The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Micky Flanagan

Episode Date: August 7, 2010

Frank is back from his holiday and is joined by Emily and Steve Williams. They chat about crazes, including sacklining, crisp packet fashion accessories and the chicken foot.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you Thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absolute radio.co.uk Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Saturday morning. I'll tell you why I'm starting like that, because that is Gareth, of course, my trusty aide.

He's not here this morning. He's in Edinburgh. Yeah, but Emily, as you will have guessed, is here. Oh, I'm very much here in abundance. And we've brought someone off the sobs bench. You know, I'm ticking the Fabio Capello thing of bringing youth. Yeah. And getting rid of the golden generation.

I met a man on the tube this morning, and he agreed to come in with us. Yeah. That's so interesting. Do you mean you brought him in with you? Yeah. From home. Yeah. So Steve Williams is with us.

Good morning, Frank. Good morning. Good morning. Oh, he's gone a bit bluesy. I like that. I like that. Let's try to state my claim. Saturday morning. Yeah, it is. It's a bit I thought it was a bit hillbilly. Saturday morning, old jammer. I just want people to know I've got my own

style, so I'm not garish. I like that, Frank. Pick up truck in Bloodhound. Love it. Exactly. And when it jumps in the back, so the dog never actually, you just get in the car. style so i'm not garrett so i like that frank pick up truck and bloodhound love it exactly yeah and when it jumps in the back with that so the dog never actually you just get in the car yeah dog jumps in the back of its i'm imagining the sort of one of them bloodhound yeah i love a bird dog i think i call them yeah because they are capable of flight i don't know if you knew that so steve um is a comedian who i've worked with in the past, and he's a very funny man. And you're from Wales, Steve, am I right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm from Wales. So, you know, for me, this is like a holiday coming to London. Well, I think it's very special. Oh, absolutely. You may be wondering what the source of illumination is on the ceilings. It's called electricity. That's very unkind, isn't it?

See, I can't make that joke. I get called a snob yeah exactly but um so it's great it's from birmingham yeah exactly that's all right i've said exactly twice lost breaking the no repeat guarantee already i've only been back five minutes so frank we've really missed you because you've been away for ages yeah well i was i was at the world cup i don't know if you remember the world cup i've more or less had it removed now. But I've been in Norway for two weeks. Oh, nice.

I thought I'd been at the World Cup, but I should take my girlfriend away on a bit of a romantic holiday. Makes sense. We headed for Scandinavia. Scandinavia. Yeah. Apparently Mauritius was full. Never mind.

Yeah. I can't swim, so those holidays are good to me. I don't want to just sit on the beach watching people edgily coming up the pebbles, you know, their feet softened by swimming in the sea, and I'm too frightened to go out there like a big fool. And I end up minding people's clothes. And I don't want that in my life. So, yeah, so we went to Norway, where everything is frozen.

How was it? Well, I'll tell you what we did. We stayed at this hotel, and one of the rooms at the hotel, room 47, if you want to know for certain, was a lighthouse. A lighthouse? Yeah, proper. One room was a lighthouse? Yeah. That's incredible.

Yeah. And the lighthouse, it was like a two-storey lighthouse. It wasn't a very tall one, but it was on the end of a very, very long, thin, sticky outy bit, which there's probably a technical term for. And so the bottom of the lighthouse is like a bathroom toilet, and then there's a small bed. The whole thing is like your bedroom. Oh, so like the end of a pier, that sort of thing. Yeah, like the end of the pier.

I always instinctively head for the end of the pier. I always instinctively head for the end of the pier. I knew you'd end up there, even on holiday. So, yeah, so I it cost, well, I don't think it's right to say what it cost. No, more than a travel lodge. About 800 quid for a night. You are joking. In a lighthouse. Well, I think it's, you know,

it's love. I'm expressing my love with this one special romantic night. And it's got something for both of you. For her, it's romantic. For you, it's love i'm i'm expressing my love with this one one special romantic night and it's got something for both of you for her it's romantic and for you there's a chance of scooby-doo villain in a lighthouse it's got something i haven't thought of that is there a scooby-doo villain in the light they always live in lighthouses do they yeah you've been watching the nautical version i don't remember that one at all anyway so um we i got in there i i sort of secretly um paid the money and that behind because we're gonna stay why did you secretly pay the

money because just pay put a credit card over like normal people but i did i did a transfer i didn't know about the light house till i got there and i found out it was empty that night so i said let's do it let's you know let's let's be all right When they gave me the keys, the key ring was two hearts. I mean, genuine, ox hearts. Still dripping, which I hadn't expected. I could distinctly identify a left ventricle. Anyway, we got to the lighthouse, and I got in there, and it was lovely, and there's just a small, one small

window and you could look straight onto the sea, obviously. It's a lighthouse. One window? Sounds like a prison cell. It's a lighthouse. What would you think it would have? It's a bit Count of Monte Cristo. Well, it's funny you should say that because Kath, my girlfriend, I'd forgotten, suffers

quite badly with claustrophobia. Oh yes, she does, doesn't she? So we got in there and she basically went into a panic and went into a three o'clock position, sat with her knees up by her chin on the bed. And with me going, come on, be romantic. And there was a bottle of champagne that had been left for us with two glasses with hearts on as well.

And I think these were pig hearts. They were certainly smaller. But neither of us drink. You don't drink. So that was, oh, man, it got worse and worse. So we sat and we had a massive row about her terrible ungratitude and how I could have done a lot of things without 800 quid. Yeah, like bought diamonds.

Yeah, exactly. Apparently you get them free in some countries. Dirty pebbles. Yeah. Dirty pebbles. One episode of Flintstones, that one. Very good. So, you'd think someone in the court would have got that in, wouldn't you? Yeah.

So anyway, so you had the row. So I found there's something about being i don't know if you've ever been in a lighthouse but it seems to bring out honesty you it's like you can't lie in a lighthouse because he knows the truth yeah it just it's something to do with it being a beacon of illumination and telling people that they're a rough rock so and basically i at one point i went love on the rocks because it was an element of that but it was a very cleansing it was like it was an emotional sauna we sat in there and we talked through all these grievances and oh what a lovely romantic night it sounds like

most of my romantic nights i think what everyone wants to know is did you turn the light on well i tell you what happened it's's very odd, because I'd absolutely assumed that it was no longer a working lighthouse. Oh. And then at ten o'clock, because she'd said, I feel I'm going to just suffocate in here, can you open that trap door in the ceiling? So we opened this big door in the ceiling,

a little bit of air in. But at ten o'clock, the light came on. And then it went off. And then it came on again. So we sat there having this very serious conversation about, you know, our relationship and blah, blah, blah. In this, what was like the slowest stroke I've ever been in in my life.

Absolute. Radio. I'm back in the saddle again. Oh, I certainly am. Out where a friend is a friend. Yes, I think so. Where the longhorn cattle feed on lonely gypsum wheat. Back in the saddle again. Oh, I love that, Frank. Reminds me of an old bar brawl I once heard. Anyway, tell us about the lighthouse. Oh, I love that, Frank. Reminds me of an old bar brawl I once heard. Anyway, tell us about the lighthouse. Oh, the lighthouse, yeah. Well, the other thing was that after the light came on, I

found a certain responsibility because suddenly you're the tender of the light. Do you know what I mean? And I thought, what if the light suddenly went out? Is it up to me to start looking for bulbs? Or to try and phone someone because i don't i don't want to think oh i can't be bothered and then you know you're kept awake by ships hitting the rocks

so i honestly got quite anxious about the responsibility of being essentially the lighthouse keeper that's exciting you were the lighthouse family for that. It wasn't that bad. I did think about playing the lighthouse family as a sort of an apposite track for this, but I hate them so much, I thought, no, I'd rather play something unconnected. Yeah. And also there was a book there

which people had written messages in, and they'd written incredibly, you know, we had the most romantic night of our life. And I just wrote, you can't tell lies in a lighthouse. Did you say that? Yeah. And then I wrote something about

the black grey sea spitting and snarling. Oh, that's nice. And the dispirited night sky, if I remember what's the right thing. It's a honeymoon couple going in after you. Well, my girlfriend said, don't write that, you'll spite, all the rest is really lovely,

it's got hearts and teddy bears drawn on it. I thought the sort of people that draw hearts and teddy bears on their remarks deserve to be on the mind. Anyway, that's enough about my life. We've had an email in, Frank. A text in, actually. What? On age 12, 15? Age 12, 15?

Where you can text the show about anything you like? I say age 12, 15. This is from Oscar. He says, do you always wear the same suit? At least your hair has changed. Shouldn't you be in Scotland? Is Oscar in the studio?

Oscar the Grouch, I'm calling him. What's wrong with Oscar? Do you always wear the same suit? Is the question. No, but I'll tell you why I'm wearing this suit. I'm going to Edinburgh on Monday and I find if I'm going away

I don't like to wear any of my nice clothes in the week that lead up to it. Oh yeah, I know that. So I'm wearing the pants, the elastic have completely gone in. I tear up about the elastic in these pants. This morning I just stretched them a bit with my thumbs, as you do before you put pants on.

Who does that? Abbott and Costello. I did. No one else does that. I did. I just stretched them, and the elastic went... You know when the elastic's starting to go, it starts to crack? The fatigue sound.

Exactly. Elastic. It's petrifying. That's what it is, the elastic. So I thought I'll wear this suit all week, because it needs dry cleaning. Oh, I'm glad you've worn me. Yeah. God. So you have worn that suit

all week? Yeah. Oh, wow. So Oscar was right. No, Oscar said I've only got one suit. I have a whole array of suits. That you wear for a week at a time. Yeah, but exactly. I think that's about right for a suit, isn't it? A week. I think you can get more than that out of a suit, basically.

That's what you do, doesn't it? Well, the thing about a suit, you see, it's no part of it is really close to any dirty parts of your body. That's a matter of opinion. Well, it's separated from your armpits by your shirt and from your lower... I don't want to know about all that. OK, well, anyway, I've got

more than one suit, Oscar, but thanks for texting in because no one else has on 8-12-15. I say 8-12-15. Let me hear you say 8-12-15. So, I'll tell you something else I saw in Norway. I saw two girls arrive. I was looking out the window, not the lighthouse. I moved on. I looked out the window. Two girls

arrived with a large rope. And I thought, oh, I don't know, this is a lynching. I imagine there's a lot of them. You don't see many lynchings these days. No, apparently not. Just a mob with a pitchfork. They're still quite common in Scandinavia. Burning torches.

Towards the lighthouse. Burn him. He's too sinister for our honeymoon suite. Exactly. He's throwing the visitors' book. And his bleak comments. That's how they speak in norway i don't know if you need that well got some norwegian sweets you haven't do you want a norwegian sweet maybe i'll give you one off here give us one now oh god oh blimey chris miles

yeah so um so these girls they stretch this rope between two trees and about two foot off the ground yeah and they tightrope walked oh i thought well there must be circus folk they've got a spare minute let's get a bit of practice off the ground yeah well you don't want to hurt yourself if you fall it's quite impressive steve how's that impressive yeah but the next with the peril in that off the ground it's about it's about whatarel in there. Two foot off the ground. That's a washing line, isn't it? It's about two... What, your washing line is two foot off the ground. What are you washing for? Action Man?

I've only got one Action Man suit, so I only do it every, like... Oh, you're a... Oh, he's got you there. Oh, man, I'm stitched up like a big... Can I just say, guys, Ian and Chelmsford, bit busy, text you later. That's fair enough.

I imagine... Oh, story of my life, Ian. You'll be a squaddie, will you, Chelmsford? Oh, maybe. I think they ought most people there. Might be nice for me. I'm familiar with his behavioural patterns, anyway. We don't know what he's busy with.

He might be sawing up one of his victims. Let's not assume he's a nice person at this stage. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, we were talking about these girls and the rope. Oh, yes. And apparently it's called slacklining and it's a new craze because the next day I saw two completely different girls doing the same thing really so everyone's at it now they're putting um when you say everyone two girls in norway four girls in norway yeah let's be fair

thanks steve for backing me up anytime i'm warming to you i'm really i need i need some sort of reinforcement he needs you yeah so i was thinking about um crazies i don't mean crazies as in like people who go around and shoot 12 people i mean craze is es you know and do you remember um clackers that sounds horrible that's on birmingham no it used to be two orange plastic balls on string and if you've gone going really you'd sort of get your hand... It's hard to do this on radio. Yeah. You'd go up and down with your hand really fast,

and they'd hit together at the top and the bottom and really make a fantastic... Like a sort of maraca thing. That's me doing it for anyone who's listening at home. Oh. Is it really? Clackers. Yeah, do you not remember clackers?

They were massive clackers. Was that a craze? It was a craze. Perhaps it was before you. How old are you, Steve? I'm 33. You're looking edgy. I can't remember.

Are you lying to the Inland Revenue about your age? How old are you? Oh, Frank! Don't worry, honey, we're all at it. Oh, no. I've said the worst. Oh, my God. I should god i should explain ever mention my age should explain steve but this is the theme from day of the triffids which is a 1960s tv it's not

60s isn't the 80s on 80s tv show but um emily was in as a child star oh yeah yeah you're a child actress yeah wow let's talk about me for a bit. I love it. Yeah. What crisis then? What crisis? Okay, so I had quite a few, actually. Elastics, which I loved. That's a bit like that slacklining thing. Elastics. You'd love Frank's pants, then.

Yeah, don't worry about it. An old bag of Frank's pants for you to play with. Yeah, just for the sound effect. I think that's the elastic, anyway. The crackles. And we used to play shrunken crisp packets as well what on earth is that no i'm not the only one that did this because once i remember talking to daisy on the show about this and she did exactly the same thing when she was a kid you'd get a crisp packet and you'd put it in the oven um at a yeah you would a full crisp packet yeah with crisps inside no you didn't well hold on a full crisp packet yes with crisps inside no this is this has all got a bit naomi campbell

hasn't it dirty pebbles hear me out you put it in the oven okay low heat yeah and then you took it out didn't you days and then when you got it out i like she's my assistant yep and then you got it out and it was so tiny frank it was like a little borrower's size chris packet and then it shrinks yes really nicely and neatly and then you put a safety pin on hey presto fashion badges you got a badge of a bag of ch, I had hundreds. Hula hoops, golden wonder, skips. There's no need to advertise. Potato puffs? Space invaders?

Potato puffs were absolutely the best. Do you remember those small, very thin potato sacks? They looked like sacks. I don't mean Andrew sacks. They looked like tiny sacks. And I thought, that's great, because potatoes obviously come in sacks. So they put a theme. They were loveless.

They were absolutely lovely. That'd be great if you could get potato versions of Andrew Sachs. Well, talking about Andrew Sachs on the radio has never got anybody in trouble. No, you're OK. Absolute Radio. There you go. Besnard Lakes, like the ocean, like the innocent, part two. We've had loads of texts in, Frank, on 8.12.15. There you go. Besnard Lakes. Like the ocean, like the innocent. Part two. Hmm.

We've had loads of texts in, Frank, on 8.12.15. Have you? Oh, they're loving this. Clackers. So they do exist. Yeah, don't they, Steve? You were looking at me like I was making a complete fool of myself. There's a bit of dispute about the name. Go on.

Because we've got emails that say, I remember Clackers, Frank. Then we've got some people saying Canockers. Canockers? Which I think is someone enunciating a silent letter, isn't it? No, but I think there might have been a ca-something in there. Because it was on a matter peak. Because they sort of went... That's what someone else has written.

Calackers. K-A-L. It could be calackers. Which is one of my favourite. Because I won't tell you what my first thought was that I thought they were called. Because it's a word... I'll have a look in the manual. Canockers. No, you can't't um but yeah maybe that's right maybe it wasn't just clackers maybe yeah tessa says hi frank my husband

reckons they were called clackers that's possible because they were based loosely i think on nomchakas oh that clears it all up the The Morris dancing equivalent of weaponry. Yeah, they were... Do you know what nomchakas are, do you? No. They're those things that Bruce... I was born in London. Yeah, those things that Bruce Lee used to have on, like, kind of on strings,

and you swing them round really, really fast. Yet again, no. Oh, OK. Well, I had nomchakas through most of my teens. You had nomchakas? Yeah, well, it was so cold in Birmingham. Yeah, but you used to get them going, nomchakas, and then you couldn't really stop them.

The only way to stop them was to let them hit you across the face. Well, Mandy in Broxbourne says clackers, also known as click clacks, and you'd have to wrap a tea towel around your arm as they came back and hit you and you had bruises all up your arm. Is that true? That is true, actually. I'd forgot about the tea towel around the wrist. Otherwise, across the wrist bone. You know that one, like, lumpy wrist bone that sticks out? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's across that. It's a bit like, you know those blokes who burgle houses and get chased by police dogs? And they've always got heavily padded arms. One heavily padded arm. It was like that. I think that bloke had actually broken in and then was playing kalakas. So the kalaka used to hit back on your arm? No, no, it shouldn't do.

The technique was right. It should then go down and constantly hit the other kalaka. It was like the sort of working class version of the Newton's Cradle. Anyway, if you can think of any other crazes, which we'd love to hear from you. other clacker it was like the sort of working class version of the newton's cradle anyway if you can think of any other crazes which we'd love to hear from you oh the crisp packets were called shrinky dinks thanks everyone is that right yeah i love it what did they do in in wales as a as a craze shrink heads they shrunk heads yeah it's cultural and then they then put them on a string and went up and down and they clapped together

in soul well sprays i'll come and down and they clapped together. Ince the whole world's phrase, I'll come up there and knock your heads together. Is that? Absolutely. Oh, I'm glad we've got to the bottom of that. By the way, Mickey Flanagan is our guest today, who I must say is one of my very favourite comedians. I say one off, Steve. Don't look at me sulky like that. I can't say I like him because last time I said that, someone texted and went, I wish that posh one would stop saying, oh, I love him, I love him.

Really? So now I'm going to be cockney and just be misanthropic about everyone. I hate him. I look forward to that. We had a really nice email in during the week. I think we should listen to some adverts first. I feel this could be not...

Don't give me that. I can't break down the whole commercial radio structure because you're a little bit upset about it. Who do you think pays our wages? I say, who do you think pays our wages? Whoever the first company is on this block of adverts are the people who this week are paying our wages. So brace yourselves.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Chocolate Snow Patrol? Oh, that sounds lovely, doesn't it? Can I have a Chocolate Snow Patrol, please? I'm sold out. I'm sorry. I've still got this Norwegian sweet I haven't eaten yet. It's a little fish, listeners.

It's a little black fish with some strange coating on it. And it looks like the sort of sweet that you'd give a cat so it's not it's honestly it's a human bird sweet ironically tastes like the kind of sweet you give a dog it doesn't yeah it's horrendous put it in your mouth it's horrible you you always use that a lot so so apparently we're sponsored by cathedral city the nation's favorite have you said the nation's favorite cheese or the asian's favorite cheese the nation they don't eat much cheese in Asia, do they? I don't know.

I've never noticed it there much. I like that. It's slightly ironic because I got a lovely present from Absolute this week. What did you get? A sort of a thank you for all my work in South Africa. When I say all my work in South Africa, I don't mean I've been helping people on the townships. I mean, I've been doing stupid football jokes. That's in a shopping centre.

Exactly. And they sent me, because it's difficult to buy for me, you see, because I don't drink. Obviously, people normally send, you know, a bottle of champagne and all that. So they sent me a hamper of cheese. Oh. No, it was lovely.

It's about nine varieties of cheese. That's a lot of cheese. Well, the thing is, I'm going to Edinburgh on Monday, so I've set about how much this cheese I can get through before I go. It doesn't smell like it's going to keep. It doesn't smell like it's been kept. I mean, it smells. I don't know how much longer my girlfriend's going to cope with it in the fridge.

So I'm eating it. Like, last night I got in and I thought, well, I won't have bread with it, otherwise I won't get to enough cheese. The bread will fill me up. I'll use the biscuits. And I was really, I mean, I had so much cheese. My sweat this morning, I smelt a bit like cheese when I woke up. I've eaten so much cheese to get through it, yeah.

And I've also noticed some large holes forming in my forearms, I think from the gouda, and a lot of blue veins in my legs. And my skin on my shoulders has gone completely red and waxy. Oh, I'd like it if you became Cheese Man, like a superhero. I am. I'm cheesed off, is what's happened. So it's kind of ironic that when I said the next person will be paying our wages this week, it was Cathedral City, the nation's favourite cheese. That's official, apparently. I presume there's been a survey.

People just wouldn't make a claim like that off the top of their heads. No, no. Not Cathedral City. No. So I might as well eat the cheese, because everything else in the fridge tastes like the cheese since the cheese has been in there. Because it's contaminated everything. So I've got to eat it all by Monday. Oh, is that your powering? How much cheese have you got left?

I'd say I've got about 11 pounds of cheese. I mean, in weight. I can't deal with that. Well, how does it work in packets? Four packets? Ten packets? Well, they're in big wedges. Because Steve very kindly suggested that I could play Cheese Trivial Pursuit over the weekend to get it used up and use them as the pie sections.

But it would smell too badly. I mean, it's really strong stuff. What about leaving it in the boot of someone else's car? Now you're talking. Oh. Set, stitch someone up. Yeah. If you've got a mate who, you know, can you drop me off here, bang it in the boot of their car.

And I could put my bag in the boot and say, oh, just get my bag out the back and then put a load of... I need someone who doesn't get in the... go in the boot. No, but then they'll find it. Stitch it into the seats. That's my favourite. Well, it's become quite a big deal now, hasn't it? I'm quite thorough with my revenge. What are you doing in the back there, Frank, with this single sewing machine?

And what's that terrible smell? Give me a minute, will you? Absolute. Radio. We've had some texts in, Frank. Yeah. Haven't we, Steve? Yeah, we've had one from Tim in Peterborough who says, Cathedral City wasn't the first advert on in DAB in Cambridgeshire.

Oh, they have different adverts? It was Go Ape Adventure Parks. Go Ape Adventure Parks. I don't know what they are was Go Ape Adventure Parks. Go Ape Adventure Parks. I don't know what they are. Go Ape Adventure Parks. It's like... Is the phrase Go Ape Adventure Parks or is he saying go to what are called Ape Adventure Parks,

which are adventure parks where apes roam free? It means there's a simian theme to the adventure park. Absolutely. So do apes roam free there? I don't know, I don't run it Is it like Planet of the Apes? Is it like a PG Tips advert? You go to the refreshments thing

and it's run by chimpanzees because if it is, I'm there this afternoon That would be the best thing I can see you get your stinking paws off me I love it That's what they say in the film Is that right? And posing with Frank Smurler Cheese That would be the best thing anywhere. I can see you get your stinking paws off me. I love it. Yeah. That's what they say in the film. Is that right?

And ties in with Frank Smell the Cheese. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. In fact, I think stinking paws is a type of cheese. A lot of it's named after punctuation and grammatical techniques. You know, we were talking about crazes before. Cornish apostrophe is very strong. Sorry, crazes.

Yeah. We've had a bit of a strange craze from Angie. She says, do you remember the chicken foot craze? When we were in junior school, we would go to the butchers and get a claw with the tendons on and pull them to make it move. Lovely kids. Really? I don't...

Was that a craze? Yeah, it's an adventure park called Go Poultry. Poor poultry. Was that a craze? Yeah, it's an adventure park. Go poultry. Poor poultry. Was that a craze? Where is he from, that person? Angie. It's a mystery. It's a toy of mystery. She hasn't said. That's not a craze. That's a torture, isn't it? I want to know where that was a craze.

Yeah, Angie, can you please text him and tell us where you reside? I like it, though, because if you got really good with the tendons, you could sign for the deaf with chicken legs. With chicken legs. I mean, that would be fantastic. Low-fat signing. Yeah, exactly. I mean, why waste, you know?

Because they don't want to be thrown away. The chicken claws. Chicken claws generally are thrown away. No, they're used in those machines at the fairground that they drop down. Is that a chicken claw and they pull the tendon and grab the teddy bear. Another claw is David Baddiel's claw, but that's another story. But you could do that,

Steve. You could have a chicken claw grab at the fairground. Totally. You could just, all you need is extensions on the tendons. You wouldn't be able to reach into the tendons, otherwise you'd be able to reach and get the teddy. Just get the tendons and you could be much more reach and get the teddy just get the tendons and you could be much more delicate you could just you could maybe say that the toy dog you

could just get a little finger under the collar and lift it up i'm all for that we had another strange one didn't we had one that said um uh that frank uh this is from let me look for it oh i got it here john yeah john i used to collect the old ring pulls off cans of drink and fire them at each other. Oh, that's a nice game. I used to do that. They're brilliant. Oh, a special brew. Yeah, because the bendy the bendy. Let's not talk about those years. Yeah, but the bendy bit

like the thinnest, metal-y bit that helps as a spring to fire the circular pull bit. Can't do it anymore though, can you with the new ones. Lots of girls used to make belts and necklaces and stuff out of those ring pulls. Really?

I don't believe that. Are you sure it's not chain mail? I'm not that old. I like the idea of it though. Oh. What were you going to say? I don't want to end on that. I don't want to end on that. I don't want to end on that sound.

I was going to do a ring pull joke and talk better of it. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, we've got some great texts in, Frank. We certainly have. I should say, by the way, in case you're just tuning in, Mickey Flanagan is our guest today.

Probably, I would say, in the top three comedians in this country. Oh, he's fantastic. He certainly is. When you say top three comedians, you mean not in captivity? No, top three. Did I say three? I thought you said three. Oh, the top three comedians. Not in the wild.

He's probably one of the most free-range organic comedians in the country. I think he's allowed to roam free at Go Ape Adventure Park. The simian-themed adventure park. Maybe Go Ape Adventure Park. You should dress as an ape if you have to go ape. See what I mean? So you turn up as some kind of ape.

I could see me. Everyone would be chimpanzees and I'd be the marmoset. Yeah, you would. You have to be different. I have to be a bit different makes me sick talking of different very strange text on 8 12 maybe a mandrill you know yeah could go as a mandrill without events on their nose yeah bruce forsyth could go without any makeup as a man the idea with a mandrill is that its face looks exactly the same as its genitals

so that you can use your face to attract females. Why is that the idea of something? I don't know, but Bruce Forsyth is trying the same theme. And he's, you know, it's not impressing anyone. That's why his chin's hanging about three foot from his nose. Enough! But it is nice to see you. It is.

Now, listen to this, folks. Phil, from Maple Cross, says, you know, we're talking about crazes. And someone raised the subject of chicken claws. Yes. Phil says, we used to get chicken claws and pull our arms inside our sleeves and walk around with chicken hands. It gets even better. Brilliant. And once...

Did they scratch you around in the soil? And he says, and once my mate Pez and me, I like the sound of Pez. What a great nickname, Pez. Pez. You kind of go, you get into scrapes. He's one of those ones that you wouldn't speak to after you left school. He'd be like a tricky friend that your mum wouldn't like. Was he like a rectangular tube with like Goofy on top, just Goofy's head?

Massive mouth. Do you remember Pez Dispenser? That was an American thing. Was it in Britain? Yeah. Pez Dispensers were britain no yeah pez dispensers were yeah pez dispensers were sorry to interrupt sorry to interrupt i heart the 70s can i just finish this email he said in the 50s to me how dare you um and once my mate pez and me had a pair of pig's eyes each because we were dissecting them in biology oh yeah we went up the escalator

we don't want to waste them no We don't want to waste them. No. We don't want to waste them in dissection when there's pranks to be had with pig's eyes. So Pez and Phil said, we went up the escalator in Ilford Woolworths with our eyes closed and the pig ones in our hands yelling, my eyes, my eyes.

What Pez should have done, he should have built a really large Pez dispenser with a pig's head instead of a cartoon head on top. He could have put maybe sandwiches in it instead of those tiny lozenges. Or eyes. I said, oh yeah, we could have filled it with eyes. I like an eye dispenser. I had one as well.

I had an email here from Rebecca in Chelmsford. And she's written down, my dad owned a butcher's and me and my brother would beg him to show us the chicken foot, and he would, which, I know it sounds terrible, he would only let us... Perhaps he had a chicken foot, which he didn't talk about much. Go on, Grandad, show us the chicken foot. Oh, and he pulled off his terrible chicken foot-shaped leather shoe, which was specially made, and had a horrible, full-man-sized chicken foot, which he was a bit sensitive about.

Oh, dear. He used to beg him to show him the chicken foot and he would only let him see it once a week as a treat. He was right. If you've got a chicken foot, don't overdo it, I say. I think less is more with a chicken foot. Once a week is a treat. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily, I'm with Steve Williams, sitting for Gareth today, doing a fabulous job. And we are joined by Mickey Flanagan. Good morning, everybody. And Mickey, I'm very glad to know that you also owned nom checkers as a young man i started to feel like some sort of violent freak yeah no everywhere everybody went and got them but some people took it even further and learned how to use them i didn't have any lessons you could get stupid you could and and there was always someone around

the flats who sort of mastered it to a point. And they'd go, look, everybody watch. And they'd try to take their shirt off. Can I just identify that as a classic Mickey Flanagan moment when he said there was always somebody around the flats. And you'd all have to watch them. And they would do this bizarre little routine, which normally ended with them smacking themselves in the face. Always, always got hit. I like that they took their shirt off. Yeah, you had to take your shirt off. Fabulous. little sort of routine which normally ended them with them smacking themselves in the face and um and he would go oh man that's you know you'll be showing each other moves and it was

basically sort of violence yes you know and it was men going you never know when it might happen so i've got me nunchuckers with me now can you imagine using the nunchuckers in a sort of dispute situation? As if you're going to go, like, someone's going to go, give me all your money, you're going to go, hang on, I've got two bits of wood in the chain here somewhere. The trouble is, if it's a craze, they're liable to get theirs out as well. You're just going to end up entangled. Yeah, that's right.

Like a necklace that's knotted, just tied in the middle. We'd have battles that would end up with them just going, oh, you moment and get him apart i'll see you around the flat we'll get him apart we'll go again i think we'll screw the chain off the handle yeah but has got a posi drive well people used to i i got mine a bloke um at uh at my works used to make them he used to make them in his lunch time and he used to make lunch in his lunch time yeah was he mr miyagi with your pleasure there was always blokes making stuff because they had lathes and stuff the potential kids uh and darts yeah yeah Birmingham in east london you from enter the dragon body shop people used to make their own dart and there was a guy actually on the kung fu. People used to make their own dart. And there was a guy, actually, on the Kung Fu theme.

He used to make Kung Fu stars. Kung Fu stars? Like the shurikens. Yeah. Pardon? They're called shurikens, aren't they? Are they? I thought they were cartoon characters.

No, my godson bought one. They're like, they're weapons, aren't they? Yeah, you flick them, a bit like the old, about the Coke can ring pulls of old. Yeah. You spin them, and they're sharp, and ring pulls of old. Yeah. You spin them and they're sharp and they stick in people. Yeah. You could get a pair of tin snips and sort of get a bean can. What's tin snips?

Are they sweets? I don't know. What is tin snips? Are snips from a tin? Yeah. It's sort of self-explanatory. You know if you need snip tin, they're like pliers. Oh, okay.

So you get the top of a bean can and you would just make a star out of it that wouldn't have the weight you'd be surprised and people would stick them together make a star so it was terrifying you'd be walking through the street and suddenly you'd go

people's garage doors ended up obliterated by kids just practicing against the you know imagine your mate look and you go dave you got an aldi star in your back mate it does make you wonder how we survived did it really you know with the attack of the stars of the nutjackers it was like it's like the night sky someone's if they had a black garage door just covered in stars it's was like a Milky Way. It was beautiful.

Night of a thousand stars, we used to call it in Birmingham. Anyway, can I say that Absolute Radio does not in any way condemn violence in any of its many manifestations? Or chicken claws. Chicken claws. That's not violence, though, is it? I like the idea that chicken claws was a craze. It was, because I think your mum would go and get a chicken,

and the feet would come off, and she would call you in and say, go on, have a play with that for a little while. Is that right? Yeah, on the chicken claw. And you would be given a chicken claw, and she'd go, look, look what it can do. Really? Yeah, and you would go, oh, your first time, obviously, was the best time. Oh, it was all it was.

Yeah, no, you know, your first chicken claw. But after that, she'd call you in and go, want a chicken claw? You go, no, I think I'll leave it this time. What would you do with a chicken claw, though? Numerously. Obviously, chase people with it. Numerously.

Chase people with a chicken claw. Just go... Or put a golf ball in it and pull the tendons where it looks like a small world cup. The hand was the big one. The hand and putting your parka over i say you did the hand thing as well now definitely this happened because when i was decorating the other day i had a tiny roller and i put my my sleeve over my roller and pretended i was like a pirate oh frank

does that all the time what a pilot with a roller i was a painter a painter. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it'd be Captain Roller is coming. Can't be right. It'd be Andy, though, wouldn't you, for tar in the decks

and all that because a hook can be a positive disadvantage when you're doing ship maintenance. Yeah, yeah.

We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Lily Allen, 22. Sounds like someone from a tabloid newspaper.

Lily Allen, 22, said today. So, we are with Mickey Flanagan. Mickey, you're on television. You're fresh from TV. Yeah, I'm still buzzing from being on Big Brother's Big Mouth last night. What was that like? It was... Well, the call came

last week sometime, would you like to come on the show? So I was in that position where I'd go, yeah, I would quite like to see this before it ends. You know, it's been a big phenomenon. But I'd not watched it at all. The ideal guest. I'd sort of seen it in the background. Sometimes you come in, you give it five, ten minutes or whatever.

So I've spent a week watching it religiously and getting to know these guys. Big Brother Cramming. Yeah. Watching some of them twice. Actually, Big Brother Cramming sounds like a bloke you would have known in your teenage years. Down the flats.

And it's been driving my wife up the wall, because it's in me, but she's ignoring it. And she's like, you know, well, we've run out of biscuits. And I'm like, who goes, you decide. I've just been crowbarming it in every situation. And she's like, when are you going to stop watching? It's going to be an interesting social experiment to see if I now can just, shh. Yeah, stop watching.

If I have genuinely started to care. So you're basically, you've used Big Brother for your own. I have, yeah, because I've often thought a lot of these things, if they get you early, they get you in. Or are these people who watch it just a bit unwell? You know, the people who just religiously watch it. Well, I used to be that person. I used to never miss one.

I used to tape it if I was out. You used to watch Back Brother? Yeah. But once then, in the old days, when it was cool. No, up until two series ago, I used to watch it obsessively.

Who's the last person you remember from Big Brother? The last person I remember? Yeah. Science. Who was in that series? That's it. I can't remember anyone

after Bubble. No, the chap who had Tourette's was probably the last one oh yeah yeah yeah the one who you know that was that was the last one i really watched but then they started to make it so bizarre and what uh i didn't like they just put loads of new people in all the time it's like this is no fun get them all out you put another lot the whole idea was watching people crumble yeah being in there so long no fresh faces or stimulation that was the idea was it it was at the origins where let's see how these people cope now it's like people in a lift the doors open some people go out i mean that

that's robbie could all the uninteresting people get out of this for please i have to open up i didn't see it last night so i didn't know you were on how did it go it was good it was good fun it was who else who else was on mickey was great and i watched it last night miami campbell was on i think yeah 30 pebbles diamonds around there yeah and um so no it was because you've seen how big brother works now it goes like the big studio the big eviction and then they go then they interview the um sort of and it goes to another level and then right then there's big brother's big mouth which is basically all these maniacs that are in a room who are absolutely they can't get on the show unless they are absolute fans yeah so the opinions run high and passions are heavy you know the

people it's like listen, you know, there's no way Sam should be out of this house. He's changed everything. He's turned the programme around. You're telling me you think he should go? It's what the election debate should have been, isn't it? There's more passion. There is more passion.

People care more. Yeah. And so you sit there and witness it. You either buy into this or you get there and witness it you either buy into this or you get up and go you know I think I'll go and so it was interesting

to watch that you know do you know my favourite bit of last night's show was the bit when he come back from an ad break and George Lamb and whoever was sat next to him

were chatting and you were looking at top right away just your face said oh my god no well I didn't want that to come across because i was quite enjoying the spectacle of it yeah you know and as you say you're part of what is after all a tv phenomenon well when i went out into the car park and over to that big area

where they all cheer and boo and it was like i've been watching this for ten years, you know, and just to stand there and see it, and see the back of that house, and think, you know, all that's gone on in there that's made sort of history. Yeah. Not changed anything, but... I think it did change things. It changed TV.

Yeah. Big Brother changed things. You know, but... Well, this is this week's phoning. Yeah. Absolute. Radio. Mickey, you're in Edinburgh.

I am, yeah. I'm going up on the final week of the Edinburgh Festival for about seven nights, yeah. I bet that's completely sold out already, you think? Yeah, you know, it's the chicken claw. Is that what it's called? That's the tool. The opening bit is the chicken claw.

I've heard about it, the people of Scotland, and they've said, that is the show for us. Well, they're thinking, what, people don't eat them in England? That's the whole thing. They don't deep fry them. What's going on? They're actually deep fried clutching a marshmallow. Clutching their hearts.

But the big event of the year, I think you'll agree, is the Mickey Flanagan tour. Yes, yeah, that's massive. How many dates is it? It started off at about 30, and I think we're going to go up to about 50, something like that. Wow. Because we're going to take it into the new year. Okay.

So I said, well, why not, you know, have Christmas off and let's go again, really. People are buying tickets, so why would you not? You just keep going until... Well, fatigue. Gordom. Yeah. but that i can get around yeah i can get over those yeah it's empty theaters i can't get over yeah i think you look forward to it but you gotta you end up got to get right weirdo places don't you yeah but i think you've got to get your head around that and just you know stop thinking about home and any other

aspects of your life and just get on with it you know because it's a bit like I think they say in prison you know there's doing hard time and there's doing

easy time you know and it's like the prisoners is that what I think sir yeah the prisoners who sit around all day thinking I could be down the pub now

or I could be doing that there's that hard time and then there's easy time which is like making no choice basically this is where i am this is where i'm going to be following it's like helping in the kitchen i understand they're going on tour it's like being in jail but there are ways of approaching things if you're on tour thinking oh i could i could be at home now then why torture yourself enjoy the tour go for a walk and look forward to doing the show

but you know when you end up in one of those sort of midway like I did a tour and my mate did a tour and he went to the same venue as me in mid Wales and he had to stay overnight

because he wasn't from there I could drive home and he stayed in a B&B in mid Wales and at four o'clock in the morning because there's no hotels it's a remote place

four o'clock in the morning the landlord... Did two men knock on his door with a small pen and say, a gift for you? And he said, oh, don't worry, I won't look at it yet. I'll leave it till the morning. No, go on, sorry. Yeah, so he's in bed, four o'clock in the morning, tiny B&B. The door opens and he heard this guy in a deep welsh accent say to his mate see i told you he was staying here and they don't close again

oh no that is spooky in there no i don't i'm hoping to go to slightly better hotels than that really i've got a baseline travelodge they tend not to do that that's one of their rules well they'll do you know you might be asleep asleep. Yeah, you don't know. It might happen to us on a regular basis. I'll be laying there clutching me nunchuckers. And the star. Ready to attack it. Sleep with the star just under the pillow.

Or it may be a ring pull. Yeah. You can blind one of them. All those things just laid around the bed. Should anyone turn the door open, I'll get them. So when does it begin, the tour? When and where? It starts in Loughborough in September on the 9th.

They're going to do lots of sports. Lugaburra, yeah. Yeah, apparently it's a big university where they don't stop running. Yeah, it's a big sports centre thing. They'll all be after jokes about embrication. I shall do it in a jockstrap for them they'll relate to that

with the claw mounted on the front two chickens feet just star jumping my way through the set I'd use that for the encore you've got to leave yourself somewhere to go what am I thinking about I'll put that for the encore because all day after that you've got to leave yourself somewhere to go what am I thinking about what am I doing

see this is it I'll put that for the encore so Loughborough and what date is that again 10th of September on the 9th

oh I think you know more than me do you Mickey about your tour it's September the 11th that's what it is it's 9-11 which is not a good day

to start the tour really is it well that could be. That was the day I joined my management company. Was it? It was. That was strangely apt. OK, so...

I mean that in a good way. Well, look, Mickey, I absolutely massively encourage anyone listening to this or anyone not listening to this to go and see Mickey Flanagan in Edinburgh or on tour because he is really properly funny and uh it'll be i'm sure it'll be an absolute stormer yeah it's going to be you know the show's tight and it's good it's all the best it's all greatest it show with anything that comes up on the tour and you know i'm looking forward to it i'm still waiting for you to go absolutely mega i I keep saying to people, because then I'll be able to say, I told you, told you Mickey Flanagan was going to go mega.

You can have your own TV show. Your own brand of nunchuckers. And be, you know, a 10 million selling DVD. I'm waiting for it to happen. Don't let me down. Well, Craig, I'm waiting. I'm dying for it to happen. Well, I'm confident.

Between me and you, I think we could get this off the ground I think you're right okay well have fun and I'm in Edinburgh so I'll see you up there I hope

see you there and thank you very very much Mickey Flanagan thank you Absolute Radio we have had a fantastic anonymous email that says

you got nunchucks into nightclubs by hanging them down your trouser legs hyphen one stick each side. Ah, yes, because it's a bit like... Remember when you was a kid and so you didn't lose your gloves?

They were on like a string. Yes, like an elastic thing. And you had one down each sleeve. It was a similar thing there. So you balanced it on your gossy. But less touching, in a way. Well, it was less touching. Well, I don't know.

It depends how you fix it. It's quite a lot touching on her. Yeah, but yes. Why would you take them into a nightclub? Is he looking for trouble? Why would anyone take nunchucks into a nightclub? That guy is not looking to chat up women, is he? No, I'll tell you what he's looking for.

A regional fight is what I think he's looking for. A regional fight. A regional fight. Are you from local? One could imagine that he might be concerned whether things were fully vertical and he was using them as a plumbob. Can you imagine some woman who just grabbed a cup of him

and was just two sticks down his throat? Grabbed a cup of him? I was trying to use radio-friendly language. Oh, I'm so sorry to everyone who's listening. Gareth would never have said that. Ever. So, um... Oh, Frank, we had an email in during the week,

which I'd quite like to read out, if you'll allow me, gentlemen. Do you remember we had a girl called Sarah, Frank? You won't remember this, Steve, because you weren't here then before your time. But Sarah emailed in to us to say that she was really upset because she had a school prom coming up this steve because you weren't here then yeah before your time but sarah um emailed into us to say that she was really upset because she had a school prom coming up and a guy had asked her do you remember yeah i remember that and then at the last minute he dropped her he had a vault fast

he'd suddenly decided he had a vault fast apparently and you know i one of them you're all right two of them you're absolutely stone he changed Two of them, you're absolutely stoned. He changed his mind, Frank, didn't he? He did, yeah. So he'd asked her to the prom. She got all excited, Steve. Imagine, she'd probably bought her a corsage. Yeah. And is that a flower?

I thought she might get a cop of him. Or is it a funeral? She was hoping to grab a cop. Aren't we all? Yeah, but as it turned out, he dumped her and then said, actually, I don't want you to come. Can you imagine the cruelty? So we gave her, we think, some very good advice.

I said, go anyway. You know, you're a bright, obviously from the email, you're a bright, intelligent, you know, lively young girl. You've got your whole life ahead of you. He obviously is a creep. You're better off without him. Go and enjoy yourself anyway. Totally.

And I said he's a loser sitting at home because I don't get even, I get bitter. So anyway, this is what... I presume he went with someone else did well yeah but listen to this chicken claw with him i hope he did in his throat do you want to know what happened i do want to know what happened more than i want to know anything okay dear frank emily and gareth sorry steve um firstly i would like to say welcome back to Frank and I hope you had a good holiday Oh, did the housekeeping like that?

I wrote to you recently about my school prom and you discussed the issue I would like to thank you all for the great advice and I actually had a really good time Oh, there you go It turns out that most of the couples she's put that in inverted commas, which I like the bitterness

most of the couples didn't even speak to each other the whole time. Thank you again, and I hope you all have a good summer. Sarah. Aww. So people went as couples and then didn't. This is a school prom. Yeah. I mean, usually that takes, what, 18 months of marriage

before you get to that stage of going out and not speaking all night. Exactly. Well, she was better off. She's learnt a valuable lesson. Well, i'm very glad sarah that you had a great time i know so am i well done just when i went the weather was appalling it's raining oh god anyway so uh that's uh i'm really that makes me happy anyway we've got to get ready for edinburgh, because for the next three weeks,

and I know you'll all be excited to hear this, we are, I'm not going away again. Don't start thinking, great, Lee Mack will be back. No. Fine. We're going to do the show live from the Edinburgh Festival. It's exciting. Yeah.

Are you going to be up there, Steve? I'm not going this year. No, no. Decorating. Decorating. For three weeks i'll be painting my hallway yeah with your horrible roller hand mini roller oh does that mean we're gonna have that engineer again with the mustache oh we'll have him graham yeah oh yeah we'll have

graham don't worry about i i like him he looks like uh he might have been if there'd been a sort of a if there'd been a squad system with the village people, he'd have been one of those blokes who were in the squad but never... Rotated. He probably would have come in for a call in cup games, but he'd have never played in the village. He might be on Nevermind the Buzzcocks as a number three or something. Potential was in the village people.

Yeah, or if they did, say, Harry Wheatcroft. If you don't know Harry Wheatcroft just google him obviously so that's it I felt a bit edgy this week coming back I've been away for a bit but now I feel completely at home

Steve I thought you were brilliant you've been great thank you very much and it's been fabulous having you on and Mickey was great Emily you're always brilliant so I don't even bother saying it thank you all so much for listening.

And we'll speak to you next week from over the border. Is that what it's called? North of the border. Don't ask me. Yeah, north of the border. Let's call it that. Good day to you. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio.