The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Andi Osho

Episode Date: January 15, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about arthouse movies, the Good Life and staying in on your own.

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I'm absolutely loving it. That was Helmoltz Resonators with Oompa. I feel like we're off. Do you know what I'm saying? We're off and away. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth in a small studio

in Golden Square, London. A large conurbation in the south-east of England. Everything's going quite well. If you want to text us, you can do it on 81215. Our guest today is Andy Osho. All things Oshovian will be discussed later if you receive my meaning. OK, we're off. So, um...

I tell you what, the producer was bending over this morning in the office. Come on, before I go any further. It is a woman, but she's got jeans on. It wasn't a lewd moment. But I had a flashback to my school days. Whenever anyone bent over, you always, always kicked them up the behind. Always. It was an absolute, that was it.

There was no question about that. You kicked them up the behind quite hard. I mean, on a good day, you'd actually lift them from the ground. Oh, my God. And I only just realised that that dies out in adult life. I'm not having your hobnails anywhere near my city shorts. No. I notice you've gone for a short.

I've gone for a city short. I mean, it's January. Oh, dear, we're going to have to learn. I'm taking you to a catwalk show, so you're going to have to learn about fashion. I'm looking forward to the catwalk show, I must say, very much. I like an event. Do you know what I mean?

I like to get out into somewhere. I like an arthouse movie, par exemple. Oh. And I went to see one this week with my girlfriend and a couple of friends and we went to see a thing called Uncle Boon Me, who can recall his bass life. Not his bass life. It's just I said

Uncle Boon Me and I thought he better not. That used to be a bass. Uncle, yeah. Funny you should say that because there was quite a big fish scene in Uncle Boon me can recall his past lives and big mouth billy bass was not in it he doesn't seem to get the work he used to he never graduated from the plaque that's what i've always felt about big mouth billy bass

don't worry be happy well try and say it now you're unemployed you big carp oh obviously it's a bass what am am I saying? I couldn't think. I thought, what kind of fish is Big Mouth Billy Bass? That's a clue. Yeah. That's a clue in the name. Well, I've made such a fool of myself.

You know, there is a scene in Uncle Boon Me who can recall his past lives when a woman has what I can only describe as a physical relationship with a fish. Wow. Is there? Oh, yeah. It sounds very odd film.

There's a lot of bubbling. The water's bubbling like a stew, like a strange country stew. Did you go to one of those cinemas, Frank, where you can't get popcorn, you can only get sort of flapjacks and coffee? I went, yeah, one of those cinemas where you have to stay in

until all the writing's gone at the end of the film. I mean, come on, who cares who the grip is? And the lady behind the counter doesn't wear make-up, that's what I'm saying. I didn't notice that, but I can tell from what you're saying that there could be no greater scene. I've heard that film's quite good. Have you? That was wrong. Oh.

It's got fabulous reviews. There is one bit, when they're all sitting around outside. I think it's set in Thailand. They're all sitting around at dinner outside. And suddenly the ghost of the bloke's dead wife materialises. Is it Boonmee? No, Boonmee is the bloke, Uncle Boonmee. So Uncle Boonmee's dead wife turns up and says, Boonmy.

And he says, it's too late. Oh, God. No, and so that's a big moment. A ghost materialises at the dinner table. I don't know about you, but for me, I don't know if I'd eat anything else after that. And it causes a bit of a stir. But it takes it quite well, old Boonmy.

But then the ghost of his missing son turns up oh too many ghosts no hold on now but it's yeah the broth was completely ruined i didn't even know it's applied to ghosts i thought it was just the good thing anyway um this other the ghost of his missing son turns up turns out turns out the ghost of his missing son has had a physical relationship with a monkey ghost. Oh, God. And become like a monkey. So his eyes glow absolutely bright red. You just see footsteps, like monkey footsteps coming up the stairs.

You know monkey footsteps? It sounds like some Derek Acora thing. It doesn't sound like an arthouse film. Ghosts and things. My girlfriend. I'm also worried about the spoilers because I think his dead son turning up and he'd had physical relations with the monkey was probably going to be a surprise in the film.

I was surprised. I didn't see it coming, I'll be straight with you. As I said, you can hear the monkey feet on the stairs. You know that sound of monkey? You must have heard monkey feet walking up a wooden staircase. Okay. He had bright red glowing eyes the monkey which was never explained i should have to think what his bottom was like i mean they're fairly

red and glowing at the best of time but what i loved about that scene was that this ghost had just materialized the dead wife she was completely off stage by the big monkey ghost turning up obviously he was a monkey and you could see she was a bit oh why turn up now that was me and that was my big moment everyone and then the monkey ghost comes and completely steals it anyway so you stayed there you didn't you didn't walk out or anything even though you hated it my my girlfriend revealed after that she hated it so much that halfway through the film she started crying she physically cried with frustration and she said to me after in all honesty she said i said you didn't like it did you she said i'm never i'm never ever going to the cinema ever again. And she was utterly sincere. I mean, can you...

I mean, I didn't like... It was all right. There was a monkey ghost in it. And a woman, you know, with a fish thing. I mean, it had its pluses. We'll say that for Uncle Boon Mead who recalls his past lives. But there's no need to cry.

Was it boring? Was she bored to tears? She was bored. She was physically bored to tears. That can actually happen, and if it can happen once, it can happen twice, so stick around. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Radio. The only one I know,

charlatans. It's good, that. Very good. Tempted to say my Bobby and Jackie charlatan thing, but I'm not going to do it. What happened to Suzanne charlatan? Do you remember her? Oh, I thought she was a weather girl. Yes, she was. She was Bobby's daughter,

if I remember rightly. She's probably got sacked because she was too old. That's what happens, apparently. So, what we haven't done for ages. That's the morning! What about that? I thought maybe I'd give it up as a New Year's resolution, but now there it is. We were talking about being bored to

tears. Yeah. And over Christmas, I think I was bored to tears for the first time. Do you mean literally to tears? Literally, I knew what that meant. You see, I've heard this phrase, bored to tears. Yeah, so go on. Well, it was like Christmas had already happened and it was one of the days following Christmas.

I think Boxing Day had passed. Oh, no, it's that period. I was still in the days following Christmas. I think Boxing Day had passed. Oh, no, it's that period. I was still in the family lockdown mode where you are, you know, basically trapped in a Christmas lift with your loved ones. Looking at each other. And I did loved ones in quotation marks.

You did. It did quite well. I felt something in the intonation. We felt the benefit. So December 28th through 31st. Yeah, something like that. And you're just not allowed to do anything you want to do. And I think it was a moment when someone...

There was a bad children's film on telly, but I got into it a little bit. Not the railway children's. No, I think it was one about penguins who can dance. Something like that, penguins dancing. Oh, that one. And even though... That's not so much a film as a genre.

Even though it's not a good film I got quite attached to it but then someone decided the telly was going off so they switched it off that's always like a moral decision come on

we're going to talk now telly's going off I don't want to talk let's not talk let's watch the dancing no is that what I heard

is the holier thanthan-thou attitude of turning the telly off. If you feel like that about it, don't turn it off, take an axe to it. It's always the upper hand. And as they did that, as the dancing penguins went off, tears formed in my eyes. Really? Really.

And I thought, I'm bored to tears. I'm so happy that one can be literally bored to tears. It's a brilliant thing. Because I honestly thought that was just a turn of phrase. I know I have two examples at my fingertips. Should it ever crop up again? I've never experienced that, I have to say.

Well, stick around. That's because you've never been out with anyone for more than about six months. Oh, no, it's far too busy in my flat, darling, to ever get bored. How's that turn style? Have you had it fixed? Still fully operational. But the thing is with a film, though, is that it's... Do you take that big moment when you actually walk?

Oh, yeah. You do? Oh, yeah. We've walked out of... I've walked out of The Goonies when I was 14. The Goonies? Awful film. I remember being 14.

It's not Seminal Peace. It's like Chubby Children in Anorak. Oh, whoa, neat. I walked out. That'd be a great review. You should be on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, okay. I've never seen The Goonies.

Yes, good. Don't. It's awful. I won't. No, I didn't like that. I didn never seen The Goonies. Yes, don't. It's awful. I won't. No, I didn't like that. I didn't want to sit through that. Uncle Goonie, who can recall his past lives? It's a sequel, I hadn't realised.

Well, I went to see Mark Almond. Oh. You know him? How was he? He's often not well. Well, what happens, he came on and he said, he did the first song and he says, Graeme, I'm really looking forward to tonight.

He said, it's going to be about three and a half hours. And I thought, I've got to get out of here now. Now, there are things to learn from that. Never tell the audience how long something's going to be unless it's going to be short. Because it was like, had it been three and a half hours without any warning come two hours I'd have thought I think we're going to

have to leave now but I wanted to go after the first song once he told me because I didn't even want that's your moment that's the if you stay any longer

then well I think three and a half hours it's going to be like a Ribena with too much water because you're going to have to

so the whole thing is going to be thin and tasteless so I and then there's the thing if you're if you're known if you're a face So the whole thing is going to be thin and tasteless. And then there's the thing. If you're known, if you're a face... Oh, you'll be spotted. Yeah, then you're liable to get on Twitter,

you know, Frank Skinner scene walking out of Mark Ullman, and then you look at, like, a beast. Well, that's going to start a whole load of other rumours. Well, exactly. What do you mean? So anyway... Not a whole pint. i don't never believe that anyway so um i never believed no so so i did though i think sometimes you have to just protect

yourself i mean i went to an opera at uh at the coliseum in london and after the first act the thing is they invited me especially i had a laminate there was a champagne reception after it was all set up and i thought if i if i'm not here for that it'll be so embarrassing i'll be such a bad person that i was invited and didn't go to the thing nevertheless after the first act i ran i physically ran and when i got outside the theater i ran for a i would say a quarter of a mile i ran with the sheer joy of getting out of there. Like a man... You know when you see people...

There was bits in films when someone's released from prison... Shawshank Redemption! There's a car waiting for them outside and they have their 70s clothes in a brown paper bag. It was like that. And I ran and ran and... Oh, the joy of it. I'd like to know what our crazy listeners do

if they're stuck in a very tedious situation they feel they can't get out of. I imagine they just switch on to Capital. But anyway, you can text us on 81215. Text us about anything we want to hear from you. I feel strangely neglected this morning. Like a piece of wasteland. Do you know what I mean?

Maybe just some stained mattresses and a person on it. What? My mind goes places and I think I can't say that on the radio. I'll have to just... This isn't going off for three hours, is it? You're not going to cry, are you? I'm not going to cry yet. Give me a chance, for goodness sake.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in. This is from Peter Thompson. Go on. Peter Thompson used to play on the wing for Liverpool and England. Well, I don't know if it's the same one. I'd be very excited if it is him. Peter says, last week, whilst enjoying a nice midweek day off,

I called to repeat of The Good Life on one of the digital channels. Fair enough. It was then that I... Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun an encircling bird, if you will. Petals of a flower. Oh, yes. Disappearing or appearing. Oh. It was then that I heard the character Jerry who was talking about his neighbours,

played by Richard Bryce and Felicity Kendall, and he said, Tom and Barbara good. Only then, after years of watching repeats the programme, did I get it. The good life not only refers to the old saying, but also their surname. I felt like an idiot. Yeah, well...

Idiotic eureka moment. Yes. This is what we call on the show an idiotic eureka moment, when you realise something many, many, many hours, weeks, months too late. That's really quite late because that's from about 74. I didn't know that either. You didn't know that?

No. It's funny how things like that, though, they only work in the first episode because you can't, there's nowhere to go with that joke. It's only for the pitch. Is it even a joke? And it's called The Good Life. We call it a joke.

Well, frankly, it's a pointless pun. It's a reference. Yeah. It's a vague reference to the title. It's not a coincidence because they've done it on purpose. It's not like, Yeah. It's a vague reference to the title. It's not a coincidence because they've done it on purpose. It's not like, oh, that's funny. Yeah, but that could be sort of every written joke.

Yeah. Couldn't it? Frank Carl from Scunthorpe has just texted in a good tip to leaving early. He says, Frank, the tactics to leaving early is hold your phone up to your ear and as you leave be saying stuff like, is she OK? And I'm on my way now. That is brilliant. Yeah.

I like coffee, so I thought. That would have got some stares at the Mark Holman. Yeah. I once saw Ian Botham walk through, I was at Lord's Cricket Ground, and he had to walk past a bunch of sort of beery lads. And he was on the phone saying, yeah, well, we need to sort it out as soon as possible.

And I thought, you're not on the phone. I just knew he was was on the phone saying yeah yeah well we need to sort it out as soon as possible and i thought you're not on the phone i just knew he was just holding the phone to be so yeah pretending he was on the phone to avoid talking but that's a very good one i want to imagine there's a sort of a sudden uh pregnancy moment thing when he's had to dash well there's another text in as well with someone um related to that saying i've been so bored with the people next to me at work related dinners that i've locked myself in the loo and sat changing the settings on my phone that's where you realize you've walked out in the wrong direction yeah and you you haven't walked out you've just walked into a tiny room yeah i've done that a few times it's storming out you did the storming out thing and you think there's no external door here I've stormed in

is what I've done which is always a terrible error well I had a bit of a good life moment I stayed in the other night on my own and if you live with someone it's a very beautiful experience I live not only with my girlfriend at the moment but my girlfriend's sister also lives with us so it's a bit

it's a bit man about the house tune to that oh also lives with us. It's a bit man about the house. Oh, tune to that. Oh. Very good. I'd say it's more ba-ba-ba, because that was 70s. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. There'll be three women going, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba. The ladybirds probably, I wouldn't be surprised.

Nevertheless, so they went out for the night. So I had a night in. And it's a special thing, I think, when... You know, it's nice to live with people, but it's nice to have a night in on your own. I got me floppies on. Oh. You know your floppies.

All the clothes you've got that don't have any zips in them. Yeah. Or buttons. You do wear those all the time, though, in respect. So I got them on quite early, though. I was in them at about seven. Normally it's a nine o'clock job. I got the lenses out.

I was completely... I'll tell you what else. I had an eye test. Microscope. I had a... No, I didn't get that out. Spying on that neighbour again. I had to.

Can you do that with a microscope? Tiny neighbour. The borrowers. Tiny neighbour. Oh, oh yeah that bacteria that lives next door so um no i had to i had an eye test you know when you go in the eye test room and he's and they say can you just rest your chin on that oh yeah it's like a thing you rest and when i was having me night and i thought, we should have got one of them. A chin rest. I would have so happily watched the telly with a chin rest. You wasn't going to buy them. Can you buy them?

I don't know, but... Well, let's see if any optometrists... All I'm saying, 28th of this month is my birthday. I'd love a chin rest. I don't know if you've noticed, I've got... Jimmy Hill will have one. Yeah, but I don't know if I can get into that one.

This is... I've got quite a big head, you may have noticed. Yes, you have. It's quite... I mean, it weighs at least as much as the rest of my body. I played the elephant man in the school play. All I needed was a bit of blusher. That was it.

So, anyway, I hadn't got there. But I stayed in i um i had i did steak it was it was a male night i wanted the whole flat to smell of meat you know what i mean oh god so i did steak and i did eggs i thought no i don't have vegetables i mean on my own steak and eggs yeah it's like being a lion. Do they eat eggs? Oh, no, there aren't eggs. Anyway, and I watched all two hours of Fritz Lang's,

you know, Fritz Lang, the German, the silent movie, Metropolis. Wow. I watched that. That was my night in. It's absolutely blissful. Is it the best thing? A night in on your own.

I wouldn't want a life of bleak loneliness, but the occasional night in on your own is such a... When I used to live on my own, I remember one night watching Sergeant Bilko at one o'clock in the morning. I was completely naked. I was eating beans out of a tin, and I thought, this is living.

And you never quite get back to that, but, oh, it was a joyous experience. More of this, but i'm going to play a song one of my choices so you know get over it this is lulu and the lampshades with cold water yeah so that was me staying in i tell you you what, the other thing I did as well is I put the telly up quite loud. Even though it was a silent film. Obviously there's music.

Because I find now, I don't know if I'm going deaf, but we spoke last week about I watched the new Italian cop thing and I had a bit of trouble understanding what they were saying. But my girlfriend is always saying to me, God, that's loud, about the telly. And sometimes about the ukulele, admittedly, but there is no volume control.

I played that a lot on my night in as well. Great thing about a silent movie is you can play it on your ukulele. You got quite a lot done on that night in. Well, it was one of those. I might get another night in for a week or two. I want to live it up. Busy. What do you do, Gareth?

Do you tend to... Yeah, chicken wings. I think it's just like... Chicken wings? Oh, I think that's your apprentice night with Laura is chicken wings. Yes, but he still has to have what he does with Laura. He can't invent his own dish. No, but the thing is, when Laura's not there,

when Laura's there, I have to share them. Oh. And you can have them all to yourself. Just, you know, an obscene amount of food how many chicken wings would you would you get i think i think it comes in a pack of about 10 the packs is that right is that what they pack them in tens yeah sort of 10 or 12 they're taking the decimal system with their chicken wings i imagine they'd come in dozens for some reason so you could get through 10 easily chicken wings sometimes a bath a really long bath where

you wait till it gets cold and then put some more hot water in oh one of those that long oh you know i don't like men in baths horrible well i actually bathe in chicken wings oh no so the bath would be the last thing i'd want to do i hate baths i want to get in get scrubbed get out i don't want to wallow in my baths. I want to get in, get scrubbed, get out. I don't want to wallow in my own filth. Yeah, but we know you've got a prison approach to showers and baths.

Yeah, totally. I also put about three inches of water in it. That's because I'm slightly frightened of water, generally speaking.

I can't swim. I don't like it up around my throat. Oh, okay. Oh, God, no. And then a film about penguins dancing, probably.

But what would you watch? What would be your...? No, probably maybe some West Wing. It's very Wing-themed. It's very Wing-themed. Do you have a nice... Maybe a Red Bull? A Red Bull, a story about Stanley Matthews' biography.

Someone from the airport. Maybe play some Jet on the stereo. Yeah, exactly. Throw some badges on an Air Force uniform. Yeah. I'm liking a theme. Oh, I love his wings lighten, Frank. I might do that, you know.

Next time I have a night in, I'll try and theme it in some way. I might dress up, is the question. Design some sanitary pads. I do all sorts on that. Oh, I can't believe it. Oh, God. Oh, dear. I mean, I don't know where to...

Just a minute. I do. Well, that's cleansed the whole thing out. What about... Well, you see, this is... Welcome to my world, honey. This is my life.

I get this fun every night, but the problem is, unless I have a gentleman caller, and then you have to put that, honey. This is my life. I get this fun every night. But the problem... Unless I have a gentleman caller. And then you have to put that on hold, which is most irritating. Because you have to put... You have to, like, put your clothes on the right way round. Because I find...

Hold on a minute. No, often... Hear me out on this. On a night in, if it's just me and I don't have friends or gentleman caller, I will put my clothes on inside out because I can't be bothered to put them on the right way. Oh, I thought you meant facing backwards.

No! That's just a thing you do for a lark, trying to confuse the neighbours. No, but I don't bother. If I've got a T-shirt and I think, oh, I can't be bothered to put it the right way around, no-one's going to see it. You know, it's interesting.

I know I've name-checked my girlfriend a lot today, but I've noticed, you know, things happen, and when a relationship gets like five years, six years, seven years, things start, you know, things that one used to make the effort. And I've noticed more and more she wears clothes inside out around the house. Does she? Oh, good on, Kath. I didn't know she did that. It's almost deliberate. I'm living in a world of scenes.

And dry-cle clean only labels. So, but the novelty must wear off when you live on your own. Not really. No? No. No, because also what I like is I don't have to use plates. So if I want to eat, I can just use any vessel I choose. Because I don't have to stand on ceremony.

I don't have to go through all that rigmarole. So you might eat spaghetti from a carafe. Yeah, or a glass bowl or a cup or something. It's great. Kath will sit next to me with a saucepan and eat straight out of the saucepan. Oh, shit! Because it warms her as well at the same time.

Yeah. All these things, though, I'm saying, to me, obviously, they're normal. You two are looking at me like, does she? Right. Yeah, well, we're all. You two are looking at me like, does she? Right. Yeah, well, we're all different. I think you'd agree with that. Yeah, it's a special experience, though.

It's something that, you know, I wouldn't want to live on my own again. But, oh, the cosiness, the return to the woo. You can almost hear the heartbeat. The wings. That'll be it. The beat of the wings. That'll be the beat of the return to the woo. You can almost hear the heartbeat. The wings. That'll be it. The beat of the wings. That'll be the beat of the wings, of course. We only have this excess.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, that was The Clash. God, I remember seeing The Clash support Suburban Studs Barbarellas in Birmingham 1976. I think. And then, we went to see them at the top rank at Dale

End in Birmingham, and my mate had got a padlock round his neck, as a lot of punks did, and they wouldn't let him in because of that. He hadn't got the key. Oh, it's a shame. Really, and it was too tight to just take off over his head yeah he couldn't get it over his head no it was poor mate with the pad I bet it was one of those cheap ones from Woody's imagine not getting into a clash gig because um you can't get your padlock off what could be more frustrating than that that's this week's phoning what could be more frustrating than not getting into a clash gig because you've got a padlock round your neck?

I'm looking forward to those answers. Andy Osho has just arrived. Yeah? I don't often notice the guests arrive, but she took the trouble to wave. Did she give you a little wave? Yeah, often they just look at you like you're rubbish. But no, she was very friendly.

Andy will be with us after the 9 o'clock news. You can text us on 81215, by the way. That was a hint. Oh, I've had one of my offers come in. I like to... Sometimes I can't decide. I have an offer and I think, oh, I can't. You like to run it past us.

I like to run it past you. I've been offered... It's a big one. It's a celebrity cube. Why are you smoking? The Cube, yeah. The Cube, that ITV show.

Shiny floor. Well, then you've already put me off it. Philip Schofield's on it. Philip Schofield. Oh, Pippi's OK. Look what it's done to him. He had black hair when he started. The man's gone white. Yeah, he's had a terrible Marie Antoinette experience with the show. Yeah, well, the thing is...

Have you seen the cube, Frank? Well, bear in mind that, I mean, the background to this is I recently turned down The Magicians and Famous and Fearless, both of which, when I watched, felt like a near-death experience. You know when people say I was in a car crash and they managed to cut me out with oxyacetylene equipment and ever since then I've re-evaluated my whole life? Well, that's what it's been like, right?

And I don't want to step out of the frying pan into the foyer of ITV. Very good. So, yeah, but I haven't seen The Cube. And I've asked a couple of people about it. What do they say? Well, they like it. People do like it. What would you say, Gareth? I mean, I've seen the Celebrity Edition.

I saw Joe Swash on it. Joe Swash. I'm not doing it. OK, so what shall we talk about next? You saw who? Ricky Hatton. Well, Ricky Hatton, I don't mind. He was very competitive.

Do I want Joe Swash's sloppy seconds now if his seconds are listening of course they'll take that as a personal slight Joe Swash well exactly

Joe Swash on it I do recall him saying actually it'd be Ricky Hatton who had seconds not Joe Swash sorry unless Joe Swash

has ever been in a duel I've never heard of that oh he looks like he has I imagine if Joe Swash was in a duel you know he arrived waste ground that. Oh, he looks like he has. I imagine if Joe Swash was in a duel, you know, he arrived waist-ground first thing in the morning with flintlocks, I bet he'd have sloppy seconds.

That's what I'm thinking. Joe Swashbuckling. He did say to Pippi Schofield... Pippi? Yeah. I've worked with him. He did say to Pippi Schofield, I'm very starstruck of the cube.

He said he was starstruck of the cube. Of the cube itself. The actual physical structure that is the cube. That's an interesting thing to be starstruck about. No, if there's anything more frustrating than being locked in a padlock that's around you, it's the cube. It's lots of very irritating games.

Can you give me a par on exam? Like, you have to bounce a tiny little bouncy ball in a little, into a box. I'm doing it. I've got swash on one hand and the bouncy ball into... That's the sort of thing I do a lot. Yeah, I think you'd like it, but it's very not... You have to walk in a straight line, Frank, as well.

I can do that nowadays. I remember doing that after I did a gig somewhere, Manchester or something, and I decided I couldn't leave the dressing room until I'd thrown this rolled-up piece of sticky tape into the bin. I was there until about 10 to 12. Well, you only have nine lives. I see, do you?

You only have nine lives on the cube, yeah. So you have nine goes. And you have to choose a charity. Joe Swash chose knife crime. Knife crime? Yeah. I didn't think it was very appropriate. Knife crime?

That's a charity, knife crime. Seems to be helping the wrong people, though. Enough of it. Enough of it. Yeah. What do you do? It's spent on steel. Refining steel.

Is that what happens there? And I've already... Well, I've got something else, actually. Something else on the charity front. Listen to this. You're rustling. Oh! What have you got?

I'm not frying bacon. People at home think I'm frying bacon. I've got... My crisps are out. The crisps! My crisps are out. Ah, the crisps! My crisps are out! It's all over. Yeah, my crisps are out.

Can we eat them? I'm going to give you some in a minute. They're called Rose Frank, what are they called? Rose Dinner. Frank Rose Dinner. Frank Rose Dinner. This is part of the Comet Relief thing. I have mentioned this before, and I actually had a thing from Walker

saying, can you not mention this on air? It's top secret. Did you get told off? I didn't get told. I got told off by Walker's crisps. Can you imagine that? Oh, shame. Yeah. But I've bounced back and I was a bit crinkled for a time and slightly salted.

But yeah, I've bounced back. I think we should try. We might get some out after the news. What do you say? Sounds good. I'm up for a Frank roast dinner. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints.

Absolute Radio. I'm eating my own crisps. So we have the crisp before us. We've got the packet. The packet. I'm holding the packet. I should say, these are called Frank Roast Dinner. Yeah.

And every time you buy a packet, some money goes to Comet Relief. That is my justification for being on a crisp packet. Oh my God, that's horrific. 182 calories. I don't know if that's me in the picture. On the plus side, you look horrific. 182 calories. I thought you meant the picture. On the plus side, you look rather handsome in that picture. My picture is on the front of the packet. My packet's going a bit crinkly, so your face gets distorted.

No, my face is a bit crinkly. Those are wrinkles. Immediately after I got up. You know when sometimes you get up and your face is folded in the night under the pillow? So why didn't you donate anything to create this

it's not based on you in any way. My DNA is in this. Is it? Okay. Yeah. I'm going to taste it. I'm a bit torn though Frank.

I've heard that. You and Jimmy Carr you're meant to it's the point basically because there are four other people involved aren't there?

So you have to well three other people oh yeah it's me, Jimmy Carr Stephen Fry and Al Murray oh well that's easy enough so whose flavour

raises the most so I'm a bit torn well I love Al as well what am I going to do well you're going to have to decide who you love most oh no let's put it this way

who pays your wages oh yeah exactly friendship is one thing nice you liking them? Nice. This is a great advert for these crisps.

We won't mention the brand name again. But, yeah. Pedestrian racers. So, there's Stephen Fryop, Jimmy Con Carney, Frank Roast Dinner and Steak and Owl Pie. Those are the options. This might still be top secret, I've just realised.

But anyway, that's going to be... If you buy them, you send money to the... You probably buy a water pump. You know they always buy water pumps on... Yeah. I was on a Comet Relief trip. Don't worry, that'll make them thirsty. Yeah, exactly.

Anything. Well, that's why they need a water pump. But I went to see a water pump when I was in Burkina Faso. There was nobody there. Frank! Yeah. It just, you know, some of these water pumps in Africa, they just don't take off.

You know what I mean? Like sometimes open a ten-pin bowling alley, you know, and people just don't, they don't go. Frank, Tony in Cambridge texted in, Frank, I love Lulu in the lampshades. Enjoy your... Those crisps are really loud, Frank Sorry, I'll stop eating them now Have you ever sat next

to an open crisp packet and not eaten them? I mean, it is tortuous I'm glad you haven't torn them open No, I haven't done that No, in the egalitarian fashion Yeah, Frank, love Lulu in the Lampshades Enjoy your John Pe peel-esque choices

of music oh i like that whatever happened to raymond blanc tony in cambridge gareth well that that i think is a there's only one thing before you uh okay well our paths haven't crossed recently you know we had that very meaningful one meeting in Winchester. Yeah, you milked it for everything, that one. You met him once and did he speak? I can't remember. We spoke briefly. He mentioned Ethan, my son, and tried to give him ice cream or something.

Don't make him sound sinister. He's a charmer. Out of a shoe. It was an odd thing. So since then, your life has been, shall we say, sans blanc. That's where he's gone. Do you think I can get back in touch? Well, why don't you just hang around

the restaurant and see what happens? Seeing as you've worked with Lee Mack for about five weeks and you still haven't got his number... It's true. I really like not going out the other week, so if you could tell him. We'll pass it on. Yeah.

OK. I think that was a deliberate choice, wasn't it, by Lee, not to give you this? He's not. He's prudent. He hasn't got where he is today. I'm not being funny, but he offered it the first time. I know, that sounds awful.

I'm not saying he was doing it in an inappropriate way. And then we were introduced and told you'd be doing a radio show together. Can you do me a favour? Never on this show again say I'm not being funny. No, but I do it in an ironic way. It's what fashion people do. Duh. If people think we're not being funny, they can judge that for themselves.

We don't want a confession on air. Frank on radio frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio and the osho has joined us good morning andy morning i'm gonna give you a not everyone gets one of them really honored honored that was pretty good yeah and i discovered actually in my research in in my extensive Andy Osho research... Did someone give that to you on a bit of paper this morning? No. That your birthday is the 27th of January.

It is, yeah. See, mine is the 28th. Now, does that mean... I don't know about things astrological. Does that mean that we are similar types of people? Because we were born... Well, obviously not just a few years. similar types of people because we were born well not obviously not just a few hours a few years but as far as where the um you know the arc of the um saturnian ring thing cycle well all right what sort of tell me some of your character traits um i'm afraid of elves yeah i'm essentially anti-quaker oh my god this is really weird. Is it, eh? Yeah, yeah. And I can levitate.

No way. See? We are like people. Like sister and brother, we'll wave to each everybody. Come on then. Can I meet the people at home? Anyway, so Andy, you're on tour. Yeah, not yet.

I start on the first of Feb. Okay. Yeah. And it's called Afro Blighty. It is, yeah. Can I say, there's a thing that we have on this show called Idiotic Eureka Moments. And it's when you realise, much later than you should, what a pun is or what something means. And I've read Afro Blighty 20 times this week before i realized it was a pun on aphrodite yeah oh there we go yes i think you knew i had a sneaky system it was uh yeah well i

felt like that when i thought of it i was like oh that hello i'm gonna stop it there do you actually think that yeah i did oh that wasn't that was a proper eureka moment yeah so if someone comes to see and they will obviously af, Afro-Blighty, what should they expect? You'll be there, obviously. Yeah, I'm planning on turning up. They're expected to be talked to. I like talking to the audience and no natter,

because sometimes they don't... How do you find that, Gareth? Do they go in for that in your show? Sometimes. In my Edinburgh show, no, I didn't do much of that. Didn't have time. Had too much stuff to get through. Too many songs.

Sorry, no time. Sorry, no, no, no, no laughter. They didn't so much talk as shout. I like to have a chat, though, and get to know everybody first. I mean, not individually, not like one at a time, an interview or anything.

No. But, you know. Well, that'd be a good idea, though. Do you reckon? Just get them up on stage if you wanted to. I wonder if anyone's ever... I think I might do that for next year, then, because that means it's written.

I think Jerry, well, yeah, I think Jerry Sadovich did a TV show where he just got people on stage, interviewed them very quickly, and as soon as he got bored, he threw them off and got the next one. Had them killed. One series. Yeah. And also, you won Celebrity Mastermind. Yeah, well, as I had to point out, I won won Celebrity Mastermind.

Yeah, well, I had to point out, I won a Celebrity Mastermind. There seems to be a lot of them, so I won the Children in Need one. Well, that's perfectly fine. That's a proper bonafide. Yeah, yeah. And what was your specialist subject? The Matrix. See, that's brilliant. I just...

Someone told me that what she called Mylene Klaas, when she was on Mastermind, she did Sex in the City Season 2. Episode 18. How close would they let you... How tightly can you contract your lens on Mastermind? Could you do Last lens on Mastermind? Could you do Last Tuesday, for example?

I would love to. Could I do me? Your specialised subject is you? But how would you feel? See, that's dodgy ground, because how would you feel if you got questions wrong? That would be all right. People would think I was modest and man of the people.

And had amnesia. I could deliberately fall and bang my head on my way to the chair. Do that on the comic relief one. Anyway, this is not about me. It's about you. So you started out, Andy, as an actress, is that...? Yeah. You actually started out as a receptionist, is that right? Well, I started out as a post-production supervisor.

That was my job for sort of ten years. What does that mean? It's like, you know, like when shows get made and everything, the post-production supervisor's responsible for... TV show. Yeah, and they make sure that everything gets edited and meets broadcasting standards and all that sort of stuff. So it's kind of like a... not a technical job,

more like an operational job. I was a telling people what to do type of person. Sounds like a great job. That was your first job. Well, I worked up to it. I started out working in a post-production company and then went freelance. So you used to be

the other side of the camera. Yeah, totally. Do you think that's helped then now that you're on telly? Because the Channel 4 show is coming back, isn't it, in March? Yeah, stand up for the week.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it does, definitely. Because I think you know what's going on when you walk onto a studio floor or like on set or something you sort of know sort of what people are doing I bet they hate that I bet they hate that when you say can you put a

G711 on that camera yeah that's it because the temptation is of course to interfere with other people's jobs sort of thing yeah you need an ND filter on that mate yeah give in to that temptation that's what i say i never work again i know that i used to i used to do that thing you record a show and you go i'll cut that bit there and i just count people don't like that when they watch it back in the edit you're you're looking into camera telling them what to do they just don't like it um the idea learn something. Yeah. So that's back in March.

Just get the plugs out of the way, then we can talk about life. Oh, yeah. So the tour starts February. Yeah. And Stand Up for the Week is back on in March. Yeah. It's all going very well. All right.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The Fia, Lily Allen, Andy Oshow is with us. She used to be a receptionist. When you were a receptionist, did you have that voice? Hello, ART, how can I help you? Why does it have to be?

I couldn't do a receptionist thing but I could whistle you'd never get hired as a receptionist anyway but I think you could do it without the words da da da Andy they always say just putting you through I like that I did all that

but why does it have to be done in that tune but if you didn't people wouldn't know wouldn't understand what you're saying i think people would just freak out because we've gotten so used to it it's just it's just the law did you never challenge that um no i did i'm not really a rule breaker what was the name of the company um art surveyors hello art surveyors you're right though people would think oh my god what's happened they'd think

they'd called like an American sort of radio station hey ART coming up next you could have done that film advert

ART have a bit of fun with it I guess but I know what you mean people would be thrown and you'd

have probably been sacked but they wouldn't have known for quite a while I think I think I could have been discreet about it just yeah just all the all the orders would have dried up i'd have been suspicious i would have been long gone since then so yeah so you became an actress yes anyway yes now you did eastenders yes now i've often wondered because i imagine they're

quite a close-knit community the eastendersEnders are. What, the actors or the EastEnders? The real EastEnders. No, they're not the real EastEnders. I know they're a close-knit community. I've seen, you know, David Kossoff films in the 50s. Anyway, kid for two farthings, you can't. That's the EastEnd for me, so I never need to go there in the flesh. We have a little bit.

Yeah, exactly. The Lord above, I've read it all before, yeah. That's what they talk like, isn't it? Absolutely. I imagine that when you turn up to be an actor and you're not one of the regular cast, it can be a bit, you know, are they friendly?

They are, but in a we-know-you're-bricking-it kind of way. So some of them make a lot of effort to be very, very, very nice to you. Yeah. But it's nice. That's nicer than just sort of being ignored. But they are, you know,

it's a close-knit thing going on over there. It's difficult. Weird, actually. Yeah? Yeah. What did you apply? I've been in EastEnders four times and I was a nurse every time.

A different nurse. Oh. Wow. I'm qualified now. Were you named in it? I think I was a nurse every time. A different nurse. Oh, wow. I'm qualified now. Were you named in it? I think I was in a couple, but in a couple I wasn't. Well, you might have been the same nurse then? No, no, because I characterised her differently.

Oh, OK. Yeah, she had different needs, different motivations each time. I like the needs of the nurse. Oh, she's got needs. She's a woman still. She may be a nurse. Yeah. I'm not questioning her essential femininity.

Who did you tend as a nurse? I delivered Honey's second baby. Brilliant. And she had, there were some issues. The baby was not breathing. Was it not the Blue Peter Labrador? No. I also boxed up the Blue Peter Turtle as well.

Oh, that was No, yes, the baby wasn't breathing I tried to resuscitate Oh, so you were a heroic figure Well, come on now, it's just a job I love that you've adopted that noble thing Yeah, well, you know And what else did you, what was your other nursing?

Well, I did two babies because um max uh oscar you know the max is uh obviously because you're a big fan of these things um his um child was born um but it was too late to get to the hospital so i was his midwife so to ring me up so i had to tell him what to do over the phone oh i see it's one of those like when when when a plane is uh when the pilot collapses and they have to phone in and say it's the red lever on your left, it was like that. Yeah, something like that, but with a bit more squidgy, yeah. Yeah, and towels and hot water, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. You've seen the film.

OK. Well, I think that's brilliant. I mean, it is, at the end of the day, a national institution, EastEnders. It has become a very miserable national institution. There's so many of those, aren't there? Take, for example, Her Majesty the Queen. Yes, I played a nurse once for her. She means she had no idea. I just, I found a white coat in the closet.

I just went in and, and dealt with her. Piles. Yeah. That's all right. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, that was Trophy Wife.

Frank, Andy won't try your roast dinner crisps. I know, what is it with you? You're one of these crazy women who... You're such a dobber. I know. I told on you. If you're on a diet or something like that, you won't eat crisps.

It's the flavour. It's for comet relief. Eat it. Eat it. It feels wrong to eat crisps for starving Africans. It's not really... Why? Well, they're starving.

Yeah, but, you know, we're sending them a couple of boxes. Well, so is Jimmy Carr, but we're still eating his crisps. I'm not eating his crisps. I'm going to point that out. Your one's the only one that doesn't sort of play... make a play on words of your name. Yeah, it... Frank Roast... I've never had a Frank Roast.

Frank Roast Dinner. Oh, Dinner Skinner. It's idiotic, you really come out of it. Aye. Yes. Oh. There, there. That is quality, that.

Yeah. Shall I have one? I might... Go on, have one. Oh, God. Meanwhile, we had milton jones on last week and he was telling us about when he did a nightmarish gig and uh and jeremy clarkson heckled him well i read that you you hosted um funny women which is uh which is a stand-up show for female uh comics isn't it and um a fight, a physical fight broke out.

What on earth did you do to cause such a ruckus? Why is it me? Why do you think it was me? It was a guy. He turned up. He was off his nut. He was so drunk. But he was in a suit and everything.

It's a common combination, isn't it? It was just too early in the evening for that type of... It was half past seven that the show started, and he kicked off about eight o'clock. And, yeah, so they had to get the... What do you call them? You know, the... Security?

No, the ones that... Militia? Guards, I call them. Pretend police. Guards. The tent police. Oh, community support officers. Community support officers.

The pretend police. Oh, yeah, the pretend police. Like the Hobby Bobbies, or whatever they call them. And they got a couple of them in, and then the real police turned up, and they literally had to physically carry him out of the... Were you on stage at the time? Yeah, and I was trying to carry on, but you literally looked out, and everybody was watching what was going on.

Fair enough. And then apparently some woman went from the audience, she went, Andy, Andy, he said, just before they took him out, leave me alone, I'm trying to watch the film. That's quite drunk. Yeah. I went to a thing in Birmingham once, in Cannon Hill Park, and there was a man wrestling a bear in a boxing ring.

It was quite a big thing. And a big dog fight happened. Two dogs started fighting at the back, and everyone turned and watched that. There was a man wrestling a bear with no one looking at him. Now, you'd think... It's just that we didn't believe the man. We didn't believe there was going to be true bloodshed from the bear.

Whereas the dogs... Yeah, the dogs, you knew they meant it. They were for real. I think that was a moment when I realised that reality TV was the future. You're also a Reiki practitioner. Yes. Now, is that like a head massage? No, no.

Oh. It doesn't necessarily involve touching. Okay. So you could do it from the other side of the desk. You can... You're not doing it now, are you? Could be. No, you have to ask permission.

Oh, okay. But some people do it remotely. What is it? You have to ask permission. That rules you out, Frank. no you have to ask permission you can't just yeah but some people do it remotely what do you see what is the mission that rules you out frank and you have to train to you have to train you just sort of your energy system is aligned to reiki energy so that you can you become a conduit for it for the person that you're healing okay um doesn't that mean you contain salt and pepper so um what how do you become a practitioner, though? You must have... How do you learn? You do two... Do you get a certificate?

Yeah, but it's just to say that you have had your energy systems aligned by a Reiki master, and then you do level one and then a level two version of that. But in between one and two, you want to have done lots of practice. So what would... If I got Reikiaked, is that what you'd call it? Yeah, go on, why not? What would the benefit be for me? It depends what's going on with you.

How are you feeling today? I feel fantastic. I'm eating my own crisps. Does life get any better than that? You're eating crisps with your face on it. Yeah. I mean, not the actual individual crisps. I wish they'd done that.

That would have been good. Oh, man, that would have been so good. I don't know how they would have done it, with paprika or something and a stencil. Yeah, but my problem... That's a good method. The trouble is, you know when you did the last crumb, the crumb slide at the end? Yeah, yeah.

There would be eyes and ears and nostrils. And I find the crumb slide is always a little bit too salty. It sort of spoils the overall enjoyment of the whole... Oh, it's my favorite band is it really maybe it's the crisps i'm eating like kettle chips and and mccoy's salt flavored oh yes yeah basically so if i if i wanted to be reiki healed would i would i have to pay you for it um not me i don't charge oh you don't know because when you do reiki healing you yourself as a as a practitioner experience the healing energy of reiki as well oh so it's a two-way

street oh hell yeah oh okay yeah well actress reiki practitioner receptionist stand-up comedian can i help you yeah is that what you say with the Reiki? Yeah, why not? I'm a Reiki practitioner. Can I align your energies? So the tour begins in Stockton. It does. Living the dream, rock and roll. Yeah, come on. Get out to the people.

And that'll be February the 1st, is it? February the 1st. And your Stand Up for the Week Channel 4 show is back in March. This is correct. Okay, well, it's all going rather well, I think, for Andy, our show. It's lovely to see you. And you. And good luck for the tour.

And are you doing London? No. Might be. Might be. Looking at a London date, but nothing confirmed just yet. Well, if you do, I'll come. I'll pay. Oh, no, no, no.

Just a two-way thing, you know, tickets for your show or something of equivalent value. OK, fair enough. Maybe I can do some Swahilian head massage. Or some crisps. I would take crisps, actually. You'd take crisps? Yeah, yeah.

Hold on a minute. Here you go. I'll have two tickets. Hey, 15 packets of crisps this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Frank you'd have the very grumpy face then if they'd have had that on your roast Skinner dinner crisps they wouldn't be flying off the shelves that's all I'm saying yes are they flying off the shelves?

well they will be I think those are the Gareth Richards chicken wing crisps you're talking about there's nothing on a chicken wing either i know it's essentially it's like eating i think it's like eating one of those bows that you play a violin with you can imagine a meat version of that it's like eating the got off a violin bow. Eating a chicken wing. Quite hairy as well. You are. Anyway, so there's been a bit of a...

Feathery of anything. Feathery. Fluffy. Stop it, you two. There's a downy. There's been a bit of a kerfuffle in the House of Commons this week. Now, we can't actually give the details of what was said, but the Speaker of the House, David... Is it David Bercow? It is David, isn't it?

Isn't it John? Oh, John, yeah. He's one of your favourites. Don't pretend like you don't know him. You were sucking up to him. That night we went to the House of Commons, you were all over him. I just spoke to him. I was all over him. He was only about five foot one. I couldn't help but don't know him. You were sucking up to him. That night we went to the house, you were all over him. I just spoke to him. I was only about five foot one.

I couldn't help but be all over him. It was like talking to a bollard. Anyway, he... Incidentally, do you remember the baby burko? The baby burko? The baby burko used to be a small sort of mini washing machine. Oh. It didn't twirl, it just heated.

But you used to put baby's nappies in to clean them. Oh, really? Do you remember the baby burko? Well, the smallest man could use it as a washing machine. Yeah, he could use it as an isolation bath, whatever they call them. Yeah, he could. It would just about fit in. It's called the baby burko.

bath, whatever they call them. Yeah, he could. He would just about fit in. It's called a baby burko. In the days when people used to wash nappies, rather than leave them on the side of the road, full of excrement, which is what people think. They think that's all right to do. Yeah? Then

people used to, they used to wash them, wash the, you know, empty them, as it were, and then wash them in a baby burko. I just wonder if he's part of the burko, the same, emptied them, as it were, and then washed them in a baby burqa. I just wondered if he's part of the burqa, the same burqa. Anyway, apparently what I didn't know is that when the Speaker walks through the halls of the House of Commons, if you see him coming the other way,

you're supposed to turn away, get out of his way and face away from him out of respect. Like Ben Jones does to you. Yeah, I think that's just because he hates me. Or Barry Manilow. Barry Manilow used to insist that when he walked on stage... Oh, you can't look at him. No, when he walked on stage, the stagehands and everyone had to turn and face the war. Wow. I think Mariah Carey as well. Don't look at him. No, when he walked on stage, everybody, the stagehands and everyone, had to turn and face the war.

Wow. I think Mariah Carey as well. Don't look back in anger. Yeah, I met them... That is weird, isn't it, that there's rules like that? I met them that they have to face me, but they have to stay still, even if I look really, really, really close,

and just put a little finger of that an inch into their nostril. They can't move, they just have to look at me. But the man said to him, you're not swear word royalty. Yeah. I say swear word royalty. I mean, to Mr Speaker, he wouldn't have said that to... What I like was, after the argument,

the Speaker said, well, a good morning to you, sir. Which I thought was a brilliant riposte. Like a Victorian riposte. The next time somebody swears at me that's what i'm going to say about so they might think they've actually brought out a t-shirt i noticed with that on oh have they something it says like uh mr speaker you're not oh swear word royalty and no comma after mr speaker that's outrageous so So the House of Commons but certainly not the House of Commas. I'll say certainly

not the House of Crisps. Anyone? I find it very odd that there's this whole t-shirt industry going on in the Houses of Parliament. They get t-shirts printed. My MP fiddled his expenses and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Things like that.

The idea of an MP in a T-shirt disgusts me. It's very regional jumble sale. They need to be in suits. It's like when they choose Arctic monkeys on Desert Island Discs. Just, you know, oh no. Anyway, Sarah Millican's our guest next week. That'll be lovely. Your Twitter friend.

Oh, we've been tweeting a lot. It's about brass. Stop it. And Not The Weekend podcast will be available from Wednesday. That is a podcast which is completely separate from this show. You can only hear it on the internet. And what about that? And Ben Jones is up next.

Is there any other business I have to deal with? I'm on my way to watch West Bromwich Albion play Blackpool. Ben Jones is averting his gaze from you, like the speakers. I haven't even met his gaze. Where are they? I thought he did the show on his own. Oh, well, I look forward. Anyway, Ben's next, and goodbye.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio.