The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Mark Steel

Episode Date: February 12, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth go on a royal tangent, discussing Kate & Camilla's lunch and national anthems.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Well, what about that for a start? That's Your No Vincent Gallo by Found,

and I absolutely recommend their new album Factory Craft. It's all started a bit Joe Wiley with the album. Where is my snowboard? I saw her the other night, actually. Did you? Yeah, she was at the Folk Awards because she's switched to Radio 2 now. Yes. Or as Radio 1 DJs call it, intensive care.

Not because she's got older. No. Not why. No. That was Frank's way of dropping in that he was at the Folk Awards. But in fact, I did know that already, Frank, because we had a tweet about it. People have been spying on you. I know you don't like that very much.

Well. It says, I'm off to bed. And this is from Tim Tim. Frank was brilliant in his piece introducing the best live act at the BBC Radio 2 Folk Awards. Well, I'm liking brilliant. Yeah. Brilliant is a good review. Generally speaking.

I shall find a way to make that a negative review when I dwell on it. When I think about it, well, thanks for the radio! Sorry. I've just been drinking out of Matt Berry's cup, who does the voiceovers for Absolute. And ever since it happened, I've started doing this. No one could. By the way, you can text us on 8-12-15 if you've got anything to say. Not say, but...

And our guest is Mark Steele today. So we're all lined up for the show, I think. Yes, I was at the Folk Awards. It was a fabulous night. Was it? It is. It's up to the people who... I like folk.

Obviously, I never get to play folk music on here because they're quite liberal with me, the powers that be, absolute. But if I started playing... HE SINGS They'd go crazy oh it's alright for Jeff Lloyd to hang stupid plastic flowers from the speakers in the studio

as part of his let's get into the mood do you know Jeff Lloyd does that he dresses the whole studio there's Ivy falling off the ceiling yeah and not Tilsley was it Ivy Tilsley I wouldn't mind if she was suspended there in some way.

I mean, the actual actress, Ling Perry, I'm not sure if she's still with us. But some sort of lightness of Ivy Tilsley would be fine. Anyway, it was very fine. I met, well, do you know who I met? I went up, I had to do a speech, so I thought I'd do some jokes. We'll see how it goes.

Yeah. And I'd already done, and impromptu, a comical remark to the lady I was with. I went with an old friend of mine, and I said to her, do you fancy a smoothie? And she said, oh, yeah. I said, well, there's Charles Dance over there. And I was quite pleased with myself,

so of course when I went up, I repeated it. And afterwards, we're sitting at the table, who should come over? But Charles Dance, a bit exciting. And he said... Handsome devil. Yeah. And he said, hello, he said sitting at the table. Who should come over? But Charles Dance. Oh. A bit exciting. And he said... Handsome devil. Yeah. And he said, hello.

He said, I'm Charlie. And I thought, oh, so marvellous. So we've been in email exchange. Is he your new friend? Yeah. And he signs to... I sent him one that said, dear Charlie. I thought, I'll go for it.

And he's fine with it. Was he okay with it? Charlie Dance. He's probably said to his... I mean, really? How for it. And he's fine with it. Was he okay with it? Charlie Dance. He's probably said to his... I mean, really? How dare he? The impertinence of the man. Charlie Dance. I bet Kerry Cotone has done a few of those over the years.

So, um, and Donovan was there. He won that Lifetime. Man, he looks... He looks so weird. He looked like... You know on Star Trek when you get, like, the ambassador for the planet Varos appears on the scanner? He looked like that. He had, like, a sort of a plastic tank top on.

A really long... And he's got this weird voice. What's his hair like? His hair is very long and very... It looks like a King Charles Spaniel type of hair. You know, that kind of hair. And he's got a voice. He's from Glasgow, but I've never quite looked at him. And I really like Donovan.

I love his music, but he is a strange bloke. Mark Radcliffe introduced him, and he talked about when he met in the 70s or something, he met Donovan's manager. And he said to him, in the course of the conversation, he said, what time does Donovan go to bed? He said that Donovan doesn't go to bed. He crashes.

And he told this at a few others. Is he a computer? He could be. Well, he's the ambassador from the planet Varos. So maybe he's a droid. Anyway, so, and he told some other stories about, you know, things like him getting mixed up with Jason Donovan at some event and all that kind of stuff

and Donovan came up and Donovan came up and said thank you for those memories that was his kind of really and then he says my father used to play me Celtic music when I was a young man and I thought I would like to really?

are you doing the goons? or is that the real thing? But it was a lovely night. I had a great... As I pointed out, it's one of the few places, the Folk Awards, where people will point admiringly at Crocs. Oh.

You know, fashion has completely... It's a different world. You know Crocs? No. You don't know Crocs? Oh, my God. No, what are they? This is a new type of not being fashionable.

It's not... There are people who like Crocs, and then there are people who've never... You've never heard of... They're like plastic shoes with holes in. They're really brightly coloured ones, Gareth, yeah? Yeah, I know what you mean. I didn't know what they were called.

Are you wearing the same cardigan you had on yesterday, by the way? Yes. Oh, OK. That's acceptable. I should change the things underneath. Different T-shirt. That's acceptable. It's nice you changed the things underneath. It's a different T-shirt. I find if you change a T-shirt, you can keep the same shirt for a week because the sweat never reaches that particular fabric. It's taken out. It's a sort of a sweat contraception type of approach. Oh, my God. I met Joanna

Trollope, the novelist. Oh, how was that? Well, that was strange because I did the speech. Though I say it myself, it went quite well. and she came up to me and said, that was very funny indeed. She said, you can't be funny in writing because you can't do the pauses. You can sort of have a paragraph change, can't you? Well, you know, PG would do this. There are no funny books. There's no funny writing at all, apparently, according to JT. No, of course not.

Charmless man, blur. Is it acceptable to go... In the 21st century, yeah. I'm a big Blur fan, but that's one of my least favourites. Well, there you go. You say that about every Blur track we've ever... Yeah. I don't know, what do you like?

What's your favourite Blur track? No Distance Left to Run. OK, there's a little tip there. A little Blur factoid there. If you want to get into Blur. It's factor in there. If you want to get into blur. It's a sad one. It's a sad one. If you want to get into blur.

Yes. We've had an email from Nick in Detroit. An email? Yeah. Good morning, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Emily, you look outstanding this morning. I love your hair. Oh.

This is the, what's it called? The radio cam. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, the webcam thing. Webcam, yeah. Someone likes, I always get that. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, the webcam thing. Webcam, yeah. Someone likes, I always get that. And Frank with a sports coat, quite dapper. Yeah.

Well, this is my American academic look. I love that Ivy League prof. I'm going to West Brom, West Ham this afternoon. I've got to go on the pitch at half-time, don't I remember? Why are you doing that? Is that because of roast chicken dinner? It's going to be, yeah, a tense relegation battle.

Everyone's going to be on the edge of their seat. I'm going to go on at half-time and talk about crisps. Are you going to be dressed as a chicken? Because you always are these days. I will not be dressed as a chicken. I will on the inside, I will. But no, generally speaking. He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr Ed. I had a feeling then I wanted a chicken-based jingle. That's actually about a horse. But I thought, you know, with the animal kingdom, I think you just stick a pin in and see where you land. That's donkey you're thinking of. Yeah. Mr. Ed, actually, do you know how they made Mr. Ed speak?

No. Mr. Ed, in case you don't know, was a talking horse. That was his whole, that was his thing. Partly they used to use a little bit of animation on the mouth, but that's a bit expensive. They used to put peanut butter on the roof of its mouth and it'd keep licking trying to get it off, going crazy. And they'd film that and then someone would just speak over it.

Oh, did they? Oh, that seems rather cruel. So, yeah, it's a little bit cruel. I don't know if you get away with it nowadays. But anyone, that's this week's phone-in. How do you make your horse look as if it's talking? I'm not expecting a big response, but we'll see how it goes. You never know. You can text us on 8-12-15 about anything at all.

I mean, not something like, you know, the Egypt situation. We don't talk about that kind of stuff. No. Someone told me Mubarak Obama had resigned. I must pay more attention to the world news. I liked him. He's not looking well, though. I know he dyed his hair.

Yeah, so I'll tell you something else. We're back at the poker wars. The Levellers were on. Do you know the Levellers? Oh, yeah. else with the back of the poke awards well and the levelers were on do you know the level oh yeah and there was a man on in in the uh in the in the levelers who played the didgeridoo right now i've never seen the plate didgeridoo played like he played it pointing it up in the air like a man playing a trumpet oh shotgun yeah so he fired it, you know, right up, and he's, you know, and all that stuff.

And I thought, well, that's interesting, because me and Kath, my girlfriend, had been walking through the centre of London the previous weekend, and we'd seen a didgeridoo man, and at the end of his didgeridoo was a pool of saliva. Oh, God.

On the pavement. He'd obviously been blowing it a long time, and it had steadily, and I thought, the Levellers, man, that it a long time and it did steadily. And I thought the leveller's man, that's all running back into him. You know, he's self-basting. So you'd had insight into the innards of the didgeridoo. Yeah, he's a self-basting leveller.

There aren't many of those about. But I thought, what if I'd slipped on that pool of saliva? It might be one of the great injury lawyers for you, found course, of all time. Yeah, it's a bit of didgeridoo spit. Well, we are real lawyers. And you are a face for radio. Oh, is that you, Matt?

No, sorry. Oh, what else? Well, there's been this... Have you been reading about... Camilla had this... Of course not. Oh, why not? She's one of my favourite royals. Oh, OK.

She had lunch with Kate Middleton. That's a good question. Who's my favourite royal? Who is your favourite royal? I used to like that the mad cousin of the Queen Mother had to be kept locked up so she didn't disgrace the royal family. There was one who was, I think, in the cellar of Buckingham Palace. Yes.

I don't know. I suppose it would be Princess Michael of Kent. Oh, you're a fan of her work, are you? Yeah, I am. She's the Catholic. She's the rogue Catholic in the team. Anyway, what's Camilla? Yeah, so they had a sort of pre-bridal lunch.

Who? Camilla and Kate Middleton. Do they wear bridles? I'm not surprised. What did they have? Do they have nose bags on? Did they have peanut butter sandwiches? You know we're not really talking.

Vote for Mr Camilla. Yes. I hope we're not doing jokes about the royal family being like horses. Have we come to this? I mean, let's talk about Prince Charles' big ears, why don't we? The fact that he talks to plants. Let's take that low into the colony mire. He has got quite big ears.

He has. Have you never noticed that before? Do you want to hear about the lunch? What Prince Charles can hear about it from here. Now I've done it, you see. We only have this excellent This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Is that the ice cream van? I'll have Get us a 99 Actually we'll have a 99 You know why I'll have a 99? Why? Because this is our 99th radio show Is that true really?

So next week is the big 100 Not counting the podcast But just the actual live radio show It's number 99, what about that? Wow Okay that's my Jimmy Savile impressed Still working on it Frank you know you rather randomly talked about Mr Ed

I do it at the memorial service Sorry? You know you rather randomly talked about Mr Ed. Get ready for the memorial service. I thought I'd do it at the memorial service. Sorry? Frank, you know you rather randomly talked about Mr Ed this morning. The talking horse? Yes. Well, it's just provoked a flurry of texts with our listeners. They love this subject. When I said this week's phone-in is how do you make your horse look like it's talking,

I wasn't being actually serious. But such is the nature of our listeners. They've picked it up and they've run with it. We've had Alistair from Walton on the Hill. Hi Frank, I use deep heat to make horses talk, wave their lips like mad. I'm a farrier, so constantly using it. Farrier? Yeah, farrier. Oh, not a farrier.

He uses it as he's peeling them at the other end. Oh God. Isn't that a bit that's a bit cruel, deep heat, isn't it? Do you know deep heat, Gareth? He doesn't even know Crocs, he's not going? Do you know Deep Heat? Yeah, I do. He doesn't even know Crocs. He's not going to know what Deep Heat is.

Well, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. I think one could know what Deep Heat is. He's looking like he does. Anyway, carry on. Mrs Tina Taylor says, Give a staffie a toffee. It's very funny and they do enjoy eating them. Mrs Tina Taylor said,

Give a staffie a toffee? What's going on? Now, that's cruel as well, Shula. Is it? I think this week, at our phone-in, is cruelty to animals, the bright side. Oh, that's... Well, if you think that's cruel, Frank,

what about Stephen Southend? On a similar note, my friend used to put hula hoops in the folds around her pug's nose so he could smell it but not see it and would go nuts. Oh, that's all right. Oh, is that OK? Yeah, I don't mind that. I think those folds around her pug's nose so he could smell it but not see it and would go nuts. Well, that's alright. Oh, is that okay? Yeah, I don't mind that. Those folds around a pug's nose, they look like they're there to mount something in them. Must have been big old

folds, though. I wonder if it's the actual nostrils. You could put one in each nostril. I mean, you could save a pug's life like that. It could breathe underwater. If it had to hide in a lake, it could just extend the hula hoops just slightly above the surface, and it could lie there.

They'd go soggy, though. They would go soggy in water. They would, but, you know, I mean, just while the hunt goes past, we're talking about seconds. I'm not suggesting it dwells there regularly. That's suspense. Yeah, I'm not talking like some sort of amphibian, Pog.

And we've had a text from, a proper horsey text from... A proper horsey text? I don't know 979 when I get to the stables of a morning I get a huge hello as my horse nays that was a bit I shuddered to think what was coming there

I've had a huge hello from a horse and I might tell you I was in hospital for two weeks I get a huge hello as my horse nays at me as I get his brekkie out horse neighs at me as I get his brekkie out of the feed room. But as I approach, he twitches his lips impatiently as if he's talking

to me. It never fails to make me laugh. I always respond and talk back. Who's that from? 979. 979. Do they let them have horses in prison? Oh, that's a lovely story of its twitching thing. The trouble is, what they don't say is they only feed it once a fortnight.

Yeah. Hence its excitement when the food comes. Why so twitchy? No, there must be many. But down to the cruel things. I'm worried about the deep heat from the farrier. Why? It doesn't mean deep heat actually from the furnace.

No. It doesn't hold deep heat actually from the furnace. No. It doesn't hold its head over the... Oh, no. Because what it's trying to do then, it's just trying to save its face by holding up the most moist section on its head, making that as wide as it possibly can. That's my theory on the farrier's horse-talking experiences.

What else? Talking of horses, what else? Oh, Camilla you were talking about. I told you, don't do the Royal Family horse jokes. OK. We're better than that. No, we're not. So they had this lunch, her and Kate Middleton,

and it was this pre-wedding kind of bonding lunch, apparently. Well, I love the sound of it, Frank. It was a very posh restaurant. OK. Camilla had a glass of red wine. It was in the day no judgment here in the day red wine in the day yeah that's all right i know as i said no judgment that's that's what she wants to do yeah and but apparently fellow diners you can tell i got this from a tabloid this story fellow diners overheard snippets of their conversation. I bet they did. Yeah.

So trumpets were mentioned at one point. Trumpets? Yes. Trumpets were mentioned at one point. We can't have trumpets, the ceiling is too high. That's what someone was heard saying. Okay. Play them, don't throw them in the air. Well, this is a good job the didgeridoo player from the Levellers isn't going to be at the Royal Wedding.

No, it'll be fine because it's high. Now, see, he's probably sitting at home not knowing. He's probably thinking, well, shall I, shan't I be invited? And now we've broken his heart in a very unsubtle way because he'll know that he's going to bring a whole load of masonry down with that crazy didgeridoo style of things. At least there'll be no spit under the princess's feet. That'll be a first.

And then one of the best things was Camilla was heard to say, can I give you a piece of advice? But rather tantalisingly, we never heard the end of that sentence, Frank. Oh. So we don't know what the advice was. That's fine. Well, there was a moment between Emily and I when I was... How dare you?

Why bring that up now? It was that day she had the black bra and white top. I remember it. I was um how dare you why bring that up now it was that day she had the black bra white top I remember it I was a poor I didn't know where to look no I was fiddling with um I think you got a big hello that boy when he came to the stable I was fiddling with a blind and sort of rattling around and um I did it for a while. No, you were playing drums with a biro and we were about to go on air. Yeah, sorry about that. I did it for a while and Emily said

let me give you a piece of advice. And she didn't need to say anything else. I stopped doing what I was doing and it was probably that. Kate was probably playing with a cutlery or something. What do you think she said, though? Well, I think, why don't the listeners text it?

What do you think was the... I mean... H115. Maybe she said, let me give you a piece of advice. Oh, sorry, did I say advice? I meant bread. Maybe it's as simple as that. Could be. Frank on radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio Absolute radio

That's The Colour of the Bear by Mojo Fury Oh, it's complicated Well, I like it. Colour of the Bear, what a great title You know songs that are like love that crazy laugh and then someone who brings one out called collar of the

bear that to me is thinking outside the box you know what i'm talking about um frank you've had some texts in uh what are you talking about see if you'd had that accent that would have been a rubbish what are you talking about willis sorry willis i didn't understand what you just said willis um run that by me again that would be a great catchphrase sorry i interrupted you all right my darling um less of it matt from gilford you know we were talking about camilla and what the advice she might have given kate yes i think the advice from camilla was telling them how to make their horse talk oh yeah he's joining in, though. He's joining in.

That means he's been listening for at least ten minutes. I appreciate that. I think the average is seven before people go to Radio 2. What's on Radio 2? Oh, I don't know. Joe Wiley. Chris Evans is on that, isn't he? Not on a Saturday.

Oh, isn't he? I don't think so. Oh, he gets the day off. He takes the polka dot shirt to the dry cleaner. I think he's at the trout farm. We had a text in from Rob. Maybe they were eating jerk chicken, and she said,

let me give you peas and rice. Peas and rice. That's brilliant, Rob. Rob, I might marry you on the strength of that text. Can you do that over the air? They did it on BRMB once, I remember. They had a marriage. They had people to write in, and they married them.

And I think they got divorced then, not long after. And I think Jeremy Kyle married the lady. The bride. He married the bride. Well, he married the bride, but you know what I mean. Well, everybody marries a bride in't what I would have said for women some women do now it's true

complicated we've had a Clark's text thanks Frank everybody help me out get me Clark's everybody help me out saw me get me Clark's

everybody everybody help me out saw me get me Clark's everybody how do we know the lyrics to this song Frank I'm sorry let me give you some peace and rest.

Do you need to explain what you just did? That was a song. It was a song. It was a reggae. Is it reggae? Yeah, it's reggae, isn't it? What's it called? I can't remember.

I think it's called, Let me get me clacks. Thanks, Frank. I managed to get into clacks this week. Oh, congratulations. I don't find it that tricky to get into Clark's. Your policy's not that bad in there. So she wouldn't get into a pair of Clark's that were four sizes too small for her.

Is it a lady or a man? Since we mentioned it, it's become very exclusive at Clark's. When I said, is it a lady or a man, you just shook your head. The man in the paper today. Mike Shopping in Leeds. Mike. Good surname, Mike Shopping. Mike Shopping, I know him, I think. Mike Shopping in Leeds. Mike. Good surname, Mike Shopping. Mike Shopping.

I know him, I think. Mike Shopping in Leeds. I managed to get into Clark's this week to buy, get some brown brogues. Sadly, they didn't have any I liked. I went next door to M&S Discount Store. Other discount stores are available. And there were a top range pair of size 12s on the clearance shelf, which is £9.99, down from over 60 quid.

Thanks, Frank. I love it. PS thought you were much better than Jeremy Vine on the Folk Awards. Well, what about Panorama? So, what I liked about that, it was that moment where people do a mistake on the autocue.

When you read it out, you said, but they didn't have any. I liked. It was like a local news autocue reading moment. Oh, it's the little things in life, isn't it? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Strokes last night. That wasn't a confession confession it was the name of that i got very nervous then yeah sorry kathy's away why bring it up i said yeah um we've had a um

suggestion of what camilla was saying to kate um from martin in newmarket. He says, maybe Camilla gave Kate an alpine flower. Let me give you a piece of Edelweiss. Ah! Very good. Edelweiss. Yeah, it could be. Yeah. In case you're wondering what that's about,

people heard Camilla say to Kate Middleton over lunch, let me give you a piece of advice. Lots of red wine. They didn't catch the rest of it. Something like, if William ever says oh let's go and have a look at the funny students

protesting say no. Yes. If you ever offered I'll say don't take the Bentley. Yeah. Maybe.

If you ever offered a Dorian Gray style picture remember picture gets ugly you stay pretty. Oh now we're on the anti-Camilla

I can't believe it we've done the big ears we've done the horses. She might have I can't believe it. We've done the big ears. Maybe she did say... We've done the horses. She might have said, don't change your hairstyle in 47 years. Frank, we've had... She might have said,

you should get the image rights on those tea towels. Get a piece of the action. Next. Well, we had a text in from Bruce in Sheffield who says... Nice to hear from him. To hear from him, nice. He says, Hi, Frank.

Happy 99th show. My friend Dev, who's a big fan of yours, wants to know how you'll celebrate your 100th show next week. Doesn't that sound like we've made that up? We've got the producer to write it to promote our show. Why can't Dev ask himself? What bit of pie are you making that up? I just said it's our 99th show.

I know, but why can't Dev ask himself? Why is he hiding behind Bruce in Sheffield? Dev D.E.V. What about if you find out now that Dev is a mute? I'll feel momentarily guilty and then I'll move on. I don't know why that would stop him texting.

Maybe he's illiterate, Dev. He can't write a text for himself. I hope you feel good about yourself now you've had a go at poor old Dev. I mean, he's making the most of it in a very difficult world. How do you know? We had an email about cycling. It says, hi, Frank, I was just listening to your podcast

and heard that you cannot ride a bike. We run a cycling centre in north-east London and have taught hundreds of adults and children to ride, we would be more than happy to teach you should you want to listen with us and then you can ride your birthday bike that's nice, with explanation what is more? can I ask, what is more than happy?

um I don't know is it a level of perpetual contentment that seems to rise above the superficiality of a short burst of happiness? Is that what it's saying? Is it saying that you've got a long-term buzz out of this? It's a lovely offer, anyway.

As it turns out, I'm going away. I'm going to the match. And then after that, I'm spending five days where, over that period, I'm having three two-hour lessons. Are you, Frank? I've bought a helmet. I've done the you going I've bought I've bought a helmet I've done the whole thing oh you've bought a helmet I bought

I was gonna that's good you should wear a helmet it saved my life when I got hit by a car is that right you always go on about that story

were you on a bicycle or were you just walking yeah on a bike okay yeah I must admit we do seriously recommend helmets

it saved my life when I was a human cannonball in the circus. And netting as well. Have netting at the end of your trajectory. That's my advice. So you've got the bike ride. Evel Knievel used to have, like a haystack thing he used to have.

Did he? Giant haystacks? Yeah, they couldn't find him after that. It's like looking for a Knievel in a haystack. Very good. Now, I was 45 It's like looking for a Knievel in a house. Very good. Now, I was 45 quid I paid for a bicycle helmet. 45. I thought, I tied with the idea of thinking, why don't I just really, really gel?

Yeah. I mean, over-gel my hair. Yeah. That would do it, wouldn't it? Absolutely. And then I tried out, you know those ones that look, they look a bit like a loaf, like a sort of a fridge. I know exactly the ones you mean.

The ones that most people wear. They all hurt me a bit. So I ended up wearing one. He said, oh, these are very cool. These are what the BMXers wear. And I thought, well, I don't want to wear anything cool. Oh, Gareth. I'm a man.

Oh, no. I'm a man who's recently been thinking, can I still get away with jeans at my age? And now suddenly I'm wearing a BMXer helmet. I'll tell you what I remember thinking, can I still get away with jeans at my age? And now suddenly I'm wearing a BMXer helmet. I'll tell you what I remember thinking, can I get away with jeans? I saw the Bewitched at Medicom back, and even they weren't wearing denim anymore. They moved on from denim. And they lived on denim.

Sorry, Frank. Sue and Croydon, let me offer you a pizza slice. Anyway, as you were. They were eating pizza, I think, weren't they? They were eating mini pizzas, Camilla and Tig. That's perfect. So incredible. Yeah, perfect.

Mini pizza, so it wasn't a big ask. So the cycling lessons, how many are you having, though, Frank? I'm having three two-hours. Can I be honest with you? I have got a confession to make here. I couldn't ride a bike either. And I lied for quite a while because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed.

I learned when I was about 30. So not that long ago. Stop lying. Who's a penny-farthing? Well, that's... I see if I'd lied about it. What about if someone had said, that's... I see if I'd lied about it. What about if someone had said, you know... I mean, it happened to me once.

I was filming in Northern Ireland and they said, we thought it'd be good if we are filming if you arrive in on a pushbike. And I said, well, I'm sorry, I can't ride a bike. And they said, ha-ha! And, you know, I couldn't. No, I used to have to just pretend I hurt my ankle or I had a tummy ache or something all the time.

Or I'd cry and pretend I was upset about something. That's terrible. I must admit, when I was at school, about 14, I used to pretend I had an 11-year-old sister called Trish. I don't know why I did that. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints.

Absolute Radio. Disco 2000 by Pulp. I feel wrong playing that. Let's all meet up in the year 2000. You know when people wear Christmas socks, not at Christmas. You think it's gone now. So anyway, that was that. Frank, we've had some texts in.

We've had one in about some more Camilla potential advice. This is in case you just joined us. People overheard Camilla and Kate Middleton at lunch and Camilla said, let me give you a piece of advice and then they couldn't hear what happened after and we were speculating. Our listeners are speculating. And we've had Geoff on the M6

who says... I hope Geoff pulled over in order to send this text. So do I. He's called Geoff, he will have pulled over. He would have done it in a very safe way. Geoff says... He might be the other bloke in the white van he might not be the driver

he says I reckon Camilla handed Kate a small metal bar and said let me give you a piece of advice I like that loving the buns we've had an interesting text message

it says hi slightly sinister slightly opening an interesting text message. It says, hi. Slightly sinister. I'm on the edge of my seat. Slightly opening of Vincent Price's House of Horror. It says, hi, my name is Rick Bartlett. I'm the cycle instructor who's

meeting Frank tomorrow. Oh, he's listening. That's all. That's it? That's it. Okay. What am I... I thought it was going to say, I'm being held hostage. Can you send £10,000 to the Motorists Liberation Fund?

Well, it's good to hear from you. I look forward to meeting you tomorrow at the Bulrush Gates. It'll be there at three. I'm looking forward to it. Well, everyone's going to turn up now. Well, how many people know where the Bulrush Gates are oh yeah that's true four i think is the answer yeah we're talking you're talking about sort of lying or exaggerating in terms of cycling and how i wasn't yeah you were because you definitely wasn't you then said you admitted that you'd pretended you

had a was it a sister 11 year old sister called Trish? An 11-year-old sister called Trish, yeah, when I was about 14. I don't know why I did that. I just felt like, because I was the baby in the family and my elders had all married off, I felt like some weirdo only child and I didn't want to be like that. The terrible thing was, it was like, I'd been at school for a few years and never mentioned this

and I just suddenly brought her up. And the terrible thing was, Trish, the reason I said, oh, you're my sister, Trish, the reason I said that is because one of my mates, his sister was called Trish. So I just took that name. I just couldn't even come up with it. You couldn't even make up a name for her.

You know in films when they sign into a hotel and they say a name and they go Mr. Hotel. You'd think I'd be able to think of one immediately. When it turns out to it, when it comes to lying, it's not as easy as it might seem. How long did you keep the lie out for? Oh, I don't know. The fact is

people, you know, maybe I wasn't 40, maybe I was about 12. But anyway, people came round my house, you know, I I wasn't 40, maybe I was about 12, but anyway people came round my house, you know I have to say she was out then there was the whole long coma story and in the end of course we had to bid her a fond farewell

I once lied at school in quite an odd way, it was my birthday and I'd got a harmonica for my birthday, I was quite young in primary school and the teacher in the lesson asked me if I could play anything. I brought it in. She said, can you play anything? And I said, no, no.

And then in assembly... That was a line. In fact, you were like a sort of Larry Adler. No, that was the truth. Oh, that was the truth. And then in assembly, if it was your birthday, you got to blow out a candle the colour of your class. What do you mean?

The colour of your class? Yeah. That's disgusting. I was in the green. That is disgusting. Hold on. I'm glad they got rid of apartheid. It was a sickening system that dehumanised people.

No, I was in the green class. Oh, I see. I had the different classes' head colours. Oh, I see, right. So the green candle came out. Yeah. One candle? Oh, you're spoiling us.

And the headmaster said oh what did you get for your birthday i said look this harmonica and he said oh can you play anything and i looked out over the crowd and i said yes i can and i said i can play happy birthday isn't this how you got that show in edinburgh yeah um and um you said you could play Happy Birthday. Yeah, and so, go on then. So, I mean, I don't know what I did.

I don't have any memory of that. I can just remember when I got back to the classroom. What do you mean you can't remember what you did? That's the whole crux of the anecdote. I can just remember when I got back to the classroom. Did you play anything? Yeah, I played something. I had a go at Happy Birthday.

Oh, I feel sick. I can imagine how awful it was. And I can just remember getting back to the classroom and the teacher giving me a strange look and saying, I thought you said you couldn't play anything. But to be honest, I was at the Chris Eubank Nigel Benn at Old Trafford, and I remember Nigel Kennedy did the National Anthem.

I think that was a similar experience. Can you play that violin? Yeah, I can, Maastricht. I think that was a similar experience. Can you play that violin? Yeah, I can, Maulström. I'll play the national anthem. I once told a very pointless life hack. There was our neighbour and she said, we were in Australia, and she went, do you grow plants or flowers?

And I said, and I wanted her to like me, and I didn't, as if I'd grow plants or flowers. And I went, yes. She went, what do you grow, dear? And I went, potatoes. Why did I say potatoes? And she went, don't lie. That's a lie.

I said, it's not. I do grow potatoes. Oh, no, she pulled you up on it. That's the worst thing. See, what you could have done, you could have just blowed out the green candle through the harmonica. If you would have settled with that,

that would have done. I once, because I went to bed slightly later than my nephew, I used to tell him that there was an old Batman serial on telly late at night. And when we met, I used to tell him it was on on a Saturday. And when I saw him at school, not my nephew, my cousin. When I saw him on Mondays at school, I used to tell him what had happened. The whole story.

I had cliffhangers. And, you know, the whole thing made up. Ridiculous. Mark Steele is in after this lot. We only have this except. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Rating up.

That's M5 by the Four. Mark Steele has joined us in the studio. Good morning, Mark. Hello, Frank. It's always great to see you. I always think proper comic when you come in. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

That's a great compliment. Yeah, I think that's... Proper comic. Twisted, sick, egomaniac. I don't think that. I don't think that about comics. I read a quote from you, actually, where you said...

I wasn't going to bring this up earlier. You have to understand that being a stand-up is basically a mental illness. I'd agree with that. Yeah. Who would have an ego so distorted that he would be impelled to do such a stupid thing? Yeah. Do you really believe that?

Oh, yeah. Comics are quite peculiar people, aren't they? I think some of the nicest people I've ever met have been comics. Yeah, they're the funnest people, I think. But comics usually are thinking, oh, what's the joke here? I always think if a comic was in a plane are thinking, oh, what's the joke here? Even in the most, you know, I always think if a comic was in a plane crash as it was hurtling

towards the ground, you were thinking, oh, I wonder what exactly the right joke would be to tell at the moment. You know, it's funny you should say that. I was on a plane once.

This was just after Three Lions, so I was sort of in my pomp and I was on with, with Tom Stoppard was sitting two seats ahead of me, the playwright. I was sort of in my pomp, and I was on with Tom Stoppard, who was sitting two seats ahead of me, the playwright. I was too frightened to say hello. But there was a moment when, I don't know if we hit something or whatever, there was a horrible bang on the play, and everyone was, you know,

and I said to him after, I said, I bet you were worried about the billing if we went down. And I was thinking, even if we'd have gone down, I'd have had to have got to Tom Stoppard, even if he was praying in the aisle and got that gagging before we hit the ocean. Anyway, speaking of... What did he say? Did he go, no, I was thinking, oh, my God, my family. I think he went, hmm. I left a long pause.

Yeah, I don't know. The suggestion that I might have been a bigger headline than him probably appalled him. Well, you'd have been, it depends what papers. I mean, the mirror would have been you. And I dare say the telegraph would have been more Tom Stoppard. Well, maybe. I don't know if I'm prepared to accept that wholeheartedly. It's a theory. Let's put it that way.

So you're on the road, Mark. Yes, it seems so, yeah. Well, I've done a mad thing, really, which is that... If this is going to be criminal, can you not tell us on the air? Yeah. Well, I think it's legal in some countries. Well, I did a radio series called Mark Stills in Town. Which you spoke about last time you were on the show, actually.

Oh, right, did I? Right. And so this is a sort of live-ish sort of version of that. So that means that for each town that I go to, I have to try and sort of write about 20 minutes of stuff within the show about that town. You've set yourself a bit of a task. Yeah, it's nuts, isn't it? I think most comics, when they go on stage,

say if you're playing Aldershot, you'll go on stage and do four or five jokes about the army or whatever. Yeah, about the army and stuff, yeah, yeah. But 20 minutes. Yeah, well, I have to sort of... Some places are easier than others. I was in Colchester last night, and that's got... I've read a couple of books about it and stuff, and it's I have to sort of some places are easier than others. I was in Colchester last night and that's got I've read a couple of books about it and stuff and it's got

a brilliant sort of, well it's got a great history of Boudicca burning the place down, all this sort of thing and the Civil War Humpty Dumpty. But Boudicca, was that the was that the mad bloke in To Kill a Mockingbird? Yeah. When did Boudicca become Boudicca? I don't know, I said she's like a rapper

she's like, you know, Boudicca a.k.a. Boudicca. Come to burn down your... It's like Uranus, that moment when it became Uranus. At least we can see some logic to that. People just got sick of her smirking. Maybe Boudicca in some languages is really, really filthily rude. It sounds fairly rude in English, if you don't mind me saying. Boo dicker. I've never had the emphasis on the dicker.

Humpty Dumpty is from Colchester. What? Humpty Dumpty. He was a real person. No, Humpty Dumpty was a gun, a royalist gun, and during the Civil War, Cromwell's people shot it down, and so people said ha ha, Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

I'm not going to recite the rhyme because I'm sure you know it. Except of course for the bit where the King's horses try to put the thing back together again which, you know, horses never been that good at reassembling broken guns. But that's about that. And apparently

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star was written there as well. In Colchester? Yeah. So I said, oh, the original I can't go on, I'll have to miss out a word but I said, oh, the original probably went Twinkle Twinkle Little Star a squaddy's nicked me bloody car and they quite liked that. Hold on, can you

say bloody? No. So, yeah, and also The Home of the Z-Donk. Yeah! Hold on, can you say bloody? No. No, that is apparently not. So, yeah, and also, the home of the Z-donk. Yeah. God, yes. That's what I was going to say. How do you know that?

I've touched the Z-donk. I went to Colchester Zoo and it was there. And I actually reached... Have I not talked about this before? I don't know what that is. Sorry, guys. This is marvellous because I've mentioned the Z-donk. Maybe not for the listeners, but for us. This is marvellous because I've mentioned... Maybe not for the listeners, but for us.

Because I've got... Well, I'll come back to this, but the marvellous thing of Twitter... I'm sure you're familiar with the world of Twitter. I've heard of it. I don't do it myself. He won't do it, Mark. He's good. I feel people are inclined to pry. Yes. Well, the first show I was doing, I thought, what I'll do is each show that I'm going to do,

I'll mention on Twitter that I'm going there. Has anyone got anything interesting to say about it? And the first one was in Huddersfield. And so a few people said, oh, there's a big Luddite battle. This was the major battle in Huddersfield. The Luddite battle was up there. And I said, oh, yeah, I've read a bit about that. And so there was a little bit of that going backwards and forwards on the Twitter.

And then someone on Twitter wrote, go on Mark, you slag them Luddites off as much as you like mate. It's not like they'll be following you on here, is it? That is a good joke. That is a good joke, yeah. So I put that on Colchester and quite a few people said it was the home of the Z-Donk, where a zebra

mated with a donkey, the produce being this Z-Donk. Which I didn't really believe. And they were all shouting out, it's true, you know, last night, they were really going for it. It's true. And so I sort of had to go for it. So this Z-donk thing, the stripes, if you touch them,

did they sort of come off in your hand? Was there a lot of felt-tip pen tops nearby? And then they started getting quite cross. So most of the second half ended up being an argument about it. Well, the donkey part of it started getting quite cross, so most of the second half ended up being an argument about it. Well, the donkey part of it started getting quite cross. Yes, yes. I touched the Z-Dog. It came up to the fence when I went there.

I'm often, for some reason, I attract hybrids. And I was knocked over by a Vaux. Anyway, so I couldn't think of a hybrid car then. That's the trouble as you get older. It's hard to be impromptu. So I reached out and touched it on the... Is it a snout on a Z-Dog? so I couldn't think of a hybrid car that's the trouble as you get older you can't it's hard to be impromptu so I touched I reached out and touched on the

is it a snout on a Z-Dong that's a good question that's this week's phoning yeah and it it snarled sort of really quite aggressively well neither a zebra

nor a donkey would snarl no but you see yeah yeah but once they're forced into the sun well it doesn't know who it is. It's probably gone to see the sort of animal shrink every week. Yeah. I just don't know where I fit in.

It definitely exists. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank... Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. One day like this, Elba, we're with Mark Steele, who is currently on tour everywhere Mark plays. He does 20 minutes of material about that specific tale. It is a bit mad.

If you get a book that's got so long, I was in Exeter, and I bought this book called A Child's History of Exeter, and there was a bit in it, and straight away I mean, sometimes if you get a book that's got so long, I was in Exeter and I bought this book called A Child's History of Exeter. And there was a bit in it straight away. I thought, oh, well, that that's handy because it's apparently Exeter was invaded three consecutive years in the 10th century by the Danes. And in the book it said, and on the third year, the people of Exeter said, oh, not the Danes again, surely. year, the people of Exeter said, oh, not the Danes again, surely. I thought, oh, there we are, that's fine.

There is always something. Also, like in Penzance, people were telling me about the town up the road, St Ives, and they said, oh, it's posh up there, we don't like it there. So I asked the audience, is that right? You think St Ives is posh? And this woman shouted, yes, it is posh.

They've got their own dentist. I think that's posh. Yeah, that's quite posh. So you're in Newbury tonight, if anyone... I'm in Newbury tonight, and I'm a bit stuck. This is the point of the tour where I've sort of... It's not an easy one, Newbury. It's a Newbury block. Yeah, no, I know Vodafone's there.

Horse racing. There's horse racing. It's a Newbury block. Yeah, no, I know Vodafone's there. Horse racing. There's horse racing. That's a cool 20 minutes. Yeah, I could just do... What I could do is just re-enact the commentary of the 3.30. On a Vodafone phone. There you go, sorted. Phew, that was a close one.

Oh, yeah, then what else have we got? That's about it. I know there's a river and a canal and a very small museum. That's about me lot. But I'll have to try and think of it. It's funny, I did put on Twitter, there's anybody who knows anything about Newbury, as far as I'm from Newbury,

and sadly the first three people from Newbury all said there's a bypass, which is, that's not chirpy, is it? That the first thing that everyone thinks of is the way to avoid the town. Maybe you could write some general sort of generic bypass material and use that. And use that for everywhere that's got a bypass. Yeah, exactly. You could do it, couldn't you, generic stuff? You could do stuff about...

Maybe, you could maybe cheat it, but it's sort of... No, I know you're a purist. I realise that. Yeah. Birmingham, I was sort of... I was up there the other night and that was quite a fun one because the audience started shouting things out about... Oh, they do that up there. Yeah, but it was

about King Kong. Someone said... Oh yeah, King Kong. And I didn't know about this. What's that? Yeah, and I said, King Kong. Someone said... Oh, yeah, King Kong. Yeah, and I didn't know about this. What's that? Yeah, and I said, King Kong? And a couple of people, yeah, what about King Kong, Mark? And I said, well, King Kong wasn't set in Birmingham,

so I start doing a whole thing. I think you've been misinformed, you know. It wasn't, put me down, you great, horrible ape, and all that. I haven't heard that shouted many a time. That wasn't the excuse. It wasn't me, it was King Kong, dear. Yeah, sort of, it wasn't climbing up the BT Tower and all that, but then I felt an idiot at the end,

because I was the one in the wrong. There was a King Kong, wasn't there? Yeah, it was an enormous fibreglass King Kong that stood in Digbert. I think it was a car warehouse or something that was called King Kong. And that's why they had this massive thing built. I mean, this was obviously before the recession when people would build a giant fibreglass King Kong. But, yeah, it's one of those that it kind of, I imagine, it was up about a year and a half and then they sold it. I think someone took the head off or something and it's gone missing.

So they told me. I hope it's not still there. Just gathering rain. There's a shop in Birmingham. I don't know if it's still there, but it's called Fonz Levers. That was a great idea, wasn't it, when Happy Days was on? And now maybe not quite so good. My favourite shop on all these is in Boston, in Lincolnshire.

And I was sort of reading about it before I went, and there was lots of people sort of saying, oh, well, Boston, Lincolnshire, that's the chav town of the whole of that area, the Lincolnshire area, and people very, very rude. And I'm not big on the word chav anyway anyway. But it was all that sort of thing. And I thought, I'm going to try and defend Boston from that. And I got there, and in the middle of the high street, there's a big electrical goods shop,

and it's called It Must Be Stolen. That's the name of it. And there's a picture of a little burglar with a little bag. Oh, brilliant. That's brilliant. Car radios with the back all roughly ripped up. Car radios? Do they still exist?

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'm with Mark Steele, and he is on the road. And the good thing, though, about being a stand-up, is you get to go to places you wouldn't normally go um yeah yeah definitely well i think with this um with this show on the radio show did orkney which i yeah you wouldn't go there and that's the thing no people is there a kind of a tourist thing in orkney well there is uh well the serious thing is that the top half of scotland is empty pretty much as we know And that's because of all the Highland clearances, but they never got to Orkney.

So there's still a lot more there. Although, or there's a sort of town there. It's only tiny. Still people waiting there for the clearances. Stopping tea chests. They were the 18th century, basically the 14th. They were ruled by Norwegians. And at one point, the Norwegian that ruled them

was called Torfin the Skull Splitter. Right. And I got a book called Who Was Who in Orkney? And I thought, I must look up Torfin the Skull Splitter. I swear, honestly, this is exactly what it says.

Little is known about Torfin the Skull Splitter, but from his name, it's believed he may have been violent. Or just really liked to share. But it's a brilliant place and they've not got enough... Oh, hang on, I've got a cough coming on here. Can you cough on the radio? You can cough, but don't cough right into the microphone.

You'll bring the whole system down. It might spread to the radio too. I don't like the frog in the throat sound. I don't like the Mark Steele underwater element. Sound of a bottle of water. Oh, now the water's... He's scrunching the water. He did it.

Can I just say, you did it like the world's strongest man. I didn't know you had some strength. That's glass. That's a glass bottle and I've just scrunched it. Brilliant. Man of steel.

Oh, man of steel. Yeah, steal the bottle splitter, scrunched it. Brilliant. Man of steel. Oh, man of steel. Yeah, steal the bottle splitter, as they call it. Little is known in the 24th century. From his radio broadcast, it's believed he may have been 84 stone. So, in Orkney, this sort of almost competes with it must be stolen in Boston. Don't say that about radio. It puts 84 stone on you.

There's not enough people, really, to justify lots of individual shops that sell specific things. So they double up. So there was a tiny, Kirkwall's the capital of Orkney, and it's tiny. There's one little high street that's probably about 200 yards long. And there was a shop there that I walked past many times over the course of the time I was there, and it was full of prams and baby equipment, a sort of little Orkney mother care thing.

And then I noticed over the door, it said, this premises is licensed to sell intoxicating liquor. I thought, what? And I walked in, and if you go past all the prams, there's a massive off-license. It's like something out of the 1920s Chicago. Just a, I mean, massive. And just like those shops in Scotland

that'll have like 300 different types of whiskey. And I said, are you a pram and whiskey shop? Pram and whiskey, yeah. It's just a marvellous place. I suppose the theory is anyone who goes to a whiskey shop often enough will need a pram. Yeah, maybe. If only to get home.

It's fabulous. It's full of that. It's such a good atmosphere there. Have you ever played in Orkney? No, I've never been. How many people roughly live there? I think about 5,000 live in the capital

and then probably about another 5,000 over the rest of Orkney, which is big, you know, because it can be like, it'd take two hours to get on a boat or something. On a pram. On a pram. But loads of them came. You'll get sort of 500 people,

or 10% of the population will easily come out. And they love it. And I said at the start of the show, this is the easiest place to get a standing ovation, because regardless of how rubbish the show is, they're just amazed you got there. I always worry about that when comics, I talk about some out-of-the-way places. The thing is, the is, they're just amazed you got there. I always worry about that when comics, I talk about some out-of-the-way places.

The thing is, the audience, they're really grateful. I always think, I don't want them just to be grateful for me turning up. That's a bad thing. They've got this, when you get there, people will say, instead of saying, oh, did you enjoy the trip or something like that, they'll say, well, so you made it to the island then.

And that's how they greet you, as if there's a reasonable chance youso, you made it to the island then. And that's how they greet you, as if there's a reasonable chance you won't have made it. Some people don't. God, there must be loads of dead comics swilling around. In the North Sea. That's what happened to Michael Barrymore, I bet. Sitting for ages. So, Mark, so if anyone

wants to go and see you, which obviously, not if, but there will be people listening to this thing, I want to go and see Mark Steele, they should go to marksteeleinfo.com. Yeah. How long are you on tour for? I've got about, till about the end of March, or first week in April, I think.

And we'll get in there now, then. So I've got about 30 dates left. Shall I read some of them? I'm never very good at this thing. Are you any good at this sort of thing? Please come and see my funny show. You're around. They'll just look you up and go.

I thought you were going to start reading the data. Don't read all the data. Well, Newbury tonight, Swindon tomorrow, and then a load of other places. Swindon, you'll be all right with the magic roundabout material. Exactly, yes. I look forward to that. It's always good to see you.

Twinned with a Disney park in France, Swindon. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's pretty good. Not even twinned with a proper place. Anyway, don't use up your stuff now. So, look, it's always great to see you, Mark. Go and see Mark.

As I say, he's a proper comic. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. Neon Trees, Animal. Not necessarily in that order. Can I be absolutely honest? I'm not totally sure what's the title of the song

and what's the title of the band. But, I mean, some people would have bluffed their way through it. Not Frank. No, not Frank. So, it's the final link we come to near the end. Perhaps we could end with the National Anthem. That's what they used to do in the old days. Wow, yeah.

We'd get it right, though, unlike some. A lot, a lot. I didn't even see the Christina Aguilera national anthem did you not see it oh it was brilliant you hate the way they always do a soul voice

whenever they do she always does that I thought yeah shut up we don't do that with God Save the Queen no

I sing it like a chorister at St Paul's or something I go very high do you yeah give us an example God Save our Queen oh god you are like a chorister at St Paul's or something. I go very high. Do you? Yeah. Give us an example. God save our gracious... Oh, God, you are like a chorister at St Paul's.

How do you do it, Frank? How do you do your National Anthem? Well, I give it some. Do you? At football matches. Actually, do you know what Emma told me? Our producer mentioned that when you were over in South Africa, you gave it some.

I told her to keep that under her hat. Yeah, well, I... I think I'm compensating for... I went to see... A lot of you will be able to identify with this. In the 70s, I went to Coventry Belgrade Theatre to see Danny LaRue. And I was with our Keith and some of his friends,

and at the time they were quite anarchic. They were sort of a bit mods-ish. And when they played the National Anthem, they didn't sit down. They didn't stand up, rather. And people were standing. You could hear that absolute air break. Donald Duck?

Yeah. Donald Duck was there. Did I not mention that? And anyway, I didn't know whether... My mum had stood up, obviously, but I didn't know whether to be with the parents or whether to be with my brother. Where did you go, Frank?

So I sort of was halfway on the seat and half... I let the seat go up and I sat on the top of the seat. So I was almost standing. You went a bit Clegg, is what I call that. Yeah, like I was sitting in one of those misery cord seats that they have in churches, you know. Google it. And I think I've always felt guilty of those misery chord seats that they have in churches you know google it and um and i think i've always felt guilty about the fact i didn't stand for the national anthem at danny larue at

the belgrade theater in the 1970s so ever since then i sing like there's no tomorrow you don't do the round of applause at the end or i hate it sporting events i mean go god why do they clap i don't know why they do that i They do that with a minute's silence. That's why you can have a very solemn minute's silence. At the end everybody goes, Come on! Come on! You think,

Oh, come on, just a minute's silence. Have a bit of a link into... Give me a ramp. Give me an emotional ramp to take me from silence to going, Come on!

Anyway, Ben Jones is here, Frank. Ben Jones is next. So I've got to wait. I'm going to the BAFTAs, Frank, and so is he. Well, I'm not going to the BAFTAs, so what about it? You're going to the BAFTAs, I'm going to learn how to ride a bicycle. That's the difference between you and me.

Next week, our guest is Jason Byrne. Did I say that as if I was reading it from a piece of paper? I wonder what that was. And you can listen to Not The Weekend podcast, which is available on Wednesday, which is completely different from this show, and aren't you glad to hear that? I say, aren't you glad to hear that? I've got to go The Weekend podcast, which is available on Wednesday, which is completely different from this show, and aren't you glad to hear that? I say, aren't you glad to hear that?

I've got to go to West Bromwich, I want to go to West Bromwich, West Ham, but it's a crucial relegation game, and then I've got to go on the pitch half-time. We could be 3-0 down, it could be one of the most desolate, terrible places on earth, and I've got to talk about crisps at half-time. I deserve to be lynched. That's what I say. Don't put ideas in their minds. No, you're probably right.

What happened in Egypt? Well, that's good, though, isn't it? Do you think he said on telly, I deserve to be lynched? Yeah, they're just messing about. Yeah. Oh, poor old Mubarak. Anyway, yeah, I bet there's a lot of students thinking,

oh, God, they've changed the whole country. We did nothing. That's the trouble with just coming down for a short period. You've got to camp out there. They made Camilla duck in the car. Yeah, that's it, though. It's the three-day return is what's ruined revolution in this country. People think we'll get back after, come down for a couple of hours.

Ben Jones is banging on the wall here. Well, he always is. I know. We should let him out. Anyway, thank you for listening and I love you all and next time I speak to you I'll be able to ride a bike. Possibly. You're listening

to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.