a rabbit in half and all that things that magician did he do that? He didn't chop any rabbits up

There was a rabbit in it. He watched a different show Did you nod off at some point? When he got the rabbit out he said I should pull this rabbit, he said I've bought this old hat with me and I thought I wouldn't, if I was you I wouldn't introduce the concept of old hat into the audience's minds. You've got to choose your phraseology very carefully.

But I mean, I would, you know, I'd recommend it. I enjoyed, as you say, it was a walk down memory lane, but he still got it. Oh, definitely. I enjoyed it. I'll tell you what I was doing this week, by way of strange entertainment. I was looking at, you know Optrex?

Oh. You know, the eye drops? Yes. I was looking at their website. Yeah, that's a site for sore eyes. This is Frank Skinner on absolute radio frank we've had a text in on 8 12 15 okay this is from now normally we just um read the numerals out but in this case i'm going to name check the person because he says hi frank bernie clifton here fan heading south heading south i

thought they couldn't fly. He says not a euphemism in any way. Oh, OK. I've seen lots of... Oh, he's on form already. He's on fire. How exciting. Clifton's on fire this morning.

Because in the past, Bernie Clifton has been ostracised. Very good. Thank you very much. Seen lots of great talent. Best for me, Ian de Montfort. P.S. Congrats to your Liesel. That's very much. Seen lots of great talent. Best for me, Ian de Montfort. P.S. Congrats to your Liesel. That's our producer.

Yes. On her October 1st nuptials. No invite for us yet. And the location, Ipswich, Burnie C. Well, I must say, first of all, it's a great honour to hear from you. Yeah. Yeah. And, yeah.

What's the connection? Are you, I didn't know you had Cliftonian connections, Lisa. What's the connection? I don't. You don't? Oh, he's just turning up, is he? He's some sort of gatecrasher. He's brazen with it, isn't he?

Bernie Clifton in the sequel to The Wedding Crashers. Thumping at the door and an ostrich just comes in with Bernie on the back. Is he your relative? No. Friend? Come on. Friend of on the back. Is he your relative? No. Friend? Come on. Friend of my boyfriend's. Friend of your boyfriend's.

Brilliant. Married into a showbiz dynasty. Oh, and we ran into Jiminy Cricket's son-in-law yesterday. Yes. And Paul Daniels. All these things come in threes. So that's October 1st, the wedding. We met his son-in-law and he didn't even beckon us to watch it.

What a letdown. He did tell a story that had there's more in it, though, didn't he? He did. I used to love Jimmy Cricket. I think he's really funny. Oh, for pity's sake. Oh, sorry, that was my Simon. His dad was a character in the play, Simon Callow.

And he was like a cockney, wasn't he? Oh, for pity's sake. What are you doing, Paul? Pauline, father. Oh, I'm calling you. It was fabulous. My father, who's from a 1948

black and white British movie, he was brilliant. Oh, Paul, what's going on? But anyway, I don't know if we can follow a Cliftonownian contact, but that's brilliant. We have got something,

and just make a note, everyone, October 1st for the wedding. Yes. So we'll wait for those invites. Oh, dear. No, I don't think that'll happen. Ironically, Lisa's got her head in the sand. That's a little ostrich joke. Yeah, it's brilliant.

Thanks very much. I didn't have the confidence to just leave it there. Frank, we've had another text in. I'm trying to think of a suspense reference now for the Clifton Suspension Bridge. But I know we just don't have time for me to add the elements as if accidentally before I draw them all together.

We've had another text in. This is from 904. I agree with Frank. Tomatoes... Have they put a name? If they've put a name, I'd like to know their name. Of course. In this instance, there is no name.

There's a simple K, actually, I've just noticed. Just the one. That one's sort of Franz Kafka style. Joseph K. So this is from Joseph K. k i agree with frank tomatoes without salt is like bread without butter also cold new potatoes dipped into a mini mountain of salt is just the best by the way frank you've spoiled my image of you this morning i thought you were so famous that you'd have maids and butlers to look after you well well that's incorrect um joseph k but um it's interesting that you that

you brought that up um k because uh i i had an act of something happened to me this week which was uh a disillusion of the first order as far as a famous figure is concerned i'm going to play one of my musical choices first just to brace brace myself for this. I might need a glass of water. And perhaps, um, I might need some flannel work from one of you two. We are Absolute Radio and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.

Absolute Radio. So, uh, yeah, so the public figure who I'm referring to, who disillusioned me this week, is an Edinburgh legend. Oh. And what it was, I was walking towards Grassmarket, an area of Edinburgh, with Miss Emily Dean,

and we passed the Greyfriars Bobby statue. Now, Greyfriars Bobby, as some of you might all know, was a dog who lived in Edinburgh. And his master, as they used to call him in those days, this was before democracy. His master... That's still what I have to call you. Before Pet Enlightenment.

Exactly. Exactly. And his master died and Bobby refused to leave the gravesite and stayed there 14 years 14 years he stayed there and locals would come and say Bobby you might as well go

he's not there anymore he's been dissolved by dog urine they didn't say that last part Alan but that's inevitably what would happen if a dog was on your grave for 14 years there wouldn't be a bit of you left

would there I'm not even mentioning the dog Lyme Frank can I say I'm going to call it

dog's looking rather angry yes he's got his letter no he thought I said dog urine

dog but no Greyfriars Bobby has become a sort of symbol of loyalty whenever I see that Greyfriars Bobby statue there's a little. But no, Greyfriars Bobby has become a sort of symbol of loyalty, hasn't he? Well, whenever I see that Greyfriars Bobby statue, there's a little statue, a life-size of this dog.

It's one of those dogs, it's a terrier of some kind. It's one of those that looks like it's got a parting on its face. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what kind of dog that is. Perhaps dog, what kind of dog is it? I think you're right, it's some kind of terrier. Some kind of terrier. It is a terrier.

I think dogs are being deliberately vague about it, and we'll find out why in a minute. Do you want to know, he's a purebred of terrier. It is a terrier. I think dogs are being deliberately vague about it and we'll find out why in a minute. Do you want to know he's a purebred sky terrier? Allegedly. I did about, I think, a 28 page... Sky terrier, but he's got a big dish. Oh. I did a 28 page project

on him when I was a child. Did you? I did. Is there enough to say about Greyfriars? I wrote very big. Yeah. Oh, well. I found a lot to Did you? I did. Is there enough to say about Grapefries? I wrote very big. Yeah. Oh, well. I found a lot to say. He was one of my heroes,

which is why the news that I discovered this week, I think I was shocked to the core, Frank. I mean, you haven't told me the full story. You were just intimating. What did I say to you then? Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to operate as a teaser here, because I have certain, I have professional obligations.

We'll come back to what I'm now calling the Greyfriars Bobby scandal. Oh. Yeah. Cliff Hammond. We only have this, X-Files. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio.

Yeah, we were talking about Greyfriars Bobby, local legend up here, the terrier that slept on his... Sky terrier. Yeah, that lay on his dead master's grave for 14 years as a great symbol of loyalty. Well, can I tell you what's now come to light? There was no deceased master. I'm saying that in quotes. No deceased master, you say?

No, there was no deceased master you say no there was no deceased master um apparently what was he after bones frank a professor at cardiff university has discovered that he it's now assumed that the whole thing i love it when the colonials are squabbling amongst themselves the welsh and the scots we just sit back. It was a fabrication. If you like an early PR stunt, the cemetery curator and a Victorian, I think he was like a restaurant owner, they cooked it up.

They cooked this up. A restaurant owner cooked it up. It's like the ploughman's lunch. It was invented in the 1980s as an advertising. Is that right? Yeah. So, Frank... Ploughman, they didn't care for cheese, apparently.

Ploughman? Yeah. You offer a. So, Frank... Ploughmen, they didn't care for cheese, apparently. Ploughmen? Yeah. You offer a ploughman pickle, he'd combine harvest you. Oh, God. No, but... So, but the dog exists. Listen, don't get me wrong. There were random strays all over the shop.

I'm sure. But they happened to be in the graveyard, and I think they were opportunists and thought, let's pretend one of these is mourning for his master. But did it stay on the grave for 14 years? They gave it food, yeah. Oh, I see. There was more than one Gravefries Bobby, Frank.

What? You're kidding me. You look really upset. Skip it, when they used to be in sacks in the back of a 4x4. Yeah. Well, I mean, so anyway, I didn't know the full story, but I did. Well, let's call him, let's not call him Grey Fries Bob, but let's call him Bobby Charlatan. Yeah.

After the great England star of the 1950s, 60s. I felt so upset after that 28-page project. I felt a bit like I felt when George Michael came out. It was a wasted use. Well, I haven't felt like this since the Hitler Diaries. That's, no, that is a shocker and yeah see i always thought as well where was the wife oh yeah because if it was inside washing the smalls it would have been a different story though wouldn't if it had been like grey friars karen some woman who lay there for 14 years filthy in her own mire karen go home he's dead you know it wouldn't it wouldn't have had that lovely story you don't want a statue of some sort of clawing mad homeless woman reaching out at you violently in uh in the grass market no but the dog

thing fitted perfect but it's a great story. I congratulate them. Oh, yeah. On their invention. They've done well. Well, I've just realised, when I met my in-laws, they had a terrier called Bobby. I don't know if it was a nod.

I don't know if it was a nod to Greyfriars. And they're Scottish, aren't they? No. Oh. It's my family that's Scottish. Oh, yeah. My in-laws are very English. I know it was in there somewhere.

I, um... I mean, I'm having a fabulous time up in Edinburgh, but I saw, I have to say, I saw four of the ugliest people I've ever seen in my life. In a group. I mean, in a group. I don't mean over the space of the time I've been up here. A sketch group or just a group?

No, there were just four... Just a gathering. Four young men walking down near the Omni Centre. I saw them around about the Leith Walk area. And each of them was wearing a hooded top, hood up. And honestly, the trouble is with a hooded top, I mean, I wear a hooded top myself, as you know. I try not to get the hood up because what the hood does,

it frames the facial features. And there are some facial features, it's better if they're offset by landscape and shoulders. Rather than that, you don't want to focus in on something. And these were four. They must have been related, even though they were very similar age. They could have been quads, I suppose.

Quads, maybe. They looked like they might have come out of the same egg. That was it. They were anticipating the arrival of a crocodile, and these four came. They got the hoods up. It looked like, if you can imagine, a post-nuclear Scottish Widows advert.

But I'd love to know why they were together, if they weren't related. Oh, my God. I think during festival, you've got to just guess sketch troupe. Do you think? All the time. What would they have advertised in the stage? It was probably some street theatre that you didn't even realise.

There might have even been prosthetic masks. I don't. If they did, it was a hell of a job. God, if Simon Callow took an hour and 40, I don't know what they would have taken for this. I'd say they'd taken about 15 or 16 years in make-up, in God's make-up chair. They don't sound great. No, they had a...

Fabulous... The hoods gave them a sort of medieval... I think that they would have been... Had they grown up in medieval Scotland or England, they would have been officially classified as monsters. Well, I was swimming the other day and saw a man by the poolside with the biggest nipples I've ever seen. Really?

Seriously. You're sure it wasn't breathing apparatus? They were like, you know, and I know you're a fan of the coaster, you know, sometimes you see those ones that look like wood. They look like a branch that's been chopped. Oh, yeah. They were like that. They were exactly like that.

You're not talking about the protuberance. You're talking about the aureole. The full thing, yeah. He's just lucky that he's not a scaramanga or he'd have sank. I'm sure it would have affected his buoyancy. That's really ginormous. It would never occur to me to notice a man's nipples. Why would I?

But they were that big. I couldn't take my eyes off them. It makes me wonder if that hasn notice a man's nipples. Why would I? But they were that big. I couldn't take my eyes off them. It makes me wonder if that hasn't been an accident or something. What sort of accident? Bullet wounds or something. Maybe he was in Honolulu. He was in Honolulu and he thought, I'll try one of these coconut shell braziers.

It had got hot in the sun and he's had two major burns. Anyway, we draw to the end of this show. Mark Crossley is up next. If you want to listen to more of this, some people do, you can download the Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday. We'll still be in Edinburgh next week. We're having the best time. It's fabuloso.

So thank you very, very much for listening. And end of line. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.