The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Chris Addison

Episode Date: October 30, 2010

Frank tells Emily and Gareth about a recent traumatic experince and a leftfield celebrity spot, plus Chris Addison is this weeks guest who chats about The Thick of It, his latest tour and writing on TFI Friday.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio. Hoorah! What a fabulous start.

That was B-O-S-T-O-N by Blur, but not by Blur as in Damon Thingy. Damon Altman. But B-L-E-U, you see, and that's from his new album Blur 4, which I've never heard of him before. Somebody sent me this CD and I just loved it. Don't you know? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth.

Chris Addison is our guest today. He's a funny man. Oh, yeah, I like him. He was on the Oscars with his movie. Very young looking. Very young looking, but don't hate him for that, Em. I do. And you can text us don't hate him for that, Em. I do. And you can text us on 8-12-15 about anything except aeronautics.

That's this morning's taboo subject. So that was Emma, our producer, laughing in the background. Her contract must be coming up for renewal. She's the other taboo subject, because she and I are having an SDN this morning. Oh yeah, they are dressed exactly the same. Same dress nightmare. It's awful. It looks like a polygamist thing

going on here. Same cardigan, same t-shirt, same jeans. Different labels though. Anyway. As I said before, I feel like Lorraine Kelly saying, see it looks just as good from the hastily chopped. But yes. As I said before, I feel like Lorraine Kelly saying, see, it looks just as good from the haste fit shops. But, yes, actually,

polygamists don't get their wives to dress the same, do they? Yes, they do. Do they? Yes, I've seen them in America and certain states. I think that's just multiple weddings, you're thinking. No, they do. Oh, no. There are different versions of a frog. You'd have to have different sizes and that's going to be...

That's going to be the awkward moment. Anyway, talking of appearance, which obviously I love doing, Frank, you're still sporting a bit of guy-liner, if I may say. Yes, I hadn't heard the phrase guy-liner before. But yeah, I went... Shall I explain? I went to a Halloween party last night and I thought I'd make a tiny effort. So I put some... Well, I got my girlfriend to do my eye-ease, as they say. I rather... Gareth and i were

invited you made it sound like we weren't but we were there well as you didn't make any effort to look how i didn't bother mentioning it uh so i i did that thing i i sort of put red bright lit blight the lipstick has stopped me from speaking i put bright red lipstick on and then I rubbed it across my face deliberately. Was that deliberate? Yeah, I sort of looked like the Joker's dad. If you can imagine the Joker's dad. In fact, I've been told a few people that I'd come as the Joker's dad. I then got slightly obsessed with the idea of the Joker's dad having the smeared make-up and saying,

yeah, he was a strange kid, I'll be honest with you. Very morose, which for our family is unheard of. He's from the West Midlands, the Joker's dad. I don't know if you knew that. I don't explain some things, I think. Oh, does he? Yeah. So Gareth went as Gareth.

And I came as... You wore a plait on your hair. Oh, it was a good plait, though. As if that was a big gothic famous monster thing. No, a lot of men came up to me and said, what have you come as? I said, your worst nightmare. Fair enough. That's a Halloween theme, for God's sake.

I'll go with that. Speaking of nightmares, I was on, I'm not saying this in any, I was on Have I Got News For You. Not this week, the week before. You were very good on that, actually. Oh, thank you so much. Is there a contract coming up as well? Must be the whole lot come in a big lump. So I'm not very keen on watching myself on the telly.

I'm particularly unkeen on watching myself on the telly with other people around me because I tend, if they miss a gag or something, I tend to rewind. And suddenly you've got attention in the room, do you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. So I missed the original showing, but last Saturday I was with my girlfriend, her sister, and their mum. So all three Masons were gathered together. I thought I'd explain that,

because I didn't want to say I was watching it with the Masons. You imagine if we were doing odd handakes and I was dressed in entrails. So, you know that extra, the 45-minute version of I've Got News For You? That was on on Saturday. We watched X Factor, obviously. I'd already been shushed during the Wagner interview. Shushed, just in case Wagner said something that, you know, that we missed.

So I was a bit on edge, as it was. And then I was going to be on, so I thought, well, we'll sit and watch. I said, you know, I'll make the effort, it'll be nice. And my girlfriend says, oh, I quite fancy watching the Cheryl Cole. Could we take you and watch the Cheryl Cole on P.S. Morgan? Well, I mean, I said, no, we'll tape Cheryl Cole.

And then it's become an issue. And then you sit down with a sort of, there's an angry vibe. Yes, exactly. Anyway, the show came on and might I say I looked absolutely terrible. I didn't need any make-up for the hell. I did. I looked like, I looked like, if you could imagine Hellraiser without the pins. I looked so old and terrible when I did. I looked like, if you could imagine Hellraiser without the pins. I looked so old and terrible when I came.

Perhaps Hellraiser just thought he goes to bed. Don't be so hard on yourself. You could imagine a small pile of pins on Hellraiser's dressing table and he thinks that's me on bed now. Little night cream. I looked terrible. Anyway, five minutes into the show, both my girlfriend and her sister were

fast asleep fast asleep and their mom was um laughing trying to laugh for three really overconfidence it was a nightmare i'm just talking about it now i've shriveled at my very inner limits is Is that a phrase? Oh, God, I nearly pressed a jingle. What larks. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Never mind that, we've just had a text in saying M25 shot clockwise at Junction 20. Well, I think they've got the wrong person. Yeah, so if you're on the M25, well, can you do what you're making? Junction 20, get off before that. If it's shot from Junction 20, surely it's shot at 21, and eventually it's shot back at 19 if you keep going round and round. Don't talk to me about roads past Junction 1.

I don't know where they take you. Anyway, that's some big news we've just received on 8-12. But no aeronautics. That's not aeronautics. No, no, it's fine on aeronautics. That's OK. We've had an email from Mike. He said, my friend, it's my collection. There was a pause there, like there was going to be a surname and I ate it.

That's like when somebody gets the intonation wrong on the football results. No, it was like he was famous and he thought better of it. Like maybe it was Mike Batts. Oh, okay, if you're being discreet.

Mike Batts could be. Mike Smith. It's Mike Smith. It's about collections. That's aeronautics, isn't it? It's in the ballpark. Oh, God. Carry on.

My friend used to have a collection of garden birds which he kept in his shed. Dead or alive? He used to catch them in the back garden with a bread bin perched on top of an old wooden clothes peg. Oh, God, we're used to this. Back attached to a long piece

of string. Well, not with a bread bin. I don't think we had a bread bin. Obviously, we had a bucket of water for the milk. But now we used to use the old man's riddle. I don't mean my first is in fish, but not in star. I mean, he used to... You know when you riddle soil? When you're panning for gold.

Funnily enough, no. Well, you riddle soil to get... I know when you paint your nails. Yeah, well, he didn't do that. My dad, his nails were all black from industrial accidents. Nevertheless, so we used to get his riddle, and we used to get a bit of stick, and then fish entwined, fed down the garden,

put a little bit of bread under the riddle, the birds would arrive. My brother, he had like 20 wild birds in a cage. Did he? Is that our key? There was an owl, a couple of uh blackbirds about 20 sparrows all crammed you know shoulder to shoulder yeah you know when the tube you know the rush hour on the tube it was like that was it like in japan when a man pushes them with a stick yeah exactly we had we had a magpie doing that on the outside with an armband so well more of a wing band so

that people could now can i say um if anyone's listening it's not a good thing to do but we remember this was the 1960s strokes would like be the 60s so you know we didn't know we didn't know any better we thought smoking was all right and everything next um he said i had another friend who had a scrapbook with a collection of page three girls in it but then he also had every Status Quo album that had been produced. Hold on. He had every Status Quo album that had been produced and all the

2000 AD comics from the first edition. He's from Birmingham, is he, this bloke? Come on, he's got a Page Three girl scrapbook. Every 2000 AD comic and every Status Qu quo album. I think I have a mental picture of this chap.

That'll be Steve, will it? Steve from Digbeth. I think I know him. He tried to sell his collection to me once, but I turned him down. Wished I'd bought the comics, but he wouldn't split up the deal. I love that he wouldn't split up the deal. Yeah, it's a job lot or nothing.

I wonder what's happened now. I mean, I can't imagine what kind of man would keep a scrapbook at page three, girls. And a Status Quo album. Still. And what's the positive point of putting them together? I mean, I don't think that adds to the value. Well, like I say, you will find a person who would definitely...

I mean, you know, they're out there. In fact, 38-year-old male, black T-shirt, I think most of them are listening to Absolute. The bids will come flooding in. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an invitation. Well, I say we. It was actually addressed to Ben Jones, I've now seen.

Well, that's a little previous. Hi, Ben. I know it's a bit cheeky. Ben Jones will be here at ten o'clock on Absolute Radio. But I'm part of the East Kent Historical Organisation and we're putting on a free family show at the Sherin Coulter Field in Herne Bay tonight. And Ben's been invited tonight? Free for all the family, yeah.

You'll be there, don't worry. There's real Vikings fighting, real zombies. You'll be tonight. And Ben's been invited tonight. Free for all the family. Yeah. You'll be there, don't worry. There's real Vikings fighting. My money says he's free. Oh, you'll be free. And a burning village. A burning village? Yeah. Oh, dear.

Don't like the sound of that. Real Vikings and real zombies. East Kent is famous for zombies. Yeah. And Ben's been invited. No invite to us, you know. No, we're not invited. It's only Ben Jones.

I've got, you know, I've got things on. So, uh, what the telly never got 3d telly i don't go out much to be honest no need 3d you know the world is 3d so it needs to go and um i did go out though i went to the theater yes and um you know one of my favorite things is is spotting not like your big star celebrities like Madonna, I like the people who are a bit more, people who you see and you think, oh, God, and then you go straight home and get on Wikipedia.

Oh, I know those ones. Yeah, I'm calling them sort of wiki faces. Oh, I like it, a bit wacky races. Yeah. Wiki faces. Oh, I like it. A bit wacky races. Yeah. Wicky faces. Wicky faces. For example, Linda Barron was in the play. I love Linda Barron. Linda Barron.

You know, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel. It's not often you see bumpers like that on a Murmur. Maurice Minor, she was in it. Michelle Detrice. Oh, yes. Who I like to call Ubeti. Now, Roy Detrice's daughter. Yes. And she was who I like to call Ubeti. Now, Roy DeTrees' daughter, and she was married to the Equaliser as well.

Was she really? Yeah, she was. The late Equaliser. The late Equaliser. Was it stoppage time? Oh, right! And... That's an awesome joke. So fabulously. It's had rehearsed, isn't it? But no one will ever know the beautiful

sponsor of it. It'sed, didn't it? But no one will ever know the beautiful spontaneity of it. It's gone now, let it lie. I saw her outside of a theatre recently. You know, in Keeping Up Appearances, Hyacinth Bouquet's neighbour. Oh, yes, I do know. And she was, people were taking

pictures with her and she looked very tired and harried. Oh. I wanted to go up to her and say, When you say harried, do you mean she was ginger and dressed as a Nazi? Oh, God. Well, I... But what about this... Switchboard's lighting up again. But what about this for a

wicky face? Who did I meet at the party? Cecil Parkinson. Oh, I love him. Come on, get in, I said when I met him. Can I just say... In case you don't know, he was...

What was he, Minister of Transport or something? Oh, Minister of something or other. In the Thatcher government. He had a bit of a scandal. He did have a scandal, but I didn't bring that up. Oh, good boy. He was something for me, I thought. Very me.

I tell you, he's in great shape. He must be 70. He's in immaculate shape thought. Very me. I tell you, he's in great shape. He must be 70. He's in immaculate shape. A little bit oleaginous. I don't know oleaginous. Is he the bloke who was in Back to the Future 2? But I tell you who else was there.

Louis Spence and Jason from Dancing on Ice. The Argonauts. Jason from Dancing... Oh, yes,gonauts. Jason from Dancing... Oh, yes, I think I know him. Has he had the bad teeth work done? Yes, I think so.

I don't know. I think he's a homosexualist, a famous high-profile homosexual. Yeah. And I thought, there's two people who are destined to be wicky faces. But they're not quite... They're still in the moment.

They're still in their glow. But it's all right. I mean, I've gone slightly wiki face myself. I think it's an OK place to be. But Cecil Parkinson, what a... I mean, I'm going to put a points thing for wiki faces. He's like the old I Spy books. He's got to be a seven.

What about Jeff Brazier, Passport Control Mexico? That was my spot once. is he's like the old i spy books he's got to be he's got to be a seven what about um jeff brazier passport control mexico that was my spot one well that's good a good context as well good perhaps extra points for context i'm thinking yeah i saw a guy on the tube and i thought i know him and he looked like a student and i thought i must have done a gig that he was organizing or but i feel like i know him really well. How do I...? And he was one of the people on The Junior Apprentice. Oh. I nearly went up and said, but that would have been not good.

No. What? He'd have loved it. I would have said, do I know you? And he would have said, oh, I was on The Junior Apprentice. And I would have gone, well, yeah. I was on The Junior Apprentice once. No, you weren't.

Yeah. Yeah, she's... She didn't tell anyone. Oh, God. I'm terribly sorry, everyone. At least I didn't do that thing about the bacon slice. Anyway, so you can text us on 8-12-15 about anything. Maybe you've met a wiki face in an odd little place.

Yeah. That you can tell us about. And Chris Addison has our guest today. What other news? Oh, yeah, Junction 20 on the M25 is still shot. In fact, it's partly open now. You could get a pushbike down there. But not a full-blown automobile.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, you know you were talking about wiki faces earlier. Oh, I certainly was. We've had a text in. Someone's got their very own wicky face. Chris Biggins walked into my dad's funeral by mistake. Oh, God.

That is a wicky face enough. Oh, so many things are wrong with that. A very solemn occasion. Perhaps the least solemn person in the world. The man least associated with seriousness on the planet. And Chris Biggins. I like the familiar. Yeah, very familiar. He obviously stayed for a sandwich.

Got quite friendly with him. He might have seen some champagne. He loves the champagne. But was he actually looking for another funeral? I mean, you know, he could have been dressed up. Maybe he's a bit of an ambulance chaser. He just likes to party with an atmosphere. Yeah. Well, there was a bit of an ambulance chaser. He just likes to party with an atmosphere. Yeah. Well, there was a bit of an atmosphere when Chris Biggins turned up.

Still, safaris are good, eh? Oh. Paul from Essex said, I'm Lisa Benjamin from EastEnders. But Lucy Benjamin, darling, not Lisa. Oh, I messed up the whole thing. See, that's the problem with being a wicky face. People get your name wrong. Go on, Lucy Benjamin. I know her, yeah.

She once shot Phil Mitchell doing her big shop in Tesco's. She once saw Phil Mitchell. No, she once shot. I like she once shot Phil Mitchell. Just the once. Was it, there was only need for Paul to qualify it with the once. Shopping where? Doing her big shop in Tesco's.

Oh, her big shop. She hadn't just nipped in with a basket on the forearm. Not a corner shop. Oh, I'd like to see what Lucy Benjamin's big shop entailed. I once saw Henry Kelly, the host of Going for Gold, in a pub near Hampstead. He was significantly taller than he looked on TV. The pub served a nice pint of Guinness too, Paul in Glasgow.

Well, he's Irish, of course course so it's all fallen into place I wonder if he'd have the courage in the context of being out on his own in a pub to say to someone what am I? you're really laying yourself open aren't you? I must say

oh sorry can I read this wiki face? I saw a rather embarrassed Carl Howman waiting outside the changing rooms in John Lewis, Blue Water, Nicola from Bexley wasn't he in changing rooms? he was a brush strokes man Carl Howman waiting outside the changing rooms in John Lewis, Blue Water, Nicola from Bexley. Wasn't he in changing rooms? He was Brushstrokes Man, Carl Howman. Carl Howman. Do you remember him?

What is changing rooms? Oh, yes, oh. The Brushstrokes Man. And, oh, Frank, I know how you'll know him. He does that dazzling... I know him. I went to Africa with him. Did you?

Not just me and him. Oh. Yeah. Me and him went out there lion hunting. It was fabulous. Do you know who he looks like now? He looks like the guy on Celebrity Masterchef.

The Masterchef who has the glasses and the grocery. What, Raymond Blanc? No, not Raymond Blanc. I thought you were moving. I thought that was going to be a sly one about to get it in. Oh, he likes to get them in. I thought it was going to be that. No, not Ravenclaw. I thought you were moving. I thought that was going to be a sly one about to get it in. Oh, he likes to get him in.

I thought it was going to be that. But no, the bloke with glasses on MasterChef, of course, God, not even a face, just a description, a wiki description, that's not going to work at all. Yeah, I... I'll tell you what I thought would be a nice thing to introduce on the show. A sort of a reasons to be cheerful. Reasons to be cheerful.

You know when something just happens in life and you think, oh, and you feel all warm. The jingles are flying all over the place today. Oh, John Jingle. You know, we're getting near Christmas. Yeah. And I passed two homeless people sitting on the street. Oh, that's a reason to be cheerful. Yeah, they had, like, can each, and they both looked a bit like they were no strangers to their own urine. I'll be straight with you.

I mean, they weren't like the sort of... You know, you get some homeless people who look like they could be just collecting an MTV award, and you think, well, you've got more expensive trainers on than I have. You're getting no money. Make an effort. Make an effort. Well, in fairness, most people have more expensive trainers on than you have. Well, anyway, these two guys were hardcore. And as I went past,

one was saying to the other, you know, I must say I really enjoy your company. And I love that. That really made me very cheerful indeed. So thanks if you'll listen, you won't be. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you know you were talking about wicky faces earlier. Oh, I certainly was. We've had a text in. Someone's got their very own wicky face. Chris Biggins walked into my dad's funeral by mistake. Oh, God. That is a wicky face and a heart.

Oh, so many things are wrong with that. A very solemn occasion. Perhaps the least solemn person in the world. The man least associated with seriousness on the planet. And Chris Biggins. I like the familiar. Not Christopher. Yeah, very familiar. He obviously stayed for a sandwich.

Got quite friendly with him. He might have seen some champagne. He loves the champagne. But was he actually looking for another funeral? I mean, you know, he could have been dressed up. Maybe he's a bit of an ambulance chaser. He just likes a party with an atmosphere. Yeah. Well, there was a bit of an atmosphere when Chris Biggins turned up.

Still, safaris are good, eh? Oh! Paul from Essex said, I'm Lisa Benjamin from EastEnders. But Lucy Benjamin, darling, not Lisa. Oh, I messed up that one. See, that's the problem with being a wicky face. People get your name Benjamin from EastEnders. Lucy Benjamin, darling. Not Lisa. I messed up the whole thing. See, that's the problem with being a wicky face.

People get your name wrong. Go on, Lucy Benjamin. I know her. She once shot Phil Mitchell. Doing her big shop in Tesco's. She once saw Phil Mitchell. No, she once shot. I like she once shot Phil Mitchell.

Just the once. Was it? There was only need for Paul To qualify it with the wants. Shopping where? Doing her big shop in Tesco's. Oh, her big shop. She hadn't just nipped in with a basket on the forearm. Not a corner shop.

I'd like to see what Lucy Benjamin's big shop entailed. I once saw Henry Kelly, the host of Going for Gold, in a pub near Hampstead. He was significantly taller than he looked on TV. The pub served a nice pint of Guinness too, Paul in Glasgow. Well, he's Irish of course, so it's all fallen into place. I wonder if he'd have the courage in the context of being out on his own in a pub to say

to someone, what am I? You're really laying yourself open, aren't you? I must say. Oh, sorry, can I read this wiki face? Yeah. I saw a rather embarrassed Carl Howman waiting

outside the changing rooms in John Lewis, Blue Water, Nicola from Bexley. Wasn't he in changing rooms?

He was a brush strokes man, Carl Howman. Carl Howman. Do you remember him? What is changing

rooms? Oh, yes, oh. The brush strokes man. And, oh,

Frank, I know how you'll know him. He does that dad. I know him. I went to Africa with him.

Did you? Not just me and him. Oh. Yeah. Me and him went out there lion hunting. It was fabulous. Do you know who he looks like now? He looks like the guy on Celebrity MasterChef,

MasterChef, who has the glasses and the grocery. What, Raymond Blott? No, not Raymond Blott. I thought you were moving. I thought that was going to be a sly omen about to get it in. Oh, he likes to get him in. I thought it was going to be that. But no, the bloke with glasses on MasterChef, of course.

God, not even a face, just a description. A wiki description. That's not going to work at all. Yeah, I I'll tell you what I thought would be a nice thing to introduce on the show. A sort of a reasons to be cheerful. Reasons to be cheerful. You know, we know when something just happens in life and you think, oh, and you feel all warm.

The jingles are flying all over the place today. I love John and Jingle. You know, we're getting near Christmas. Yeah? And I passed two homeless people sitting on the street. Oh, that's reason to be cheerful. Yeah, they had like can each and they both looked a bit

like they were no strangers to their own urine. I'll be straight with you. You know, you get some homeless people who look like they could be just collecting an MTV award and you think, well, you've got more expensive trainers on than I have. You get no money. Make an effort. Make an effort. Well, think, well you've got more expensive trainers on than I have, you're getting no money make an effort, make an effort. Well in fairness most people have more expensive trainers on than you have

Well exactly, anyway these two guys were hardcore and as it went past one was saying to the other, you know I must say I really enjoy your company and I I love that That really made me very cheerful indeed, so thanks if you listen you won't be.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest minty show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Talk Coldplay. That's... Computer love. Computer... Isn't it?

It's a sample from... Who is it? Kraftwerk. Frank, can I text in from Rayan Nottingham, who's one of my regular clients? Hi, guys. I was hoping you could help me. My beautiful Lakeland Terrier was scared off last night by a firework.

Oh. As an avid listener of the show, I was hoping you could put a notice out and try and help me find him. Oh! As an avid listener of the show, I was hoping you could put a notice out and try and help me find him. I don't know if he listens to the show, but oh, the poor little dog. He will be listening, but there might be people in Nottingham

who see a terrier. If you see a terrier going past, wrestle it to the ground. If it's a lake land, if it's a Staffordshire bull, I'd stay well back. Yeah, well, let's hope. Keep us in contact with that, right?

Let's hope he's not heading for Junction 20, the M25, or he's going to have a bit of a bad luck. He'll be at the entrance going... Just scratching at the exit. There you go, if you're leaving the M25 on a Lakeland Terrier, that's the experience you'll be having. Garrett's holding up a piece of newspaper. It's like Neville Chamberlain.

It's like being back in our old toilet in the 1960s. Go on. I've got... Jedward said some funny things this week. They always say funny things. They're funny, Jedward. They're very funny. We should get them on, do you think?

We should. If we could have Jedward on, I think it would be... Who's saying it like, I had a dream, I have a dream? If we could have Jedward on, I think it would be... Who's saying it like, I had a dream, I have a dream? If we could have Jedward on... Peace in our time. Yeah. I've got a quote from them. We don't need a girlfriend, says John.

Edward adds, having a girlfriend would be like cheating on our fans. That girl would become endangered. Yeah. I like that, they're self-sacrificial. But weren't they being bullied at Heathrow Airport that was what I read about them this week they were complaining about airport security

they said that they were mocked and derided they were mocked and derided they tried to get one of them to take their trousers off I can understand why there'd be a hazard at the security but also mock derided someone made them take their trousers off. Welcome to my world, honey. Yeah, but you...

You take the shoe bomber. I mean, you could get some extensive explosives in those things that they wear. The high trainer. Oh, that's true. Or you could get an armour light. They're a walking security alert. Well, they should have a route through the hair as well,

because you could... Yeah, in that quiff. Well, they should have a route through the hair as well, because you could yeah, in that quiff. The amount of gel, I mean, if I tried to take a porcupine on a commercial flight, I'd be stopped at your degree, because there's an argument that I could maybe threaten a stewardess with it.

You know, get Neil on her chest and hold the quill. A couple of spines in the face. Yeah, quill to the throat. You could do that. I reckon you could hijack a plane with either John or Edward. Just hold them, you know, so they're head first. I mean, what about when you're in the dinghies? Oh, yeah. You don't want them leaning back.

Of course, if the plane goes down, we'd all have hair like Jed would, so... They said they're being unnecessarily searched and they're having to... But we all have to do these things. We all have to put our boots in the tray. I hate the tray. Don't you hate the tray they give you? I don't like the tray. I don't like the... It's like some 1950s prison you put slop on. Surely they must have something more sophisticated than that old grey tray.

I don't like handing over my shoes as well without getting a pair of bowling shoes back. That just seems morally incorrect to me. And taking out the laptop separately. Why do we have to do that? You've got an x-ray machine. We don't have to take things out of the bag. That's the whole idea.

And that has to go in another tray. And then you get the mini tray, more like a Petri dish, where you put all your jewels. For loose change. No, that's for my jewels. Oh, for your jewels? Yeah. They make you put jewels in there.

Do they? Yeah. i don't really travel with jewels normally and then a tiny little bag to put all your stuff how do you fit any stuff in that bag em the plazzy bag you must have so much stuff i can't prepare i think you carry more than 100 milliliter of fluid yeah so what do they do with the jewels are they the jewels well they have to put them so i don't know what presumably because they'll set off the alarm does somebody judge jewels terribly sorry everyone um anyway uh chris addison is our guest today and you can text us at 8 12 15 and apparently junction 20 uh clockwise on the M25 is it's still, it's shut but

they've got, it's not so much shut there's a beaded curtain over the exit and it goes sort of when you drive through it and you know it's not one of those that's just the linen strips. That's a great idea that would be better than speed bumps, it would make you slow down wouldn't it? Because you know there could

for all you know, there could be a line of schoolchildren crossing not two feet behind it, so you'd have to be careful. Frank, I love the beaded curtain idea. Well, there you go. If the Ministry of Transport are listening, I'm happy to just give that up for the people. We only have this except... This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Crowded house. It's only natural. Oh, God, I've used that line a few times. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and Chris Addison is our guest this morning. He'll be along soon. Oh, yeah, I like him.

And you like them all. You like the boys, let's face it. I don't like them all, actually. Who don't you like? Let's not go there. Okay. I've got time for that. So, yeah.

Crowded house. I was on a crowded train this week. No, you see. Oh! He went a bit Titch Martian. But that's good. We don't have enough of that kind of stuff on this show. Slickness is what we need.

Yeah. That's what's holding us back. You were on a crowded train. Yes. How was that? Well, it was half term. So all the kids, everyone had their kids out. Right.

Oh, great. And there was a very harassed parent. What time of the day was this? It would have been, it was the morning. It would have been about 11 o'clock. Okay. I think we've got a picture of it. Set the scene.

Picture, if you will. What route? What route were you on? From, I got on at Bournemouth And going into Waterloo Is that Bowmo? We call it Bowmo The 1022

I call it Wolo From Bournemouth Oh I meant Waterloo Wolo Wolo yeah Wolo sunset Yeah No that

We should all call it that From now on Anyway Back to the narrative You see He drips away If you let it If you leave a gap

You'll drip straight down it. I want to get back to Carriage F. I'm assuming it was Carriage F. Imagine, if you will... Not A. Two table seats. So, you know, with the four seats round. We're familiar with the layout of the train.

There were two older ladies who were planning something. They had pieces of paper with lists on. They were planning they were planning something i didn't get i don't like the sound of this honestly is this the ink cartridge bombers honestly i did my best to work out what they were talking about yes um i really i couldn't find out i apologize that's okay to you and the listeners but um and on the other table there was a man that's Alvidio and I sat behind the man and the man was smelly he was a smelly man and I thought can I be bothered to move away from this

smelly man can you be bothered to mention it I thought you were going to say excuse me you've never met me before wouldn't that be that would take great courage wouldn't it to do that not really I do it on a daily basis what kind of smell are we talking BO smelling? Sort of a musty, unwashed smell.

A musty, like a derelict house. Yes, that's what he smells like. Like he'd found his clothes on the tube or something. And I thought, shall I move? But I've learned from experience that you just get used to it after a while. Yeah. You know, it just becomes part of your world.

I find with a very bad BO, it stops being a nasal experience and it starts to get on your chest. Do you know what I mean? You really feel like that person has entered your being. I always have a scarf and then I just go, oh, and put the scarf up in front of my nose. That tells them. Don't say that.

That's not good, is it? No, I know. So a smelly man had entered my being and a woman... Now, this is what I call an anecdote. And a woman with two kids came down the carriage. Oh, this is a new character now. Quite harassed, yes. New people. Enter.

Yes. Automatic doors. Lady with two kids. And they sat on the three seats around the Smelly Man. I think I've got the picture. So we've got the two old plotting ladies. Plotting ladies. By an opposite other side of the aisle,

smelly man, woman, two kids. Yes. Okay. The cast is complete. Exean followed by a bear. They settled down, and she obviously realised, oh, no, we've sat around a smelly man.

And he said something to the little boy. I think it was not... What did he say to the little boy? I don't know. He said he don't smell at all. What's happened? It was something that was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't funny.

And so she thought, well, we'll just move over a bit. And she asked the two ladies. Oh, the plotting ladies? Yes, the plotting ladies. I mean, if you're plotting, you don't want some money on the adjacent. You don't want children when you're plotting. No, no, no. Did Guy Fawkes take children to the house of parliament did he

heckers like be good if he had that sort of trip high-vis jackets holding hands just move it just stand by the barrels i'll be with you in a minute um so she said oh do you mind if we sit here and um the women reacted by pulling a face and The plotting women, the PWs, shall we call them? Yes. The PWs. What manner of face are we talking about? I don't know, I couldn't see. Well, how did you know they even pulled a face?

Well, let me tell you. Oh, here comes the new mole. And the woman with kids said, oh, goodness, look at the face on it. Well, she might just be on a trip. You know, I'm not sitting by me smells. I'm not sitting by her. She's ugly might just be on a trip. You know, I'm not sitting by Amy Smiles. I'm not sitting by her. She's oddly. And this was a woman,

fussy in the extreme. She said, oh, look at the face on it. And then she said, well, we've got a lot to do. What the PW said. PW what? They've got a damn nerve, haven't they, in their terrorist enclave. So where did she sit then?

Well, what she did is she decided she wanted nothing more to do with that carriage and she walked off down the road with her kids. Oh, she's on the road now. She derailed. Down the road. She let them off from the train and decided to go. And she said, come on, come on, kids, come on.

Let's get away from the rude lady. Let's leave the rude lady by herself. Well, she was wearing to one of the plotters. Only one. She was all right with the other woman. She thought the other one was OK. She singled out one of the plotters. That's what she did, divide and conquer.

Yeah, that's what I do. Well, I loved it. Made a lovely omelette the other day. Triggers that make it with butter. Two eggs together. Too fattening. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Chris Addison has joined us. Hello. Good morning, Chris. Morning. Chris, you're on the road. I am on the road. I've got a big... I've got a Winnebago parked out the front. I'm. Good morning, Chris. Morning. Chris, you're on the road. I am on

the road. I've got a big, I've got a Winnebago parked out the front. Oh, I'm smashing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that I live in now. Shower or bath? Well, it depends. I go for, if it's moving, a shower. Yeah, better. Otherwise it just gets everywhere. Yeah, you're right. But yeah, I try and go for a bath as often. Oh, good. Well, that's great. And so you're on tour, you're doing... Because there must be people, and this is perhaps hard to believe, who think you're

the actor bloke and maybe don't even know about the stand-up. Well, judge me, yeah, I'm always referred to as the actor Chris Addison in court.

Former male model Frank Skinner, that's what I get. It's a nightmare, isn't it? Crash helmets, I did. Full face.

You were the stick. The other guy's just a... Yeah.'s a nightmare, isn't it? Yeah. Crash helmets, I did. Full face. You were the stick. The other guy is just a, yeah, just a put-on. Well, no, I, yeah, because I've done this for 15 years, but because I didn't think of it, it's people, that's what people know me for. I can't complain about it. No. It's bringing people through the door.

Well, it's, I mean, it's a legendary thing. Yeah, people love it. It is, it is like, it must be great to be part of something that big and popular. I don't know anyone who, I've never met anyone who doesn't like it. We love texts, of course. Yeah, yeah, although there are plenty of people who don't like it. They tend to be of a certain age.

But actually, there aren't that many people who, I'm not sure that many people really watch it. It's one of those... Oh, no, I don't watch it, but it's good to say you like it. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I do like Shakespeare. I never go to the theatre, but I mean, you'd think he's good. But I've just compared us to Shakespeare, that's bad, isn't it? But,, I do like Shakespeare. I never go to the theatre, but I mean, I think he's good. But I've just compared us to Shakespeare. That's bad, isn't it?

I'm not sure how many people actually see it. It's funnier than Shakespeare, I think we can say. It depends on the production. We've also gone for modern dress. A modern dress interpretation of politics. I wouldn't mind seeing it. I know you've come to mention it. A sort of a Tudor version.

Yeah, that would be good, yeah. Should we go back in time. Yeah, well, maybe we could. I mean, we're running out of ideas, frankly. You can't better the coalition for comedy, so maybe that's where we'll have to go next. Yes, it is a strange thing, but, yeah. So it feels a bit like this toys me going,

no, this is what I do. So did you go to the Oscars because it was nominated? And you were on the show. There was a clip of you on the show. I thought, that's Chris Addison on the Oscars. On the actual Oscars. On the actual Oscars. Yeah, do you know what?

No clip royalties. Furious. No, I didn't go. It was the writers, quite rightly, who were nominated. So they all went. But because they're writers and they're not glamorous, you hear all those things about gifting suites, and the stars go in and they're like, have this Rolex, and so on. And because they're writers, they

had a whole different sort of gifting tent. It's a lot shabbier, a bit more like the market used to be in the Bullring, as you remember. People were going, come in, have this chuppa-chup. It's a much lower rent business. Still free, though. Still free, yeah. Who would say no to a free chuppa-chup? I went to a gifting tent at an all-star baseball game once in Philadelphia. And I got four baseball hats. You can only ever wear one at a time.

I never wear them at all. But, you know, free. Free. Because you just thought, they're free, I will take this. And I thought, I'll give them to people as gifts. I've still got them. Do you want one? I'd absolutely love one. Okay, I'll get one to you. Sometimes, it seems, it's such a

weird world, that. The idea that people require gifts. The gift lounge. Yeah, the gift lounge, or the gift bag. I saw Justin Lee Collins and Courtney Love having an argument over some precious, semi-precious stone in the gift lounge once. I know exactly which gift lounge that was. That's the comedy awards, isn't it?

Were you there as well? Fabulous, it was. I presented a BAFTA and about two weeks after this, an enormous bag arrived at my house and it was full of things. You go, what are you saying? There was one that was

a Philips electric body hair shaver. And I didn't know such a thing existed. Oh, somebody sent me one of those. But it wasn't even from a ceremony. I just got one in isolation in the post. Who does that? Is that a thing men actually do? I mean, other than professional swimmers and cyclists.

Well, mine's still in the thing, the wrapping. It's just there. It's just there in the back of the cupboard with four baseball caps. But one day, you know, I'm figuring as I get older, I'll take the old ears on. Well, that one morning. We'll be back with more Chris Addison shortly. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Klaxons, Golden Scans, that needs looking into. I'm worried about that title. Chris Addison. Golden Scans. Yeah, well, I mean, come on. You don't want to type that in the internet, do you? No, exactly. Not unless you've got a couple of hours to spare.

So, Chris Addison is on the road. Chris, you're currently touring, you've started. Yes, oh yeah, this has been most of the year actually This is the third and final bit and I'm about halfway through that Is it like Bob Dylan's Never Ending Tour? Yes it is, Frank Yeah, no, it's good though You look very fresh faced and happy about it

Well, that is the prescription medication Oh, good Yeah, I'm thoroughly enjoying it But because it's been on the back burner for a little while It's been a real... This is me looking for dates. I've got some dates here. 16th November.

That's the Lowry in Salford. Yes, that's a nice place, isn't it? It is lovely, yeah. Gentile audience, considering it's in Salford. Well, the most astonishing thing, because that's where they're going to move the BBC, they're moving a lot of the BBC up to Salford, and Tom Bloxham, who is the big property designer,

has been splashed and all of that thing. Sold posters in Affleck's Palace when I was a kid. Now he does houses. But he's turned a whole sort of block of streets, a bit like Coronation Street, into designer living for executive media types. And this is clearly being sold at the people who are going to go up to Salford.

But it's like an island in a sea of scallies. It's unbelievable. They're going to be running the gauntlet every time they go to work. A lot of programming on the BBC is going to become quite dark and bitter and based on burglaries and muggings. That's my feeling. What, again? Yeah, yeah.

It's like the 60s again. I like the fact that the boss of BBC North said he won't go, and he's married to Sarah Lancashire, who's the woman from... Oh, yeah. Raquel. Yes. And Raquel doesn't want to go.

No, if Raquel doesn't want to go to Manchester... She's actually called Lancashire, and she still doesn't want to live there. Yeah. Can't be right. So you're doing that, and then 21st of November, you're at the Bloomsbury in London. I love the Bloomsbury, yeah.

Are you... How's Edith Sitwell now? She's not so bad. She's problems with the blue stockings. They wrinkle in the wash. But other than that, she's fine. Quite a long face, I thought. And then you're in Birmingham at the Alexandra on the 26th of November.

That's a nice old theatre. Yeah. High. High rather than stretched away from you. I remember going... I've only ever been in there as a punter, because I was at uni in Birmingham. But in there as a punter but I when I because I was at uni in Birmingham

and but it's just a really odd theatre isn't it because like you say it's tall but there's only about four rows back yeah but that's good that

it's great for a comic it's absolutely perfect for a comic yeah have you seen Frank Starr on the Walk of Fame in Birmingham is there a Walk of Fame in Birmingham yeah oh god yes

is it you, Noddy Holder and Samuel Johnson yes Samuel Johnson hasn't been he hasn't qualified yet has he not, yes. Is it you, Noddy Holder and Samuel Johnson? Yes. Samuel Johnson hasn't been... He hasn't qualified yet. That's in some debate. Me and Noddy Holder, Straldy. Ozzy Osbourne.

There's a football man as well, Frank. I can't remember. There's a few. Tony Brown from West Brom. Yeah. And who's the bloke that used to do the Formula One? He's getting a bit wicked faces. A bit wicky faces.

I don't know. He was a... No, you wouldn't guess, would you? Because he's not saying, we'll never rock Jochen Rindt coming round the corner Jochen Rindt

was the first driver I thought of where's the where's the walk of fame Broad Street do you know a nightclub there's a nightclub

called Flares it's just opposite that that is classy yeah well Broad Street is definitely Birmingham's beating heart

of fashion sometimes I there's no meals in everything yeah I just drive up Well, Broad Street is definitely Birmingham's beating heart of fashion. There's no meals and everything. I just drive up Broad Street just to see the sort of sideshow at night. It's the classic. Women with hardly any clothes on, lads in just a shirt and all that. Not just a shirt, maybe a little later. Well, to later on, yeah.

Yeah, but lots of gel. It's fabulous. It makes me think, oh, youth and all their vibrant lustiness. Birmingham is such a brilliant city. It's so completely underrated. But it sometimes does itself no favours. When it redid the bullring and it got rid of all the stuff in Digbeth, that approach up from St Martin's up, there's a quote.

They thought they would put a big quote, something that encapsulates Birmingham. And, you know, they could have gone for Johnson, they could have gone for Matthew Bolton, they could have gone for the Lunar Men, any of that stuff, but it's a UB40 quote. UB40 in stone. What is it? Red Red Wine?

I think I just forget myself. That's basically me, yeah. It's advice more than the quote. What it should say is one more river to cross. One more canal. One more junction to cross. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

So you're a bit of a radio man yourself, Chris. Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. You know, in the show. You've done Absolute, right? You've done an Absolute Radio show. I have, yes. I have. I stood in for Ian Lee a couple of times. How was that? yeah you know you've done absolute right you've done an absolute radio show i have yes i have i stood in for ian lee a couple of times how was that because we have some of the strangest um listeners of all time people also but there were quite a lot of no people there was a lot of

filling there's a lot of filling that went on for hours and hours but it was tremendous fun i always ian's gone he's proud he certainly has yeah yeah he certainly has. Yeah. Yeah, he certainly has. But it was... I've always wanted to do it, because when I was a kid in Manchester, there was a broadcaster, James H. Reeve, who was on Piccadilly Radio back in the day, and he used to do this show between ten and one. It meant I was permanently tired at school.

I would listen to the whole thing every night. It was a phone-in. And he was astonishing, really amazing. He was my first comedy hero, really. Right. And he used to just deal with idiots that was his shtick was dealing with idiots but it wasn't any kind of shouty way it was the pithiest driest little puncturing of their of their lunacy and uh he

was wonderful and so i've always wanted to do does he exist online i'm not sure if he does i'll keep to hearing yeah i'll find there's, if you type James, he did a show called I can't help it, it was called Nocturnal Emissions. Right. That's the name of the show on Key1 on 3 when it started in Manchester and there's a sort of best of. In fact,

if you ask Tony Morey who runs this station or co-runs this station, he will get you a copy of that. Okay, I will ask him. He's a big old fan. And Geoff Lloyd is, of course, one of the great stars of Alex Lowe. He's a good mate of yours. Yeah, he will get you a copy of that. Okay, I will ask him. He's a big old fan. And Geoff Lloyd is, of course, one of the great stars of Absolute. He's a good mate of yours. Yeah, he is, yeah. He's one of my closest friends. So we've established the Absolute links. Now we can mention the rival channel. Brilliant.

I'm on the BBC. Five Live, seven days Sunday, eleven o'clock every Sunday. Yeah, me and Andy Zaltzman and Sarah Millican, plus guest. Both friends of the show, can I say? Both friends of the show, brilliant people.? Both friends of the show, brilliant. Friend of the show! Wow, that is... You don't get that on Radio 4.

You certainly don't. I think one of the things that Radio 4 is missing, I'm not really on Radio 4, is jingles. Jingles would be much better on the Today Show. Oh, you're on 5. You're on 5 Live, sorry. I am, I am on 5 Live, sorry. I am, I am on Five Live, yeah, which is a news and travel-based station with people trying to get a word in between.

Yeah, that's a bit of sport as well. That's a bit of sport, yeah. That's not really, you know me, that's not really my thing. Can I just ask you something? Are those 3D glasses you've got? Yeah, well, I just wanted to see what you all look like. Wow, these really work. Yeah, they look good.

They really, really work, which is good because of the telly that they come from. You look good with your natural curly hair, the headphones and those shades. You look like Jerry Garcia of The Grateful Dead. I mean, in his youth. That's what I'm going for. So you and Geoff Lloyd also, you wrote the last series of TFI Friday. Yes, we did. That's a fabulous fact.

It was an amazing gig. One of TFI Friday. Yes, we did. That's a fabulous fact. It was an amazing gig. One of the most extraordinary... Elton John was the very last guest, because this was when Chris Evans had left, and they did seven shows with celebrity hosts. I don't remember that. It actually existed without Chris Evans. Yeah, well, because he bailed on it just before they were due.

That sounds unlike him. Yeah. I wonder how that happened. The vibes in this building seem to be... But, yeah, so they did... What, the madcap broadcaster? Yeah, madcap moneymaker, Chris Evans. Well, he bailed.

And so Channel 4, it was too late for them to get out of it, so they just reduced the number of episodes and got celebrities to host it. And me and Geoff wrote... It was unbelievably good fun, but the last thing we did was wrote one for Elton John. one of the strangest things that's ever happened to me in my life was that because we recorded them as live an hour before they went out elton john was quite nervous about how this was going and i was standing sort of close to him just in case he needed

anything in the uh in the bar he was looking through his cue cards on the desk and he looked up at me and we just we did what we'd only said hello to each other and he just mouthed, is this okay? And I found myself doing that, putting your fingers together to indicate it's fine. I was doing that to Elton John and just in that moment I had a you are here revelation. I'm doing that to Elton John. It was a really strange but brilliant Did he mean his whole lifestyle and career? Yes, and I said it was okay and I feel like an enabler now. I think it's okay, but with some qualifications.

I mean, the extravagant buying a flora. Well, yeah. Do you remember flora? I don't mean the margarine, can I find out? I mean the flowers. I mean the flowers.

Oh. But it's a brilliant fact about you. So, look, Chris Addison is on tour at the moment, and go and see him. Yeah, that would be my advice, definitely. I concur. I heartily endorse this message. It's funny, and also it's brain-stretching as well. As well as funny.

Is it? Yeah. Don't worry, it's not too brain-stretching. I can understand it. I mean, more like Johnny Ball than Proust More like Johnny Ball Yeah Populist brain stretching

So he's going to use that for the poster now I'm a populist brain stretcher Yeah I'm like I'm like QI on Mogadon Anyway thanks very much Chris It's great to see you And bring back What The Dickens Yeah

Yes, Sky Art Frank on Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Gorillas Featuring Sean Ryder Yeah, he goes It's the

Yeah, I love that one. He's a good man. That was Dare. That's what that was called, just in case anyone at home... And also the bloke who texted in and said, what was that sellotape song, who's it by? Yeah, Mark wants to know. Yeah, Mark.

It was No Cars, they called. Oh, OK. There's a new album out, which is a sort of John Peel tribute thing, and it's a track from that. Now it's all gone very Joe Wiley. Oh, it has. Where's me snowboard?

Where's me snowboard? We should say we went to see a band live and that they were good. That's what she always says. Does she? And now Furtin Cotton says that a lot. Furtin Cotton? Furtin Cotton. Furtin Cotton.

I'm liking Furt and Cotton. It sounds like someone who could have been in Gone With The Wind. I think it sounds like a Texan swear word. Why, Furt and Cotton, I don't believe you stepped out of line. Listen, man, I don't believe I have a right to state my mind. Little scene with Furt and Cotton

there from Gone With The Wind. Just before we see all that long panning shot of dead soldiers, which I'm not so keen on. Did you see, I'm not a man to talk about the X Factor, because everyone talks about it, but the whole mime debate. Marcel Marceau? Mime factor. They should do a

mime factor. Yeah, mime, eh? What about if they called it, eh? I watched Sherelle Cole on there doing her new single. Yeah. A lot of hair. A lot of hair. Yeah.

But, I mean, a lot of hair. I don't know. Does she have the breast? I beg your pardon? Does she have the breast encouragement? Yes, she has the breast. She had the breast encouragement. No.

She hasn't had that. No. Has she had any... Terrible trouble if you say that. No. I'm asking the question. Has she had the botoculus? No. Okay. She's't had that. No. Has she had any... Terrible trouble if you say that. No. I'm asking the question. Has she had the botoculars? No.

Okay. She's had no procedures. A lot of makeup, a lot of extensions, miming. I mean, why turn up? Just send us a flat pack. We'll just put you together ourselves. And also, if you're going to mime... Oh, she was miming like there was no tomorrow

and of course when you've had malaria there might be no tomorrow it comes back it does it comes back it comes back don't worry

she's more than what I can say for Ashley Cole um yo she cried on Piers Morgan about that someone cried on Piers Morgan

I couldn't believe it I couldn't believe my eyes this is a turn up for the I feel we should put this out as a stop press he's now poking them with a compass

to make them cry he'll stop at nothing press. He's now poking them with a compass to make them cry. He'll stop at nothing. Piers Morgan is poking Cheryl Cole with a compass. I got in trouble once for poking a girl with a compass. I think that's fair. I think you'll find... No, it was under the table in English, and I poked her with a compass and she screamed,

and the English teacher said, get out. And she took me to her office and said, I saw you. I saw you touch that girl under the table. Well, touch, I wouldn't say it was touching if she was using her compass. What was worse, the fact that I poked with a compass or the idea of me touching her in some way? But were you sharpened or penciled? Sharpened. Oh, well, that's wrong.

Why would you do that? You've got a dark side. I thought it would be funny. It's a very dark side to you. I learnt my lesson. Someone told me that when you approach a woman,'ve got a dark side. It would be funny. It's a very dark side to you. I love my lesson. Someone told me that when you approach a woman, you need a compass. Anyway.

Anyway, meanwhile, over the extensions. And also, the other miming thing is that she didn't mime it all. Oh. Now, that's... Tricky. That's a mistake. It's tricky. It's like, you know when you paint part of a wall

and leave the rest, and suddenly it looks very shabby, the unpainted bit? It was like that. Because when the real vocals come in, you thought, oh, no. It all went a bit Katy Perry. Oh, you can't say that. It wasn't a good... She's married into British comedy.

Well, that's true, actually. She is a lovely-looking girl. I just think maybe the earpiece wasn't working. Yeah. I wish mine hadn't been. No, but we all have bad nights let's face it tell me about it well daisy um our person who works on our show would daisy our person she'd like to apologize to her boyfriend because apparently when she got back last night she

wasn't very nice to him is that right stuck him with a compass i think oh that one what did you do just a bit mean just a bit mean. Just a bit mean? Oh, well, if you're listening, Jermaine, she's full of regret today. I love that,

Jermaine, as well. Regret, you may know, is an alco-pop. Also, she had her hair all done up like a ragabilly. I bet she was a bit scary. She did look like,

she looked like Mr. T from a distance. I thought, I wish I hadn't ordered that helicopter. If she keeps messing you around, Jermaine, I'm going to say... Get off, Mr Bain, and get in the plane! Yeah.

Good. Yeah, so I disapproved. The thing is, these people... It's like the marathon. You know, at the time, you thought only very special people could run a marathon. Now you realise 84-year-old grannies from Glasgow can do it. Now there's people on the

telly singing my my mint not my mint singing live every week and sounding good or postman and stuff like that people you know learning all that then you think oh clearly everybody can do it and then the big star doesn't do it it's just not on it's not on i feel i've been let down and i like cheryl cole she once won best looking Girl in Newcastle competition. That's good enough for me. And also Best Looking Girl in the Metro Centre she won. Really? She did, yeah.

She's had quite an illustrious career. We won't joke about that. We'll gloss over Sophie on the bock poo. Yeah, well, you know, like I say, you have your bad nights. Sophie on the bock poo! We all have our bad nights. But we're live. This is all live. We don't mime. I think people have. But we're live. This is all live.

We don't mime. I think people probably guess this is live. Nobody would edit this then, so that'll do. That'll be fine. So next week, Stephen K. Amos is our guest. Now, you may remember he was supposed to be our guest a couple of weeks ago. Is he the one that didn't turn up? He is the one that didn't turn up.

But, you know, I believe in a second chance. Oh. You can listen to Not The Weekend. You can explain yourself. He is the one that didn't turn up. But, you know, I believe in a second chance. Oh. You can listen to Not The Weekend. You can listen to Not The Weekend podcast, which is available from Wednesday. And Ben Jones is next. He's already arrived.

He's got the green hooded top. He's gone green goblin. Yeah, he's gone green goblin. So, yeah, so that's about all from us.'s been uh lovely as ever thank you for listening thanks for listening anytime we love you good day to you you're listening to frank skinner on absolute radio working towards a mintier world with tree boss off mints absolute radio