The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Isy Suttie

Episode Date: September 25, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk cuddly toys, Samuel Johnson and David Beckham.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth. All is well with the world. Well, actually, all's well. It never is, is it? Look at poor David Beckham on the front of the mirror. Oh, poor David Beckham. Well, I'm assuming he's innocent, so in which case... Are you?

Yeah. Are you indeed? Yeah. Somebody with those metatarsals. They couldn't be carrying on that kind of an active life. And also, as Daisy pointed out this morning, Daisy who works on the show, some of you may know, he's so upset he's put his spectacles on.

Yeah, and don't they look good? Yeah, but how low do you have to be to put your spectacles on? Timmy Mallet apparently was absolutely distraught when he put his on in the 1970s, and he's never really got over it, I have to be to put your spectacles on? Timmy Mallet apparently was absolutely distraught when he put his on in the 1970s, and he's never really got over it, I have to say. If you want to text us about anything at all, including Timmy Mallet, spectacles, Irma Nicky, who's the name of this woman.

Oh, that's the lady in question. What a powerful-looking woman she is, though. The thighs of a woman, one feels, could jump into a first-story window. If you were sitting at home, say on a summer's night, you had the doors open, go out in the back, whoa, and suddenly this woman appears. That's probably what happened.

That's handy in her business, to be able to leap from building to building. Well, she'll need to. She'll need that fire escape. Can I tell you, I find her shoes offensive, just on a taste level. I'm sorry. That's her shot down in flames. If you want to text us about anything, anyway, you can get us on 81215. And our guest today is Izzy Sutty. I've noticed people now call peep shows Izzy Sutty.

I like it when people belong. I call her that. When people belong to some sort of inanimate object. Is that an inanimate object? Who can say? So, poor, poor Victoria Beckham as well. I mean, she must be... She's going to lose weight.

She's going to be so distraught. Well, and also... She'll just be reduced to vapour. The Madame... Oh, the Madame. Oh, I like the Madame in this story. Might have had a little bit of work done, maybe, on her face. I'm thinking she might have had a bit of work.

Just a tiny bit of work. Otherwise, just before they took the photo, she had a large bit of work gone maybe on her face. I'm thinking she might have had a bit of work. Just a tiny bit of work. Otherwise, just before they took the photo, she had a large sock at a big lemon. That's a possibility, I suppose. She claims that Ermanicki, 26, forbidding the LA Galaxy player, allegedly, but she claims that David requested a curvy brunette. Now, that's not like...

That must stick in Victoria's craw a bit. Well, yes. Is that how you do it, then? Does one get a sort of a checklist with curvy brunettes? Yeah, you put your request in. That's what you do. Oh, no, I wouldn't like... I like the potluck approach.

Potluck? I think if I was going to go into that kind of... You could get Doberman Pinscher turning up. You can't go down that road. Imagine if the slim blonde who works at that, let's call it a club, receives that request. She's going to feel somehow rejected. Very insensitive, some of these.

I like that we've had two stories like this, one with David Beckham and one with Wayne Rooney. We seem to have covered the complete range and showed that the democracy of this profession, that they don't care. You can look like David Beckham or you can look like Wayne Rooney, you get the same service. And that's something to be proud of. How many

of us can say that we're that non-discriminatory? We all, we're all guilty of facial discrimination, I think you'd agree with that, but no. Come ye all. That's their motto. That's the motto of the profession. Commio.

I'm loving it. I'm speaking of my lack of democracy. I had a bit of a difficult situation this week. I'm loathe to discuss this because it makes me sound like a fiend. Go on. But here's what happened. I went to an opening night of a play in the West End. I won't bore you with the details.

But often when you get outside these things, there was quite a lot of celebrities there. Andrea Corr, she was there. Oh, dear. What was it, 1999? Andrea Corr? Yeah, well, she got quite a bevy of autograph hunters around her. Did she?

Andrea. I have no idea who that is. You don't know who Andrea Corr is? What do you mean? How old are you? Eight? Have you heard of the Cors? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, now I know. Yeah. The surname, I think, was De Clu, wasn't it? Yeah. I was thinking... What were you thinking? I was thinking Angela Corr stuck in my craw. That's why. So I was thinking... That's what you were thinking, some sort of shabby poem.

You had some sort of doggerel. Don't think that. Think logically. So anyway, meanwhile, over in 1999... I'm trying to think who else was there now, so you'll be more impressed. Sir Peter Hall. Was David Essex there? David Essex wasn't there. I don't want to know then anyway i had my sadly not he's too

distraught i had uh i had my photo took with this or and now there's a certain type of there's autograph hunters who are fans of yours and they wait for your autograph and that's lovely and then there's the one that's one small caps and the glasses i know them and they're just interested in autographs they don't care who it is. They're Democrats, you see. It could be Madonna, it could be Minty from EastEnders. They don't care, right? So, unfortunately, this chap wasn't wearing a baseball cap.

And anyway, we stood, and as we stood for the photo, I felt his head touch mine. Oh, no. Do you know I've been scratching ever since? And I'm frightened to look. I mean, I was going to ask someone to since? And I'm frightened to look. I mean, I was going to ask someone to check, but I'm frightened to look. I mean, what I leave in these headphones

would be anybody's business. Yeah, I can see a lot of movement from here. Well, I honestly, I've got genuinely, I know it's a terrible thing to say to categorise people. So you think a member of the public has given you nits? That's essentially what you're saying. I'm not casting those autographs on members of the public, exactly. They're a subspecies

all of their own. No, no. They have different priorities from the rest of us. Anyway, I'm scratching my... I could leave a louse in here. It could get into Ben Jones' baseball cap. And then it's there for life. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What a great track, Danny's unbelievable EMF and all that. I'll tell you what's unbelievable, Frank. What is unbelievable? The email that we've had in, which I think you're going to enjoy do you want to hear it i'll try it's from jack like redditch and he's 24 okay he says i'm just saying dear frank emily and gareth i'm a sales rep who travels the country trying to sell lager okay i enjoy that detail uh whilst, I always listen to the podcasts.

Whilst researching a houseman on Wikipedia... You could have warned me about that! Oh, God. Is that terribly sorry? Reset the switch. Reset the switch. It's all right. It's only the first reference and then it's OK. Then it's OK.

For the duration of the show. You know, rules is rules. Whilst researching the aforementioned poet, I noticed something that I thought would make Frank smile. Can I just ask a question? Yes. And I don't want to interrupt this person. Not Jack from Reddish, ever.

I'm sorry. I don't want to interrupt him. But this man is a sales rep who sells lager, who casually says, whilst researching, I he host man. I mean, is that something that crops up a lot in the lager-selling business? I don't know, but it makes me warm to him.

Oh. He says, I noticed something that would make Frank smile. You could have said A.E. Drayman. I could have understood the brew. Anyway, carry on. It was a mention of the show. Under the radio section in A.E. Houseman's Wikipedia page, it says, the A.E. Houseman alarm is a running joke

on Frank Skinner's weekend show on Absolute Radio. Joke? Joke? It originates from a time when an air raid siren was mistakenly played after Skinner mentioned the poet. An air raid siren was mistakenly played? Well, what about the local old-age pensioners? They must have been terrified anyway he thinks that we should be proud that we've altered the annals of internet history

in a marvelous way well i haven't any i haven't wanted any annals for a lot i'm that's that's tremendous oh my god that's tremendous oh it's brilliant what i love most of all is that there's a houseman's wman's Wikipedia entry as a radio section, which is something you wouldn't anticipate, and it's just us. Yeah. That's brilliant. That's all it is. I love that.

I'm thrilled by that. Brilliant. Accidentally played a... No, I think it actually started. It was something else that sounded like an error. I think I was talking to Alex Horne, and he... No, no, it was Tim Key,

and he was talking about how he composed poetry, and I said, oh, A.E. Houseman, the poet. And at that moment, our producer, Emma, leaned on a button Tim Key, and he was talking about how he composed poetry, and I said, oh, Lee Houseman, the poet. And at that moment, our producer, Emma, leaned on a button or something, and it went, woo-hoo! And I said, that's the Lee Houseman alarm, and it was born. I don't think it was an in-joke. I think of it as regulation. Can I say you're looking very smart, Frank Skinner?

Thank you very much. That's all I wanted to say. That's all you're going to get, is a response. I have an email to read. Well, let's settle down in our chairs It's from Sam Saunders And it says Samsung? Are they offering us free radios?

Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth And Laura he says Which shows an attention to detail Your wife has been mentioned in it One wonders what's going to be brought. A whole bit that he feels he needs to bring. By the way, text us on 8-12-15, just throwing that in. Today, the 22nd of September.

So not today, when that was. What was the date today? Oh, here we go. I don't know, but should we just hang around while you look it up? Yeah. Three days ago. This was Wednesday. Yes!

Wednesday. three days ago which was Wednesday yes Wednesday I today then I celebrated

my 17th birthday oh being a twin I share this special day with my good friend Luke that's a coincidence he's got a friend he's also

well exactly I think he's referring to his twin oh it's his good friend it's his good friend which is nice that is nice I That is nice. I never would call any of my family my good friends.

Not that they aren't. It's a separate entity. Well, because a family tie is closer than friendship in some ways, so it would seem like they were being demoted. Oh, I don't know. Do you think? Blind loyalty to people whose genes you share, I say, but that's another story.

Yes. My brother's always taken my genes. I'm i think that that's a jingle right there thankfully we get on well so sharing this day is not a problem at all this leads to my question he's got a question for us okay i was wondering what are things you don't like sharing and what things should definitely not be shared? David Beckham, I would say, for a start. In addition, what have been the worst arguments you have ever had with siblings over the most petty things? Too many questions. Lots of questions.

Did his very good friend, the twin brother, throw in a question as well? Are they conjoined? Are they conjoined? He doesn't say whether they're conjoined or not. Well, that's, you know, either way, they're good people. To make them an equal. Well, we've got to play some

adverts now because rules is rules and we'll come back to the sharing thing because we might even have it. What about a phone and things you don't like to share? Things you don't like to share. We don't want this, you know, the predictable hypodermic needle answer. Something a bit unusual.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Miriam, Miriam Diabo, she was there as well. Marianne Diabo. I think we're going to see Miriam Margolis.

No, she wasn't there. Not that I noticed. You'd have noticed if she was there. Yes, although she once did hide from me when we were at York Minster. I didn't notice her for about ten minutes. Carry on. We've had some texting about sharing.

Is that Miriam Margolis, actually? I think I've got mixed up. Some text about you. We were talking about things that one feels shouldn't be shared or you don't like to share. For example, the whole idea of sharing a bath with one's loved one sounds very exciting. And I think, as I've said on here before, it's actually an awkward mix of legs

and not being able to get the soap. There's all sorts going on in there. Embarrassment, hatred. Even a shower. Even a shower, I find find get out is what i'm thinking inside you know you're trying to be all loving you're thinking i'll just get out i i have my systems in the shower yeah oh i don't even like them in my bed awful um andy them you creatures andy in cheheadle Home. What's that? That's where a referee would come from. Referees always come from places with

two names. Oh, okay. Well, Andy says, I hate... It's Manchester-ish, I think. Do you want to hear what Andy says? Andy says, I hate sharing my food. Especially when someone just nicks a chip without asking. It makes me absolutely furious. Oh, no, I'm with andy on that i once um

well this is a bit of a what i did this there's a temptation in life i think i felt this as a young child to save the best till last i always like doing that and somebody bought me a small box of milk tray now a small box of milk tray to yourself when you're about seven it's definitely and at the time i think it was what was it dairy box anyway the the my favorite uh flavor was called the lime barrel do you remember the lime barrel sounds disgusting it was a little chocolate barrel yeah flat backed but you know it was and um it had like limey slimyimy, limey syrup in a barrel. Isn't it usually caramel in a barrel? Yeah, that's caramel, that one.

Well, times have changed. I think you had rancid chocolates. Yeah, you did. So anyway, yeah, so there was two in the box, so I saved them till last. I ate all these chocolates. Oh, on the bottom tier. And there was only one tier.

Let's not go crazy. This was working class West Midlands in the 1970s, for God's sake. Two tears. Get out of here. What, so Irma and Nicky could jump into the second tear? I think not. Anyway, Irma and Nicky is the woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a believer. I can leave her. So, there they left just the two lime barrels. And I think, no, I've got the others out the way. They've been swept up and now it's me. And then my brother came in and went, wow, chocolates! And ate both of the lime barrels in one go.

Imagine my consternation. Oh, the look on your face. So the motto from the run is don't leave the best till last. Have the best first and then just leave the rest to our Keith. Oh, I might have known it was our Keith. Of course.

Look at his teeth. You can see how many chocolates he's stolen off you. Oh, poor our Keith. Do you know, Gareth did something very similar the other week to me, Frank. We went to the cinema, Gareth and I. I mean, it wasn't a date. It sounds a bit creepy. We were actually with Daisy from the show.

And I went to get a Pepsi and Gareth went, oh, should we just get two straws for that and we'll share it? You're not serious. He did. It was so studenty. Oh, no. I mean, but you wouldn't say, if I got £50 out of the cash point,

why don't you say, oh, should you just give me £20 of that? Might as well say that. I would do that. Well, it's worse than that, isn't it? Because, I mean, the hygiene. Because I fight with a straw. Two straws, Frank.

Separate straws, separate straws. No, but listen, any straw use is never 100% sock. There's always a percentage of blow, isn't there? It's an act of intimacy that I wasn't ready for. No, but there's always going to be a bit of spit back down into the Pepsi. I was very firm, wasn't I, Gareth? Yes.

I said, oh, you got closer than I thought. How about we share that drink and Emily said, no. No, absolutely not. I think it's a disgusting suggestion to be honest disgusting suggestion would you want to share a lollipop for example we shared we shared um popcorn and my hands were covered in urine oh my god let me just see if you can say apparently it's fine apparently christian o'connell said it four times this week. You're going to our ledger. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Have we had any texts? I like Danny Harrison in Hindley. Yeah, but don't keep going on about who you like. He says, I hate sharing my bed with my girlfriend of four years. I can't stand having someone next to me whilst I'm extremely vulnerable. I like him. Maybe there's trust issues there.

Yeah, there might be. Give me a call, Danny. I used to feel the same on fantasy football. I must admit. Carry on. Pat in London says I wouldn't like to share my underwear, even with a good friend. I assume that's like borrowing it rather than wearing it at the same time. Who'd do that?

Well, I don't know. When women buy underwear, do they try it on in the cubicle? Well, you can do. Does that mean then if you don't buy it, that goes back on the hanger? No, there's a protective, yeah, wrapping.

I knew you were going to do that. Okay, let's leave. I knew you were going to do that. OK, let's leave it there. OK, that's the... Oh, by the way, some of you may remember, if you listened last week, that I was off to Litchfield to become the president of the Samuel Johnson Society. Oh, how was it?

It was absolutely marvellous. You know, it was the first time in my life I met a punchmaster. What? A punchmaster. A boxer? No, he wasn't a boxer. He was one of those whole bodges you get.

No, he made the punch. That was his job. Oh. He was a maker of punch, and he made me a special non-alcoholic punch. Oh, wow. He pulled his punch, one could say, if one wanted to continue the pugilist and so that was very exciting and yeah

I was the president, I got to wear my big medal and I got, you know, shook a lot of hands, it was I used to be a member of the Samuel Johnson Society in Litchfield back in 1981 and I went then and the president that year,

being inaugurated, was Robert Robinson. Do you remember him? Oh, yeah, call my bluff. No, I don't remember. No, well, if you don't remember Andrea Corr, Robert Robinson hasn't got much chance. No, well, Robert Robinson used to do... Oh, call my bluff as well.

Yeah, he did do call my bluff. Call my bluff. Remember call my bluff? Yes. So, it's a goat flute, it's a kind of necktie, or it's an old word for knee. Remember him? Yeah. Frank Muir was one of my odd crushes. Frank Muir, actually, was also a president of the Johnson Society.

He wasn't. I mean, there's been some. Beryl Bainbridge? No. Yes. And in 1990, Enoch Powell. Frank! That's true.

No. That's absolutely true. Oh. Bit of a tension in there. I didn't elect him. Look at me like that. Like the Roman I seem to see. I was tense because you said in 1990.

Yeah, well, when I first saw it, I thought Enoch Powell were fair enough. They didn't know. they didn't know. They didn't know. But no, he was reformed. But, you know, he was a classical scholar. You know, he wasn't all bad. Anyway, so it was when Robert Robinson, I remember... A few texts coming in now.

I remember, yeah, people saying, oh, no, he's great. No, no, he wasn't. So I remember being at the top of the stairs and seeing Robert Robinson walking up the stairs. Now, he was known, I don't know if you're aware of this, as the king of comb-over. Oh, I know.

But he didn't have a comb-over. He had a sort of a comb round. It was an absolute work of art. It was like a spiral, a brill cream spiral. If he'd pirouetted, I think I would have been hypnotised. Like a Mr Whippy ice cream. It was like, if you can imagine, peeling an apple all in one piece and then replacing it on a slightly bigger apple.

So you can see the spot. It was a beautiful... There is an art to that, because I don't like it when they just slap it down like anchovies over a boiled egg. That's not the look I like. I like a walnut whip. Yeah, well, this was, honestly, it was an absolute work of art,

and that's what lived with me, but mine, I hope, didn't look like that. But it was a very... I went into the mayor's parlour. I mean, imagine what that was like. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, it was great. I heard a woman talking about you.

I was listening to some Midlands news broadcast. That's where I get all my news gathering. And a woman said, they said, what do you think of Frank Skinner being inaugurated? And she went, well, he's a rather enthusiastic chap, isn't he? I thought it was a lovely way to describe you. Yeah, I'll settle for that. I think that's all right that's good yeah but now i i i feel it's good but i feel in in in my innards a sulk coming

on i don't know quite how that's happening it'll be all right frank on radio frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio what else we've had some texts in haven't we go yes yes we have Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What else? We've had some texts in, haven't we, Gav? Yes, yes, we have. What, an 8, 12, 15? Good. David from Takerly says, I don't like sharing my Led Zeppelin T-shirt,

but my partner seems to think she can use it to sleep in. Not cool. I always find that's a bit of an insult, if the partner chooses something that you think is okay to go out in as something to sleep in. Yeah. Hmm. I remember Freddy Fingers from Boomtown Rats saying exactly the same thing to me once.

Dave, I love that black look that Gareth gives me when I mention somebody's name. Remember Freddy Fingers? He was friends with Andrea Corr. Was he? And Frank Muir. Did you know Mariam Darbo? Lisa in Essex, Frank. Lisa in Essex.

Has a chocolate memory, which I rather enjoyed. Morning, Frank and team. I deny everything. Frank, your chocolate story brought back horrific memories. That's it. No, I'm only joking. That'd be terrible if that was it. Brought back horrific memories of my own relating to a box of good news.

Do you remember those? Good news. Your kind of chocolates. Milk and plain. Good news. Chocolates are always welcome. That's good news. When I looked at that, it was seen as a big advertising plus milk and play.

You're not serious. Carry on. They were quite cheap chocolates, good news. Oh, were they? We'd be disappointed as a family if we got those. Sophisticated. I can't remember good news. Well, of course you can't.

You can't remember anything. Which is quite sad because it means there's been no good news all the time i've been alive certainly since you've been on this show carry on okay so a box of good news given to me in 1975 when i was six sadly my parents ate the whole box when i went to bed i didn't have one chocolate and the box was never replaced oh i still that's like sort of a gary coleman story when they spent all his money because i thought he'd be dead by the time he was 18 now i'm a broken down drug addict no but she does say i still feel sadness to this day at least for an essex now she needs to get some spectacles

that's the way to let go let go of that pain um buy yourself some chocolates and did you turn into dr pam spur here rabbi blitzstein seems to have turned off why is this just a show of names i've never heard of yes that's what we're doing today do you know lee bowyer is vaguely oh i knowyer. I don't know him. Used to be in blue. There you go. Lee Bowyer is a professional footballer who, if they ever do a travelling stage version of Steptoe and Son,

would be the perfect Albert Steptoe. He's got that sort of a look to him. He's quite rough, that one, isn't he? Yeah, well, get a load of this. I went to the football match, West Brom versus Birmingham last week. If you're not interested in football, don't worry, it's not a load of this. I went to the football match, West Brom versus Birmingham last week. If you're not interested in football, don't worry, it's not essentially a football story.

He got very angry on the pitch, a very angry young man. And he was taken off by his manager before something terrible happened. When he came back in, he started having an argument with his West Brom fans who sat just behind the players. Well, I sit about a few rows back, and I watch this. Anyway, I read the Daily Mirror. Somebody said, you're in the mirror. I'd look at Daily Mirror.

It said that he'd abused... You had a look in the mirror, and there you are. Yeah, exactly. He abused a grandmother. I mean, come on. He gave a verbal abuse. I can't possibly repeat. I mean, the first word was...

I can imagine it was colourful. The first word, I've never been quite sure whether it's a verb or an adjective. I'd say it's an intensifying adverb. Oh, I understand what it is. And the second one, I can't even give you a clue on. It's the worst two words. It is the worst two words. No, that's Kerry Katona, surely.

I'd say it was the second worst word followed by the worst word. Anyway, to an old lady with her grandson and it told this story which was a horrifying broken Britain kind of a story which is possibly the worst people to say it to an older lady and her grandson is it terrible and then it said sit in six rows back

Frank Skinner was particularly amused oh I mean well you've let us all down. I couldn't actually hear what was being... I thought it was funny that the Albion fans were having a go at leaving. I've been wrong.

Particularly. Yeah, particularly amused. It wasn't just funny. It was hilarious that he'd said that. You scammed the crowd for amusement and there you were. Can I say I've been wronged in the most extreme... I like it when celebrities get dragged into news stories, though. That's my favourite. I like it when celebrities get dragged into news stories, though. That's my favourite.

I like it when they get dragged into... Erma Nikki's boudoir. There you go. I came up with something in the end. I think the pause was worth paying that price for. By the way, speaking of football, one of my great football heroes is a bloke. I'll do this very quickly, but it's called Jeff Astle.

He was on my wall when I was a kid. He was on Fantasy Football. Yeah, his name was on my Roth book. I don't get any bigger than that. But his daughter is a bridesmaid today. I know we don't have a request, but her friends Glenn and Amy are getting married and one's a Wolves fan and one's an Albion fan.

So I don't believe in the mixed marriages in that respect. So we'll see. We'll see how that goes. But, you know, let's hope it goes at least because all right today. Imagine Wolves fans down one side of the church, Albion fans down the other.

Hopefully Bo is not there. There'll be a lot of chanting. There'll be some chanting. I don't think that's necessarily about... I bet they have The Lord's My Shepherd, which is their The Albion signature tune,

but you didn't know that. No. All together now. The Lord's voice. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. We're back from the news.

Izzy Sotty will be with us soon, but she's not here yet. Isn't she? We're not going to have an Ed Byrne situation on our hands. You saw her outside? Yes, she's here. Good. Thank God you're here. With your spying ways.

I'll tell you what I did see. Christie's. They're doing an auction of cuddly toys. I love a cuddly toy. Some of the price is on, but I wish i'd kept mine yeah well they've got um a harlequin bear which is valued at a hundred thousand pounds yes and they reckon it could

break the record i like the way gareth paused for us to go oh oh no we didn't no we didn't i was thinking harlequin bear what's that stuff you like a teddy bear. What is that? That's what I thought. Well, I wish I'd have kept now looking back, Big Ted, Little Ted, New Ted, Monkey and... What were your toys, Matt? And I had... We had a...

New Ted? I like the sound of you. Yeah, there was New Ted, Big Ted, and little Ted, and... Were these your toys? And then there was... What? What? We didn't know, you see.

We didn't know. It was wrong then. Oh, oh, oh, I see. Yeah, we didn't know it was wrong. I understand what you're doing. Oh, we had like a little red-tailed coat, I remember, and striped trousers. Did you just call your toys big Ted, little little ted didn't you give them names for goodness big ted little ted new ted i was called a horrible name for a toy new i called him that when he was

about 10 years old new ted i remember new teddy he had he's one of those bears that when you leaned him forward, he used to go... You know, like a cow in many ways. Oh, yeah. And then as he got older and he'd been knocked about and sat on a few times, it became a sort of a bleat. I can only call it... So you'd tip him over and he'd go...

And, oh, man, it wasn't... I had Big John. Big John? Yeah. Oh, I love oh i love what kind of creature was that big john was it he was a bear okay he was about three foot though he was taller than me i dragged him out of harrods once screaming my parents bought it for me taught me a very important lesson if you scream loud enough you'll get your own way it's great yeah i love that ted i've still got him you've still got big i've still got big john i can't believe it now he's frank's manager boy you are you in trouble

he's never been dragged out of harrod screaming he's been dragged into harrods Grave, I think. Did you have codling time? I had. Monkey, by the way. Can I say, Monkey had a perfect bite mark out of his ear. That was our Keith. Yeah. That was our Keith.

I've seen his teeth. If our Keith went missing, you could have got an exact match of his dental records from Monkey's ear. He just bit right through it. Wow. Was that new Monkey? There was only one monkey okay i had um i had a um what he was is he was a round orange thing with arms and legs garfield um no it was perfectly round an orange no it was um what it was, it was a bubble from Orange Aid. It was a bubble from Orange Aid? Yeah, it was like to advertise Orange Aid and it was around, I called him Ollie.

You had a promotional cuddly toy. That's pathetic. You were sponsored even then. It was really rubbish. Yeah. Orange Aid? Is that a brand name as well? Isn't that something from the famous Five? Yeah. Well, and then he had arms and legs.

And what he was very good for is you could hold his arm or leg and then hit people with him. I see. And we used to play mallet to mallet with him. What did you call it? Orangey? Ollie. Ollie the Orange.

Ollie, okay. Oh, it sounds a bit desperate. I think people often pick up down there. It's the alliteration. So it's Ollie the Orange. New Ted. New Ted. New Ted, though.

There's something good about it. It's like new labour. It was like I'd started a new era in the teddy bear business. Yeah. Yeah. Small, little Ted, rather, he belonged to my sister, Nora. He was about 50 when I was a child. He had no fur on him at all.

He was like that chimpanzee we saw in the paper. There's a sort of... Oh, don't, it makes me feel sick. There's a flayed chimpanzee in the paper this morning. And I said, that's what I look like inside. And Emma, the producer, said, no, I know his legs are quite muscular. She said, I think she used the word toned.

So she suggested I'm less attractive than a flayed chimpanzee. If you had to choose. Anyway, I've had a lovely email from Kath Marr. Kath Marr says, Hi, Frank. Hi, Marr. I have recently... I'm on top of the world, Ma!

I have recently become into some bit obscure references galore today. I'm sorry for anyone who doesn't know what the hell we're talking about. Everyone knows that one. Yeah. I've recently become interested in the fall, partly because you keep going on about them, and I think because I listen to the podcast at night in bed, therefore the fall have gone into my brain like osmosis.

Oh. the podcast at night in bed therefore the fall have gone into my brain like osmosis oh i think that isn't that the passage of a solution into a less soluble solution through a semi-permeable membrane oh very good so not the right kind like one of those self-help tapes you get to listen to while you're asleep anyway i wonder if you would mind giving me some recommendations on which albums to get as i don't know where to start don't know where to start. Don't know where to start? Exchange and mod. My first ever voiceover. I can still remember the words. Incredible.

Yes, well, there's a Greatest Hits album called 50,000 Fall Fans Can't Be Wrong, which is the perfect beginning, and you can get it quite cheap nowadays. And do you know, speaking of the fall, I was watching Five this week. Well, the boy band? No, the channel.

Oh, yeah. And they're doing a documentary about Eddie Stobart. You know Eddie Stobart? Oh, yeah, with the lorries. Yeah, and do you know what they use as the music to that trailer? What? Oh! Oh, marvellous.

That was the four container drivers. And to make things even better, Izzy Sutty has joined us in the studio. Good morning. Good morning. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. Good. It's my sing, so I'm feeling good.

I didn't actually turn your mic up then, so you started off a bit distant. Can I apologise? Yeah. I'm not used to strangers in the house. That's all right. Not that I regard you as a stranger. Can I make that absolutely clear? Izzy's a friend of the show indeed i am you know i used to have a i used to have a

jingle that said uh friend of the show there you go oh just for you so um so i went along to your show um on um thursday night and laugh it was really not was it really funny, but you are one of these performers, if you don't mind me saying, I don't want to embarrass you, that the audience, they don't just like, there's love in the room. Oh, thank you so much. There is, there's... I remember Des O'Connor said to me once.

Oh, God. He did, first time I did his show, he said to me, he said, you're one of those performers that people love, and I thought, I don't know what you're talking about, Des. He said, and I think you are definitely that. was it was a real i felt they could have all just wanted to hug you oh that's lovely thank you so much the night before you came it was horrible it was awful it was it was it would know it was it was it was very different i basically tried to guess what jobs people did in the audience and i thought one guy was a hairdresser or worked in sports science but he turned out to be a soldier and i can do 20 men's press-ups in a row so i said let's have a

press-up competition did you say men's press yeah men's because you know women's press-ups you put your knees on the floor they're different ones ladies did not i didn't know there was gender differentiation in the press-up world absolutely yeah i made it i was like i could do 20 men's press-ups and he was like, all right. And Ellis James, my support actor, came on as well, and he started doing claps, and the soldiers started doing claps, and then the soldier just beat me, basically.

Well, he would, wouldn't he? Yeah, but a bit of me thought I could do it. I did 23, that's the record, because of the adrenaline and competitiveness. Yeah, but to be honest, it's a story that makes me happy. I like to think that our soldiers are fitter than our comedians. Yeah. Because we don't ask, I mean, with all due respect, we just don't ask as much physically from our comedians

as we do from our soldiers. Yeah, that is true. I like to think I could fight, though, if it came down to it. You should have had a sharpshooting competition as well. Yeah, that would have been better. If you'd have had some dock. You need metal docks, ideally. But who has those lying around backstage?

No one. So you're on tour at You need metal docks, ideally. But who has those lying around backstage? No one. So you're on tour at the moment. I am, yeah. I've done a couple of dates out of London and then I've got this run at the Soho Theatre this week. I've just got tonight left. And then, yeah, off on tour properly next week. So lots of service station food. Do you like that?

Yeah, I do, actually. I quite like um i've got quite into i got this um fry up the other day in a tin where it was like tinned fry up oh i've seen those yeah it was amazing from a garage and there's like some kind of chemical between there's like the fry up in a tin and then an outer tin and a chemical between the two tins like nitrous oxide yeah something really dodgy and there's a metal key, you know when you had to undo a tin in the olden days and you wound it? It's like that, but you stab the space between the two tins and it releases this

chemical which heats up the fry up. That's brilliant. Yeah, and I bought, I had it between my legs in the car because I had a drink as well and my legs became incredibly hot, obviously. I don't like the sound of the drink, Izzy. It wasn't an alcoholic drink. No, no, listen, I had a bottle of vodka and I had this

fry up. No. You know, we had Rod Stewart on a couple of weeks ago. He told a similar story. He was in the tour van. The thing, and he thought to himself, hot legs. Write that down, he said, Jeff. Write a song in that. And that's how that song was born. Izzy, in case you don't know, Izzy,

I think most of our well you're everyone says peep show i heard you introduced as peep shows izzy suti do you like that i don't mind at all i thought you were gonna say you heard me introduced as peep show it's peep show hello um yeah no i don't mind it at all it's fine in it well it's massively popular it's nice to be part of that but um in case you've never seen iz he uh you must it must have been a toss-up whether you became a comedian or a singer because you i'm i feel like i'm heaping praise there but you have a beautiful voice you could have easily just been a singer can you straight singer well i did try but oh god if i brought up something a bit touching no i really i wanted to for a while the open mic circuit london but the songs that i

had were and i really did genuinely want to be, I didn't, these weren't intentionally comedy songs, but all my songs were too weird to fit in on that circuit. Like, my main song was about an accountant who covered himself with a fry-up. Why does everything I do seem to involve fry-ups? But he just was very lonely, and he just laid bits of a fry- up onto his skin and cuddled it

and it was called oh martin and his mum and dad were like why martin just get out find a girlfriend he was like i'm happy i've got i've got a sausage in my hand i've got a black pudding under my left armpit and stuff and i used to go to these series i can't see why that wouldn't have gone down well or can i what was wrong with them i'm'm surprised J-Lo wasn't on the line. Can I cover that? Can I cover... What is it called? Get up, Martin. Oh, Martin. Lady Gaga would definitely do that. She likes meat on her skin.

Yeah, she could do it in a meat dress. She could have had a fry-up dress. That would have been brilliant. A fry-up dress would be amazing. Hey, I was thinking about the meat dress, actually. Whether, my boyfriend said, is there an underlayer or is the meat in contact with her skin because if she had like a petticoat on underneath and then the meat on i think she probably had some greaseproof paper

maybe yeah why not i'm imagining there's some intestinal inner wall lining that that smooths the whole thing out and exfoliates at the same time. I think, you know the sponge you get in a packet of mints? I think that sponge underneath. Just underneath like a whole dress made of that. Yeah. I think that's always stained with blood, that piece.

It's not really sponge, it's a sort of porous blotting paper. Yeah, and I never know whether to put it in recycling or not. Do you put it in recycling? Oh God, I eat it. Very good question. I eat it. It's got more meat in it than the average meat pie. We'll be back with Izzy in a second.

We only have this excerpt. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Florence and the Machine, Dog Days Are Over. Dog Days Are Over. Izzy Sooty is with us. She sings better than that, but not on this show. Aye?

Aye. The peep show is Izzy Sooty. I heard you get quite a lot of fan mail on. She's got one just now, can I say, Izzy? Oh. From Mark in Wolverhampton. I love Izzy Sooty and I'm going to see her on her tour. I think she's funny, amazing and really attractive.

I knew we were going to get to something lewd towards the end. Yeah, I was thinking. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I do. Well, I don't get loads but I tend to get some weird stuff. Like when Peep Show was first on, I got a message on MySpace from a guy saying,

will you send me a photo of your hands in gloves and also immersed in water? And his profile picture was his own hands in gloves in a sink full of water. You know, just a collector, nothing to worry about. It's a themed collector.

Did he mean Marigold gloves? He didn't specify what kind of gloves, but the thing is, I don't have a camera, and I'm not very au fait with technology, so... It's a tricky photo as well, isn't it? I know, how do you press a point? Bear in mind, your hands are immersed in water and in gloves. You need an accomplice.

Or put the camera in your mouth and bite down on it when you want to take the photo. Is that possible? Well, depending on what... I mean, I know you can do 23 press-ups, but don't get overambitious. If you had one of those cameras from the 80s that was kind of thin and oblong

and it almost took the picture on its side... Are you telling us that you sent it or you didn't send it? No, I didn't do it. Of course I didn't. Did you reply at all? No. Well, if he's listening now, he'll know. He went too far, basically. Yeah.

If it had been one hand, it would have been fine. No, I have to... Yeah, I think that's all right. Especially the left hand. Then the photography would have been a simple thing. Can I ask you a question? What is a nonogram? Oh.

Because I read on your MySpace page... Yes, MySpace. I didn't know anyone else was on. It was me, you and 2,000 goth girls. That's it. I love MySpace. It's really old school now. It is, yeah. It's like the idea that something like that has become

sort of an old-fashioned tradition. No, and I like the fact that it's like new feature. You can talk to your friends. Like, it's really exciting. Have you ever seen any worse composed photographs of pets than you get on MySpace? No, absolutely not. I mean, a photo of your cat is bad.

A photo of your cat slightly off frame. It's inexcusable. Yeah. So, what are... Nonograms is one of your hobbies. Yeah, nonograms are these... It's a grid. So, if you imagine a blank grid, and then vertically and horizontally, there's numbers.

And you have to fill in, colour in squares depending on what numbers there are. So for instance, it might say 6.5. And that means that along that row, there'll be six black dots. And then, sorry, six black squares. I'm not explaining this very well. And then at least one dot and then five black squares.'m not explaining this very well, and then at least one dot and then five black squares. You colour it in? Yeah, and make a picture.

I've never heard of that before. It's great. It sounds like dot to dot but it's actually very difficult. I like colouring in though. I might do that. But Izzy's interests are good because they also include derelict buildings. Oh. It's a shame you're not in the Commonwealth Games team.

You'd have had a fabulous couple of weeks out there. Can't I qualify for my press, 23 men's press? Well, you probably could, actually. You could certainly qualify to supervise the building. Yeah, I love derelict buildings. Do those still exist, though, derelict buildings? Yeah, definitely. Like, there's one in Forest Hill that actually,

they're building on it now, so you can't go in. But I've been into that. I've been into quite a few in London. How did you get in? Just walked in with my mate Nick from Brighton. We just drove up there and just walked in. You made a special journey to go to a derelict house. Absolutely.

We surveyed the area for ten minutes and then no one was there. We just walked in through the door and there was loads of stuff in there. I think the reason I like them is because where I grew up, there was loads of derelict buildings. Me too. Yeah. We lived in them. And it sort of reminds me of my childhood.

With New Ted. Me and New Ted, yeah. We had a bedsit. Or was it a Ted-sit? New Ted-sit. Yeah, there was a derelict school that we used to do Ouija boards in and stuff. Oh, God. I know.

But what I like about derelict buildings is the stuff that's left there. And I find it really interesting that buildings are just abandoned, like whole hospitals or, you know, castles are just abandoned. And why? And, you know, I don't think think i think you walk into a building and there's an atmosphere that you immediately experience you sometimes don't register it damp it is damp a drug addict in the corner so you can get out the best but you know those houses where half of them have been taken down and you can see like somebody's fireplace and that but

it's just in midair just sticking out i love that yeah me too i love that too i went to this derelict um to this ghost town in near la in the desert and there was a massive mansion there that was derelict and me and my mate nearly broke into it but it was so scary was it an officially designated ghost town yeah you could go there and you had to put like um a dollar in this box and then there was no one there it was just in the middle of the desert it was insane and does it say you are entering oh yeah it's called ghost town yeah absolutely it's like mentryville's on its side like a horror film then you drive through with the only people there in the desert there were lizards and rats everywhere and then we were about to break into the mansion because i was like

come on let's do it and then this kind of park ranger came round the corner and was like, girls, what are you doing? I thought I was going to get arrested. Oh, no. Yeah. Luckily, Yogi Bear. With a picnic basket. OK, we'll be back with more, Izzy, after this. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I read somewhere that it's probably on MySpace, which is all I really read, I'll be honest with you. Yeah. You it's probably on MySpace, which is all I really read, I'll be honest with you. Yeah. You're always going about MySpace. They were great, weren't they? The Mission. I love them. I read that your... No, it was The Cult.

Your dream job would be to write a musical sitcom. Yeah, I'm still... Has there ever been a musical sitcom? Well, there's Flight of the Conchords, which exposes... It's not a musical, is it's flight of the concords which exposes it's not a musical no it's not um i'd like to write a sitcom where the music drives the narrative forward so you know like the film greece that all the songs in that either reveal something about the character like beautiful dropout or they drive the narrative forward like summer loving so it's

explaining what happened to so i'd like to write a musical like that where we wouldn't just burst into song and go, we're in a studio, we're singing. We'd burst into song and go, I hate my space really, but I'm saying I like it, kind of thing. I love it, actually, so that's not true. But do you know what I mean? Yes.

Buffy did it. There was a one-off Buffy, the vampire slayer. Oh, yeah. That was a musical. Do you remember? Do you want to connect me? No, there wasn't. I'm telling you there was. You know I'm phobic about anything vampire. Oh, yeah. That was a musical. Do you remember? Do you want to look at me like, no, there wasn't. No. I'm telling you there was.

You know I'm phobic about anything vampire. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot about that. No, I think, well, just, why don't you just write one? Well, I have. Oh, you have written one? Yeah, I've written two pilots that were immediately turned down.

Oh, okay. And, again, I seem to have brought up all the bad things in your life. It's fine. This is part of the job. I like that Frank Skinner school of honesty, though, is he? I like he i like that oh yeah there's no point in um i know yeah there's room for it though definitely yeah i think i'll get it done one day i've got a way i think

commissioners are a bit scared of it they sort of go well pick people the audiences won't you know they'll sort of go oh god they're singing but i think if you do it in a way that they you know if they go oh this is a sitcom oh they're just singing cool you know you have to sort of work out the right tone i'll get there in the end i reckon yeah can i have a cameo as the janitor absolutely gravel voiced you know lee marvin in paint your wagon i was born down here where the pipes are steaming that kind of thing absolutely why don't we set it in the derelict house well because there's no one in there but it could be i'm gonna i'm gonna write it it could be called derelict house we could all be ghosts in the derelict oh i think i think that's

been done isn't it rent a ghost why don't we have one person called delboy one person called rodney in there well i think that'd be all right for about three series and then it's time to drag, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? You'd need a new uncle, definitely. You'd need to introduce an uncle. Is that uncle died as well? They get through uncles. Some people get through small boxes of good news chocolates.

I don't know. Anyway, Izzy, it's been lovely talking to you as ever. And I very much recommend people to go and see the show. I don't want to tell too much about it, but some of the songs are just absolutely brilliantly funny and great. Thank you. And when I say some of them, I mean most of them.

I mean, some of them are just brilliant. Some of them are absolutely brilliant. Some of them are out of this world. Yeah, it's myspace.com forward slash. Oh, yeah. If you go to MySpace, forward slash. That's always good advice. Yeah.

Because if it's windy... I'm sorry, but it was lovely talking to you. And you. I think you've got the biggest entourage of anyone we've ever had on the show. You've brought two people in. People sometimes bring nobody. They're just off the street. Yeah, well all right they look cold wonderful life hurts says on my notes new duo from manchester like i never get notes on my notes, new duo from Manchester. Like, I never get notes on my notes about the band. For the first time ever, brackets after hurts, new duo from Manchester.

Like, that's important that we have to say that. There'll be some sort of deal going on behind the scenes. Do you think there is? Yeah. New duo from Manchester, so what? Oh, do you think it's Ben Jones and some bongs? I hope not. Not Ben Jones.

Not the Jonester. He's above that kind of thing. By God. His ear looks good. I know. He didn't make anything. I don't want to be accused of bullying again. Let's just leave the Ben Jones alone. Make him feel self-conscious. Yes. I was made to

feel self-conscious this week. Were you? Yeah. I was. I was doing a gig in Swansea University. Oh. Yeah. yeah i was i was doing a gig in swansea university and um yeah swansea metropolitan university i should say yeah um and um i i there was a bit i did one it went ever so well you know i'm ever like to say that yeah exactly but um i there was one joke that i did probably three quarters of the way through the set that got absolutely nothing none of them got it and so i stopped the show and i said right hands up who got that joke and five people got the joke okay i like that you stopped the show or thought they

got the joke yeah and then it was sort of i was being sort of playful about it and i said so any other um you know let's workshop things a bit. Any other tips? Anyone got anything to say? And the man at the back said, your voice is too low. You're sure it was a man, not a dog? No, it wasn't. What did he mean by that?

Did he mean quiet or did he mean deep? Like deep. He said, my voice is too deep. You haven't got a pitch of my voice. Too deep to be funny. He was unhappy with the pitch said my voice is too deep. Too deep to be funny. He was unhappy with the pitch of my voice. Did you try and remedy that in any way? Yeah, I did the rest of the gig falsetto.

You know, I was at a Paul Robeson gig once where a similar thing was called out. Too deep. But, guys... Deep river, my heart lies o'er but Jordan. Peter Andro there, ladies and gentlemen. I don't think Gareth's got a deep voice. I've got a deep voice.

He's got a wimpy, light, fluty, reedy kind of a voice. Well, the thing was that I was... A Glenmillan off-key squeak. It made me feel self-conscious because people used to make fun of me in French for having a deep voice. Yeah, but we've all got a deep voice, haven't we, the French? Well, exactly. I mean, you have to go down there. You can't do it.

If you do it hard, you become, yeah, you become like some sort of animated creature. I don't think that's... Well, it's an interesting gig, as gigs go, you'd agree? Yeah, it was OK, and I've learnt something. I think I was too... What have you learnt? Maybe to speak a bit higher. Well, I wouldn't do that on the strength of one man's opinion.

We can have a... Should Gareth speak higher, that's this week's texting. 8, 12, 15. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Okay, golden brown stranglers. That's what I like for breakfast.

I used to like those golden grahams, but they didn't have enough oomph. You know what I'm saying? Well, we've had some lovely texts this year.. You know what I'm saying? Well, we've had some lovely texts this year. I do know what you're saying. Yeah, good. You didn't have to read it. It was a rhetorical question. The first one

that is from Tracy Hollowood. Is it Hollywood? I was one of the first women decorators in Manchester in 1979. Brilliant. That'll do me. I don't need any more information about it. Congratulations. How does she know that? She feels very sure of herself.

One of the foremen, who was a really nice guy, so I feel mean telling you this, had a walnut whip hairdo that he wrapped around his head. One windy day he appeared round the corner and came over to talk to me. Just as he popped his head round the corner, his hair unravelled in an instant. It was most surreal having a conversation with him whilst his hair was rigidly sticking out at a 45 degree angle. Felt like time stood still. It's good that Tracy had a protractor with her.

She could check that out. Well, a walnut whip hair, do you see? I would have gone for the lime barrel well that's the choice that was your favorite not easy not easy not easy to carry off um talking of chocolate you know we were talking about things people hated sharing yes we've had a text in there's no name it's 437 that's gareth's technique i went through the desert on a text with no name. It's so good to get out. Everybody. After it.

Rain in the desert. Everybody. I don't know the lyrics. No, I don't know anything. So 437 says, A up. Oh, dear. I hate sharing crisps. There's something mildly irritating about someone's hand of unknown cleanliness rustling around in the packet.

I like the hand of unknown cleanliness rustling around in the packet. Hmm. I like the hand of unknown cleanliness. Sounds like... Very Samuel Beckett. Yeah, or some old mythical tale. Hi Frank, I've just looked Emily on the net. I love her posh voice. If she is ever in

Liverpool, I am willing to show her round, Sean. Well, I can tell you now she isn't. Okay, so next week's guest is Alan Coch Well, I can tell you now she isn't. Okay, so next week's guest is Alan Cochran, who is one of my favourite comics ever. Oh, I like him. And you can download Not The Weekend podcast from Wednesday morning, which is sort of completely nothing

to do with it. Well, it's to do with his show, but it's not the same stuff. It's the thing, and you can only get it on there. Ben Jones is next, and Ben Jones shops it next. So that's a coincidence. Okay. That's about all from us. I'm going to be in the director's box at the Emirates Stadium

this afternoon. That's the kind of crazy wacky live I lead. Hoorah! Good day to you. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.