The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner, Guest: Alex Horne

Episode Date: January 30, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about Frank's week, involving a chicken outfit and some crisps.

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This is Absolute Radio. Maybe you arrived here deliberately, maybe it was an accident. Stick around, you might like it. I'm with Emily and Gareth this morning. Hi, Frank. Well, I'm with them every morning, to be honest. Not every morning. Well, not every radio morning.

I don't want to speak to the public about my normal mornings. They don't care about that. They think of me as living in this tiny studio. And in a way, I do. You can text us about anything you like. Anything. We won't necessarily read it out if it's, you know. No.

But on 8-12-15. Because we like this to be kind of a two-way street. You know what I'm talking about? And our guest this morning is Alex Horne. Oh, yeah, I went to see him in Edinburgh. I went to see his show. There was no funny business. No, no funny business.

I'm not going to that. Is that the review? He does a thing called the Horne section, which clearly is the show he's come up with because his name's Horne. He's learned to play a brass instrument. I didn't think it was a Charlie Sheen thing. No, but I, hasn't he, I'm leaving it.

Isn't that why the show happened? I love it when shows are just born from a pond. When they gave Dale Winton a chat show, it was only because it was called Winton Wonderland. There was no other reason that anyone would have given Dale Winton a, I There was no other reason that anyone would have given Dale Winton a...

I know the future is orange, but Winton Wonderland, it was so perfect. Was it in the winter? No, it was in the Winton. I don't think it was in the winter. They didn't take it that far. Because there's a part of Bournemouth called Winton where I live. I'm glad we found that out. It was not a wonderland.

It was all going so well you know when you turn down a road and you think oh no this this is this is a dead end oh yeah it is a dead end look i thought that was a left turn at the end but no that's just like a little parking bay it was like alex horn is very funny lots of funny business in his show i'm sure it's going to be funny i'll be a funny guest but i'm still saying he's only come up with that show because his name's horn just like dale winter if like Dale Winter if any of our listeners can think of any TV shows based purely on a

pond on the name of the host we'd love to hear from you on 8, 12, 15 I can't think of any more off the top of my head but there's plenty around have we heard from any of the public yet? I'm calling them the public this morning have you noticed that?

We did have a lovely message from Have we heard from any of the public yet? I'm calling on the public this morning, have you noticed that? Yes. We did have a lovely message from a regular texter, Steve. I like our regulars. Steve from the Village Bakery, Birchington, Kent. Good morning, everyone. Please give me a mention today. It's freezing cold and I've got no staff because they're all ill. That'll be the outbreak of the plague that happened in Birchington Kent recently.

Oh, God, I didn't know about that. We've had some birthday wishes as well for you, Frank. Oh, that's absolutely lovely. I'm trying to lead both you guys into the chicken email, but as you won't do it, I'm just going to talk about it anyway. God, you can take a horse to water, but not on this show.

Yes, yes, I was out in a chicken outfit. Let me explain. That was a tweet we got. You're absolutely right. We did get a tweet in from someone called Scotty8. What I need is some idiot cards.

You know those things they use where I'll say, mention that thing and then I'll talk about the chicken outfit. Too late, I'm talking about the chicken outfit now. Okay. Yes, I was on the streets of West London this week. Notting Hill.

Some of you will have heard of the movie, I'm sure. Dressed as a giant roast chicken in one hell of an outfit, can I say? I mean, chunky outfit. Heavy. At one point,

because I couldn't keep it on in between takes. Takes is what we, in the TV world, call that bit when you're being filmed. Hey! Like you didn't know. And? I... They were helping me off with it and it got stuck

and I couldn't breathe. I literally couldn't breathe. And I thought, oh, to die like this. To die in a roast chicken outfit. A corpse within a corpse. You know those meals when they put, like, they do a cow and then they put a sheep inside that and a goat inside that

and then eventually down to a wren, to a tiny wren. It would have been like that. I'd have had to have been buried in it. So was it made out of actual chicken or was it made of... Oh, no. It wasn't some Lady Gaga thing. No, no. No, it was... I don't know what it made out of actual chicken or was it made of... Oh, no. It wasn't some Lady Gaga thing.

No, no. No, it was... I don't know what it was made of. It was an old art department. It was a difficult thing. The director said to me, are you going to do the walk? I said, what do you mean? He said, you know, are you going to do the walk? I said, well, it's a roast chicken.

There is no roast chicken walk. He's not roasting his chickens properly. No. But what's that? Are they making a run for it? Sounds like they're done. Yeah. There was lots of conversations like that.

It was... So you were dressed as a chicken, Frank. Was everyone else dressed up as well? I should point out the context of this. Yes, you should. I was making a crisp advert with Gary Lineker. But before you condemn me, it's for comic

relief. Okay. So, for comic relief, you can basically, I could march into a North Yorkshire house and shoot four people today, and if I said I was sponsored by comic relief, everyone would applaud my behaviour. You can do anything. So,

that's what I did. I remember there was a terrible bit. I was walking down the road in this chicken outfit and a cab driver wound down his window, looked at me and said, it's not fantasy football, is it, Frank? In a terrible, like, it's come to this. How dare he? He was right, of course.

So were the other ones dressed up then? No, Jimmy Carr and Stephen Fry and Al Murray and Gary Lineker, all present. They were in the most elaborate costume. Stephen Fry wore an evening suit. Well, he always does. Yeah, I think he arrived in that. But I was the only one in anything resembling an outfit, and mine was, I had enough outfit for four. but I was the only one in anything resembling an outfit,

and mine was, I had enough outfit for four. It was enormous. You should have seen it. And towards the end of the day, they have the director on board, then they have what they call the creatives. Oh, yeah, they're like the advertising people. Young guys, very, very trendy from the advertising, and they throw out ideas.

Do they keep any? Or do they just throw them out? Well, no, they kept them. I threw them out. They passed them to me. They said to me, about seven hours into the shoot, do you think you could play it a bit more naturalistic? I want the chicken!

A man in a roast chicken outfit. You could go all method about it and, well, I'll need an oven. I'm really going to need an oven. I would need 20 minutes of basting. You know, the idea, I had to

storm into Stephen Fry's cafe. He doesn't have a cafe, but he did in the context of this. And we have a falling out about who's got the best crisps. Oh. It's pathetic. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The right stuff we were thinking was a possibility of a programme that only happened because there's a bloke called Right. And Tony Mbatsi has just texted in,

Frank, the Forsyth Saga, a great Brucey show. I don't remember. Is that a joke? No, but there could have been. You see, there could have been a thing called the Forsyth Saga. I don't know if he's joking about the Forsyth Saga. There was a spin off called that it's quite possible

I think it must be a joke no I think it's a joke if it's a joke I'm happy with it I think it's a joke but it's intrigued me now because I have an idea I have an image

of maybe Bruce doing a documentary about Saga a weekly thing oh yeah in which and then just before

you know that long series about death? I think it was the prequel to that. Are you looking it up? Yeah, I am. I'm having a little look. Well, I imagine Brucey was pitching it endlessly to all sorts of people who ever would listen. That sounds horrible. He got a Lifetime Achievement Award this week.

Never has a Lifetime Achievement award been left so late. Do you know what I mean? It's a game of chicken. He said he was retiring and then he said he was only joking. A game of chicken. I can't believe you brought that up. No, he did. That was a good thing when he said, what a great night to announce my retirement, but I'm not going to. What a rascal. As far as I can remember, I'm not going to. Heascal as far as i can remember i'm not going to he said anyway so yes i was meanwhile with steve prine the chicken suit back to a doctor yeah um enough now uh poor bruce enough um yeah chicken gate yeah let's call it that yeah so in case you've just tuned in yes i was walking the streets in a giant roast chicken outfit this week, doing a crisp advert for Comet Relief, and I was working with

as I say, Jimmy Carr, Al Murray, and Stephen Fry. Stephen Fry. I mean, I tell you what... There was a long pause after that. I tell you what with Stephen Fry, is I found myself talking at my very cleverest when I was talking to him.

I went as high as I could go. I was pushing the ceiling of my intellect. What sort of things were you breaking out? Well, I mean, for example, I started talking to him about... I quoted, not deliberately, actually, a line from a T.S. Eliot poem. If you're going to start to do something, there's a line that,

Let us go, then, you and I, which is a kind of a... Not Macavity, Macavity. No, no, I kept Macavity out of it. And he did the rest of the poem. Because a chicken has a cavity. Not in our house. Oh, he finished the poem, did he?

He finished the whole poem. And then I mentioned... It's a long one. Then somebody... It's quite long. I felt it. I never noticed how long it was. Thank God I didn't say in the beginning anyway so you'd still be on the New Testament now

somebody mentioned a thing about a mathematician and he talked about ten minutes, it's phenomenal there is nothing that he doesn't know about and I mean, we were doing, do you know there's a thing in the Daily Mirror called the quiz word? Have you ever seen it?

Oh, no. It's the most misplaced item in any national newspaper because it's in the Daily Mirror. The Daily Mirror, who this very day has got a pull-out supplement I have here called the world's worst serial killers. Not just a pull-out supplement on serial killers, but the world's worst.

They've actually... They've upped the ante on serial killing there are some serial killers there's some not very nice eyes on the front Frank yeah they've always got funny eyes horrible eyes serial killers but but it

as if serial killers aren't bad enough there's some serial killers that don't qualify for the mirror's pull out supplement because they're not horrible enough anyway that's the kind of thing the Mirror normally have. But there's a thing called the quiz word in the Mirror, which is the hardest general knowledge crossword I've ever done. It ought to be in, like, the Mensa journal or something like that,

but it's in the Daily Mirror. I don't know how that happens. And I've never managed to complete it. It's impossible. It's impossible to do. Because you have to know who opened the batting for Gloucestershire in 1972 and then the Latin name for a hawk moth. You have to know it all.

And we kept leaving it around because I was sharing a dressing room. I'd just leave it around with a pen by Stephen. I just wanted to see him go. But he never went for it. But he knew he was so clever so clever he even

like there was something wrong with the door on our Winnie Bagel he mended that he worked out out of the coffee I couldn't flush

the toilet he came in and flushed the toilet he's a quite mundane task site he doesn't have to use a toilet he knows how to

flush a toilet but this was a hidden grey trigger that I couldn't find for the life of me. So not only does he have the super intellectual... He knows how to find a hidden grey trigger. Does he? Well, that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking there's a real...

Now, I'm not saying that I believe in aliens on Earth, but if there are, if there's any truth in the alien thing, I think there's a fair chance that Stephen Fry is an alien. Wow. He's got quite a big head. I don't know if you've ever seen... You know, he's very charming and a lovely man, don't get me wrong, but that guy, the exeter in this island Earth,

the alien with the big head, he's very charming and friendly because, you know, he's preparing Earth for the invasion of his people from a dying planet so I think there's a real possibility I'm not saying, if they exist he's one, that's all I'm saying

because there was a bit we were talking about opera and I was getting all my opera facts as best I could, I mean I couldn't keep up with him and at one point he took me to one side, and he said, how long do we have to put up with these earthlings? That was a clue. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, you know we were talking about famous people whose shows make puns. We've had a text in. There was a kids' cookery show, Eggs and Baker, with Cheryl Baker from Bucks Fizz. That's Eamon from Kingsbury. Thanks for that. Cheryl Baker should have had a show called Cherry Bakewell, in which she baked. Cheryl Bakewell.

Cheryl Bakewell, yeah. And she could have just maybe had one breast out, powdered white. Oh, God. I'm just thinking about, I'm just trying to help these people get back on telly. Give me a bit of sympathy. Cheryl's listening.

She'll be on to the BBC first thing on Monday morning. I've had this so damn wrong. I wish I'd found one of my breasts actually plies. I got a back wound. Making my mind breasts actually fly. I go back on tour. Making my mind up. That's what the phone call would go like. She's got alopecia, it's a shame. She's got alopecia?

Yeah. That's all those years of Velcro miniskirts. That's a... Yeah, my... Sun and shock. I had a circus dog. Got alopecia from a Velcro miniskirt. Anyway.

Julia's also texted me. I'm not bringing Beppo up again. The news headlines. The news headlines. He wouldn't have got that job, right, if he hadn't offered him the pond. No. No joke. We've also had an email about

Celebrity Sheropody. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. When you mentioned your idea for the Celebrity Sheropody series, there was one name This has become a battle now between me and Sherry Bakewell But yeah, I had an idea that you could do a chat show in which I did

people's feet took hard skin off and stuff while interviewing Not necessarily me, could be anyone Really you want somebody with the name Foot in the title or David Soul could do it. Oh, yeah. It could be called Soul and Healed.

Healed, H-E-A-L-E-D. I mean, come on, that's a certainty. Write that down. Anyway. There was one name that came to mind immediately, and that was Sir Bill of Oddy. I remember seeing the full glory of his de-socked foot on an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? I remember seeing the full glory of his de-socked foot on an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? The sight of his square, yellowing talons, nub-like toes

and little hairy face made me do a bit of sick in my mouth. Oh! Who was that from? That was from Andy. Oh, well, thanks for that, Andy. I still think you could catch on, personally, but, you know, we're all different. Any other emails?

Yes, we've also had one from Paul Bristow. Paul Bristow, who used to work in an office, as portrayed by Frank Dickens, the cartoonist. I don't know who that is. OK, carry on. Won't be him, then. He said he was listening to the podcast of last weekend's show and thought he would share about how

he and his wife ended an argument. We were having a real shouting match which had been going on for over an hour and when my wife got to the point when... That's a long one. It is. To show how annoyed she was she decided to slam her hands in the pockets of the shorts she was wearing. She thrust her hands

down... Just for an hour to get to that point where she thrust her hands into her pockets hour to get to that point where she thrust her hands into her pockets a summer argument though yes or um maybe they were tight shorts and she knew it was going to be difficult okay um she thrust her hands down and her hands didn't stop at the normal pocket height she looked down and we both realized she was actually wearing her shorts back to front and that the pockets were now at the back. Thank God. I thought he was going to say that he realised he dislocated both her arms when he'd shaken her violently some 20 minutes before.

Thank God. That's turned out much nicer than I expected. And he said from that the title of Conflict Resolution Shorts was born. So now they associate those shorts with Conflict Resolution. Does that mean that those shorts are brought out mid-argument to calm things down? Yeah. What a lot. That's quite a good idea.

I like that. I love the whole idea of the domestic fun. I like. I've got, at the moment, some of our regulars may know this, but I live with my girlfriend. Oh, not married. And her sister is living with us as well. And so we have a lot of fun around the house,

the three of us. And the other day, I did Adrian Charles' show on Sunday night, and a man sent me two cardboard masks of me. And they were very realistic. They were just like colour photos of me. Now, that's the car.

And the two, my girlfriend and her sister put them on and sort of, the three of us sort of danced around the house, all as me. I hope someone was looking through the window. I hope so. I looked across at them now and suddenly, and this is absolutely serious, I suddenly became very sort of unnerved and disturbed.

I couldn't see them anymore. It was just two me's looking at me. That was this time. But that's the kind of household fun we go in for since the sisters moved in. I tell you, speaking of domestic jaipery, Speaking of Speaking of domestic jayfury I went out with Kath

to this sort of a health place and she told me what salad I said I'll get the salads It's the kind of guy I am and she said okay well this is what I want and she very very carefully told me which salad because you pick from a, very carefully told me which.

Because you're picked from a salad bar. She told me meticulously. She said, no, I don't like the other ones. Make sure you get it. I said, don't worry, I'll get it. So when I went there, I was with this other guy, and he got some different salads. And I said, give me your plate.

Give me your plate, and I'll take that back and pretend I got all the wrong salads. So I put it down. And then it's that moment. It's how far do you let them go? Give me your plate and I'll take that back and pretend I got all the wrong salads. So I put it down. And then it's that moment. It's how far do you let them go, your opponents in arguments, before you tell them it's a joke. I thought, how angry shall I let her get?

Shall we actually split up? Shall I wait till she's looking at flats on the internet? You could give it six months. Yeah, I could go out with other people. Not that I want to, can I make that absolutely clear? And it worked her treat. I just let her... At first she was going to not say anything, then she said, well, actually, it's not the right...

I said, no, that was what you said. She said, it's not what I said. It was, oh... That's what makes my life worthwhile, I'll be honest with you. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That was the magnificent PJ Harfie.

I noticed that the sort of DJs who see themselves as musos call her Polly Harfie. Not me. I was relieved when you said the Magnificent. I thought it was the Magnificent Men and Their Flying Machine, which I know is one of your favourites, Frank. Don't be ridiculous. Why would I say the Magnificent Men and Their Flying

Machines? We've been talking about TV shows. Actually, that film was made in 1962. It was based on a real story, better known as von Richter. That's what it was like when I was working with Stephen. You couldn't say a thing. I could not say a thing. Can I be honest? That would really irritate me.

I know you like him. The word irritate comes from the word irritartan, Robert. Oh, yeah. It's very impressive. If you're from Earth. If you're an alien, it's everyday stuff. That's all I'm saying. He's very impressive if you're from earth if you're an alien it's everyday stuff that's all I'm saying he's very verbose we've been talking about

TV shows based on puns TV show titles yes hello Frank and the team or as I call you my comedy heroes which is nice. I experienced what I think is a rare communal eureka moment last week. I was in a sociology lesson and we managed to get the teacher to procrastinate about modern children's TV.

I wonder what the, how did they get? Yeah. From Family and Kinship in East London by kinsey to that in a sociology lesson crafty um to our amazement he pointed out a pun in one of our favorite sean in one of our favorites sean the sheep which is about a sheep and sean being the sheep's name and how you remove its wool i'll admit this pun isn't brilliant but seeing 30 people all getting it at once was something quite magical yeah yes i can um do you think it's true that that's a poem sean the sheep yes i think i think that's why what about sean locke well that is that a barbering is well lock

his hair yeah is that is it a stage name i've no idea quite a rubbish stage name could have been his parents if I had the kind of name I think all my children should they ever come I'm going to call things like mule chicken

roast dinner yeah I won't be calling them that if I never see another chicken it'll be too soon Chicken. You know, stuff like that. They're all going to be ponds. Roast dinner? Yeah. Or what are we calling them now? Roast dinner. If I never see another chicken, it'll be too soon. Of course, the chicken was introduced to this country. Get out! What else? Oh, so this week, I've had a bit of a showbiz week, guys.

Yeah, well, of course, you went to the Comedy Awards. I wasn't invited. Your girlfriend was there as well. I know, she was invited. We were all there. All there. Your girlfriend was there as well. I know she was invited. We were all there. All there. I watched it on telly. Me too.

Oh, congratulations. Well done. We, well, you know what I went for, Frank? I went for, because I had some dress choices. I brought them in, didn't I? You saw them. I love the green. Well, I went for the green.

It was the best. It was a sort of, it was Dolce & Gabbana. It was kind of a lace confection. It was a little bit Wild West saloon in its own way I like that I think my

my basic fashion thing is Wild West brothel yeah at home as well like a tassel curtain and a spittoon that was very much

the look I was going for yeah but you carried it off well it went down well although my friend Ian who won an award for he writes the Inbetweeners he saw me and he liked the dress so much, and as he saw me he said,

oh, I was just checking you out when I saw that dress, and then I realised it was only you. Oh, no. Oh, God. But anyway, I saw... Only you. If he'd have sang that then, that would have been, he would have turned that round, but no, it's too late now.

No. It's no good tweeting you that. So I made it to the Celebrity Entrance. Do you know i was worried about that well yeah it's a big step yeah um and no alarms went off no alarms went off i was with two other famous people though so that's how i say human shield you do need two though not the family shield who are you with which celebrity i was with um my friend jane who who you know. Jane Goldman. From the Tarleton films? No.

Oh, no, the one who wrote... He's a famous screenwriter. Can we even say Kickbottom, we'll call her? Yeah, Kickbottom. She wrote Kickbottom. Famous for Kickbottom. And my friend Morwenna Banks, who's a comedian, who you know, Frank. Peppa Pig, isn't she?

Yeah. That's one of her roles. You were with Peppa Pig and Kickbottom? It sounds like a troupe of jesters from King Lear. Okay, so you were in. And then Sarah Millican sidled up at the celebrity entrance and she said,

oh, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Because she didn't want to be photographed. That's my Geordie accent. If you stick with the comedy, I would. She didn't know what to do. Yeah, well, it's horrible. You know what it's like, because the paparazzi are all taking photographs. Horrible, horrible.

People at home thinking, that must be horrible. Anyway, I'd better get to work in the factory for 12 hours. Frank, they're not taking them of me, are they? So that's what's horrible. So I just thought, well, you have to do a runner, because otherwise they start shouting at you. They go, get out of the way, get out of the way. Me and Dave was being photographed once.

We were all full of ourselves. And suddenly Cher arrived. And the cameras, that moment when the cameras all moved. And not only were they not, didn't want us, but we were on the edge of frame. You just move! You just... It was Cher this and Cher that.

She doesn't like to Cher, that's the problem. No. Exactly. Cher. I mean, where is she now? Nowhere. Dress your age. That's what problem. No. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, where is she now? Nowhere. Dress your age. That's what I always say.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Should I stay or should I go? Should I stay or should I go? Should I stay or should I go?

Which was actually the text I got from Richard Keyes. I won't say what my response was. That was the clash. Certainly it was. Did you clash it? Sorry, carry on. We've had a text from 437. Frank, can I suggest a lame TV commission?

Henman's Hills. Tim Henman looks at his favourite hills. Oh. Oh, based on Henman Hill. Yeah. The Wimbledon. That's like Moray Mound. Oh, is it really? Yeah. I watched Andy Moray actually on my birthday.

It was my birthday yesterday. Thanks, I know. I got the day wrong. And I watched Andy Murray. I don't normally watch tennis, and suddenly I felt this passion for watching the game, as if it comes at a certain age. Oh. And I've never seen anybody shout,

come on, as many times. Since I used to see horrible men get into fights in Birmingham nightclubs. He just kept going, come on! And then they cut to his... Oh, to himself, you mean? Yeah, then they cut to his mum in the crowd and she was shouting, come on, as well.

She's such a hanger-on. He hates his mum, that's my favourite. I thought he thinks how embarrassing. Oh, God, she's turned up again. I prefer his family, though, to the Henmans. I found the Henmans a bit alien. Oh, yeah. Alien, you say?

You think another one? It's a genuine... What about if he did a programme about hens? He could just be called the Hen Man. Hen Man. Oh, that's good.

Frank, can I take this opportunity to apologise that I got your birthday wrong this week? Shut your face. No, Frank, I was misinformed. I was given a bum steer by David Baddiel

who said to me, no, you've got that very wrong, when I told him what day I thought your birthday was, and also Wikipedia. Wikipedia got my birthday wrong. Yeah. And I've defended Wikipedia for being correct. Because people always, you know, take the Mickey out of Wiki.

They take the Wiki out of it in some... I took the Wiki out of it in their list of great Pakistani stars. I took all the Wikis out. Do you know it was Derek Okora's birthday the day before you? Was it really? I like to think that we... It's interesting because I am... Who do I share a birthday

with? Nicholas Sarkozy, Ackerbilk and Lee Latchford Evans. Do you remember Lee Latchford Evans? Do I ever? You don't know him. From Steps? Lee from Steps.

Lee from Steps. You might call him Lee from Steps, I call him Lee Latchford Evans. You share a birthday with someone, you're a little bit more respectful. Do you know what I'm saying? He's not even from Steps anymore. Anyway, we've got Alex Horne after the news.

And what I should have done, is had a jingle that goes... Shouldn't I? Yeah. But, you know, the thing is with this show, if you don't do it yourself, it's not done. That's all I'm saying. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. That was a brimful of Asher, which reminds me, I had my birthday cake in a hat. Brimful of Asher. You with me, Gary? Nearly there, I think. Famous former... Jane Asher made cakes. Brimful.

Yeah. OK, welcome back This is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio And that was Corner Shop Let me Let me hear you

Say yeah Um Yeah Okay So it was It was my birthday yesterday Yeah Should I say how old I was?

Yeah why not? I don't think so You can tell how old I am. Someone phoned me up, someone who I work with, and she said, oh, happy birthday. I said, yeah, happy birthday. I think I got mixed up with Christmas. They say it to you and then you say it back.

And I thought, have I gone old that quick that I've just started saying, just repeating what people say to me? I mean, for goodness sake. It was a little bit worrying. So how were the Man About the House celebrations? Did they lay on something special for you? Well, when I got up yesterday morning, there was a big banner that said,

Happy Birthday. A cake with candles and balloons, cards, flowers. It was very, very exciting. See, can I just say, Frank, I think you get more of an effort with two ladies in the house. Do you think that's true? Yeah, because men aren't as thoughtful about little touches like that, are they? That is so...

I'll tell you what my girlfriend said. Do me a favour, love. My girlfriend said to me yesterday, she said, whatever you want to do today, whatever film you want to go and see, whatever you want to eat, well, you know, it's your day. So I said, you know, I think yo sushi yo sushi okay we're in yo sushi she's paying and then uh we passed this bookshop she says if you want to go and choose a couple of books i'll get i went in you know like a like a competition winner picked a couple of books and we went i

said anything you want to watch on the telly i said well i wouldn't mind watching the john wayne version of uh true grit you know know, the two-hour western, which is probably my favourite film. Fine, she said. She was okay with True Grit? Yeah, and we sat and watched that. And I started to think, you know, maybe these horrible blokes who absolutely rule the roost at home, I can see

where they're coming from. Because my joy was completely unimpaired by compromise. And I'm wondering if that might not be the way forward in our relationship. What do you think? It's a way to go. It is a way to go.

So that was brilliant. And then you had lunch with us and you got... Well, you didn't get a cake from us, did you? But you got a little glass with some ice cream scoops in it and one candle. Yeah, that was good. a little glass with some ice cream scoops in it and one candle. Yeah, that was good. And also I should say that I got a big box of sweets from Absolute Radio.

I mean, all sorts of posh sweets. I think they might be feeders. I think their way of keeping me here is to fatten me up. I noticed there was... I thought at first there was icing sugar scattered across it. It was protein supplement. So I think they're trying to get me bigger and bigger, so I basically can't get out that door when I'm stuck in the chair. What was your style present?

Because you do be going somewhere... I don't like to... Don't you? I mean, you guys, I should say, the people on the... Gareth and Emily and Emma and Daisy work on the show, all put together and got me a John Wayne cuckoo clock. With an emerging dollar.

Yeah, a dollar is his horse, by the way. It's not some lap-dancing thing. It's not also a money box. No, a hand comes out and puts a dollar into the top of my Calvin Classics. Tucks it in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, tuck this in for us. Get lost.

Get lost! Yeah. Do you know what Robson Green got for his birthday? I bet you didn't get anything as good as this. A wig? He had his birthday recently.

No. Okay. His wife sent him on a pyrotechnics course. What? Where he learnt to set off Category 4 fireworks.

Wow. That's what he got for his birthday. Category 4 off Category 4 fireworks. That's what he got for his birthday. Category 4. Category 4. I'll just look in my firework catalogue. That was what he'd always wanted, and he got it for his 40th. You just know that's going to lead to his early death, don't you? I mean, it's going to happen. Well, that's what she was hoping.

Yeah, but you know what I mean? He's going to get... Say the turnips on his trousers will get caught in the stick of a skyrocket, and he'll be taken up and dropped from about 45 feet, land somewhere near Hexham, I imagine, in County Durham. It's where I imagine, dashed on the rocks. Awful. What about this for a...

What did I get from my manager, you're probably wondering? Big hamper. He's very hamper. Well, I got a tiny envelope and I thought, is this it? There's a card and I thought, is that it? From my manager? And a little tiny photocopy opened it out and it's a mountain bike. Really?

Yeah, I know I can't ride a bike so not only is it a gift it's also a challenge. Has he provided lessons? Yeah, I don't think he's gone that far. Oh, that's stingy. There was a side box with stabilisers. I don't think people would laugh, would they?

No. I think another couple of years I might just put them on the sides of my shoes. We only have this extra. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Alex Horne has joined me in the studio, and not only Alex Horne, but Joe the musician. Give us a quick blast, Joe. There you go.

It's not bad, is it? People racing out all over England to buy an ice cream. So, Alex, great to see you. Morning, Frank. Thank you. It's lovely to see you. And you're a man of multiple projects. I always think of you as a man who's looking for different and exciting ideas. Is that true? Why not? Yeah, multiple projects.

Yeah, although at the moment I've only got this. This sort of music, this Joe, is kind of my project at the moment. I'm just trying to introduce him to the media. Get him out there. Is this thing about using music to get people out of themselves and to just mentally socialise more? A little bit, but my theory is also just that everything is better with music underneath

it. That's why people walk around with headphones in and you have it in films. So I'm trying to now live my life with music underneath it. You've obviously never had intercourse to Scott Joplin's The Entertainer. Not yet, Frank. No, well, it's not easy, let me tell you that. So, I should start then, but can I ask you, you have a

show called The Horn Section. Yeah. And that starts at the Lyric Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue. Is it Shaftesbury Avenue, the Lyric? Yeah. It's in the avenue rather than the lane. Yes. And I'm just saying it because there's one in Hammersmith, isn't it? It's not that one. It's the posh one. Yeah, it's

the sort of nicer one. Yeah, exactly. And that starts this Monday. Yeah, half past seven seven and it's called the horn section now before you came on alex we were talking about whether this whole idea came around just because it's a good pun uh it is a cracking pun it is no doubt about it it's great for me because no other comic can sort of go in on my turf now that's true i don't think is there another comic with a there's jeff tromp trump have you ever seen him yeah but you know he's still small time yeah no no i actually the idea came first but as soon as we had the name

we thought that's it we have to do it yeah um yeah so what is the idea then what if someone goes to the lyric on um on monday night what will they see well it's quite similar to thriller really um in many ways i should say that thriller live is the show that's normally on at the moment, which is a tribute to Michael Jackson. We're hoping to get some of their audience who just don't know it's not on on a Monday. Are you going to sneak in some Jack O'June? There's a little, there's a medley. Oh, is there?

That's the secret. Yeah, there's a Jackson medley at the end. But no, it's music and comedy. So I've got five musicians who are all, they're brilliant. All right, are they good? Excellent. The drummer, I asked him the other day in the car who's the best and the drummer is apparently the best at his instrument

but the worst musician That was the gossip, anyway Does it really make any sense? No, I don't understand it but I sort of play a lot, I like just talking to musicians it makes you feel quite cool Do you sing in the show? Yeah, I sing so we start with a song. Have you gone a bit Lenny Henry, Alex, that's what I'm asking you

You know Lenny Henry's on tour now and half the show is basically him singing. I think Lenny Henry's gone a bit horn. It's the other way. I think he saw us. He's gone a bit horn. People are saying it. Lenny Henry's gone a bit horn. Yeah. Do you suggest that he's running the ivory poaching trade?

Yes. Oh, well, that's quite an allegation, let me tell you that. It's done worse. So what we have, Frank, we have... Chef, for example. Mainly, Frank, we have top, really good comics who come along and just muck about with the band. So, you do your set, but you have a band like Tim Vines on the first night, so he'll do his one-liners, but with jazz underneath.

Oh, I see. It's musical accompaniment to comedy. Yeah, it's quite integral to it. So they're not comedy songs. It's quite a jazz performance. And one of these guests in the Edinburgh version of this show was our own Gareth Richards, was he not?

Yeah, Richards did it. Yeah, he was very good. Did his little omnicord. Yeah. You had a nice time, didn't you, Gareth? Yeah, it was lots of fun. Can you sound keen now? It was the best thing I've ever done.

It was, wasn't it? You said that at the time. That's damning with fame praise, hasn't it? He played the songs and they sort of played along and made them more sort of... So it's quite loose, is it, Alex? Yeah, it's quite loose. Our producer's trying to tighten it up, but I'm quite keen. Oh, no, don't do that. Audiences love loose. Yeah, I guess I think so. so i mean it really is quite loose they don't like too loose no it's yeah it's loose but no there's a structure and then

like we have an idea like mark watson will come along he's doing the first night and he's gonna do something say if he tells a sad story joe might play some sad music underneath we got sort of sort of just to give it more pathos and more it's sad but you feel it has to be set somewhere in kentucky as well what some stuff is nowadays yeah i didn't realize there's a lot of moonshine material and then he's going to end up playing the drums because he's always wanted to play the drums on stage so he'll end up playing the drums so we have a rough idea of where it'll go but it might not go that way okay OK. So if I introduce the next track, Joe, which is Rolling in the Deep

by Adele, do you think you can give me some accompaniment to that? To your introduction? To the introduction? Yeah. That's possible. You start and I'll join in. I want you to think sort of professional radio presenter type banjo playing.

I know just what you mean. Do it. Well, now, we like to play you folks good old music down here on Frank Skinner Epstein Radio. Sure, we got that pretty Miss Adele now. She's going to be rolling. She's not going to be rolling in the shadow.

She's going to be rolling way in the deep. We'll be back. Take your shoes off. Sit down a spell. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So Alex Horne is with us, with his entire band, Joe.

And we're talking about his new show, The Horn Section, which I'm going to see on Monday night. Are you? And I'm going to see not for professional reasons, because obviously I will have already interviewed you by then, but just because when I was in Edinburgh, so many people tell me it was brilliant. I saw it in Edinburgh.

I saw Jimmy Carr the night I was there. I saw Jimmy Carr. I saw Jimmy Carr. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Yeah. Yeah, he dropped in a few times and did it. How did you find Jimmy Carr? He was very good.

I liked it. Is he musical? Well, no, he was telling jokes, and then it was over a kind of... He got the audience to suggest types of genres of music for him to tell a joke under, so we had sort of bangra, which was quite unsuccessful, I think.

What did we have? Reggae. He tells jokes well over reggae he does that's interesting culture clash do you play an instrument? I've got a grade 3 French horn

again I thought it was hilarious when I was 12 but Alex Horne played the horn so I whip it out has your life been dominated by the pursuit of puns? yeah and didn't you run a rhino farm once in Suffolk? I named my son, my first son, his middle name is Trader, because there's an ivory trader called Trader Horn.

Trader Horn. So his life is now yoked to the horn as well. Ah. Yoked to the horn. Round the Horn was a radio show. Yeah, I saw it from your email saying, are you him? No, I think he's long. He's not just dead. He's dust. I think he's, yeah, decomposed. Oh, I saw it from your email saying, are you him? No, I think he's long. He's not just dead.

He's dust. I think he's, yeah, decomposed. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I did see a thing about what stage of decomposition he was in. I can't remember that. And even that was probably three months ago. So, yeah.

So, well, it just sounds, it sounds like you just have a wonderful time, Alex. I'm glad you say that, because I really do. It's the best thing I've ever done in terms of fun. It's just, it's brilliant, because you can just say to the person next to you, because we've got five instruments, and you just say, give us some medieval music. And, yeah, do some medieval music for me.

It's not bad, is it? I mean, it's not that medieval. Send it and get out of my banjo. I should say, you has switched to the trumpet. In case anyone at home thinks this is my radio step. Yeah, that is great. Medieval music, medieval sort of gags I've got fly, really. Otherwise they're a bit...

Yeah. To stand up without them is quite tough now. You know, I didn't want to say this, but I've seen your medieval set before and I thought it needed a bit of... I mean, I like that we got a hog's head each in the audience, but I think

it did need music. It's only two minutes, but... Yeah, exactly. And you get surprise guests turn up and do bits. Yeah, so we had people like Tim Minchin come along, very drunk, wouldn't he? Oh, Tim!

Was he booked, or did he just... I think he was sort of... He thought he was on that night. He was cajoled to come along. No, but he road-tested a song about cheese. Cheese? Yeah, cheese. He improvised a song about cheese,

which is now in his big orchestral set. And, yeah, he... Played the piano? He played the piano. That's what he did, yeah. It was quite funny, though, because the musicians are all looking at the fingers and everyone else is listening to what he's saying.

But, yeah, musicians have a different angle on it. Yeah. I tell you what, have you ever driven your car with music on and then put the music off and driven for a bit in silence? It feels the most silent that silence ever was. And I'm wondering that when you go back to stand-up, normal stand-up after this,

is if it's going to feel a bit on music. I actually do take round a couple of musicians now. I did it with a drummer and a saxophonist last time, just standing on either side of me. And it's great. So you're hooked now? Yeah. I can't do without it. I think it's a new form of art.

I think it's taking it to another level. It's the best thing ever. If you just put your fingers in your ears, Joe, wouldn't it be a good idea if you just learnt an instrument a bit better? The most thing you could do is use your mouth. And also, I don't really like comics. Forget the French horn. Learn guitar or something like that. Did you say you don't like comics or use musical instruments?

No, I didn't say that. Gareth has an Omnicord. Yeah, no, what I mean... No, I like sort of being the I didn't say that. I didn't say that. No, what I mean... Gareth has an Omnicord. Yeah, no, what I mean... No, I like having my... I like sort of being the conductor in it and ordering them around. I've got quite a lofty position. I slag them off quite a bit.

Oh, do you? Yeah, I'm quite mean to them. It's quite a dominant position. A bit of a Thomas Beecham character. Thank you, Joe. I've got a fact from Joe about you. Can I do my fact now? Yeah, do your fact.

Do you want to stick your mute in? Just because it's a bit... A bit much. A bit of a racket. Frank fact. It's do my fact now? Yeah, do your fact. Do you want to stick your mute in? Just because it's a bit... Frank fact. It's a Frank fact, yeah. Off you go. Joe's got the same banjo teacher as you, Frank. Same banjo teacher. Oh, yeah. Frank fact. I must admit,

I left him for the ukulele world Oh did you The ukulele is my other woman But you've stuck with the banjo Do you play ukulele No not at all Maybe we should talk about this half an hour This is Frank Skinner

On Absolute Radio I'm with I'm with Alex Horne and his musical band. There's only one man. I just thought of another pon thing. I had an idea to do a documentary about tribute bands and I wanted to call it Proxy Music. Yes. It wasn't commissioned

I'd like to mention one of my non-commissioned ideas on the show it's going to keep me going for quite a while so Alex can I just move away from the music you're writing a science fiction novel is that true

yeah I only ask that because I've I'm in the midst of a science fiction novel, is that true? Yeah, it is true. I only ask that because I've... I've been there, I've told anyone that. I'm in the midst of a science fiction obsession. I veer from obsession to obsession. Yeah, me too. At the moment, I'm reading New Romancer by William Gibson. And I've recently watched Forbidden Planet,

The Day the Earth Stood Still and This Island Earth. I mean, I'm on a complete sci-fi frenzy. Yeah, you've got a good life, Frank. Thank you very much. I'm going well for you. Yeah. They're not expensive, these things. So, is that imminent?

Well, see, mine's a science fiction thing, but I'm looking at the 60s and the space race and making up some stuff around that, whether or not it's real or not. So I'm not looking at the future. You're looking at the past. Yeah, I'm looking at the pasts and the space race and making up some stuff around that, whether or not it's real or not. So I'm not looking at the future. You're looking at the past? Yeah, I'm looking at the past. Science fiction in the past. In my book, right, there's a planet up there which is a perfect mirror. And if you look up at that with a Hubble telescope,

you can see the past, because that's sort of 20 light years in the past. Oh, I see. And so this way I can explore what happened in the 60s before CCTV and stuff. Brilliant. Yeah, it's going to be a good book. So you can find out who killed Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, whether the goal went in, 66. Yeah.

Who shot Kennedy. Who shot, yeah. Whether they went to the moon or not. They did. They did go to the moon. Yeah, in my book. Oh, in your book they did. Yeah, yeah.

I was going to say, because wasn't it a desert in Arizona with somebody in the background dressed as a dune? In my book they did go, but they didn't turn on the camera so then they had to sort of reshoot it. And that caused a lot of confusion. Well, I'm looking forward to it. I'll tell you what I think it's because you've got a beard. I just assume it'll be a good novel.

Oh, it'll be an excellent novel because of the beard. And I'm more surprised that it'll be in Russian. Mostly Russian, yeah. Do you speak Russian? Because you speak a lot of languages. Now, Tim Key speaks Russian and you won't see a thing he's in in which he doesn't display that talent is that right?

you'll see him in the horn section on Monday he'll sing a song in Russian I promise he's so desperate to show off I have to say if I could speak Russian it's like there's been periods of like three or four months in my life

when I've had quite a flat stomach can I keep my shirt down? no and I think you've got it if you've got, you've got to, you know, get it out. The trouble is, I sort of know Latin. I did my degree in Latin, and everyone says, go on, speak some Latin. And I can't do that. All I can do is translate it. So that's a useless talent, unless you sort of give me a poem. Oh, that's a pity. So there's no verbal?

No. There's no vox. I met the Pope four years ago. No viva. You met the Pope, Frank. I met the Pope, and I said to him, I said, Salve Papa, which means hello, Pope. And he just looked at me. I got, oh, it's a long story. But I shook his hand. And looking back, I should have sort of done something. Papa seems wrong. It's a bit Smurf-like. Yeah, but it just means Dad. That's what Pope means. Just Dan. Hello, Dan. I bet that worried him. I bet his mind was racing.

Oh, not another one. That's four I've had to have killed already. He's just turned up out of nowhere. Well, look, it's always great to see you, Alex. And like I say, I love the fact that your mind is always blossoming in different directions. I look forward to the sci-fi novel. When could that happen? Well, I've written 20,000 words, all different.

That's the other tactic. You've made it hard for yourself. It's awful. I mean, it really trails off after the first chapter. And you can only use all the punctuation once. Yeah. That will be done in sort of 2015, I think. Oh, wow.

But I'll see you on Monday. Yes, well, I shall. I'm coming along. And like I say, I've heard great things about it. Can I mention the website, Frank? Do please do. Because I've got all the details of other line-ups. Do you want to do your complete plug,

maybe with a little musical accompaniment? Yeah, all right. So something sort of upbeat or... Yeah, not too sort of depressing. He's a bit bossy, isn't he? What do you think of his jumper, genuinely? There's no please, is there, or anything? The jumper?

I like the jumper. It looks like... It's very mossy. It's very mossy. It is mossy. Ronnie Wood wouldn't like it. He works on his station, and he... No.

Carry on. Right, off you go, Joe. So, the horn section is coming to London's West End from Monday the 31st of January, and then every two weeks until April the 11th. So that's January the 31st, February the 14th, the Valentine's special, February the 28th, March the 14th, March the 28th, April 11th.

The website is www.thehornsection.com. That's with an E after horn. We've got acts including Doc Brown. Stomp! Stomp, we're doing it! Brilliant. Oh, hello. Well, that was absolutely fabulous. I think just two more notes.

Well, that was more than two. They always want a bit more, don't they? Well, I used to do the Lyric Theatre every Monday. Yeah. The thing called the Credit Crunch Cabaret. Yes. And I presume you're in the same dressing room as me, the star dressing room. I hope so.

And all I can say, Alex, is don't wash your face in that sink. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. Did you see... Not with Ludwig Kennedy. No. But did you see that magazine cover with Elton John, David Furnish and their new baby? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I did. Well, you were lucky because in one place in America they put the child shield on it. Family shield? Yeah, which I've never heard of. What is a family shield? Are you familiar with the family shield, Gareth? It's like a coat of arms. What is it?

No, they didn't do that. It's like a cover that they put on the front of rude books. Oh, right. You know, with the ladies, the scantily clad ladies on. And stop kiddies seeing them. Yeah, and they put it... Kiddies. And they put it over Elton and his partner, David Furnish, and the baby.

What's the baby called? Well, they put it directly... The baby is called... Isn't he Zach? Zach. I think it's Zach. Zach John? Zachary Jackson Levin Furnish John.

Do you know, Elton said the baby... Zachary John. Elton said the baby shot out. Wow. He said it shot out, he said. Did it? Yeah. I thought that was a Rocket Man reference.

Let me get this right. It was the Sorrow of Good Birth, wasn't it? Yeah. Okay. This is very confusing. I thought it was a nice picture. I mean, Elton did look like a sort of an ageing rug rat kid. You know that kid in the Rugrats with the ginger hair and the...

Chucky. Chucky, yeah. Yeah, he looked a bit like that, but not in a bad way. No. I'll tell you what I thought. I mean, I'm not saying this is cruel to children at all, but I thought, how come the child has to appear on the front cover with a bald head? Exactly.

But, Elton, why not a small toupee for the child? Why should he be humiliated? And Elton is sitting there, you know, Oh, no, I'm not. oh, no, it's him. He's the bald dick. I mean, you know, is that fair? Is that any way to treat that? And a big pair of glasses for it as well, I say.

Massive pair of glasses. Pine of piano. Yeah, we'd like, you could have, like, big safety pins, you know, representing the baby nappy thing. Or they could be, like, dummies, big dummy glasses. They'd put them in dungarees as well, which I always think is a bit, it's a bit prison break. big dummy glasses. They'd put them in dungarees as well, which I always think is a bit, it's a bit prison break.

I don't like that. Put them in dungarees. It's good for hanging them up. You know what I mean? If you can just put them on a coat, I'm going to hang you in a coat. He's got a very big gap in his teeth, Frank Elton. Yes, yes.

No, but it's getting larger. It's increasing. A sign of wantonness, according to the Canterbury Tale. Oh, yes, sure. The wife of Bath. Yeah, exactly. Yes, and of Bath. Yeah, exactly. Yes, and I think you'll find it.

Get out! See, I've been thinking out of Stephen's cup, I think. Why is the gap getting bigger? I'm sure it is. I don't know. Maybe something's going to come out. It's that mother-of-pearl cigarette holder. He started wetting it in there.

Still, it's good that David Furnish, producer, has finally produced something it had to happen eventually I've been looking for him on credits for about 15 years where it says producer never does his name appear I don't know what he does in the day

not a very nice thing to do to cover them up though isn't it I mean that's out of order unless there's a family shield because they don't want single people to see families. Maybe. Almost to me. When I've been single and I've seen families out together, it is quite boring. They should have to have a family shield.

Yeah. Just around you. Yeah. I thought, this is just a theory, that the family shield might be the baby's idea. Oh, embarrassed of the parents? Oh, no, not embarrassed of the parents. You know when you win the lottery and you can tick that thing that says no publicity?

I think the baby's thinking, I'm in for a lot of money here. Do I want my face all over the place? No, no, I'm going to keep it down. They've got an eye for the quick cash, these, but don't kid yourself. Yeah. I mean, I heard that Gary Coleman just before he died tried to get adopted by Madonna oh god

yeah he left himself in a basket crying on her steps hoping that she'd think he'd been dropped over from the Africas but she recognised him instantly what are you talking about Chichione he, I mean, she recognised him instantly. What are you talking about, Chichione, he said to her, when she accused him, but it was too late then, let me tell you that. Anyway, I think we, uh, I think we, it sounds like we've reached the end of the road.

So, uh, next week, our guest is Ed Byrne. Oh, well, last time. He didn't turn up last time. Well, he was in a ditch, if you remember. Was he? Well, he said he'd driven into a ditch. So he's out. He's out of there.

How dare you? Yeah, and you can listen to Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday, which is a completely different show from this. Next is Ben Jones. It's been... It started strangely today, I thought. And then it wasn't very good for about, say, an hour and 20 minutes. Okay.

Then there was one good bit that lasted about four minutes. Then it dipped again. And then I liked the, and then Alex came on. That was interesting. And then there was the Elton. That's my summary of the show. Okay. Got a nice little review there.

Thanks for that. Yeah. People are out of other opinions because one man's meat is another man's poison and stuff like that. Four minute podcast this week or will we just put it all in as normal?

Oh, no, no. I think we'll go for that. I just think throw it all in. Some of it will stick. That's my attitude. So, yeah. So we're off now. Ben's banging on the window

with miming get out. What am I to read into that? Anyway, thank you so much for listening, and I love you all. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.