The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Jason Byrne

Episode Date: February 19, 2011

Irish stand up Jason Byrne joins Frank, Emily and Gareth for their 100th show.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. So, this is the 100th show. I'm Frank Skinner and I'm with Gareth and Emily.

I know, we don't have any cake, I notice. I thought the bosses would lay something on for us. Well, you know, it could still be a surprise. It better be. Yeah, I don't want anyone making a big fuss about it. People at home thinking, so what? Do I keep count of how many times I go to work? No, I don't.

Do I think, oh, this is the 100th time I've clocked in at this factory? Of course not. I'll tell you what happened to me last night, speaking of broken Britain. Oh, yeah. I was with, some of you will know that I live with my girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. You know, that's the 21st century.

And at the moment, her sister is living with us as well. So, me and her sister, Rachel, we've got what we call the cinema club. So once a week, me and her get to the cinema because, well, my girlfriend, having seen Black Swan, said she'd never go to the cinema again. Really? She'd rather saw her foot off with a piece of ragged wood. Doesn't that happen at some point in Black Swan? I'm sure it does. 127 days, is it?

Oh, yeah. Hours, Gal. In your case, it would be days. Yeah, I don't know if you could last 127 days. The arm's got to go before then. The arm would be so thin by then, you didn't even cut it off. You can just wriggle out. Oh, sounds quite good.

Anyway, so I went to the cinema. We were standing outside the cinema in Haymarket in London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England, and we were just standing, you know, doing those things about whether we're going to have salty or sweet, those kind of pre-cinema debates. Yeah. And Rachel was just finishing a Chinese

takeaway and suddenly there was this noise and I thought, oh God, what was that? And this woman next to her said, oh, someone threw an egg. And someone going past in a car had thrown an egg. An egg? An egg. Wow. Yeah, but that must have worked quite well with the Chinese food. Well, luckily, it was all up the back of Rachel's legs and on a coat. I mean, who are these people? I've had an egg thrown in my direction. Yeah? Yeah.

What was the context? Well, I was in Brighton. I was on the front. A friend for evolution. I said, let them eat cake, and they didn't like it no and they kept exactly very similar there was no chinese to soften the blow though it goes everywhere doesn't it what an egg well it does i mean they're fragile in the extreme i've discovered they should think about that before they throw them yes they must have say two or three dozen

eggs in the back of the car they They must drive around London all night. It was a drive-by egging, is what it was. And no Lady Gaga inside? No. Not as far as I saw. What about if I'd been hit in the face? What about that? What if it hadn't snapped?

What if it had just lodged in one of my eye sockets? These people, what if I'd had my mouth open talking talk it, say yawn, it'd have gone and wedged in my windpipe. That is a worry. Yeah. Was it mainly Rachel affected by the air? Yes, she took the brunt of it, I'll be straight. But what, I mean, what's happened to this? Well, the thing is though, Frank, you have been in the papers and

on telly and stuff dressed as a giant chicken. Oh, you think that's what it is? Yeah. Maybe that's something. Crispin egg sandwich. I need to work out which came first. Looking back. Anyway, thanks to Vicky Blythe for the last nine and a half hours. Take me back to dear old Blythe. Yes.

I want to call her dear old Blythe from now on. She's nice, actually. She is nice. Yeah. I'd have happily had her jump out of a cake. Oh, I'm glad you said that. A big hundred. It's always going to be nice, obviously. So, I'd have happily had her jump out of a cake. Oh, I'm glad you said that. And been holding up a big hundred. It's always going to be nice, obviously.

So, yeah, I've had... I'll tell you what I did have by way of special treats, though. Go on. You may recall, regular listeners to this show, yes, you four people, that I've had a new shower put in in my apartment. Oh, yeah. But I am so... So... put in in my apartment. Oh, yeah. But I am sans soap dish.

I'm sans soap dish. You try saying sans soap dish. It's not easy. I have no soap dish. Oh, yeah. So I'm having to wedge me imperial leather in behind the pipes. Oh, God. Frank.

That's all right for the first three washes, but then it gets to a size where it won't lodge. I don't want to know about the Imperial leather. It won't lodge correctly. Anyway, a nice... I hate that you use old prison soap. I've got the old prison. That's what they should have done, absolute.

On the walls, absolute, there are album sleeves that have been embroidered by prisoners. By old lags. Yeah. Well, probably current lags, presumably. They could have done us a lovely 100th card, couldn't they? Yeah? I think that would have been nice. A few little arrows.

Do they still have little arrows? Has that stopped? No, because they're not in Top Cat. Okay. Prisoners don't have little arrows. No, they have mobiles and cocaine. That's what I say. No wonder people are throwing eggs. You can't say mobiles. No, they have mobiles and cocaine. That's what I say. No wonder people are throwing eggs. You can't say mobiles. OK, sorry.

Anyway, I had a letter from Keith. K-E-E-E-F. Oh, R. Keith. That's not R. Keith. And he sent me a soap dish. That's lovely. You can tell he's a business bloke. He said, and I'm sending you, I'm supplying you with one times soap holder.

One times. It's not a letter, it's a chitty, is what it is. And he's written from, how much of a company name is this? You know when there's some companies you think, God, could they get anything to sound more like a company? He's written to me from TAP Refurbishment. Tap. Tap, it could be tap refurbishment. Tap. Tap.

It could be tap refurbishment, seeing as he's saying soap dishes. Anyway, thanks for that, Keith. May I say that I shall be standing naked to that gift for that, yes, for ages. Oh, how did we get through 99 of these? Anyway, you can text us at 81215 about anything you like. Or send us a present. You can text us at 8.12.15 about anything you like. Or send us a present. You can text us a present if you like. What's that?

Have we got any taboo subjects we don't want to be texting about? No, my... Leeds. The City of Leeds. Certain people I've dated. Other than that, I'm fine. City of Leeds and extendable dog Leeds are out. 8.12.15.

Our guest today is Jason Byrne. I'm Roman Catholic what else do you need to know that's relevant to the show oh I don't know Frank we've had an email in from Lee Thomas I've been sitting here waiting, sitting by the

computer thinking, for goodness sake someone help us This is from Lee Thomas in Japan Japan! Good morning Tokyo Nice to be seeing you Remember that? No

Hello Frank, at the end of your last show, you mentioned that you were dreading the prospect of having to go onto the field at half-time at the Hawthorns and talk about crisps, especially if West Brom were 3-0 down. Of course, as it turned out, they were 3-0 up at half-time. I just wanted to know exactly what it was that you said. Well, I mean, I didn't say.

It wasn't as terrifying as I thought. Well, the crisps. I mean, to be honest, I mean, just between us three, I'm a bit fed up now with the whole crisp thing. Can I be honest as well? You're becoming a bit of a crisp bore. Well, exactly.

We talk about them all the time, crisps. There's not much to say about... What can you say about crisps? I've started telling all sorts of lies about them. It's a very descriptive name. It kind of sums them up. Yeah. Well, exactly. And, you know, I want to be... crisps i've started telling all sorts of lies about that it's a very descriptive name it kind of sums them up yeah well exactly and you know i want to be obviously there's a i mean there was a bit where i said and for every but i was on the pitch and i said for every bag sold 5p goes to

red nose day and it got a big round of applause it was quite an emotional but i thought well i'm what am i doing really i'm just appearing on a crisp bag and doing this. I'm doing nothing, nothing for the third world. I'm wasting eggs for a start-off, if you can blame me for that. It was, I went on and the mascot was there. Oh, yeah. And I don't know if you know, but I was the mascot once. I went on in the mascot outfit.

Have I ever told you about that? Yeah, and you quite like the anonymity oh i love the anonymity yeah what is that anyway um yeah and and so it was he's a giant thrush oh yeah the mascot that rings a bell yeah and um he said to me i went up to him and i shook his like his bird hand his his talon. How old? He's in a big suit. How old do you think he is, though? Don't you have any idea from the voice?

I'd say he's about, he's late 30s. Oh, I thought they were kiddies, that's awful. Oh, no, no, no, you couldn't trust a child in a big suit like that. Anything could happen. And he said to me, so, when you coming back in here? Meaning the suit. Wow.

Well, I mean... It was all sorts of difficult. I thought, well, it sounds like I'm joining him in there. Yeah. Is there going to be two of us in it one week? He wasn't in there last time, was he? I didn't notice him if he was in there. He might have huddled into one of the wings.

Maybe he's in the West Wing. Yeah, so that was a strange situation for a start off. And then they said to me, oh, you've got to give a prize. One of the guys in the crowd, he's won a year's supply of crisps. Wow. I thought, well, how do you estimate that? Yeah. It's good. I've always thought that. How do you know what a year's supply is? Well, also, Frank, just say you're the man at my corner shop Mehmet, who only the other day said to me

David? What's he called? Mehmet David Mehmet No He's a playwright He wrote American Buffalo, didn't he? And Oleana, I think he wrote That's a very radio forecast

It's not going to play well. You should be better off on Absolute Avant-Garde, our new digital channel. Music isn't just for fools. Do you want to know what Mehmet said to me? By the way, for any estranged Roman Catholics, we've got a new digital channel called Absolute Absolution. When Father Dave McRae

will forgive any sins that you like to get across. That's Absolute Absolution because sorry seems to be the hardest word. Sorry, carry on. You were saying? So Mehmet said to me, he said... Mehmet. Mehmet said, do you know, he said,

listen to what he said to me. He said, I love crisps. I said, oh, that's lovely, Mehmet. He went, I eat so many, I eat a pack an hour. I said, a pack an hour? And how many hours does he work? And he said, I reckon loads. By the end of the day, yeah, he has loads. But can you imagine if that was him, though?

Is he big, Mehmet? No, he's not. He's very sprightly. Well, if there's any children listening, clearly this is a proof. I'd say this is a green light for crisp eating. See, we've been told that whenever we talk about crisp, we have to say,

but I do suggest you eat them as part of a healthy, balanced diet. Is that right? Yeah. Does he eat other stuff, Mamet? I don't know anything else about his diet. Mummy, that's his mum. She's called Mummy. David Mamet wrote Mamet. I don't know anything else about his diet. Mommy, that's his mom. She's called Mommy. David Mamet wrote Mamet.

I don't know how you say it. Wrote Glencoe Glen Ross and the verdict. Just plain fleshing it out. Oh, dear, oh, dear. As I drove away from the... They gave out free crisps at the end of the game to everyone leaving the ground. I mean, what's 8,000 packets of crisps

when you think about it? As I drove away, these crisps were all over the streets, blowing round under my car wheels. It's my stupid face with my seven quid haircut. Just blowing around West Bromwich.

It's some terrible, bleak image of how I've dispersed my talent into the crisp business. What about that? Wow. I say, what about that? Imagine how Gary Lineker feels. He's been doing it for ages. He feels like death.

God, I can't imagine the bleak storm of his inner world. Anyway, good player in his day. It's true, though, that no-one knows this radio show exists. I say, I'm doing this radio show. They go, are you? Are you doing a radio show? I didn't know that. No-one does today. They won't text or email in. But they still say, oh, you're on the crisp package.

Is that, have I got that the right way around i wonder this is frank skinner on absolute radio um so frank guess where i've been i've been spreading myself all over the red carpet this week nothing new about that oh uh i've been at the baftas i was at the brits as well oh the brits yeah did you watch it on telly? Yes, I did watch it on television. Well, can I just say, being there, I felt very old, Frank. I really felt my age. I mean, I kept my coat on throughout because I was cold. That's very Nana at the football, isn't it?

Yeah. It really was. I had my arms folded throughout whilst Rihanna was writhing around in front of me. Oh, Rihanna. Yeah. Do you like Rihanna? No, I do. She got a standing ovation as well.

I didn't stand for that. I remained seated at all times. I'm not saying that Rihanna is... I'm not saying she's a talented woman, but she isn't. But she's very keen on getting her legs out. Oh, is that what you call them? Rihanna. No, but I...

I mean, I wouldn't normally say this about a woman, but as she's so keen to get them out I don't think they're her best feature by quite a long shot. Oh. They look to me, when we used to make Guy Fawkes for begging, we used to beg at the time of the year. Oh, right. Yeah. We used to stuff me mum's tights.

Oh, right. And so they'd be stuffed in a very sort of straight, you know, crushed up paper. And that's'd be stuffed in a very sort of straight, you know, crushed up paper. And that's what she's got those very... Rihanna does not have Guy Fawkes legs. Yes, well, I'm saying that she has the legs of a 17th century Roman Catholic terrorist. No, they're not her best feature. She's got a beautiful face and all that, but I would keep...

If I was her, I'd get a nice pair of Czech Oxford bags, and that's what I'd wear on stage. Oh, God. The legs... So harsh. No, I'm... Well, she's brought it on herself, though. You know, I've got a very scrawny, horrible sort of toast-wrapped chest.

I'm glad you said that. Yeah, so I tend not to wear sort of open-top, you know, outfits. Mostly just toast. Yeah, I wear a bit of toast. Where do you stand on the Rihanna leg debate? I think Rihanna's an attractive lady. Oh, you went a bit creepy now. She's got a lovely face.

But you don't think those are her best features? The leg shot. Put the legs away, Rihanna. That's my advice. She has sort of a big sparkly curtain. Yes, she does. Well, I've heard that. But I'm not one. we don't indulge the other

thing that made me feel all by the way everyone was having champagne and vodka do you know i had a cup of tea you managed to get a cup of tea that reminds me when i went to see uh pauline black's penetration which was a punk band at birmingham old you know i had ice cream in the interval it was on sale why not i felt great with my tea, Frank. How did you get that at the Brits? Because there's a little Starbucks that ran in the O2, so if you can get someone to go out for you, which I was able to.

Of course, of course, you could. So I managed to get a nice cup of tea, so sat there with glasses on, arms folded, coat on, cup of tea, and then a series of people came on. I didn't know how many of these people were. It's because they took those two draft excluders away from the door. I know those were Rhianna's legs. Right! So who came on. I didn't know how many of these people were. It's because they took those two draft excluders away from the door.

I know those were Rhianna's legs. Right. So who came on? CeeLo Green. Yeah, what was... Tiny Temper. Tiny Temper. I have to say, I did feel quite old watching. I didn't know any of those people. My favourite bit was when Tiny Temper said, because his single

passed out, he did it with the Labyrinth. And he said so have you googled him no i know all about it he's so google he's so google my fingers on the pulse and um he said i can see that lentil under your nail i can't i can't i can't accept this award without labyrinth i can't accept that well that's what he was saying. Yeah. And then there was that horrible silence. And then just horrible silence. It was awful. And what? Labyrinth got lost.

Yeah. If your name's Labyrinth, you can't get lost. Oh, I see. And then, Frank, then a man ran on and set fire to himself. Oh, God, I know that terrible... I thought I was... I had tears in my eyes. I thought it was real.

I thought there'd been an accident. I thought James Corden had been lighting his own wind. Because he has that look about him as a man who'd light his own wind. And I thought it had gone wrong. And he'd just been running around on fire. I mean, it would have been one of the great Brits. Right. He would have still gone better than I did, to be fair.

All the celebrities were there. I saw Tess and Vernon were there. Well, I don't know if they had a seat, but they kept just standing. It was like they were gate-crashing. They never sat down. They were just milling around, moving from table to table. He was probably trying to talk her out of a sulk.

They probably had a row and she's like, Oh, come on, we're going. He's going, Oh, come on. Oh, no. Do it. Go. Oh, do it. Go.

He's probably saying all that. Oh, yeah. I was playing the ukulele for most of it. What, throughout the Brits? Yeah, I was at home. I wasn't that. Oh, yeah. I was playing the ukulele for most of it. What, throughout the Brits? Yeah, I was at home. I wasn't there. Oh, OK. So they'd say, and now it's C-Li-Lo-Lo Green.

It's not C-Li-Lo-Lo Green. And I go, I'm going to clean in with this. So I didn't hear anything that they sang. Niles Barkley, they weren't very good. They're not on it. That was C-Lo Green at Niles Barkley, they weren't very good. They're not on it. That was Cee Lo Green, Niles Barkley, four years ago. And also, take that and what Gareth calls the apocalypse clothing. I don't like those outfits.

I don't think it's quite right. You were a bit concerned about Robbie Williams, weren't you? Well, Robbie Williams used to be the king of the Brits and now he's just in the background looking bitter. Yeah. I was worried about that I thought I would not have been stunned if he just suddenly took out an automatic rifle and took seven or eight people away not just fellow band members but people just happened to be in the

he had that look about him it's only a matter of time before he goes postal you heard it here first. And Cheryl Cole described Rihanna as my girl crush. Oh yeah, she did. Well, not yours, it seems. Well, no, like I say, great newsreader, Rihanna would be. Beautiful newsreader. It's one of those, oh God, she's beautiful, that newsreader. I saw her out the other day on... Yeah. I think we should talk about that. Do you have a same-sex crush, Em? Well... Save it, because I'm going to play a track I really, really like,

and I'd just like to get into that. I don't want to go into it off filth. I understand. Do you know what I mean? I want to go into it... I feel bad about Rihanna now, but I've said she's got a beautiful face. Yeah.

Great top half. If you want to make it physical. Great top half? I'm talking about aihanna now, but I've said she's got a beautiful face. Yeah. Great top half. If you want to make it physical. Great top half. I'm talking about a footballer. Horrible. She is a game of two halves. That's what she is. But I wouldn't normally talk about her.

But she's made, she's so, you know, get your clothes off. She's made it that you can't not talk about her in those terms. So she's brought it on herself. Well, there you go. She's doing ever so well, though, don't you think? Oh, God, I don't think so. I don't think she'll care about me doing a show that no-one's heard of for a bag of crisps.

This is Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. That's Oh, Pity by Cashier No. 9. No. 9? No. 9? No, some of you have texted in this morning. Might have thought, well, they haven't read my text out. Yeah. That's because we've only just got the machine working that sends a text.

So what we've had now is an avalanche. So there might be a brief period while that goes on. But thank you for your text. We just thought that you didn't care and you'd stop texting. There's lots of lovely texts is that nice can you give me an example just off the top of your head well there's a few people texting and they've had egg incidents as well is that right yeah is there a spate there's a spate of eggs

michelle michelle from lee michelle is a good person to have an egg incident she's called michelle from lee that's a bit odd. She says, Frank, re-eggs. I went to see Dartford... Re-eggs? Is that the one with the square legs? Re-egger. No, go on. Sorry. She went to see a school. I'm actually not going to name the school. No. But it was a secondary school option for their

daughter. Walking back to the train station, car passed at high speed and I was hit. Covered in gunk. Heart racing. Violated. Well, it's a fabulous... It's a sort of turn into a telegram at the end. No, she says. Well, she then adds,

a few minutes later, they came back for my hubby. Will never go to Dartford again. So don't go to that school. No. Whichever one it may be. So it is. It's not...

I thought it was... It had never happened to anyone before. That was the way I was feeling about it. There's loads of people out there, Frank. Well, Rachel says the egg definitely came first. Chickens were descended from dinosaurs and they lay eggs. Oh, I see. But the text has gone off now.

Text has gone again. Something's happened. Oh, OK. So thanks for that brief little... It was like, if you can imagine there was just a slight slit in the curtain the dark curtain that's fallen on us we are separated from the outside world there was a moment when the light shone you know it's beautiful i could feel it on my face it's tremendous news it's light and dark it's like being you know we're in the car driving

down a sort of leaf at sort of tree covered lane and the sun is sometimes there sometimes not it becomes intermittent yeah okay so what about anyway same-sex crushes oh yeah so you wanted to know mine frank yes well i'm reluctant to say because there's the obvious one i know everyone says it but subo obviously but as well as that i thought she was my same-sex crush yeah that's the great thing about her she's like the swiss army penknife for everyone yeah um i do like alexa chung i really like her do you know that one frank yeah start me on that don't you like her oh she's one of my favourite girl crushes. Why not? I was walking across, is it called the Jubilee Bridge? No, the Hongerford Bridge, I think it's called,

crosses the Thames. And she was there doing a link for whatever was that date. I mean, there's no excuse for that. What was that pop programme she did? Oh, T4, that T4 thing she used to do. Yeah, that pop program that t4 pop program pop world sound like me and the brits and uh i said to her oh shall i shall i join you for this link what does she say and look obviously joking and she went um and looked at me like i was like i was just scum. Oh, dear.

And I thought, that's me. I mean, she might have been nervous, preoccupied. It could have been a one-off. I don't care. Maybe it was your £7 haircut. She might have been judging you. Well, maybe, compared to her £7,000 haircut. Maybe it did look bad.

So, no, she's my girl crush. What about yours, Gareth? She's got a very... I mean, she is a beautiful woman. Like Sackula Borde. She's a beautiful woman on the outside. That's what I'm saying. Gareth? I'm liking Andrew Garfield. i mean she has she's a beautiful circular board um she's a beautiful woman on the outside that's what i'm saying gareth i'm liking um i'm liking andrew garfield at the moment he's going to be

the new spider-man yeah from the social network i know him yes oh you like oh no you see i wouldn't like he's going to be hairy do you think if you've got to go same sex i want someone who's going to be smooth but i tell you what put me up tile type donkin goodhue is mine no no it isn't no no who's yours and then i'll tell you what put me off imagine if you was walking down the street and someone threw donkin goodhue out of a speeding car be a while before you'd actually registered you hadn't been uh mine finally coincidentally would also be from social network oh what about that what jesse eisenberg yeah jesse eisenberg oh he's one of mine yeah yeah i don't know why but i find him a strangely compelling i was thinking this week that i think all men are either the andrew garfield

character or the jesse eisenberg you're actually thinking that god bless you for having such a thought yeah and so maybe you you know, that's... You know, and we look for our other half. It's somewhat specific about... He looks puzzled. He always looks puzzled, Jesse Eisenberg, and I like that in a partner. That's the look I'm after.

I don't want people thinking that I just like... He's my type. I don't want Rupert Grint sitting at home thinking, I'm in here. Because, I'm sorry, Rupert, but you very much aren't. He doesn't look puzzled at all. No, he's not puzzled. He's not troubled about anything.

He just goes through life like a fool. I actually have a massive crush on Jesse Eisenberg. You as well? Yeah. What a three in a bed that could be. Oh, God. We could do a fivesome. Me and Andrew Garfield. We don't want you two in the bed. that could be. We could do a fivesome. Me and Andrew Garfield.

We don't want you two in the bed. That'd be great. We need a duvet. You could make one out of web. That's tonight sorted. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest minty show in town. Sponsored by Treebar Soft Mints.

Absolute Radio. By the way, Jason Byrne is with us after the news. Yep. JB. JB, as we call him. Do we call him that? We do now. Anyway, very funny man. He'll be on after. What else?

So the listeners will be very excited to hear that I've spent a lot of time on the train again this week. Oh, you are a train enthusiast. Always good. We need to get some train-type music to play under this. You look like a train enthusiast. Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry. So what happened on the train? So I was this week, because sometimes technology throws up new moral conundrums and loving loving that can i get that on the t-shirt yeah i think so the train is not new technology but i was i was watching i had eight hours a day on tuesday and wednesday on the train were you trans siberia went to um edinburgh oh i'm back um and i had um so to pass the time, I had

The Sopranos on DVD. Oh, I can't bear that. Do you not like it? Why not? Don't you hate it, Frank? To be honest, I got the box set and I watched the first seven episodes and I thought, I've seen it now. I was Italian and going, yeah, Tony, what are you doing? I thought, I've seen this, how many times have I seen this in films?

Italian people shooting people, yes. It was like some terrible 80s pizza advert anyway the genius of the extended series is that they you know making something happen in slightly different ways over and over again over a very long period of time it's that you're selling it very well they should use you in the trailer well what they do to spice the sopranos up is they have sexy scenes well they use they use curritso sausage in our house. Trust me, none of the people in that show are sexy. No, it's kind of gritty,

kind of dark, so they have scenes in a strip club where suddenly there's topless women. Oh, do they? Yeah. I had no idea. And then very gratuitous violence. All of a sudden, someone's head will be half hanging off and all smashed in. Yeah. Well, that's difficult to watch on the train

because I get very paranoid. I'm worried about the other passengers and I'm worried about someone looking over my shoulder and seeing a scene from a strip club and just thinking that's all I'm watching. The actual amount of... I think it's something you've shot with your video phone the previous night.

Yeah, or some sort of... I can understand you. You have to be very careful. I was angling. So I was angling the laptop, and I was just... Oh, that sounds a bit sleazy, angling. Well, I saw a man on a train angling a laptop. I'd know what was going on. And I was just worried someone was going to tap me on the shoulder

and say, excuse me, I think you're disgusting. Yeah, what, again? But I didn't. No-one's done that for weeks, have they? Well, I always worry they're going to do that when I'm not in first. I've never watched a TV or film on a... I'm not that kind of public transport. If there's one on the plane, but I wouldn't take my own.

I'm not a person who takes my own DVDs. I've done my own. I've done tweezing. Tweezing hairs and things on the plane. Tweezing hairs and things. Tweezing? Yeah. What does that mean? When you get the tweezer, when you pluck hairs out. You've done that on public transport? Yeah, I've done that. No, on my eyebrows, Frank.

I'd say that's inappropriate. Really? Oh, well, sorry. Having said that, I've had the full physicals on an airplane. Oh, my goodness. I remember I walked out of the cubicle and there was an Orthodox Jewish man

standing there, full locks beard. He had a hat on. He had the hat on on the plane. I don't know if he was anticipating an accident. And he looked at me. Obviously, he went to go in the toilet and I said, it's busy. As if I'd gone in and checked thoroughly and thought there was someone in there.

I said, oh, sorry, it's busy and gone out again it's awkward I don't look back on it with any joy how do you think she feels I don't know I stopped reading the letters about two years ago anyway

a lady walked past and put it in perspective she had four children with her I thought you must she changed the zoom I thought that's what you were going to say and it was quite a posh lady and as she was walking along with all her four kids of various sizes she said well I never wanted to have four children

and I thought are you sure this wasn't in the Sopranos she said that as she went past my dad said that it never bothered me. Look how I've turned out fine. Anyway, if you've ever seen inappropriate behaviour on public transport, do let us know, whether it was you,

whether you saw it reflected in a mirror being done by you, or whether it was... I mean, keep it fairly clean. I feel I've already broke an area. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. the cakes have arrived not from the absolute management but from our own producer and associate producer emma and daisy but it's nice to keep it internal yeah that's what i always say that yeah yes follow it down keep it

inside oh internalize no I meant your emotions. Yes. What are you talking about? So that's lovely. And we've got cakes with our pictures on. They've got our pictures and they're from my favourite cake shop, which I don't think I can say on Absolute Radio because it's a rude cake shop.

Is it? Oh, well, don't say it now. No. Anyway, it's... Spell it. It's not rude spelling. No, but let's not even say it. The texts are coming back in now.

I'm still recovering from the Not The Weekend podcast. That went down very well with our listeners. Yeah, but I thought it seemed like it wasn't crude, but it felt like it was. Trying to get away from all that stuff. You know, I had 20 years of that, being known as Mr Dirty Man. I've tried to clean up my whole act.

Frank, Sarah from Cambridge says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Me and my boyfriend Andy are on our way to Birmingham to visit Frank's star on Broad Street. We love you. Oh, I think that is so nice. They can't be going just for that. I think they are.

No, please, no. Are they? No, please, no. Oh, really? Oh, no, they can't. That's incidental in their truth. No, it says we're going to Birmingham to visit the star. Yes. Well, they might get to see to Birmingham to visit the star. Yes.

Well, they might get to see it. It's outside Flair's nightclub, so they could pop in there for a drink. They should see the other sights around there, don't they? Yeah, they shouldn't just do that. They can do, what's it called, Oceana or something, the ocean world place. Doesn't Noddy Holder have a star there as well? He has a star. Ozzy Osbourne.

Cinema nearby. Do the triumvirate. Yeah, exactly. That's what I say. Bloke from the Archers has has a star they can go yeah cinema do the triumvirate yeah that's what i say bloke from the archers has got a star i've got harvey nichols now in in birmingham haven't they they've got a self which is a tiny one they'll look at me like that what they got in bournemouth nothing yeah really nothing just remember that when you're looking at me in that please let me back in what else i? I live there. Hi, Frank. Egged.

Someone got egged at V Festival three years ago. Well, I expect that. Watching Kasabian. I bet it was the Chelmsford. Am I right? It doesn't say. Roth. Very Roth.

Oh, sorry. Do we promote the V Festival? Yeah, we probably do. Do we? That's brilliant. I love it. Yeah. Love it.

It's the best thing ever. I'm always at festivals, me. Frank, Rick probably do. It's brilliant. I love it. Yeah. Love it. It's the best thing ever. I'm always at festivals, me. Frank, Rick Bartlett, I don't know if that name's familiar to you. It does ring a bell. Oh, Frank! It rings one of those little bells. You get a handlebars. Well, that's because Rick Bartlett has sent in a text saying,

I would like to congratulate Frank for learning to ride a bike. Well, that's exaggerated somewhat. He was a great student and he achieved lots in a very short time. A pleasure meeting you, Frank. Rick Bartlett, cycling instructor. He gives his title. Quite formal. Yes.

Yes. How was it, Frank? Can you ride a bike? I can ride a bike. I can't stop. Why? Why you don't need to? Well, I mean, I was on it for, you know, two hours after he'd gone, I was riding it in the dark.

I just couldn't... I can't work out. I really struggled with stopping. What I did was I just leapt off. Oh, did you? Yeah. Didn't you put your feet down or something? Well, to be honest, the bike my manager bought me was a bit big for me. Oh, that's a problem.

It was. It was penny-far oh that's a problem it was it's a penny farthing and breaking on it was there no breaks you didn't cut the break i mean i was wearing a tweed knickerbocker i'd gone i'd gone the whole hog but um no i i struggled to uh to to stop so we you know so we but you started all right i'm really impressed how long did it take you to get going? No, not long at all. Once I'd pushed off, I was going, I mean, I could feel it the next day. I felt like that moment. Well, because you hadn't stopped. Yeah.

Well, exactly. Eventually I collapsed with exhaustion and just fell off. But I was nearly eaten by foxes. Oh, no. But anyway, I felt the next day like if you can imagine how a wishbone must feel just before it separates oh yeah i had that feeling in the very core of my being if you see my meaning you were but congratulations on the bike riding well i mean i don't think i could go on the road i had a bit of a i had a bit of a moment when a woman had to uh had to break suddenly because of my wobbling and she actually skidded a bit that was an incident maybe more of

that after but it was uh that was harrowing but rick was uh he was a fabulous teacher yeah i think we're going to do stop in next week okay we only have this excellent-Files This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Jason Byrne has joined us How are you? I'm very well thank you How lovely to see you

Yeah really Can I just say I was always sitting outside Waiting just quickly Frank Waiting? You're mad You're obsessed with waiting Yeah I love it

Well I just tell you I was looking at the comedy award You get these cards For the comedy awards in Edinburgh And it shows you All the people that won it, okay? And I swear,

you can check this, Emily and Gareth, but in 1992, Steve Coogan and John Thompson, right, it shows their picture winning and they're in colour and there's no,

just as it gets to yours in 91, it's in black and white. Yeah, I think that was when colour photography came in. I can't believe it. In 91.

It just goes, you and Sean Hughes in black and white. It's not that old. Yeah, they're trying to say something there. They're trying to identify us as comedy past.

I don't know. Isn't it bizarre? I don't remember. In 91, I was only left school. It was definitely colour. Yeah. Do you left school in 91 and I won the Perrier Award?

No, I left school in 89. Okay. Did I just, did I miss information there, was I? That's all right. Just threw me a little Unless you're going to

Tell me any more lies Just give me a warning Known liar Jason Burner Is coming up So Jason Burner Used to be a waiter Yeah I did

Oh yeah I did Not in an amateur way But in an academic Trained way Am I right Yeah yeah I did like I went to catering college

Because I wanted to do Hotel management Because I thought You know I'm not too bad with people So I'll try that So I went into waiting college and... It's not called

waiting college, actually. I think it's called case. But it wasn't a college. It was a weird place. It was like a mid-stop for... Anyway, there was lots of ex-cons around me working with me. They were all very strange people. Well, they're good at waiting. No, not really. They got... Oh, yeah, because the guy who

was teaching us, he used to pretend he was a customer. And they used to have to walk over. They got a little bit too angry now and again with him. Oh, man. Yeah, and they just went, Oh, just what do you want? But one of the things we did was, I remember holding a tray,

and we had to put an apple on the tray and go around an obstacle course. Like, hold a tray over your head and see if you could actually balance something on the tray when you walked around. It's like holding the wall. That could be a round on not hole in the wall. To be fair, Frank, that's quite easy, though. One apple.

No, but the apple would roll around the tray. Oh, would it? Okay. If you got good at that, did you do an orange? That'd be the test. Do you know what? Thank God you weren't there. Start with the banana. Get your confidence up. And did you ever use your weighting?

No, I actually then went straight into bar work then. So I did use my tray skills. Because the worst thing... Oh, I remember walking through a room with a tray. A tray was my major. Yeah, it was, actually. But I remember walking through, and I remember they were called little baby bottles bottles and one of them were on the edge

and I was putting drink on the table for these people and the baby bottle just fell over really gently and just went down the back of this woman's top. But it actually looked as if I did it on purpose. And you said take that on with your love. Yeah, that's for you. And I put a gin on her back as well.

And I put a lemon in her mouth no I didn't I'm loving it so you're about to go on tour yeah I have well I'm doing

Leicester Square Comedy Theatre my last one tonight and then I have to go to Australia for ten weeks and do the tour what a shame

I have to I have to go to Australia well the great thing was the great thing about going to Australia is that they they love their comedy so much. Because I'm going to Brisbane,

you know, where the floods were. Oh, yeah. And during the floods, I sold 200 tickets. Really? Yeah. They were like literally

sitting in boats and stuff. And they went, oh, I think we need a bit of a laugh. And they must have been online or something. I don't know. They couldn't even get

out of their houses and they bought it. Oh, fabulous. I know. So we're going to be going there. Then Melbourne. Is it dried out now? I bought it. Fabulous. I know. So we're going to be going there. Then Melbourne. Is it dried out now? I think it is, yeah.

There's nothing really... I mean, Aussies are brilliant at getting on with stuff. Yeah. They don't really moan too much about it. Maybe it is, but we're not really going to hear much more about it now.

You could be on a raft. Yeah, I could be. That'd be fine, wouldn't it be a fabulous experience? Kevin Costner's movie, remember that one that flopped? He was in the water. Oh, Waterworld, was it? Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, what was that? The whole world was covered in water. Was that what it was? Yeah. And we all had to live. Hence the title. Yeah. What? Waterworld? Can you imagine? It was like ages to take the title back. There was a bit at the end that they found that wasn't, no. They did find an island.

No, that was the sequel, I think. Or did he not go around with a bit of muck or a bit of thingy in his... Anyway, while they discuss the plot of Waterworld, I'm going to listen to some music. Great. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning.

Absolute Radio. Jason Burney's with us. And Jason, I read... Now, I think of you as a comic who could basically play to any audience. Yeah. But you played to Man United, the players and the... When I read that, I thought, what was that like? Yeah, well, you see, what happened there, this was...

They said, can you do the Man United Christmas parody? Right. And I went, yeah. Didn't even, you know... You're a Man United fan, party right and I went yeah didn't even you know you're a Man United fan so I didn't even I didn't even think

I just went brilliant I'll get to meet the players I've never met any of them so I arrive into Manchester head towards the

stadium the car takes a slight right and turns towards the car park I'm going oh no I think we should be going in there

and the man goes no he's told to bring you here so then I get in front of a in there and the man goes no I was told to bring you here so then I get in front of a marquee and I go in and I go oh wow

it's this woman who's organising it what players are here and she goes sorry what players which yeah players is like who's in there

like gigs and reunions and you're going no no no this is just for the staff of Man United oh no and I went what

and they went yeah but you know Peter Kenyon's. Oh no. And I went, what? And they went, yeah, but Peter Kenyon's in there. And I went, oh, okay, okay. And I went in and then it was a nightmare. I went in and it was a stage. But the stage was done out like probably about 60 foot long by 40 foot wide with a barrier around it. All people sitting around it having their dinner.

Basically, I found out that in Man United, the staff, you know, there's the cleaners and there's the pitch, people who work on the pitch and the lines, people who mark out the lines. They all only know each other. Like, you know, in groups. Right. So they're all in their little groups.

So they had no connection to each other whatsoever. No community spirit. I was in the middle of the stage, trying to look over barriers at people, right? And they were just, they couldn't hear me no i couldn't even see where peter kenny was going oh my god oh my god alex ferguson wasn't there either he didn't even turn up so that's all in a blessing in disguise oh yeah thank god right but then right i did me gig right barely got through it came off and oh my god that was a nightmare and the reason for the big stage is that they were bringing on an acrobatic fire act which like these 20 people came on sounds like the

yeah and they were spinning around and doing fire stuff and everything and they did this amazing show and when they finished i swear to god literally just went well that's something isn't it thank god for small mercies at least they didn't well. But it was my last gig of the whole year. So I went back to my hotel room and had a party on my own. I got a bottle of red wine and I downloaded the hits of the 80s. Oh, Jesus. And I sat in my underpants and danced with my earphones on. You don't want it to be the last gig of the year.

That's like when England played really badly before a long break. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I was going, Man United, come on! So I didn't... I was looking at your sort of biog. Yeah. I didn't realise you'd done so much acting stuff. You were a lizard in Alice in Wonderland.

Yeah, that was bizarre, yeah. No, I didn't... I'm not aware of an Alice in Wonderland with Whoopi Goldberg in it. Did I miss...? They keep saying, yeah, Whoopi Goldberg. She was in bizarre, yeah. No, I didn't. I'm not aware of an Alice in Wonderland with Whoopi Goldberg in it. Did I miss? They keep saying, yeah, Whoopi Goldberg. She was in it, yeah. Gene Wilder was in it and Robbie Coltrane.

It was made for TV. It's always on every Christmas. Oh, is it? Yeah, you'll always see it. I'm the White Rabbit Gardener. You're a lizard. Yeah, but I'm a lizard in it, yeah. They only did my face up with prosthetics.

But I'd never acted in my life and I'd never been in front of a camera that was the first time ever in this big huge studio where they'd made like they were making this movie

and I'll never forget because the white rabbit was this little man called Kieron and he was great and he'd take off his head and have a fag and he was a stuntman

for children which was just this amazing little fella and then he was a stuntman for children the day was a stuntman for children yeah he's a stuntman for children because he was small oh i say yeah i thought you meant at children's parties he ran through walls that would have been brilliant

but the weird thing was then i was with another guy who was my assistant gardener it's all getting very complicated now but he was about 75, but he was James Joyce's nephew. This day just wouldn't end, right? Yeah, James Joyce. How the mighty of five. I know! And he lived with James Joyce in Paris,

this man. Blimey, and now he was the assistant to a lizard. Yeah. From James Joyce, one of the best Irish writers ever in the history. And then there he was, yeah. Don't say that thinking the absolute listeners don't know who James Joyce is. No, sorry.

We had a Finnegan's Wake phone in last week. We've only asked you in to read some of the answers. I couldn't make head or tail of them. No, you did, right? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Rolling in the deep.

It doesn't go like that. Why does it all storm? Rolling in the deep. Adele, I saw Adele was on the Brits, wasn't she? Yeah. Doing a very sad, and James Corden said that thing about you don't need pyrotechnics and backing dancers and all that. He said that at the Brits,

which is essentially nothing but pyrotechnics. They'd just been a stuntman on fire. Yeah, exactly. But she actually cried during the song, was so sad she cried. And then I saw her and I thought, oh, you know, how moving. It reminded

me of when Cher Lloyd cried on, remember that? And then an hour later they cut to her just in the crowd and she still looked a bit teary, an hour later. Or maybe she was next to me with my grim face. I'm thinking, you know, it wasn't emotion, it was conjunctivitis. Yeah, allergies. Yeah, also I don't want that much emotion, do you know what I mean? Calm down. Anyway.

We've had a couple of texts in. Good. We've had one in about Black Swan, Frank. Oh, yeah. Which says, can't help wondering why your girlfriend disliked Black Swan so much. Surely there are hundreds of worse films, and I thought it was worth it for the effects alone. Could you clarify this, this please from 060? Yes 060

you've never been more wrong in your entire life. I saw it, I tell you what I thought and I'm sure you're a lovely person, I appreciate you texting in I thought it was a posh horror film, it's what people who are posh think a horror film should be He means horror, yeah go on. Yeah exactly

and I thought it was absolutely terrible. I mean, I was appalled by it. I didn't come out of the cinema thinking, oh, I didn't like that much. I was appalled that it existed. He really hated it. I've heard that it's a love it or hate it film. No, I think you'll find it's just a hate it film.

Yeah. I'll tell you what it's got. It's got it's got too much acting in it there's a lot of acting you know when people are doing a lot of acting you can tell natalie portman thinks right i'm really gonna do some acting now and i don't want that just tell the story there is no story there's no character development starts off it's a neurotic girl a stupid hatchet face mother some, some creepy... How dare you? ...creepy, lechery old teacher,

and an odd American girl who seems a bit wild. That's how they start, and that's how they end the film. No-one develops, no-one learns anything, there's no journey. They die, and I wish they'd died two minutes in. If you don't do anything else this year, don't go and see Black Swan. No, they don't.

But no, there's always... Foul they don't die but no there's always there's there's you're right there's always the angry sort of uh dance instructor you will never be the black swan you don't have it in you i remember dr samuel johnson said of the poet thomas gray he was very dull but he was dull in a new kind of way and so people thought he was interesting. Oh. That's what it's like. That's what you think. It's like she wears a white, fluffy scarf when she walks around town.

Oh, to remind us of the swan imagery. How very clever. And this thing that she trained for 18 months to dance. Well, she just did an E, basically. Yeah, but so what? What's that got to do with it? She did win the BAFTA, though, because I went to the BAFTAs. Yes, she just did an E, basically. Yeah, but so what? What's that got to do with E? She did win the BAFTA, though, because I went to the BAFTAs.

Yes, I did. I know she won. There was much booing and all the language from my girlfriend when she won. Really? After the Portman.

Because we both hated the film with a vengeance. Oh, dear. I'll tell you what was a very actor-y thing. You know we talk about flash flames when you stop

fancying someone. Yes. Well my Andrew Garfield crush ended when he said, um, David Fincher would like to be here to collect this award but he's in another country preparing his next gift for us. Oh, that sounds a bit awful. Don't like the sound of that. No, maybe he was just

wrapping socks though. I think he buys the people he works with quite a lot of nice little... By the way, we had some cakes. Did we mention we had cakes coming? I can't remember, but we have, and they've got cakes with us. Yeah, cupcakes with us, and I like eating stuff with me on. Crisps, cakes. Yeah.

Sometimes I'll just draw me on a banana. Just for the sake of that. I kind of enjoyed the BAFTAs more than the... I enjoyed them. Well, you were on it. There was a shot of you in the crowd. I know. That was brilliant.

You had glasses on. I couldn't see. That's the last thing. Your big moment, you had glasses on. I couldn't see. I was sitting there and I couldn't see. Oh, no. I think they looked quite elegant with my look.

Played down my sexuality, I felt. But, Em, were you chewing gum? Everyone keeps telling me I was chewing gum. I was like Alex Ferguson in a wig. I didn't mean to be chewing gum. were you chewing gum everyone keeps telling me i was chewing gum well that's alex ferguson in a wig i didn't mean to be chewing were you chewing no but my gentleman friend next to me said do you want some gum weren't you sitting next to jane golden she was on my right she looked like she'd hired um as a sort of victorian traveling companion you sitting there with your spectacles on your hair pulled back that's very kind of you just carrying a portmanteau thank you very much frank um but no my gentleman friend said to me oh you're chewing and he said do you want some gum whenever anyone says that i always think they

mean you stink like your breast smells so i had to take it i couldn't not take it i'm really pleased because seeing just in your open because you're laughing your open dark mouth and just one bit of white it looked like a stray tooth it looked like you were sort of your open, dark mouth and just one bit of white. It looked like a stray tooth. It looked like you were sort of... Oh, I didn't notice that. A weird prospect. I was still reeling from a swan clip, I think. Well, that's about it for our 100th show. I, for one, am glad it's over.

You can listen to the Not The Weekend podcast available from Wednesday, which will be brilliant. Looking forward to it. Martin Lee's on next. I don't even know Martin Lee. I don't either. Exciting. No. Yeah. Brilliant. So, what's happened to Ben Jones? That's what we were asking.

I don't know. He's not here today. That wasn't him on fire, was it? I thought it was a silhouette of a baseball camp. He did say he was invited. Maybe that was how. Yeah, so if you're not doing anything around tea time, I'm one of the judges on Let's Dance for Comet Relief.

Oh, how exciting. Yeah, I think it's me, Graham Norton, and Mubarak, who now is doing a lot of former president Mubarak he's doing quite a lot of show busy stuff so you know bless him for that thank you very much for listening

might I say I just love you all you're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints Absolute Radio