The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Ed Byrne

Episode Date: February 5, 2011

Ed Byrne joins Frank, Emily and Gareth and puts the record straight on ditchgate. To find out the back story of ditchgate see the October 2009 podcast 'Ed In A Ditch'

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Okay, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gments. Absolute Radio. Okay, this is Frank Skirr on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hi, Frank. Morning. Hmm, that's that. You see, I've established that. Our guest today is, um, it's Ed Byrne. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

I'm going to talk to him. If you give me a chance, I've just got to get the... Is he going to turn up this time? Oh, yeah, because he didn't turn up last time, did he? I think he fell at the third hurdle. Oh no, that was that, Mr Ed. Now, Ed Byrne was in a ditch last time. He got stuck in a ditch. Hopefully he'll tell us all about that. Yeah. Unless, of course, it was made up, in which case he'll just look sheepish and that'll be a bit difficult. He'll be able to make something up. I don't want Mr Ed to look sheepish. That would be a terrible animal amalgam.

I say amalgam. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything at all, and I mean anything, on 8-12-15 you can do that. I say 8-12-15. Get your pencils and papers ready, and I'll read that out again later. Do people still get their pencils and papers ready?

You used to do it on Blue Peter all the time. But when your auntie had to leave the room because I was going to show you what they were going to make as a present for them. Do you remember that? No, they're on their iPads now, love. Oh, no, it's all changed. What aunties? Not aunties now. They're not on iPads, are they? Do me a favour, love. Aunties on iPads. That's a good name for a band.

Write that down, Gareth, will you? What a week I've had. I say, what a week I've had. What have you done? I've been pushing crisps. Oh, not these crisps again. Oh, God. That's all you do these days. I know.

It's taken over my life. I admit that. I had to do a load of interviews about crisps. And, you know, there's a... I mean, I've got my limitations of what I have to say about them. I'll say. Yeah. So I had a few, like, you know, comical remarks up my sleeve.

Got them out of the way about 30 seconds in. I spoke to a man from the Birmingham Evening Mail who at one point, in all seriousness, said to me, what strain of potato do walkers use? Well, I felt he'd put me on the spot somewhere he went a bit question time on you get this I said to him

well I've always assumed it was King Edwards I mean what a complete what I've never assumed it I've never even who cares about it but I obviously I had to sound like I was there

so were you doing the interviews it was you, Jimmy Carr Al Murray and Stephen Fry no Stephen Fry didn't do the interviews. Why wasn't he there? I don't know. He had a special dispensation.

He was revising Wikipedia. Why didn't he turn up? Yes, you know, he's reciting from memory Wikipedia. No, he's, I don't know. I think he has, because you're a national treasure, you don't have to do interviews. Oh, dear. Him and Betty Boothroyd.

Same person? What do you think? Who else did I do? I did... So you did Birmingham Evening Mail. Now that was preaching to the choir really though, wasn't it? I should say by the way, in case anyone's new listeners, I like to think that there are new listeners

some weeks, you know, maybe if somebody maybe if they're a hostage and they're and the kidnappers, they listen to this on a regular basis, so this person I've never heard this before I'm doing a thing for comic relief where I have

my own crisp flavour and I'm up against three other comedians and it's who sells the most crisps. Well two really, the other one never turns up. Well, anyway. And would he consider himself a comedian? So we've all got our... So I've got these Frank Roast Dinner crisps,

is the thing. In the tradition of Salt and Lineker. Oh, yeah. Remember those? So a crisp that features your name. Smokey Beckham they had as well, didn't they? Oh, yeah. I've got those. Theham they had as well, didn't they? Oh, yeah. I've got on those. The David Seaman ones, they didn't sell.

They didn't sell. They were gone before they were on the market, almost. So, um... So, I did... I do know I got interviewed by, um... Oh, no, I do. Love It magazine. Do you read that? No, I, okay, uh, oh, no, I do, um, Love It magazine.

Do you ever, do you read that? No, I, like, hate it. No, I do. You should edit Hate It magazine. I'd love to. I've got the first few cover stars lined up, just wait and see. Oh, is that, did they launch that at Bitchfest? They launched that at Bitchfest.

No, I know Love It, Frank. It's kind of, it's a ladies' magazine, a weekly, and it's things like... Yeah, I know the headlines. They have all those quite shouty cover lines. I know it well. My boyfriend exploded in the bath. Exactly. The enemy between my legs. Can you save that for later?

Sorry. Your personal experiences section. So go on, love it. So I was interviewed by a lady from Love It, and she was actually smashing. She was sort of a Stacey Solomon type. Did she write for smashing as well? Wow, she gets around.

No, it wasn't. Sorry. It's all right. So she had a hat with her, a sort of a black sequined hat, and she said, I'd like you to draw three words out of this and then come up with a joke based on those three words.

It's quite difficult. And I thought what summed up perhaps love it more than any other thing is that I noticed the label on the hat said River Island. Well, I think we should try it anyway. So I don't have a hat, I have a plastic container which formerly, I think, had mini heroes in it. Oh. And I don't mean John Bercow.

And we'll see if we can all do it. You're looking worried, Em. I don't like it. Well, you're a professional comic. It's going to be all right. Don't go... Don't go all Jenny and Claire on the jungle. It'll be fine.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Yeah, so this thing, Love It magazine, she gave me, I had to pick three.

I have this. This is me rattling the things in case you're worried. Oh, can I be the Debbie McGee role here? Well, certainly. I think you've got you're worried. Oh, can I be the Debbie McGee role here? Well, certainly. I think you've got just about... Oh, OK.

So what do I do, Frank? So I'm going to pick out... There are pieces of paper in this tub. So you pick out three words. You can read them out one at a time. OK. So first word. And we've got to incorporate these words into a joke.

OK. It can be an old joke or a new joke. Word number one is coming up shortly. OK. Coming up shortly. No, no, it's a phrase. You've shut up. Word number one is coming up shortly. OK. Coming up shortly. No, no, it's a phrase. Shut up. I'm trying to read the words.

You've got to do silence. If this was where we find out that Emily's illiterate, she's gone away with it by a series of bluffing tactics, and now I've put her on the spot, that would be so... Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be ashamed of, no. Just put a picture of a handbag. Just put a picture of a handbag.

Go on, fire away. All right, Andy. Do you want to hear it for Andy Gray? Do you want to hear the first one? OK. Texas. Texas? Yeah.

Texas. It's true. That's a bit difficult, isn't it? Can I say that Emma, our producer, has put these words in? Trying to bring us down. I don't think she is, yeah. What's that for? That's an offer from Capital.

Word number two. Yes. Is king. Texas king. Oh, this is very hard. I'm glad I'm not a comic. This is true. This is virtually impossible.

Word number three. Is kidney. You're joking. No. Texas king is kidney. You're joking. No. Texas, king and kidney. And we've got to do a joke based on that. Texas, king... And kidney.

And kidney. So Martin Luther King was doing a speech in Texas. Yes. This has to be a joke, not a sentence. You're always saying that to me. I know, yeah, but... And someone says... Someone says,

how are your kidneys? And he goes, I don't know, but I have a spleen. Oh! I think that's fabulous. I don't know if I dare take it. I think that's pretty good.

You did that so quick. It's the quickness of the man. Oh, dear. The buzzing is incredible. So I was in Texas Home Store. Oh, that would be more like it. In the awful section. You know, the awful section.

And I saw King, you know, King, who used to, the sort of 80s pop star. Oh, Paul King. Paul King. No, it was just King at the time. You don't know him? I do. Ah.

Well, then you won't know about his transplant dilemma. I can't imagine. Yeah. And he said, oh, he said, with his slightly pseudo-neuromantic manner, he said to me, are you selling off all? And I said, yes, for? I thought it was time I could move on to the Christian name. And he said, I'm in a bit of trouble.

I said, I'll come back to you. Anyway. No, I don't think I can follow. I think I have to accept that you, it's now it's your show. Oh, really? You win. We'll have to change seats and everything.

Okay, well, um... So, what's next? Let's talk about um, please carry on, Frank. I can't do it. Well, I mean, I tried. I tried to hand it over. You did. Oh, God. I hope Egypt goes better than this with the handover.

OK, so... Well, I think that was a special moment. I think we should try... It's the hardest words I've ever heard. They were hard. I realise now, because me and the producer had a bit of a row last weekend, and I realise now... Oh, don't talk about the bit of a row last weekend, and I realise now... Oh, don't talk about the row! She said to Gareth, like, these are the words.

I feel sick. Don't mention a row. Because I'm not supposed to mention the row. Don't overshare. Oh, OK. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a correctione in. I see.

Would you like to hear it? No. Oh, OK. So also this week. No, Frank. I'm going to read it to you. OK. In your opening link, you used the phrase par example.

We've had a text in saying, it is exempli gratia if you're about to give an example, not par exempla. Up the baggies, Dave West Bromwich. Well, now that I find myself torn in many directions, I love the fact that an Albion fan from West Bromwich is correcting me on my Latin, but I was doing it, I was speaking French.

Yes, he's confusing it there, you see. He's thinking EG, isn't he? Exactly, Frank. But you can say, I'm right, you can say par exemple. It's the French equivalent. Dave, you're Latin obsessed. He's the one, he starts a lot of Latin chants at the Albion. And, which, you know, normally I like.

You went for the living language, he went for the dead one. But hey, that's all right. I mean, look, you know, Montaigne was brought up, you know, the first two years of his life when he was only allowed to speak Latin and all the servants had to speak Latin to him and stuff like that, so he grew up with it as his native language. So this is Absolute Radio, in case you're thinking, what is this? I've accidentally tuned into Bamba Gas Going FM.

Let's drag it back to the real world. Yeah, I got interviewed by OK TV. Oh, yeah. I've never seen that. If you don't know this, I don't want to break it to you too suddenly, but Live From Studio 5 has gone. What? From Channel 5.

Oh. Gone. And it's been replaced by OK TV. Oh. So I got introduced, interviewed rather, by a guy called, now what was he called? He's a very... Matt Johnson.

Oh, you knew this? Yeah, I know who he is. I know he's doing OK TV. Oh, yeah, he's a very handsome young, pretty, I would say, a pretty Welshman. Pretty. Yeah. Pretty Welshman?

Yeah. Wow. He looks like a brilliant edit of Rob Brydon. A really, you know, they've got the hair right, they've took away the shotgun blast. It really looks handsome version. That's so accurate. And he's doing it with Denise Van Uten.

Oh, yeah. You were admiring her legs only the other week. Well, not in a sexist way. Can I point that out? God, don't you start. I got interviewed by The Guardian. Don't you start. Do me a favour, love.

I got interviewed by The Guardian this week, and the journalist said, so, anyway, why do you hate women? Was that opening gambit? Oh, mate, it wasn't opening gambit. They softened me up first. But, I mean, what a question. Did you say, let's start a list?

Well, I mean, it's a big question, isn't it? Did you produce a photograph of me? Luckily, I had a wall chart. No, I was upset by such an accusation. But what can you do? Was it a female reporter or a male one? Sexist! No, it was one of those robot ones you used to get on the telly.

I remember you used to sit in a computer, you used to ask people questions. Oh, yeah. Some kid show. Oh, I loved that, yeah. It was the best ever. Yeah, so that was, I'm starting to think, so they've got very, very good-looking people on OK TV, is what I'm saying. And, you know, another normal formula is that you have a less attractive older bloke

and then a pretty young girl. I don't know what you're talking about. That's the TV presenting idea. So you get a sense of authority and beauty. I'm all for the just going for the beauty, personally. I was watching Andrew Neil, who I've met, and he was a nice man. Do you know him, though? Oh, I used to work for him.

Yeah, I was watching him on the telly this week, and I think he's had something, he's interfered with his hairline in some manner. And I was looking at his hair, and I started to feel terribly anxious about the whole, yeah, about death, about the whole thing, you know, decay. And I don't get that when I look at Matt Johnson. I just, you know, I think, oh, you know, blossoming youth. I know what you mean. So, you know, I don't know if it's the way forward. In an ideal world, you can have a bit of both, Paxman.

He ticks all the boxes. Well, I'm not sure about him either. Oh, dear. He looks... There's a hint in the look of him, of the big bird type. You know what I mean? I imagine there's...

If you went... If it panned down down there'd be two enormous talons you know the crossbar you get on a chair where sometimes you rest your heels, two enormous talons hooked into that and as the questions get more ferocious

I can imagine them slightly flinching and unflinching I'm not saying that's a factual thing but that's what I was imagining about Paxman it's been a funny old morning in many ways but you know I'm enjoying it in my own little way I tell you comedy is not as difficult as you might think

I was watching Hello Hello this week and the man who the English man who pretends to be French isn't that all of them? yeah but the one who's deliberately in English the one with the big moustache? Oh, yeah. It's like hiding out. I'll say this only one. No, not him.

Oh. No, this is the one. You'll know what I mean when I say it. He said... The policeman. He said, don't get your knockers in a twast. And it got a round of applause from the studio audience. Oh, dear. So... You were very easily pleased, that lot. I found it very heartening that um you know i've

been wasting all these times over the years working away at gags when i could just say don't get your knockers in a twat that is funny it's just coming up it is it's the best thing if only the three words that came out of the hat was knockers twatas and don'ts. I could have brought the host home, but the moment's gone. You have to live with that. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you, I've got me new shower in. It's always a bit of a...

I've been longing for the new shower for a while because what I've been operating on is one of those where the thing's on like a bendy, tubey thing and it's just hooked on the wall. new shower for a while because what i've been operating on is one of those where the things on a unlike a a bendy tubey thing and it's just hooked on the wall oh i thought when i want a proper fix one like you get in a hotel so i got the man in and it was all there looking lovely and i thought oh i can't wait to get in that shower i've got in you know i could not get the water above lukewarm oh i, I can't bear that phone. Oh, man.

I was going to say there's nothing worse, but that could be this week's phone in what's worse than that. And there's probably loads of stuff. But from a domestic bliss point of view, having a lukewarm shower. Oh, it's horrible. Prison conditions. And also, he hasn't put a soap dish holder.

I mean, come on. Well, you don't use soap still, do you? I hate soap. You don't use soap. What do you mean? What do you do? Just stand and hope for the best? I use a moisturising body wash, thank you.

Soap's a bit Edwardian Borstal. I'm not you putting that anywhere near me. I like a bit of Edwardian Borstal first thing in the morning. Yeah, I... No, I am... I'll tell you what, though. We've got it mended now. We've got the hot water

but the thing is just it's on the ceiling of the shower there's just this enormous circular shower head so there's not much gap around the side where there isn't water so i when i'm soaping up you don't want to be soaping up directly under the shower because it just rinses straight off so i'm pinned against the wall it's become like mission impossible i'm pinned against the wall. It's become like Mission Impossible. I'm pinned against the wall, avoiding the killer rays. Just in the corner, just trying to get to all those little things before I go back in for me hot

rinse. And you like a good scrub. We've already established it. I love a good scrub. That's what it's all about. You spend a while on the feet, don't you? Individual toe gaps. I do all that. I've started doing my ears in recent months. Excellent. all that i've started doing my ears in recent months excellent i say i've started doing my ears you all look to me like that was something that's a good thing yeah but and also i've i've decided now that my sofa is too far from the telly

i don't know if my. It's in the shower. It is, yeah. You know, I went to a Graceland's and I spoke to one of the people who worked there, you know, where Elfis lived. And he had a, he used to have like a black PVC, not PVC, just whatever chairs,

whatever chairs that aren't leather made out of. That stuff that looks like leather but isn't. Plastic. Leatherette. Leatherette. We'll call it that. Vinyl. Let's go with vinyl. It's not really. Anyway, that stuff that looks like leather but isn't plastic leatherette leatherette we'll call it vinyl let's go with vinyl it's not really anyway that stuff he had a black chair in the shower towards the end when when standing up was a bit of a and he used to sit in there on like a

not like a garden furniture but like a big upholstered armchair in the shower and they said it started to get all mould growing on it and stuff, and he just sat on it anyway. How absolutely marvellous. The thing is, without the soap dish, though, do you not find this, if you put soap directly on the surface... Well, I did it the other morning, because there was no soap dish, I just put it on the floor, I couldn't pick it up the next day.

I needed a crowbar. What I need is that one of the great master strokes of British design, the label on the imperial leather. Oh, yeah. So you get a tiny, almost like a little plinth, a mini plinth. Oh, is that what that's for? Of course. What do you think it was for?

Well, I thought it was decorative. Oh, don't be ridiculous. Put it face down on that. Yeah. Oh, Frank, that's made me very nostalgic for Imperial Leather. I might go and buy some after this. Yeah. Other soaps aren't very much.

Does that qualify as an idiotic eureka moment that you never realised at the label? Have you never noticed that the bit behind the... Do you know what it forms? A kind of a kitten heel on the soap. Yes, you're right. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Frank on radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ed Byrne has just entered the building. It's a bit of an exciting moment. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed. And we'll be talking to Mr. Ed after the news. So, still Frank Skinner, in case you were getting optimistic.

And we were talking about those little things, those little things that spoil the domestic bliss. And I don't have a soap tray in my shower, that's what I was talking about. Might not seem like a big thing to you. But I was wondering if I could go soap on a rope. That seemed to solve... Do they still exist? Well, they do, and do you know how I know that? Because that was my Christmas present last year from my niece.

But was it real or was it ironic? It was a stig. A stig from Top Gear. Well, formerly of Top Gear. That's a collector's item. Well, exactly. Before he did his kiss and tell. Was it masked or unmasked? It was masked. What would have been brilliant is if it had the full face helmet and then as you used it, the face of the bloke

emerged. Well, now he's out of work, you can actually get him to be in your bath on a rope and wash you and stuff. Well, give him another six months, he'll be on a rope in his own shower. Oh, and, um... I, um... Sorry.

Go on, go on. I like that you were going to take up the whole thing. I was going to try and, um... My domestic thing is that I insist on is I don't mind it being really messy. But if there's mess on the bed. Mess? What do you mean?

It's disgusting. I should say that Gareth breeds Alsatians. He's got 23 in the house. No, I mean just like... If there's mess on the bed, I'm not happy. But that's not strict. If there's mess on the bed, I'm delighted. I don't mean that sort of mess.

I mean, like, just stuff left around. I was going to say, clothes. Clothes, debris. Debris. Christmas decorations. You know, however messy it is, at least you can go to bed. But if there's stuff on the bed, then you can't go to bed. You've got to tidy the bed first.

Yes. And that gets me down. I can understand that also um our front door seems to is a bungalow and there's no there's no like step there's no usually there's some sort of threshold on the floor if you wanted steps don't move to a bungalow that's my advice no but there's usually some sort of rim or something or a frame and it's just like flat so leaves come into our hallway there's no frame on your door well there's no there's no thing that rises up you have to step over not a cave it's a bit like a cave because it's just like a flat leaves come under the door

no they come when you open the door they come in they blow in to them really well I hope they don't get on the bed that'd be a double whammy I left I went to get the train and I accidentally left the front door open the other day and Laura said I know for a fact

that there is a note on your door as you leave that says things like don't forget your keys take your wallet shut the door

make sure you've got those two mittens on a string. You left the door open. So having read all that, you then left the door open. Was your baby inside at the time? No, no one was there. They couldn't find it for leaves. When Laura came home, just the whole hallway was full of leaves. Oh, she wasn't even in the house.

She just left the door wide open. I left in the morning. What about security concerns? You left it wide open. Wide open in the morning. What about security concerns? She left it wide open. Wide open in the morning. Yeah, but Frankie lives in Beaumont, so there's no theft there. There must be some theft in Bournemouth, surely. I think I lost a pair of Espera deals in 1984 there.

Well, I looked on that new police website and there was an antisocial behaviour down the road from us, but that's about it. Yeah. Well, you're tempting that person, aren't you? He's trying to get that person back inside. Let's leave the door open and see how that goes. Tomorrow, I'll put some money on the windowsill.

Probably tidy it up. If you've got anything, little tiny domestic things that get on your nerves, you know, feel free to text in on 8-12-15. I'll say 8-12-15 because, you know, we like to feel this show is interactive. Well, actually, Frank, we've had a tweet in. A tweet? Yes, a tweet.

It's a bit 21st century, isn't it? Well, exactly. Is it Stephen Fry? No, he's revising Wikipedia, I told you. Oh, yeah, of course. This is from Lydia in Brighton. Lydia, oh, Lydia, the encyclopedia. Oh, Lydia, the tattooed lady. Is it her? I doncyclopedia, oh Lydia the tattooed lady.

Is it her? I don't know if she's a tattooed lady but she says, Hamelin Gareth, could you ask Frank for his cowboy puppet script? I want to make it indie style-y. Now that's a reference to your TV show featuring puppets. My rejected puppets. Yes, I have a

theory that there shouldn't be any human beings on television at all, that everything should be done with pop-its. Right. I honestly think this would have made telly better, certainly cheaper. So I wrote a cowboy pop-it show called Cactus Creek, which was rejected out of hand, can I say.

She wants to make it in an indie way. What does that mean? Oh, I don't know. It was cowboys. Native Americans. Yeah. There was Native Americans? Yeah. Yeah. There was Native Americans in it. I remember there was a joke about Sitting Bull having an enormous uprising. And I said, really?

He must be 60. Or something like that. I haven't read it for a long time. She's an animator, Frank. Oh, she's an animator? Yeah. Well, that's exciting, isn't it? So there you go. Well, you haven't answered the question.

There was also a joke about being pl plum-tuckered, I remember. It's something that came up, I was, whew, I'm plum-tuckered. And it was a debate about whether that was a dessert or not. It wasn't that good, as you may have guessed. This is only one I can remember, and I doubt I'm remembering the bad stuff. Frank, John and Finchley, the domestic things that annoy me are called kids. Oh, John. I'm loving that.

I'm loving that, John. This is the song for you, then. How perfect is this? This is Arcade Fire, City With No Children. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss of Mints. Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town.

Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. We've had lots of domestic texts. We have. We've got one in from, well, he's actually remained anonymous. And he says, I have two girls, three if you include my wife, and the toothpaste round the sink and rim of the tube drives me crazy. Plus, leaving empty loo rolls on the roller thingy is another pet hate.

Yes, well, I don't quite understand the toothpaste round the sink. I just hope that through their silliness, they're not making me OCD. I like their silliness. This is a man at the end of his tether, isn't it? I know. He's going to go a bit mental, that one, I think. We've had a text from Trish in Reading. Annoying domestic things are random things that I put on the stairs until I find a home for them.

E.g. nail varnish, one sock, tube of insect bite cream, a duster. Tube of insect bite cream? Elderly relatives. Elderly relatives. You don't have that problem, Gareth. That frog halfway up the stairs see Frank

he's got bungalows so it doesn't affect him no exactly what do you leave yours on the bed I put things on the stairs that are going to go upstairs and I think when I'm passing I'll gather these take them with me you don't want to be downstairs all day

if you step on them on the stairs that's really dangerous yes well i mean when i say leave things on the stairs i mean say not so much a roller skate yeah not so much that more like you know breathing apparatus for when i wake up first thing in the morning um we've had a text in from Andrew in Bishop Stortford. My domestic thing... Stortford, I think they call it in Bishop Stortford. Oh, do they? They've dropped the bishops. Oh, have they? Oh, God, yeah. I don't know their vernacular.

My domestic thing, leaving the TV or radio volume on a number that's not a multiple of two or five. Even if it's too loud or quiet. Oh, he's my kind of man. I like him. Multiple of two or five yeah so three would be out do you see three so it can't be on three it has to be on one of them it's a kind of rain man thing and i like it in him i like that you see because that's someone

who's they've embraced the ocd thing so respect to mondo and then people said that three times okay people from north yorkshire doesn't matter how many spare coat hangers there are respect to Mondo. I've said that three times. Pete from North Yorkshire. It doesn't matter how many spare coat hangers there are, my missus hangs coats, handbags, anything on the doorknob so that you can't get in anywhere without having to move the item, whatever it is. Oh, I do that, yeah.

Do you know what happened to me this very morning? Because I went to the toilet and obviously everyone's asleep in our house. I don't know if you know, but I live with my girlfriend. We're not married. And now her sister lives with us as well. So in the morning, I have to be very quiet, so I don't want to wake either of them up.

So I went into the toilet, and I thought, well, I'll close the door. This is the other thing about having the sister live in there. You have to close the door when you get to the toilet. Normally I wouldn't bother with the girlfriend. But I did it because I wanted to muffle the sound. It was a standing up toilet, but even so, you know. But there's too many things hanging on the door. On coat hangers, then on the door handle.

Pete says he made a piece of wood with various knobs on it. He made a piece of wood? Yes. Is he God? And like with all lots of hooks and coat hangers on. And she said, what is that? As she hung her coat on a door handle. Well, Pete is not being fully appreciated. No.

You know, maybe it's time to think about couple counselling. What do you think? No, go straight for divorce. Wow. Come on. We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Magnificent. The Fall. A Lied Dream of Casino Soul. And Ed Byrne has arrived this time. He's actually here, yes. In case you're a new listener, Ed was due on, or it must have been six months ago now. Yeah, was it that long? I think it was even longer ago than that.

And all we heard was that you're in a ditch. That's what we were told. He's not in a ditch. I can tell you exactly when it was. It was October of 2009. It was actually that long ago. And I remember it distinctly because I was looking forward to coming in because I got a new car and it was going to be my first time

driving my new car. I thought that was going to be a compliment to the show. No. I was looking forward to the drive to the show. It was a Jeremy Shoxen type of car. My new car. And my new car sank in my own, just outside my own driveway because of a burst pipe. And the car actually, and I was really annoyed because I was up in time, in plenty of time, to enjoy the drive.

Yes. And I pulled out of the drive. Well, it was the drive that let you down. Oh, exactly. And I sank. And then, but it was really, because we were phoning. My wife phoned and said, oh oh he can't come because his car has sunk

yeah which does sound a bit of a weird excuse it does sound like a very odd excuse but he even said have you not got another car that he could drive

and we do have another car that I could but I couldn't get it out of the driveway because my car was blocking the drive that was me that said have you not got another car

which was quite presumptuous never ever occurred to me that people have a second car but it's funny when my got another car? Which was quite presumptuous. It never occurred to me that people have two cars. Do you have a second car? It's funny, when my wife even told me, it's quite presumptuous. Do you not have a second car? I mean, we do.

Just assume it. But we couldn't get the second car out of the drive. See, when they said ditch, I thought they meant one of those ditches like what you get in the country. I thought you'd gone off the road. That's what I thought happened. No, because then we were listening as well.

And we heard you say, oh, apparently he's broken down. Oh, no, he's not broken down. Apparently he's in a ditch. This is turning into a 1970s farce. Yes, exactly. But it made you sound like some sort of reckless character who drove across. I had to get the A8 to come and pull me out of my own driveway.

And even they came and went, oh, they had to go away and get another lorry that was more the equal to the task. The ditch pulling out lorry as opposed to a simple tow truck. Actually, sunk into your own drive, that's a terrible way to go. Yeah, you know, brand new car and I'm sure it didn't do the underside

of it any good either. So that was my tale of woe. Well, I'm glad you made it this time. And are you still driving that car? Still driving that car, yeah. It goes back. It was a risk this morning. I bet you were glad to see it above surface when you looked out the front window. I've had it visited with a periscope, just in case.

Marvellous. So you... And by the way, the drive is quite a long drive because I live out near Bishop Stortford, which I heard you talking about just a second ago. Stortford, you mean? I call it Stortford. My wife calls it B Stortford. Is that because she doesn't like it? Yeah.

I don't know why she does that. We live directly between Bishop Stortford and Saffron Walden. Do you know what she calls Saffron Walden? Go on. I'm almost ashamed of this. Go on. Saffers. How middle class is that?

Saffers. Saffers. Don't like Saffers. I'm going to go to Saffers. Stop calling it that! Oh, lovely. Saffers. I know. Don't like saffirs. I'm going to go to Saffirs. Stop calling it that. Oh, lovely. Saffirs. I'm liking it.

Maybe we can reduce all the great towns. My wife has a bunch of quite middle class phrases that I have to just beat out of her. She sounds lovely. I like the sound of her. Is she middle class or has she had a lacution lesson? No, she's a farmer's daughter. Oh, okay. She has a lot of middle class friends.

And she's like, that's right up my strassa. I can't be getting on with that at all. She's had to stop saying that one. That's right up my strassa. I do use the phrase strassa. That's my favourite phrase then. I will not have it in the house. You're strict. You're very strict. Yeah, but then, you know, it's all given tight. Do you say, what about you, and stuff like that? That Irish thing. No, but I'm not allowed to call things yokes. What?

Yeah, in Ireland, something that you can't remember the name of, or just want to say that thing, you'd say that yoke. Oh, never heard that. That thingamabob. It's totally me. Yeah, yoke for thingamabob. Yeah. And that annoys her, so that's had to go by the wayside. That thingamabob. Yeah, yoke for thingamabob. Yeah. And that annoys her.

So that's had to go by the wayside. So, you know, it is. It's give and take. Did you say the car sunk into the drive? So it has. Did you say that? That's what I want to know. Sure, and the car has sunk into the drive.

So it has. So it has. There you go. Give and take. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ed Byrne's with us Ed Byrne is about to go on tour on the 2nd of March for a long time

how many dates is it? it's between 15 and 60 just this leg it's March, April, May and then I'll take June, July off and then Edinburgh in August How many dates is it, if you count it? It's between 15 and 60. Just this leg. It's March, April, May, and then I'll take June, July off, and then Edinburgh in August, and then back on tour September, October, November. So that's a proper two.

Properly, you know, you know yourself. Though writing the jokes is the easy part. It's the hard part. Once they're written, you want to go out and tell them to everyone. Exactly, that's the exciting bit, yes. And the main themes of the show are Texas, Kings and kidneys. Now, if only you'd been here earlier. Really? Why? What happened? Oh, well.

Now, I hate it when that happens. You say, that would have been so perfect. Oh, it's gone. Let's just let it go. So I should say, just for the sake of bookkeeping, that if you go to www.edburn.com www apparently there's three w's now it's funny when people

still do the www have you ever put that in in your life, have you ever typed in www in the Kiwis interest they say dub dub dub which I quite like when you quote a website you're not thinking of the Boy Scouts In the Kiwis' interest, they say dub-dub-dub, which I quite like. Yeah.

When they quote a website, yeah, if you go to dub-dub-dub. You're not thinking of the Boy Scouts? Dib-dib-dib. No, so anyway, if you look up Ed Byrne on Google, you'll get to, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And he's everywhere. He's definitely at a place near you. Yeah. Okay.

But we were talking about the fact you live in the country. Is it proper, like, you know, 1970s rock star buys trout farm type living for you? Do you get up and chop logs and stuff? Yeah. I do, actually. I have a chainsaw. Wow. I was thinking axe, but you've gone chainsaw.

I have a chainsaw. That's only because of the Texas reference. He wants to crowbar that in. Kidney shapes from important. Chim-sized bed. Kidney shapes from important Trim size bed I applaud that I love it so much Okay so you do all that Have you got a dog?

No I don't have a dog I have a cat You can't have a cat If you're a landlord Like that No but I can't have a dog If I'm on the road

All the time either But your wife's at home Can't she look after She comes a lot of the time. She accompanies me. Accompany me? Not for a living. But she comes with me a lot.

I mean, we have a baby now and people go, you can't commit to a dog, but you have a baby. But you can bring a baby anywhere. Babies aren't... You can bring a baby on a plane and you can bring a baby on... Not when I'm on the plane, you can't. It's not illegal. We haven't done it yet. Whereas you can't bring a dog anywhere.

So it's actually easier. Babies don't impinge on your travelling the way dogs do. So we don't have a dog. I was on an internal flight in the USA once and I could hear a dog barking in the hold. That was a terrible thing. The idea of this distressed animal beneath us in the hold. That was a terrible thing. The idea of this distressed animal beneath us in the cold.

Yeah. That's the most... So don't take it on a... If I was going to live there, I'd want a red setter. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. Otherwise, what's going to... There is a proper country, but we're not that country folk.

In fact, just even trying to adjust to life out there. We ran out of oil within a couple of months because I just forgot that there's an oil tank that has to be filled up. Heating oil. You have to fill up an oil tank. Yeah, I know. And we just ran out of oil.

So we were getting, because we just moved in, we were getting the kitchen done. And so we actually ended up burning bits of the old kitchen to stay warm, which just felt very poor. That's brilliant. But it was actually quite cool. That is fantastic. That we ran out of heating oil. So we're smashing the old kitchen to stay warm, which just felt very poor. That's brilliant. But it was actually quite cool. That is fantastic. That we ran out of heating oil, so we were smashing up old kitchen cabinets that we were

getting ripped out anyway and burning them in the fireplace, because we also hadn't bought the chainsaw at this point. But that could be habit form. If you're getting drunk one night, you're a bit cold, you'll have the whole lounge piled up in the middle of the room. Brilliant. So it's the really, it's the country life. I bet you've got Wellingtons and everything.

I have muck boots. Muck boots? That's every brand of Wellington. Oh, I didn't know that. They're pretty good for riding horses. I don't ride horses. I've gone proper posh. Yeah.

Except that I use phrases like proper posh. Which implies that I'm not. I actually had a story in my last show about the fact that we had pheasant for dinner one time, which seems like a very posh thing my last show about the fact that we had pheasant for dinner one time, which seems like a very posh thing to have. But the reason that we had pheasant for dinner is because a pheasant flew into the patio door, broke its neck, so we S-ed.

That's... Which is quite... Which is shame to wife. That's not even working class. That's proper gypsy, really. Meals on wings. Meals on wings, yeah. Yeah, fabulous.

You haven't been tempted to uh to get the old uh shotgun no because this this is what happens when you move to the country you see something on a tree and you think what would it be like to see that explode at my at my will we have it there is a shooting club just down the road from us so that's you know it is pretty clay have you ever clay pigeoned have you hasn't that's exciting Do you know who I last went clay pigeon shooting with? Fred McCauley. Fred McCauley, the famous Scottish comedian who does the best baby sneezing impression

I've ever heard in my life. You're going to have to take my word for that, listeners. We're getting a bit too in now, aren't we? People are just going... They're talking about old friends now and their obscure impressions that won't work on the radio. That's why I broadened it,

because everyone's heard of baby sneeze, haven't they? But I did ask, you know, somebody then actually said that actually eating something that's died in your land is actually quite a posh thing to do. But they said that, just by the way I told the story about it, I was clearly quite working class, because I'd said that it flew into the patio door and not the French window.

I was going to point that out, but I thought you were guessing it's rude. Because people in the country, they have those stickers you can put on your windows. Have you seen those? With like the shape of a bird. Like the picture of a bird. And it's supposed to stop birds from flying into it. But I don't quite see...

Well, I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who remarked on the fact that I can understand them sort of flying into a window, but you'd think they'd at least try and avoid the other bird that's flying towards them. Yeah. You know, in the reflection. Yeah, maybe they... I don't know. Maybe the bump is still a popular part of bird culture. Do you remember the bump?

It's a 1970s dance sensation. Yes, you're right. I was eight at the end of the 70s. Yeah, but, you know, I was... I know who Alexander the Great is, and I didn't have to be there. You don't remember Alexander the Great. You'd be surprised.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in about the lovely Ed. Oh, yeah? He's already the lovely Ed, you see. Oh, that's nice. He's won me over, hasn't he? She doesn't warm to all the guests, I'll tell you that. No, I like that. Am I right up your estrada, sir? Oh, yeah. He's already the lovely Ed, you see. Oh, that's nice. She's won me over, hasn't she? She doesn't warm to all the guests, I'll tell you that. No, I like it. Am I right

up your estrada, sir? Oh, yes, you are. Well, it's early, Ed. It's from Eleanor, who says you couldn't have picked a more perfect guest. I watched him on the Graham Norton show last night, and Ed was non-stop funny. Let's hope for the same this morning. Well, sorry about that. That last thing was a bit dead in places, I think. But I think we started strong. Well was non-stop funny. Let's hope for the same this morning. Well, sorry about that. That last thing was a bit

dead in places, I think. But I think we started strong. Well, non-stop funny. You can't argue with that, should you? No, I appreciate that. But then they do a lot of editing. You know, it wasn't like it was a live show. No. But I was always Helen Mirren and Emily Blunt all over me. I mean, I expected

it of Graham, but ladies, have some respect. Fabulous. Now, you're about to to dance in public Yeah I'm doing Let's Dance for Comic Relief Are you a dancer by nature? I can imagine you cutting some shapes on the floor Do you know what I did once in a bar

in Chicago around St Patrick's Weekend That's a great start to an anecdote I actually had three black girls yelling go white boy, go white boy in a bar in Chicago around St. Patrick's weekend. That's a great start to an anecdote. It is great. I actually had three black girls yelling, go white boy, go white boy, get to it, it's your birthday, as I danced in a bar. That's magnificent. So, you know, that was quite, that was a real sort of teen movie moment.

We told, get to it, it's my birthday. Can you describe your style? Mid-90s. Okay. describe your style? Mid-90s. Okay. I decided on a way of dancing in the mid-90s and I've stuck with it.

I think that's... You're not allowed to say what you're going to do on the show. I'm not, no. I will tell you that I won't be winning because I won't be in drag. It's always a bloke in drag who wins. Yeah, it does really help. So you're doing a male. I will be doing... But I will be dressed in an unflattering outfit,

I can tell you that much. Well, I should hope for that, at least. There will be no doubt as to the fact that I do not have a dancer's body. I'm doing a dance that's from a film,

I'll tell you that much. Oh, God, it's getting like it's a film. You'll tease no more out of me now. We shouldn't because, you know, oh, it's good that you're dancing. I'm selling crisps.

We've both found our own little form of humiliation for comic relief. But the thing is, you know yourself when you do like a TV show and your own would say a politician or a musician and they say something that's sort of mildly amusing, they get a big laugh and a round of applause because they're not, you know, professional comedians.

And now, Let's Dance for Comic Relief is like my turn to to get that same sort of patronizing adulation oh look he's managed to memorize some rudimentary dance moves and not fall over look congratulations you didn't you didn't set yourself on fire while shuffling around a lot you'll come over as a great guy that that thing does work both both ways because i did like i don't know if you've ever done Question Time, but on Question Time, you don't have to be very profound

to get a round of applause if you're the non-politician. I have done Question Time. So it is. I don't think I did very well on Question Time. The thing that I don't like on Question Time, I hate when people do it, is when the non-politician always says a thing

of just going, when are these bloody politicians just going to wake up? Yeah, and applause. Yeah, it's just a very easy, all politicians are, it's like being the pigeon at Wimbledon applause. Yeah, it's just a very easy... All politicians are... It's like being the pigeon at Wimbledon, you know. It just gets a round of applause, just by a dink of not being a tennis player.

Just landing on the net is enough to go... It's a fabulous analogy. I'm very happy with it. Now, you've been on more erudite shows than Question Time, because I only just discovered this week your TV debut was on Blind Date. Oh. Guilty.

I was a contestant on Blind Date. Were you picking or? I was not. I was one of the people not being picked. Oh, okay. There's four people on that show and two of them don't go on a date. You have a 50-50 chance. Were you like number three all dressed in lycra? and two of them don't go on a date. You have a 50-50 chance. And I was one of the people who didn't.

Were you like number three all dressed in lycra? No, I wasn't the comedy. I wasn't like a novelty person. But I was mildly amusing, so she probably thought I was ugly. I was number one. And instead she picked Gavin, the stripper from King's Lynn. Oh, dear. I bet no good came of that.

No good came of it. I tuned in next week she hated him. She hated him. But what was annoying was she hated him because he was just so big headed

about his muscles. But she picked him because he went on about his muscles. We get the people we deserve. Isn't that just Not that I'm bitter.

But she was quite good looking. How did you end up on there? Why did that happen? It was that classic, you know This was back in the days when You're not going to say your friend sent in the application form

No, not at all It was back in the day when you only had four channels And so myself and my mates, we used to watch it And we'd be slagging it off And he said, you know He said, well, why don't you go on sort of thing And then it was just one of those weird fake things Because then the following week,

I was working in a student union in Strathclyde Uni in Glasgow. So you were a comic already? No, no, no. I was working as the vice president of a student union. Oh, okay. And the next week, this envelope landed on my desk

of posters to put up in the student union advertising that they were holding auditions for Blind Days. And I went, well, that's just too weird. That is an act of fate. So I put the posters in the bin to cut down on the competition. And went to the auditions. Yeah. I like the Blind Date with an element of espionage.

Oh, yeah. And did people recognise you after? Did people in the... It's unbelievable. Even now, having done, you know, the Royal Variety and, you know, Des O'Connor and whatever, the Graham Norton show, I've never had recognition like you had

for being on a show like Blind Age. Really? Something like 16 million people watched it. Yeah. And it's also that thing of, because you're just a game show contestant, people feel quite happy to approach you. If you see George Clooney in a bar,

you're like, I'll leave him alone. Yeah. But you see somebody off of, you know, in a bar, you might go, I'll leave him alone. But you see somebody off of, I don't know, you know, whatever, Big Brother or Blind Date, you'll go up to them. You couldn't go out to buy a pack of fags without ten people stopping you on the street going, oh! I saw a woman who hosted the Great British Quiz, which is a thing that's on at three o'clock in the morning.

There's like seven numbers in a row, and you have to say what the next number will be and there is no answer yeah people phone in for 10p i felt she was approachable i i think the funniest thing was the day after it broadcast day after blind out broadcast i went out and i just bumped into a guy in the street and he was he'd been at a party all night and the reason he'd been at this party was because their friend was the girl who was coming back from the previous date, from the previous week. So this whole party had a blind date

watching party and then had been up all night and everyone at this party had been watching blind date the night before and he said you have to come to this party that was still going on. And so I arrived at this party and these people all off their heads on various mind altering substances. Just when I walked at this party and these people all off their heads on various mind-altering substances. Just when I walked in, they could not believe it.

It was like a mirage. This guy that they had just all been watching on TV the night before had walked in. It was like the TV had come to life. I think three people jumped out the window. You actually pioneered interactive television. That's fantastic. Yeah, I was the red button.

So look, if you want to go and see Ed on 2 and you really should the 2 begins on the 2nd of March and then it's everywhere yeah everywhere till the end of the year

it's been great having you on Ed I'm so glad you made it this time I'm glad too that was it I didn't have to swim across a moat of sharks or anything like that

no well that's good maybe next time this is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What do you make of the Sarah... What do we call it? Sheetgate?

Oh, Sally Burka. Sally Burka. That's what she's called. Speaker's wife. Photographed in just a sheet. Yeah, a bed sheet. By an open window, looking out over the Houses of Parliament. To be fair to Sally Burko in her bed sheet, I believe she is a paid accomplice on the well-known Westminster Ghost Tour.

So she's probably just getting ready for work. Not such a bad thing. Why do people pose in sheets? They're not even sexy. It's just soft furnishings. I don't mind a fitted sheet. I find a fitted sheet can be very hogging on the right curves. If you can balance those elasticated corners around the upper regions, they don't just lie across their cradle.

But she didn't really do that. We have to say she's an attractive woman, is she not, Sally? Good-looking woman. i don't know is it just the company she keeps that makes her seem so attractive i don't know if it's um just in contrast i think the people on the ghost tour you gotta remember a lot of that's michael don't write those people off no i just think mr speaker well she said that she was the Carla Bruni of English, of British politics. Right. Which is, um...

There's some doubt in your voice, Gareth Richards. Well, it's, um, Slim Pickens. She's the Slim Pickens. It's all gone Richard Keyes. The old cowboy actor. It's all gone Richard Keyes. I think, you know, it's okay. I'd say she's better looking than

Carla Bruni. Really? No, Frank. You don't think so? Carla Bruni's a supermodel. Yeah, but she's one of those supermodels who looks like she shouldn't be. Let's put it that way. She looks in pain, Carla Bruni. Is it Bruni or

Bruni? Carla Bruni. Okay. Yeah. She Carla Bruni. Okay. Yeah. It's Italian. She looks in pain. Yeah. She's gone for the short politician as well. What is it with these women? They go for the short politician?

I suppose because they're tall. Maybe he's... I think they just go for the politician. I don't think... I think the height is immaterial. Oh, well, maybe you're right. But I saw... One thing I like,

because there's something about that she gave away stuff about their sex life, which she didn't, but she did say that they're just normal people and that John Bercow wears jeans at the weekend. Oh, that's a bit grim. From Baby Gap. The slightly quilted turnip. I mean, how cute. slightly quilted turnip. I mean, how cute. She said,

she actually described him as, she said, John is not, you know, he's not, he's smart casual. Oh dear. That's the worst thing you can say about anyone. He's a very little man. You love him though. You might have a word said against him. Oh, don't stop. I spoke to him for five minutes. I know I love him.

Well, she said that politicians aren't sexy, but that power is an aphrodisiac. And so people with power are sexy. Did you think he was sexy? No. But I didn't smell power on him. I didn't think power at all when I was speaking to him.

Didn't you? No. It's hard to say. I know Napoleon was quite short sure i saw a picture of them together and i know people say rude things about the short short person with tall person on on the on the bed front but putting that to one side it there's no doubt in my mind he could not put his arm around his wife he wouldn't be able to reach up to put his arm around his shoulder i think that's always going to have a distance

between the two. Unless he sort of leapt up and then held on like an alien. You know an alien? So you sort of latch onto the face if you jumped up and did that. I'm imagining him now naked, she just in the sheet, and him suddenly wrapping his head around, like Hoggy. Remember those Hoggy

bears you used to be able to get? You could fit on a bed so she can hardly breathe. He's seeking suction where he can get it let me rephrase that he's doing everything he can to uh to hold i think we're near near in the end of it but she's an attractive woman i'd say he's done very very he's batted above his oh yeah oh in this dress she's wearing she's sort of wearing a giraffe print, which is unfortunate as well, standing next to him. That's just hammering it home, isn't it? Yeah, and that hat with the false snow on the top. That's just to humiliate him.

OK, and I don't think he should have that leather jacket with the shoelace in the front. Oh, she's got him in reins. Oh, no, she shouldn't do him in reins. No, that's... It's gone too far. Next week, by the way, our guest is Mark Steele, the comedian man, and you'll be able to listen to Not The Weekend podcast on Wednesday morning if you take time to download.

Yeah, I'd appreciate that. I think there were some problems with the downloading this week, but they're all solved. I apologise for that. We've got Vicky Blake coming up next. No BJ this week. I didn't mean that.. I apologise for that. We've got Vicky Blake coming up next. No BJ this week. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean that. I meant Ben. Oh, no, it's the daytime. I'm trying to get away from this kind of material. Ben Jones is... I don't know where Ben Jones is. He's probably playing softball. Anyway, oh.

Wrapped in a bed sheet doing a photo shoot. Do you think so? I'm sure he'd keep the baseball cap on. Maybe it's a jaunty angle just for the sexy look. Anyway, um, goodbye. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Treeball Soft Mints. Bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio.