The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Guest: Midnight Beast

Episode Date: September 4, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss the strangest things they've seen in pubs and chat to Midnight Beast.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, that's me. That was me, that bit.

That was quite good, Frank. People at home will think, well, I thought that was some fabulous vocalist that came in at the end. He did do well on Celebrity Styles in their eyes. Oh, didn't I? Didn't I just? Twice. Yes, twice. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth.

Good morning. Hello. You can text us about anything you like on 8, 12, 15. We'll give you some guides later on. Obviously, there won't be girl guides. I don't think you can traffic human beings as competition prizes on radio anymore. Not like the old days. Well, when I was on the plantation, things was different.

That's not true. You've auctioned me off for a date before. Yeah, well, there's no money involved. Well, that's what you think. How embarrassing. So you can text us on 81215 about anything. And our guest is is midnight beast who are they're all very youth oh the girls love them it's very i don't know how average absolute

listener 38 year old man's gonna cope at all it's very youth we'll probably have screaming girls outside yeah we might have screaming girls my goddaughter's coming down suddenly taking a big interest in me hmm yeah they could but I think a lot of places they go, they get screaming. Have we ever had anyone who gets screaming? I think David Essex used to get screaming. I know he did, big time. He had screaming sort of subo-type women.

No, no, he didn't. No, he does, maybe. She does a lot of screaming, apparently. So the neighbours tell me. She's got a lot of land now. A lot of land. A lot of land to run free. She can run it off, run off

all that rage. She just goes run. There's already, it looks like a circular track has been burnt round the house. It's just her running full blast. Like a tree that rooted. Yeah, exactly. Wildlife torn to pieces. God bless her.

Lovely voice. Voice of an angel. Well, maybe not an angel. What? A griffon. So, yes. So, it's lovely to be here today. And I must admit, I'm on the very edge of my seat with excitement. Why?

Well, because many people have spoken about these things you get in the... You know the magazines that you get in the tabloids? Yeah, because I've just seen you holding a magazine with coffee time on the top of the page. Yes, that's right. Well, this magazine, I don't even know what it's from. It's from The Sun. It's today's magazine. Oh, yeah.

Now, you know you always get these plates with stuff like... Sorry, your manager's just walked in. I'm doing my hair. Hang on. Yeah. Can I say Emily quite fancies my manager? It puts me in a difficult situation i feel i know i feel i'm i'm some sort of go-between but um yeah you know you get things like you know the klaus barbie celebratory plate that kind of thing well it what i've always looked at them and thought oh you know embarrassingly rubbish today for the first time in my life i've

thought i'm having that when I've seen one of these things. And it's the John Wayne American Icon Illuminating Cuckoo Clock. Oh, you can't have that. I'm not talking about buying it ironically. I'm not talking about buying it so people snigger when they come round.

I'm talking about buying it because it's great. How big is it? It's, hold on, it's 24 inches. That's massive. That's 24 inches. That's massive. That's five inches of dangling, whatever they call them, on the bottom of a cuckoo clock. Oh, okay. It says here, actually, it says, and underneath a brass-toned pendulum swings gently alongside two decorative pine cones.

I don't think you can have that in your apartment. It's awful. No, well, I have an office that I work in. I think it would have to go in there. I don't think the girlfriend would tolerate it your apartment it's awful I have an office that I work in I think it would have to go in there I don't think the girlfriend would tolerate it but honestly I am buying it but this is my dilemma now I come to look at the price

I've never really looked at these things it says here don't be left in the dust order yours now I'm liking that so I look through it it says five instalments of only £29.99. Oh, that's a lot, isn't it? Well, yeah, it could be worse.

It could be £30. But obviously I don't want to buy on the never-never. I want to pay cash. Them days are gone. £150, though, for a John Wayne clock. But I'm wondering if anyone has ever paid cash for one of these things. Ever. Because there's no suggestion that one can pay cash.

And the total price is £149.95. Now, I think that should be cheaper than that if you pay cash, surely. Right. You know when a builder comes round and he says, Cash, that'll be a lot. Well, is there any discount if you get them in bulk? I only want one, though. You only want one though you only want well

yeah we could all have one no but you maybe christmas presents i don't think you'd take it seriously you see i love john wayne he's one of my guys the thing is that when the cuckoo doors open john wayne doesn't come out his horse dollar comes out unmounted which is a straight why not have john they've got a little model of john Wayne. Why not have him come out? Obviously would be the thing to do. Or just a hand with a gun. That'd be good. But no. Dollar comes out on his own

as if he's escaped from the corral. So is this a hint? Do Gareth and I have to club together? No, no. I'm going to buy it myself. I can't hang around. I'm genuinely... This is not a joke.

I'm definitely, definitely buying it. But I want to i'll get my pa to see if i can pay cash and there'll be some sort of oh god that's man of the people yeah well you know these times this is a john wayne illuminated cuckoo clock i can't mess around with my men of the people jiggery pokery this is frank skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, I don't think I pointed out that our first song was Pretty Melody by Butch Walker and the Black Widows. That was, however, Pretty in Pink by Psychedelic First. That's a pretty theme. And I add to it.

Pretty twice, yes you do. You are a fabulous garland around its head, if you don't mind me saying. Not Chris Garland, he used to play for Crystal Palace, if that's what you're thinking. Or was it Bristol City? Anyway, him. You can, as I say, text us about anything on 8, 12, 15. I mean anything. And we can have emails now we're back in Edinburgh. You can send emails as well.

We're back in Edinburgh. No, we're back in London. Where did that happen? Nice. I turned my back for five minutes. We're back in Edinburgh. You can send emails as well. We're back in Edinburgh? No, we're back in London. Where did that happen? What? I turned my back for five minutes. We're back in Edinburgh, partner. Oh, no. Now we've got to try and get home safely.

So I had, it was a bit of a big week for me. Go on. I did a crisp advert. Oh, Frank. That's exciting. Now, I don't normally do adverts because I think they're squalid. Don't say that. Your manager's here. He's going mental. No, but, you know, he knows, I feel.

But this is a comic relief-based thing, and I think it's all right if you're up in the Africanos. I think, you know, you can get away with anything. That's fine. Yeah, so I'm going to have my own crisp flavour. Oh, yeah. And there's going to be four comedians. It's probably all top secret, but who cares?

Who listens anyway to this? Not Comet Relief, probably. They're probably still sleeping one off this time of the morning. Yeah, they like a late night that lot. People are listening. They say Bristol City, Frank. Oh, thank you very much. Who said that?

People. How dare you? 425. No name. Gareth, you can't just read out their phone oh dear i am not a number can we do that again patrick because i thought it. No, you went a bit high at the end. No, I was quite happy. Can you do it again? Oh, all right.

I am not a number. Patrick, we got that now. Let's just get an alternative, and then we've got the choice. Well, how long are we going to be? So, um... Tell us about the crisps. A little clip there from the making of The Prisoner. I enjoyed that.

Available now at your own room. DVD extras. Yeah, DVD extras. How marvellous. Yeah, so I'm, um... They've all got names. So there's Jimmy Con Carney. Oh, that's quite good.

Jimmy Con Carney. Yeah. Jimmy Carr. Stephen Fryop. Quite easy to work with. Oh, I won't be eating those, though. No. I won't be eating the Stephen Fry-Up.

Why not? I just won't. Head too big? Is that what puts you off? Yeah, there'll be lots of waffle in that one, I think. Anyway. So, and then there's the Steak and Owl Pie. Oh, that's good.

Al Mori. I thought you might have a fruit-based crisp for the lady. I wanted a sweet crisp. You know, a raspberry ripple or something like that, but no, they wouldn't have that. And mine is roast skinner. What's that? It's like roast

dinner. So it's like gravy and chicken. That sounds like roast skin, though. It's a bit weird. Yeah, roast skin. It's based on skin. It's a bit weird. Yeah, roast skin. It's based on skin. It's a Nicky Lowder-themed crisp. Yeah, so that's... And we have a battle now. And it's who sells the most crisp.

What's the most popular flavour? And the winner is the winner. And he gets, I think, to go to Africa and receives the Golden Fly Award. And the rest of us have to do a forfeit. Do you really? Yeah, but we don't know what that is yet, but it's supposed to be something

Jimmy Carr has to wear man-made fibres. Jimmy Carr has to put a stone on in two months. I look forward to that. So, I turned up the photo shoot this week because i'm gonna have my photograph on the crisp packing oh i'm excited about that but here what's interesting

about this it won't be the first time no i've already been on a crisp when were you on a crisp it was 1998 and um that was a good year for you yeah i was in the garrick club sitting on a leather chesterfield this guy came over to me he said uh my name's je Yeah, I was in the Garrick Club, sitting on a leather Chesterfield. This guy came over to me, he said, my name's Jefferson, I'm in the crisp business. I said, you don't say, how's it going? He said, it's going great. He said, we're looking for a face for our new campaign. I said, well, you're at the right place.

No, I did the McCoys. You know McCoys? Oh, did you? I was on the cover of that with David Baddiel. The cover? Yeah. They brought out a new kosher range of crisps, and we were doing that.

But there was a bit of an embarrassing situation at the photo shoot. Oh, yeah. So you were all there together, celebs together? Well, no. Al Murray was there when I arrived. He was running over about 45 minutes, as is his want. And Steve and Fry had already been.

And I think Jimmy Carr can only do Saturdays, apparently. He's probably writing an elaborate script so it can be slightly funnier than us. You know what he's like. Oh, oh, Vicar. That's Derek Nimmo. I always get a mixed up. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. So, yeah, do you remember when I told that story that when we did the photo shoot, me, Dave Gorman and the OC did that photo shoot? Oh, yeah. When we had to look like we'd just got up first thing in the morning. And the OC looked smooth as a baby's bottom. Yes, he did.

Well, yeah, he looks great. Handsome chap. Me and Dave Gorman looked dreadful. Anyway, the photographer, do you remember the photographer I told you kept calling Christian O'Connell Chris? Oh, yeah. And after a bit, Christian O'Connell came up to me and said, I can't, no one ever calls me. It's absolutely outrage. Well, it was the same photographer for this.

And he said, oh, I heard that thing you said on the radio. He did, yeah. So I can't remember whether I'd said that. He's probably listening to this now. Oh, I hate it when we get caught out. Yeah, I never think for a second anyone's actually listening. I don't even regard it as listening. I regard it as eavesdropping. We've got so few listeners.

That's the way I see it. But actually, we've got quite a lot now, do you know? I'll stop doing these jokes one of these days. I just like, I like to, I like to be humble. Don't you, Gareth? Yes. Good. I'll leave you two to it, with all humility.

So that all went a bit. And then also the lady, Mel, the lady from Walker's turned up. They should get Roy Walker. He'd be good. Save on printing costs. Yeah. That's true, actually. But what would his flavour be? He just is Walker's. He's be good. Save on printing costs. Yeah. Yeah. That's true, actually. But what would his flavour be?

He just is Walker's. He's the main one. Roy. Royal. Roy Walker. Roy. Catch phrase. Maybe something to do with catch phrase.

Catch phrase. Yeah. Food. Cat. Cat food. Cat food. Cat food. Yeah.

It's cat food. It's good, but it's not right. Just say what you see. Yeah. Yeah. It's good, but yeah. so what about the lady or you could have like bananas green banana crisps it's good but it's not ripe oh that could be the slogan yeah okay if you think it through these things they all fall into place tell me about mel that's

the morning oh i haven't touched that for a long time. Yeah, so Mel from the crisp people came in and I could see her face suddenly turn to thunder and they'd got kettle crisps on the hospitality. I mean, what a faux pas! What a faux pas! Oh, dear. I bet you and Al got stuck into those. No, I'm dieting at the moment. Are you?

Yeah, I've got a bit of a pot belly I don't like. I don't want to talk about it. Oh, okay. So I'm eating almost nothing. I'm living at the point of continual starvation. I've been a hostage. It is. I know what they're like for Terry White and those people. Actually, Terry White looked like he was really getting it. I don't know where he was getting it. He had a fast food

supply while he was out there from somewhere. Anyway, have we had any texts on 8-12-15? 8-12... Stop singing, Frank. Get off my back. supply while he was out there from somewhere anyway have we had any texts on 8 12 15 8 12 stop singing frank you get off my back um we've had hi emily i just wanted to say this is an email i just wanted to say i love your article in october's in star magazine oh called what the dickens what was it called it was called why i stopped dressing for men yes that's right i did write that. Have you stopped dressing for men?

No, but I wrote an article saying I have. Who do you dress for now? The elderly. No, I did write an article. I dress mainly for birds of prey. Let me hear the end of the compliment, Frank. Oh, sorry. What was the end of the compliment?

I've interrupted an M&P. A little bit meaty on a string. Finish the compliment. I think every woman should take take note because i wear a meat bodysuit with a soul belt a stream soul belt remember their soul belts i had so i look like you know they swing the bait for a hawk anyway sorry let's do this compliment again i read your article about i no longer dress for men yeah yeah i think every woman should take note because some women are obsessed by looking good for men when they should be looking good for themselves too and other women well thank you miss navratilova for sending that so who did send that keep up the good work kate good old kate oh i love you kate thanks so much

i like to inspire people in case you don't know, Emily is the... Deputy editor? Deputy editor of InStyle magazine. It pains you to say that. No, because I miss the days when you were editor-at-large. That's another story. When she was editor-at-large, it was great. That was her title, editor-at-large, hyphenated.

People would say, have they caught Emily? No, she's still at large. People would say, have they caught Emily? No, she's still at large. People would say, what do you do? I said, I get black calves and wear heels. That was my job. That's what at large means. Follow Eddie Large around. So when they say that Raoul Moat was still at large, he was getting calves and wearing

kitten heels. Is that what you're telling me? We've had a couple of texts in saying Roy Walker's crisps would be, say what you see, Salt. I love it. Who did that text come from? Run from Newey in Kent Run from Newey? Run from Newey in Kent

Run from Newey in Kent People in Newey in Kent will think that's an announcement Run from Newey in Kent Oh my god there's been some sort of atomic detonation And then the other one was from 2273 oh he's gone all prisoner again 2273 it was a good joke um have you noticed that if we get funny jokes from the listeners gareth never wants to give him any credit he won't read the names squeezing out of him just not even true. We've had a text from Connor, who said,

should I clean my tropical fish tank or paint my bathroom first today? P.S. Is 23 too young for Emily? Hope not. Is it hell? It's perfect is what it is. Well, clean your tropical fish tank

because no one's going to die if you don't paint your bathroom. But if they get that thing, you know that sort of growth that gets under the gills? That's the end of that. That's my experience of tropical fish, limited as it may be. No, no, it doesn't cuckoo, it whinnies. You couldn't cuckoo, that would be ludicrous.

How is it illuminated? With light. Yeah, that was Heaven by the Brute Chorus. And we should do a phone. I like when we're not phoning. Texting. Yeah, texting. We don't have the technology for a phone, do we? No. It's too cheap.

No, we don't have a phone. I had loads of mates who didn't have a phone when I was a kid. Did you? When you went visiting, you know when you go visiting? Yeah. We just used to turn up at people's houses. If there was eight, we'd just go somewhere else. No one...

No, you didn't make an appointment. Did you have a phone in your house, though? I had a phone from when I was about 15. That's when the phone arrived. I bet that was exciting. I don't know. I wasn't sure about it. was about 15. That's when the phone arrived. I bet that was exciting. I don't know. I wasn't sure about it. Oh, God.

I felt trapped. You know, I've never really shrugged that feeling off. Anyway, you can text us on 81215. I'll tell you what you can text. I'll tell you what we'll do. I'll tell you what you think you should text us about, and then we can tell you why. So this week's texting is,

what's the strangest thing you've ever seen in a pub? Yeah. Now, I don't want Reggie Cry texting me with anything horrible. But that's it. The reason it is because some travellers... Oh, someone's coming to the studio here. Hello. Hiya.

I think that was Cigarfield Sober. Oh, marvellous. Didn't have a chance to acknowledge his six sixes against Glamorgan. He was holding a piece of paper aloft like Neville Chamberlain. It was quite scary. Do you think he's been speaking with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler, and that there is peace in our time? I've no idea.

What was we talking about? It was very bizarre. Anyway. It's very much put me off. People just walking into a radio studio. It's so random. I think our guests have arrived. Our guests have arrived.

We can tell by the screaming girls. Okay. We were talking about the strange things happening to you in pubs. Yeah. So, yeah, some travellers went into a pub on horseback this week. I love it. The video was on the... Do they still call them videos, probably?

On the internet. And it was brilliant. And we just got chatting. Actually, none of us ever said what was the strain. What's the strangest thing you've ever seen in a pub, Gareth? It would have been one of the terrible comedy gigs I've done in pubs, where they just set up a microphone in the corner and just make you do it like that well I did one in Manchester for a bloke called Alex Hardy

and he said we've got a problem with the PA I said oh what is it you said we don't have a microphone so that's not really a problem with the PA I'm putting that under equipment I like the reason I like that video that was on YouTube, because I saw it, was that that traveller lady, as I'll call her, was on her horse, but she didn't just kind of go intensively. If I was on horseback and going into a pub, I'd check the lie of the land. I might poke it gently round the corner. She just went charging in.

Yeah, she was very forthright. Of course, she was stopped when the the caravan at the doorframe never got as quite as far as the as the bar so we call them can i go establish this now because i don't want to say anything offensive here you can't say gypsies anymore is that has that gone gypsies as a phrase um well i think there are people, it's kind of as an ethnographic people group. Ethnographic people group? I've made up a word. Is that like the...

I'll hold up my hand. Do you remember that song? Is that a crime? The Purple People Eater. Do you remember that song? Yeah. I'm going to look that up. It's a people group.

There are people who are gypsies. You can say gypsies? Yeah. If I was a gypsy, I'd much rather be called a gypsy than a traveller. Yeah. I mean, there are some people who are just travellers and they're... Well, I'm a traveller. Hmm.

You know. We are all travellers. Yeah. You are very much a traveller, Frank. But we're not all gypsies. I've never, ever ridden a horse into a pub in my life. No, but I'd like to. Oh, no.

What if it balked? Have you thought about that? No, because I loathe walking between locations. It's my worst thing. Oh, listen, we've had a couple of texts in already about strangest thing in a pub. Fabulous. I saw a man with a live chicken on a lead

and he bought it a beer, someone said. I'm liking that. Sounds like that should have a punchline. Perhaps that's coming. Don't get dissing people who send in. Honestly, you've got so say that nominathion has changed him there's no two ways about it

carry on anything else Jane and John I thought you were pressing important buttons there I am pressing important buttons I know but I don't like it when I don't have your full attention Jane and John hi Frank we saw a toddler in a bright orange life jacket in our local last night well that was good it gets quite dark in a public evening so i think

toddlers should always be in a high v's i saw a human scalp on a wall only a section of i'd say about a a square inch diameter can you have a square inch diameter? Well, just sort that out for yourself. What happened is a friend of mine, he'd gone to... Actually, this is such a horrible story, I'll tell you off air. He went to Bristol City, right, and he was attacked by hooligans,

and he was so frightened, right, that what happened was that he... We only have this accent. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Well, I mean, that was swearing, wasn't it? Oh, really? It took the thing off, but you could tell that was swearing.

Do you want that from Mumford and Sons this time of the morning? I'm not even going to say what the name of the song is. Why should they sell a single with bad language in it? Why have you turned into the Archbishop of Canterbury? We live next door to each other. Oh, you do as your neighbour. Just come out and eventually. Well, can I just say that I did some research

and ethnographic was exactly the right word for that situation. Yeah, but did you say ethnographic? Yes. OK, well, congratulations. It just counts if you go, oh, no, is that a word? Is that a word? And it doesn't count, but it was the right word. Well, congratulations.

Well done. Can we now read these texts, please? Yes. Andy Flowers has texted in Frank. What, the England cricket coach? That's very exciting. I don't know if it's him. But do you remember you were talking about...

Has he asked which no balls I would like this afternoon? No. Oh, OK. But do you remember you always talk about autumn leaves? And it's your favourite, you always talk about autumn leaves and it's your favorite isn't it autumn leaves well autumn leaves whenever i hear it now due to a story some of you will know listen regularly it makes me feel incredibly incredibly it makes me feel Honestly, I feel my heart just slow down. My shoulders drop. My heart doesn't beat.

It soothes me. Well, anyway, Andy says, Hello, who plays that version of Autumn Leaves that leaves Frank in a safer state of mind? Can't find it anywhere. I'm liking the Leaves wordplay. I like him. Very autumnal for September.

Can you enlighten him? Yes, it's the Ted Heath Orchestra. I think that's the first time they've ever... It's not that Ted Heath, the Prime Minister. Yes, with Harold Macmillan on drums. I say, we never had it so good. I've never had it. But yeah, so it's the Ted Heath Orchestra, if you want to get that.

Anyone who tunes into this station now, and they say, what station is this, so it's the Ted Heath Orchestra, if you want to get that. And anyone who tunes into this station now, they'll say, what station is this? And that was the Ted Heath Orchestra. Oh, this must be Radio 2. But no, that's who it was, yes. Next question. Oh, it's like being Norris McWhirter. We've got some texts about strange things in pubs.

Strange things in pubs, brilliant. Connor says, well, Connor says, good advice. I've started the fish now he's the fish tank oh he's cleaning the fish that's good so far the gills are grossless

as for the pub I saw Shane McGowan eating stew in a pub that didn't serve food oh I know I know what there's

I've got a Shane McGowan I should have to think what that was it stew though I once went to a pub and Shane McGowan was serving behind the bar and I'd taken

Dermot Murnaghan in there my showbiz friend yes I know he's a newsread Shane McGowan was serving behind the bar and I'd taken Dermot Murnaghan in there, my showbiz friend. Yes, I know he's a newsreader, but I've got fingers in all sorts of eyes. Did he go in there and start straightening the papers on the bar? Although Shane McGowan's manager did say, Shane wants to meet Dermot.

He's a big fan of the news. Shane's a big fan of the news. He particularly likes the news from the 70s. Minor strike, he's also quite keen on. I love that Shane McCowan's a fan of the news. No, that is brilliant. We had another text in, Frank, about...

So what happened when these two famous people... Oh, they got on very well, actually. Did he knock him up a stew? No. By putting his fingers down his... Anyway, that is weird. Do you remember, Frank, you were talking about, well, there was all sorts of stuff about trumpets and trombones last week and controversies. Do you remember that? Yes. We've had a text in saying, thanks for reading out my email last week. You never told me what

the sound was called, though. How can I have a humorous text ringtone if i don't know the name oh yeah this guy he wants this for a ringtone and in order to do that you'll have to get the intro to those magnificent men in their flying machines one of my favorite films yes and perhaps the biggest ant is the african red ant which is measured two and a half centimeters across that was That was Norris McWhirter. Coming back in again there. Two dead ferrets and a bin liner. Is this the beginning of a joke?

One said nothing because obviously it had demised. A bloke saw that in a pub? Yeah, that was in the nave of clubs in Bethnal Green from then in Harold Wood. Oh dear. In what context was that that that's all he says was was shane mcgowan making another stew now that was to do with the craze i think oh i like this from scott and sunderland i was recently in a local men's working club and noticed an old man drinking an alco pop looked wrong

oh that is wrong but you see there's a logic to that, because old people, they love the sweet stuff. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love the sweet stuff as well. But you know... That means I'm old. Oh, heck. No, but I was on holiday once, and this bloke obviously took his mother,

and it was him and his wife and his mother there, and the mother obviously was out of place. The wife was resentful. You could read it all on their faces. The mother looked genuinely upset, and she was looking at this foreign food in a very disapproving way and i thought oh what is she's gonna have a terrible week that poor old soul the sweet trolley turned up she lit up like the morning sun i just thrilled to bits but i would like to see an old person drink a a euro what they call euro pop

i'd like to see one dancing to euro pop while drinking an alco pop i like you could actually call him alco pop or alco i like that now i do because i think that when i see sir alex ferguson who's what 63 is he's older than that is he oh he's ancient but when i see him chewing gum and it's never remarked about on the telly, but you never see anyone that old chewing gum. Ever. No, you're right, it's very undignified. It's unique.

Now, Frank, we've had an email in from the police. Do you want me to read it, or shall I wait? Well, I'm worried now. It's good that they're emailing us rather than just bursting into the door. They have texted in. Is that how bad the cots are now? Yeah. They've had to email some people how bad the cots are now? Yeah.

They've had to email some people. I think we'd better play some music. OK. We've got the news with Sandy War coming up, our new newsreader. Oh. Iraq, that was a Sandy War, wasn't it? Shane will be happy.

He loves the news. He's a big fan of the news, apparently. Afghanistan, that's a Sandy War as well. Yeah. All the golf things. This is Frank Skinner. Afghanistan, that's a sandy war as well. All the golf things. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. I think the weights should have been, they should have been somehow John Wayne themed as well. Do you know what I mean? Because two acorns, what's that got to do? When you leave that clock alone, you're obsessed by it. Pine cones. I thought it was pine cones.

Pine cones. What did I say? Acorns. Acorns. Oh, that would be rubbish. They wouldn't have enough weight. Oh, well. No, that wouldn't affect me.

That was... Who was that? Oh, that's good DJing. Newton Fulton. Well, I'll move some stuff around to avoid playing Message in a Bottle. I'll be absolutely straight with you. Talking of the police, we've had an email in from the police. That's a brilliant link. That was very local radio, I'll have you know.

I have to say, though, hold on. This is Frank's Going Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. That's in my contract, I have to say, after the news. But no, Frank's Going Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. That's in my contract. I have to say that after the news. But no, Frank, in a way, that's bought the segue. Yeah. Well, carry on. Midnight Beast, by the way, will be with us after the next record.

I know there's some strange party going on out there. I know. My goddaughter's arrived. There they go. There's testosterone. There's ladies. What's the other one called? Feromenone.

Feromenone. Do-do-do-do-do. Go on, read it out. Well, it's from the Australian police, so we're safe. OK, so it's going to take them a while to get here. Exactly. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth.

I've only just discovered the podcast of your show and I'm slowly working my way through the last year's worth of shows. Most of the time, I'm listening between crime scenes. Oh, dear.ooby-doo this often involves having to turn down the pesky police radio hence the scooby-doo reference so i don't miss any of the show i love it some of the cultural references go over my head oh that's a first for us yeah but like a simpleton i'll laugh along anyway whenever the delightful giggling daisy suggests to me i've

missed a good joke hang on Daisy she's at the wedding well she's going to stay at the wedding I'm telling you I don't want her getting all the fun that's why it feels flat we've got Alex standing in front of her and she doesn't laugh as much I'll be honest with you

she's not laughing anywhere near as much as is expected I mean if you want to get on in this business laugh like there's no tomorrow because if you don't there might not be thanks too late I'm afraid you don't, there might not be. Thanks. I'm too late, I'm afraid. So listen, never mind that. You're here to generate it, not produce it.

What about the police listening to our show? I love them turning down. Oh, listening to us mid-crime. What's his name? Gareth as well. Oh, yeah, he's called Gareth. A policeman called Gareth. I wonder what other Gareths are doing.

Do you really wonder that? What a lot of spare time you must have on your hands. I have never in my life thought, I wonder what other Franks are doing. Do you really wonder that? What a lot of spare time you must have on your hands. I have never in my life thought, I wonder what other Franks are doing. Well, there aren't many. Most of them are in Birmingham. Now, listen, so what do you think of this policeman? I don't worry about them. I know what they're doing. Drinking.

Well, I think it's great. I like the idea of him putting that white tape on the ground where the dead body was. Oh, yeah. Laughing at a joke about... I don't know. Whatever. What do we talk about on this show? Well, I hope he's holding...

A houseman, for example. Oh! Oh, no! No! No! Let's hope the old guy who drinks the alcohol pop hasn't just put the radio on. He'd be outside looking for his Nissan hot.

I hope the cop's got... I bet he's got a polystyrene cup of coffee and some marriage problems. They always have that, don't they? You know, what I love about this show is that we've just got these hot new youth band on Midnight Beast and I've just referenced Nissan hots on the link before they appear. I'm covering the whole span. They do drink from those styrofoam cups. Oh, they do.

Whereas Britney Spears, she drinks from those really big cups that you get in McDonald's. Every picture of her, she's got one of those with the straw at the top. And I want to know what her beverage is, Britney. Oh, yeah. She likes liquids. She likes a big frappuccino. Frappuccino.

We've had a text in from Rick about the strangest thing you've seen in pub. The railway in Birmingham once turfed the pub to celebrate Cheltenham races. Turfed the inside, I presume. That's absolutely brilliant. If only the gypsies had known about that, they'd have been straight in there for a quick parade before the big race. Can I say gypsies still haven't worked that out? Yeah, it's an ethnographic group. Oh, good.

Yeah, they'd be in there then. They're allowed as an ethnographic group. Julie says our local Mary Harry's in Hambledon, Surrey, has a piece of ginger that looks like Prince Charles in a glass case on the wall. See, I'd have gone for the elephant man. That would have been... Any piece of ginger would have done. But to have got that, that's something. I'd like to see that.

Apparently he has over 300 friends on Facebook. Prince Charles? I'd be surprised if he's got any more than three friends. Bank? Two are imaginary and one is an asperdistra. It's time we played the four. What about William Hay? I want to talk about William Hay.

I don't think we can talk about William Hay. Oh, please, it's my favourite thing that's ever happened. Well, we can talk about it later, but I just want to talk about it in a nice way. The baseball cap. The baseball cap, the flat stomach. The shades. The tight jeans.

We can talk about that. Long-sleeved T-shirt. Look, you know, maybe it was a theme party. The belt? Lay off the belt. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The Midnight Beast are in the studio. Hello.

Hello. Three handsome young men. Very kind of you. Yeah, that's all right. That's my job, really. I said the same thing when we had W.H. Auden on. He looked dreadful. And you've got your agents are with you in the car.

You've got people. You've got fans next door looking through the window. What a life you guys lead. So the average listener on Absolute Radio is a 38-year-old male. Yeah. So can you tell him who you are? Yep. Well, I'm Stefan. That is Ashley and Drew sitting over there. Hi.

Are you the spokesman? Are you the leader? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Do they still have leaders? Yes, and they can't talk. Are you called a band, by the way? I guess so. Or a group? Yeah, I guess a band or a group. I don't know, a bit of everything. You're a mishmash. But the Midnight Beat, so or a group yeah i guess a band or a group i don't know a bit of

everything so smash but the midnight you're a phenomenon are you not well it's been pretty exciting recently yeah yeah it kind of blew up pretty quickly so i guess how did it begin for you guys um we started with a parody of um what was currently number one at the time in december which was a kesha's tiktok oh i know it well i know that one i love it and we um and you spoiled that with your jokes and smiling them up yeah they're laughing at the way you were singing it oh okay no i liked it but um but yeah uh and we we did that and then we started putting some original stuff up and it got well received so we uh threw in some more dance moves and started doing some live shows and it's been exciting. What is the time scale from

the first sort of YouTube moment? Six months, yeah. Statsman. You're a proper overnight sensation. Can I just say I'm quite proud because we don't normally have people this cool on our show. You're the coolest people we've ever had on. I'm not totally sure

I like people that cool. We like to get people we've ever had on. I'm not totally sure I like to think we're that cool. We like to get people who are on the downward slope. Don't be horrid. All the fun of the fair, don't forget that. So, you're doing festivals at the moment.

And I saw a clip. In fact, my girlfriend made me watch a clip. Now Now for those of you who think Oh I don't know, I was his girlfriend There's a reason for that but we won't go into it So I watched it And there was, I mean proper screaming girls They were crying and fainting at the front

Fainting? That was the best thing about it What, the fainting? You like to see that I've seen the mascara run down their cheeks It's watching a young woman suffering for oxygen. That's what you like. Oh, no.

Michael Hodgson, that's the two words I'm giving you boys as a warning. So that must be... I mean, I've no one... Once there was a mouse in the auditorium. I got one scream. Can you explain? When did that start? When did you get your first scream?

Oh, I can't remember the first scream. It was before this. I think it was... Oh, I thought you always remembered your first scream. The first scream. I mean, savour these moments, because they won't scream forever. They'll get older.

Their voices will break. They'll growl. It just turns into a shout. Yeah. Well, they were shouting. There was a woman very close to the camera on this clip, so we went, Stefan!

I love you, Stefan! That was me, Frank. In fact, we've just had a text in saying, I just talked to the Midnight Beast outside Absolute Radio. Can you ask Steph if he will marry me? From Charlie H. OK, so what do you think? Yes, I will.

Yeah, I'll do it. Is that not Charlie Higson? No! Wouldn't it be great, though, if just for a prank you married that person? For real? Do you remember what they looked like? Was there a lot of people outside or just a few?

No, there's a few. Oh, I don't like this. My goddaughter's here. She's the best. She's in there. Yeah. Yeah. So, you're on... You're about to go on tour. Let's get that in early because i don't

know yeah i need to leave and think oh i forgot to plug them yeah yeah yeah no that's really exciting we just announced um off our first headline tour which is what just outside there uh yeah you need to do it in um in to a broader audience yeah so when when when and where and all that? Well, it starts on the 17th in Cardiff. Yeah, and then the last date's on the 25th in... Where's the last one? Don't worry about it.

Just get in the van. Yeah, exactly. Cardiff, London, Bristol. Everybody's talking about pop music. I like what he did with his hands when he did the tour date. They can't stop doing that with their hands. I know. It's these days, yeah.

I love it. The kids. Well, that's great. And it's already sold out. Is that right? Yeah. We sold out five out of six, and then we added a new date in Cardiff,

and then we put extra tickets on sale for Brighton. They upgraded the venue. So you can still buy tickets to see it? You can. So there's still a few tickets left so get out there is it mainly girls

it is well actually we've been surprised quite recently because it was mainly girls but then at Reading and Leeds there was a lot of guys

yeah a lot of guys and that's what we like to see you know I haven't been surprised since the 80s youth this is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio We are with Midnight Beast Who are as hot as you can get At the moment They're wearing baseball caps So you know there's a William Hague theme One of them's got a hooded top I'm being confronted by a young man in a hooded top

and I'm not at all frightened. Brilliant. Sorry, Gareth. We've got lots of texts for them. We never get texts for guests. We might have one or two. We've got hundreds of them for you. You've actually...

The switchboard is... Do you have a switchboard for texts? No. 1973. OK. They love a text switchboard for texts? No. 1973. OK. They love a text. The youth, they love a text. This is the hardest thing about doing this show,

is that you can't text. Am I right? As soon as the music starts, they all start texting. Oh, yeah. And do you know, Frank, they use thumbs, these young ones, to text with. I've heard that. Yeah.

We use our other fingers and they use thumbs. No, I have a mother of Pearl've heard that. Yeah. We use our other fingers and they use thumbs. Now I have a mother of Pearl Diler that I use. Go on, guys. We've had a text from Amber saying, tell the Midnight Beast I love them and that I love Drew. Pretty please marry me. That's two proposals. We've got two of them

married off. I want these and they need stability, I think. You need to settle down. Yeah, by marrying a fan who texts in a proposal that sounds like stability i mean laura got together all right um ashley you complete me this is a text is that you saying is that you yeah is that from the butcher out of coronation street butcher out of Coronation Street. Ash, Ashley!

That's from Tally. OK. That's funny that the fans have started to call themselves Tally. Anyway, that's enough of you. You're not the guest. Exactly. We'll come back to this. So if one goes to see Midnight Beast, what should one expect? Lots of costume changes. Pom-poms.

Costume changes you do like brittany yeah like just like britney is it a theme is there a theme to the show oh what theme costumes oh i don't know anything themed anything there's not really a theme yet we might come up with one probably well don't come up with one on my side well we might have a song kind of yeah there is obviously this theme's perfect it song. It's very early, Frank. We've got lots of props as well, and backup dancers. Props? What kind of props? Props? What kind of props have we got?

Pom-poms, swords. Just loads. Pom-poms and swords. That's good. That's for the Scottish. Bubble machines as well. Yeah, bubble machines. Yeah, brilliant.

But mainly it's screaming girls is the main theme. That's the theme. Have you reached the point, you know the Beatles used to say they couldn't hear themselves play because the screaming

got that loud? Yeah. Have you reached that stage yet? No. Way to go. But they didn't have monitors then.

But now we've got massive monitors booming in our faces so we're okay. Oh, I see. You know, I never thought of that. Monitors, I'll Google that.

Aren't those the people that bring the milk? No, you've done the odd gorilla gig as well. What is that? That's like turn up and play. We did that in Brighton. We just literally like... But not at a venue. You're just in the street or whatever.

By the beach. And it's kind of announced that morning as well. Yeah. Like officially. Obviously we planned it a little bit. So how do you announce a thing like that? On Twitter. Yeah, Twitter.

Heard of Twitter? That's what the young people do. Sorry, I just... You can't. Oh, I mean, now Twitter, you know what? I thought I taught a putty cat. No, because you did one in Brighton, didn't you? Which actually, I mean, I couldn't believe this.

You announced it that morning. You turned up on the beach. On the beach, yeah. Expecting how many people? I mean, honestly. I'm pretty sure. I thought we were going to have 40 there. I was trying to think if we could make it work with 40, that would be good.

Yeah. You're already making Gareth jealous. 40. But how many turned up about 2 000 people isn't that slightly terrifying because in a gig you've got security people did you have security there yeah it was a human barrier like people like lincoln arms trying to push people back yeah okay human shield, a human shield, like Saddam Hussein. And that worked well. You would force me old girl. Yeah.

I think they liked holding the girls back. They did. I never thought of that. I bet they love it. Oh, yeah, that's why they get that job. Yeah. It's like our security guard downstairs. That's why he's here.

Yeah. Let's be honest. He doesn't hold that many. Yeah, he's held a couple of irate white snake fans off me. Yeah, Toy Wilcox was quite keen on you.

Yeah, yes, you are. Do you know who Toy Wilcox is? No. God bless you all.

Oh, I love the boys. You know you've broken an old woman's heart if she's listening. And I've

called her an old woman, that's impounded. So we're going to play your track.

Now this is Booty Call. I think we can say that. Let me just check

that. Booty, that's like a big behind, isn't it? It is. How dare you? So it's a big behindcore? What is it, some sort of foul-smelling fanfare? So what is it about, in clean terms? Go on, Drew.

You can do it. It's about three lovely young ladies wanting to call to play some board games and stuff at our house, and we're politely saying that we're making brownies and watching films together. Yeah, playing My Little Pony and stuff. Well, that's lovely. So you're not like your hardcore rappers.

You're not treating women in a derogatory way. You're actually being all lovely about it. I'm liking you guys. I'm liking you guys. This, brace yourselves, 38-year-old man in black T-shirt, sitting at home thinking when they're going to play Whitesnake, because this is Midnight Beast with Booty Call. Oh, I love the way you did the ending, the three of you.

They started synchronised dancing at the very last minute. I love it. It's great. Thank you. I've heard it 10 million times and it still lasts. I've heard it so much because I feel I should up front the fact that my... Those of you watching on the webcams will see two beautiful women in the corner of the room. And this is part of your... These are your agents, aren't they?

Yes. And it's also... It coincides that it's also my girlfriend and her sister. Yes, it does. So the whole thing's very incestuous. Exactly. It's very incestuous.'s very incestuous so i just your whole world is in this room because your manager's over in the other corner yeah well

he is my whole world everyone else could go my whole world would still be in this room okay so um do you um do you live all together in in a flat is it like that like you know you're like the beat calls and help yeah yeah i always thought about triple bunk beds actually pretty much lives at mine which is my parents as well so you live at your parents yes oh they're such nice boys absolute parents well mums you know oh yeah because dad went off on a cold christmas eve to get some did he oh well don't bring that up for me yeah it's a lot we can talk about it after yeah we started talking about parents houses and i just i just kind of wanted to get it out though you know yeah because okay Oh, well, don't bring that up. I mean, it's a lot. We can talk about it after. Yeah, we started talking about parents' houses,

and I just kind of wanted to get it out there, you know? Yeah, because, OK, parent, brackets, S, close brackets. I like to pretend. I'll say parents. Oh, no, I don't want to drag you into that. This is the modern world. Now the hooded top all makes sense. So, I love the fact that you live with your parent.

So things like washing and all that, that's all done for you? Yeah. Oh, man, those were the days. Do you pay board? Do we play board? Pay board. No, pay board. That's how unfamiliar the concept is to them.

Do you give your mum money? Well, I pay nothing to stay at Stefan's. No. Can you speak into the microphone? How long have you been in this business? Yeah, come on. No, his parents are very kind to me. So you stay there for nothing?

Absolutely. Okay. So why don't you stay with... Am I getting into deep water? No, no, it's absolutely fine. I live in Reading. Well, that's underwater, isn't it? Reading's underwater, it is indeed.

I love Reading. It's got a wind farm with just one propeller. That's a fantastic... It powers, I think, an iPhone. I love the idea. Why aren't you in skins? Surely you should be in skins. You look like you should be in skins. I don't know. You don't like it? it's good it's good it's all right i just don't think we'd fit in i don't

think we're cool enough to be in that we're not cool enough so you've been described you'll be glad to know it's a cross between the beastie boys the in between us and flight of the concords so we should point out you're not just a band. Not that a band would be a bad thing to be, but you're also a comic turn. Yeah, yeah. We still feel funny about saying it, because to be put on the spot to do something funny is a very awkward thing to do. So we're not going to ask you to do a skit.

No, good, yeah. But yeah, yeah, I guess so. There's definitely lots of comedy in what we do, yeah. Yeah, so which way do you see it all going, then? Do you want to be big pop stars, or do you want to be big comics? I think we really want to do lots of stuff on TV and lots of stuff musically and do shows. Shows are the funnest.

We want it all. We want it all, you kids. Exactly. Yeah, national service. That's what you really want. You just don't know it. Well, look, it can't be going any better. You are storming it everywhere.

You did Leeds and Reading last weekend. Yeah. Which, again, I was forced to watch video coverage of. And, again, absolutely, I mean, it's like Beatlemania. If I come and see you there, boys, will I be the oldest person there? I will, unless Frank comes. No, no, no. No, no, no. They're security guards

and people like that. The security guards, we've already established, so there's other stuff on their mind. They have no back to their uniforms. Just so they can feel teenage girl against their back. Oh, well, Frank, can we go along then? Yeah, I'm happy to go. I'm coming.

Oh, I'm going on the tour, don't worry about it. Oh, no, you're on the whole tour. I tell them I'm not on the whole tour. No, I'm going to hang out. I'm hanging around for the crumbs from their table. Oh, how sordid. Well, yeah, so it's brilliant, and I'm very excited on your behalf. And what's the best thing about it?

Best thing? I just love playing the shows I don't know that's always been my thing that's the correct answer you can tell me

the real one after this which is thanks a lot guys thanks for coming in and good luck with getting past the phalanx

of girls outside look up phalanx guys it's a good word Frank on radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Girls outside. Look up phalanx, guys. It's a good word. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

The studio seems strangely empty. We've never had that many people in the studio at any one time. I miss the Midnight Beast. It was like a rag week prank. We got so many in. You miss them already? Yeah, I do. We've had a text in about them. That's because Ashley completes me.

I'm a bit of a Steph fan. Lisa in Essex says, Hi, Frank and team. Those young chaps you have with you this morning sound absolutely lovely. Who are they? They sound very much like my neighbour's son and his friends. Love your show.

I like her. I love it if that's from their next door neighbour. Because people don't speak to their neighbours that they're in London, let's face it. No, exactly. No, not anymore. No. That's a good thing, I think.

Anyway. Strange things in pubs. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank. The strangest thing I ever saw in a pub in Camden was an old boy who had no bottom jaw at all. And when he drank, it looked like he was drinking through a hole in his neck.

Oh! Oh, God! How many more Shane McGowan stories are we going to get? That's a lovely story, isn't it? Lovely. Very nice. He could have a beard that was... If he'd have grown sideburns very long and then plaited them at the centre, no-one would have known about that missing lower jaw. People, they don't think through their terrible disfigurements. Frank, we've had another

text in from Lindsay and Devin saying, I saw an ironing board and a basket full of clothes in the bar. The landlord must have been expecting a slow lunchtime. You see, I don't go in pubs now much, but when I used to go in pubs in Birmingham, they were the kind of pubs where you might walk in and the landlord was ironing. Yeah. Nowadays, pubs, you know, people I know go in pubs in Birmingham, they were the kind of pubs where you might walk in and the landlord was ironing. Yeah. Nowadays, pubs, you know, people I know get to pubs, they're really trendy, cool type places. I like those pubs where you're going to see something unusual

or indeed get killed. That option is always... I saw a man eat a large part of a pint glass once in a bar. He was an Indian guy called Batman. I don't think it was his real name and he had a standing bet that he'd eat a half pint glass for 10 quid cost 10 quid you know you could buy a well a lot then and uh he didn't eat it all he had he had a large section of it he didn't eat the the base He had a large section of it. He didn't eat the base. Apparently, he normally eats the base like a biscuit at the end. Right.

But he ate the thing. And the bloke who was actually paying said that he couldn't watch any more. So he stopped him. Much to our consternation. Sorry, I feel that wasn't such as funny as grotesque. Well, I started it with a guy with no jaw, to be honest. Yes. You know, I went across the desert on a guy with no jaw.

So good to get out of the rain. Oh, I went through the desert on a guy with no jaw. So good to get out of the rain. He'd feed a crony his sideburns and plaited them underneath. No one would have known of his pain. Oh. Do you think the Midnight Beast might cover this now? Oh, they're covering everything else, let's face it. If you receive my meaning.

It's not true. Only one of them's a cover and the rest are original compositions. Oh, yeah, you were really listening, weren't you? You were properly listening. Never mind that. What about William Hague? You never let me talk about him. Any man 49 with a flat stomach is going to be questionable. I thought it was the Pet Shop Boys new album when I saw that picture.

It's a picture of us all who look a bit, you know, when sometimes that's just, you know, fashion choices are such. Early on when I first went out with laura one of her friends i'll make it about you yeah i'll bring your wife up in case anyone's got any doubts like it's a bad thing no one of laura's friends lisa said to me oh no you look you do the gay look really well yeah were you actually doing were you doing a sort of i wasn't doing a look no she meant my my fashion sense well yeah, yeah, I think... If you dress well, people...

People used to say it about me a lot when I used to live with David Baddiel. I took it as... Well, that you dress well. No, that we were gay. But I think it makes you sound more interesting. I mean, heterosexuality, let's face it, it's getting a bit old-fashioned.

William Hay could do with sounding more interesting, let's face it. Well, he did say he used to drink 14 pints a day. Wow. So you can see how it happened. So anyway, next week, our guest is the comedian Stu Francis. Oh, I could crush a grape. Oh, Stuart Francis, not the same one, apparently.

That's a pity. Not a stew pot. No, that's a different one altogether, stew pot. I think he hangs around with Shane McGowan. And you can download Not The Weekend podcast from Wednesday. That's completely new material, nothing to do with this show that we do every week. Ben Jones

is next. He's the fourth person I've seen this morning in a baseball cap. Are we... Fifth, including William Hague. Yeah. Well, I haven't seen him this morning. Oh, that's right, have you not? Thank God for that. No no because i have to get up early on a saturday oh anyway look um good day to you