The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Fairy Tales

Episode Date: March 29, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth reveal which fairy tales affected them as children and they continue their banter about Peter The Wild.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hi.

Welcome to Not The Midweek Podcast, Frank Skinner, in association with Absolute Radio. Oh. I think that's... At least. Yeah. At least in association. Yeah.

If not actually entwined. I feel entwined. I feel an absolute tendril around my right ankle as we speak. Can't they bunch up those wires or something? Well, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day. Not according to the building schedule I examined recently at the British Museum. Here we are anyway, chatting away. Well, I say chatting away, we've only just started.

But let's hope it goes that direction. Sandy Mason's joined us again. Yeah, Sandy Mason, who was on the show on Saturday, is still lingering like a beautiful smell of a summer rose. And I take her everywhere now. She's a little bit like Sam, Derek Accor, as familiar. Sometimes I speak...

Your entryway to the spirit world. Yeah, well, not so much the spirit world, although she, goodness knows, she gets through enough of that. There's something of the psychic about her. Do you think? She's got that vibe. I think she's got the sight i think she could do a tea leaf without without a second thought but i've never asked her to oh i wouldn't and um i think you do you read the cards uh you tell people that

i do but yeah i read the cards but only the ones in phone boxes. But before we begin, we've begun. It's as simple as that. I had a request this week from Radio 4. They wanted me to take part in a documentary.

Lovely. And they said they wanted me to take part in a documentary. Lovely. And they said they wanted me to take a part in a documentary about a topic which I must admit I'm no expert on. And their reasons for wanting me to take part are bizarre in the extreme.

But the documentary is about A.E. Houseman. No. I heard they changed the alarm. And I thought it was Absolute Radio tittle-tattle. But fancy that. But no, they said

we're doing a documentary and we thought your radio show would be an interesting example of how A.E. Houseman has entered into popular culture. Which I wouldn't say he's done en masse. No, I think ours might be the only example of it. I was mentioning that Terminator thing that Ross Noble sent us. Stop name dropping, Gareth. What, the Terminator? He's a fictional character.

That's how desperate you are. Yeah. What, the Terminator? He's a fictional character. That's how desperate you are. Yeah. He said he'd be back, but I haven't seen him for weeks. Those stories, how you were out with Jeremy Fisher the other night on a lily pad pond thing.

Jeremy Fisher, is he the frog or is he a toad? He's the frog, alright. He's not a toad. In a toad? He's the frog, all right. He's not a toad. In a lovely tuxedo jacket and a pantaloon. And a dainty leg he's got. A lovely leg. I imagine him ever dancing, Jeremy Fisher.

Maybe a cigarette holder, Frank, as well. It's unusual for a frog. Did they smoke in Beatrix Potter? Yeah, they were allowed in those days. Animals smoked then. Makes them a bit croaky, but... Meanwhile, over at Radio 4... days. Oh, God, life. Animals smoked then. Makes them a bit croaky, but... Yeah, I know. Meanwhile, over at Radio 4... Of course, he was

living in Libya for a while, but he left because it was a no-fly zone. Oh. He was, you know, couldn't get any scoff. Anyway, the producer tensed up then, thought that was going to be some big political statement, tended to be a joke about frogs eating flies.

She should know me well enough to know that it was going to go down, down, down. Sorry, Gareth. In a way, it was a political statement. Was it? OK. So, yeah, I'm going to do it. Because I like the idea. Yeah, me on an AE.

It's a documentary about how the country's abuzz with A.E. Houseman, how he's broken into the mainstream. Well, not so much a boss as a... You know, whether they'll want me to do the original alarm, I don't know. You'll have to have that with you. Well, I'll have to ask the absolute engineers. I don't know if you've have to have that with you. I'll have to ask the absolute engineers. I don't know if you've seen them. They're strange

characters in blue overalls that one sometimes stumbles across in a studio. I've seen them taking dog air off the wall in Studio 4. Yeah, that's because... That's from Peter the Wild. I heard he'd got his own. He's sitting in, I think, for Ronnie Wood.

No, it's Ben Jones' pet. It's his Ben Jones has Peter the Wild. Is that right? Didn't they use a leather strap? In case you didn't listen to Saturday's show, Peter the Wild was a... How was he described? A child savage.

A child savage who was kept by George I on a leash. Yeah, a child savage pet. Yeah, I mean, it's wrong. But they used to eat him with a leather strap to keep him in awe, is what they said. I wondered where you'd got that idea. Yeah. Well, it's very hard to keep people in awe when you've been in the business as long as I have. And it's funny, actually.

It's funny. I should mention that. And by God, I say funny, but obviously it's inverted commas, in case anyone's going to query. I don't know if you're aware of it, but at the moment, my girlfriend's sister is living with us. Oh, yeah. And we were watching, the three of us, we were watching...

The Triumvirate, that's what you need to call it. We were watching the Louis Spence's show business. Have you seen that? Oh, no, I used to watch his work on Pineapple Dance Studios. Well, I loved that. I thought that was excellent. And we were all very excited that a series was coming back, even though it had a different title. Anyway, we were watching it and...

I think Louis Spence sort of fills the role that Peter the Wild would have filled in their culture. Do you think? For the present day, I think. Yeah, I bet he's... Well, he'd be all right on a leash because he does that, you know? One of his only dances is that thing he used to do in Cats when he gets on all fours and sort of wiggles the behind.

He would have met a very good contemporary Peter the Wild and not a bad piano stool at Clarence House. Anyway, we watched it. I'd say that in the past we've all been fans of Louis Spence and it was odd. We suddenly said, the three of us, I think Rachel, my girlfriend's sister, said first of all, you know what,

I don't think I ever want to watch that again. And I'd been thinking that, but I was peer pressure. And I said, you know, I, and before I could say it, Kat said I agree. I never, ever, the terrible thing is it was,

we sat sort of watching it and we didn't really say this until it was... We sat sort of watching it and we didn't really say this until it was ending. So we were giving it the best chance we could. And the terrible thing was it ends with Ethel Merman singing There's No Business Like Show Business. One of my favourite songs. Yeah, so it was the perfect... Really, it summed up what show business was all about

because we're saying, well, he used to be good, but I despise him now. There's no business. I've heard he's vile as well in person. There's no people like soap. I mean, they didn't have enough material for a first series. Everything about it is appealing. And that's it.

We even, and this was a moment, I even went to Sky Plus where we had another couple of episodes stored and deleted. Oh, you didn't delete. You didn't press delete. I don't know about you, but when I delete from Sky Plus,

something dies in me. No matter what the programme is, I always think, once I've clicked, I always think, oh, maybe I would have wanted that. I had a last surge of Louis Spence as it went, but now it's gone.

Oh, Frank, that's quite disappointing when that happens, though, isn't it? It was strange. I thought he was great, and now I despise him. You see, I think what's happened with him, I think you go off someone when they become too aware of how funny they're being. It's a bit like Charlie Sheen, you see. That's what, I went off him.

Yeah, Charlie Sheen. I've gone off Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I mean, once he's got a bottle with tiger blood on it and a T-shirt with winning. No, he's a parody of him. I don't want him to profit from his mental unwellness. He's Vanessa, Vanessa Parody. I want him to be mentally unwell.

I don't want him to profit from it. Don't be in on the joke. No, this is the problem. But I don't like it when you go off things. It just kind of feels a bit depressing. You know that really big woman on Coronation Street? Is she a Vanessa Parody? I was just thinking about it.

There was a time when... I take the most chance of her ever getting off with Johnny Depp. Sorry? I was going to say there was a very awkward moment in the court when Peter the Wild got in on the joke and started playing up to it. Yeah, exactly. Started wearing the Peter the Wild T-shirt. And he actually bought four pairs of werewolf gloves from a joke shop.

Yeah. Who wants that? Yeah. And that bone. Oh, he's got a bone in his mouth. Ha, ha, that? Yeah. And that bone. Oh, he's got a bone in his mouth. Ha, ha, ha, Peter. Just get out. Yeah, that was...

Well, that's what happened. Whether they deleted him from the Georgian equivalent of Sky Plus, who can say? Oh, I like the Peter. I think Peter the Wild has replaced long-term prisoner Charles Bronson on this show. He's part of the show. Friend of the show. How marvellous.

I'm going to do it. Peter the Wild. Friend of the show. Ah, we've given him a whole new lease of life. Whole new leash. You'll be delighted. What I found with him, the minute you picked up the leash, he was at the door. He was ready, Peter the Wild.

But, Frank, some said the leash was gold, some said leather. Some said leather, some said gold. How can you have a gold leash? Is it like that John Donne poem when it was gold to airy thinness beat? Well, it was the court of George I. He could have what he wanted. I suppose so. Anyway, that's enough about him.

So, yeah, it's hard when you really like someone and go off it suddenly. It happened to me with Leodama Light Life as well. Do you know that sliced cheese you can get? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love the Leodama. I mean, I went for the Light Life. That's the lower calorie one. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love the Leodama. I mean, I went for the Light Life.

That's the lower calorie one. Oh, yeah. And I got to the point where I had it virtually every meal. If I had a sandwich of something else, Yeah. I'd chuck a Leodama rectangle on there.

I used it as package and padding, whatever they called it. I remember once I had a ham and tomato sandwich and the tomato was soaking into the bread. So I lagged it with a slice of Leodama Light Life. Yeah. Load-bearing Leodama.

Leodama. Can't say it. No, come on, have another go. Load-bearing Leodama. Yeah, there you go. See? It's all with that Robert the Bruce. And you just went off it?

I went off it, but I went off it in a... I didn't even get through the pack that was in the fridge. There was only, like, two slices left. And one day I opened the door, and it was a Louis Spence moment. There was no Ethel Merman. No. But I just thought, oh, no. Yeah.

And I left it there for a couple of days in the fridge. It was... I mean, the top was... It was opened, you you know just two slices at the bottom and i thought shall i and i could not i could not and in the end they went in the bin just like deleting that um you go although i would eat out the bin you gorged yourself i don't know i yeah i mean i know i suppose we're all familiar you know it can happen in relationships that moment when you just think i I love you. Oh, no. I hate you.

Dancing around the bandstand. Yeah, exactly. Dancing around. But when it happens with Leah Danman-Light, no, you can't. I don't like it. It takes the wind out of your sails. Sometimes, Frank, when I'm reading a book, I'll go off it. Like in the middle of the book. Yeah.

Do you do that? But sometimes a book that you're massively enthusiastic about about 10 chapters yeah and then i think oh i've really gone off you i might throw it across the room that's it it's over i think we're back to george and peter i imagine george the first getting him swinging on the leash like an olympic hammer thrower and the the servants racing across to open a sash window sometimes he got got Peter straight out, sometimes he just smashed into the frame. Oh, God, is it too late to get one?

I don't think it would be morally acceptable now. I'm not scouring the forests. What, to get a PTW? Although, apparently, Ireland are going to give William and Kate Jedward as a present. And they're going to fulfil a very similar role. Oh, two-hander. You could get a double leash.

Yeah. I think that would be all right. Or one each. Yeah. You could, but it would be unsavoury. I had that. I went off the film. I mean, I watched the Life Aquatic with Steve Zizi. Oh, I've never seen that. I loved that film. I watched it over and over again. Life Aquatic. I thought I could watch the film. I mean, I watched the Life Aquatic with Steve Zizi.

Oh, I've never seen that. I loved that film. I watched it over and over again. Life Aquatic. I thought I could watch this film. I'm not familiar. What's it about? It's a Wes Anderson film. It's got Bill Murray in, and he's like a marine documentary maker.

That put me off. Yeah. And I watched it lots of times, and I thought, I could just watch this film forever. And now the thought of it makes me physically sick. Physically sick? Yeah. That's the bends you've got.

Why did you go off it? I watched it too many times. Oh, that'll be you. Again, the gorging. It's the overdoing. The gorging. Gorging. Yeah, I over-gorged on Louis Spence.

I can see now, whenever I see that pelvic swivel of the cat impression oh god he needs to be spayed released back into the wild I'd like to see Louis gone feral

I think we're moving back to Peter it's the new documentary Louis gone feral. I wouldn't have minded that. Louis gone feral. Didn't he do Don't Worry, Be Happy? Did you say that thing about who pays for a meal? I think I might have, yes.

I, um... As a lady... Do look like a lady! How dare you! What, sorry? You just sung Do Looks Like a lady. How dare you? What, sorry? You just sung do looks like a lady in reference to me. You're a lady who looks like a lady. Thank you.

What a wonderful compliment. The nicest thing you've ever said to me. What a wonderful compliment. I said that she's a lady who looks like a lady. Exactly. We're not all. Mrs Brown's boys, that's a good one. I don't look like Mrs Brown's boys. Exactly. We're not all. Mrs. Brown's Boys, that's a good show. I don't look like

Mrs. Brown's Boys. No. And FYI, that's not a good show. I like it. I know you do. I'll have to give it a look. It's been recommissioned.

Has it? I'm championing it on this show. Yeah, I know you are. Yeah. Shame. So, sorry, what were you saying?

Well, if you went out for a meal with a gentleman, when the bill came, what would normally be the procedure? I always pay. No, I go halves. What I do is I get out my wallet and... Wave it around. Hold on, you have a wallet? Yeah, I have a wallet. As opposed to a purse. Well, it's a housekeeping purse, but, you have a wallet? yeah I have a wallet as opposed to a purse well it's a housekeeping purse but it's like a wallet a housekeeping purse?

is that like a house coat? no, it's very Downton Abbey is it quilted nylon? it's for a housekeeper you know the place I always go to the posh stationery place where the cards are £50 for Christmas oh is it that place that's something something to do with david cameron's wife exactly okay um so i get out

my wallet slash purse yeah and i do the charade i go oh no no no let's go halves let's go halves yeah and do you mean it i sort of mean, because the slight feminist in me thinks, well, actually, I don't want their expectations rising. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want them thinking, well, I've bought her a meal now. So... And so, tit for tat, as it were.

Well, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Tit for taters. No. I don't want any tat. OK. So, normally, carry on, what happens is I'll make the offer. I don't really mean it. Wouldn't tits for taters be some fabulous sort of charity campaign? Anyway, sorry, carry on.

I'll phone Comet Relief and see if we can knock something together. I'll make the offer. Yeah. And worryingly, often they will say yes they'll say yes fine hmm well what are they supposed to do at that point they're supposed to say no no no no no i'll get i'll get this um what about i see what they were talking about in this article in particularly i think was it was a first date so what they were talking about in this article in particular, I think, was a first date. So what they were saying, we should just say, they were suggesting that attractive women expect their date to pay for dinner.

Is that right? Yes. And plain James, as they're well known. This is one of the problems. There is no Christian name that rhymes with attractive. I might call, if I ever have a daughter, I might call her Mac Pactive. Mac Pactive.

Mac Pactive Skinner. And then people will say, if you go out with an attractive Mac Pactive or a plain Jane, and suddenly I've made her an iconic name. Mac Pactive Skinner. Horrible child. I have pressure on her to be attractive. Mac Pactive soundsner. Horrible child. Sort of pressure on her to be attractive. Mac Pactive sounds like a sort of transformer toy, doesn't it? So, yes, that was the theory.

Pretty good. But don't attractive people just expect life to be a series of open doors and handouts? How would I know? Oh, come on, that's your brother. Exactly, you must have some insight into this, Gareth, with your brother. Has he ever put his hand in his pocket? Never.

Have you ever put your hand in his pocket? That's so attractive, he is. No, but I hope to. So does he never pay for anything? No. Oh, how lovely. He doesn't have to. At her birthday, she says,

oh, I was going to get you a present, but... I'm so good looking, I don't have to her birthday he says oh i was gonna get you a present but i'm so good looking i don't have to i find on a on a first date yeah often um women i've been out with in the past will will say oh no let's go halves and i'll say no no okay no no i really you know let's go yeah and um and they never do that again it's just that first day it's to drag it's a lost leader as they say in the retail world it's just to get you in because always at the back of your mind there's a sense of oh well probably the next meal she'll offer to go but can i ask you frank so what's your view of the woman if she offers to go halves do you like it do you think it's good i do like i'll be absolutely honest with you.

And this makes me sound like some sort of skin flint. Oh, excellent. Bring it on. But often, if a woman is very insistent with me, not always, whoever I'm dining with, if they're very insistent on going 50-50 and we do go 50-50, I'm mentally spending the money I've saved before we're out of the restaurant. Say if it's like 60 quid and I'm all spending the money I've saved before we're out of the restaurant say if it's like 60 quid

and I'm all set to pay 60 and they're going to know I think that's 30 quid I got I'll go to Forbidden Planet and splash out or get another hoodie it's like a gift, yeah well actually I can only get two thirds an extra 19 for that

yeah, that's the 45 oh, okay yeah, but I do like it. But if I was a woman, because there is a long tradition, I know it would be in the back of my mind I'm in with a chance of getting it for free. Getting what for free? Getting a meal for free.

Oh, sorry. And I don't know if I'd be able to resist just at least testing the water. Do you know what I'm saying? But do you think it makes the woman look less attractive? And I am asking because I would like some advice. If she pays 50-50. Do you think I should just stop paying?

And then if I behave like one of these beautiful women, they'll think I am. No, but A, you are a beautiful woman. Thank God that came. I thought you were never coming. No, like an hour. I was fighting it, but I thought, oh, come an hour! I was fighting it, but I thought, oh, come on, we just can't move on until I've said it.

The wait, the wait was interminable. I'm sweating all over. To me, I like it. I like the sense that this person, first of all, is making a point that she believes in equality,

she believes in sharing, that she doesn't assume because I'm some big name star. Oh, God. I'm speaking retrospectively now. I'm wondering about when I went out for dinner maybe 20 years ago. Yeah. That I'm going to shell out. Yeah. So I actually, I'm all for it.

Oh. What do you think I'm all for it. Oh. What do you think, Gareth? Yes. It's a while since I dated, but normally, sometimes I pay. Well, the thing is, Laura makes so much more money than me. It's her money anyway.

Oh. What's the point to me paying? What do you mean it's her money anyway? It's what she makes most of the money, basically. You're on an allowance. Well, we have, you know, we have a joint account and like... You take out, she puts in. Yeah.

I mean, I make some money. Yeah, of course. But we don't keep it separate. No. I get stressed out. She may as well have ended up with a good looking brother. Yeah. Well.

I feel we've scratched, not just into the surface, but into the dark, throbbing core of your relationship. Maybe we should move on at this point. But I'm... Laura, don't take that advice. If you fled the relationship to a... You know, say if you decided to flee... If I decided to be a homeless person. Would you

empty the account before going? Gareth the Wild he'd become. Well, I just, I mean thought must have crossed your mind. No, there's not much in the account. Oh, you've checked. Quite recently. Sandy Mason's moved position.

It's like help when they keep popping up everywhere unexpectedly. It's a filmic effect. It's the Jedi look that she goes for. She's able to materialise. What's the word? Jaunting? Is that what

they call it? Jaunting? Is it jaunting when you can... You used to be on the Tomorrow people. I like the way you looked at Gareth because he looked a bit geeky and he might not. I'm looking for him as my sci-fi source. I would love a bit of sci-fi source. No, I've never heard of that. Jaunting. I might have got it

wrong. God knows I've been wrong before. There was a really good... There was a story about how there was a survey good there was a story about how there was a survey saying that um parents no longer tell their children classic fairy tales because i think they're too scary so things like rapunzel is too scary and um hansel and gretel rompels stilt skin your rompels stilt skin oh it's a horrible and um a lot of, yeah, all the ones with lots of... What about Straw Pater? Oh. Straw Pater, he used to bite, does he bite his fingernails?

Is that what he does? He used to bite his fingernails and so in the end they cut his fingers off with scissors. He had sort of Tina Turner hair, didn't he? Yeah. It really scared me, that. Of course, nowadays you can't get away with that. What, political correctness? Yeah, no. Oh, no, political correctness.

God, Peter the Wild. The bottom's fallen out of the market. No, you couldn't take Peter the Wild out of the wild now. No, you couldn't. You know, with conservation, they'd have to say, keep him there. Exactly. He's got to stay in the wild. He'd be preserved.

Don't want to disturb the rainforest. He'd be on a reserve. Yeah. That's what to disturb the rainforest. It'd be on a reserve. Yeah. That's what it'd be. I've got him on a reserve. I've put 200 quid now. Yeah, but this article said that those stories are very important in shaping your morality, you know, right and wrong.

You need the extremes to learn about good and bad. Can I just ask, if Peter the Wild went on, if he escaped and went on the run do you think a police officer would have turned up at george the first palace and say nothing so far but we have found a couple of leads so what about well you're a father you what do you read um ethan stories yeah yeah we do there's not classic ones um he likes um char Lola. It's very good. Charlie and Lola? What?

It's a big brother, Charlie, and a little sister, Lola. And they get into all sorts of scrapes. Oh, that's like the modern day Topsy and Tim. That's what I had in my day, you see. Yeah, Ethan really likes scary stuff. We had a story called The Big Scary Monster. Well, you must admit, you can't have been totally surprised when that turned out to be. No, and he loves Big Scary Monster. That's what he says. Huh?

He's a big fan of that. Mm. A story that... I was thinking about the stories that affected me as growing up, and a story people used to tell in assembly just all the time. The little boy with the good-looking brother? That affected you? Oh, that one.

Yeah. No. OK. It turns out, I don't know what it was called, but I've done research and it's called The Gift of the Magi. Do you know this story? Yes, I think I do remember that, actually. Is it about gold frankincense or myrrh?

No, it's got nothing... Well, it is to do with that, but sort of at the end, and I don't understand how. It's about a young married couple, Della and Jim. Right. And they've got no money to buy... Or they've got very little money to buy Christmas presents. Della's greatest asset is she's got lovely long hair.

Oh, I can't for that. They're all on the edge of our seats. Yeah. It says it goes right down to her knees, which Laura says she doesn't like it if the hair's that long. Well, it depends where it starts. It can go but Peter the Wild. Peter.

Oh, Peter the Wild. I love the show. What do you think he spoke like? I imagine, I am as you say. I like it. I thought I was guessing it was like that. He could only say Peter and King George. Oh, Peter.

King George. It said he said it in a strangled way. King George. He's out, he's out, Peter. He's haunting. King George. He's out.'s out peter he's haunting king dad you can't he's out yeah peter he's oh he's he's harping on a theme sorry gary so della had lovely long hair and jim had a gold watch that he was very very proud of and so what kind of equation is that gold watch

it's very long so for christmas what della she was equation is that? Don't watch this. It's very long. So for Christmas, what Della... She was very stressed that she didn't have a lovely money to buy him a present. Didn't have a lovely money? Joe's old chair again. Yeah, just a minute. Should we be sitting cross-legged for this section? I didn't think you were going to tell us that. I'm going to tell

you the story because it's got... Okay, let's start. So she didn't have a lovely money to buy him a present with. A lovely money. Yeah. I's start. So she didn't have a lovely money to buy him a present with. A lovely money. I don't know why she didn't move to a Cardiff. Yeah, okay. She had long hair.

Jim had what? Yes. Yes, we know that. We're not chilled. You don't have to tell us everything 20 times. So what Della did to buy Jim a present is she went and she sold her hair.

She sold her hair? She sold her hair. That's a nice present. To a hair shop. I don't know where she sold it. Hair shop? I don't know. Where would you sell your hair, Emily? I don't know. It was the olden days. You wouldn't. It was the olden days. People do sell their hair. Yeah, you sell your hair, Emily? I don't know. It was the olden days. Yeah, you wouldn't. It was the olden days. People do sell their hair.

Yeah, you sell it to Bedlam. Bedlam? Yes, that's what they called it in the olden days. No, no, but people sell them to wickmakers now. Oh, wickmakers, yeah. It must be because you get real hair. I know, I got that the wrong way round. What are they taking from corpses?

They take it from Bedlam to people. Right. Okay. So, yeah. And she bought Jim a platinum watch strap, a watch chain. We're still on the watch. I'm telling you, this is why she sold the hair, to buy a watch chain, a platinum watch chain. And Jim, I'm guessing, he sold the girl a watch to buy her a hairnet.

Oh, he's angry. He's furious because you've ruined it. You've given away the whole end of it. Yeah, that's what happens, basically. So Jim buys her some lovely tortoiseshell combs for the hair. Actually, is that the colour or are they made from the... They're made from tortoiseshells. From a carapace.

This was the olden days. This was the olden days. They've taken a carapace and fashioned it into some sort of comb. That's what they did. That's why it's called, tortoise shell. OK. And then, so Jim comes home and Della's got, you know, she looks like Sigourney Weaver in Alien.

Yeah. And he looks really worried and she says, and there's the big reveal, you've given away what happens at the end. You've given away the end of the story. I thought you ruined it for everyone. When did I do that? Well, because Jim had got her hair combs and she'd um jim sold his watch to buy hair combs yeah and that's the end of the story supposed to be a lovely happy

ending of the story because oh and really didn't they weren't they the best gifts of all no that that was a that is a terrible christmas But where does the magi come in? Well, because they kind of said that it's a bit like the gifts of the magi. I don't know why it's like the gifts of the magi. They get to be in the title and they're no more than a simile. Yeah, it's just at the end. I'm waiting for the clip club of a broach in camels. Is that it?

And there's not much myrrh featuring in that tale. More myrrh? Yeah. Or mirth, for thatrrh featuring in that tale. More myrrh? Yeah. Or mirth, for that matter. Well, that is a strange... That story really got me down as a kid. Yeah. Just rubbish Christmas.

I never got those kind of fictional stories from my parents. I just got Dad's tales from his life, many of which were quite harrowing. His uncle, Tom Shanks, carried a horse across the market square in Gateshead. He said he put it round his neck like a stole, he used to say. Put it round his neck like a stole, like a mink stole, and carried it across.

Tom Shanks. What was the moral of that story? The moral of the story is it's not nice to have horse genitals against your neck. That's what it ought to have been. He never made it so clear. We had to deduce. Didn't, you know, our Keith must have read you some stories.

No. Blood-Winning Pig annuals, maybe. I don't know if they ever had an annual. Oh, OK. They had little more than a brochure. My dad did tell me a story I always liked about when he went scrumping. Oh. They went scrumping with a kid called Arthur.

What's scrumping? You know scrumping when you go and steal apples and fruit? No, I don't. I grew up in an affluent suburb of North London. OK. No. But you must have heard... No? No. Anyway, there's an apple tree you go suburb of North London. OK. No. But you must have heard... No? No.

Anyway, you get... There's an apple tree. You go in and you nick apples. OK. That's scrumping, basically. Do you know that? Yes. How do you know that?

I've heard... I have heard tales. You're saying it quite murderously. OK. Sorry, Frank, as you are. So they went... There was the little kid called Arthur. He was the youngest.

And he was only about four or something. And they were all all they were caught by the bloke who owned the orchard and he lined them up and he went up to my dad and said uh what's your name and he said um john and he said uh right he said i know your father uh oh it's just john collins because you know my original name yeah so john collins said i know your father he said and then he went to this kid, Arthur. He said, what's your name? He said, Arthur.

And he said, what's your surname? And he said, Sir Arthur. My dad must have told me that story 50 times. And I always, I knew what was coming, but I was delighted, delighted by it. Then there was the one when his dad hung a man in a pub. He didn't. As he hanged, a bit of grammatical.

I don't care about the grammar. He didn't hang him to the death. Oh, that was nice of him. You know that point just before they go? It was a real softie. You know when their head looks like an aubergine? Frank. And then other people got him down, apparently.

So those were the stories we had. So there was no... I would have killed for a straw, Peter, just as a bit of light relief. No, there'd be Grandad hanging people in a pub in Newcastle. I say people, there's only one bloke, I don't want to exaggerate. What did you... Well, I had the Osborne Book of Ghosts.

I imagine you had Modesty Blaze. No, we had our parents' friends. Well, they were all acting in Doctor Who around that time, so we'd have seen them on telly being aliens. And then it would all be spoiled, because then you'd come down and go, and I said, darling, I'm not doing that for minimum wage. Oh, I thought you were an alien.

I love the idea of a cyberman saying that. But we had the Osborne Book of Ghosts, me and my best friend Jane. Oh, we loved that. Absolutely loved that. I've never heard that. Well, it was sightings, so it had those pictures. You know, there's always photographs. Oh, so it was true stories.

Well, it's not true. Well, you say true. Purportedly. Yeah, and it was things like black and white photos, a cab driver, and he said an old lady was in the back of my cab, and it turned out she died back in 1885. And they always have, like, a shawl. You've been in that cab a long time.

Yeah. Clear it out. And there was how to trap a ghost, and you needed some string across the door and some talc, which I did once. Didn't work. But I'll tell you what else used to scare me. My sister and I i when we briefly lived

in australia um we moved over there when i was when i was young and australians no when we lived in australia we did get a bit terrified by sharks so we had a national geographic book of sharks and we used to keep it under the bed to scare ourselves. She'd get it out and go, do you want to see the hammerheads? They are the scariest, aren't they? They're really terrifying. They look like they've swallowed a... Yeah. You know those... Hammer?

They look like... No, you know those sandwich boxes? Yes. The emmatically sealed sandwich boxes. Yes, that's exactly what they look like. What do they call those? They're called sandwich boxes. No, that's exactly what they look like. What do they call those? They're called sandwich boxes. No, no, but what's the name of the actual product?

Like Perspex. No, I'm not... I can't think what it's called. Tupperware? Tupperware. They've swallowed the Tupperware. Sandwich box. They're really scary.

But why did we scare ourselves? We enjoyed scaring ourselves. People, yeah, people do. I haven't told you my dad's story. My mum's story, actually, about Warty. Oh, I don't know the sound of that. Warty was a man who lived by them. His entire face was a wart.

Told us about him. Just two eyes looking out of a wart. I thought I saw him on a train yesterday. Did you? Oh, he must be dead by now, Warty. I hope part of him was kept for posterity. I think sort of thing, if you kept him face up on the desk, you could put pens in him.

If any of Warty's relatives are listening, I... I have thoughts with his family. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.