The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Frank, Emily and Gareth

Episode Date: October 9, 2010

This week Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about dog shows, wedding gifts and Sherbet Lies.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town, sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.

Oh, absolutely marvellous. That was Katie Tunstall. Now, I would never have thought that I would ever like Katie Tunstall. Not that I've really heard her stuff, but, you know, I'm thinking singer-songwriter. I'm thinking woman with guitar that looks a bit too big for that kind of singer-songwriter. You take my heart

and you break it apart and then I... Well, you know what I mean You take... That, all that, I don't want that She's a bit more fun, Katie Tunstall Yeah, clearly She's done a song about Madame Trudeau

Thank you, Katie Tunstall expert over there Yeah, so I'm loving Katie. I used to have some darts made out of her as well. So she's... Tunstall, you're thinking that was Tunstall. Oh, I made a right fool of myself early on as well. Early doors on the show. I've made a fool of myself.

Anyway, good morning. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hello. Thank you for your warm and quick response can I just say just because we're not all over you we're not all over you like the last presenter was he loved you the last presenter you mean OJ

yeah OJ he was just friendly that's all he loved you and you massaged him he's big you wouldn't be able to tell what I'm listening to him but he's really big. He looks like he could tear a man apart. Yeah, I reckon he works out. Daisy called him a hunky Louis Theroux.

Yeah? There he is, look. He's doing the muscle man pose outside. You're right, though. Yeah, hunky Louis Theroux. Hunky Louis Theroux. That's correct. I'll see you later.

Hunky Louis Theroux is not that easy to say. That that would be a great i'm writing that down next to red leather yellow leather try these out i've got a long train journey today i like a tongue twister on a train journey i find people won't join in um so um hold on a minute that's's the morning! Oh, we're off. So, yeah, Stephen K. Amos is our guest today. And he's a funny man. And if you want to text us about anything at all, you can text us on 81215. Yes, 81215. I'll say that again.

We've just got off and get a pencil and paper. That's what they used to do on the... So, I was leaving the Absolute Studios last Saturday and I was just heading towards my car. What was the car? A little regional football manager telling an anecdote. I don't know what it just said. I was leaving Absolute Studios.

It felt like it should be a sort of Bernard Manning type. I was leaving and then some terrible sordid tale. But no, it isn't. And I was walking towards my car when I heard a voice go, Frank. Frank. So I looked around.

Who wouldn't? Well, I suppose in a list of people who wouldn't, quite a lot of people now call Frank. But anyway, there was a young woman there. Oh, God. No. She wasn't carrying a child and holding out an invoice. So she says to me,

oh, I'm leaving the country after ten years. And I thought, oh, this is going to be for money or thermal blankets. Was it Gamu? No, it wasn't Gamu wasn't Gamu, no. She was more Latinate. Okay. Oh. Yeah, Hispanic.

Yeah. Gamu, I believe, is African. Yeah. Yes. Gamu could be there today. Waiting. Now, if she's listening to this, she'd think, you know, I can't say it without doing the voice, so I'm not going to do it.

So anyway. So she's leaving the country after ten years. And she said to me, I just wanted to say, I mean, I don't normally... Don't stop the accent, I enjoyed the accent. She said, I just want to say, you know, you have been so marvellous and I have loved you. I've read your books,

listened to TV, radio, programme, I thought, listen to TV programme your radio books. Listen to TV program. I thought, listen to TV program? We have been here a long time. And I said, well, that's really nice. And she said, can I give you a hug? Oh, God. And I thought, well, it's sort of, you know,

I've already gotten it from that autograph collector. No, she looked lovely, though. She looked very clean. And so we hugged, and it was nice. And she said, thank you, because I know English don't like to touch. Which I thought, and I said, you haven't said where you're from. And she slightly hung her head. And she said, Uruguay. And then she said, I am sorry about referee.

It was so sweet. That was so sweet. That's very sweet. Anyway, I got in my car after this, and the driver, and they're a hard-bitten, cynical bunch of drivers, you know, spend a lot of time scraping vomit up upholstery. I mean, that would turn anyone into a cynic. And he said to me, he said, you know, I was really moved by that, mate. He said that was, and we drove back in a glow of,

well, I was in moved by that, mate. He said that was... We drove back in a glow of... Well, I was in a glow of praise and he was dining off the crumbs from my table. But I mean, that was all right. So that was... Just... We get some very lovely emails and texts to this show. Texts on 8-12-15, obviously. And we never read them out

because I say it sounds a bit, you know, rubbish, reading out praise on the air. But we love them. We read them to each other and we all glow. But that was just a lovely moment. So if Paula is listening, that's her name. Oh, OK. I didn't, Paula.

That's what you're asking. Oh, gosh. Sorry, I warped. Can I say it? No, you can't. Oh, it's live. Well, I mean, I should have been told. Oh, dear.

So, yeah, it was a lovely moment. And music, I think. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I went to a dog show on Sunday. What? Yeah. What dog show?

Well, it wasn't... Not Crofts, though. I love Crofts. No, it wasn't Crofts. It was smaller, smaller than that. Was it Kennel Club registered? It doesn't sound like it. Oh, I don't think it was. OK.

I think... Well, let's put it this way. The first category was Waggy's Tail. That's hardly toy and utility, is it. Oh, I don't think it was. I think, well, let's put it this way. The first category was Waggy's Tale. That's hardly Toy and Utility, is it? No, I know. My favourite group. No, it was, what is it? Toy and Utility.

Toy and Utility is my favourite dog group. I think they are, yeah. I think their second album wasn't as good. And that 19-minute version of How Much of that doggy in the window was feedback. And that sort of distorted barking. Yeah, so I went to this show. It was in the park in Cheltenham. And it was really nice, actually.

And I met a nice lady who owned a Staffordshire Bull Terrier because I had a Staffordshire Bull you like a Staffie see I used to have a Staffordshire Bull Terrier when you only ever saw them in the West Midlands and before they became associated you could take one out without wearing an England shirt you could just have ordinary people

Frank was that the dog we met in Blackpool was that a Staffie some people asked us to take the photo with you and they insisted that the dog we met in Blackpool? Was that a Staffie? Yes. Some people asked us to take the photo with you and they insisted that the dog go in the front as part of the family and you thought that was quite normal. Yeah, exactly. I thought that was completely... Anyway, it was lovely and everyone was friendly

and a woman said to me... I'll tell you who was there, Damaris Heyman. Can you believe that? Who's that? I don't know who that is. Damaris Heyman was in... She was a sort of comedian actress. She was in Doctor Who. Was she? I mean, the Pertwee years. Oh, Pertwee. Oh, I'm surprised I don't remember her. Can you believe that? Yeah. And she was also in Mutiny on the Bosses. Oh, I thought you were going to say Bounty and then you spoiled it on White Bosses. No, no, she was. I think she was one of the crew on the Bounty.

And she was in the Black and White Centurions films. She was in those. Anyway, she was one of the crew on the boat. And she was in the black and white St Trinian's films. She was in those. Anyway, she does knitting now and sells small cardigans for children. But she was there and a woman came up to me and said, TV doesn't do you any favours, does it? I said, you should see my flat. She said, no, she said, you know, you look much fatter on TV. Oh, God. Me, a man who, I was too, you know, I was in the final shortlist

for Gandhi. No, you're quite trim though. It's true, me, Ben Kingsley and Zola Bodge. I wouldn't describe you as overweight. No, but apparently, you know they say television puts, and she said, you know they say television puts four pounds on you. Ten pounds. And Damaris said, well, it certainly didn't put four pounds on me. It was a bit of a difficult moment, I'll be straight with you. But it was a great, it was a fabulous show. Did you see any other nice dogs?

Well, Pip was there. Oh. Because Pip was, he featured heavily, because you had to guess his weight. Oh. What was he? German Wirehead Pointer, that's my favourite. I don't know what he was. I know he did Flyball, which is the dogs' hurdling events.

Oh. Which is, he had the harness. They have a special harness for the Flyball. Oh, that sounds a bit cruel. Is that like police dog shit? Why do they have the harness. They have a special harness for the fly ball. Oh, that sounds a bit cruel. Is that like police dog shit? Why do they have a harness? Do they just have to jump over hurdles? Yeah.

So why do they have to... Does the owner run along with them? I went to the dog show. I didn't organise it. Anyway, you had to guess Pip's wife. And I realised... What they do with the fly ball is that they... Pip, apparently, is a sort of secret weapon

because they measure the lowest... The height of the hurdles is measured against the lowest dog's shoulder. Oh. Lowest, is that right? Shortest dog? I don't know. Shoulder, is shoulder right? You lost me at Pip. Yeah, OK.

So if you had, like like you could have a graham you could also have the a tiny dog like pip and you know you'd measure it by you so the graham i barely notices get out and anyway so um it was so i had to guess pips and i realized that the only way i can estimate weight in any way is by thinking of the bags of sugar of my childhood, which weighed two pounds. So I had to look at Pip and imagine, if I held him in my hands, how many bags of sugar I would have to alter

for it to be the same weight. Isn't that tragic that that's how I estimate things? I'm completely out of date. I want you to get a dog, Frank. But you've got that rom-com bachelor penthouse. Well, not bachelor, because Cathy lives there. Yes. But it is a very rom-com penthouse.

Yeah, but we can't have dogs on the lease. And you can't have dogs there. Yeah. Not the leash. It's on the lease. No, we can't. We can't have dogs. And I don't want to be, you know,

I don't want to be sneaking one in in the hall door. I mean, I had enough trouble with Garbu. Anyway. So it was good, the pip thing. I didn't get his wife, but I must say, I want a bottle of wine on the tombola. Aye, thank you. Oh, God. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Have we heard from the outside world? Well, we have, actually. We've got a text in from the Buccateers. I'll explain who the Buccateers are. The Buccateers. Hi, Frank. We're a group of 450-something girls working through our bucket list and want to test out your tingle factor.

None of us have been to an opera. We should say that a bucket list is about things to do before you kick the bocce. Yeah? Yeah. None of us have ever been to an opera, so what would you recommend for a first time? If it helps, we tried Swan Lake for our first ballet, and that was a success. Cheers from the Bucketeers. Well, of course, it depends what's on.

I mean, the most populist, I would say, is Carmen. Oh, yeah. Because you'll know a lot of the tunes from Carmen. Oh, that was on the Del Boy Live. Oh, yeah. All that. I can tell you're warming to it already. In fact, you don't need to hear it. No.

Just get that off the podcast and play it over and over again. You'll feel you know your way around. Carmen, like I know my way around Oldbury Town Centre. Don't ask! I recommend Lab O.M. and that's all I have to say on the matter. Me and Laura saw Carmen in Verona and that

was good. You know, they have the amphitheatre where we went on our honeymoon. Oh, lovely. Really? And then we went to see Tosca at a matinee. It was rubbish. Oh dear. Tosca at a matinee. It was rubbish. Oh, dear. Tosca! The best bit in Tosca is the end.

I mean, I don't want to spoil the end for anyone, but when she jumps off the wall, I mean... Have you ever seen Margot... No, not her. What was she called? Who? Maria Callas' Tosca. Oh, I cried like a baby.

When I say I cried like a baby, I went... I mean, people will look... I got shushed. Speaking of gigs, I've got an email in reference to... You're talking about going to placebo last week. Oh, I see. I thought that was an email from Ryan Giggs. I got... I mean, I see. I thought that was an email from Ryan Giggs. I got it.

I mean, imagine it. That android? Why would you want to hear from that android? Oh, don't be horrible. I just think he's got no eyelids. No, he's been droided by Alex Ferguson, but that's another story. I see.

He droids them. Michael Hall. You do. I do, actually. Michael Hall. Michael Hall has emailed saying, G'day, Frank and the crew. I'm, actually. Michael Hall. Michael Hall has emailed saying, G'day, Frank and the crew. I'm liking G'day.

I can totally sympathise with your placebo story. It's the 5,000 Neighbours, I think, coming up, and obviously he's celebrating, he's joining in on that. You've moved around a lot. No, I've stayed. They keep moving. I must play my music slightly quieter in future. I can totally sympathise with your placebo story.

I myself was at a... Can I say about that that I went to a placebo gig and got hit by a missile? I don't need to think that I went to have treatment for a major illness and they gave me a placebo and then I wasn't cued and I was moaning about that. That wasn't the case. No, you just get cosmetic surgery.

Anyway, as you are, guys. Ew. about that. That wasn't the case. No, you just get cosmetic surgery. Anyway, as you are, Gary. Phew. He actually spells story like S-T-O-R-E-Y like it's a level of a flat. Look, I'm trying to encourage people to join in with the show

and you pour ridicule on them. No, but that's probably... Pour ridicule? Is that Scottish Daytime? That's poor coya. Carry on. I myself was at a Kasabian gig in West Australia a few months back and copped a full pint plastic cup. Oh, I'm glad he said full pint.

Right in the eye. Oh, dear. Thrown from the balcony into the crowd. That's what the pint was, not him. Yeah. Peering through the foam and stings, I could just about make out the lad next to me. Peering through the foam and stings.

I'm loving that. It's very poetic. That is. That's fabulous. That's like if you was at an Ibiza party with police. A lot of bees. You'd be peering through the foam and stings. Are you with me?

Are you with me? Okay. I don't feel you are. Peering through the foam and stings, I could just about make out the lad next to me, awkwardly shout, It's okay, mate. Dance it off. I love... See what a lovely attitude to life. I don't feel your heart. Peering through the foam and stings, I could just about make out the lad next to me, awkwardly shout, it's okay, mate, dance it off.

I love, see what a lovely attitude to life. I like that. Dance it off. Well, we can all learn from that, I think. Just dance it off. Yeah, let's just let that hang in the air a little bit. Just dance it off. I, well, I danced it off last night.

Yes, certainly. I went to Dave Gorman. I danced it off last night. Yes, certainly. I went to Dave Gorman. I wonder where it had gone. Yeah. No, no, that's just a fold in the fabric. I went to Dave Gorman's wedding celebration. I mean, I wasn't in the inner circle. I wasn't at the ceremony, nor was I in the secondary circle.

Well, actually, Gareth and I went to that oh no we didn't because we weren't invited no don't be I won't be bitter was it fun? yeah it was unfortunately I was only there 20 minutes because my girlfriend has got a chest infection

and if you knew my girlfriend you'd know how serious that would be. Oh, God. So, no, it was, we had a long, well, I'll tell you what we did. We had a long debate about... Because the producer, Emma, went as well. Yeah, she went. I didn't see her. Oh, didn't you? No, we don't

really mix anything. I don't think it does, you know, to mix work and pleasure. Do you find that? I told you Grant that ten years ago. He ignored me. We didn't leave him. You guessed it.

Yeah, so, well, I'll tell you about what happened. Okay. But before, I mean, by way of when we, every week we ask people to text in their thoughts, we had a long debate, my girlfriend and I, about a wedding present. And I wonder if anyone's had any brilliant wedding present or rubbish wedding present or have given likewise. That's the kind of phone number. I'll talk about it after.

But if you want to dance, I suggest that the whole country gets up and dance to this because this is one of my choices. And I love it. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Ghost Cat. That was Ghost Cat.

Everybody on the dance floor. I love it. Yes, I quite like that as well. It rocks my boat. Everybody was on the dance floor last night. Yes, I... Yeah, there was a rockabilly. Apart from me and Emily, we weren't invited.

No. Oh, look, we've got to let it go. Sometimes you're in social Siberia. It hurts. You just have to live with it. To me, I mean, to Dave's credit, it wasn't that kind of a show-busy thing. It was family, you know, and close friends.

I was there, really, as a plus one, I'll be honest with you. Oh, yeah, because Kath knows Dave's girlfriend. Because Kath's... Yeah, Kath and Dave's a plus one, I'll be honest with you. Oh, yeah, because Kath knows Dave's girlfriend. Yeah, Kath and Dave's wife. Oh, I'm sorry. Are good friends. Anyway, we had a big debate about what gift to give. Oh, yeah.

Also, can I ask you, before we go there, I want to ask you advice. I wrote out the wedding card. Yeah. And it was a lovely traditional card. Volkswagen Beetle with boots hanging off the back. Just married. You get the picture. Yeah, yeah.

And I wrote to David. And then I wrote, may you be the guardians of each other's solitude. Oh, fine. What do you think? That's awful. Do you like think? Oh, that's awful. Don't like it? No. It's a bit ambiguous.

It's not entirely clear what you mean by that. Well, I thought that, you know, Sounds like you're going to lock each other in the basement or something. Yeah.

Well, no, they're, um, I thought it'd be something to, you know, something they can analyse over the honeymoon period. No. Do you know what you've got wrong

that's 10 years in you can start taking on concepts like that no but they're very bright people and it's it's a quote from the poet rilke right oh you love that rilke yeah um oh you love a bit of rilke and uh i was waiting for an alarm there wasn't one so we're all right with rilke absolutely it slipped through the absolute net of poets not to mention. But he said that it's all... I think I offered this as advice once to one of our listeners, that you don't try and... You know this thing

about the other half, where you try and sort of consume each other? No, you've got to allow each other to develop as individuals. And so you are the guardians of each other's solitude. It's a nice thing. But after I'd written it, I thought, I wonder if I should have put an elaborate footnote explaining all this, which I don't normally use on greetings cards.

It's a bit Martin Amis, a footnote on a card. Yeah, but are they going to think I'm being a bit... I hope they don't. I'm sure they'll... Anyway, 8.12.15, if you want to text us. So in the end, we had a long debate about what to get. Because some people now, they just... What did you have, Gareth?

We were quite young when we got married, so we just had money because we didn't have anywhere to live. Stop boasting. You didn't have anywhere to live? No. I love a homeless marriage. Fabulous. Did you use a ring pull from a Coca-Cola can as the ring? Yeah? No. Oh, I love a homeless marriage. Fabulous. Did you use a ring pull from a Coca-Cola can as the ring?

Yeah? No. No. They had a little dog on a string as their little usher. However you want to call it. What was it, would you say? I'd say about six bags of sugar. It was in the working and pastoral group, not the toy and utility.

That's how big it was. So you had money. Was it pinned to a dress? Was it one of those? No, just in envelopes and stuff and, you know, in cards. Hmm. It was the best man, Terry Venables. George Graham.

It sounds a bit Mafia wedding frame. It does a bit. I don't want to dip down any deeper into that. Some people got us presents anyway, though. And one lady who was from Canada, she was a student at our university and she made us her mum and her make photo albums. So she gave us a nice green photo album

with a lighthouse painted on. Beautiful. And does it flash on and off if you can't find it in there? She got you a photo album in the digital age. Quite a lot of ships have been wrecked on that photo album. That sounds like a terrible sexual euphemism which I

have no wish to pull apart. Tom Jackson in Leicester has texted in... Tom Jackson, the former secretary of the Postman's Union? No, Tom Jackson in Leicester... Doesn't say not. ...says, about five years ago, I broke my leg

and was out of work for ten months and was a bit skint, and I got invited to a wedding, and rather than just get them a card, I taped three-pound coins to it, like kids used to get at birthday parties. I look back on that with shame. I don't think that's shameful. It's very...

Three quid? No, not at all shameful. Rather than an old photo album. When you consider that a six-year-old child gave the Conservative Party a pound, this man... I mean, completely... People she doesn't even know.

Yeah, well, I mean... Well, I'll tell you after what... What you got. Yeah, because in the end, I went solo and I went and got a present of my own volition. Oh, God. Well, exactly. We only have this excerpt.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what is ironic, though, and this is a true story. I went to see Carmen at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York. They had three real horses on stage. Three real horses. Not a hint of wrongdoings, if you know what I'm saying.

I went to the toilet in there. There was a trail of excrement from the cubicle into the middle of the floor. And now... How do you work that out? Exactly. Oh, hold on. That was Crossfire by Brandon Flowers. Yeah. How do you work that out? Well, exactly. Oh, hold on. That was Crossfire by Brandon Flowers.

Yeah. Brandon Flowers. Yeah, so what I opted for in the end, for Dave Gorman and his lovely wife, was two personalised wooden egg cups. Wow. Oh, God. A yellow one and a white one representing Yolk and Albom.

Is that really what you got? Yeah, did you think, well, what kind of a joke would that be? What, the old wooden egg cups? Prank? No, that's what I got, yeah. One says Dave and one says... Oh, they were personal.

Okay, they had an inscription. Yeah, they had an inscription. Okay, that's all right got, yeah. One says Dave and one says... Oh, they were personal. Okay, they had an inscription. Yeah, they had an inscription. Okay, that's all right. But the yellow and white are suggesting that they would join, you know, together, but not, as I say, separated by a small film of yolk skin. What do you think? That's sweet. Yeah.

Oh, I like it now. It's grown on me. Oh, you see, at first you think wooden head cops. Well, yeah. Are you serious? I like the thinking behind it the concept was good well I didn't explain that

that probably should have been footnote number two well it's not exactly the tartan hammock that I bought for the lord one year one wedding but you know

you bought a tartan hammock for a lord yeah he was getting married a proper lord he was a lord oh that's nice well you got a hammock as well.

Someone did buy us a hammock. You got a hammock? Yeah, someone bought us a hammock. I mean, what's with a hammock as a wedding present? Well, they're very popular, Frank, on a wedding list. Because you go through, don't you, that wedding... A hammock? Yes.

It's the sort of thing that you wouldn't buy yourself, but you'd like someone to get for you. Yeah, but you got... Like diamonds. Can you get two people in a hammock? Yeah, um? Depends on the person. It depends. Well, we didn't ever have two trees close enough to

each other to use it. Oh, well, that's, you see, with a hammock, that's a... Was there any other vertical structures you could have used? I don't know. We never found anywhere to put it up. Maybe an elderly relative. So you've never put it on?

What, do you just lay on it on the floor? No, we don't use it. We never used it. Well, that's this week's prize. What do you think? Should we give it a surprise? Frank? I don't know where it is.

How do you lose a hammock? How big's your house? Sorry to drag you away from the hammock subject, but Carl from London is a bit concerned about you. He says, hi all, I saw Frank yesterday morning on Charing Cross Road in London and he looked troubled, so I decided not to approach. Did I make a mistake? That's Carl.

Well, the thing is, Carl, it depends how long my hair was when you saw me. Because I was on my way for a haircut at Mr Topper's in Old Compton. Only £7. I mean, can't argue with that. Well, you'd never know. Yeah, and you know, and you find out all sorts of stuff about Australia that you don't know.

See, everyone in there is Australian. Oh, are they? Yeah, it's much cheaper than going Qantas. So, yeah, so if I was on my way there, I probably had that, oh, actually, you know, you look at yourself in a passing, when you pass in a shop, looking in the window and think, actually, if I was on my way there, I probably had that, oh, actually, you know, you look at yourself when you're passing a shop, looking at the window and think, actually, it looks good.

Do I want to get it cut? But when I came out, I was quite pleased with it. It does look nice. It's a bit quadrophenia, but we'll have more of that later, perhaps. So, yeah, but you should always say hello, Carl. I'm very approachable. Oh, Hawaii, I was hogged outside Absolute Radio only last week

can you believe that have we got time to read out my favourite text we've got time to read a Swedish translation of the Old Testament it features you quite heavily it features me it's from Mark Whitecross hi Frank I think your show is excellent

much like your sitcom Shane was. Oh, remember Shane? Oh, my God. He mentioned the elephant in the room. Your sitcom, I like that. But why was the show never released on DVD? Well... Also, in your book, you talk about the second series.

I think you should post all episodes on your website for the world to enjoy once more. Yes. Now, the thing is with this is that um i made a second series it was it was filmed edited all spit and span and itv thought it was so terrible it was never broadcast and i'm talking itv itv home of daybreak it was a it was a sitcom that wasn't good enough for ITV. Oh, Frank. I mean. I think that's mean of them. Or was it too good? Or maybe it was too good.

I think it was too good. Of course, I know, for years. I've sat poring over that decision, and now that never occurred to me. Mark Whitecross is a fan. He likes it. He never saw the second series. Do you want to know what else Mark Whitecross has? You were talking about teddy bear names a few weeks ago

and I have a friend who has a teddy and a panda that guard his room. The panda is called Panda and the teddy is called Brian Suntan. Brian Suntan? Yes. I like that they guard his room and the friend is 24 and they guard his room. It's a TV show. I don't have a problem with that.

But Brian Suntan, there must be a story to that, surely. I'm worried about his security. I don't think they're going to, unless they're very big. Yeah, unless they're real. What if they're real? I once saw an advert for a World Cup exhibition. And you know World Cup Willie, who was the mascot for the 1966 World Cup? Oh, yeah. World Cup Willie the disease?

No, no, no, the... He was like a little lion. Yes, I remember him. A lion. And it said, plus World Cup Willie, brackets, life size. Well, does he exist? Anyway. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Stephen K. Amos will be with us soon. Yeah, he's in the building, is he? Is he in the building? I don't know. I don't know if he's actually in the building. But, you know, I think if you think positive, you make things happen. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. I remember Dame Evadne Price used to say, think lucky, you make things happen. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I remember Dame Avadni Price used to say, think lucky and you'll be lucky. We've had an opera text in, Frank, from HL15. What key is it in? From Mand in Playstow, who says, normally I only listen to the podcast, but I got up early today to go to Billingsgate Market.

Opera? When I lived in Prague, I saw... I'm loving that. She's got everything. She's got Billingsgate Market. She's got Prague. She's got more up her sleeve. When I lived in Prague, I saw Don Giovanni three times.

Did you speak to him? Because I find him very unapproachable. At the Estates Theatre where Mozart premiered it. And when I lived in Cairo... Cairo now she's gone. Wow, what a woman. I saw Aida performed at the Pyramids. Both brilliant.

When I grew up in Smedic, no opera. No, well, I grew up in Smedic. No, we weren't big on opera. But the canals. On a sunny day. I've got a text no name, 7-11 7-11?

they should be working thought listening to Frank's brilliant humour would wake up my hungover mother lying next to me, it's not working oh dear, hungover mother wait that's from Ethan I thought it might be from Harvey Price Not working. Oh, dear. Hungover mother. Wait, that's from Ethan. Sorry. I thought it might be from Harvey Price.

Also on weddings, Kath from Hartlepool. Frank, one of the guests at our wedding wrote in the card, may the seed of your loins grow fruitful in the belly of your woman. Yeah. Who's that? Alan Titchmouth. Mike. I'll tell you what was an odd thing this week. I'll tell you what, by the way, this is... I haven't told you this yet,

but I've had two international work offers this week. Wow. Two international work offers. Now, if I just made my work judgements on travel, I should be off like a runaway kite. Where are they? Well, Australia. Nine days on the panel

of I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here. No. Is that right? Really? Well, I've been offered it. No, I know, but you should do that. Really? Oh, yeah, Frank. You've seen that hotel they put you up in? The Versace Palazzo. Hello. No, I haven't seen it. How do you know what hotel

they put you up in? Because I always, I know where they stay. I know where they stay. Hello. No, I haven't seen it. How do you know what hotel they put it at? Because I always, I know where they stay. I know where they stay. Okay. And the other one, seven days in Argentina. I'm saying Argentina. Yeah?

What are they doing? Celebrity Total Wipeout. Oh, you should definitely do that. Celebrity Total Wipeout is brilliant. Not with my back. With the big balls. Yeah? Yeah, they jump definitely do that. Celebrity total wipeout is brilliant. Not with my back. With the big balls. Yeah, they jump on big balls. I know, I've seen it.

It looks absolutely... I'm wondering if they do it in Argentina because the health and safety is a bit less, you know. But you won't have to be on it. Do you have to be on it? Yeah. Oh, no, don't do that. There's these big balls.

Yes, I know, there's big balls. You mentioned that. It's like it's a knockout, isn't it? Yeah, it's sort of extreme. It's a knockout. I don't think you'd live, Frank, if you did that. But this could be your chance. You could be sitting this side of the desk,

post-Celebrity Total Wipeout. Definitely. I think you'd be great on it, Frank. Yeah. I don't think your spine would be broken at all on those big balls. Well, when it said Celebrity Total Wipeout, I thought it was one of these, um, homeopathic treatments.

You know, I thought I'd rather have a big cotton bud. But, uh, no, it's, uh, anyway, I mean, I don't know if it's me. So, um, I'm going to play The Fall now. Is Stephen here yet? Oh, I don't know if it's me. So I'm going to play the fall now. Is Stephen here yet? Oh, I don't think so. So, you know, this is the point where some people would be saying, where on earth are they?

I'm already thinking automobile accident. That's the way I... Oh. No, but I do, I get fretful. Because, you know, things happen. Remember when Ed Byrne got stuck in the ditch? Well, exactly. Exactly.

If Stephen doesn't make it, you'll be only the second guest not to turn up for the show. But anyway, let's hope it's nothing serious. And just to cheer us all up, here's everyone's favourite band, The Fall, with Funnel of Love. It's like... Frank on radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That's my favourite of all song ever. I know, that's why I chose it especially for you, Daisy. I heard the original, I think. Is it Wanda Jackson, the original? Yeah, I believe you might be right. Is it a cover?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a cover. Did you watch any of the Tory party conference this week? Oh, yeah. Did you? David Cameron with that. And I saw the pictures of him with a pint of Guinness, which was 90% all foam or head or whatever.

Yeah, he's 90% all foam. What about that? He doesn't drink beer, really. That's not the official view of Absolute Radio, by the way. That's just me. Well, did you see that bit where he thanked Niamh, this six-year-old girl that sent him a pound coin? The girl who sent the pound, yes.

And at the end he said, he just held up the pound coin. We don't know if it was the same one. Could have been switched. He held it up and said, thank you, Niamh. And there was no suggestion it was going to be returned. No. It's actually going to be returned. No. It's actually going to be kept, a child's pound. No, it did say in the paper that it has to be returned

because of the strict rules about accepting gifts. You're joking. No, yeah, they have to send it back. Is she actually now an official party donor? Yeah. Well, no, no, because they're sending it back. Yeah, they're sending it back. So she was sending in the money.

If it was a million pounds from Lord Rothen... Well, exactly. Williams, that would be... Lord Bransumtan. Yeah, exactly. That would be a different matter. Exactly, that would be kept. So why was she sending the money again?

She said... She said to help jobs, wasn't it? Yes, I wanted to make the country better and pay for jobs. She heard about the deficit. I wanted to... Where did she hear about the six-year-old child who heard about the deficit? She's got very modern parents.

That Brian Sontani gossips. He really gossips. The gossiping Ted. He should be guarding the door. That's what his job is. He's a panda. Is he guarding the door? Is he wearing a leather bomber jacket and a dickie bow like anyone who guards doors do do you think what's the panda's

role in it anyway i'm not sure about she got she got the money from the tooth fairy yes oh yeah so really the tooth fair it's the tooth fairies uh yeah i don't think i i think the tooth fairy wouldn't come if he knew that the his rewards were going to be uh turned into political uh exactly contributions yeah well i think they should keep the tooth fairy out of it because i'm worried if when the conservatives remember the tooth fairy they'll want to cut down they want to make cuts yeah because does the tooth fairy work for the government or is he i don't know how does it work i always assumed it was a she i used to sleep in pants um when i had a tooth onto the thing just in case yeah oh i loved it when the tooth fairy came

well you know what my teeth are like i mean she came quite a lot she's still coming i would imagine yeah she takes them away she cleans them and brings them back it's like when you leave your shoes outside the hotel door. No, I certainly didn't get a pound. Obviously times have changed. I had them late into life because I had lots of little milk teeth until I was quite old. Did you? Until how old?

Oh, I don't remember the exact age. I can't remember when I first got them fixed. No, it was my favourite thing. But I used to get a pound back then. So I was going to say inflation. What's that doing? Do you just get a pound a tooth then, do you? Well, I don't know.

Maybe Niamh's been building it up. Yeah, maybe. You know, she might have lost four or five at a time. I'm not sure about the whole, I think I used to leave sherry in a mince pie. Oh, no. I got completely mixed up with the uh no wonder the poor thing's going around distributing money like there's no tomorrow completely drunk

this is frank skinner on absolute radio frank skinner Frank Skinner. That's the Ace of Skins Radio. Scissor Sisters, Laura, and also, when the fairy came in our house, not only did he leave Monahishi, in a way it's probably asexual, but he used to leave a jewel of some kind. A jewel?

A jewel, yeah. What like? Well, like a plastic, looking back. I was going to say, it's not like a craps diamond. Well, I remember one year, I said to my mum, I said, but I remember you having these. This is an earring of yours, I recognise it. And she said, but that's what they do, the tooth fairies.

She saw them as plural. No, she said, I threw those at ages do, the tooth fairies. She saw them as plural. No, she said, I threw those at ages ago. They were probably on the council tip. And it'd be passing to catch the glint, you know, a beam of sunlight, and swoop down. They couldn't swoop. They just narrowed the wings. I don't know if you've ever seen them, but they narrowed the wings into a point, more or less.

They dropped like a stone. And, yeah. Was it disinfected, the things he found off the dock? Well, that, that. He, she. No, that I don't know. for stone. Was it disinfected, one of the things he found off the dock? He, she. No, that I don't know. Says the man who has a chair from a skip for his child. That is true. Do you have a chair? My mum got it.

I think they got something else out from front of someone's house as well recently. They don't tell me nowadays. The plant. That's where your fridge is from. Yeah. Okay. Frank, can I read a text out, which I'd love to enjoy? Oh, go on, read a text.

Have we been texted on 8-12-15? Yeah, by Jason, who's from Preston. Have we been texted by Stephen K. Amos to say where he is? Dear Frank, I'm not coming in because I hate you. Love, Stephen. Oh, well, he could have broke down a bit more.

Lots of love, Stephen. Oh. From Jason in Preston. I hear that a hammock was bought as a present for a lord. Oh, yes, that's right. I bought that as a wedding present for a lord. I couldn't help thinking that it might have been for Lord Vader. I have visions of him hanging around the garden in the summer,

drinking lemon tea and relaxing in his hammock. What, moored between two Death Stars? Sitting in space. And he'd take his helmet off. You know there's that scene where someone walks in on him what? yeah

I didn't think that was this will be one of those I was going to say Star Horse ah no they walk in and he's got his helmet off

and as he turns around the helmet is lowered back onto him he probably would take his helmet off. And as he turns around, the helmet is lowered back onto him. He probably would take his helmet off for a hammock, I imagine. Yeah. He was also the Green Cross man. Oh, yeah.

Wasn't he? So we know what he looks like. He's more machine than man now, though. That's what I heard. Who? Lord Vader. Is he? Yeah. I'm sorry to hear that.

I was listening, Lord Vader. But, you know, we wish you well. Our thoughts with his family. Yeah is his family is that harrison no it's not it's the other one no anyway skywalker mark hamill nonsense yeah so um swimming yes i take well i take ethan swimming i'm see i'm excited about this because i can't swim so any story about swimming is to most people like a story about levitation because i can't imagine being able to swim it i'm getting emotional just thinking about it So any story about swimming is, to most people, like a story about levitation. Because I can't imagine being able to swim.

I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. Well, I take Ethan swimming on a Monday. He can't swim yet. I can swim, but he can't swim yet. That's all that established. That's what I like about that. You get the basics. We know the situation now.

Mid-lage, Matt. Are you mid-lage? No. Okay. Matt in his late 20s. No, he's 30. We know the situation now. Middle-aged man. Are you middle-aged? No. No. Man in his late 20s. No, he's 30. I'm 30 years old. OK.

And how old is Ethan now? 15 months. Well, he should be all right. I mean, he's essentially still fluid. I like Gareth's very busy, stressful start to the week on a Monday morning, taking Ethan swimming. I'm very jealous. It is quite stressful.

I bet it is. It is a big responsibility. You could go down like a brick. I was very excited. I was very excited because... Do they still pick up the brick? Is that still... I remember in swimming lessons... Oh yeah, to get my life saving you had to do that. You used to get... In pyjamas.

And you had to swim in pyjamas. To get the brick. Johnny Fingers, he had all the stripes, first year. We haven't started with the brick with Ethan yet. I think he'd be okay getting down to it, as you say, but I don't think... Well, he can get down to it. He's like a cool little guy. Yeah, he is.

He loves it. He likes old school. That's his thing, which is odd, because obviously he goes to a new school. I'm going to play a song I really like by Sparrow and the Workshop, and I'm going to come back, because I'm intrigued. I'm just going to talk to Stephen K. Amos. Hi, Stephen. Hi.

Stephen is not here. Oh, OK. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Wow, she's got a high voice, the lead vocalist with Sparrow and the Workshop. I'm assuming it's Sparrow. That was back to Red. Really? She's like Minnie Ripperton.

Remember Minnie Ripperton? No. Look at you. La, la, la, la, la. Oh, yeah. Woo! Yeah. She was one of the...

She was Northern, I think she was one of the Yorkshire Rippertons. Frank. Sorry. Where were we? Oh, yeah, swimming. Ethan was holding a brick in the pool. It was a big day. No, he didn't do the brick.

Oh, yeah. It's a big day because I was getting him armbands for the first time. Oh, was it some sort of Nazi event? No, like blow-up ones. Inflatable orange armbands. Oh, I know, yeah. Water wings. Is that what they're called?

Yes. OK. If you're American. Americans call it that, do they? Well, we always called it that. Armbands. Armbands. I don't recall us living in Illinois.

OK, water wings. I called it the swimming coach. The swimming coach? Yeah, they would help you float. I was sick on the swimming coach yeah they would help you float i was sick on the swimming coach twice i did have my bear behind against the back window why did we do that at school anyway i um trunks wrapped in a towel oh the smell oh mildew and before he had this special kind of rubber ring thing that you kind of strapped him into and um it kind of a bit like

a dog's fly ball harness it's like the Cheltenham dog show all over again so it was the first but the thing I was worried about with Ethan with armbands is that he's he's very he's very cute and lovely but he does have he doesn't have much of a neck to speak of oh Oh, God. Okay. So what I was worried about... Is he going to grow out of that? Or is that going to be... I don't know. He's probably going to grow out of it. I think he carries it off really well.

What, do you think he's going to spring out like a jack-in-a-box? Like E.T.? Yeah. Could you buy him... Could he carry off a necklace? Well, he is necklace, apparently. And what I was worried about

is because the armbands are kind of... You didn't put them around his neck, though. No, or at the shoulder. Yeah. And then, so, like, you've got to be a certain way out of the water for it to work. Yeah. And with not having... And so I tried them on him, and he did have...

It didn't work. Really? He was too low down in the water i remember i've seen some in a shop though and it said um neck not supplied on that thing i think you're supposed to bring your own neck to the party yeah i've never i've never thought of that before i'm surely i even i can float in um well exactly it doesn't happen very often maybe you have to learn the technique of like closing your mouth so it doesn't but very often maybe you have to learn the technique of like closing your mouth so it doesn't

but also you can get younger ones which go all the way around younger armbands younger armbands younger how old are these as opposed to the past

at 50 years old these were used by Captain Matthew Webb when he did the channel and anyway so we dumped the armbands they were no good but then the fire alarm

went off oh well it's one thing after the next. In the swimming pool. We're not going to burn to death in the swimming pool. I was going to say, why do they bother with the fire alarm? I don't know. What's that for? Youth smoking?

We had to get out of the pool for the fire alarm. Oh. Doesn't make any sense. Did you have your ombrefs on? What were you wearing? Oh, I don't even want to hear this bit. I just won't listen to this bit. It's as simple as that.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That's Blur, Girls and Boys. Good, a bit long. Never mind that, Frank. I've got abandonment issues. Why does Stephen K. almost hurt me like this? No, I don't think...

Why does he hurt me so? We have to accept he's probably not coming. It's like an ice pick through my heart. I mean, by George, it's a guest not coming. It's like an ice pick through my heart. Bye, George. He's the guest next week. What's the chances of that? At least we'll be able to find him. He's tagged, I think.

No, he's a good boy, George. He'll turn up. He'll be there. Oh, he'll be there, all right. Something bad might have happened, so let's not jump. I'm just saying he's hurt my feelings. I don't need to think that we've run out of things to talk about because the guest hasn't turned up, by the way.

But do you know Dizzy Gillespie, the jazz player? He was in an automobile accident, and after that, he couldn't hit the B flat above high C. Really? Yeah. Was he a singer? No, he was a trumpeter. And then the bird.

Break his trumpet. Charlie Parker. Mm. He died laughing watching a juggler on television. Did he? Mm. Anyway, how's your week been? Well, I've been coming down with something.

Have you? Mm. I've been coming down with a little bit of a cold. I sound a bit husky, don't I? No. Oh, OK. Take away my moment. But anyway, so I felt a bit husky, don't I? No. Oh, OK. Take away my moment. But anyway, so I felt a bit miserable.

You know when you feel miserable, you want to cocoon and hunker down and buy all nice foods. So I bought myself a load of comfort foods. I went to the supermarket. And this is a bit of a garrison. And I got lots of things. I got myself some balsamic vinegar and some nice lettuce. Comfort food? Yeah.

Balsamic vinegar and lettuce nice lettuce comfort food? balsamic vinegar and lettuce the world has changed but then Frank well it's funny you should say that family bucket is what you want KFC well then I thought I really want something sweet and they had do you know those they're called sherbet double dips

do you know those sweeties there's an orange this is called a double dip. It's a double dip. Is it a tribute to the financial crisis in Greece? It might be. So I thought I'd have one of those. Well, when I threw it in the basket... I think the family bucket is a

tribute to the financial crisis in Greece. OK, great. I'm always happy to try if the guest doesn't turn up. You know, I've got spare time. I think let's try some new stuff. No, it's really good. I like it.

Definitely. But then I saw it nestling there amidst all the quite middle class nice prod juice, like goats' cheese and balsamic vinegar. In your basket? Yes, it was in my basket. And I just thought it looks wrong. And I was a bit embarrassed. And I thought he'll think it's for me.

So I said, when I bought it, I said, I'll just put that in my handbag for him. For him, like I had a child. I lied in Tesco Metro. Oh, no. Why did I lie? And now, every time I go back there, I'm going to have to buy kids food. I'm going to have to pretend I've got a child. Well, you don't go crazy.

He could have bought it for a boyfriend with a sweet tooth. A boyfriend? Does him suggest a boy? What do you mean? I think him suggests some sort of shadowy mafia figure. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Lord Vader.

Him. Like you're one of Charlie's Angels or something. Maybe Tullius of Marlis. He had a sweet tooth. Do you know what they should do? Because you had a cold. What you wanted, they should do Sherbert Dib Dab Lemsips. Gareth, that's a brilliant idea.

Write that down. That would be really good. Write that down. Red leather, yellow leather. I love that, Gareth. Oh, someone also texted, and we should have said that. And there's a black current dipstick. Irish wristwatch is a good tongue twister.

I'm worried that's rude. It's not, is it? No. Irish wristwatch, Irish wristwatch, Irish wristwatch, Irish wristwatch. Yeah, it's good. I'm liking it. It's on the list. Tongue twister seven. Hold on, let me write that down. OK, I am... Plenty of things to talk about we've got. I'll tell you what I did, though. I had my haircut the other day and I left the shop and I realised I'd got it. You know, I have no sense of direction. And it's a sort of shop with a big glass window.

They look out and people pass and come in. While I was having haircut a man came in and said oh guess what i'm having uh botic implants i mean you know i was trying to concentrate and i hope she was too anyway luckily most of it the rest of the details was lost in the buzz of clippers but as i left i went the wrong way which has made me a bit embarrassed so what i did i knew they were watching me i had to turn around and you have to justify a turn in the street like that. So what I did is I got my phone out as if I was receiving a text and then a text

which took me in the other direction suddenly. Big news, commas come from the other direction. So off I went. A text saying,

no, not that way. The other way. Yeah, a text saying I am at 17 degrees east and off I went. I love the fact no, not that way. The other way. Yeah, a text saying, I am at 17 degrees east. And off I went. I love the fact that you felt the need to do that, though. It's so true, isn't it? Even in front of virtual strangers, it's just too embarrassing.

When you turn in the street, because I have to do it a lot because I get lost a lot. People do it. What's that guy doing turning round in the street? Sometimes I look at my watch, is another one. Oh, I do that. It's like I've started off towards somewhere and I'm just not going to make it. I'm just going to have to go straight to point C. What you can do now, though, is you can pretend you've got GPS on your thing, on your phone.

Don't confuse him. GPS? What is that? He doesn't know what that is. GPS? You sure you don't know what that is? SKA, Stephen K. Amos. That's what I thought it was. Global positioning.

We need global positioning for Stephen K Amos. He has that. Where is he? Where has he gone? No, don't. Some bad might have happened. No, it hasn't. Of course it's possible.

It happens every day. OK. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we had a text in from Eamon. You know, you were talking about turning around in the street? Yes.

Because, you know, you didn't want people to know that you'd changed your mind about going in another direction. Well, I got lost. Yeah. Eamon says, if I need to turn around in the street, I will pat my pockets as if I've forgotten my keys. Oh, yeah, I think I've used that one. It's a bit tragic.

What's wrong with us? Yeah. It's better than just pretending you've had an idea. Yeah, that'd be good, yeah. Clip my fingers, maybe. Or maybe throw my hands in the air. Ooh! I was walking past,

I'm walking past the Mr Nice premiere the other night. Oh, were you? I wasn't invited, I was just walking past. Oh, it's a shame. And I got paparazzed by the people, and I thought, look, if you want, you know, that's not right. You shouldn't be able to get paparazzied walking past. You hadn't signed up for that on that evening.

I was in casual clothes. Well, you're always in casual clothes. I know, but I'm being more casual than normal. It was just a blue crushed velvet catsuit split to the waist and white sneakers. I was on my way to a 70s night. What about it? Sounds like Mel Gibson's actual height.

Those things she wears. Yes. Anyway, don't lead me into... Anyway, next week, Boy George is our guest, fingers crossed. No reason why

I'm excited about that. He used to work in the Oasis. I love Boy George. You can get Not The Weekend podcast this Wednesday coming, which has nothing to do with this show at all.

And Ben Jones is next. And that's always good. So he looked at me then like I didn't mean that, but I did mean it. Last night was fabulously absolute because... I thought you meant with Ben Jones. No, I went to Dave Gorman's wedding and and Geoff Lloyd was the best man at that thing. And I said, how did the speech go? He said, oh, I'm not sure, really.

So I did a bit of research. I asked a relative of someone. I said, how was the best man's speech? He said, it was all right. He said, he used a plunger and a gas mask. So, I'll be tuning in on Monday to find out what that was. That's about

all from us. Thank you very much. I do hope Stephen K. Amos isn't being cut out of a wreck

with oxyacetylene equipment as we speak. God speed him. Have a good day to you. on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning.

Absolute Radio.