The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Al Murray

Episode Date: December 18, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk cricket, Matt Cardle and an Oxford education with Al Murray.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Softlinks, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio. We've got cricket on the telly here in the studio.

Yeah, is that a good idea? Is it going to turn into cricket commentary? No, but if I suddenly go, oh, now that we've lost the wicket. You know, this is the one time I watch television and I'm completely blown away by the whole concept of it, is when I watch Ashes cricket from Australia, I just think, hold on, I'm sitting in London,

there's snow outside, and what's happening in Perth is like a window in the corner of my room, live and in colour. Isn't that absolutely amazing? I'm glad you're so pleased. How can you be so blase about it? How can that possibly be occurring? People are moving the other side of the planet

and I can sit them in my house and make any sense. You sometimes think, what are they doing in Australia right now? No, I don't think they're that. That's a stupid thing to think. What I'm thinking about is the technical. They're bouncing that off something in space so I can watch it. Come on. Let's just embrace the excitement of that.

Anyway, this morning... I'm getting excited. There's no Stuart Broad. No, well, he had that thing with his stomach. Yeah. Didn't like that much. Pulled a muscle in his stomach. When you saw his stomach...

Oh, did he? There was like a big bruise on it. Oh, lovely. Like the pulling of a muscle had broken some... Lovely stomach there. Anyway, as you were. He had got a lovely stomach. I'll admit that. It was bronzed, obviously, by lying around in

training in maybe just a crop top. Oh, I love it. Oh, he did. Lovely. I wouldn't have minded and I'm, you know, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any kind of section, but I am a heterosexual, but I saw his stomach, and I thought I wouldn't have minded just dragging an index finger down just to feel the indentation of each six-pack segue.

Do you know what I mean? No, I wouldn't like to see that. I'm not saying I'd be looking. It's a strange union. I'd probably do it with my eyes partially closed and going, mmm. And I don't mean that in any kind of sexual way. I think you can say sexual this time of the month.

Oh, no, you can't. Anyway, you can text us about anything you like except that on 8-12-15. Not 8, no, not at 8- at 8 12 15 it's not like a uri geller thing or you all have to text me at the same time and i can make something catch fire it's not like that and our guest today is al murray oh i love him also known also known as the pub landlord no or uncle buck that's what i call him do you that's another story because he reminds me of

uncle buck the character in some ways. And when you were away, he was sent to look after us, and we had all sorts of adventures. And he misbehaved. Can I own up that I don't know who Uncle Buck is? Oh, Frank. From Candy Film. Google it!

Yeah, I will Google. But, you know, I'm a bit busy at the moment. What with the cricket being on and stuff. So I tell you what I did this week. I was out wandering. I walk a lot, as you may know, sometimes at great speed. And I passed the Wyndham's Theatre in Charing Cross Road in London, which is a large conurbation in the south-east of England,

for those of you listening elsewhere. And who should be standing at the stage door but Bill Bailey? Oh, yeah. The musical comedy person. Is that what you'd call him? Mm, lovely hair. Do you think so? Yeah.

Oh, wow. OK, so, well, in the shade of the know you know that little lamp you have outside the stage door there was a strong um wagner element to his appearance but you know so he was doing that thing that people do after a show they were signing autographs and having their photo taken and i basically um i sort of hijacked it what do you Well, I went in and joined in and got on some photos. You can't do that. No, it did seem... I felt like...

You can't do that. You know when you see the tiny bird on the back of the rhino? Just eating the mites. And you think, oh, that enormous beast is there and that tiny bird is living off it. I felt a bit like that for a few seconds. You can't be an interloper, an autographed interloper. No, not an anteloper.

No. Hippo, he said. No, rhino, I said. Oh, I've mistaken the hippo and the rhino. See, I did that. I ordered what I thought was a rhino. And I only wanted it to hang a hat on. Of course, when the hippo turned up,

there's the slightly sticky-out ears, but it's nothing like the matted-hair horn of the rhino. So I ended up just putting the hat on it like it was some sort of comical cartoon thing. Waste of money. I do love that, Frank, though. When you're standing next to two famous people, that's actually a sentence in itself, I've just realised,

but when you're standing next to two famous people, that's actually a sentence in itself. I'm just real. But when you're standing next to two famous people and one of them gets the autograph ask and the other one is loitering, waiting. I know. Oh, I love it. I was walking through London once with David Baddiel. This was in his glory days when he was. He's still in his glory days. I know that, but I mean in his big glory days. We've all had big glory days and now smaller glory days.

And someone came up to me and they said, oh, right, have you got a pen? And I said, yeah. And then I gave them the pen and they said to Dave, can I have your autograph, please? Imagine.

I just laughed it off. I went like that. With a small, just a tiny tear. You see, they had his autograph, but they had your pen. So, you know, in a way... Do you think they just wanted my pen? Like in the Somme today, you can win Matt Cardle shoes.

Yeah. Celebrity memorabilia. If I had them, I'd use them for a wicked spell. We'll talk about Matt Cardle. I've got a theory about Matt Cardle. Well, you've got a thing about him is what you've got. I've got a... My theory, just before I play the next track,

is that Matt Cardle is evil to the core. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, what was we talking about? Oh, yeah. Oh, Matt Cardle. We said he was evil.

I'll come to that. He'll keep. He'll still be evil by the time I get round to him. I don't have any doubts about that. I wouldn't be surprised if, as we speak about him, he's not digging a shallow grave on waste ground. He's only got another 15 minutes, so we'd better hurry up. I think he's got people to do that.

I was talking about the stage door thing. So I'm thinking of touring round stage doors. You know, if I tour round, say about 10 o'clock, half ten at night, and then I can just get a piece for the people's autograph action. Without having to do anything. It's like a special guest. It's like being a supply teacher. So, you know, me and Bill Bailey, me and whoever it is,

Michael, maybe Dan, Maggie Smith. That would be good. Yeah. I like that. And you could just, what I like is you're just coming on at the end for the applause. Yeah, it looks like I'm just passing. Obviously, with Bill Bailey, I was just passing, but that can be manufactured if necessary. Exactly.

How long do you wait? Do you wait for someone to call out for you, or do you just sort of hang around? Well, on the night, see, I went over to say hello to him. I did that thing of saying, is that Bill Bailey off the telly? I thought you'll look up and know the voice. He didn't. So Bill Bailey, he's never quite there, Bill Bailey. You know what I mean? He's a slightly spaced-out kind of a character. Yeah.

So I thought, and people started to recognise me, but not quite as quickly as I wanted them to. Oh, you were that famous friend stood next door. What were you doing then? Were you just talking loudly in Birmingham accents? Well, I was a famous friend in a way that Kenny Lynch used to be a famous friend to Jimmy Tarbuck. You know what I mean? I wasn't quite as...

I felt they weren't as excited to see me. I was a supplement, is what I was. I was an addendum. Okay. So, yeah, is what I was. I was an addendum. OK. So, yeah, so I might start. I had to... Oh, I don't know if I should tell you this. That definitely means you should tell us.

No, it's difficult because I had a terrible incident outside a stage door. I was doing a play at what is now the Trafalgar Studios, what was then the Whitehall Theatre, home of the Whitehall Fast, with Sir Brian Ricks, who, as you may know, I had a large argument with Tony Blair about. Yeah. He said he was dead and Tony Blair said, no, Frank. Yeah, and Tony Blair was right on that, I must say.

You know, he did say he'd be dead in 45 minutes and he'd put the whole thing in a dossier. So, he... Was that the drummer with the monkeys? When I was in this play, I used to get picked up every night outside by a driver who'd drive me home, right? So, I got outside one night, and now this guy, we used to talk. He was a West Indian guy. Yeah. With the proper West Indian accent.

And, like, you never hear anymore apart from, as I was saying earlier, Michael Holden on that sort of, you know... Oh, the cricketing guy. Yeah, that was a really bad delivery. That kind of fabulous deep. Anyway, so he was... And he always wore a lot of gold and that. He was a cool dude. Yeah. Anyway, i'm losing my nerve now about this story i got out one night and the

car was there but he wasn't there well it was a bit i'd been inside for a while i'll come out a bit late so i thought oh no so i had a walk i thought maybe he's gone and walked up for a smoke or something i walked up the up the road i couldn't find him. It was a real dingy, dark, little side alley kind of play. And I thought, oh, this is really annoying. So I phoned up the phone company and I said, look, I don't know where he is. The car's here, but I can't find him anywhere. You know, I want to go home, I'm tired.

You know, I really played the starry thing. So they said, OK, we'll phone him up. So they phoned. While they were phoning up, I went out, I had another walk down, and it turned out he was in the car asleep. Was he slumped, drunk? No, but because it was very dark, and he was very dark, I couldn't actually see him.

So, I know, I I mean I felt terrible he was lying up flat but he wasn't hidden in any way so um I bet you still admonished him so the phone no because he said to me oh I don't get that he says uh it says that you phoned up and said I wasn't in the car oh man it was I I tried the mock faint. You didn't even notice. So I felt like I'd done something really wrong. Just telling that now has got... You know, when you go into cringe mode, my shoulders have slightly come forward a bit,

and I've gone foetal. It suits you, though. You wear it well. Yeah, I've always thought foetal was my position. You found your look. It's strong. Yeah. You wear it well. Yeah, I've always thought fatal was my position. You found your look. It's strong. Yeah. Not everyone really ever finds that. What am I doing?

Oh, I'd better do this. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Show me. I can never resist it.

That's, um, mews. Mews. That's horrible. I said my throat a bit. I shouldn't have done that. With uprising. That's what happened there. Um.

Frank, we've had, um. Oh, sorry. I don't. See, never say mews in a high voice. We've had a text in. We've had a text in, an email in, actually. What, on 8-12-15? Yes, on 8-12-15, and this is from Rachel Moffat. And this is a little bit of a Lonely Hearts thing going on here, Frank.

You could be bringing... See what music we've got for this. No! Unless you were setting Charles Hawtry up with Hattie Jake, that's not going to work. I think you'll find Charles Hortry was a homosexual. Nevertheless! Well, everyone's turning this morning.

You and Stuart Broad. Yeah. Fingers being run down strange chests. Well, that's all right. So, listen, do you want to hear about Rachel Moffat? Of course I do. Last Saturday night, says Rachel, I was on the last train from Waterloo to Windsor.

She's not going to say she sat on a toffee, is she? She's talking about some elaborate hoax. So what was she on a train? She was on a train coming back from a night out at the theatre with her parents when a tall, dark, handsome stranger sat down next to me. He started talking to my mother. Oh, you shouldn't talk to strangers. Asking her if she enjoyed

War Horse. She was holding the programme. We ended up talking all the way back to Windsor. He was lovely. He works in Harrow and to be honest I was really bowled over by him and got quite tongue tied. Anyway, she really wants to try and get hold of this guy and meet him again. She says, My name is Rachel. I was the cute girl.

I'm in my early 40s. But he told us he was 42, so I don't feel too bad. With red glasses and a brown bob, who admitted to go and see Meatloaf this week. Would he like to see me? Can you help by reading this out? Love, Rachel. Well, does she mean Meatloaf the band?

Well, I hope so. Or was it some sort of exhibition of Meatloaf that she went to? So is he going to remember this? This tall dark man gets on a train. You don't have that many conversations about War Horse, do you? You'll probably have three my whole life. Waterloo to Windsor. I'm liking that. If this did build into

a massive love affair. I'd be amazing. Or even if they met and it resulted in some terrible murder. As a film title, Waterloo to Windsor is good, isn't it? I'm liking that. Or if it doesn't work out between them, I think he sounds quite nice. I'm just saying. Oh, come on.

You're not going to jump. Give Rachel first dibs. Oh, it says the autograph stealer. Yeah, well, anyway. So, yes, well, if you're listening, mate, you're 42 and tall and handsome and good-looking. Rachel sounds lovely. How's she going to get in touch?

Through us, Frank. That's the point. Okay, I thought you were going to read a number out. No. So, there you go. That's our lonely heart section. Aye, aye, aye. What else?

I want to tell you, I made an error. I want to tell you I made an error. I can only put it down as an error. I bought a small gift. I don't buy presents, as you may recall. Yeah, we noticed. OK, so... I mean, it's not at all Christmassy here, though, is it? Absolute.

Where's the tree? No tree. They're cutting back. No tree, no trimmings. Cutbacks. Yeah, it could be that, actually. I think they've peeled off the wallpaper to sell it. There's a tiny bit of absolute purple.

Oh, that's true. I don't know if you know the logo, but purple is the big colour here. It's basically Absolute Radio and the Pope. It's like a purple... That stick with purple as a main thing. It's a purple tinsel. It's sort of like a feather boa. I think that might have even left over from a Ben Jones lap dance.

What? You can't possibly say it. You mean him doing it all the time? Well, it might have happened, yeah. Can we say that Ben Jones, the happily married man, would never do such a thing? He's not in this morning, either. So there.

Who's replacing Ben Jones? Lucio. Lucio will be on after. Someone to look forward to. OK. Yeah, anyway, so I thought I'd buy a present for a friend's daughter. And I was sure in my mind that she was eight. I had it in my... She's eight.

So I bought her Chris Kress's Secret Seed Club, which is a little book with some pictures of Chris Kress, who is essentially Kress. He consists of Kress, who is essentially Kress. He consists of Kress. Yeah. You know. And, you know Kress, that used to get in a tribe. Yes, I do.

I just don't think he's a very nice hero for a book. Well, he's nice. I wouldn't call him a hero. I'd call him a protagonist. Anyway, Chris Kress is a member of the Secret Seed Club, and the book comes with a collection of seeds wait if this seed club is a secret the fact he's called chris kress gives some of the secret away i think he's losing his son what sort of seeds are involved with this guy no but the idea the whole club is a secret if you met chris kress on a train on your way from waterloo to windsor i mean you'd notice because A he'd be in a sort of cheap dark plastic tray

and also he'd have those black bits in that Cress always had which I've never completely identified Also Frank, a lot of dirt on the bottom of his shoes, a lot of dirt earthy and anyway so I bought this for the

eight year old daughter, I thought that'd be lovely because she'll be able to read the book, look at the pictures, and also plant the seeds. Oh, it comes with seeds? Yeah, it comes with a packet of seeds. I mean, how often? It's like, say if I bought... What if you could buy... Say if, Emily, I bought you Mary Shelley's Frankenstein

and there was actually some body parts and maybe some sort of electrical rig and you could set up, you know, you could reanimate a corpse. I'd love it. It's that on a smaller version. Anyway, it turns out she was 12. She's not going to like Chris

Cress. No, she wasn't. Her Cress days are over. No, she's, you know. Apparently, so her mum said, she wears a bra on her, for God's sake. She's not going to like Chris Kress then. Well, not unless she grows Kress in it. She could hang it. You could have a double helping.

If you split Chris Kress, you could have one in each cup hanging up somewhere ornamental. Anyway, I felt she was a bit affronted that I'd got her age mixed up. So anyway, what I'm... She just thinks you're a bit of a loser. She's not affronted. Well, it didn't go very well. I thought, you know, the years, it's only four years, but you know, from

eight to twelve is a big move. I'm glad you're aware of that. Yeah, so what we thought is we could maybe have her texting on 8-12-15 about inappropriate presents that you've received. Or given.

Or given? Yeah. Or gibbons. Exactly. If anyone's ever given you an inappropriate gibbon, because a normal, relaxed gibbon can be a lovely thing to cradle. I find that the red bomb will just sit into the palm. But sometimes the inappropriate gibbons, those ones that are buck-teethed and hostile,

who wants one of them in the house? I had to kill one by shutting its neck in a door once. I'm not proud of that. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, a couple of very exciting things happened whilst you were playing that song. Firstly, I discovered a cricketer that's rather hot called Mitchell Johnson. Oh, please don't like Mitchell Johnson.

I can't help it. No, he's the scourge of the team at the moment. Oh, well, I'm sorry. He plays for the other side. He fills my needs. He does. He bats for the other side. We've also had a text in. By the way, England are 39 for 2, for those of you who care.

Oh, Mitchell. We also had a text in on 8.12.15 from Amanda in Australia, saying, is it cold? Frank has got more clothes on than a man who lives on the streets. Betty has his thermals on too. Come on, Frank, spill. I like the idea of a man who lives on the streets. There are no homeless in Australia.

They have to come up with some sort of description. You know, like a man who lives on the street. There are no homeless in Australia. They have to come up with some sort of description. You know, like a man who lives on the street. Well, yes, I have got a lot of clothes on. It's, you know, it's not that cold, actually. I think I might have a bit of a something. Do you know what I'm saying? We also had a text in from Mick in Greenford about an inappropriate gift. Hi, Frank.

A few years ago, one of my aunties gave me a blank VHS videotape for Christmas. I used to get them. I used to get them, definitely. Well, you know what? That's like a book token, isn't it? What? So you can choose. You can choose the ultimate content.

He does say a few years ago, though, by which point I think videos would have been phased out, largely. I miss the old fiver in the card, the pound note in the car oh i love that me and my sister used to do we used to go that with a letter opener we had letter openers in our house we tear across it wiggle it nothing came out in the bin you're joking no i'm not you didn't take the cards out we want the hard cash oh that's so bad anyway um yes matt cardle

no i don't know i haven't seen this referred to anywhere, but I was watching the X Factor final, and after Matt Cardle won, it was just going to get to one of the bits where they do an interview or he does a song or something. So I think Dermot was centre stage. In the background, you could see Matt Cardle, and what he did, he was talking to someone in the audience,

and he held his tongue between his thumb and forefinger. Held his tongue aggressively. And then he pointed at them in a kind of a... Did he? Hold your tongue. And honestly, you could see the sort of Essex gangster in him immediately. He looked like a really scary, violent, aggressive, unpleasant man. Oh, dear. You've gone right off him.

I know, yeah. I mean, what else could that mean, hold your tongue, you know? Well, there was also some whispering going on with One Direction, which we won't go into at this time of the morning, but it wasn't very seemly. Anyway, so... Yeah, Matt, I suppose there might have been a pretty girl and he might have said, you know,

afterwards I'm going to hold your tongue by the forefinger and thumb and raise it slightly and just lick that, you know, that piece of skin that keeps the tongue joined to the bottom of the mouth. He might say, I'm just going to lick that and see if I can get some sort of sound out of it. Like if you were clocking a string on a double bass, it might have been... But, I mean, it's a lot to get into a gesture.

I think he was being unpleasant. So I'm not... I don't like, I don't warm to him, Frank, anyway, that cardle. He also said

something about his book's coming out. His book? Yeah, that's what they're doing. They don't just get a single, they get a book.

I read an extract of it in a paper. Good? No, Frank was just saying good. No, I want your critique. thought um he held back on some details i don't think it was as in-depth as i would have liked no perhaps he just has nothing to say no that's true well and also i didn't i didn't like that bit on the you know the sort of strange people gala they have when the sort of people talent no no but you know the trouble oh

yes and they have all the sex workers in the mentally i'm well coming out yeah the trouble people and uh and they all come out and done no this is unexpected they have a little special they have a sort of i've nearly said it they have a strange people gala when that happens. Strange people. It's like, are you aware of the Marat Saad? Oh, yes. When the Marquis de Saad used the inmates of an asylum to stage the death of Marat, right? Which is a play, obviously. It was like that.

If the Elephant Man was alive today, I honestly think he'd be a regular on The X Factor. It's gone that way. Do you know what I'm saying? I am always surprised by how good that bit is. I think, oh, they were good in that. Not as better than they were in the auditions. You'd have been first in the queue

when the Elephant Man roadshow came to town. You'd have been their bearded lady and all that. No, I didn't like that. I just think also that Matt Cardle, he looks like he works in a garden centre with that cap and beard. I can't bear him. Yeah, he tells people he works at a garden centre to explain the soil on his shoes first thing in the morning.

OK? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. Go on. All Shane Warne in the commentary box talking of go on. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Go on. All Shane Warne in the commentary box talking of go on. Yeah, exactly.

So, more of that. Cricket, cricket, cricket. Is it all we talk about? Sorry, it's on the telly. Yeah, sorry. Frank, there's a text in from Rachel about an inappropriate gift. Always had an inkling my step-grandmother didn't like me. This was confirmed. One ex-wife, she bought me a two-litre

bottle of cider. I was seven months pregnant. Oh, wow. I suppose it'll keep, though. It could wet the baby's head with a two gallon. Two gallon? Two litre. Oh, two litre, yeah. Two gallon bottle of cider. That was your family.

How dare you say that. And then they'd have put coins in it after on the pub bar. So, anyway, Ethan update time. Ethan. We need an Ethan update jingle. Oh, yeah. Hold on, I'll see if I can put one together. Ethan update, Ethan update, Ethan update, yeah.

Sounds like very bad Ringo Starr song. Didn't quite like the timing. Creepy like a creepy Christmas elf. No, you're all right. Yeah. Creepy Christmas elf. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Creepy Christmas elf.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. He's playing with himself. Ah! It's disgusting. Creepy Christmas Owl Anyway So, yes Frank's album of improvised jingles will be coming out in the new year Yes, I'll be coming out in the new year

That's my resolution Go on, anyway, he's an update Ethan, by the way, is Garrett's child. Yes. He's not been well this week. He's been a bit poorly. Oh, he's often poorly. I anticipated this being an op, sort of children at Christmas type of section.

Yeah. It's all gone a bit Tiny Tim. No, it's not good. He's had congenital... Well, he's got a cough and the nursery said... Is he hooping? No, I don't think he's hooping. Oh, well, that's got a cough and the nursery said... Is he hooping? No, I don't think he's hooping. Oh, well, that's something.

But the nursery said he's got conjunctivitis and we need to take him to get looked at. So we took him to the doctors, which was a bit of an ordeal because Laura went to the loo and she said... Laura is Ethan's wife. No, not Ethan's wife. It's not Ethan's wife. She's Garrett's wife. I'll draw you a diagram. Sorry, I... Not that confident. It's contrary people. You, not Ethan's wife. Well, it's not Ethan's wife. She's Garrett's wife. I'll draw you a diagram.

Sorry, I... Not that country. It's country people. You never know what's going on. Garrett. No, it's this. Garrett's put together a small family tree. Very helpful.

Laura got very angry. Oh, she's your wife? Yes. Okay, carry on. We were in the doctor's and Laura went to the loo and she just said if they let you in just let them know

and I went in and she got locked out and they wouldn't let her in, they're terrible at our surgery anyway we got some cream I'm loving this so far they're terrible at our surgery we got some cream to put in his eyes and you got some cream to put in his eyes. You've got some cream to put in his eyes?

Put special cream in his eyes. That sounds cruel. Well, they said you can get drops or cream, and she said the cream would be easier. I don't think so. I think drops would be easier. Of course. So putting, like, he's 18 months.

He's 18 months old, and he does not like it. It is quite an ordeal. Who likes cream in their eyes? No, no one. Who's that bloke who just raised his hand in the next room? That was Al Murray. He doesn't like cream in his eyes. Maybe half is Bristol cream.

To put the cream in, I have to put him on the floor, sit on him, pin down his arms, because otherwise he'll hold on. Is this some story you've come up with because social services made a prompt to a visit. You had to explain why you were kneeling on your 18-month-old son's chest. Yeah, I don't believe any...

Putting cream in his eyes. I don't believe you. It's true, and then prize open his eyelids. Oh, goodness. Not in a match. Yeah? That's not a good idea. Because then you could keep them open.

Sorry, it's your doctor from 1973. And then he had to bleed him with leeches. He's been saying some parody. He said, no, daddy, no. I hate it when they say that. Not something you ever want to hear. No, that's terrible. It reminds me of when I had to do Shep's anal glands.

That's a true story. That's not the tapeworm. Don't tell me the tapeworm story makes people sick. Okay, I won't tell you that. It doesn't really work. Without the mime, it doesn't really work. And after I've done the first eye, he says, All done.

All done. Oh, we're trying to get away with one eye. Oh, that's even worse. Oh, the poignancy of the scene. Yeah. Was there a little one-bar heater as well? Is there a happy ending to this? No, no.

There's no happy ending. I think it's a bit better. His conjunctivitis has gone. Yeah. Laura did it while he was asleep. It's a good idea, isn't it? Well, I enjoyed it. I don't know.

I think it had a bit of everything, you know. A bit of 18th century medicine. Family life. Christmas pathos. Yeah, Christmas pathos. My favourite musketeer. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest minty show in town.

Sponsored by Trevo Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215. Oh, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, we have to do all the paperwork. Oh, no, we're not starting again. Calm down. You can text us on 8.12.15.

And our guest today is Al Murray, which is fabulous news. And he'll be along. He's a proper friend of the show. He is. I mean, he's presented. He sat in this very... Did he sit in this chair? Oh, look, I don't want to go through.

That's very male of you to say what happened exactly. Did he sit in my chair? Oh, God, that was loud. I had a sign that said too loud there. I moved away slightly. People at home. Did you? I what happened exactly. Did he sit in my chair? Oh God, that was loud. I had a sign that said too loud there. I moved away slightly. People at home. Did you? I did my best. Well, there'll be bleeding ears. Let's just say we had a special relationship with Al and leave

it at that. Yeah, like Clinton and Blair. Lovely. So, I had a bit of an incident actually this week, Frank. Well, I've always got some sort of an incident as you know, as you well know. I don't think a week's ever passed when you haven't had an incident. But this was a social situation, which was a little bit awkward, as the youth say.

Can I eat a banana while you're... It's a little bit rude, but I'll let it go. Well, a banana is always a little bit rude. I'm doing the Dave Gorman thing of opening, not the end with the handle on. You know, they put the sticky out, but the other bit, much better. There you go.

That was me. That sound effect, in case you could hear it, was, carry on. Al wouldn't do that. So anyway, what are you doing now, Gareth? Sorry, I dropped some chocolate money, rappers. Oh, my God, I feel like Kindergarten Cop with you two. Right, do you want to hear my story?

Yes. So, this girl, it was an in-style, it was at a work do. She didn't actually work for in-style. She was in the sort of publishing empire. Emily, by the way, is the deputy editor. Are you an editor or an editress? Deputy editor. So, but I know her. You know, I've known her over the last year.

I've said hello and I've seen her in the corridor, etc. Anyway, we're talking and she suddenly says, well, that's it, Lindsay. I went, oh, my God, she's called me Lindsay. She's talking to you? Yes. No, she's talking to Lindsay Wagner. Oh, Robber Lindsay might be there.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't call him by his surname. He's a respected actor. I imagine he'd throw a bit of a hissy fit if you called him Lindsay. He seems the type. So then, Frank, I had the awful thing of kept trying to drop my name in because I thought, oh, no, she wasn't biting. She kept going, hi, Lindsay. How did you drop your name in, incidentally?

I just kept saying, well, and they said Emily. They said Emily. Did you really? I'd like to. I'd very much like to see that in action. But the thing is, now, I'm Lindsay. I've accepted that that's my name. So what am I going to do? No, that is...

No idea, Lindsay. Shall we go with it all the time? Just call her... Did you consider saying... That's not my saying uh at any point no because she didn't call me mary jolisa unfortunately it's a pity she didn't call you that but it got ugly yeah well it's um but correct me if i'm wrong um are you not related in some way to lindsey de paul the 70s, she's my godmother, that's true. You don't think that she's picked up...

You've picked up some of her mannerisms, and subliminally, you haven't got a large beauty spot, I feel, that I don't know about, that you cover up. No, but I might have some other mannerisms of hers. Frank, I need to say something to you, actually, because I've had a text in which I really want to... You have to hear this, because you'll love it. It's about the fall.

It's from Catherine, who's in Australia. Dear Frank, I've become a fall fan because of your show. I thought that because I live in Australia, I would never be able to experience them live. However, last night, I think this might have been last week, they played their first show in Melbourne for 20 years, which is my entire lifetime, and I was lucky enough to witness one of the greatest gigs I've ever seen.

Thank you, Frank, for introducing me to the genius that is Marky Smith. Love, Catherine. I'm actually getting tingly about that. Thank you for that. I didn't think there'd be much good news from Australia this morning, but that is 51 for 2. That is brilliant. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Al Mori has joined us in the studio. Morning. I don't think it's too early to say Merry Christmas. No, it isn't. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas! I feel like walking around London shouting that.

I wish you would. Or handing out pennies. Yeah. You were last night, I hear. Oh, my God, last night, yeah. Why? I fell over in the street in the snow. With proper cartoon legs, I did that.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Bam, on my bum. I felt my elbow, actually. I noticed this when I woke up with a tender elbow. You landed on your bum and you were out. Yeah. You don't know you're from Europe.

So, was it alcohol-based or ice-based? It was a lethal cocktail of ice and booze. At least it takes the sting out of it. Yeah, it did. It didn't hurt at the time. It was just sort of shocking. And I was on the phone talking to someone. I went, you know, plonk.

Well, that would explain the elbow. Yeah. Because you'd have had it cocked. Yes, I did. My elbow was, yeah, was cocked. Yeah. But I said, oh, I've just fallen over, by the way. Oh, did you? Yeah, I just carried on talking was, yeah, it was cocked. Yeah, but I said, oh, I've just fallen over, by the way. Oh, did you?

Yeah, I just carried on talking while... You cool dude. Yeah. I'm loving it. I've just fallen over. I can't remember the last time. Oh, I fell over on the south bank. Fell down some steps.

Ooh. But how many? That's a long staircase. No, no, it's only about four steps. But this is absolutely true. Someone phoned me a couple of days later and said, I heard you fell over, are you alright? And I thought, I am of that age now.

I'm not going to keep on. Anyway, so you're alright now with the bad weather, because I've watched you recently driving around Germany in terrible weather. In Deutschland, yeah, in February, yeah. Well, that was filming the German thing. They had the worst winter they'd had in 25 years when we were there.

And a foot and a half of snow would fall every night. Was there not a panic when you got there? Because some of the driving you do is on roads, and I think, don't look that safe. No, the first couple of days were quite hairy. When we were up in Hamburg and a place called Heiligendamm on the Baltic coast, That was pretty scary, actually. But to be honest, after the first couple of days, there wasn't a problem at all.

And they never ran out of grit or any of those things. In fact, we were in Leipzig two weeks into the trip, and some minister ended up on the TV saying, there's loads of grit left, don't buy it. I mean, like that, obviously. And so, yeah, the country didn't go into a halt or anything it's quite interesting and this is we're talking about al mori's german adventure which is obviously with no point in plugging it now no it's been on you could watch

it on bbc i play can i say in all sincerity i absolutely loved it oh thank you it was brilliant thank you very much and uh as as you so rightly, it's not often anyone really sings the praises of Germany, but it's brilliant and funny and interesting. I'll tell you what was interesting. You really were rat-tat-tatting out the information. Yeah. I felt like you'd got more information than

you had time for. Oh no, that was absolutely true. We had to cram so much into it to try and make the point of the place is enormous and has loads going on in it and always has done. We had to really cram stuff in. Some of the pieces of the camera, I was talking

probably as fast as I could and bunging all the information. But it was great Max, I really felt like I was being informed. Oh good. In a big way. That's a relief. There was one major disappointment for me. It was very near. The bit in the spa. No, no, I thought you looked quite well. Does Al get his bits out?

No, yeah, it was really, really funny. We went to the spa in cold. The male crew had to be naked as well, and it was really funny. Really? Yeah. Who made that rule? The female producer. Well, funny enough, the director, she'd call action i'd come around

the corner and i'd see her call action and then she put a clip clipboard over her face it was so sweet i'd go action and i'd come around the corner she'd be she'd be hiding god bless her no i didn't mean that bit all right well in fact i might i might do one of those teasers and tell you which bit after this oh Oh. What about that for a bit of a professional radio? Have I been drinking out of Ben Jones's mug? Ben Jones! We only have this excellent. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Now, the thing that I was upset about in the German show was that I noticed you went for the luggage with wheels. And one of my pet hates is the suitcase with the wheels. Really? A big man like you, you can carry a nice big suitcase. Look, there's no need to, though, Frank. Now the wheel has been invented.

But those people... They hung around for quite a while before they put them on a suitcase. Yeah, well, yes, but now it's happened. You can't... You're trying to uninvent the wheeled suitcase. I'd love to do that. Really? Yeah.

Is that it? So you hop in a time machine and the bloke is about to make the breakthrough, you nudge him in front of a tube train to make sure it doesn't happen. Yeah, so I'm taking... Well, that's if we have tube trains. I haven't decided yet.

I might nip that as well. But, that's if we have tube trains. I haven't decided yet. I might nip that as well. But, yeah, if I went back and they said you can change any one thing, that's what it would be. The wheeled suitcase. Why don't you like them? I don't want to kill another human being, even Hitler. Unless I got there and he had some evil right-wing plans in a wheeled suitcase. I'd have to take him right out.

You've got that wrong. They're very chic because models use them. I tell you what they do. People forget they've got them and they walk across your path and they forget they've got this trailing luggage. The ones I have, yes, I do have a wheeled suitcase. I saw it. But the one I haven't got is the one that has the free-flowing coasters

that if you stand on a slope, just goes off on its own. Oh, I haven't seen that. Yeah, yeah, and they're, you know... Because I tend to stand and forget about my luggage and it would just roll downhill. You might want to watch that at international airports. Yeah, exactly, yeah. You could have some sort of thing on it

so it homed in to lost property, if you left it anywhere, before someone put it in a bucket of water. I'm just thinking. Now, Ali is obviously on to plug some product, but during that song he actually plugged some product that no one expected. Regular listeners will know that I did a show with Barry Norman last week, and the film critic extraordinaire,

and he told me that he had his own rain to pickled onions, which I've never tried, but Al... They are fantastic. Yeah. That's going to be on the jar. They are just the most amazing pickled onions ever. A picture of you with probably your face superimposed on a pickled onion. I'll take it.

I'll take that, yeah. They are so delicious. And they're crunchy and they're pickly. He told me the recipe had been in the family since the 19th century. Like vinegar and onions. No, look, oh, look. Wait, wait, wait. We're going to have to get a jar. We're going to have to get a jar and do a crunchy on air.

I imagine you're doing a sort of Buster Blood vessel, eat them all and drink the vinegar type of thing. I don't do that, no. Do you not? Imagine that if you will. I think of you as a very male. Although you're highly educated, I think you're one of the most male people I know.

He's a bit of a caveman, as Liz Hurley said to Shane. Yes, yes, he's got that allure, the caveman allure. What, really? The caveman with the degree in history. It's perfect. Oh, yeah. I'm so not a caveman. When was the wheel invented?

No one knows. Ah, well, see? I'm prepared to say I don't know was the wheel invented? No one knows. Ah, well. See? I'm prepared to say I don't know. Did you have that week off? Yeah. It's not my period. So, look, you have a quiz book and a quiz DVD.

Well, no, there's the live DVD of the touring show I've just done, and then the quiz book is the Pub Landlord's Great British Quiz Book. But there is an interactive type technological... Well, yeah, no, there's an iPad app, I think. But we did a show in Edinburgh that was the quiz. I did a show in Edinburgh this year just to do

something different, and with a frozen chicken to the win. I think... I win. Divine Miss M joined us. I did, yeah. Did you win? How did we do Desiree Common? We didn't win. We came... We were placed, though, somewhere. Did you win? How did we do Desiree O'Connor? We didn't win. We were placed, though, somewhere. Yeah, well, everyone was placed. That's how it worked.

The losing team were jeered at and everything. And you actually gave away a frozen chicken. Frozen chicken to the winner, sausages to the runners-up. Because it was Scotland, it was a loaf of sausage meat, which is just fantastic. Oh, cool. 14 slices. Yeah, my team won that.

Yeah, you did, didn't you? Yeah, that's right. Did you go as well? Yeah. I didn't know you got tickets. Oh, of course. 14 slices. Yeah, my team won that. Yeah, you did, didn't you? Yeah, that's right. Did you go as well? Yeah. I didn't know you got tickets. Oh, OK. Sorry, Al, I thought you'd just invited me. So the whole thing's profoundly meat-based.

Yeah, well, yeah, you know, because I like it that the prize was essentially not brilliant and that people were playing for glory. Well, my brother used to do a lot of angling, and he used to win a great many electric blankets. It seemed to me. He could have done the whole garden over in the cold weather if we could have had over-soil heating.

No, that was the default prize if you won an angling competition. We might bung that in, because we're taking it back to Edinburgh. We're going to do it again in Edinburgh next year, but it's going to be a Christmas special every day, because we like Christmas. And I'm going to make Mark, who I work with, dressed as an elf. Yeah, brilliant. Creepy little elf he can be.

He's a great big oversized elf. This is old Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Al Murray is with us today. Now, let me get this clear, Al. You have a quiz book out. Yes, there's a book, a quiz book, and an app for the quiz book,

and then there's a live DVD of the show I've just toured. I've just finished touring. And that's Barrel of... That's Barrel of Fun. Yes. Yeah. And that is The Pub Landlord. Yes, The Pub Landlord doing his thing.

Now, when you speak of the pub landlord, because I saw Barry Humphreys interviewed the other day, and he spoke about Dame Edna absolutely in the third person. Yeah, he does that. As if it was a different person he didn't know that well. Yeah, but apparently when you work with him, he comes back down as Dame Edna. And you have to say, well, we talked to Mr Humphreys earlier about what we were going to do,

what you were going to do. And he does it completely rigidly like that as well. He's taken it that whole extra level. I wonder what he'd do if you challenged that. If he had the Dame Edna and you said, so Barry, what? He'd ignore you. Apparently he ignores you. It's brilliant.

I think it's really good. But I'm nowhere near that disciplined. So sometimes I say, well, I say this, or I say he says that. I get confused. But do you have a version now? Do you know when you're him? Oh, yeah, yeah. Is it the maroon blazer when that goes on?

It's the blazer, it's the jewellery, actually, when the jewellery goes on. And I haven't worn it lately, but I normally end up with these green marks on my fingers from the cheap jewellery. The cheapness of the jewels. The stuff coming off. The green, whatever it is. the zinc or something see al actually wears a pinky ring which is very posh because he's very posh isn't it yeah but it said in laverne and shirley that it never trust a man in a pinky ring really yeah oh that's where i take my philosophy the greatest philosophers of the church. You can keep your nature. Yeah, that's what they said.

Don't quote me on that. So, as I mentioned, you're an Oxford graduate. Yes. Now, you know, I've always imagined that being at Oxford would be a really fabulous thing. I imagine it's just learning and people being clever and bright and like a special secret world of knowledge. Have I built it up to some degree? Well, it was if you wanted it to be. When I went, you didn't have to go to anything if you didn't want to.

It was literally you could take exactly what you wanted from it. So I didn't go to any lectures for like a year. No. Because you didn't have to. There was no... And we had one tutorial a week and he'd give you a reading list and then you'd just be set off. No teaching, nothing.

So it kind of was if you wanted it to be, but it also wasn't if you didn't. Were you working, meanwhile, or were you just swanning around? To be honest, I did a fair deal of swanning, eating crisps, watching Neighbours. But it was an amazing place, because it was full of really, really, really clever people.

Yeah. And really, incredibly clever people. And you'd sort of think... They were quite clever, weren't they? Yeah, and you'd sort of think, God, blimey, these people are really clever. Well, you know, but that wouldn't lead you to think, so I must be too. You'd think, these people are really, really smart. Wow.

And that was stimulating. But to be honest, I'd been at boarding school for like nine, really smart. Wow. And that was stimulating but to be honest, I've been at boarding school for like 9, 10 years and I was kind of done with being made to study. So I went a bit mental the first year. It was good fun though. And I met Stuart Lee was there and Richard Herring and

Amanda Iannucci was just finishing up there and so there was a whole bunch of really amazing comedy people. Which is how I got into being a stand-up. But you did work hard, eventually. For any young children who are listening. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Al Mori's not saying don't work hard at your studies.

No, well, I worked terribly hard to get there. That was the other thing, is I worked really hard to get in. And then once I was in, I thought, well, you know, they're not going to kick me out, are they? But they do, don't they? They do, yes. But they didn't, did they? No, they didn't. No, no, I stayed the course.

But the thing is, is the dons there were really, you know, the tutors were really otherworldly. And some of them were brilliant at teaching and some of them simply weren't. The one guy had a room at the top of a church tower. Our college library was a church that had been converted. And he had an office at the top in what would have been the belfry, in a sort of high-ceiling room which was lined with books. How brilliant. And he had an office at the top in what would have been the belfry, in a sort of high-ceiling room which was lined with books. Oh, brilliant.

And it was really brilliant. You'd go up a spiral staircase, but he'd do his two tours at eight o'clock on a Saturday morning. Did he ever hump back? Huh? Did he ever hump back? He should have done.

He did have an extravagant comb-over, which I think was an equivalent. What a great person. But he'd do this thing, halfway through, you'd be reading an essay, and he'd stop you and go, I think I need to stop you there.

And he'd reach behind him and pull a book out from behind his back and go, fap, and open it on page 358, and read you this thing and go, had you not considered this factor? And you'd go, er, no. And he'd shut the book and put it back behind him. How brilliant. It's really brilliant. Didn't even look.

He came unstuck because he was a Cold War expert. He was an expert on the Iron Curtain and on East Germany and all that. And I was at uni in 1989 when the Berlin Wall came down. And he was writing a book about how the Eastern Berlin Wall, the Cold War, was good for another generation. The whole thing was going to stick around and never going to come apart. And then, of course, the Berlin Wall fell. And his light was on all night, every night.

He was rewriting this thing. apart and uh and then of course the berlin wall fell and his light was on all night every night and he's gone from being a current affairs expert to historian literally overnight it's brilliant it's really really fun trucks with tipex oh dear i'm loving the idea of the man living in the tower though it's a classic sort of ivory tail it was yeah it really was it really and it was one of those things you think come off it this is ridiculous you know uh this can't possibly be real and it really was happening and it makes in lots of ways it used to make defending oxford quite difficult because people go you know it's all la-di-da and it's all church towers and ancient buildings and privilege and mad professors you go nobody's and it isn't we're we're just normal students like everyone else yeah you find yourself in the belfry with this bloke.

I think you'll find me. Have you considered what was happening at the Chinese embassy at the time? You go, no! Oh, where is he? If you're listening, sir. Mr. H.P.P. Dunbabin. That was his name. What was his name?

Just come to me. H.P.P. Dunbabin. Dunbabin. Dunbabin. That's what his house is called. There's been a text in for Al just from Alexander Wright saying I loved Al Murray's German Adventure.

I lived in Hamburg for a year and they love the English to the extent that they sell Winston Churchill teabags. They do, yeah. Thank you. Are they shaped like him? Ask the historian. No, he's just on the box. He's on the box. It's been great as ever talking to you, Al. Ask the historian No, he's just on the box He's on the box Slight letdown Okay, well look

It's been great as ever Talking to you, Al It's always a pleasure I did have such fun Sitting in for you as well We I'm sure Absolute Could find you a space

Well I don't want to Hell burn you on the side, Frank No, no There are people here They're at the end of the plank Let's put it that way. How dare you?

No, I don't mean in here. I've been told. That's the word on the street. I'm not one to spread... I'm not one to gossip, as you may know. So that's this week's phone-in. Who should be removed

from absolute radio to make way for Al Murray? Well, they're flooding in. Don't tell me if it says me Okay Well anyway Yeah do Come and join us In our stable

I would love to That's a good Christmasy ending This is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Welcome to Frank Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Radio. Welcome to Frank... Frank Skinner. That's the week's radio.

What's that? Sounds like Marky Smith. Four wickets gone. Oh, it's that lovely Mitchell. Don't start. Frank, we had a text in from Pete in London. Hi, F, E and G. I normally listen to the podcast

and when you just went to the travel, it was a surreal experience. I didn't really believe you did the radio-y bits. Oh, well. Loving it, though. Yeah, that is my most radio-y bit, when I say, and now it's over to Sandy War,

Sandy War's probably listening to that going, oh, God, it's me again. No, no, it is, yes. That's my most professional bit. I might agree with that. I might agree with that moment when, you know, one of the royals goes down and I get to make the announcement.

That would be awful if you announced it. We haven't had a news... Do they still have newsflashes? Oh, yeah. Well, they don't. When did you last see a newsflash on the telly? Well, it was... Well, nothing much has happened recently, has it?

They don't do it anymore. I tell you, when I was a kid, it was a big thing, the newsflash. We interrupt this programme to bring you, when's the last time that happened? When you were a kid, the telly was a big thing. Well, no, it was a very small thing. We had a nine-inch, black and white. Or was that the West Highland Terrier we had?

Anyway. No, what happened to the newsflash? That's your homework for the Christmas period, our regular listeners. What on earth happened to the newsflash? Newsflash, we've interrupted. That's what happened to it, is that people can't speak anymore. But I should say, by the way, this is our last live show of 2010 and on Christmas Day, which is next Saturday,

it's a four hour best of show. Best of show. Which means it's the best of our show. For four hours. Four hours? Four hours of it, yeah. There'll be music and there'll be travel galore. Not that anyone really travels on

Christmas Day. So that'll be at 10 o'clock. Travellers do. But this is not the last helping of us you get. They do, they always travel. Travellers are always travelling places. They do. That's the thing about that. Always travelling.

Not the weekend podcast, which is our separate podcast from this show, will be available on Wednesday. So that'll be our last word on 2010. What about the creepy Christmas elf? I'm rather warming to him now. The creepy Christmas elf, I'm working on the video this afternoon.

I hope you don't get to the second verse then. No, it won't be shown on X Factor with me and Christine Aguilera. She seems to have become some sort of northern barmaid figure. Anyway, Lucio's on next.

And he's waiting outside now looking like a carol singer who can't think of what to sing. He's just standing outside our big window. He's sporting a fingerless. Is it? Yeah. Oh, he is. In a sort of fabulous, trendy Albert Steptoe kind of a way.

So Lucio is next. And can I say, as we draw, this is our last live show of the year, how much I love our listeners. I feel that we've sorted out now the chaff. We've done a fabulous edit. And the people who listen to this show and text us every week are so brilliant and funny and interesting. And thank you for loving the show.

And you've made it um very very marvelous so merry christmas and happy new year listen to the best ofs it'll jog your memory but um we seriously we love you very very very much and um good day to you you're listening to frank skinner on absolute radio with treeball softness a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio.