The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Ghost and Soaps

Episode Date: July 24, 2011

Frank went to see Ghost: The Musical, which started as a night at the theatre and turned into a 1980's nostalgia trip. He also has a soap dilemma which Alun and Emily are only too happy to advise on.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Welcome to the show. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean.

And yes, you guessed it. And now the producers just turned two switches, which always makes me think the first part, no one could hear me at all in the nation. Do you know what I mean? Say it again. Just say it again. Hey! No, I can't be bothered to say it again. It's not going to get any better, is it? We should explain my name's Alan Cockrell rather than just that I am... No, you're Cockrell!

I'm sorry, yes, you are Alan. The Cockrell. Oh, God, you're an egomaniac with your... My name this and my name that. Somebody asked me the other day if I genuinely disliked the Cockrell sound effect. I said, no, I'm fine with it. Oh, I like... He's getting fans already asking him show questions i never get that my mate dana listens to the the show a lot said to me i feel that alan doesn't really embrace the

cockerel i don't know if you've ever tried embracing a cockerel but they oh god they're fluttering many many years ago oh they're you know what I mean? They're in your face like that. They're an entire sequence in Rocky based on this exact training. You know the scene where he's chasing a hen around in a courtyard? Oh, God, I can't remember that. You're sure that's right? Isn't that Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid?

Oh, that's the turkey shoot. It's a different scene altogether. Let's not go into any of that. Okay, never mind this. I would like to kick off... Oh, a sporting analogy. Or something my ex-boyfriend's dreaded hearing me say. I'd like to kick off with a tweet I spotted this week.

Re your midweek whereabouts. The tweet... That's what I hate about tweets. It's like the Stasi. There's no privacy anymore, is there? Well, the tweet is from someone called Indra. He's a theatre studies student. Do you like the little blankety-blank contestant bio I'm giving you here?

Yeah. And he tweeted, The Ghost the Musical press night was OK. I got the autos of Frank Skinner. I like that he's dropped the cumbersome graphs bit. I got the autos of Frank Skinner, an actor from Leg's dropped the cumbersome graphs bit. I got The Autos of Frank Skinner, an actor from Legally Blonde, and I also saw JLS Official.

No, he hasn't dropped the graphs bit. Actually, my car was stolen from outside the Ghost of Musical. And this is some sort of hoodlum just getting the bragging rights. JLS, obviously, they arrived in a smart car, three of them on each other's laps.

He says JLS Official. maybe they were the prison warden or something. Does he mean JLS officials? There are various bogus JLSs, the initial surge of teenage girls, so the other ones can then step in. A bit like I was Monty's double, if you remember that. Were you? I bet you were quite bit like I was Monty's double, if you remember that. Were you? I can't believe it. I bet you were quite a good one for Monty.

Will you please share? Were you actually at Ghost the Musical? I was at Ghost the Musical. I don't know about you, but I think we all enjoy a sing-song about bereavement. So I was lured in to Ghost the Musical. I hadn't seen the film, you see. You know, it's Patrick Swayze. I know of the film, yeah. I hadn't seen the film, you see. You know, it's a Patrick Swayze film.

I know of the film, yeah. I did suggest to the producers, absolutely true, I met the producer after, I said, wouldn't it have been a fabulous turn to have had Patrick Swayze come on as a hologram at the end? And she said she thought it was ill-advised. What? What? I thought that would be nice. You know, it's a tribute. Everyone associates it with the... Is it considered a faux pas?

Why are you holding up a sign that says, Move on, to improve the ending of something you've just seen to the producer? It was... I'm always looking to give advice, if it's, you know... She might have picked that up and run with it. She didn't. Don't take this the wrong way, but you are a gentleman that sees a lot of musicals, aren't you?

I am. You do take in a lot of the Western musicals. That sounds like a great euphemism. I like that. Wilfred Bramwell or something. He's a gentleman who sees a lot of musicals. Yes. It was the don't take it the wrong way I was worried about. Fine. Well, I do see a lot. I love a musical,

but I must say I let myself down on this occasion. I went through the musical ceiling because what they often do is they interview you after a musical and ask you what you thought. Oh, on the red carpet, Frank. Well, it was post-red carpet. I was already at the after show.

And I don't think you can criticise anything if you're already eating their hors d'oeuvres. No. It's a good rule to live by. Not if you sopped at their table. No. And, I mean, you know, I did enjoy it. I mean, it is, obviously, it's very sentimental,

because, you know, it's about someone's boyfriend dying and then coming back and moving things about. Mm. Moving things about. Yeah, it's Pickford's sponsor. So I described it, and after I said this, I went away and I felt... I described it as phantasmagorical

in a video interview after, and I thought, I can't. I mean, Michael Ball was there, and I don't know if I was picking it up by osmosis, but you can't say phantasmagorical and retain any kind of integrity, can you? Well, I think it's okay. I've got jazz hands. But I noticed that. I think there's some antibacterial somewhere. But I...

There was one fabulous incident which, for me, really, I don't know if you know, but Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics, right? Oh, yeah. Him. He wrote some of the songs. He went a bit funny, didn't he? He wrote some, he went a bit funny, didn't he? Well, yeah, I just remember he was kind of all pop music and happy, and then he went a bit funny. Well, he now, he's one of those blokes now who wears a trilby hat at all times.

I think we all know what that means, right? Oh, yes. Do you remember in the Bee Gees, I think we've mentioned this before, the three stages of boldness. You get the weave, the trilby hat, and then you get the control, the man who's got loads of hair. Yeah. Well, he's gone for the trilby, but he's also, he's got spectacles, shade spectacles, right, and a beard. So what he's sort of done, he's compiled a full-face balaclava, made out of plastic, felt and whiskers.

Anyway, well, I'll tell you what, I'm going to leave this as a cliffhanger, because there was an incident with Dave Stewart which, I mean, I found elating. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, that was Coffee and TV by Blur.

I don't know about you, but I'd probably fancy a glass of milk. So, yes, I was talking about Dave. By the way, if you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15. What you fancy? Glass of something? What? Yeah. This morning's phone. What do you fancy a glass of?

Thank God I weren't listening to this in the 1980s. So, yeah. No, I was thinking there's a walking milk carton in the video to that song. Oh, you're right, Faye. Do I have to come with footnotes? Yeah. Does it come to this? So, yeah, so Dave Stewart.

Dave Stewart, because he, in case you missed the first link, he wrote the songs with Ross Ballard. Don't ask me. That's a rude way of talking about Annie Leonard. Yeah, I know. And Dave Stewart came on stage at the end to take, you know, because he'd written the music. And he had his trilby and his spectacles and his beard. He was well secreted.

And he looked a bit like Morocco Mole, if you remember him, the assistant to Secret Squirrel. No. You don't remember him? OK. So anyway, one of the actresses hugged him and as she hugged him this is on stage at the end oh my god, his hat fell off.

No! And I wish someone had been there on an organ and played that bit from The Phantom. It was like when the mask came off. I mean, the whole place thought, I thought he was. I think everyone, oh, I thought he was. I think

everyone there thought, I thought he was. I mean, why else would you wear a hat? Oh, no. It's like the Great Oz when they pull back the curtains. I can't bear it, Frank. It is that. Because not only was he, let's say he had a high forehead. Let's put it that way. Yes. As my dad used to say, he had enough foreheads for foreheads. It was the awful loss of innocence you must have felt. Not only that, he'd done a bit of a Paul McCartney on it from where the light was hitting him. Not aubergine. You know when people, exactly, you know when it goes a bit aubergine, when they dye their hair, for some reason they select a sort of, yeah, aubergine. It goes burnt aubergine.

Yes, so there was an element of that as well. At first, I thought it was a birthmark, but no, it was his hair. And in front of a lot of people who presumably have the capacity to shriek. It was more of a, the whole place went silent. It went from stand innovation to... And there was just a moment, you could still hear the top of the hat as it sort of circled. Oh, Mr Bojangles style. On the stage.

I can't bear it. No, it was scary. Did he retrieve the hat? He did, and he tried to put a brave face on it, but the trouble is with a brave face was a lot of it. It kept going upwards, that was the is with the brave face was a lot of it. It kept going upwards. That was the trouble with the face, mainly. But anyway, so when we got outside, there was

an old-fashioned double-decker bosses to take us to the after-show party. Oh, yeah. It's a lovely touch. Lovely. Nice and cheap as well. Yeah, is that right? Broken Britain is what they do at premieres now. Oh, welcome. I liked it. And on the front, you, I'm welcome. Well, on the front, I liked it. And on the front, you know, it has the destination bit on the front of a bus.

Remember, you see the bus drivers turn the handle, crank it round. It said, go to the musical on the front. That's nice. It's nice, of course. We're actually going away from the musical. Or it should have said after show, or anyway. Party. So I'm on the boss dave stewart comes on and sits um i'm with uh my personal assistant jenny i don't like to travel without one just in

case there's you know she deals with all the uh all the people it's like jls official yes frank she was she's a frank official yeah so we're on the the top deck and um dave stewart comes on and bob geldof sitting up front a man who i think as you all know i've never liked um i don't know if we do know that it's a long story but anyway i must have told you about the popcorn didn't i no okay you never told me about Bob Geldof and the popcorn. I would have remembered. What, Popcorn Gate? You're not familiar with that?

No. I was at a premiere once, and I can't remember what it was. It was a big film thing, and Bob Geldof says, we were given popcorn. We were given it, or I don't know, was I bought it? I'd have bought it, maybe. I love a popcorn, me. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God. So I put the right arm on autopilot when I have. You do. It does. I'd have bought it maybe I love a popcorn me oh god so I put the right arm on autopilot when I have it just goes and your claw goes in it goes like Rupert Murdoch's hand the claw let's stay away from that anyway

so he came over and said I'm starving that's the voice and he went to put his hand in my, get some popcorn. So I closed the top with my hands. And he said, come on, give us some popcorn. And I said, no, say please. And he said, no, come on, give us some popcorn.

I said, well, say please. Oh, Frank, this is awful. You're going to give us some popcorn? In a kind of, you know, I've saved Africa, I don't have to say please. Well, you're doing our house. Exactly. So I didn't give us some popcorn? In a kind of, you know, I've saved Africa, I don't have to save, please. Well, you're doing our house. Exactly. So I didn't give him any popcorn. And he left unhappily.

And we had a couple of other things, but I'm not here to list my Geldofian brodges. Anyway, he was at the front. I can see why you wouldn't want his hands in your salted or something. I just, I wouldn't want that. I mean, for all his money, grubby. Anyway, he, he, he got at the front of the bus and there was a crate of, like, it was that little mini champagne bottle. So he started, he started handing them out. Not to me, obviously. Handed them out. I nearly had one myself because with Dave Stewart and Bob Geldof on the bus,

it felt like the 80s. I thought I was still drinking. I was on a bus, for a start-off, and also there were two people who basically are the 80s. So, but I didn't. Was the Dave Stewart sans hat at this stage? Had he just thrown caution to the wind? Oh, my God, no, he wasn't open top.

Firmly back in place. No, that was definitely firmly back. And I thought, can he get any more ridiculous than this? Turn around, who was sitting behind me? Richard O'Brien. No. Oh, God. It's like a time machine as well. Fair play to him, he doesn't bother with the trilby, he's up front about that.

No one could be more up front about the baldness than Richard O'Brien. Interestingly, not many people will know this. Are you aware of the fact that Crystal Maze was actually a remake of Fort Boyard? I thought Fort Boyard came second. No. Yeah, but the French Fort Boyard was first, and then Crystal Maze was a copy of that. Oh, he's been finding out loads of 80s facts on that bus.

Yeah, that's all we talked about. He's still a bit bitter about Fort Boyard. Yeah, he said to me, he said, dwarves running at full pelt, you call that television? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Rabbit Hart. Couldn't eat anything else.

And Florence and the Machine. I believe Florence is playing the part of Rebecca Brooks in the new Carphone Warehouse. I don't know if you've seen that. I haven't, no. Very realistic. Frank, we had a text in. Thank God, what, on 8-12-15, you said? Yeah.

8-12-15. And I like that the subject line is Geldof. It makes me feel he might share your views. Well, he says, I don't like... This is from Ziggy Parker, by the way. Hi, Ziggy. Ziggy Parker. Love it.

I don't like how Geldof took all the credit for the band-aid thing. Soft said. Poor old Ur never gets the recognition. And he's not grubby either he's not no not not me he's very clean he's gone bald now bravely has no hat required brave nature yeah if i was him i kept the pointies you know remember his pointies i loved his pointy sideburns sideburns last forever i i'd have i'd have just kept those. They're gone, haven't they? You could still have those. Do you know, Frank, I do like...

You're not grubby either. Do you know how I know that? Because your girlfriend, Kath, said to me, in the early days of your courtship, she said, do you know one thing I really like about Frank? He's absolutely spotless. She did? I might use that on my Edinburgh poster.

He's very clean. Absolutely spotless. My girlfriend. Yes, well, yes, because I was just talking about the fact that Geldof always looks a bit... He looks less grobby than he did, actually. I think he might have cleaned up in later life. I haven't told you about the suit story. But, Geldof...

I wore a suit to another premiere and he said to me, I like that suit, Frank, it's very you, cheap. He did not. He did. He did. Oh, dear. Yeah, exactly. If I was African, I'd send the stuff back. I don't want your blood money.

Anyway, I was thinking about grubby... You know, there are certain celebrities who just look a bit grubby. They always do. Look like they could do with a bath, a few of them. I mean, some people who I really respect and admire... I mean, I'm a big fan of Johnny Depp, but have a bit of a scrub. Yeah. A bit dirty.

Um, I think that'd be a great phoning. Grubby, who do you think? Which celebrities could do with a bit of a good wash? Richard, spotless. Judy, a little bit grubby. Do you think? Can I be honest? I've often thought Richard looked clean, though.

Oh, lovely. Spotless, absolutely spotless, like Frank. I can't, this whole conversation. Are you suggesting that Judy looks grubby? Yes, I'm afraid so. I don't think she looks not so much grubby as dusty. That's a difference, I think. Just a bit rumpled.

You'd have to go with a duster rather than a wet wipe, wouldn't you? Yeah, I think... I can imagine rolling a J-cloth into a bit of a tight tube, stretching it out and then getting in the folds. A bit like, I don't know if you've ever polished a brogue for someone else, but you have to get underneath the leather overlapp. I know exactly what you mean. I think you need to get under Judy's leather overlapp.

That's what I'm saying. I'm saying her design is basically brogue. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying that her design is basically brogue. That's what I'm saying. On the last hour, the boss thing, I got... It took me back, because these bosses were the ones...

At the back, they're open. Do you remember? They don't have the closing door. They just have a metal bar. Now, when I was a child, and indeed a youth, the conductors, something else that's disappeared, I might say, they used to swing off those. They were like cheeky, chappy conductors, and they used to swing off the back bar,

saying, come on, move along, up there, and all that kind of stuff. And I miss that. I was with a girlfriend once in Digbeth Bus Station in Birmingham, and all that kind of stuff. And I miss that. I was with a girlfriend once in Digbeth bus station in Birmingham, and our bus was there, but the driver had gone off for some sort of refreshment, and the doors were shut so he couldn't get on. And I said to her, I said,

do you know when I was a kid, the buses didn't, you used to have doors. And she said to me, well well how do people get on it didn't last very much longer than that i've had a a nostalgia moment this week i was at my mum's house and oh yeah she still uses pearl drops toothpaste and i don't know if all mums do but i saw it and had a real flashback of thinking, wow, that's... I'm not completely... It rings a bell, Pearl Drops, but I'm not...

Oh, yeah. Triangly... Triangular. Yeah, like a little triangle with the lid as the plinth, almost. Like you'd stand on its... The pedestal. On its top, yeah, yeah. You'd stand it up.

A triangular pack. It was a very early... If ever I make a blue Peter mid-Ewer, I might be glad of a couple of those. As the most beauty literate amongst the team, it was a very early foray into the whitening process. And may I say, I find as a beauty literate person, sometimes the old faithfuls are the best.

I'm actually a fan of um oh yeah well i think the pearl drop i think i could top your old faithful toothpaste are you as a teenager i used to use salt i did i used to wet the toothbrush and then just dab it in salt and then uh and then clean my teeth. Was that a choice? Well, I've read somewhere that's not, but it makes your gums bleed a bit. I mean, I knew you grew up poor, but...

We could have afforded toothpaste. Have you read Angela's Ashes? I think I used them once. LAUGHTER Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

As you may have guessed, that was one of my choices. That was Like a Fox by Me. Oh. Now, I know what you're thinking. They're called Me. It's a band called Me. OK. It'd be silly.

Do you think I'll be playing my own records on here? Who do you think I am? Ronnie Wood. Chroma. Ronnie Wood, who has stories about seeing Jimi Hendrix 18 minutes before he died. And mine is Bob Geldof. I wouldn't give him any popcorn at a premiere. That's why he got the big award.

What else? Well, Frank, Alan was talking about feeling nostalgic. Yeah, I know. That's what we're paying for. Oh, by the way, before I get on to that, I'd like to read out a text. 734. Lindsay Lohan looks

murky to me. And my mum still uses pearl drops and writes coal tar soap. That's from Bernie in Erith, Kent. That's a multi-purpose. She's covered all the themes of the show so far. We're talking about groppy celebrities. Coal tar soap, I've never even heard of. Coal tar is that kind of orange see-through soap.

Oh, I hated that. It looks like a very big lozenge. If I went to a friend's house and they had that, I instantly wrote them off as a family. Did you? I thought they were just very parsimonious, very not very spontaneous, nice people. Well,

you judged all of that from their bar of soap. One bar of soap is all it takes, honey. We, uh, if I went to anyone's house when I was a kid and they had soap, I thought they were ostentatious in the extreme. Why haven't you just got some salt by the sink like we have? Imagine if they had toothpaste, Alan.

Well, the thing my dad used was called Eucral. Do you remember that? It was called Smoker's Tooth Powder. Yes, I do know what that is. Yeah, and that was pretty abrasive. It wasn't exactly salt, but, I mean, it was full on. And that you used to wet your brush and just dab it in the top and then go for it. And Gordon Moores.

Now we're on the toothpaste. What's that? What's Gordon Moores? Gordon Moores was a bit of an experiment. My brother Terry used to use Gordon Moores. It was toothpaste. When you squeezed it, it came out of the tube. It was dark red, the toothpaste. It looked like liver.

And the idea of it was that it made your gums go dark red, so your teeth look whiter. Oh, David Walliams style. Does he do that? Very deep, intense red gum. That's because I've always thought he could possibly be a vampire by night. Do you know what I mean? He's just going to touch a gingivitis or something. If you had a young virgin sister and you went to talk to her in one night,

make sure she was all right, and David Walliams was standing on the window sill in a cloak, would you be surprised? Not remotely. No. I'd just think, oh, he's here again. That's why we've got our bars on the window sill. Where did I put that garlic? That's what I i'd be thinking because i have no sense of smell

otherwise i'd be able to lay my hand on it immediately i do you know what i felt oddly wistful about the other day was um 192 director inquiries does that still exist no that's why i felt wistful because i went well i needed a number and I thought, oh, I felt really sad. I went to, I almost had a tear in my eye. I went to ring it and I realised, what do you do now? There's those weird mustachioed twins. I can't even remember. They were like 118 or something.

Yeah. But just the loss of that. I don't know. You know what it is? It's Google, isn't it? Is that what it is? Google's killed 192 just like Ann Summers killed the Tupperware party. She did.

Before Ann Summers, women used to gather and have Tupperware parties. It's true. And she killed it. And Google has killed the 192 industry. Those weird mustachioed twins, didn't Lemby Opie go out with one of them? I, um... So it's gone 192? I believe so. And 153.

You'll be telling me next that there's no dialer disc. Apparently New York yellow taxis are going as well. Are they? Apparently they're bringing in some other kind of... I read in a newspaper. Apparently. I don't know which one. It's probably left on a train. I'm not a news hound.

Yeah. You're a Metro guy. Yeah. I like Metro. It's good. Leftover Metro. Well, a news hound. Yeah. You're a metro guy. Yeah. I like metro, it's good. Leftover, leftover. Yeah. As Jonny Mitchell said, a big yellow taxi took away my old man. Did you? Yeah, I shot it in the door, it was a, it was a horrible accident. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

That's Tomic there from Blondie. When I say Blondie, obviously not Adolf Hitler's Alsatian. You stupid. Have you had a spillage? I just spilt some water down my top. Sorry, Frank. That's okay. Is that really the name of Adolf Hitler's Alsatian? Yes. Well, it was. Let's get the text right. Yeah. Sorry, Frank. That's okay. Is that really the name of Adolf Hitler's Alcierche? Yes. Well, it was. Let's get the text right.

Tense, rather. Text right. Talking of texts, though... Oh, it's all gone a bit wet t-shirt now, if you don't mind me saying. A black bra under a white top is bad enough, but a wet white top... Frank, you've just told all the listeners what colour my bra is. That is disgusting.

Oh. Okay. Sorry. I take that back. Any listeners who are interested, you've just told all the listeners what colour my bra is. That is disgusting. Oh. Okay. Sorry. I take that back. Any listeners who are interested, I've got a normal Asda cotton boxer short on. Really? Just to even up the balance. I'm wearing a singlet. Yeah, I'm wearing a slightly off-white cherub vest.

Normally aimed at the toddler, but I find them snug. With a clasp underneath. No, no, it's not a teddy. I'm not suggesting for a second I'm wearing a teddy. One of those teddies when they're going to be... And there's just one press stud holding on. You know that? The other press stud.

The others have come loose. They're just happy if they can get one press stud shut. That'll do. And whatever's down there will have'll let it make its own room. You know what I'm talking about. What were we talking about? You and a teddy, rather worryingly. Yeah.

But fortunately, I can change the subject, because Lucy has texted in. Oh. Michelle Collins, Cindy Beale, decidedly murky. No, murky. We were asking for grobby celebrities you might have spotted. I know what they mean. I mean, you know, she's a fabulous actress and not an unattractive woman. No.

But I wouldn't want to eat angel delight out the small of her back. For example. Yeah. I think it might be the highlights, just a little bit, yeah. Do you think it's that? I don't know about... She's one of those... I'll say I think she's a good actress and an attractive woman.

Don't get me wrong, Michelle Collins. But I don't know about you. When I look at her on telly, I can smell tobacco breath. And I just have an ordinary telly. I don't need to think I have any kind of... Smell efficient. Yeah. I'm not doing...

I don't have EastEnders Scratch and Sniff Radio Time Supplement. That would be quite good, wouldn't it? Fish and Chip Shop. You rub the fish and chips. Dot Cotton Embalming Fluid. I'd love it. Thanks a lot. Someone at 966. Black bra,

white top, gross. Black bra, white top sounds like the opening of Sweet Jean Vincent by Also, can I just point out, 966, you're not fashion forward, nor should you be, but if you're a fashion literate, you'd realise it's very on trend right now. Very on trend.

I hate it when she gets fashion vicious. We've had no sex about the Asda cotton boxer shorts. No. No, so presumably they've passed the listener test. I'm hoping they're dry. I'm hoping. I think we'd better get some adverts. Open and dry.

Yeah, while I get my mouth right. Welcome to Frank's. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Happy How At by the House Martins. That sounds like some sort of exercise for sounding your H's. I love your alliteration, Frank. Oh, the House Martins.

The cockerel has never been more aptly dressed. Do I look like a house martin? Yeah, you've got that house... You don't look like a house martin, has he? I thought it was a bird reference, Frank. It works on so many levels. No, but he's, you know, he's a bit... I know they're not Britpop,

but they've got that feel to them, do you know what I mean? Right. He's ever at home in a Fred Perry. Oh, yeah. I think you'd agree with that. Definitely. You can text us on 81215

if you have anything to say. I find that our listeners generally do. Oh, they're not just receivers, they're transmitters too. Well, we've had a text in from Lucy and Jason. We're talking about grubby celebrities. Grubby? Nigel Kennedy, very grubby when we went

past him at a Norwegian airport. I know what you mean about Nigel Kennedy. He's almost deliberately grubby. Yeah, that's one of his USPs, isn't it? Well, you know, he's in a world where normally the concert musician would be

very dapper and well turned out, wouldn't they? I agree. That's his thing. He's a rebel. He is, yeah. The grubby is his thing. He's Aston Villa shirt under a tail jacket is his look, isn't he? There's only him that's ever sported that look. And there's also the, um, you know he's got the, the violin, um, wart thing?

Yeah. Because he, he, he played so much violin he got a, like a terrible scab formed in that spot where it used to, a callus, it was a callus. It's like the, uh, gap in Steve Davis's chin, isn't it, was caused by his, uh, cue. It was. That can't be true. It wasn't, no, but apparently when he used to play and he'd put his chin on the cue, they'd get letters of complaint saying, that's not fair that he can use his chin. Use of Claire.

Yeah, I think that's quite right. Deal with the cards you're given, isn't it? Frank, we also had a text in from Amanda Taunton. I see Frank's got the bag up the corner behind him. Is he off somewhere this weekend? If so, goodie. More stories for the Not The Weekend podcast. I wish people wouldn't talk about Emma the producer like that.

I mean, show her a bit of respect. No, I have got, I've got my, um, I'm calling it my knapsack, or is it my haversack? My backpack, maybe. What is the current, what do people call it now? I think I would call that a small rucksack or a backpack. You call it... Oh, backpack you're going for.

I'd call it a valise, but we move in very different circles. I don't think it's a valise. What's a valise? That's a nice case. I'll talk to you about it afterwards. If I'm wearing a backpack, I really want to be jet-propelled in some way. That's what I'm wearing a backpack. I really want to be jet-propelled in some way. That's what I'm feeling. Was it Roger Moore who went up on that thing when you hold the two handles at the front? I really thought that was going to be the future.

It was Roger Moore and Condorman, I believe. But I think Condorman to less successful. I've seen that machine. They had an exhibition of the James Bond things at the Imperial War Museum. And they had the... And apparently they did work, those things, when you fly in the air. But they were inclined to suddenly cut out the engine,

which obviously is a dilemma. Yeah. Frank, we've had an email in from Mike in Vietnam. Mike in Vietnam. Ooh. Ooh. Mike in Vietnam. Ooh. Making Vietnam. Ooh.

Carry on. Finished? Yeah. Is he a veterinary surgeon? No. Okay. He's not a veterinary vet either. He says,

Dear Frank, Emily and the cockerel. Taken off, Frank, that cockerel. Well done. And they don't often. I find once they're on that fence, they're there for a good part of daylight. Okay, they roost later on.

Don't we all? Did anyone else notice the Tiswas theme to the hearings? Oh, the hearings. You know what he's talking about. Oh, the Murdoch hearings. Yes. Oh, okay. The Murdoch hearings on my Sky Plus never to be deleted one. God, that's a bit of a hearings on my Sky Plus never to be deleted one. God, that's a bit of a long one to keep.

I don't like to keep anything over 90 minutes on Sky Plus. No, that's staying forever. Those banging hands. That I didn't like. We had celebrity interviews, the Phantom Flan flinger throwing pies, and even the MP doing a lot of interviewing was from West Brom. Oh, I see, because Tiz was, was Birmingham based. It was, indeed. To complete things, all it needed was some cages for the adults to stand

and then Chris Tarrant to come on and sling a bucket of water from Mike in Vietnam. That's our first hearings email. I hadn't picked up on that theme, I must admit. It was... I mean, I did watch a large chunk of it. He did keep... The banging! Oh, it's infuriating, isn't it?

Yeah, I was wondering... Even now I feel slightly angry just that he did keep, when he spoke, he... Oh, it infuriates me. Yeah, I, I, I was wondering... Even now I feel slightly angry just that you did that for ten seconds. I know, it's so annoying. I'm wondering if he, if he operates his entire sort of multi, multimedia empire using a sort of modified, modified digital drum kit. So he's just saying, that'll be that, that office, and tell Geoff to get me a bed. Yeah, he, he was all over the place.

He looked old, though. I thought that was, it was Morse code for start the car, wasn't it? He looked old. He knows what he's doing, Frank. Do you think? He didn't look old when he was putting together that bid for BCIB the other week, did he? No, I'm thinking now he's just the face. He's the friendly face. Oh, ever so friendly. He's a very clean old man.

People have been going on about Wendy Deng and the left hook and all this and her performance during the Pi incident. I have to say, though, I actually think she's been very unsung. My favourite, there was a woman in Ecru with a black diary who sort of battered him off, who I liked. There's very it was a woman in ecru with a black diary who sort of battered him off who i like there's also another woman in ecru yeah sort of a crew suit a tote

and then afterwards there was a woman you could just hear on the audio who she just said it was totally silent and she went outrageous she was the best woman ever i'm going to get on with that woman i'm going to meet her i like like her. She's right, though. It was outrageous. It was outrageous. It was outrageous. What did you think, Frank? Well, I liked the fact that he offered to be there on satellite rather than live. Did you know that?

And they said, no, no, he had to turn up. They summoned him. But he was obviously so bitter about that that he still left in the satellite delay. No, before answering any questions. Let's say something. Was you aware of that, Mr Murdoch? And then there's that moment. Has he heard? Has he heard?

And his son, every time he was talking, his son was looking at him, and I was trying to define what the look was. And it was either, my poor father, I want to protect you from these people, or it was, you old fool, you'll ruin everything! Couldn't decide. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

That was the fall with I'm Frank. Hi, Frank. I'm Frank, it's called. Yeah, hi, Frank. Hello. We were talking about the Murdoch hearings, and you mentioned Wendy Ding, and I feel we should probably... Is it Ding or Deng?

I think it's Deng. Oh, sorry, I think... Is that some sort of racial stereotype that I've gone for, Ding? I don't know. Oh, no. Sorry, I apologise if that was it was not deliberate yeah she was a very glamorous oriental woman

in the pink jacket behind she was going to get on screen wasn't she yeah his third wife I bet she's one of those

when she was younger she used to stand behind the racing interviews the horse race waving she was definitely going to get on very beautiful woman

I mean, fair play to... He's done well, hasn't he? She's, yeah, yeah. Not sure about her attire for the court appearance. I really thought it was inappropriate. Yeah, I think a neutral would have been more suitable. Never mind. Each to his own. Yeah, I thought she carried it off well.

And, of course, she did very... I mean, it's a moving moment when she defended her husband from attack. Yeah. Did you not think? No. OK. Really?

No. I thought James was a bit tardy to lead to his defence, wasn't he? No, I think he thought this was an opportunity. You'd think that she'd be thinking, hold on, here comes the money. Startle him. Yeah, this could be the moment. Yeah, I won't need that brown paper bag I've brought with me.

I liked it after... She probably said, get out of here't need that brown paper bag I've brought with me. I liked it afterwards. She probably said, get out of here and don't come back till you've got a firearm. Well, yeah, because I noticed the MPs, and they were enjoying their Martine McCutcheon moment, weren't they? It was their moment, their big moment. It was their moment. As the grand questioners. They were really making the most of it.

Well, they'd just gone on to Louise Mensch, who is... No bag, sure. The glamorous MP. The glamorous MP who is... No bag, sure. The glamorous MP. The glamorous MP. Yeah. No bag, sure. And she, yes, she was in the middle of questioning, wasn't she? I think she stores food in her cheeks. I could be wrong, but...

She has got a bulge. Yeah, I think she's thought, this is a long hearing. I reckon I can get a couple of samosas in. And if I don't need to eat them, I can do a quick mid-year impression. But she made a big point afterwards of saying, can I just say, you've been so brave and courageous. And I thought, well, it was a custard pie. It wasn't a submachine gun. That really irritated

me. I'm glad you've said it was a custard pie, because no one seemed to acknowledge that it was a custard pie. I mean, seemed to acknowledge that it was a custard pie. I mean, a custard pie doesn't have to be baked or contain custard. You know, it's a slapstick tradition. Exactly fine. I found that annoying, though. A, his little protest, I think, just gives the Daily Mail the opportunity to go,

ooh, modern comedians aren't funny. And look, they also throw pies at rich old men that don't know where they are and that i think he's in a way he's given modern comedians a bad name but also i think he's given pie a bad name because it's just a plate with some shaving foam on it it's not pie i know but when they kept saying the plate of foam it sounded like some terrible font pop sit on the plate of foam about half an hour. It was still a you know, it was intended. It was a custard pie.

Come to think of it, when we spoke the other week about what clowns eat, we never even speculated they might eat custard pies. I can't believe we overlooked that. That's their staple diet. It's so obvious, isn't it? That's their bread. That's probably why they're so hyper, all the empty calories

in the empty calories. They're constantly on sugar rushes. Frank. And glassy cherries. Yeah. Big, really big glassy cherries. They love that. That's their amuse-bouche.

Is it? I don't know what that means. Google it. Sounds nice. Frank. 033, it was Sean Connery in Thunderball who had the backpack. Oh, it was Sean Connery. I did say I wasn't certain. You can't imagine...

You'd think with Roger Moore, he'd have switched it on and just his eyebrows would have gone up on him. And he'd have remained. I think a few people have corrected us on the jetpack Sean Connery issue. But I expressed doubt. Yeah, totally. Absolutely. I had no knowledge. I mean, when I find out the person who did this, I can't remember. I didn't like his hands, Frank.

Big Spanish hams. Big Spanish hams? Yeah, banging the table. Big Spanish hams. Big Spanish hams? Yeah, banging the table. No, but it's odd that moment that people did feel sorry for him when he got attacked with the pie. Because, you know, he's supposed to be the most hated man on the planet.

And suddenly they thought, oh, no, that horrible comedian's done that. Johnny Marbles has done that to him. Well, they probably didn't recognise him. How many people at home thought, hold on, isn't that Johnny Marbles? Still, maybe he will get publicity and he will repopularise marbles, which wouldn't be a bad thing.

Well, exactly. Like a marble. I'm looking forward to the work of the woman who said, outrageous. And our inevitable friendship. I can imagine finding out that you're a friend of Louise Mensch, if you don't mind me saying that. Oh, I'd love to be a friend of Louise Mensch. She's an attractive woman. I wouldn't mind being on to Mensch. As they say in Germany.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Kids. MGMT. Sorry, I forgot to have them. Frank. We've had a text in. Re-grubby celebrities on 073. Surely the shape of the imperial leather bar is the most nostalgic of all the soaps. That's just not re-grubby celebrities, it's re-nostalgic, but there you go.

Oh, and you can still phone 192 if you add 500. Sorry? I was going to say Emma from Malta saying, I still use Pears soap.

Still going strong and still the best soap. I can't quite picture... Oh, the Pears, yeah, I've got a sense of that. That again looks like that could be a mint, a big mint.

Yeah. Classic, classic Pears soap. When she says the classic Imperial Leather, does she mean when you first get it and it looks like the packed envelope look? Yeah, classic, classic pair of soap. When she says the classic imperial leather, does she mean when you first get it and it looks like the packed envelope look, or even a pillow?

It could be a sort of a Barbie doll pillow, couldn't it? Yeah. Or does she mean when you've used it a bit and the stubborn silver paper remains and the soap has to work its way around it, so it forms a sort of a kitten heel of soap. With the silver thing as the kind of tiny sole on the bottom of the kink, and then the slightly... Oh, it's a beautiful thing, though.

I don't know. I never get down that far, Frank. Well, that's not what I've heard. It's funny you should say that, because I live in constant dilemma of what to do when... You know you get your new bar of soap in the... I go for quite fancy soap. I'm not a man of luxurious taste, but I like good tea bags and good soap.

Really? That's my two things. And I won't cut corners on a tea bag no what a mess that is not another round anyway but i i don't know what i would like sometimes they're uh pyramid like oh yeah you can cut corners on them yeah but i i when you first get a bar or so because my my the i get them from a fancy shop, so they're roughly hewn, the ones. So when I first get them, they've got sharp corners. So that first shower can be a bit tricky,

but when it starts to smooth out, beautiful. But then you get to the point where it gets very small, the soap. I've never had this discussion with anyone, but what are you supposed to do? Do people actually throw it away? You know, it gets too small to really manoeuvre with. Yes. No, it never sort of happens to me.

Doesn't it? Because I know it's a bit left field, but you could just put it in the bin and buy another one. No, I can't do that. I find willful waste makes woeful want. Oh, your weird waste thing. Willful waste makes woeful want. That's what weird waste thing. Willful waste makes woeful want. That's what my dad used to say, yeah.

That's a nice sentence. Yeah, I remember him taking toast out of the bin in the kitchen, saying that. God bless him. Anyway, yeah. Well, if you are going to eat out of the bin, then you do need a sentence for it, and that is the one.

You need a motto. Yeah, definitely. No, what I've started doing is I let it get as small as I can, as it'll go, you know, where you can still practically use it. Now, there is a thing, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, when it gets really quite small, I sometimes, I'll introduce the new tablet of soap into the shower, why that one is still relatively practical to use. Oh, yeah.

And what I'll do, this is absolutely true, is I'll use the new bar of soap just for the top half of me. Yeah. And then because I feel, you know, I feel the lower half is a place where it's a shame to use the new soap on that so soon. Oh, I consider that the VIP area. Oh, do you? No.

Not in my shower. So I use the on-the-way-out soap. I use that for downstairs and all that. People have different coloured chopping boards for meat and vegetables. But very similar. Very, very similar indeed oh man he doth crow ladies and gentlemen no doubt about that so um yeah and the other thing i do sometimes i'll do an implant so what i'll'll do is, as I leave the shower...

Which end of the shower are we now? I've just used both. I've used the new soap for the top half of me and the smaller soap for the bottom. As I leave, I'll graft the smaller soap onto the big tablet. Oh, yeah, you can pack it on. I've seen that. I've seen that in people's houses. Yeah. Really?

It's like a soap implant. Oh, people's houses from 1941 yeah yeah the north is very different emily frank don't sully 1940 no but in the days when you use about patching hemp with white lavender no but frank i don't think you should sully the new soap with your old lather memories keep it keep it clean i say i think it's a bit like it's like chain soaping you know you sort of pack it on like a barnacle or something exactly well with the imperial i'll use an imperial lather one and and it's out was it leather you want to say lather don't you that's a special edition one it teases you into lather but it is

leather i had the kitten heel thing and i graft grafted it onto an entire bar of soap. And if you put the Imperial Leather kitten heel on the top, it looked like one of those things they use for curling. You know that? The ice thing. And I thought I could probably have a game in here around the bottom of the shower, maybe with two blokes with tough brushes, wildly brushing ahead of it. We were always in there anyway. They may be put to use.

They're around. Oh, my God, the techs have gone mad with this. Oh, they're loving it. So many suggestions. We'll have to have some music while we coordinate. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had a text in Hi Gang, read the Murdoch hearings. Did Emily notice James Murdoch's calcium-rich fingernails? As a friend of Dorothy, I did. What does that mean? Well, it just means, you know when people have got, if you have a lot of calcium in your diet, your nails look very healthy, Frank. Very white, very

strong nail beds. Yeah, rather than yellowy, white, essentially. You see, I noticed that on James Murdoch. I just assumed it was the after effect of having your fingerprints removed. Soap. Let me talk soap. Yeah. Have we had any soap texts?

We have, haven't we? We have. I'm so happy about that. If someone can solve this problem for me, in case you've just tuned in, I cannot throw away that last little bit of soap. I will not waste it. Let's call it the nub. The nub of the soap. The nub end of the soap, shall we?

I'm happy to call it that. We don't have to. There's nobody emailed in saying that's what it should be called. The last sliver. Oh, yeah, the final sliver. Yeah. We've had 754. Why not pierce the soap with a fork

and use that device for direction and manoeuvring? I think then what you've done, no, you've wasted a fork. Yeah. Because even if you wash a fork, I would always know that as the soap fork. You know, somebody bought me a bowl full of sort of solid shaving soap. And so, you know, you rub your shaving brush in there and blah, blah.

And I'm getting to the end of that shaving soap. So soon we're going to have a new addition to the bowl cupboard. But I know it'll always be the soap bowl. I'll never be able to eat cereal out of that. And the thing is, a fork looks like the other forks. So if you were to use a fork with a bit of soap on it and then re-put it, put it back into the cutlery, it'd be like Russian roulette. You'd not know. Is this...

Well, I'd use a bit of tape, like I do with my toothbrush. You'd use a bit of tape. You'd mark it out. Because Cash bought these toothbrushes that were like a hundred for ten quid. Right. And they all look, obviously, they're identical. And I've got one. You've got a job lot. Why have you got a high Swiss family Robinson? Why have you got hundreds?

So, you know, we have guests, and obviously I don't want to be using any of their toothbrushes, so mine's got, I've put a little bit of tape around mine. And the Raleigh's come up. Recognisable. It's all right, I know. If my family's there, there's no danger they'll be using toothbrushes. They've got the salt, haven't they?

Exactly. We've had a few more, haven't we, Al? Loads of soap thriftiness. My partner will spend £150 on a shirt But refuses to throw a tea bag out without using it twice I like that That could be safe do you know Because my mum used to say don't throw a hot tea bag

In the bin in case it catches fire She honestly did She did keep a lot of kindling in the bin though didn't she We've had also 858 Phosphorus. So what I think is quite practical advice here. My mum used to put the small soaps into a pair of tights till it made a big ball, then reuse the mixed soaps. Brilliant.

That is... That's brilliant. That's inspired. She's using up some old tights and she's reusing the soap there. Where do you keep the soap tights? You think hanging over the shower door like a keep net for an angler? She's got an entire wicker man somewhere of things that she's reassembling.

You don't think she fills the... She doesn't wait till the whole tights are full. She's like Guy Fawkes night in there. I don't want to go in with two big soap legs with varying collars as well from all the different types of soap. Serve on a loofer. Oh, no, you don't want to. I don't want to.

My girlfriend walks in, I've got a big pair of ladies' legs around me neck doing me soap it up. Oh, no. I know it wouldn't be infidelity if it did feel like I was yearning for it. It would. It would, yes. Anyway, this won't put the bonnet on the baby. We can safely say that. Nor will it put Rob Bonnet on a popular sports programme.

We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I love that. Republica, drop dead gorgeous there. Good. I don't say there enough, I think. DJ, that's what you're supposed to say.

Yeah. Bobby McFerrin there. Frank, we've had some soap texts in. Van Jericho there. Sorry, carry on. 209. My mum used the sharp end of the leftover bit of soap to write reminder messages on the bathroom mirror.

That's a great... By Joan Crawford, mummy dearest. I don't really... I like that. I don't think there's been a sharp end, particularly. Mine tends to fade fairly equilaterally. OK. We've had what I feel might be a solution to your problem. Oh, yes.

It's quite ingenious. This is from Christopher Austin. In case you've just tuned in, this is what do I do with the last sliver of soap? I can't bring myself to throw it away. Go on. These are the issues we're debating. Christopher Austin says, I just sit it in top of the new bar and it sticks to it. In the innovations catalogue, you can buy something called a soap miser.

What, I'll sue? That's your moniker. Exactly. Into which you put all your nearly finished cakes. He's using cakes in the soap sense, clearly. No, I like cake and soap, yeah. Then you screw it shut, screw it tightly and it compresses them

into a single new multicoloured cake, a sort of frankensoap. Man, am I going to get one of those. Frankensoap? Is that what they took to the baby Jesus, one of those? Do you think the three wise men, the bloke who delivered the frankensoap, did he just use his own soap or did he say to the other two wise men, if you get any bits of soap, don't throw them away, I'm making a bit of a frankensoap for the baby Jesus.

From the innovations tablet. For who? You know, the baby Jesus. I told you about the star thing. You better not have another appointment. A little bit of a snatch of conversation from the magi. They're here on Absolute Radio. Yeah.

I don't think there's enough New Testament outtakes on this station. If I've said that once, I've said it a thousand times. What else? Well, I'll tell you what I wanted to discuss briefly, Frank. There was one of my favourite cases of MI this week, mistaken identity.

Ah, yes. And it was when, there was this guy who was booked to discuss a baseball, it was a big baseball story. Oh, I saw this. Did you see that? I saw it on the internet. And it was when there was this guy who was booked to discuss a baseball, it was a big baseball story. Oh, I saw this. Did you see that? I saw it on the internet. And the news guy...

Not the internet. Yeah, the internet. You see the news guy cutting to him, and he says, oh, I'm going to hand over to our baseball editor, Ben Walker, and there's this very kind of quite strict Andy Warhol American man with the horn-rimmed spectacles. Well, I mean, an ugly man. No, but I mean, he was...

It cut to him, and he was a very ugly man. If someone's going to be silent on telly, you want them to be beautiful. Because you think, OK, they're not talking, but at least I can have a good look at them. You didn't want him. You needed to be very interesting very quickly, just to take your mind...

He looked... He was a Hamptons Gerald Kaufman, I think. If they dragged the body of Harry Hill out of the Thames after he'd been missing three or four days, that's what this bloke looked like. I mean, he was horrific. Well, you heard the correspondent, didn't you? The guy in the studio said, over to Ben Walker, our baseball correspondent,

can you hear me, can you hear me? And Harry Hill in the Thames man says, you know what, it's an even worse situation because I'm not Ben Walker and I know nothing about baseball. Yeah. He got quite angry. It's a worse situation. I'm not Ben Walker and I know nothing about baseball. Yeah. He got quite angry. It's a worse situation. I'm not Ben Walker and boy am I ugly.

But he was Murdoch's biographer so he thought he was on to discuss that. It was what I call a Guy Gomer situation. Yeah. Well I wish we could talk about it more but I'm afraid the time is ebbing away. I've got to get off to St Albans. I'm going to a thing called Laughs in the Park. Lovely.

Just me and Kevin Spacey. I'm looking forward to it. And if you want to download our Not the Weekend podcast, that's around on Wednesday. That's completely separate from this show. And can I say,

they are downloaded in their droves. I'm very happy to say, and thank you for that. It's a cockerel effect. Now, this is the last time I'm ever going to say Ben Jones is next. Oh. Yes, I'm having my vocal cords removed on Tuesday. Now, obviously, this is going to have a serious effect on my work. No, Ben Jones is leaving this week, so I won't be handing over to Ben Jones

ever again. And may I say, that fills me with great sadness. We've had that kind of, you know, leg-pulling, hand-over thing, which is a radio tradition, but I love Ben Jones, and I'm really going to miss him. We've got him a gift. Got him a present. I'll tell you what, because I've never seen Ben Jones without a baseball cap,

except for one picture of him topless in Men's Health magazine. We won't go into it. And so we've got him a, let's say it's a sort of a specific baseball cap. Or the producer's delving. No, don't delve. We won't give it him on air in case he cries. I'm welling up.

We've had a team of local sweatshop workers on this for a week. And so can we take this point to say goodbye, Ben, and we love you and we'll miss you, and good luck with whatever you do. And now it turns out I'm playing a song called The Importance of Being Idle.

I mean, is that... As if I'm condemning him to years of unemployment. Oh, it's all gone. You've spoilt it now. Bye, Ben. End of unemployment. Oh, it's all gone. You've spoilt it now. Bye then. End of line. End of line.